Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 11

PODCAST: New Research Blows Away the Evangelical Idea about Lust

Is lust really every man’s battle? And how do we handle different libidos?

It’s launch week for The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex and The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and I wanted to save some of our most important findings from our men’s survey for this special podcast!

I invited Andrew Bauman, a licensed counselor and author of the new book How Not to Be an *ss, and Carl Thomas, who runs xxxchurch.com, on to talk about our new stats. And then Keith and I tackled two reader questions about libido issues!

Listen to the Podcast Here

Browse all the Different Podcasts

See the Last “Start Your Engines” (Men’s) Podcast

Or, as always, you can watch on YouTube:

 

The All New Guides to Great Sex!Available now! Imagine building a great sex life--from the ground up!

What would it look like to build a picture of sex that was MUTUAL, INTIMATE, and PLEASURABLE FOR BOTH--with no harmful messages?

Welcome to the The Good Guy's Guide to Great Sex and the ALL NEW Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex. Get them NOW!

And let's make these the go-to wedding shower gifts!

Order Now Main Segment: Let’s talk about our porn and lust stats!

We shared the stats I mentioned yesterday about lust, but also looked at our porn stats–how many guys watch porn now; how many have watched it in the past; how many consider it a problem. We looked at the obligation sex message and the other harmful teachings we measured to see how many guys believed it. And we looked at how these things impact marital and sexual satisfaction.

All of these are based on our survey of men for The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex–which is now available!

And joining me to react were:

Andrew Bauman, Co-Director of the Christian Counseling Center for Sexual Addiction and Trauma. He’s a licensed counselor with specialties in sexual addiction, and he’s been a frequent guest on the podcast. He’s written several books, including The Psychology of Porn, and his most recent book is a collection of essays around abuse, entitled How Not To Be an *ss.

Carl Thomas, founder of Live Free and Director of XXXChurch.com. Carl recently acquired XXXChurch, and has transformed it into a community for people battling sexual compulsions. He has a Masters in Theological Studies, and is dedicated to helping the church defeat shame. His most recent book is When Shame Gets Real: A New Way to Talk About Sex, Porn and Masturbation.

See it on Amazon! See it on Amazon! How Do We Deal with Differences in the Bedroom?

Then Keith and I tackled two reader questions that feature quite prominently in both The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex and The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex–dealing with libido differences, plus what to do if she doesn’t reach orgasm!

One woman writes:

My husband is very attentive to my needs, and always makes sure I have an orgasm, but my libido is still low. An ongoing issue in our [multi-decade] marriage is him feeling upset that I rarely initiate. He takes it personally, especially because he tries so hard to make it enjoyable for me….which then leads me to feel guilt, anxiety, stress, and obligation. Like he is saying, “here, I worked really hard to make you this awesome chocolate cake!” and I still don’t want it. We have had many conversations about it and I always communicate that it’s not about him. But I just need/want it far less frequently than he does. Whenever he asks or initiates, I oblige, but I still rarely initiate. In all honesty, (and I don’t want to hurt my husbands feelings, or insult him in any way) I would typically rather sleep.

And the next wrote: 

My husband and I did have sex before we were married. It was fast, and I rarely orgasmed (though I can in about 15-20 minutes, so I don’t take that long), but I didn’t want to say anything because we weren’t supposed to be having sex anyway.

Fast forward to the honeymoon. We had sex daily. And yet, I was left hanging 90% of the time. This left me pretty resentful. I know e loves me and is very attracted to me and he gets so excited he forgets sometimes. I do believe him when he says this-so I have been asking him to slow down and be more intentional. It has gotten better, but I am SO hung up on the hurts from the honeymoon and also conversations that took place after, where he said that I am too much work and he doesn’t want to engage in that. I know that some of what he said was out of hurt and frustration because of this topic, so I don’t know how much weight to put on his words in those moments since I honestly do have an issue with bringing up these heavier topics up at not the best time.

I have such a hard time balancing speaking up for myself and prioritizing BOTH of our pleasure while not feeling resentful. He stated once he would prefer to have sex daily, and honestly so would I! But then it doesn’t happen and it leaves me confused. And I believe it’s because he doesn’t want to engage with me and “do the work”… (I do try to initiate as well, that area is pretty balanced). He also frequently mentions that he is inexperienced in this area (which I am grateful for honestly because he stopped viewing porn in high school, we are 26 and 27), but the issue is the HEART behind it and his desire to truly know/care about me in this area or not.

Listen in on our answers–and again, I do believe the two new books would help with both of these scenarios quite a bit!

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Check them out in the U.S.! Check them out in Canada! Things Mentioned in This Podcast:The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex and The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex–they’re here!Our Patreon–support us for as little as $5 a month and get access to unfiltered podcasts and our exclusive Patreon groupAndrew Bauman and his book How Not to Be an *ssCarl Thomas and his book When Shame Gets RealKnix bras–our affiliate link to support this blog! In the United States or CanadaOur recent post on how lust is not every man’s battle

 

What would you say to our two readers asking questions? Or do you have a take on some of our new stats? Let’s talk in the comments!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila is determined to help Christians find BIBLICAL, HEALTHY, EVIDENCE-BASED help for their marriage. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts On Vipers in Diapers, Emotional Enmeshment, and Toxic Churches

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The post PODCAST: New Research Blows Away the Evangelical Idea about Lust appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

The Post That Will Help Men Defeat Lust

Does lust have to be every man’s battle?

The Every Man’s Battle book series has sold 4,000,000 copies, and they’ve certainly spread the idea that lust is, indeed, what every man struggles with. 

And people do believe it in large numbers. 62% of women and 73% of men currently believe that lust is every man’s battle. 

When we did our survey of 20,000 women, we found that this belief caused marital and sexual satisfaction to tank. It drastically lowered women’s libido. It made it more likely she would have sex only because she felt she had to. It made it less likely she’d get aroused. She was less likely to trust her husband. And so on and so on.

But we still had a question: is it actually true? Is lust every man’s battle?

I remember having a conversation with a big-name author explaining our findings, and how the idea that lust is every man’s battle hurts women. And his response was that, even though it did hurt women, we need to keep telling women, because it’s just the way men are. 

And that’s the attitude of so many in Christendom: This is the way men are. After all, Every Man’s Battle says of men’s propensity for sexual sin, “we got there naturally, simply by being male.” In Every Heart Restored, part of the Every Man’s Battle series, the authors write, “Men just don’t have that Christian view of sex.”

So God made men to objectify women. That’s what male sexuality is.

We have never believed that. We have always felt that this is a distortion, and that all men do not actually lust. 

And so, when it came time to survey men for our new book The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex, we decided to do a deep dive into lust. 

In February and March, we’re doing a “number of the day” series, where I share a piece of our research with you. And today, I have a new number–that I’m going to explain. And it will blow your mind.

So we asked men, “do you have a daily struggle with lust?” And how many men said yes?

%

With a Caveat!

Okay, so 75.5% of men say they struggle with lust. That’s a lot, but it’s not every man. 

But we still had a question: What do these men mean by “lust”?

You see, we have a theory that most men think they’re struggling with lust when they’re not actually lusting. As I’ve written before, noticing is not lusting. Lusting is a deliberate action (setting your eyes on a woman) paired with a deliberate mindset (imagining a woman in a specific scenario; choosing to linger on her body and think about her body and objectify her).

Seeing a woman has cleavage and thinking that cleavage is nice is not lusting.Noticing a woman has a nice body is not lusting.Appreciating how beautiful a woman is is not lusting.

So we decided to test this. We asked men about a series of scenarios that we took straight from evangelicalism’s best-sellers–For Women Only and Every Man’s Battle. We gave men the waitress scenario that Shaunti Feldhahn talks about in For Women Only–how men will have issues thinking about the waitress  that serves them on a date night. We asked them about the scenarios from Every Man’s Battle, like what happens if you’re in the grocery store parking lot and a woman bends over to get her toddler out of a car seat (yes, in Every Man’s Battle they actually said this would trigger lust).

And for each scenario we gave several options that men might do–some that weren’t lust, like noticing she’s got a nice figure, being surprised at how good looking someone is, wanting to keep looking, etc., and some that are lusting, like staring at her body and thinking about her body; saving a mental picture for later; all the way down to masturbating in your car. Every Man’s Battle presented masturbating in one’s car as a normal occurrence; only one man out of 3000 clicked it, and we think it was a misclick given his answers on other questions.

