Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 278

February 25, 2012

29 Days to Great Sex Day 25: Sex when you have Kids

We're in the final stretch of our 29 Days to Great Sex series! I hope you've been enjoying it. And as we near the end of the series, we simultaneously near the date when The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex will be released! Have you ordered yours yet? You can still get it for 30% off at pre-order at Amazon right now!

We've focused on how to get more enthusiastic about sex, how to have fun as a couple, how to make it feel great, and how to negotiate some of the more contentious issues, like frequency or what you do. But there's one other thing that is likely to come in the way of a great sex life. I'll let this video speak for itself:

Do you like it? Zondervan's making a series of them for me to promote my book, and this is the first one! (Please hit the Facebook share buttons and Pinterest share buttons below to tell other people about the video!)

Anyway, my husband's a pediatrician, and he often talks to parents who co-sleep with their babies, and often much older children. The interesting thing about these conversations is that almost unanimously it is the woman's idea. The man would rather that the kids go elsewhere, but the mom is insisting on the kids being in the bed. That may not be the case in your marriage, but it's very common.

When you're a parent, your marriage is now even more important because others are depending on you. Do not allow children to come between you and your husband! Babies in the bed while you're nursing? I can see that (though my husband would insist that I point out that the American Academy of Pediatrics strongly discourages it because of the increased incidence of SIDS). But at a certain point the best thing for the children is to learn how to go to sleep on their own, in their own bed, so you can have couple time.

I know a substantial number of couples let their kids sleep in bed with them. I am not saying that this always wrong. But I have had those same women tell me "we just have to be more creative about sex." That's fine, but as a woman, I know that if I had to be more creative about it, I'd make love less frequently. I just would. Some nights we make love when we're both tired simply because we're lying in bed together talking and then stuff happens. If we had to go to a different room, or try not to wake the kids, it wouldn't happen.

If the kids are putting a damper on your sex life, you owe it to your spouse to have an honest discussion about how he or she feels about it. Many spouses, especially many men, let kids sleep in the bed because they feel as if they don't have much of a choice. She wants them there, and the kids won't go to sleep elsewhere.

If bedtime routines are nightmares, because the kids won't settle to sleep, then get the Ferber book (or just watch any episode of Supernanny on YouTube. She does tons on bedtime routines!) You do not have to live with that kind of chaos forever! And once children learn how to settle themselves and sleep on their own, they are often much more settled children. It is not fun to be a child and to not be able to settle yourself to sleep. It leaves a child very nervous and agitated. Learning to sleep on one's own is a skill that we give kids, and once they have that, they are much more peaceful.

But what about sex when teens are in the home? That's even more difficult! And you'll have to buy the book for my advice on that… (I can't give you everything here, you know ).

Great Sex Challenge 25: Have an honest talk with each other about how much the kids are hampering your sex life. Commit together that your marriage comes first, and figure out ways to find some alone time, no matter what the ages of the kids! If you're the one who wants the kids in the bed, or who insists on putting the kids to sleep yourself, then honestly ask your spouse if he or she is on board. If not, listen to their side, and plot a course together which will help all of you get more sleep, and both of you get more intimacy!

Still 30% off at Amazon until March 6!

Tomorrow: Rekindling Sex After a Drought

29 Days to Great Sex:

Day 1: The Act of Marriage

Day 2: Starting Fresh

Day 3: Loving the Skin You're In

Day 4: Pucker Up!

Day 5: Reawaken Desire

Day 6: Why Your Hubby Wants You!

Day 7: Moving in the Right Direction

Day 8: 14 Ways to Play as a Couple

Day 9: Prepare for Sex throughout the Day

Day 10:16 Ways to Flirt with Your Husband

Day 11: How to Find Your Hubby Attractive

Day 12: If you're Having a Hard Time with these Challenges

Day 13: Getting Your Head in the Game

Day 14: What if You're Not "In the Mood"?

Day 15: What is Foreplay?

Day 16: How to Orgasm

Day 17: The Pleasure Center

Day 18: Foreplay Can Be for Him, Too!

Day 19: How to Come Alive Again

Day 20: Deciding on Boundaries

Day 21: 5 Ways to Spice Things Up

Day 22: How Often is Enough?

Day 23: Quickies Are Great!

Day 24: Initiate, Baby!

Next:

Day 26: Rebuilding Your Sex Life

Day 27: Experiencing Spiritual Intimacy When You Make Love

Please spread the word about this series by sharing on Facebook, Pinterest, Twitter, or Tumblr below! Thank you!

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Getting Enough Sleep
29 Days to Great Sex Day 9: Preparing for Sex Throughout the Day
29 Days to Great Sex Day 22: How Often is Enough?

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Published on February 25, 2012 04:04

February 24, 2012

29 Days to Great Sex Day 24: Initiate, Baby!

'shoe kiss' photo (c) 2008, cyrusbulsara - license: http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/

If you've been joining me for this 29 Days to Great Sex series, you'll know that I firmly believe that sex begins in the brain: when you have the right attitude, your body will tend to follow (as long as you understand how to make it feel good!). If you don't have the right attitude, sex will seem like a chore.

