Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 275

Wifey Wednesday: Are You A Better Wife or a Better Mom?

It's Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you follow up either by commenting or by writing your own post and then linking up!

Are you a better wife or a better mother?

Most of us, I would think, would choose "better mother". As soon as our kids are born, it is as if our hearts are walking around outside of our chests. We love them so much, and we want to make sure they know that. We don't want to mess them up. And they're fragile! So they need our love and attention. Our husbands, who are adults, do not. They should be able to fend for themselves, or at least realize that now there are more important relationships to tend to. The men should adjust.

That's a common sentiment. And I think it's wrong.

You cannot be a good mother unless you are first a good wife.

Why? Because the best gift you can give your children is to love their father.

Children from a stable home where parents love each other are more likely to have healthy relationships themselves. They are less likely to use alcohol or drugs as teens. They are less likely to get pregnant before they're married. They're more likely to finish school. They're more likely to hold down a decent job. They're less likely to commit crimes. And they are far more likely to be happy and emotionally secure.

Putting your marriage first is hard, because we love our kids so much and we want to make sure that they know we love them. And if we say no to them in favor of their dad, it feels wrong, as if we are somehow being selfish by prioritizing the marriage. But we're not. We're giving our kids a gift.

Here's what Nicole said a while ago in the comments:

I think society puts so much stress on being a "good mom" that the focus on being a "good wife" is just lost… think about how many parenting magazines are out there… now think about how many wife magazines are out there. I'm not talking Southern Living or anything like that… I mean "how to be a good Christian wife" type magazines.

I don't think I ever really knew what I was doing when I was trying to meet my children's needs and neglecting my husband. I needed a good swift kick in the rear to make me realize it… and that's what I got.

So how do you know if you're prioritizing your kids over your husband?

If you spend your life chauffeuring your kids to extracurricular activities, but have no time or energy to have an occasional date night, or to spend time talking with your husband every night, you may be sacrificing wifehood for motherhood. Your kids don't need to be involved in everything under the sun, even if they're gifted at something. They need a solid family.
If you spend all your energy on your kids, and never take any time to yourself so that you're exhausted by the end of the day, you're giving your kids your best instead of your husband. Your children will survive watching a video or two so you can put your feet up during the day and read a book or relax, to help you get in the right frame of mind later.
If you spend hours trying to get the kids to settle into bed, or if you lay down with them yourself (or get the kids in your bed), so you spend the evening with them, rather than your husband, you may have a problem.

You need time with your husband, even if that means that your children don't have all of your attention. Even if they whine that you want you, and even if they cry. That's what kids do! They whine and cry to get what they want, but kids aren't mature enough to realize that what they really want is two parents who love each other.

I have seen so many marriages that have slowly disintegrated because the kids took all the energy the mom had, and she had little left over for the husband. So many divorces start because the wife spends all her time with the kids, and she crowds her husband out. But it's not just divorce I'm worried about. Listen to this Frustrated Husband, from a recent email:

Here's the thing: I know my wife wants to be the best mom she can be. And she is a wonderful mother in many, many ways. But for someone who wants to be the best role model for our sons and daughter, I think she's giving them an awful blueprint of what marriage is supposed to be like. Our kids don't understand why either of us would ever want to spend time together separate from them. The kids don't see any affection between us, and certainly no flirting. (This is baffling to me, because she was very fun, flirty, and affectionate before we got married.)

I asked her if she wanted our children to save themselves for marriage. Yes, of course, she said. It doesn't matter what we say, they will believe their eyes. They see me sleeping on the couch in the basement. They see her never touching me. They see her uptight and cold. Eventually they will be able to see how sad and lonely I am.

I'm terrified that our boys will grow up thinking, "we better have sex before marriage, because men are only there to be a paycheck/handyman/roommate once you get married." And I worry that my daughter will go into marriage thinking, "I can neglect my husband forever–that's what Mom did. It's normal."

He's right. So let me encourage you to ask yourself today: are you a better mom than you are a wife? If so, you could have a problem, because your kids need you to give them a secure foundation. The Bible tells us to prioritize marriage. We are one with our husbands, not with our children. It is marriage that is the primary relationship.

