Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 273

The Mommy Wars

Every Friday my syndicated column appears in a bunch of newspapers in southeastern Ontario and Saskatchewan. Here’s a follow up based on my popular blog post last Thursday! It’s got both American and Canadian political references, so I’m sure to lose some of you. But I think you’ll understand the sentiment.



Last week Democratic strategist and communications specialist Hilary Rosen decided to torpedo her career by saying of Ann Romney that she had “never worked a day in her life”, despite the fact that Ms. Romney had raised five boys as a stay at home mom.

It was a profoundly stupid thing to say, and she was denounced quickly. But the damage was still done.  And as a stay at home, I have to admit that I get pretty riled up by statements like that.

Those accusing stay at home moms of having it easy have probably never had to care for toddlers while they themselves had a fever of 102. They probably never had to occupy three children under five in a grocery store. They probably never experienced the desperation of trying to get the toddler to nap while the baby naps so that maybe, just maybe, I could please oh please oh please get 15 minutes to myself today.

Yes, stay at home moms work. But then, so do other moms. Those who have to squeeze in quality time at night, when they’re trying to get dinner ready and read stories and cuddle work, too.  And those who try to work opposite shifts with their spouses also work hard. And let’s not forget single moms—and single dads—who bear the parenting stresses alone. All these lifestyles are all-encompassing and exhausting, because parenting is all-encompassing and exhausting. Parents work.

Yet now the political commentary is focusing on “The Mommy Wars”, as if women are at war with each other. I don’t think that’s true at all. The problem is not women at large; the problem is people like Hilary Rosen who choose to recognize only one legitimate form of mothering. I don’t believe that we would have Mommy Wars if political parties would just stop trying to pit one side against the other.

What exactly are stay at home moms supposed to think, for instance, when they hear that the Liberals want to devote a billion dollars a year towards their Early Childhood Initiative? The Liberals want to help early childhood learning, but their definition of learning is curious. Those weekly trips I took to the library, starting when my oldest was nine months old, where we would read six books and then take dozens home, don’t count. Those treks I would take with my girls to a farm in downtown Toronto (yes, there honestly is one) where we would talk about sheep and goats and cows and pigs don’t count. All the counting we would do when the girls helped me fold laundry by finding pairs for socks and folding pillowcases into fourths don’t count.

Real early childhood learning, apparently, consists of taking your child to an early childhood learning facility, where government employees work their magic.  And provincial liberals believe the same thing, expanding full-day kindergarten to kids as young as three, but ignoring the work that stay-at-home parents do.

Moms work. All moms. Stay at home parents understand that, and we don’t want to be at war with other moms. In fact, one of our bedrock principles is that parents know best what is right for their families, and so parents should get to choose. But we get really upset when political parties try to boost families where both parents work outside the home but ignore families where only one parent does.

Too much of politics is trying to buy votes by supporting certain blocs at the expense of others. Why not just concentrate on growing the economy, rather than trying to bribe voters, and in the process saddling our kids with tons of debt? Support families, and then let those families make their own choices. We know best, not government. So stop trying to manipulate mommies.

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Related posts:

Stay at Home Moms are Busy, Too
How to Make Money as a SAHM
Stay at Home Moms “Don’t Work a Day in their Lives”. Really?

Works for Me Wednesday Ebook & Giveaway

Ever wondered how to clean makeup brushes? How to tie a scarf? How to tell your kids about sex, clean your house in under 10 minutes, or host a birthday party for a 16-year-old?

No matter what your homemaking or family relationship question, Works for Me Wednesday, from We are THAT Family, always had great tips! And now Kristen and her friend Jennifer have published That Works for Me, an ebook with over 800 of the best entries.

I have a little soft spot in my heart for Works for me Wednesday, because when I started this blog back in 2008, that’s how I got most of my traffic. I’d post a Works for Me Wednesday post, link it up on Wednesday morning, and watch the traffic come in. And many of those visitors stayed, and became regular readers. So I really feel like Works for Me Wednesday started off my little blog.

One of the beneficial things about link up parties online is that you meet all kinds of other bloggers. That’s how I got familiar with Kristen, and with Courtney from Women Living Well, and even other marriage bloggers. And that’s what I’ve always wanted for Wifey Wednesday, too, that people would meet others who are also talking about marriage and supporting marriage. So if you’re a blogger, and you’ve been wondering about how to get more traffic, I encourage you to link up to Wifey Wednesday, or to Works for Me Wednesday, or any of the other link up parties you see. They really do help you build community online!

