Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 12
March 3, 2022
PODCAST: How Much Sex Have We Rescued? Plus Elizabeth Fisher Good
So Rebecca and i want to talk about what we’ve rescued and how it’s been rescued–plus Elizabeth Fisher Good joins us to talk about fighting sex trafficking.
Browse all the Different Podcasts
See the Last “Start Your Engines” (Men’s) Podcast
Or, as always, you can watch on YouTube:
Timeline of the Podcast
0:50 Knix bras have changed Sheila’s life!
3:30 Happy birthday to us!
8:10 Joanna joins with her thoughts
13:30 Encouragement from the book’s readers/sales
20:00 What surprised us?
30:00 Our visions for the future
34:45 Interview with Elizabeth Fisher Good
55:40 Closing Encouragement
Like seriously love them. They fit amazingly well; they're so comfortable. They look better than my underwire bras, but there is no underwire! I bought three over Christmas and NEVER wear my underwire ones anymore.
I'm an affiliate for Knix, and when you buy their bras or underwear or clothing I get a percentage. I want to make enough to start paying to transcribe this podcast! And I'm only promoting stuff I absolutely love myself.
Check them out in the U.S.! Check them out in Canada! Main Segment: We’re Celebrating The Great Sex Rescue!Rebecca and I talk about what delighted us, what surprised us in the last year since The Great Sex Rescue was out, and what we hope for the future (as in we’d love for the book to be obsolete in ten years because all the harmful teachings have been eradicated!).
And I share how the saddest moment for me in 2021 was the publication of Married Sex. Gary Thomas read The Great Sex Rescue a year before it came out, and he read it while he was writing his book.
And he used so ), to make him seem healthy. But then the anecdotes and teachings said the opposite. So he’d say that porn is bad, but then he’d tell an encouraging story of a woman who sent nude photos so that “neurologically” her husband would be drawn to her nude body instead of other women’s nude bodies. Like really? And he’d say how obligation sex is bad, but then he’d say that sex should feel like a sacrifice, as if you’re feeding a newborn baby.
So we felt like we taught him how to sell toxic ideas using “safe” language that dresses it up.
That’s why we still have more work to do. Many in the Christian marriage space don’t get it yet (in fact, of all the marriage bloggers I used to hang around with and guest post for and vice versa, only Ngina Otiende from Intentional Today gets it. Everybody else is still supporting Love & Respect type teaching). (See our podcast featuring Ngina!).
What if you're NOT the problem with your sex life?What if the messages that you've been taught have messed things up--and what if there's a way to escape these toxic teachings?
It's time for a Great Sex Rescue. Buy it on Amazon! Where Else Can I Buy It? What Can We Do to Fight Sex Trafficking?Elizabeth Fisher Good is simply an amazing woman. She spent years building up a foundation that helped fight sex trafficking in the United States and helped rescue those trapped, and now she’s also turned to creating church curriculum to help churches recognize sex trafficking and stop the underlying messages that contribute to the problem.
She’s adamant about defeating shame in the church that makes us push these things underground. I love her passion, and check her out at Free with E!
Things Mentioned in This Podcast:The Great Sex Rescue! Pick one up for yourself, or buy one for someone who works with couples and can get the word out. We need your help to keep up the momentum!Support this podcast by purchasing Knix products, either in the U.S. or CanadaElizabeth Fisher Good and Free with E!Our articles this week on how men can fix their sex lives, and who believed the toxic teachings moreOur issues with the book Married Sex
How can we raise awareness about sex trafficking? And how are you celebrating the one year anniversary of The Great Sex Rescue? What’s most encouraging to you? Let’s talk in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila is determined to help Christians find BIBLICAL, HEALTHY, EVIDENCE-BASED help for their marriage. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts What Kids Teach Us about God; The Reason Sex Gets Messed Up; And Plagiarism!Feb 25, 2022 | 34 Comments
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The post PODCAST: How Much Sex Have We Rescued? Plus Elizabeth Fisher Good appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
March 2, 2022
A Birthday Present for The Great Sex Rescue!
Exactly a year ago today it hit the shelves (and hit Amazon!), and it’s been quite the ride.
Based on our study of 20,000 women, The Great Sex Rescue was written to turn the Christian world on its head. We identified four big teachings in evangelicalism that harmed sex and marriage for women (we found others, but the book focused on these four):
A woman is obligated to have sex when her husband wants itA woman should have frequent sex with her husband to keep him from watching pornAll men struggle with lust; it’s every man’s battleBoys will push girls’ sexual boundariesThen we found where these messages have been pushed–in what books, and by which authors and speakers–and were able to show how they got so widespread.
And we had so much data on the effect on women’s orgasm rates, marital satisfaction, arousal levels, libidos, and even rates of sexual pain (since evangelical women suffer from sexual pain at twice the rate of the general population).
Joanna, one of my co-authors, called it a public health intervention.When this much measurable harm is being done, and we have a solution, then we’re actually doing far more than teaching couples how to have great sex. We’re actually addressing public health issues.
What Has Encouraged Me Since The Great Sex Rescue Launched?1. The stories I get from you all everyday. They’re amazing.I can’t open Instagram without at least five messages everyday from people who have read the book and found it so encouraging. The most common words I hear are “validating” and “freeing.”
I’ve always said The Great Sex Rescue is so similar to the story of The Emperor’s New Clothes. We’ve been told lies by the powers that be for so long about sex. And yet few have spoken up because it looks like everyone else agrees, and we’re the odd ones out.
Well, Rebecca, Joanna and I gave everyone permission to say, “The Emperor Has No Clothes!”
Thank you for your stories! They mean the world to me.
2. It sold as well in January and February of this year as it did in March and April of last year–which is pretty amazing!The book has sold really, really well, and we’ve had a mini-resurgence lately! In January, during a sale, we even got up to #19 on Kindle, so high that there was only one Harry Potter book above us for a time.
3. Counselors and Pastors are Using itI hear from women everyday who say that either their counselor recommended the book. People send me YouTube videos where their pastor mentioned the book in a sermon.
I’ve Zoomed in to some graduate classrooms in counseling programs to talk to the students, and I’ll be speaking at some Christian Universities next year to their counseling students. We’ve heard from seminaries that have even changed their textbooks and curriculum after reading The Great Sex Rescue!
One of the reasons we wanted so many respondents for our women’s survey was that we wanted to dig down deep into the data on vaginismus, so we needed a big enough population group that we’d find enough women who had suffered from it. And we did.
We presented at the American Physical Therapy Convention last month, and we’re working with a physiotherapy department (we even have grad students helping us!) to get our work published in peer review.
5. Our Dataset is Now on the Archives of Religious Data (ARDA)The American portion of our dataset is live, so reporters can use our frequency numbers in stories and academics can use our data in their own papers. That’s really neat to be contributing to further knowledge.
What Has Surprised Me Since The Great Sex Rescue was Published?1. So many men are reading The Great Sex Rescue!We pictured this book as a book for women. But so many of the reviews on Amazon are from men! Just yesterday I had two Instagram messages from guys:
The great sex rescue was an amazing book. I read it twice, took notes, and trying to live it out. This posting was for me. I have deconstructed so much of what I was taught and believed. It will take time but I hope in time my wife can forgive me and find joy in sex the way God intended. Your work stopped an unhealthy cycle years long and now there can be healing and joy. I know you meet resistance. Please don’t give up your fight. You reached me. And now my boys will learn what we should all know about this area. I am so happy. Thank you. I continue to follow your work to keep focused on the truth. Another man said that his ex-wife had introduced him to the book. He explained why his marriage failed (I’m not going to include that part of the letter), but the generic gist of it is this:I’m glad because I’ve learned so many amazing things. Empathy is soaring. I have been radically impacted by these teachings and believe this book to be a turning point. Thank you so so much.
I’m mad because I came to the realization that I never gave my ex a fighting chance. Sex was a point of contention and obligation was the weapon of choice.
I wish to God I had this book 20 years ago. I feel like I have some apologizing to do in my near future
I’m so glad we’re helping men too!