Here's a bit of a letter that my oldest daughter wrote me last Mother's Day:

"But that is definitely the thing I admire and respect most about you–your relationship with Daddy."

When I was writing The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex, and I started to get the results of my survey regarding how often women were making love, I decided that I had better see what men thought. And I so I surveyed men, too. The comments on that survey were so sad. One man said:

It is not that my wife's refusing sex and ignoring me doesn't bother me. It is just that I have stopped caring.

After years of her putting the kids first, he checked out. I'm not saying he was right to check out; I am just saying that I think it's a natural reaction. Please, ladies, don't let that happen to your marriage. Your husband's needs, and your relationship with him, are vitally important. And if you want to know how to get out of this rut, the book can help! But regardless, please pray through the question: am I sacrificing my marriage for my kids? Because ultimately, your kids don't want you to.

Now it's your turn! How do you prioritize your marriage? Or do you have other advice for us? Write your own Wifey Wednesday post that links back to here, and then leave the link of THAT POST in the Mcklinky below. Thanks!

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Related posts:

Wifey Wednesday: A Rant on Those Who Desert Their Marriages
Wifey Wednesday: When You Think He's a Bad Parent
Wifey Wednesday: When you Don't Discipline the Same Way

Neat Links You May Have Missed

I'm feeling a little under the weather today, so rather than write a long post, I thought I'd post some links to some older posts that are making the rounds on Pinterest right now.

Here's one I really like: What Does It Mean to Pray for Blessing? Do we sometimes pray perhaps for the wrong thing?

Have We Forgotten How to be a Mommy? Things that were considered basic parenting in the 1950s and 1960s and 1970s are now largely ignored.

Sheltering is Not a Bad Word. My response to a guy who was flabbergasted that we would raise our kids without TV and would homeschool.

16 Ways to Flirt with Your Husband. This one's more recent, but it's awfully popular.

Maybe Balance Isn't All It's Cracked Up to Be. Perhaps "balance" is not what we should aim for as homemakers. Maybe purpose is better.

Marriage is for the Long Haul. I guest posted yesterday at One Flesh Marriage explaining one of the biggest lessons about marriage I've learned in our twenty years together.

See? That's six posts and only two have anything remotely to do with sex! So I can write about other stuff.

I know I've been preoccupied with sex since The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex came out, and it's largely because I keep getting emails asking different questions that I do want to deal with. I also really believe in the book, and I'm hoping that more and more of you will purchase it and give it to new brides as gifts as well (thanks to so many of you who have!). But I do think about things other than sex, and for those of you who have joined me on this blog more recently, I thought you may enjoy some of my older thoughts.

Have a great day! I'm going to get some rest.

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Structure vs. Spontanaeity: Sometimes Good Things Need to be Planned

In the book Anne of Green Gables, Anne is forced to apologize to Mrs. Lynde, after telling off said Mrs. Lynde when Mrs. Lynde insulted her by noting that her hair was red. Anne is flabbergasted. How can she apologize when she doesn't mean it? An apology must come from the heart; it can't be forced. It must bubble up from what's really inside.

We feel that way about all sorts of things.

Flowers.
A hand-written note from a child.
Romantic gifts.
Date night.
Even sex.

To be real, these things must be spontaneous. They must flow from the heart, not from calculation or planning. If people have sex because it's in their calendar, it doesn't count. If they buy flowers because they were reminded to, or because they "should", then you don't win brownie points. Romance, love, genuine feelings should all proceed from the feelings of the moment, not from cool calculation when looking at a calendar.

When I'm speaking at marriage conferences, I often make the point that women should tell their husbands exactly when they expect gifts (Valentine's Day, Mother's Day, etc.), and then either give him a list of acceptable gifts, or give him the emails of several of her closest friends to ask. So many women are disappointed by men on holidays, and it seems to me that we should just make our expectations clear.

But this isn't always received well, because the idea is that if it does not spring from the depth of his heart alone, it therefore doesn't matter. "I don't want him to get the right gift," they'll explain. "I want him to study me and love me enough that he would think of getting the right gift."

I understand. I really do. But may I offer another way of looking at it?