When Kristen decided to collect hundreds of the best Works for Me Wednesday tips, she created 25 categories of helpful tips, of which marriage was one. And she decided to highlight me as the marriage blogger! Woo hoo! So I’m featured prominently in the e-book. In fact, she used five of my entries–4 on marriage, and one on organization. So she asked me to be one of the “stops” on her blog tour in April where she’s telling everybody about this great new resource.

Kristen writes,

This e-book offers a categorized, organized place for more than 800 practical, “aha!” tips to make your life run smoother. That Works For Me! is a celebration of the WFMW community, with tips from hundreds of different blogs.

It won’t organize your linen closets or remove stains, but this e-book will offer you a good place to start. We’ve searched and compiled and created an organized e-book with 24 popular categories, featuring the best of tips in each group.

The ebook is only $8.00, and it’s well worth your money. It’s so well organized, and you can find just about any tip (and you can find tips you didn’t even realize you needed!).

And Kristen has told me I can offer my readers $1.00 off! Just use the coupon code “SAVE1″ when you purchase.

And now I have some fun giveaway news: I’m going to be drawing three winners for a copy of That Works for Me! Just enter in Rafflecopter below. I’ll announce the winners Monday morning. But Kristen is also giving away $150 towards hiring someone to clean your house this month! All you have to do is visit That Works for Me and submit a tip.

I know there are tons of ebooks out there, but I really like this one because it’s filled with so many goodies! And it’s a great chance to find new bloggers. So fill up your Kindle (or you can download onto your computer to read!).

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You need javascript enabled to see this giveaway.And now, it’s great to have so many new people joining me today! I do write primarily about marriage, and if you want to check me out, my 29 Days to Great Sex is a great place to start! I also have my own contest running right now where you can win ME coming to speak at your church–For FREE!

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Works for Me Wednesday: Getting Kids to Pick Up Their Stuff
Works for Me Wednesday: Getting Laundry Under Control
Works for Me Wednesday: Getting Active as a Family

Wifey Wednesday: Don’t Just Lie There–Say Something!

It’s Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you follow up either by commenting or by writing your own post and then linking up!



Are you shy?

I don’t mean scared at parties. I mean, do you have difficulty letting your husband know what feels good in bed?

[image error] Photo Credit: Meredith Farmer via Compfight

Even saying that probably made some of you blush! After all, sex isn’t really something we talk about very much. And it’s kind of embarrassing to actually tell someone–even if it’s your husband–what you’re feeling in that department. It feels somehow, well, wrong.

But it’s not!



It’s just part of being intimate.

Sometimes being intimate is something you have to grow into. It’s not something you all of a sudden learn as soon as you get married. We grow up knowing that sex is not talked about in polite conversation; we grow up assuming that good girls don’t talk about it; and if we don’t talk about it, we don’t FEEL it. We don’t have those feelings at all.

But we do! Even if it’s hard to tell him.

So take a deep breath with me, because I’m going to ask you to do something scary. I’m going to ask you to actually speak up.

That can be hard to do, because you may not actually know what you like. Many women don’t. And here’s part of the problem: when we get married, we don’t actually know how to touch each other well. Men tend to like touch to be rougher; women tend to like it lighter. So when he touches you, chances are he’s too rough. When you touch him, you may be too light.

What that means for you, though, is that he may touch you, and you may think, “Oh, that doesn’t feel good. I guess I don’t like that.” But maybe you do. He may just not know how to touch you, and you may not know how to show him.

Then you get in this habit where he’s impatient to “get on with it”, and you figure you may as well, because other things aren’t feeling good anyway. And so sex becomes blah.

Don’t settle for that! You were made to feel pleasure. Sex is supposed to feel good for you, not just for him. And when you feel good, it’s more of a mutual experience. It feels more intimate. And he will enjoy it more, too.

Some guys don’t always understand this, because they figure you should be able to get turned on just through intercourse, the way they do. If you don’t, there must be something wrong with you. Nope. There isn’t. It’s just that you require different kinds of stimulation.

