Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 13

Why Is Marriage Advice Aimed at Healthy Couples?

Do you know who reads marriage books and seeks out marriage advice?

Usually it’s people having trouble with their marriage! And yet often the advice that’s given isn’t helpful for unhealthy couples, and can even be harmful. And then authors say, “but it’s not meant for couples in unhealthy relationships!”

On Tuesdays I like to share just one thought, rather than writing a big post, and yesterday Bethany Kennon from The Voice of a Phoenix tagged me in a post she wrote on Facebook, and it was so good I asked her permission to post it here.

Addressing pastors, she writes:

If you are preaching or teaching on marriage, and make the disclaimer that your teaching is for “generally healthy marriages,” imagine *at least* 1/3 of your congregation getting up and leaving.

Or, envision 1 in 3 women in your audience walking out the door. Statistically, that is who *should* leave for 2 very important reasons.

1. Based on the nuances of destructive marriages, some women do not realize they are in an abusive dynamic.

(For example – they have been brainwashed by their abuser to believe any marriage issues belong to them, that their normal and natural response to abuse is REALLY the problem, not the abuse itself).

They feel pain, misplaced guilt, distress, have the physical manifestations of trauma and believe and/or have been told that if they just pray harder, have more faith, communicate better, just focus on the good and “stop harping on the bad and ignoring your own need for grace” (I’m looking at you Risen Motherhood), be more kind, patient, sexually available, etc. that their situation will change.

The ones who DO know that they are in a destructive marriage are often desperate and willing to do anything they can to make it work. Marriage studies have shown that religious people in an abusive dynamic (meaning the ones being abused) typically double down and try to make things work after hearing advice from religious teachers, EVEN when that advice is marketed towards “generally healthy marriages.” And, when they do, they end up getting hurt.

2. Telling people “if you are in an abusive situation please go get help” signals to them that you do not have the capacity or desire to help them yourself.

Churches are not the government or the police. Churches do have limitations and should not overstep. AND if we are truly hospitals for the sick (for both the sinful and the suffering), why are we communicating to the broken that their wounds are beyond our capacity to minister to? That they are just too damaged to be tended to by God’s people? That they need to go get help elsewhere and should return when they’re all better and have easier needs to attend to. If that is our attitude, then the people in need SHOULD leave and go find a church community who is willing to love, shelter, and minister to the hurting, as they receive the medical care they need, WITHOUT blaming them for the pain they are feeling.

I’m pretty passionate about this. Why? Because generally healthy marriages ARE RARE and I am tired of people pretending that they’re not. That’s why we are so WOW’ed when we see them!! Most of us are either dealing with ongoing, problematic issues OR in a destructive situation. If you truly want to actually make an impact, to truly love people and shepherd them, please tell me why you are aiming at people who need little advice versus the people who are needing in-depth guidance or desperately in need of care and support???

The habit of only addressing those who are “generally healthy” is the sin of partiality (James 2). And it’s gotta go.

Bethany Kennon

Writer, Facebook

She definitely has a point.

Now, I do believe that counseling for people in abusive situations needs to be done by a licensed counselor, but there is no reason why a pastor can’t get trauma informed and learn about abuse and preach on it well; or why they can’t have a team in place to help people in abusive situations access the help they need; or why they can’t train people to help those in need.

This all reminds me of the kerfuffle over Love & Respect with Focus on the Family.

When people wrote in telling them that Love & Respect was a dangerous book and enabled abuse, they replied that it was only meant for people in healthy marriages with goodwill. But Emerson Eggerichs, on page 2, even says that it’s meant for:

“This book is for anyone: people in marital crisis…spouses headed for divorce…husbands and wives in a second marriage…people wanting to stay happily married…spouses married to unbelievers…divorcees trying to heal….lonely wives….browbeaten husbands…spouses in affairs…victims of affairs…engaged couples…pastors or counselors looking for material that can save marriages.”

Emerson Eggerichs

Love & Respect

He also talks later in the book about couples who are “drinking or straying.” So he says the book is for people in toxic and destructive marriages, but then when confronted about how the book harms those marriages, he says it’s only for couples with goodwill.

That’s the same approach Gary Thomas and Debra Fileta took about their new book Married Sex, when they were told that it handled power dynamics and porn very badly (saying that taking nude photos will neurologically help him not look at other women; talking about men with rage issues demanding angry sex and not mentioning coercion; talking about breasts resetting power imbalances), they replied that their book was meant for people in healthy marriages.

You may also enjoy:Christian Books Shouldn’t Be HarmfulThe Thalidomide Test on Marriage Books (Podcast)The Do-It-Yourself Test to See if a Book is Harmful (Podcast)Our Open Letter about Love & Respect Why are we creating so many resources that are only meant for the healthy and that will hurt the sick?

Jesus said that it is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. Jesus left the 99 and went after the 1. Shouldn’t the sick matter to us?

And the sick are not just the 1–the sick are a huge percentage of people in our congregations, and we are leaving them behind.

In our new books The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex and The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex we talk a lot about consent and what it looks like and how to recognize when something is not consensual, and we talk about how to address porn use, and when you need a licensed counselor to deal with things. We try to help people identify when there are “normal” issues, and when things go beyond normal and actually need some serious boundaries and some help. We don’t just tell people to try harder.

I think this is a very real problem, and I hope that pastors and authors will start remembering that most of those who really need advice are not in super healthy relationships. And so the advice needs to take into account those who are in very unhealthy ones and need to be told, “that’s not right, and it’s okay to need some help.”

The All New Guides to Great Sex!Launch March 15! Imagine building a great sex life--from the ground up!

What would it look like to build a picture of sex that was MUTUAL, INTIMATE, and PLEASURABLE FOR BOTH--with no harmful messages?

Welcome to the The Good Guy's Guide to Great Sex and the ALL NEW Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex. Pre-Order Now! (Helps us out a ton)

And if you email your receipt, we'll send you a special pre-order BONUS

Pre-Order Now Email Us Your Receipt

What do you think? How can we help pastors consider this when preaching? How can we change the emphasis in our teaching? Let’s talk in the comments!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila is determined to help Christians find BIBLICAL, HEALTHY, EVIDENCE-BASED help for their marriage. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts 6: Do You Know the Stages of the Sexual Response Cycle?

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The post Why Is Marriage Advice Aimed at Healthy Couples? appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Why I Rewrote The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex

Can I tell you a story about a book–and about me?

As most of you know, on March 15 I have two books launching–The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex, which I wrote with my husband, and a completely revised Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, which will be 10 years old this March.

I never originally planned to write a book about sex.

In 2010 my blog was growing, and I had a new agent, and we were discussing what my next book project would be. I had a vision for a women’s book I wanted to write, which would be able to be used as a women’s book study. He didn’t think it would sell. The recession was deep, and publishers were being really picky about what books they were jumping on.

At the same time, everytime I wrote about sex my traffic grew. So I told my agent that I did have one more idea–The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex. It took a while, but Zondervan picked it up a year later, and it was out in 2012.

When I wrote the original version, I was trying to balance four things.1. I wanted to help women relax

First, I had been really traumatized (and I don’t use that word lightly) by the book that I read before I was married–The Act of Marriage. I’ve written before about drowning that book in the bathtub, and why it had been so destructive for me.

One of the things I wanted to do was write the anti-Act of Marriage, a book that was the opposite. So while The Act of Marriage gave extremely explicit tips for everything you were supposed to do on your wedding night, right of the bat, to bring her to orgasm, and told her that she was now responsible for meeting his needs, I wanted to write a book that encouraged her to go at her own pace, to discover what felt good for herself, to learn to listen to her body. I wanted her not to feel pressure on her wedding night (since I still believe a lot of that was responsible for my vaginismus), and just enjoy getting to know each other in a whole new way.

I wanted a book that didn’t put expectations on her, but instead valued her and allowed her to explore her sexuality the way she felt comfortable.

In short, I wanted to honor her, rather than to pressure her.

2. I wanted to help women see sex as more than just physical

The sex ed I had made sex into something that was merely physical, about climax. That put so much pressure on both of us, and then when sex hurt me, it seemed like everything was crashing down.

And I felt that that was such a shallow version of sex. What if we could see the complete picture? I had begun to do some research into what spiritual intimacy really looks like, and I realized that this was an important component missing from our conversations about sex: that it was supposed to be holistic–intimate physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

3. I wanted to help women escape purity culture

In 2012, many of the women getting married had grown up at the height of purity culture. They had read the Brio magazine articles that made her feel like any sexual feelings were bad. They had been told their whole lives that the rest of the world was evil and depraved, but she wasn’t because she was pure. They had been told that their worth was in their virginity.

And it’s really, really hard for sex to be good if  you feel like your main identity is in being a virgin.

So I wanted to help women escape purity culture. I wanted to tell them, “sex isn’t shameful! You can enjoy this! And by the way, if you’re not “pure”, that’s totally okay. Your past is not your present, and guilt doesn’t have to be your story.”

Okay, so far so good. Now here’s where things went a little off the rails.

4. I wanted to make sure I taught the right stuff

At the same time as I was writing this blog I was also speaking at marriage conferences, and I was very much in the conservative evangelical space. And as most of you know, the rhetoric around sex is very gendered. He wants the physical side; she wants the emotional side. He’s visual; she’s not.

At least I knew that women could have the higher sex drives (I’d been listening to my commenters for years on that), and my survey that I did for the book bore that out as well.

But I was still immersed in this very gendered way of seeing sex.

Over the years, as I’ve listened more and done even more research, I knew that things had to change with The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex.

It still would score really highly on our rubric–and unlike the other 13 books we looked at, my original did include the word consent! (Well, technically it was the word “consensual”, but I would have counted that). And it did win a huge prize in 2012 for the best Christian book by a Canadian. But it was time to update it.

