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ATTACHMENT SERIES: The 4 Attachment Styles and What They Mean

This month we’re going to talk about attachment styles and why they matter!

Attachment styles are the way that we relate to other people, and they’re based on what we learned when relating to our earliest caregivers. 

The field really took off in the 1950s studying children after the war. It used to be believed that all kids needed to be happy and healthy was food, clothing, and safety. So they evacuated many children from major cities all across Britain and sent them to the countryside to live with strangers, and it didn’t always go very well. Researchers wanted to know why.

When children feel as if their caregivers respond to their needs, care about them, and are consistently present, they develop secure attachment–a style shared by about 60% of North American adults, they estimate. 

But when caregivers aren’t consistent; when kids have needs but then those needs are not taken care of; when caregivers react with anger to a child’s emotions or legitimate cries for help; when caregivers ignore a child’s emotions; then that child can develop what is called insecure attachment, where they feel as if they aren’t safe and other people can’t be trusted. 

Researchers have identified three insecure attachment styles, leaving us with 4 attachment styles in total:

 

The 4 Styles of Attachment

Secure Attachment: Able to form loving relationships and attach to others. 

Anxious Attachment: Regularly nervous that a partner or loved one will leave, and unable to relax in relationships

Avoidant Attachment: Reluctant to form close relationships or share emotions, trying to maintain some distance

Disorganized Attachment (or fearful-avoidant): A combination of anxious and avoidant, where the person is scared of relationships, but craves them at all costs.

Let’s look at how the four attachment styles operate.Secure attachmentDynamics of how it is formed

Caregivers are very attuned to the child’s needs. When the child cries, the caregiver is there to figure out why and comfort the child. The child can count on the caregiver to look after them. The caregiver is attuned to the child’s emotions, and shows that they care.

A securely attached child will explore a playroom easily when the mother or caregiver is present. If the child is upset, the child will run for the mother and hug her tightly. If she leaves, the child will be distressed, but usually can be comforted. When the mom returns, the child runs to her and hugs her and is very happy.

When children are securely attached, their energy can be put into understanding and exploring the rest of the world and learning, because they don’t have to worry about their needs being met.

Securely attached children tend to be happy, and tend to be attuned to emotions in others, having good social skills and helping others in distress.

Dynamics of how it operates in relationships now

Securely attached people tend to form healthy relationships. They tend to have high self-esteem, can talk about their feelings and identify their feelings, and have hope for the future.

Anxious AttachmentDynamics of how it is formed

Caregivers of anxiously attached children are inconsistent. Sometimes they’ll ignore a child’s cries or become angry at them for crying, and other times they will overly compensate.

Toddlers who are insecurely attached will cling to their mom, and won’t play as much independently. When she leaves, they’ll play, and when she returns, they may not go over to her, or they may push or hit or kick if she picks them up. (While all children will go through separation anxiety, and where all children may cling for a time in a new situation, most securely attached children do figure this out after a time, while insecurely attached children cling for much longer).

These children have a harder time exploring the world because they pay attention to the mother’s cues above everything else. Their main focus is figuring out if mom (or another caregiver) will be kind to them today and if they will be safe.

Dynamics of how it operates in relationships now

Some with anxious attachment will be scared to start relationships, and some will be desperate to start relationships.

Both, however, can be very clingy in relationships once they start, always trying to reassure themselves that the relationship is safe. They may constantly seek validation from others, and friendships often fizzle out because they become too needy. To compensate, many anxiously attached individuals go out of their way for others, burning themselves out in the process.

When relationships end, anxiously attached people are often devastated. They can have a tendency to cling to young children who need them desperately as well and who won’t leave them.  They often have low self-esteem and are worried about how others perceive them.

Avoidant AttachmentDynamics of how it is formed

When caregivers are consistently angry with a child, or send the message that the child is a bother, the child can develop avoidant attachment. When caregivers interpret a child’s crying as trying to punish the parent, or as a sinful behavior that has to be stopped, then children learn that parents don’t care about them. When we believe parenting philosophies about how we have to “break our child’s will” (as the Pearls teach, and as Shepherding a Child’s Heart often teaches), then we interpret the child’s emotions and needs as bad. If this isn’t combined with a much greater degree of love and affection and care, children can develop avoidant attachment.

Toddlers with avoidant attachment don’t seem to prefer their mother over other adults. They don’t run to her when in distress. Studies have shown that the babies experience the same level of distress when the mother leaves as securely attached babies, but they learn not to express it. They “turn off” their normal emotions.

These children explore the world in a more self-reliant way. They tend to become more hostile and aggressive with others.

Dynamics of how it operates in relationships now

One of the main characteristics of avoidant attachment adults is how “closed off” they seem. They may be very good at getting tasks done, or may be able to command a room and give off orders, but they’re unable or unwilling to share feelings or talk about feelings. It’s very difficult to get close to them.

People with avoidant attachment have few relationships that are below surface level, if any. If they marry (and most do), they will often handle conflict by stonewalling or refusing to engage, or just walking away. They may yell a lot to stop uncomfortable conversations, or they may completely shut down. They may ironically yearn to be close to someone, but have absolutely no idea how to start doing that. When others ask them how they’re feeling, they may genuinely have no idea.

When in a relationship, they may again perform all the right “tasks”–earning an income; doing their share of the housework; etc. But they invest little in the emotional side, and are often consumed with individual projects, and don’t concern themselves too much with what others think of them.

Disorganized/Fearful-Avoidant AttachmentDynamics of how it is formed

In abusive families where the child is actively mistreated, a disorganized attachment can be formed, which is the most destructive. When parents use a lot of corporal punishment without any affection, or when cruelty becomes the main parenting style, the child is left with a terrible paradox: the person they crave love for the most is also the person they’re terribly afraid of.

What differentiates this style from avoidant styles is that, while avoidant styles are taught that their parents don’t care; disorganized attached kids are taught that their parents are actually scary and pose a threat.

This often occurs in homes with a lot of substance abuse, with untreated mental illness, with parents with unresolved trauma or their own, or with abusive parenting practices like the Pearls to the extreme.

Babies like this can either be flooded with emotions, or become almost flat, showing very little emotion at all. Ironically, in the latter case, these children could be described as “good” children, because they don’t bother the adult and they show no emotion. In some heavily fundamentalist Christian parenting books, this is praised as being perfect, but in reality, the child has been so abused they have lost themselves.

It’s not uncommon for disorganized attachment children to take on more of a parental role very early in life because the parent can’t be relied upon.

Dynamics of how it operates in relationships now

In many ways, those with disorganized attachment can look similar to those with avoidant attachment. They appear walled-off; they often avoid relationships; they can’t talk about their feelings. They don’t have close or deep friendships.

The main difference, though, is that disorganized attached individuals WANT those relationships. They just have no idea how to get there. So they may act in a very inconsistent way, at times pursuing a relationship, but then, once they have it, doing a 180 and breaking it off or becoming aloof in a marriage.

They’re not running away from intimacy; they’re just expecting intimacy to hurt. So when they’re close to achieving it, they’ll often sabotage it.

These individuals have a higher rate of developing mental illness or substance abuse themselves.

The good news: Attachment Styles Can Change!

What if you’re afraid that you’ve raised a child without secure attachment? Research says that changing your parenting techniques can help immensely. And we don’t need to be perfect parents to raise kids with secure attachment. You really only have to get it right about 50-60% of the time.

Once parents realize they may have been inconsistent or using discipline techniques that cause fear or shame, if they talk about it and switch, kids can grow and become secure.

Also, sometimes trauma can affect kids, even trauma that isn’t caused by caregivers. Sometimes when kids have more insecure attachment styles it isn’t because of what the parents did, but what others did. And sometimes the primary caregivers for the kids can do everything right, but it’s very difficult to overcome the loss of a birth parent or other caregivers early in life. 

What about changing as adults?

Even if you’ve grown up without secure attachment, even understanding attachment can help you change and adapt and grow now. Things don’t have to stay fixed. Sometimes just understanding WHY we act the way we do can help us react to people differently.

Seeing a licensed therapist to talk through anything that is holding you back or to get some trauma therapy can help.

But I’m hoping this month, as we go through attachment theory, we can all grow and understand ourselves better, and even parent better.

We’ll be looking at how to raise kids that are securely attached. We’ll look at how to help our kids identify emotions, and how to start talking with ourselves about our emotional inner world as well. We’ll look at how attachment styles affect our marriages, and how some marriage issues may not be marriage issues at all, but rather rooted in attachment.

I hope you’ll enjoy this series. I think it’s going to be a good one!

What do you think? Do attachment styles make sense to you? Let’s talk in the comments!

