Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 17

Why Is Most Marriage Advice Given to Women? Our Podcast!

Ever noticed that most marriage books center the majority of their advice on women?

And most instructions for how to get marriages to change focus on what women can do differently.

Today on the Bare Marriage podcast, we’re focusing on WHY the advice is often aimed at women, and the underlying problems that reveals. Plus we’re talking to a university professor who has changd her curriculum for next September to focus on The Great Sex Rescue instead of Every Man’s Battle!

This post should have been up last Thursday, but we had a comedy of errors last week. First Katie, who does my editing and uploading, lost power for 24 hours, so we couldn’t get it up in time. I thought I’d just put this post out on Friday. But then the Josh Duggar verdict came down, and I had something important to say about that, and it was getting a ton of attention, and I didn’t want a new blog post to supersede it. So I decided to wait until Monday to put up the podcast! (Though it was up on social media already).

So here, at long last, is the podcast!

Listen to the Podcast Here

Browse all the Different Podcasts

See the Last “Start Your Engines” (Men’s) Podcast

Or, as always, you can watch on YouTube:

 

If you’re watching on YouTube, you’ll see that Rebecca is still really pregnant. We recorded this one before the baby was born last month!

Main Segment: Why do Christians address most marriage advice to women?

We came up with a couple of reasons, including women buying more relationship books for a variety of reasons; women having less power in the relationship and so needing advice on how to change dynamics; and more.

We also talked about how much advice tells women just to pray or let go of all expectations, as if that will magically change things. God doesn’t force someone to change against their will, but we act like, if we pray hard enough, He will. He can change circumstances and soften and harden hearts, but ultimately people retain free will. But the advice about prayer often sounds like the opposite.

And all of this was prompted by an article by Barbara Rainey saying essentially that if you don’t believe your husband is a spiritual leader, you just need to be believe he is and treat him like he is–which is manifestation belief, and not a Christian belief. It’s all very strange.

How Universities are changing how they teach about marriage

I had such an encouraging email conversation with Nicole Parker a while back. She teaches counseling at a Christian university, and has been struggling for twenty years to find books that she likes to assign as textbooks. After reading The Great Sex Rescue, she finally found a book she could wholeheartedly recommend, and she’s tossing Every Man’s Battle and others from her list!

Listen in to our conversation about her vision for what she teaches. I got goosebumps at the end!

The Great Sex RescueChanging the conversation about sex & marriage in the evangelical church. What if you're NOT the problem with your sex life?

What if the things that you've been taught have messed things up--and what if there's a way to escape these messages?

Welcome to the Great Sex Rescue. Order Now! Things Mentioned in This Podcast:Our sponsor Femallay! https://femallay.comBecome a patreon and support us for as little as $5 a month! Our New Merch! Check out all of our merch, and our Be a Biblical Woman collectionOur FREE Video Book Study for The Great Sex Rescue — and The Great Sex RescueNicole Parker’s Tales of Exodus book seriesExtra info from our main segment:Our Mental Load and Emotional Labor seriesHow Christian Resources teach women to be passive aggressive  Barbara Rainey’s article on spiritual leadershipDora on TikTok about raising orphans

What do you think? Why is so much advice aimed at women? Let’s talk in the comments!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila is determined to help Christians find BIBLICAL, HEALTHY, EVIDENCE-BASED help for their marriage. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts Merch is Here! It’s time to Be a Biblical Woman!

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My Take on Josh Duggar’s Guilty Verdict: Amnon and Tamar Replayed

Josh Duggar has just been found guilty of possessing and receiving child sexual abuse materials.

On a personal level, I am glad that the guilty verdict came down.

But I’d like to talk about some wider issues in the evangelical church that this case revealed.

For those who don’t know, Josh Duggar is the oldest child in the famous Duggar family from Arksansas, who had the TV show 19 Kids and Counting. They are a very fundamentalist family, following the Gothard/IBLP doctrines where the male patriarch rules, girls must be submissive, no touching before marriage, and full courtship with parents planning it.

Josh has been in the news before for sexually abusing several sisters and others, and for being on the Ashley Madison website. He has also been accused of sexual assault by Danica Dillon.

Okay, now back to current news.

To begin, I’d like to take us back to the story of Amnon, Tamar, and David found in 2 Samuel 13.

Amnon and Tamar were half-siblings, and Amnon was obsessed with Tamar. So he made a plan on how he could get alone with her. He pretended to be ill, and when his father King David came in to check on him, he asked David to send Tamar to his room with food to minister to him.

David fetched Tamar and sent her to Amnon.

When there, Amnon raped her.

Afterwards the story says that he despised her, and wouldn’t marry her or redeem her. He left her tainted, unable to marry anyone else. She lived the rest of her life in desolation.

And David? He knew all about this, but he did nothing.

Now Tamar had a full sibling named Absalom, and Absalom saw all that had happened. Two years later, Absalom killed Amnon, and was banished from the kingdom. Later, he led a civil war against his father David.

Such destruction–that was all started because David didn’t defend his daughter and demand justice for his daughter and protect his daughter. He let her bear the shame for her brother’s sin. 

Why do I say that it all started with David, rather than with Amnon? Because there will always be abusers. There will always be rapists and be men who will hurt and abuse women. But survivors will tell you that often the greater harm is not the initial assault, but how no one stood up for you, and in fact all too often sided with the abuser.

Silence from those who are supposed to defend us and care for us can be much, much worse.

We have seen the Amnon and Tamar story play out in an individual way with the Duggar family, but in a collective way with the evangelical church.The Duggars as Amnon and Tamar: JimBob turns his back on his daughters in court

At the beginning of the trial, JimBob was asked to testify about Josh’s confession of abusing his sisters. JimBob repeatedly said he couldn’t recall. Instead of telling the truth and defending his daughters and validating their experiences, he prioritized Josh’s interests.

At every step of the way in Josh’s life, his interests have been prioritized over his sisters’, his wife’s, and his children’s. 

So much so that his father wouldn’t even validate his own daughters’ experience. Instead of getting justice for his daughters, he tried to lessen the impact on his son.

The Evangelical Church as Amnon and Tamar: Excusing men’s sins against women

On a broader scale, we see repeatedly the evangelical world choosing to side with abusers over the abused. The number of scandals that come out, almost daily, is too big to recount. Whether it’s the SBC refusing to take abuse seriously or act on recommendations or churches and organizations trying to silence and shame accusers, we’ve consistently put the interests of celebrities like Zacharias, Hybels, Mohler, Patterson, Mahaney, Chandler, and more ahead of the women they hurt or whose abuse they covered up. Just look at the lawsuit against Liberty University! It’s disgusting.

But it stems from one simple belief: All men struggle with lust; it’s every man’s battle. 

Evangelicals believe this. We live and breathe it. We teach it everywhere. The Every Man’s Battle book series sold 4,000,000 copies. Gary Thomas, in his most recent book, repeats the line that men are made to think about sexual thoughts constantly and that they are made to always try to seize a sexual opportunity. They believe that the objectification of women and masculinity are one and the same. Like Gary Thomas said in 2016, quoting Al Mohler, “there isn’t a man alive who isn’t bent in his sexual desires.”

And if God made men that way, then it really can’t be that bad. 

And if God made men that way, then men can’t help it. 

The only way that men can handle their visual nature, their lust nature, their propensity toward sexual sin, is for women to change. 

Men’s sexual sin is a given; so women must act differently to prevent it. We must dress modestly. We must not tempt men. We must not be a stumbling block. And then, as Every Man’s Battle tells women, we must be the methadone for our husband’s sex addictions (Yes, the original Every Man’s Battle book actually called women methadone. Seriously). We must have sex so often that they won’t watch porn or have affairs.

Instead of telling men what Jesus told them–that they should gouge out their eye if it causes them to sin–and instead of telling men what Paul repeatedly told them, that they are responsible for their own lusts, the evangelical church has laid the burden for men’s lust on women. We must not be stumbling blocks, and then we must have has much sex as possible to stop men from sinning. If he sins, then, that’s a sign that a woman wasn’t doing her job properly. (we cover this at length in The Great Sex Rescue!).

And that’s why, instead of getting justice for Tamar, the evangelical world is covering up for Amnon. We believe Amnon was just a boy, being a boy. 

And because he’s a boy–he matters more. Because in evangelicalism, men were made to lead, and women were made to serve. 

This belief that lust and masculinity are intertwined is a uniquely evangelical problem.

Yes, the secular world also treats women like objects, but in the evangelical world, we turn it up a notch.

In our survey of 3,000 Christian men, we found that evangelical men were 81% more likely to believe “lust is every man’s battle” in high school than other Christians who don’t identify as evangelicals, and 46% more likely to believe it now than other Christian men.

Our survey of 20,000  women found something even more stark. Evangelical women are 85% more likely to believe “lust is every man’s battle” than non-evangelical Christians. And the more women attended church (both in high school and currently) the more likely they were to agree with the every man’s battle message.

Evangelicalism has made male objectification of women a core piece of our doctrine. We have so equated masculinity with objectifying women that we don’t know how to separate the two.

But Jesus did separate the two. Jesus never claimed that lust was impossible to get over; quite the opposite. Lust was something to put to death.

The Great Sex RescueChanging the conversation about sex & marriage in the evangelical church. What if you're NOT the problem with your sex life?

What if the things that you've been taught have messed things up--and what if there's a way to escape these messages?

Welcome to the Great Sex Rescue. Order Now! How do we move forward so the evangelical world gets justice for Tamar?1. Stop saying lust is every man’s battle.

Treat lust like a sin, not a feature of masculinity.

2. Stop asking women to change so that men don’t sin.

The solution to male lust or male abuse of women is for men to stop lusting and for men to stop abusing women. The way to stop rape is for men to stop raping; it is not for women to change.

3. Treat abuse seriously.

Have protection policies in place at church–and follow them. If there is an accusation made, treat it seriously. Make third party investigations the norm.

4. Stop calling things that are abuse or rape “affairs”.

When a youth pastor has sex with someone in their youth group, it isn’t a “relationship” or an “affair.” It is abuse. When a pastor manipulates someone in their congregation for intercourse (or another sexual act), it isn’t “an affair”. It isn’t “having sex”. It is sexual assault.

5. Stop keeping women out of leadership positions.

When only men can lead, it sets up a dynamic of male entitlement and power, which reinforces the idea that women exist to serve men. This is the root of much sexual abuse to begin with. See women as more than just servants. They are whole people, with a variety of gifts, made in the image of God. Instead of creating a church culture where men matter more than women, remember Jesus’ words in Matthew 20:25-28.

6. Acknowledge that some marriages should be dissolved.

God is not honored by an abusive, destructive marriage staying together in name only, where people are systematically losing their sense of self. God is honored when we all look more like Jesus. Demanding that abused spouses stay in an abusive marriage, or demanding that women stay in a marriage with a sexually addicted husband, enables the destructive activity to continue because the abuser bears no consequences. In fact, they get the best of everything. They get to abuse, but they also get a spouse who can’t leave. In these cases, divorce doesn’t break the marriage bond; abuse already broke the marriage bond. Help victims find freedom. Don’t keep them in prison.

That’s my quick take on Josh Duggar.

I think his story tells a larger one that the evangelical world needs to take seriously–and I hope that this will be a catalyst for change for good.

Do you have a quick take on the verdict? What are your thoughts? Let’s talk in the comments!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila is determined to help Christians find BIBLICAL, HEALTHY, EVIDENCE-BASED help for their marriage. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts 6 Reasons Your Mind and Body May Not Connect During Sex

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The post My Take on Josh Duggar’s Guilty Verdict: Amnon and Tamar Replayed appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Lust Revisited, Just Done with It, and More! Our Weekly Round Up

We had some WILD conversations about lust on Facebook this week! But first–the podcast is delayed by a day.

I know today is podcast day, and it’s all recorded, but Katie, who does my editing and uploading, was without internet all day yesterday due to an internet outage where she lives. So I’m just going to switch Thursday and Friday of this week, and we’ll do the social media round-up today, and the podcast tomorrow.

Sorry about the delay!

Let’s talk lust and modesty!

I started a conversation earlier this week on Facebook about lust and modesty, and it kept snowballing as I would post new things related to some of the comments that were coming in. I haven’t seen this much engagement in ages. I think this really resonates!

Post #1: What if legalism about what clothes to wear wasn’t the problem?

Here’s how it started:

I’m grateful that the larger evangelical community seems to realize that the modesty message often given to teens was fraught with danger.

Big ministries and authors are saying, “we can’t be legalistic anymore.”

But are they missing the point?

I’m doing research for our mother-daughter book right now and combing through many big name writers and influencers, and most seem to be critiquing clothing rules—shirts 2 inches from the collarbone, etc. They know that was harmful.

They say, “legalism was wrong!”

Their response? Instead of rules, we’ll say, “Put on the gospel every morning.”

What does that even mean? That opens the door wide to even more judgmentalism. “You can wear that if you want, Brenda, but does it say ‘gospel’ to you?”

The real issue was not the rules.

It was that girls were being blamed for boys’ lust, told their bodies were dangerous, and told that their dress determines whether they will be abused.

THAT is the issue. And dressing it up in new language doesn’t change it.

Facebook Post

Check out the comments!

Post 2: An amazing comment left by a guy on why we shouldn’t talk as if lust is “every man’s battle”

In the original post, a guy was saying that women should have compassion on men who struggle with lust and should change what they wear. So many people chimed in to show how this logic was faulty, and eventually the guy deleted the thread–which deleted some very thoughtful comments, including this one (which was reposted by the author of it). I thought it deserved its own post:

 

Should women cover up to have mercy on their Christian brothers who find the battle with lust unrelenting?

An awesome comment left by a guy on a post yesterday, responding to a man who was struggling. Seriously, this needs its own post:

“In certain seasons of life especially, cooperating with the Spirit to conquer lust can seem next to impossible. (Even more so if we do not distinguish between noticing and lusting.) You are right, we are all called to be our “brother’s keeper”, and to try to understand how we can best help each other with our struggles.

However, all relationships work best when we esteem others better than ourselves and have compassion on those who seem to be making things difficult for us. Many (Most?) women that Christian men would ask to dress differently in order to help them not to lust after them are in no way intentionally trying to tempt men. And, when a woman is intentionally trying to tempt a man to lust after her, as compassionate men, we can ask ourselves why that may be the case.

Compassion would have us see the many, common, heart-breaking reasons she is looking for attention in this way. Shaming women who are in this predicament will just continue the cycle that has put them there in the first place. Compassion is a useful tool in our battle to slay lust. Blaming and criticizing women and pleading with them to shoulder more of the burden for OUR lust problem furthers the narrative that we are doomed to be slaves to our sexuality, unless women do their part to protect us from ourselves. After all, Jesus didn’t say that we should pluck an eye out if a woman causes us to lust. He said we should pluck an eye out if OUR EYE causes us to lust.

Michael, you have more power available to you than you realize. What are we saying about ourselves and about God’s ability when we plead with women to consider more seriously our lust problem, and when we insinuate they should consult with us more to avoid dressing in the specific way that “triggers” us to sin? It’s a pathetically false narrative about God and about us that so many of us have believed. When we esteem Our sisters and our mothers better than ourselves, we will hear them crying out in forums like these saying “we don’t feel protected by you, men! We feel like you have given yourselves over to your own lusts, and are demanding that we somehow keep your sin at bey for you! We love you, and want to help you, but the role you are putting onto us is not in your best interest or ours! Modesty cannot save you from your sin, but God can!”

Listen, God is big enough to cause us to be able to love women well in the midst of a pornified culture, no matter what anyone chooses to wear or not wear. Let’s believe that God has called us men to be the ones who will allow Him such access to our minds and lives that we will be willing to guard women from our lust even if we perceive that they refuse to see how difficult it might be for us. Let’s stop demanding grace from women, and instead give it to them without any expectation of getting something in return. Once we stop focusing on the grace we think women should give us because of our lust problem, we’ll start to live in the grace God has already provided. It’s God’s grace that is the context for victory over lust, and every other sin. It’s time we take hold of it.”

Facebook Post

Check out the comments!

So many women said they found what he said so healing–especially knowing a man wrote it.

Post 3: Women are sick of feeling unsafe

As beautiful as that man’s comment was, EVEN ON THAT THREAD another man commented about how women were still to blame. And by that time I had just had it. So I wrote this–which went the biggest of all.

Okay, forgive me because I’m going to get snarky.

I published a beautiful comment this afternoon by a man who perfectly summed up God’s grace to both men and women when it comes to the modesty/lust debate.