I still wanted to write a book where #1 and #2 were clearly accomplished, but I didn’t agree with much of the gendered stuff I taught anymore, and I felt as if today’s women have different issues than they did in 2012. Our main issues aren’t shame with sex so much as lack of understanding and too much obligation. We needed to free ourselves to know that our pleasure matters just as much as his does, and we don’t have to settle for terrible sex. We can be emboldened to speak up!

So I knew it was time to rewrite it, and when Zondervan came asking for The Good Guy’s Guide, I asked if I could rewrite The Good Girl’s Guide at the same time. That was actually a big ask, because it was still selling well, and to write a new book involves design, editing, reprinting–it’s an expense that you wouldn’t normally incur for a book that’s still doing well.

But after writing The Great Sex Rescue, I felt like I couldn’t continue to support a book that was so gendered (it even had two chapters on how “women are like this” and “men are like this”!). So I told them that I couldn’t recommend it anymore, and they took a look at the older version and saw that it really did need to be revamped.

(And I didn’t get paid for that either!). I’m glad they said yes, though, because I did want to do this well.

So I took out the gendered stuff, and I added a lot more about the sexual response cycle and orgasm.

I thought originally it would just be swapping the gendered chapters for more on orgasm, but as I read through the book I found that I now talk differently about just about everything–mental load; communication; obligation. So I ended up rewriting pretty much the entire thing!

It’s still based around #1 and #2–and The Good Guy’s Guide is too, by the way! The point is to help everyone learn to relax and do things at their own pace as they awaken and discover sexuality, rather than feeling like anyone is forced or coerced into doing specific things on their wedding night, right off the bat (especially since we did find that highly correlates to an increased risk for vaginismus).

And we wanted to stress the threefold nature of sex–physical, emotional, and spiritual connection. In fact, that’s how both books are organized.

But I’m much happier with this one now.

These last two years have been a humbling journey for me.

As we’ve done more and more research into women’s sexual and marital satisfaction, and sexual pain, and we’ve seen how much harm has been done in the evangelical community, I’ve realized how much of what I had written ten years ago or even five years ago isn’t what I would teach today.

We’re busy behind the scenes trying to move this blog to a new domain. We’re going to take about 1200 posts with us, and then delete the rest. Our blog is so clunky and about to break that there’s not an easy way to do this, so we figured it would be better to start from scratch and do things right. Hopefully that will be ready soon.

Someone told me the other day in the Launch Team for the new books that even though what I wrote five years ago wasn’t what I would say now, it was still better than what other people were writing five years ago, and it really helped her. And others said that they had grown with me too. That made me feel a little better, though I do wish I had gotten more of this right from the start.

I guess we’re all on a journey. Some are ahead of me, and are annoyed that it took me so long, and think I still have further to go. To them I’d just say, thank you for your patience. Please believe me that I’m trying to do this well.

Others may think I’ve gone off my rocker! But I feel the weight of what I do very heavily. I get countless emails and direct messages and comments everyday from women in dire straits, largely because of incorrect teaching in the evangelical church. I see the harm done up close and personal far too often.

And so I just want to write what is borne out by research. Jesus said that a good tree can’t bear bad fruit, and a bad tree can’t bear good fruit. So we can judge a teaching by its fruit. When we see that something harms, that’s not of Jesus.

It occurs to me too that I couldn’t have this ministry UNLESS I had gotten some things wrong.

If I had come out the gate saying the things I do now, I think most of evangelicalism would have discounted me a long time ago and not listened to me. But because I was right in the thick of it, because I had taught the same things, now when I say “this is wrong” it has more weight.

That’s not fair, of course. Those who have been teaching this well from the beginning deserve more kudos. But it does help me sleep at night.I am excited about the new version of The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex.

I have a book I can recommend wholeheartedly again as a bridal shower gift or a gift for women who are just getting used to sex. And I really, really love The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex. It’s likely my favourite. I got to write it from scratch, and Keith helped so much with it, and I think we found the right “voice” and the right balance to help guys see that if they want great sex, they need to figure her out and make it about her!

I’d love to have you all on the launch team! If you pre-order the books, and then email me your receipt, you can join the launch team where you get access immediately to the book (or books!), plus our exclusive Facebook group with multiple Facebook lives every week and lots of places to ask questions. And you can win more copies of the books as well!

 

The All New Guides to Great Sex!Launch March 15! Imagine building a great sex life--from the ground up!

What would it look like to build a picture of sex that was MUTUAL, INTIMATE, and PLEASURABLE FOR BOTH--with no harmful messages?

Welcome to the The Good Guy's Guide to Great Sex and the ALL NEW Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex. Pre-Order Now! (Helps us out a ton)

And if you email your receipt, we'll send you a special pre-order BONUS

Pre-Order Now Email Us Your Receipt

What do you think? How has the conversation changed in the last ten years? What do you think younger women are struggling with today in a different way? Let’s talk in the comments!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila is determined to help Christians find BIBLICAL, HEALTHY, EVIDENCE-BASED help for their marriage. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts What Does It Meant to Be “Against Abuse”?

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The post Why I Rewrote The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Why is Focus on the Family Supporting Pressuring Wives to Send Nude Pictures?

Yesterday Focus on the Family had Gary Thomas and Debra Fileta promoting their book Married Sex, and I’m just depressed.

On Fridays I usually do a round-up of social media for the week, but I was awake so much last night in turmoil about this.

At some point we need to make it stop. This can’t go on.

I posted this last night:

And I just have to talk about this, because this is serious. 

I’ve written a thorough book review of Married Sex, and much of it is actually okay, but a lot of it is bizarre, some of it is harmful, and then there are the parts like this that are just plain dangerous.

Lots of people listen to Focus on the Family, and apparently Gary Thomas and Debra Fileta sounded good and healthy. So now people will buy their book, and they’ll read the passages pressuring women to send nude photos, and then they’ll feel guilty and ashamed if they don’t want to, or abusive husbands will use this to pressure wives.

We can’t do this, people. We can’t. It needs to stop.

So let me explain the problems with how Gary Thomas talked about sending nude photos in Married Sex.

(and it was in Gary’s chapters, not Debra’s).

First, let me explain how Keith and I both talked about this in The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex and The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex (which are available for pre-order now! And you can join the launch team too and get instant access!)

We said, if you want to do it there’s no injunction against it, but please be very, very careful because of two things:

You can’t defeat porn by becoming porn, and if he especially is used to objectifying women, this only solidifies itPictures can easily fall into the wrong hands. You do NOT want that to happen.

These were the two things we stressed, and we never said that anyone SHOULD do it. We simply said it wasn’t wrong, but it was very dangerous, so our approach was, “if you really want to proceed, use caution.”

Now, how did Gary describe it? Like this:

Sight can be used to create sexual excitement even when you’re not together. Abby’s husband, Kyle, loves to receive provocative body shots texted to him. “I’m careful about where I open up any text from Abby,” he says, “and when she sends me a picture in the middle of the day, I can’t wait to get home to her. I’m thinking about her all day.”

Abby was at first reluctant to do this. What changed her mind? “It makes him so happy,” she said. “He works really hard for us, and if I can sweeten his day a little bit, I didn’t want to unnecessarily deny him something as long as God is okay with it.”

She took the question to her women’s Bible study where the opinion was mixed. The most common objection was, “What if it leads to him doing porn?”

Consider the Latin philosophical dictum abusus non tollit usum, which roughly translated means “abuse doesn’t negate the proper use.” Just because something can be abused doesn’t mean it can’t be used. In Abby and Kyle’s case, the texting is creating intense desire for his wife, not for other women, and it hasn’t led him to seek out porn. It also becomes all-day foreplay, so that when Kyle comes home at night, he’s ready to go.

Shortly after they got married, Izzy did a boudoir photo shoot for her husband, Scott (the photographer was a woman). Scott calls the photos “awesome” and says they draw him toward Izzy again and again. With those pictures seared in his mind, his sexual interest is centered on Izzy, and neurologically he’s less likely to be drawn to other women.

Gary Thomas

Married Sex

So let me sum up his argument:

Sending photos can be sexyHusbands really like itWomen who didn’t want to do it are glad when they finally doJust because some people may abuse this doesn’t mean it’s wrong to doIf you do it, he’s neurologically less likely to be drawn to other women, or to porn.He completely discounts the very, very real problem with porn.

If a man has a pornified style of relating where he objectifies women and where sex is about him possessing or taking, and he feels entitled, sending nude photos only cements that. And you can have a pornified style of relating even if you don’t use porn.

Can people use nude photos properly? Sure. But our study found that 50% of men currently have a relationship with porn. That’s a huge number, and they still gave this advice. What were they thinking?

He is encouraging women to send nude photos to stop a porn problem.

This dovetails quite nicely into one of the most toxic teachings we measured in The Great Sex Rescue–a wife should have frequent sex to keep her husband from watching porn. This is a big theme in Married Sex–guys are visual; guys are tempted; women have to stop the guys from sinning.

This is coercion. When you have to do something in order to stop someone from sinning against you and doing something bad to you, that is actually a form of coercion.

He is using persuasion tactics on women here to convince them to do it.

Note how he says that Abby was initially reluctant, but then she did it anyway, and now look at how happy her husband was! And look at the wording–she didn’t want to “unnecessarily deny him”. To deny implies that he has a right to this, that this is his due.

So let’s think about two readers.

One is a wife who really is uncomfortable with this.

She doesn’t want to do it. She feels a little icky and a little exposed and thinks that it might reignite a porn problem. But then she reads this, and she’s pressured to get over her reluctance. Look at how hot a wife Abby is! She doesn’t deny her husband. Look at how amazing Izzy is! She makes sure that her husband is only looking at her and not other women.

