Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 276

Reader Question of the Week: What About Menopause?

Every weekend I'm going to institute a Reader Question of the Week, where I throw out a question from the comments or from my email bag and I ask all of  you to chime in!

Let's recap last week's: A woman wrote in talking about her husband's work schedule, and how they had so little time together. Can a marriage survive on quickies?

Lots of you wrote in for ideas on how to find more time together, including waking him up in the middle of the night! And the conclusion was, unfortunately, that it's hard to live like this indefinitely. Anyone can do it if there's an end in sight, even if the end is a few years away. But at some point something has to give.

Now for this week:

I've actually combined a number of similar emails I've had into one composite, and I hope that you all can give some thoughts, especially you older women who read my blog:

I've been married for about 5 years to a wonderful man. I've recently had some health problems, and I've gone through menopause.

Now, I feel completely dead from the neck down, dried up and finished up! At 50?!!!

He doesn't push me though I know he too feels this is wrong. And now he's starting to have problems, too. We are affectionate, but we aren't sexual; we only make love maybe 2-3 times a year.

I've been put on Hormone Replacement Therapy, and I've been exercising and we're in good health otherwise. I'm attractive and I look 10 years younger than I am. But sex just isn't working. In my head I want to love my man but the idea, even of being touched, just leaves me cold!

How do other women get through this menopause time? I'm a Christian, I believe in God's healing, and I want to get through this!

If you've been through menopause, or if you know a lot about menopause, can you comment and help? A number of women are asking me similar things. I have thoughts, but since I haven't gone through that change, I'd rather the rest of you who have chime in first!

Thanks, everybody!

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Losing Faith in Humanity

Every Friday my syndicated column appears in a bunch of newspapers in southeastern Ontario and Saskatchewan. And–gasp!–sometimes I actually write about stuff other than sex. Here's this week's

I spent a lazy Sunday afternoon last weekend watching YouTube videos.

Big mistake. I have now lost almost all faith in humanity.

It started when my daughters told me to watch "Honey Boo Boo Child", a clip from the Toddlers and Tiaras show (which, to this point in my life, I have successfully avoided). Now Honey Boo Boo Child is a 6-year-old girl made up to look like a tramp. And that's a polite word for it. Watching the clip felt like watching a train wreck. It's so horrible you want to turn away, but you just can't. And now I can't get those creepy Jonbenet Ramsay pictures out of my head. I thought I had finally banished them.

From there I followed a link to a Judge Judy video, another show I have, until this point in my life, managed to avoid. On this particular episode, a 21-year-old male was being sued by his 30-year-old ex-girlfriend for rent money. It turns out they had lived together, but they had a prior agreement that he could get out of paying rent because his presence provided benefit enough. At some point she obviously changed her mind.

In the course of Judge Judy's questioning it came out that this man had been paid $70,000 by the government to pursue a music degree, and given a stipend of $450 a month for rent. Judge Judy wanted to know why he hadn't spend that $450 on rent. He replied that the government "was just paying me for being me!"

Judge Judy then declared, "I'm sending this tape to Congress." Maybe she should just run for Congress and stop the insanity.

Insanity is all I see in the news right now. Iran is about to develop a nuclear weapon. Gas prices are about to go through the roof. Twenty percent of Americans are either unemployed or underemployed. And what do politicians want to talk about? Birth control. Democrats claim that Republicans want to outlaw birth control simply because they don't want to force Catholic and other faith-based entities to pay for it. With Obama losing traction in his re-election campaign, they thought creating an issue to win women's votes was a necessity. Because we all know women care way more about contraception than unemployment, right? Sheesh.

When I used to take my children to the portrait studio to get that family photo taken, the kids would be miserable. They didn't like sitting still. So the photographer would wave this teddy bear in the air, trying to distract them from their misery and coerce a smile.

Maybe that's what happening on a larger scale. We're trying to ignore the real problems that are facing our world. We watch utterly bizarre shows on television because it distracts us from reality. We feel entitled to free money and free IUDs and free rent and free anything because it's other people paying, and we want the free ride as long as we can get it.

And we let politicians on both sides of our border wave some stupid issue and demonize the other side, thinking it will win votes, instead of talking about the things that actually affect us, like the economy, or gas prices, or public safety.

This world is falling apart, and too many people don't care. And that's depressing to think about. So next time my kids tell me to watch some YouTube video, I'm going to stick to giggling babies. At least they have the capacity to restore my faith in the future.

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My Life with a Book Launch, a Video, and The Hunger Games

I woke up this morning at 9:15.

Do you know how long it's been since I've slept until 9:15? Sometimes I wake up earlier but stay in bed for a while, but I actually didn't even come to consciousness until 9:15. I think I've been overtired.

I know all of you with little kids are now insanely jealous, because you'd love to sleep in, so I'm sorry. One day your turn will come again, I promise!

But I've had a bit of a wild ride these last few weeks, getting ready for the launch of The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex and writing last month's 29 Days to Great Sex. I've blogged pretty much everyday since the end of January (even weekends), and it's hard to get a post up everyday! And I've been writing guest posts for a bunch of sites, and doing radio interviews. Last weekend I even had a video guy over at my house filming some videos to use in my Girl Talk event for churches and to put up on YouTube. It's just a strange life right now. As these pictures prove:

My husband is a really good sport. For the videos he didn't actually have any lines. One he just had to lie there, and one he just had to look dejected in a variety of scenes. He does dejected well.

And by the way, the videos are not raunchy at all!

But here's the worst part of filming videos in your home: you have to actually clean. A lot. And when you've spent a month and a half doing nothing but blogging, the house gets really messy! But it gave me a good reason to clean, and boy did the house look great! For about 24 hours. Sigh.