BUT EVEN THERE, in the comments, another man doubled down on how women need to be careful not to cause these poor men to stumble.

This may be a bit over the top, but I’m really, really tired of this, and I’d just like men to understand how this sounds to women. So hear me out for a minute:

If a man is lusting after me, I’m not sinning against HIM by existing as a female in his general vicinity. He’s sinning against ME. And quite frankly, I don’t feel safe hanging around guys like this. The more men say: “But how can we guard our thoughts around women?”, the more I hear: “I am not a safe individual to be around, and you should likely stay away, warn your friends and daughters to stay away from me, and never, ever be in my small group at church, sit near me at church, or have any interaction with me at all.”

That’s what women hear. And you know what? We’re getting angry. We’re sick of it. And I think you’re going to see women fleeing churches that are putting this burden on them when it should be on the men to deal with it and treat women with respect.
If you’re struggling with lust, I do have compassion, especially because I think we’ve conflated noticing with lusting so much that we’ve caused hyper-vigilance and shame which makes matters worse. But, please, own your own struggle and don’t blame women for it. Because the more you do, the more you simply sound unsafe. And quite frankly, women are ever so sick of feeling unsafe.

Facebook Post

Again, check out the comments on that one!

I think I’m done on this subject; I won’t post anymore on Facebook. But Rebecca and I have been thinking about this subject some more with all the comments that have come up, and we might revisit in next week’s podcast! And I want to really pick up on that last bit–do men understand how women perceive them when they start talking about how men lust all the time?

Instagram: Are Authors Telling on Themselves about Lust?

While all of this was running through my head, I decided to make a reel (a short video on Instagram) that summed up the issue. When a man says, “all guys are visual and will think sexual thoughts about women all the time if given the chance,” a woman hears, “I am not safe to be around.” 

I don’t think guys understand this. So I tried to explain it, with an example:

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Sheila Gregoire (@sheilagregoire)

Or check it out on Instagram! (Lots of comments too!)

See it on Instagram! On the Josh Duggar trial for possession of child sexual abuse materials

I just had to share this:

I’ve had the biblical story of Tamar and her father David on my mind this week as I’ve been reading a bit about the Josh Duggar trial for possession of child sexual abuse materials. Earlier this week his father Jim Bob was called to the stand, and Jim Bob repeatedly said that he couldn’t recall anything about Josh’s abuse of his sisters. Jim Bob chose Josh and invalidated his daughters’ experience. In the biblical account, David similarly refused to do anything to curb Absalom, and ignored Tamar. In the end, it cost David dearly, and all the people of Israel, as civil war broke out. When we fail to do justice for our daughters, things do not go well with us. Shame on Jim Bob for choosing the abuser over the ones that were hurt.

Facebook Post

Christianity Today wants my take on the verdict when it comes down today (if it does), no matter which way it goes, and I do think I’ll mention this element. Anything else you think I should say?

The Great Sex RescueChanging the conversation about sex & marriage in the evangelical church. What if you're NOT the problem with your sex life?

What if the things that you've been taught have messed things up--and what if there's a way to escape these messages?

Welcome to the Great Sex Rescue. Order Now! Finally, a webinar and some other miscellaneous things!

Hundreds of people chimed in about cloth pads and menstrual cups when I shared my post about them yesterday.

People love our merch! And I added some new products based on the comments there. If you haven’t seen our merch, check it out!

Check out our Be a Biblical Woman collection!

Or check out our other merch collections:

Check out our Biblical Womanhood collection Check out our Love AND Respect collection Check out our Hazard Stickers!

I also have an “I Stand with Aunt Matilda” line, and I’ll tell you all about that soon!

And, of course, don’t miss the Tide Has Turned webinar at 9 pm EST tonight!

 

FREE Registration Here!

I hope to see you tonight! And if you have any feedback on what I should say about Josh Duggar, leave it in the comments!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila is determined to help Christians find BIBLICAL, HEALTHY, EVIDENCE-BASED help for their marriage. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts 6 Reasons Your Mind and Body May Not Connect During Sex

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Unique Period Care Products that Can Revolutionize Your Life

I know this is way too much TMI, but reusable menstrual products changed my life. 

Seriously. I’m three years past menopause now, but I’ve become a huge advocate for reusable menstrual products, because for the last 15  years of my period I used them. 

I found regular pads would cause chafing, and I was always uncomfortable. And, quite frankly, I don’t like the landfill issues. But reusable pads are soft, they can be pretty, and they just made me happy seeing them all laid out in a drawer!

And menstrual cups? They make caring for periods so much easier, with less mess, no worry of leaking, and even easier care.

On the Tea and Tent Pegs webinar on Monday night, I gave away two lovely Femallay gift basket as door prizes.

I sometimes forget how “weird” I am given what I talk about everyday, so I was describing rapturously Femallay’s vaginal melts, and describing the benefits of menstrual cups, and how Femallay has one with an easy empty valve you can use while it’s still inserted, and the chat box was so hilarious. We were going between Augustine’s view of women and menstrual cups!

I’m very appreciative to Femallay for their support of this blog and for being our sponsor, and as the Christmas season is upon us, I’d like to ask that, if these are things that may interest you, you support our sponsors (because I honestly think Femallay is amazing). They’re a Christian company that’s focused on products that women actually want and need, and that work with how women actually live our lives.

And I think their pads can make fun stocking stuffers for the right kind of young woman, so let me tell you about them!

Femallay’s pads are made with a soft, antibacterial charcoal bamboo inner layer, which safely hugs your delicate skin, cute microfiber fabric on the outside, and waterproof lining inside for maximum absorbency and leakage protection.

I just kept a small bucket with a lid in the bathroom where I’d put them, and every few days I’d just soak them in cold water for a few minutes and then pop them in the washing machine. It really wasn’t a problem, and they always washed well!

Here’s how Femallay describes it:

Did you know that the average woman uses about 17,000 disposable pads and tampons throughout her lifetime? These non-biodegradable products fill our trashcans and sewer systems with waste and chemicals that harm our beautiful world.

Reusable cloth pads are comfortable, convenient, affordable, and better for you! They’re free of synthetic fibers, pesticides, or chemicals in addition to being incredibly effective at providing superior leakage protection. Combine that with the peace of mind from knowing you’re saving our world from the harmful waste of disposables, and it really doesn’t get any better than that.

Your body and our world thank you for choosing to reuse!

Plus–they’re just so darned cute! Femallay has several different designs, but I always found that having something pretty for my period just made me a little bit happier.

The pads come in several different designs, and three different sizes (S,M,L). You can buy sets of three in the different sizes, or even a set of one of each size. 

I found I needed about 12 pads in total, but every woman is different. And you can buy wet bags to help carry them, too!

Plus you can use the snaps to fold them so they look unobtrusive. And you can fold them up even when they’re soiled to take them home!

Many teenagers are very environmentally conscious and want to do something different with their periods, and a starter pack might be really fun for Christmas!

Or you can treat yourself to something pretty!

See the Pads! Femallay also sells innovative menstrual cups of their own design. 

Rebecca wrote a whole post (again sharing TMI, I think it runs in the family) of how menstrual cups have really helped her. Femallay has wonderful ones, available in different sizes, that can also have valves for easy emptying if you prefer. 

They’re also a super weird but fun stocking stuffer for the young women in your life! Or for someone who just wants to make this time of the month easier and wants to stop leaking all the time or worrying all the time.

And imagine the money you’ll save by not having to buy tampons and pads every month!

Check out our post talking about this in detail, or check out the menstrual cups!

See the Cups! Okay, then there are the vaginal melts, and I have to be careful not to be TMI.

But these will change your life. They make a huge amount of difference.

This is NOT lubricant. Yes, they serve as an amazing lubricant. But vaginal melts are inserted beforehand and help with lubrication during sex for sure–but that’s not all they do. They’re a luxurious way to actually nourish the vaginal tissue, helping with elasticity and moisture retention, which can be difficult around menopause and after menopause; after childbirth and tearing; during hormonal changes; and more. 

Plus they come in fun flavours! And you can order samples to figure out which ones  you like.

I’ve written a whole post about the amazing vaginal melts and their uses, or you can check out the melts now!

See the Melts! I love Femallay, and I hope they can help you with some Christmas gifts–even if it’s just treating yourself!

They have balancing teas; vaginal suppositories; cloth pads; sea sponge tampons; menstrual cups and more to help you with managing your natural hormones and cycles. And I’m grateful to them for sponsoring this blog and letting me do what I do.

So thanks for supporting my sponsors and my new merch that I showed you yesterday! I love being able to do what I do and hire the people I hire, and I can when you all support me. 

Have you ever tried cloth pads or menstrual cups? What did you think? And if you’ve tried the melts, let me know in the comments what you thought!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila is determined to help Christians find BIBLICAL, HEALTHY, EVIDENCE-BASED help for their marriage. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts PODCAST: Can My Vagina Have a Brain? Let’s Talk Mind-Body Connection!

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Merch is Here! It’s time to Be a Biblical Woman!

People have been asking me to get merch for the longest time, and I’ve just never had the bandwidth to sit down and figure it out.

But inspired by the webinars we’re doing this week (Tea and Tent Pegs was AMAZING last night with Kristin Kobes Du Mez and Beth Allison Barr, with the brilliant Devi Avraham hosting; and The Tide Has Turned will be awesome on Thursday night), I decided it was time.

With Christmas coming in just a few weeks, I thought it was a great time to launch the merch! You can still get it by Christmas, and it makes wonderful stocking stuffers.

When you buy from our store, it helps support the blog.

Honestly, with no speaking this year because of COVID, pretty much all of my income comes from sales from the store, and from royalties from our books. And with that I pay my team. We do have a Patreon where you can help support our research and our social media efforts, but that money goes to pay for Joanna and Rebecca’s time, not me (because I don’t make enough to pay them!).

I really want to run this as a business and not a donation site, because I want you to give your donor money to things like stopping sex trafficking. So with that being said, here are some merchandise designs we have that I think you’ll love!

Pretty much everything is available as a T-shirt, a mug, or a tote bag–your choice.

Be a Biblical Woman collection

When you hear “biblical woman”, you likely get a very specific picture: meek, gentle, mild, prays a lot, cares for her husband and kids.

Those are all good things. Great things, even! But they are not the whole picture. And when we try to make that the whole picture of biblical womanhood, we artificially restrict what women are called to do.

Joanna and Rebecca and I sat down one day and tried to brainstorm all of the things that biblical women did in the Bible, and we came up with this:

Personally, my favourite is “Say no like Vashti.” I think Vashti is a very underrated biblical character.

Buy it as a mug, a T-shirt, or a bag! And you can change colors, too! The mugs start at just $10, so they’re a great gift.

“Be A Biblical Woman” Unisex Jersey Short Sleeve Tee $20.00 – $22.00 “Be A Biblical Woman” Canvas Tote Bag $15.00 – $19.00 “Be a Biblical Woman” Accent Coffee Mug, 11oz $10.00 “Be A Biblical Woman” Spiral Notebook – Ruled Line $10.00 “Be A Biblical Woman” Canvas Gallery Wraps $14.00 – $35.00 See the Be a Biblical Woman Collection What is biblical womanhood?

Along those same lines, we created another design to emphasize biblical womanhood with fewer words:

Choose how you’d like to have it!

“Biblical Womanhood” Accent Coffee Mug, 11oz $10.00 “Biblical Womanhood” Canvas Tote Bag $15.00 – $19.00 “Biblical Womanhood” Unisex Jersey Short Sleeve Tee $20.00 – $22.00 “Biblical Womanhood” Spiral Notebook – Ruled Line $10.00 See the Biblical Womanhood Collection Love AND Respect

Because we both need both.

Need I say more?

We’ve already uploaded two different kinds of coffee mugs for this one!

“Love AND Respect” Latte Mug, 12oz $10.00 “Love AND Respect” Accent Coffee Mug, 11oz $10.00 “Love AND Respect” Canvas Tote Bag $15.00 – $19.00 “Love And Respect” Unisex Jersey Short Sleeve Tee $20.00 – $22.00 See the Love AND Respect Collection What do you do with books you don’t agree with anymore?

I have some more designs I’ll be sharing with you in the next little while (some are in the store already, but they need their own post to explain the story behind them).

But one thing that many people have asked me for is stickers.

They have marriage/parenting books or other books that they don’t agree with, but they don’t want to throw them out because they may use them for research. Or there are counselors and pastors who don’t agree with them, but want to keep them so they can show people where the books are wrong. But if they leave them on their bookshelf, then people may think these are good resources!

I have a solution. Stickers! These warn others that you think the book is hazardous, but let you keep it for research.

(And if you don’t want to keep dangerous books, please don’t donate them! They may end up in the Third World where they can do even more damage. Just throw out or recycle after you tear off the covers).

They’re 4×4, which is nice and big so you can’t miss it. Just line up the line against the right side of the spine of the book and wrap the rest around. That way the poison sign is visible from the spine, but the rest is on the front of the book!

You can also get this one in a variety of colors too.

See our Stickers! I hope you may enjoy some of those for Christmas gifts. 

And if you’d like the designs on something else–sweatshirts, etc., or travel mugs–let me know and we’ll try to add it to the store. 

Plus we’re always looking for new ideas! We have two ideas for limited edition merchandise, and we’ll reveal that around the one year anniversary of The Great Sex Rescue. But I’d love to know more of what you think, too!

Thanks so much for supporting us here. We really appreciate it!

Oh, and don’t forget to sign up for our Tide Has Turned webinar!

Last night’s webinar Tea and Tent Pegs was wonderful, and I’ll be sending out the link to everyone who registered so you can view the recording later today.

Didn’t register? Just sign up for my email list, and you’ll get a link to the recording in Friday’s email!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila is determined to help Christians find BIBLICAL, HEALTHY, EVIDENCE-BASED help for their marriage. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts Arousal Non-Concordance: You Really Need to Know What it Is

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6 Reasons Your Mind and Body May Not Connect During Sex

Sex would be so much easier if our bodies would just do what we want them to do, wouldn’t it?

Or if our minds would just get “in the game” when it was time?

Welcome to our Embodiment Series, where we’re talking about the mind-body connection. We’re going to start in the first bit of the month looking at how to get our minds and bodies lined up, and in the second half we’ll look at the importance of our physical bodies, leading up to Christmas and the incarnation (when Jesus took on human form).

Last week I talked about arousal non-concordance, and how it’s possible for your body to start getting aroused while your brain is not in the mood at all. And it’s possible for your brain to be in the mood–or to want to be in the mood–but your body doesn’t do much of anything.

Today let’s look at some of the common scenarios where there’s a mind/body disconnect when it comes to sex.

I have a routine I like to do about arousal non-concordance during my Girl Talk sex night at churches. I say that sometimes you can be having an awesome time, really enjoying yourself, and suddenly think, “is there milk in the fridge?” And before you know it you’re making a grocery list in your head, and you’re GONE. Or one night he can do something to you that has you in raptures, while three nights later he does exactly the same thing, move for move, and you’re lying there thinking, “will you just get it over with because I want to get to sleep!” It’s not about what he’s doing; it’s about what you’re thinking.

Now, that’s a big simplification, but you get the idea. When our minds and bodies aren’t in alignment with each other when it comes to sex, orgasm is often elusive. Or, if it’s not elusive, intimacy is often interrupted.

I’d like to look at some of the scenarios where this happens, and explain why it can happen, so that many of you readers will realize that you are not alone!

One big thing to understand as we begin: Your brain’s job is to protect you.

You’re actually designed to not desire sex mentally with someone who treats you badly, who is lazy, who in general would make a bad father. (That doesn’t mean that we can’t be attracted to “bad boys”; with everything, we’re very complex, and there are often other dynamics at work too). When we feel betrayed, taken for granted, or mentally overloaded with the burdens of the household, sex drive (or the mental component) can seriously suffer. Basically, our bodies don’t want to get pregnant, and they don’t want to become emotionally vulnerable to someone who doesn’t care for us well and isn’t trustworthy.

It’s like we explained in the Passion chapter at the end of The Great Sex Rescue: you can’t have great sex without the ability to trust and become vulnerable. We need everything firing all at the same time in order for sex to work well. But our bodies and minds have one main job: Keep her safe. (or keep him safe!). One of the big causes of arousal non-concordance is simply not being able to become vulnerable because of past trauma, past history, or current dynamics in your marriage. If there are currently things at play, like uneven mental load, feeling like your spouse doesn’t listen to you or care about you, betrayal trauma, or more, sex won’t fix it and sex can’t be fixed either. Those underlying things need to be dealt with first.

So that’s the main cause of arousal non-concordance, where your body may get a little bit lubricated and even feel a little bit good to his touch, but you just don’t want sex and won’t respond more than that. Or perhaps you have no desire at all.

Okay, now let’s move on to six others: And this isn’t an exhaustive list. :

1. You grew up learning to “turn off” your body

This was the chapter we weren’t intending to write for The Great Sex Rescue, but we heard so many people mention this phenomenon that it had to make it in there.

When girls grow up hearing “boys will push your sexual boundaries, so you need to be the gatekeeper”, then what happens? Whenever they’re in a makeout situation with a boyfriend/fiance, they’re paying desperate attention not to what their bodies are feeling, but to making sure they don’t go too far. They’re paying attention to what HE is feeling, not what SHE is feeling. One woman called it “spectator-ing”. Another said she felt like she was judging what was happening, rather than experiencing it.

Then, when you get married, you can’t turn that off. You’ve spent your whole life trying to separate your body from your mind, and it’s hard to integrate with your body again. Also, since you spent your life “analyzing” what was happening–is he breathing too hard; am I kissing right; am I still in control–then mindfulness has been broken. You can’t be mindful and just experience if you’re also constantly analyzing everyone’s performance (which is a natural thing to do when you’re told that you’re the gatekeeper).

2. You see sex as a distasteful or threatening thing

Here’s really the crux of The Great Sex Rescue: when you grow up hearing that men can’t control themselves around women and that lust is every man’s battle; that you have to have sex frequently or he’ll watch porn or have an affair; that you’re obligated to give him sex when he wants it; that sex is how a man experiences most emotions–well, sex seems threatening and empty and ugly. How can you let your guard down and experiencing something great?

And when we measured how many evangelical teachings affected women’s sexuality, we found that quite often it was not the husband who had convinced her of these things. It was often her church culture, and he may not even know what she was believing!

When we see sex as something we’re obligated to do, then sex becomes about “shoulds”: I should do this for him, I should be enjoying this. But as soon as we access this analytical side of our brain, we stop practising mindfulness. Instead of inhabiting our bodies and just experiencing, we’re in our brains again. And that often disrupts any desire or arousal. We need to get rid of the “shoulds”!

The Great Sex RescueChanging the conversation about sex & marriage in the evangelical church. What if you're NOT the problem with your sex life?

What if the things that you've been taught have messed things up--and what if there's a way to escape these messages?

Welcome to the Great Sex Rescue. Order Now! 3. Your husband never figured out how to physically arouse you, so the only way to get aroused is to fantasize

Here’s another problem (and often these build on each other, so a person experiencing #1 naturally moves towards #2): neither of you truly understand how arousal is supposed to work for women. You can’t understand why intercourse isn’t exciting for you, and he starts to wonder if you’re broken. Everyone is just really depressed about the whole sex situation. The husband feels great, but why doesn’t she? What’s wrong with her?

And she finds that if she stops thinking about what he’s doing, and starts fantasizing about a movie, or a scenario she read about once in erotica, or something else, she can get her body to kick in. So she’s getting aroused at the same time as they’re having intercourse, but it has nothing actually to do with what he’s doing. It’s mostly in her mind.

4. You have porn use/erotica use in your past, and your arousal is tied to that

If porn or erotica use has been in her past, this may be especially accelerated. She learned (and he learned, because this is a big issue for guys as well) that the images or scenarios can be highly arousing. Focusing on those images or scenarios naturally led to arousal and orgasm.

And so the sexual response cycle has largely been fueled by what your mind is thinking or experiencing, rather than what your body is experiencing. In effect, you need the porn or erotica to jumpstart the arousal process, because arousal has become almost entirely about what you’re fantasizing about rather than what your body is feeling. In order to feel aroused, then, you escape in your head, or “dissociate”, from your body to conjure up images or scenarios from fantasy. Your body responds, and the desire for sexual stimulation is there, but it’s not being met by what’s happening to your body, but rather fueled by your mind.

5. You have abuse or trauma in your past that you dealt with through dissociating

This “dissociation”, though, is even more commonly a protective mechanism. Many sexual assault survivors deal with their assault and their trauma by thinking about anything else while the abuse is occurring. They get used to “leaving” their body and escaping into their mind. In a way, then, their bodies feel dead. They may not know how to experience pleasure or how to enjoy touch because as soon as it happens, they break that mind-body connection.

Again, this was a protective mechanism, and it’s not your fault. But you likely have to deal with the trauma first before you can learn to re-integrate. Please see a licensed counselor trained in evidence-based trauma therapies to help your brain stop this trauma response.

6. You’re not practising mindfulness during sex

Finally, it may not be anything nefarious or bad or anything bad in your past. You could simply have a really active brain and you figure, “when stuff starts to feel good I’ll concentrate on sex,” but until then you tend to think about anything else while he’s kissing you. You’re thinking through your schedule for tomorrow; you’re planning that grocery list; you’re wondering about that conversation you had with your sister earlier today. It’s not really a deliberate thing–it’s just normal stream of consciousness thinking.

But when you’re allowing your brain to leapfrog over all of these different things, then arousal is unlikely to register or to grow. As we talked about at the end of last week’s podcast, sex feels best when both of you allow your brains to be mindful of what is happening and experience what is happening, without any analysis. That means turning that one part of your brain off and just concentrating on breathing and experiencing (more on that later this month!).

The big picture: Understand that experiencing desire for your husband and for sex is a complex thing.

Past trauma can influence it. Our teachings about sex can influence it. The dynamics when we were dating or when we first start sex can influence it. No wonder so many of us have difficulty!

But there’s also good news, and it’s this: If desire starts in the brain, then we actually do have some control over it. We can learn how to practice mindfulness. We can learn to re-integrate with our bodies. It doesn’t need to stay this way!

So today: Thank your body and mind if you need to for being protective to you! Honestly. It could be that a lot of the problems that you’ve been experiencing are really protective in origin. Think about getting help if you need it, to deal with past trauma or to quit porn or erotica use.

And let’s move forward in learning not to dissociate but instead to re-integrate with our bodies. That’s when you’ll experience BOTH intimacy and desire at the same time. That’s when passion comes alive. And I hope I can give you some tools to get there!

Be on the Lookout!

I’ve got two GREAT revamped products coming soon that deal in detail with arousal non-concordance, dissociation, and re-establishing that mind-body connection. Over the holidays we’re refilming all the videos for my Boost Your Libido course! We’ve added some info and I’m so stoked about how it’s turning out! We should launch that in January (and if you’ve already bought the course, you’ll have access to all the upgraded materials as well).

And in my re-written Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, which is available for pre-order now, I’ve gone into even more detail than the original version about dissociation. So excited to share these with you soon!

What do you think? Does one in particular resonate with you? Let me know in the comments!

Our Embodiment SeriesArousal Non-Concordance: What it is and why you need to know about itOur Mind/Body Connection Podcast6 Reasons you may have trouble with mind/body connection during sexHow to Practice Mindfulness during sex (coming soon!)What the Incarnation Means for Us (coming soon!)

And check out:

The Great Sex RescueThe revamped Good Girl's Guide to Great SexStay tuned for the revamped Boost Your Libido course!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila is determined to help Christians find BIBLICAL, HEALTHY, EVIDENCE-BASED help for their marriage. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts Who Believed the Obligation Sex Message More in Your Marriage?

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The post 6 Reasons Your Mind and Body May Not Connect During Sex appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Postpartum Hand Jobs, Webinars, and a Pornified View of Women

This was a week where postpartum hand jobs were debated on Facebook a TON–and it was super interesting.

On Friday I’m starting to do a round-up of the best of my social media platforms this week, for those of you who may have missed it. Often the best content is on social media, not just the blog, so here goes!

Last week we kicked it off on the podcast talking about the advice given to women in far too many evangelical books about giving sexual favors postpartum. At the point where we recorded it, Rebecca was a few weeks postpartum, so she was the one this advice was aimed at, and it made it far more personal.

Well, on Facebook I decided to post some of our concerns in longform, and boy did that go big! I started with a general post about our podcast (which got a ton of comments), but then I elaborated.

(Warning: I’m being explicit in this update)

In porn, women are often shown getting sexually aroused not by RECEIVING sexual stimulation that tends to feel good for them, but by GIVING sexual stimulation or by being used.

Women are shown in raptures simply because HE feels pleasure. His arousal is all she needs to get turned on or climax.

That’s because porn tends to revolve around male fantasy about being in control. It’s not about sex; it’s about using someone.

Okay, now let’s turn to the recently released Christian book Married Sex. Author Gary Thomas depicts women who are postpartum, having heavy periods, or pregnant as being super aroused simply by giving her husband a hand job while receiving nothing in return. He describes her “moans”, her excitement as her husband’s excitement grows, her “wetness” against his thigh. (Hint: if she’s postpartum or having a heavy period, that “wetness” is blood, not lubrication).

He does this in the context of encouraging women to give sexual favors when they can’t give intercourse, to help their husbands with sexual frustration.

My question: Why are we not more alarmed that evangelical books like Married Sex have pornified expectations of women? And they don’t even seem to realize it?

(I know that some women do get aroused giving sexual favours in these situations, which is great. It’s even more wonderful if they’re feeling well enough that the sexual favours can be reciprocated. But here’s the thing: women who find giving sexual favors arousing even while bleeding, recovering, or nauseous don’t need to be convinced by books to give those favors. They’d be doing it naturally. So the audience for this advice IS NOT women who feel sexual desire while postpartum, during heavy periods, or while pregnant. The audience instead is women who need to be convinced to focus on his sexual needs instead of prioritizing their own healing or well-being. And if they have to be convinced to do it, then all the moaning and excitement isn’t real. They’re being pressured to fake it and act like porn.)

Facebook Post

(Read the comments on it!)

From that, people started asking Gary Thomas on his page some specific questions, and he responded, and I thought it made an interesting teaching moment about how advice can SOUND fair and impartial, but it’s still not good advice if the situation really is one where one party needs protection.

Over the last few days, we’ve been talking about how Gary Thomas, in his recent book Married Sex, presented it as normal that a woman who can’t have intercourse because she is postpartum, pregnant, or having heavy periods would give a hand job instead–and get aroused doing so.

When challenged on his Facebook page about this, he has doubled down. One woman presented the opposite scenario, where a husband had surgery. Should he be expected to give ‘sexual favors’ while recovering?

In a now deleted post, Gary responded (pics below) saying that he doesn’t believe in giving “shoulds”, and it’s about the two of you deciding, and if he wants to he can.

On the surface, that looks like a good answer–let’s honor the couple figuring out what works for them! But what is being emphasized is that he may want to give sexual favors despite the pain, rather than emphasizing that self-control and abstinence should be expected.

So let’s answer this better:

If one spouse is ill, in pain, or recuperating, this is not an issue to figure out “between the two of you.” The person in discomfort takes precedence, always. Any sexual activity must be at their initiative, and their initiative alone, without ANY expectation, pressure, or manipulation. The one who is healthy must exercise self-control and make their spouse’s well-being their priority.

Gary says he doesn’t want to give “shoulds.” Well, in this case we SHOULD. We need to. There is too much coercion and manipulation in Christian marriages. We need to set the expectation that women’s well-being and recovery matter; not reinforce a pornified view of married sex that women get aroused giving hand jobs while they are bleeding heavily.

Besides, Gary has no problem giving other suggestions in his book–like women texting nude pictures to encourage their husbands to fixate on their wife’s body rather than porn; or women flashing their breasts to reset power imbalances; or women cooking naked.

He also has no problem with “shoulds” in other areas–he says that sex SHOULD feel like a sacrifice at least sometimes, and women should give sex when they may not want to, in a similar way to how parents should feed a newborn in the middle of the night.

I would simply ask that he clearly say that, during the postpartum period, there should be no expectation, pressure, or manipulation used to make women feel they should give sexual favors. And, please, stop implying women get aroused giving sexual favors when they are uncomfortable or in pain.

Over this last week, so many women have commented that sex was great in their marriage until they had children–because the pressure from their husbands during the postpartum period made them feel used and turned them off sex, and changed how they saw their husbands. In many ways, how husbands act during the postpartum phase is just as important, if not more so, than how they act when first married. This SHOULD be talked about better, for everyone’s sake.

(And I also acknowledge that I haven’t always talk about this well. But I have listened. I have learned. I have grown. My prayer is that other authors with platforms similarly listen, learn, and grow–and teach in a healthy way).

Facebook Post

People really responded to this one, and picked up on a number of things, including the wisdom (or lack thereof) of cooking naked. Comments are great on this one too! Two assume webinars are coming next week!

Our Tea and Tent Pegs webinar with Kristin Kobes Du Mez, Beth Allison Barr, and me is Monday night at 9 EST! And there are only 250 out of 3000 slots left. So grab them while you can!

Grab my seat! Then next Thursday our Tide Has Turned webinar lands!

I’m moderating this one with a panel of six abuse advocates, including Sarah McDugal, Patrick Weaver, Andrew Bauman, Anne Blythe from Betrayal Trauma Recovery, Gretchen Bakerville, and our own Rebecca.

We’ll be talking about where we see Christian publishing going and how to influence things for the better.

Grab my seat! I decided to “fix” Doug Wilson.

I usually try to reserve my “Fixed it for you” memes for people who have big blogs or mainstream marriage ministries or royalty published books and are seen as more in the mainstream.

I don’t try to take on the fringe because then I’d be taking on everyone, and the fringe people are easier to see when they’re offensive.

But Doug Wilson’s influence is getting bigger, and so many people asked me to, that I decided to dive in with just one quote!

See it on Instagram!

Usually the place to be is Instagram, but this week it was Facebook! But I hope you’ll join me in both places and keep up with some interesting conversations.

FollowFollow The Great Sex RescueChanging the conversation about sex & marriage in the evangelical church. What if you're NOT the problem with your sex life?

What if the things that you've been taught have messed things up--and what if there's a way to escape these messages?

Welcome to the Great Sex Rescue. Order Now! Finally, on the number 1000 and 1,000,000

I’ve shared this before, but we’ve recently passed 1000 reviews on Amazon for The Great Sex Rescue! Thank you! And they’re so encouraging!

And Katie tells me we could hit 1,000,000 downloads of the Bare Marriage podcast by the end of the year! So keep subscribing and downloading. We’ll have a big party in January when we get there!

Thanks everyone, and have a great weekend!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila is determined to help Christians find BIBLICAL, HEALTHY, EVIDENCE-BASED help for their marriage. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts You Matter: Is the Pendulum Swinging Too Hard Towards Women?

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PODCAST: Can My Vagina Have a Brain? Let’s Talk Mind-Body Connection!

Let’s jump in with our embodiment series on the blog–and the podcast!

This month we’re going to be talking about embodiment, leading up to Christmas. Our bodies are important. Jesus took on human form to live among us. He resurrected bodily, as will we. He showed in his miracles that our physical selves matter to Him.

And God created us to experience relationship not just with our feelings or our souls but also with our bodies. 

So how do we live our feelings through our bodies? How do we learn to inhabit our bodies more? Join us as Rebecca and I jumpstart this series, and then Keith and I get all scientific about arousal non-concordance and mindfulness!

Listen to the Podcast Here

Browse all the Different Podcasts

See the Last “Start Your Engines” (Men’s) Podcast

Or, as always, you can watch on YouTube:

 

Timeline of the Podcast

1:00 The Concept of Embodiment
6:15 C-Section Backlash?!
10:45 The Value of Other Perspectives
25:10 RQ: My Physical and Mental state aren’t connecting during sex!
37:10 Keith joins to talk science!
47:00 Using mindfulness as a key to orgasm
54:30 Encouragement

Main Segment: Why Our Bodies Matter

Rebecca and I jump in to what embodiment means, and why our bodies matter.

And then we address some concerns that came into the blog from women expressing dismay that we were happy that Rebecca had a C-section rather than a natural birth. We wanted to point out that the C-section saved her and her baby’s life, because things went bad very, very fast, including ruptures. 

And then we’d like to address how often we downplay what other people experience physically because we haven’t experienced it as badly. So someone says they have bad cramps, and we assume we understand–but do we? 