And I've also been saying that sex is a beautiful way to feel close to each other (more on the spiritual connection during sex on Monday).

If you haven't been following the 29 Days to Great Sex, don't worry! You're welcome anyway. Read on, and then you can always go back and catch up on posts that you've missed.

Today I want to continue our discussion of how to make sex something that unites you, rather than something that drives a wedge between you. And so let's talk about an issue that I've touched on a number of times in this series:

What really matters in a marriage is not so much the frequency of sex (though that is important) as the enthusiasm and the passion.

So much of a man's self-esteem especially is tied into whether or not his wife desires him sexually. It's not just that she'll acquiesce to have sex with him; it's that she actually wants to. And, in fact, if a woman decides to placate her husband and "lie there and think of England", so to speak, he'll experience that as rejection, even though she's "letting him". And for many men, that actually leads to erectile dysfunction. They have a difficult time "completing the deed" if they feel like she isn't really there for it.

Now, women who are married to men who don't have very high sex drives have problems in this area, too, though it often manifests itself in slightly different ways. But the message to take home is this: your spouse needs to feel like you actually desire and want sex, and not just that you are willing to go through the motions.

In fact, many women (and I'm going to talk about women here, because the opposite isn't quite true since men can't do the deed if they're not interested) complain that when they start "letting" him make love more frequently, he gets even more demanding. So they just give up. They think, "I'll never satisfy him, so why bother?" But the problem is that you haven't met his basic need, which is to feel desired. In fact, if you just lie there and don't really participate, you've reinforced the idea that you don't enjoy sex and really don't want to do it. That's going to cause him to desperately want to make sure that you do desire him, and so he will actually become more urgent about wanting sex. His most basic need, you see, is not to actually have sex. It's to feel as if he's wanted.

At this point some women are just about ready to give up. So it's not enough that I have sex? You ask. I actually have to want it? How can I force myself to want it?

Allow me to give you an idea: Initiate it. Really. You be the one to give him a big kiss and say, "let's go upstairs." Take him by the hand after you watch a movie together and lead him to the bedroom. You start the whole process, rather than waiting to see if he's "going to want to tonight". What's in it for you, you ask? Here are just a few benefits:

1. If you initiate, you control more what you do

We talked earlier about how important angle and foreplay is to women. If you initiate, you can take more care that you get the right position and the attention you need.

Also, if you're uncomfortable about certain things (or even uncomfortable about certain parts of your body), then you can steer things in a more comfortable direction for you.

2. If you initiate, you throw yourself into it more

You're automatically more active, and that often means that your body will follow more readily because your mind is more engaged.

3. You create a goodwill circle

When you initiate, you show your spouse that you really love do desire him. That makes him feel better about you and about the relationship, and is going to make both of you feel closer to each other

In a marriage, if one person is doing all the initiating, you have a problem. That person, whether male or female, will feel as if the other spouse doesn't really desire that kind of intimacy, and that's a very lonely feeling.

If you know you're likely going to make love anyway tonight, why not make the extra effort–and it really takes so little effort–to be the one to suggest it, or to try to seduce your spouse? When it's a two-way street, you each feel desired, you each feel loved, and you each feel close to one another. When one is always doing the asking, it's a little humiliating. You feel as if your spouse doesn't really love you or value being close to you. You feel as if you're constantly begging. And eventually, what some survey respondents told me, is that they stop asking, and sex comes to a standstill.

If you have sexual issues where you just feel badly about sex, then tackle them! Don't put up with them, because that is not God's will for you. God wants you to feel pleasure, and He wants you to feel deep intimacy with your spouse. Start cultivating a positive attitude about sex. Tell yourself the truth, and don't believe the lies.

And then take a deep breath, take your spouse's hand, and say, "let's do it!" That one little change can make such a tremendous difference in your marriage.

Great Sex Challenge 24: Initiate! If you're working through this series together, as a couple, have an honest talk about who tends to initiate, and talk about how that makes each of you feel. Then commit, together, to both trying to make the other feel desired and loved. And here's a fun game: talk through some great ideas on "how would you best like me to initiate sex? What would be fun for you?" See how many you can each come up with! If you're working through this alone, and you're the one who doesn't initiate very often, then go for it tonight! Go up to him and say, "Hey, baby, I want you NOW!" And see what response you get!

Next week will be a big week here, because I'll be launching an awesome contest where you can win a first–or second–honeymoon! And we're getting closer to the release of my book The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex. So stick around! And the book has a chapter on initiation–how to get yourself in the mood when you don't feel like it, and the benefits of just jumping in, for both of you.

Still 30% off at Amazon until March 6!

Tomorrow: Sex with Kids in the House

29 Days to Great Sex: