Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 270

Wifey Wednesday: Getting Over Thinking Sex is “All for him”

It’s Wednesday, which means it’s time for a marriage post and link-up party! I’ll write a post about marriage, and then you all can link up one of your own below!

Today I want to ask you a question. When you have sex with your husband, do you feel like you’re doing him a favor? Has sex become something that’s “for him”? Something that you do because you should, to get brownie points, rather than something that you want to do?

Many women feel that way. And not just that; they also feel proud of themselves when they do “give him sex”. He should be grateful!

I think this is an understandable attitude, but also a dangerous one that we should fight against.

I’ve seen a number of comments recently on this blog that went something like this:

My husband never really shows me love the way I need it. But he wants sex all the time! But because he doesn’t show me love, I just can’t get into it. So we rarely have sex. And then when we do, he isn’t even grateful.

There’s a problem with that attitude.

Let’s say that what you really want is for your husband to be romantic. You want the flowers. You want him to read you poetry. You want him to bring you home chocolates. And let’s say that one day he does all those things. He hires a baby-sitter so he can take you out to dinner. While there, he whips out a book of love sonnets and reads you from Shakespeare. When you get home, he feeds you chocolate truffles, and then he doesn’t even expect anything in return! How wonderful of him.

But the next day you overhear him talking to a friend and he says, “yes, I did it. I finally did everything she wanted. I had to grit my teeth the entire time and pretend to be happy, but I did it, and now she can’t complain. I figure I’ve probably bought myself two or three months before she gets grumpy again and expects something.”

You’d be pretty ticked, wouldn’t you? It would be like it wasn’t real. What you wanted was for him to WANT to do those romantic things; if he did them because he felt like he had to, then it’s cheating.

Yet how many of us do the same thing to our husbands? Perhaps you don’t think that’s a fair comparison, because you can’t help the way you feel. Sex isn’t really fun, and you can’t just “force” yourself to get turned on.

Yet so much of sex is attitude for women. When our heads are in the game, our bodies usually follow. When our heads aren’t in the game, it isn’t very much fun. If you’re resentful of your husband, or you’re having sex just “to get him off of my back”, then it’s unlikely to be a fun experience for you. But it’s also not going to be very fun for him, because he’s going to know that you’re not really into it. That you’re just doing it for him. And he’s going to feel placated, not wanted. That’s a recipe for disaster.

Besides, we are really being hypocritical here. We’re expecting men to do something that we aren’t willing to do. We want men to show us affection and love whether or not we give them sex. We expect men to be loving and not demanding, and yet we ourselves can’t do the same thing for them. They simply want us to make love (which in their eyes is showing love) without expecting a whole lot in return. And if we’re treating sex like it’s a reward, then we’re withholding love from them. And that is extremely hurtful.

I believe that the root of many marriage problems later on is a disconnect when it comes to making love. Making love is not something optional that we add to our marriages when things are good. It is something that we should be doing consistently, regularly, throughout our marriages, because it is part of what keeps our marriages good. And it is so very important for our husbands.

If you’re married to a guy who doesn’t want sex, I know that is so humiliating and discouraging, and I have a series of posts on that here. But if he’s the one who wants it more, I want to encourage you to think of sex not as something that you do for him, but as something that you do for both of you. It will bring you closer together. It helps him feel closer to you, but it also helps you feel more positively about him. It helps you to sleep better. It helps you feel more invigorated about life. It keeps you happier.

It may seem difficult to get to the point where you see sex as something beneficial for you, and not just for him, and we’ll talk about how to get there tomorrow. But for today, honestly ask yourself this question, “do I treat sex like I’m doing him a favor?” And if the answer is yes, then examine your heart and start praying that God will help you to see things differently–that this is something that you do for both of you, because it helps you, too!

Still 30% off at Amazon!

And remember–my book, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, takes you through so many issues so that by the end you really do see sex as something exciting that you want to embrace, too! If that seems farfetched, I encourage you to read it anyway, because I do think this can give so many people a new lease on their marriages.

Now, do you have any advice for us today? Or what do you think about how we can encourage each others’ marriages? Just link up a marriage post in the linky tools below! And be sure to link back here so others can read some great marriage advice, too!

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Wifey Wednesday: Just Say Yes
Wifey Wednesday: It’s Not all About You
Wifey Wednesday: Women Are Not Like Slow Cookers

Are Stay at Home Moms More Depressed?