The Attachment SeriesThe 4 Attachment Styles and what that means in parenting and marriageDo We Have to Tell Kids They're Dirty Rotten Sinners?How to Start Identifying Your Own Emotions and Learn to Express them (coming soon)How to Help Kids Identify their Emotions and Express Them (coming soon)How our Attachment Styles Can Affect our Marriages (coming soon)PODCAST: Attached to God--how does our attachment style to God affect our relationship with Him?PODCAST: What is connected parenting (last segment of podcast) (coming soon)PODCAST: How can we raise securely attached kids? (Coming soon)PODCAST: Our Love Styles with Mila and Kay Yerkovich (coming soon)

 

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila is determined to help Christians find BIBLICAL, HEALTHY, EVIDENCE-BASED help for their marriage. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts PODCAST: Do You Know Your Attachment Style? with Krispin Mayfield

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Should We Teach Kids They’re Dirty Rotten Sinners?

Christian parenting advice seems to really like discipline and obedience.

Rebecca here on the blog today. As I was researching other parenting books and various Christian parenting blogs as I wrote my book, Why I Didn’t Rebel, this focus on repentance and obedience was everywhere–how to teach your kids to obey, how to discipline your kids, what to do with an unruly toddler, how to help your kid turn away from sin.

And although I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, it always rubbed me the wrong way. Is kids’ primary moral need to be taught that they are sinners? When kids do something parents don’t like, is it usually because children are disobedient?

Thinking more on it, talking to a few people about it, and reviewing the interviews I did for Why I Didn’t Rebel for the millionth time, here’s what I’ve concluded: we talk about misbehavior as a sin issue, when in reality, a lot of the time it’s an impulse control or naivete issue. 

Sheila just chiming in for a moment!

Rebecca originally wrote this post four years ago, but I wanted to re-run it today for two reasons.

First, it fits in perfectly with our series on attachment styles that we launched last week in our podcast! Tomorrow I’ll be looking at different attachment styles, and I thought this set the stage well.

Second, we’re in the process of moving the entire blog to a new domain–baremarriage.com. Well, it’s not the entire blog. We’re only taking with us the last few years’ worth of posts. So I wanted to update this one and make sure it made the move!

So here’s Rebecca:

Sheila Wray Gregoire

But before I go any further, let’s get some theology straight.

We all do have need for a savior, and we definitely need to teach kids right from wrong–no arguments there! So here’s what the Bible says about the sinful nature:

What does the Bible say about our nature?All have sinned and fallen short of the Glory of God (Rom 3:23). Everyone sins, and we all need God’s forgiveness and grace.We are at war with two natures: the sinful nature, and God’s nature. We all have a sinful nature, but we are also created in the image of God (Genesis 1:27).When we know God, we have His Spirit within us, and we adopt Christ’s nature and reject the sinful nature (Galatians 5:16-25).

Most parenting focuses on turning away from the sinful nature and squashing sinful tendencies in children by teaching them to repent. But what if this isn’t the best way to teach kids right from wrong? What if kids don’t need that same focus on repentance that we do as adults?

Let me give you a bit of my story growing up.

I grew up in an amazing Christian family. I have known God (not just known about God, I have truly known God) for as long as I can remember. When I was 3 years old, I used to make up songs about Jesus dying on the cross so we could go to heaven while riding the subway in downtown Toronto. And in Kindergarten when I lost my favorite toy on the playground, my response when my friend found it for me was, “Well, I wasn’t worried. I knew I would find my toy because I prayed to Jesus about it.”

When I was a kid, my relationship with God wasn’t rooted in my understanding of my natural inclination towards sin. Instead, I just thought Jesus was wonderful and was so happy that he wanted to be my friend, too! I liked talking to Jesus, and singing to Jesus, and hearing stories about Jesus, and I knew that Jesus was always there and that he loved me more than anything.

It wasn’t until I was 10 years old that I had my first true moment of understanding my need for a savior. I was sitting in my room and it suddenly hit me and I just started bawling–I got down on my knees, confessed, cried, and my dad actually came in and found me there and I just said, “Daddy, I really need Jesus, don’t I?”

But it wasn’t as though I didn’t know and love Jesus before I understood how much I needed him–I still had a real relationship with Him. I just wasn’t psychologically developed enough to grasp that deeper level yet.

When I look at how adults versus children are seen in the Bible, adults are told, “Be more like these kids!” But much of parenting advice seems to revolve around training kids to be little adults.

Jesus loved kids. He gathered them up and as the disciples tried to usher them away, Jesus threw away all the “proper” ideas of how children were to be around respected religious leaders like rabbis and instead said, “let the little children come to me!”

My concern is that somewhere along the line, we’ve forgotten the wonder of childhood.

When Jesus talks about us as his children, he compares us to sheep, not wolves. What’s the difference? Sheep are simply stupid. Wolves, on the other hand, are deliberately malicious. Jesus calls us dumb, stubborn sheep. But when it comes to the typical parenting advice out there, it’s like we’re treating kids like wolves, not sheep!

Yes, we all have a sinful nature. But we’re also created in the image of God, and have His Spirit in us, too! And for those of us born into great Christian families, the Spirit side is our norm. And I think we need to understand the difference between misbehavior and maliciousness. A 5-year-old coloring on the walls isn’t malicious as much as it is just dumb.

My little sister, Katie, used to write on everything. And I mean everything. But for her, it wasn’t a chosen sin the way it would be if I were to color on the walls now, as a 23-year-old. For her, it was just the impulse control issues that 5-year-olds have! Telling her she was a disobedient little girl who needed to confess to Jesus would have been entirely inappropriate–and my concern is that it may cause a lot of shame and a feeling of never being good enough.

As a general rule, kids develop in stages–even with our moral understanding.

According to Kohlberg, morality develops in three stages.

Stage one is called the pre-conventional level, where morality is all about what it gets you.

You don’t lie, because if you lie you get a time out. You clean your room, because if you keep your room clean you can go for ice cream on Fridays.

Stage two is called the conventional level, and it’s all about social norms and becoming a “good girl” or “good boy.”

Morality is about what authority says is right (parents, government, teachers, pastors). At this stage, children believe that you should follow the rules even if there aren’t rewards or punishments because rules are what dictate morality. (That’s why children get upset when you change the rules to a board game. That’s just not done!)

That desire to be moral is lived out by following rules. Billy doesn’t run in the house because Mommy says you can’t run in the house and he wants to be a good boy. And he knows he’s a better boy than his brother Tommy, because Tommy runs in the house when he knows that mom can’t see him, but Billy doesn’t run no matter what.

Second Morality Stage: Wanting to follow rules. Rebecca was always so glad she followed more rules than Katie!

Stage three is the post-conventional level, and it’s a more philosophical understanding of morality.

This is when you get into moral questions like, “if lying was wrong, was it a sin for Rahab to lie about the spies in her house?” Rules and laws can be broken if need be without it necessarily being immoral, and there is understanding that people can come to different conclusions about morality based on past experience and present situation (e.g., one person can decide to become a soldier and fight in a war for their country and another can see all forms of war as innately evil and choose not to fight, and you can see the validity of both positions).

Third Morality Stage: Thinking through moral issues

Understanding Christianity’s moral laws really falls under the post-conventional level. We’re not supposed to follow God just because of what it gets us (stage one), or to be governed by rules or earth authority anymore (stage two), but instead to follow the Spirit God has given us and make decisions based on our individual callings under the greater umbrella of God’s morality (stage three).

Here’s the kicker, though: most kids don’t enter even stage two until late adolescence. So much of Christian parenting advice, though, is about teaching kids that they are fundamentally a sinful being who needs to repent! That’s a stage 3 type mentality!

What if I told you that not all teenagers rebel?

And what if I told you that a lot of typical parenting advice makes rebellion more likely?

I interviewed 25 young adults, trying to figure out what made them rebel or not.

Here's what I found! I’m not saying we don’t teach kids how to behave–I’m saying we change our thinking around misbehavior.

It’s not evil for a 2-year-old to play with her potatoes. It’s just her learning what mashed potatoes feel like, and enjoying the smushiness! It doesn’t mean she’s following her sinful nature as much as just being a 2-year-old.

My parents definitely taught us to behave well–they didn’t tolerate my sister scribbling on everything! But the emphasis needs to be on helping kids make the right decisions instead of shaming them for doing something wrong.

Take colouring on the walls, for instance. There’s a big difference between teaching a 3-year-old to ask Jesus to help her stop coloring on the walls and forcing a 3-year-old to confess her sin of coloring on the walls to Jesus so she can be forgiven.

Let me give you a scenario following the typical Christian parenting advice I often find in books or on blogs:Have the child answer the question: are you being obedient or disobedient?Make them apologize for disobeying.Confess his/her sin to JesusDecide on a punishment

When we’re talking about really young kids, this can become a very shaming message.

Here’s what my parents did instead when Katie doodled:

Explain that the act was wrong and why (If you color on the walls, you are damaging mommy and daddy’s things.)If they are sorry, show them how to apologize to the injured party for the specific act (I’m sorry I colored on the walls, not I’m sorry I disobeyed you)Talk about how you can not do it next time (Let’s have an easel set up so you have a better place to color)Find a way for the child to fix the problem they caused (The child scrubs the crayon off the wall)

Instead of focusing on what we did wrong, it was about making things right. How can we avoid this in the future? How can you fix it now?

