Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 3
July 19, 2022
AGING PARENTS SERIES: Setting Boundaries with Aging Parents
This week I’m re-running a series I wrote a few years ago. We started yesterday talking about how parents should really try to help their adult children who will be caring for them one day, by moving closer, getting rid of stuff, and creating a life of their own so they’re not totally dependent on their kids.
It hit close to home with lots of comments here and on social media, and so I’d like to delve a little further into this.
So let’s start with a central question: How much is it reasonable to expect that you will do for aging parents?
Before I can answer that, let’s go back to first principles about what God wants from us.
Biblical Principles About Caring for RelativesOur primary responsibility on earth is to our families1 Timothy 5:8 says:
Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.
1 Timothy 5:8We are to honour and respect and care for our parents; Jesus even rebuked the Pharisees for giving money to the temple that they should have been using to care for their parents! (Mark 7-9-13).
People should reap what they sow, and our well-being matters too.At the same time, as many people mentioned yesterday, there are limits to this.
Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. Galatians 6:7Some of us grew up in abusive homes where parents treated us cruelly, and where parents still do treat us cruelly, and to continue to submit yourself to that is harmful for your own emotional well-being. The Bible talks a lot about shaking the dust off your feet and having nothing to do with fools, and some people may need to leave parents behind. Others may need to draw firm limits.
I can’t speak to what that should look like, because it does vary in each person’s case, but we should not feel that just because someone gave birth to us that this means that we are obligated to help them for life if they also abused us.
Now, some more perspectives:
We are to help each otherPaul writes in Galatians 6:2,
Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. Galatians 6:2 However, we are also to be responsible for ourselves.Paul then writes three verses later:
for each one should carry their own load. Galatians 6:5Here’s what’s interesting about “load” vs. “burden”: In the Greek, a “load” is something that someone should be expected to carry by themselves. A burden is something which is too heavy for one person to bear.
What do these four principles say when you put them all together?First, all of us are responsible to do for ourselves what we can do for ourselves. Nevertheless, people will have burdens that they will need help with. When that happens, we are responsible first to care for the burdens in our own families before we try to carry the burdens of others. This responsibility, however, is not absolute.
Keeping that in mind, then, let’s look at a scenario that was left in the comments to the original version of yesterday’s post:
My in-laws are aging and live in an old home that they are constantly working on. Trouble is, they don’t have the stamina or ability to do as much as they once could. They often mention having my husband come drive the hour and a half to help. But we have our own old farmhouse that needs attention, and multiple young kids who crave time with their Dad when he is not at work! And then there is time to try and connect in our marriage, extra curriculars for kids ( we only have one car) and church obligations. Not to mention we don’t have family who are willing to babysit our kids for a few hours so we can actually go on a date or something. I feel so unchristian but I get so frustrated at the expectation that my husband should be there to help when they are doing things that they are not as capable doing anymore that are not necessities. And the downsizing is key too. We have talked at length at how in the world we are ever going to deal with all the stuff eventually. And as a one, lower income family trying hard to make smart financial decisions, this kind of stuff keeps us up at night. We are often the ones expected to travel for every holiday too to various family members. The gas costs are often a stress for us. We never do live up to the expectations imposed on us and I sometimes wonder if God is so very disappointed in us and thinks we are selfish.
Okay, great question! I really love Dr. Henry Cloud’s and Dr. John Townsend’s approach in their book Boundaries. They take a biblical look at how to decide BOTH what we say no to and what we say yes to–because when we’re saying yes to something, we’re simultaneously saying no to something else. There is only so much time, energy, and money that each person has, and we have to figure out how to divide it up. So here are some questions to ask:
Are they asking me to share a burden or a load?You have two families–your nuclear family and your family of origin. When it comes to responsibility, your nuclear family comes first. Your first responsibility is to make sure that your nuclear family has all of its necessities met, and then you make sure that your family of origin has its necessities met.
After that comes all the optionals (extracurricular activities, etc.)
So let’s say your parents are living a fair distance away in a home they are no longer capable of maintaining. Is it reasonable to expect that you will help them to maintain it?
Quite frankly, I’d say no. Sure, you can visit every month or so and help with a few things, but you can’t take on the whole responsibility.
Your parents have plenty of options: They can sell the house and move into an apartment. They can move closer to you. They can even (potentially!) move in with you. They can hire other people to fix up the house for them.
It is your responsibility (within the limits of your relationship) to make sure that your parents have a decent, comfortable place to live. It is not your responsibility to maintain a house for themselves that they are no longer capable of maintaining themselves, if there are other options available, and especially if that house is far away from where you live.
What they are doing is asking you to bear their loads, not their burdens. And the more people’s loads you bear (the more you do things for others that they could do for themselves), the less energy and time and money you have to bear people’s genuine burdens. That’s why Paul also said in 2 Thessalonians 3:10:
For even when we were with you, we gave you this rule: “The one who is unwilling to work shall not eat.” 2 Thessalonians 3:10If we’re all busy doing things for people they can do for themselves, then we’re spinning our wheels and we’re not meeting genuine needs.
Are my parents doing all they can for themselves?It could very well be that your parents are no longer capable of looking after their house. When that day comes, it may be time for a frank discussion about moving into an apartment or a seniors’ residence where some meal preparation is also done.
But it’s not just practical issues parents need help with. Another commenter wrote:
Your 3rd point – have a life of your own – is so smart. My parents have no friends and no hobbies or ministries. They depend on me and my siblings for friendship and entertainment.
Let’s put this one to the test, too. In this case, parents love their kids and just want to spend all of their time with their kids and get all their emotional needs met by their kids. But this puts a lot of pressure on the kids, and often saps energy from the kids. And it’s so guilt inducing! If you know that your mom is horribly lonely if you don’t talk to her, then your relationship becomes one of obligation and guilt rather than something that is freely given and enjoyed.
So ask yourself: Is your mom putting her own “load” on you? She’d prefer not to meet people and not to get out of the house because it’s easier. But then you become responsible for her load. And if you accept that responsibility, you enable her to hibernate in her house. That means that she won’t be giving anything back to her community or her church. She won’t be volunteering. She won’t be encouraging younger women or befriending those of her own generation.
My mom goes to several knitting groups in little towns close to where we live, where for the last ten years she has shared the story of the Kenyan children’s home where we frequently visit (and we’re leading another medical team there this August!). She’s devised a super-easy garter stitch sweater pattern, and over the last decade we’ve taken over 10000 handknit sweaters to the home.
Many of these sweaters are knitted by senior women, who often don’t get out of the house much. But they love the thought that they can still help in a tangible way. One woman in her 80s in England even mails my mom sweaters, and writes her a note about how important it’s become to her that she can still make a difference in the world.
There is so much that seniors can do if they look around for it! You can help point your mom (or mom-in-law) in that direction, but let me be clear: If she chooses not to follow it up, that is not on you. That is on her. You can show her, but you cannot make her make different choices.
(There’s another genuine load parents need to carry–getting their legal affairs in order. We’ll deal with that in a subsequent post!)
What if your parents’ needs become genuine burdens?I’ve been talking about bearing parents’ loads. But sometimes parents have genuine burdens! They get Alzheimer’s and they need a lot of care. They have mobility issues. They need to move and they need help doing so. These things do require our care. I’m going to talk about that later this week, especially about how we can negotiate things with our siblings when parents need help.
How can we talk about this in a healthy way?So let’s say that your parents really are making unreasonable demands on you–either they want you to bear their “loads”, or they’re asking you to carry their burdens without lifting a finger to help by agreeing to move, for instance. How can you talk about this?
Reaffirm the relationship
Stress to your parents that you love them, and that you want to have a relationship where you enjoy them and where it’s focused on just being together, rather than always rushing around and stressing and doing errands. You’d like to minimize the burden so that you can still enjoy each other.
