Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog

Celebrate with Me! To Love, Honor and Vacuum is Now Bare Marriage!

We’ve finally made the move, and To Love, Honor and Vacuum is now rebranded Bare Marriage!

Connor has been working on this for a few months now, and it turned into a much bigger job than we anticipated.

I started To Love, Honor and Vacuum back in 2008.

I started out as a parenting/mommy blog, and the title of the blog was based on my first book, which was published in 2003–To Love, Honor and Vacuum: When you feel more like a maid than a wife and a mother.

 

Our family in 2008 when I started blogging! (With my mom, my husband Keith, and Rebecca and Katie while we were on vacation).

When I started blogging, I focused on parenting and organizing and some general thoughts about life. I certainly tackled marriage, but it wasn’t my main focus.

Over the years, though, I found that the more I talked about sex the more people paid attention, and I found my niche. In 2012 the first edition of The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex came out (a whole revamped second edition was published March 2022), and that became who I was.

So the title of the blog no longer fit what I was writing about–but I had a problem. Google really liked me, and I was getting a ton of traffic. I didn’t know how to rebrand. And so many people knew me from my blog.

Nevertheless, over the years I’ve felt like the title of the blog didn’t match at all what I was trying to say, and it grated on me a bit. But even more than that:

we felt that Integrity Demanded a Change

As you know, I’ve been dedicated to the “good fruit” test: Jesus said that a bad tree can’t bear good fruit, and a good tree can’t bear bad fruit. And so I’ve been looking at my past blog posts, and found that I don’t agree with all of them anymore.

I haven’t changed my views that much–but I have changed my emphasis. And I didn’t like the way that I used to emphasize gratitude in marriage rather than emotional health and boundaries, or how I would emphasize the importance of frequency of sex rather than making sure it’s mutual, intimate, and pleasurable for both.

But I had so many posts going through each individually was a huge task! At one point there were over 2,900 posts on the blog.

So we made the decision to move the blog, and only take posts from 2018 and forward (along with some select ones from before that).

But we didn’t just move the site. we redid it.

Or rather, Connor did. After five different servers that To Love, Honor and Vacuum was on, and three different blog platforms, and countless blog administrators, it was just really clunky. And he felt that rebuilding it from the ground up was the better choice!

So it took a long time, but now the blog is running really well. It’s going to take about a month for us to clear out all the bugs, so please be patient with us. The links may not all be perfect. But I feel like this is a great start, and I’m really excited to show you what else we’re planning next!

Why Bare Marriage?

So why did we settle on the new name “bare marriage”? I felt like it fit for several reasons.

First, it’s obviously about marriage, which is a big plus!

But more importantly, the “bare” has two meanings. One relates to being naked, and thus to sex. But the second is really more important. I like to say that we’re stripping everything away and getting down to what’s really important. We’re getting rid of the toxic teachings; the maladaptive coping patterns; the stuff that makes marriage worse, and we’re getting back to what God intended.

We’re stripping everything bare to find the gold underneath! And I hope that’s what we’ll do together here.

Thanks for sticking around through all of this. Thanks for having patience with me, even as my views adapted on so many things. Thanks for not demanding perfection. I’m trying, and I hope I’m getting there, and I’m honored that you show up and read everyday!

So feel free to look around. If you see anything obviously wrong, shoot me a comment–but we do know that some things still need to be fixed over the next little while. And check out our streamlined store, too! I’ve added a “Tip Jar” so you can donate money for a cup of coffee or something, even if you don’t want to join our Patreon regularly (though I’d love it if you could join our amazing Patreon community!).

Thanks again for your patience!

Tell me what you think of our rebrand in the comments! And celebrate with us! This has been a HUGE job.

The post Celebrate with Me! To Love, Honor and Vacuum is Now Bare Marriage! appeared first on Bare Marriage.

Why Women Want an Equal Partner

This has been a strange week on the blog and social media, with a bunch of new male commenters flooding this space complaining about women.

The complaints were prompted by two things: our continued discussion about the Psychology Today article and the fact that women are developing higher standards for husbands (which we also talked about in our podcast this week); and this Fixed It For You:

No, Kevin Leman, her period is not a difficult time “for her husband.”

It is a difficult time for her. And if he has difficulty, it’s nothing in comparison to what she is experiencing.

This inability to see life from her point of view is actually quite astounding–and even more astounding to think that he wrote it in a book and announced it to the world.

Is there an inability to see things from women’s point of view in the church?

I have a number of thoughts jumbled in my head, and I’d like to try to express them today as I process our discussions this week.

About 20-30 years ago I remember hearing around election time that conservatives in general have an easier time getting the other side to listen to their message because they understand the liberal message because most media tells the liberal message. Conservatives can articulate the liberal message easier than liberals can articulate the conservative message, and so conservatives can talk to liberals better because there’s an understanding of what they think.

Because the liberal message is articulated more in public, conservatives hear it argued more, while liberals tend to only be exposed to a caricature of the conservative message. 

(This doesn’t hold true anymore with modern politics and the polarization of news outlets, but we did study this decades ago in university when media was different.) 

I think there’s something similar going on with gender.

When people try to explain to me that the Bible says man is the head of the household (which it actually doesn’t), and that man being the head means that he is in charge, and they try to convince me like I’ve never heard this before–it kind of makes me laugh.

Do they not realize that all of us grew up with this our whole lives? We can teach it backwards and forwards. The problem is not that we don’t know the arguments; the problem is that we have heard all the arguments and found them wanting, because we have seen a way to interpret Scripture that pays attention to the original language, the original context, and most importantly, the words and heart of Jesus. And it’s much more faithful to Scripture than proof-texting verses out of context, away from the original language.

The problem is not that I don’t understand their arguments; the problem is that they absolutely will not consider any other ones. They refuse to see with any other point of view, even though we are quite used to looking at this from various points of view.

You may also enjoy:Marg Mowzcko’s blog for a full understanding of difficult Scripture passages (you can search by Scripture passage)Julie Coleman’s book On PurposeThe Slippery Slope of Hierarchy TheologyOur Submission series And so it is with the conversations we were having on the blog this week.

The comments on the blog and on social media this week were among the most misogynistic I’ve ever had on the blog. (One commenter said something he regrets and he apologized, and so I’m not talking about him). But I had to delete some absolutely horrid ones from men claiming to be Christian, and many of them had the same themes:

Women were selfish. We only wanted to take from men. We had way too high standards for men. But most of all, we didn’t have sympathy for what men went through.

Here’s the thing: I know that this cultural time is a difficult transition for many men. They used to have what was needed in the economy and in society to do well. They were stronger, so they could do the more physical labor.

But what is really needed in today’s economy is people who can work in teams; function well in relationships; have strong verbal and written skills; can think from multiple points of view. Physical skills aren’t required as much. This has meant that the things women have been socialized to excel at are more in demand than the things that men have been socialized to excel at (none of this is biological remember–it’s all socialization, except for the physical skills).

And so women are having an easier time financially supporting themselves than they did in the past. Women are finding that they don’t need to settle for someone just to be looked after, because they can look after themselves.

Therefore, if a woman is going to marry, a man must bring something to the table. He must be a real partner. He must do the emotional labor to carry the relationship too. He needs to carry his share of the household.

A lot of guys fit that bill and more, and they’re excelling and doing wonderfully. There is absolutely nothing biological about being male that means you can’t be emotionally mature and healthy. 

But there is a subset of guys who were not raised to do those sorts of things. That’s not those guys’ faults; that’s largely our culture and their parents. But here we are, and it is what it is.

So the question is: What do we do about it?

Do you remember the movie Hidden Figures, about the African American women employed by NASA in the 60s who played a significant role in the space race? There’s a great scene where Octavia Spencer’s character, who supervises a number of women, realizes that computers are about to make her and her whole team redundant.

But she also realizes that none of the men at NASA know how to program or work the computer.

So she goes to the library and steals a book on FORTRAN, the computer language (she has to steal because she’s not allowed to check a book out). She figures out how to program that thing, and she teaches her team how to program that thing, and suddenly she and her team are indispensable again.

She realized her skills weren’t needed anymore, and so she took initiative to develop the skills that were necessary.

That’s what women want men to do.

We’re not saying that it’s easy being a man in this period of transition. We’re not saying that men don’t have things to complain about (although, again, we would like men to realize how much harder women have had it, and even to experience period pain for a few days each month, but still be expected to write an exam, do your job, and do all the regular things you do, acting like nothing’s wrong).

We’re just saying that it’s not up to us to fix it for men.

What I was hearing a lot in the comments all across my platforms this week was men saying that women are demanding too much, and only care about themselves. But what they’re really saying is that women should lower our standards, and be with men who don’t make our lives better. We should compensate for the men who make our lives worse.

And what we’re saying is–no.

For  years, women worked their way up the work world with no role models. We figured things out. We formed groups and helped each other.

Men who find themselves at a disadvantage in today’s society can do that too. It isn’t too difficult. Go to therapy to work on any emotional and relational issues you have. Read books on attachment (or read my attachment series!). Find YouTube channels that teach you how to clean and organize. Get a budget. Live independently.

In other words, make yourself an attractive spouse.

It is not women’s job to fix the men they’re with, and for millennia we’ve been asked to do that.

It’s not too much to ask men to do the work first–especially since so many already have, and have shown that men can be amazing partners, amazing fathers, responsible workers, and more. Women want a to be wives and partners; we don’t want to have to mother somebody that isn’t a child.

We can still appreciate the men who are struggling and respect them and be in community with them. But fewer women will be willing to marry men who aren’t bringing something a lot to the table. If men want a wife, increasingly they will have to do the work themselves.

And part of that work means letting go of the entitlement that women are supposed to orient our lives around men. That we’re supposed to make your lives easier, make up for your deficiencies, and see things from your point of view. And, of course, offer sex on demand.

This trend is only going to accelerate.

And it will get worse in the church, because the church is still feeding men’s entitlement. That’s one of the reasons that for the first time women are leaving the church faster than men are. We’re just not interested in compensating for entitled men anymore, and men in the church are more entitled than men outside the church (which is a huge indictment all on its own).

So let’s raise our boys to be emotionally healthy, and to know how to be good partners. Let’s raise the next generation to not see men as the main story, with women as supporting characters, but rather to see all of us running after Jesus, using the gifts the Holy Spirit has given us, and serving together, as partners.

Let’s keep Jesus at the centre, not men at the centre, and then I think this problem will start to get better.

And if men continue to threaten: Well, if women want to be like that, we’ll just check out–I think you’ll find increasingly women will say, “no problem.” That threat isn’t going to work anymore. All it does is help us identify who is toxic. And this week, we identified a lot of it.