The other is a husband who wants nude photos while his wife doesn’t.

He’s going to feel emboldened to pressure her for it. “See? Gary thinks this is fine! And he’s a pastor! And he says that neurologically it will help me think about you instead of being tempted by anyone else!” This whole passage smacks of pressure and coercion.

Does the book ever deal with her reluctance? Yes, in a footnote. 

It’s not even part of the main text! It says this:

 

Note that some counselors strongly object to this advice, insisting that it’s too dangerous for a wife to put photos of herself like this anywhere, lest they fall into the wrong hands. There are ways (and apps) to guard against this, but husbands, if your wife isn’t comfortable with this, please don’t pressure her.

Gary Thomas

Married Sex

Most people will not read this footnote until after they read the two stories about how awesome it is to send nude photos.

But look what the footnote is acknowledging: counselors strongly object, and it could be very dangerous. 

Don’t you think it would be good to lead with that? Rather than stick it in a footnote?

I’m honestly so angry I’m shaking right now.

Do women even matter to Gary? I thought he was better than this. Does he have no concept of revenge porn? Of how many women get their photos stolen from the cloud? Of how many abusive husbands can use these photos to blackmail their wives? Of how abusive this can be?

And to stick it in a footnote, like it’s not the main thing?

Because the main thing, of course, is that guys get to look at nude photos of reluctant wives. In fact, the whole passage is centered over how much fun he’s having. Abby sends photos so Kyle is raring to go! No mention of how Abby may feel, or how Izzy may feel. They’re not the main characters,  you see.

Plus, like Rebecca said to me when we were talking about this, who is this passage aimed at?

It’s not aimed at people who want to send nude photos, because they’d be doing it anyway, and they don’t need to be convinced! (They just need to be told, like we did, that you need to be careful).

No, it’s aimed at women who don’t want to, and it’s written in such a way to pressure them into it. In fact, later in the book Gary talks about Erica and Timothy, where Timothy starts taking the mental load for the household JUST ON FRIDAYS so that they can have great sex that night. So he will be an engaged partner on one day so that he can get sex, and then things go back to normal.

Anyway, in that passage, Gary writes: “She and Timothy started sharing some text messages and even, on occasion, a photo or two.” So again, he’s normalizing sending nude photos.

When does women’s emotional and physical safety get to matter more than men’s desire to objectify their wives?

When?

Is this really so much to ask?

Where was Zondervan’s editing team when Gary wrote this? Where was Debra?

Do they not care how many women are victimized in this way? Do they think it’s okay to pressure women like this?

And now Focus on the Family is promoting this book which will pressure women into sending nude photos, and some of those women will have those photos used against them.

We know that. That’s simply a statistical reality. And many of those women will feel cheap and used because of their husbands’ pornified style of relating and porn issues which Gary is so quick to minimize.

And Focus on the Family doesn’t care.

It could be that they will never listen. But I believe that you all will.

You all see that this stuff is toxic and wrong and dangerous. And so please speak up. Ask Focus on the Family why they are promoting this book. Comment on their Facebook Page with their recent posts about Married Sex.  If you ever see anyone talk about Married Sex on social media, set them straight. If you’ve read it, or read excerpts, leave a review on Amazon or Goodreads. We can’t stop it from being published. We can’t stop Focus on the Family from promoting toxic stuff. But we can warn others not to buy it. And then hopefully it will just shrink away.

Again, you can read my whole review of Married Sex here. 

Also, if you want to change the evangelical conversation about sex, please keep talking about The Great Sex Rescue! And check out our two new books which make AWESOME wedding gifts or shower gifts, and which are awesome for couples starting out or who have been married for a while and want to get this right!

 

The All New Guides to Great Sex!Launch March 15! Imagine building a great sex life--from the ground up!

What would it look like to build a picture of sex that was MUTUAL, INTIMATE, and PLEASURABLE FOR BOTH--with no harmful messages?

Welcome to the The Good Guy's Guide to Great Sex and the ALL NEW Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex. Pre-Order Now! (Helps us out a ton)

And if you email your receipt, we'll send you a special pre-order BONUS

Pre-Order Now Email Us Your Receipt

We’ll never be able to stop people from writing and publishing and promoting harmful stuff entirely.

But hopefully we can shrink their numbers to much that their influence is minimal. Are you with me?

Do women ever get to matter? What do you think? How should we respond to this? Why does this stuff get promoted? Let’s talk in the comments.

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila is determined to help Christians find BIBLICAL, HEALTHY, EVIDENCE-BASED help for their marriage. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts I Want You. I Need You. I Hope You Like Me Back!

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PODCAST: The ABCs of Arousal and the Sexual Response Cycle

Too many people don’t understand the sexual response cycle–so let’s spell it out and figure out why this lack of info has become so prevalent in evangelicalism!

It’s time for a new podcast, and today’s podcast summarizes yesterday’s post on the sexual response cycle. 

What prompted this? Three weeks ago we analyzed one of Emerson Eggerichs’ podcasts, and I spit my tea when Connor told me that you can’t really tell if a woman is turned on. And then Eggerichs proceeded to teach that women get turned on when you vacuum, so if you want to turn her on, don’t try turning her on. 

He was equating “willingness to have sex” with arousal–and they are such totally different things. 

So let’s talk about how we got to this point, and then explain the sexual response cycle and see how it relates to two reader questions.

Listen to the Podcast Here

Browse all the Different Podcasts

See the Last “Start Your Engines” (Men’s) Podcast

Or, as always, you can watch on YouTube:

 

Timeline of the Podcast

0:10 Announcements
3:15 Rebecca’s thoughts on sexy vacuuming
10:55 Dunning/Krueger Effect
23:00 Knowing you know nothing
31:00 What is really being misunderstood?
37:00 Consider looking at the money
42:00 The Sexual Response Cycle
46:45 RQ: My husband won’t initiate!
59:10 Encouragement

Thank you to our sponsor: The Intimately Us App

This is so much more than just a foreplay app–though it is that. It’s an app to help you learn about the entire sexual response cycle–how you grow desire (the wanting to have sex, not just the willingness to have sex); what gets you each excited; how to build arousal; and how to move towards orgasm!

Plus it’s super fun and helps get you out of that rut! And it’s not about making you do things you’re not comfortable with at all. Instead it’s about helping you each learn what you’re comfortable with, and what your spouse is comfortable with, and learn what makes each other tick.

It’s the app I would have made, if I had made an app!

Read My Review of It! Check the App Out! Main Segment: The Dunning Krueger Effect and Knowledge of the Sexual Response Cycle

Rebecca gets her chance to respond to the podcast we analyzed (she wasn’t there when we initially talked about it), and we share Keith’s theory that this is evidence of the Dunning-Kruger effect:

Basically, when you start to learn a little bit about something, your confidence goes way up and you think you know everything. That’s the Peak of Mount Stupid. But as you learn a little more, you realize you actually know nothing (that’s the Valley of Despair). Then, as you gradually learn more, your confidence starts to grow again.

So our question is: when it comes to giving marriage and sex advice in the evangelical church, is there an incentive for teachers to remain on the Peak of Mount Stupid? Because we live in both a celebrity culture church and a hierarchical church where power is in the top (and that power is always in the hands of men) perhaps there isn’t any self-correction mechanism?

Reader Questions: My Husband Won’t Initiate

Keith and I then explained the sexual response cycle, and looked at two reader questions where it looks like lack of understanding of the cycle is playing a role.

I have never said no to my husband. I was told never to say no, and in over a decade of marriage I might have said the word once. For the last 3yrs(?), my husband has not been initiating. When we have sex it’s because I initiate. Talking to my husband, he says he doesn’t initiate because he feels like what’s the point of sex if it’s not good for me and he’s not into duty sex. 

I have been the only one to initiate sex. Even if I do initiate it he barely touches me or now even kisses me . He seems to only be interested in how great I make his body feel. The thing is that even if I get him so excited he is going to burst he will NOT make a move. It has to be me if intercourse is going to happen.. It’s like he is paralyzed to do anything. On the few occasions he ever tried to touch me during sex then he dives right in for the clitoris. No foreplay, no kissing. I have tried to express that I need him to touch me and turn me on but he says if I have to tell him what to do its as if he is being ordered around and that makes him a failure. He was exposed to pornography (playboy) when he was around 6 or 7 by an older brother. I have done all the paying attention to his body, wants and needs during sex and am hurting so much inside.

When we don’t understand the sexual response cycle, we can think that the wife isn’t sexual or is rejecting him because she’s not straight at arousal the way he often is. That’s why we need to understand that we all work differently, and work WITH our bodies! 

Keith and I go into this in great detail in both The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex and The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex! They’re both out March 15, and if you pre-order them now, you can get access to them right away, plus join our launch team and have an exclusive Facebook group!

The All New Guides to Great Sex!Launch March 15! Imagine building a great sex life--from the ground up!

What would it look like to build a picture of sex that was MUTUAL, INTIMATE, and PLEASURABLE FOR BOTH--with no harmful messages?

Welcome to the The Good Guy's Guide to Great Sex and the ALL NEW Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex. Pre-Order Now! (Helps us out a ton)

And if you email your receipt, we'll send you a special pre-order BONUS

Pre-Order Now Email Us Your Receipt Things Mentioned in This Podcast:The Intimately Us app!The podcast where we dissected Emerson Eggerichs’ reply to the woman crying in the shower; and the podcast where the woman crying in the shower respondsUse the coupon code AROUSAL for 20% off The Orgasm Course until Valentine’s Day!The Dunning Kruger Effect: Article 1 and Article 2Pre-Order The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex and/or The all new Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex! And then send us your receipt to get the preorder bonuses and/or join the launch team!The Sexual Response Cycle articleHow a men’s rights group recommend Love & Respect to convince your wife to enter into a BDSM relationshipThe 990 Tax Forms for Emerson Eggerichs’ non-profit for 2019 Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila is determined to help Christians find BIBLICAL, HEALTHY, EVIDENCE-BASED help for their marriage. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts She’s Just a Mom, Cleaning Her Kitchen, Asking the Powers that Be to Do Their Job

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6: Do You Know the Stages of the Sexual Response Cycle?

