Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 272

My 7 Pet Peeves about Worship Music in Church

I normally talk marriage in this blog, but I’m not JUST a wife. I’m first and foremost a child of God. And I’m a child of God who isn’t exactly easy-mannered. I’m opinionated. And sometimes those opinions just have to come out.

And so I would like to share with you the seven things I most wish I could say to worship leaders (and this isn’t directed at any particular ones from my church, or from conferences I’ve spoken at . These are just general, universal observations!):

1. The Date the Song was Written is not Nearly as Important as Singability

I don’t care when the song was written as long as it is singable and meaningful. If I don’t know when to come in, what the melody is going to do, or understand the words, then I can’t worship. If I’m concentrating on sounding good when I sing and on not embarrassing myself, then I’m not thinking about God.

Some worship leaders only like to sing songs out of hymn books. But just because a song is in a hymn book with written music doesn’t mean it’s musical. Those hymn book publishing companies had to fill up that book with something, and there’s only so many “How Great Thou Arts” and “To God Be The Glories”. So around 1912, they hired a bunch of people to write completely unsingable songs called something like “Whithersoever the Lamb Shall Goeth, Shall I Also Be”, or “Mine Eyes Have Beholden the Rose of Sharon, and I March To Find My King”. Or whatever. If a song isn’t widely known by the congregation, then it should be sung only if it’s one you want to introduce and teach, because it’s so marvelous, not just because you think it fits with today’s message.

Likewise, there’s nothing wrong with hymns–as long as they’re the good hymns. And how do you know what a good hymn is? Simply ask anyone over the age of 50 what their favourite hymn is, and you’ll get great answers. Old Rugged Cross. How Great Thou Art. Immortal, Invisible. How Marvelous, How Wonderful. O Sacred Head. All great. All singable. All recognizable.

Hymns are not the problem, and if people think young people won’t relate to hymns, then they’re simply not playing them correctly. If a hymn has been a favourite for 100 years, there’s probably a reason. So younger people, don’t be hymn snobs. These songs are usually very musical and very powerful doctrinally. Just update how you play them, and everyone should like them.

But at the same time, don’t play something nobody knows. If it was written in 1912, but nobody liked it even in 1912, then it’s probably not meant for 2012, either.

At the same time, don’t be a contemporary music snob. God has different and unique messages for each generation, and often the way those messages are spread is through song. We have some wonderful songwriters writing worship songs today, and if we never sing them, then we miss out on God’s message to the church today. The date it was written should not matter; it’s musicality and relevance should.

2. Performance Songs are Not Congregation Songs

Look, I love contemporary Christian music as much as the next person. I download Christian music off of iTunes. I listen to Christian radio, and I sing along. But not all songs are congregation songs. Some are meant to be solos.

Just because a song means something to you, and has a great message, does not mean that it works well in a congregation. To be sung by a bunch of people at one time, the tune should be obvious, there should not be numerous pauses, and there should not be weird timing. If there is, then it’s better to use it as special music.

3. The “Eye Shadow Should Match Your Purse” Philosophy of Worship Doesn’t Work

If the pastor is preaching about the inerrancy of Scripture, not every song you sing needs to be about the inerrancy of Scripture. Do you know how hard it is to find songs on Scripture? This is what leads people to look flip through hymnbooks and choose those obscure songs written in 1912 (see #1, above), and it’s silly.

The worship songs do not have to match the sermon, because that’s not the point of worship. Worship isn’t about teaching people the sermon; worship is about preparing people’s hearts to listen to the sermon. It’s much more important for people to encounter God during worship, so that they’re willing to listen with open ears, than it is to use those songs to preach a specific message. Let’s focus on God during worship, and who He is, and then we’ll be ready to listen to the pastor.

4. Worship is About God, Not About Me

I attended a city-wide Good Friday service a few years ago, and the worship team was very polished. They had every instrument imaginable. They had wonderful vocalists. But about 2/3 of the way through the worship package I leaned over to my mother and whispered, “if the next song begins with the word “I”, I’ll shoot myself“. In retrospect, I was glad I had not brought a gun with me, because that would have been messy.

Worship should focus on God, not on my reaction to God. Worship should remind us who God is, not remind us of how much we love Him, or how much we want to serve Him, or how much he means to us. It should be about who He is and what He does. Now, this shouldn’t be a hard and fast rule, because there is room for songs that tell of our personal response to His love. But when worship packages are entirely focused on what we think of God, instead of simply looking at who He is, then our focus is misplaced. Especially on Good Friday. A song or two about, you know, the actual crucifixion would have been nice.