There’s been a news embargo on the bookI guess I was naive, but I truly thought that with a survey of 20,000, the Christian news media would cover it. But we did our darndest, and there’s been hardly a peep. And the big names have not responded publicly. We’ve had lawsuit threats; we’ve been blacklisted from conferences; we’ve had people go behind our backs to complain to organizations that we’re affiliated with. But nobody has talked about our book publicly.
It’s interesting, because our sales figures are similar (not quite as high, but similiar) to The Making of Biblical Womanhood and Jesus and John Wayne, which are both talked about everywhere. But our book isn’t being talked about, except by word of mouth. We’re selling well, but it’s only because individuals are noticing.
That’s why we need you. YOU are the key.
What Can You Do to Help?I feel like our book is like that 1980s Faberge shampoo commercial:
This book has sold so well only because of word of mouth. Other people have told other people. They’ve tagged me and my page on social media. They’ve put links to the book in comments on Focus on the Family’s Facebook Page; on other people’s posts when they’re talking about problems; on posts when people are looking for suggestions.
They’ve asked their women’s group to go through our free 8 week video study; they’ve gone to their church and asked them to remove harmful books from the church library. They’ve spoken up.
We want our book to be obsolete in ten years–even five years! We want no one to ever need this book again, because it will have done its job–gotten rid of the toxic messages about sex in the evangelical world.
We’re not there yet.
But as the most recent review on Amazon said:
This book will help bring about a new sexual reformation, if we allow it. And we need it.
We need that sexual reformation!So here’s what I’m asking you to do:
Here’s the big ask–TODAY, buy The Great Sex Rescue for someone!1. Buy it for you if you haven’t read it already!You may think you’ve heard it all being on this blog and listening to the Bare Marriage podcast, but believe me–there is a punch to the book that you wouldn’t believe. It’s so validating. It’s so freeing. You need to read it for yourself.
AND this one is so important to keep that word of mouth going–
2. Buy it for someone else!Buy it for your pastor, your counselor, or someone else who frequently recommends marriage materials for Christians. Or buy it for the woman you know who knows everybody. We all know someone like that–someone who is the focal point in the community, that everybody has on their Facebook friends. Buy it for her!
That sexual reformation has already begun. The spark has been lit. Now let’s fan the flame!It’s up to all of us, together. The church leaders and media leaders don’t want to disrupt the status quo, because there’s too much money and power involved. But the strength has always been in numbers. So spread it around, and let’s free others from the terrible teachings that have held them back!
And thank you for making this year an amazing ride for all of us. We appreciate you. We’re excited to see what the next year brings!
What if you're NOT the problem with your sex life?What if the messages that you've been taught have messed things up--and what if there's a way to escape these toxic teachings?
It's time for a Great Sex Rescue. Buy it on Amazon! Where Else Can I Buy It?How has The Great Sex Rescue affected you this year? Is it making a dent in your community? Let me know!
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila is determined to help Christians find BIBLICAL, HEALTHY, EVIDENCE-BASED help for their marriage. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts PODCAST: What Guys Can Do If They’ve Messed Up Their Sex LivesFeb 24, 2022 | 54 Comments
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The post A Birthday Present for The Great Sex Rescue! appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
March 1, 2022
Who Believed the Toxic Sex Teachings More: Husband or Wife?
I often get accused of hating men, but that’s actually not the case. What I hate are the common teachings in the evangelical church that hurt sex and marriage for women.
Tomorrow is the one year anniversary of when The Great Sex Rescue was published, and I’ll be talking more about that tomorrow and on the podcast. But one of our book theses that we were testing in our study of 20,000 women was this: could it be that women’s sex lives are being detrimentally affected not because of anything their husbands are necessarily doing, but because of the things that women have been taught?
In other words, what if our evangelical culture is hurting women and hurting couples and even hurting men–and it’s not because men are bad guys at all?
Just because a woman has a negative view of sex does not mean that her husband necessarily did anything wrong (although obviously in many marriages this is the case). And if her husband didn’t do anything wrong, then he also can be one of the biggest tools in God’s arsenal that can bring healing to women in this area!
And indeed, that’s what our focus groups for women over and over found. So many women reported that they healed from negative messages because their husbands patiently convinced them and modeled to them that the teachings weren’t true.
No, they aren’t obligated to give him sex.
Yes, her consent matters.
Yes, her pleasure matters.
No, he won’t die without sex (or won’t feel unloved; or won’t be able to function).
No, all men don’t lust.
No, it’s not her fault if he watches porn (and he is capable of not watching porn too!)
And so on. And so on.
Yesterday on Instagram I wanted to take a closer look at who believed these toxic messages more, and who they affected more.We identified four big toxic teachings in The Great Sex Rescue (though there were others), and I’ve spent much of the last year and a half addressing those teachings and showing a more positive, Jesus-centered way of looking at sex and marriage.
So I asked:
Okay, the teachings affected her more. But how much did people believe them?
I started with: When you got married, how much did you believe toxic teachings?Here’s what the women said, on average (I know it’s a smiley face, but that’s just the way Instagram works!)
What about men–how much did they believe the toxic teachings? As you can see–much less than the women!
Many were still affected by these teachings, but women were disproportionately affected. And that means that men have a special role to play in helping the healing of their marriages, as we talked about yesterday.
That’s really what The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex is about–how guys can help their wives experience great sex from the beginning, and can make sure that none of these toxic teachings takes root.So many women yesterday told me how much their husbands had helped, and how much the toxic stuff really wasn’t their husbands’ faults.
When I asked specifically about the obligation sex message, here’s what several women said:
When I was growing up, I very much believed it! Ironically I heard it from both the church and the world in equal measure. But once I met my husband and we got engaged and then got married, he begin the hard work of helping me unlearn so much of that trauma! On our honeymoon he told me time and time again that we absolutely did not have to have sex until I was ready, no matter how long it took. Hearing the sincerity in his voice as he said we didn’t have to have sex was the biggest turn on and was ultimately what did it for me!
There’s a guy who got it right from the start! Think of what a better trajectory their marriage is on because of that! (And we have a long chapter on how to do the honeymoon well so that you set yourself up for a great start!).
Or there’s this woman:
I was shocked/am shocked to discover that a lot of this was in my own head and not what my husband thought/felt at all. We’ve been married about a decade and he recently told me he doesn’t think of sex as penis in vagina and that he would love to try other things but I never seemed interested. Wish I had opened up this communication earlier. I had so much shame and felt so defensive I was not open to this kind of discussion before. Little did I know he has a healthier view of sex than I do!
Several women agreed that it was their own views of sex that were messing things up:
Interestingly enough, my husband was shocked when I shared with him my false belief about obligation sex and how I felt like being available and initiating sex often (even when I didn’t want it) would help him. I realize I was short changing him. I have full confidence in his fidelity, always have. But I wasn’t acting as though as I did. As soon as I ditched this toxic belief our sex life and marriage improved dramatically.
And, yes, some men are also realizing that change needs to come!And many guys who HAVE had some of these toxic views are also seeing that it was wrong, and they can change things, like this comment that came into the blog this morning:
I’ve been wanting to write to you for awhile. The great sex rescue was an amazing book. I read it twice, took notes, and trying to live it out. This posting was for me. I have deconstructed so much of what I was taught and believed. It will take time but I hope in time my wife can forgive me and find joy in sex the way God intended. Your work stopped an unhealthy cycle years long and now there can be healing and joy. I know you meet resistance. Please don’t give up your fight. You reached me. And now my boys will learn what we should all know about this area. I am so happy. Thank you. I continue to follow your work to keep focused on the truth.
God is bringing so much healing!But the healing starts when we recognize that some things have been harmful. That doesn’t mean we’re calling men evil–in many cases they’re the ones bringing the healing!