When I was 8 years old, my grandmother taught me how to knit. I found it so awkward to hold the needles. And as I knit, I had to repeat to myself: "The bunny goes into the hole. He puts his sweater on. He goes out of the hole, up the street, and around the corner…"

I'm not like that today. Today I can knit without looking at my hands. In fact, I rarely even have to look at a pattern. I can just figure out what's next by looking at the row before it and knowing how to make patterns appear.

That's because I worked at knitting for countless thousands of hours until it became natural, almost an extension of myself. I did it over and over again until I didn't have to think about what my hands were doing. I can watch a movie while I knit and still not miss a stitch (or miss the plot of the movie). But it took concerted effort to get here.

Don't you think relationships may take the same course? When we start out, when we first get married, we don't really know what we're doing. We think we do, but we actually don't understand the other person as well as we think we do. There's a lot of adjustment required.

And sometimes the best way to make those adjustments is to actually plan it. To put things in your calendar. To make lists of ways to be nice to him. As one commenter said on the weekend, even to schedule sex!

This doesn't mean that we don't really love our husbands, and it doesn't mean they don't love us. In fact, it's the opposite. When you put something in your calendar, you're saying, "this is important to me." When you make a list of the things that you're supposed to do, it's because they're so important that you don't want to forget them.

And the more you do this, the more natural it becomes. When we spend scheduled time together, we start to share and talk more. And as we share and talk more, we feel more intimate. We feel closer. We understand each other better–so much so that next time perhaps we won't need to schedule it; it will just happen.

But at different points in the relationship it's important just to say, "I know that we're missing something here, and I want to prioritize our relationship more. So I'm going to start writing things in my daybook. Can you make me a list of the things that I can say to you to make you feel loved? Can you write me a list of gifts you want? Can you write me a list of things that would make you feel special?"

Is it spontaneous? Perhaps not. But it's building intimacy. And once we start to plan it, to make it a priority in our lives, then it will slowly start to become a habit. And then the spontanaeity will come. If sex is a problem in your relationship, try scheduling it! When it becomes more frequent, with less stress associated with it, then it may also grow more spontaneous with time.

So instead of being upset that he isn't romantic enough, or that your love isn't authentic enough, maybe we should ask a more fundamental question: how can we prioritize each other? How can we be more deliberate? Structure is not always the opposite of spontanaeity and authenticity. Sometimes it's just simply the beginning of it.

What do you think? Have you ever had to plan something to make it happen in your relationship? How did that work for you? Let me know in the comments! And don't forget to share on Facebook and Pinterest if you enjoyed this  post!

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Reader Question of the Week: What Should This Frustrated Husband Do?

Every Thursday, I'm going to try to answer a reader question in video format, and do a "vLog". On the weekends, though, I'd like to throw up a question someone sends in and let you readers have a go at it. Last week we talked about menopause and sex, and there's some great resources in the comments!

This week we've got a different type of question, from men this time. I received several emails from men saying almost the same thing, so I'm going to combine two into one to disguise any identifying features, and throw this up for you. What would you say to the men who ask things like this? I get more email like this than any other kind:

My wife is always (a) too tired, (b) not interested, (c) grumpy, or (d) wants to watch TV, do sudoku puzzles, lay in bed with the kids, etc. I swear, sex in our house is like a space shuttle launch! The windows for liftoff are extremely rare, and there is always a reason to postpone.

Honestly, I doubt my wife would even read your blog. When I've tried to get her to read stuff like that, or books in the past, she just snaps back that she "can find stuff on the internet that agrees says [she] is right." She also says her friends make love with their husbands once a month or less, and those guys never complain–very helpful influence, those ladies. (I wish she could hang out with you instead.) I have no idea what to do to make my wife understand how lonely I am. I believe Ephesians 5 that I am to love her, and I try my best to be selfless, but if I am affectionate in any way she pulls away.

Most people would think from the outside that we have a good marriage. We're really involved with the kids; we're really involved at church; I have a good job. But sex is almost non-existent.

I just wish my wife cared, if not for me, at least for our kids and what we're teaching them about marriage.

Just answer in the comments! And if you want to send me a question, the easiest way is through my Facebook Page! You can send direct messages through there. Or you can click the contact button above.