During my 29 Days to Great Sex, if you worked through it from beginning to end, you did some exercises to discover what you actually like, and to show your husband the benefits of taking some time to touch you. But if you haven’t done that, here’s how to start:

Take a timer, and set it for 10 minutes (or 15, if you’re up for it). And ask him to touch you for that whole time. You can’t get “to the main event” yet. You have to just touch, because many women take a while to be able to relax enough to actually feel good.

Then, just concentrate on how it’s feeling. If he’s doing something too roughly, you have two choices: guide his hand and show him how it feels better, or tell him. Saying nothing is not an option, okay?

And then just FEEL.

Once you know what you like, then from now on, when you make love, take his hand and show him. That’s not being mean. It’s not being selfish. It’s not being demanding. It’s simply trying to make the experience mutual. And he’ll likely interpret that as you being excited about the whole thing, which can, in turn, be exciting for him.

Don’t be embarrassed. You’re supposed to have feelings. It’s supposed to feel good. And if you’re still scared to talk to him, here are some ways to make it a little easier (and giggle along the way):

1. Ask him to read this post

2. Throw a towel over your head and then tell him (if you just can’t look him in the eye)

3. Lie in the bathtub together, spooning, so that you can talk without having to look at his face.

4. Climb under the covers, giggling, and then tell  him.

5. Leave him a note.

It doesn’t matter how you communicate; just do something! Ready?

Don’t miss my contest! If you like my writings on marriage & intimacy, I would love to come and host a Girl Talk night at your church–for free! Enter here.

Now it’s your turn! Do you have marriage thoughts for us today? Write your own Wifey Wednesday post that links back to here, and then leave the link of THAT POST in the Mcklinky below. Thanks!

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Related posts:

Wifey Wednesday: When Sex Doesn’t Feel That Great
Wifey Wednesday: Knowing His Love Language
29 Days to Great Sex Day 15: What is Foreplay?

Sex is Awesome in Marriage–But It Takes a While to Get There

[image error] Photo Credit: Hamed Masoumi via Compfight

Yesterday I recorded a radio interview with a Christian station in Ottawa, and as the host and I were talking, one of the subjects that came up was that for many women, sex just isn’t that great at the beginning of the marriage.

We touched on that a bit in last week’s posts about how to hit the reset button on your sex life, but I want to delve into this a little further today and then offer some encouragement.

Here’s one of the problems we women have starting marriage: we have nothing to compare sex to except for movies and our husbands. It’s not like we really know what’s going on in anyone else’s bedroom, so we look at movies, where women are aroused and excited from the get go, and always have a wonderful time. And then we look at our husbands, who are similarly aroused and excited from the get go, and don’t usually take very long to reach climax.

And we think that’s “normal”. So when we take a long time, we figure there’s something wrong with us.

Here’s how it often goes: we start to touch each other, and we women are a little nervous. We’re not sure exactly what we want. But it’s obvious that our husbands are ready for the main event. Maybe he tries to touch you to make you feel good, but it’s not really working. You don’t know why; it’s just that your body isn’t really responding. What he’s doing feels a little awkward. But he’s obviously impatient, and you start to wonder if your body can even respond anyway, because it just doesn’t seem to.

And you’re embarrassed that nothing is really happening, and so you just say something like, “it’s great honey, let’s go” anyway. And lo and behold, sex feels great for him, but not for you.

After doing this for long enough, you’re now stuck. It’s hard to tell him, “everything we’ve done up until now really hasn’t felt that good”. But you can start the conversation, and I encourage you to read this from last week on how to do so.

But today, let me give you some encouragement, and then tell you where we’re going from here.

For most couples it takes years to make sex work like clockwork, where you’re both enjoying it, and you both climax. It isn’t something that most people experience right off the bat. So there is nothing wrong with you. In fact, even in secular studies, the biggest sexual problem that women under 30 have is that they can’t orgasm during intercourse. This problem diminishes as women get older, showing again that it’s not the bombshells on the magazine covers that are having the most fun; it’s older, married couples!

In my studies that I took for The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, years 16-20 were the sweet spot for how great sex was, although years 11-15 weren’t too bad, either. It honestly does get better.

If I were to have taken that survey at year 4 of marriage, it would have been very different for how I answered at year 16.

So how do things get better? First, men are able to control themselves a little more the longer they’re married. They’re usually not in such a rush. And they genuinely want their wives to experience pleasure. And second, women become not quite so confused or overwhelmed by the whole process, and they find it easier to ask for what they want. They also figure out, eventually, what they want! And both of you get used to each other, don’t tend to take offense as quickly later in marriage, realize that you’re in for the long haul, and so it’s easier to let small things go and just genuinely enjoy each other.