Via Hot Air, Gallup recently published a study showing that stay-at-home moms are more depressed at every income level. They’re more worried, more stressed, and angrier.

What’s up?

Over at Hot Air, they’re trying to explain it by income: if you stay at home, you’re poorer than you otherwise would be, so of course you’d be more stressed.

But that can’t be the whole answer, so they’re asking the question: what else is it?

I think it’s rather obvious. You’re more depressed because you’re with children all the time, you don’t get a break, the work is never done, and you get little adult interaction. Kids squabble. They puke. If you try to keep the house clean, it’s a never ending job. You could start to vacuum only to turn around and find a 3-year-old is trailing behind you munching through a box of crackers. And nobody is standing behind you saying, “Wow, that is a clean pot. You really washed that pot like a pro! I’m so impressed with that pot.”

At work we get stimulation. We get other people telling us we did a good job. We get a sense that our task is finished and we can move on to the next task. Anyone who has ever said, “today, I’m going to get through all the laundry in the house” knows that this is an impossibility. The laundry is never all done.

And when you stay at home, you don’t get to sit down and take a break. Kids even want to come into the bathroom with you! You’re tired. You’re overworked. And no one tells you what a great job you’re doing. So of course we’re going to register higher stress!

But here’s the thing:

We should not decide what to do based on whether or not it will give us the least amount of stress. We should decide what to do based on our values, not our feelings.

Just because staying at home is stressful does not mean it’s not worthwhile. It also does not mean there aren’t incredible benefits. Yes, it’s more stressful, but it also gives us those wonderful moments when someone cuddles up and says, “I love you, Mommy.” It gives us those amazing moments of outings to the library, where we all giggled and read books. It gives us wonderful times of bonding with each other. It gives us pillow fights.

And at the end of it, you get to look back and say, “I made a difference.” You can see it in your kids.

Does this mean every woman should stay at home? I wouldn’t say that, although I do have serious reservations about day care centres. But what I do believe is that the fact that it is stressful should not mean that we choose to not do it.

That seems to be the conclusion of the study, and those commenting on it are treating the study like it’s radioactive. “Shoot! We conservatives have been saying it’s wonderful to stay at home, and now it turns out it’s more stressful!”

Yes, but you’re measuring apples and oranges. It may be more stressful, but it’s still wonderful. It’s just simply hard work.



But when has being hard come to mean that we don’t do it? Just because something is harder doesn’t mean we should steer clear.

We seem to have this idea in our society that people should do the easiest thing, the most fun thing, the least stressful thing. That’s not the biblical way of looking at it. The Bible tells us to do the right thing. It tells us to seek God’s will. It tells us to be concerned, first and foremost, with people’s souls, not with money, or with prestige, or with standing in this world. It tells us to look to permanent things, not to temporary ones.

I’m pretty sure that the route that was chosen by many of those early Christians was far more stressful than the lives they had before. They left their homes and became missionaries, and quite frequently martyrs. They went to strange lands that didn’t welcome them. But they did it because God called them.

So I don’t take this study to mean, “Oh, my goodness, if it’s more stressful, maybe women shouldn’t do it!” I take this study to mean, “Of course it’s more stressful. But that just means we have to make sure we surround ourselves with support systems, and go to God to make sure that this is what He’s calling us to, so we don’t second guess ourselves. But lives are not about leisure; they’re about meaning and purpose. So decide what has the most meaning and purpose for you.”

And I really am okay with that.

What about you? Do you find staying home more stressful? Or was it easier to stay at home than to work outside the home? Let me know in the comments!

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Related posts:

Stay at Home Moms “Don’t Work a Day in their Lives”. Really?
Stay at Home Moms are Busy, Too
Why I’m at Home

Swap Baby-Sitting for Cheap Date Night!

We’ve been talking for a while on this blog about how to have a cheap date night, and I commented that one way that we could all support each others’ marriages was to help watch people’s kids so they could get some time alone.