5. The Worship Leader’s Job is Not to Drum Up Emotion

Do you know the song “Celebrate, Jesus, Celebrate?” If you do, you’ll know that those are just about the only words (there’s also a chorus, but it doesn’t have that many words, either). Anyway, the song says “Celebrate, Jesus, Celebrate” four times in a row, and then moves to the chorus.

I was once in a church where we sang the verse–and I kid you not–eight times before we moved to the chorus. That’s 32 “Celebrate Jesus, Celebrates”. Does anyone else find that extreme?

It’s almost as if the worship leader was trying to get us to shut off our brains so that we’d enter some sort of trance-like state. I don’t think that’s the proper role of worship.

I have no problem with repeating a chorus or two, but let’s not get ridiculous. We aren’t Hindus; we’re not into mantras. We’re into using our brains as we worship a living God. And if concentrating on that living God doesn’t promote reverence, drumming up a false emotional frenzy isn’t going to do so, either.

6. No Instrument is Satanic

When the organ was introduced, people were all worked up. How could we add that loud instrument to worship? It was edgy. It was new. It was controversial.

Every instrument at some time has been edgy and controversial, even the ones we now consider boring. Instruments are not the problem. If an instrument is too loud, that’s the sound person’s problem, not the musician’s problem. And people need to get over their fear of instruments. If the song selection is good, the instruments shouldn’t matter.

7. Silence is Golden

I love singing. I really do. My daughters and I harmonize together. But there are times when I would prefer that we just not sing.

Communion is one of those times. When I used to lead worship, I insisted on having the piano play quietly, but not singing anything, because sometimes I believe it’s important to give people room to pray. When we sing, the words enter their brains and then it becomes harder to pray about specific things God may be speaking to  you about.

Sometimes I think we sing too much, and we don’t pray (or just listen to Scripture) enough. Worship is more than singing; it’s also responding to God, and listening to God, and listening to His word, and prayer, and even giving. So while singing is wonderful, I think many services would benefit from more silent times to pray, or saying some creeds together, or hearing more Scripture read out loud.

We’re in church to encounter God, not to be entertained. And I believe that all congregation members should worship, and be in church with a sense of reverence and awe, regardless of what the music is, and even if it’s not your cup of tea. If you don’t worship, that is not the praise team leader’s fault. Nevertheless, I do think that praise team leaders could encourage worship more effectively by doing some of these things. What do you think?

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Belting out Worship
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The Desert in your Marriage

Reader Question of the Week: My Husband Stays Up So Much Later than I do

Every weekend I like to throw up a question someone sends in and let you readers have a go at it. Here’s an issue that many women have raised with me:

I really need at least eight hours sleep, so I try to go to bed by 10:30. My husband, though, likes to stay up late playing video games. Sometimes he doesn’t even notice if I announce I’m going to bed, even if I try to do it sexy-like. He doesn’t get the hint, or else he says, “I’ll be up soon”, but he doesn’t come up to bed until 2 in the morning. By that time I’m asleep.

How can I get him to see that I want our marriage to be great, but I just can’t wait until 2 in the morning to have sex?

Great question! Be sure, of course, that you’re not “Turning Your Husband Off” all day and giving him those vibes. But assuming she’s not, what should she do?

Leave your thoughts in the comments!



And don’t forget: The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex makes a great gift for any woman about to get married. So if you’re going to a bridal shower this spring, bring it along! And it makes a great Mother’s Day gift to yourself, as well! I’m sure your husband won’t mind .

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The Desert in your Marriage

I’m speaking at a retreat in Kingston, Ontario this weekend. Here’s our theme song:

I’m not speaking directly about marriage, but I want to remind my regular readers:

In every season, He is still God.

Sometimes you will have desert seasons in your marriage. He is still God.

Sometimes you will have seasons of plenty. He is still God.

And in very season, cling to God. You have a reason to sing. And if we could have that attitude, and bring praise in every season, no weapon formed against us in our marriages could remain.

I don’t know what your season in your marriage is today, but whatever the season, cling to God, and He will be the victor for you. Sometimes that may not turn out the way we plan, but He is still the victor when we lean on Him–in every season.

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The Elusive Summer Job

Every Friday my syndicated column appears in a bunch of newspapers in southeastern Ontario and Saskatchewan. Here’s this week’s! It’s bad in Canada; but this situation is even worse in the United States, since university costs so much more there (no idea why).