What do you think? Let’s talk in the comments!

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

FacebookTwitter Related Posts Psychology Today Says Women Are Getting Higher Standards–and Men Are Left Lonely

Aug 12, 2022 | 178 Comments

What if men are finding it hard to find a mate because women are getting higher standards? That's...

PODCAST: Meet Katharine Bushnell, Another Hero You Need–Plus Fixing Sexist Bible Translations

Aug 11, 2022 | 11 Comments

Time for another hero of the faith! Well, three, actually! This month we're telling amazing...

A Letter to the Woman with a Controlling Husband

Aug 10, 2022 | 5 Comments

Are you married to a controlling husband?    I first ran this post back in 2016, but as we're...

2 Things Pastors Should Never Say

Aug 9, 2022 | 45 Comments

I do not believe that pastors need to be perfect. I absolutely believe that all of us are works in...

Aug 8, 2022 | 20 Comments

My heart hurts when I hear stories of what happens when women (or children or men, for that...

If Supporting Mark Driscoll Doesn’t Disqualify Someone from Leadership, What Does?

Aug 5, 2022 | 28 Comments

We need shepherds to act like shepherds--and caring for sheep means not supporting someone who...

PODCAST: The Rise of Lonely Men–Plus How to Be Inspiring

Aug 18, 2022 | 35 Comments

We've got some wonderful inspiring stories to share with you today--plus a new research study with...

8 Reasons to Go To Bed Before You’re Tired

Aug 17, 2022 | 13 Comments

What if there's something super simple you could do that could improve your mood and your...

The post Why Women Want an Equal Partner appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Why Women Want an Equal Partner

This has been a strange week on the blog and social media, with a bunch of new male commenters flooding this space complaining about women.

The complaints were prompted by two things: our continued discussion about the Psychology Today article and the fact that women are developing higher standards for husbands (which we also talked about in our podcast this week); and this Fixed It For You:

No, Kevin Leman, her period is not a difficult time “for her husband.”

It is a difficult time for her. And if he has difficulty, it’s nothing in comparison to what she is experiencing.

This inability to see life from her point of view is actually quite astounding–and even more astounding to think that he wrote it in a book and announced it to the world.

Is there an inability to see things from women’s point of view in the church?

I have a number of thoughts jumbled in my head, and I’d like to try to express them today as I process our discussions this week.

About 20-30 years ago I remember hearing around election time that conservatives in general have an easier time getting the other side to listen to their message because they understand the liberal message because most media tells the liberal message. Conservatives can articulate the liberal message easier than liberals can articulate the conservative message, and so conservatives can talk to liberals better because there’s an understanding of what they think.

Because the liberal message is articulated more in public, conservatives hear it argued more, while liberals tend to only be exposed to a caricature of the conservative message. 

(This doesn’t hold true anymore with modern politics and the polarization of news outlets, but we did study this decades ago in university when media was different.) 

I think there’s something similar going on with gender.

When people try to explain to me that the Bible says man is the head of the household (which it actually doesn’t), and that man being the head means that he is in charge, and they try to convince me like I’ve never heard this before–it kind of makes me laugh.

Do they not realize that all of us grew up with this our whole lives? We can teach it backwards and forwards. The problem is not that we don’t know the arguments; the problem is that we have heard all the arguments and found them wanting, because we have seen a way to interpret Scripture that pays attention to the original language, the original context, and most importantly, the words and heart of Jesus. And it’s much more faithful to Scripture than proof-texting verses out of context, away from the original language.

The problem is not that I don’t understand their arguments; the problem is that they absolutely will not consider any other ones. They refuse to see with any other point of view, even though we are quite used to looking at this from various points of view.

You may also enjoy:Marg Mowzcko’s blog for a full understanding of difficult Scripture passages (you can search by Scripture passage)Julie Coleman’s book On PurposeThe Slippery Slope of Hierarchy TheologyOur Submission series And so it is with the conversations we were having on the blog this week.

The comments on the blog and on social media this week were among the most misogynistic I’ve ever had on the blog. (One commenter said something he regrets and he apologized, and so I’m not talking about him). But I had to delete some absolutely horrid ones from men claiming to be Christian, and many of them had the same themes:

Women were selfish. We only wanted to take from men. We had way too high standards for men. But most of all, we didn’t have sympathy for what men went through.

Here’s the thing: I know that this cultural time is a difficult transition for many men. They used to have what was needed in the economy and in society to do well. They were stronger, so they could do the more physical labor.

But what is really needed in today’s economy is people who can work in teams; function well in relationships; have strong verbal and written skills; can think from multiple points of view. Physical skills aren’t required as much. This has meant that the things women have been socialized to excel at are more in demand than the things that men have been socialized to excel at (none of this is biological remember–it’s all socialization, except for the physical skills).

And so women are having an easier time financially supporting themselves than they did in the past. Women are finding that they don’t need to settle for someone just to be looked after, because they can look after themselves.

Therefore, if a woman is going to marry, a man must bring something to the table. He must be a real partner. He must do the emotional labor to carry the relationship too. He needs to carry his share of the household.

A lot of guys fit that bill and more, and they’re excelling and doing wonderfully. There is absolutely nothing biological about being male that means you can’t be emotionally mature and healthy. 

But there is a subset of guys who were not raised to do those sorts of things. That’s not those guys’ faults; that’s largely our culture and their parents. But here we are, and it is what it is.

So the question is: What do we do about it?

Do you remember the movie Hidden Figures, about the African American women employed by NASA in the 60s who played a significant role in the space race? There’s a great scene where Octavia Spencer’s character, who supervises a number of women, realizes that computers are about to make her and her whole team redundant.

But she also realizes that none of the men at NASA know how to program or work the computer.

So she goes to the library and steals a book on FORTRAN, the computer language (she has to steal because she’s not allowed to check a book out). She figures out how to program that thing, and she teaches her team how to program that thing, and suddenly she and her team are indispensable again.

She realized her skills weren’t needed anymore, and so she took initiative to develop the skills that were necessary.

That’s what women want men to do.

We’re not saying that it’s easy being a man in this period of transition. We’re not saying that men don’t have things to complain about (although, again, we would like men to realize how much harder women have had it, and even to experience period pain for a few days each month, but still be expected to write an exam, do your job, and do all the regular things you do, acting like nothing’s wrong).

We’re just saying that it’s not up to us to fix it for men.

What I was hearing a lot in the comments all across my platforms this week was men saying that women are demanding too much, and only care about themselves. But what they’re really saying is that women should lower our standards, and be with men who don’t make our lives better. We should compensate for the men who make our lives worse.

And what we’re saying is–no.

For  years, women worked their way up the work world with no role models. We figured things out. We formed groups and helped each other.

Men who find themselves at a disadvantage in today’s society can do that too. It isn’t too difficult. Go to therapy to work on any emotional and relational issues you have. Read books on attachment (or read my attachment series!). Find YouTube channels that teach you how to clean and organize. Get a budget. Live independently.

In other words, make yourself an attractive spouse.

It is not women’s job to fix the men they’re with, and for millennia we’ve been asked to do that.

It’s not too much to ask men to do the work first–especially since so many already have, and have shown that men can be amazing partners, amazing fathers, responsible workers, and more. Women want a to be wives and partners; we don’t want to have to mother somebody that isn’t a child.

We can still appreciate the men who are struggling and respect them and be in community with them. But fewer women will be willing to marry men who aren’t bringing something a lot to the table. If men want a wife, increasingly they will have to do the work themselves.

And part of that work means letting go of the entitlement that women are supposed to orient our lives around men. That we’re supposed to make your lives easier, make up for your deficiencies, and see things from your point of view. And, of course, offer sex on demand.

This trend is only going to accelerate.

And it will get worse in the church, because the church is still feeding men’s entitlement. That’s one of the reasons that for the first time women are leaving the church faster than men are. We’re just not interested in compensating for entitled men anymore, and men in the church are more entitled than men outside the church (which is a huge indictment all on its own).

So let’s raise our boys to be emotionally healthy, and to know how to be good partners. Let’s raise the next generation to not see men as the main story, with women as supporting characters, but rather to see all of us running after Jesus, using the gifts the Holy Spirit has given us, and serving together, as partners.

Let’s keep Jesus at the centre, not men at the centre, and then I think this problem will start to get better.

And if men continue to threaten: Well, if women want to be like that, we’ll just check out–I think you’ll find increasingly women will say, “no problem.” That threat isn’t going to work anymore. All it does is help us identify who is toxic. And this week, we identified a lot of it.

What do you think? Let’s talk in the comments!

The post Why Women Want an Equal Partner appeared first on Bare Marriage.

8 Reasons to Go To Bed Before You’re Tired

What if there’s something super simple you could do that could improve your mood and your marriage?

I talked on Monday about rhythms in our lives–how to honor our bodies’ rhythms, with the need for work and rest; for feasting and fasting.

And I thought today we could talk about one of the biggest rhythms we have–sleep.

Can we honor the transition time between work and rest?

Here’s what happens in many households: You’re just desperate from some down time, so after the kids go to bed you collapse in front of the TV, streaming some shows, or playing some video games, until you’re exhausted. And then you collapse into bed.

We’ve got several problems with this.

First, while down time is important, down time that feeds your soul is even MORE important. Down time where you think, pray, process, even work on relationships–that’s what really makes us feel like “today has been a good day.”

Second, heading to bed right after you’ve been watching a screen doesn’t lead to restful sleep. Turning away from screens an hour before bed can lead to better sleep.

And third, having a set time where you prioritize certain disciplines or habits can make you feel more peaceful and purposeful while also aiding the transition to sleep.

True confession: I’m not very good at this. Keith and I tend to eat dinner later and go to bed earlier (by 10), because we get up quite early. So we don’t have a lot of evening time, and if we watch a movie, then by the time it’s over it’s already time to sleep.

But when I do get into routines where I’m in bed by 9:15, I really appreciate and benefit from it.

So here’s what I’m suggesting:

Go to bed before you’re tired–and then make use of that time!

Now, a big caveat: If you’re absolutely exhausted when the kids go to bed, then you should just go to bed! If you don’t have a time in the evening when you’re not absolutely exhausted, then it’s best to catch up on some sleep as soon as you can and try to see if you can change how you do your daily life so that you do have times when you’re not exhausted.

And another big caveat: I know some people are “night owls” and some “morning people”, and the morning people may want to go to bed a lot earlier than the night owls. If you’re a night owl, try to follow some of this routine anyway. It may help you sleep better, but the important thing is that you’re heading to bed and spending some time with your spouse before you head to  sleep.