In fact, if you look at the answers that men gave, the vast majority do not lust in any of the scenarios given.

%

So 70% of the men who say they struggle with lust show no signs of lusting.

But what about porn? Maybe the reason that guys say they struggle with lust is really about a struggle with porn?  

Well, of the guys who say they struggle with lust, 55% of them don’t have a problem with porn AND don’t lust in any of our scenarios.

Now, it’s a little more complicated than that, because 40% do say that they have intrusive thoughts of women’s bodies–but not 82% the way that Shaunti Feldhahn claims.

Many men think they are lusting when they merely have a sex drive.

Think about this: If a woman watches a Marvel movie, and says, “Captain America is hot!”, we don’t think twice about it. But if a guy says, “Black Widow is hot!”, we think he’s lusting.

We’ve talked so much about how men are visual and can’t help it, while at the same time denying that women even have any visual nature, that we have such double standards. And nothing is based in reality.

So here’s the reality: both men and women are visual, though women have more arousal non-concordance and the visual doesn’t register as much.

But by telling teen boys that having a sexual thought about a woman is lusting, we have raised men to feel helpless. They can’t help but notice, so they feel that they’re lusting. And so the only solution is for women to cover up, and then, once you’re married, for women to become “methadone” (as Every Man’s Battle calls us) so that men can withstand lust better.

It’s all misunderstanding of what lust is. It keeps men trapped, and women trapped.

Listen in to tomorrow’s podcast to hear more of our findings on lust, and check out our chapters on lust and porn in The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex to go into detail on our findings. But for today, please remember:

TL;DR–We have made men paranoid of their sexuality, so they think they’re sinning when they’re not.

Lust is not every man’s battle. Noticing is not lusting. Many men who think they’re lusting are actually just noticing that women are beautiful. And men are actually quite capable of treating women with respect–and indeed, most men actually do.

The All New Guides to Great Sex!Available now! Imagine building a great sex life--from the ground up!

What would it look like to build a picture of sex that was MUTUAL, INTIMATE, and PLEASURABLE FOR BOTH--with no harmful messages?

Welcome to the The Good Guy's Guide to Great Sex and the ALL NEW Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex. Get them NOW!

And let's make these the go-to wedding shower gifts!

Order Now

Why do you think the idea that lust is “every man’s battle” has caught on so much? What do you think that’s done to men–and women? Let’s talk in the comments!

The Number of the Day SeriesHow Many Men Think They Do Enough Foreplay Even if She Doesn't Orgasm? How Many Elements are in the Sexual Response Cycle?What Percentage of Women Orgasm--but Don't Have Close Marriages? (coming soon)How Many Men Believe the Obligation Sex Message? (and what effect does this have on other areas of their marriage?)Can the Way We Do the Honeymoon Increase the Rate of Vaginismus?The Orgasm Gap and the Real Reason Women Don't Want Sex (The "Let's go to dinner" saga)Is Lust REALLY Every Man's Battle? How Many Men Are Upset about their Wives' Lack of Adventure? (and what does that mean?) (coming soon)How Many Men Watch Porn? (And what are the effects?) (coming soon)

Plus Order The Good Guy's Guide to Great Sex and The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex (for all of our findings!)

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila is determined to help Christians find BIBLICAL, HEALTHY, EVIDENCE-BASED help for their marriage. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts PODCAST: What Are We Not Telling Couples About Waiting for the Wedding for Sex?

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The post The Post That Will Help Men Defeat Lust appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

These Books Would Have Changed Our Lives

If we had had these Great Sex Guides before we got married, there would be no Great Sex Rescue.

No To Love, Honor and Vacuum blog. No Bare Marriage podcast.

Why? Because we wouldn’t have had years of pain that we had to untangle from, so I wouldn’t have started writing. In 2012, I wouldn’t have wanted to write the original Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex as the “anti” Act of Marriage, the opposite of the book that had scarred me so deeply before we got married.

I guess the lesson is that God uses our pain and redeems it, which is good.

But let me tell you–I believe that these books will PREVENT that pain in so many other couples!

Before I was married, I was excited about sex.

I didn’t have hang-ups. I was pretty well educated on sex and body parts and what was going to happen. But when I read The Act of Marriage, it was like a switch went off in my body and everything changed. Keith says he actually saw it at our wedding reception–the moment panic struck. And it was because, in that book, my agency was taken away. I was told that sex was now my duty, and I had to do it for Keith or he couldn’t feel loved.

And I felt so empty and scared.

After doing our survey of 20,000 women, I know that that set me on the road to vaginismus (which evangelical women suffer from at twice the rate of the general population), and set us up for years of hurt.

So I wrote the original Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, to help women relax.

To help women realize that sex was for them too! To help women feel like they were important.

But over the years, as we’ve surveyed 25,000 people and listened to thousands of comments, I knew it was time for a rewrite. So I begged Zondervan to let me. They didn’t pay me a cent. This was a huge part of my last year, and I didn’t get paid anything for it–and the old version was still selling well! But I wanted couples to start as well as possible.

And Keith and I wrote The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex from scratch–and I totally love that book!

These books need to become the go-to books at wedding showers! 

They need to become the books we use in premarital counseling (and there are questions in the back of the books that couples can use premaritally too, as well as questions for couples who are already married).

Seriously–if all new couples got these books, instead of the others, we could make The Great Sex Rescue obsolete. 

We could save couples the pain that I went through–and that you may have as well.

Sex is wonderful, but the way we’ve talked about it is not. We can change that. 

The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex and The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex have all the sex ed couples need to know–how the reproductive system works, a huge glossary, how sex actually works, and, of course, the sexual response cycle!

But we don’t stop there. We also talk about how to grow your friendship and emotional connection in the bedroom, and how to feel intimate, like you’re one. We tackle porn use, dissociation, fantasy, and trauma, and how those can be dealt with. We tackle navigating libido differences without myths, but with research. And we even tackle mental load!

If you’ve never figured out the physical side of sex, these are awesome books to get you started in the right direction. And these make amazing gifts for any couple about to marry. 

Today is launch day.

It would tickle me pink if we sold a bunch today and showed the publisher these are books worth investing in! And it would make me even happier to know that thousands of couples are getting the help they deserve. 

The All New Guides to Great Sex!Available now! Imagine building a great sex life--from the ground up!

What would it look like to build a picture of sex that was MUTUAL, INTIMATE, and PLEASURABLE FOR BOTH--with no harmful messages?

Welcome to the The Good Guy's Guide to Great Sex and the ALL NEW Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex. Get them NOW!

And let's make these the go-to wedding shower gifts!

Order Now

Thanks for being with me on this journey. It’s been a long two years as we’ve written three books–with a fourth almost done (our mother-daughter book). But I love hearing the feedback from the launch team about how these books are helping already!

Get the books here!

How bad was your pre-marital advice regarding sex? How can we do this better? Let’s talk in the comments!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila is determined to help Christians find BIBLICAL, HEALTHY, EVIDENCE-BASED help for their marriage. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts The Uncomfortable Truth about Waiting until You’re Married for Sex

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The “Let’s Go to Dinner” Saga–and Why Women May Not Want Sex

Can we please change the way we talk about women not wanting to have sex?

I’ve seen a few videos on TikTok lately where Christian men bemoan the fact that women stop wanting sex once they get married, and call this “emotional damage.”

I do agree that if a spouse withholds sex for no reason other than laziness or selfishness that this is very harmful.

However, that is simply not what is going on in the vast majority of Christian marriages, and that’s why we need to change the conversation. 

Tomorrow is launch day for The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex and the ALL NEW Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex.

I’m so excited to be able to bring these books to you! And one of the big, big things we wanted to stress in both of the books is that sex needs to be just as much for women as it is for men. So women, it’s okay to want to experience pleasure! It’s okay to say, “I’m feeling used right now and we need to figure this out so sex is about intimacy.”

And guys, it’s important to make sure that she has something to look forward to! And you can learn to be your wife’s hero in the bedroom.

But to do that, we have to stop seeing sex as a one-sided entitlement for men and an obligation for women. 

One of the ways we bring this home in the books is in the “Going out to Dinner” analogy.