In the fall of 1988, a much younger version of myself left home and launched my new life at Queen’s University. I was optimistic. I was enthusiastic. And I had money in the bank.

I had graduated a semester early and worked full-time for several months, so I could pay for my entire first year.

The following summer I polished off my resume and found work with a temp firm in Toronto as an executive secretary. I made $15 an hour. The next summer I stayed in Kingston and earned roughly the same amount.

Tuition was about $2000 a year. I joined together with three other young women and rented a house which was drafty, tiny, and cheap. One of my housemates and I started a home-based business typing student’s essays and printing them out on our handy-dandy oh-so-rare laser printer. I made $2 a page, translating to $20 an hour (I type fast). By working full time in the summer, and typing the occasional essay, I could pay for my whole year of university, which was about $7000. One of my roommates had a dad who worked with GM, and she was automatically given a job on the line each summer, earning $20 an hour. She paid her whole way, too.

Almost twenty-five years later my seventeen-year-old daughter works part-time as a lifeguard and swim instructor, a job she loves and which required hours of training and certification. She earns less money now than I did then. A friend of hers works part-time at the mall, making less than 2/3 what I did back in 1989. Yet tuition has more than quadrupled. Rents have increased, as has the price of almost everything, most especially Kraft Dinner, which makes a severe dent in student’s budgets. A year of university or college now costs roughly $17,000, if you’re frugal. And student wages have not increased.

Most of the people I attended university with graduated without too much debt. Finding summer jobs was always a bit of a panic-inducing process, but it was possible. Because you could pay for school yourself, you felt more like an adult. You grew up faster. Today students can’t possibly put themselves through school, and so they’re dependent upon their parents far longer.

I suppose the wage gap between then and now is partly because the late 80s coincided with the computer revolution, and those who, like me, could actually use computers were paid a premium because the skill was still relatively rare. Today such skills are so widespread the thought of making money typing someone’s essay is laughable. And factory jobs for university students have all but disappeared.

It’s hardly surprising, then, that the average student debt in Canada is now $27,000. That’s the equivalent of a downpayment on a house. Far more young adults will be settling in to the basements of their parents’ homes long-term, trying to earn money to pay off debt instead of starting what we normally think of as adult life—moving out, buying a home, getting married. Debt delays everything.

Life is difficult today for twenty-somethings, and this week, as many arrive back home from university and college, they’ll be pounding the pavement, desperately hoping to land a job that will pay maybe $9 an hour. At some point, something’s gotta give. Will so many students continue to pursue higher education, even when jobs aren’t readily available? Or will more and more say, “I don’t want that kind of debt”, and try to think outside the box? I’m not sure, but I wouldn’t be surprised to see the more enterprising among them hop off that debt train and start dreaming of a quicker, cheaper way to build a life for themselves, out of their parents’ basement.

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Winners–and Sheila, Coming to a Town Near You!

I’ve got some big announcements today!

1. I’m Coming to Speak

I’ve been running two contests recently, and it’s time to announce some winners. First, I ran a contest where I would come and speak at your church–for free! I budgeted plane tickets, hotels, food, and travel, and then threw it open to anyone in continental North America (although honestly, if Hawaii had won, I would not have said no).

Anyway, I had hundreds of churches enter, so thank you very much. When I chose the winner, it was….

Scarborough Baptist Church in Scarborough (East Toronto), Ontario! Which happens to be two hours away from where I live. No plane ticket. No hotel. Not really any extra food!

So I decided I needed to pick TWO winners, so I had Rafflecopter randomly draw another one, and it was…

Willmar Assembly of God in Willmar, MN.

So I’m heading off to Willmar, likely in early October (Scarborough hasn’t been booked yet).

Congratulations to those churches! They’ll be hearing Girl Talk, a fun evening of humor, faith, and some practical information about intimacy and marriage. I’ve got some funny videos to go along with it, and I’ll be hosting a Q&A session during it, so I can pretty much guarantee an unforgettable evening! Given how much women want some straight talk about sex, I think it will be a wonderful resource for churches to offer.

And in that vein, I’m also going to be touring later this spring and next fall, and so if you would like to be part of a tour, I’d love to include you!

Here’s what I have available:

Maritimes, Canada, June 3-6

Washington/Oregon, September 13-18

Minnesota, October 2-4 and 6-8

Pennsylvania, October 22-24 and 28-30

If you live in any of those areas, and you’d like to be on the tour, just email me!