And then, to top it all off, I decided on Sunday night that I would start the Hunger Games series. My girls have read it, and they're all excited about the movie coming out in a week or so, so I figured I'd better see what all the fuss was about.

I delayed reading them for a while because the concept was just so gross to me. Basically, The Capitol, a tyrannical government, keeps 12 Districts as slave labour (and the Districts don't communicate with each other at all). Each year, one teenage girl and one teenage boy from each district are forced to compete in The Hunger Games, a gladiatorial-like contest to the death, with only one winner.

I thought: that is so revolting. That is so awful. That is absolutely insane. There's no way that I could read that. But the girls kept saying, "it's not as gross as it sounds." I couldn't believe it could possibly NOT be gross, but I have a stronger stomach than my girls, so I figured if they enjoyed it, I would.

I read the first book the first night. Then I read the second book the next day and started the third. And then I had to finish the third the next morning before I could get anything done.

I am not letting myself read anything again until the summer. I don't get anything done! When the kids were little and I would start a novel, I would stay in my pyjamas and read, and ignore them, and tell them to have cereal for lunch, because I am completely incapable of putting a book down once I've started it. Some people have no self-control when it comes to chocolate. I have no self-control when it comes to books.

Anyway, I did enjoy the books, and I'll be writing about them in my column next week, so you can see what I think. But I'm back in the real world now, after a day yesterday of finishing up the Hunger Games and then being interviewed for an hour by Dennis Prager (could you tell I was folding laundry during the interview? I thought if my hands were busy I'd be less nervous.)

So that's a little peek into my life.

Still 30% off at Amazon!

Now, a few things you may be interested in.

A number of sites are running contests where you could win a copy of The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex!

We are THAT Family

Weird, Unsocialized Homeschoolers

Hot, Holy Humorous

And don't forget Zondervan's contest where you could win $1000 (or $500) towards a first or second honeymoon! Americans enter at my Facebook Page, by clicking on the Trivia button. Canadians enter here. You have until March 23!

And this weekend I want to run my new feature, Reader Questions. So if you have a great question, leave it in the comments, and maybe I'll put it up to get other people's input!

Have a great day! I'm going to go try to get caught up on teaching my youngest her Math (we homeschool, too). And then I'll clean my house again.

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Sex After Kids: 17 Ways to Make It Happen

Sex and Parenting. Sex obviously leads to parenthood, but for many couples, it then becomes rather rare. How can you keep your sex life fresh when kids are hanging off of you, you're exhausted, and you need some time to yourself?

For the last few days we've been talking about sex when you're pregnant or when your hormones are out of whack. Today I'd like to do a summary post of some of the things we've talked about lately!

1. Stress Intimacy, Not Just Sex

If you're thinking, "why would I want to have sex? I don't have the energy to get in the mood", you likely won't make love at all. Instead of seeing sex as simply a physical thing, we women need to see it as more. Yes, the physical is great, but when we're tired, it can lose its appeal. But one thing that we desperately need is intimacy. We need to feel close to our husbands. We need to feel his love. That's going to energize you!

When you feel like sex is a chore, think to yourself, "It's not primarily about release as much as it is about feeling close to each other." Concentrate on that, and it will become much more appealing (and your body may even kick in!)

2. Use Sex as a Stress-Reliever and Sleeping Pill

Intimacy isn't the only other benefit of sex. Making love also relaxes you and helps you to sleep better. So if you're exhausted, sex is often the best prescription! It helps you sleep more deeply and helps you fall asleep faster. I remember when I was nursing my babies, one of the problems I often ran into after the 2 a.m. feeding was that I'd be absolutely exhausted but I wouldn't be able to get back to sleep. Waking up Keith (creatively) to make love would often do the trick!Use

3. Lubrication

When your hormones are out of whack, or you're finding it more difficult for your body to respond because you're worried about kids coming in or getting to sleep, lubrication can be a shortcut to arousal. It's not cheating to use lube!

4. Make Use of Other Times of Day

Shift work. Kids not sleeping through the night. Difficult bedtime routines. All of these things can make sex at 11:00 pm rather difficult. But there is no reason you can't make love at other times of day! Many couples find the morning the easiest (if you happen to wake up before the kids do). Or make use of nap time. Just be open to mixing it up a little!

5. Talk in Front of the Kids

Sometimes we shut down sexually if the kids are anywhere around because that feels–well–wrong. But children, when they're babies and toddlers, really don't know what you're saying. So don't be afraid to flirt with your husband in front of them, or kiss in front of them, or tell your husband what you're thinking about. When kids are with you almost every waking moment, take advantage of the fact that they don't understand to talk sexy! After all, since our libidos are mostly in our heads, we need something to rev them up. If we try to separate parenthood from wifehood too much, that can be difficult to do.

6. Jump in the Shower with Him

Just being naked together during the day helps you keep that spark! So if the kids aren't awake yet in the morning, or are otherwise occupied, jump in the shower with your husband! Even if you don't have sex, you still keep that fire going for later.

Or soak in the bath with him! Multi task. Have fun being naked together, and it will make sex a more natural part of your life, rather than just an afterthought.

7. Flirt with Your Husband

Don't let mommyhood take up your whole identity. During the day, even if you're with your kids, flirt! Send him texts. Have a code word that means "I'm hot for you." In the morning, show him what underwear you're wearing that day. Want more ideas? I've got lots here.

8. Enforce Bedtimes and Schedules to Make Predictability

You need your time with your husband. You're a parent now, and that means your marriage is more important, not less. Other people are counting on you. So enforce bedtimes and schedules so that you can get some rest, you can get some predictability, and you can get some romance! Obviously when babies are small this isn't possible, but once they're not eating every three hours, you can start to organize a schedule that works for you and your husband.