That’s a much more empowering message for kids, and much less dehumanizing than making them debase themselves for simply not having proper impulse control.

Jesus celebrates children’s innocence, their kindness, and their unwavering trust and faith in God. 

But a lot of Christian parenting advice seems to forget that kids generally want to do the right thing–they just don’t know how yet. Let’s teach them how, rather than telling them that they are dirty rotten sinners.

What do you think? How can we incorporate more child development in our discipline? What’s gone wrong? Let’s talk in the comments!

Rebecca Lindenbach

Blog Contributor, Author, and Podcaster

Rebecca Lindenbach is a psychology graduate, Sheila’s daughter, co-author of The Great Sex Rescue, and the author of Why I Didn’t Rebel. Working alongside her husband Connor, she develops websites focusing on building Jesus-centered marriages and families. Living the work-from-home dream, they take turns bouncing their toddler son and baby daughter, and appeasing their curmudgeonly blind rescue Yorkshire terrier, Winston. ENTJ, 9w8. Check out Why I Didn't Rebel, or follow her on Instagram! Twitter Related Posts Do we Think Jesus Saves Women so Women Can Save Men?

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How Do We Make Sure These Two Horrific News Articles Stop Happening?

I read two terrible news articles over the weekend that had me grieving and got me all riled up.News article #1: A woman reports her rape to her Christian college, and is then is banned from campus for having pre-marital sex.

NBC News explains what happened:

When Mara Louk told an administrator at Visible Music College, where she was a senior, that a male classmate had choked and raped her last November, she expected that school officials would help her file a police report and arrange a safety plan.

Instead, she said in a federal complaint filed with the U.S. Department of Education on Wednesday, administrators at Visible, a Christian college in Memphis, Tennessee, accused her of breaking school rules against premarital sex with a different student, an ex-boyfriend. She denied having sex with him but said the school threatened to expel her unless she signed a confession and finished the school year remotely.

NBC News, She told her Christian college she was raped. Then she was banned from campus.

The timeline looks like this:

November 2: A male classmate comes over to her apartment to play board games. He rapes her.November 3: She tells the school administration because he’s in her classes and she doesn’t want to get harrassedNovember 4: She files a police reportThe following week: The police say there isn’t enough evidence to proceed with a criminal chargeNovember 15: The school tells her and her parents that there is nothing they can do because the police failed to file. Meanwhile, the accused student had told the administration that she had had sex with an ex-boyfriend, and the ex-boyfriend confirmed it. She denied it, but the school accepted these accusations and told her she was banned from campus.

And people wonder why women don’t report.

Now let’s look at an even worse case.

Case #2: A young mother is strangled to death by her abusive, porn-using entitled husband.

Amber Guichelaar was killed by her husband Richard, who initially strangling her in her bed, while their 8-month-old lay in a crib nearby. Later, when police found notes that Amber had written about all the physical abuse, and the question she asked herself–“am I safe sleeping next to him?”–Richard changed his story.

But friends and family described this sham of a marriage:

Indeed, friends told police Richard Guichelaar did so little around the house that Amber Guichelaar basically had three children: the two girls and her husband. The imbalance of duties sometimes prompted fights, according to one of the close friends.

“(The friend) did not know of any physical violence between Richard and Amber. (She) stated that when she would hear about these fights it would be after the fact when Amber would mention it during conversation by saying things along the lines of Richard is doing better because he broke his Xbox,” Dykgraaf reported.

“(The friend) stated the most recent fight she could think of was during the initial COVID 19 outbreak when everything was locked down and everyone was quarantined in the house together. She stated she did not know what the fight was about, possibly Richard not helping with children, but Richard picked up the high-chair and broke it,” Dykgraaf wrote.

One thing Richard Guichelaar did do, despite his wife’s vehement protest, was watch pornography. The couple fought over the issue in text exchanges one week before the murder.

When Amber’s sister asked by text what she wanted for her birthday, she replied, “a new husband.”

Two days later, Amber Guichelaar was dead and police had a prime suspect in her husband.

Susan Samples

WoodTv.com, Am I safe sleeping next to him?’: Murder victim’s words expose husband

I want to review many of the aspects of their marriage that came out in the trial:

Richard kicked her, punched her, and physically abused herRichard refused to help with the 2-year-old and the 8-month-old, and became enraged if the baby woke him up at night, so that Amber had to get up immediately and make sure the baby didn’t cryRichard became enraged if the house got too hot or too cold, and took that out on AmberRichard routinely broke things in the house–a high chair; a TV; furniture. He smashed her cell phones, punched holes in the wall, and moreRichard refused to do any housework at all and became angry if she asked him to helpHe was a master storyteller and could get people to believe his version of thingsHe watched porn constantly

The trial also heard how he was violent as a child and teen and his family was afraid of him. He would threaten to burn down the house or hurt people.

What we see here is a man who feels completely entitled to life the way he wants it.

If Amber did anything that wasn’t the way he wanted it to be, he felt that gave him the right to hurt her, hurt her things, or rage at her.

His abuse, in his mind, was her fault, as many abusers say, because he felt entitled to life exactly on his terms. 

This is one of the things that porn repeatedly teaches people, too, and why it’s so destructive the longer you’ve been using it. Porn teaches the user that you deserve to get gratification any way you want it, and that others exist only to gratify you. Porn breeds and feeds narcissism. Though not all porn users will have this effect, many definitely will. And in marriages with this kind of violence, or in sex crimes, porn pretty much always plays a role today. So though it doesn’t hurt everyone, those who end up hurting others almost always have a link to porn.

Here’s what I want people to see: that entitlement did not show up only in physical abuse. It showed up in how he treated his children (they were entirely her responsibility, and their legitimate needs were an affront to him). It showed up in how he expected the household to run (he should not be expected to do any work for himself; other people exist to serve him).

Church, can we start recognizing red flags?

Please, can we start seeing that the way that the church often encourages us to do life–where the house and children are entirely her responsibility–can breed narcissism? Can we recognize that this entitlement is the root of abuse? 

No, not every man who never changes a diaper will hit his wife. But pretty much all men who are abusive like that are terrible parents and feel entitled to having his wife serve him. No, not every man who never does housework will choke his wife, but pretty much every man who chokes his wife will also refuse to do housework.

We need to recognize that entitled behaviour in any one area is a red flag and means that the man should be shunned because he is not safeIf he uses porn and refuses to stop or work at his recoveryIf he won’t care for the childrenIf he insists his wife serve him and refuses to do houseworkIf he spends money as he wants but she isn’t allowed to

These things are often evident even in a dating relationship. If he is entitled, he is not a good marriage partner. 

Amber was very involved in her church, and had gone on missions trips.

Amber loved Jesus. She met Richard when she started teaching at a Christian school where Richard’s dad was the principal. She met him in Christian circles.

And he still killed her.

And this is going to keep happening, and keep happening, and keep happening until something is done.

Women and our allies, it’s up to us.

I’m going to be blunt. We can’t stop abuse and rape by changing laws or changing policing or changing church policies. These things are all important, and we need to keep at those efforts, and I do believe in them.

But bad men will always exist. (I understand bad women exist too, but when we’re looking at homicide rates or rates of sexual violence, domestic violence is a leading cause of death among women. It isn’t comparable the other way around).

Do you know what will stop things? If women refuse to support institutions that harmed us. Imagine if all the girls (and their allies) walked out of classes at Visible Music School. Imagine if no girls (and allies) decided to enroll next year.

And when it comes to men, what if we raised a generation of girls who could recognize red flags? What if we raised a generation of girls where instead of pounding “submission, submission, submission” into their brains, we taught them “red flags, red flags, red flags”?

Mara recognized red flags.

When she was sexually assaulted, she reported it. She didn’t blame herself. She knew it was wrong. But the system failed her.

And so it isn’t enough to just see the red flags in the men we’re with. We have to see them in the systems, too. In the universities. In the churches. In our families.

We need to start saying, “I will only go to places that are safe. I will only be with people who are safe. I will not support or encourage any sort of entitled behaviour in men.”

I don’t know what that would look like, but I keep coming back to Beth Allison Barr’s question at the end of her book The Making of Biblical Womanhood:

What would happen if we all just stopped?

What if we refused to date these guys? What if we shunned them socially? What if we refused to go to churches where men like these were in leadership? What if we refused to go to churches where male entitlement was preached? What if we refused to send our girls to universities where they didn’t handle sexual assault complaints appropriately?

What if we all just stopped?

Because Amber deserved better. Her children deserved better.

Red flag, red flag, red flag. Let’s teach our girls to recognize them. Things have to change.

Are you in a marriage with one of those red flags?