So…have you ever heard the term “sexual response cycle”?

Basically what it means is that our bodies go through distinct stages during sexual arousal and response, leading up to orgasm and then resolving. 

And many of us don’t understand what those stages are–which can make huge misunderstandings regarding sex more likely to occur. 

Exhibit A: Emerson Eggerichs mixes up “turned on” and “aroused” with “willingness to not say no to sex”

If you remember from the podcast a few weeks ago where we dissected Emerson Eggerichs’ reply to a woman writing in saying she was crying in the shower before sex, I ended up spitting my tea when Connor told me that Eggerichs said it’s difficult to tell if a woman is aroused. 

Eggerichs later said that the best way to turn a woman on is to not try to turn her on and not do sexual things, but instead vacuum. Women get aroused when you vacuum.

So he was using terms like “turn on” and “aroused”, but in the context he was using them, what he appeared to mean was “willing to let you have sex with her.”

There really was nothing at all about her actually wanting sex–except he said that the two days around ovulation she may respond differently.

This is the problem with our language around sex; we often use terms in the everyday vernacular, like “turned on” or “excited” or “aroused” interchangeably, and have no idea that terms can actually mean different things–and that we should understand sexual response as a progression.

In our new books The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex and The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, we talk a lot about the sexual response cycle and why it matters. 

And for our series on the “number of the day” this week, I’m going to declare that today’s number is:

That’s the number of stages in the sexual response cycle!

Here’s basically what it looks like (from The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex):

Now, we’ve put in more stages than some (often people leave out plateau and often people leave out desire) but we put them all in there because what you do to proceed along the sexual response cycle changes based on where you are in that cycle. 

Here’s the key thing to remember and why this is important:

Our bodies reach orgasm by proceeding through that cycle, in order. You can’t skip a stage and end up at orgasm.

And so what we do in the book is go into great detail about what the different stages look like, and what you can do in each stage! But I’m going to drastically simplify it here.

I’m going to explain desire at the end, but let’s look at the other stages:

Excitement

What it looks like: You’re starting to get “turned on”. Men get erections; women start to get wet and the heartrate starts to increase (along with other changes).

What kind of activity helps move things along: Think affection with some sexy and teasing thrown in. Kissing, starting light and getting heavier. Nuzzling necks and ears. Running hands along arms and backs of legs.

Arousal

What it looks like: You’re really “turned on”! His erection is harder; her clitoris and nipples are erect and lubrication is going in full force.

What kind of activity helps move things along: Stimulation of the erogenous zones!

Plateau

What it looks like: You’re almost there and desperately wanting to reach orgasm. Her clitoris retracts against her body so it’s flat.

What kind of activity helps move things along: Consistency–more of the same. Same timing, same pressure. During the arousal phase you may mix things up and tease to have fun; at the plateau stage, it’s better to just keep going! (or, if you want to make sex last a lot longer, then keep switching things up).

Orgasm

What it looks like: Ejaculation for him; rhythmic waves of pleasure for her that coincide with vaginal contractions and other physical signs. Euphoria in both.

What kind of activity helps move things along: If she relaxes into it, she can often keep it going.

Resolution

What it looks like: Feeling sleepy and very relaxed and blissful. (if you feel sad or have a major crash at orgasm, you may have post-coital dysphoria. You can talk to a physician about this).

Now let’s throw desire into the sexual response cycle.

Desire is the mental component of sex where you mentally feel turned on and “I really want to have sex right now!” This can also be called libido.

Some people don’t put it as part of the sexual response cycle, but I think it’s important to understand where it fits, because some people feel desire BEFORE sexual activity starts (call them “spontaneous desire” people), and some people don’t really feel like they want sex until AFTER some excitement and kissing has begun (call them “responsive desire”  people).

It’s easy for a spontaneous desire person married to a responsive desire person to feel as if the spouse never wants sex–when really they just kick in a little differently. And it’s easy for a responsive desire person to assume that they’re just not sexual.

But we measured this in our survey of women, and it doesn’t matter whether desire comes before or after excitement; as long as she is confident she’s going to get aroused once she starts sexual activity, then she finishes sex with the same blissful feelings. We need to stop labelling responsive desire people as less sexual. They just need more warming up; that’s all!

3 Quick Reasons It’s Important to Understand the Sexual Response Cycle1. If a couple proceeds through the cycle at a different pace, it’s easy to think that the slower person isn’t interested in sex.

For guys, desire-excitement-arousal often look very similar and don’t seem very differentiated. It’s kind of a “more of the same” type of thing.

But for women, physiologically it actually is quite different. Guys, when they’re ready to have sex, are often ready to jump into the serious erogenous zone stuff. But she’s often not there yet.

This does not mean that she doesn’t want sex or that she isn’t sexual. 

Women are actually capable of intense pleasure, and can have multiple orgasms on top of each other, something men can’t do. So let’s not assume she’s not sexual; let’s just realize she may be different.

2. The key to sexual response is listening to your bodies, not performing a checklist of sexual acts.

If you go straight for the clitoris (or vagina!) before she’s remotely aroused or lubricated (so even before excitement starts, for instance), it will feel like a Pap smear. It won’t be a pleasant experience. So when books tell you that the way to arouse a woman is to do X,Y and Z, you need to toss the books. The key instead is to do the types of things that your spouse enjoys at the appropriate stage.

Learn to pay attention to her body (because she’s usually the one who looks very different at each stage). Don’t think “kissing is affection” and “breast play is sexual” and so if you decide “we’re going to have sex” then we don’t really need to kiss, because we can go straight for the nipples. No! She does have to move through excitement and desire first (in whatever order).

3. You need to proceed with sexual activity at the timing of the person with the longest sexual response cycle.

Pay attention to that very last stage: resolution. What happens? You feel very peaceful, relaxed, and SLEEPY. That means that if he reaches orgasm first, it’s going to be more difficult for him to help her reach orgasm afterwards because everything in his body wants to go to sleep.

And if he’s obviously sleepy, she’s going to feel self-conscious and feel like she’s taking too long. So go through the cycle at the pace of the person who takes the longest, and things will work out much better!

Do you see how it’s important to not confuse “turned on” and “aroused” with desire?

And all of this explains why vacuuming can’t get her aroused! If arousal is the state where the clitoris is erect and the areolas are 25% larger and breathing is faster, vacuuming is just not going to do that (and I’m really trying not to picture anyone for whom it might).

And this is why I spit my tea.

Keith and I spend several chapters on the sexual arousal cycle and how to help her reach orgasm (it’s vastly expanded from the original Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex), and we’re really trying to help couples bridge that 47 point orgasm gap!

I think you’ll really like the books. They build a healthy sex life from the ground up. And if you pre-order them now (they’re out March 15!), you can join our launch team and get access to the books right away, and get our preorder bonus!

The All New Guides to Great Sex!Launch March 15! Imagine building a great sex life--from the ground up!

What would it look like to build a picture of sex that was MUTUAL, INTIMATE, and PLEASURABLE FOR BOTH--with no harmful messages?

Welcome to the The Good Guy's Guide to Great Sex and the ALL NEW Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex. Pre-Order Now! (Helps us out a ton)

And if you email your receipt, we'll send you a special pre-order BONUS

Pre-Order Now Email Us Your Receipt So there you go: The sexual response cycle.

I hope some of you may have learned something new today! And maybe then we can start talking about this stuff a little more accurately.

(And heads up: We’re going to go over this in tomorrow’s podcast too!).

What do you think? Is this new for you? Do you think understanding this can make a difference? Let’s talk in the comments!

The Number of the Day SeriesHow Many Men Think They Do Enough Foreplay Even if She Doesn't Orgasm? How Many Elements are in the Sexual Response Cycle?What Percentage of Women Orgasm--but Don't Have Close Marriages? (coming soon)How Many Men Are Upset about their Wives' Lack of Adventure? (and what does that mean?) (coming soon)How Many Men Believe the Obligation Sex Message? (and what effect does this have on other areas of their marriage?) (coming soon)How Many Men Watch Porn? (And what are the effects?) (coming soon)Is Lust REALLY Every Man's Battle? (coming soon)Can the Way We Do the Honeymoon Increase the Rate of Vaginismus? (coming soon)

Plus Pre-Order The Good Guy's Guide to Great Sex and The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex (they launch March 15!)

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila is determined to help Christians find BIBLICAL, HEALTHY, EVIDENCE-BASED help for their marriage. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts The Podcast With the Woman Who Was Crying in the Shower Before Sex

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What Does It Meant to Be “Against Abuse”?

Okay, everybody: raise your hand if you’re pro-abuse!

Of course no one is pro-abuse.

So what does it mean to be anti-abuse?

Just a few quick thoughts on a Tuesday (I try not to write long posts on Tuesdays to give myself a day to get a lot of work done), but I had something I wanted to share.

i told you last Friday in my round-up about an Instagram post where we were “fixing” Owen Strachan’s tweet after the Ravi Zacharias scandal broke, where Owen claimed that “it could easily be me” who formed a sex trafficking ring and was a serial sexual abuser. I said that it’s not okay to identify with the abuser and engage in sin-levelling.

Owen Strachan ended up interacting in the comments on Instagram (It’s threaded, so it’s hard to find, but it’s there) defending himself, and claiming that we were accusing him of saying things he doesn’t believe.

