Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 102
August 9, 2018
Why Is It So Hard to Say Yes to Sex?
I asked that question a while back on my Facebook Page (have you joined yet?) and got some interesting answers!
Here’s what you all said about why you’re rarely in the mood for making love:
he hasn’t paid attention to any part of my day up to that moment.
When the house is turned upside down!
When a sexual comment is the only conversation I’ve heard from hubby all day…we’ve been married 30 years.
When we’ve had an argument and then he thinks he can roll over and we’ll kiss and make up. Yeah right!!!! Or when I’m so tired I can’t see straight
.…when the only conversation for the day is a proposition
you don’t come to bed until after mid night because you once again fell asleep watching television.
When I can’t get my brain to slow down and relax.
…when he ignored and/or criticized me all day
I’ve been in mommy mode for 12 hours.
you refuse to shower for a long length of time.
when he wont kiss me and ask me how i am doing or say good morning
When I have had to discipline kids allllll day long!!! Sometimes it is difficult switching roles!!!
When I feel unattractive and over weight. Regardless of how beautiful my husband tells me I am.
When I had small babies with me all day, I felt like someone was ALWAYS touching me. I needed hands-off time.
…he has fallen asleep on the couch and stayed there and it happens a couple nights in a row, and then suddenly comes to bed several nights later…
And then there were a few versions of this one:
I know it doesn’t last too long….lol
Whew! That’s a lot of women struggling in this area.
So ladies, we all know we have these issues. We know these problems abound. But we also know that sex keeps a marriage close. It helps you to sleep better. And it helps you to feel more positively towards your spouse.
Why is it so hard to say 'yes' to sex? A look at why women have a hard time getting 'in the mood': Click To Tweet
How, then, do we get over this hurdle and actually make love?
Some quick thoughts for you today:
Is it hard to say YES to SEX in your marriage? 4 tips to move from NO to YES!Click To Tweet
1. Go to bed at a decent hour regularly
Seriously. The biggest hurdle? Exhaustion. I totally understand. But when we’re always running on 6 1/2 hours or less of sleep, or we don’t head to bed until we’re ready to drop, we’re hardly going to want to make love.
So go to bed at the same time. Turn off those screens and turn in! And here’s a way to think about it: You need 8 hours of sleep. You also need AT LEAST half an hour in bed first, talking and praying and making love. So you should be going to bed AT LEAST 8 1/2 hours before the alarm is going to go off (or the kids are going to arrive in the bedroom).
Do that consistently, and you’ll likely find exhaustion isn’t as much of a factor.
I know it’s hard when children are really little, but that’s when setting firm schedules and helping them learn to sleep through the night can be so important.
2. Take some time for yourself during the day
Find an hour, just for yourself, sometime during the day so that you don’t need those late hours at night. A friend of mine, who is a foster mom, joined a gym where they offer free day care. Now she can exercise, or just relax in the pool, for an hour every so often while her foster kids are taken care of. She needs that break.
Another friend of mine who works full time takes her lunch hour all to herself. She doesn’t hang out with co-workers. She just goes for a walk and eats while walking, or she reads a novel. She escapes to a food court where people won’t bug her and she just catches a few moments when no one is asking her to do anything.
Get that time earlier in the day and you’ll be more rejuvenated later in the day! And don’t expect that time to magically appear. Schedule it in.
Tired of feeling too tired for sex? Here are 4 ways to go from NO to YES in your marriage!Click To Tweet
Are you tired of struggling with low libido?
I get it. I really do.
And I really believe that God created you and your marriage to not just tolerate obligation sex, but for you to want to jump with both feet!
That’s why I created the Boost Your Libido course. Because so many women WANT to boost their libidos, but don’t know where to start.
If that sounds like you, check it out, because I really think this is the missing puzzle piece for a lot of marriages.
3. Find time to talk to your hubby
One of the biggest impediments was a version of, “he’s only interested in me for one thing”. He doesn’t help around the house. He doesn’t speak nicely to me. He spends the evening as a couch potato and then he wants sex.
That can be very demoralizing. But I’ve also found that, in general, the more we make love, the more he actually WANTS to spend time together. It becomes a circle that feeds itself. You make love, he feels more affectionate and generous. He acts more affectionate and generous, you make love. Etc. etc.
So start the ball rolling! But if that’s still difficult because you just haven’t connected, plan time earlier in the evening to do that connection. Go for a walk after dinner. Ask if he’ll help you with the dishes routine after dinner so that you can talk while doing the dishes. Talk about what chores you can assign to each other so you feel as if he has contributed that evening. Maybe he can always be the one to give the kids their baths, for instance. We tend to clean the house when we see what needs doing. Men don’t work the same way. So if you ask him for a specific task, he’s more likely to do it.
If you talk more earlier in the day, and if he does a chore or two, you can get over some of that reluctance. And then see how adding sex to the equation in your marriage can actually improve many of these difficulties that make you distant in the first place!
4. Anticipate
Finally, the reason that we find it hard to say yes is that for women, sex is primarily in our brains. If our brains aren’t engaged, it’s hard for our bodies to feel aroused. So feeling distant, feeling exhausted, or feeling taken for granted all become major impediments because they impact our thought processes.
But remember: it also works the other way. If sex is primarily in our brains, then if we DECIDE to have a positive attitude about it, and we DECIDE to anticipate it, our bodies will likely follow. We are not slaves to our thoughts; we can change them–and these new thoughts can change your marriage. Think earlier in the day: I am going to feel AMAZING tonight. We are going to have AWESOME sex and it’s going to help me sleep so well! I’m going to be able to RELAX tonight an all the worries of the day are going to float away. I’m going to have so much FUN! We’re going to really connect tonight!
I asked women, 'Why do you find it hard to say yes to sex?' Here's what they said, and some solutions for these common problems:Click To Tweet
Anticipating Sex is far easier, too, if sex is really fun!
And thank you to Ultimate Intimacy for sponsoring this shout out and allowing me to share about something super fun!
I LOVE the Ultimate Intimacy app because it takes sex from something that’s routine, where you always do the same thing every time, and it makes sex into a super fun game you can play together, so that you laugh, build intimacy, and feel great, all at the same time.
I’ve been looking for an app like this for ages, and even considered creating one myself, when I found Ultimate Intimacy. It does so much–it’s got tons of resources and info on things like how to have an orgasm, how to plan a great date night, even how to make a weekend away awesome. But it also has a smorgasbord of positions to try and a game that gives you to-do instructions: starting with something romantic, then with foreplay, then with heavy foreplay, and then with something hot and heavy!
Best of all, it uses no sketchy pictures of actual people, and it fits clearly within a marriage framework. Nothing pornographic will be suggested!
It’s just pure fun. And it’s great. And the paid version of the app is only $8.99!
Or read my full review of the Ultimate Intimacy app!
Now tell me in the comments: which strategy do you think will make the biggest difference in your marriage? Have you had success with any of these in the past?
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 26 years and happily married for 21! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!
August 8, 2018
Personality Types in Marriage: Are You an Introvert or Extrovert?
This month, on the Wednesdays, we’re doing a series on personality types and marriage! I love personality tests and quizzes and all the fun stuff that goes along with understanding how you’re wired. I grew up with the MBTI (Myers Briggs Type Indicator), because my mother was trained on it and used to deliver seminars on it, so it’s just common conversation fodder around our dining room table.
As I explained last week on my starting post on the MBTI and marriage, the MBTI comes up with 16 different personality types based on four different scales. One of those scales is extroversion/introversion, and this week, let’s look at how these things can impact our marriages.