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The Hunger Games are Coming

Welcome, Better Mom readers! Glad you're joining me today. A great place to start is with my 29 Days to Great Sex. Or you can browse 17 ways to keep your physical life exciting, even with kids! Or you can just read my column below.

Every Friday my syndicated column appears in a bunch of newspapers in southeastern Ontario and Saskatchewan. And–gasp!–sometimes I actually write about stuff other than sex. I know lately I've been preoccupied with The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex, but here's this week's column for something different:

Recently I broke one of my cardinal rules. I read novels in the middle of the week.

I created that rule when my children were small. After trips to the library to cart home truckloads of Berenstain Bears books, I'd sometimes stick a book in there for me. But I have a sickness. When I start reading a novel, I can't put it down until I've finished it. Unfortunately, that means ignoring my children and telling them to get their own cereal for lunch. After several episodes of this, I decided I could really only be trusted with novels on vacation.

However, as anyone with teenagers knows, on March 23 The Hunger Games is opening in theatres. And before my kids see the movie (they bought tickets over a week ago), I thought I should read the books.

I hesitated because the plot sounds so horrific. A tyrannical society is run by the "Capitol", a version of ancient Rome where the citizens enjoy massive leisure while the slaves do all the work. And in order to keep the slaves in line, each of the twelve slave districts has to produce two teenagers to compete in the annual "Hunger Games", a gladiatorial like fight to the death contest.

It sounded so brutal I thought there was no way I could enjoy it. But my children, who are far more squeamish than I am, kept saying, "it's not as gross as you think." And so I read them. And they were right.

It is not that the books are not disturbing; they are. And after I see the movie, I'm sure Rue's 4-note song will haunt me. But these books give a realistic depiction of the inner conflicts warring within each of us.

That's why I think these are more profoundly true than other teenage books-turned-movies. Harry Potter is classic good vs. evil, but while it's entertaining, I don't find it as deep. And I have always been uncomfortable with the Twilight series, because it portrays love as obsessive and secretive. A girl who uses Twilight as her measure for what true love is will either be profoundly disappointed, or will end up in a bad relationship and hang on, thinking, "the fact that no one understands our love is proof of how real it is." That's dangerous.

The Hunger Games, on the other hand, present complex human dilemmas. Katniss, the main character, has to rely on herself because she's been betrayed by adults–not just the evil adults who run the government, but even her mother who gave in to depression, leaving Katniss responsible for the family. What do you do when you're in a hopeless situation? How do you keep going and not give in to despair? For many teens, let down by parents or stuck in impossible situations simply because of their age, these are questions they wrestle with.

The third book, though, was actually my favourite because it seemed ripped right from the front pages of the newspapers. When the rebels start to fight The Capitol, you slowly realize that the rebels are tyrannical, too, just in a different way. It's like the poor Poles during World War II: who do you root for—the Soviets or the Nazis? Or what about Egypt? Who should we have rooted for? The military dictator or the Muslim Brotherhood? As Shakespeare said, "A plague on both your houses".

Sometimes the solution to our problems can't come from government, and it can't come from waiting for someone else to save the day. You have to war within yourself to figure out what is right, and live up to your morals, even when the tide is turning against you.

Of course, one can see the movie and read the book just for the riproaring fun of it. Nic, one of my daughter's 14-year-old friends, complained, in the middle of the first book, "Enough with all the kissing. Get back to killing people." That's a perfectly legitimate sentiment. But to me, the series accurately depicted the heart issues of life. And it's a rare author who achieves that.

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Marriage VLog: My Husband Used to be Addicted to Porn

I thought every week I'd post a video of me answering a reader question. So here's one that came through recently, from a new bride with a dilemma:

I need to keep the videos to under 3 1/2 minutes, so it's hard to give a topic a thorough answer. What would you all add? I know she'll be reading, so if you can think of some other great advice, please comment!

If you have a problem with a husband who is involved in porn, see my series here. Or if you have a problem feeling that sex is positive, reread Monday's post! And, of course, The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex deals with both these issues in detail.

Would you like to submit a question? The easiest way is to message me through my Facebook Page. Or send me an email (use the Contact link above).

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Wifey Wednesday: Great Marriage Resources Around the Web!

It's Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you follow up either by commenting or by writing your own post and then linking up!