We just have to be free to call out harm where we see it, without getting defensive, because that’s the only way that change can come: with humility and truth. I’m so excited to see so many people finding healing (and seriously–just read the reviews on Amazon for The Great Sex Rescue to see that!). And I hope the new Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex and revamped Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex can help couples get it right, from the beginning. Wouldn’t that be a beautiful thing?
The All New Guides to Great Sex!Launch March 15!
Imagine building a great sex life--from the ground up!What would it look like to build a picture of sex that was MUTUAL, INTIMATE, and PLEASURABLE FOR BOTH--with no harmful messages?
Welcome to the The Good Guy's Guide to Great Sex and the ALL NEW Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex. Pre-Order Now! (Helps us out a ton)And if you email your receipt, we'll send you a special pre-order BONUS
Pre-Order Now Email Us Your ReceiptWhat do you think? Who did the teachings affect more in your marriage? Let’s talk in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila is determined to help Christians find BIBLICAL, HEALTHY, EVIDENCE-BASED help for their marriage. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts What Happens when Men Believe the Obligation Sex Message?Feb 23, 2022 | 47 Comments
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The post Who Believed the Toxic Sex Teachings More: Husband or Wife? appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
February 28, 2022
How Can Men Fix Their Sex Lives if They’ve Gone Downhill?
Like many of you probably did, I spent much of the weekend watching the invasion of Ukraine by Russia unfold on social media. There were some heartwarming and inspirational moments with the bravery of ordinary Ukrainians. There were some funny moments with people the world over letting Russia know how they feel.
And then there were the very sad moments–seeing the utter destruction for no good reason; the residential buildings hit; the fires and environmental disasters; and of course the loss of life.
I think the image that sticks with me the most, though, is some of the faces of the bewildered Russian soldiers who were captured, many of them no older than 20.
These poor kids–for that is what they are–had no idea why they were there. They didn’t want to fight Ukrainians. They were told they’d be welcomed. And they didn’t know what to do.
The video of one in particular being allowed to call his mom was just very touching.
Sometimes we get caught up in destruction that is not of our own making.Those soldiers didn’t declare war on Ukraine. They were trapped in a situation that others had set in place.
Something very similar is going on with a lot of couples and their sex lives.
Things are not going well. Things may even be destructive. But at the same time, everyone’s kind of bewildered. We don’t know how we got here. And we have no idea how to get out. We started this conversation on last week’s podcast about the negative messages that men may have believed, and i want to continue it today.
The two big ways that sex lives can go downhill without you meaning to hurt anyoneLet me say: sometimes sex can deteriorate because one person is deliberately entitled and selfish. Or maybe he (and I’ll talk about mostly men here since I want to talk about how men can fix this) has a pornified style of relating and has treated her like an object. These scenarios are very real and very painful, but that’s not what I want to deal with today.
I want to talk about the other common scenario that leads to that look that the 19-year-old Russian boy had of bewilderment and defeat: sometimes you can just be following orders, doing what you’re told to do, and it ends very, very badly. And that can happen in two ways:
He believes the messages about sex that the evangelical church has taught about his need for sex and his entitlement to sexShe believes the messages about sex that the evangelical church has taught about her obligation to give him sex–and he inadvertently reinforces themIn The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex we explain how both of these scenarios can happen, and we spend chapters 5 and 6 and chapters 12-14 helping men navigate them. There’s much to say–but I’ll focus on just a few thoughts today.
The key thing I want you to notice about what sends them down the wrong path is that one of them (or even both of them) might actually believe what they’ve been taught. And you know what? It’s not wrong to believe what you’ve been taught. It’s natural. It’s good even. You read books to help you be a good wife or a good husband. You want to learn what a God-honouring marriage looks like.
But unfortunately, as we showed in The Great Sex Rescue, most of our evangelical resources about sex and marriage are filled with harmful messages about sex. And if those messages are internalized–ideas like she is obligated to give him sex when he wants it, or she has to have sex to stop him from watching porn–that will have negative effects on their sex life.
What happens when he believes these messages?
Sex may start out great! They both may be enjoying themselves, and sex may seem fun.
But as time goes on, and sex becomes less frequent because of regular life, he starts to feel angry. She’s not giving him what he needs and what he’s entitled to, and so now he can’t function (the books say a variety of things, like he can’t feel loved; he can’t be motivated at work; he can’t resist porn; he can’t resist lusting). She seems to deliberately be trying to make life difficult for him by withholding what is so easy for her to give.
She senses all of what he’s feeling, and starts to build up great resentment towards him and towards sex. She feels like he is just using her and doesn’t really care about her, and feels distinctly unloved.
Another common scenario is that sex never really started out that great–for her that is. They never figured out her orgasm piece, or sex may even have hurt. But he didn’t realize that this was his responsibility to figure out, or that this was even that important. He’d been told that what she needed was emotional connection, and she didn’t really care about sex. So he continues to want sex frequently, even though it does nothing for her, solidifying in her mind that she is not a sexual being and that sex is an imposition.
What happens when she believes these messages?
Sex becomes a very stressful thing from the start. She counts the days and makes sure they never go more than 72 hours without sex. If he asks her if she wants to tonight, she always says yes, because she doesn’t want to let him down (after all, Gary Thomas in Married Sex says that “no” can cause him to feel rejected at the very core of his identity). He often thinks it’s amazing that they’re getting sex so often (or else he just tries to keep up with her even though he doesn’t even want sex every 72 hours!).
They may or may not ever figure out her orgasm piece, but even if they do, it starts happening less frequently because she starts to worry about whether or not he’s going to want it tonight. She may even find herself going to be early, before she wants to, to try to head off any advances. She starts pushing him away earlier in the day, hoping he won’t proposition her tonight. Sex feels like a big obligation that is all about him, and she starts to resent him for it.
In both cases, sex has become a huge obligation to her that is all about him–even if he never intended that to happen.
The only way out of this is to stop sex being an obligation for her.She has to know that she is free to say no with no negative repercussions. That means:
He has to not see a rejection of sex as a rejection of himself.Gary Thomas portrayed this attitude as normal in his book Married Sex, as he quotes a man saying:
“Being sexually desired means I’m accepted and appreciated and that someone wants me. The way my brain works, if my wife doesn’t want me sexually, then she doesn’t want me period—and that makes me feel alone and rejected. It affects my identity.”
Gary Thomas and Debra FiletaMarried Sex
Look, obviously being rejected is not a nice experience. But this should not affect your identity if it happens occasionally. If sex is someone’s identity, that is not because of their brain. That is more often because they have not learned to express and feel real intimacy apart from sex, which is likely the root of the problem in the first place.
If he could learn to experience true intimacy outside the bedroom, then sex could be the culmination of that intimacy, rather than a replacement for intimacy. His entire identity (and his ability to do well at work, and to do well at life) cannot rest on whether or not she has sex with him one night. If it does, then he should likely see a licensed counselor.
This does not mean that sex is not important; but a healthy marriage is a precursor to a healthy sex life, and those who feel great intimacy outside the bedroom are far more likely to be satisfied with their lives inside the bedroom. Sex should not be where all of our emotional needs are met, and even though this is what they both have been taught, this is not actually a sign of psychological health, but is rather a sign that something is wrong.
Again, sex can bring you together, can help you bond, can lower stress levels, can leave you feeling blissful. But if it’s your identity, then there is a misplaced emphasis that will distort the relationship.
They both have to let go of the idea that his need for sex outweighs any of her needs.In the church, we’ve been told that his need for sex outweighs her need for healing postpartum, or for rest, or for just about anything else. She’s been told that sex should be a sacrifice, like feeding your newborn in the middle of the night (again, from Married Sex).
Kevin Leman in Sheet Music told her that to be obedient, she had to have sex no matter what every 48-72 hours for the rest of her life, even if she felt forced.
If she cannot truly say no, she will never be able to say yes.
Her libido will ultimately plummet, and her sexual response will disappear. And sexual pain may even be her story.