Megan G., one of my regular readers, sent information about a baby-sitting coop she’s involved in that sounds really neat. You can set one up online, or see existing ones, through Helping Heroes here, but if you want to start one just within your church or group of friends, here are the basic rules Megan explained:

What we do in our group is that everyone starts with 30 hours.  To leave the group, you have to have 30 hours.  So, 30 hours is sort of considered “even.”  If I watch my friend Jen’s kids for 3 hours, I get 3 points (and she’d lose 3 points), so then I’d have 33.  If my friend Angie watches my kids for 4 hours, I’d lose 4 points (and she’d get 4 points), so I’d have 29 hours.  When I go put in a time that I need a sitter, I can choose to send it to everyone in the group, or I can choose to just send it to a few people.  That feature was nice when I was pregnant and my doctor’s office is only close to a couple of my friends, so I would only send it to them.  It has worked great for us!  We’ve been using it about a year and a half.

 I followed up and asked her, what if one person has three kids under three and one has only one? Do  you still use the same number of points? She replied that they do in their group, but I suppose if someone were making it up from scratch for their church, you could factor that in.

So there you go, readers! That’s a great idea, and a way to help each other out and get some free time yourself, too. Why not try it?

What have you done to get a cheap date night, or cheap child care? Let me know in the comments!

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Date Night
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Wifey Wednesday: How Important is a Date Night?

Reader Question of the Week

Every weekend I like to throw up a question someone sends in and let you readers have a go at it. Here’s a difficult one, and I’d like to write a major post series on women walking through problems like this one. But before I do, I want to see what you think, because I’m sure some of you have some great insights I haven’t thought of yet!

My husband had to quit work a while back because of a health issue. That issue is now resolved, but he doesn’t seem to have any motivation to try to find work again. He’s perfectly happy sitting around all day. My sons, who are in their twenties, are also still living with us and don’t have motivation to do anything, either. I work part-time and I’m desperately trying to keep us afloat, but I can’t keep this up, and I don’t know what we’ll do for retirement. How do I get my husband to start being a man again?

Tough question! Do any of you have any encouragement or advice for this woman?

Leave your thoughts in the comments!



And don’t forget: The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex makes a great gift for any woman about to get married. So if you’re going to a bridal shower this spring, bring it along! .

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Reader Question of the Week: What Should This Frustrated Husband Do?
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Reader Question of the Week: Can Things Get Better?

Reach Out and Touch Someone

Every Friday my syndicated column appears in a bunch of newspapers in southeastern Ontario and Saskatchewan. Here’s this week’s! It’s bad in Canada; but this situation is even worse in the United States, since university costs so much more there (no idea why).

As a card-carrying fuddy duddy, I can rattle off a multitude of reasons why our culture is going downhill. And chief among them is technology. We text at the dinner table instead of talking. We play video games and lose out on relationships. We find our community on Facebook rather than in real life.

And yet as much as I bemoan the downsides of technology, I’m a tech fan and a tech addict myself.

When my grandfather was 67 he had a massive stroke that paralyzed his left side. For the next twenty-five years my mother and my aunts were constantly trying to drum up things this once active man could do to amuse himself as he sat in his nursing home. And one thing Grandpa loved to do was read.

Unfortunately, holding a book and turning a page when you only have one hand is awfully difficult. And reading is also difficult when you have major glaucoma. To make matters worse, large print books are extremely bulky, thus compounding that hard-to-turn-the-page problem.

He died about a decade ago now, so he did not live long enough to see the absolute miracle that Steve Jobs created in the iPad. Certainly it’s wonderful for keeping toddlers entertained in doctor’s offices, or for looking at pictures or browsing the internet. But when I think of what joy he could have gotten out of it by allowing him to read easily, I tear up. Turn the page by swishing across that screen. Make the print bigger automatically by moving your fingers. It would have enhanced his quality of life so substantially.

Do you know what else has the capacity to enhance grandparents’ quality of life? Skype. Even if you live across the country, you can watch grandkids grow. You can even read bedtime stories! I met one set of grandparents who were “baby-sitting” remotely. Their grandkids were 10 and 12 and could be home alone, but their dad was deployed and their mom worked long hours. So the grandparents would talk to the kids before they went to school, helping them with last minute homework and telling them what to pack for lunch. And they’d check in as soon as they got home, debriefing on their day. It made mom feel more secure, too.

Skype helps our armed forces personnel stay connected to those they’ve left behind at home, too. My girls even find that they’re able to keep close with friends from other cities because of Skype calls. When I was a teen and I met a friend at camp, or at a conference, I may have bonded with them, but the relationship was very short-lived. Phone calls were too expensive and letters were a pain. But today, the majority of my kids’ Facebook and Skype connections don’t even live near here.