That doesn't always mean an early bedtime, either. Maybe you're morning people and would rather have an hour in the morning together before the kids get up. That's fine! But decide when you want your alone time, and enforce bedtime and naptime around that.

9. Quickies are Your Friend

When children are little, quickies can be you friend! They make you laugh, they make him excited, and they get your engines going for later (since chances are you won't be satisfied. It's more like an appetizer). So make use of quickies! If your children are in front of a Dora the Explorer video, head upstairs for a few minutes. Are your kids often occupied before dinner, watching TV or doing homework? Do your children set the table? Put dinner in a crockpot or get it all ready so that when your husband comes home (or when you get home) you can leave the kids to their own devices and slip in the bedroom for a quickie!

10. Sleep During the Day

The two biggest impediments for a woman getting in the mood are being exhausted and feeling overburdened. So be proactive and sleep during the day when the babies do! Do everything you can to get some rest. If you have babies and toddlers who still nap, but a 4 or 5 year old who doesn't, make a rule that everyone has "quiet time" in their bedrooms from 2-3 in the afternoon anyway. The older child can read or play with toys on their bed. You need a nap. Do this consistently, from the time that they're young, and they likely won't put up too much of a fight. I just becomes routine.

And then take that quiet time to rest, not to mop or do laundry! That can wait. You will always be a better mom and wife if you have your rest.

11. Take Time for Yourself

If sex is going to be exciting, you can't resent your husband. And often we do because we think, "I just want some time to myself! I don't want him hanging off of me, too!" It's a very real need. Acknowledge it and do something about it–just not at the time when it's easiest to have sex! If you need time to yourself, join a gym that has baby-sitting. Ask your husband to take on the bathtime routine so you can scrapbook or knit or just sit and read for an hour. Do what you can to rejuvenate at other times of day.

12. Swap Baby-sitting

Need a date night? A time to concentrate just on him? Swap baby-sitting with a friend or a sister so that you take their kids and then they take yours. Even take the kids overnight to give each other a whole night to bond.

13. Make a Date Night when your Kids are Older

While sex is difficult when children are young and can't be left by themselves very long, it gets even more complicated when they're teenagers and stay up late and know what's going on. So as they age, make a deal that everyone is out of the house on the same night so you and your husband can have some alone time. Send the older ones to youth group, and arrange for the younger ones to visit friends. Or always schedule activities on the same night. You need some time in the house alone.

14. Talk to Your Husband Throughout the Day

If you have lots on your mind, it can be hard to concentrate enough to make love. And we women can't enjoy sex unless our heads are in the game. So talk to your husband throughout the day to get some of these concerns out. Take walks with kids in strollers after dinner so you can debrief. Bathe the kids together and talk while they splash. Take time to connect earlier in the day, and it will be easier to connect in other ways later.

15. Be His Best Friend

Sex has to flow out of a deep friendship. It can't be something where you both lead totally separate lives and then you try to connect your bodies. So work at being his best friend. Talk. Do things together. Don't shut him out because the kids come; try to involve him in everything you can.

16. Love Your Body

In Proverbs, Solomon wrote "Let her breasts satisfy you at all times" right after he says, "Do not despise the wife of your youth." In other words, your breasts are supposed to satisfy your husband long after your youth is gone. And even in Solomon's day, breasts sagged after childbirth. They had stretch marks. Or they disappeared after nursing. The Bible says, we know motherhood changes a woman's body. And it shouldn't matter.

Your body will change. Gravity will kick in. You're not going to have the tight behind you did when you were 17 forever. And that's okay. Work at loving and accepting your body. Your body brought these children into the world. It gave life. It is a wonderful thing. So dress to flatter it. Think of things you love about it! Don't shut your husband out of the bedroom because you're ashamed of what your body is now. If you learn to love yourself, and if you're confident, then you're also sexy, because confidence is sexy! So stop listing all the things you hate about your body, and start listing what you love!

17. Don't Sleep with the Kids

I know this one is controversial, and it got me in some hot water a few weeks ago in the comments. Many women who sleep with their children in bed with them said, "we just are intentional about sex and find ways to make it work." Good for you! But let me suggest that while your sex life can still be fine, it will never be as good as it would be if there were no barriers in the bedroom. You essentially are sacrificing a part of your marriage for sleeping with the children.

You may decide that it's worth it, and if it's a decision that you come to with your husband together, that is completely your prerogative. But children will grow up attached to you even if they sleep in a crib. Learning to self-soothe, and to be able to go back to sleep without Mommy, is actually an important skill.

Interestingly, every single man who commented on that post about sleeping with your children said it was a bad idea. That's consistent with what I've seen. Most men do not want to co-sleep, and when they do, it's often because the women have insisted. Women tend to be the big advocates of it, and men tend to go along. That's really not a healthy marriage situation. Again, if it is a decision you've come to together, that's fine. But don't let your eagerness or desire to co-sleep blind you to the fact that your husband may not be as enthusiastic as you are. And his feelings should count!

Do you have any marriage thoughts you'd like to share? Leave a link of the URL of your post in the linky tools below! And then please leave a link back to To Love, Honor and Vacuum so people can browse the other marriage posts!

This would be a great post to Pin on Pinterest below, or to share  on Facebook! Thank you!

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Sex When Your Hormones Are All Over the Place

Women are hormonal. We make jokes about PMS. We use hormones as our excuse to eat chocolate. They're part of our regular vocabulary, but I'm not sure we women understand how much they can impact our sex drives.