Specific Steps to Let Go of the Obligation Sex MessageJust a few ideas of how to reset the dynamic with sex. See if any resonate, and talk to your spouse about what would make them feel safest (and you don’t need to use all of these!):
Prove to her that she can say no whenever she wants with no consequences–even if you’re in the middle of intercourse. We talked with so many women who finally became orgasmic after they started saying no when they genuinely didn’t want to.Take a sex fast for a few weeks, or even a few months, where you just build your emotional connection.Take a sex fast from HIS orgasm, but not necessarily from hers. If sex has been entirely about his orgasm for years, take a few weeks or months when it’s just about hers, so you figure out how her body works.Decide that for the next month or two, she will NEVER initiate. That way she doesn’t have to feel like she’s counting the days or wondering if he wants something.Talk about what freedom looks like to her–how can he act if she says no to show that he’s okay?For a much more in-depth look at how to work these out, please see The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex, or my post 5 ways to get rid of the obligation sex message.
The All New Guides to Great Sex!Launch March 15!
Imagine building a great sex life--from the ground up!What would it look like to build a picture of sex that was MUTUAL, INTIMATE, and PLEASURABLE FOR BOTH--with no harmful messages?
Welcome to the The Good Guy's Guide to Great Sex and the ALL NEW Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex. Pre-Order Now! (Helps us out a ton)And if you email your receipt, we'll send you a special pre-order BONUS
Pre-Order Now Email Us Your ReceiptThe evangelical church has set us up to feel bewildered five years after we were married. We did what we thought we were supposed to do, but it didn’t lead to intimacy. It led to obligation and resentment.
But you can rebuild! Often it just takes some honest conversations, some honest apologies, and that first step towards honouring everyone’s feelings.
We wrote The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex so that guys getting married wouldn’t find themselves in this situation anymore.We wanted guys to get married without the entitlement mindset, and to know how to act as soon as they were married to counteract any negative messages she’s had, too. We show him, from the beginning, how to make sure he’s not inadvertently reinforcing any bad messages, but is instead being her hero in the bedroom.
And I wrote The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex to help her start well, without all this obligation too!
My prayer is that couples will get these books before they’re married and avoid all these problems (just imagine what that would be like!), or that couples can get them early in their marriages to fix things before they deteriorate. And they’re available for pre-order too!
There’s so much bad teaching in the evangelical church about sex, but we can do better. Will you make these two books your go-to books for wedding showers? That’s my dream, but I need your help to make it a reality! So pre-order them now for a couple you know who is getting married soon. Together, we can undo the damage–and prevent so much more damage from happening.
What do you think? Have you seen this dynamic play out? Let’s talk in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila is determined to help Christians find BIBLICAL, HEALTHY, EVIDENCE-BASED help for their marriage. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts Why Is the Church So Afraid of Women’s Voices?Feb 22, 2022 | 56 Comments
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February 25, 2022
What Kids Teach Us about God; The Reason Sex Gets Messed Up; And Plagiarism!
On Fridays I often do round-ups of what’s happened on social media this week, and there is so much to share I don’t know where to begin.
So I’ve decided to start with something that isn’t even my own, but Rebecca’s. On her Instagram this week she posted this:
View this post on Instagram
And here’s the caption that went along with it:
I love this little one. No asterisk. No caveat. I just love him.
God uses parental imagery for Himself all the time when he talks about his love for us.
So why do we feel the need to add asterisks to Gods love?
God loves you…. But you don’t deserve it.
God loves you… but only because Jesus died for you.
God loves you… but you make him sad and angry.
God loves you… but, but, but.
Yes, we get it. We are sinners. I’m not arguing against that.
But can I ask you something?
Why do you think Gods love needs a caveat?
What are you afraid will happen if you simply accept his unconditional, all-encompassing love for you?
What are you afraid will happen if you AREN’T a horrible worm God can’t stand to look at?
What would happen if instead of being motivated by fear of Gods anger and disappointment we were spurred on to good deeds out of Gods magnificent joyful love for us?
God loves you. No buts.
———-
(Also shoutout to @pastor_rob_wiesner who was the first pastor I ever heard say in a sermon that God delights in us and just plain likes us without giving a caveat. It made such a profound impact on me and opened my eyes to how anxious of a faith I have had for so long.)
I jumped on an Instagram live this week and explained! It’s a longer video, but the main meat of it is just the first half, and then I started answering questions from people who were in the live!
View this post on InstagramWatch on Instagram! And just a reminder of what we’re up against…
…and why I do what I do!
Two quick graphics that went big this week, and had some great comments, too!
See it on Facebook! See it on Instagram! 
See it on Facebook! See it on Instagram! This is awkward…but can we talk plagiarism?Unfortunately, there’s a lot of plagiarism that seems to occur in Christian circles. And there don’t seem to be major repercussions for it.
I heard about this story when it first happened back in 2016/2017, but it wasn’t largely talked about in Christian media. It seems as if it’s being discussed more widely again, and I do want to stand with those who have had their work stolen. I think an honest public apology in this case would go a long way. But I shared Carey Wiggins Scott’s post on my page this week, and I’d like to share her original here too.
It’s time to share:My book UNTANGLED was plagiarized by another Christian author… named Christine Caine… not once, but twice in 2016/2017. (google for sauce and articles)
It was my 1st traditionally-published book and contained a very personal story of sexual abuse that happened to me when I was a small child. In its pages, I unpacked how that abuse “tangled” my self-worth for the majority of my life. AND… how God was untangling my worth from the world and anchoring it in Him instead.
In the past few days… I’ve had several comments come my way about this situation. I’ve ignored them for years, but today I feel prompted to speak out. Each person may have used different wording, but here is the gist:
“Why not be happy your message still got out there. If your purpose is to spread Jesus around the world, then be happy because that’s what is happening since her platform is bigger than yours. If you’re upset because of a monetary loss, maybe you need to get your priorities straight.”
How very insensitive.
In our world today, right is wrong and wrong is right. Left is right and right is left. It’s sheer insanity, but Biblical for the times we’re in.
Just because I need to say these things and haven’t publicly since the event several years ago, here I go:1) No one becomes a writer to get rich. They write because God prompts them. They share their stories because there’s power in a testimony. It’s hard and grueling and often like birthing babies. And I’m humbled God uses me in such ways.
2) Stealing is stealing. The end.
3) Anyone who steals and continues on like nothing happened has a questionable character.
4) I’ve not only been the victim of her stealing my words twice, I’ve also been beat up verbally by others telling me to be a better “Christian” and forgive. To move on.
Have I forgiven her? Yes. Even though there was no apology or repentance, I forgave her. Sometimes I have to all over again. It’s a continual process, and there are times it’s so hard. But I forgive because it’s what God asks.
Sharing my story and the facts behind it doesn’t mean otherwise. But in a day where the truth is blurred and evil is rampant… we must speak out when God lays it on our heart. And for the past three years, my mouth has been shut.
Today it opened.
My work was stolen. After months of trying to handle it privately with no productive conversation, I took her to Federal court. We settled ONLY because my then-husband’s secret life of sexual betrayal was discovered, and I had to focus all my time and energy on my kids through a very painful and messy divorce. It was the right choice, by the way.
The truth is that life is hard. No one knows what others may be facing behind closed doors.
… They don’t know the details behind the headlines.
… They don’t know all that was done to handle this in a God-honoring fashion.
… They don’t have insight to God’s directives in your life.
So please be thoughtful before you say stupid and insensitive words like I’ve been receiving over the past few days.
I know the Lord will bring justice in His perfect timing… to both Christine Caine and my ex-husband. I speak only when I feel His prompting. Because at the end of the day, it’s all about bringing glory to Him with our life. I want to finish the race well.
I may cross the finish line bruised and battered, bloodied from the battle, but I will cross it.
Be compassionate. Be kind. Love others well. Oh what that does for a broken heart and weary spirit.
Carey Wiggins ScottFor more information about the plagiarism, you can see a side-by-side comparison here of a paragraph from Carey’s book, and then Christine reading it, word for word, on a promotional video for her own book.