2. That Works for Me!

Now we have some more winners to announce! I also ran a giveaway for an amazing new resource, That Works For Me!, an ebook from Kristen who brings you Works for Me Wednesdays. She has put together 800 of the best tips offered on WFMW, and is offering it for $8.

I offered three copies to some winners, and I’ve drawn them now. They are:

Lindsay H.

Elisa W.

Lisa H.

I’ve just emailed all of them, and they’ll be receiving the book. But don’t forget that you can pick it up, too (and it is a really great resource, with tips on everything from parenting to cleaning to marriage to finding time for yourself).

3. Speaking

I’ve been doing a ton of speaking lately, and I’m heading out to speak at a retreat this weekend, too. A few Saturdays ago I was in Stratford, ON at a community-wide event. It was great fun! I love seeing churches all come together. It was a women’s day in a hotel (so that no church had any special status), and all churches were invited. How cool is that! The worship team was made up of women from all different churches, too.

Still 30% off at Amazon!

4. The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex

Last thing to mention: thank you so much for all your kind reviews on Amazon for The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex! I’m now at 49 reviews, and it’s still averaging 5 stars. I so appreciate it! And if anyone wants to head over and put it up to 50, that would be wonderful, too.

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Wifey Wednesday: Successful Sex for Long Distance Marriages

It’s Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you follow up either by commenting or by writing your own post and then linking up!

Today’s Wifey Wednesday is brought to you by Carla Anne Coroy, a speaker and author of Married Mom, Solo Parent, a great book about how to keep a family and a marriage thriving when your husband spends a ton of time away from home on business. I know many of you military wives, and trucker wives, and salesmen wives, and consultant wives can relate. Here’s Carla:

A successful sex life can be challenging even when everything is going well. But what if your spouse isn’t even around – sometimes for weeks?

Welcome to my world.

Life with an often-absent spouse has its challenges, especially when it comes to sexual intimacy.

The first challenge is simply not being together. You can’t have sex with your husband if he’s not there!

My sex drive doesn’t turn off just because my husband isn’t around. The longer he’s gone, the more aware I become of my sexual needs. Do I wait until he’s home, or do I satisfy myself? Unfortunately, for too long, I chose the latter.

Advised by another woman to masturbate, I was convinced I needed to keep up my libido to be ‘ready’ when my husband returned. I was told that without it my sex drive would shut down.

None of that is true.

Sexual success between a husband and wife is more than sex and orgasms. It also includes emotionally intimacy. Masturbating, even while thinking about your spouse, doesn’t build intimacy. Instead, it trains your body to respond quickly to your own stimulation.

That training can lead to problems, making it more difficult for a woman to reach a sexual climax with her husband.

Emotional intimacy can also be eroded by concerns regarding a spouse’s faithfulness.

Husbands, your wife’s sex drive is directly connected to her confidence in you while you are away. We know the temptations of porn, prostitutes and female co-workers exist. Your wife needs to know she’s your one and only, even while you’re gone. (The recent scandal with US Secret Service Agents and their ‘Wheels Up, Rings Off’ practice doesn’t encourage wives with traveling husbands!)

Give each other permission to call night or day with a promise to always answer. Call each other on breaks just to chat. Share good news, bad news, funny moments and the temptations you struggle with. Removing any hint of worry builds a solid foundation for a successful sex life.

Use technology to keep the communication lines open! Cell phones, Skype, texts and emails are wonderful tools for couples who are apart. Keep each other up to date on details like bills, to-do lists and the kids’ misdemeanors so you can focus more on each other when you’re together again.

But don’t leave it at just information. Communicate how you feel about each other, not just about the kids or the crazy day. Encourage each other and pray together.

A few days before you’ll be together, start talking about sex. Tell each other what you’re looking forward to – feel free to be graphic! King Solomon was! In fact, try reading sections of Song of Solomon out loud over the phone.

Plan in advance when you will be physically intimate. If he walks in the door and expects to find you in lingerie ready for a night of wild sex, and you are thinking it’ll be a quiet night of bubble bath or tea with friends while he watches the kids… you’ll have fireworks of a different kind!

On the day of the big ‘event’ you should think about what it will feel like to have your spouse touch you. Think about how great he or she is, what their strengths and great character traits are, and how God has blessed you with them.

(Okay… I know. You are thinking… there’s really nothing that great… you don’t know my spouse. And no. I don’t. But I know mine. I felt exactly the same way, and was ready to walk out on a nearly dead marriage. I don’t have time for that here, but trust me, it starts by changing how you think and then acting on that. It’s biblical, and it works. Even in the bedroom!)