Keith and I tell the story in this video:

 

And here’s how we described it in The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex (it’s in both books!):

From The Good Guy's Guide to Great Sex: The “Let’s Go to Dinner” Saga

Let’s do a mental exercise to help understand what this orgasm gap feels like from a woman’s perspective. Imagine a world where what women need to feel loved is to go out to eat at a restaurant at least once a week, where you talk and enjoy a delicious meal. This is the pinnacle of marriage to her.

Picture a couple, Tracey and Doug, who tries to live by this. One Tuesday night our intrepid couple heads to a restaurant. They order appetizers, a main course, and a dessert.

The waitress arrives with Tracey’s appetizer—a steaming bowl of cheese and broccoli soup. Tracey finishes it and declares it deli- cious. But nothing comes for Doug. Then Tracey’s steak arrives. Doug’s still wondering where his appetizer is, but Tracey starts slathering the butter and sour cream onto the baked potato and takes a bite of the steak with peppercorn sauce and asparagus. She declares it scrumptious.

Now Tracey is finished with her steak, and the waitress heads toward the couple again. In front of Tracey she places a steaming, luscious molten lava cake. Tracey squeals in delight as she scoops some out. Just as she’s down to the last few spoonfuls, the waitress finally arrives with Doug’s chicken wing appetizer. Doug’s ecstatic, and he digs in, eating one quickly, and then another. But before he can get to his third one, Tracey stands up, ready to go home. “Dinner was amazing,” she declares as she heads for the door. He follows behind her, glancing at the uneaten chicken wings still on his plate, while Tracey says, “I love doing this with you!”

Imagine that Doug and Tracey faithfully do this every week for ten years.

How do you think Doug will feel about eating at restaurants?

The sad reality is that for too many women, that is exactly what sex is like, year after year after year. What would happen if instead of accepting a woman’s lack of orgasm as normal, we considered it a vital part of sex? What would happen if, when we got married, we focused first and foremost on helping her feel comfortable, experience arousal, and reach orgasm, rather than simply having intercourse with her?When it comes to couples’ satisfaction with sex in marriage, the orgasm gap tells the majority of the story. If you think of her orgasm as secondary, then when she takes a longer time to reach orgasm than you do, she will feel self-conscious, like she’s imposing.

When she needs something beyond what you need to orgasm, she will feel something is wrong with her, like she is broken. If your orgasm is the standard, then when it isn’t happening for her, she will tend to internalize the problem and blame herself for it. And the worst part is that this will make orgasm even more difficult for her. If, instead, you both believed that sex wasn’t really sex unless you both enjoyed it, then her lack of enjoyment wouldn’t be her problem, it would be your challenge to work through together.

The orgasm gap DOES tell a lot of this story.

Leading up to the release of The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex and the Good Girl’s Guide, we’ve been doing a number of the day, where I talk about one of our big findings. I’ve talked about this one for a long time, but it’s worth reiterating again. 

The orgasm gap between men and women in the evangelical world is:

There’s a 47 point gap, because 95% of men almost always/always reach orgasm, compared with just over 48% of women. 

That’s a big gap.

And that’s why we need to talk about women’s lack of libido better. 

Yes, it’s multifaceted. Yes, it helps to understand that a responsive desire does not mean that you don’t want sex, and women (and men with responsive libidos) need to be encouraged to jump in more (we do that in both books!). 

Yes, it’s not only about orgasm, but also about emotional connection, and we encourage couples to work on that too, and to understand that frequency flows from emotional safety and emotional connection.

And yes, sometimes lack of responsiveness has nothing to do with the husband and everything to do with her own history, like sexual trauma, but also the messages that she grew up in church hearing about sex that erased her as a person and made her feel used.

But again, we found that when women:

orgasm frequentlyhave high marital satisfactionfeel emotionally close during sexhave a marriage free of porn usehave a marriage free of sexual dysfunction

then frequency tends to take care of itself. 

That doesn’t mean that things will be perfect, or that it’s always his fault, or that there aren’t exceptions.

But when we’re looking at a HUGE 47 point gap, and when we’re looking at 50% of married evangelical men currently watching porn to some extent, then perhaps we should stop with the TikTok videos about selfish women not wanting sex, and we should stop with Gary Thomas and others like him telling women to have sex the way they see eating their vegetables or feeding newborn babies, and we should start asking–how did sex get to be so distasteful for women? 

We need to see lack of frequency as the symptom, not the problem. 

I mean, sex is supposed to be awesome, right? We’re always talking about how sex is this amazing gift from God.

Well, chocolate cake is amazing. And you know what? Women don’t have to be convinced to eat chocolate cake. Most of us have to talk ourselves out of eating too much of it. 

Do men really think women would willingly deprive ourselves of something that amazing just to be selfish and stick it to our husbands? Or could there be some thought that perhaps things haven’t gone the way they’re supposed to.

Just picture Dan in that restaurant scenario. 

He’s been told his whole life that Tracey really, really needs to go to restaurants. He’s been told that he doesn’t actually have a need to eat at restaurants, that his need is just to enjoy being there with Tracey. He’s been told that while Tracey gets a lot of the food, all  he really needs is the conversation and the emotional connection. He’s been told that Tracey will feel badly if she thinks that he doesn’t enjoy it, so he should make a fuss over how much it looks like Tracey is enjoying her meal, and let her know how happy he is that she’s enjoying it that much.

Seriously, would you want to be Dan, or would you want to be Tracey?

This is what we’ve done to women. This is what has ruined couples’ sex lives. And it isn’t going to get better until we connect the dots. 

I think the church is ready for a new conversation about sex. 

I think the church is ready for a conversation that doesn’t just blame Tracey, but that invites both Tracey and Doug to learn what sex was meant to be, and experience it to the fullest.

That’s what these books do, and I’m so excited to launch them tomorrow!

The All New Guides to Great Sex!Launch March 15! Imagine building a great sex life--from the ground up!

What would it look like to build a picture of sex that was MUTUAL, INTIMATE, and PLEASURABLE FOR BOTH--with no harmful messages?

Welcome to the The Good Guy's Guide to Great Sex and the ALL NEW Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex. Pre-Order Now! (Helps us out a ton)

And if you email your receipt, we'll send you a special pre-order BONUS

Pre-Order Now Email Us Your Receipt

What do you think of our “let’s go to dinner” analogy? Are there other aspects of it that I’ve missed? Let’s talk in the comments!

The Number of the Day SeriesHow Many Men Think They Do Enough Foreplay Even if She Doesn't Orgasm? How Many Elements are in the Sexual Response Cycle?What Percentage of Women Orgasm--but Don't Have Close Marriages? (coming soon)How Many Men Believe the Obligation Sex Message? (and what effect does this have on other areas of their marriage?)Can the Way We Do the Honeymoon Increase the Rate of Vaginismus?The Orgasm Gap and the Real Reason Women Don't Want Sex (The "Let's go to dinner" saga)How Many Men Are Upset about their Wives' Lack of Adventure? (and what does that mean?) (coming soon)How Many Men Watch Porn? (And what are the effects?) (coming soon)Is Lust REALLY Every Man's Battle? (coming soon)

Plus Pre-Order The Good Guy's Guide to Great Sex and The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex (they launch March 15!)

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila is determined to help Christians find BIBLICAL, HEALTHY, EVIDENCE-BASED help for their marriage. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts Is Someone Stepping on Your Air Hose?

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The post The “Let’s Go to Dinner” Saga–and Why Women May Not Want Sex appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

On Vipers in Diapers, Emotional Enmeshment, and Toxic Churches

Dads shouldn’t need their adult daughters to give them adulation and affection.

That’s called emotional enmeshment and triangulation, and yet that’s what Voddie Baucham, who has been nominated for President of the Southern Baptist Convention (he may not actually run) believes.

On Fridays I like to share what’s been happening on social media, and this has been a busy week with a TON of comments coming in. It all started when I shared this Fixed it For You about Baucham:

Yes, there really are people who say creepy things like this who are actually high up in huge denominations.
.
It’s not just fringe people who think this way.

Voddie Baucham is a proponent of the “stay at home daughters” movement, meaning that daughters are under their father’s authority until they marry, when they come under their husband’s authority. So daughters shouldn’t be educated or work really, but should instead serve the father and then the husband.

And he honestly said this in a now-deleted video (that was talked about at length online at the time).

He’s called babies “a viper in a diaper” and has made headlines for talking about spanking kids “5 times before breakfast.”