Reader Question: I feel distant from my husband but I get aroused and I don’t want to

Here’s a question that ties perfectly in with what we want to talk about today: 

Mid-forties, Married a decade and a half. I grew up in a Christian home but sex was never discussed. Growing up I was told that sex came after marriage. In college, boys introduced me to sex with plenty of alcohol. As I matured I re committed to abstinence until a relationship really felt committed. In the early years of my relationship with my husband sex was fun and enjoyable but not mind blowing like others describe. We have several children (beyond the toddler years). We were farmers 24/7 until relatively recently. My husband has always said the kids were my responsibility and the farm was his. But I was expected to work as hard as him on the farm plus all the childcare and housework. He never changed a single diaper or got up in the night with a child. Obviously sex was not frequent but it was pretty regular. I considered it part of my marriage committed and he got what he wanted with coercion/guilt. I rarely enjoyed it at all and was going through the motions. Sex is sometimes painful for me and I would close my eyes and bare it. Currently he works 12+ hour days 7 days a week. I work full time and handle kids activities and 2-3 hours of barn chores. Sometime in the last little while I started telling him no more often than yes. I’m trying to figure out why sex is so bad for me. It feels like my head and heart separate from the rest of my body. He enjoys the things my body will do and I can’t control it or stop it. When my body responds to his touch he feels like I enjoy it. I just wish my body would stop responding. I don’t enjoy it. I tolerate it when he really makes me feel guilty for saying no. This is a long, hard story to tell. Do other women ever describe the separation between how they think/feel and how their body naturally responds to touch/sex? I need help.

That does sound normal, and it’s called…

Arousal Non-Concordance: what it is and what we should know

After discussing the dynamics of the reader question, Keith jumps on the podcast and he and I discuss arousal non-concordance and what the research says–when your body and mind don’t sync up when it comes to arousal. I explained it in detail in yesterday’s post on arousal non-concordance, and in the podcast I summarize that post, so check it out for all the studies and links!

And then Keith and I talk about a new study on Mindfulness which shows that the key to re-establishing the mind-body connection is learning to practice mindfulness while you’re making love. And it helps with her orgasm, too! This is something we go over at length in the Orgasm Course as well. 

The Orgasm Course is Here to Help You Experience Real Passion!

Figure out what's holding you back. Open the floodgates to orgasm.

Tell Me More about It! I Need that Now! We’re almost at 1,000,000 downloads of the Bare Marriage podcast!

We need roughly another 40,000. Can you help us get there by the end of the year? Subscribe to the podcast and download it onto your phone! Tell others about the podcast! Let’s have a big celebration when we get there.

(Just playing it or watching on YouTube doesn’t count, unfortunately. It’s wonderful to do, though! I likely have about 3 times as many plays as downloads, but download where you can and help push us over the edge!)

Things Mentioned in This Podcast:

 

Our amazing sponsor Femallay–with innovative menstrual cups, lovely cloth menstrual pads, balancing teas, and best of all, vaginal melts to nourish your body while making sex easy and fun.Our Patreon! Support us for as little as $5 a month, and get access to unfiltered podcasts, an active Facebook group, merch, and more! The money doesn’t go to me but to Joanna and Rebecca as they write articles for peer reviewed journals based on our research and get our research on new social media channels.The Arousal Non-Concordance post–it’s huge and chock full of info you need to knowThat new study on MindfulnessThe Great Sex RescueThe Orgasm Course

What do you think? Does the concept of arousal non-concordance surprise you? Do you find a lot of judgment about your own medical conditions from others? Let’s talk in the comments!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila is determined to help Christians find BIBLICAL, HEALTHY, EVIDENCE-BASED help for their marriage. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts The “Sexual Favors” Postpartum Podcast: Can We Please Stop Being Selfish?

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Arousal Non-Concordance: You Really Need to Know What it Is

I’d like to begin a longer, ongoing conversation today about arousal non-concordance.

To begin, a quick story. As a teen I always won the game Balderdash. Remember that game? You get a bizarre weird word, and everyone has to make up a definition for it, and then you read out all the fabricated definitions with the real one mixed in and guess.

I had a definition I used almost every time, and I always won that round: “the lint that collects in dryer traps.” It was simple. It was to the point. But more importantly, everyone thought: Oh, yeah, there should be a word for that. So they believed that that was a real definition.

Arousal non-concordance is kind of like that.

You may not know what it is, but as soon as I explain it, you’ll think, “oh, yeah. That makes perfect sense. I wish I had understood that was a thing!”

So here we go.

Arousal Non-Concordance

Sexual arousal has two components: your mind saying, “I want the sexy stuff!”, and your body saying, “I’m totally digging the sexy stuff!”

Sometimes, however, the mind might be saying, “let’s get it on!”, but the body hasn’t gotten the message. Or, in many cases, the body has gotten the message, but the mind is turned off, tired, or not even thinking about sex at all.

When the body and mind don’t agree on sex–you have arousal non-concordance!

In December on the blog our monthly series is going to be about Embodiment and Mindfulness.

I figure that it goes along with Christmas and the Incarnation well–how God took on human form and walked this earth, and then resurrected in a physical body, just as we someday will.

Our bodies matter.

So let’s talk about how to live embodied lives, where our minds and bodies are in accordance with each other as much as possible. Let’s talk about mindfulness, where we’re paying attention to our bodies and we’re living in our bodies, rather than making judgments about what our bodies should be doing.

We’ll officially launch that series on Monday, but I thought we’d do a preview today about arousal non-concordance, and continue that tomorrow on the podcast.

I spent some time this week looking up scholarly articles on arousal non-concordance, and it was fascinating. Here’s a bit of what I learned:

Men and women can both experience arousal non-concordance, but for women it tends to be more common.

A huge meta-analysis from 2010 that is still frequently cited found that the self-report, or subjective report of how aroused someone is does not always agree with the “objective” measures of heat cameras on the genitals, monitors, or more. So the genitalia would register arousal, but people would report that they weren’t aroused–and sometimes vice versa.

Men are more likely to say they feel aroused when their genitals do not show arousal; while women are more likely to say they aren’t aroused when their genitals show they are. Of the two genders, though, women’s arousal non-concordance tends to be much greater. The meta-analysis tried to figure out why this was so, and came up with several theories (the self-report may be correct but the instruments measuring arousal may be measuring the wrong thing; men may be more comfortable understanding arousal because they get more noticeable erections; women are made to feel more shame at arousal and so it doesn’t register as much, and more). After examining all of these possible explanations, they found that there was a real gender difference that couldn’t be explained away by methodological problems.

Women just seem to experience non-concordance more. 

Further studies have elaborated on this even more, with these results:

Women tend to be physically aroused by a variety of sexual stimuli, while men tend to be more aroused by a distinct subset.

Let’s talk bonobo apes.

They’re not exactly sexy (unless you’re a bonobo ape, I suppose). But when women watch movies of bonobo apes mating, they say they’re not aroused, but they do experience genital arousal. Men, on the other hand, say they’re not aroused and don’t experience genital arousal.

What’s going on?

Basically, two things: First, in women, the self-report of arousal and genital changes in arousal are less likely to match up than for men.

But second, women experience genital arousal at a wider variety of sexual stimuli than men do, even if their self-report of what is arousing is still quite narrow.

So guys say, “that turns me on,” and their penises tend to agree. Women say, “that doesn’t turn me on,” but their genitals do show changes.

This article talks about the two different pathways to arousal that are likely independent of one another: one the cognitive element and one an autonomous system that reacts to sexual stimuli (either with lubrication or erection). And women seem to autonomously to a wide variety of stimulation, perhaps partly because women are more susceptible to sexual assault, and we experience fewer injuries if there’s lubrication. So women’s bodies may say, “let’s get ready for the sex” even when their minds are nowhere near thinking that way. It’s a protective response.

Now, please hear what this research is NOT saying: It’s not saying that women are aroused and don’t realize it–so get with it, women! No, it’s saying that there are two different arousal pathways that operate quite independently of each other. So when she subjectively rates her arousal and she says, “I’m not turned on,” she’s right. She isn’t cognitively turned on. But her body is gearing up for it anyway.

The sex differences in concordance between objective and subjective arousal can best be summarized as follows: The physiological arousal process, which likely evolved to maximize reproductive success, appears to be quite similar in men and women. However, men react motivationally stronger to sexual stimuli … Women, in contrast, react to sexual stimuli with lubrication, to protect their inner sexual organs, independent of their experienced arousal. Due to the specific anatomy and social influences, men learn to better align their experienced sexual arousal with their physiological reaction. Women, on the other hand, learn early on, not to trust their bodily reactions, as they are often in contrast to social expectations.