That transition time before sleep is a great opportunity to spend meaningful time on things that matter to you.

Often we have things that we really want to get done–but the rest of the day is so busy and so packed that if we’re just trying to fit things in, it doesn’t work. But in the evenings you often have that time. So let’s see 8 things you could potentially do with it!

UPDATE: A number of people have told me that this transition period really shouldn’t take place in bed because you get better sleep if you associate the bed with sleep. And you get better posture if you’re not propped up on pillows in a weird way. So thank you for that! If you want to have your downtime on the couch or a comfy chair, that works too!

1. Read a book.

I want to read at least two big nonfiction books a month, and I don’t have a lot of reading time during the day. So what I’ve done is start reading at least two chapters each night.

Have you ever set a goal to read a certain number of books this year, and then you’ve never actually met that goal? A great way is to start reading at night–before you’re tired!

2. Read the Bible.

Want to do more personal devotions? For many of us, trying to read first thing in the morning is a losing proposition. We’re too tired, there’s too much to do, and it isn’t restful. But reading when there aren’t other demands on you can be much easier. And then it sets the stage for a restful night’s sleep to meditate on it!

Don’t know what to read? Get a Bible reading app, or use the Anglican Lectionary (lots of apps for that too!)

3. Pray.

At one of my last speaking engagements before COVID, a reader of my blog who attended handed me a beautiful hand-crafted set of Anglican prayer beads. I had no idea what to do with them. But I looked it up, and found a whole bunch of different ways you can pray through them, or even incorporate them into your devotions (that’s now my favourite way of reading the Bible).

I always struggled with prayer, but this is so purposeful and so meditative that I love it.

You can also get books of prayers (I love this one), or just spend some time being quiet in whatever way works best for you.

4. Journal

Whether it’s processing your thoughts as you’re working through something big in your life, or just bullet journalling when you write down just a few things that happened today, or even just a journal of the funny things your kids did today to refer to later, taking that few minutes to record the highlights can be a lasting blessing.

5. Plan for the next day

Often one of the reasons we have trouble drifting off to sleep is that we’re worried we’re going to forget something we need to do tomorrow. Spending some time at the end of the day to go over the appointments or errands you have for tomorrow, to look at your calendar, and to create your to do list can help you feel like, “okay, I’ve got this all sorted, I don’t need to worry now.” And it also helps you prepare a bit while you sleep!

Taking a look at your calendar beforehand can also prevent difficulties. Let’s say Kid 1 has piano lessons right when Kid 2 has a dentist appointment. Then you can realize–okay, I need to ask my spouse to pick up Kid 1 tomorrow, though that’s not normally his/her job!

What about couple activities during the transition time?

Well, all of the things already mentioned can be done alone or together! Some couples can do these things side by side–perhaps even different things side by side. And some may want to do these things together (read a book out loud; read the Bible out loud; go over the logistics for tomorrow, etc.)

But let’s turn to things that you can do together as a couple!

6. Share your Most In the Groove/Most Defeated moments

The marriage habit I recommend the most is a variation on the high/low exercise. Instead of sharing your best and worst moment of the day, share the time you felt the most in the groove, like you were doing what you were put on earth to do, and the moment you felt the most defeated. These tap into your most emotional moments, and let you and your spouse in on what’s really going on in your heart.

Usually we say things like, “what did you do today?”, but that doesn’t necessarily help us connect emotionally. It may elicit a list of appointments or errands or accomplishments, but not how you’re actually feeling or clue you in on each other’s emotional state.

Sharing two emotional snapshots, on the other hand, can help you process things together while pulling the curtain back on what affects your spouse. Especially when couples are struggling to open up emotionally, or when one of you is struggling to learn how to communicate emotionally, this can be such a great tool.

7. Give each other massages

Is there anything yummier than a back massage? Or a foot massage? And it’s a great way to relax before sleep, too!

8. Make love

Finally, the big one. Going to bed before you’re tired makes it much easier to make love! How many times have you headed to bed intending, and even wanting, to have sex, but then by the time your head hits the pillow you start to drift off and the opportunity’s gone? But if you head to bed before you’re exhausted, take some transition time to process, think, and talk, then making love is more likely to be an enticing idea!

Plus–and here’s the big one–orgasms make you sleep better! And it makes it easier to fall asleep. In fact, one of the effects of the hormonal rush you get at orgasm is that you get really sleepy.

(Incidentally, this is why it’s so important for the husband to bring the wife to orgasm first, rather than thinking, “well, let’s see if she gets there before I do, and if not, I’ll take care of her afterwards.” He may have the best of intentions, but his entire body will be telling him, “you want to go to sleep now.” And having a super sleepy guy trying to stimulate you will just make her feel she’s taking too long and make her feel awkward and it’s not likely to work.)

So even if you’re a night owl, and you’d normally stay up later, if you do make love and orgasm, your body will likely want to go to sleep anyway. And that’s better for you in the long run, to get a good night’s sleep!

Note: If you DON’T reach orgasm, sleep can be even more elusive if you try to make love, because you’re all keyed up and got no satisfaction. That’s why we need to start prioritizing orgasm for women and bridge that orgasm gap! And we’ve got a course for that too.

 

The Orgasm Course is Here to Help You Experience Real Passion!

Figure out what's holding you back. Open the floodgates to orgasm.

Tell Me More about It! I Need that Now! What would happen if you started making it a habit to turn into bed 45 minutes before you normally go to sleep? 

What would happen if you made use of that transition time to care for your mental and spiritual health, and to connect together? 

It’s a little switch, but it’s one I’m increasingly trying to make. Our world is so busy and we’re always rushing and our screens are always on. What if we used our bedrooms as retreats, and paid attention to the things that mattered? 

Breaking habits is hard. But I’m trying. How about you?

What do you think? Do you have a bedtime routine? When do you read/journal, etc.? Let’s talk in the comments!

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

FacebookTwitter Related Posts A Letter to the Woman with a Controlling Husband

Aug 10, 2022 | 5 Comments

Are you married to a controlling husband?    I first ran this post back in 2016, but as we're...

2 Things Pastors Should Never Say

Aug 9, 2022 | 45 Comments

I do not believe that pastors need to be perfect. I absolutely believe that all of us are works in...

Aug 8, 2022 | 20 Comments

My heart hurts when I hear stories of what happens when women (or children or men, for that...

If Supporting Mark Driscoll Doesn’t Disqualify Someone from Leadership, What Does?

Aug 5, 2022 | 28 Comments

We need shepherds to act like shepherds--and caring for sheep means not supporting someone who...

PODCAST: Meet Josephine Butler, The Hero You Never Knew

Aug 4, 2022 | 11 Comments

Have you ever heard the name Josephine Butler? If you were alive in London in 1880 you likely...

Why Do Some “Christian” Leaders Believe it’s Better for Women to be Killed than Raped?

Aug 3, 2022 | 135 Comments

There's been an alarming and disturbing conversation happening on social media lately about how...

Can We Honor Our Bodies’ Rhythms? And Why that May Mean Saying No to Sex Sometimes

Aug 15, 2022 | 79 Comments

God created life with natural rhythms. But I feel like much of the effort of modern life is to...

Psychology Today Says Women Are Getting Higher Standards–and Men Are Left Lonely

Aug 12, 2022 | 138 Comments

What if men are finding it hard to find a mate because women are getting higher standards? That's...

The post 8 Reasons to Go To Bed Before You’re Tired appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Can We Honor Our Bodies’ Rhythms? And Why that May Mean Saying No to Sex Sometimes

God created life with natural rhythms.

But I feel like much of the effort of modern life is to obliterate those rhythms.

Two things got me thinking about this lately, and I’d like to tell you about them and then explore this further.

Exhibit A: I had COVID.

Thankfully, I did not have a serious case, and I was over the worst of it within about four days. When I started to feel better I got up and tried to do what I wanted to do, and about a week later I crashed again. I felt worse last Wednesday-Saturday than I had the previous Sunday-Tuesday.

I was just so dang tired. I’d record one podcast and then I’d have to be in bed. I didn’t even want to sleep, but my body was simply exhausted.

And I realized that I wasn’t going to be able to get back to normal unless I honoured what my body needed. So I started just going to bed when I felt like i needed it, and I’m feeling a bit better today. But this was something I couldn’t just push through.

Exhibit B: Gary Thomas was once again setting the expectation that women will give sexual favors postpartum or on their periods.

I posted about this on Facebook, but in a larger post about obligation sex (Gary was arguing that some were too extreme, alluding to me, and was wanting to find the middle ground), a commenter said:

Obligated should go both ways. I think it’s fair to say a woman should be orgasming 85% of the time compared to her husband’s 100% and most likely she will feel like giving during her periods or postpartum times or just not in the mood times. 

And Gary agreed with her! (I’ve got more here on that). 

Here’s how I explained the issue: 

Can we please stop normalizing the expectation that women will give sexual favors when postpartum or on their periods?

In a bigger conversation around obligation sex on his page, Gary Thomas agrees with this commenter, who is arguing that:

Because the husband makes sex ALMOST as good for her as it is for him when it is being done for mutual enjoyment, then she should be happy to give him sexual favors when she’s uncomfortable.

Now, some women really enjoy giving sexual favours at this time–and if that’s you, all the power to you. Have fun! But this is not the norm, nor should it be expected to be.

God designed our bodies with rhythms, and it is not too much to ask men to honour those rhythms, especially when she just pushed out his child (or had major surgery to deliver his child).

Can we please make the conversation around her period and postpartum experience to be how he can make life easier for her when she is in pain, experiencing postpartum depression, not able to walk, cramping, nauseous, exhausted, or experiencing not enough milk supply or oversupply, rather than turning the conversation to making sure that he experiences enough ejaculations?

Saying, “as long as you give her enough orgasms, you can collect on yours” is not an improvement.

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Facebook

We seem to have forgotten that God did not make our bodies so that we would have the same energy levels, the same desires, the same experiences all the time. 

Instead, He created us to have rhythms. And that means that sometimes we won’t be able to experience what we do at other times. 

A wonderful Facebook commenter said this, and it got me thinking even more:

My response, as a midwife who deals in all those things, would be that while [desires] are natural, it is also natural for our bodies to go through cycles of rest and recovery. It’s the same reason all humans sleep, and why plants stop growing in winter.

God designed our bodies–designed all of nature–to require different things at different times.

We should always have marital intimacy, but intimacy does not always mean sex. The postpartum period is a time for the family to bond, for the husband to care for (nurture, protect, serve) the wife, and for the mother to recover from an arduous journey. Just because it is natural doesn’t mean it’s insignificant, or that no rest is necessary. It means that she’s in a different season for the time being, and men need to honor that not only as husbands who are instructed to love their wives sacrificially, but also as believers in the Creator’s divine order and design.