I’ll be using the book Just Your Type to help me explain all this. Just Your Type outlines all the different MBTI types, and how they interact in marriage. It’s a very fun read (you’ll find yourself in it, and it’s so funny when you read about the conflicts that you and your spouse always have–and you realize that it’s actually to be expected because of your personality differences!).
What is Extroversion vs. Introversion?
People often think that extroverts are the life of the party, while introverts are wall-flowers. It doesn’t actually work that way. In fact, many Broadway actors are actually introverts! Introverts aren’t necessarily shy; it’s just that they get their energy from being alone and being able to think things through, whereas extroverts get their energy from being with people and being able to talk things through. So extroverts will naturally want to spend lots of time with their spouse and with other people; introverts will naturally want some alone time. When we’re having disagreements, extroverts will want to talk about it immediately, whereas introverts will want to wait.
We often think that women are more extroverted and men more introverted, but in fact, it’s pretty much equal by gender.
What happens when an Extravert marries an Introvert? What about two extraverts or introverts? Here's how it can affect your marriage:Click To Tweet
Extraverts tend to direct their energy towards the outside world, and thus are always looking at what’s going on around them. That can make them easily distracted. Introverts tend to focus on their inner world, and are very aware of what they’re feeling and experiencing.
(By the way, I can’t decide how to spell Extravert. I think Americans are more likely to spell it extrovert, while the British are more likely to do extravert, and we Canadians can’t make up our minds. So I keep going back and forth. Sorry!)
Where are YOU, my readers, on the introversion/extroversion scale?
In my Friday newsletters, I asked all through the month of July questions about personality types. We were really surprised by the results on extroversion/introversion! We got almost no extrovert-extrovert pairs?! Only 5% of people who responded are extraverts married to another extraverts. Perhaps extraverts don’t like newsletters?
Introvert-Introvert pairs made up about 40% of those who responded, while 55% of those who responded are in a marriage with one introvert and one extravert.
You can receive my weekly newsletters (and my monthly round-ups, too!) by signing up right here. Subscribers get behind the scenes info, extra freebies and videos, chances to enter contests, and more!
Now, let’s take a look at how the different combinations can affect marriage!
MBTI and Marriage: When extraverts marry introverts
Personality Differences and Marriage: What happens when different MBTI types marry each otherClick To Tweet
An equal number of men and women are extraverted/introverted. So this isn’t a gender issue, though we often think women are extraverts and men are introverts. But this difference can definitely cause problems!
Here’s one example: how we solve problems.
Renee and James found themselves at a familiar impasse — once again. A simple misunderstanding during dinner had somehow mushroomed into a full-blown fight. Renee, the Extravert, wanted to deal with it now, hoping they could resolve the conflict before it escalated any further. But James, the Introvert, was nowhere near ready to discuss it. Although he really didn’t understand what had happened to cause the rift, he knew he needed time by himself to think about it.
Extraverts will want to talk it out right then; introverts need time to process. So extravert spouses: give your spouse time to think! And introverted spouses: remember that your spouse needs to hear your heart and needs to know what you think and feel. Make it a point to deliberately share something everyday, even if it seems odd. A good practice to get into is the High/Low sharing exercise!
When you ask an Extravert a question, he or she will usually start talking. This is because Extraverts think out loud. But with Introverts, the opposite is more often true. When you ask an Introvert a question, he or she will usually pause before answering…Not only do Extraverts speak first and think second, but they also tend to act before they think. As a result, they are usually quick to become engaged in new and interesting situations, they like being out in front, and they are comfortable in the spotlight.
Not surprisingly, this leads to differences in how we choose to spend free time. Extraverts want to be involved in things with lots of people; introverts will want to be alone more or with small groups of people. Parties will exhaust them, and may require days to recover from. Extraverts will thrive at parties.
Understandably, Introverts choose to have fewer people in their lives, and they are more often close friends or confidants. Most Extraverts, however, “collect” people and often have a stable of friends and acquaintances with whom they enjoy spending time.
If you’re an extravert married to an introvert, become involved in some same sex groups where you can get together with friends without requiring your spouse to come along!
When Extraverts Marry Extraverts
Here’s the one that I’m most familiar with: Keith and I are both extraverts. That may seem like we wouldn’t have any problems, since we have similar approaches. We enjoy other people. We talk problems through immediately. We easily spend time together.
Nevertheless, there can be some drawbacks that it’s still good to be aware of.
Because we’re both so outwardly focused, and because we process through talking, if we’re upset about something, we have to discuss it right then and there. However, because we haven’t had a lot of time to process it, we can often escalate arguments far beyond what they should be. We don’t seem to have an “off” switch. It’s like the more we talk, the louder the volume gets, because we’re reacting to what the other person is saying–even if what the other person is saying hasn’t been thought through clearly.
For instance, if we’re upset, I may feel angry, but I’m not always sure why I’m angry. I haven’t had time to process it yet. So I tend to verbalize the first thought that comes to my mind–even if, had I thought and talked it through more, I would have realized that I wasn’t actually angry about that. Nevertheless, it’s now been said, and so Keith reacts to that, and it grows from there.
If what I say initially is only 80% accurate, and then Keith reacts to that in a way that’s only 80% accurate, and I react to what he says in a way that’s only 80% accurate…well, pretty soon we’re arguing about something that’s only about 33% accurate (I know you can’t measure things exactly like that, but you get the picture!).
Extraverts would benefit from taking a bit of a time out when they’re angry, and taking a big step back and get out of this reacting-reacting cycle. One of the best ways to do this is to stop reacting to what the other person is saying and start talking instead about what your deepest need is at this moment. I talk about that in this post on how to resolve conflict, and it’s one of the big “thoughts” in my book 9 Thoughts that Can Change Your Marriage. When we can figure out the underlying emotional need in any situation, we can stop the negative reactive cycle and get to the heart of the problem.
How Can 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage Help You?
Do you find yourself spinning your wheels when you’re having a fight? You say all kinds of things, but nothing ever gets solved.In fact, you tend to have the same fight over and over again.
Maybe it’s because you haven’t learned the secret to resolving conflict–it’s about unmet emotional needs, and it can change everything for you.
Stop the blame game–and start solving these problems! It’s easier than you think.
Check out 9 Thoughts here.
When Introverts Marry Introverts
Introverts don’t tend to have the same social needs that extraverts have, but that doesn’t mean they don’t benefit from or need community.
When two introverts marry, they might find it easy to retreat into their own little world and not make as much of an effort to find good community. Many introverts may be perfectly happy and content if they only ever had to see their family for the next few years.
But the problem is that even if you don’t get your energy from interactions with other people, you still need community. So the introverted couple may have a unique struggle to fight reclusiveness and find social outings and interactions that they enjoy and make them a scheduled part of their week, similar to how you would working out or going grocery shopping.
On top of fighting reclusiveness in social situations, many introverts may find they need to learn to fight the urge to become reclusive in their everyday experiences. If you are able to process things internally, you still need to share the result of your processing with your spouse. Two introverts who find themselves in conflict may both come to solutions to the conflict and rectify it in their own minds but never actually communicate their internal journey with the other. But it’s sharing that internal journey that is what allows you to share your heart with your spouse.
Focusing on communication, even if you feel you’ve already processed it on your own, allows you to bring your spouse into your experience. And that shared experience is crucial in marriage. Again, the High/Low exercise may feel awkward, but it’s so much easier than asking the question “how was your day”, and it allows your spouse in.
How differences between Extraverts and Introverts can impact marriage:Click To Tweet
So now we’ve tackled the extrovert/introvert scale. Next week we’ll turn to Sensing/Intuition, or detail person vs. big picture person.