But I want to take a step back for a moment and ask a bigger question: What does it mean to be against abuse?

Lots of people say, “Obviously I’m against abuse, but….”

But is it obvious they’re against abuse? I mean, what does it mean to be pro-abuse? That you approve of abuse? Well, no one approves of abuse, except some psychopaths and abusers (and even abusers would likely say they’re against abuse, they just don’t think they’re abusers).

It’s like saying, “Is anyone pro-kicking puppies?” Of course not. Everyone is anti-kicking puppies.

So being against abuse must mean more than simply thinking abuse is bad.

Let me suggest that if you’re really against abuse, you should actually want it to stop. And that means that you should be against the things that we know are highly correlated with abuse. People who are against abuse should want the things that lead to abuse to be minimized, and should be actively fighting against those things.

So, for instance, we should:

Allow divorce for abuse (because we should not keep people trapped in abusive marriages)Reject teachings that are highly correlated with abuse, like telling wives to submit in everything; like telling wives to have unconditional respect for their husbands; like telling wives they cannot say no to sex or it’s a sin; like telling husbands that they have authority over their wives and are entitled to respect, deference, sex, and even obedience.Treat women as whole people, rather than see them as appendages for men or see them as only good for what they can do for men. We should stop relegating women to serving roles in church, like serving in the kitchen or the nursery, and value women for their ideas and intellectual contributions as well.Create an environment where women are not blamed for men’s sins. We should stop calling teenage girls stumbling blocks for boys or even adult men. We should stop asking women what they were wearing.Blame men for their own sins, like lust or porn use or even anger outbursts, rather than asking what the wife did to provoke any of those thingsCreate church structures where, if a woman needed help with an abusive husband, she wouldn’t have to turn to those husbands’ friends for help. When the board is all men, it’s very hard for women to be believed and heard, and it’s very intimidating.Dismiss abusers from leadership positions and work hard to keep them out of any further leadership positions until there is significant, long-term change and repentance as determined by the abuse victims.Prioritize the abuse victim’s safety afterwards, rather than the abuser’s reputation

And I could go on and on, these are only a few off the top of my head.

If you say you are against abuse, but you promote ideas that we know lead to higher rates of abuse, and you don’t help abuse victims get out, and you support the abuser?

Then you’re not really against abuse.

Being against abuse is far more than just a generalized feeling that “abuse is bad.” Being against abuse means actively working against the things that we know lead to abuse.

And that’s why we look at a lot of these guys and have no problem saying, “From what I see, he doesn’t look to be against abuse at all.”

The Launch Team for The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex and The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex is up and running!

We do our first Facebook Live tonight, and there’s still time to get in on the fun!

Just pre-order the books, and then email your receipt, and you’ll get an invite! Plus an amazing preorder bonus: The Evangelical Sex Report Card! Hope to see you there.

The All New Guides to Great Sex!Launch March 15! Imagine building a great sex life--from the ground up!

What would it look like to build a picture of sex that was MUTUAL, INTIMATE, and PLEASURABLE FOR BOTH--with no harmful messages?

Welcome to the The Good Guy's Guide to Great Sex and the ALL NEW Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex. Pre-Order Now! (Helps us out a ton)

And if you email your receipt, we'll send you a special pre-order BONUS

Pre-Order Now Email Us Your Receipt Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila is determined to help Christians find BIBLICAL, HEALTHY, EVIDENCE-BASED help for their marriage. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts 71: How Much Foreplay is Enough?

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I Want You. I Need You. I Hope You Like Me Back!

In this case, 2/3 may be bad!

I’ve got that song by Meatball going through my head–“I want you, I need you”–because I want to tell you about our Launch Team for The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex and the totally revamped Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex!

Uh oh.

A bunch of you have already tuned out.

“Launch Team”? Teams do WORK. Who wants to work? That sounds yucky.

What if I told you that the “work” was really only about writing a great review on Amazon/Goodreads?

And sharing some social media graphics and telling friends, if you want. 

But that last part’s totally up to you. 

That’s not so scary now anymore, right?

And what if I told you that we want to give you some goodies, too?

Keith and I will be doing exclusive Facebook Lives for our Launch Team every week between now and our March 15 launch! We’ll have some Q&A “Have lunch with Sheila”s where I’ll hang out eating my lunch, and you can drop by and just chat! And Rebecca will likely jump in too.

And the first 100 people to  write a review for each book (so 200 in all) get a FREE additional paperback of the book (or some other goodie if you’re outside of North America).

And what if I told you that if you join the launch team, you’ll get your copy of the book, or books, right away, instead of having to wait until March 15?

Seriously, if you’re going to order the book, or books, anyway, this is a no brainer!

Order The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex or The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and then send us your receipt. And you’ll get an invite to our launch team and get an electronic copy you can read ahead of time! Plus you’ll have a bunch of exclusive time to talk to me and Rebecca, ask your questions, and just hang out with other people who want to change the conversation about sex in the evangelical world, too.

The All New Guides to Great Sex!Launch March 15! Imagine building a great sex life–from the ground up!

What would it look like to build a picture of sex that was MUTUAL, INTIMATE, and PLEASURABLE FOR BOTH–with no harmful messages?

Welcome to the The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex and the ALL NEW Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex. Pre-Order Now! (Helps us out a ton)

And if you email your receipt, we’ll send you a special pre-order BONUS

Pre-Order Now Email Us Your Receipt And that’s not all–

No, you won’t get a set of kitchen knives or a lifetime supply of Rice-A-Roni, the San Francisco treat.

But we do have a bonus that isn’t even in the books!

You’ll get the Evangelical Sex Report Card!

Based on our surveys of both men and women, we pull back the curtain on what’s going on in evangelical bedrooms.

Find out how we score on foreplay, orgasm rates, frequency, sexual pain, and more!Discover the element of sex where evangelicals score an A–and the one where we score an F.Plus learn whether or not lust is REALLY every man’s battle–with bonus material that isn’t even in the books!

When you forward us your pre-order receipt, you’ll get our pre-order bonus–the report card–and an invite to join the launch group!

 

Think of these Guides to Great Sex as building great sex from the ground up.

Where The Great Sex Rescue pointed out where we had gone wrong, and invited us to reframe how we saw sex, these guides build something healthy from the beginning.

What would it look like if we tried to paint a picture of great sex without building on any harmful messages? What would it look like if we built it properly in the first place?

I actually wrote the first edition of The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex back in 2012. It still scored very well on our rubric–47/48. But I still wasn’t happy with it. Even though I talked about women with higher sex drives; consent; how you’re not responsible for your husband’s porn use, etc., I still felt like in the end it was far too gendered an approach to sex. Since I’ve learned so much more about libido and how women actually see sex from our huge surveys, I felt desperate to revise the book, even though it’s always sold very well.

When Zondervan contracted us to write The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex, I asked if I could rewrite The Good Girl’s Guide. And I did. It’s completely new! No more gendered chapters. Much more on orgasm and the sexual response cycle (more on that in this week’s podcast, too!). And a more nuanced look at libido.

Imagine if we could talk about sex the right way–from the beginning!

Sheila Gregoire is basically the “Dr. Ruth” for the church. And what a gift she is! Sadly, there is a lot that Christian women need to unlearn about sex from what they’ve been taught in the church or in Christian books. Gregoire offers a thoroughly researched, biblically informed guide to great sex that is possibly more practical than conversations with your closest girlfriend. And she recaptures the meaningfulness, intimacy, and fun that sex is designed to offer to your marriage. Every engaged and married woman needs a copy of this book!

Aimee Byrd

author of Recovering from Biblical Manhood and Womanhood

And pre-ordering is a no-brainer…because:

When you pre-order, you’re guaranteed the lowest price. At Amazon, they lower the price the more people buy the book. And you pay the lowest price between now and launch! So by pre-ordering, you’re helping to lower the price AND you’re guaranteed the lowest price there is!

Finally, a book that can guide us, men, into becoming what we have long pretended to be. A wildly good lover! This book is radically helpful on the journey toward becoming sexually healthy and fully embodied. Sheila and Keith have written a must-read for anyone who has previously had sex, is currently having sex or would like to have sex in the future! Thank you for this wise guide!

Andrew J. Bauman, LMHC

cofounder and director of the Christian Counseling Center for Sexual Health and Trauma

The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex is a life (in the bedroom) changing resource to help couples close the gap between what they hope for from sex and what they actually experience. Written by a bestselling sex expert and her physician husband, this hope-infused, medically savvy book will empower men to love their wives as equal partners in all things amorous, as well as help them understand what’s really going on between the sheets of sexual passion and sexual struggle. Here you’ll find fresh perspective and compelling rationale for why so much of what we’ve been taught about sex is as unhealthy as it is unhelpful. It may make you mad (when you realize you’ve been misled), but it will bring you joy. It may make you blush, but it will heal your shame. And best of all, it will deepen your marital intimacy at every level—emotional, spiritual, and physical.

Michael John Cusick

Sexual addiction expert and author of Surfing for God

Seriously, I’d love to have you pre-order, and we would LOVE to have as many of you as possible join our Launch Team!

We’ve been saying for three years now that we desperately want to change the evangelical conversation about sex. We started that with The Great Sex Rescue–and so many of you have spoken up and talked to your churches and friends and counselors and pastors and it’s working!

But we need to keep the momentum going. Quite frankly, we need new books to start being the “go-to sex books” so that more couples aren’t hurt. 

We need to tell the Christian community WHY so many newlywed brides experience vaginismus–and the very simple mind-shifts that can lower that rate.

We need to teach both couples that lust is NOT every man’s battle, and that the objectification of women and the male sex drive are not one and the same. 