Lately I haven't stressed the "linking up" part very much because I've had so much to say! I've been running a bunch of series, starting with my 29 Days to Great Sex, and then the launch of The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex, and so today I want to "get back to normal" and write a Wifey Wednesday post! Except this one isn't really normal.

You see, usually I write a long thing on marriage, but I've done that a lot lately (like on Monday; did you read Monday's post about our attitude & marriage success?) What I'd like to do instead is to re-launch Wifey Wednesdays, since we've had a bit of a break. I want these Wednesdays to showcase all the great marriage advice that we have from our readers. I know many of you are bloggers, and many of you have some wonderful thoughts, and when I was first blogging, linking up to these "blog parties" was a great way to find new readers.

So please, if you have a marriage post, link up at the bottom of this post! You just enter the URL of your post, and then on your website put a link back here (or you can copy the picture at the top of this post and put it up).

To get in the spirit of linking, I thought I'd post a variety of marriage things I've found lately that you may find interesting.

1. Prayer Partner Challenge

First, Leigh Ann at Intentional by Grace writes that she really enjoyed Sunday's post on praying with your spouse. And she's doing a similar challenge on her blog! She writes:

We are challenging people to pray daily for their marriage. We are supplying a free prayer prompts ebook, and giving them daily check in opportunities to make their efforts a habit! You can find out more here, or at the  FAQ (gives a much fuller picture and fills in the blanks). The challenge starts April 16th and runs through June 1st.

2. Cwives

I met Jennifer Degler at a retreat our mutual agent was conducting back in 2008. Jennifer is a Ph.D. clinical psychologist who writes a ton about how to make sex sizzle! Cwives stands for "Christian Wives Initiating, Valuing, and Enjoying Sex", and you can check out all her great advice here. I'm hoping to have her guest post here soon!

3. How to Let Your Marriage Burn

Here's a post I pinned on Pinterest! (I've met so many of you from Pinterest; if you're here after originally finding me there, do say hi in the comments!). Anyway, in this post, Jessi shares 10 ways to keep your marriage fresh, including:

6. FLIRT UNAPOLOGETICALLY

Flirting, in essence, is using words and actions to make someone of the opposite sex feel good about themselves.  Don't feel silly, just be sappy and sassy to the extent you feel comfortable.  Simply expound on the feelings you are already feeling–tell your spouse why you think they are amazing, not just that you think they are amazing.  Tell your spouse how you are physically attracted to them.  Tell your spouse how they are intelligent, capable, and competent.  Men like to feel like heros, women like to feel appreciated–so keep that in mind and tell your spouse what he or she likes to hear.  And try to vocalize it as often as you think it.  No one ever gets sick of hearing how amazing they are.

This one reminded me of my post on 16 ways to flirt with your husband! Stop on by to see her other 9!

4. Happy Wives Club

Fawn at the Happy Wives Club has done an amazing job creating a site celebrating being a wife! Too often marriage is spoken of like it's a hassle, and Fawn loves teaching about what's great about marriage. She featured a 3-part interview with me last week, and here's the last one: Laughter: God's Medicine for Marriage.

Incidentally, I was browsing Pinterest last night for Boards labelled "Marriage". A lot of the boards were obviously from Christians, since they had Scriptures all over. And many had those posts everybody pins: 50 ways to show love to your husband; 100 ways to make your marriage shine. I recognized many of those pinners. But then, stuck between them, would occasionally be a board that simply made fun of husbands, like the picture on the right. That really bugs me. If you're on Pinterest, please don't repin insulting things, even if you think they're funny! I think marriage gets too bad a rap, which is why I appreciate what Fawn is doing.

5. Win a First–or Second–Honeymoon!

Have you entered my contest yet? You can win $1000 (or $500) towards a first–or second–honeymoon! There's one contest for Americans, and one for Canadians, so whichever category you're in, you have a better chance of winning than usual. Find out more here.

6. Adult Sibling Rivalry

This one isn't about marriage per se, but I do find that extended family relationships often impact families. Here's a really interesting article from the Wall Street Journal about adult sibling rivalry.