Let me know in the comments: are you an introvert or extrovert? How does that affect your marriage?
And if you want to learn more, check out Just Your Type!
Posts in the MBTI Marriage Series:
MBTI and Marriage: An Overview
MBTI and Marriage: The Extrovert/Introvert Scale (this one!)
MBTI and Marriage: The Intuition/Sensing Scale (coming soon)
MBTI and Marriage: The Thinking/Feeling Scale (coming soon)
MBTI and Marriage: The Judging/Perceiving Scale (coming soon)
Author
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Sheila's Best Posts
Books
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 26 years and happily married for 21! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!
August 7, 2018
10 Stories of Big-Bust Shame from Hitting Puberty Early
All too often it can. A few weeks ago I asked on Facebook and Twitter for women’s experiences if they grew breasts early. The stories and comments were so sad! I just want to share some with you, and then leave you with some of my thoughts.
So today, for Top 10 Tuesday, here are 10 themes that I found about women’s experiences when they grew large chests early:
1. Assuming big breasts = Sex obsessed
I am 15 years old and I often get comments from grown men saying I need to ‘cover up’ because they might not be able to control themselves. My stepfather commented on my breasts when I was younger and even made comments about how I would grow up to be a stripper.
I was well aware that I got a lot of attention from guys because of my chest. … I regularly had to tell guys I was only 13, which had them running for the hills. I was called “jailbait” all the time. I was approached sexually by guys on a weekly basis. For me, I felt like my chest was a bad thing because I got so much creepy attention for it.
2. Accusing them of being a temptation
Embarrassed! I was homeschooled, and my guyfriend’s moms would tell me I shouldn’t front-hug their sons because I was being a temptation.
3. Difficulty of finding “modest” clothing when you have natural cleavage
Swim suits were a nightmare as my mother tried to keep me modest. Cleavage was forbidden which meant wearing clothes always up to my collar bones. So many safety pins trying to correct my outfits. My dad stopped hugging me.
4. Unwanted sexual touching (assault) in school
I was forced to wear roller disco shorts that fit at the beginning of the year, but then I grew. I was felt up by teacher and a student. I still am unable to enjoy sports.
I was in a C-cup in 3rd grade. By high-school boys assumed they could grab my boobs. I had to use “the kick” often. Of course the christian guilt that came with boys grabbing me was no fun either.
5. Being teased horribly by other girls
First I felt great I was becoming a woman, however that soon changed. The cruelty of the girls who called me chestarella to shame & embarrass me in front of others.
I hated it. I was always super modest, but I have a very large chest that came in early. I was accused of being a bra stuffer. I went to a church lock in and when I was in another room doing an activity, some of the girls got into my bag and got out my big, giant, middle school pads, covered them in red Play-Doh, and stuck them to the walls. Middle school was utter misery and a big part of it was that I was an early bloomer with a large chest. And it didn’t help that I have very heavy periods, and would bleed through a lot. My mom never really had any kind of “talks” with me so I didn’t even understand how tampons worked (I tried to leave them in the plastic part and just shoved it in there). Puberty sucked for real.
Awkward and miserable. I got my period before the 4th grade and developed quickly (size B boobs by 6th grade) and was bullied by boys and girls because of it. Verbally bullied because of my boobs, curves, period and some genetics. It got so bad that I had to make special arrangments to use the nurse’s bathroom every time I was on my period. One “friend” even sneakily unhooked my bra during recess (she claimed she was going to massage my shoulders).
6. Being singled out by teachers
It was really hard. My breasts were large by the time I was 10, although I didn’t get my period until 13. My 4th grade teacher made it a point to announce to the class that I was the first to start wearing a bra. Everyone commented: teachers, kids, adults, church people, you name it. It was like throughout my life I was only known as “the one with the big boobs”. I learned to hate my body. I was always uncomfortable. Had a reduction when I was 21, brutal surgery, as one commenter stated. It helped a little, but I still felt like they were too big. 46 years old now, and I am finally coming to terms with loving and accepting my body, but it has been daily struggle.
7. Being an object of curiosity (again, unwanted sexual touching)
I honestly had no Idea I was different until after Christmas my 5th grade year and I came back to school with a crushed velvet shirt(my favorite Christmas gift) and everyone was rubbing it, because it was so soft and my teacher made me go to the nurse and my mom had to bring me a new shirt. I wasn’t allowed to wear it again. That crushed me. My mom told me that the boys were rubbing my boobs( I was already a B) and that isn’t ok. I had no idea it was bad or wrong. After that I was embarrassed to wear tight shirts and started wearing oversized shirts so no one would notice. I got over it as I got older, but it was hard when I was young.
8. Thinking the problem was that you were “fat”
Embarrassed. Awkward. I was made fun of and nothing ever fit right. I thought I was really fat and started dieting in 5th grade.
9. Becoming shy, even though that’s not your personality
I hated it too. I was super self conscious and still fight that today. It made me feel very shy and aware vs feeling confident and proud.
10. Finally, one healthy response (after dozens of scarred ones):
Embraced them. Dressed to enhance them…not inappropriately til in my very late teens early 20s. More saggy these days but still one of my better features. Still the most endowed of my friends
This all breaks my heart. And I do want to say a few things.
Did hitting puberty early cause major embarrassment and shame about your body? Listen to these stories:Click To Tweet
Could adolescent shame be playing a part in your sex life?
If you grew up feeling like your body was evil, and that your breasts caused you a ton of embarrassment, then maybe it’s no wonder if you’re finding it difficult to enjoy your breasts or to feel sexy! These things that affect us at key times in our lives often travel with us.
So as you read those comments, did any of them trigger anything with you? Do you remember feeling that way? If so, I just urge you to face those things head on, and then pray through the shame and reject it. God really did make your body beautiful. I’m sorry if you were ever made to feel otherwise.
Your body is not dangerous!
What made me particularly angry was how many girls were made to feel like their body was dangerous to men. The way we tell our young girls to cover up because men might lust after them? Do we have any idea what that makes girls feel like?
My daughter Katie developed early, and she’s shared before in a video that when she was in fourth grade, her Sunday School teacher took her aside one day and told her that now that she was developing, she’d have to watch what she wore because men would be looking at her chest. She was horrified. Adult men were looking at her chest?!? What?!?
And then telling girls that they were now objects of temptation? Not fair. Not fair at all.
Yes, I want girls to dress to respect themselves (and I explain how we can teach them that properly). But we must stop this narrative that girls are responsible if men lust, and that girls’ bodies can become stumbling blocks. That “stumbling block” reason for modesty is actually taking the Bible out of context. If you read the context, you’ll find that there’s a much stronger case for treating girls with respect and not shaming them than there is for telling girls they must cover up so as not to be a temptation to men.
The Bible gives a much stronger case for treating women with respect and not shaming them for their bodies than it does for asking women to cover up so men don't lust. Click To Tweet
We often shame women just because they’re shaped differently
One girl said that her stepfather told her she’d be a stripper because she had a big chest. Really? (And women, if your new husband speaks this way to your biological children, this is not okay. This is abuse and you must protect your daughter).
I have known so many other women who have said, “I was accused of not being modest even though I wore the exact same T-shirt as other girls in the youth group simply because I filled mine out more.” Just because someone is voluptuous does not mean that they aren’t modest or are deliberately trying to attract attention. When we make it sound like they are, then that’s when women start wearing nothing but baggy T-shirts and start hating their bodies. Don’t shame another woman just because she happens to look great in a sweater. And please don’t shame a teen girl for the same reason!