Reaffirm that you are there for them
Tell them that you love them and that you do want to care for them and make sure they are never alone.
Be clear that you can only do so much
However, with that being said, you do have a limited amount of time, money, and energy, and you also have other commitments (such as their grandchildren). You can say something like:
I remember how important it was to me, Mom, that you were there for me when I was a teenager and that you got to know so many of my friends. I want to do that with my children, too. But it’s becoming so difficult since we have to spend every weekend visiting you and helping you, and I’m afraid I’m missing out on the relationship that I know you want me to have with my children. So let’s talk about how we can figure out time so that I still am able to be a great mom myself.
Give them choices
Just as you have the ability to say yes or no to things, giving them some choices allows everyone clarity. For instance, you can say:
Mom and Dad, I know you love this house, and I do want you to enjoy where you live. So if you decide to continue living here, I totally understand that. But we are no longer able to help you fix it up. There is too much to be done on our own home, and we still have kids living at home. However, if and when you’re ready to sell the house and move into an apartment, we’d love to have you move closer to us so that we can all enjoy each other more and spend more time together!
Now the ball is in their court. They can decide to stay in the house without your help, or they can decide to move, with your help, and live closer.
But–and here’s the kicker–if they decide NOT to move, then you need to stick to your boundaries and say,
“I know your house needs help, Dad, but unfortunately I’m not in the position to give it. I will gladly help you move into a place that is more manageable, though.”
And keep repeating that.
But what if your parents make you feel guilty for not helping them more?I know it’s hard, but no one can make you feel guilty. That’s a choice you make.
You do what you feel called to do by God. You carry your own load. You carry your immediate family’s burdens. Carry your parents’ burdens. But do not carry their loads. They should be doing what they are able to do, and if they do not–then they must also bear the consequences of those actions, even if it means that they lose your help.
So that’s how I’d see it! What do you think? Am I being too harsh? Have you had to negotiate these sorts of things? How did your parents take it? Let’s talk in the comments!
The Aging Parents SeriesParents: You Owe Your Adult Children a LifeSetting Boundaries with Aging Parents (coming soon)Splitting Responsibilities for Aging Parents with Your Siblings (coming soon)Making Sure Aging Parents Have Their Affairs in Order (and you do, too!) (coming soon)When Parents Allow Adult Children to Be Moochers (coming soon)Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
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July 18, 2022
Parents: You Owe Your Adult Children a Life
I’ve been thinking about something for a while now that I’d like to just say. It’s going to be a bit of a rant, and I may not sound very sympathetic. But I think this is important.
I first wrote this post almost five years ago now, and as we’re doing our blog transition to our new domain (baremarriage.com) soon, and we’re only taking the posts from 2018 with us, I wanted to make sure this series came.
So I decided to re-run it this week.
I know this isn’t what I usually talk about, but this made a real splash when it was out five years ago, and so many people told me afterwards that this series was what prompted their parents to downsize, move, or make needed changes.
I hope it gives you all something to think about!
(And the reference to my father passing away was from back in 2017!)
My in-laws looked after their 93-year-old neighbour for 18 years. She passed away a few weeks ago. She had no other family, and they stepped in, and did so much for her. I just flew out to be with my dad as he died. And I have so many friends who are caring for aging parents. Pretty much all of us, likely, will at some point have to look after our parents.
And that’s a good thing. We should care for them. But here’s the problem:
Many of these parents don’t do things when they’re younger and they’re still able to to make life easier on their kids who will eventually have to care for them.So I’d just like to put in a plea, on behalf of adult children of senior parents everywhere, that we make it the new normal that senior parents will adjust to their children’s lives. Please. It just isn’t fair otherwise. So here are a couple of thoughts I’ve been having.
1. If you need adult children to care for you, then it’s incumbent on you to move to where your adult children are.This may be controversial, but hear me out. I understand that a lot of people in their late 60s and early 70s love where they’re living, and have a ton of friends and a church community and a house that they cherish. But one day they’re going to need kids to care for them. And that is just too hard to do if you live on the other side of the country.
Sure, you may think that you’re totally self-sufficient now. And you may say to yourself, “that’s fine, I just won’t rely on my kids!”
But let’s get real. If you have a stroke and you’re in the hospital, you know that your child is going to have to fly out to be with you. And do people understand how hard that is to do if they have kids who also need them? Do we understand how expensive that is?
And then what if decisions about nursing homes and care facilities need to be made? What if your house needs to be packed up in a hurry? Who is going to do that? Your church family? Your friends? No, it’s going to have to be family. And that’s just a lot to ask of someone who is also raising small kids, or teens, or who has a job where it’s super hard to take a month off at a time.
Or let’s say you fall and break a wrist or a hip and you can’t care for yourself for a few weeks. Who is going to have to come and arrange things?
Even if seniors think they’re self-sufficient, eventually you need help. So I believe that you owe it to your kids to move near them, so that when you do need help, it’s easier on them.
And you should move when you’re still young enough to make the adjustment and make new friends. It’s really only fair. It’s an awful lot to expect that kids will be able to drop everything and fly to you constantly. Or that they’ll make some 10-hour drive every other weekend.
I know a family where every weekend for five years was taken up with them having to take turns driving 6 hours to see the parents who desperately needed help but who wouldn’t move out of their house. That is just not fair to your adult children.
2. You owe it to your adult children to downsize and sort out your stuffOne day you will likely have to leave your home. And even if you don’t, and you die in your home, one day someone is going to have to sort through your house. Do you really want to leave that to your adult children?
When my mom moved into our house a year ago, she spent the year beforehand slowly purging stuff. It was hard! She didn’t realize how much she had. She was going from a house down to two rooms (plus a lot of storage space). She went from a walk in closet to a regular closet. Katie and I spent a day laying all of her clothes out on the bed, category by category (summer tops, winter tops, pants, etc.) and making her choose only a certain number of pieces. We were brutal. But Mom was also participating and laughing because she was still young enough to do so. And now she donates clothes all on her own, because she realizes how little she actually needs!
But she did that purging when she was still well.
My mom as she was leaving her house for the last time before moving in with us.
It’s just kind to get your affairs in order. And it’s a lot easier to live with less stuff!
If you suddenly have to move into a nursing home or care facility, selling the house will be such a huge hassle, and will likely have to be done in a hurry, at the same time as kids are taking time off of work to help get you settled. Make it easier on them now, while you still can.
3. Please, for the sake of your kids, have a lifeYesterday my mom spent the morning on the phone with a missions agency, working out the details for our missions trip to a children’s home this August. She’s leading the trip with my husband. Then she took a load of stuff to the yard, brought a carload of donations over to a church for their rummage sale, went to her knitting group to knit with some friends, and collected some more yarn for donations, and then visited a friend from Kenya who just had a baby and has no family here, and bounced her baby for two hours. Mom’s the “adopted” grandmother to this young baby who was actually named after her; somehow my mother collects adopted grandchildren. She’s up to five so far (plus two biological ones).
My in-laws are similarly busy. Dad works very part-time helping out a friend with a business, plus they have a ton of friends. Mom likes to volunteer in the soup kitchen and likes to work out at the Y with the seniors’ groups. She also likes to walk at the rec centre with friends.
My in-laws hamming it up at the photo booth at Rebecca’s wedding
The point is that all of our three surviving parents do not rely on us for the fun or activity in their lives. Sure, they enjoy when we spend time with them, but they all have lives of their own. When you are lonely, or have few friends, or just stay in your home all the time, it puts a great strain on children. They feel as if they are your only support, and that’s very, very hard.
Most people caring for aging parents are in their 40s and 50s themselves. Many have teenagers. Many have very busy jobs. Many have volunteer activities that they love and that they feel called to. Most of us love our parents and want to help, but caring for parents can become an all-consuming thing. There is a season when parents’ needs will take all of our energy, and that’s okay. But that season should not last years, because adult children have lives they need to live, too.