In digging around into this, I found many other examples of Zondervan authors in particular who have plagiarized, and I do think it’s a problem that needs to be addressed. I think it has much to do with celebrity culture, and I think our “you just forgive” attitude, even when there has been no repentance, is not healthy. For more on that, check out the comments when I shared this post!
Again, I think a public apology and acknowledgment of the harm done and the wrong done would go along way and is simply the right thing to do.
The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex is almost here!Finally, I’ll leave you with a quote from our new book!
Pre-Order it Now! Join the Launch Team! That’s it for me for this week! I’d love to hear what you think about these things, and if any of them stood out–let’s talk in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila is determined to help Christians find BIBLICAL, HEALTHY, EVIDENCE-BASED help for their marriage. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts Can Sex Feel Great But Leave You Empty?Feb 18, 2022 | 23 Comments
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February 24, 2022
PODCAST: What Guys Can Do If They’ve Messed Up Their Sex Lives
Although, of course, women will enjoy this podcast too! But we’ve looking specifically at helping guys realize when there’s some repair work to do in their marriages.
We’ve spent the last two podcasts with some basic sex ed teaching on the sexual response cycle and contraception. We want to help you get this right from the start.
But what if you didn’t? What if you messed up? And how do you talk to your kids about that, too?
Browse all the Different Podcasts
Or, as always, you can watch on YouTube:
Timeline of the Podcast
0:10 New book coming soon!
3:45 ‘What if I started my marriage off poorly?’
7:30 Reader letters
14:45 You cannot equate these two needs
24:40 The difference growing up outside the church
31:15 Research: Sex Frequency in marriage
39:20 Interview with Carl Thomas: How to talk to kids about sexuality
1:00:10 Keith’s final thoughts + Encouragement
Because our church culture teaches guys that they need sex the way newborn babies need to be fed in the middle of the night or the way an invalid needs water brought to them, men often don’t realize that they are being the selfish ones. They’re taught this is an absolute need they have, a life and death need, and so if she doesn’t want sex, that must mean she’s being selfish.
Here’s a letter that a guy recently sent me after our podcast on how guys should consider a wife’s needs postpartum:
You say you think sex should be about both people. But that is NOT what you teach. You teach that women’s needs outranks men’s needs at:
1)honeymoon
2)menstruation
3)frequency
4)after childbirth
5)menopause
6)or pretty much anytime there is an issue
Which when you add this up can easily get to 50% of the first 15-20 years of marriage. Now if your 50/50 the other 50% of the marriage it ends up being more like 75/25 if things are well and there are no issues. Issues can tilt it even more.
Why do you think so many are telling you it’s misandry? Why should everyone listen to you when you say it is misogynistic but you don’t have to listen to them? Your teaching almost at every turn considers the intentions, motives and spiritual life of women a positive light and men in a negative light.
I’m a happily married man. My wife thinks your every bit as evil as I do. This isn’t personal. I just believe your ruining tens of thousands Christian marriages in just the first generation and a multiple in the second generation.”
(Normally I correct the spelling and grammar mistakes but I left these ones in for fun).
Keith and I explain why, yes, her needs should take precedence on the honeymoon, and her period, and postpartum, and menopause, because she’s the one who is in discomfort and pain. This really shouldn’t be rocket science.
But then we share stories from other men with similar attitudes, and talk about how that starts a chain of events in many marriages that can wreck her libido and wreck sex. So we tackle what men can do when their attitudes have sent their sex lives in a downward spiral.
We cover this at length in The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex, too, and that book launches March 15! Honestly, I believe that THIS is the sex book that men need. Please pre-order, tell your pastor, tell your counselors, let them know that this resource is out there and that it’s healthy!
The All New Guides to Great Sex!Launch March 15!
Imagine building a great sex life--from the ground up!What would it look like to build a picture of sex that was MUTUAL, INTIMATE, and PLEASURABLE FOR BOTH--with no harmful messages?
Welcome to the The Good Guy's Guide to Great Sex and the ALL NEW Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex. Pre-Order Now! (Helps us out a ton)And if you email your receipt, we'll send you a special pre-order BONUS
Pre-Order Now Email Us Your Receipt How Do You Talk To Your Son (or Daughter) about Porn–or Sex?Carl Thomas from XXXChurch joined me. He took it over last year and has changed direction, and I love his approach (he finds Every Man’s Battle harmful as well). He’s recently written a book called When Shame Gets Real, and I read an early copy and endorsed it. One section I really liked was the open and frank way he described talking with your son about masturbation or your own past porn use. I asked him on the podcast to help coach parents through this.
When Shame Gets RealWe all know what it’s like to look into the mirror only to feel overwhelmed with regret and shame. For some, it’s a daily occurrence. But for those who’ve compromised their sexual integrity, it’s an ongoing reality.
In this book you’ll find a refreshingly blunt and candid conversation about sex, porn, and masturbation, that pulls no punches and reveals a clear path to freedom from sexual shame and sexually addictive behavior.
Check it out! Things Mentioned in This Podcast:Our Patreon! Support our research for as little as $5 a month, and get access to unfiltered podcasts and exclusive Facebook groups, and more perks!Pre-Order The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex and/or The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and send us your receipt to get our evangelical sex report card or an invitation to our launch team!Carl Thomas from XXXchurch.com, and his book When Shame Gets RealOur podcast where we talked about postpartum sexual favors
How do you think male entitlement has affected marriages? How can men bridge the gap if they’ve messed up? And what do you think of Carl’s take on how to talk to your kids? Let’s discuss in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila is determined to help Christians find BIBLICAL, HEALTHY, EVIDENCE-BASED help for their marriage. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts PODCAST: On Birth Control and Lust Control, featuring Patrick WeaverFeb 17, 2022 | 47 Comments
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February 23, 2022
What Happens when Men Believe the Obligation Sex Message?
Getting married believing that a wife was obligated to give her husband sex when he wanted it resulted in much higher rates of sexual pain, lower orgasm rates, and lower marital and sexual satisfaction.
On our survey for our book The Great Sex Rescue, we found that 39% of women believed this when they were married, and 21% believe it now.
But we still wanted to know: what happens when men believe it?
Well, we now have the answer. And this month on the blog I’m sharing some of our new stats, or having a “number of the day” to lift up the curtains on what’s happening in evangelical bedrooms!
So how many men believe the obligation sex message today?
%
So not too big a discrepancy with how many women believe it today!
Interestingly, the belief that “lust is every man’s battle” and “a woman should have frequent sex to keep her husband from watching porn” had a bigger discrepancy between men and women. You can find out more on our Evangelical Sex Report Card, available when you pre-order The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex, or The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, or both!
As Joanna dug down deeper into the obligation sex message and its effects, we found two big things I’d like to share with you today.
1. The obligation sex message heightens and augments the negative effects of porn.In fact, as Andrew Bauman says, the obligation sex message is heavily related to the pornified style of relating. When men believe the obligation sex message and that women should have sex to keep them from watching porn, then watching porn has far more of a negative effect on your marriage than if a guy watches porn but does not believe these things. It’s the pornified style of relating that is actually at the root of the harm that porn does.
2. The obligation sex message, when believed by men, does not have quite the negative effects as it does if believed by women.In a way, this makes sense. The obligation sex message erases a woman’s needs, and even erases her. If he has the right to use her whenever he wants, then she no longer matters. She is just a body. It’s understandable how traumatic that would be for a woman.
What we’d expect, then, is that the negative effects from this message, if believed by men, would show up more on the questions relating to the quality of his relationship. So she would orgasm less; they would feel less marital satisfaction; he wouldn’t feel as close to her.
And that certainly is true (and you can see more about this in The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex and in our Evangelical Sex Report Card!).
However, the effect is not as dramatic as it is when she’s the one who believes it.
I’d love to dive into why sometime later in a matched pair survey, where we can get a more accurate picture of individual couples.
But for now, can I just give you my theory about why him believing the obligation sex message doesn’t have as bad effects?I think it’s because fewer men than women judge the quality of their marriage based on emotional connection, and more judge it based on the frequency of sex.