Facebook Commenter

Honouring rhythms of life means foregoing things when it’s appropriate or best.

Resting means we don’t get work done. Working really hard at times means that we may need more rest later. We need different things at different times.

But much of modern life is dedicated to making sure we’re able to do the SAME things all the time. Electricity meant that we stopped going to bed with the sun. The internet meant that we stopped going to bed when the good TV shows were over.

We’ve lost much of the rhythms of rest.

In modern life, women aren’t supposed to slow down on our periods. I’ve read stories that one of the reasons women don’t get help for heart attacks as quickly is because we’re so used to functioning with pain, and for many women period pain is worse than a heart attack, so we don’t realize how serious it is! When I think of the times I had horrible cramps and migraines and I had to get up on a stage and speak anyway–and I did it!–because that’s just what women do.

But our bodies were designed with rhythms when rest from sex, or even rest from strenuous activities, was best.

Our hormones even exist on a rhythm! The first part of the month women are high energy. After ovulation we’re more internally focused. Before our periods we get a burst of creative energy. Then we’re more contemplative. Imagine if we could organize our lives around those natural rhythms, doing the things that work best with our bodies!

Joanna, our co-author for The Great Sex Rescue, said something quite profound to me a few years ago. The concept of feasting in the Bible as a spiritual discipline–which it was!–only makes sense if you’re not feasting all the time.

Getting together as a community to have an amazing meal (or meals) and eat the bounty and celebrate only makes sense if you’re not gorging yourself on three desserts everyday normally. We’ve lost the spiritual discipline of feasting as a celebration largely because many of us live our lives feasting!

Spiritual disciplines means that there will be times of feasting and fasting; of resting and of hard work.

That is how God made us. That is how He set up Israel to function, with feasting times and fasting times.

He allowed women to have breaks when postpartum or on their periods. He saved a day for rest, when there would be absolutely no work, not even for the servants. Think about that! Rest and work; feast and fast.

Why is it, then, that it seems assumed that men must never, ever be asked to forego sex?

Not even a woman’s postpartum healing should prevent a man from getting ejaculation.

(And to put a further wrench in it, Gary Thomas implies in his book Married Sex that women get physically aroused giving hand jobs postpartum, as we detail in this podcast on postpartum sex advice in the evangelical world).

Perhaps part of the reason that men can’t let go of the obligation sex message, and that so many evangelical teachers explain that women should want to concentrate on their husband’s sexual release even when these women are in pain, nauseous, cramping, can’t walk, or exhausted, is that the idea of having to forego sex for even a small amount of time seems impossible to them.

But if that is so, then they have created sex as an idol. And they have forgotten that self-control is a fruit of the Spirit. And that it actually does us good to honour the rhythms that God has set up for us!

In the history of the Christian church, it was actually assumed that people would abstain from sex at various points in the church calendar. Protestants got rid of that (though not all branches of Protestantism), but throughout history, the norm was that men knew that sex would be off the table quite frequently. It was not assumed that life would be constant sex.

Yet Kevin Leman tells women that unless you’re willing to give sex every 48-72 hours for the rest of your life (even during your period, apparently, according to his anecdotes), then you shouldn’t marry.

What if you're NOT the problem with your sex life?

What if the messages that you've been taught have messed things up--and what if there's a way to escape these toxic teachings?

It's time for a Great Sex Rescue. Buy it on Amazon! Where Else Can I Buy It? Every Sunday night we have family dinner at my house.

I cook a super big dinner, and I always have chocolate for dessert. My 2 1/2 year old grandson doesn’t get a lot of sweets (though he eats tons of fruit!), and so having chocolate cake at Mimi and Papa’s house every Sunday night is a super big deal.

We all sit around the table, with the baby in the high chair, and we all just talk. Four generations of my family. And it’s lovely.

But we don’t do it every night because it would be too much. This makes it special.

Honouring rhythms makes celebrations more special.

We need to honour our bodies’ needs for rest; for the right kind of food; for bursts of hard work; for feasting; for fasting. We need to honour the way that God made us.

And that means that it should not be expected that men should get sexual release all the time, no matter what is going on, or else they are being deprived. We need to stop centering the marriage on his desire for ejaculation, and instead see how we can foster intimacy to meet with the rhythms of life. And that may mean that sometimes we’re feasting, and sometimes we’re fasting.

And that should be okay–because that’s how God made us.

What do you think? Have you forgotten rhythms in your life, or do you practice them? What does it look like? Let’s talk in the comments!

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

FacebookTwitter Related Posts 2 Things Pastors Should Never Say

Aug 9, 2022 | 45 Comments

I do not believe that pastors need to be perfect. I absolutely believe that all of us are works in...

Aug 8, 2022 | 20 Comments

My heart hurts when I hear stories of what happens when women (or children or men, for that...

If Supporting Mark Driscoll Doesn’t Disqualify Someone from Leadership, What Does?

Aug 5, 2022 | 28 Comments

We need shepherds to act like shepherds--and caring for sheep means not supporting someone who...

PODCAST: Meet Josephine Butler, The Hero You Never Knew

Aug 4, 2022 | 11 Comments

Have you ever heard the name Josephine Butler? If you were alive in London in 1880 you likely...

Why Do Some “Christian” Leaders Believe it’s Better for Women to be Killed than Raped?

Aug 3, 2022 | 135 Comments

There's been an alarming and disturbing conversation happening on social media lately about how...

Women, You Can Trust the Evidence in Front of You | The “All the Books” Short Film

Aug 2, 2022 | 11 Comments

What is the story that Christian marriage books are writing?  We know what they're telling--it's...

Psychology Today Says Women Are Getting Higher Standards–and Men Are Left Lonely

Aug 12, 2022 | 107 Comments

What if men are finding it hard to find a mate because women are getting higher standards? That's...

PODCAST: Meet Katharine Bushnell, Another Hero You Need–Plus Fixing Sexist Bible Translations

Aug 11, 2022 | 11 Comments

Time for another hero of the faith! Well, three, actually! This month we're telling amazing...

The post Can We Honor Our Bodies’ Rhythms? And Why that May Mean Saying No to Sex Sometimes appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Psychology Today Says Women Are Getting Higher Standards–and Men Are Left Lonely

What if men are finding it hard to find a mate because women are getting higher standards?

That’s the claim in a new article in Psychology Today that’s going crazy on social media right now: 

And I checked out the references the post uses, and they appear to hold up! A peer reviewed study does show that single men are lonelier than single women, and that loneliness among men is increasing.

Another study shows that men are more likely to be unpartnered long term than women, and that unpartnered men are faring worse than unpartnered women–and faring worse than unpartnered men did thirty years ago.

And, yes, more men are on dating apps than women.

So let’s look at the claims in the article! 

Women have higher standards about who they will date

The thrust of the article is that women are no longer willing to invest in men who haven’t invested in themselves. Women don’t want emotionally immature men who don’t know how to carry a conversation; don’t know how to pull their weight in a relationship; and aren’t willing to open up emotionally.

Women would rather be single than date someone like that.

And so women are super choosy on dating apps, and many have left the dating market altogether, leaving men in much fiercer competition for the women who remain.

The article says that the big problem is that men have a skills deficit:

For men, this means a relationship skills gap that, if not addressed, will likely lead to fewer dating opportunities, less patience for poor communication skills, and longer periods of being single. The problem for men is that emotional connection is the lifeblood of healthy, long-term love. Emotional connection requires all the skills that families are still not consistently teaching their young boys.

Greg Matos

The Rise of Lonely, Single Men, Psychology Today

This reminds me of the series I did on emotional maturity.

I wrote about how in evangelicalism, men are taught to not be emotionally mature.

In fact, our best-sellers encourage emotional immaturity in men.  And they also work directly against direct communication for men. 

I wonder, then, if this problem is actually greater in Christian communities. Many, many women have told me they prefer to date secular men than Christian men.

Women are pursuing higher education at greater numbers than men, so women are more likely to be highly educated (though men are more likely to be skilled in trades, which often leads to better pay). Women are more equipped to look after themselves in terms of running a household, and women have better emotional skills on the whole, and so aren’t as lonely even if they’re single.

When women are in a community, then, where women are seen as “less than”, and where they are expected to follow men’s opinions rather than their own; abdicate their own dreams in favor of their husbands; and exist as an appendage to their husband, many women are bowing out. Combine that with our evangelical culture that teaches that women are responsible for keeping men from sinning by dressing modestly and then by providing sexual favors when married (even during the postpartum phase), and many women are just saying no.

You may also enjoy:Our Emotional Maturity Series Our Direct Communication SeriesDo We Say that God Saves Women So Women Can Save Men? What if you're NOT the problem with your sex life?

What if the messages that you've been taught have messed things up--and what if there's a way to escape these toxic teachings?

It's time for a Great Sex Rescue. Buy it on Amazon! Where Else Can I Buy It?

All of this brings me to something else that happened this week that took me by surprise.

I shared a Fixed it For You of a man writing that a husband’s job is to get his wife ready for Jesus. 

 

See it on Facebook See it on Instagram

I couldn’t believe how much this blew up on all my social media channels! But what was interesting about this one was how many women were just done. Absolutely done. They were having none of it.

And yet I had pushback from many men, claiming this is how it should be.

Four and a half years ago, when this article was first published, I wrote about why husbands aren’t to get us ready for Jesus, and there was widespread support for my stance. But this year the support was accompanied by downright anger at the injustice and the distortion of the gospel to elevate men. So many women are completely and utterly fed up.

The truth is that a lot of women bring more to the table than many men do.

Women can care for themselves financially; can look after a home; can keep family relationships intact and together; can get their long term goals in place and pursue them. If they are going to marry, then, they need a partner who enhances their life; not someone that holds them back or makes more work for them. Men have to bring a lot to the table too.

This is not to say that men don’t; but increasingly stats are showing that young women are more impressive than young men, at least if you look at job prospects, emotional maturity, and life skills.

If you’re a man who honestly believes that you are to be your future wife’s leader and your job is to correct her, then, it’s going to get increasingly difficult to find a woman who wants to fill that role.

Women are realizing that we are whole people, made in the image of God, and that our allegiance lies first to Jesus, not to our husbands. It is Jesus that we are to follow. And men who want to find women who will obey them may find that it’s an awfully small pool they’re picking from.

I think this is a good thing, and a good trend, and I hope that it means that we start raising our boys to be more emotionally mature, more able to have good relationships, and more able to look after themselves and their households without a woman, so that they can pull their weight. Because if we want to raise boys who will be good catches, it’s about more than just making sure they go to church and making sure they have a job.