One of Facebook’s biggest benefits to me is keeping up with friends and family who have moved away. Indeed, I often feel closer to more distant relatives I’ve “friended” on Facebook than I do to closer relatives who aren’t on the network. With Facebook I can easily keep up with their news, see pictures of their kids growing, and hear about their joys and sorrows and even quirky senses of humour.

Back in the 1980s, Bell began an advertising campaign calling on people to “reach out and touch someone” through phone calls. Today we really can, and it’s all through the internet. Yes, we need to guard against technology encroaching on our real life, but technology itself is not the enemy. And I, personally, would not turn back the clock to the days of rotary dial party lines and bulky, large-print books for anything.

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Are Boys Growing Up Without Men?

How do boys learn to be men? By seeing what other men do.

Yet what if there are very few men around?

Recently, on the blog Traditional Christianity, Alte wrote this about her son:

Within our family men still play a strong role, and the Catholic Church still has male leadership, so we are lucky. But other than his male relatives and the priests, men are a complete no-show. He can pass them in the street, or see them drive by in their trucks, but that is about all. Men are increasingly an oddity; a bit of a freak-show.

Women are the norm, and boys are limited to measuring themselves against their mommy or mommies, which leads to effeminacy (emulating women) or machismo (doing the opposite of women), rather than the healthy and balanced masculinity that men once handed down to the youth. This is the precise opposite of the manner in which the sexes used to be separated and mommies were useful for figuring out what women are like.

My son’s catechism teacher, his gym coach, his school teachers, choir leader, his swim coach, his bus driver, etc. are all women. Every last one. Even our “mail man” is a “mail woman”. The only non-family man he interacts with is the milk delivery man, and I suppose it’s only a matter of time before men are driven out of that business, as well. There used to be a man next door whom he’d help with wood-chopping or playing with his dogs, but his wife has thrown him out, so he’s gone now too.

I do think that this is a problem, and I’ve written about it before. Our church has instituted “Plan to Protect” rules to keep kids safe from potential predators, but also the church safe from lawsuits. And the hoops we have to jump through are excessive. We can’t drive kids in cars unless two unrelated adults of opposite genders are present. We can’t teach kids unless two unrelated adults are in the room. Etc. Etc.

I think what this does is make men less likely to want to volunteer. It’s a hassle. And would you always want to be under suspicion? So why would a male go into teaching primary school? Or why would a male volunteer anywhere with kids anymore? You may as well put a target on your back.

I know there are good safety issues for many of these things, but let’s not pretend that what we’ve created is good for kids, either. It is not healthy for boys to grow up in an almost entirely female world.

I don’t have boys, but I’m curious what some of you who have boys think. And when we look at how much more disengaged boys are becoming from school, I do fear for our future.

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Wifey Wednesday: Supporting Friends’ Marriages

It’s Wednesday, which means it’s time for a marriage post and link-up party! I’ll write a post about marriage, and then you all can link up one of your own below!

Today I don’t want to talk about your marriage. I want to talk about those marriages around us.

Marriage is a public good. Society does better when more people are married. People are more emotionally stable. Families are healthier. Children fare better. And there’s less heartache when people are in stable relationships.

God designed marriage as the first and most important earthly relationship. And so we shouldn’t take it lightly.

Yet while we all know we have an obligation to keep our own marriages strong, do we realize that we also play a role in other people’s marriages?

I’ve been at weddings where the pastor has asked the congregation members to vow to uphold this couple: to pray for them, encourage them, and support them. I like that, because it recognizes that marriage is also a community responsibility.

Yesterday, after my post about what to do when your husband announces he’s having an affair, a woman wrote and asked, “what do you do when your best friend is the one having the affair on her husband?” And it got me thinking that too often we live solitary lives, not really “interfering” in other people’s marriages because we don’t want to seem to meddle. So here are some thoughts on how we can live out the responsibility to help everyone’s marriages:

1. Be a Mentor

It is so important to have someone that you are mentoring. If you know a young couple who has just gotten married, reach out and ask them for dinner. Have coffee with the wife. Offer to pray with her. Often people don’t ask for mentors, so take the step and help someone! Or lead a Bible study for young married couples. That’s an invaluable help, too!

2. Watch How You Talk about Marriage

If you start complaining about your husband, you give other women permission to complain about theirs. It’s not good to complain about your husband in the first place, but I wonder how many of us realize that when we do that, we’re also hurting other people’s marriages? If, when you’re talking to other women, you denigrate your husband, then you give those women the impression, “it’s okay to think badly of my husband. It’s okay to put him down.” And what you talk about, you think about. The more you talk negatively, the more you think negatively.