So if sex is happening, it’s assumed that the marriage is fine.
So many men have written me saying, “out of the blue she told me that she was leaving!”, or “out of the blue she cut me off from sex!”, but then they proceed to tell stories of how their wives were unhappy for years, but he didn’t realize that this was serious.
We included one such anecdote in The Great Sex Rescue (and I’m going to include a big excerpt here because it’s especially relevant):
From The Great Sex Rescue But then there are cases when sexlessness is the natural conse- quence of an emotionally unhealthy marriage. For instance, one man wrote in to our blog with this question:
As a husband, I got more wrong than right. Mismanaged finances, anger outbursts, failure to listen to her. Ugly arguments in spades, overwhelmingly caused by me. She warned me for years this was all taking a toll on her. Several years ago she stopped having sex with me. In hindsight, I view it as the day our marriage ended.
For several years there was 100% zero sexual contact. That period was marked by vicious arguments instigated by me wanting sex. Although she had warned for some time she may do this, it still seemed to me as if she just woke up one day and declared no more sex. She has since told me it was either withdraw physically and emotionally or divorce. My moods/temperament since then have been bad. She told me how she felt like she had to walk on eggshells around me.
Two years ago, after several years of no sex, I began making a concerted effort to improve my disposition. She began allowing me to touch her again. No intercourse, but she would give me an orgasm.
At her request our sex life currently consists of me asking her for sex, and her deciding over the next few days whether she will. Believing our marriage needed something drastic, a few months ago I confessed in vivid detail my failings as her husband. I surrendered my life to her and promised to serve her for the rest of my days. I clean the kitchen after dinner, I give her massages, I bring her her favourite drinks the way she likes them. Serving her makes me feel closer to her.
Things were going well until Saturday when I randomly asked her for sex. It was awkward, and nothing happened. The next day she offered but her body language made it clear it was “let’s get it over with so you leave me alone.” I said I do not want it like that. I asked her if she got any mental or emotional joy out of giving me an orgasm. Her response: “No.” I want to feel intimate and close with my wife again, which, for me, does include an active sex life. When I try to talk to her about it, though, she gets defensive.
Let’s think about this scenario. He admits that he scared her repeatedly throughout their marriage, so much so that she felt she had to protect herself. Even though he’s trying to “serve” her now, the ways he is serving are all things he should have been doing in the first place, yet he’s still upset that she isn’t jumping at the chance to give him a hand job.
Many sexless marriages have, at their root, not a selfish refusal on the part of one spouse but rather an attempt at emotional protection. The way sexless marriages have often been framed, though, is that she is withholding sex because she wants to. By not having sex, then, we would assume that she’s getting what she wants. Logically, we would thus expect sexless marriages to be filled with unhappy husbands and more-or-less contented wives.
That is not what we found. While only 14.3% of women in sexually active marriages rated their marriages as neutral or unhappy, 63.1% of women in sexless marriages did. When you divide our survey respondents up into quintiles (five approximately equal-sized groups) based on happiness, women in sexless marriages are sixty-two times more likely to be in the unhappiest group than the happiest group.
…..
For many men, sex is their way of checking in on the health of the relationship. If everything is not okay, and a wife still has regular sex, she could be reinforcing that she is fine with the marriage, even if she continually tells him that she is not. No matter how much she says she’s desperate for things to get better, he isn’t believing it because she’s still having sex with him. What our stats show, though, is that in the long run, she may not be able to sustain a regular sex life if things do not improve. So men, if you do not listen when your wife says there are serious issues in your marriage, you may find yourself, like our earlier letter writer said, with a wife who “just wakes up one day and declares no more sex.”
I think a lot of men have worse marriages than they realize, and may be in for a rude awakening.
Our survey of men for The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex, then, shows that these messages are harmful. But the survey also shows that many men may not understand just how troubled their marriages are.
For instance, we found that men overestimated how emotionally close women felt to their husbands during sex. And men overestimated how comfortable women were sharing their opinions, or asking for what they wanted in the bedroom. Men thought women were happier and more comfortable than they actually are.
So what’s the solution?All of us need to understand real intimacy–that sex is supposed to be MUTUAL, INTIMATE, and PLEASURABLE FOR BOTH. And when these elements aren’t present, we need to take that as a warning sign that there could be some underlying issues with the marriage, and correct it.
Many of us have grown up with the wrong messages about sex. We’ve been told that the main thing is frequency–as long as intercourse is frequent in marriage, then sex is healthy and the marriage is healthy. But that is simply not true.
We hope in The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex to help men see God’s vision for a passionate, holistic sex life that is focused on true intimacy rather than entitlement. And we show how to build a healthy sex life not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually too.
We can do this, everybody.We can change the conversation about sex so the next generation isn’t stuck in this way. And we can bridge the gulf that many couples feel by simply correcting these false teachings.
I hope you’re with me! So pre-order The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex, and we’ll send you our Evangelical Sex Report Card, with even more findings from our guy’s survey.
The All New Guides to Great Sex!Launch March 15!
Imagine building a great sex life--from the ground up!What would it look like to build a picture of sex that was MUTUAL, INTIMATE, and PLEASURABLE FOR BOTH--with no harmful messages?
Welcome to the The Good Guy's Guide to Great Sex and the ALL NEW Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex. Pre-Order Now! (Helps us out a ton)And if you email your receipt, we'll send you a special pre-order BONUS
Pre-Order Now Email Us Your Receipt
What do you think? Do men often miss the signs that their wives may be unhappy? Let’s talk in the comments!
The Number of the Day SeriesHow Many Men Think They Do Enough Foreplay Even if She Doesn't Orgasm? How Many Elements are in the Sexual Response Cycle?What Percentage of Women Orgasm--but Don't Have Close Marriages? (coming soon)How Many Men Believe the Obligation Sex Message? (and what effect does this have on other areas of their marriage?) (coming soon)How Many Men Are Upset about their Wives' Lack of Adventure? (and what does that mean?) (coming soon)How Many Men Watch Porn? (And what are the effects?) (coming soon)Is Lust REALLY Every Man's Battle? (coming soon)Can the Way We Do the Honeymoon Increase the Rate of Vaginismus? (coming soon)Plus Pre-Order The Good Guy's Guide to Great Sex and The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex (they launch March 15!)
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila is determined to help Christians find BIBLICAL, HEALTHY, EVIDENCE-BASED help for their marriage. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts Why Is Marriage Advice Aimed at Healthy Couples?Feb 15, 2022 | 41 Comments
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The post What Happens when Men Believe the Obligation Sex Message? appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
February 22, 2022
Why Is the Church So Afraid of Women’s Voices?
The summer when I was 16 years old, I went on a Teen Missions International team to the Philippines. It was not a good experience. While I know that some enjoyed their time with Teen Missions, I found the theology abusive, and the team leaders abusive, and it was quite terrible. It was the first time this little Canadian was ever exposed to fundamentalism or any view of God that was not loving.
I saw many of the abuses that occurred, and I did not keep quiet. When girls disclosed sexual abuse at home, for instance, they were put in 24 hour solitary confinement so they could get their head together, and given no counseling. It was truly awful. (You can read more about Teen Missions International).
At the end of the summer, three teams got together in Hong Kong for a debriefing session, and the head of Teen Missions, Bob Bland, attended. He was a Big Deal. He was the Head Honcho.
And on the second last day, he asked to take a walk with me, alone.
He told me that he’d been speaking to my team leaders, and that I would never, ever be able to do anything for Jesus until I learned not to be rebellious.
He said that God would not be able to use me until I put an end to my rebellious spirit.
I have never had so much disdain for an individual in my life. I felt myself floating above myself during that conversation, tuning him out, thinking about the flowers we were walking beside instead, and every now and then nodding and saying, “mm hmmmm” as he continued to insult me. His words never really hurt me because I had so much disrespect for the organization already. I knew that they did not represent Jesus, given the way they had treated us all summer (I know that some had a better experience with them, but I did not).