Again, maybe I’m sounding mean, but I’ve just seen so many friends lose the joy in their lives because everything becomes about helping their parents–and their parents seem unwilling to make the burden lighter. When health issues get bad, often we get to a point where there’s nothing we can do to make the burden lighter. That’s why this all has to happen beforehand, before you get sick, before you need care, before you end up in the hospital. After all, sometimes illness impairs judgment, and even if you would never want to be an undue burden, once your judgment goes, you can’t make these changes. So make them while you are still well!
I want to be there for my mom and my in-laws when they need me. They are all wonderful people who have breathed so much into our lives. But I’ll tell you–I’m also ever so grateful that they all live in the same small town that we do, and that none of them is a hoarder (though my mother-in-law thinks she is because she has boxes in her closet. But she’s a neat freak and doesn’t understand that she’s actually pretty amazing). I’m ever so grateful that they all have social circles and lives of their own, so that they don’t rely on us. And I’m grateful that they would never want us to drop everything for them (even though we would).
That’s the way it should be. And I’ve put this in writing now, so when I’m older, my kids can hold me to it, too.
What do you think? Do seniors owe it to their adult children to make caring for them easier? Do you have a story to share? Let’s talk in the comments!
The Aging Parents SeriesParents: You Owe Your Adult Children a LifeSetting Boundaries with Aging Parents (coming soon)Splitting Responsibilities for Aging Parents with Your Siblings (coming soon)When Parents Allow Adult Children to Be Moochers (coming soon)
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila is determined to help Christians find BIBLICAL, HEALTHY, EVIDENCE-BASED help for their marriage. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts What Does “Husband is Head of the Wife” Mean? And Are We Reading Hierarchy into It?Jul 12, 2022 | 52 Comments
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July 15, 2022
How Camping Made Me Realize My Bras Hurt
First, though, I’m not going to have a normal post up today. I’m in vacation mode and couldn’t think of anything about marriage to write about.
Rebecca, however, has already written the post for our weekly email that goes out at 3 EST today, and it is DYNAMITE. If you aren’t on our email list yet, you need to sign up now! She writes the Friday emails, and they get so much interaction and feedback, so join today.
Okay, back to the RV life.Keith and I travel around in the RV a lot and use it for speaking, and so we’re constantly packing and unpacking. And we decided we didn’t want to do that anymore, so we took all the clothes that we don’t really wear and put them in the RV, so that we always have a week’s worth of clothes for any weather in there. Whenever I buy new clothes, I make myself discard the same number of items, and they go in the RV (and then whatever was in the RV beforehand goes to thrift stores).
Anyway, as I’ve been talking about on the podcast this year, I’ve recently switched to Knix bras. They’re all I wear. They fit better and look better than underwire, and they are so comfortable! Just unbelievably comfortable.
Knix is famous for their leakproof underwear (great for teens or any woman pre-menopause, really), and some of my staff swear by them (I won’t mention their names). But for me it’s just the bras.
So I took my old underwire bras and put them in the RV.
And all week I’ve been wearing them.
And I HATE IT. I don’t know how I did this everyday. They’re not comfortable at all (and I had high quality ones!). There’s simply no comparison. I’ve been so spoiled I can’t do this while on vacation, and i’m just going to have to bring Knix with me.
If you haven’t tried Knix yet, and you want to use my links, some of the money will go to support this blog. And if you’re in Canada, you’ll get $15 off your first purchase (and then I get $15 towards a camping bra!). In both the U.S. and Canada, you’ll also get the chance to get 10% off your first order.
Support this Podcast with Knix Bras!
I love Knix bras. Like seriously love them. They fit amazingly well; they're so comfortable. They look better than my underwire bras, but there is no underwire! I bought three over Christmas and NEVER wear my underwire ones anymore.
I'm an affiliate for Knix, and when you buy their bras or underwear or clothing I get a percentage. I want to make enough to start paying to transcribe this podcast! And I'm only promoting stuff I absolutely love myself.
And Canadian buyers get $15 off right away!
Check them out in the U.S.! Check them out in Canada! Anyway, that’s all I really had to share today! We’re heading home soon but we had a lovely relaxing week.
Remember to sign up for our emails! And I’ll be back again next week like usual!
What do you think? What women’s clothing is super uncomfortable for you? Let’s talk in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila is determined to help Christians find BIBLICAL, HEALTHY, EVIDENCE-BASED help for their marriage. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts Unveiling a Ten Year Project: Plus Serving a God Who Knits Everything TogetherJul 11, 2022 | 48 Comments
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July 14, 2022
PODCAST: Girls Are Not Stumbling Blocks
I know that this is a very widespread debate, and I have talked about it before in two main posts:
My 40% Modesty RuleWhy Don’t Be a Stumbling Block is a Really Bad Modesty MessageI have also done a podcast about this very issue too, and since I am out today, I would like to rerun that episode for anyone who missed the message first time around.
In our recent survey of 20,000 women, we found that when girls are made to feel responsible for boys’ sin, very bad things happen in those girls future marriages and sex lives.
And recently on Facebook, I shared a few thoughts that blew up quite big. The support was huge, but at the same time, the arguments that 13-year-old girls can cause adult men to sin are still very widespread. And so in this podcast, Rebecca and I would like to put that to rest.
We got kind of heated, too!
Browse all the Different Podcasts
See the Last “Start Your Engines” (Men’s) Podcast
Timeline of the Podcast0:45 Let’s talk about lust in a non illegal way, please.
5:30 Noticing isn’t bad, facts aren’t bad.
8:45 Lusting for adolescents is not normal
11:40 Mixed messages about lust & modesty
17:20 We’ve confused men with their sexuality!
29:05 The Bell-curve Modesty Rule
34:20 But what about the dangers with clothing choices?
42:04 Research on gender visual stimulation
47:43 RQ: Help with my son growing into sexuality?
Why? Because if you say, “Men are 100% responsible for not lusting after 13-year-old girls, but 13-year-old girls are also 100% responsible to be modest and dress appropriately,” then you don’t really mean the first part. Yes, we need to teach girls to dress appropriately (and I have a way to do that at the bottom of my stumbling block post), but it’s never, ever about not causing someone to sin.
This discussion came up because of the response to these Facebook posts:
Post 1–on how we should think a man lusting after a 13-year-old girl is a major red flag
The comments are rather interesting–and some are rather depressing. Hence the need for this podcast!
I won’t go into all our arguments here, but you need to listen to this one!
Even listen to it with your teenage daughters and teenage sons, and start the discussion going!
Going shopping?Use my link to support this blog!
Things Mentioned in This Podcast:Our stumbling block post, that looks at the biblical passages often used to support the idea that women must dress modestly in order to not cause someone to sin (and why that’s a poor application of those passages)A closer look at the modesty passage from 1 Timothy 2Noticing is Not Lusting–a better way to understand what lust really is in menAre you inadvertently raising your sons to lust?Our podcast on recognizing grooming behaviourThe Whole Story puberty courseThe 4 Stages of Recovery from PornographyPre-Order The Great Sex Rescue!Are you a guy (or are you married to one?) We need men to take our men’s survey! Pretty please!Andrew J. Bauman’s resources on healthy male sexuality 
What do you think? Will we ever be able to talk about modesty and lust well? What messages were you given as a teen? Let’s talk in the comments!
Connor Lindenbach Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Connor Lindenbach is the technical face behind To Love, Honor and Vacuum, managing the website and keeping it running. He's also the husband of Rebecca, and together they take turns working and caring for their two adorable children. A psychology graduate, he plans to transfer into mediation to help couples find peaceful solutions to thorny problems. He loves fitness, rock climbing, but most of all giving his baby daughter funny shampoo hairstyles. FacebookTwitter Related Posts She’s Someone–Plus Priming for AbuseJul 8, 2022 | 32 Comments
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The post PODCAST: Girls Are Not Stumbling Blocks appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
July 13, 2022
10 Ways Hollywood Warps our Expectations about Sex
I talk a lot about how evangelical teaching has messed up our expectations around sex. But let’s face it–a lot of those expectations are in movies and shows, too!