Please know that you do not need to tolerate this. You can draw boundaries. If it is unsafe for you to draw boundaries, please call a domestic abuse hotline:

If you recognize yourself in these stories, please contact a Domestic Violence HotlineCanada: 800.799.SAFE (7233)United States: 1-800-621-HOPE (4673).United Kingdom: 08 08 16 89 111Australia: 1800 015 188New Zealand: 0800 456 450Kenya: 0-800-720-072Nigeria: 0800 033 3333South Africa: 0800 428 428

But please know: You do not have to tolerate porn use. If he refuses to get help, refuses to quit, or is secretive about it, tell others. Seek out support groups online. You don’t have to accept this or keep it quiet.

If he feels entitled to be looked after by you without putting in effort himself, please think about learning boundaries. Check out my series on Iron sharpening iron. Read the book Boundaries in Marriage. Do something. It won’t get better on its own. And I’m so sorry that you’re walking through this!

These stories have just gutted me this weekend. What’s your reaction? What can we do?

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila is determined to help Christians find BIBLICAL, HEALTHY, EVIDENCE-BASED help for their marriage. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts You Don’t Have to Say Yes to Selfish Sex

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On Kissing Before Marriage, Hilarious Reviews, and Horrifying Advice

On Fridays I like to take a look at what’s been happening on social media this week, because often most of the writing/thoughts end up on Facebook or Instagram, and if you mostly read the blog you may miss them.

So let’s go:

Let’s talk Kissing Before Marriage!

I posted this on Facebook: 

Let’s talk kissing before marriage!

One of the things I shared at Colorado Christian University last week: For the last twenty years in certain evangelical circles we’ve been saying that the ideal, the standard, the norm is no kissing before marriage.

But in our data of 20,000 predominantly Christian (and mostly evangelical) women, the vast, vast majority kissed before marriage.

Over 60s? 100% did.

In their 50s? Over 98% did.

It isn’t until you get to the under 30s that it starts to go up–but even then, 88% of women did.

The vast majority of people teaching that you should not kiss before marriage actually did kiss before marriage.

And we couldn’t even measure if NOT kissing before marriage was harmful (it looks like it likely was) because the results weren’t statistically significant, BECAUSE THERE WERE SO FEW OF THEM.
We talk like this is normal; but even with I Kissed Dating Goodbye selling millions of copies, people still kissed!

Kissing is not sex.

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Facebook

Interesting comments! Some were claiming that at least not kissing meant that you didn’t have sex (insinuating that if you did kiss, you likely had sex). Well, Joanna since ran the numbers for me, and when you look at couples who only ever had sex with each other, 71% who kissed before marriage did wait for the wedding.

So again–kissing isn’t sex!

Keith really brings it home in his video about the church justifies abuse

This was part of our podcast last week, but so many people asked for just this segment that we posted the video on Facebook and YouTube for you to share if it was too hard to share the whole podcast!

And if you’d rather share the text, it’s based on his post from last week about male power leading to abuse. 

 

See it on Facebook See it on YouTube

And remember to share it!

I’ve had some amazing feedback on my podcast from this week about attachment to God.

If you haven’t listened to our podcast with Krispin Mayfield, please do. The part on the wordless book is so important. The reason so many people feel so unlovable and have such shame is not due to sin they’ve committed but instead sin that’s been done to them. And yet we make people feel as if they are horribly tainted so much that God can’t stand to look at them. Is this really the message we need? How can we have a message of God that incorporates our sin, yes, but also considers the far more likely thing that many of us have been marred by pain? And what if our theology about connection is keeping us from God, rather than our sin? 

One woman left this comment on Facebook about it:

Shelia, I’m listening to the podcast and feel just dumbfounded. How could the church have so missed that most of us have broken attachments and therefore interpreted all this poorly-stated or just plain heretical theology in a really damaging way? How did they say they know we’re all broken without Jesus but somehow just not see me? Because so many others grew up hearing what I did but will say “I didn’t take it that way” or “Well, yeah, but also. . . ” I heard exactly the words said and took them for what they literally meant in English and ran HARD after Jesus—finding every fault I could correct, cutting off any and all feelings so I wouldn’t have “bad” ones–and it almost killed me. If feeling far from God was my fault and God wouldn’t heal my depression, then there was no hope for me. The Gospel was strong enough for everyone else but not me. I was too screwed up for the Good News to be good, for the Loving Father to feel loving, for the Hope of the World to lift me out of despair. It’s taken me a DECADE to open my Bible voluntarily without choking feelings of fear or shame.

How do I rage against the harmful theology that is hurting so many when people keep saying, much like they tell you about your marriage critiques, “Oh, you’re just not interpreting that right” or “Oh, well I wasn’t writing for wounded people”?????

When people leave comments that aren’t quite the “own” they think it is

I tweeted this out:

 

So…a guy just left a one-star review on The Great Sex Rescue because we said that men shouldn’t be satisfied sexually unless their wives are also satisfied.

Apparently women should be more sacrificial.

I don’t think that’s the own he thinks it is.

— Sheila Gregoire--The Great Sex Rescue is here! (@sheilagregoire) April 27, 2022

For those who can’t read it (who receive my newsletter by email), it says: “So…a guy just left a one-star review on The Great Sex Rescue because we said that men shouldn’t be satisfied sexually unless their wives are also satisfied. Apparently women should be more sacrificial. I don’t think that’s the own he thinks it is.”

Honestly, the three of us were really laughing over that review. And just a reminder–if you’ve read The Great Sex Rescue, or the new Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex and the Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex, reviews on Amazon and/or Goodreads make such a difference!

 

I think we all need to sit with this a while.

I left this image on Facebook and Instagram, with the caption below:

Imagine compassion being a BAD thing!.I used to recommend that women who wrote into my blog in distress in their marriage talk to their pastor..I can’t do that anymore. I’ve heard from far too many women who did that and it ended disastrously. I’ve seen studies that over 90% of women who escaped abusive marriages would not recommend going to their pastor, because of how badly it went for them..I know some churches do it right. But look at this quote from Jay Adams, the founder of biblical counseling, and remember that many churches rely on biblical counseling (instead of licensed, integrated Christian counseling which uses best practices of research)..Women, if you need help, go to the people who love you and your kids the most. Who are invested in your well-being (not just your appearances). Who you can trust..Sometimes that will be family. Sometimes it will be friends. And rarely it will be the church..But most churches have male only elder boards. The elders are friends with your husband. They may be abusers themselves (27% of religious men who believe in male headship admit to perpetrating intimate partner violence on their current partner). And many churches won’t let you divorce for abuse. Focus on the Family doesn’t. John MacArthur doesn’t. It’s bad..And please note: If your church isn’t safe for women in abusive marriages, then your church isn’t safe period. Let’s start growing the safe churches, so that in future church will be a safe place to recommend. Sheila Wray Gregoire

Facebook and Instagram

See it on Facebook See it on Instagram What if you're NOT the problem with your sex life?

What if the messages that you've been taught have messed things up--and what if there's a way to escape these toxic teachings?

It's time for a Great Sex Rescue. Buy it on Amazon! Where Else Can I Buy It?

I know I meant to share some great comments that came in this week, but I can’t remember which ones I promised to now! So if you remember me saying anything like “I should share that on Friday”, remind me what it was and I’ll make a post out of it next week!

In the meantime, remember you can help us out by:

Leaving reviews of our books on Amazon and/or GoodreadsBecoming a Patron as to support our work on two peer-reviewed papers this summerSee if your church/university/women’s group wants to host an event with me next year! Anywhere on the mid-to-east United States (like Texas and east). (Other events can also be arranged, but we’ll be down with our RV).Leaving a 5-star review of the Bare Marriage podcast wherever you listen–and downloading our podcast to listen to help our download numbers as we look for sponsorships

Thank you, and have a great weekend!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila is determined to help Christians find BIBLICAL, HEALTHY, EVIDENCE-BASED help for their marriage. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts Why My First Post-COVID Speaking Engagement Started with an Apology

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PODCAST: Do You Know Your Attachment Style? with Krispin Mayfield

I’m so excited to be switching gears for a month to talk about attachment!

I’ve been reading some books in the last year, and thinking and talking to people who are super smart, and I’ve become convinced that many issues in our marriages and spiritual lives are actually about attachment.

Attachment research is the science of how we relate to others. We can all have different attachment styles, based on whether we’ve got insecure attachment or secure attachment with our primary caregivers or loved ones (or even God!).

I thought I’d begin the series we’re jumping into in May by talking with Krispin Mayfield about our attachment styles with God, which set the stage for everything else in our lives. 

Listen to the Podcast Here

Browse all the Different Podcasts

See the Last Regular Women’s Podcast

Or, as always, you can watch on YouTube:

 

Timeline of the Podcast

0:10 Opening reminders
2:10 Our topic this upcoming month!

With guest Krispin Mayfield
3:10 The origins of attachment science
7:45 Our attachment styles to God
22:15 Shame filled & anxious filled attachment
30:45 God as a therapist?

With Keith
42:45 Research on attachment to parents vs religion
46:30 Attachment in marriage (2 RQs)
56:45 Encouragment! 

Main Segment: What Does It Mean to Be Attached to God?

