Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 277

When Your Spouse Isn't Interested in Sex: Communicating Your Needs

Last month, in my 29 Days to Great Sex series, I was talking about how to make sex great: how to want it, how to be enthusiastic, how to make it fun.

But then the emails started to arrive: what do I do if my husband isn't interested? What do I do if my wife won't read this series with me? What do I do when my spouse just doesn't think sex is important? We've been looking for the last two days at some reasons that men may not want sex.

Today I want to offer my thoughts on what you can do–whether you're a husband or a wife–and you're married to someone who just isn't interested in sex. On Monday a woman left this comment on my blog, and it pretty much sums up what many of the spouses who email me are feeling:

My husband has low testosterone and it is a huge struggle for us, even though he is being treated for it. The biggest thing is that he just doesn't really see sex as an issue at all; it's as if he wants a complete marriage, but if there was no sex, he'd be fine with that.

I am a Christian and love my God. However, at this time, I am struggling with being very angry with God because I am a "good girl," raised in a Christian home and although I dated a lot before marriage (and fooled around), I saved myself for marriage and for my husband. Now I feel like I've been cheated or robbed. I know life's not fair, and that there are worse things people are dealing with, but for me, I feel lonely, rejected, and bitter. He is a fabulous man, father, and husband, but it breaks my heart that he doesn't see any need for sex in marriage. He's not into porn, addicted to anything, etc….just apathetic towards sex. In a way, it's worse, because there's no "addiction" to stop, no "sin" to confess, nothing that can be "fixed." Even with his testosterone levels raised to where they should be, he doesn't really care about sex at all.

He still makes love to me because he knows it's something I need, but I wish it was something HE actually needed, too.

She's a little more fortunate, because at least her husband does acknowledge his wife's need for sex and tries to meet it. Many people who wrote me don't even have that. Their spouses have basically checked out. Tomorrow we'll look at what to do when your spouse has decided to withhold sex, almost permanently.

But today let's deal with this problem: how do you help a spouse who does not have a drive for sex or an understanding that sex is important understand what your needs are? Here are some thoughts:

1. Get Your Heart Right

Don't enter a conversation angry or bitter. If your spouse has wronged you, go to God with that anger and ask Him to help you forgive. You need to have a conversation where you pursue what is best for you as a couple. Having a conversation where you're trying to get him or her to acknowledge how much they've hurt you won't necessarily help your relationship. There is a time to bring this up, once things are looking better, but if the desire is to move your relationship towards greater intimacy, that is what you should be focusing on, not vengeance. God calls us to love our spouses wholeheartedly, even if they don't meet our needs.

2. Focus on Intimacy, not Sexual Release

Your spouse has an issue with sex. Chances are they find it a somewhat distasteful–if not very distasteful–obligation. It could be because they have really negative attitudes about sex; or it could simply be because they're tired, they're sick of having things on their to-do list, and they don't want to have to do something energetic that they have to "get in the mood" for.

If you talk about your sexual needs, chances are this is what your spouse will hear:

"I have sexual needs because I have never really developed self-control the way you have. I am a slave to my body, unlike you, who is able to focus on the important things in life. And now, because of my desire and lack of self-control, I want you, who are already busy, to get energetic and to pretend that you actually want sex so that I can get some release."

Not exactly a very attractive proposition, is it? Obviously that's not what you mean, but even if you simply said something like this:

I desire you. I find you so attractive. You excite me. I want us to experience this together. I want to feel loved.

Your spouse will hear the first bit, especially if this has become a big area of conflict in your relationship.

So what should you do instead? Focus on the real issue–the one that both of you share. You want more intimacy, and sex is a doorway into intimacy. I would say something like this:

I really believe that God created us to long for each other and to be able to experience major depths of love and intimacy. I believe that God wants us to feel passionate about each other, close to each other, and truly intimate, so that we know that we're not walking through life alone. I want us to feel so madly in love, and I want you to feel how much I love you. I want us to feel like we're totally one, and I believe that the way that God made us to express that is through sex.

I know sex can be difficult for you, and I know you're tired a lot of the time. I know you feel like you don't have a lot of desire. But I'm worried that our lack of intimacy is actually partly the cause of some of that exhaustion. If we could really feel passion and really feel as if we were truly connected, perhaps much of the angst that we have both been feeling lately would evaporate.

I think God wants you to live such a big life. God wants you to enjoy everything that He created you for, and I think that we're robbing each other of the gift of passion that God put in us. Do you think that we could try to rediscover passion together? I know it's not easy, because you feel like you don't have a sex drive. But it's not just about sex; it's about feeling so close to each other. That's what I really want. Can we talk about how we can feel that intimacy, that passion, that closeness? And how we can make it easier for you to feel it? Because that's what I think our marriage needs.

In other words, you're focusing on intimacy and love, and not on release. The conversation doesn't become about sex, or what you do in bed, or how often is enough. It focuses on how we can feel love for each other and how we can really experience passion.

Don't argue about sexual release. Don't argue about sexual needs. Don't bring up 1 Corinthians 7, about how your spouse's body belongs to you. That will not likely help the situation (even if it is true). Instead, bring up your desire for intimacy–an intimacy that will empower you both, energize you both, and equip you both to deal with the world together. When a couple is really experiencing that, they can take on the world.

Then the discussion can turn more to overcoming roadblocks for sex, like I'm just too tired, or I don't really enjoy it, and you can start looking at how you can address these things to make intimacy easier. If your spouse is nervous about it, you can talk about it in a loving way, saying something like, "I understand that, but I want so much more for you. God created you to live a big life, and I think He put me here to help you do that. Can we talk about how we can break through some of these issues?" The idea is that you love your spouse and you don't want them to miss out on intimacy. It isn't only about your sexual needs. It's about your needs as a couple.

Now, some people are bound to chime in and say that I'm being too easy on the spouse. If they're not meeting needs, they're sinning and they need to be told to shape up. In an ideal world we could just say to someone, "you're doing wrong", and they would cease. But I have very rarely seen that happen in real life. What I am proposing is to talk about it in a way that is more likely to get your spouse to understand your heart, and more likely to get your spouse involved in seeking a solution. And to me, that is more important than telling your spouse that he or she is wrong and you are right. If you're not at the point where you can do that, and if you're still too angry, then I'd suggest you work on your anger before you bring any of this up with your spouse.

3. Focus on Intimacy in Other Ways

Intimacy should be the main focus of your conversation with your spouse, because as your spouse recognizes a deeper need for intimacy, he or she will likely recognize more of a need for sex.

But intimacy is deeper than just sex, and if you work on building intimacy in other areas of your life, you may very well also fuel your spouse's desire for sex.

So work on your friendship. Spend time together. Develop hobbies together. Take an interest in what your spouse is doing. If your wife is overburdened with the house or with kids, start helping her more so she can relax. If your husband is overburdened with work, do what you can to help him. Help each other calm down, de-stress, and spend time together.

And then work on your spiritual intimacy. Our spiritual health is very related to our sexual health. When we feel close to God, we'll simultaneously feel more like reaching out to our spouses. When I had dinner a while ago with Bill and Pam Farrel, of Men are Like Waffles, Women are Like Spaghetti fame, they told me that the couples with the best sex lives tend to be those in ministry. As you serve God and worship God more, you tend to reach out for your spouse more.

I have found that in my own life, too. When my husband and I read Psalms before we go to bed, or pray together before we go to bed, I'm always more ready to jump him! So work on developing spiritual disciplines together. Go to church together. Read the Bible together. If you're uncomfortable praying out loud, get a book of prayers and read those (that really is allowed). In many ways, sex is a picture of our longing for God; our longing to be deeply connected and deeply known. As we open ourselves up to spiritual passion, we're more likely to feel other kinds of passion.

Pursue intimacy in all areas of your life: physical, relational, and spiritual. And then talk to your spouse about how God wants you to live lives of passion and intimacy. That is His desire. If we as a couple aren't experiencing that, we're missing out on something beautiful. So do we want to live small lives, or big lives? And what can we do to work towards that big life?

Will framing the conversation like this work? No, not necessarily. You can never change another person; you can only change yourself. However, I do believe that this is the best option you have.

Great Sex Challenge: Pursue Intimacy. Pray and get rid of anger or bitterness in your heart towards your spouse. Pursue friendship and spiritual intimacy, with no strings attached. Then talk to your spouse about your desire for deeper intimacy, and about God's plan for passion and intimacy. Ask what you can do as a couple to pursue that.