Yesterday we were talking about sex and pregnancy, and today I want to talk about sex and hormones. I was going to talk specifically about sex and breastfeeding, but most of the problems come back to hormones (or lack thereof). So let's try to understand this.

First, a little background. In both men and women, testosterone is related to arousal and libido. Men obviously have more than women, but we still need that testosterone boost. Normally we get a hormonal surge smack in the middle of our cycles, when we're ovulating, that lasts several days. God made us that way so that we'd desire sex on the days that we're able to get pregnant. Incidentally, that's also why people using hormonal birth control often find that their sex drives plummet. They aren't getting these normal hormonal fluctuations that cause an increase in libido at certain times.

So what happens to us when those cycles aren't happening? When we're pregnant, some people find sex even better (especially during months 4-7). But others find their libido almost shuts down. One woman commented yesterday, saying that in her first pregnancy sex was great, but this time she just can't get aroused. And she can't figure it out, because she totally loves her husband.

Then the baby is born and you start nursing. For many of us, that kills libido, too. If nursing prevents you from having your period (which it will, at least for a few months), then that hormonal surge is gone. But even when you do start your period again, many women find that as much as they may want to, they just can't seem to get aroused.

Again, this is actually quite normal, and women who have gone through menopause will often say the same thing. Mentally they want to have sex, and they're doing the same things that they always did before that worked, but this time they're just not getting turned on. And it drives them nuts!

How do you cope?

I'm going to give a couple of quick thoughts, and then I would love to pool the cumulative wisdom we have on this blog and ask you all for more of your thoughts! Then maybe this weekend I'll try to do a roundup or something. But here goes:

1. Use Lubrication

Absolutely, no doubt about it. In the comments on previous threads lots of women have suggested coconut oil, and then of course there are the lubricants you can purchase in the drug store. But lubes don't just help sex work without discomfort; they can even aid in arousal.

You see, when you're trying to have intercourse and you're dry, it's rather unpleasant. But when you're wet it feels so much better. It's like the difference between a massage with no massage oil and a massage with oil. It just feels more delicious. So using lubrication doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you. It's not "second best". It just is simply something that can help you feel better and help keep everything more comfortable!

2. Spend a Lot of time Relaxing

Our sex drives are largely in our heads. When we want to make love, our bodies TEND to follow. They don't always, though, as many of you have said. But relaxing first can help that process. So spend time in the bath together. Ask for a massage (especially if you've been carrying babies around all day). Drag things out so that sex is about real connection and not just about release, and you may find that arousal does come when you give it time. But even if it doesn't, you're still relaxed and you still feel good!

You'll notice I haven't really said "spend more time on foreplay". It's not that I don't think foreplay is important; I do. But I know for many women, when hormones just aren't there and arousal is difficult, foreplay can actually be quite stressful. You end up feeling like a failure. I'd recommend instead that you spend a lot of time in leadup in other ways. Ask for a massage while you're both naked. Concentrate on how it feels. Ask him to massage your thighs and not just your back. If you are able to get aroused, it's more likely to start then than while he's actually touching a more erogenous zone. So I'm not saying don't do foreplay; I'm just saying don't get all stressed about it. Concentrate instead on relaxing and feeling physically wonderful in other ways, and then if arousal happens, that's great. But don't work yourself into a frenzy with foreplay, because that can actually have the opposite effect sometimes!

3. Concentrate on the Other Benefits of Sex

I read a thread on another blog recently that said, basically, that breastfeeding meant her libido vanished, and that was God's birth control, to make sure that our children were spaced out farther. And so her husband just realized that this was the baby's turn, not his turn.

Again, I'm very uncomfortable with women swearing off sex for extended periods of time. I know it may be difficult to get aroused, but that doesn't mean that sex can't be meaningful in other ways.

Sex is supposed to connect us physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Even if you're not multi-orgasmic, you can still have those other two elements. You feel closer together. You laugh together, like you have a shared secret. You feel intimate. You may be able to live without an orgasm, but do you really want to live without all of that? Certainly there are other ways to feel close, but this is the main one that God gave to us.

Again, you may not have an orgasm, but if you're lubricated and relaxed, it can still be fun. And if you turn the tables sometimes, and decide to be the initiator and challenge yourself to make him feel great, your own arousal level isn't quite as important. He'll feel like a million bucks, too!

4. Don't Stress About It

I'm not saying that we shouldn't worry about our own pleasure; of course it's wonderful to feel pleasure. I'm just saying that there are times when things aren't going to work as well. It doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you. And if this is tied up in pregnancy or nursing, there is an end in sight. But during those times when hormones aren't surging, just make sure that you don't give up on intimacy. Find other things to look forward to while making love, and stress the touch and the massage and the relaxation, and you may just find that you yearn for it, too–just in other ways!

Still 30% off at Amazon!

Now, what thoughts can you offer us? What's been your experience? Let me know in the comments!

Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex Update: Just wanted to let you all know that I'll be doing some radio interviews this week for The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex! I was on Coastal Daybreak at 7:15 this morning in North Carolina, and tomorrow I'll be on the Dennis Prager show (I'm so excited!). I'll also be on Divine Calling with Stephanie Riggs out of Denver. And don't forget my contest, where you can win $1000 towards a first–or second–honeymoon! Americans enter at my Facebook Page (just click the Trivia button), and Canadians enter here.

 

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Pregnancy and Sex: Can It Work?

Sex is a beautiful thing.

We all know we're supposed to agree. And sex, after all, is what gives you that beautiful joy of creating new life!

But let's be honest. When you're pregnant and you feel like a beached whale, or when you're bone tired and you spend your life dreaming of food that will actually stay down, sex is probably the last thing on your mind.