We need to spread messages that are healthy, so that the harm stops and couples thrive!

When you pre-order it, you help us so much. And if you're going to order it anyway, then join the launch team, too, and get your hands on it early! I'll join!

Not interested in the launch team? You can still pre-order and get the bonuses (including that Evangelical Sex Report Card!)

And here’s where I start to sing again: Did you know that pre-ordering really helps the authors?

I’m going to be honest. So much of the success of new books depends on how it does straight out of the gate. When books have “buzz”, then more news stories will cover it. Amazon orders more copies. The rankings go up, and that encourages other bookstores to order it. 

And so on, and so on. 

Books that do well right away tend to keep doing well. So the stronger start we have, the better. And when you pre-order, you start the momentum! 

These both make awesome gifts for anyone you know who is about to get married. But they’re also great for couples who have been married for a while (maybe YOU!) and just want a more complete picture of what sex is supposed to be–PHYSICALLY, EMOTIONALLY, and SPIRITUALLY!

So I hope you join us! We’re doing our first Facebook Live in the group tomorrow night, and I’d love to see you there!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila is determined to help Christians find BIBLICAL, HEALTHY, EVIDENCE-BASED help for their marriage. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts 5 Ways Hierarchy in Marriage Hurts Men, Too

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She’s Just a Mom, Cleaning Her Kitchen, Asking the Powers that Be to Do Their Job

On my Friday Round-Ups I like to focus on things that have happened around the web on social media, because that’s where so much conversation takes place.

And you can miss it if you only watch the blog!

There are two big things from my own social media I want to share with you today, but the main thing I’d like to do is introduce you to Rebecca’s Instagram.  She doesn’t post that often, because she’s so busy with the two babies and it’s all she can do to get the chapters for our mother-daughter book drafted.

But every now and then she does (It’s a video so hit play if you can):

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Rebecca Lindenbach (@rebeccalindenbach)

I think people sometimes forget that we wrote The Great Sex Rescue without an office, without real funding, without much of anything. Rebecca and Joanna were raising babies and birthing babies (literally) and even losing babies (which was heartbreaking). I was sitting in my yellow chair.

We are not powerful. But we are changing the conversation because what we’re saying is resonating. People know it’s right. And so you all are amplifying, and we’re becoming one big voice.

But when people paint us as bullies, I have to laugh, because they have huge organizations and media outlets behind them, and we have….this. 

For those of you who can’t read Rebecca’s caption, I’ll print it out here too:

THIS is what I spend most of my time doing.

Cleaning my kitchen.
Breastfeeding my daughter.
Reading to my son.
Folding laundry.
Taking care of my home.

There are some big-name authors who talk about me as if I’m some big evil mastermind, like there’s some huge conspiracy against them, like they’re somehow the victims when they’re the ones who are propped up by the largest organizations in Evangelicalism today. The ones who have made their living off the backs of women who have been bruised and beaten by their false teachings.

I hate to break it to them, but it’s not true—I’m not anyone special. I’m just a mom who wants better for her kids.

I’m just a mom who refuses to allow her son to grow up in a church who sees him as a lustful animal who needs women to keep him honest.

I’m just a mom who refuses to subject her daughter to soul-destroying teachings that her body is a problem, and her role is to be second to a man.

I’m just a mom who sees the poison you are pouring into her children’s milk, and is finally standing up.

I think they have to see us as some big mastermind threat. Like some huge, powerful enemy.

Because the alternative is way scarier.

The alternative is that we are just normal women. And we aren’t taking your crap anymore.

Rebecca Lindenbach

Instagram

She did not learn about our sin nature in having babies. 

Here’s another of her posts that really resonated when I shared it in my own Instagram stories:

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Rebecca Lindenbach (@rebeccalindenbach)

Again, if you can’t read the caption (it doesn’t always come through on all the RSS feeds), here it is:

My kids are good.

Yes the baby cries. Yes she bites me every now and then.

Yes Alex spills his milk when he doesn’t pay attention. Yes he has big emotions when he gets overwhelmed.

But these are not “badness.” These are necessary parts of learning. My kids aren’t just “good kids”—my kids are an example of goodness.

They remind me every day that although I’m still learning, I was born with the same goodness my kids have.

The goodness that drives them towards connection.

The goodness of the look of joy when they learn something new.

The goodness in satisfaction and contentment found in everyday needs being met.

I love getting to see that goodness flourish. I don’t have to break their spirits, “beat the devil out of them,” or see them as dirty rotten sinners.

My job is to foster that goodness. To rejoice when they run towards love, towards Christ, and not get in their way.

“Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.” Matt 19:14

Rebecca Lindenbach

Instagram

See it on Instagram! You may also enjoy:Why I’m not telling my kids they’re dirty rotten sinnersCan we please stop spanking babies?What does the research say about spanking? Now for me–A Man’s Sex Drive is Not Like a Bedridden Woman Needing Someone to Get Her Water

On Facebook this week I shared a post by Ed Young, a megachurch pastor from Fellowship Church, who last week talked about sex in his sermon. He recorded a one minute video about how to understand a man’s sex drive–how it’s like a bedridden woman wanting her husband to give her water, and he keeps refusing. 

It was absolutely awful. 

Here’s what I said about it:

No, Ed Young, a woman saying no to sex is not equivalent to a husband not giving a bedridden wife the water she needs to stay alive.

People often tell me that I’m making too big a deal out of the problems with how the evangelical church teaches sex, and it’s not as bad as I say it is.

Well, this is what Ed Young, a megachurch pastor of Fellowship Church, posted JUST TWO DAYS AGO.

Let’s go through the big things that are totally wrong with this message:

A person will die without water after 3 days. Nobody dies from lack of sex.He frames this as talking about a “man’s sex drive.” But in 19% of marriages SHE has the higher sex drive, and in 23% it’s shared. We need to stop making this gendered.He totally neglects to point out that the spouse the most likely to be deprived, if we simply count orgasms, is actually the woman. We should not be pressuring women to have sex without first saying that sex needs to be MUTUAL, INTIMATE, and PLEASURABLE FOR BOTH. We have a 47 point orgasm gap. Deal with that first.There is NEVER a reason to deprive a sick, bedridden person of water. There are plenty of times in a marriage where sex should be off the table, such as the postpartum period; recovery from pornography; recovery from betrayal trauma; a period of grief; when dealing with depression or anxiety; when dealing with abuse; even when trying to develop a healthy view of sex and needing some space to examine what you were taught.He elevates his sex drive over anything she may be feeling. 22% of evangelical women have experienced primary sexual pain (vaginismus being the most common) and 27% have experienced pain with sex after childbirth. To say that his need for sex is the equivalent of denying a sick person water without mentioning that she has needs too is negligent, to put it mildly.This reinforces the OBLIGATION SEX MESSAGE. When she believes the obligation sex message, her chance of experiencing vaginismus increases by the same rate as if she had been abused; she is 4 times less likely to frequently orgasm; she is 4 times less likely to say her husband makes her sexual pleasure a priority (among many other problems). When HE believes it? He is twice as likely to admit he doesn’t make his wife’s pleasure a priority (and other bad stuff, including a lower chance of his wife reaching orgasm).This makes it sound like women just say no to sex for no reason. But on the contrary: When there is high marital satisfaction; when she feels emotionally close to her husband during sex; when there is no porn use; when there is no sexual dysfunction; and when she frequently orgasms? Frequency takes care of itself. Pressuring women to have more sex WITHOUT talking about these underlying issues completely ignores her experience and centers sex around the man–which is ALSO one reason why women have low libidos.

And it’s not like it’s hard to talk about this in a healthy way! We showed how to reframe these messages in The Great Sex Rescue, and in the upcoming books The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex (totally revised!) and The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex, we build from the ground up a healthy marital sexual ethic.

Simply say, “Sex is a beautiful thing that God gave us, and it’s an important part of a healthy marriage. It’s meant to be MUTUAL, INTIMATE, and PLEASURABLE for both. But sometimes one of us has a higher felt need for sex than the other. Love and cherish each other outside the bedroom, and learn to be giving inside the bedroom, but remember that sex is the culmination of a wonderful relationship; it cannot, and it should not, build that relationship all on its own.”

Sheila Wray Gregoire

On Facebook

The comment section was great too! Plus you have to see the original video (and go comment on his page as well. Let’s call him out for this!).

See it on Facebook The Great Sex RescueChanging the conversation about sex & marriage in the evangelical church. What if you're NOT the problem with your sex life?

What if the things that you've been taught have messed things up--and what if there's a way to escape these messages?

Welcome to the Great Sex Rescue. Order Now! I Fixed Owen Strachan for You!

Owen Strachan was prominent with the Council for Biblical Manhood and Womanhood, and in his manifesto last week, Keith talked about how Owen’s response to hearing that Ravi Zacharias was a serial sexual predator was to say, “that could have been me.” And Keith agrees. It could have been, because the things Owen believe naturally lead to this kind of behaviour. They are the root. So we believe Owen. 

Here’s the Fixed It For You where I talked about Keith’s post:

Here’s what I said about it:

Dear Owen: WE BELIEVE YOU when you say that you identify with abusers.

When you hear about the Ravi Zacharias scandal, and how he sexually abused many women and even sex trafficked many internationally, and how he viewed these women as “rewards” for his years of service to God–

–and your first thought is, “That could easily have been me…”

We totally believe you.

Recently on the blog my husband Keith wrote his “manifesto”, asking Christian men to realize how dangerous so much evangelical rhetoric has become for women, and asking men to jump out of the boiling water.

He says:

If even after all I have said, you still can’t let go of the idea of male preeminence, then please know this:

To those of us who have jumped out of the boiling water, when you shout about women needing to submit while failing to work on your own moral failings, we do not see a protector of Biblical truth. We see a scared little boy trying to feel strong by making others feel weak.