Unfortunately, we don’t tell women this message very much. I think the impression that most people have is that the way sex is at the beginning of the marriage is the way that sex will always be. Instead of seeing sex as a journey, where you’re going to learn how to relate to each other better as the years go by, we think it’s something you either know how to do or you don’t. And so when things don’t work, we think we’re doomed. We think of sex more like a sprint than a marathon. It’s something you should be able to get to and master right away; we don’t realize it’s really quite a long process.

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And we start to believe that sex was made for men, and not for women. We often give up. And we start the whole process of trying to avoid sex or turning our husbands off (did you see that funny video?).

Instead, just believe me when I say this: it does get better. If you haven’t figured out how to get it to work great yet, don’t worry about it. Really. It will not always be this way. Just keep having a good attitude about it, and things will fall into place. And it is not just Christians who have problems in this area, either. In fact, Christians have fewer problems than other people. It’s not like everyone else is having a great time except for you. Most people, at the beginning of a relationship, have trouble getting everything to work well. That’s normal. It doesn’t mean that it CAN’T work well, or that you can’t do anything about it. It’s just that what you’re experiencing is normal.

It can get better.

You were created for pleasure, even if you don’t feel very much right now.

Your body is not dead; you can learn how to feel great!

It takes time for most people; you are not a freak, or abnormal, or frigid.

So relax! And take heart.

Even just this last week, I received an email from a woman who said:

“I worked through your 29 Days to Great Sex, and for the first time in our 9-year marriage I had an orgasm! I’m crying as I type this.”

And hers is just one of dozens like that which I’ve received. It is possible.

Tomorrow, we’re going to talk about how to actually help the process along, and take steps to make it stupendous–even early in your marriage!

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Stay at Home Moms "Don't Work a Day in their Lives". Really?

Last night, on CNN, Democratic spokesperson and strategist Hilary Rosen announced that Ann Romney had "never worked a day in her life."

Now, I don't want to get all political in this post, but what floored me is that someone who is actually paid as a political strategist could not realize what an abominably stupid thing this was to say.

Because we all know that raising five boys doesn't involve work, even if you're battling breast cancer and MS, too. We all know that going to a job is ever so much harder than raising five boys. We all know that stay at home moms have it easy, and that it's working moms who really contribute to society. We all know that stay at home moms are lazy.

Seriously?

The fact that she felt that she could say this without repercussions (she has since had to apologize, and Democrats are scrambling to try to distance themselves from her) shows that to a large proportion of people, that statement is obviously true in on its face. People honestly believe this stuff.

Those are the same people who never had to look after little kids while they themselves had a fever of 102, and they were wondering how they were going to get through the day. These are the same people who never had to occupy a three children under five in a grocery store, trying to keep them all happy. These are the same people who never dealt with trying to get a toddler to nap while the baby naps at the same time so that maybe, just maybe, you could please oh please oh please get 15 minutes to myself today.

I have worked outside the home before I had kids, and let me tell you: I loved my jobs. They were fun to go to. I loved talking to people there. I loved what I did. I loved the challenges that I could set for myself. Working can be fun.

Staying at home can be, too, but it's also so incredibly exhausting. Now, I do believe that working nine hours a day and then coming home and trying to make dinner and get everyone into bed is also exhausting. But it's a different kind of exhausting. There is something uniquely exhausting about never, ever getting a break from a busy 2-year-old.

I'd like to see Hilary Rosen try to get through just one day with five small boys.

But more than that, what does Hilary Rosen think Ann Romney should have done? Mitt Romney was making a good living. Does Hilary think that Ann should have worked nonetheless, because that's what "real" women do? So we should work, even when we don't need the income? That if we stay home with our kids, we somehow "betray the sisterhood" or something?

In polls of what childcare arrangement people think is best for the child, a parent caring for the child always exceeds all others by far. We all know that parent care is the best care, unless you've got a really sketchy parent. So what Hilary Rosen is really saying is that even though parental care is best, and even though the child would do best if the mom were at home, and even though in this particular case Ann Romney didn't need the income from a job that she would have, she should still work. So children's welfare comes way down the list of priorities.

Look, I know some moms need to work outside the home. But in survey after survey, the majority of working moms say that they would be home if they could–or they would at least prefer to work part-time. We know that it's a tension. We know that kids need us. And that's the big reason I decided to stay at home.

And yet, there seems to still be a significant segment of society who doesn't even see that accusing Ann Romney of "not working a day in her life" isn't profoundly dumb. It's like she's insulated from the vast majority of women who understand this tension and experience it everyday.

This kind of thinking drives me nuts, because it shows that some people have no respect for the work involved in raising kids well. When I was first home with my babies, my husband was doing his residency in pediatrics, and at social functions I used to talk with the female residents who had kids (all of whom had hired nannies). And one woman complained to me that her nanny never washed the floors and refused to get dinner ready and wouldn't do the ironing. She said she was too busy with the kids.

And I thought: I'm home all day with my kids and I don't get the ironing done and it's hard for me to get dinner on the table, too. This woman eventually hired a new nanny who did all of those things. But I'm pretty sure the kids just got ignored.

I used to take my children to the library every week for a big outing. And today I have raised teenagers who love to read. We used to go for walks in the park. We used to visit the museum on free Tuesday mornings. We played. We sang songs. We went to play group. They had an incredibly happy childhood, and they learned so much. But it was work, and I was always trying to squeeze in cleaning and cooking. It wasn't easy.

People who think it's easy have prioritized the cleaning over the kids, in my opinion. Sure, you can have a perfect house and perfect meals, but sometimes you have to let some of that go so you can go build a snowman with the children, instead of making them watch videos or play quietly so you can your "real" work done. It doesn't work like that!

So let me ask: do stay at home moms work? And how is it that people believe they can actually say this stuff?

Don't forget to enter my contest where I will come to your church–and speak for free! You can win a "Girl Talk" evening where we talk marriage, intimacy, and fun! Enter here.

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Wifey Wednesday: Do You Try to Avoid Sex?

It's Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you follow up either by commenting or by writing your own post and then linking up!

Today I want to ask a question: Do you try to avoid sex? I know for a significant portion of you, sex is stressful because your husbands don't seem to have any sex drive. I've written posts for you here and here, and I do feel for you! But for many others, we're tired of being pestered.

See if you can relate to this tongue-and-cheek sketch my husband and I filmed:

That was the story of the first few years of my marriage (though I didn't decorate with Tampax!). But I just hated the fights that we would get into if we didn't have sex enough. Or if it wasn't fights, I could still tell he was mad at me, or hurt. And I didn't want him to be hurt, because in my mind what he was saying was, "I love her, but only if we have sex a lot. If we don't have sex very much, then I have to withdraw from her." So I felt like he was punishing me and that his love was conditional.

Of course, I was giving him the same message, because to him, I wasn't loving him, either (because we weren't making love enough). But I still figured that if I could just stop him from expecting anything, then we could get back to a "normal" relationship where we relate in the way that two people who enjoy each other's company should.

I'm not sure I did this consciously; but it certainly happened. I stopped kissing him. I wore really ugly stuff to bed. I complained about how tired I was and what a headache I had constantly (I'm surprised he didn't try to admit to a hospital or something). And to me, it worked.

But here's the problem:

When you spend so long trying to get him turned off, you never have time to figure out if you want to be turned on.

I was so focused on making sure nothing ever happened that I never opened the door, even a crack, to my own sex drive. And then we miss out on intimacy, and fun, and release, and all the good stuff that we can get from sex.

Now, of course, part of the reason that women stop wanting to make love is that for many of us it just doesn't feel very good. I'm going to film a video soon (hopefully tomorrow) talking to men trying to explain this problem. And I'll have some thoughts on how you can communicate this to your husband better, too.

But for many of us, if we decided to jump in with enthusiasm it would feel good, because for women, our sex drives are largely in our heads. We don't tend to be "turned on" before we start making love. We become aroused once we start. And if we make sure we never start, then we're cutting off an important part of our lives.

I received one particular response to a survey question that I asked when writing The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex that has really stood out to me. I even quoted it in the book. The woman said:

My husband of [over a decade] has a very high sex drive. I had no idea before we got married that our sex drives wouldn't be hte same–he says he wouldn't have married me if he'd known. (But really, how was I to know?). And in order to "turn him off", so to speak, and not have him asking twenty times a day, I gained weight. I thought that if I was fat he's leave me alone–really his needs and the constant asking made me feel as though I had no other options. So here I am, obese and a huge disappointment to him. All because I have a low sex drive.

My heart aches for this woman (and her husband), because I don't think it had to be this way. There could have been compromise, and they both could have understood each other's needs better. But I do believe that many women find that "I'll never get turned on as often as my husband", so the answer is to turn him off. But there is another alternative. Why not work on turning ourselves on?

Let's get a positive attitude about sex, and learn how to prepare for sex throughout the day. I've got lots of advice in that post from the 29 Days to Great Sex series on how to do practical things during the day so you're in the right frame of mind later.

So today, here's a challenge for you: If sex has become a source of tension, because he wants it more than you do, then why not spend today trying to get ready for tonight? I wonder what would happen if we spent as much time trying to get ourselves in the mood that we do trying to get our husbands out of it?

Don't miss my contest! If you like my writings on marriage & intimacy, I would love to come and host a Girl Talk night at your church–for free! Enter here.

Now it's your turn! Do you have marriage thoughts for us today? Write your own Wifey Wednesday post that links back to here, and then leave the link of THAT POST in the Mcklinky below. Thanks!

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Wifey Wednesday: Losing the Control Freak Inside You

Contest: I Want to Host a Dynamic Women's Event at Your Church–for Free!

For those of you who are new here, I'm Sheila Wray Gregoire, a speaker and the author of The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex.

And I want to come and speak at your church or group!

Let me explain. I've been speaking at women's retreats and women's outreaches for about a decade now, heading all over North America encouraging women. I've spoken about loss, I've spoken about how to say "God is enough", and I've given women a message of the joy we can experience when our focus is on Jesus, and not on our circumstances.

But as I've spoken and written, I've found that increasingly what women wanted me to talk about was sex. You see, my husband and I also speak together at FamilyLife marriage conferences, and we tended to do the sex talk because other speaker couples were glad to give that one up. And speaking about sex has never been that scary to me.

Still 30% off at Amazon!

Finally, I decided it was time to write a book–but not just any book–on sex. I wanted it to be the kind of book where you feel as if you're talking to your big sister, asking her all the questions you want answers to but you don't know where to go. In The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex, I explain how God created it to bring us together in three ways: emotionally, spiritually, and physically. The problem we face is that our culture has divorced sex from marriage, and thus all they have left is the physical. And so sex has become distorted.

I spend the book looking at how we can find the real joy and intimacy that God intended for our marriage.What I've found in writing this book and this blog is that women are eager to have a safe place to discuss something that's personal, but also vitally important. We know it's central to marriage. We know it's supposed to be wonderful. But all too often it's not.

It shouldn't be that way, and I wrote the book to dispel some myths and to help women experience real joy.

But now I want to expand that and bring the book's message to your church, through Girl Talk, a fun evening for women where we talk intimacy!

We'll open with a 15 minute comedy routine on sex, and then have some practical teaching for married women on how to create a marriage that thrives. After intermission we'll have a Q&A (don't worry, the questions will be screened and tasteful), and then some more practical teaching. And the evening will be punctuated with fun video and interesting multimedia with some of the results from the surveys I took for my research. Here's just one video that I've created for the evening:

Why such an evening?

Marriages are falling apart. Even those that are still together aren't necessarily thriving. And if we want our witness to be strong, and for children to grow up in security, loving God, we need to support families. Sex may not be something that churches normally talk about, but here's a chance for the church to host a fun evening for women, with great teaching, with little effort on the pastor's part.

Pastors can't always preach about sex from the pulpit, because children are present, and pastors don't want to alienate single people. But it's too important a topic to ignore. If you think your church would benefit from this night, then just enter!

Here's how it works.

Enter either with Facebook or your email (that gets you 1 entry). But you can earn 40 more entries just by completing some tasks once you've logged in–easy tasks, like entering your church's name, sharing the "How to Turn Your Husband Off" video on Facebook, or signing up for Marriage Newsletter! And if you already are signed up for my newsletter, or you already follow my Facebook Page, you get points for that, too!

If you really want to win, email friends from your church and get them to enter, too. In fact, you get extra points for emailing them in the first place, but the more enter, the more likely your church is to win.

The contest is running until 12:01 am on April 21. Some tasks, like sharing on Facebook or Twitter, you can repeat everyday to get extra entries, so check back! I would love to meet some of you in person, so enter away, and perhaps I'll arrive, with my famous flannel nightgown, ready to bring a wonderful evening to the women in your community.

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If you want information on how you can hire me to come to speak at your church, you can find more information on Girl Talk here, and information on the rest of my speaking ministry here.

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Related posts:

The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex Getaway Contest
Wifey Wednesday: Changing the Dynamic
A Contest, A Video, and a Round-Up!

Are Christians Really Uptight About Sex?

I hope you had a wonderful Easter! I made a huge dinner last night, and then ate way too much. But it was lovely to spend the day with friends and family.

Still 30% off at Amazon!

And now it's back to the real world. It's been a month since The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex has been released, and I wanted to take a post to thank you all who have supported me, and then to ask a question.

First, the thank yous. I was overwhelmed by the support that my regular blog readers showed me when the book came out. So many of you bought it, and so many of you left lovely reviews (I think I have 42 on Amazon right now!). After I posted about a negative review, and asked you all to respond, so many did. I was blown away, and very humbled. I never really said thank you, and so I want to say it now. I know sometimes we think of authors of books as being somehow distant from us, but I hope by reading this blog you've realized I'm really quite a regular mom, with regular feelings, and so when you all say, "well done!", or "I loved it!", it totally makes my day. Especially if I've received nasty comments that day, too. It turns it around.

I've also been receiving a lot of emails since I started the 29 Days to Great Sex series in February with women with very complicated problems desperately needing some advice. I've tried to answer most as time allowed, even if it was just some quick thoughts and then pointing people to find a good church and a godly mentor in real life (the best advice comes from people who really know you). But reading these emails, day in and day out, shows me that so many women are really hurting in this area of their lives.

And it makes sense. Think about it: our sexuality and our spirituality are both really linked, because our sexuality is so closely tied with our identity. If marriage is going to be attacked, it's logical that the area where it would be attacked the most is sex, because sex is the vehicle that God created for us to most feel intimacy. If that intimacy is lost, it has repercussions throughout all of our marriages, our families, even our communities. Think of the damage being done by porn, or by affairs, or by simply distant marriages. It's the ripple effect, and it's heartbreaking.

That's why I firmly believe that it's time for Christians to start talking honestly about sex. I know we may not be comfortable talking explicitly with our best friends, or with our moms, or with our Bible study group, but surely we can get the conversation going, even if it's just on blogs or in Christian media and books.

And I don't believe it's optional.

If we want marriages and families to thrive, we need to talk about.

So while I'm so encouraged by everything that's happened online with my circle of readers and my circle of blogger friends, I've become rather discouraged by the results of the marketing efforts offline. The biggest Christian TV show in the U.S., for instance, initially booked me for an interview, and then cancelled because they thought the interview may offend some. Radio stations have been really reluctant to book me as a guest, even though shows like Focus on the Family talk about sex quite often. It's easy to do it tastefully, and with disclaimers if kids are listening. I'm a mom, after all! I'm not going to say anything that will scar children. It's easy to talk in euphemisms when you're on the air. Nevertheless, television shows have been reluctant, too. With my previous books, it was easy to get interviews!

And I've found the same brick wall talking to churches about doing a speaking tour. Many pastors are worried that they will offend some of their women by talking about it, or worried that single women may feel left out. I do understand the latter concern, but I also think there's a bigger issue here of families falling apart. Everybody–single, married, widowed, divorced–should want families to thrive, and sex is a key part of marriages working.

I figure churches and media are reluctant to talk about it because they think people will be offended if you talk about sex. And that leaves us with two possibilities:

1. Christians will be offended if they hear talk about sex (even if it's tastefully done)

2. Christians won't be offended, but people assume they will be, and so they don't want to take the chance

I figure #2 is far more likely to be the case. I've only had a handful of people say that we shouldn't be talking about this because it should be private. More and more people say things like this:

I just got done reading this book and I loved it. The entire time I kept thinking, "I wish I had this book to read while growing up." No one is my family ever talked about this kind of thing and I was completely clueless for my honeymoon and early marriage years.

What I found so refreshing about this book is that it is direct, honest, and REAL.