Last month, when I was writing my 29 Days to Great Sex series, many of you emailed saying, "but what about sex when you're pregnant? Or breastfeeding? Or just exhausted with kids?" And so this week we're going to explore those three things.

Let's start with sex and pregnancy. Here's why sex is such a challenge when you're pregnant (other than that beached whale problem): for women, our sex drives are largely in our heads. When our heads are engaged, our body will usually follow. If we can't concentrate, our bodies won't. Any woman who has ever been having fun with her husband when the stray thought, "I wonder if there's milk in the fridge for breakfast" invades knows what I'm talking about. Once your mind wanders, you're gone.

And that's why pregnancy can be difficult. You're nauseous. You're tired. You get charlie horses. You can't get comfortable. And so how can you concentrate enough or get the energy together to focus on sex? I remember sneaking into our bedroom shortly after we were married when my husband had a bout of the flu. With a rash all over and a fever of 103, he looked so pathetic. So I said to him, "Is there anything I can do for you?" And his bleary eyes started flashing. "Well, since you asked…" For men, physical pain or physical discomfort is not a reason to say no to sex. For most women it is.

I was so sick when I was pregnant with my first daughter. I used to pray to throw up, but never could (not being able to throw up is way worse than throwing up. I could throw up with the other two and felt so much better). And when you're that nauseous, sex is the last thing in your mind.

And then, later in pregnancy when you're so big, it's just plain uncomfortable.

I've had several commenters who have said, "my husband just knows that this isn't a good time for me, so we just put sex on hold until the baby is a few months old," or variations of that. And I'm very uncomfortable with that. So here are some things to think about:

1. Your Husband Is Still Important

What your new child will need, more than anything else except a relationship with Christ, is the knowledge that his or her parents' marriage is rock solid. The best thing that you can do for your child is to wholeheartedly love their dad. When that marriage is strong, the child is secure, so can concentrate on learning about navigating the rest of the world.

I know it's easy to say, "well, he's the one who got me in this situation, so he should just cope," but that's not really fair. Parenthood is a huge adjustment, and you need to reassure yourself that you and your husband are still on the same page. Sex is God's way for us to do that.

That doesn't necessarily mean that we're going to have sex as often as we did before we were pregnant. But you shouldn't swear it off altogether, or relegate it to "once a month" duty sex. Husbands often are very insecure as the baby comes. Will my wife still love me? Will she still pay attention to me? Those questions sound selfish to us, but they're not, because he actually has his priorities straight. The marriage does come first. And if you can try throughout your pregnancy to show him that you believe that, you will start your life with this new baby on solid footing.

How do you do that?

2. Listen to Your Doctor

Obviously, for some women sex isn't a good idea. If you're spotting or having contractions early, you need to talk to your doctor. So everything I'm saying here is based on your doctor saying it's okay!

Sometimes the husband is the one worried about sex because he doesn't want to hurt the baby (or poke the baby, as one commenter said). In normal pregnancies, sex does not hurt anything at all. And the baby really doesn't feel the poking. If your husband would be reassured by talking to the doctor, then this may be a good idea!

3. Focus on Intimacy

The reason that we don't want sex is because we're focused on the fact that if we have sex, we have to get energetic and try to get ourselves in the mood. Instead, think about sex as a way to feel intimate and to feel close to your husband. Do you long for that? Yes, you can feel close by snuggling, but we'll always feel closer after we make love. And he will feel closer to us, too.

4. Get Real About How You Feel

Yes, you feel awful. Yes, you're a beached whale. But here's the truth: that is not going to change, whether or not you have sex. If you lie there and don't make love, you'll still be a beached whale. You'll still be nauseous.

It's not like abstaining from sex makes these conditions feel better! It's just that you don't have to get yourself in the mood. And the thought that you could actually be in the mood at the same time as you're feeling sick sounds awfully far-fetched. But I'm not sure it is, because:

5. Think of Sex as Something That Makes You Physically Relax

If you change the way you think of sex (it's about intimacy and feeling close to my husband), and change the way you have sex, it can actually make you feel better. I know you may not believe me, but just hear me out. While you're pregnant and feeling awful, make sex far more about massage and touch than it is about a gymnastic marathon. Make it slow and tender, and focus on how your husband can make your body feel better. Buy some books on massage, or take some out of the library. Get some wonderful massage oils and just have him rub your legs if they hurt, and your back, and your shoulders, and take some of the tension out. Drag out foreplay so that your sexual encounters are focused on "making mom feel wonderful in every way". You may find you actually look forward to it!

6. Get as Much Rest as Possible

Nap when your older children nap (if you have any). Nap as often as possible if you don't have any kids. And talk to your husband about helping around the house. Explain to him that if you get more rest, you'll likely be more "in the mood" later!

7. Try Different Positions

As you get bigger, the missionary position will become pretty much impossible. First, it's very uncomfortable to lie on your back, and second, you're a weird shape! But you can try you on top, or spooning. Read this post on the importance of getting the right angle when you make love for it to feel good.

And, if you're nearing your due date and you're desperate to go into labor, sex actually can help trigger labor later on!

8. Go with the Flow

To a certain extent, pregnancy is a "go with the flow" thing. Some days you'll be feeling great, and some days you just won't. In those beginning few weeks when you're terribly nauseous, sex really may be too difficult. But often in months 4-7 we feel pretty good, and our libidos return (and are sometimes even higher!). Unfortunately, if you tell yourself and your husband at the beginning of the pregnancy "we just won't be having sex now", then when your libido returns, you may not even notice because you've shut yourself down. So don't shut down! If you're temporarily too sick, that's okay. If your doctor says no, then you obviously shouldn't. But remember: sex increases your intimacy, which is so important when a baby's coming. It can help relax you. And it can cement your relationship. So don't write it off! Just be more creative, more focused on relaxation, and more focused on the relationship!