Wives, spend time thinking about how you are going to knock his socks off! What will he enjoy? What would make him believe you are the best wife any man could have?

Husbands, prepare yourself to make her feel cherished. What can you do to let her know she is beautiful? Talk to her and let her talk to you while you actively listen. That’s foreplay for most women!

Pray that God would release you both to love each other without reserve. Pray for great sex.

Then save your energy! You are going to need it!

Which brings me to another challenge: fatigue. After being at home and on call 24/7, a late-night romp in silk sheets doesn’t sound nearly as wonderful as an early bedtime and a full night of sleep.

Part of preparing physically for sex is to get enough rest. Especially when you’ve been going solo for a while. So wives, in preparation for that love-making session you have scheduled, take a nap.

If you work full time, take an hour or two off to rest and prepare. If you’re at home with children – get a sitter. Your marriage is worth the money you’ll pay for a 2 hour nap. Make it 4 hours and go get a massage! Doesn’t it make sense to invest a little money into something that should last the rest of your life!?!

If you are often separated from your husband, your love-life may not be as regular as you had hoped. But it doesn’t have to be bad. Have as many nights of passion as you can while your hubby is home. Enjoy it. Whisper words of ‘next time you’re home’ so you can both be prepared for more wonder in the bedroom.

The sex-life of a marriage separated by distance may seem like a feast or famine lifestyle. That’s okay. Your marriage can still be marked with both purity and passion.

Carla Anne Coroy blogs! Pick up Married Mom, Solo Parent on Amazon here, or find out more at her site!

Now it’s your turn! Do you have marriage thoughts for us today? Write your own Wifey Wednesday post that links back to here, and then leave the link of THAT POST in the Mcklinky below. Thanks!

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Wifey Wednesday: Forgetting About Long Lost Loves
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Kids Pick Up Our Attitudes About Sex

I know I talk about sex a lot. I guess it’s kinda become my niche. But here’s the great thing about a great sex life: it doesn’t just benefit you and your husband. It benefits your kids, too.

The thought of one’s parents having sex is supposed to send every child into spasms of retching. But I think every kid, even if they’re grossed out, will be secretly happy that their parents actually like each other enough to still want to do that.

So we owe it to our kids to have great sex lives with our husbands! After all, let’s face it: the vast majority of messages that kids hear about sex are something like:  “Don’t even think about it!” As I researched my new book, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, I came across woman after woman who relayed something like this:

Sex was never talked about in my home except to say “don’t do it”. I spent my whole pre-married life avoiding sex and trying so hard not to think about it. It was something bad. Then I got married and the switch was really hard to make. I’m still very embarrassed about sex in general.

Every youth rally I’ve ever been to included a talk on purity. Parents are worried about purity. Pastors are worried about purity. But if we’re not giving kids the other side of the equation–that when you do make love in a committed relationship, it is AWESOME!–then they can easily develop almost an abhorrence of sex.

How do you make sex into something positive?

1. Smooch Every Chance You Get

Kiss your hubby–in front of the kids! My daughters’ friend Kaila once confessed that she was always a little worried about walking into our kitchen in case “Mr. and Mrs. Gregoire were making out in there.” My girls laughed along, but I know they took it as a badge of honor. Their parents loved each other, and that gives them an amazing sense of security. Mom and Dad still are hot for each other. It’s great modeling. (And if you’re not really a touchy person, read this.)

2. Talk About Sex as Something Positive

Spend time with your teens talking any chance you can get. You can’t force a teen to talk, but you can create low-stress environments where conversation is more likely. Many parents find their best conversations are in the car, when you’re playing chauffeur. Or perhaps take walks after dinner, or head out to Dairy Queen.

We’ve created these opportunities to let the kids vent about mistakes they see friends making. Perhaps not surprisingly, sex does come up in conversation quite a bit. And I’ve been giving them the message, over and over, that sex in the back seat of someone’s car will never feel as wonderful as it does when you’re married, you’re committed to one another, and you’re safe and cherished.

Perhaps you’re also giving your children the message “Wait–because it’s worth it!” That’s good. That’s better than just “don’t do it!” But unless that “wait, because it’s worth it” is accompanied by actual evidence that it is worth it, your kids may start to believe the culture that tells them how great sex is now, rather than your parents who say the words but don’t walk the walk. So while talking is beneficial, it needs to be accompanied by this scary attitude shift:

3. Don’t Keep it a Secret that You Have Sex

We try to be quiet as mice. We purchase WD-40 by the case to make sure the bed doesn’t squeak. But honestly, if your child happens to know what’s going on behind that closed door, is that really such a horrible thing?