This book is so great! It helps you understand the real truth about sex and marriage and uncovers the lies that most all of us believe about sex. Sheila is a great author and really tell you how it is and how it should be. Why has it taken this long to get truth out in the world?

Those are just a few snippets from the reviews, which you can see here.

You all have been so helpful and so encouraging, but it's occurring to me that the online world is really the best way to get the word out, since Christian media has, on the whole, been reluctant to engage on the subject. In thinking about that, I've decided to take a new approach, which will be starting this week.

First, I'm going to debut a new video tomorrow, along with an awesome contest! I'll come and speak at your church, with a humorous, upbeat, and practical evening for Christian women talking about sex, totally free! I'll cover airfare, all the expenses, and all you need to do is provide me with the venue. I'd love to meet some of you in person, and I'll be announcing that contest tomorrow.

And I'll be rolling out some more videos over the next little while, too. I firmly believe that we women are NOT uptight. We're private, not prudish, and there's a big difference. We may not talk about this all the time with our friends, but we're certainly not offended by godly information on the topic (and, in fact, women crave it). If that were not the case, I wouldn't be receiving all the emails I get everyday from women saying, "I just don't know who else to ask."

So let me ask you: Are Christians really offended by godly information on the topic? And can you help me tomorrow spread the word about my contest? I'm excited to launch it for you!

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Related posts:

Wifey Wednesday: Can Christians Use Sex Toys?

He Is Risen!

He is risen indeed!

Today we mark Jesus' defeat over death. It could not hold Him. He paid everything, but that was not the end of the story.

For He did not stay as only the Sacrificial Lamb. He also became the Conquering King!

And what does that mean for us?

It means that this is not our real life or our real home. We are here for 80+ years, if we're lucky. Heaven is forever. Which is more real?

Keep an eternal perspective on your marriage. If things are difficult now, remember that what you see is not all there is.

And Easter weekend means that in Christ our marriages are new creations. We aren't just new creations; God can knit us together is new ways. God sees us with Jesus' righteousness. He doesn't see us through the fog and blemish and ugliness of sin; He sees us through Jesus' goodness. Try to see yourself with God's eyes. Whatever you did before marriage, or even early in your marriage, that may have displeased God is gone now. When you accept Jesus' sacrifice for you, you are a new creation.

And God can knit you together with your husband to form something beautiful in His eyes. And what He has called beautiful is beautiful indeed.

But He doesn't just forgive. The message of Easter is not just forgiveness but also power.

For Christ rose again, defeating death. And then He sent the Holy Spirit to give us power for life and godliness. We have God's power!

Power to forgive.

Power to love.

Power to be kind, even in difficult times.

Power to hope.

Power to heal.

I don't know where you are today in your marriage, but let Easter be a day where you celebrate new beginnings and power to live a godly life. That is His gift to you; do not turn it away.

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Related posts:

No Bunny Ever Rose from the Dead, But Somebody Did!

He Has Risen!

He has risen indeed!

Today we mark Jesus' defeat over death. It could not hold Him. He paid everything, but that was not the end of the story.

For He did not stay as only the Sacrificial Lamb. He also became the Conquering King!

And what does that mean for us?

It means that this is not our real life or our real home. We are here for 80+ years, if we're lucky. Heaven is forever. Which is more real?

Keep an eternal perspective on your marriage. If things are difficult now, remember that what you see is not all there is.

And Easter weekend means that in Christ our marriages are new creations. We aren't just new creations; God can knit us together is new ways. God sees us with Jesus' righteousness. He doesn't see us through the fog and blemish and ugliness of sin; He sees us through Jesus' goodness. Try to see yourself with God's eyes. Whatever you did before marriage, or even early in your marriage, that may have displeased God is gone now. When you accept Jesus' sacrifice for you, you are a new creation.

And God can knit you together with your husband to form something beautiful in His eyes. And what He has called beautiful is beautiful indeed.

But He doesn't just forgive. The message of Easter is not just forgiveness but also power.

For Christ rose again, defeating death. And then He sent the Holy Spirit to give us power for life and godliness. We have God's power!

Power to forgive.

Power to love.

Power to be kind, even in difficult times.

Power to hope.

Power to heal.

I don't know where you are today in your marriage, but let Easter be a day where you celebrate new beginnings and power to live a godly life. That is His gift to you; do not turn it away.

[image error]

Related posts:

No Bunny Ever Rose from the Dead, But Somebody Did!