Still 30% off at Amazon!

What do you think? Did you find anything that worked well when you were pregnant? Or did you find sex just impossible? Let's talk about it in the comments!

And you could win a copy of my book, The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex, over at Julie Sibert's Intimacy in Marriage blog this week. Head on over, read the interview, and leave a comment!

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Related posts:

Wifey Wednesday: Work to Your Strengths
29 Days to Great Sex Day 4: Pucker Up!
29 Days to Great Sex Day 28: Is Selfishness Undermining Intimacy?

The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex

Those of you who have been reading my blog for a while know that The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex has now been launched! I had my party for it in Belleville, my hometown, where some friends dropped by:

I wrote the 29 Days to Great Sex leading up to it, I had a one day blitz, there's an awesome contest going on right now (you could win $1000!), and I'll be on the radio (including the Dennis Prager show this week) talking about it.

Still 30% off at Amazon!

But I realized this week that I haven't really introduced the book to you completely.

The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex delves into the three aspects of sex–physical, emotional, and spiritual–that make it so wonderful. One problem our world has is that it sees sex solely in terms of the physical, because what else is there when you divorce sex from any kind of committed relationship? But what really makes sex great is that it encompasses all three things.

And in the book I look at how to make all three aspects great, and how to tackle the problems we sometimes run into. I try to work through how to figure out what's okay in bed in a Christian relationship, and look at how to develop a life of sexual intimacy which will boost your marriage and your mood

Using research from surveys that I took from thousands of women (thanks to those of you who participated), I look at what actually makes married sex great, and look at what pitfalls to avoid.

I read some Christian sex books before I was married and they really messed me up. They made me take it far too seriously, and that's why one of the major points in this book is just to RELAX. It gets better with time; we're supposed to laugh about it; and it is a little quirky.

A lot of Christian sex books are also written by men, or by couples. I wanted to write one that was more what I would have wanted–some advice from "a funny big sister", as World Magazine called me last month.

Is the book only for newlyweds? No, although I hope every engaged and newly married woman will read it! If more women realized how beautiful and fun sex was supposed to be from the outset of their marriage, more marriages will thrive. But women who have been married for years still need pointers on how to make it better, and I go over some of the problems that we often encounter. If we women can become enthusiastic about sex, understand true intimacy, and embrace it, we could do so much more good because our families could be so strong.

The reviews have started to come in, and I'm really humbled by what people are saying.

Over on Goodreads one pastor (a guy!) wrote: "Over the years I have seen many marriage books, yet Good Girls Guide to Great Sex stands alone."

On Amazon, Maxine writes: "What an informative and spiritually grounded book."

And I so appreciate how many of you have written on my Facebook Page about it! Here's just one:

reading your book….bought it on my kindle yesterday!! on chapter six!! LOVE IT!! so far i've been surprised, i've laughed, and i've cried!! I'm loving the bold honesty….being a bold woman who speaks like it is, i really appreciate the way this is written!!! THANK YOU!!

As I share in the book, sex was such a huge struggle for me when we were first married. But God turned it around, and now I understand what it means to experience intimacy and sex at the same time.

Can you do me a favor? Just hit the share buttons below–on Twitter, Facebook, or Pinterest–to help tell others about The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex! I'd love to get the word out. And let them know they can enter the contest to win $1000 towards a first–or second–honeymoon! I'd love to see an army of women embracing God's design for marriage, and learning to be truly passionate once again!

And coming this week–my series on sex during pregnancy, breastfeeding, and the toddler years!

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Related posts:

The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex–Excerpt Available!
29 Days to Great Sex Day 29: Party for Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex!
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex Getaway Contest

Reader Question: Can a Marriage Survive on Quickies?

I thought that each weekend I'd institute a new feature here at To Love, Honor and Vacuum, namely, the Reader Question.

And this week I had a great one:

What do you do when your husband leaves for work by 4 am M-F and is ready for bed by 7 pm? There are many times that I make the time for his needs after work but it is difficult to get out of "mommy mode" when I can hear the children and I am wondering if everything is ok and will they hear us and how late will supper be because I stopped to do this and on and on. I feel like I do pretty good at keeping this a priority in our marriage, but afternoon quickies aren't cutting it for me and getting to bed at the same time at night is nearly impossible. If we do go to bed at the same time, he is so exhausted from getting up so early and the 2 hour round trip commute that it's usually only once a week on the weekends. This is frustrating for me and it's especially frustrating for us both on the days when he comes home in the mood and there's just no way it can happen. Can a marriage survive and thrive on quickies? I know that I feel like it's not enough and I think that he does, too, but he's so tired that sleep wins out. Any suggestions?

What do you think? Leave your answers in the comments, and then I'll sum up in our next installment! And if you have a question, leave that in the comments, too, and maybe I'll use it for next week.

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No related posts.

Phone Woes

Every Friday my syndicated column appears in a bunch of newspapers in southeastern Ontario and Saskatchewan. And–gasp!–sometimes I actually write about stuff other than sex. I haven't been running my columns for the last month on this blog because I was writing the 29 Days to Great Sex, but I thought it's time to begin again. So here's this week's:

When I was in grade school, I remember glancing through a Christmas catalogue only to be stopped in my tracks by a watch that had an actual TV on it. You could enjoy Gilligan's Island instead of having to listen at school! I thought that was the absolutely coolest possible thing in the world.