And he is in the running for SBC President–President of the largest Protestant denomination in the United States.

My friends, we have to do better than this. Please.

I was surprised at how many people pushed back and said that this really wasn’t that bad, and he didn’t mean anything sexual by it. In the context of the original audio (it starts around 30 minutes in), he was saying that we distort love and make it into lust (which is true), but then he does have this bizarre part where:

Men leave their wives for younger womenWhat they’re really looking for in younger women is affection and adulation that a daughter can giveAnd so what these men are doing when they have affairs is looking for daughter substitutes

There is absolutely no context in which that accurately describes a healthy relationship. This is called emotional enmeshment and triangulation–and the comments were quite interesting!

See it on Facebook Let’s revisit the spanking debate and “vipers in diapers”

Ironically, if people hadn’t defended Voddie so vigorously I would not have looked more into what he said about parenting. But I found some very disturbing things, and so thought we should look at the spanking issue again.

This one got a ton of engagement, and I may revisit it on a podcast sometime, because we do need to deal with the idea that “I’m fine and I was spanked” does not actually outweigh the evidence from a meta-analysis of 160,000 children. And we need to revisit the difference between anecdotal evidence and large scale academic studies.

But regardless, I wrote this, while sharing my post about what the research says about spanking, and why Christians need to stop talking about disciplining babies:

Are kids just “vipers in diapers” who may need to be spanked 5 times before breakfast? Do kids desperately need to be spanked, and spanked often?

Voddie Baucham would say yes, and there’s been quite the debate in the comments about this since last night.

Mamas, I know so many of you just want to do right by your children. And you’ve grown up in churches that have told you that God wants you to spank your kids and break their rebellious spirit, and if you don’t, they won’t know God. Their salvation is at stake.

And I hear your heart and I know you want to do what’s right.

But please hear me on this: The Bible does not tell us to spank babies or toddlers or our children. It just doesn’t. It’s a misinterpretation of the Hebrew from a few verses, where the word for “child” there means more like teenager, and certainly not a toddler; and it’s not about spanking but about a metaphor for discipline.

And research? It shows that spanking either has neutral or negative outcomes, but not positive ones. Other parenting techniques have much better outcomes, without the risk and harm.

Your children do not need to be scared of you. And you do not need to hurt them. You can discipline them and correct them and guide them in far more effective and emotionally healthy ways.

Here’s a post where we elaborate on that a bit. Parents, we can stop this negative cycle for the next generation. We can do better

Sheila Gregoire

Facebook

See the comments on Facebook Is God calling you out of a toxic church?

Julie Roys wrote a very important investigative report this week about an incident at John MacArthur’s Grace Community Church, where a woman came to ask for help because her husband was severely abusing her and the kids, and they instead told her she had no biblical reason to be angry (let alone separate or divorce); that she must forgive; and that she must submit more.

She got a restraining order instead, and the church put her under discipline, and twice in the service of 8000 people John MacArthur named her and told the congregation that they must treat her as an unbeliever.

Her husband is now serving a decades-long sentence for multiple counts of child abuse and sexual abuse of a minor.

I shared Julie’s post with this:

 

A woman went to John MacArthur’s church for help because her husband was violently abusing the children and her–and she was told she had no biblical reason to be angry; she was told she had to submit more; and she was put under church discipline when she got a restraining order and separated. And he announced this in front of their 8,000 member congregation–that she should be treated as an unbeliever.

Her husband is now in jail on multiple charges, including sexual offence of minors and child abuse.

They knew that he abused her and the kids. And they said she had no biblical reason to leave.

Thank you, Julie Roys, for this in-depth article. It’s so needed.

But I want to say something else today.

Some of you are in churches like John MacArthur’s, and you agree that this terrible. You’re remaining in that church because you’re hoping you can change it.

I get it. Ten years ago that was me too. I thought I could be part of the change.

For some of you, that may be true.

But remember: By attending that church, you are giving your money and your seal of approval to that church. If you are a healthy, safe person, and other people in your community see that you go to that church, they will think, “that is a church where healthy, safe people go.” And they may start to go to that church.

What happens if the youth group gives their sons Every Young Man’s Battle? If the premarital counseling gives them Love & Respect? If they host a Love & Respect conference?

If they go for counseling for abuse, and they’re told that they need to submit more?

Are you using your money, your volunteer time, your good name to support a church that is actually harming people? What if the best way to change it is to leave?

I don’t know if that is the message that God has for you today. Some of us are called to stay. But I believe that more and more of us are called to leave.

What would happen if the healthy people got together and joined healthy churches (and there are many out there!) Churches where they did not blame women for their own abuse. Churches that protected the vulnerable. Churches that did not teach toxic things to teens. Imagine how if all of us at unhealthy churches banded together in healthy ones–those churches would be HUGE! And the unhealthy ones would shrink and lose their influence.

This story is horrific. Please read it. Please sit with it. And know that I hear stories like this EVERY SINGLE DAY. We have to do better. And I believe that may only come when enough of us say, “Stop.”

Sheila Gregoire

Facebook

See the comments on Facebook The Good Guy’s Guide and The Good Girl’s Guides launch on Tuesday!

I’m so excited that these books will soon be able to be in your hands! And I shared one of my favourite quotes from The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex:

The All New Guides to Great Sex!Launch March 15! Imagine building a great sex life--from the ground up!

What would it look like to build a picture of sex that was MUTUAL, INTIMATE, and PLEASURABLE FOR BOTH--with no harmful messages?

Welcome to the The Good Guy's Guide to Great Sex and the ALL NEW Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex. Pre-Order Now! (Helps us out a ton)

And if you email your receipt, we'll send you a special pre-order BONUS

Pre-Order Now Email Us Your Receipt Does your body tell the story of your sexual self?

So often we get angry at our bodies for not responding sexually the way we want them to, or for not having a libido.

But what if your body has actually been doing its job–and has been protecting you? What if your body’s reaction to sex is a signal about the messages you’ve been told about sex? 

I recorded this live on Instagram that I really like, and that is super important, and I’ll likely turn it into a post sometime. But I know it will help some of you and this is what some of you need to hear today!

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Sheila Gregoire (@sheilagregoire)

See it on Instagram That’s all for this week!

Make sure to follow me on Instagram so you don’t miss an Instagram live. And may we all start talking about the route to emotionally healthy relationships more, even if it means letting go of some of our sacred cows (like spanking). As I wrote this week, may we talk better about why we wait for the wedding night. May we not be afraid of what academic studies show us, because Truth will never point us away from God. It only reveals more. And the picture that I am seeing of a God who loves us and nurtures us and cares for us is really quite beautiful.

Any thoughts on the spanking debate? On how to choose when to leave a church? On how our bodies tell our stories? Let’s talk in the comments!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila is determined to help Christians find BIBLICAL, HEALTHY, EVIDENCE-BASED help for their marriage. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts Can Sex Be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?

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The post On Vipers in Diapers, Emotional Enmeshment, and Toxic Churches appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

PODCAST: What Are We Not Telling Couples About Waiting for the Wedding for Sex?

We’ve got some uncomfortable truths about waiting until marriage for sex for you today!

Yesterday on the blog I was talking about the increased rate of vaginismus among couples who wait for the wedding–and what we should do about that.

That’s a large part of the honeymoon chapters in our new books The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex and The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex–which launch on Tuesday (YAY!)

But we’ve got another uncomfortable truth to add to it in today’s podcast, so listen in!

Listen to the Podcast Here

Browse all the Different Podcasts

See the Last “Start Your Engines” (Men’s) Podcast

Or, as always, you can watch on YouTube:

Timeline of the Podcast

2:30 Some clarifying beliefs
4:35 “Wait for marriage so that sex will be hot!”
9:45 Why are rates of vaginismus on the honeymoon higher for this group?
21:20 Saving sex for marriage is not an arbitrary rule
25:45 “My wife doesn’t want sex now that we’re married!”
36:30 Some reassurance
39:45 Reader Questions with Keith
59:30 Encouragement!

Main Segment: Sex Isn’t Always Better if You Wait Until Marriage

And we need to stop threatening and bribing people into waiting, and instead talk with nuance about why waiting is good to do.