My new book, The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex, is now shipping from Amazon! And they still have it at 30% off! In the book, I deal with how to boost your libido (if you're a woman), how to pursue intimacy as a couple, and how to deal with a man who doesn't want sex. And Zondervan's offering an awesome contest where you just fill out a quick quiz, and you could win $1000 towards a second honeymoon! More here.

Every Wednesday I put up a linky where you can share posts you've written about marriage! My regular Wifey Wednesday feature will start again next week (this week I'm still talking to husbands, too!), but if you'd like to link up a marriage post, just put the URL in a linky below!

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Related posts:

Having Fun in the Bedroom!
Wifey Wednesday: What is Appropriate Sexual Release?
Wifey Wednesday: The Building Blocks

Husband Doesn't Want to Make Love Day 2: What Can I Do?

Last month I wrote 29 Days to Great Sex, where I talked about how to make sex wonderful in your marriage. I was focusing on the things that women can do to boost their libido, get better attitudes about sex, and have fun!



But what do you do if it's your husband who has the low libido? When I was doing my research for The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex, I found that in 20-25% of marriages it's actually the wife who wants sex more than her husband. And many women have emailed me saying, "I feel so rejected. I don't know what to do anymore. What's wrong with me?" I dealt with this in a chapter in the book, but I want to expand on it here, too.

Before I do that, though, one big thing to celebrate: The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex starts shipping today! So if you ordered it, you'll get it really soon! And if you haven't ordered it, you can do that here. It's getting great reviews, and I'll try to post some this weekend.

Today let's look at what we women can do to help boost our husband's libidos. But I need to put a big caveat in here first. Yesterday I listed the main reasons that a husband may have a low libido. When we talk about boosting a husband's libido, you'll often hear people say: just buy some lingerie! Just seduce him. That's easy to say, but it doesn't always work. It entirely depends on what the problem is. And to tell a woman to just be "sexier" is awfully hurtful, especially if she's tried all that and didn't get the response she wanted.

I've received several emails in the last two weeks from women whose husbands have not made love to them in years. Literally years. They have completely rejected their wives, and complain when their wives "bug" them for sex. This is a far bigger problem than what I'm talking about it here, and I'll try to deal with that in a separate post, likely on Thursday.

So let's look at the instances where being "sexier" really won't help, and then we'll see in what circumstances you can take steps to repair this side of your relationship.

Pornography

If your husband is using porn, and this is reducing his sex drive, you can't increase his drive towards you by doing much of anything until the porn use has stopped. In this post, a former porn user explains the steps to take to help your husband get off of porn. After he has stopped using porn, then you'll need to rebuild your sex life, by starting slowly and helping you both get reacquainted with real intimacy. Don't rush things, or he may turn to fantasy to "complete the deed".

Please don't assume that if you just compete with porn, you can help him quit and then get his attention back. The porn needs to be dealt with first before you build your sex life up again.

Physical Issues

Women can make love when they're not particularly "in the mood". We can decide to throw ourselves into it "for him", and frequently when we do that, our bodies follow and we do end up enjoying ourselves.

Men, on the other hand, can't make love without arousal. If your husband has libido problems, and can't get aroused because he has really low testosterone, or depression, or problems with circulation, then sex is just difficult. This isn't necessarily a reflection on you; it's just an acknowledgment that sometimes you need medical intervention.

Psychological Problems

A woman once confided in me that she had recently had her marriage annulled after eight years. She had married a man she thought was her best friend, only to find that he had no intention of ever having sex. She found out later that he had been sexually abused by his mother, and once married, almost regressed to a childish personality.

After eight years, she left him, and a few years later I heard that she had married and was pregnant with her first child.

If you have a husband who has deep psychological trauma, with deep psychosexual issues, your husband needs to see a counsellor (and you probably do as well).

It is not your fault if your husband is struggling in this area. And you can't cure him! He needs an intervention of the Holy Spirit in his life. So please, don't blame yourself. You are not wrong for wanting sex, no matter how much your husband may say that you're "bugging" him or that you're "sex-obsessed". God made you with a desire for intimacy and a desire for sex, and these are good things. Don't let your husband's problems make you ashamed of yourself.

So what can you do?

Understanding How Male Desire Works

Men tend to be very visually stimulated. When they think about sex, it doesn't usually take long for their bodies to be interested. And through sex, they feel affirmed as men. They feel desired and strong.

When something goes wrong to short circuit this desire, and it's not due to pornography or major psycho-sexual issues, it's usually because:

1. They're worried they won't be able to perform (because they haven't been able to in the past)

2. They're stressed and worried that they can't carry everything on their plate, or feel as if they're not doing a good job at home or at work, making them feel less like "real men". When a guy feels as if he isn't doing a good job or isn't capable, his sex drive often suffers because it's so wired in to how he feels as a man.

3. They're worried that you don't really want to.

By initiating sex and trying specifically to arouse him, you often can overcome some of these problems. But let me throw the caveat in again: this will only work if the problem is one of low-intensity relationship issues, stress at work, or lower than average testosterone. If the problem is more serious, then you need more serious help!

When low desire is caused by your husband feeling less of a man because he's stressed, and he has too much on his plate and he feels like he's not dealing with it well, then making him less stressed and showing him how appreciative you are of what he does do can go a long way. Thank him for what he does. Encourage him in what he does. De-stress yourself as much as possible so you can be there to help him and to carry more of the load. The worst times in my marriage have been when both of us are busy at the same time. My husband has recently cut back on work a bit so he can be home more while my book releases, just so he can pick up the stress. I did that for him a few years ago. A marriage can't survive both of you being worn thin, so if your husband is in a difficult place, do whatever you can to shed your own commitments.

Then initiate sex! Don't wait for him to. Be a little brazen. Start with a bath to relax him, or whatever it may take. By initiating you say, "I find you desirable. I want to make love to you. I appreciate you as a man." That can be very affirming for most men.

Some of you, though, have been initiating like crazy and nothing is happening. I understand that, and again, we'll talk more tomorrow about what to do when you're just not being accepted.

If the problem is one of erectile dysfunction or just very low desire, though, many men, even if they don't get aroused on their own, can become aroused with a little work. Let him look at you! Take off your clothes for him. Use your hands to arouse him. It may take longer than usual, but laugh through it, show him you don't mind, and that you're just happy to be together with him.

Sometimes men shut down after they've had several episodes of erectile dysfunction, and showing him that you just want to try, and don't care whether he's able to finish like that or not can take some pressure off. You could even ask him to help you orgasm in another way so that he still feels like he can bring you pleasure. Erectile dysfunction can often become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Relax about it and persevere, and things often get better (and if they don't, see a doctor! ED can be a sign of more serious health problems).

Many men on my survey announced that they had stopped initiating sex altogether because they had been turned down so often early in their marriage, and it had been humiliating. So they decided to stop altogether until their wives initiated. Often these wives, however, interpreted their husbands' lack of initiation to mean that the husband didn't want sex, when really he had shut down to protect his ego.

Last month we had several female commenters on this blog say something to this effect during our 29 Days:

I turned my husband down so often he stopped asking for it. Now I've realized I was wrong, and I do want to have a healthy sex life. But I don't know how to make it work again because he always seems to rebuff me.

In a situation like this, where there has been a relationship breach, you can't heal the problem simply by being sexy or trying to arouse him. You also need to work on trust and communication. So at the same time as you're trying to initiate more, also work on your friendship. Do things together just so you can talk and laugh. Most bedroom problems are actually better solved outside the bedroom!

Great Sex Challenge: If you decide that your husband's low libido is due more to stress, relationship issues, or low sex drive, then encourage your husband and show him affirmation as a man. Then initiate! Tell him you want to give him an amazing evening. Tell him you find him desirable. And if things don't go perfectly, laugh it off and relax together in another way.

What if you've tried all of these things and nothing's working? Tomorrow we'll look at how to talk to him about your needs.

Have you ever felt any of this rejection? Or have you tried to initiate and found that this helped? Let me know!

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Related posts:

Why Doesn't My Husband Want to Make Love?
Wifey Wednesday: 4 Reasons Why Your Husband Doesn't Want to Make Love
29 Days to Great Sex Day 14: When You Don't Want to Make Love

Why Doesn't My Husband Want to Make Love?

I've just finished 29 Days to Great Sex, leading to the release of my new book, The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex. And I was talking in that series a lot about how women can come to see sex in a new way, understanding the real joy and intimacy that it can bring, so that we can desire it more often.

When I was conducting the research for The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex, I asked women how often they made love, and who had the higher sex drive: she or her husband (along with other questions). Then I asked a bunch of guys the same thing. And while in the majority of cases the husband has the higher sex drive, in about 20-25% of marriages the woman does. So what do you do if you're a woman, and you're married to a guy who doesn't really seem that interested in sex?