Make sure your daughters could NEVER say any of this!
As moms, it’s our job to guide our daughters through puberty and to help them develop a healthy respect for their bodies. That means we have to keep the conversations at puberty open and honest and uplifting, rather than focusing on shame.
If you’re not sure how to do that, my daughters and I have created The Whole Story, a unique video-based course for girls aged 10-12 or 13-15 to guide them through puberty, body chances, peer pressure, and understanding sex. My daughters tell your girls “the whole story”, and then lesson plans and discussion questions help you keep those conversations going. It’s fun and it’s relatively painless! Check it out here. (And we have a boys’ version launching in October!)
In the meantime, let me know: Did you see yourself in any of these comments? Did you grow up feeling shame about your body? Let’s talk about how we can get over that shame, and stop our daughters from feeling it!
Author
Social Media
Sheila's Best Posts
Books
Courses
Freebie
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 26 years and happily married for 21! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!
August 6, 2018
Reader Question: How Does Grief Affect Your Sex Life?
On Mondays I like to take a reader question and try to answer it on video (and I’ve had great fun filming some upcoming ones with my daughter Rebecca!).
But today’s a significant day for me. Today my son Christopher would have turned 22, had he lived.
And recently I had a reader write in about grief and intimacy. I read her whole question on the video, but to summarize:
A few years ago we lost our baby girl when she was only 36 days old. Our oldest was 19 months at the time. A few years later we had a stillborn. We went on to have two more healthy children, but we also had a miscarriage. I know that you say grief comes upon you in waves, and I’ve certainly experienced that. But for me, grief and sex are really intertwined. It makes our sex life really difficult. Any suggestions?
That’s a hard question! I related in the video something that I shared in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, about how making love ended up being very healing for me the night that my son died. And that was not something that I had expected (and I didn’t mean to tear up in the video!).
For those of you who don’t like to watch videos, or who want more info, let me summarize some of what I said about grief and intimacy.
We tend to experience grief differently. This month we’re talking about personality types (really how the MBTI relates to marriage). Every Wednesday we’re looking at a different facet. But my personality type loves talking about our thoughts and figuring out plans and ideas by talking out loud. Feelings, however, are different. When I’m feeling grief, I tend to put a wall around myself and like to be by myself.
My husband, on the other hand, is far more extroverted with his feelings. He has no trouble sharing them. And that means that we don’t always help each other the best.
Sometimes a couple may simply process grief differently, and that has the potential to pull you apart.
It’s important, though, to recognize that making love can actually be a healing part of grief even if you don’t talk about what you’re feeling. You don’t need to talk to touch each other’s pain. And often we carry our pain in our physical bodies. When we can share that, it can be tremendously freeing, if you’re not able to vocalize what you’re thinking.
So I’d say: even if you can’t talk about it, don’t shy away from each other. Try to even say just one sentence aloud, and then hold each other, and don’t be afraid if it goes further than that. Deep intimacy tends to fuel desire, but that doesn’t mean that you’re ignoring grief and just getting sexy! No, it means that you’re trying to connect on the deepest level. You’re truly making love. And that’s okay.
My son Christopher’s handprint.
My son Christopher’s footprints
Some other posts on grief and intimacy that may help you today:
Grief: You Don’t Just Get Over It (do we understand what grief looks like over time)? This was the post that the reader was referring to in her question, and the analogy about the hole in the floor came from a comment on this post, too.
Why I’m Okay 20 Years After My Son Died. A little more about my own journey with grief
10 Ways to Nurture Your Marriage Through Grief
How Big Is Your Umbrella? My little book to help people process grief. It tells my own story of loss, but it really focuses on the things that we yell at God when life is difficult, and what God whispers back. And the ebook version is only $2.99!
Fit2b.us – The exercise program I was referring to in the video that helps you release some of the physical tension that grief can cause in specific areas of our bodies. It’s very calming and soothing. (Fit2b has a ton of great videos on exercise and activating your core and dealing with tummy issues, but it also has a video specifically for grief, though the whole program isn’t designed just for that).
My favourite picture of me with my son.
I hope that that helps you today. I don’t know how I’m going to spend my day yet. Hubby and I may go for a drive in a beautiful part of the county near where we live, or may go for a hike (though it’s stinking hot). But I’m going to try to not pull away from him today!
Our family around Christopher’s grave in 2017. Keith and I with our two daughters and their husbands.
What do you think? Have you ever gone through a period of intense grief? How did it affect your intimacy with your spouse? Let’s talk in the comments!
August 3, 2018
An In-Depth, Crash Course for an Awesome Marriage!
It’s great writing posts everyday, but lately I’ve been wanting to go more in-depth into certain areas.
I tried doing one subject for a week (like the week we did for higher libido wives), but I decided I didn’t really like that format. First, if you’re not a higher drive wife, then the week has nothing for you. But also, as time goes on I sometimes find more that I want to say, and when it’s five posts in a row, you don’t have time to absorb all the comments and feedback and work them into the posts.
So as Rebecca (my daughter who works with me) and Joanna (another young woman who runs all my emails) and I were brainstorming, we came up with an idea that I hope will work really well.
We’re going to take all the Wednesdays in a month (the Wifey Wednesdays) and dedicate them to one particular topic.
This month I launched that–we’re talking all about personality differences in marriage, looking at the MBTI and marriage. The MBTI is a personality tool that classifies people based on four scales, and I introduced that topic on Wednesday (and it obviously hit a nerve, because it had incredible traffic!). Over the rest of the month we’ll look at the four different scales: what happens when you’re different on those scales, and what happens when you’re the same (just because you’re the same doesn’t mean that it’s all smooth sailing!).
I find this stuff really fun, and I just wanted to spread it out over a longer time frame.
I’ve got some other topics planned, too. In September we’re going to look at submission, because all kinds of people have been asking me to write more about that, and then in October I’m going to revisit birth control and family planning, because we haven’t looked at that in ages (I know this one can be controversial, but let’s give each other grace, okay? It’s a huge question that people have, and all of us deal with it in one way or the other, so I’m just going to present all the options. I won’t tell you what you SHOULD do; only the pros and cons of everything).
Then we’re going to add some more fun stuff! On the last Wednesday of the month, I’ll also release a podcast that will likely run about 30 or 40 minutes summing up all the posts, and then have my commentary about the comments, the feedback, and some more stuff I wanted to say but didn’t have room for. (The first podcast won’t be up until September, because I’m leaving for Kenya for our missions trip soon, but it will be up then!)
And then, of course, I’ll have extra content for my email subscribers! Those who sign up for my weekly emails will also get some behind-the-scenes looks at what else I’ve been thinking about that topic, and what some of the other members of my team think. In August we’ll be profiling other couples who work for me, and what their personality types are (and how they find the differences and/or the similarities!).
I just want the chance to explore some things at greater depth, and I’m hoping that this will allow me to do it. And I’ve always wanted to add podcasts to the blog, but I’ve never known exactly what would be most helpful. But I think a once a month thing where I sum up the main thrust that month could be a good one!
Of course I’ll still blog about sex, because on the other four days of the week I’ll just post whatever comes to mind (and answer a lot of reader questions!). But I think this new focus will be fun.
If you want to get the most out of this month’s blog series, and the others that are coming, then, make sure you’re signed up to my emails! And do read the post on MBTI and marriage so that you can start thinking about your own personality type (and your spouse’s!).
And be sure to read this post on how a marriage actually changes. I’m happy to write these in-depth posts, but there’s one more step that’s really important if it’s going to impact your marriage. And it’s up to you.