Behind the scenes at the blog we’re getting ready to move over to a new domain in a few weeks, and we’re only taking posts from 2018 onwards. But I found one from earlier that I did want to take, so I thought I’d rerun it today! Let’s talk Hollywood and bad sex advice.
Sheila Wray Gregoire So here we go–10 ways Hollywood messes up our views of sex.1. She Looks Like a SupermodelDid you know that forensic scientists are always drop dead gorgeous? And they show up to work in heels and with a ton of mascara. I obviously chose the wrong profession.
Everybody in Hollywood looks perfect. You wouldn’t be in Hollywood if you didn’t look perfect! But look around at the people that you know in real life. We aren’t that beautiful a bunch. Most of us are just pretty normal.
(And incidentally–this is why I love British shows so much! In Britain, people tend to look a little more normal!).
What We Feel: It’s easy to think that you can’t be sexy if you have a tummy at all. Have you ever looked down at yourself post-baby and just thought, “I’m disgusting now”? Most of us have, because most of us have tummies. That’s because we’re WOMEN. Hollywood tells us that flawless is sexy, and so it’s easy to believe that if we have flaws, we therefore aren’t sexy. And when we don’t feel sexy, we often shut down. Don’t let Hollywood shut you down! Hollywood’s not worth it.
2. He Looks Like an AdonisAnd it’s not just women. Every man in Hollywood has a six pack. And they don’t age, either! I remember when we were homeschooling watching the 60s movie To Kill a Mockingbird with my girls. It was awesome. Gregory Peck, who played Atticus Fitch, was 46 years old when he acted in it. And he looked pretty normal. We watched it in 2011, when Brad Pitt was 48. But Brad Pitt easily looked 15 years younger.
What we Feel: Men aren’t supposed to be distinguished anymore; they’re supposed to be sexy. That can warp how we see attraction to our husbands, too!
3. The Women Always Have Libidos Through the RoofWomen want sex. All the time. They want it just as much as men do. From episodes of Friends to Sex and the City, women are always raring to go.
What We Feel: Watch this long enough, and many women start to worry that they’re frigid. If you’re not panting and on the prowl, are you therefore undersexed? Nope. For many women, desire and arousal doesn’t actually kick in until you’ve started to make love. While some women have really high sex drives, many women just don’t. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t enjoy making love anyway! If you throw yourself into it, and believe your body will follow, it likely will.
If, on the other hand, you believe Hollywood and you’re waiting until you’re completely turned on to have sex, you may be waiting a long time.
Are you TIRED of always being too tired for sex?
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Course totally revamped in summer 2022!
Tell me more! 4. The Men Always Have Libidos Through the RoofMen are sex obsessed. Every man is thinking about sex all the time. Whether it’s the nerds in The Big Bang Theory or the detectives in Law & Order, they’re all out to “get some”.
What We Feel: About 19% of evangelical women have the higher sex drive in their marriages. And if you’re that woman, it’s easy to figure, “I must be really, really undesirable.” Because every other guy is sex obsessed except for mine!
But what if it’s not true? What if not every guy IS sex obsessed? Then perhaps we wouldn’t feel so rejected. If your husband doesn’t want sex, you’re not alone! In our research for The Great Sex Rescue, we found that about 1/5 of women have the higher sex drive, and many couples have shared sex drives. I have a series on dealing with husbands with low libidos that may help you.
5. Porn is Fun! (Not!)When characters on sitcoms watch porn, it’s usually something to laugh about. Sometimes couples watch it together, in the hopes of getting aroused together. Or the guys watch porn on poker night. It’s just a natural part of life.
In evangelical resources, porn is often portrayed as something inevitable that men will do, so women have to have frequent sex with their husbands to stop the porn use. But at least porn is seen as something bad (even if the accompanying message is toxic). In Hollywood that’s often not the case, though there are some exceptions in more recent movies (like Don Juan).
What We Feel: Then, when your husband watches porn and tells you “everybody does it”, you wonder, “am I a prude for thinking this is wrong?” And porn wrecks marriages. Porn isn’t harmless. It causes us to fantasize, to dissociate, to not be able to get aroused by a person but only an image. It causes people to turn to porn instead of each other, and soon takes away desire for your spouse almost entirely. It develops a pornified style of relating of objectification of women, where women are seen as objects to use rather than people to love.
And porn is problematic if women watch it too!
It’s selfish. It’s evil. And it’s exploitative. A marriage will steadily go downhill if one or both partners watch porn.
If you want to start dealing with porn in your marriage, and protect your kids in the process, Covenant Eyes is a great resource at the beginning of your recovery journey. Use the code TLHV to get your first month free!
6. Marriage is BoringBack in the 1990s my husband and I used to watch Friends. I thought Chandler was just hilarious. But one night, after a particularly raunchy episode, we realized we were essentially watching a show about people jumping into bed with one another. And we stopped.
In Hollywood, the hottest sex scenes usually occur the FIRST time a couple falls into bed. It’s that conquest that makes it so arousing. And so most shows revolve around winning a new person to go to bed with. Marriage, where you past that “first” time decades ago, is awfully boring.
What We Feel: Sex needs to be new, and fresh, and exciting! And marriage is the opposite of all of that. We start to feel like we’re missing out on something, and that all we have is the boring leftovers. The reason we’re not satisfied, we think, must be because we’re with the same partner who doesn’t know how to turn us on. In reality, though, the best sex is between married people–and not even newlyweds! In my research for The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, I found that the best years for sex in marriage were between years 16-20. So sex isn’t boring–practice is actually far sexier than conquests!
Does your marriage need some spicing up–and some fun?
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Let's add some heat! 7. Sex is Best When You Play the FieldSex is better with practice, says our media. You can’t expect to know what to do unless you practice with a bunch of people!
While sex does take practice, what you really need to make sex great is the ability to communicate to a spouse about what you want, which requires vulnerability, which is based on trust. And you need a partner who is humble and willing to listen!
What We Feel: We forget that sex is also truly intimate, and it’s the intimacy that gives sex power. You don’t have to know how to please everyone in the world; you just have to study your spouse, and you can do that in marriage. And we feel as if we’ve lost out if we only have sex with one person. On the contrary, our study did find that many women have amazing sex lives with their husbands–and multiple sex partners don’t mean that you have better sex at all.
8. Sex Has No RepercussionsPeople drop into bed easily in movies and TV shows, and then the next day go on their merry way, treating the whole thing “like adults”. It doesn’t have to affect anything; it’s just a fun one-night stand. You don’t see broken hearts, or people who have trouble getting rid of sexual baggage from past relationships. Sex is treated as a simple recreational activity–almost like you use each other as sex toys for your own enjoyment, with no commitment.
What We Feel: Many of us DO struggle with sexual baggage. We do struggle with jealousy over our husband’s past lovers. We expect sex to be easy, and we’re not prepared for the mind games and the guilt and shame that can come afterwards if we have sex with multiple partners. It’s sad, because our media is really cheapening sex and taking the power out of it.
Most women require a LOT of foreplay to become aroused enough to enjoy making love. Many women require a lot of touching to even reach climax. In fact, we found that women who do reach orgasm are more likely to do so in ways other than through intercourse. the foreplay is the main thing!
But on the screen, people grope and kiss and within less than two minutes the clothes are off and the bodies are joined. No one ever gropes around to find just the right body parts to caress. No one ever has to ask, “is this the right place?” They automatically know, and everybody automatically feels amazing.