I can’t tell you how much I enjoyed Krispin’s book Attached to God.

Check it out on Amazon!

Krispin is a licensed clinical counselor from the Portland area, and he does a lot of emotional therapy with couples to help them connect with their emotions and with each other.

But what if one of the big reasons that we can’t connect with our emotions is because we have insecure attachment styles, either because of what happened to us as kids or because of how we see God?

One of Krispin’s theories in the book is that our theology can shape our attachment. And often our theology about God–that if we feel far from God, we are doing something wrong–contributes to very insecure attachment styles.

Just a few quotes that I shared on the podcast (I’ll share more in another post!)

“Attachment science tells us how we feel in relationships. Do we feel safe and secure? Do we feel tentative or anxious? In the church, we know what we think about our relationship with God, but that can be different from how we feel about it….In most church communities, we’re afraid to talk about our insecurities with God because we feel we should not have them.”

“Then this confusing experience is made worse by the formulas we’re given by our faith communities. In his book The Purpose Driven Life, Rick Warren tells us, “You’re as close to God as you choose to be.” This becomes salt in the wound when we desperately want God to be close but experience only absence. If we feel far from God, we assume it’s because we’re not taking the steps, not because we don’t have an accurate map. If we don’t feel close, it must be our unwillingness to take the trek that keeps us apart.”

“Anxious attachment is a pattern of worriedly seeking closeness with God, fearing that the moment we relax, we will backslide into separation. We’re convinced it’s entirely up to us to maintain closeness with God, which means we can never actually rest with God. It’s up to you to stay close to God through prioritizing time in prayer, regular church attendance, or scheduled Bible reading.”

“Shame-filled attachment style puts us in a terrible place where we feel better when we’re distant from God and feel worse about ourselves when we’re close. Yet we need closeness, so we’re caught in a terrible dilemma. Though we long to draw near to God, as we come closer, we can see only disgust in the eyes of the Divine.”

Krispin Mayfield

Attached to God

He talks about three different styles of insecure attachment to God:

Anxious AttachmentShutdown AttachmentShame-Filled Attachment

Then he explains how we can recover healthy attachment, and get over our insecure way of seeing God. 

I found the book so freeing, as it helps us reframe what it really means to know God. 

Check out Attached to God here!

Support this Podcast with Knix Bras!

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I'm an affiliate for Knix, and when you buy their bras or underwear or clothing I get a percentage. I want to make enough to start paying to transcribe this podcast! And I'm only promoting stuff I absolutely love myself.

Check them out in the U.S.! Check them out in Canada! Then Keith joined me for some reader questions.

We looked at two different scenarios which originally look like marriage issues, but are likely rooted in attachment problems. 

In one, a husband refuses to work through conflict, instead declaring that he is the “head of the household” and shutting down conversation. In another, a husband is super passive and refuses to initiate or engage.

Both could be signs of a shutdown attachment style, where emotions are scary and threatening, so you do everything you can to avoid showing vulnerability. At times it looks like someone being domineering, and at times it looks like someone being passive. We can think this is all about communication, but what if it’s rooted in our attachment style? That’s what I want to explore for the month of May. How much of our marriage issues can be reframed if we understand attachment styles?

Things Mentioned in This Podcast:Krispin Mayfield on Twitter, plus his book Attached to GodThe Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex and The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex–check them out here!Knix bras! Use our affiliate links to purchase in Canada or in the United StatesThe Journal Article Attachment Theory and Religion, on how secure attachment with parents makes it more likely that children will adopt the parents’ religionRebecca’s book Why I Didn’t Rebel, which is all about how to have that sort of relationship with your teens

 

 

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila is determined to help Christians find BIBLICAL, HEALTHY, EVIDENCE-BASED help for their marriage. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts PODCAST: Do Christians Have Better Sex Lives? A Response to Josh Howerton

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Do we Think Jesus Saves Women so Women Can Save Men?

How is it that we defeat sin?

According to the Bible, the Holy Spirit transforms us into the likeness of Christ (Romans 8:29) and sanctifies us once we make Jesus Lord of our life. We live by the Spirit (Romans 8) and we aren’t slaves to sin anymore. We take every thought captive (2 Corinthians 10:5). We walk in Jesus’ steps and we throw off everything that hinders (Hebrews 12:1-3) as we run the race.

But how is that so many Christian books and organizations say that men defeat sin?

Women do it for them.

Last week I told you about the chapel service that I did at Colorado Christian University. I talked about how I apologized for the very low view of men that we have in far too many Christian resources. I had some people ask me to elaborate on the graphic that I used, and I thought I’d do so today.

Here’s the problem: Whenever we tell women that they should do something to prevent sin in men, then we say that Jesus isn’t who sanctifies men; it’s women.

And when we look at what far too many books and resources say, that’s certainly the impression I get.

Here are just a few:​

“Your wife can be a methadone-like fix when your temperature is rising.” (p. 118)

“Once he tells you he’s going cold turkey, be like a merciful vial of methadone for him.” (p. 120)

“When men aren’t getting regular sexual release, their eyes are more difficult to control. Help him out in this battle. Give him release.” (p. 148)

“I want to be free, but I’m becoming frustrated and angry with the church. The Bible says that women should dress modestly, but they don’t. The women soloists are always wearing the latest, tightest fashions. I look at them, but all I see are curves and legs. You know, the one who always wears the slit way up the thigh? That thigh flashes with every step she takes. I just get enraged!” (p. 23)

Steven Arterburn and Fred Stoeker

Every Man's Battle

About sending boudoir photos or nude photos to your husband: “Scott calls the photos “awesome” and says they draw him toward Izzy again and again. With those pictures seared in his mind, his sexual interest is centered on Izzy, and neurologically he’s less likely to be drawn to other women.”

Gary Thomas and Debra Fileta

Married Sex

“One satisfied husband summed it up rather graphically when asked if he had ever been tempted to try extramarital experiences: “When you have a Cadillac in the garage, how can you be tempted to steal a Volkswagen off the street?” (p. 33)

Tim and Beverly LaHaye

The Act of Marriage

“The cold, hard truth is that men are often lured into affairs because they are sexually deprived at home.” (p. 253) Emerson Eggerichs

Love & Respect

“But for a husband, sex is pure need. His eyes, ears, brain and emotions get clouded if he doesn’t have that release.” (p. 62) Stormie Omartian

Power of a Praying Wife

Those are just a few examples; I don’t want to spend hours combing through my notes for The Great Sex Rescue to find more. But trust me–they’re everywhere. Men will lust if women don’t cover up. Women are stumbling blocks. Women should have more sex to keep their husbands from watching porn. If girls don’t watch what they dress, they’ll be responsible for boys lusting (tons of those quotes in our notes for our upcoming mothers of daughters book, She Deserves Better).

What if you're NOT the problem with your sex life?

What if the messages that you've been taught have messed things up--and what if there's a way to escape these toxic teachings?

It's time for a Great Sex Rescue. Buy it on Amazon! Where Else Can I Buy It? And then there’s what these books say about male nature–that men sin simply because that’s the way they’re wired:

Most of these are also from our notes for The Great Sex Rescue, though the newer ones, like Gary Thomas’ Married Sex, I’ve found since.

“Even apart from our stopping short of God’s standards, we find another reason for the prevalence of sexual sin among men. We got there naturally–simply by being male.” (Every Man’s Battle, p. 61)

“[S]ome form of sexual sin is a universal struggle among all men. There isn’t a man alive who isn’t bent in his sexual desires. (Gary Thomas, Quoting Al Mohler, “What Your Husband May Never Tell You (and one thing he needs to do accordingly)”

“Remember, our habits are rooted in our maleness. We understand them. Women don’t. Almost without fail, women who hear about your sexual impuity will think of you as a pervert.” (Every Man’s Battle, p. 116)

“Men don’t naturally have that Christian view of sex.” (Every Heart Restored, p. 87)

“Women must cultivate the problem of visual lust, whereas men almost universally must cope with the problem just because they are men.” (Act of Marriage, p. 298)

When I read the quotes from Every Man’s Battle about men not having the Christian view of sex, one of the women in the audience actually shouted “No way!” They were shocked.

But it’s not just about sex either!

The Gospel Coalition put out a reel earlier this year where Ligon Duncan said that men can’t be expected to do “risky” things for Christ like reading your Bible, praying, or thinking about life from a Christian point of view unless their wives were first respecting them. So men can’t be expected to do the bare minimum of the Christian life unless their wives were constantly telling them they were awesome and letting them be in charge.

Again, it’s not Jesus who transforms then. It’s not the Holy Spirit who helps men. It’s women.

Ironically, the churches that teach that men can’t behave without women often also believe in male only leadership in the church and home.

Check out our Merch! “Love AND Respect” Accent Coffee Mug, 11oz $12.00 “Love AND Respect” Canvas Tote Bag $16.00 – $20.00 “Love And Respect” Unisex Jersey Short Sleeve Tee $22.00 – $25.00 Square Stickers $2.50 – $3.00 What I want people to understand is that this is misandry.