The Inquisitive Mind

Sex Differences in the Perception of Sexual Arousal

The problem with desire among women tends to be less about physical arousal and more about mental arousal, or desire.

Why isn’t there a female version of Viagra? That’s what researchers have been trying to figure out: is there a magical pill that will make women aroused? And the answer has largely been no, because for women the problem is less in terms of genital autonomous responses and more in terms of cognitive responses. Another review of the research found again that women tend to respond automatically to sexual stimuli, often within a few seconds, but subjectively they’re not registering any arousal at all.

Unlike for men, then, when the problem is with keeping an erection, women’s problems tend more to be with how cognitively we interpret sex. This makes sense–we don’t need a pill to help us get lubricated, since lots of lubricants are available (and I highly recommend Femallay’s vaginal melts which help nourish your vagina and improve elasticity, too!). No, instead what we need is to feel like we WANT to be sexy. 

Here’s what these researchers conclude: 

Most theorists discuss women’s sexual arousal in terms of a feedback mechanism between these two components, but some studies indicate that genital and subjective sexual arousal are not closely connected for some women. Increases in genital arousal tend to occur somewhat automatically, within seconds of the onset of an erotic stimulus, and can occur even in the absence of subjective reports of feeling sexually aroused. Moreover, the degree of connectivity between genital and subjective arousal seems to be unrelated to sexual arousal function and dysfunction in women. This disconnection raises the question of what exactly sexual arousal in women is and whether physiological changes that occur in the absence of a subjective sexual experience should even be considered a sexual response.

Nature Reviews/Urology

Understanding sexual arousal and subjective–genital arousal desynchrony in women

The issue is not what the genitals are doing but what the brain is thinking. That’s where arousal gets blocked up. And as Rebecca says on the podcast which launches tomorrow, that makes sense. We’re created to be discerning. It’s not safe for women to want to have sex with people that they won’t be safe with or won’t feel safe with, so the mental component in arousal is far more important.

So it’s not that women aren’t aware of what actually turns us on. It’s that we need to pay more attention to what women say turns them on, because it’s the subjective part that makes us desire sex! So if we say we don’t like something, even if our bodies respond, that doesn’t mean we like it and we’re just wrong. It means we want more of that thing that we like! And then we’ll actually want sex mentally–which is the important part.

One last thing–and this one is super important.

Arousal non-concordance can often be at play in cases of sexual assault, and can make trauma victims assume they actually wanted it or consented.

Honestly, Law & Order: Special Victims Unit was the first time I heard of arousal non-concordance (that show has seriously done a good job at educating people on consent and sexual assault!). I’ve talked about it since then several times, and I want to return to it in the new year when we look more at this last element of arousal non-concordance: How it plays a part in furthering sexual assault trauma.

I have known many victims of date rape who did not understand that it was date rape because they became lubricated and even reached orgasm. They assumed that because they were physically aroused, they must have wanted it, even though they had repeatedly said no. This can be even more difficult for male victims, because their arousal is often necessary for the sexual encounter, and so the fact that they became physically aroused seems to mean they weren’t assaulted. But if a guy did not want it to happen, did not consent, and said no, and then someone went ahead anyway and the guy’s body responded, this does not mean that it was not assault.

There’s ongoing research into this, but in some cases it looks as if some people have heightened physical responses to assault because the fight, flight and freeze trauma response is closely related to the sexual arousal response. When our senses are heightened, arousal may follow more commonly. This does not mean anyone wanted it to happen.

Arousal does not equal consent. Orgasm does not equal consent. 

I think a common scenario for Christian wives is feeling like you want to get aroused but your body won’t follow.

This one’s hard to measure in the lab, which is likely why they didn’t find a big incidence of it. But what I hear again and again is women who want to feel aroused, and want to enjoy sex, but their bodies do nothing. I talk a lot about this in both The Orgasm Course and the Boost Your Libido course (which we’re actually revamping over the Christmas holidays because it’s been out for a few years now and it’s time for an update! If you’ve bought it in the past, you’ll have access to the whole new Boost Your Libido course when it’s out in January!).

The Orgasm Course is Here to Help You Experience Real Passion!

Figure out what's holding you back. Open the floodgates to orgasm.

Tell Me More about It! I Need that Now!

What we’ll be looking at a bit this month is how the practice of mindfulness can bridge this gap. It’s what I’ve been trying to teach for years, especially when I speak and in the courses. How to be mentally present when you’re making love. Or “embodiment” is actually another way to put it. How to actually inhabit your body and how to experience your sexuality with your body and not just your mind. So more on that to come!

I hope arousal non-concordance becomes something we talk about more, and that it enters our common vocabulary, in the same way that I hope vaginismus gets talked about more. The fact that so many people don’t understand that this is possible means that people can feel guilt that isn’t theirs; people can feel like they’re perverts if they get aroused by erotic material they were exposed to that they didn’t want to see or didn’t even like; or feel like there’s something wrong with them when their body responds when they don’t want it to–or when it doesn’t when they do want it to.

We’re complex creations. It makes sense that arousal is complex, too.

Have you heard of this concept before? Does it make sense to you? What is your biggest struggle with it? Let’s talk in the comments!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila is determined to help Christians find BIBLICAL, HEALTHY, EVIDENCE-BASED help for their marriage. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts The Seats for Tea and Tent Pegs Are Going Fast!

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Who Believed the Obligation Sex Message More in Your Marriage?

The “Obligation Sex Message” is toxic.

The idea that a woman is obligated to have sex with her husband when he wants it was the most toxic belief that we measured in our survey of 20,000 women for The Great Sex Rescue–and our survey of men.

On Tuesdays I don’t write a full post, but for the last few weeks I’ve shared some data from questions I’ve asked on Instagram. Yesterday in my stories I asked who the obligation sex message affected more, and who believed it more.

So far, 86% of women say it was them. They were the ones who believed it. They were the ones who felt they couldn’t say no, they had to initiate every 3 days, that sex was mostly about his needs.

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Just a few of the messages I received:

I believed it more. My husband was surprised when I told him how it was affecting me, because he has never, and I mean never, treated me this way. But the obligation belief affected the way I viewed sex, even if I was the only one who believed it.

My husband has never once thought that this was the way things should be. Things I’d heard across the years – and I have to say, not just in church circles, but all those magazine articles regarding ‘what he wants’ etc – plus various relationships before I met him, things exes had said (for example, one guy who said ‘I’m a guy in the prime of my life – if I’m not getting it from you, you’d better believe I’m going to get it elsewhere’ 😳) made me feel like I absolutely had to have sex as often as possible, whether I wanted it or not, in order to hold my husband’s attention and ‘be a good wife’

And a husband chimed in:

Well, I think it really affected both of us. And we lived in that reality for years. Now we are slowly working our way out of it. I always wanted her to enjoy sex, always took care of her needs, but also thought it was my “right” to have sex even when she didn’t….that God gave our bodies to each other. I was very very confused and wrong. I wasn’t being mean on purpose, I thought I was in Gods will. Thanks to this book and learning more about Gods love for us we are changing the narrative.

 

Here’s the thing that we found in The Great Sex Rescue, that I have reiterated over and over again:

The problem is not men. The problem is teachings that prioritize men and make sex seem ugly and threatening to women, and make it into an entitlement for men.

It’s the teachings that are the problem, the authors that are the problem, the evangelical system that keeps these books best-sellers that is the problem.

I think most men want passionate, mutual sex with their wives. And I have heard from so very many men (like the one who commented above) who, as soon as they heard another way of seeing things, realized how wrong they had been and changed.

Yes, some men are selfish (as are some women). But the problem is not men. The problem is the teachings. And that means we can change it. Reject the teachings. Reject the books. Speak up when others recommend things like Love & Respect or Every Man’s Battle or For Women Only or Married Sex. And then we’ll see this message affecting fewer and fewer people–and more and more couples thriving.

And tell others about The Great Sex Rescue and set more couples free! It makes a great Christmas stocking stuffer. And we just heard it’s in its fifth printing, and sales have been really brisk. It’s making a difference. Let’s keep it going!

Where can I buy it?

What do you think? Did the obligation sex message affect your marriage? Who believed it more? Who did it affect more? Let’s talk in the comments!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila is determined to help Christians find BIBLICAL, HEALTHY, EVIDENCE-BASED help for their marriage. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts Do Women Consider Giving Sexual Favors Postpartum Arousing?

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