Rebecca and I tackled two of the uncomfortable truths about waiting:

1. If you wait, you have a 25% higher chance of vaginismus

But even aside from sexual pain, sex may simply not be that great because of the way we’re doing the honeymoon and the wedding night. We’re ignoring the natural progression and the sexual response cycle, and we’re imposing duty and awkwardness onto sex instead (you have to perform now).

And for many couples, it just doesn’t work well!

2. Many couples find that sex was better BEFORE they were married

We’ve also had so many men especially say that their wives were all over them before the wedding, but that all stopped once the wedding was over. And women who say that they lost their libidos afterwards.

We go into why (there are a few different scenarios that may be going on here).

But we also do an impassioned plea for couples who wanted to wait but didn’t to not feel as if God is judging them and punishing them now. You’re allowed to enjoy your marriage!

Can we please stop with the “Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?”

Keith joined me to talk about how this saying is problematic. Even if it’s empirically true (if single women went on a sex strike, more men might commit), is this how we want to portray sex and marriage? That men don’t want commitment, and only marry for sex? Would we even want to marry such a man? And that men want sex and women don’t? Sometimes the way we frame things has great repercussions.

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Check them out in the U.S.! Check them out in Canada! Reader Question: How do we rekindle love when we both feel rejected?

Keith and I also tackled this reader question, which I think many of us can relate to!

My husband is great!! He is a man that was set in his ways before we got married. What do I mean by this? He washed the dark laundry on Wednesday and lights on Sunday. After dinner he always has to wash all the dishes. Every morning he makes the coffee and brings me a cup and we watch the news.
My problem is my love language is physical touch. Not sex, I have a very low sex drive. His is physical touch. We’ve been married 6 years. We both know the others love language but have felt rejected for so long. My husband won’t go out of his way to hug me and give me random kisses because he’s felt rejected. I now feel that the only way to fix this is to some how overcome my feelings of rejection to give him what he needs. I know once I do he will give me what I need. The problem is I don’t know where to start because it’s hard to ignore my rejection. I’m just lost!!!

That’s a common one, and Keith and I had some tips for fighting the drift–many of which are in our two new books!

The All New Guides to Great Sex!Launch March 15! Imagine building a great sex life--from the ground up!

What would it look like to build a picture of sex that was MUTUAL, INTIMATE, and PLEASURABLE FOR BOTH--with no harmful messages?

Welcome to the The Good Guy's Guide to Great Sex and the ALL NEW Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex. Pre-Order Now! (Helps us out a ton)

And if you email your receipt, we'll send you a special pre-order BONUS

Pre-Order Now Email Us Your Receipt Things Mentioned in This Podcast:Our patreon! Suport us for as little as $5 a month and get access to our exclusive Facebook GroupPre-Order our two new books–The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex and the all new Good Girl’s Guide to Great SexThe podcast on the Sexual Response CycleThis week’s post on vaginismus and wedding night sex

What do you think? How can we stop drift? And why is sex sometimes better BEFORE the wedding? Let’s talk in the comments!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila is determined to help Christians find BIBLICAL, HEALTHY, EVIDENCE-BASED help for their marriage. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts Who I WON’T Be Calling Out for Bad Teachings–But I’m Grateful You Are!

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The post PODCAST: What Are We Not Telling Couples About Waiting for the Wedding for Sex? appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

The Uncomfortable Truth about Waiting until You’re Married for Sex

Growing up, we hear, over and over again: “Just wait for the wedding night! The wedding night will the most magical night of your life!”

We get that message from our youth groups; from movies; from bridal magazines.

The honeymoon is the pinnacle of your sexual life together.

Except that it isn’t.

And in the church, we hear that if we wait until we’re married, sex will be even better.

Except that, in many cases, it won’t. At least not if you’re just looking at the physical side of sex.

Leading up the launch of The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex and the all new Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, I’ve been featuring a new  “number of the day.” And today I want to tell you about a number that few youth pastors or pastors want to talk about.

We looked at couples who had only ever had sex with each other (so no other partners), and we controlled for abuse. And then we compared the couples who had had sex before the wedding with those who waited for after the wedding.

And we found that couples who waited for the wedding have an increased chance of getting vaginismus. In fact, the chance is:

 

%

higher. That’s right–they’re 25% more likely to have vaginismus, or primary sexual pain, if they wait.

That’s an uncomfortable number for those of us who want to tell young people to wait for marriage for sex. What on earth is going on? And what should we do instead?

We go into this in detail in both books, in a special Honeymoon chapter at the end of the book for couples who read the books before they’re married (and they make AWESOME bridal shower gifts–though they’re also great for couples who are stuck and want to experience all the passion God designed for them).

But today I want to focus on 3 main insights that we can get from this survey finding.

1. What makes sex great is not the presence of a wedding ring.

Lots of people have great sex before the wedding, and lots of people have terrible sex afterwards.

The reason that we wait is not some sort of prosperity promises from God that our orgasms will be best if we wait until marriage, and everything will be ruined if we don’t. There are very good reasons to wait, but by stressing the “sex will be great if you do!” so much, we often lose track of the real reasons, and we end up bribing people inappropriately instead.

God intended sex for marriage to preserve relationships and families. Babies would be born to couples who were sticking together, and then after the baby was grown, the husband would still care for the wife (since for millennia women couldn’t do so on our own).  Marriage was a form of stability and safety for all.

But it also helped intimacy to blossom. When sex was meant for committed relationships, then sex wouldn’t be debased. Then couples could experience a sense of true intimacy the way that we were meant to.

And it would also help us treat each other well. By waiting, we focus more on emotional intimacy before marriage, so that it’s easier to see red flags without sexual intimacy making us feel closer than we actually are.

Yes, there are good reasons to wait. But we need to talk about these rationally and logically, rather than using either threats or bribes.

2. Waiting until you’re married can make sex super awkward, and contribute to dynamics that lead to vaginismus.

Okay, so why do we have that increased chance of vaginismus? Here’s what a reader said to me on Instagram yesterday when I was talking about this:

Ironically, I was prepared for sex months/years before my wedding, when it would have happened organically. But we waited until marriage. And then on our honeymoon it felt… Expected. Assumed, maybe even coerced. Like, I wasn’t have sex because I was enjoying myself, but because it was now my duty. I was woefully unprepared for THAT feeling. I would have been much better prepared emotionally had it happened naturally instead of under contrived circumstances.

I know what she’s saying.

When couples have sex before the wedding, it tends to be because they got carried away. They were watching a movie, and cuddling, and then making out for a really long time, and then it became a natural progression. 

But when we wait for the wedding, often it’s anything but natural. And we know that when women feel a sense of obligation, vaginismus is far more likely to occur. Combine that with having sex when you’re not aroused, because you’ve ignored the sexual response cycle, and sex can honestly seem bewildering. 

You May Also Enjoy:The Sexual Response Cycle and the ABCs of Arousal PodcastDo You Know the Stages of the Sexual Response Cycle?

 

Having sex when it isn’t a natural progression, but is instead something that you feel like you have to do RIGHT NOW, even though you’re exhausted, and even though you’re not comfortable, can make women freeze up. And then, if it really hurts the first time, that can contribute to a protective response subsequent times.

Sex shouldn’t really hurt. If it does, that’s a sign that you should stop and relax, not keep going! But we have this narrative that sex hurts, and women should just endure it, and that can actually contribute to the whole problem.

But it does not have to be that way!

3. Rethink the honeymoon, and this does not have to be your story!

Sex often works better before the wedding because it’s a natural progression.

So what if, instead of obligation and expectation, we replaced it with natural progression once again?

Here’s what we said in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex (and we said something similar to guys, too!):

 

From The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex:

And here it is: the one piece of advice I most want you to remember if you’re beginning your sexual life together. Think of the natural order for great sex like this:

Too many couples start with step #3: Have intercourse. Starting there can feel uncomfortable, disappointing, and even bewildering. And then feeling comfortable and aroused can be difficult because it’s almost like you’re going backward! But if you can first aim for feeling comfortable, and then learn how your body reaches arousal (and even orgasm) before you start intercourse, you’ll be on great footing for the rest of your marriage.

We can make sex a natural progression, even after the wedding, if we stop thinking we need to “have sex on the wedding night.”

Realize that sex and one-sided intercourse are not the same thing. The key is an intimate sexual relationship, not just intercourse, and if it doesn’t happen all in one night, that’s okay. We need to change the expectation from “I’ve been waiting so long, I deserve it now” to “Now our relationship is blessed and intimate and we get to explore together.” And that’s what you’ll do!