It is misandry to say that men are made with LESS of a Christian nature than women. That men are more likely to sin than women. That men can’t be expected to do the basics of the Christian life, while women are already doing them.

It is misandry to say that there is something wrong with how God created men.

Now, if people were saying that men are more likely to sin in this way, and women are more likely to sin in this way, and men can stop women from sinning–well, I still think it’s wrong theologically, but at least it would be balanced. But that’s not what’s being said. In all of these passages, it’s assumed that women aren’t having a hard time not sinning. It’s only men who are. And women need to help them.

When I explain this, I am often accused of man-bashing.

I find this terribly ironic (and quite funny actually), because I’m doing the exact opposite. I’m saying that there isn’t anything inherently bad about being male. God did not make you “less than.” He did not create a nature where you automatically sin, and then tell you that you’re a dirty rotten sinner because you do. He did not give you an impossible job.

If you think this is man bashing, ask yourself: “Am I trying to find an excuse so that men can keep on lusting and watching porn without guilt?” Because to me, that’s what’s going on. People want a license for men to keep sinning, and the way they get that is to blame their sin on either God (you made me this way!) or women (she didn’t help me.) Sound familiar?

Jesus saves men, just as Jesus saves women.

To get the order mixed up is to create horrendously dysfunctional relationships that will never work, and to pull people further and further away from God.

I hope, in the next generation, we can get this right.

What do you think? Can you think of other examples? Is this a low view of men, or a high view of men? Let’s talk in the comments!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila is determined to help Christians find BIBLICAL, HEALTHY, EVIDENCE-BASED help for their marriage. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts Keith: It’s a Short Line from Male Power to Abuse of Women and Children

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You Don’t Have to Say Yes to Selfish Sex

God does not ask us to consent to selfish sex.

In fact, one-sided intercourse is not sex. I can summarize The Great Sex Rescue by saying that sex is supposed to be MUTUAL, INTIMATE, and PLEASURABLE FOR BOTH.

That’s what God intended.

Sex is not merely intercourse (which is why we need a new definition of sex). Sex is meant for both of you to enjoy, together.

If your spouse is orgasming but is doing absolutely nothing to give you any pleasure, and doesn’t care about that fact, that is not real sex. That isn’t a deep “knowing” of each other; that’s a using.

A woman left a comment over the weekend, and I shared it on Facebook as well, but it deserves its own post because I know some of you need to hear this. She writes:

I have been married several decades. My husband has no desire to be intimate in or out of bed. We waited until marriage to have intercourse and I was absolutely shocked in the beginning at how selfish he was. I’ve tried to gently speak to him about it and have asked him if he knows that women enjoy sex too and rarely do it in one or two minutes with no foreplay. I’ve asked him why he wants it to be over so quickly. I never get answers he just laughs. I believe he laughs due to being uncomfortable. …At this point, I’ve just given up hope completely on any improvement and it makes me sad. I only have sex when he requests it. .. I do have desires but I know it’s hopeless. I wonder if others can relate.

This man is using his wife.

Some men may be doing this out of selfishness and maliciousness; some out of ignorance and emotional stuntedness.

It sounds like, for him, he is utterly unable to acknowledge or touch his emotions, and can’t talk about difficult things. And so he shuts down. As we’ll be talking about this month, this sounds like a very insecure attachment style, where he never learned how to handle his emotions.

In some cases, this could also be coercive sex.

If the husband is berating her, giving the silent treatment, or treating her badly if she doesn’t have sex with him, that’s coercion (or marital rape).

But often it isn’t the husband who is coercing the wife but rather her view of Scripture that is pressuring her to give him one-sided sex.

She feels like she’ll be sinning if she “deprives” him. But in this case, she is already being deprived. And he’s missing out on a proper sex life, too, because all he’s getting is physical release; nothing more. And contrary to what Every Man’s Battle, Love & Respect, and Power of a Praying Wife says, sex is not mostly about a husband’s physical release. Sex is supposed to be mutual and intimate.

Allowing this to continue hurts you, hurts your husband, and hurts your relationship.

Having intercourse helps him feel connected to you without having to do any work to connect. He isn’t sharing emotions with her; but he’s using her to soothe himself and make him feel like they are close when they are not.

He is sowing discord and pain in their relationship, but she is the one reaping it. And as Galatians 6:8 says, “Do not be deceived; God is not mocked, for you reap whatever you sow.” You’re supposed to reap what you sow. But in this case, he’s sowing it and she’s reaping it. As Cloud & Townsend say in their book Boundaries, by allowing this to continue she is disrupting the law of sowing and reaping.

And this will not get better magically by continuing to do the same thing. He needs to be confronted with the reality of what he has done. He needs a reason to confront his fears and insecurities about vulnerability and emotions so he can become healthier. And she needs to be saved from the trauma of being used.

So, friends, if this is you, it’s okay to say:

 

I want to experience an amazing sex life with you! I truly want to make love and experience passion. But I am no longer willing to be used. Until you want to figure out how my body works and make me feel good too, I will be saying no.

Now, if that would be dangerous for you to do, that’s a good sign that this is an abusive relationship and you need to get some help.

Call a domestic abuse hotline, or see a licensed counselor familiar in abuse dynamics to make a plan (if you’re not in immediate danger).

If you recognize yourself in these stories, please contact a Domestic Violence HotlineCanada: 800.799.SAFE (7233)United States: 1-800-621-HOPE (4673).United Kingdom: 08 08 16 89 111Australia: 1800 015 188New Zealand: 0800 456 450Kenya: 0-800-720-072Nigeria: 0800 033 3333South Africa: 0800 428 428

But submitting to being used like this is not of God. It does not bring glory to anyone. It merely reinforces a counterfeit of real intimacy. Please read The Great Sex Rescue to see more about how these kinds of ideas have infiltrated the church and made us all feel trapped.

And remember, you matter. It’s okay to say no.

UPDATE: And as a commenter so rightly pointed out, this can go both ways. Women can also be selfish and demand selfish sex. It isn’t okay, either. BOTH people matter, always.

What if you're NOT the problem with your sex life?

What if the messages that you've been taught have messed things up--and what if there's a way to escape these toxic teachings?

It's time for a Great Sex Rescue. Buy it on Amazon! Where Else Can I Buy It?

How can we help more women (and men) understand this? How can we change people’s definition so that one-sided intercourse isn’t sex? Let’s talk in the comments!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila is determined to help Christians find BIBLICAL, HEALTHY, EVIDENCE-BASED help for their marriage. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts Why Evangelicals Can’t Influence the World about Sex

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Why My First Post-COVID Speaking Engagement Started with an Apology

Yesterday I had the great privilege of speaking at Colorado Christian University’s Chapel..

It was my first post-COVID (since COVID? COVID’s not really over) speaking engagement in person.

I’ve done several via Zoom–some MOPS groups, a counseling group, several university classes–but I haven’t gone anywhere in person. I haven’t even been out of the country!

Before I spoke, the group of about 1000 students who were gathered were singing worship songs. At one point I turned around and looked at the crowd and really teared up.

The Great Sex Rescue has been out for over a year now, and it’s caused controversy, and it’s caused joy, and it’s caused relief and validation and so many emotions. We’re still being blacklisted by the biggest in evangelical Christianity, but pastors and counselors are recommending it like crazy.

And as I turned around, I realized that the first people I’d be speaking to aren’t my normal target audience at all. Most weren’t even married yet.

But they were the ones who were going to change the world.

I began with an apology.

I told the group that my generation, and the Boomer generation before me, had failed them. We had taught terrible things about marriage and sex in the evangelical world, and then we hadn’t spoken up as those terrible things got passed around.

The focus of my talk was really about how male sexuality and the objectification of women had been seen as one and the same.

We don’t believe in the transforming power of Christ anymore. We think that men were made to sin sexually, and women were there to be the sin managers.

In fact, I created this graphic to show what I meant:

Jesus saves women, and then women in turn stand between men and Jesus, becoming “methadone” for their husbands’ sex addictions (Every Man’s Battle). As Gary Thomas suggested, we send boudoir or naked photos to our husbands so that “neurologically, he’s less likely to be drawn to other women.” (Married Sex, p. 126).

Nowhere in Scripture does it say that we have to be shinier than sin to defeat sin.

And I went on to explain how once we devalue the power of the cross in one area of life, we do it in others too, showing how little Christian books think of men. 

Then, of course, I shared how this hurt women, too.

We have heard so much about misogyny in the church, but it’s time we also started addressing misandry.

We think so little of men. We excuse so much.

And it should never have been that way. Men don’t need to be in constant slavery to lust, and they’re not helpless without a woman.

I told them that Ecclesiastes 3:5 said that there was a time to scatter stones, and a time to gather them together.

Right now is the scattering; God is breaking down walls. Giants are falling. The church is being shaken.

But it will be up to their generation to gather those stones together and build something new about marriage and sex on a healthy foundation.