One friend confided in me about an episode one night when she and her husband were enjoying quite a vigorous time–and we’ll leave it at that. But when the action was over, and they were snuggling, they heard their daughter Vanessa’s music way too loud. Sean got his pants back on, stepped out in the hallway, and bellowed, “Vanessa, how many times do we have to tell you to keep your music down?” She bellowed back, “Dad, it’s this loud for a reason! Like, ICK!”

For many of us, that would be mortifying–to be caught by your own kids. Yet why is that? If sex is beautiful in a marriage, and is a good thing, then if the kids happen to suspect what’s going on, that should not be a cause for concern. It should just be more evidence that marriage is good–and sex can be great within marriage.

I’m certainly not saying you should advertise it to your kids. I’m not saying you should make a big production out of it–”Well, girls, Daddy and I are going upstairs now”, wink wink. But at some point kids will get to the age where they’ll start to suspect, and likely start to catch on. That doesn’t mean you have to double down and become even more secretive. It just means that you should act normally, and they may just learn the truth. And that’s okay.

Still 30% off at Amazon!

I heard of one couple who told their teenage children, “On Friday nights, you probably want to be out of the house.” And then they added, “And be in your rooms by 9:30 with the door closed. It’s for your own good.” The kids got the message. And everyone was fine with it.

Nevertheless, when I was researching my book, one of my saddest findings was that about 40% of married couples make love less than once a week. Once kids come, sex goes.

Ladies, I think we have it backwards. When we’re moms, we need sex just for relaxation and to help us sleep better. We need to reconnect with our husbands. And we need to give our kids a great example that sex is something positive. So stop fretting over your kids finding out about your sex life, and start praying that they secretly may!

What do you think? Can you make that attitude shift? Or is that just too hard? Let me know!

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How a Marriage Changes

(Note: I’m going to officially announce the winners of my “Girl Talk” contest tomorrow, hopefully. I just haven’t heard back from one of the churches yet! So stay tuned).

A while back, I posed the question: what should a man do if his wife is totally uninterested in sex? That post has over 100 comments with people going back and forth on the right strategy.

But one comment, by Timbreldancer, really spoke to me, because I think it epitomized what often happens in relationships, and how change occurs. It’s long, but it’s insightful, so I’m going to post most of it here (I edited it down a bit):

_________________________________

Those of you who are struggling with this problem: I have been that wife. My husband and I have been married for over 25 years and I can see myself and my husband in so much of what you have described. In my case, some of it was physical issues, including a pre-diabetic condition that improved a great deal with medication, plus trying to be much more careful about my diet. I can really tell the times that I choose the wrong foods…I spend the rest of the day exhausted. Some of my problems were also a result of past sexual abuse.

Most of all, however, my problem was that I had a loving, caring husband who was willing and able to bend over backward to show me how much he loved me, but in return, I was selfish, thoughtless, and too focused on myself to really even notice how much pain he was experiencing.

I’m not saying I was selfish in general. I have been a caring mother to our children, a caring friend to my friends, a caring Christian to unbelievers, and a caring family member to the rest of the family. I was not even completely selfish toward my husband. He many times did not notice the many sacrifices I made to serve him in some way I thought he would appreciate. However, because I got my sense of self worth from serving and doing, all of that “doing” and “serving” others left me almost zero energy for giving and serving my husband sexually. When he would try to bring it up, gently and lovingly, I would get angry and resentful, because I felt he was one more person “sucking me dry” by asking for yet another thing that I just didn’t have the energy to give.

The times that I set aside my own desire and “let” him pursue sex, I did eventually relax enough to enjoy it, but I would never actually want to have sex on my own, or if I did, I was too lazy to pursue it, because going to sleep was easier than actually making an attempt to start things.

I think George is doing an awesome job of being caring and thoughtful, and having him become uncaring and unthoughtful (or demanding) is not likely to have the kind of effect he would hope for. It may, however, wake his wife up, but possibly at the expense of his marriage. My husband chose the route of becoming uncaring and unthoughtful, and it did eventually wake me up, but it also greatly endangered our marriage and also caused some serious problems with our children. If I hadn’t been extremely committed to staying married and if I hadn’t had numerous friends who were willing to pray for us, I’m fairly certain we would be divorced now.