(here I am digging a hole at our construction site)
Fast forward seventeen years, and I’m leading worship on a praise team at a Baptist church.We had four praise teams, and the leader of the one that I had been on stepped down, and our team decided that I should take over, and I did.
The first Sunday I led, I said something like,
As we sing this next song, take the things from this last week that are burdening you, and picture laying them down before Jesus.
Or something like that–I don’t even remember now. But it was short, and it was sweet, and it was just a transition before we went into the song “I See the Cross.”
Well, that raised quite a few eyebrows. I was a woman, and I told the congregation–and specifically the men in the congregation–what to do. I spiritually directed the men in the congregation to put their burdens down before Jesus.
The deacon’s board took notice. And for the next year they debated, back and forth, whether I was allowed to speak between songs or lead in prayer, even if it was just to say something like, “Jesus, we love you. We worship you today. Take our offering of praise and use it to your glory.”
My husband was on the deacon’s board at the time, and he found himself in the terrible position of having to defend me and also argue for women’s right to speak to men. It was one of the worst experiences he’s ever had in church.
They finally agreed that I could speak, but that the pastor would have to talk to me after each service to go over what I said to see whether or not it was appropriate. And, of course, the pastor didn’t do this for any of the three other worship leaders.
At the same time as this was happening, I was speaking around the country at big denominational events, women’s events, and women’s conferences. I was the most accomplished professional speaker in that congregation. But they weren’t sure if I could say a sentence or two without it being an abomination to God, since there were men in the audience.
We stayed at that church for a few more years until I couldn’t take it anymore.Interestingly, one of the deacons is now the lead pastor, and another arguing the most vehemently against me is now on the elder’s board.
We had a similar experience at the next church we landed at. It was wonderful for a time, but when it got a new pastor who was absolutely opposed to women ever having any teaching role, and who was adamant that women should obey husbands (I’m still angry I didn’t walk out when he said that in a sermon), we left there as well.
Interestingly, people from that first church still send me anonymous abusive messages quite frequently on social media. They create new accounts just to hassle me and insult me. Even when I was there, people used to put abusive anonymous letters in my mailbox, telling me that I was rebellious.
Looking back now, I don’t know why I took it so long.I think I felt we didn’t have a choice, and they had a good kids’ program, and so we needed to stay for the kids. But that church left a lot of wounds in me, and a lot of wounds in my husband from being on that deacon’s board.
I’m now embarrassed that I ever let anyone treat me like that. But perhaps it was something I had to go through for my own growth.
I tell you all of this today so that you’ll understand what a big deal it is that next month my book to men launches.I was told when I started writing that men can write general marriage and sex books, but women can’t. Men can write to women, but women can’t write to men, because men won’t listen.
And so I did have my husband come on board with me to write The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex. And his edits and ideas honestly made it so much better! But I still like the fact that I’m now writing a book to men. In fact, my blog is read by so many men everyday. And every week, at least several thousand men listen to our podcast.
Last night I tweeted this:
15 years ago, the deacon's board at the Baptist church I led worship at debated for a YEAR about whether I was permitted to speak between songs, since I was a woman.
— Sheila Gregoire--The Great Sex Rescue is here! (@sheilagregoire) February 21, 2022
On Dec 31, my podcast aimed at men & women reached 1,000,000 downloads.
On March 15, my book to men launches.
That’s how I’m feeling right now–a little bit celebratory.
I wish I could go back in time and talk to that 16-year-old girl, walking and staring at flowers and trying not to listen to the man drone on about how God wasn’t pleased with her; or go back in time and tell that 34-year-old woman who had to lead worship while angry men looked up at her from the congregation every week, just waiting for her to make a mistake. And I wish I could tell her, these things will make you stronger, but do not allow them to have any impact on how you see yourself, because their words and opinions don’t matter.
What I have learned is that when people believe things that aren’t of Jesus, and when they don’t act like Jesus, we don’t need to listen. We can walk away.One of the things that has disappointed me the most over the last three years as I’ve been speaking up about the harm in evangelical marriage teaching is that instead of listening to our study of 20,000 women; instead of listening to the cries of women who have been abused; instead of hearing out our critiques, the response has been to say that I’m rebellious and try to make me be quiet.
They threaten lawsuits, they get me blacklisted from conferences, they go behind my back to berate podcasts that have had me on–but they never actually listen.
But I won’t be quiet.
I will keep speaking, because I believe i have some important things to say. And in The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex, and the new and revamped Good Girl’s Guide, I believe that we will set so many couples free from the toxicity around marriage and sex, as well as the ignorance, that we have grown up steeped in.
The All New Guides to Great Sex!Launch March 15!
Imagine building a great sex life--from the ground up!What would it look like to build a picture of sex that was MUTUAL, INTIMATE, and PLEASURABLE FOR BOTH--with no harmful messages?
Welcome to the The Good Guy's Guide to Great Sex and the ALL NEW Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex. Pre-Order Now! (Helps us out a ton)And if you email your receipt, we'll send you a special pre-order BONUS
Pre-Order Now Email Us Your ReceiptRecently I went on a little bit of a Marie Kondo kick on Netflix, and got inspired to go through some of my old boxes of mementos. As I was going through them, I found this letter that my pastor from a DIFFERENT Baptist church wrote to me as a child. We had a wonderful relationship, and I really loved him.
The date on that letter is March 9, 1976. I wasn’t quite six years old. (Here’s my cousin and I outside the church doors around that time).
Dear readers, I don’t know where you are in life right now and what voices are all around you. But let me assure you, when people are telling you your voice is dangerous and it’s too loud and you should be smaller, that’s not of God.
And I love the fact that God prompted my mom to save this letter, so that I could find it right now, when I have so many negative voices all around me.
God has given you a wonderful love and a happy smile and a good mind, and I know that you will grow up learning to use these for our Lord and Saviour.
Thank you, Rev. Pierce.
He’s passed away now, but I like to think that he would be proud of me. And he would never have berated me for being rebellious for wanting to use my voice to speak of things of God.
Has something like this ever happened to you? Let’s talk in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila is determined to help Christians find BIBLICAL, HEALTHY, EVIDENCE-BASED help for their marriage. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts Why I Rewrote The Good Girl’s Guide to Great SexFeb 14, 2022 | 34 Comments
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The post Why Is the Church So Afraid of Women’s Voices? appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
February 18, 2022
Can Sex Feel Great But Leave You Empty?
This month on the blog I’m going a “number of the day” series, and I meant to put this post up on Wednesday but the blog was all glitchy that day when we were switching to other servers so I decided to put it up today.
As most of you know, for The Great Sex Rescue, we surveyed 20,000 women, finding all kinds of neat tidbits of information about women’s marital and sexual satisfaction.
Well, we’ve since followed that up with our survey of 3,000 men, and it’s all releasing in our new book The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex and our totally revamped Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex! And you can pre-order them now.
One of the big points we’re making in The Good Guy’s Guide and Good Girl’s Guide is that sex is more than physical.Indeed, the books are divided up into three sections: Physical, Emotional, and Spiritual intimacy. How does each play a role in the bedroom?
I thought that to illustrate how important the threefold nature of sex is, I’d share with you two numbers today–the percentage of women who orgasm frequently but don’t feel close during sex, and the percentage of men who do.
How Many Women Orgasm But Don’t Feel Close During Sex:%
How Many Men Orgasm But Don’t Feel Close During Sex:%
Yes, it is true that women especially tend to reach orgasm much more easily when they feel close to their husbands.Emotional intimacy tends to fuel physical response. For women especially it’s difficult to relax during sex if you feel distant from your husband, and if you can’t relax, it’s difficult to get aroused.
But that doesn’t mean that it can’t happen. Some women are just very physically responsive, and most men are physically responsive. So the physical and the emotional don’t always work in tandem.