Later, in the evening, I held a smaller event of about 150 people where I talked about our findings regarding purity culture.

And I ended up doing an hour long Q&A, answering everything from masturbation to fetishes to sex before marriage.

What if you're NOT the problem with your sex life?

What if the messages that you've been taught have messed things up--and what if there's a way to escape these toxic teachings?

It's time for a Great Sex Rescue. Buy it on Amazon! Where Else Can I Buy It? I really enjoy speaking to university students, and I hope I get the chance to go to other campuses.

I’d love to do some guest lectures in some counseling courses. I’d love to talk about the importance of research done right. And, of course, I’d love to talk about our findings in general.

So if you work at a university and you’d like to bring me in,  shoot me an email!  And I would be happy even just to Zoom into some classrooms too.

Let’s get the word out and start changing the world for the next generation!

We’re also starting to book for next year.

We’ll be going down the eastern U.S. in late October/early November; heading to the south and to Florida in January; and then travelling through the middle driving back to Canada in late March/early April. So let us know if you’d like us to make your church or group or school a stop!

Are you in the Denver area?

I’ve got an informal meet-n-greet tonight at 7:30 in the Great Hall at the Anschutz Student Center at Colorado Christian University!

I’d love to meet some of you in real life, and I’ll be hanging around answering questions and chatting with whoever comes by!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila is determined to help Christians find BIBLICAL, HEALTHY, EVIDENCE-BASED help for their marriage. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts PODCAST: The Most Misunderstood Women of the Bible–and Research! Feat. Mary DeMuth

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PODCAST: Do Christians Have Better Sex Lives? A Response to Josh Howerton

Do Christians have better marriages and sex lives?

Last month Josh Howerton, lead pastor at Lakepointe Church in Dallas, wrote a Twitter thread sharing research with 5 reasons Christians are doing better than the media gives us credit for. Matt Chandler, head of The Acts29 Network and lead pastor at The Village Church, retweeted it.

And he turned it into a long article for The Gospel Coalition.

The problem? The research he uses doesn’t say what he says it says. And today, we wanted to take advantage of the researcher side of our team, Joanna Sawatsky, visiting, and look at this in depth.

Listen to the Podcast Here

Browse all the Different Podcasts

See the Last “Start Your Engines” (Men’s) Podcast

Or, as always, you can watch on YouTube:

 

Timeline of the Podcast

0:10 We love our supporters!
2:45 Defining research terms
11:15 Dissecting Josh Howarton’s twitter thread
14:10 Religiosity is good
25:30 Sexual and Marital satisfaction
30:00 Extra stats and facts!
38:20 Gender oppression of women?
55:15 In Summary
59:30 Keith’s closing article

When it comes to research, operational definitions matter!

We start the podcast talking about how you can’t make claims that “religious people have better sex” unless you define both “religious people” and “better sex”. That’s what’s called an operational definition. We began with an example of the LACK of operational definitions when it came to respect in the book Love & Respect.

Do Christians Do Better with Marriage and Sex?

The quick answer is yes. But it’s YES with HUGE caveats, and unfortunately Howerton doesn’t explain those caveats.

I’m going to write a longer post about this, likely next week, where I list out our concerns in detail. But in brief today:

Religiosity and church attendance has been found to be beneficial for relationships.

In fact, this is so well-known in psychological literature that it’s not even studied anymore because it’s been largely proven. But as I wrote about earlier this month in my post on leaving churches that are toxic, just because the AVERAGE is good does not mean that every church, or every doctrine, or every branch of Christianity is better off.

In this thread, Howerton is using a huge report by the Institute of Family Studies saying that Christians–and specifically Christians in his complementarian, traditional gender roles theology--do better than others. He uses five measures, and we’re just going to focus on the two that have to do with marriage and sex:

Cultural narrative #2: Christians are sexually repressive and anti-sex, creating a toxic purity culture.

“Purity culture” has become a boogeyman—a catchall phrase big enough to hang every cultural qualm about the Christian sexual ethic on. Rather than liberated, “sex positive” people who can enjoy their sexuality, those who internalize the church’s repressive purity culture will be anti-sex. At least that’s the claim. But again, the stats disagree.

Churchgoing, conservative Christians are in the category with the most fulfilling sex lives in America. Putting a premium on covenant marriage, it turns out, creates a relational dynamic filled with the kind of passion the world wants us to think is produced only by liberation from Scripture’s “outdated” sexual mores.

Cultural narrative #5: Christianity is gender-oppressive, a tool of the abusive patriarchy, and creates toxic relationships for women.

In the #MeToo era, it’s critical for us to admit that churches have not always been exempt from the category of the many institutions that have failed to protect women. #ChurchToo is real and shouldn’t be explained away. What I want to argue, though, is that our failures in this area are failures to live up to our theology, not failures inherent in our theology.

Josh Howerton

No, Christianity is Not as Bad a You Think, The Gospel Coalition

In brief, here are our issues with how Josh Howerton handled the research:

1. He conflates “conservative Christian” with “religious”

The Institute for Family Studies measured religiosity, not evangelical Christians. Included were Buddhists, Hindus, Jews, etc. And Catholics outnumbered Protestants 2:1, and Protestants were not broken down into mainline vs. evangelical. (p. 24 of the report)

2. The terms “sexual satisfaction” and “marital abuse” were not defined well in Josh Howerton’s report

The sexual satisfaction findings, for instance, referred to just one question asking about subjective satisfaction; it did not focus on measurable indices such as vaginismus rates or orgasm rates. And in #5, while saying he was talking about how Christians had less abuse, he only shared the information about marital satisfaction, and did not share the information about abuse.

3. He stated conclusions when the results were not statistically significant

In some places, he stated that traditional gender role couples did better than progressive religious couples, even though the report said those results were not statistically significant (so the confidence intervals overlapped, which means they were statistically the same).

4. The study suggested that conservative, traditional gender role religious people were more likely to be abusive than more egalitarian religious people–and more likely than some secular people.

Despite his claims that people IN HIS THEOLOGY did the best when it came to abuse, this report actually shows a trend where religious men who believe in male headship score second to worst when it comes to committing intimate partner violence, while religious people who believe in egalitarianism score the best.

The report actually found exactly the opposite of what Howerton claimed. 

Though these results weren’t statistically significant, the trend is interesting. And the graph that Josh uses to show that traditional gender role religious poeple are happier than egalitarian couples? That’s not statistically significant either.

5. He ignored the report’s conclusions.

In the report itself, they concluded that abuse was not better in religious communities (p.  4 of the report), and that you could not conclude from their research that religious people have better sex lives (p. 27 of the report). In fact, at the very beginning of the report where they make their big conclusions, they said:

When it comes to domestic violence, religious couples in heterosexual relationships do not have an advantage over secular couples or less/mixed religious couples.

Measures of intimate partner violence (IPV)—which includes physical abuse, as well as sexual abuse, emotional abuse, and controlling behaviors—do not differ in a statistically significant way by religiosity. Slightly more than 20% of the men in our sample report perpetuating IPV, and a bit more than 20% of the women in our sample indicate that they have been victims of IPV in their relationship. Our results suggest, then, that religion is not protective against domestic violence for this sample of couples from the Americas, Europe, and Oceania. However, religion is not an increased risk factor for domestic violence in these countries, either.

World Family Map 2019

Institute for Family Studies

Again, we found in our survey for The Great Sex Rescue that religiosity brings better sex and marriage. But that does not mean that conservative evangelicals who believe in male headship do better. In fact, they consistently have been shown to do worse on many measures.

This study does not show what Josh Howerton thinks it shows.

Our study of 20,000 women for The Great Sex Rescue showed that evangelical women suffer from vaginismus at twice the rate of the general population, and we have a higher orgasm gap in evangelicalism between men and women than has been measured on general population studies.

When Christians do not believe harmful messages, though, these things are markedly improved.

We wanted to draw attention to this because it was such a good example of how Christians often misuse research and claim it says something it does not say.

This is why it’s so important to go the source and check!

We found the report by the Institute for Family Studies well done, quoting a wide variety of peer reviewed sources. However, Howerton appears to have cherry-picked from the report, and did so in a way that misrepresented the report’s findings and conclusions.

What if you're NOT the problem with your sex life?

What if the messages that you've been taught have messed things up--and what if there's a way to escape these toxic teachings?

It's time for a Great Sex Rescue. Buy it on Amazon! Where Else Can I Buy It? Keith joins us to say that he believes the correlation between beliefs in male hieararchy and abuse are unmistakable.

In fact, he’s quite angry about this, and he shares his article from this week about this.

 

Support this Podcast with Knix Bras!

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I'm an affiliate for Knix, and when you buy their bras or underwear or clothing I get a percentage. I want to make enough to start paying to transcribe this podcast! And I'm only promoting stuff I absolutely love myself.