What We Feel: If simply ripping clothes off isn’t enough to arouse us, then we start to wonder if there’s something wrong. And we feel weird and uncomfortable asking our husbands for more foreplay, because it honestly looks like NO ONE ELSE NEEDS IT. We’re the freaks. And you start to think everyone else must be way more sexually responsive than you are, because two minutes of groping does nothing for you.
10. The Couple Always Reaches the Big “O” SimultaneouslyNo one ever struggles with making sex feel good. From the very first time (in movies like The Notebook), women experience absolute bliss. And the bliss is perfectly timed, too! There’s no “making sure she feels good” first. There’s no struggling with how to reach the Big “O” at all! It’s just absolutely easy and natural.
What We Feel: No wonder so many new brides feel like there’s something wrong with their bodies! Look, ladies: most women do not experience simultaneous orgasm. They don’t. That’s not to say it isn’t possible; it’s just that it’s not terribly common. And in my surveys for The Great Sex Rescue, only about 48% of women always or almost always experienced orgasm at all–and many don’t through intercourse. Most of the rest reached it some other way, and that’s perfectly fine.
It’s great to aim for the stars, and our Orgasm Course can help you do that (and we’ve got a module at the end to make orgasm through intercourse more attainable). But you are not a freak if things don’t come easily!
I can think of tons of other unrealistic portrayals–no one ever has morning breath, no one ever goes to the bathroom afterwards, no one ever is freezing so they have to wear flannel.
But these ones about marriage being boring, porn being arousing, men wanting it all the time, and women responding easily and rapidly really distort how sex works for most people. You were made so that in order for sex to feel good for both of you, you have to have a lot of communication. You have to know each other well. You have to be able to be vulnerable. And he has to take time to serve you! And it isn’t automatic, and that’s perfectly okay.
It is not you that’s messed up when it comes to sex; it’s Hollywood!So don’t take it as the baseline for what your sex life should be. And don’t worry what other people are experiencing, either! What matters is what you and your husband manage to work at together. If you’re happy, that’s great. And if you’re not happy, the answer likely isn’t to try to emulate Hollywood. It’s just to get to know yourself better, know your husband better, and understand how and why God created sex.
And isn’t it a relief to know that it’s not just evangelical resources that get it wrong? (seriously–will anyone ever get it right?)
Have you ever seen a really accurate depiction of sex (not super graphic, but more of an accurate depiction of the dynamic that couples have)? Let me know in the comments!
(And for me–the most incredibly accurate depiction of vaginismus I’ve ever seen is in the Netflix documentary Unorthodox. It was heartbreaking and right on point).
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila is determined to help Christians find BIBLICAL, HEALTHY, EVIDENCE-BASED help for their marriage. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts PODCAST: Let’s Revisit the Logical Inconsistencies of Unconditional RespectJul 7, 2022 | 7 Comments
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July 12, 2022
What Does “Husband is Head of the Wife” Mean? And Are We Reading Hierarchy into It?
Hey, everybody!
Keith and I have been on vacation this week, just camping and hanging out and doing a whole lot of nothing. He had something on his mind yesterday and wrote up this post that he wanted to share!
So here’s what he’s thinking about when he has time to write and he’s not at work.
Sheila Wray Gregoire One of my favorite movie lines of all time is from the Princess Bride where Inigo Montoya turns to Vizzini and says, “You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.”For those of you who have been living under a rock since 1987 when this absolute gem of a movie was released, Inigo’s statement followed Vizzini’s constant use of the word “inconceivable” to describe almost every situation they were involved in.
I have come to regard the words “high view of Scripture” in the same light. Almost every time I hear those words spoken these days, the little voice in my head says, “You keep using that phrase. I do not think it means what you think it means.”
Case in point: a recent online discussion I was in about how married couples should make decisions together. There were the typical comments about how the man should always have the final say or that he should be the tie breaker. This was being challenged by myself and others as unhealthy and that couples really should make decisions together. Then someone simply commented:
“But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God.” (I Cor 11:3, ESV).
This “mic drop” was meant to silence anyone saying that the husband and wife should work together to glorify God in their relationship.In this person’s mind, this Scripture clearly shows that the man is the boss in the marriage. In fact, it shows it so clearly that it does not need further commentary. As far as people like that are concerned, if you disagree with them, you “just don’t believe the Bible” or at the very least, you “don’t have a high view of Scripture”.
But for anybody with a semblance of an open mind, it is clear that a diversity of opinion exists about what Paul meant in this part of Scripture as well other areas where he refers to the husband as the head of the wife. Marg Mowczko has written some excellent articles on the topic and Cynthia Long Westfall’s “Paul and Gender” (Amazon has it 33% off!) gives an incredibly thorough treatment of this as well as several other key passages related to women and their role in marriage, the Church and society. I would recommend you read these resources if you are trying to understand what Paul actually meant here.
Unfortunately, sending people like this commenter to these resources is a lost cause, because they do not believe people who see these Scriptures differently than them are arguing in good faith.In my experience, they inevitably believe that Westfall, Mowczko and others are simply twisting the Bible to say what they want it to say. They will not listen because they believe we are perverting the “clear reading” of Scripture for our “feminist agenda”. I have even heard people suggest that when someone honestly asks, “Did Paul really mean x, y or z?”” that they are in fact echoing the serpent in the garden saying, “Did God really say?….”
I not only acknowledge that I could have a bias, I have publicly stated that I come to the Bible with the idea that women are equal to men in dignity, value and significance and that God loves His daughters as much as He loves His sons. I accept and embrace that this inevitably will influence how I read Scripture. In fact, if I see something in the Bible that seems to contradict this, I will wonder if I am interpreting the Bible incorrectly. I have no problem with this as I believe these ideas are self-evident and do not need Biblical proof texting.
You may also enjoy:The slippery slope of male hierarchy–plus the podcast that echoed this!Our podcast featuring Bruce Fleming talking about Ephesians 5Our submission series (what submission really means–and doesn’t mean!)
To give another example of the same phenomenon, when I read in Psalm 104:5 “He set the earth on its foundations, so that it should never be moved.” (ESV) it does not convince me that science is in fact incorrect and the earth is not moving around the sun at 107,000 km/hr. The fact that this verse suggests that the earth is not moving is irrelevant as I know a priori that it is. My prior knowledge influences me to have a more accurate understanding of what the Scripture means while a literal one would leave me confused or – worse – believing nonsense.
Now certainly my ideas about equality do not have the same weight as the scientific proof behind our understanding of the solar system, but I am willing to stand on them nonetheless without apology or embarrassment.
What I don’t see on the other side, however, is any similar acknowledgement that they may have a bias.They honestly believe they are seeing the “plain reading of Scripture” and that plain reading simply says men rule and women follow, like it or not. Full stop. They refuse to accept that maybe they have a predisposition to interpret verses through a more male-dominated lens. They believe they are immune to bias, a position which any intellectually honest person realizes can only be incredibly naïve or incredibly arrogant.
But whether or not the other side acknowledges their bias does not excuse me from checking my own.
So as a mental exercise, let’s look at 1 Cor 11:3 and give them the benefit of the doubt. Let’s put aside ideas of justice, equality, fairness, etc. and assume they are correct in their assumption that head really does mean authority. (I will even use the incredibly biased translation of the ESV for all my Scripture quotes throughout this article.)
If head means authority, then what Paul is saying in summary is:
“Christ is in authority over every man, the man is in authority over his wife and God is in authority over Christ”.
But if the point of the passage is authority relationships, everything is mixed up and it makes no sense. It should read:
“I want you to know that the head of the wife is the man, the head of the man is Christ and the head of Christ is God”.
The fact that it doesn’t follow this order should suggest that maybe it is talking about something else.
But beyond that, what does the whole of Scripture say about these three relationships?I’m not a theologian, but it seems to me that in Scripture the relationship between the Father and the Son is not marked by hierarchy, but by mutuality. The idea that the Father is in charge, with a Son who is totally subordinate “junior partner” in the Trinity has a name. It’s called “The Eternal Subordination of the Son” and despite its promotion by certain elements in the church, it is a heresy.