Now our phones give us instant access to television, movies, and YouTube videos, because you never know when the urge to see Charlie Bit Me, a Sneezing Baby Panda, or a Baby Sloth Get a Bath will strike. The average well off family twenty years ago owned a camera, a video camera, a set of encyclopedias, an atlas, a phone book, a CD player, a calculator, a video game system, lots of photo albums, and many more items that would have cost, altogether, at least several thousand dollars. All of those things are available on a smart phone for just a few hundred.

Phones have revolutionized the way that we interact, but personally, I can't keep up. I don't know if it's my age, but I cannot grow accustomed to having a cell phone. Half the time I forget to bring it with me. When I do bring it along, it's often out of battery. I know you're supposed to carry it for safety reasons, but if I were ever in trouble, my only recourse would be to bean some mugger on the side of the head with it. And as someone who can type over one hundred words a minute, I grow really frustrated trying to text.

Besides, I just don't like talking on the phone very much, and the fact that people can now talk to me while I'm grocery shopping seems a little disconcerting. I don't even like the telephone much when I'm at home, largely because of the tension phone calls bring.

When the phone rings in our house, we all freeze. Then we wait to see if it's going to ring again, hoping against hope that another family member actually picked it up. When the second ring comes, we all spring into action, running frantically searching for the sound, which could be emanating from under couch cushions, in laundry baskets or on the stairs.

When the phone finally stops ringing because none of us managed to find it before voice mail picked up, my daughters and I hang our heads in shame, waiting for the lecture from the sole male in our household, who cannot figure out why, in a house with three phones, we seem incapable of replacing the phone onto its base when we are finished talking.

Of course, women understand the reason. It's because when I talk on the phone, I multitask. I make dinner. I fold laundry. I make beds. And then, when I'm finished with the conversation, the phone gets left wherever I last was, only to cause more trouble for me the next time it rings. Personally, I prefer email. After all, I can't lose my computer in the laundry.

Besides, phone calls have always seemed to me to be rather rude. If I'm in the middle of a conversation with my daughter, why should a phone call asking if I have any old clothes I'd like to donate take precedence? If I'm finally enjoying some time to myself to read, why should I have to jump up and find the phone?

I'm seriously thinking of getting rid of my home phone altogether, because 75% of my phone calls are from telemarketers, and another 20% are from people who want me to do something I'd rather not do. Only 5% are really from friends. I can talk to them anyway, if I could ever remember to charge my cell phone. I think I'll go do that now, before the phone rings again.

Don't miss a Reality Check! Sign up to receive it FREE in your inbox every week!

And if you miss my regular posts on sex, here are some popular ones from last month:

16 Ways to Flirt with Your Husband

5 Ways to Spice Things Up

Starting Fresh

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What Pulls Us Apart
Mind If I Interrupt?
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When Your Spouse Withholds Sex

Do you live in a sexless marriage? They're increasing all the time. And in my book, The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex, 14% of survey respondents reported living in marriages where they rarely or never had sex (at least less than once a month).

Sometimes this is due to health problems, but more often than not it's a deep-seated issue within a spouse where they don't see the importance of sex, and something has triggered them to decide to stop. I've been writing a series of posts this week on what to do when a spouse doesn't want sex, and we're going to end the series today looking at the most extreme (but not all that rare) case when people refuse altogether.

I received an email recently from a woman who announced to her husband over a decade ago, after a hysterectomy, that their sex life was now over because her sex drive was gone. Today she is in turmoil because her husband had finally decided to leave.

I've received several emails from women whose husbands have not made love to them in years. Again, it was triggered by a health complaint or a sexual complaint (erectile dysfunction), but the husbands used those things to decide to "switch off".

Now what do the spouses do? I'd suggest talking to your spouse about intimacy, the way I suggested yesterday. But for many spouses this goes much further than that. The spouse has basically checked out of the relationship. And you're in a very difficult position because how do you talk about this? It's not like your spouse has had an affair (in most cases). They've just decided that they want the benefits of being married (living with someone, parenting together, sharing expenses, having the status) but they don't want one of the major responsibilities.

Paul Byerley, of The Generous Husband, wrote an important post back in December about how the church doesn't think of withholding sex as a sin–even though it is. He writes:

Sometimes it's total refusal, sometimes it's sex once a month, or almost once a week… Sometimes the lack of sex is because of ongoing emotional, mental or physical issues, but the person with the problem won't get any help. This is still refusal, as it is refusing to do what would make it possible to have sex.

He goes on to show how churches treat the sins of adultery and pornography very seriously, and have great sympathy for the offended spouse, but that the church does virtually nothing for the spouse who is left in the lurch because their husband or wife has decided to check out of the relationship. He tells churches:

So here is the bottom line for Christian leaders: Sexual refusal is a common and growing issue. Ignoring it does not mean it does not exist in your church, and being embarrassed about it does not get you off the hook with God. If you don't think it qualifies as sin, I encourage you to do a detailed study of 1 Cor 7:3-7. Can you honestly say Paul did not see sexual refusal as sin?

I completely agree. It is relatively easy for a spouse to go to a pastor and say, "I need help because my husband (or wife) is having an affair." But what would most pastors say if a spouse went to them and said, "my husband (or wife) has refused to have sex with me for months on end." They likely would do virtually nothing, or else would encourage you to examine yourself and see how you can love your spouse more, as if they are placing the blame at your feet.

It is time that all of us–Christians, church leaders, spouses–recognized sexual refusal as a sin. Paul clearly said that spouses have the responsibility to meet their spouse's needs–within reason. I certainly do not believe that if your husband wants sex twice a day you therefore have to make love twice a day. Marriage is compromise! Nor do I believe that if your spouse is demanding weird or kinky sex that you have to do that (and I have had emails saying, "my husband won't have regular intercourse because he only wants X or Y instead.") But there is a certain level of reasonableness that should be met in a marriage. Refusing sex, or only making love extremely rarely, is a serious problem.