Make a habit of praising your husband to other women, though, and you give the opposite impression: “it’s important to uphold marriage in how we talk.” That’s good!

3. Establish Boundaries

Make boundaries with the opposite sex, and stick to them. Try, as much as possible, not to be alone with a man who isn’t your husband, unless you can’t avoid it at work. Here’s why this is important: let’s say that you’re not worried at all about you straying, because your relationship is 100% great with your husband. But you worship lead on a praise team, and your co-leader is a guy. And you start getting together with him to plan the upcoming service every Tuesday night.

Now, nothing is happening between the two of you. You don’t think about him that way at all–and he doesn’t think of you that way at all, either. Occasionally you text him when an idea pops into your head, and it’s totally harmless

But you’ve now given him the impression that it’s normal to text other women and to be alone with other women. And so you’ve lowered his boundaries. It’s now easier for him to start texting someone at work, or to start talking to someone at work, or to have lunch with a woman at work. Not good.

The vast majority of affairs that start begin perfectly innocently over a friendship. Don’t put yourself in that position, but also support others who are trying to maintain boundaries so that they won’t fall with someone else.

4. Trade Baby-Sitting

Help other couples with a date night by baby-sitting sometimes!

And now for the hard ones:

5. Confront Lovingly

If you see a friend starting to go down a dangerous road (like texting a guy from work), tell her to stop. Don’t shy away from confrontation because you want to be polite. Tell her it’s dangerous and she shouldn’t do it.

I remember hearing the story of a trucker who often drove with this other guy in tandem. At a certain stop the guy had a “woman” that he would visit. My friend (the first trucker) knew his friend’s wife well. And he was not impressed. So one day he told the guy, “stop it, or I’ll tell your wife.” And when the guy refused to stop, my friend decked him. And the guy stopped the affair.

Now, I’m not recommending cat fights. But there are times when confrontation is likely necessary. Think of the heartache you’ll all go through if the relationship progresses.

And confront, too, even if it’s not an issue of infidelity. When I was speaking recently, a woman came up to me afterwards and asked about her best friend, who hadn’t had sex for over a year. She’d been withholding because she had a baby and was sick of the whole thing. This woman who was asking my advice was very worried for her friend, and she ended up buying The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and writing down several resources that I also recommended (including some blog posts). That’s a good friend.

If you have a friend who is acting very counter-productively in her marriage, either by putting the kids first, or ignoring her husband, or being too busy, or whatever, find a way to gently tell her. Don’t judge her. Tell her what you do wrong, too. Ask her to hold you accountable as well. Pray a ton about it. But do confront her. We all need that sometimes.

We tend to shy away from this sort of thing in our culture because it’s not polite, and we don’t want to be seen as holier than thou. But then why are we surprised when relationships break down? If we’re afraid to step in early, when relationships can be rescued, then what good is real friendship?

6. Don’t Accept a Split

Finally, if your friend announces she’s leaving the marriage, here’s the strategy I would use to help her stay. It’s a longer post, and I won’t repeat it here, but do go read it. It’s all about how to start a conversation so she’s more likely to stay (because frequently our strategies are wrong).

Marriage is too important to let friends give up on. Let’s root for them, as they root for us, and create a community that really cherishes marriage.



Now, do you have any advice for us today? Or what do you think about how we can encourage each others’ marriages? Just link up a marriage post in the linky tools below! And be sure to link back here so others can read some great marriage advice, too!

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Related posts:

Wifey Wednesday: A Rant on Those Who Desert Their Marriages
Wifey Wednesday: Christians Do Have Unhappy Marriages
Wifey Wednesday: Successful Sex for Long Distance Marriages

What to Do When You Discover Your Husband’s Having an Affair

It’s a cliche to say “it could happen to anyone”, but I do believe that’s true. While affairs may be more likely to happen in relationships that are distant, that have unresolved conflict, or that have tension sexually, they’re not confined to those relationships. A while ago I wrote how emotional affairs especially can pop up at work, or anywhere men and women naturally spend extended time together.

That’s not to say we should all be paranoid. But I do believe that when a friend or acquaintance announces that her husband has had an affair, we shouldn’t assume that the friend did something wrong. I have seen affairs happen after couples have put a lot of work into their relationships. It isn’t always straightforward.

And so today I’d like to talk to the women who find themselves in that position (and even if you’re not there, please read along, because chances are all of us know someone who will walk through this one day).

1. Surround Yourself with Help

You’re going to be devastated when your husband confesses this to you. Sometimes we don’t want to tell anyone because we’re hoping it will all go away; he’ll wake up and realize what a mistake he’s making, and then we can just go forward like nothing happened. Don’t do that. You really need some help. You need someone to talk with, and someone to pray with, and someone who will support you in your feelings.

When you feel sad and betrayed, you tend to want to go to your husband with those feelings because he’s usually the one you talk to about important things. Find someone else. You need to get some perspective.

2. Realize This Doesn’t Mean the Marriage is Over

Here’s the most important thing: while Jesus allowed divorce in the case of infidelity, he did not command it. And I know many couples who have survived affairs and emerged strong from it (I won’t say they’ve emerged better, because I don’t believe that; but I do think that God brought good out of the situation and helped them cling together).

One couple I know ended up separating for a year and a half. He needed some time to get his head on straight, and once he did, he realized he didn’t want to lose his family. It took a long time for his wife to trust him again, but she was eventually able to. That was over fourteen years ago now, and they’re doing great.

Sometimes, too, affairs haven’t even been consummated. Maybe he’s announced that he’s “in love” with someone, and doesn’t know what to do. Physical affairs often begin as emotional affairs, and if he feels “in love”, he may think he needs to confess. But that doesn’t mean that he will necessarily act on it.

That’s why it’s important to look at the individual situation. Is your husband following Christ? Is he open to the Holy Spirit? Is this out of character for him, or is it another in a long line of affairs? Does he check out every woman and make comments about women’s appearance, or has he generally stayed faithful in mind and body beforehand?

Sometimes an affair will signal the end of the marriage, especially if a guy never really has been fully faithful. But other times it’s a mistake that he’s made, and he’s really confused, and really hurting, and it won’t mean that the marriage is over. So do not despair!

3. Take Stock of Your Anger

Now it’s time to deal with the anger that you’re feeling. In some cases, it’s not the affair that leads to the divorce; it’s the anger of the other partner. He confesses, and a big part of him wants the marriage to work, even if he can’t bring himself to say that because he’s so confused. But in her anger she pushes him away and decides that she can never trust him again.

Anger is real. Anger is even justified, I believe, when someone has betrayed you like that. But don’t make decisions in your anger, and, as much as possible, try not to push him away because of your anger. Talk to someone else about your anger. Try to work through it with a mentor. Anger is not a good partner for making decisions.

4. Focus on the Children

When you’re both confused and hurt, the thing that it’s easy to talk about is the affair itself. How could he do this? Why her? Is she better than me?

While there is a time and a place for that, it’s often better to work through the whys and the hows of the affair after you’ve made the decision whether or not you’re going to stay together.

So let’s talk about something on which you have common ground, and which can rescue the relationship: namely, the children. I wrote a post a while back on what to say to a friend who is contemplating leaving her husband. And I suggested that you steer clear of the affair, because she can justify that in her mind, and focus on the kids. Do you really want to do this to the kids? Do we want to put them through this?

Talk about what you’d like for the kids, and how you’d like them to grow up. And then perhaps it will be easier for him to choose to stay.

5. Don’t Be a Doormat

Finally, don’t be a doormat. While some women react in anger, others do the opposite, essentially saying, “I’ll do anything as long as you stay.” That’s not healthy for the relationship, and it’s likely to backfire, for one simple reason: you can’t respect a doormat. In order for him to stay, he has to want to be with you. He isn’t going to want to be with someone he can’t respect.

The best book I have ever read on this subject is Love Must Be Tough by James Dobson. It walks through how to save a marriage when only one partner wants it saved, usually because the other partner is having an affair. And he goes through the feelings that you’ll experience, shows you how to run to God with your issues, how to find your own pride and your own identity once again as you turn to God in prayer, and shows the most successful route for saving a marriage. He believes that entails allowing the wayward spouse to experience the full consequences of his actions. So rather than lying over and taking whatever he brings in his confusion, you draw clear boundaries. I highly recommend it.