For the next four days I want to talk about what to do when your husband really doesn't seem interested in sex. Maybe he has an abnormally low sex drive; or maybe it's some other relationship or psychological issue. We'll talk about how to understand what's going on better, and then give some strategies about how to deal with this.

First, I believe that God created both men and women with sex drives. We both should yearn to make love. However, in general, men's sex drives are more physically urgent. If their bodies doesn't get sexual release, their bodies will actually do it for them during the night periodically. And men are much more visually stimulated than women are. They are supposed to be aroused fairly easily, because it gives them an impetus to really pursue women.

Therefore, a man with a low sex drive should be a rare thing. It's a sign that something isn't going right. Now, it could honestly just be a variation in population. In any given population, some with have extremely high sex drives, and some will have extremely low sex drives. However, look at any bell curve and you'll see that these extremes are very tiny. They account for maybe 2%, not 20% or 25%. So there has to be something else going on.

What could those issues be?

1. He has transferred his desire elsewhere

The category that is rising the most right now are men who are not interested in sex within marriage because they're getting release elsewhere, especially with pornography.

A man who is using porn will slowly find that it consumes more and more of his life, and more and more of his sexual energy. Porn rewires your brain to tell you that what is arousing is a picture or an image, not a real, flesh and blood person. And you often need more and more porn and more extreme porn to give you the same high that you felt when you started using it.

When men use porn, in general they often masturbate as well. And so it becomes quite likely that eventually they will stop desiring their wives in the same way. That's why the idea that porn can be exciting in a marriage is so off base. Porn steals the natural desire you have for each other, so that you stop desiring each other. Sure, you may get aroused by the porn and then act it out with each other, but that's not really making love anymore. The source of the desire was the image, not the person, and you're still thinking about that image while you're with your spouse.

Now, it's not just men who use porn; about 25% of women in my surveys had sought porn out as well. But an overwhelming majority of men had sought out porn, and it is hurting many marriages.

If your husband has a really low interest in sex, and you can't figure out a reason for it, verify that he isn't watching porn. Check his computer and his phone, and have a talk with him about it. This post provides some help in figuring out how to start confronting that problem.

2. He doesn't feel like a man

A man's sex drive is all wrapped up in his concept of manhood. When he feels like a man, he'll want to make love. But if he doesn't feel like a man, he won't. And what does it take to not feel like a man? If he isn't sure of who he is, isn't sure of his purpose, and isn't sure of his role, he could easily have no sex drive.

For instance, I know a woman who is walking through this right now. She married her husband a little later in life when he was working part-time. He has never worked full-time. He tends to spend his life on the couch, not doing a whole lot. He has very low motivation for anything, and doesn't get excited about very much except video games. He isn't very involved with his children.

When you look at his life, you can see that he doesn't seem to have a "will" to do anything. And if you look back at his childhood, you'd see that he was rarely affirmed in anything. He was rarely told by his dad that he was doing a good job. And so he was never sure if any decisions he made, or any steps he took, were the right ones. So he simply stopped taking any. To anyone on the outside he just looks extremely lazy, but I do think there's more going on there. I think he fundamentally was scarred.

A man can have his masculinity scarred in other ways, too. The root to his scars lie in his family of origin; but even within a marriage he could not feel like a man. Please watch how you talk to your husband. I have heard so many women constantly pick at their husbands, constantly correct their husbands, and I don't even know if they realize they're doing it. Make sure that when something comes out of your mouth about your husband or to your husband that it is positive. Even if you're talking about resolving some conflict, do it in a positive way. Do not browbeat your husband.

Also, if you've had an affair in the past, or even if you were sexually active before marriage, your husband may feel that he can't measure up. And that can cause some men to stop being able to perform, because they're nervous. Finally, if you spent years in the marriage rejecting your husband's overtures, he can shut down. If you've now decided that you want to change and you want to make love again, he may have a very difficult time making that adjustment.

3. He has low testosterone

Another big category for those with low sex drive is an actual physical issue with the hormone that causes low sex drive. If he has low testosterone, he won't desire sex as much. But low testosterone can also be caused by other physical problems, like diabetes or even some pain and depression medication. The problem with this category is that because he doesn't feel the need for sex, he likely isn't upset about it, and so it can be difficult to get him to talk to a doctor about it.

Low testosterone can also be caused by addictions to alcohol, drugs, pain medication, or even gambling or video games. When something else replaces the high our brains get for sex, it can cause testosterone to shut down.

The good thing is that this category is the easiest to fix–if you can get him to talk to a doctor. We'll discuss in the next few days how to do that.

4. He's nervous about his performance

Finally, there's a category that's a combination of #2 and #3. Let's say that a man is nervous about the relationship and nervous about whether or not you really love him. One night you make love, and he can't keep his erection. A week later it happens again. He was already feeling nervous; he was already feeling slightly humiliated within the relationship. Then erectile dysfunction hits, or perhaps premature ejaculation, and it becomes too much to bear, and he shuts down.

Or perhaps it wasn't the relationship that was causing him to question his manhood; maybe it was his ability to earn a living. When a guy is unemployed, or feels like he can't support the family, he already feels like he's not a man. If he then can't make love, it can become a vicious spiral, where he's afraid of trying again because he doesn't want to fail, so he just shuts off.

I've received many emails from women lately whose husbands fall into one of these categories (or else into almost all of them!). And these women feel humiliated. They feel as if they must be freaks, because everywhere else in our media it says that men are desperate for sex. Why don't their husbands want them?

The message that I want you to take from this is that it likely has little to do with you. It's often an issue within him, or within how he experiences the relationship, far more than it has to do with whether or not you are desirable.

We'll look tomorrow at how to start tackling some of these things. But know that you are not alone, and know that it is becoming a problem that is increasingly more common. Hang in there!

If you're in this situation, what specifically would you like to know? And do these categories resonate with you?



Don't forget about my publisher Zondervan's contest, where you could win $1000 towards a first–or second–honeymoon by completing a fun, quick quiz! Details here.

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Related posts:

Wifey Wednesday: 4 Reasons Why Your Husband Doesn't Want to Make Love
29 Days to Great Sex Day 14: When You Don't Want to Make Love
29 Days to Great Sex Day 27: Experiencing Spiritual Intimacy While You Make Love

A Contest, A Video, and a Round-Up!

Hi everybody! I hope you're enjoying a wonderful weekend. I'm away with a group of teenagers at a Bible quizzing tournament (not nearly as geeky as it sounds), so as you're reading this, I've probably already got a migraine. But at least I'll be smiling!

So here is your quick weekend round-up, complete with some fun stuff:

1. Have you Entered the Contest Yet?

Zondervan, my publisher, has two contests running simultaneously, one for Americans and one for Canadians. In each, you could win $1000 travel voucher (or a $500 voucher for second prize) to use towards a first–or second–honeymoon! Americans enter at my Facebook Page, and Canadians, just look left:

And click that red "Trivia" button!

For those of you who aren't American or Canadian, we'd love to include you, but every country has different rules about contests, so it just gets legally prohibitive. But I'll try to keep writing great stuff that helps you, anyway!

2. A New Video is Out

Zondervan's been making up some little "bad advice" videos to go along with my book. The first one debuted last weekend, in the article with kids in the bed. Here's this weekend's, which kind of goes along with yesterday's post, Why Frumpy Makes us Grumpy:

3. Interviews, Interviews, Interviews!

If you just love hearing my actual voice (and who wouldn't, except my kids when I'm trying to get them to clean up), you can listen in on some quick interviews I've done lately!

Here's me talking on the Stupendous Marriage show. You can also download it for iTunes to listen later here.

And then I did a rather fast-paced and funny interview on the Drew Marshall Show a while back, which you can access here.

4. Rock It. Work It. Love It. Fridays

I'm the "love it" at Peak313 in yesterday's post! Such kind words from Clare. Check it out.

5. A Big Thank You!

And a huge thank you for all of you who bought my book during my one-day blitz on February 29. Here's what happened on Amazon:

I hit #344 in all books that day (which means that only 343 titles out of Amazon's 8,000,000 sold better than me!)

And here's what happened on Amazon.ca:

I hit #29!

Still 30% off at Amazon until it's released March 6!

I just want to say that I'm really humbled that so many of you bought the book–and that so many bought multiple copies for people who are about to get married. I'm just really encouraged by your emails and your comments, and by the fact that what I write resonates with you. Sometimes I write this stuff and then I get a panicky feeling like, "what if other women don't actually think like that? What if I sound like an idiot?" And so it's such a relief to know that I am not alone.