And what does the whole of Scripture say about authority itself? Time and again Scripture teaches us that authority is something that is meant to be laid down for others not appropriated for ourselves. When Jesus disciples bickered about who was to be the greatest, Jesus didn’t give them a pecking order so they would all know where they stand. He told them they were missing the point entirely. So why is it so important for people to make sure women know their place? Is it really a desire to be true to Scripture or is something else going on? We humans want to know who is in charge. That is our bias. Scripture consistently encourages us to see past that.
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“Be A Biblical Woman” Unisex Jersey Short Sleeve Tee $22.00 – $25.00 A high view of Scripture should take all of Scripture into account rather than using isolated verses to proof text our biased viewpoint.Any verses that we think are about authority (just like every other verse) should be seen through the lens of the entirety of Scripture. And every time Paul talks about the husband being the head, it seems to me the point is not hierarchy but unity. The point is that the head and the body are connected to each other and dependent on each other. This is my plain reading of the text and I cannot see how anyone can see it otherwise.
Paul consistently uses the marriage relationship as a figure of what Jesus was trying to say in his high priestly prayer:
“that they may all be one, just as you, Father, are in me, and I in you, that they also may be in us.”
(John 17:21 ESV).
To think Paul’s point is to establish a pecking order is an incredibly low view of Scripture, which is obvious to anyone who can lay down their biased assumption that “head” means authority for even one second. And to teach that the point of these verses is that women need to know their place and that it is under men? That does not reveal a “ high view of Scripture”; it shows you are missing the point of the Scripture entirely.
Inigo’s comedic puzzling through what “inconceivable” might actually mean is even funnier when you consider the irony that Vezzini styled himself a genius.“Ever heard of Plato? Aristotle? Socrates?” he asked. “Morons!” he declared. Yet all the ways that Wesley was foiling Vezzini’s clever plan were “inconceivable” only in the sense that Vezzini hadn’t thought of them. The most hilarious part of the joke is that it lays bare that Vezzini wasn’t as smart as he thought he was.
Maybe with a little humility we can avoid repeating his mistake.
What do you think? Have we read our biases into Scripture? How can we get others to recognize their biases against women? Let’s talk in the comments!
Keith Gregoire Blog and Podcast Contributor, Co-Author with Sheila of two upcoming marriage books
Keith is the rock that supports Sheila, who runs this blog! Sheila and Keith married when Keith was attending Queen's University medical school in Kingston, Ontario. He later completed his residency in pediatrics at the Hospital for Sick Children, and has since directed the pediatric undergraduate program at Queen's University, and been Chief of Pediatrics at a community hospital in Belleville, Ontario. He and Sheila speak at marriage conferences around the world, and together they've also done medical missions in Kenya. Next up: They're authoring The Guy's Guide to Great Sex together! Plus, of course, he's an avid birdwatcher. Related Posts 11 Dumb Things People Believe about MarriageJul 6, 2022 | 32 Comments
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July 11, 2022
Unveiling a Ten Year Project: Plus Serving a God Who Knits Everything Together
It was what knitters call a “sock yarn blanket”, meaning that it’s made from all the ends of balls you have after you’ve finished a pair of socks. For twenty years I’ve been knitting socks, and the problem with knitting socks is that a ball of sock yarn is too much for my small feet, so there’s always some leftover.
I’d knit another pair for a baby, and then I’d still have some leftover.
And after a few years you end up with a LOT of ends.
And so I decided I’d turn them into a blanket. I’d start it off, knowing that I didn’t have enough ends to finish it, but I’d knit what I could, set it aside, and then have confidence more would come.
Last week I finished it, and it’s now my summer bed cover.
The irony is that I started it to USE UP sock ends, but I ended it with more than I started.
People heard I was making a sock yarn blanket and kept donating little ends (It’s ridiculous to see how excited I’d get over a pea-sized ball of yarn!). But there you go.
Knitting is my meditation, my thinking time, my relaxing time.And as I was making it, and especially as it’s now finished and I can look at it in its entirety, I’ve had a few thoughts that I’d like to share with you.
One of the things I love best to knit are these projects that use scraps. It’s easy to make a sweater made out of one yarn look beautiful. But what is really beautiful to me is how you can take little bits that would otherwise be castoffs, that no one really wants, that everyone thinks is just done, destined to sit at the back of a drawer or in a bag at a thrift store, and make it into a work of art.
And isn’t that how God treats us? So often we feel like the castoffs, like we aren’t much use, like we’re insignificant. And God says–Oh, I have just the spot for you! You matter. You pull everything together.
In this blanket, I had larger quantities of some yarns, and they reappeared throughout the blanket in a theme.But others I had only little tiny bits, and sometimes they only appeared once.
And then, pulling the whole thing together, was black, that lined each square and that lined the whole blanket. I think of it like Jesus, the foundation that holds everything together and makes everything cohesive. He’s what unites us. He’s what gives us shape and structure and purpose. He’s what shows off all of our uniqueness.
I think, in many ways, this blanket sums up what many of us are going through right now with church.
Some of us still feel a lot of passion and energy for God. We want to fix things, to bring the kingdom to earth, and we’ve got a fair amount to offer, even if we don’t feel completely whole. We have left parts of us behind as we’ve been disappointed in the church.
Disappointed with toxic teachings that have kept so many in bondage.
Disappointed that when this has been pointed out, leaders have doubled down rather than trying to care for the sheep.
Disappointed that those we loved and trusted in our own friend group and even our own family don’t see the harm that’s being done with teachings about marriage and sex–teachings like those we looked at in The Great Sex Rescue that turn sex into a female obligation and a male entitlement.
What if you're NOT the problem with your sex life?What if the messages that you've been taught have messed things up--and what if there's a way to escape these toxic teachings?
It's time for a Great Sex Rescue. Buy it on Amazon! Where Else Can I Buy It?Many of you are at this blog because of those disappointments, but The Great Sex Rescue has given you hope and new energy that something can be done. That people will listen. That it will not always be this way (I hope most of you are in that category!).
But some of you feel very spent and rather hopeless.You feel like there’s so little left. You gave your best to your family, to your ex (or current) husband, and it was thrown in your face.
You feel like no one sees you.
You feel as if there’s nothing for you anymore. You have nothing left to give, and you’re not even sure you want to belong.
And yet often it’s the smallest bits that make the blanket so interesting.I had a lot of torquoise, and a lot of orange and red (though I actually bought some orange and red to keep the contrast going!). I had a lot of deep purples.
But if I had made the blanket up only with the torquoises and purples and oranges and reds, first, I wouldn’t have had enough to complete it. Every little bit mattered.
But also, it would not have been as interesting.
What makes the blanket work is all the really tiny pieces that are unexpected, special, never to be repeated.
Those pieces may not have looked like they had much to offer, but put all together, and they actually make it a masterpiece.
I think so many of us are trying to find our way right now as the church has disappointed us, and we feel cast off.
We feel like no one sees us, maybe not even God. No one understands our pain. We’re not sure we have the energy left to even try anymore.
But I believe that God is gathering all of these castaways up and making something new.I think in the next twenty years we’re going to see such a powerful movement within the church as the Holy Spirit does His work. We’ll see churches that are oriented towards caring for community again rather than revolving around a popular pastor making millions of dollars. We’ll see less celebrity, where there’s really only one yarn being used, and more a glorious mix of everyone, all together.
We’ll see healing as we move away from caring for the reputations of those at the top, and focus on caring for the well-being of those at the bottom.
We’ll notice people again.
I think that’s happening. I hear in my DMs all the time about new ways that church is being done. Rebecca’s at an amazing new church in our hometown that’s focused on community. They endeavour to keep their budget light and their numbers down (if they get over a certain amount they’ll split into two congregations). The purpose is doing life together and caring for one another.
I know all churches have said that’s what they’re doing, but I’ve been to so many where no one knew me and I didn’t really know anyone else. It was focused around head knowledge, around beliefs, and not around actually caring for people.
Beliefs matter, but they are nothing without action. Without love.
So many of you have told us that The Great Sex Rescue was part of your journey of really finding Jesus–and also coming to a crisis of churchYou knew something was wrong, you felt the life being sapped out of you, but you couldn’t put your finger on what it was. And as you read The Great Sex Rescue, it all made sense. You had been made to feel like you weren’t worth SEEING.
And you desperately want God, your husband, your church, to actually see you. You want to matter.
I believe God is calling us back to Himself and from that will come new expressions of the body of Christ. But that means that we’re living in a time of great transition and upheaval and crisis.
That’s hard time to be living through. In many ways, these last three and a half years have been the most difficult for my faith.
But as I look at this blanket, I see a beautiful picture of what God is doing. Taking the castaways and showing us that the kingdom is so much more beautiful when we gather the castoffs and give them their own place.
I pray you find a place, both online, and in the real world. Because you matter. You do. And God is making something beautiful out of all of us who are searching.
Do you feel castaway? Like you’ve had a crisis of faith lately? Let’s talk in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila is determined to help Christians find BIBLICAL, HEALTHY, EVIDENCE-BASED help for their marriage. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts For the Guys: When Your Wife Hates SexJul 5, 2022 | 113 Comments
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July 8, 2022
She’s Someone–Plus Priming for Abuse
Just a quick catch-up for today’s post! I want to share a few things I’ve seen on social media and then throw this open for discussion. I’m taking a bit of a downtime this week and next week to relax, but I thought I’d share something quickly I was thinking about this week.
First, I shared this Fixed It For You on Instagram and Facebook, based on a meme I saw.
Women’s worth is not based on who they are related to.
Yet so often we tell men especially to remember the rape victim, the victim of sex trafficking, even the young woman in the bikini is someone else’s daughter or sister or wife—as if we can’t imagine having empathy for her for her own sake.
Until we can have empathy for a woman merely because of who she is, we will continue to assign women’s worth based on who they are connected to. That’s part of what needs to stop.
Of course we can picture how we would feel if she was our daughter, our sister, our mother. But let’s remember that no matter what, she’s a person.
Made in the image of God.
And that’s why she matters.
Sheila Wray GregoireSome great comments came out of that!
What if you're NOT the problem with your sex life?What if the messages that you've been taught have messed things up--and what if there's a way to escape these toxic teachings?
It's time for a Great Sex Rescue. Buy it on Amazon! Where Else Can I Buy It?But then I saw another meme from Mountain City Counseling in Denver.
Are we priming women for abuse?
I just think that this raises some interesting questions. I’ve written about some of these things, like:
Do Christian resources discourage women from speaking truth? Do Christian resources make men seem fragile? How submission can become a slippery slopeBut I’d like to throw this out for discussion today. What do you think about this meme? Does Mountain City Counseling have a point?
I’m working on the edits for our mother-daughter book She Deserves Better, and these are a lot of the questions that we’re raising (and some of the things we tried to measure in our survey to teen girls). And now I’d like to know what you think! So let’s talk in the comments.
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila is determined to help Christians find BIBLICAL, HEALTHY, EVIDENCE-BASED help for their marriage. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts The What’s Killing Women’s Libido PodcastJun 30, 2022 | 8 Comments
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July 7, 2022
PODCAST: Let’s Revisit the Logical Inconsistencies of Unconditional Respect
And yet we’re often told that men need unconditional respect, just like women need unconditional love.
It’s summertime, so I’m taking a month off of recording new podcasts, and instead I’m going to highlight some of my favourites from over a year ago, and rerun them. We’ll be back in August with an awesome lineup of all new podcasts!
As you all may remember, in December we passed 1,000,000 downloads of the Bare Marriage podcast, and we’re still going strong. I have a lot of new listeners who may not have heard some of the podcasts from a while ago, and so we picked out four to rerun.
And the first one that I wanted to highlight was our podcast looking deeply into unconditional respect–why it wasn’t logical; why it wasn’t biblical; and why the whole idea was actually based on poorly done research.
Browse all the Different Podcasts
See the Last “Start Your Engines” (Men’s) Podcast
You can watch the original YouTube video of the podcast here:
And get all the links and the original commentary from it right here!
We’ve also had a number of other podcasts where we’ve been the guest land recently.I just want to highlight a few of them!
The New Evangelicals–talking about Minding the GapKeith and I were on The New Evangelicals, talking about our findings on men, especially men and porn. It was an interesting conversation, because the audience is far less conservative than we’re used to, so we had to make a case for why porn was bad. And we did!
Listen in! Outgrowing the Good Christian GirlHere’s one I was on a while ago where we focused on the fruit of the bad teachings about sex, and why I left a lot of those teachings behind (even some that I used to teach myself!). Plus we talked a lot about vaginismus, and someone in our Patreon community was asking about podcasts where I talked about vaginismus, so I thought I’d highlight this one again!
Listen in! What if you're NOT the problem with your sex life?What if the messages that you've been taught have messed things up--and what if there's a way to escape these toxic teachings?
It's time for a Great Sex Rescue. Buy it on Amazon! Where Else Can I Buy It? Don’t miss our piece critiquing the idea that evangelicals automatically have better sex!Also, recently Tim Keller on Facebook shared Josh Howerton’s article on why evangelicals have better sex–and many sent it to me again. We actually did a thorough critique of his article and his poor representation of the research, and if you haven’t read it yet, you simply must!
Please spread this far and wide. Share it on social media. Talk to your friends about it! People are still sharing the original article, and let’s make sure that every time that original is shared, our rebuttal is shared too!
Take me to the article! That’s it for today.I’m taking it easy for the next two weeks, so I’ll be in and out of social media. But have some fun catching up on old podcasts. There may be some really, really old ones you’ve never heard! And we’ve got some great ones planned for the new season starting in August too!
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila is determined to help Christians find BIBLICAL, HEALTHY, EVIDENCE-BASED help for their marriage. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts What Christian Authors Can Learn from AcademiaJun 29, 2022 | 25 Comments
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July 5, 2022
11 Dumb Things People Believe about Marriage
I’m in the middle of moving our site to our new Bare Marriage domain (we should be up and running by the end of the month!), and we’re only taking posts from 2018 and forward with us, leaving over 1000 posts behind.
So I’ve been combing the archives seeing if there are any older ones I’d like to save, and for July I’ll be tweaking them and rerunning them! Here’s one I originally wrote in 2017. Back then I had 13 things rather than 11, but i decided to leave 2 out of the rewrite! 🙂
I asked on Facebook, “what are some dumb things people believe about marriage?”, and tons of you replied! (Thank you so much! It makes it much easier to write my posts when you all give me the ideas! 🙂 ). Think of this post, then, as a collaborative effort between all of you and me.
11 Dumb Things Smart People Believe about Marriage:1. Marriage is a lot of hard workWe hear tons of pessimistic statements about marriage out there that talk about it as if it’s always going to be one hard slog that you have to get used to. But that’s not necessarily true. One woman said:
I’ve been married 12 years, and people don’t believe me when I say it’s one of the easiest things I’ve ever done. I definitely don’t fit the “marriage is hard” crowd. Of course we fight and argue, but so did I with my sisters growing up, but do you ever hear “being a sibling is so hard. It takes a lot of work.” No, you don’t. Don’t let what others say keep you from wanting to get married. It’s mostly fun!
What I found is that marriage WAS hard work at the beginning, because you had to get used to new habits. But once those habits become natural, it can stop being hard work. That doesn’t mean that for everyone marriage feels fun and easy; some people are married to those with difficult personalities. But on the whole, if we each put in effort to learn new habits, marriage can be amazing!