What made the biggest difference for us, in the long run, was that I began to realize that my husband wasn’t the big, selfish “jerk” I thought he was, just because he wanted to have sex on a regular basis. I give 100% credit to God for the change that saved our marriage. On a practical level, though, it came down to the fact that I didn’t really believe my husband loved me like he said he did. Despite all of his selfless service to me, I always felt he was doing it either because (a) he wanted to anyway or (b) he was trying to manipulate me into doing something he wanted (like have sex, for example). Because of that, I either didn’t recognize the basis of his caring acts, or I assumed they had a completely selfish basis and I resented him. Resentment turned to bitterness turned to hatred turned to almost divorcing him.

So what can you do? You can’t fix your wife. You can pray for her. You probably can’t serve your way into making her stop being selfish and lazy when it comes to sex. What you can do, though, is ask her to set aside a half hour of time to talk with you about “the future of your marriage.” I highly recommend you do this in a coffee shop or park or someplace where your children will not be around, and where cell phones can be turned off. Make it clear to her that this is very important to your marriage. It is extremely important that you speak gently, without an accusing or angry tone, but that you also make it clear that you won’t be “wasting her time” by talking about unimportant things.

Once you have your wife alone, start by confirming your relationship. You can say something like this: “Honey, you are so important to me and I want us to have a really great marriage.”

Then, being careful not to make any accusations or any attempt to imply blame toward her, acknowledge your own failure. (NOTE: YOU ARE NOT FAILING! You are doing the right things, but she’s not seeing it, so in that sense, you are failing to connect with her in a way she can see.) You can say something like this: “I feel like I’m not doing a good job of showing you just how much I love you.”



Reconfirm the relationship: “I really want us to have a great marriage…”



State the problem: “…but I feel like there is always room for improvement.”

ASK HER for the solution to the problem: “I’d like to know if you can think of anything I can do to improve our marriage?”

If she’s like me, she probably won’t know what to say at this point. She may know exactly what she wants, but she may not be willing to say it, because she’s been hurt or disappointed in that particular area too many times in the past to be willing to risk it. Or, she may really have no idea what she wants.

From there, I would recommend an apology: “Honey, I know there have been times that I have not been able to communicate my love to you, and I’m sorry for that. Please forgive me for the times I’ve made you feel unloved.”

Here is the important part: ASK HER what you can do to demonstrate your love for her. “I want to know if there is anything I can do to show you I love you?”

Chances are, she may not have an answer for you, or she may try to push you off by saying you are doing just fine and she knows you love her. Don’t let that stop you. Ask her to think about it: “Would you be willing to give this some thought? Would you be willing to take some time and maybe write a list for me?”

Remind her that this is really important for the future of your marriage: “This is really important to me. I want us to have a great marriage, so I really want to know what kinds of things help you to feel loved.”

If you’re brave, you can also ask her to tell you what she thinks you are doing wrong. In fact, if she is not offering suggestions for improvement at this point, you probably should ask her if she can also think about giving you a couple of ideas about what you are doing wrong.

And a few last thoughts: First, don’t give her a list unless she specifically asks for one, and if she does, make sure your list is very positive and mostly includes things she already does for you, that you’d like her to do more of. Now is NOT the time to ask for more sex. Secondly, don’t assume the list she gives you will be accurate. She may not really know what she wants. What it will do for you, however, is give you some idea of what she *thinks* she wants, and also it should give you some idea of how she perceives love. For example, if “bring me flowers” is on the list, then she may be more of a romantic than you realized. If “take out the garbage” is on the list, then she may be resenting you for not doing something she thinks is your job, for example. ” The Five Love Languages book (by Gary Chapman, I think) may help you identify if you are just not speaking her love language, based on her response.

If you try doing the things on her list and you aren’t getting any additional warmth from her, then I’d recommend you go back and ask again if there is something you are doing that is making her feel unloved. Often, the thing that is making her feel unloved will also give you a clue to what would make her feel loved.



I’m NOT saying that you aren’t trying hard enough or that you’re not being nice enough. I just know that when my husband started asking me these kinds of questions, it really made me stop and think about what I really did want out of the relationship. And when he was vulnerable enough to ask me what he was doing that made me feel unloved, I not only had to think about that (and actually tell him what was bothering me), but it also made me feel like he really did truly care about me, for real. That was when the iceberg began to melt, for me. And since he had also become something of a hard rock, too, because of his own hurt feelings, when I began to ask him these kinds of questions, he also began to melt. Our marriage is much much better than it was, and these types of questions helped to open up lines of communication that had never been there before, or were so firmly closed that even we didn’t notice they were missing.