Similarly, when you shame and chastise women for immodest dress and “being a stumbling block”, we do not see those women as the harlots you try to paint them. Instead, we see you as a man who is not safe to be around.

And, most of all, when you push patriarchy and male privilege and then say you could EASILY become an abuser, know this: WE BELIEVE YOU.

(Read Keith’s whole Manifesto)

Interestingly, Owen actually jumped into the comments on Instagram (you have to root around, it’s buried in threads) to accuse us of slander. I think that’s kind of funny.

Owen says: I could have been an abuser. 

We say: We agree with everything you say. We think you could have been an abuser too.

Owen says: That’s slander. 

It would be funny if it weren’t so sad and serious!

See it on Instagram! So that’s it for my Friday roundup!

On Monday our Launch Team for The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex and the ALL NEW TOTALLY REVAMPED Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex launches! We’ve got an amazing preorder bonus with results from our men’s survey that aren’t even in the book. We’ve got an evangelical sex report card! Plus on the launch team you get an exclusive Facebook group with lots of Facebook lives and chances to interact with me and Rebecca and Keith, and a chance to get the books RIGHT NOW.

Want to reserve your spot on the launch team? Just email me your receipt for your preorder and you’ll get everything you need!

Anything stand out to you today? What do you think about what Rebecca said about babies? What about what Ed Young said about water? Let’s talk in the comments!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila is determined to help Christians find BIBLICAL, HEALTHY, EVIDENCE-BASED help for their marriage. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts Keith’s Views on Deconstructing the Faith–and Reconstructing Something Healthy

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The post She’s Just a Mom, Cleaning Her Kitchen, Asking the Powers that Be to Do Their Job appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

The Podcast With the Woman Who Was Crying in the Shower Before Sex

Two weeks ago on the podcast we told you about a women who wrote in to Emerson Eggerichs of Love & Respect, saying she was crying in the shower before sex.

She said that if she didn’t have sex with her husband, he would treat her very badly. His response? Her husband had a goldmine. She was being obedient and should rejoice! At least she wasn’t being crucified or tortured.

It was abysmal. 

Well, that woman heard our podcast, and wrote in to me, and today’s podcast features an interview with her! (And don’t worry; she’s doing great now!). 

This was an important podcast to do, because I talk all the time about how harmful so much of this teaching is. But it’s rare that we can actually put a story behind that harm. Now we can!

Listen to the Podcast Here

Browse all the Different Podcasts

See the Last “Start Your Engines” (Men’s) Podcast

Or, as always, you can watch on YouTube:

 

Timeline of the Podcast

0:10 Background for today’s guest
4:00 Our guest shares her story
13:00 The process of seeking help in church settings
25:00 Her experience with the original podcast
32:15 Experience with counseling
37:15 Getting out of the marriage
45:45 Research segment with Keith
48:30 RQ: My mom is being abused!
54:30 Closing thoughts

Thank you to our sponsor, the Intimately Us App!

Intimately us is such a fun app! I’d call it a foreplay app, but it’s so much more. You can play bedroom games that help you spice things up, but you also learn about what you each like (and don’t like), and discover so much more about yourself. Plus it helps foreplay last longer, and that helps her to enjoy sex more!

Read My Review of It! Check the App Out! Main Segment: We must face the fact that Emerson Eggerichs cannot identify abuse and encourages abuse to continue with his advice.

We saw so many red flags in her letter to him; he didn’t see a single one. It was obvious she was being sexually coerced (to anyone who believes that there can be sexual coercion in marriage) yet he did not pick up on it.

You’ll hear what her marriage was like leading up to writing that letter; how desperate she was when she wrote it; and what she thought afterwards.

You’ll hear how she eventually realized she was being abused and left her marriage.

And you’ll hear her say what she believes Emerson Eggerichs needs to hear. I have her a chance to speak directly to him.

One thing I found so interesting (and devastating) about her story was that in the middle of the worst abuse she was suffering, she and her husband read Love & Respect. He loved it so much that he volunteered to lead two studies on it at church.

So here’s a man who is abusing his wife, and he finds Love & Respect an AMAZING book, and then he teaches on it at church. This is the fruit of this book. And again-this is the #1 marriage study done in North American churches today. Listen to this woman’s story. Tell your pastor about this woman’s story. Please, let’s stop this insanity.

New Research: Domestic Violence in Brazil is linked to evangelicalism

A sobering new article in Christianity Today, translated from the original when it was published in Brazil, shows how what pastors are teaching is exacerbating the domestic violence crisis, especially among the poor. Violent crime is dropping in Brazil, EXCEPT crimes against women, which are rising.

Vilhena’s research reveals that churches and their leaders have inadvertently helped to perpetuate this tragic scenario. As they turn to their local pastor for advice and support, hoping to escape physical and psychological abuse, many women invariably receive the same sermon: “Sister, you must pray more, fast, cry out to God for the conversion of your husband.” They quote 1 Peter 3:1–2: “Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.”

Marila De C. Cesar

Domestic Violence Harms Thousands of Brazilian Women. Is the Church Making It Worse?, Christianity Today

Reader Question: My Father Has Been Abusing My Mother for Decades

I’m sorry; I deleted the actual reader question after we recorded the podcast so I can’t write it out here. But Keith and i took a stab at this one. I just want people to remember three things:

You can’t make someone leave who doesn’t want to leaveYou CAN assure them they have options and that they can stay with youYou DO NOT have to keep anyone’s secrets If you recognize yourself in these stories, please contact a Domestic Violence HotlineCanada: 800.799.SAFE (7233)United States: 1-800-621-HOPE (4673).United Kingdom: 08 08 16 89 111Australia: 1800 015 188New Zealand: 0800 456 450Kenya: 0-800-720-072Nigeria: 0800 033 3333South Africa: 0800 428 428

Things Mentioned in This Podcast:The Intimately Us App! Download the free version right now–and there are special sexy challenges for Valentine’s Day!Our Patreon: Support Joanna and Rebecca with getting our research published in journalsThe original podcast where we talked about Emerson Eggerichs’ reaction to the woman crying in the shower, and the post where Connor went through the problems with his attitude towards this womanChristianity Today’s article on Domestic Violence in BrazilPre-Order The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex and the all new Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex!  Our launch team will be up and running next week, but you can send us your receipt now and you’ll get our Evangelical Sex Report Card and an invitation to our launch team!

What did you think of her story? What would you want to say to the teachers who don’t understand the harm they’re doing? Let’s talk in the comments!

Other Posts in our Love and Respect Series:THE MUST READ: An Open Letter to Focus on the Family about Love & Respect and Emerson EggerichsA Review of Love and Respect: How the Book Gets Sex Horribly WrongLove and Respect: Why Unconditional Respect Can’t WorkThe Ultimate Flaw in the Book Love and Respect: Jesus Isn’t at the CenterDissecting a Sermon Series where Emerson Eggerichs Gaslights Abuse VictimsDissecting a Podcast where Emerson Eggerichs Ignores Marital Rape and Says You Can't Tell if a Woman is ArousedIs It Okay if Christian Marriage Books are Just a Little Bit Harmful?Love & Respect is Being Used by the BDSM Community to Convince Wives to Submit to DominationPODCAST: Why Unconditional Respect Isn't a Thing (and how the verse the book is based on, and the survey data the book is based on, don't hold water).PODCAST: An Example from Eggerichs' blog of Eggerichs Gaslighting Women (we work through line by line)PODCAST: Dissecting Eggerichs' Love & Respect Sermons at Houston's First Baptist Church, with His Dismissal of AbusePODCAST: How Emerson Eggerichs Ignored an Example of Marital Rape, plus the follow-up podcast where we interview the woman who wrote to himPODCAST: Our Love & Respect Wrap UpI’m Passing the Torch on Love & Respect. 10 Ways You Can Pick it UpPlus our Resource Pages:Summary Page of Issues in Love & RespectResources to let others know of your concerns about Love & RespectDownload our rubric and scorecard of why Love & Respect scored 0/48 on our rubric of healthy sexuality teaching The Biggest Supporter of Love & Respect is Focus on the Family

They publish the book and heavily promote it, and promote video series with Emerson Eggerichs. They also heavily promote his book Mothers & Sons, which primes the next generation of boys to feel they deserve unconditional respect, regardless of how they act. Please consider your giving to Focus on the Family, and contact them about your concerns. Without Focus on the Family's support, the Love & Respect ministry would dwindle considerably.

The Following People Have Endorsed Love & Respect"Millions of lives and marriages – and in many ways, our whole culture – are completely different today because of the work of Emerson Eggerichs and Love and Respect ministries." Shaunti Feldhahn, best-selling author of For Women Only"Occasionally I run into somebody whose material, what they’re teaching, and the quality of the person rocks my world." Dave Ramsey"probably the most helpful [marriage book and seminar] we have ever experienced." Michael Hyatt"With his Love and Respect concept, Emerson Eggerichs has discovered what can only be described as the Holy Grail of marital counseling." Eric Metaxas"Dr. Emerson Eggerichs …is … balancing this scale [towards respect]" Dr. James Dobson"People around the world, in every kind of business need to hear this simple yet life changing message." Anne Beiler"I couldn't recommend Dr. Eggerichs highly enough. I call him the Billy Graham of marriage." Kendrick Vinar, lead pastor Grace Church of Chapel Hill

If any of these people would like to rescind or qualify their endorsements, please reach out, even confidentially. If any would like a confidential conversation about the problems with Love & Respect, please reach out. 

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila is determined to help Christians find BIBLICAL, HEALTHY, EVIDENCE-BASED help for their marriage. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts What’s Wrong with Wanting to Submit to My Husband?