7. A New Way to Look at Proverbs 31

[image error]Has Proverbs 31 always made you feel like a failure? She's a businesswoman. She doesn't sleep. She makes clothes. She cooks. She tends to her family, to the community, to her husband. How can you ever measure up?

My friend Amy Bayliss has written a great Bible study ebook on Proverbs 31 with an entirely new slant that I really appreciated. It empowers, rather than weighs down. And Amy is so transparent and vulnerable when she shares about her own journey, and really grounded in Scripture as she encourages you to go deeper. I highly recommend it!

8. My Favourite Blog Post of the Year

Some of you may know that I had a son with Down Syndrome 16 years ago. He passed away from a heart defect a month after he was born. I miss him still.

Recently a couple went to court to sue a doctor for "wrongful birth", because they would have aborted their daughter had they known.

This mom of a little girl with Down Syndrome replies, "maybe you should sue God?". It's a perfect answer, and an awesome post.

It may not have to do with marriage specifically, but one thing Keith and I found when we were going through Christopher's diagnosis, and illness, and eventual death, was that we had a decision to make. We could either pull together or allow the hardship to tear us apart. The doctor told us right after Christopher died, "We should let you know that half of all couples who go through this divorce within the year." What an incredibly stupid thing to say at the time. But we decided we had already lost a son; we certainly were not going to lose each other.

Raising a special needs child has its own difficulties, but as this mom shows, the joys are there in abundance, too. For those of you who are living this, I pray that your marriage will be strengthened and that you will pull together, not apart.

Now, those are my links for the week. I want Wednesday to be link day, although usually I'll be writing a post of my own. But for today, let's LINK! So what advice do you have for us today? Write your own Wifey Wednesday post that links back to here, and then leave the link of THAT POST in the Linky below. Thanks!

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How Much Do You Want to Talk to Your Mother About Sex?

One of my greatest fears, when writing The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex, was "what am I going to do when the first bad reviews start coming in?"

Well, it's happened, and it didn't bother me one bit! Here's the first 2-star review, in its entirely, from Amazon:

Still 30% off at Amazon!

I really didn't like this book and didn't even finish it. I started reading it at the advice of Candace Cameron on twitter because I really like her and trust her but now I really wish I hadn't. I just found it to be a little too raunchy, explicit, and graphic for me. Way too much info on different sex positions and different ways to reach climax or to help your spouse reach climax. Definitely not a book I would recommend for young virginal girls. Let them talk to their mothers about it rather than reading such explicit stuff from a supposedly Christian book. Although the author did reference a few Scriptures I didn't find a whole lot to be Godly or biblical about it except for the fact that she does speak very poorly against porn. She talked a lot about people who didn't wait until marriage to have sex, too.

Deciding how graphic to make it was a difficult call. I didn't want to scare off the virgins, but I also wanted to write something that would actually be helpful. I think I found a good balance, but I'll have to leave it to readers to decide.

Second, yes, I mention that not everyone waits until marriage. Do you know why I do that? It's because not everyone waits until marriage.  In the surveys I conducted for my book (which many of you filled out; thank you very much!), I found that only roughly 40% of women who are now Christians were virgins on their wedding night. And I wanted to write the book for ALL good girls: not just those who had made the right choices, but also for those who hadn't always chosen well, but who now wanted to live their lives according to God's plan. Isn't that the message of the gospel?

So this review didn't bother me a bit.

But it did get me thinking about something. She said that we should ask our mothers for this information, but quite frankly, do you really want to?

That picture at the top of this post is me and my oldest daughter. Rebecca is a lovely girl, and we talk about sex quite a bit. We talk about how it's good in marriage. We talk about how God made it to be beautiful. We talk about how girls who give themselves away early (and many of her friends have) are opening themselves up for a world of heartache. We talk about what guys think about sex. We talk about how my husband and I really love each other and have fun together.

But while we've gone over the basics, we've never really gotten into the true mechanics of how to make it feel good. And I certainly have not told her about the details of my sex life with her father.

It seems to be a universal trait that we would all prefer not to picture our parents making love. It just isn't something we want to think about in detail–though I do think it's good for your teens to know that you enjoy sex and that you and your husband have fun!