What happens when people orgasm but don’t feel emotionally close?It’s actually worse for the marriage than the other way around. Like other studies, we found that marital satisfaction had a big impact on sexual satisfaction, but when we teased this out in focus groups and looked at other peer reviewed research, it’s clear that the association wasn’t as true the other way around. (It’s very difficult to tease out which direction causation goes, so we looked at a number of different tools to figure it out!).
So we’re looking at roughly 20% of couples where at least one person is physically enjoying sex, but it isn’t bringing them closer together.
And if sex is meant to be mutual, intimate, and pleasurable for both, and it’s missing the intimacy–then something is going to feel off with everything.
Here’s how I described it:
Sex is ultimately a longing, a passion, a deep desire for connec- tion. God created in each of us a longing for intimate connection with him, and he made us long for each other in the same way, to mirror how he feels about us.
Let me put it this way: billions of people have had sex. I am not sure how many have actually made love. To have sex is simply to do the physical act. To make love is to connect on many other levels as well, which is exactly what God made sex for. He made it to help us truly “know” each other, in every sense of the word. He wants us to know each other physically, to memorize each other’s curves and freckles and scents and likes and dislikes. He wants us to know what our spouse yearns for and what makes our spouse uncomfortable. But he also wants us to know our spouse’s heart, mind, and soul. He wants us to be joined. That can happen only in an intimate, committed relationship, which is why people can have sex with many but can make love to only one.
Unfortunately, too many people don’t even realize they’re miss- ing out on the best. When my oldest daughter was four, we attended a playgroup every day. One day the woman in charge asked the children, “What’s your favorite food?” All the preschoolers offered variants of macaroni and cheese, ice cream, or hot dogs until one little girl, Victoria, shouted out, “Lobster!” Her father owned a gour- met restaurant, and she frequently dined on leftover lobster. She didn’t know what macaroni and cheese tasted like. The other kids, though, were equally ignorant of lobster. They thought mac and cheese was scrumptious because it was the best of their experience. I suspect that many women settle for mac and cheese and miss out on delicacies because they don’t know how great sex can be.
Listen to what one respondent to our sex and marriage survey reported: “I wish I had known that it really takes trust, commit- ment, and more trust to have a fulfilling sexual relationship. I never reached real fulfillment until I had all the above plus intimacy.”
Sheila Wray GregoireThe New and Revised Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
So what do you do if sex feels empty?Talk about it! Get to the bottom of it.
Is it because one or both of you have a pornified view of sex, and sex is about using each other, rather than “knowing” each other?Is it because one of you is selfish in bed and doesn’t think of the other?Is it because you aren’t communicating in other aspects of your relationship, and this is the only time you connect, so there is so much unspoken that to do something so intimate leaves you feeling the big dichotomy between the reality of your emotional connection?Get rid of any porn use, and say, “no more!” Put up clear boundaries, and get help where you need it.
Get counseling if you need to work through more relationship issues.
And then work at re-establishing intimacy before and during sex. Share your hearts with each other. Everyday, make it a habit to share with each other the time you felt most in the groove today, and the time you felt the most defeated. Get an insight into each other’s emotional state.
And then, when you are having sex, look into each other’s eyes. Say each other’s names. Make it more personal.
Obviously, that’s simplified, and this isn’t a fast process. We do have lots in The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex and The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex to help guide you through this.
The All New Guides to Great Sex!Launch March 15!
Imagine building a great sex life--from the ground up!What would it look like to build a picture of sex that was MUTUAL, INTIMATE, and PLEASURABLE FOR BOTH--with no harmful messages?
Welcome to the The Good Guy's Guide to Great Sex and the ALL NEW Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex. Pre-Order Now! (Helps us out a ton)And if you email your receipt, we'll send you a special pre-order BONUS
Pre-Order Now Email Us Your Receipt But the big thing I want you all to remember is that “intimacy” and “sex” are not necessarily synonyms.Just because you are having intercourse does not mean that you’re feeling close or that it’s intimate. And in a way, there is nothing more lonely that having physically great sex with someone that you feel very distant from. The stark dichotomy is just too much.
So if you’re feeling empty, take that as a sign that there is work to do. Don’t just keep having sex because sex is supposed to fix things. It won’t, because the problem isn’t with sex. Sex is not the cure-all for relationship issues. Instead, look outside the bedroom and deal with whatever is hindering you.
Because it isn’t okay for your sex life to leave you empty! And in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex and The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex, I hope we can point you to ways to talk about this, and to places where you can get help if more is needed.
What do you think? Have you ever experienced that non-concordance when sex makes you distant? Let’s talk in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila is determined to help Christians find BIBLICAL, HEALTHY, EVIDENCE-BASED help for their marriage. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts Why is Focus on the Family Supporting Pressuring Wives to Send Nude Pictures?Feb 11, 2022 | 57 Comments
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The post Can Sex Feel Great But Leave You Empty? appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
February 17, 2022
PODCAST: On Birth Control and Lust Control, featuring Patrick Weaver
Plus we talk with Patrick Weaver about the recent #DearBrian dust-up, where that pastor from Utah told women to cover up and not show skin on Instagram, like pictures with their newborn babies.
Great discussion with Patrick–and I hope the beginning with Keith was educational too!
Browse all the Different Podcasts
See the Last “Start Your Engines” (Men’s) Podcast
Or, as always, you can watch on YouTube:
Timeline of the Podcast
0:10 Announcements
3:00 Let’s talk Birth Control (disclaimers)
5:35 Natural Family Planning
11:15 The Pill
14:50 IUDs
18:00 Barriers
24:30 Surgical
26:45 Combining
29:00 Withdrawal
32:15 Interview with Patrick Weaver
56:00 Encouragement
We had so many people saying that last week’s podcast on the sexual response cycle was helpful that we decided to do another educational segment about different contraception options!
We handled this like we did in our new books The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex and The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex. We give the pros and cons of each method, but we don’t tell you what to do, because it’s ultimately up to you. Some people have moral objections to anything that interferes with fertility, and some have health objections to anything that interferes with her hormones. So let’s look at all the options–because there’s nothing that’s 100% easy and perfect and always works. There are always trade-offs!
I asked in my Instagram stories this week about favourite birth control methods, and I shared some of your responses in the podcast, but I’ll share more on Facebook later today too!
The All New Guides to Great Sex!Launch March 15!
Imagine building a great sex life--from the ground up!What would it look like to build a picture of sex that was MUTUAL, INTIMATE, and PLEASURABLE FOR BOTH--with no harmful messages?
Welcome to the The Good Guy's Guide to Great Sex and the ALL NEW Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex. Pre-Order Now! (Helps us out a ton)And if you email your receipt, we'll send you a special pre-order BONUS
Pre-Order Now Email Us Your Receipt Patrick Weaver Joins Us to Talk about Lust–and How Men Can Be Involved in ChangeI’ve really enjoyed getting to know Patrick Weaver on Facebook over the last few months, and he’s been a great voice standing up against abuse and asking men to step up to the plate.
If you don’t follow him on Facebook, you should, because he’s very no-nonsense.
We opened our conversation talking about the #DearBrian tweet from last week, which I “fixed” on Instagram:
Our conversation then turned to how we can get more men speaking up for healthy relationships. We have so many great guys and great commenters on this site, and we have so many great guys in our Patreon as well, but how do we engage with men more? Patrick had some good thoughts.
Things Mentioned in This Podcast:Our Patreon! Support us for as little as $5 a month and help us get our research into peer reviewed journals. Plus you can join our rocking Facebook group and get unfiltered podcasts!Pre-Order The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex or The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex and you can get our pre-order bonuses: awesome Evangelical Sex Report Card and an invitation to join our launch team!Our original birth control series plus the book Taking Charge of Your FertilityPatrick Weaver’s Facebook Page and his Instagram
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila is determined to help Christians find BIBLICAL, HEALTHY, EVIDENCE-BASED help for their marriage. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts PODCAST: The ABCs of Arousal and the Sexual Response CycleFeb 10, 2022 | 52 Comments
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The post PODCAST: On Birth Control and Lust Control, featuring Patrick Weaver appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