_______________________________________________________

(Sheila again here):

I strongly agree with the idea that this commenter put forward, about having an honest talk where you ask what you can do to help your spouse feel more loved. I know this sounds backwards; you, after all, are the one who doesn’t feel loved. But the truth is that neither of you is connecting, and by showing her (or him) that you realize this, then your spouse will probably start to feel more positively towards the relationship, too.

The key thing to me, that this woman brought up, is that quite often we don’t know what we want. We sense that something is wrong in a marriage, but we can’t identify what that “something” is. We’ll think it’s one thing, and we’ll tell our husbands that’s the problem (“you never help clean up around the house”). Perhaps he starts cleaning up in response, but that doesn’t actually help you feel better, because that wasn’t the root problem.

The root problem, in my opinion, is usually a feeling of disconnectedness and a sense that you’re missing your purpose. When the marriage isn’t going well, it doesn’t matter how well you’re doing at being a mom, or keeping the house up, or working. You’re going to feel disconnected, because the intimacy isn’t there. Similarly, when we don’t feel intimacy with God, we’re going to feel like something is wrong.

What we need is to feel close to God and close to our husbands. An intimate marriage is really part of both, but often we don’t understand that.

So what should the spouse who is hurting do?

Recognize that this is the real problem, even if your spouse doesn’t see it, and do what you can to work on building intimacy and love and acceptance, as this woman suggested. And then do as much as you can to pull closer to God with your husband or wife. As you pull closer to Him, and learn to love your spouse, often the rest will come. But don’t expect her or him to understand that or see it, because often we don’t.

Have you ever tried something like this? What do you think?

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Where Two or Three are Gathered…

We had a wonderful church service this morning, with a missionary couple sharing about what God is doing in Latin America. It was beautiful.

But one thing that struck me was this. The speaker’s main point is that Jesus has already been given authority; we just need to pray together with Him and things will change. One of the reasons we don’t pray, though, is because we aren’t reconciled to one another.

You know the verse that says,

Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. (Matthew 18:19)

The key point of that is that we must AGREE. And I think of the areas of my life in which I’m having difficulty right now, and it tends to be because there is some ill will and just disagreement among people, even people of faith. We can’t pray together if we can’t first agree.

That’s the same in marriage. I receive so many emails asking for advice, and mostly it boils down to the fact that the two spouses have very different views on marriage and on who is right and who is wrong. They have grown apart. They resent each other. There’s sin involved.

And how can you move forward, how can God work, if you can’t pray? And you can’t pray if you can’t agree.

That doesn’t mean we can’t pray on our own. I’m just saying that the fundamental problem I see in so many areas is that we have not yet received or participated in the true ministry of reconciliation. We don’t know how to handle conflict. We don’t do a good job of finding unity. We paper over problems rather than deal with them, but then we become bitter because things don’t change. We take offense too easily.

I am staring into a few weeks of conflict in front of me in one area of my life (don’t worry; it’s not my family). Until this morning I was trying to figure out how I could make sure that the outcome was the right one. I am now thinking I need to change my attitude, and instead focus on reconciliation. I don’t know how to get there, but I’m praying.

Those are my Sunday afternoon thoughts. What are yours? Do you have problems with reconciliation in your life?

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Reader Question of the Week: Help! We Live with Extended Family!

Every weekend I like to throw up a question someone sends in and let you readers have a go at it. Here’s a question that I’ve received from quite a few people with different variations, so I’m going to write a composite, and let you all go at it!

For financial reasons, my husband and I have had to move in with his parents. They’re a lovely couple, and I know they love us, but I find it very draining. We don’t have any privacy. Nieces and nephews will often walk into our bedroom unannounced. My husband feels like he has to talk to his parents all the time since we’re living in their house, but then the two of us get no time.

To make matters worse, I’m really uncomfortable having sex. Our bedroom is right next door to theirs, and I’m always worried about noise. What should we do?

I’ll add that about half of these women have kids who are also sharing the bedroom, and half do not. So what are your thoughts? How do you find privacy when you’re living with extended family? And what do you do about being nervous to make love?

Leave your thoughts in the comments!



And don’t forget: The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex makes a great gift for any woman about to get married. So if you’re going to a bridal shower this spring, bring it along! And it makes a great Mother’s Day gift to yourself, as well! I’m sure your husband won’t mind .

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