Some people can experience comfort-arousal-intercourse all in one night. And some couples will need several days, or even several weeks, and that’s okay too. Just get comfortable. Have fun!

And remember–the more you let this naturally unfold, the less baggage you’ll have to clean up. Because the number of women we talked to who had been married for ten years, and who had never enjoyed sex, was so sad. If it takes a few more weeks, but then it’s awesome, that’s way better than ten years of terrible sex, where you have to then climb out of the hole you’ve dug where she doesn’t see how sex could possibly be for her.

This is a huge part of both of our new books. 

We want to help new couples get started well, but we also want to help couples who didn’t start well figure out how to go backwards and reclaim real pleasure and passion. And the books launch next week!

Pre-order now and it helps us tremendously–plus you can get access to our Evangelical Sex Report Card, and even join our launch team for instant access, and a chance to get a free book of your choice!

The All New Guides to Great Sex!Launch March 15! Imagine building a great sex life--from the ground up!

What would it look like to build a picture of sex that was MUTUAL, INTIMATE, and PLEASURABLE FOR BOTH--with no harmful messages?

Welcome to the The Good Guy's Guide to Great Sex and the ALL NEW Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex. Pre-Order Now! (Helps us out a ton)

And if you email your receipt, we'll send you a special pre-order BONUS

Pre-Order Now Email Us Your Receipt

How can we talk about this better to prepare couples? How have we gone so far off base? Let’s talk in the comments!

The Number of the Day SeriesHow Many Men Think They Do Enough Foreplay Even if She Doesn't Orgasm? How Many Elements are in the Sexual Response Cycle?What Percentage of Women Orgasm--but Don't Have Close Marriages? (coming soon)How Many Men Believe the Obligation Sex Message? (and what effect does this have on other areas of their marriage?) Can the Way We Do the Honeymoon Increase the Rate of Vaginismus? How Many Men Are Upset about their Wives' Lack of Adventure? (and what does that mean?) (coming soon)How Many Men Watch Porn? (And what are the effects?) (coming soon)Is Lust REALLY Every Man's Battle? (coming soon)

Plus Pre-Order The Good Guy's Guide to Great Sex and The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex (they launch March 15!)

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila is determined to help Christians find BIBLICAL, HEALTHY, EVIDENCE-BASED help for their marriage. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts PODCAST: How Much Sex Have We Rescued? Plus Elizabeth Fisher Good

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The post The Uncomfortable Truth about Waiting until You’re Married for Sex appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Is Someone Stepping on Your Air Hose?

So many women–and many men as well–honestly feel like the church is hurting them.

I do not believe that it is Jesus that is hurting them, but the things that the church teaches, especially around sex and marriage, do cause harm. Our surveys have shown that definitively. Our interpretations of what sex is supposed to be too often leave women feeling erased and used, as if it is God who is telling us, “your needs don’t matter.”

That is such an awful feeling.

I like to give myself Tuesdays to work on big projects, so I don’t like to write big posts. But a comment came in yesterday that I did want to share, because I thought it was really well done.

The context of this was last week’s post, where I was saying that, if women have been hurt by believing bad teachings, or if men have believed those teachings and hurt their wives in return, then a good idea is to take a fast from sex for him and make it entirely about her for a while and go at her pace so she learns to associate sex with something that is for her.

Some were pushing back in the comments, saying that was too much to ask of men.

That’s where commenter Rising Strong piped in:

As I thought about the false and oppressive teachings about marriage and sex that Sheila and her team work tirelessly to combat, the Spirit gave me a word picture. Here goes:

As Christians, we agree that Jesus should be the very air we breathe. We are each connected to Him by our own personal “air hose.” Men and women alike are offered full, free access to His abundantly grace-ridden air when we decide to connect to Him through the Gospel.

But teachings—particularly those about marriage and sex—that reduce women and elevate men are like huge, heavy cement blocks being placed on a woman’s air hose.

Over time, the woman connected to Jesus via the blocked air hose cannot breathe Him in any longer, not His pure flowing air, anyway. She is left gasping.

One day, when enough false teachings have encumbered her air hose and she has simultaneously run her hardest to follow all the rules in order to “better love and connect to Jesus,” she finds herself LIFELESS. She literally cannot go another step or take another breath because nothing is flowing into her air hose. It has become fully compromised by cement block teachings, yet she doesn’t understand what has happened. She doesn’t yet see the cement blocks. They have become her norm.

All she knows is that she has worked so hard to please her husband (ie—“the lord”) in every. possible. way. Why doesn’t she feel free? What’s more, why does she feel as though she continually fails in her marriage?

Somehow, she learns about The Great Sex Rescue and its healthy, balanced, research-based, God-honoring teachings, and slowly but surely, she feels Jesus-air filling her lungs again. She has missed this air so very much. Life begins running through her entire body little by little as she ponders, reflects, and begins to realize what has happened.

She now notices and realizes she needs to work hard to remove the enormously heavy cement blocks, but when she tries to do so, she is called “disobedient,” “selfish,” “disrespectful,” “unsubmissive,” and worse by prominent Christian leaders, authors, and teachers.

People who say they love Jesus just keep replacing the cement blocks she works so hard to remove from her air hose, and they toss on a few (thousand) more for good measure.

When she tells them to stop because these teachings are sucking the very air from her body, they tell her she is asking too much, that she is swinging the pendulum too far, that she can’t possibly love Jesus AND believe this “heresy.” Allowing cement blocks on your air hose is “respecting and serving your husband,” and besides, suffering for Jesus is part of the Christian life.

When she screams in desperation—because she is dying from the inside out—she is called “untrusting,” “faithless,” and even “angry.” If she legitimately becomes angry—and she should given the reality of the oppression sitting on her air hose—she is called a “feminist who has no place for Jesus in her belief system.”

Essentially, she gets beaten down and her air hose is again compromised simply because she is REMOVING CEMENT BLOCKS SO THAT SHE CAN BREATHE MORE FREELY.

Here’s the truth:

Women have God-ordained access to the Gospel and are called to apply it to everything in our lives, including to our marriages.

We are recipients—heirs— of the gift of breathing the free-flowing grace-air of Christ in our individual lives AND in our marriages.

When those around us attempt to put cement blocks on our air hoses, they are interfering with God’s Gospel work in women’s lives.

From this vantage point, if a husband has contributed to robbing his wife of air for any length of time, I daresay him giving up sex long enough to let his wife “refill her lungs” is a minute offering, at the barest minimum.

If fasting temporarily from sex enables his wife to receive the unadulterated love and grace of Christ in her life, then how could any truly loving husband even consider NOT doing it?

Rising Strong

Commenter, How Can Men Fix Their Sex Lives if They've Gone Downhill?

Do you feel like someone is stepping on your air hose?

It’s okay to want to breathe. Jesus came to set the captives free, and that includes you. It does.

In church this past Sunday, the pastor was talking about what I’ll call an upside-down Lent.

Usually for Lent people give up something–chocolate; TV; video games; alcohol. But he was saying that over the last two years we’ve all given up a lot. Maybe this year we need to look at how we can share joy, and reach out to others.

That thought stayed with me and it jived with something I’d already been thinking about for Lent for myself this year: instead of giving up, I want to start caring for myself more. I haven’t been taking good care of myself. I haven’t been doing the stretches I need to do; I haven’t been doing other self-care things I need to do.

And God does love me so much–maybe Lent is a time that I start loving myself too.

Perhaps Lent could be the time that you figure out who, or what, is stepping on your air hose.

Good Friday is coming, and then Easter. There is new life, and rebirth. But perhaps this year God is calling you to an even bigger rebirth. Maybe He’s been nudging you for quite a while that something is hurting you, is holding you back. It could be your family; your church;  your job; your group of friends. In some cases it could even be an abusive marriage. And God wants you to have life and have it abundantly.

I don’t mean giving up responsibilities or living a hedonistic life simply focused on your own pleasure. I mean getting set free to live life as God intended so that you can serve God as He intended. We cannot serve; we cannot do the works that He has prepared for us (Ephesians 2:10), if we are constantly being hurt and minimized and erased by others.

So I invite you in this Lenten season to join with me in caring for yourself better, as God cares for you.

Is someone stepping on your air hose? Is someone chastising you for trying to breathe? That is a sign that that relationship, that church, that group is not healthy.