It’s about making sure they’re actually a good partner. And that starts with raising them to respect the girls around them, take responsibility for themselves, and not feel entitled to other people’s deference and obedience.

 

What do you think? Let’s talk in the comments!

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

FacebookTwitter Related Posts

Aug 8, 2022 | 20 Comments

My heart hurts when I hear stories of what happens when women (or children or men, for that...

If Supporting Mark Driscoll Doesn’t Disqualify Someone from Leadership, What Does?

Aug 5, 2022 | 28 Comments

We need shepherds to act like shepherds--and caring for sheep means not supporting someone who...

PODCAST: Meet Josephine Butler, The Hero You Never Knew

Aug 4, 2022 | 11 Comments

Have you ever heard the name Josephine Butler? If you were alive in London in 1880 you likely...

Why Do Some “Christian” Leaders Believe it’s Better for Women to be Killed than Raped?

Aug 3, 2022 | 135 Comments

There's been an alarming and disturbing conversation happening on social media lately about how...

Women, You Can Trust the Evidence in Front of You | The “All the Books” Short Film

Aug 2, 2022 | 11 Comments

What is the story that Christian marriage books are writing?  We know what they're telling--it's...

A Beauty to Rescue or a Beauty that Rescues?

Jul 29, 2022 | 69 Comments

Do women long to be rescued? I may have done a Fixed-it-for-you-too-far last night on social...

PODCAST: Meet Katharine Bushnell, Another Hero You Need–Plus Fixing Sexist Bible Translations

Aug 11, 2022 | 9 Comments

Time for another hero of the faith! Well, three, actually! This month we're telling amazing...

A Letter to the Woman with a Controlling Husband

Aug 10, 2022 | 5 Comments

Are you married to a controlling husband?    I first ran this post back in 2016, but as we're...

The post Psychology Today Says Women Are Getting Higher Standards–and Men Are Left Lonely appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

A Letter to the Woman with a Controlling Husband

Are you married to a controlling husband? 

 

I first ran this post back in 2016, but as we’re moving over to our new domain next week, and taking only the posts from 2018 and forward, I wanted to make sure this one came with us!

I refer to it a lot.

If you’re in this position, please know that you’re not alone, and you matter.

Sheila Wray Gregoire

I wrote a big post recently about how too often our Christian culture promotes a version of church and marriage that –and that this inevitably leads to abuse. Not that EVERY woman will be abused, but when we set up structures where one person has all the power, then people who want to control and abuse others will gravitate there.

Since then I have been inundated with emails about that subject, and several have been from women whose sisters/friends/cousins are married to controlling husbands. They want to help, but the wives refuse to see it.

I want to write today to that woman who is in an unhealthy marriage.

So let me address you personally.

Maybe you’re here because someone sent you to this blog. You’re probably nervous and suspicious, and I understand. But that special someone cares desperately about you, and desperately about God, and wants to see God’s love in your life. She isn’t seeing that right now.

So let’s start with some first principles.

God did not intend that anyone should control any other person. In fact, Jesus said just the opposite.

 

Mark 10:42-45 Jesus called them together and said, “You know that those who are regarded as rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be slave of all. For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” (NIV) People are not supposed to exercise authority harshly over one another or force other people to do their will. That is totally outside of the kingdom of God. And in Ephesians 5:21, before Paul starts writing specifically to the husband and wife, he begins his treatise on marriage like this:

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

Ephesians 5:21

The Christian life is about serving each other. It is NOT about controlling any other person or demanding obedience. In fact, if anyone does that, then they are acting in an unChristian manner. They are not reflecting God; they are reflecting the enemy.Therefore, your husband should not control you, and he is acting unbiblically if he does.

What does it mean for someone to control you? It means they act in such a way to exert extreme pressure or force to make you act according to their will.

These are all examples of control:

Examples of control in a marriageHe tells you who you can and cannot talk to, text, or message. He tries to stop you from seeing close friends and family.He hits you or physically exerts force in any way.He limits your access to money, keeping all the bank cards in his name and requiring you to ask him for cash.He demands an accounting of how you spend your time, what you thought about, or who you talked to.He yells repeatedly, and demands that you sit and listen to his tirades.He sexually abuses you, or pressures you to do things sexually that you are extremely uncomfortable with or think are sinful. He acts terribly towards you if you don’t have sex, and so you may have sex to avoid something bad.He verbally berates you, saying things like, “you would never survive in this world without me”, or “you’re too stupid to ever figure out real life.”He makes big decisions about jobs, schooling, housing, etc. without consulting you.He uses Scripture to tell you why you are wrong to question him or disagree with him in any way. He tells you that to disagree with him is to go against God’s will.He refuses to let you drive or have access to a vehicle.

That’s not an exhaustive list, but I hope you get the picture. If your husband is doing things on this list, then your husband is not serving you as Christ did.

But shouldn’t you submit to him anyway?

After all, if he’s not having an affair, then technically the marriage is still valid, right? And doesn’t that mean that you have to submit to him?

Let’s take a step back here.

What is God’s ultimate aim–that you do God’s will, or that you do your husband’s will?

It’s that you do God’s will, right? And yet many people assume that the two are one and the same thing.

But is that biblical? Absolutely not. In Acts 5, we read the story of Ananias and Sapphira, early Christians who wanted to curry favour with the apostles. So they sold some property, and then came and gave the money to the apostles. But they only gave a portion of the money, yet told the apostles it was the whole thing. Ananias came in first, told the false story, and God struck him dead. When Sapphira came in, she repeated the story that she and Ananias had agreed to, and Peter reprimanded her harshly, saying that she should not have gone along with Ananias.

She should have done the right thing, regardless of what her husband did.

And because she went along with Ananias, she was struck dead.

You are responsible for doing God’s will, not your husband’s will.

I have more about this question about abuse and marriage here.

But aren’t I supposed to obey my husband?

No, you’re not. You are not a child. In fact, you were made as a “suitable helper” for your husband, which doesn’t mean that you’re inferior at all. It’s closer to the meaning of being a “necessary ally”. God wants to use you in this relationship to help your husband!

 

Another Way to Look at It:

What Does It Mean to Obey Like Sarah?

Women: Follow Jesus First!

Listen to me here: You are not helping your husband if you let him control you.

I want you to really grasp this. If your husband is sinning by trying to control you or your children (and that is a sin), then the relationship does not reflect God’s will. It is to go against God’s will.

Let’s look at another relationship to see what I mean.

Let’s say that you had a sister who was a drug addict. She had already had two children taken away from her by children’s services. She’s pregnant again by who-knows-who? She comes to you one night, high as a kite, and asks to borrow $500. What do you do?

You say no, because it is not loving her to fuel the addiction.

God’s will is not that you be nice to everyone or that you do what everyone wants you to do so as not to rock the boat. God’s will is that everyone look more and more like Jesus (Romans 8:29). That means that the way you act should point people to Jesus, not away from Jesus.

If your husband is yelling at you and demanding that you give an account of your day, or demanding that you not see your family who loves you, then your husband to act less and less like Jesus everyday.

You don’t need to be part of that. You can step outside of that dynamic and say, “I don’t want to be part of this marriage dance that makes me suffer, which is not God’s will, and makes my husband look less like Jesus, which is not God’s will.”

You don’t need to be part of something that God doesn’t want. 

 

You are hurting your children if you allow your husband to control you and to control them. And you ARE responsible for your children.

In 1 Samuel 25 we read about a controlling husband–a man who yelled at everyone and made life difficult for everyone. Nabal (that was the guy’s name) offended David, and David and his warriors were about to come and wipe out the man and his servants and family.

Then Nabal’s wife Abigail, without Nabal’s knowledge, intervened. She intercepted David before he could do anything, made amends for her husband’s bad behaviour, and smoothed everything over. She did it to save her servants and her extended family.

She succeeded, and David was so impressed with her that after God struck Nabal dead, he asked for her hand in marriage.

So what did Abigail do? She disobeyed her husband. She did something without his knowledge and behind his back, because she knew that her servants were counting on her. If she did not intervene, they would be harmed. And God greatly blessed and rewarded her for it.

My dear sister, do you understand the implications of that? God cares about the little people who are under your care, too. If you have children, and your husband is berating or controlling them, or if they ar watching your husband beat or berate you (because studies show that a child witnessing a mother being hurt like that is as bad as being hurt themselves), then you are hurting your children. And God wants you to stand up for them, even if that means standing up to your husband.

So if you’ve decided your husband is controlling, what should you do now?

If you came to this blog because someone sent you, reach out to that person. They want to help you. They likely already have a plan of how to do that. Please, just talk to them, even if your husband doesn’t approve. God did not give him the right to restrict who you can talk to, and you do not have to listen to a command like that (just like Sapphira did not have to listen to a command to lie to the apostles).

If you just read this blog post on your own, then I’m going to suggest several things.

1. First, if you or your children are in imminent danger, seek help now.

Call the police. Talk to a women’s shelter. Make a plan of how you can get out quickly.

 

If you recognize yourself in these stories, please contact a Domestic Violence HotlineCanada: 800.799.SAFE (7233)United States: 1-800-621-HOPE (4673).United Kingdom: 08 08 16 89 111Australia: 1800 015 188New Zealand: 0800 456 450Kenya: 0-800-720-072Nigeria: 0800 033 3333South Africa: 0800 428 428

If you aren’t in imminent danger, then:

2. Read more about what God wants from a Christian marriage.

Here are some good books on the subject:

Is it Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing MarriageThe Emotionally Destructive MarriageHow to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts WrongOr check out my submission series on the blog.3. Find Your Voice

It’s very likely that by living in a controlling relationship you’ve lost your “voice”. You’ve lost the ability to speak up, or even to figure out what you want, because the only thing that you’ve been thinking for years is “what does he want”? Find a licensed counselor to talk to where you can practice saying out loud what you want in life. Find a mentor with whom you can practice saying out loud what it means to be redeemed in Christ, and what it means that you are precious and bought with a price. Seek out people who are healthy to talk to.

And read the Bible for yourself! Don’t only read the passages he tells you to read; read the gospels. You’ll see a gentle Jesus who loves, and a firm Jesus who stands up to injustice and to bullies.

4. Refuse the “Dance”

You can refuse to participate in his attempts to control you.

If he demands that you tell him what you did today, then you can tell him, “I don’t feel comfortable telling you these details if you don’t also share details with me.” If he demands to see your phone, say, “I’d be happy to share phones, but I’d like to see yours as well. It doesn’t seem as if this is a real partnership if you don’t trust me but I’m forced to trust you.” If he yells at you, then you can say, “I can see that you’re upset, and I’d be happy to talk to you about this, but I won’t talk while you’re yelling. I’m going to go in another room until you calm down.” And then leave the room.