Speaking of what else is coming up, I am heading off to Kenya for the last two weeks of the month.
Rebecca’s coming with me (as are our husbands!), but we’ve got posts all ready to go for when we’re gone, and some other people will be moderating comments. I know it’s silly, but I have so much to say that I hate to turn the blog completely off when I’m gone.
Want to join my fall tours?
And while I’m gone, Tammy, my ministry director, will be finalizing the dates for my fall tour where I’m bringing my Girl Talk event to churches. I’m all over Ontario in September, and then in November we’re grabbing the RV and heading south into the United States, starting near Detroit. Want to get in on that? Just email Tammy for more information.
I think that’s it.
Have any ideas for what you’d like to see for future monthly series?
Leave them in the comments! I’m always looking for ideas! And I hope you like this new format.
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The Best 31 Days of Your Marriage!
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Learn to talk more, flirt more, and even explore more! You'll work on how to connect emotionally, spiritually, AND physically. And the ebook version is only $4.99!
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August 2, 2018
And…This is Why Abuse Flourishes. Can We Provoke Someone to Abuse?
I honestly wish I didn’t have to ask that question, but last week a commenter left this comment on my post about emotionally destructive marriages:
I believe almost ALL issues in a marriage are created by both. The pastor could have used some more tactful words, but ultimately, he had a point: if one person is having an affair, it may be a sign of some underlying issues both partners have to work on, such as creating more intimacy and communication. I also read how your wife did not accept any compliments, etc. I know how so many women sabotage the efforts of their husbands and in the end it spirals out of control. Sometimes causing the man to be abusive and then all the fingers are pointing to him. I think it is RARE that an abusive husband is abusive in isolation. If the woman constantly rejects him, criticises or (subtly) controls his every move, then I would get angry, too! So I think marriage issues are often a mirror for what is going on with each individual. I cannot stand it when ONE of the two is fully blamed. It is rarely so.
This really ticked me off, and when I shared it on social media, it ticked off pretty much everyone there, too.
But I do think that this attitude is still a prevalent one in Christian circles, and so I’d like to take today and try to debunk it.
Being abusive is very different from getting angry occasionally
Many people have short tempers, and that is very wrong. But abuse is in another category. Abusive people are trying to control others. They want others to do what they say, and they feel angry when someone goes against them.
Thus, the only way to pacify an abusive person is to not have any original thoughts and not do anything that you want to do. In other words, you have to cease being you.
If you have to walk on eggshells to avoid setting someone off, then the problem is not that one day you cracked an egg. The problem is that the person is trying to control you. That is wrong. There is no excuse for that. And no amount of mollifying the person can change that.
An abusive person revels in the abuse itself
Even if someone does endeavour to empty themselves of any original thought, and does walk on eggshells to avoid provoking the abusive person, the abuser will often look for the tiniest infraction in order to have an “excuse” to blow up. An abusive person feels strong and powerful when he (or she) is able to hurt another. When they are feeling insecure in other areas of their lives, they will look for an excuse to overpower their spouse in order to feel in control again. Or they may simply be narcissists and may revel in the power itself, for no reason other than their evil narcissism.
The impetus for the abuse, you see, does not lie in the actions of the person being abused. It lies in the distorted sense of power and self that the abuser has. If the spouse was absolutely perfectly compliant, they would still be abused, because the abuser needs the rush that comes from feeling in control.
Abusers abuse because they like and crave the power, not because the abused did something wrong. You are not to blame!Click To Tweet
Being the catalyst for an abusive action does not mean that you are to blame
In one sense the guy is right. Sometimes we do provoke abusive behaviour by what we do. It does not necessarily mean, however, that we are to blame.
For instance, Jesus was crucified because of what He did. He healed on the Sabbath. He told off the Pharisees. He invited people to know God personally, rather than just follow rules, and this upset the religious authorities. He was challenging their power, and they killed Him for it.
Does this mean that Jesus was to blame?
Here’s another little tidbit. The most dangerous time in an abusive relationship, the time when a woman is most likely to be attacked or killed, is when a woman separates from an abusive partner or spouse. Does that mean that if she separates, and he then kills her, that she is to blame? Did she do something wrong? Should she have stayed with him to avoid provoking him?
Sometimes righteous actions can provoke evil people to do evil things.
The Christians who are in prison around the world are there because they are preaching the gospel. Are they therefore to blame?
Can we 'provoke' someone into abusing us? Nope. Abuse is only ever the abuser's fault. And often righteous actions are the catalyst for an abusive action! That doesn't mean those righteous actions were wrong.Click To Tweet
If a person is trying to control you, and you resist that control and enforce boundaries and try to protect your physical, emotional, and sexual safety, you are doing a good thing. You are precious to God, and . If you are then hurt, you are not to blame. The person who does the abuse is to blame. And that’s because:
Jesus lays the blame for sin at the sinner’s feet
Repeatedly in the Gospels Jesus rejects excuses that others make for their sin. He says in Matthew 5:27-30:
27 “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’[e] 28 But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. 29 If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. 30 And if your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.
He said that women aren’t to blame for men’s lust; men are to blame. We are responsible for our own sin.
Look, in a relationship, sometimes we will do things and others will react with anger. The commenter is right about that. But no one is perfect! Yet not all relationships are abusive. That means that you can live with an imperfect person and not be abusive. The problem is not with the imperfect person; the problem is with the abuser.
As one person commented when I posted this to Facebook:
Save self-defence, there is never an excuse to be violent or to hurt another person, especially a loved one. And there is never an excuse for emotional abuse whereby one uses the silent treatment, insults, passive aggressive behaviour, yelling, or financial abuse to control another person.
There just isn’t.
And if someone is doing that to you, you are not to blame. Being more submissive won’t help. Walking on eggshells won’t help. Learning his (or her) love language and trying to communicate better won’t help. The problem, you see, is not a relationship problem. It is not a problem that the two of you need to solve. It is a problem that the abuser, and the abuser alone, is causing.
When someone is abusive, learning to communicate better, learning love languages, or being more submissive won't help. It's not a relationship issue; it's a character problem on the part of the abuser. Click To Tweet
To Learn More, See 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage!
Sometimes in church we hear messages about how to make a marriage work that actually make an abusive marriage WORSE.It’s time we started thinking differently about marriage!
And in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, I show you 9 thought patterns that can change everything. And it’s not always about becoming nicer. Often it’s just about recognizing what is GOOD.
That may mean learning to confront sin. It may mean learning to own our own issues. But it always means learning to grow together, not apart.
Check it out here!
All too often when women are in abusive relationships they seek out Christian counsellors, and those counsellors are so focused on saving the marriage that they look at how both parties may be to blame. They talk about better communication strategies and going on more date nights. This will not make things better. This simply feeds the abuser’s narcissism.
If you are in abusive situation, please see a counsellor who understands the dynamics of abuse, and who understands that when God said “he hates divorce” it didn’t mean that God forbids divorce. It meant that He was angry at the men who were abandoning their wives. And if your husband is abusing you, that is exactly what he has done.
Let’s get this right. And next time you hear someone arguing that someone can provoke an abuser, speak up. Say something. We need to stop this lie from spreading.
Have you ever heard excuses for abuse like that? What would be your reply? Let’s talk in the comments!
Author
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 26 years and happily married for 21! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!
August 1, 2018
Is He Your Type? MBTI, Personality Types, and Marriage!
I love taking personality tests. I love figuring out what Jane Austen character I am (!), or what I would have done in the Hunger Games (apparently I would have come in second, losing only because I was so sure of winning that I started writing my victory speech too soon and got distracted).