And again, I'm very humbled that so many of you chose to buy the book. If you haven't bought it yet, of course, it's not too late! And it's still 30% off until March 6.

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend! I'm starting my series on why men don't want sex on Monday, and I hope you'll join me. And there will be lots of information there even for those of you whose husbands ARE in the mood!

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Related posts:

The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex Getaway Contest
Video: Whatever You Focus On Expands…
Video: My Perfect Christmas Tree

Why Frumpy Makes You Grumpy

I've been super busy lately. I've been writing one blog post a day for an entire month, plus organizing some awesome contests (if you're American, join my Facebook Page for a chance to win $1000 travel voucher, or if you're Canadian, enter here! See that big red TRIVIA thing on the side to the left? The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex, and responded to over 300 emails that day! And today I'm leaving today to take 15 youth from our church away for a quizzing tournament.

And so I've been kinda frumpy lately.

I usually try to take care in my appearance. I put lipstick and mascara on because I feel prettier. I try to wear something attractive. But I haven't been ironing lately or washing any delicates (I put a lot of stuff in delicates that probably doesn't need to go there), so my wardrobe lately has been T-shirts and jeans. And when I feel frumpy, I get grumpy.

I think it's because that's not how I want to feel about myself. Those of you who worked through my 29 Days of Great Sex series from February will remember this, but one of the first things I told you to do (I think it was Day 3) was to name 5 things you LIKE about your body. We're so used to naming things we hate and fixating on the things that we'd change that we forget what we really like. And of all the challenges–from playing to foreplay to orgasm to just talking and praying–that was the one that I had the highest number of people saying, "I just can't do this. I can't find 5 things."

Ladies, that's a problem. When we don't like our appearances or care for our appearances, we stop taking pride in ourselves. And then we don't feel like wives. We feel like moms and maids. That sets a bad precedent for ourselves, but also for our relationship with our husbands.

I remember in university I used to put on makeup everyday. I'd curl my hair (especially my bangs; remember those days?). I rarely wore jeans.

Then came the babies and I lost my curling iron. I got a bob hairstyle that required no work. And I started dressing kind of boxy. The holes in my ears grew over because my girls would pull at my earrings. And I stopped wearing necklaces because they'd pull those, too, and break them. So I felt frumpy.

A few years ago a friend of mine, who tended to be rather dowdy, had an emergency and I had to head to her house to look after her kids while she headed to the hospital. When I arrived at her house, I did what I always do when I'm at someone's house for the first time. I check out the pictures (I'm just nosy that way). And I couldn't believe how stunning she was! All of these pictures on the wall and she looked like  a model. She sure didn't look like that in real life.

And then I realized that this is because when we get those family pictures taken, we don't want to remember how we looked on a daily basis. We want to remember how we WANTED to look on a daily basis. We dress up and do our hair and makeup, even if we never would in a million years normally. So we look our best in the posed family portraits.

I am now going to show you a posed family portrait from about 1999. Remember, this was the BEST I looked. This was top notch. And here I am (hey, I even found a necklace!):

Now here I am recently:

I look better at over 40 than I did under 30!

I know a large part is that I no longer have babies. When you're exhausted it's hard. But it's also because one day I woke up and said: I don't want to be frumpy anymore. It wasn't just about my husband; it was about me. I wanted to feel better for me. I don't think it was a vanity thing; I just wanted to feel like I was appropriately valuing myself and taking pride in myself. And when I never cared what I put on, I gave the impression that I didn't care about much of anything. And that's how I started to feel. I became a completely different person. And I didn't know who I was anymore.

I had once cared about myself, but I had let motherhood take that away from me. Now I didn't have the big struggle that many have with their weight; I've always been on the small side, for which I am eternally grateful. But I don't think this is a size issue. I think it's a how-I-feel-about-myself issue. And feeling frumpy is no fun.

We don't have to be frumpy, even if we're big, or even if we have kids, or even if we're busy. As my daughter says, it takes no more effort to put on a pair of jeans that looks good on you than it does to put on a pair of mom jeans. It takes no more effort to put on a nice, fitted shirt than it does to put on a baggy T-shirt. Same amount of time. But you feel totally different about yourself.

Makeup takes effort, I'll grant you. But I can go from no makeup to full makeup when I'm speaking for an audience in under five minutes. I can blow dry my hair in under five minutes. I never, ever take more than 25 minutes to shower, get dressed, and do my hair and makeup (that's how long it took to get ready for picture #2). Sometimes I think we complain that it takes too much time, when it's really that we don't know where to start. But you don't have to put on full make up everyday, either. Just a bit of lipstick can make someone feel so much more attractive.

Flylady, for any of you who follow her, always says, "put on your shoes!" even if you stay home, because then you give yourself the impression that you are working. You are not a slob. You have a purpose. And when you feel like you have a purpose, you tend to act that way. And so let me add to the "put on your shoes" two more things: "put on a fitted shirt, and put on some lipstick!". It doesn't need to take much. But it makes you feel more feminine.

It also shows our husbands that we respect them. You don't have to be drop dead gorgeous; few women are. But when you take pride in how you look, it's like you're saying to your husband: "I want to look my best for you. I want you to be happy to have me on your arm." And it shouldn't be about looking better than anyone else; it's just about making the effort because you care about him. After all, you're the only woman he's allowed to stare at!

Just because you're a mom doesn't mean you have to give up being a woman.And I think that if we took just a little bit of time, we'd feel so much more invigorated, energetic, and feminine. It's not a vanity issue; it's an issue of respect for who you are and for who God made you to be. You are a woman. You are a wife. Those are both good things. Don't put them on hold because you're a mom, or a busy work woman.

I have a friend who is overweight, and she's felt badly about her appearance for years. She's tended to dress all in black to try to hide it. But lately she's been going to the gym. She dyed her hair. And she's started wearing colours. And not just that; she's getting out of the house more. She feels better about herself. It's a mental change, too.

What do you think? Do you feel frumpy? Do you fight the frump? Or do you think it doesn't matter?

By the way, on Fridays my column usually appears on this blog, but I'm in the middle of a whole series on marriage. I think I'll post this week's column this weekend!

And don't forget to check out my Facebook Page for a chance to win $1000 in a travel voucher.

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The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex Getaway Contest

Hello, everybody! Hope you're all recovered from our 29 Days to Great Sex–and hope you all keep it up! If you missed out on all the fun, you can go back to day 1 right here.

One of the themes that kept coming up during the month is how real life can so often get in the way of sex. We're tired. The kids are always hanging on us. We work separate shifts. He's never home. Life is so busy.

That's why sometimes it's important just to get away and connect together.

Still 30% off at Amazon until it's released March 6!

Zondervan, the publisher for my Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex, wants to give you the opportunity to do just that! They've arranged a contest where you could win either $1000 Visa card or $500 Visa card that you can use towards a first–or second–honeymoon (or whatever you want, but I'd really suggest you use it to build your marriage!). All you have to do is head on over to my Facebook Page, click the TRIVIA button on the left side, and then do the little quiz! (don't worry, it's fun, and nobody will see your answers) and then you're qualified to win. They'll be drawing the winner March 23. So head on over and "Like" my page so you can enter. And then please spread the word by clicking the Facebook, Twitter, or Pinterest buttons below.

So head on over to Facebook to play! (and look under the "Trivia" button!)

I'm praying that the two couples who win will really benefit from some time to concentrate on each other.

UPDATE: Hello everybody! So apparently that contest was set up so that it was only open to Americans. It wasn't Zondervan's choice; it's just a legal thing since the two countries have different rules about contests. Canadians need a skill testing question, and other jurisdictions demand other things. So Zondervan has decided to offer TWO contests, run parallel, one for Canadians and one for Americans (I'm sorry for those of you who aren't either, but there are so many rules for contests it's hard to accommodate all countries!). The American one is through my Facebook page, as noted above. The link for the Canadian one will be here, on this blog, tomorrow morning. (They still need to just figure out the different legal language for the rules, because every jurisdiction wants different stuff).

Anyway, it works out better for both Canadians and Americans because it means there are two sets of prizes: one for Americans and one for Canadians. So we all have a greater chance of winning! (well, "we" in the royal sense since I'm not eligible ). The contest is open until March 23, so spread the word! And if you're American, you can take it now.

So here's my question for you today: how do you find time to carve out for each other in your busy schedules? Tell me about a time when you were just at your wit's end, and you turned it around by taking a mini-vacation–even if it was just eating pizza together after the kids were in bed and then snuggling for a while.