I get emails every week from women who have discovered their husbands are having affairs. Some of these are online relationships; some are at work; some are at church. Some of the scenarios I read and think, “that doesn’t sound like there’s much hope (outside of a miracle)”. This is a pattern for him (and often extended even before the wedding). But others I read and think, “that could be rebuilt”.

If you ever hear that devastating news, I just pray that you will find yourself someone to talk to, read the book, and then pray about what course you will pursue. Reconciliation, if possible, is usually the best option, for you and your kids. But it is not always the best option. And whichever route God leads you through, He will always be there to carry you.

UPDATE: A reader rightly pointed out that I should have had a sixth point, namely, pray! Of course! So sorry. I assumed it throughout the points, but I should have been more up front. But prayer is so needful, especially in these hard times. This is one of those things that you can’t logically think through or logically figure out what to do, because there’s so much going on you can’t see. You need God to work–not just on your husband, but also on you to give you strength to do what’s necessary, in whatever direction. So pray! God will show up.

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Related posts:

The Right Kind of Fight
Wifey Wednesday: Why We Fight
Wifey Wednesday: How to Stop an Emotional Affair

Mother’s Day Reflections

A few things that were sent to me for Mother’s Day. First, to take you back in a time machine, here’s a clip from The Cosby Show at its best. It was shown at an event I spoke at on Saturday night, and as soon as I got home I showed it to my family. It’s awfully funny:

And now for something completely different.

Do you know what a fistula is? It’s an endemic health problem women face across the Third World, and it happens because of lack of obstetrical care. Basically, when you’re in labour, you get a bad tear on your vagina which goes all the way through to your urethra or even your anus. And because of that tear, fluids (and other things) can start coming out of your vagina and you have no control over it. So you become a pariah to your community, because you stink, and it’s often assumed that God cursed you.

The problem is far worse among the very young moms, whose bodies just aren’t ready for labour.

Here’s a story of a 13-year-old who was raped, and faced labour alone for three days until she delivered a stillborn baby. And she had a huge fistula.

Mahabouba smelled foul, and villagers thought she had been cursed by God. They put her in a hut at the edge of the village and took off the door — so the hyenas would get her that night.

When the hyenas came, Mahabouba used a stick to fend them off. The next morning she set off crawling to get to an American missionary who lived more than 30 miles away. The missionary took her to the Addis Ababa Fistula Hospital, where she met Steven Arrowsmith, an American urologist from Grand Rapids, Mich.

It’s the story of Christian missionary doctors who have gone to Africa to help treat this horrible problem–and surgery can fix it.

The story focused on Steven Arrowsmith, but I have a friend doing a similar thing in Uganda, Jean Froese, and she’s started a charity called Save the Mothers, which helps women suffering from pregnancy-related problems. If you’re feeling especially grateful this Mother’s Day, it would be wonderful to spread some of that gratitude to other mothers who don’t have what we do.

I have had difficult labours. I simply cannot imagine going through labour alone, as a teenage girl. And yet millions upon millions of women do that every year. We are so, so blessed, even those of us who are going through relationship difficulties. And reading that article reminded me of it once again, and so I thought I would share it with you.

I hope you had a wonderful day yesterday with your families. I certainly did, and I am grateful once again for all God has given me.

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Related posts:

It Only Takes a Second…
Thoughts on Feminism

Reader Question of the Week: Can Things Get Better?

Every weekend I like to throw up a question someone sends in and let you readers have a go at it. Here’s a difficult one, and I’ve received about 4 versions of this question this week. I’m hoping that some of you who have walked through this can give these women some encouragement. Here’s a composite of their emails:

We’ve been married for a few years now, and I honestly don’t enjoy sex. I find it rather disgusting. I don’t want to be like this; I desperately want to have a great marriage. I know I’m hurting my husband. I can try to “throw myself into it” but my body just doesn’t follow. It’s like I shut down. What should I do?

Great question! And a really tough one. I know so many of you have experienced this, but many of you have also come out on the other side. If that’s your story, can you give them some encouragement?

Leave your thoughts in the comments!



And don’t forget: The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex makes a great gift for any woman about to get married. So if you’re going to a bridal shower this spring, bring it along! And it makes a great Mother’s Day gift to yourself, as well! I’m sure your husband won’t mind .

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Related posts:

Reader Question of the Week: How do I Convince My Husband I Want to Change?
Reader Question of the Week: My Husband Stays Up So Much Later than I do
Reader Question of the Week: Help! We Live with Extended Family!