And some of the most fun questions we get here on the blog are about personality differences! So I thought, for all the Wifey Wednesdays in August, we’d take a look at some basic personality differences and how to navigate them. In fact, this is how we’re going to do big series on the blog from now on. Each month I’m going to choose a topic, and every Wednesday will be about that topic. Then at the end of the month I’ll also have a podcast summing up the articles and commenting on extra stuff I’ve thought about from the comments!
Today we’re going to do a BIG overview of personality differences and the MBTI (my favourite personality test!), and then over the month we’re going to look at four personality scales in detail. And to do that, I’m going to start with the book Just Your Type, which helps you understand yourself, your spouse, and the conflicts you’re likely to have–and how to overcome them. It focuses on all the different MBTI types, and then sees what happens when people who are different get together!
But first, let’s do a run-down on what those potential differences are.
MBTI and Marriage: how your type impacts how you approach your relationshipClick To Tweet
The MBTI classifies people based on four scales:
Extrovert/Introvert: Do you get your energy from being with people, or from being alone? When you need to think something through, do you call a friend, or go for a walk yourself? Contrary to popular belief, extrovert doesn’t mean “life of the party”. Many introverts are great at parties. But it’s where you get your energy from that’s important.
Sensing/Intuiting: Do you like detail, or are you a big picture person? Do you like taking things apart and figuring them out, or dreaming up new ways of doing things? Do you like following a pattern or creating your own?
Thinking/Feeling: Do you make decisions based on logic, or based on emotion? Are you most likely to concentrate on what’s “right”, or to focus on how your actions affect others?
Judging/Perceiving: Do you like being organized, with lists and plans, or would you rather be spontaneous and go with the flow?
The MBTI clearly holds that none of these is “right” and none is “wrong”.
They’re just different preferences. But interesting things happen when differences get together–and often quite detrimental things to a marriage.
When couples have differences, here’s what happens:
Most couples engage in this undermining campaign in very subtle and indirect ways; they rarely address the problem honestly and openly. They just stop talking — really talking. So the overwhelming reason relationships fail is poor communication.
These differences tend to be the root of communication problems that drive us apart. But as the authors ask, “What if they had not only understood their differences but also viewed them positively and as a source of richness?” When you’re different, you can actually stretch each other! And you can compensate for a spouse’s weakness, too.
Being always the same isn’t always a good thing, either. If you’re both introverts, you may cocoon inside and never really meet people. If you’re both Ps instead of Js, you may make impulsive decisions and rarely make plans. If you’re both Fs, you may end up lending far too much money to siblings who would squander it because you feel sorry for them!
This month, since there are four more Wednesdays, we’re going to look at each of the four different personality scales, seeing what happens if you’re both the same on either end, (both introverts or both extroverts, for example), or if you’re different. We’ll start with the E/I difference next week.
But I thought before we did that it may be fun to feature some personality types of the people behind this blog!
Keith and Sheila: ESTJ and ENTJ (Innovator vs. Traditionalist)
Our very jetlagged selves right after we landed in Sydney, Australia last month
Keith and I actually score pretty similarly. We’re both Extrovert-Thinkers-Judgers, with our only difference being on the S/N scale. Keith’s a detail person, and I’m crazy big picture person. I’m addicted to Excel spreadsheets and Evernote because it’s the only way I can keep anything straight. If it weren’t for that I’d never be organized!
It’s also one of the reasons that we struggle so hard driving together!
Even though we’re only off by “1” indicator, we actually have very different approaches to the world (and the MBTI names four different approaches, based on the middle two letters). I’m an Innovator (NT) and he’s a Traditionalist (ST), which means that I’m always stirring the pot and trying to make things better, and he’s much more comfortable staying the way things are. So he always feels like I’m pushing him to change, and I can feel like he’s stuck in a rut. The good part is that he grounds me and makes sure I don’t start World War III on too many fronts at once!
Rebecca and Connor: ENTJ and ENTP (Two Innovators)
Rebecca and Connor, on the other hand, are actually more similar than Keith and me, though each of us is off by only one indicator.
Rebecca, the ENTJ, is a future-planner–she actually sat down Connor when they had only been dating for 6 weeks and told him, “If you’re going to go out with me, you need a 5 year plan.”
Connor, being a Perceiving-type, is much more in-the-moment. So although both of them like to stir the pot and find better ways to do things, Rebecca’s approach has more of a world-domination feel to it, while Connor’s approach is more fun-oriented efficiency. Not needing his every action to line up with a 5-year-plan, he often does things just for the heck of it (unlike Becca), but you can bet your bottom dollar he’s going to do it well and find a way to have a great time while doing it.
Katie and David: ESFP and ISTJ (Artisan vs. Traditionalist)
Unlike the rest of us, Katie and David are almost polar opposites. Katie is a people person who feels things deeply and who wants to be present, enjoying life in the moment. David is a problem solver who wants to get things done, and get them done right the first time. The cool thing about them, though (and something I’m so proud of them for!) is that they recognized early in their relationship how different they were, and went out of their way to understand how the other sees the world. And they value the differences. In fact, according to the MBTI, one of the most successful personality matches in marriage is exactly theirs–ESFP and INTJ. Opposites really can work well together.
(By the way, I wrote a post about Katie’s ESFP-ness a while ago on the problems with seeing one personality type as the Perfect Christian Woman. See if you can relate!).
If you want to take your own personality test, you can find your MBTI type here. But I’d also really recommend taking a look at the book Just Your Type.
The book is done in three parts: First, Just Your Type looks at the four scales and sees how people who are different on each of those scales will fare. Then it lists the 16 different personality types and describes them–which is really quite interesting. Rebecca and I were killing ourselves laughing at the description of the ESFP (Katie). Of course, we didn’t laugh too much at the ENTJ (ourselves) because it’s always more fun to laugh at someone else! But it’s pretty hysterical when it’s just so very accurate.
Wondering why your spouse and you are just so DIFFERENT? Let's take a deeper look at what might be the reason:Click To Tweet
In the third part of the book, the book shows how each possible combination of 16 types will fare in marriage, and where your strengths and weaknesses will be. It is isn’t mean to say “these two types should never marry” or “these two types are doomed”, but rather “here’s how these two types can maximize their strengths and work together the best”.
This month I won’t really deal with all 16 types (though I highly recommend picking up the book and checking them out!). Instead, we’ll look at the four main scales and how they can affect your marriage. And I hope we’ll have a lot of fun doing it!
So stay tuned for next Wednesday when we jump off our series with the extravert/introvert scale.
And let me know in the comments: Are you both extroverts? Introverts? Or are you different? Let’s talk!
Author
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 26 years and happily married for 21! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!
The Best 31 Days of Your Marriage!
Read a few pages. Do what it says. Have incredible fun!
Learn to talk more, flirt more, and even explore more! You'll work on how to connect emotionally, spiritually, AND physically. And the ebook version is only $4.99!
.
July 31, 2018
What are the Trigger Points for Conflict in Your Marriage?
A few years ago I wrote a post that talked about how sometimes when we get ticked off at our spouse, the problem is not ACTUALLY with our spouse. I really liked that post, and it ended up being one of the big thoughts in my book 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage.
I’m really busy right now gearing up for our missions trip to Kenya, and I wanted to rerun that post today, because it’s an important one that likely most of my readers haven’t seen. So let’s jump in!
Let’s look at trigger points as causes of conflict.