When our kids were small we didn't get away overnight very often. I nursed them, and life was just so busy. My husband was also completing his residency program in pediatrics, and he worked upwards of 120 hours a week. So we just didn't get a lot of couple time.

One thing we always did when the kids were little, though, was to take walks. We lived in downtown Toronto at the time, and nobody drives in Toronto. There's no parking and it's too big. So whether we were heading to buy groceries or heading to church, we'd walk. We'd stick the girls in strollers or carriers and we'd set off (I was in great shape in those days).

But there was something about getting outside that made everything feel better. And I've always had an easier time talking side by side, when you're doing something, then face to face (or even on the phone). The girls always seemed quieter on walks, too, so we'd find it easier to talk than when we were at home and always running after them. In those days, walking was our lifeline.

Twelve years later we still walk a lot when we want to talk. Most of our really deep discussions about plans for the future, or discipline with the kids, or anything have taken place when we were walking.

Over the years we've gotten away by ourselves, too, and that's been marvellous. I remember the first time we left the girls overnight so we could take an evening to ourselves. But in those early days, walking helped keep us close together.

What helps you? Let me know in the comments! And best wishes for the contest!

And here's a sneak preview of what's coming next week: What to do when your husband isn't interested in sex, and sex and pregnancy, sex and breastfeeding, and sex when you have toddlers! I'm also in the middle of drafting some posts on recovering from infidelity. So stay tuned! Lots more in depth stuff coming.

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29 Days to Great Sex Day 29: Party for Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex!

It's our grand finale for the 29 Days to Great Sex, and I'm going to throw a little party today! I hope it's been a great series for all of you, and that you've had time to reconnect and communicate as a couple. I've had a great time writing it (and my husband really appreciated the post on how to spice things up ). And it's been wonderful to meet so many new readers, especially all of you who found me through Pinterest.

My prayer for this series was that I could help both men and women get a new and exciting view of sex–one that sees it not just as physical release, but as a beautiful, exciting part of a marriage that connects you spiritually, emotionally, and physically. Why would people choose to live without passion?

Many of you in the comments have said that your sex life had been virtually non-existent, but you're starting to rebuild. That's so exciting! Others of you have had your first orgasms. And still others have even conceived babies! So it's been a great month.

But some of you are still struggling. You wanted to do the challenges, but your spouse just didn't stick with it. I'm sorry about that. Unfortunately, there is no magic thing that you can do to make your spouse want to be intimate in this way. All you can do is what you were called to do: love your spouse. Even when it's difficult. And know that God never asks us to do something that He doesn't also give us the strength to do.

Some of you still have a lot of work to do, and you're wondering where to go now. Well, I had over 1,000 posts on this blog before I started the series, and if you just joined me during the series, rest assured that I likely have 1000 more. I'm not going anywhere! So here's what's coming on To Love, Honor and Vacuum in the very near future:

1. Tomorrow is our contest launch–where you could win money towards a first–or second–honeymoon! Come back for the details.

2. Next week I'll be hosting a live Facebook Q&A where you can ask me any question you want, and I'll try to answer it. I'll have a place where you can submit questions anonymously.

3. We have our mini-series coming on what to do when your husband isn't interested in sex! Many women asked, and I'll deliver.

4. I've had a ton of questions come through my email that I want to deal with, everything from finding a balance between mom & wife to how to have sex when you're pregnant or how to find your libido when you're breastfeeding.

5. My column will be back! I write a syndicated column every Thursday, but I haven't been posting them this month because of the sex series.

6. And I'm still here to answer more questions! If you have a post topic you want to see, just send it my way.

But before we do all that, today I want to have a bit of a party! And what's a party without gifts?

Still 30% off at Amazon until it's released March 6!

So first, here's something you can do for me. If you have enjoyed this series, would you help me by buying The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex? It's filled with information just like in the series, but it takes things deeper onto the threefold nature of sex–physical, spiritual, and emotional–and looks at how we can make sex stupendous in each of those areas. It also covers what to do when things aren't working in those areas. And I share a lot of personal stories that I haven't shared on this blog.

If you've had issues with sex in your marriage, this book can help you see it in a new way. But would you also consider purchasing one for someone who is about to marry–or who has recently walked down the aisle? I firmly believe that if more women received good information early in their marriages, we wouldn't have all the problems in families that so permeate our churches today.

World Magazine called me "a funny big sister" when they read my book, which I kinda like. FamilyLife Canada's executive director called me "The Christian Dr. Ruth", which mortified my kids (and I love anything that mortifies my kids). I know you'll like the book!

And here's what I'd like to do for you! If you buy it today, I'm going to throw a bunch of gifts your way, too! I have a goodie bag of downloadable gifts I'd like to give you, including:

" A Godly Home " 5-week couples' devotional by PromiseKeepers , filled with devotions you can read with your spouse at night from Bill and Pam Farrel (authors of Red Hot Monogamy and Men are Life Waffles, Women are Like Spaghetti), Sheila Wray Gregoire (me!) and more. A great way to work on your spiritual connection!
Love coupons to spice up your marriage!
"A Surrendered Marriage " workbook by Leigh Anne Dutton from Intentional by Grace . Great conversation starters to work on communication and vision in your marriage!
"The Praying Parent" devotionals by writer Carey Scott –inspires you to pray effectively for your kids. Carey also operates Christian Work at Home Moms community, and Moms Together on Facebook!
Printable Lunch Box Notes to put in your child's lunchbox–from mom extraordinaire Amy Bayliss, author of Pursuit of Proverbs 31 , an entirely new way of looking at the chapter–without the mountains of guilt!
Make Date Night Fabulous –an e-report by Amy Bayliss on how to keep romance alive.
Step Away from that Diet ebook by Sundi Jo Graham , Ten Steps to Lose that Weight and Gain the Confidence You've been Searching For
How to Bless Your Children –an e-report by me, Sheila Wray Gregoire, on how to "call out" God's purpose in their lives.
Which birth control method is best? A video presentation by The Christian Family Planning Network.
How to Have Really Great Sex TONIGHT Even if You're NEVER in the Mood, a report from Gina Parris from Winning at Romance.

So will you buy it today? All you have to do to claim your gifts is toemail me (sheila at

sheila wray gregoire period com) and just forward me a copy of your receipt, or a picture of it on your Nook or Kindle, or just something to show that you've bought it.

And if you've already pre-ordered it, I'd love to thank you with the gifts, too! So just forward me your receipt, and I'll send you the links to the gifts, as well.

Here's one more thing you could do for me (and for the others reading this blog): share in the comments something that you've discovered this month, or that you've found encouraging, or a breakthrough you've had. Many people reading this blog really are struggling, and if you've been there, but now you can see hope, tell us! It makes people feel so much better to hear that healing and passion and fun are all possible! (and it encourages me, too). And if you're the one who needs a hug, or a gift of encouragement, share that in the comments, too. Tell us how we can pray for you, or ask a question, and then all of us here will try to help. So let's have a party of encouragement in the comments!

And now, here's your last challenge:

Great Sex Challenge 29: It's time to evaluate. Talk together about the challenges, and think of one that you couldn't–or wouldn't–do. Resolve to make an attempt within the next two weeks! And now share with each other what the perfect night would look like to each of you–where you would feel connected on all three levels. It's okay (and perfectly normal) for your "perfect nights" to not resemble each others'. But make a commitment to give each other that night, in the next two weeks, as a gift.

If you enjoyed this series, I'll be publishing a longer version of it, especially for couples (and not just women) as The 31 Days to Great Sex (wow! You get two extra days! ). If you'd like to be kept informed of when this will be available, sign up here.

And I'll see you back here tomorrow for our contest launch!

29 Days to Great Sex:

Day 1: The Act of Marriage

Day 2: Starting Fresh

Day 3: Loving the Skin You're In

Day 4: Pucker Up!

Day 5: Reawaken Desire

Day 6: Why Your Hubby Wants You!

Day 7: Moving in the Right Direction

Day 8: 14 Ways to Play as a Couple

Day 9: Prepare for Sex throughout the Day

Day 10:16 Ways to Flirt with Your Husband

Day 11: How to Find Your Hubby Attractive

Day 12: If you're Having a Hard Time with these Challenges

Day 13: Getting Your Head in the Game

Day 14: What if You're Not "In the Mood"?

Day 15: What is Foreplay?

Day 16: How to Orgasm

Day 17: The Pleasure Center

Day 18: Foreplay Can Be for Him, Too!

Day 19: How to Come Alive Again

Day 20: Deciding on Boundaries

Day 21: 5 Ways to Spice Things Up

Day 22: How Often is Enough?