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The post The Podcast With the Woman Who Was Crying in the Shower Before Sex appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

71: How Much Foreplay is Enough?

How do you know when you’ve done enough foreplay?

We’re starting a new series on the blog right now, leading up to the release of the Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex and the TOTALLY REVAMPED AND REWRITTEN Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex on March 15!

You can Pre-Order The Guy’s Guide and the Girl’s Guide now, and we’ll have pre-order bonuses and the launch team all set to go next week! (You just have to email us your receipt. It’s easy peasy!).

I was thinking of a way to introduce the books leading up to launch, and I decided to go with a number of the day–

a piece of interesting data that our surveys of women, and now our survey of men, found.

I wanted to start this series with a number that would encapsulate the need for both books, and explain what the books are for. And I came up with this number:

%

What does it mean?

Well, when women frequently reach orgasm, 94% of men and 88% of women say that men do enough foreplay. So that makes sense, because women are actually reaching orgasm, and so it’s clear that one of the big goals has been met (though some women would prefer that husbands do more!).

But here’s where things get interesting.

Even when women don’t frequently reach orgasm, 71% of men say they do enough foreplay.

And what do women think? Well, let’s just say for now that it’s far too high a number too, but you’ll have to get the pre-order bonus (Our Evangelical Sex Report Card) to read the rest of the story, or pick up the books!

I thought the number 71, then, told an interesting story that explains why both books are needed.

Two years ago Zondervan offered us a contract to write The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex together.

It was a bit of a stretch for Keith, because he’s never written before, but it turned out so well (I actually think I like the Good Guy’s Guide better than the Good Girl’s Guide!).

For years I’ve been asked if I had a companion book to the original Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex that the men could read, and I always had to say no. So it was a big passion project to have two books that went together.

The problem was that I wrote the original Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex in 2012, before we did our huge survey of 20,000 women. And I wrote it for a very different audience–younger women coming out of the purity culture where the main problem was shame of sex. Today’s young couples have slightly different problems. It’s not that they’re ashamed of their bodies or sex in the same way; it’s that they often have a skewed picture of what sex may look like. When Zondervan asked us to write the guide for men, I begged to also be permitted to totally rewrite The Good Girl’s Guide to be in line with what I teach now. Even though the original version would score really highly on our rubric–46/48–I still didn’t like how gendered it was, and I felt it needed more emphasis on the sexual response cycle and orgasm.

It took a bit of pushing, because the original version still sells really well, but they agreed to let me write a new one (even though I didn’t get paid for it!). I just wanted something I could recommend wholeheartedly.

So now let’s talk about that 71%, and how it fits in.

Why is it that we think “enough” foreplay has been done if she’s not reaching orgasm? Here’s what I said in the new Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex:

We asked both men and women, “Do you think you do enough foreplay?” When women frequently orgasm, men overwhelmingly say they do—and women tend to agree (though not in quite as high numbers; seems like many women would like more foreplay regardless!). But when women don’t frequently orgasm? Men still say they do enough foreplay—and so do the majority of women. That makes me wonder, “Enough for what?” Let’s say I decided I needed to get a part-time job so I would have enough money to buy a small car. How would I judge when I had earned “enough”? Likely when I had enough money in my savings account to match the sticker price on the car, right? So why do women in such large numbers think their husbands have done enough even when they don’t reach orgasm?

One woman explained it like this:

I’m worried that I have subconsciously taught myself not to experience any pleasure during intercourse because I usually don’t get even mildly aroused until my husband is almost done. I’ve thought about this a fair bit, and I think it’s because I know that stopping at a bit of arousal every time, and not getting to orgasm, leaves me feeling so unsatisfied. I suppose I’ve convinced myself that it’s more satisfying to watch him have fun than it is to start having fun myself, but then not finish. Yes, we have tried to focus on me after he’s climaxed, but then I always feel bad because he’s obviously spent, and then my “feeling bad” stops it from happening anyways . . . so subconsciously I go back to square one: “Why bother allowing myself to get turned on in the first place?”

We feel like it’s selfish to want more. We figure we don’t work right. But, my sisters, sex will never feel good until you decide that you’re worth it. It is okay to want your husband to pay attention to your pleasure.

Sheila Wray Gregoire

The All New Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex

How did we get to a situation where both men and women think “enough” foreplay has been done even if she doesn’t orgasm?

Quite frankly, we tend to assume that her experience is secondary to his. And we think he is simply more sexual and better at it, and she is somehow broken.

For those of you who follow me on Facebook, you may have seen two videos I posted yesterday from Pastor Ed Young of Fellowship Church. Last Sunday he and his wife Lisa preached on sex, and before the sermon he recorded a rather disturbing one minute video comparing a man’s sex drive to a bedridden woman who asked her husband to give her water, and he refused. That analogy is problematic on so many levels (I listed 7 in my post), and thankfully the clip of his actual sermon wasn’t quite that bad.

But in that second clip, they did say that if you don’t enjoy sex, you should see a counselor. This is similar to what Shaunti Feldhahn said in For Women Only–if you find yourself unable to physically respond to sex, see a counselor.

Now, I’m actually all in favour of seeing licensed counselors, and recommend them frequently. But is this really our first course of action? Think what the underlying assumption is with what they’re saying:

She should be enjoying sex. If she’s not, there must be something wrong with her. She had better go get it checked out and work on it.

So the fact that she’s not enjoying sex means that there is a problem with her. 

But what we found in our surveys of both men and women is that the #1 predictor of lack of orgasm in women is lack of foreplay.

This does not mean that there aren’t other issues; we identified so many of them, including wrong beliefs about sex; past trauma; relationship issues; even too much mental load! And what so many women have told us is that reading The Great Sex Rescue finally helped them have an orgasm breakthrough because they got rid of toxic messages.

But nevertheless, we should always address the most likely cause first.

And the most likely cause for women’s lack of orgasm is lack of foreplay.

Yet when we hear that a woman isn’t orgasming, what do we do? We assume there’s something wrong with her. Authors and megachurch pastors tell her to see a counselor to sort herself out. 71% of husbands think the problem is with their wives. And so do–well, you’ll have to pre-order the book to find the actual number–but so do a lot of women. 

Where are the calls to men to help their wives experience pleasure? Where are the calls to couples saying that if sex doesn’t feel good for one of you, you should figure this out? Where are the assurances to men that they actually CAN figure this out and can rock their wives’ world?

So what would happen if we changed the narrative about foreplay and sex?

What if, when sex worked easily for him and didn’t work easily for her, we didn’t assume that she was broken and needed to work on herself, but we instead assumed that God made women to be more complex, in general, than men, and this was a good thing?

What if we understood that sex was not made primarily for men, and that men did not need it more than women (even if more men have a higher felt need for sex than women), but instead understood that sex is about connection, which means both of you have to matter?

What if we saw sex not as something that he needed and she had to provide, but something that they were designed to experience together?

What if, just because he reached orgasm easily, we didn’t consider that we “knew how to have sex” until we also figured out her arousal cycle?

What if we understood that the sexual response cycles can look different for men and women, and that there are actual reasons for that which, if you understand them, can even make your relationship better?

Wouldn’t that be better?

Most books on sex in the Christian market have three main messages:

Sex is an amazing gift from God.Men need sex really, really badly in a way that women will never understand.It’s important to have sex as frequently as possible.

What if we changed the way we talked about sex? What if we instead talked about sex that is PHYSICAL, EMOTIONAL, and SPIRITUAL, all at the same time–and that all elements mattered? What if we saw sex as something which is MUTUAL, INTIMATE, and PLEASURABLE FOR BOTH, and that we’d see red flags if one person didn’t want it or enjoy it, and realize that this meant not that one person should demand sex regardless, but instead that we had a fun journey of discovery ahead of us as we learned to connect in every way with each other?

That’s what The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex and the all new Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex do.

We’re going to change the conversation for new couples getting married–or for couples who have never understood what sex was supposed to be or how it was supposed to work. Unlike The Great Sex Rescue which tore down the bad messages and tried to reframe those messages into something healthy, these guides start from the ground up, building a healthy message about sex.

We think it’s time. And then maybe, if both men were asked, “does he do enough foreplay even if she doesn’t orgasm?”, we’d see far, far fewer people saying yes!

When you pre-order the books, you get the guaranteed lowest prices! If enough people pre-order, Amazon will lower the price. And then, on the day the book launches, they’ll charge you the lower price! And when people pre-order, it helps us, because bookstores tend to stock books that do well on Amazon. And the more people pre-order, the more Amazon orders!

Pre-Order The Good Guy's Guide Now! Pre-Order The Good Girl's Guide Now!

Why do you think we assume he does enough even if she doesn’t orgasm? Why is our go to that there must be something wrong with her? Let’s talk in the comments!

The Number of the Day SeriesHow Many Men Think They Do Enough Foreplay Even if She Doesn't Orgasm? (coming soon)How Many Elements are in the Sexual Response Cycle? (coming soon)What Percentage of Women Orgasm--but Don't Have Close Marriages? (coming soon)How Many Men Are Upset about their Wives' Lack of Adventure? (and what does that mean?) (coming soon)How Many Men Believe the Obligation Sex Message? (and what effect does this have on other areas of their marriage?) (coming soon)How Many Men Watch Porn? (And what are the effects?) (coming soon)Is Lust REALLY Every Man's Battle? (coming soon)Can the Way We Do the Honeymoon Increase the Rate of Vaginismus? (coming soon)

Plus Pre-Order The Good Guy's Guide to Great Sex and The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex (they launch March 15!)

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila is determined to help Christians find BIBLICAL, HEALTHY, EVIDENCE-BASED help for their marriage. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts PODCAST: It’s Time to Jump Out of the Boiling Water

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