My mother was often stressed with her family as a teenager, especially on Sunday mornings. Her parents were not the most organized, and Sunday mornings were hectic. My grandfather was a pastor, and he was always missing something–his keys, his tie. My grandmother could never find her glasses. And they would yell and run trying to get out the door. My mother, meanwhile, would be all ready. She had to teach Sunday School, and she had to get going. But invariably she was late because her parents were late.
So eventually she stopped waiting and decided that on Sundays she would take the bus to church. It took a lot longer than the car ride, but it was a lot less stressful, and she could make sure that she wasn’t late.
Sunday mornings were her trigger point. She knew that was coming.
What are your trigger points?
A good exercise is to start keeping track of the times that you become angry or aggravated at your husband (or your kids), and then ask yourself:
What led up to this? What else was happening at the time?
Usually when we react in anger the problem is not solely the thing that we are angry about.
So if your husband walks in the door ten minutes late, one night you may blow up at him, while another night it bounced right off of you and you didn’t care. The cause of the conflict is not what it may seem.
What’s the difference?
Similarly, there may be times you’re ready to tear your husband’s hair out for leaving his socks on the floor one more time instead of getting them in the hamper, while other mornings you’re happily picking up the clothes while humming to yourself.
What’s different?
We dwell on the infraction–being late, not picking up the socks–but we often fail to realize that there are other things that are also contributing to the problem.
If we recognize what those other things are, we can see that these are our “trigger points” for anger. It isn’t necessarily what our husband does that makes us mad; it’s what else is going on that is causing us to see our husbands in a bad light.
When we get mad at our spouses, often the anger is because of something else. What are the trigger points for conflict in YOUR marriage? Click To Tweet
Here are some common ones to get you thinking:
Cause of Conflict in Marriage #1: Feeling Overwhelmed/Busy
Ever feel just so weighed down by demands?
Let’s say that the night that your husband came in ten minutes late and you exploded was also the night that one child had soccer practice right at 6:45, and another child had swimming lessons right at 7, and all day you had been obsessing over how to get each child to the right place at the right time without making anybody late.
You have no leeway for error.
Or perhaps you just have had no time to yourself for a week because you’ve been chauffeuring kids everywhere, and you have a busy work schedule, and some other family things have come up. And you’re just feeling very put upon. In that case, those extra socks can feel as if your husband is standing over you, saying, “here’s something else you have to do! Your whole life is one big to-do list!”
Ask yourself: the last few times that I’ve gotten annoyed, have I been extremely busy? If so, maybe the best thing I can do for my marriage is to take the kids out of some activities and start learning to say “no”.
Cause of Conflict #2: Feeling Tired
When we’re exhausted we get grumpy. Little things our husbands do bother us so much more. And yet if we were bright eyed and bushy tailed we may be able to laugh it off!
Ask yourself: Have I been getting enough sleep lately? Maybe I need to start going to bed earlier, and training the children to sleep regularly, on their own, so that I can invest in my marriage.
Cause of Conflict #3: Feeling Defensive
Have you been angry at yourself lately? Maybe you’re mad because you can’t seem to lose that weight. Maybe you feel like you should be further ahead in your career right now. Maybe you feel like you should be a better mother. I was speaking at a conference recently and a woman came up and asked for prayer because she found that she was constantly angry at her kids. She didn’t want to be that kind of mom, but the house was chaotic and she was always angry.
Which of these trigger points for anger best describes YOU? Let's learn to stop fights before they start!Click To Tweet
We got to talking, and I shared with her that anger is usually a secondary emotion. We react in anger because we feel something else first, and that feeling is too sensitive, or too difficult to deal with, so we deflect it into anger. In her case, she had an immense fear of failure. She was afraid that she wasn’t a good mom. So when things around the house got chaotic and seemed to prove that fear was justified, she became angry.
The problem, though, was that she was already angry at herself. And when we’re angry at ourselves, we usually deflect that anger to other people, because it’s psychologically easier. So when you’re angry at yourself for not being able to keep on top of things at home, and then your husband leaves socks on the bedroom floor, you’ll get angry at him. It’s not the socks; it’s just another trigger that the house is out of control.
Ask yourself: Am I trying too hard to be perfect? Do I constantly feel like a failure? How can I pray through this and work through this with a friend/mentor so that I don’t project my anger at myself onto other people?
Is This Sounding Too Much Like You?
If you can relate to this, then you really need to read 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage!It will show you how we can reduce conflict by understanding how much of our daily problems can stem from things that we are dealing with ourselves.
And that gives us a far better foundation to deal with the REAL issues in our marriage that do need to be tackled well.
The book shows you how to learn to think differently about conflict–how to identify and reduce the triggers for conflict, but also how to raise the real issues that are driving you apart, and how to develop tools to fix them so you don’t keep having the same conflict over and over again.
Read how 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage can help you!
Cause of Conflict #4: Feeling Disconnected
A couple is supposed to feel like a team. They’re supposed to feel intimate, like they’re supporting each other and loving each other. And sex is a big part of that.
When you’re not making love regularly, you start to feel disconnected, because something is missing. Sex was the primary way that God created us to experience intimacy in marriage, and when we’re not pursuing it, it feels as if we’re keeping our spouse at arm’s length, even if that isn’t our conscious intention.
When you’re in a sexual rut it’s easy to feel unsettled in your relationship. We start to second guess each other and question each other because we haven’t “checked in” on the relationship lately by making love. When you make love, you say, “I love you. I forgive past hurts. I want to be close.” When you don’t make love, those things may still be true, but you haven’t shown it tangibly in the same way. So we start to doubt.
And when we’re doubting, those socks on the floor seem to be saying, “I don’t really care about you.” Or they’re saying, “I’m mad at you, so I’m not going to consider your needs or your comfort.”
We’re not defensive about ourselves in this case; we’ve become defensive about the relationship.
Ask yourself: Have you made love regularly, or are you going through a dry spell? To improve your marriage, commit to making love regularly–say at least twice a week. Love covers a multitude of sins, but sex also covers a multitude of misunderstandings. 
July 30, 2018
When Should I Give My Heart Away?
When is a man worth falling in love with?
On Monday I like to take a reader question and answer it, but as we’ve been talking about the criteria for a good marriage partner lately, I thought it was time to revisit this question. And today Katie and Rebecca and I are taking a road trip to go film some TV shows about our course The Whole Story to help prepare kids for puberty (we’ve got the boys’ version launching this fall, too!), and so I wanted to rerun a post instead of writing a new one.
We’ve been talking a lot about preparing for marriage lately, because I see so many difficult marriages, and I wish I could go back in time and give people advice about how to choose someone to marry. Since I can’t, I’d rather help warn the next generation to be wise! So here we go. And please–pass this along!
When is a man worth falling in love with? I have so many women on this blog who aren’t married yet, but who would like to be–and who are even aiming to marry young. And I’d like to share some thoughts with them.
I’ve written before about the 4 things you need in a husband, and those are so important. And last week I ran a post on 10 ways to tell if a guy has good character. But I thought of another way to look at it today that I’d like to share.
So let’s imagine this: You’re 19, and you notice a guy that makes your heart flutter a bit. You get to know him, and you start texting and meeting for coffee. At what point do you let yourself emotionally invest in him? At what point do you give your heart away? When should you fall in love?
I know that it’s not easy to protect your heart, but I’ve always tried to teach my daughters to be wise and not to think about being with someone with whom it would never work. Just don’t even think about it!
But when is it okay to start down that road When is it okay to let yourself fall in love?
I’m going to assume first of all that there is some kind of spark. That’s usually what starts this whole process, after all. So I’m not going to mention that. Instead, here are the two things that are important:
He has to have good character; and he has to treat you well.
That’s it. Just two things! Let’s explore them a bit.