Day 23: Quickies Are Great!

Day 24: Initiate, Baby!

Day 25: Sex Once Kids Come

Day 26: Rebuilding Your Sex Life

Day 27: Experiencing Spiritual Intimacy when you Make Love

Day 28: Is Selfishness Robbing You of Intimacy?

Please share about my party on Pinterest, Facebook, or Twitter below, so that others can buy the book on the day when they get all the prizes!

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29 Days to Great Sex Day 28: Is Selfishness Undermining Intimacy?

We're winding up our 29 Days of Great Sex! It's been a great romp, so to speak, and tomorrow's our big finale! Make sure you join the fun.

Throughout the month we've been looking at how to make sex great physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Yesterday we were looking at how to experience true spiritual intimacy while making love: that deep knowing, that mutual experience, and that bonding. Most of our posts this month have been on that vein: ways to see sex more positively, to make it more fun, and to create greater intimacy.

But I can't do the series justice if I don't also have a post giving a warning. And there is one particular attitude that will make true intimacy virtually impossible to experience, and that's selfishness. Two kinds of selfishness predominate in the sexual realm to rob sex of its spiritual intimacy: withholding sex and demanding unreasonable things.

Please, if you're reading this with your spouse, read with an open mind and honestly ask yourself, "am I in one of these categories"? Often we don't think we are. We think our spouse is to blame if we're having problems in the bedroom. But don't look at your spouse; truly look at your own attitude and ask yourself, am I being truly loving and giving with sex?

1. Withholding Sex

Many spouses are just heartbroken and at their wits' end because they are married to people who think sex is a chore, and it is somehow wrong or dirty to desire it very much.

I've received so many emails this month from spouses of both genders who truly want a great sex life, but their spouse rarely consents to making love, and when they do, it often is with a "let's get this over with" attitude. Or else they tell their spouse to go "take care of it yourself."

Are you like that? Is sex a chore? Do you wish your spouse would just leave you alone?

Now, if you have a genuine problem, like sex is uncomfortable because you're too tight, or you're still getting over past sexual trauma, obviously sex is going to be difficult. And as long as you are actively working towards healing, I don't think most spouses would be upset. But if you are saying, "this is the way I'll always be, and he or she should just get used to it", then you're not being fair.

It is not God's will for you that you have a rotten sex life. God created you to have a vibrant, intimate, passionate, sex life. If you do not have that in your marriage, then ask yourself, "what can I do to create one?", because robbing your spouse of that kind of intimacy is not fair.

Maybe you have low testosterone, and you have an abnormally low sex drive (both men and women can suffer from this). That's okay. Just get your testosterone levels checked. Maybe you have some sexual issues, like erectile dysfunction. That's okay, too. Just get it looked at. It is not fair to your spouse to ignore a problem when that problem is robbing you both of intimacy.

And that's really what I want you to understand. You are not just robbing your spouse of sex–though you are doing that. You are not just robbing your spouse of sexual release–though you are doing that, too. You are first and foremost robbing your spouse of that true spiritual intimacy that sex was designed to forge between you. You are robbing your spouse of that connection, and that's something that is such a deep need for all of us. And you are robbing yourself of that, too.

So stop seeing it in terms of simple sexual release, and start seeing it in terms of intimacy. Are you doing everything you can to experience real intimacy in your marriage? If you aren't, then perhaps you need to commit more to embracing all that God designed sex to be, and to figuring out how it can actually be  wonderful in your marriage.

2. Demanding Unreasonable Things

The other group that is diminishing spiritual intimacy are those who see sex mostly in terms of how they can get the most sexual release.

Sex is supposed to be a mutual, shared experience. That's what part of the spiritual connection is. That doesn't mean that you never do anything "just for him" or that he never does something "just for her"; those can all be part of play. But these things should never take over, or eclipse, vaginal intercouse, or else you lose that spiritual intimacy because it is not a mutual experience.

I've received a ton of emails this month, and one of the more common themes is along the lines of "my husband would prefer that I just help him to climax another way". That really is quite selfish. One of the reasons that people prefer other kind of release is because they can concentrate on their own pleasure and don't have to think of anyone else at all. But then you're not "getting lost" in another person. You're not "connecting"; you're just using. And it's not right.

Like I said, there's nothing wrong with play every now and then; but that play should be part of a healthy relationship where you're both also experiencing pleasure through intercourse. If the play is taking over, then sex isn't mutual; it's almost like you're having parallel experiences.

If there are health reasons, of course, where this must be the case, that's an entirely different story, and you can both make an effort to involve the other person by telling them that you love them, by trying to pleasure them at the same time, or whatever. But in general these emails are coming from two healthy people, where one just prefers a shortcut rather than intercourse. That needs to stop.

If you are insisting that your spouse bring you to sexual release without vaginal intercourse on a regular basis, then you are not looking for spiritual intimacy through sex. You are seeing sex solely through the physical prism, and you are diminishing what sex is supposed to be. Again, there's nothing wrong with occasional play, but the focus should always be on a shared experience. If you are insisting on things which bring your spouse no real pleasure, then you are being selfish.

Similarly, though we have freedom in bed to do many things, that does not mean that couples MUST do those things. Changing positions is great. Really becoming intimate with all of your spouse's body is wonderful. Insisting on *n*l sex is a horrible violation of marriage. (sorry about the asterisks, but I'm trying to get around the search engine labelling me as something that I'm not). I'm not saying that it's necessarily sinful, since I personally don't believe the Bible addresses it in marriage. But it is painful. It does have medical repercussions. And it is not pleasurable to the woman.

Why in the world would anyone risk losing the beautiful intimacy that can come from sex by insisting that his wife give him this–and being bitter and disappointed when he doesn't get it?

Do you want intimacy, or do you want sex to be solely about the physical? If your spouse is making love frequently and with passion, be grateful. Don't fixate on certain sexual acts, and how you would prefer them. If you do that, you're making sex into something which is not mutual, but which is instead about self-gratification. That is totally the opposite of what God designed sex to be.

Let me end on this: God made sex to connect us spiritually, emotionally, and physically. When I conducted the research for The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex, I found (as other surveys have found before me) that Christians are the most likely to really enjoy sex, and it's because we experience this threefold intimacy. It isn't just about the physical, the way it is in our culture, because we have the commitment and the relationship, too. And we understand that it's a beautiful gift from God. When all three go together, sex is stupendous.

Do you want stupendous sex, or do you want pornographic sex? God is calling us to make sex holy–and that means that sex will be passionate, and beautiful, and exciting, because God is passionate, and beautiful, and exciting. Are you going to embrace that, or are you going to be selfish? If you do the latter, you virtually guarantee that you will never experience the true intensity of beautiful sex.

Great Sex Challenge 27: If you believe that you might fall into one of these categories–either withholding or demanding–please pray about it. Talk to your spouse about it. Apologize to your spouse. And share with them your dream of achieving a truly intimate and exciting sex life.

Come on back for our wrap-up, our grand finale, and an exciting offer and announcement I have for you!

Still 30% off at Amazon until it's released March 6!

29 Days to Great Sex:

Day 1: The Act of Marriage

Day 2: Starting Fresh

Day 3: Loving the Skin You're In

Day 4: Pucker Up!

Day 5: Reawaken Desire

Day 6: Why Your Hubby Wants You!

Day 7: Moving in the Right Direction

Day 8: 14 Ways to Play as a Couple

Day 9: Prepare for Sex throughout the Day

Day 10:16 Ways to Flirt with Your Husband

Day 11: How to Find Your Hubby Attractive

Day 12: If you're Having a Hard Time with these Challenges

Day 13: Getting Your Head in the Game

Day 14: What if You're Not "In the Mood"?

Day 15: What is Foreplay?

Day 16: How to Orgasm

Day 17: The Pleasure Center

Day 18: Foreplay Can Be for Him, Too!

Day 19: How to Come Alive Again

Day 20: Deciding on Boundaries

Day 21: 5 Ways to Spice Things Up

Day 22: How Often is Enough?

Day 23: Quickies Are Great!

Day 24: Initiate, Baby!

Day 25: Sex Once Kids Come

Day 26: Rebuilding Your Sex Life

Day 27: Experiencing Spiritual Intimacy when you Make Love

If you've enjoyed this series, please share on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest or Tumblr below! Thank you!

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29 Days to Great Sex Day 27: Experiencing Spiritual Intimacy While You Make Love
29 Days to Great Sex Day 26: Rebuilding Your Sex Life
29 Days to Great Sex Day 24: Initiate, Baby!