In fact, I'm not even sure I'm going to encourage my girls to read my book when they're older, because I do have a lot of personal stories in it, and they may prefer not to think of their father and me like that. I'll let them make that call when they're engaged. In the meantime, I'm scouting for godly women that I can direct them to so that they can ask real questions. Because even though I am perfectly comfortable talking about it, I think it's natural for most of us to want to talk to people other than our mothers about the real nitty gritty of how sex works. World Magazine, and several of the other reviews on Amazon, said I was "like a big sister", and that sounds better to me.

So I'm wondering what you think. Am I wrong? Should we get most of our sex information from our mothers? Even if your mother was willing and open to talk about it, would you want to? What do you think the boundaries between mothers/daughters should be? Let me know in the comments!

Oh, and if you have read the book: pretty, pretty please, can you rate it on Amazon and Barnes and Noble? You don't have to be a special reviewer to do so. Anybody can rate it! Thank you so much!

UPDATE: Now there's another bizarre 2-star one from someone who hasn't even read the book. If you could help me out and rate it and then write a sentence or two, that would be so wonderful, because bookstores use the number of ratings and the reviews to determine whether or not to order the book in. So the more people who rate it, the more chance it has of making it to bookstore shelves! Thank you!

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Marital Success is a Matter of Attitude

When I got married, I adored my husband. I was sure he was the right man for me. He was my best friend. He was funny. He loved and protected me.

But marriage didn't end up being what I was anticipating. I wanted my husband to love me for me, and it seemed that when we didn't make love he got ticked off. And so I started challenging all my assumptions. I figured that Keith really didn't love me–or at least he didn't love me enough. And I thought that God was supremely unfair, because he made sex to be so fun for guys, but not for women. And then He made men want it all the time! Not just that, but He said that it was our responsibility to actually meet our husband's needs. I figured people had been lying to me my whole life. Love wasn't really possible, because it was conditional on sex. And I got really sad.

I was in that funk, off and on, for about three or four years. And then, gradually, the funk faded. It wasn't just because sex got better. It wasn't just because we got better at working out our problems. It was because I decided that I didn't want to be miserable in my marriage. I wanted to be happy. And it seemed to me that the only way to be happy was to start believing that the good things that I had heard about marriage and sex were true. Instead of questioning God, I turned the tables and started questioning my own experience.

This is true in many areas of marriage, not just sex. Ultimately, we need to believe that marriage is for our good, that God blesses marriage, that we can be happy, that following God's precepts does make one more peaceful. But these are matters of belief–of faith.

If you feel that your husband doesn't love you or talk to you enough, for instance, you can focus on that and become depressed and resentful. Or you can focus on God's command to love and respect your husband, and to find your peace in God. And when we start to do that, often our marriage changes. When you start to act out love, the feelings often return.

The turning point in many marriages comes when a person decides to listen to God and believe. In other words, and this is so important:

The success of your marriage depends far more on what you believe about God than on how you feel about each other.

When you believe that God wants the best for you; when you believe that God created sex to be physically wonderful and spiritually intimate; when you believe that God will always be enough for you, even if you feel lonely in your marriage, then things get better.

The converse is also true:

Often the reason that we struggle in marriage is not because there is something wrong with our spouse, but because we don't actually believe God's promises.

Now obviously there are exceptions to this. If your spouse is abusive, or is having an affair, or is addicted to pornography, simply believing "God loves marriage, and if I cling to that these problems will disappear" is not going to help–although believing that God can give you strength and can be the source of your ultimate peace can help you take the right steps and seek the right counsel on what you should do.

But with many marriage problems, the issue is one of attitude far more than it is anything else. You're believing things about your spouse, about sex, about marriage that aren't true.  When you can get your attitude in check, often the marriage starts to improve.

Let's take sex, for example. I have always felt uncomfortable reading some marriage books, and especially some popular ones, that say something like, "to keep him from straying, you just need to make love a lot", and "you are responsible to meet his needs. Your body belongs to him." Are these things true? Yes. But I think the authors are often misdiagnosing the problem. When a woman is truly hurting, and feels that sex is dirty, or it's not pleasurable, or believes  it's all for him, then telling her "God says you have to make love all the time" isn't a message that is going to help her have a rich sex life. It may be a message that makes her "do it" more often, but she'll likely still trapped in the same hopeless attitude, and grow even more resentful. And her husband will feel like she's just placating him, not that she actually wants him.