In other words, don’t go along with what he says. Go and learn how to drive. March down to the bank and get access to the accounts, or start one of your own. Say no if he pressures you for something you’re not comfortable with in bed.

Note: if this behaviour is likely to trigger physical violence, then please seek out some help now!

Please Listen to Me: God does not want you treated like this.

If you are married to a controlling husband, God is grieved. He does not want  you treated like this. And He does not want your husband–God’s son–acting in this horrible way. By you standing up to your husband, or simply removing yourself from the situation (if that’s the only thing that’s safe), you allow you and your children a chance to heal and experience God’s love. But you may also give your husband the push he needs to work on his own issues.

You are precious in God’s eyes. Do not let anyone, even your husband–and especially your husband–ever make you doubt that.

 

What would you say to her? Have you ever been in this situation? Let’s talk in the comments!

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

FacebookTwitter Related Posts PODCAST: Meet Josephine Butler, The Hero You Never Knew

Aug 4, 2022 | 11 Comments

Have you ever heard the name Josephine Butler? If you were alive in London in 1880 you likely...

Why Do Some “Christian” Leaders Believe it’s Better for Women to be Killed than Raped?

Aug 3, 2022 | 135 Comments

There's been an alarming and disturbing conversation happening on social media lately about how...

Women, You Can Trust the Evidence in Front of You | The “All the Books” Short Film

Aug 2, 2022 | 11 Comments

What is the story that Christian marriage books are writing?  We know what they're telling--it's...

A Beauty to Rescue or a Beauty that Rescues?

Jul 29, 2022 | 69 Comments

Do women long to be rescued? I may have done a Fixed-it-for-you-too-far last night on social...

Men’s Podcast: Do You Know What Your Wife Has Been Taught About Sex?

Jul 28, 2022 | 9 Comments

What if your wife has been taught toxic things about sex--and you don't even realize it? This...

When Parents Enable Adult Children To Be Moochers

Jul 27, 2022 | 22 Comments

Adult children can seriously take advantage of their parents–and seriously be moochers....

2 Things Pastors Should Never Say

Aug 9, 2022 | 45 Comments

I do not believe that pastors need to be perfect. I absolutely believe that all of us are works in...

Aug 8, 2022 | 20 Comments

My heart hurts when I hear stories of what happens when women (or children or men, for that...

The post A Letter to the Woman with a Controlling Husband appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

2 Things Pastors Should Never Say

I do not believe that pastors need to be perfect.

I absolutely believe that all of us are works in progress, and that we will always have areas where we need to grow.

And I think it’s a good idea, in general, for pastors to admit when they’re still growing or where they have certain areas they’re working on.

However–and this is a big however–there’s a huge difference between a struggle to love well and a struggle to not abuse or objectify someone.

Struggling about how to communicate well with your spouse when you’re just so tired? Struggling with how to prioritize everyone’s needs while work is also stressful? Struggling to become more disciplined while you’re trying to prioritize your health? Trying to defeat materialism and get God’s view of money?

Totally understandable. Things that everyone goes through. Yep.

But then there are other struggles–struggles to not watch porn or not to lust, for instance. Or I was recently reading a big marriage blog where the couple said that they’re having struggles because she doesn’t feel safe sharing around him because of their past problems and current dynamics.

If a wife doesn’t feel safe, that’s not a run of the mill marriage problem. That’s a serious marriage problem.

It’s one thing to say,

Earlier in our marriage, I treated her badly, and I often belittled and criticized her. I got help for that and I don’t do it anymore, but sometimes when I get careless or busy I can trigger her to think that we’re going back to that dynamic.

So we’ve learned a quick thing to do is for her to say a phrase, like, “am I safe?”, and I immediately realize what I’m doing and give her my 100% attention so she knows that old me hasn’t crept in again.

You see, that would be showing, “the abusive me was in the past, and I recognize and own the problem, and I take steps to correct it.”

But if you just admit that your wife doesn’t feel safe with you, then you have a dynamic that isn’t safe. And this is not someone who should be teaching about marriage, and really not someone who should be leading a congregation.

There is a difference between normal struggles that people face, and struggles caused by one person trying to control another or use another.

We need to start making a clear differentiation between the two.

If someone is trying to control or use another, that person is unfit for the pastorate, and is unfit for any teaching role.

And, I would argue, if someone doesn’t recognize how dangerous trying to control or use someone is, they are also unfit for the pastorate and unfit for any teaching role.

(see also–what do I do if my husband is a pastor or missionary and he uses porn?)

When pastors “confess” certain sins that use, abuse, or degrade another, they make people, especially women, unsafe.That’s why there are two things that I believe a pastor or speaker should never say from the pulpit:They should never tell anecdotes where objectification or lust of others is normalizedThey should never tell anecdotes where they were abusive towards someone, and this is ongoing (or where someone else did, and it’s seen as normal behaviour).

When abuse or objectification are confessed from the pulpit, as if they were any other sins and aren’t treated as something that disqualifies them, it normalizes these sins, making it harder for women to fight against them in their marriage.

It also makes women especially (though also men) feel unsafe with the pastor.

To show you what I mean, here’s a brilliant Facebook post that was written by Ngina Otiende from Intentional Today. I really appreciate Ngina. I had her on the podcast a while ago to talk about why she’s changed how she teaches about marriage, and she’s been sharing AMAZING posts on Facebook. She’s on FIRE (and you really need to follow her!).

I recently heard a speaker talk about how he and his wife addressed a huge crisis in their marriage.

The gist: Prolonged emotional disconnection had led to prolonged sexual disconnection. Sexual disconnection led to his sexual infidelity.

Rather than help people, here’s what this speaker did.

He outed himself as an unsafe man.He devasted the women in the audience ravaged by the evil that is infidelity.He pretty much told the men “if your wife is not giving any, you can look for it elsewhere because men need sex and when they can’t get it from their wives they’ll find it elsewhere and that’s just the way God created them.” “Women, it doesn’t matter if your husband has abandoned you emotionally/you’re feeling emotionally disconnected; you give up the goods. If you don’t, you’re a terrible woman who is driving her poor husband into the arms of another woman.Women: Can we just say “no” to men putting their sin on us?

Let’s say “no” to pastors and preachers pressuring us to fix problems that have nothing to do with us.

Let’s normalize walking out of rooms and spaces that traumatize/retraumatize us.

If the takeaways from this pastor’s illustration were

how he took responsibility for his sin of infidelity,how he alone was responsible for breaking his marriage vowthe steps he took to address his misogyny, entitlement, and woundshow he created safety for his wife and earned back her trust,how they eventually were able to address the issues that led to the emotional disconnection

Then perhaps it would have been a sermon worth listening to.

(It was a very problematic sermon, overall, but that part could have been salvageable.)

The thing is, emotional disconnection in marriage is a symptom of something else going on.

It is not the actual problem. Spouses need to be taught how to diagnose issues, not encouraged to bypass symptoms and engage in dummy “solutions.”

No one should feel pressured to have sex with someone they are not feeling connected to. Healthy sex is about intimacy and connection, not about “male sexual release” or fusing of male and female g*nitalia.

When the emotional connection is missing in a marriage, sex should automatically be off the table as a couple seeks to address the root cause of the disconnection.

A sex life devoid of emotional connection is traumatizing. Horrendously traumatizing. Expecting or pressurizing a woman to be sexually available to a husband when she is not feeling it, is cruel. It is sex without consent. It is encouraging marital r*pe.

My heart is grieving today. Oh, we have such a long way to go, church.

For the men who’ve been counseled incorrectly, who’ve been taught that they are owed sex, and they can’t do without sex, but they want to explore and do better, you’re not alone. There’s plenty of help. Check out:

Andrew J. Bauman Read his books and blogs and check out his coachingKeith and Sheila Gregoire’s To Love, Honor and Vacuum. Read their Good Guys Guide to Great Sex book.

We serve a wonderful, safe and loving God. He does not coercively control or devastate. He is not mean. He is not a user. He is safe. Our marriages should reflect Him.

Ngina Otiende

On Facebook

The All New Guides to Great Sex!Available now! Imagine building a great sex life--from the ground up!

What would it look like to build a picture of sex that was MUTUAL, INTIMATE, and PLEASURABLE FOR BOTH--with no harmful messages?

Welcome to the The Good Guy's Guide to Great Sex and the ALL NEW Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex. Get them NOW!

And let's make these the go-to wedding shower gifts!

Order Now

I think Ngina’s exactly right.

It also reminds me of this:

Women should not have to feel as if they are not safe in church.

But when pastors and male evangelical leaders tell us that it’s inevitable that men will lust and want to undress them with their eyes, why would we want to be anywhere near them?

Seriously, after reading all of these evangelical marriage and sex books, I have a long list of male evangelical leaders I will NEVER allow myself to be in a room with. 

Women deserve to feel safe, and if pastors can’t help but objectify and lust after the women in their congregation, then they should deal with that, rather than subject women to it. Because as we found in our survey of men for The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex, lust is NOT every man’s battle. There is no excuse. Jesus didn’t objectify women, and men can learn to treat women as whole people, made in the image of God, too.

I think we need to set higher standards of pastors and leaders so that people are protected.

Church should be our safe haven, not the place where we feel the least safe. Church should be a place where treating each other well is normalized, not where it’s assumed that others will try to control or objectify you.

I think this can change. Next time your pastor does this, write a letter to the elders’ board explaining how that made you feel. If the response is not positive, consider leaving that church. If we stopped putting up with this, I think we’d see real change. 

What do you think? Has a pastor ever said anything that made you feel unsafe? Let’s talk in the comments!

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

FacebookTwitter Related Posts Why Do Some “Christian” Leaders Believe it’s Better for Women to be Killed than Raped?

Aug 3, 2022 | 134 Comments

There's been an alarming and disturbing conversation happening on social media lately about how...

Women, You Can Trust the Evidence in Front of You | The “All the Books” Short Film

Aug 2, 2022 | 11 Comments

What is the story that Christian marriage books are writing?  We know what they're telling--it's...

A Beauty to Rescue or a Beauty that Rescues?

Jul 29, 2022 | 68 Comments

Do women long to be rescued? I may have done a Fixed-it-for-you-too-far last night on social...

Men’s Podcast: Do You Know What Your Wife Has Been Taught About Sex?

Jul 28, 2022 | 9 Comments

What if your wife has been taught toxic things about sex--and you don't even realize it? This...