1. Don’t love somebody without good character
He simply has to love God, be wise, and be a steady, reliable person. Under this category would be most of what I wrote in my post on the 4 things you need in a husband.
You need someone that you can serve God with, because that is the purpose of our lives. As Gary Thomas wrote in Sacred Search, Matthew 6:33–Seek ye first the kingdom of God–should apply when choosing a mate as much as it should apply anywhere. Seek God first, and you will choose someone who is also seeking God whom you can serve with.
Ironically, if you are a strong Christian this is often the easy part. Finding another strong Christian, when you belong to a good church or are involved in college & career groups, isn’t hard. And here’s where the difficulty comes: you find someone that does love God, that you can picture serving God with together, and your heart starts to flutter. You begin to imagine the two of you married, or having kids, or whatever. And that’s a danger, because you also need the other element:
2. Don’t love somebody who doesn’t treat you well or invest in the relationship
You may have found someone with good character–but if they’re not willing to invest in the relationship and treat you well, it’s not worth it. If you’re the one always texting them and arranging to meet up; if you have to remind him to call you; if you sit at home and wonder if he’s thinking about you and you have absolutely no idea–then don’t do it.
I fell in love hard when I was 18. He had amazing character, I thought: he led the campus prison ministry (our university was in a big prison town, and a lot of the campus groups were involved in prison ministry); he was planning on going on the mission field; he led Bible studies. He was a lot older than me, but he was impressed with my dedication to evangelism and God, too. And so we started seeing each other, if that’s the term. But he didn’t want anybody else to know, likely because he knew his friends would wonder why he was dating a first year student. And he was also planning on going around the world the following year to do missions work before medical school.
I was madly in love with this guy. I would have followed him anywhere, had he asked. But he didn’t. He liked being with me, he liked having my devotion, he liked all the perks I brought–but he wouldn’t invest anything of himself.
If you are the one who is invested more in the relationship, you need to guard your heart. You can’t force someone to love you. They have to come to that themselves. It’s better to take a huge step back and leave it in God’s hands than to chase after someone. If you are meant to be together, God will let it happen. But if you force something, you set up this dynamic where you’re needy and you’re trying to keep the relationship going. And that’s awful!
GIRLS! Don't give your heart away to any guy without these 2 MUST-HAVE qualities:Click To Tweet
So should you fall in love with him? No, not if he isn’t equally into you.
One more thing: treating you well does not equal making out. Perhaps that seems obvious, but here’s what often happens: you totally love someone, and whenever you get together he kisses you and it’s amazing and you feel so close. And then he’s gone for a week and doesn’t text you. A physical relationship makes you feel close. It insinuates that you love each other. It makes it seem like, “he must be invested in me!” But it doesn’t necessarily mean anything of the sort. He may just like kissing you. Don’t mistake physical affection for treating you well; in most cases, it’s the exact opposite. If a guy will kiss you breathlessly but then not text you or call you for a while, he’s DEFINITELY not worth your attention. Don’t let hormones warp your judgment.
When you’re falling in love, don’t settle for just one criteria
When I was having a heart-to-heart with one university girl this weekend, I said to her: You have one guy with a great character who doesn’t treat you well, and one guy who treats you well but doesn’t love God that much. Neither is worth your heart right now. Move on and grow yourself, even if that’s difficult.
Because that’s really all you can do.
If a guy has a great character, and he falls for you, he will most likely treat you well. But a guy with a great character can still treat you badly if he’s immature; he’s not ready for a relationship; or he’s too focused elsewhere right now. He may be a great guy, but that relationship is doomed. Don’t invest in it. Should you fall in love? NO. Absolutely not.
Then I know another young woman who just broke off an engagement, and it was heartbreaking. He treated her well and worshiped the ground she walked on–but he didn’t love God and he was rather lazy. Ultimately, you can’t marry someone like that.
Most heartaches are caused because we sacrifice one point
Most of the time that we get our hearts broken it’s because one of those conditions isn’t met. Either we pursue a relationship with a guy we’re attracted to but who isn’t ultimately right for us because he doesn’t love God or is lazy or is self-centered, and then we have to break it off after giving him years of our lives, or we fall for a great guy who just isn’t ready for a relationship.
Every heartache that I can remember in my life, except for one, was caused by sacrificing one of the main criteria. If you are with someone who invests in the relationship and who is good to you who also has good character–it’s rare that that relationship won’t work if you are both praying people. If you’re both listening to God, then things likely will work out well. The one heartache where I had both criteria met was with my now-husband. He broke off our engagement, and then came back a few months later. But even then, he was worth giving my heart to!
So don’t give your heart away unless both criteria are met. Don’t let yourself fall in love with anybody who doesn’t have a great character, or who doesn’t invest in the relationship, too.
I know it’s hard to look around you and feel alone, like there’s no one that you can imagine marrying right now. I know it’s nicer to have someone to think about and dream about. That’s natural. But don’t do it. Don’t dream about someone who hasn’t returned your affections. And don’t even think about falling for someone who doesn’t love God.
The Two Things You Need in a Guy: If he doesn't have them both, he's not worthy of you.Click To Tweet
My daughter Katie made a video about this, too! Here’s Katie talking about these exact two things!
Just a note to those living with someone already
And now, a final word for those of my readers who are living with their boyfriends, but the relationship isn’t going anywhere. I get a ton of people on this blog for marriage advice, and even though this is a Christian marriage blog, I often get people who aren’t Christians. And that’s fine. That’s wonderful. I’m glad you’re here!
But I’ve had so many comments left lately saying something like, “I love my boyfriend and we’ve been living together for four years, but he won’t get a job,” or “I really want to marry my boyfriend, but I just found out he uses porn and he never cleans up around the house,” or “My boyfriend never wants to talk to me or do anything with me. He treats me like a roommate he gets to have sex with. I love him so much, but how do I get him to treat me well?”
One of the problems all of these women have is that they are already living with these guys. They’ve given so much of themselves away–without the men having to give much of anything back.
Living with someone before marriage is really dangerous. It makes you feel closer than if you were just dating, which makes it harder to break off what may be a very dysfunctional relationship. Here’s a post I wrote for women who need to put the brakes on a relationship and see whether it’s worth it.
And can you all do me a favour and share this post with young people you know? Let’s get the word out! Just put it on Facebook, Pinterest, or Twitter!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 26 years and happily married for 21! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
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July 27, 2018
Cry Along with Me: It’s My Daughter’s Wedding Video!
It’s been a big year in our family! Around a year ago now Katie got engaged, and in February she and David were married. They had a rather quick courtship, because when they started dating, they had already been very good friends for years and knew each other so well.
Katie had been living in Ottawa, but she now lives in a small town about 3 hours north of us where David is stationed (he’s a medic in the military). So they’re a little further away to visit now.
She’s still busy building her YouTube channel and getting adjusted to being a wife. They’ve found a great community church where she’s made lots of friends, and she’s enjoying the young women in the mid-week Bible study she’s joined.
I miss her, but she’s doing great!
And I thought today, for her birthday, I’d just share her wedding video for those who may not have seen it when I shared it on Facebook. (And the first voice you’ll hear as you watch it is my husband Keith’s!). The minister who did the ceremony is a chaplain in the military. He and his wife Tammy did their pre-marital counselling. They’ve also been great friends of ours since 2007, and used to be the kids’ youth leaders. And Tammy now works for me, and answers so many of my emails! Steeve (yes, it has 2 “e’s”) is French Canadian, and I love that little aspect to the wedding, too!
And, of course, the shawl I knit is in the thumbnail.