Now, if you have a medical reason for this, or if you're still recovering from psychological trauma or abuse, that's a different category. If you are working towards recovery, and you are hoping to resume a healthy sex life, then you are working towards a healthy marriage and that's good. But if you are refusing to work on your issues, even if those issues are one of sexual function, like erectile dysfunction, then you are not living up to God's design for marriage.

What, then, is the recourse for the spouse who is consistently refused? I think Matthew 18:15-16 applies here. There, Jesus says:

15 "If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. 16 But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that 'every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.'

The next verse talks about putting the person out of the church if they don't listen to the church, so obviously this isn't entirely applicable to marriage. But I think the principle is still valid: God said that if someone is sinning, you talk to them about it. If they don't listen, you find a few spiritually mature people to talk with together. You don't tell the whole church. You don't gossip to everyone. But you talk to some spiritually mature people and ask them to sit down with you both as a couple.

To me, this should be the norm when major sins in a marriage are taking place, like verbal abuse, alcoholism, pornography use, adultery, or refusing sex. These are all serious sins that need to be dealt with or the family will fall apart. Unfortunately, often Christians are very leery of dealing with them, because we don't like to get involved in other people's problems. But where, then, does the spouse who is hurting go? What recourse do they have? They don't want a divorce, but they do want some help. If the church doesn't provide it, what will happen to these families?

I was reading the book Rocking The Roles recently, and the authors, Robert Lewis and William Hendricks, were calling for a much more ambitious program of churches coming alongside couples to help in interventions. I think this is a perfect example where such an intervention may be necessary. They were using the example of a man who was overspending and putting the family deeper and deeper into debt while refusing to get a job. And the elders came around him, asked him to sign a contract stating the steps that he would take over the next month to get things under control, and telling him that if he failed in this task, the elders would help the wife separate (not divorce, but separate until he got his finances under control).

Churches have a role to play here. Obviously this is a sticky situation, because a church leader can't barge into a marriage and tell one party to shape up when they've only heard one side of the story. But that's where a mentor couple can be helpful. Maybe you don't talk to the pastor per se, but you do talk to a spiritually mature couple in the church who is willing to sit down with the two of you, listen to both sides of the story, and then help the offended spouse (if they decide that this is a sin of withholding situation) argue their case. Setting up some sort of accountability system would be important here.

For instance, if it were a husband who was refusing sex because he had no sex drive and was diabetic, I would say something like:

Over the next month, you need to agree to talk to a doctor about this, start taking care of your health so that obesity and diabetes is less of an issue, and find ways to show your wife love, even if sex isn't possible yet. You need to be moving towards greater intimacy.

If it was a wife who was refusing sex because she had no sex drive and was too tired, then you may say something like:

Over the next month, you agree to talk to a counsellor about why you don't like sex, to talk with your husband about your schedule and see how you can get more rest, and to find ways to spend more time together as a couple and work on intimacy as you try to rebuild.

Sometimes getting it out in the open, even if just with two other people (and it really should be with a minimum number of people) can inspire a spouse to act. Often people are hesitant because they don't see the importance, or they're embarrassed to talk to a doctor. Having people prod them can spur them on to action.

Other times, however, you need a bigger stick. Is it right to separate (not divorce) if a spouse absolutely refuses sex? I'm not sure. In the vast majority of cases, separation causes incredible hardship on any children involved, and I am very reticent to recommend it just for that reason. God can also be incredibly real to you when you need Him most, and so staying married does not mean that you necessarily will not have joy in your life. God can be that joy.

However, sexual refusal is usually not the only problem. I've spoken to many women lately where the sexual refusal of their husbands is combined with a lack of motivation to work as well as a lack of motivation to work on his health. It's tied up in a number of psychological issues. In this case, I believe a temporary separation where you say to him, "I love you. I want to be your wife. But you must start working and pulling your weight, because I can't look after the children and work full-time and still look after you. This needs to be a partnership," may be a way of shaking some reality into him. I know couples, for instance, where she can't even leave the children with him, but has to hire a baby-sitter, because he won't look after the toddlers. So having him move out would actually be cheaper for her. The separation is not with the goal of divorce; it's with the goal of shocking him into actually working on his problems, instead of enabling him to act in an unChristlike way.

I don't recommend this lightly, and I'm not even sure if I'm right. This is just such a difficult issue. So I would say that if you are in this situation, you need to get counsel from a mentor couple who knows you both in real life. I can't answer all these problems for you because I don't know your unique situation. But God does, and so pray that He will reveal a couple that you can talk to who can come alongside you and plot a course where both you and your spouse can find true intimacy again.

Still 30% off at Amazon!

I can't give you all the answers, only a broad outline of the approach that I would take. But if I can, let me at least validate your feelings. If your spouse is withholding sex, this is wrong.It is so heartbreaking for you. It blocks intimacy. It is not God's design for marriage. And I am sorry you are going through this. I pray that you will find people to talk to who will understand, and who will be able to pray about it and steer you in the right direction.

Don't forget that my book, The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex, is still 30% off! And don't forget Zondervan's contest, open until March 23, where you could win $1000 towards a first–or second–honeymoon! You take a quick, fun quiz, and you're entered. If you haven't taken it yet, details are here.

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Related posts:

When Your Spouse Isn't Interested in Sex: Communicating Your Needs
29 Days to Great Sex Day 26: Rebuilding Your Sex Life
29 Days to Great Sex Day 28: Is Selfishness Undermining Intimacy?