Check them out in the U.S.! Check them out in Canada! Things Mentioned in This Podcast:Our Patreon! Support us for as little as $5 a month as we try to get more research published in peer reviewed journals and call Christians to a higher level of research integrity.The Great Sex Rescue: Our book based upon our study of 20,000 womenJosh Howerton’s Gospel Coalition articleThe Institute for Family Studies World Map 2019 Report that Josh Howerton uses for his conclusionsThe study by Michael Gilad about domestic violence in religious communitiesKeith’s article on the intersection of the belief in male hierarchy and abuse

What do you think? Why do Christians often not understand research? Let’s talk in the comments!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila is determined to help Christians find BIBLICAL, HEALTHY, EVIDENCE-BASED help for their marriage. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts 4 Concerns I Have with Biblical Counseling

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Keith: It’s a Short Line from Male Power to Abuse of Women and Children

Sheila here!

Last week I published some “Fixed it for Yous” from biblical counselors which were extremely disturbing.

My husband Keith was just infuriated, and asked to write his response.

He’s quite passionate about this, and he’ll be recording this for our podcast this week too!

So here’s Keith!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

The abuse of children is unconscionable.

Knowing I am a pediatrician, I am sure no one will be surprised to learn that I have a soft spot for children. In fact, I have been that way as long as I can remember.

In high school, I volunteered to tutor kids in younger grades who were struggling in school. I was the kind of teenage boy that actually liked babysitting – – and who parents felt they could trust with their kids! While Sheila and I were dating in university we started leading our church’s high school youth group and we have been involved with children & youth ministries off and on ever since.

I find the Bible stories of Jesus with the little children so rich and meaningful and I know I am not alone in that.

When the writers of “The Chosen” spend an entire episode depicting the interactions of Jesus with a group of children who find his camp in Capernaum, we instantly realize that this is not a fanciful diversion from the true story of the gospel.

Although nothing in that episode is actually recorded in the gospels, it clearly and completely resonates with everything the gospels actually do say. Jesus pointed to children over and over again as examples for us adults to follow precisely because children can teach us so much about God. Who has not experienced that sense that we are somehow touching heaven when seeing the undiluted joy of discovery in the face of a child seeing something marvellous in creation for the very first time?

Which makes the teachings from John Street and Jay Adams that Sheila has been exposing recently all the more hideous and vile.

For those of you who did not see Sheila’s “Fixed It For You” posts earlier this month, let’s start with Street’s:

Dr John Street is Chair of the Graduate Program in Biblical Counselling at Master’s University, which is run by Dr John MacArthur. 

When Sheila shared with me that a man who calls himself a Christian had publicly said these words, I was literally speechless.

In fact, I still can’t wrap my head around it. The reality that Street is not the only one to think this way, though, has been hammered home time and again as I have watched the various comment sections since Sheila first posted. To my amazement and horror, people keep trying to justify Street by saying Sheila is “taking him out of context”.  They claim Street was “telling the girl’s story in her own words” or “he was just presenting her perspective of events”. But in what context is it EVER okay to refer to an adult man having sexual relations with a 4-year old girl as “sleeping with her”? In what context it is EVER okay to say that the abuse of a young girl was “BECAUSE” (Street’s word) the mother was not giving the abuser enough “sexual satisfaction”? 

There is no context that makes this right. This teaching is pure, undiluted EVIL.

And sadly – though not surprisingly – this is actually NOT an instance of Street being taken out of context. I watched the video myself (start around the 6:00 mark) and felt sick to my stomach as he went on to talk about how this woman after being sexually assaulted as a child “handled things biblically”. And what did he mean by that? She rejected “abuse literature” which would say “you’re a victim” and instead recognized “the depravity of her own heart when going through this”.

Yes, you heard that correctly: telling a 4-year old girl that she “was a victim” of sexual abuse is not biblical according to these people. No, that is a worldly interpretation. The “biblical” method is to explore her own sinfulness in the situation.

And Street is not an aberration in saying this; he is speaking right out of the official playbook as Sheila’s two follow-up “Fixed It For You” posts from Dr Jay Adams, the founder of Biblical Counselling shows:

Christ, have mercy!

When I was in medical school I spent a summer doing research work for a Child Protection Team that assessed and treated children who were victims of physical and sexual abuse.

My research job was basically being a “data monkey”. I took all the information from each case (demographics of the victim and the perpetrator, details of the abuse, findings from the team’s assessment, etc) and I organized it and input it into a database that would be used for future research. Part of the experience was also to get some exposure to clinical medicine by observing the team as they did their assessments.

Many times during that summer and (sadly) during my subsequent career as a pediatrician, I have looked into the faces of victims of childhood sexual abuse and seen the maelstrom of emotions as they try to sort out what has happened to them. I learned from the therapists on that team to say, “It is important for you to know that when this happens, it is always the adult’s fault; it is never the child’s fault.”

But men like Street and Adams would say that those therapists and I are worldly and incorrect. To be “biblical”, we ought to explore the child’s “own depravity” in what happened.

To them I can only say: “Woe to you who call evil good and good evil” (Isaiah 5:20a). How will you stand before the One who said, “Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them. For the kingdom of God belongs to such as these?”

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It comes down to our view of men and women. MacArthur is famous for his stance that men are ordained by God to be in authority over women. To me, the fact that people making these atrocious statements are based in his university is no coincidence. It seems obvious that teaching God has put men in authority over women comes with an intrinsic danger that we will prioritize men over women, but I have yet to see those who believe in male authority grappling seriously with this issue. All I have heard is their assertions that their position actually protects women and children.

But do we actually see that happening in the church?

Consider what Julie Roys has brought to light about how MacArthur publicly shamed and excommunicated his parishioner, Eileen Gray, after she decided to protect her children by refusing to take her abusive husband back into the home. This man that MacArthur was so eager to reunite with his children was subsequently convicted of aggravated child molestation, corporal injury to a child and child abuse, but MacArthur and his supporters still stand by their decision to support him over Eileen and her children. In their mind, Eileen’s husband had repented and wanted to reconcile so Eileen was in sin for not forgiving him.  This is what they call “Biblical”.

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But anybody who knows anything about abuse knows about the abuse cycle.

Abusers say they are sorry and will change, they “love bomb” their victims and make it seem like everything is all better now – – until the next time.

I take Jesus’ admonition to be “shrewd like serpents” quite seriously when it comes to abusive men.  When I see men weeping and crying about the abuse they have committed, I hear the words of John the Baptizer ringing clearly in my mind: “You brood of vipers! Who warned you to flee from the coming wrath? Produce fruit in keeping with repentance.” (Matthew 3:7b-8). In my opinion, if an abusive man is truly repentant he will humbly accept that he needs to prove he truly has changed before he even thinks about asking anything from anybody.

But what response do we see from these teachers?

The priority of men and the expendability of women and children in their minds are plain for all to see.

Consider how Street, faced with the story of a man who abused his 4-year old step-daughter for years, slickly and smoothly switches the focus away from the abuser to the 4-year old and her mother. How can anyone not be sickened watching Street make excuses for a man that any other person would consider a monster? Jesus said, “If anyone causes one of these little ones who believe in me to stumble, it would be better for them to have a large millstone hung around their neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea.” In stark contrast, however, men like Street & Adams encourage sympathy, painting the abuser as a poor man whose hateful wife deprived him of sexual satisfaction.

It is disgusting and evil beyond all comprehension.

MacArthur and others who preach male authority make the case that we ought not to let our culture interpret the Bible. Well the words and actions of MacArthur, Street and Adams demonstrate that they come from a culture where, to put it bluntly, men matter in a way that women and children simply don’t. And it is long past time for them to stop pointing fingers at feminist bogeymen and to realize that in fact is it their patriarchal and misogynist culture that is skewing their interpretation of the Bible.

If these teachers would only heed Jesus’ admonition to “remove the plank from their own eye”, they might see they are unjustly accusing egalitarians of a sin that in fact has come home to roost among them a hundred times over. You cannot say you speak for Jesus and then promote such evil as Street and Adams are spewing. 

If the working out of your theological position results in deliberately putting children into harm’s way and even blaming victims of child abuse for what happened to them while making excuses for the men who abused them then it is not from Jesus no matter how many Bible verses you stick onto it.

What do you think? How did this stuff become “biblical”? How do we fight against it? Let’s talk in the comments!

Keith Gregoire

Blog and Podcast Contributor, Co-Author with Sheila of two upcoming marriage books

Keith is the rock that supports Sheila, who runs this blog! Sheila and Keith married when Keith was attending Queen's University medical school in Kingston, Ontario. He later completed his residency in pediatrics at the Hospital for Sick Children, and has since directed the pediatric undergraduate program at Queen's University, and been Chief of Pediatrics at a community hospital in Belleville, Ontario. He and Sheila speak at marriage conferences around the world, and together they've also done medical missions in Kenya. Next up: They're authoring The Guy's Guide to Great Sex together! Plus, of course, he's an avid birdwatcher. Related Posts Your Thoughts on Biblical Counseling vs. Licensed Counseling

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