Maybe take this season to pray about what you will do about that.

Because it’s okay to want to breathe.

At different times in my life I have had someone stepping on my air hose. I eventually needed the courage to stand up and refuse to let them. Have you ever gone through this? Let’s talk in the comments!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila is determined to help Christians find BIBLICAL, HEALTHY, EVIDENCE-BASED help for their marriage. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts A Birthday Present for The Great Sex Rescue!

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The post Is Someone Stepping on Your Air Hose? appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Can Sex Be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?

Can sex be hot and holy at the same time?

One of my big picture passions that I want people to understand is that sex is more than just physical–it’s supposed to be deeply intimate too. And maybe to understand that, we need to take a step back to see what God thinks about sex.

I addressed this a few years ago, but it’s worth talking about again, because this is the major thing I’m talking about in my books that launch on March 15–The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex and The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex.

So let’s jump in!

I received this fascinating question:

I need your help to correct my thinking patterns! I have been doing your 31 Days book and have been reaping benefits already. I am trying very hard to embrace my sexuality and learn that it is good to receive pleasure from my husband. But then, God brought some scripture to mind that seems to…not contradict…but I don’t understand how to embrace my sexuality, while still be this meek and quiet woman of God.

Titus 2:3-5
Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.

To be sexual, I have to release control, not be self-controlled. To be sexual, it seems too desirous, not reverent. To be sexual and to receive pleasure without tensing up and worrying about whether or not I’m being a good little Christ follower…I feel like I have to temporarily forget all I know about who Christ wants me to be. I know I’m missing something. I want to think correctly, but I don’t know how.

Wow.

I thought about how to answer this–how to do a big defense of sex that is both hot and holy.

But the more I looked at it, the more I realized that wasn’t the problem. It wasn’t that she didn’t understand sex; it was that she didn’t understand God. And I think many of my readers are in that same boat.

So let’s look at some theology today (and don’t worry–I promise this won’t be boring!).

Being self-controlled doesn’t mean being in control. It means not letting sin control you.

The Bible talks a lot about control, but I think we misunderstand what is meant by the term “self-control”. We think of someone who is always aware of their surroundings; who is always proper; who isn’t carried away by emotion or passion, but instead is calm and logical.

We think that to be self-controlled means to be in control.

But it doesn’t.

Who is supposed to be in control of our lives? It certainly isn’t US. It’s God. That’s what it means to walk in the Spirit–that God is in control.

When the Bible talks about self-control, it’s not asking us to be in control; it’s asking us to not let other things be in control.

Here’s another verse on self-control from the same chapter above:

For the grace of God has appeared that offers salvation to all people. It teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age.

Titus 2:11-12

NIV

So to be self-controlled is to say no to ungodliness and worldly passions–or the passions that consume us and take us away from God.

Here’s another way to look at the same thing, from Ephesians 5:18:

Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit.

So instead of letting wine control us, we’re to let the Spirit control us. That is what being self-controlled means–that we live a life led by the Spirit. To try to be in control by ourselves is actually the opposite of what God wants, and He has another term for that: living by the flesh. Romans 7 and 8 are great chapters for seeing the difference between the two–Romans 7 is all effort; Romans 8 is all life by the Spirit.

You May Also Enjoy:Vulnerability: The key to passionWhy Being a Control Freak in the Bedroom Doesn’t Work! And so let’s look at some opposites today–what words and phrases characterize a life led by the Spirit vs. what it means to live a life led by the Flesh.

Obviously this is the “grace vs. works” dilemma, but I don’t want to use those words, because most of us are used to that debate. I want, instead, to look at new phrases that would fall under each category, and see how this impacts our view of God–and ultimately our view of sex.

Life in the SpiritPassionKnowing GodPursuing GodHaving God’s VisionLiving in the MomentIn Awe at the Beauty of all of Creation–even our bodiesWorship and IntimacyGazing Up at GodPurity as a Matter of the HeartBeing Missional Matters“He’s not a tame lion, you know”Faith is MessyValuing Extravagant LoveLove is over all Life in the FleshEffortUnderstanding GodPleasing GodMaking Detailed PlansBeing Constantly DisciplinedTaking Satisfaction in Doing Things God’s WayOrderly and UnderstandableLooking Down to the Tasks at HandPurity as a Matter of the BodyBeing Proper MattersGod wants us to follow specific rulesFaith is QuantifiableValuing Being RightTruth is over all

If I could sum it up, I would do so with John 10:10:

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it abundantly.

John 10:10

Here’s the clincher: when we believe that the thing that God wants for us most is discipline, we will miss out on great sex.

But we will also miss out on intimacy with God!

I am not saying that the things in column 2 are wrong, by the way. Truth is good (Jesus, after all, is the Way, the Truth, and the Life). Discipline is good. Pleasing God is certainly good.

But these things must all be done in the light of column 1.

We cannot truly pursue God without also wanting to please Him; but many people are trying to please God without actually pursuing Him. They’re trying to live a life of rules without any relationship at all.

Do you see the distinction?

That’s why when you see verses like the ones this woman quoted that would naturally fall under column 2, we must read them in the light of column 1. It’s not that they don’t matter; it’s just that they must be viewed through the lens of an extravagant love for God and God’s extravagant love for us.

My heart is hurting today because I truly believe that this is the root of what is holding back so many marriages from greatness–a profound misunderstanding of God. We think that what God wants is for us to be proper and right. But what God wants is for us to be totally sold out for Jesus! And that’s going to be scary, and it’s going to be a leap of faith, and it’s going to mean you’re not in control. But boy is it fun!

Now let’s get back to sex for a moment.

Think about a few of those words from column 1:

Passion. Revelling in the Moment. In Awe at the Beauty of Creation. Intimacy.

You know what that sounds like to me? An orgasm. Seriously. If God made sex partly to reflect his relationship with us, then that orgasm is the height of being out of control; of being truly intimate; of becoming one with someone else; of revelling in relationship. That’s the picture of what our life with Christ is to be! Too many Christian traditions have focused so much on living a life of rules that we’ve missed the boat. We’ve focused on trying to understand God and trying to be the one denomination that is totally “right” that we’ve missed how to KNOW God.

And if you don’t understand how to have real intimacy with God, it’s very unlikely that you’ll be able to let go enough to have great sex with your spouse.And this is my main message in both The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex and The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex!

Hot and Holy Sex

In both books, I have a whole chapter on how God made sex to be both hot and holy–and how being “hot” is actually very pure in God’s eyes! If this just doesn’t compute for you, please pick up the books. Don’t let yourself be stuck without really understanding how stupendous God wants sex to be in your marriage.

The All New Guides to Great Sex!Launch March 15! Imagine building a great sex life--from the ground up!

What would it look like to build a picture of sex that was MUTUAL, INTIMATE, and PLEASURABLE FOR BOTH--with no harmful messages?

Welcome to the The Good Guy's Guide to Great Sex and the ALL NEW Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex. Pre-Order Now! (Helps us out a ton)

And if you email your receipt, we'll send you a special pre-order BONUS

Pre-Order Now Email Us Your Receipt This struggle with hot and holy can look different for men and women.

I’ve written before about how being a control freak won’t work in the bedroom, but it goes so much further than that today: The way we view intimacy with God and the way we view intimacy with our spouses is so inextricably linked.

God isn’t understandable. Jesus isn’t a tame lion, as C.S. Lewis said. He doesn’t want us living a nice, orderly life with rules. He wants us taking that leap of faith and walking out on the water! He wants us knowing His vision, but not necessarily His plans. He wants trust, and faith, and intimacy, not rules and discipline and head knowledge. The Pharisees had the rules and discipline and head knowledge, and Jesus came to show them they were wrong. And yet we have replaced our own version of it, especially within marriage, with demands for authority and rules and discipline and gentleness in a way the Bible never intended.

I think this is the thing that women often struggle with, though men can too.

And guys? They often struggle with vulnerability when it comes to sex.

The physical side tends to come easy for men with sex, and it’s really easy to replace emotional and spiritual intimacy with physical intimacy. The physical can mask any distance that we feel in other areas of our relationship, and we can push the physical so much that we actually end up further apart.

How do we do that?

We channel our emotional needs into sex, rather than making sex the culmination of our emotional connection.