29 Days to Great Sex Day 27: Experiencing Spiritual Intimacy While You Make Love

We're in the final few days of our 29 Days to Great Sex, which means we're just a few days away from our awesome contest where you could win a first–or second–honeymoon! And my book, The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex, is available right now for the Nook, and tomorrow through Amazon for the Kindle. The print version ships on March 6, and it's 30% off until then!

We've been leading up in this series to today's post, which in many ways I think is the most important of the series. Let's learn how sex is supposed to be a true spiritual union. Let me explain.

If you grew up in the church, chances are you grew up with the King James Version. And do you remember hearing Genesis read out loud?

And Adam knew his wife Eve, and they conceived unto them a son…

And we'd sit there and giggle and elbow our friends, because we thought it was so funny. Instead of saying a word that meant "sex", the Bible said "knew". Because obviously God was embarrassed.

But hold on a second. What if there was something else going on?

You see, in Psalm 139, David says, "search me and know me". In fact, that theme, begging God to dig deep inside our hearts and really "know" us, is throughout Scripture. And the same Hebrew word is used to represent our deep longing for a union with God and the sexual union between a husband and a wife.

What if there's actually a connection? What if sex isn't just supposed to be a physical union, but is supposed to also encompass this deep longing to be known, the way that David yearns for God?

I think that's actually part of God's plan for sex. Think about it: in sex we bare ourselves physically. But for sex to really work well, we also have to bare ourselves emotionally. We have to be able to be vulnerable. We have be willing to "let go". We have to emotionally let him in for us to even get aroused. And men have to let their guard down, too, in order to experience the kind of love they long for.

God created people with first and foremost a desperate longing for relationship. We long to know and be known, and in that knowing to be accepted. It's our deepest need. God gave us this drive to know Him and be known by Him, but He also gave us these sexual longings which mirror how we long to be truly united with our husbands and with God–to be truly and wonderfully KNOWN.

I talk about this at great length in The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex, and look at how we can make this spiritual longing and spiritual intimacy part of the sexual experience, because I truly believe that it's the spiritual intimacy that people actually crave the most. When we focus only on the physical, sex too often can seem shallow. When we combine the physical with the emotional and the spiritual, sex is stupendous, because it encompasses all that we are. One of the reasons that our culture has become more pornographic–and why things that were once considered sexually taboo are now pretty much mainstream–is that our culture has made sex into something only physical because they don't have anything else. And yet they know they're missing something, so they try more and more extreme things.

We, who are married, have the real deal. We have the ingredients for an amazing sexual relationship, because it's real intimacy, not just orgasm. (And, by the way, that makes orgasm even greater!). In fact, the women who were the most likely to orgasm in the surveys I took were Christian women. When you're in a lifetime committed relationship, you're more likely to experience all the great aspects of sex–and not just the physical.

That spiritual union that is part of sex isn't something out of the Kama Sutra or some eastern thing. That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about that deep hunger to connect that is part of sex–not just a desire for orgasm, but a desire to be joined. And to me, that's actually more profound, and more of an aphrodisiac, than the thought of something specifically physical.

But how, practically, can we experience "spiritual intimacy" while making love? Here are some thoughts:

1. Take time being naked.

I don't just mean taking your clothes off to make love. I mean actually be naked together. Hold each other. Take a bath together. Even pray naked together! Redo that exercise where you just take time touching each others' bodies. Really feel as if you completely know the other person. It's actually more vulnerable to be naked while someone touches you than just to be naked while you "have sex". And so take that time to explore!

2. Take time to be spiritually naked.

This may sound weird, but trust me on it: pray before sex. Or at least read a Psalm or something! When we unite together spiritually first, it's as if our souls are drawn together. And when our souls are drawn together, we want to draw together in a deeper way. So keep a Bible by the bed and just read passages at nighttime together. Try to pray together. If you're uncomfortable with freeform prayer, buy a book of prayers, or use the Anglican prayer book. The words don't matter; the heart does. When you mean it, and you bow before God together, you really are drawn towards each other in a much more intense way.

3. Look into each others' eyes

The eyes are windows, and yet how often do we close our eyes, as if we're trying to shut the other person out, and concentrate on ourselves? I know sometimes you have to close your eyes to feel everything, but sometimes open up and look into his eyes. To actually see him–and to let him see into you–is very intimate, especially at the height of passion.

4. Say "I love you"

It's such a little thing, but while you're making love–or even when you orgasm, say "I love you". Make sex about not just feeling good, but expressing love. Say his name. Show him that you're thinking of him in particular.

5. Be Mentally Present

This is a tough one for some people, but don't let your mind wander. Sometimes our minds wander because we're multi-taskers, and we start creating shopping lists in our heads. But I'm not just talking about that. Other times we let our minds wander in order to get aroused. We fantasize.

Personally, I don't think there's anything wrong with remembering something wonderful that you did together that was stupendous, or imaging being on a beach, or whatever it may be for you. But to fantasize about someone who isn't your husband, or to bring up pornographic images to get aroused, isn't right. And it hinders your ability to really bond with your spouse. If you're having trouble with that, my book can help! And here's a post that offers a little bit of insight into how to stop doing that.

Guys often struggle with this, too, especially guys who have used porn. Images often come into their heads. If either of  you is short-cutting the arousal cycle by pulling up pornographic images, ask God to help you stop, and then practice just being present. Think about your body. Think about your spouse. Trace your fingers along your spouse's body. Think specifically about what is feeling good and what you love about your spouse, and say some of these things out loud. Keep your mind focused on the here and now, and you'll find it a much more intimate, and intense, experience.

6. Desire Your Spouse

Spiritual intimacy during sex ultimately depends on that desire to be united with your spouse. And that desire is fed throughout the day–by concentrating on what you love about him, by thinking about him, by flirting and playing with him, by saying positive things about him to others. It isn't something that "just happens". It's something that is the culmination of a relationship that you already have.

I truly believe that for many couples this is THE major roadblock to sex being everything it can be. Tomorrow we'll be dissecting some of the problems with spiritual intimacy and sex a little more, but I think many people have bought into this idea that sex is only physical, when really sex is the physical expression of a deep drive we have to be connected to one another.

I received a comment on yesterday's post from a woman who said this:

I always thought "Oh sex is just something that HE needs, I can do fine without it". So not true. I need it too! We have connected in amazing ways, in and out of the bedroom and I am so excited to have my old husband back!

For you women who are reading this, sex ISN'T something that he needs just for physical release; it's that he needs to feel really intimate. And we need that, too! Many of us push sex out of the way because it seems like a chore, but what we're really doing, then, is denying ourselves one of the most powerful tools we have to feel truly connected and accepted by another individual.

If sex makes you feel dirty, or is a constant source of conflict, then wait until tomorrow's post. But if it's simply that you've never experienced sex this way, then try those steps. Concentrate on what you love about each other. Pray together. Memorize each others' bodies. Say I love you. Look into each others' eyes. Truly be joined. There really is nothing else like it.

Great Sex Challenge Day 27: Make love, don't just have sex. Tonight, while you're together, do your best to show your spouse how much you love them. Be passionate about it! And see what happens.

Still 30% off at Amazon until it's released March 6!

29 Days to Great Sex:

Day 1: The Act of Marriage

Day 2: Starting Fresh

Day 3: Loving the Skin You're In

Day 4: Pucker Up!

Day 5: Reawaken Desire

Day 6: Why Your Hubby Wants You!

Day 7: Moving in the Right Direction

Day 8: 14 Ways to Play as a Couple

Day 9: Prepare for Sex throughout the Day

Day 10:16 Ways to Flirt with Your Husband

Day 11: How to Find Your Hubby Attractive

Day 12: If you're Having a Hard Time with these Challenges

Day 13: Getting Your Head in the Game

Day 14: What if You're Not "In the Mood"?

Day 15: What is Foreplay?

Day 16: How to Orgasm

Day 17: The Pleasure Center

Day 18: Foreplay Can Be for Him, Too!

Day 19: How to Come Alive Again

Day 20: Deciding on Boundaries

Day 21: 5 Ways to Spice Things Up

Day 22: How Often is Enough?

Day 23: Quickies Are Great!

Day 24: Initiate, Baby!

Day 25: Sex Once Kids Come

This is an important post that many people need to understand! Can you help by sharing on Facebook, Pinterest, Twitter, or Tumblr below? Thank you!