When Parents Enable Adult Children To Be Moochers

Jul 27, 2022 | 22 Comments

Adult children can seriously take advantage of their parents–and seriously be moochers....

What if Your Husband’s a Missionary or Pastor and He’s Using Porn?

Jul 26, 2022 | 20 Comments

What do you do when your husband is in the ministry and you catch him using porn? I wrote about...

Aug 8, 2022 | 20 Comments

My heart hurts when I hear stories of what happens when women (or children or men, for that...

If Supporting Mark Driscoll Doesn’t Disqualify Someone from Leadership, What Does?

Aug 5, 2022 | 27 Comments

We need shepherds to act like shepherds--and caring for sheep means not supporting someone who...

The post 2 Things Pastors Should Never Say appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Stop Making Women Powerless in the Name of God

My heart hurts when I hear stories of what happens when women (or children or men, for that matter) are made powerless.

 

In about a week or so we’ll be moving the blog over to a new domain, taking only the posts from 2018 with us.

I have some posts from pre-2018 that I wanted to make sure came over, so I’m rerunning some of them this summer!

Here’s an important one, about how incorrect theology can make women powerless.

So here’s me writing back in April of 2016!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

I’m on a road trip this week speaking in Alberta and Manitoba, and one of the nice things for me about flying is that I finally get to read a novel. I don’t read many novels at home; when I start a book I can’t put it down until it’s done, and that doesn’t bode well for finishing up stuff. So I tend to reserve my reading for airline flights.

I cracked open Luther and Katharina, a historical novel about the romance between Martin Luther, the leader of the Reformation, and former nun Katharina von Bora.

It was riveting. Jody Hedlund made the characters come alive, and the magnitude of the issues that Luther was facing, and the weight that was on his shoulders, was immense.

But what really stayed with me was the story of Katharina’s experiences in the abbey.

In the Middle Ages it was common practice for noble families to “abandon” their daughters at convents when they were very young–5, 6, or 7. They’d give a large donation to the convent, and then the girl would be basically imprisoned there for the rest of her life. She couldn’t leave.

Daughters, you see, were expensive. They needed dowries. Much easier to give them over to the church and earn spiritual brownie points in the process.

So think of these poor little girls, torn from their families, sent to a convent from which they will never leave. Never the choice to marry. Never the choice to do anything.

But worst of all, what happens when a young woman with no outside protection lives in a place where unrelated men have full power? Priests and bishops would visit, and would often abuse the girls and the nuns. It was commonplace.

My heart is torn in two.

I can’t fathom such evil, and yet I know that this is the story of history.

Whenever girls or women have no recourse and no power, sexual abuse runs rampant.

But it’s true in other realms as well. When people live in abject poverty, they are often forced into virtual (or real) slavery, and beaten at will. The quest for freedom in Europe, and later in North America and throughout the world, was really a quest for justice–that the nobility and the clergy couldn’t beat, kill, rape, or steal from those in their power at will. That people could live in safety, and could have the assurance that if wrong was done to them, they had legal recourse.

And God’s heart is with the powerless. Just read the Old Testament prophets to see! The most common accusation he lays at the feet of those being judged is that they oppressed the poor and powerless. God doesn’t take this lightly, and He knows how rampant it is.

Whenever people have power without checks, then the powerless are abused.

It’s been said that power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely.

I agree with this to a certain extent. I think that there can be good and godly leaders who have major power. I believe that there were godly priests and bishops in the Middle Ages. I believe that there were even godly kings and queens, though they may have been few and far between.

But here’s the funny thing about power: those who have an urge to dominate and subjugate others will naturally gravitate to positions where they have power over others.

Most people don’t actually enjoy controlling others. Those who do often deliberately aim for it. Did joining the SS in Nazi Germany make one evil, or did evil people gravitate towards the SS because of the power the SS provided? I’m inclined to think it’s a combination of both, but that the second is likely more important. Evil gravitates to opportunities to do evil.

On the other hand, where such opportunities are much harder to come by, those who may naturally be tempted to go in that direction may never even act on that temptation.That’s why good civil government, good church structure, and good family structure matters. When we set up these institutions so that leaders have checks, balances, and accountability, and those at the bottom of the totem pole have the ability to stop something bad from happening (or at least punishing it when it does happen), then far fewer people do bad things.

Unfortunately, though, power over others is intoxicating.

Look at the megachurch pastors who are abusing their power and being caught in abuse scandals. While most rightly find this abhorrent, within humanity is the drive to hurt and dominate. We see it in Nigeria where Boko Haram kidnaps Christian girls. We see it in North Korea where the peasants starve on the whim of a megalomaniac leader. We saw it in Nazi Germany, in the slave trade, in the aboriginal schools in Canada where so many children were sexually abused. Where people have power over others, the powerless suffer immensely.

Having Power over Others Has No Place in the Kingdom of God

What scares me is that I have noticed lately that there are strands of Christianity, especially in North America, that seem to be trying to define faith in terms of “power”–that leaders (or shepherds) have power over sheep.

I believe that Matthew 20:25-28 contradicts this view:

Jesus called them together and said, “You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave—just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”

Matthew 20:25-28

Many churches now require membership covenants, where upon membership you agree to be under church discipline, even if that discipline is ill-defined. Some churches have made headlines by enforcing church discipline when women try to leave abusive husbands–or leave husbands who have been charged with viewing child porn (as The Village Church did). Other churches are set up so that the pastor can’t really be questioned or removed, and some high profile pastors have had to step down in scandal lately because of their domineering management style.

(Note: Interesting that back in 2016 I was already referring to Mark Driscoll  here).

It should hardly be surprising that many leaders of Christian movements who operated in a domineering, centralized power structure have recently fallen due to sexual sin, like Bill Gothard, the now disgraced leader of a major homeschooling movement. When you set up an organization with one person at the head who cannot be questioned, is it any surprise if that person ends up abusing others?

You may also enjoy:Our Submission SeriesThe Slippery Slope of Giving Men Power over Women Plus the podcast that went with itWhy unconditional respect doesn’t workOur “Be a Biblical Woman” merch Christianity is about servanthood. It is not about power.

I loved this tweet I saw this week:

Us: Jesus says to be LEADERS!

Jesus: I said "servant".

Us: OK, then Jesus says to be SERVANT-LEADERS!

Jesus: I said "servant".

Us: Rats

— Brant Hansen (@branthansen) April 13, 2016

When Christian leaders attempt to consolidate power, and then say that if people oppose them they are opposing God, that is a major red flag. Christian organizations must get away from a power structure which cannot be questioned and instead move to a model of authority with accountability where servanthood is the aim, not power. But it doesn’t end there.

What does this have to do with marriage?

Christians differ on the issue of authority in marriage. Some say that God has given the husband authority over the wife, while others say that God has called both men and women to serve each other and work to each other’s best.

I hope that we can all agree, though, that power has no place in marriage.

Power always leads to abuse. Always. When we give people power over another person while denying that person the ability or opportunity to get help or to get justice, then we open the doors for abuses of that power.

I spoke last Saturday at a one-day marriage conference. During the Q&A panel, we were asked if it is okay for an abused woman to divorce her husband, or if that is breaking a covenant. I replied that if a woman is abused, the husband has already broken the covenant. She is not the one doing so by leaving. Later on a woman came up to me with tears in her eyes and thanked me for saying that. She had left an abusive marriage a decade earlier, and was now seeing a wonderful man who wanted to marry her. But she couldn’t stop the thought that she would be wrong to do so, since she was likely wrong to divorce her ex-husband. She had gone to seek marriage counseling with her mother when the abuse was at its worst, and the female counselor had told her to figure out what she was doing to provoke him, and then to stop doing that, because God took marriage vows seriously.

Her mother stood up, told the counselor that they would no longer be needing her services, and dragged her daughter out of there.

I thought we had won this battle years ago, but we haven’t.

Women are still being told that they must submit to abuse, or, like Debi Pearl says, try not to provoke an angry husband, as if the abuse is her fault. But even if a church doesn’t condone abuse, when a church says that a woman must obey her husband and must never question him, then that church is putting the husband in a place that only Jesus should have. We must all submit to Jesus’ authority, and that means that none of us should ever impose our will on another, especially another who has no way of getting justice should injustice be done.

Please, if you’re in a denomination that tells you that women must blindly follow their husbands without speaking up, remember: this may work for your marriage. You may be married to a good man. But what if your sister is not? What if your daughter marries someone who is harsh? What of the other women in your church? Let’s be clear: Power has no place in a Jesus-following church or in a Jesus-centered marriage. Power says, “my will be done”, not “Thy will be done”. And whenever we follow human’s will rather than God’s will, injustice ensues.

For the sake of the Chibok girls in Nigeria; for the memories of raped slaves in the South; for the girls who are sold on the streets in Cambodia; for the children who were raped by priests; for the young girls who were assaulted by homeschooling idols; for the girls who are married off in polygamous cults; for the young boys who are used as slaves in India; for the young women who are kept as sex slaves in the Middle East; for the beaten women and children in the West who were told to “submit”; for the memories of the women who were raped in Nanking or used as prostitutes by the Nazi army; for the many indigenous Canadian children in unmarked graves near residential schools–please. Please.

Let’s not create the conditions for any of this to happen again, especially in the name of Jesus.

We have the authority, as part of the priesthood of believers, to say no. Use that authority. Stop the power abuses. No more.

What do you think? Let’s talk in the comments!

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

FacebookTwitter Related Posts Women, You Can Trust the Evidence in Front of You | The “All the Books” Short Film

Aug 2, 2022 | 11 Comments

What is the story that Christian marriage books are writing?  We know what they're telling--it's...

A Beauty to Rescue or a Beauty that Rescues?

Jul 29, 2022 | 68 Comments

Do women long to be rescued? I may have done a Fixed-it-for-you-too-far last night on social...

Men’s Podcast: Do You Know What Your Wife Has Been Taught About Sex?

Jul 28, 2022 | 9 Comments

What if your wife has been taught toxic things about sex--and you don't even realize it? This...

When Parents Enable Adult Children To Be Moochers

Jul 27, 2022 | 22 Comments

Adult children can seriously take advantage of their parents–and seriously be moochers....

What if Your Husband’s a Missionary or Pastor and He’s Using Porn?

Jul 26, 2022 | 19 Comments

What do you do when your husband is in the ministry and you catch him using porn? I wrote about...

When Are Wet Towels on the Bed More than Just Wet Towels on the Bed?

Jul 25, 2022 | 29 Comments

Did you know that 45,000 receive an email from me every Friday with a round-up of things from the...

If Supporting Mark Driscoll Doesn’t Disqualify Someone from Leadership, What Does?