2. Marriage shouldn’t be any workWhile lots of people believe that marriage will always be work, some believe it shouldn’t feel like work, or else it’s not real love. One woman wrote:
People believe that the honey moon never ends. My niece thinks is should always be gifts flowers no arguments and telling her how great she is, she refuses to believe that is a fantastic lie.
The key to marriage eventually feeling easy is learning how to think of the other person until it becomes natural. Here’s how one woman summed it up:
I’ve been married 21 years. It’s not hard…life is so much better and so much easier being married than it was being single (and I thought single life was good). With that said …no taking for granted. Say thank you, please, I love you. Ask yourself what can you do to make your spouse’s life better today…and do it.
Exactly! And that shouldn’t feel like work. If simply doing kind things for your spouse feels like work, the issue is not with marriage. The issue is with selfishness.
(Now, if you have a big problem you’re working through, that’s different. But on the whole, thinking of someone else shouldn’t be work! If you find, however, that you are consistently thinking of your spouse and they are never returning the favour, or you are putting all the work into the marriage and they are putting in very little, that’s something that should be addressed. Marriage should make you better people; if one spouse is sliding through, that’s a red flag.)
3. Marriage is all downhill from hereThis was a common response! One woman wrote:
Some seem to believe that every marriage is brutal work, full of selfishness, bickering and serious sex issues.
Yep. Not only is marriage a ton of work, but it’s also miserable.
People believe that the longer you’re married the more problems you have or the farther apart you’ll be. Friends have asked me if we have a lot of arguments yet. I said we didn’t, and their reply is, “Just wait! That time will come!”
Actually, in the surveys I did for The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, I found that in the sex department, at least, the best years in marriage are 16-24. They’re long after the honeymoon years; long after the kids are all sleeping through the night. It’s after you’ve spent a decade and a half with this man, and you’re able to be super vulnerable. And that’s when things often start to really work!
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Order Now 4. There’s only one correct way to divide up the chores and the workWe are all different personalities, with different giftings. We all have different callings on our lives. And so it’s hardly surprising that families will look different.
However, we have this idea that marriage should only be done one way. Maybe all wives should be stay at home moms–and stay at home moms should also do all of the housework. Maybe people believe that all wives should work. Or maybe we believe that the husband must always earn the majority of the income, or that housework must always be split 50/50.
When we try to chase after a certain model of marriage rather than trying to figure out what our particular partnership will look like, we inevitably feel resentment, because we’re trying to fit into a mold that perhaps wasn’t meant for us.
The key thing is not who does what, but that you both share the combined load. No one person should be working harder than another, and no one person should have way more leisure time and freedom than the other (with the exception, of course, of certain jobs which may keep someone away from home for months at a time, leaving them with little freedom!). Split the mental load and the labor--whatever that looks like for you.
5. Women must empower men to make all the decisionsThat’s another huge belief that kept popping up! People believe that submission in marriage means that his desires matter while hers don’t (Hint: the belief that her feelings don’t matter will doom a marriage).
I came into marriage having been taught to submit in every way to my husband. I was so paranoid of getting out of my place that I didn’t even want to give him my opinion on which restaurant to choose when we went out to eat. It didn’t take long for me to discover he didn’t want a cheerfully smiling puppet. He wanted a WOMAN and teammate!
And what happens if women do disregard their feelings and only care about men’s? It’s like this attitude:
Whatever your husbands asks for ( sexually or any other way ), he shall get it. So I’ve seen many marriages falling apart because of this “commandment”.
The key to loving someone is wanting the best for them. What is best is that people learn to compromise and to love. If someone is learning that their feelings are the only ones that matter, then they will not be loving. They can easily become cruel. A great marriage needs two people who learn to love and cherish each other. If we make our life about primarily doing whatever a spouse wants, without consideration of the impact of that on others or on the kingdom, that’s not loving. That’s idolatry.
6. Men need mostly respect while women need mostly loveSimilarly, this one was mentioned a number of times. The truth is that you cannot have respect without love, and you cannot have love without respect, and for most people, they are interchangeable.
There’s a more fundamental problem with this belief system, though, in that it can make women responsible for how men feel and act. If he is angry, it’s because she’s not respecting him. If he is weak, it’s because she’s not respecting him. And if he does anything wrong that requires confrontation–well, she can’t do that because that wouldn’t be respectful.
As I explained in my post about why the concept of unconditional respect in Love & Respect doesn’t work, there is such a thing as “tough love”. If someone is acting badly, you can enact boundaries and still be loving, because it is not loving to enable someone to continue in sin. However, there is no equivalent of “tough respect”. So while a husband can deal with a wife who is damaging the marriage, a woman has no way of dealing with a husband who is damaging the marriage. And that’s not safe.
How about this? Let’s both love and respect each other. That will give us a great marriage!
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“Love AND Respect” Accent Coffee Mug, 11oz $12.00 7. Marriage will change him into a good personMarriage does not make everything better; marriage actually exacerbates any problems that are already there, because now the person doesn’t have to impress you anymore. And as you live day in and day out together, the little things will start to add up.
Marriage will not suddenly make a guy quit porn, get a job, handle finances well, stop drinking so much, or stop playing video games so much. It will likely make him do all of those things more.
8. As long as you marry a Christian, the marriage will be fineThat being said, both of you being Christian is not a panacea for all problems. One woman said the biggest myth is this:
People believe that ‘compatibility’ is a myth, and as long as you’re both Christian everything will be hunky-dory. Yeah, if you’re 100% committed to making a long term relationship work with someone who it will be a constant struggle to live with it *is* possible, but why would you choose that from the start? Maybe I’m underselling myself but if our baseline wasn’t *easy* I don’t know how we would have gotten through the tough times.
I agree! And our idea of what a “Christian” is can be warped, too. If someone isn’t demonstrating the fruits of the Spirit, even if they can quote Scripture, they likely aren’t a good spouse. Yes, choose a believer–but make sure that believer is someone who is easy to be with because you both care for and are kind to one another.
Just because someone says he is a Christian doesn’t mean he is one!
9. Kids will make the marriage worse.Kids make LIFE harder. You get less sleep. You have less disposable income. You have less free time. Kids can have their own unique health challenges or other challenges that bring stress to a marriage. Absolutely.
But kids can also be something that bond you together like nothing else! And kids don’t have to rob you of romance. We have so many great memories of bike rides as a family after dinner. Sure, we may not have had as much one on one time, but we had great time as a family that made Keith and me feel closer anyway.
10. Don’t go to bed mad!The Bible does say we aren’t to let the sun go down on your anger. But if you’re up at 2:00 a.m. fighting, the sun has already gone down. Maybe it’s better to get some sleep so you have a clear head in the morning!
I used to believe this. It took me many years to realise that sometimes my husband needs to go into his cave (metaphorically speaking) for his anger/hurt/frustration to subside and only then can we work through whatever particular issue we are having at that time.
Decide that this issue isn’t bigger than your marriage, and certainly make a commitment to revisit it. But not everything has to be solved before you go to sleep!
11. Divorce is never, ever an optionYes, marriage is sacred. But God does not love the marriage more than the people in the marriage. And sometimes marriages do have to end.
Some things are unforgivable and a total deal breaker. Sometimes you must leave to save yourself.
More on when divorce may be necessary here.
But I want to end on a lighthearted note, with this one.That your wife won’t throw cold water on you in the shower. Love being married. Never a dull moment.
Love that! And I hope you all can find joy in marriage, too–and avoid the mistakes that can cause marriage to falter.
Did I miss any? What would be #12? Let’s talk in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila is determined to help Christians find BIBLICAL, HEALTHY, EVIDENCE-BASED help for their marriage. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts Adults Need Bedtimes Too!Jun 28, 2022 | 6 Comments
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