I think there's another road–the one that worked for me. And it challenges you to this:

Do you really believe in God's goodness? Do you really believe that what God created is good? Do you believe that God intends you for pleasure, intends you to experience deep love and intimacy? He said He did, and it's now up to you to either believe Him, or to reject Him.

When we frame it into an issue of faith in God, it takes on a new meaning. We're looking at the problem with the attitude, not a problem with the action. Actions, you see, flow out of attitudes, and if our attitudes aren't in line with what God said, our actions won't conform, either.

Yesterday, in church, our pastor was talking about The Battlefield of the Mind, and reminding us of 2 Corinthians 10:5, which says:

We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

When it comes to marriage, your ultimate guide shouldn't be your experience. It should be what God says.

I'm not saying that your husband is perfect. No one is. The question is, do you want to focus on the negative, or do you want to focus on the positive? Of course, confronting is certainly part of a healthy marriage. But confronting is about making the marriage stronger, not tearing down another person. It focuses first on God's aim for your marriage, which is an intimate connection.

When you start aiming for that and believing that, change happens.

When you start despairing about your marriage, can you take that thought, hold it up to God, and ask, "what's your perspective here? What are the promises you have given me?" When you start having really ugly thoughts about sex, can you take those, and hold them up to God, and say, "what do you say about sex? What do you say about whether it's good or not?"

Sometimes God's promises don't seem real because we haven't experienced them. But that doesn't mean they aren't real. It just means that often we CAN'T experience them until we first BELIEVE them. Marriage success is a matter of faith.

I understand that many of you are lonely. I understand that many of you are resentful, and desperate, and angry. I understand that for many of you, your marriage isn't going well right now. When I wrote The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex, I tried to write it thinking about women just like you. Many of you are really hurting, and you don't want to be just told "you're sinning". You want to be told that there is hope that things can get better, and that God wants beauty for you, because He does.

So that's what I did. I wrote a book that says, "God has something so amazing for you. You may not see how you're going to get there, but believe it, walk in it, and then it will come." But it's a matter of faith.

This week, when you start to feel down, or resentful, or bitter, take those thoughts captive. Look at them, and ask, "what is God's truth here?" Then act on His truth, not on your feelings. I truly believe that that is the key to marriages turning around.

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Related posts:

Marriage Really Does Matter
The Heart of the Matter
Wifey Wednesday: Sometimes It's Just Tough

Beautiful Email: Pray with Your Husband

I received this note in part of an email from reader Carol, who is 64 years old and has been married for 45 years to "her best friend". She writes:

My #1 suggestion for strengthening a marriage:

My husband and I pray together when we wake up in the morning and when we go to bed. We do it in bed. It will bless your heart when you hear your spouse pray for you by name and pray for something that is happening in your life.

One of our assistant ministers told us about this when we were taking a Bible Study course from her. We have been praying together like this for over ten years. When my husband told me that I had morning, I thought it was a conspiracy against me! I have learned to be more of a morning person because I take this task as an important one.

He prays at night. If he has already gone to sleep before me, he turns over when I turn out my light, grabs my hand & starts praying. We hold hands when we pray be it in church, at meals or during our prayer time together. We do not miss very many days or nights of praying together, praying for each of our family members by name, but the sweetest part is when he mentions my name. I also learn what he is concerned about: work, health, friends, etc. when he mentions them in his prayers. This act of praying together for our children, grandchildren, aging parents and concerns about our life along with praises for what the Lord has done that day has strengthen our marriage in such a way that I cannot imagine. Sometimes it is still difficult to wake up and pray at 6 AM, but very much worth it.

We have been married 45 years. Our grown daughters know we pray for them, their spouses and children daily, and that is powerful.

That's beautiful. I have nothing to add.

If you liked that email, can you hit the share buttons on Facebook, Pinterest, or Twitter below? And don't forget about my contest for The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex, where you could win $1000 towards a first–or second–honeymoon! The contest ends March 23.

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Related posts:

Teaching Kids to Pray: The Five Finger Method
When I Find it Hard to Pray as a Family….
What Does it Mean to Pray for Blessing?