Aug 5, 2022 | 27 Comments

We need shepherds to act like shepherds--and caring for sheep means not supporting someone who...

PODCAST: Meet Josephine Butler, The Hero You Never Knew

Aug 4, 2022 | 11 Comments

Have you ever heard the name Josephine Butler? If you were alive in London in 1880 you likely...

The post appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

If Supporting Mark Driscoll Doesn’t Disqualify Someone from Leadership, What Does?

We need shepherds to act like shepherds–and caring for sheep means not supporting someone who preyed on sheep.

Caring for the sheep means not supporting someone like Mark Driscoll, whose spiritual abuse caused Mars Hill in Seattle, the denomination he created, to implode, and whose misogyny was legendary. All of this was well-documented last year in the Rise and Fall of Mars Hill podcast, though it was well known long before that (I wrote about Driscoll back in 2014).

This has all come to a head again lately because Andy Wood, the chosen successor for Rick Warren at the massive Saddleback Church, invited Mark Driscoll to speak at his leadership conference last year.

Think about that: even knowing everything we know about Driscoll, Wood invited him to share the platform.

On Fridays I usually do a round up of social media, but this week I’d like to walk you through a story that’s been building.

I’m just getting over COVID, and wasn’t feeling well enough for most of the week to do much of anything (other than write the epic post about the pastor arguing that women should choose death over rape). I spent more time on Twitter this week than normal, because I wasn’t feeling well enough to do much else, but I was bored out of my mind.

And while on Twitter, I saw a picture that pastor Josh Howerton posted of a group of pastors praying over Andy Wood before he goes to Saddleback.

You may remember Josh Howerton from:Why is Josh Howerton asking for advise on how to ethically plagiarize?How Josh Howerton misused research to prove an agenda (podcast)Our Baptist News article detailing Howerton’s misuse of research

(I can’t share the actual tweet since I’m blocked;  here’s a screenshot):

I found this alarming, All of these men are supporting Andy Wood, but I think that anyone who invites Mark Driscoll to speak should be automatically disqualified from leadership (unless they realize their mistake when it’s pointed out, sincerely apologize, and make amends).

The only way we will clean up the evangelical church from those who spiritually abuse so blatantly and from those who are so openly misogynistic is if we stop giving them oxygen.

The fact that he would choose to enlarge a spiritually abusive man’s platform shows that the sheep are not Andy Wood’s primary consideration.

However, Andy Wood has issues of his own regarding spiritual abuse.

He has been accused by Jason and Lori Adams-Brown of acting in an abusive way towards them when they were on staff (you can read about that at The Roys Report). Saddleback Church did ask their head hunting firm to look into these allegations, and the firm cleared Andy Wood of these allegations, and a second firm said that they did the investigation adequately (abuse expert Boz Tchividjian is unpersuaded) . I have several questions, though:

Did they decide that Lori Adams-Brown was lying, or did they decide that what happened to her did not rise to the level of abuse?Did Echo Church give their former employees permission to break their NDAs?Did they interview everyone who has an NDA? (there are strong indications the answer to this is no).

Saddleback Church is a huge church that Rick and Kay Warren built. It would be heartbreaking to see it go ahead with a pastor with such huge, glaring issues. (More on the issues in this report).

And, as I said, besides the spiritual abuse, hiring Mark Driscoll should be an automatic disqualifier. 

If pastors could get together to pray for Andy Wood, why could they not get together before the conference last year and tell  him not to invite Mark Driscoll?

If they have that close a relationship with him, then why is that relationship not leveraged to call Andy Wood to account? Why do big name pastors not do the hard work of caring for the sheep?

And I think I have my answer (courtesy of Julie Roys, who discovered it).

They don’t think it’s a big deal either, because Josh Howerton himself advertised Mark Driscoll:

 

There is so much more going on it’s hard to explain it all–he was defending Andy Wood against accusations that some of Wood’s victims are silenced because of NDAs, and he said that he never personally used NDAs. Then Erin Harding on Twitter produced what looks like current (or at least within the last two years, given the logo) employment contracts from Lakepointe Church that include confidentiality clauses, indistinguishable from NDAs. He accused people of beating up on him and started blocking people. Here’s a good thread documenting the issues.

What I’m asking for is that pastors stop protecting each other and start protecting the sheep.

This should not be that difficult.

But why does this happen? Why do pastors rally around each other?

I have a theory.

I think celebrity Christian culture is a huge draw, and pastors want to become well known and create huge churches.

Not all pastors. But many.

And it’s these “famous” pastors who write all the books (most are ghost-written, actually), speak at the conferences, and get featured on the big websites.

To become well known and famous, you need to keep the relationships with other big names and famous people close. So there is incentive to support each other and never hold others to account.

In other words, many of the people who are famous “pastors”, and who give spiritual counsel to other “pastors”, don’t know much about pastoring.

Compare a megachurch pastor like Josh Howerton’s week with the week of many small town pastors.

Picture Jim, who pastors a church of 175 in a small community. His week began by meeting with contractors for the new accessible bathroom they want to put in the church. They’ve been raising money for this for ages, and he had to sign off on the final plans.

He met with Dave and Sandy, who are getting married in a few weeks, for another pre-marital counseling session. He really, really likes this couple, and they ended up talking for longer than they intended, so his sermon prep got delayed.

But most of the week was taken up with a funeral for one of the saints at his church, a woman who was 92, who was estranged from all but one of her kids. Before the funeral he had several meetings with angry family members, trying to get them to talk to each other and agree on what was going to be at the funeral.

In the middle of the drama of that this week, he had to go to the Wednesday night youth group party to welcome some new youth to the area this year and show support for the fledgling group of 11 kids, one of whom is his own.

He came home after the funeral on Thursday, exhausted. He only has a vague idea of what he’s going to preach this Sunday, but Friday he’s hoping he has enough time in the office to plan it all out.

He’s going to have to play piano on Sunday, too, because the normal pianist is at the cottage for the weekend. He doesn’t mind playing piano; it relaxes him and he’s really good at it. But it means he’ll have to go over the songs as well.

I don’t know everything Josh Howerton was doing this week, but I do know he had a lot of time to spend on social media, and he seems to be spending time connecting with other big name pastors, who were supporting him on social media.

i’m wondering if any of his parishioners were in the hospital, and needed someone to visit him?

The odd thing is that in our church culture, we think Jim could learn from Josh, because Josh’s church is so big. But what if it’s actually the other way around?

That’s what i wrote on Facebook, and what I want to finish with:

 

What if small time pastors have something to teach megachurch pastors–rather than the other way around?

How can pastors be part of the SOLUTION to toxic teachings and culture in the church?

I’ve been calling out some big name pastors for endorsing disqualified and misogynistic pastor Mark Driscoll.

But many pastors are wonderful, and they HAVE called out this stuff. We just don’t see it because they don’t have big platforms.

To those pastors: we are so grateful. We are glad there are safe shepherds.

But you have more power than you realize. If we are going to change the culture in the evangelical church, we have to attack the one of the big roots: Celebrity Christianity. Here’s how you can:

Stop buying books by big name pastors. If they are a pastor and they are writing books and traveling regularly for conferences, they simply don’t have the time or bandwidth to shepherd the sheep the way that you do. They don’t have things to really teach you about how to be a shepherd. They are not your mentors; YOU are THEIR mentor.Stop going to conferences with big name speakers. Take the money that you would normally spend on those conferences and meet together with Christian leaders in your community on a retreat. Minister to each other, hear each other’s hearts, and learn from each other.Read books that are written by those who aren’t represented in leadership–who aren’t your typical white, male, upper middle class, married man. Read books by those who resemble your congregation more than they resemble the headliners at the conferences.Listen to podcasts by interesting people who teach you insights you didn’t know, rather than people who mirror back what you hear everywhere you look.(Added from a reader!) Read psychology journal articles. Read sociology magazines. Know what issues are likely facing your congregation. Did you know that roughly 20% of Christian women experience marital rape? 1/5 girls and 1/9 boys have been sexually assaulted before 18? 22% of evangelical women experience vaginismus? 13% of teenagers have had at least one depressive episode in the last year? Did you know that 43% of women who have had an abortion attended church at least once a month when they got their abortion? Would knowing these statistics, and others like them, change your sermons?

So many pastors today are stepping on their sheep in order to build platforms for themselves–and they’re doing this because celebrity Christian culture gives them a way to.

If we got back to shepherds knowing the sheep, becoming vulnerable with the sheep, and serving the sheep, we’d be far healthier.

And many of you are already doing that so well. You don’t need to learn from celebrity pastors; they need to learn from you.

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Facebook

That’s what I want to end with: Pastors who are truly caring for the sheep, we see you. We appreciate you.

You may not have flashy churches with expensive, huge sanctuaries, huge travel and conference budgets, and staff to run interference for you (though some of you might).

You may not be preaching to thousands every weekend (though some of you might).

But if you’re caring for those Jesus has given you, you are doing the Lord’s work. God doesn’t judge in numbers.

Be faithful. And thank you for doing the hard work.

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

FacebookTwitter Related Posts A Beauty to Rescue or a Beauty that Rescues?

Jul 29, 2022 | 67 Comments

Do women long to be rescued? I may have done a Fixed-it-for-you-too-far last night on social...

Men’s Podcast: Do You Know What Your Wife Has Been Taught About Sex?

Jul 28, 2022 | 9 Comments

What if your wife has been taught toxic things about sex--and you don't even realize it? This...

When Parents Enable Adult Children To Be Moochers

Jul 27, 2022 | 22 Comments

Adult children can seriously take advantage of their parents–and seriously be moochers....

What if Your Husband’s a Missionary or Pastor and He’s Using Porn?

Jul 26, 2022 | 19 Comments

What do you do when your husband is in the ministry and you catch him using porn? I wrote about...

When Are Wet Towels on the Bed More than Just Wet Towels on the Bed?

Jul 25, 2022 | 29 Comments

Did you know that 45,000 receive an email from me every Friday with a round-up of things from the...

Let’s Talk About Wet Towels on the Bed

Jul 22, 2022 | 49 Comments

So the wet towels anecdote from Love & Respect has gone big on social media this week. And I...

PODCAST: Meet Josephine Butler, The Hero You Never Knew

Aug 4, 2022 | 11 Comments

Have you ever heard the name Josephine Butler? If you were alive in London in 1880 you likely...

Why Do Some “Christian” Leaders Believe it’s Better for Women to be Killed than Raped?

Aug 3, 2022 | 119 Comments

There's been an alarming and disturbing conversation happening on social media lately about how...

The post If Supporting Mark Driscoll Doesn’t Disqualify Someone from Leadership, What Does? appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.