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Related posts:

29 Days to Great Sex Day 14: When You Don't Want to Make Love
29 Days to Great Sex Day 3: Love the Skin You're In
29 Days to Great Sex Day 26: Rebuilding Your Sex Life

29 Days to Great Sex Day 26: Rebuilding Your Sex Life

We're in the home stretch of the 29 Days to Great Sex! I hope you've enjoyed the posts! I've so enjoyed your encouragement on Facebook, in the comments, and on Twitter, and your emails. Apparently we've already had one 29 Days to Great Sex baby conceived, so I'm honoured. I think . And later this week we'll be launching our big contest to win a first–or second–honeymoon! It's all leading up the launch of The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex, which is now available for e-readers from some outlets (and will be available later this week on Amazon for Kindle), and on March 6 for shipping.

A number of you have read this series just because you want things to be better. They're going okay, but you know you're not experiencing all you want to in your sex life, and you long for that greater intimacy and greater fun.

But there are also a number of you who are coming from difficult places. Adultery. Porn use. Sexual abuse. Or basically a sexless marriage, and now you want things to be different. You want to turn it around. But when there's so much water under the bridge, when there's been hurt, when there's been negative patterns, how do you forge ahead?

So today I want to talk about how to have a new start. You've read the series and you're ready to go. You have all these ideas, and a new outlook, and you want it to become a reality, but your old relationship patterns are holding you back, and you're scared you're going to go back into them. Or you're embarrassed to start the conversation with your spouse about where you want to go from here. Here, then, are some strategies for mapping out a new sex life, and getting off to a new start:

1. Talk to Your Spouse

Have you really talked to your spouse yet, and told him what you dream of for your marriage? Have you talked to your wife and told her how you want to feel more intimate? If you want to start fresh, you have to take this step of opening up communication.

Sometimes we're really embarrassed to talk about sex, and sometimes we just are afraid to because it's been such a source of conflict in the past that we're worried our spouse won't take us seriously, or will assume we have bad motives.

You can't control what your spouse thinks or how your spouse reacts. But you can start the conversation and tell the truth. If your spouse doesn't react well, resist the urge to defend yourself. Let your spouse talk, especially if there's been hurt in the past. But share your own heart, too.

2. Apologize for Your Part in the Hurt

It's so crucial to acknowledge when we have actually caused hurt. When my husband and I were first married, we each hurt each other. I hurt him by withholding sex, or by blaming him for wanting it so much. He hurt me by not considering my feelings and not taking things more slowly. But at the time, when we were in the middle of the conflict, neither of us could see that we were doing anything wrong at all. All we could feel was how much the other person hurt us.

Examine yourself and see if you are in the wrong at all. Even if your spouse did something big, like have an affair or use pornography, ask yourself honestly: was I withholding sex from him? Was I being fair to him beforehand? I'm not saying you're to blame for your spouse's sin; not at all. But it's important that we truly look and see if we have anything to apologize for, and then be upfront about it.

3. Forgive Your Spouse

If your spouse has hurt you sexually, by demanding things you didn't want to do, by not being patient, by withholding sex, or whatever it may be, choose to forgive. Tell your spouse how they hurt you, but then confess to what you have done.

And now choose to put it behind you, once and for all. We had to do that in our marriage; I had to say, "I no longer have the right to hold this against you", or else we could never really move forward. Any time we had another conflict about sex, we'd drag up all the stuff that had already happened, and then we couldn't solve it. So we had to say, once and for all, this is forgiven, this is taken care of, this is in the past.

4. See Your Spouse with New Eyes

Now that it is in the past, commit to seeing your spouse differently. Perhaps you've always doubted whether or not your wife really wants you. Perhaps you've always doubted whether or not she actually can have an orgasm. You have to put these things behind you. If your spouse says they want a new start, believe it! Try to not doubt their motives, and try to act as if you're beginning again, and rediscovering each other.

Imagine this scenario: a wife realizes that she hasn't been generous sexually with her husband, and has been withholding sex. She wants things to be different. At the same time, he's been withholding affection because he doesn't feel loved. They both confess this to each other and resolve to go forward together. They're excited about it!

And for a few nights things go great. But then one night she's extra tired and she has a headache. She wants to just go to sleep. He thinks to himself, "Oh, great, here we go again. She said she wanted to change, but she won't. It will never last." And he gets angry. She knows he's angry, and she thinks to herself, "he doesn't care what I've done all week. That really is all he thinks about!" And they're back to old patterns.

If your spouse has said they want to change, then from that time forward, see them through those lenses, not your old ones. If she's said she wants to change, and she is changing, then a few nights when she has a headache shouldn't really be a big deal. But if you're obsessing on the past, they will be. So see your spouse differently, and believe the best.

5. Change Things Up

The latter is easier to do if you actually change what you do. Remember way back at the beginning of the 29 Days when I suggested learning how to reawaken your body by spending 15 minutes just letting him touch you? And then I advised you to do the same for him? That's actually a wonderful exercise to do every so often, and when you're starting again, do it VERY often! It helps you to discover new things about both of you, but it also prevents you from doing the "typical"–either rushing through sex, or touching each other in ways that perhaps you thought were pleasurable but which really aren't. Starting in a new way, and reacquainting yourselves with each others' bodies as if you're doing so for the first time helps you to trust each other that you are trying something new.

And then do new things! If you have tended to make love in a certain way, try something else. Use a different position, a different room, even a different time of day. Just change things up for a while so that it feels different, and you don't start assuming bad motives of the other. When there has been hurt, or distrust, it's difficult to put that behind you. Change things so that you're saying to each other: this is a new beginning. We're walking forward in a different way now, with a different outlook. And that's good!

I received one email from a woman recently who basically had not had sex since her last baby was born quite a while ago. She now realizes this is wrong, and she wants to create an intimate marriage. But how does she jump in? And how often should you make love now, especially if you haven't made love in quite a while?

I guess the way I'd answer that is don't judge anything by what has been done in the past. Don't even look at the past. Think of what an intimate life should look like. Think of how you want to be together. And then do that! It may feel strange, especially if sex hasn't been a big part of your life. Yet concentrate on what's ahead, not what's behind. Look to God and ask Him to give you a new vision for your love life, and walk towards that vision. Don't let yourself be held back by what's been in the past.

6. Give Grace To Each Other

If your spouse says they're committed to change, and that they want to grow in this area, it's not going to change overnight. They may still have old thought patterns they need to get over. If there's healing that needs to come, it may not be instantaneous. But don't let the fact that things aren't 100% better make you believe that your spouse isn't trying. Give him or her the benefit of the doubt, keep loving your spouse, and forge ahead!

And one more thing: really, really work on your friendship. If you can keep laughing together, sex will be so much easier. If you can keep having fun together, you'll be able to talk about things, and when you get worried about this aspect of your relationship, you can bring it up more easily because there's goodwill between you.

Tomorrow and Tuesday we'll be talking about something really important that will actually help this whole process: learning how to connect spiritually during sex!

Great Sex Challenge Day 26: Make things right between you. Over the past month we've talked about sharing visions for your sex life. I want you to do that again tonight, with one major change. Really examine yourselves and see if you have things you need to confess to each other. Then do that. Apologize. Grant forgiveness, if necessary. And then commit to moving forward together!

Still 30% off at Amazon until it's released March 6!

29 Days to Great Sex:

Day 1: The Act of Marriage

Day 2: Starting Fresh

Day 3: Loving the Skin You're In

Day 4: Pucker Up!

Day 5: Reawaken Desire

Day 6: Why Your Hubby Wants You!

Day 7: Moving in the Right Direction

Day 8: 14 Ways to Play as a Couple

Day 9: Prepare for Sex throughout the Day

Day 10:16 Ways to Flirt with Your Husband

Day 11: How to Find Your Hubby Attractive

Day 12: If you're Having a Hard Time with these Challenges

Day 13: Getting Your Head in the Game

Day 14: What if You're Not "In the Mood"?

Day 15: What is Foreplay?

Day 16: How to Orgasm

Day 17: The Pleasure Center

Day 18: Foreplay Can Be for Him, Too!

Day 19: How to Come Alive Again

Day 20: Deciding on Boundaries

Day 21: 5 Ways to Spice Things Up

Day 22: How Often is Enough?

Day 23: Quickies Are Great!

Day 24: Initiate, Baby!

Day 25: Sex Once Kids Come

Next:

Day 27: Experiencing Spiritual Intimacy when you Make Love

Please spread the word about this series by sharing on Facebook, Pinterest, Twitter, or Tumblr below! Thank you!

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Related posts:

29 Days to Great Sex Day 20: Deciding Your Boundaries
29 Days to Great Sex Day 24: Initiate, Baby!
29 Days to Great Sex Day 21: 5 Ways to Spice Things Up