And we do that because at heart we’re afraid of vulnerability. We’re afraid to really open up. So while women try to be proper to stay in control, men can often just focus on the physical to stay in control. And in both cases, you miss out on this real closeness that God wants for you–a closeness where you do lose control with your spouse not because of orgasm, but because of connection. And then the orgasm flows from that.

Women can also struggle in this direction, but guys tend to be more prone to it.

And then our books on sex focus so much on technique and orgasm that we forget that it’s actually emotional connection that is the biggest fuel for desire. We found that when couples feel emotionally and spiritually connected, they’re much more likely to be satisfied with the amount of adventure in the bedroom. They’re not seeking to make sex “hotter” by pushing boundaries, as much as sex becomes hotter because they’re real with each other. All the pretences are gone. 

Let me end with an Old Testament story that speaks to this.

The ark of the covenant (the most holy piece of furniture that lived in the temple, where God’s spirit literally dwelt before Jesus came and gave us the Holy Spirit) had been captured, and wasn’t in Jerusalem anymore. David decided to bring it back to the temple, and he did so with great fanfare–parades and worship. Here’s 2 Samuel 6:13-16, talking about what happened when David’s wife Michal saw this:

When those who were carrying the ark of the Lord had taken six steps, he sacrificed a bull and a fattened calf. Wearing a linen ephod, David was dancing before the Lord with all his might, while he and all Israel were bringing up the ark of the Lord with shouts and the sound of trumpets. As the ark of the Lord was entering the City of David, Michal daughter of Saul watched from a window. And when she saw King David leaping and dancing before the Lord, she despised him in her heart.

Afterwards David had a talk with his wife, and he said this (verses 21 and 22):

David said to Michal, “It was before the Lord, who chose me rather than your father or anyone from his house when he appointed me ruler over the Lord’s people Israel—I will celebrate before the Lord. I will become even more undignified than this, and I will be humiliated in my own eyes.

To follow God is not dignified. And marriage–the act of marriage–is not dignified. And that’s okay. 

Let me suggest that if you can’t be undignified before God in worship (at least in private), AND/OR you have a hard time being undignified with your spouse about the deepest things that you’re thinking, then you will have a very hard time being undignified in the bedroom.

So let’s get a different view of God. It’s not about being right. It’s not about being proper. It’s not about keeping a safe distance. It’s about living a life in the Spirit, and that’s not controllable.

When we let go of the need to be proper, and we allow ourselves to be emotionally vulnerable in every way with our spouse, then real passion can flow.

Let me know in the comments: Do you get what I’m saying? Have you struggled with this in your church or your marriage? How did you resolve it? I’d love to chat about this more, because I really believe that THIS is the root of so many problems. Let’s help each other!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila is determined to help Christians find BIBLICAL, HEALTHY, EVIDENCE-BASED help for their marriage. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts Who Believed the Toxic Sex Teachings More: Husband or Wife?

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Who I WON’T Be Calling Out for Bad Teachings–But I’m Grateful You Are!

This week, as we’ve celebrated one year of The Great Sex Rescue, I’ve received some amazing messages!

The first one in my inbox this morning was this one:

I shared your book with the marriage ministry leaders in our church. They read it, met with their volunteer team, and have decided to remove these dangerous books from their teachings and from the resources they sell. They have also removed them from our church library.

You need to know that you are making a difference! Thank you!

People are speaking up! And it is making a difference. I heard from another woman who had left Great Sex Rescue in view in the living room, and a group of singles on the mission field (she’s overseas) found it and said they had all heard of it and were interested. So they spent the evening thumbing through it and talking about it and loved it!

And I’ve heard so many more.

On Fridays I like to do a round-up of what’s happened this week, and today I want to focus on what OTHER people have been doing–and the influence it’s having. 

I’ve seen people quoting me all over social media, like this Instagram account:

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by @purity_culture_renegade

And we’ve  had a bunch more podcasts drop this week, like:

The Say What PodcastThe So…What Else? PodcastPermission for Pleasure podcast

 

Listen in to them and thank them for having me on!

So the word is spreading, one person at a time, one podcast at a time.

I’ve also been so encouraged to see people pushing back in comments on social media.

I’ve had a number of people send me videos by YouTube influencers, or reels by Instagram influencers, where they spread the obligation sex message or promote Love & Respect. And when I go and look, already multiple people in the comments have mentioned The Great Sex Rescue, or explained why the obligation sex message isn’t a good one.

People are speaking up! And they’re doing so politely and kindly, and that makes me so happy.

But…I’m not going to call those influencers out.

I also get asked by many people, though, to “do something” about these influencers who are spreading harmful messages. Could I call them out?

I don’t mind calling out the powerful at all–those who have written books and have platforms and are seen as experts. One of the biggest things I posted this week was this:

But when a woman (and it’s usually a woman) is building an Instagram brand and/or a YouTube channel, I feel like it would be beating up on her for me to call her out.

Many of these women believe this stuff because they grew up in toxic cultures too.

They don’t know any better! And like one of the videos that was pointed out to me this week showed, she doesn’t have a good marriage herself. She gives a lot of marriage advice, and recommends Love & Respect and sex on demand for husbands, but she also constantly talks about how much work marriage is. So she’s likely being hurt by these messages herself.

I just think it would be inappropriate for me to call out influencers who aren’t pastors, who aren’t counselors, who are just fellow wives trying to give advice, even if that advice is wrong.

I want to punch UP, not punch DOWN.

But that’s where you all come in!

When these influencers’ listeners and readers and followers start explaining why the message is wrong, and if we do that in enough numbers, we may indeed make a difference.

Here’s also a total mindshift: Remember who your audience is when you leave a comment explaining why the influencer is veering off base.

We can think that what we’re trying to do is to change the influencer’s mind.

Let’s say Sally, or whatever, has made a video telling people that Love & Respect is a great marriage book, and she just needed to understand how much her husband had needs that were different from hers, and stop nagging and give him sex gladly.

Or let’s say that Sally says that she finds that making her body wholly available to her husband at all times results in him cherishing her.

You may think that what you need to do is change Sally’s mind.

But that may never happen–as I have learned far too well. I surveyed 20,000 women. I built an airtight case. And I still have not changed anyone’s mind that we’re actually critiquing.

Do you know what has happened, though? Other people reading the comments have listened. And I’ve changed THEIR minds.

Remember that the audience for speaking up isn’t always the audience you think it is.

You bring it to your church’s pastor or elder’s board, and they ignore you. But an elder’s wife picks up The Great Sex Rescue, and reads it, and realizes she’s a victim of sexual coercion. Or the church adminsitrative assistant reads the book, and it changes the trajectory of her marriage.

You comment about why obligation sex isn’t helpful, and someone reading that comment finally  has words to say to her husband that she’s been trying to work out for years.

You comment that Love & Respect is a bad book, and a woman following the comments who was about to start a study on it starts googling Love & Respect and decides to do a different study instead.

In all cases, it may look like you failed, because you were trying to change the influencer’s minds. But you don’t know who else is reading and listening and paying attention. That’s how I think of it: When I used to comment on The Transformed Wife’s page, for instance, I did so not for Lori, but for others who read Lori. And so many have sent me her recent posts calling me out, but I want to assure you that I have heard from so many women who followed her religiously, and only heard about The Great Sex Rescue because Lori kept talking about me, and it made them check me out.

So change can come where we least expect it! And that’s often how God works.

We’re all in this together, because we are all part of the body of Christ.

And when part of the body hurts, we all hurt. Right now, part of the body is hurting because of bad teachings.

But as the body becomes stronger, even if it’s just a part, we all become stronger too.

We are making a difference! But it takes all of us, because the evangelical machine is big, and it is powerful, and it likes the status quo.

But we have the numbers. So keep speaking up! This has been an encouraging week, and I know that person by person, podcast by podcast, comment by comment, Jesus is expanding the kingdom of God!

What if you're NOT the problem with your sex life?

What if the messages that you've been taught have messed things up--and what if there's a way to escape these toxic teachings?

It's time for a Great Sex Rescue. Buy it on Amazon! Where Else Can I Buy It?

What’s the best way to engage in comments on social media in a helpful way? What about talking to your church? Let’s talk in the comments!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila is determined to help Christians find BIBLICAL, HEALTHY, EVIDENCE-BASED help for their marriage. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts How Can Men Fix Their Sex Lives if They’ve Gone Downhill?

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