Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 21
October 15, 2021
Take a Tour of Other People’s Podcasts–Where I’ve Been a Guest!
And on other people’s podcasts I often summarize our research for The Great Sex Rescue, and talk about the issues more succinctly than I do on my own podcast, because on my own podcast I can take one episode to delve deeply into one thing. On other people’s podcasts I have to tell the whole story in 30-60 minutes!
So every now and then I like sharing some of the other podcasts I’ve been on.
(If there are some I missed, it wasn’t intentional. I just can’t share them all! But I’ll try to share them on Facebook or Instagram instead!).
So here are just a few!
Neurodiverse Christian MarriagesI’m going to start with a subject that many of you have been asking me about–how to navigate marriage when one or both of you is neurodiverse. Rebecca and I had a great time talking with Stephanie and Dan about The Great Sex Rescue! And Stephanie will be joining our podcast soon, and our blog, to talk about the unique issues that these marriages face.
Stephanie also was a “Great Sex Rescue” ambassador at the Association of Christian Counselors convention last month in Florida! She wore a Great Sex Rescue T-shirt and we equipped her with a case of books to tell everyone about. She had a great time, and we’re so thankful for her!
And here’s the podcast!
Listen in! (you can listen to Part 2 here).
Pure Desire Podcast–Rescuing Our Marriages from PornHosts Trevor and Nick routinely talk to those struggling with pornography and trying to find freedom, and I’ve been so happy to be able to join a number of podcasts for people fighting this scourge. I was first on Pure Desire back in June talking about The Great Sex Rescue, and in this episode we turn more to pornography:
Listen in! Recovering God Podcast from the U.K.I’ve also had fun being a guest on Australian and British podcasts, because the Canadian in me likes to not ALWAYS be talking to Americans and likes to think more broadly about how the American evangelical system has affected those of us outside of it.
Here I joined Amy and Alison to talk about our project!
Listen in! Better Together with Barb RooseI honestly had so much fun with Barb! And she had read our book and loved it and had her own specific questions, which I always love too. I’d love to have Barb on my own podcast sometime, so watch for that in the next few months! I think I made a friend.
Listen in! Freedom Families–Rebecca talks masturbationHere’s a podcast that Rebecca was on last summer, and I just saw recently. And what made me laugh so hard was the graphic! Sometimes we do get ourselves into these awkward positions with what we do!
Listen in! The Great Sex RescueChanging the conversation about sex & marriage in the evangelical church. 
What if you're NOT the problem with your sex life?What if the things that you've been taught have messed things up--and what if there's a way to escape these messages?
Welcome to the Great Sex Rescue. Order Now! That’s it for me for today!We have a super fun day in our family planned, because tonight my brother and sister-in-law are renewing their vows for their tenth anniversary (it’s the sister-in-law we were talking about briefly in yesterday’s podcast who just beat breast cancer). So we will be celebrating tonight.
Hope you enjoy listening in to all of these this weekend! And if I’ve been on your podcast and I haven’t mentioned it yet, I’m sorry! I’ll try to share on social media as well. I’ve been on so many its’ hard to highlight them all. But thank you so much for featuring me.
What’s been your favourite Bare Marriage podcast of 2021? I’d love to feature it later!
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts The Sexual Confidence Series: 3 Markers of a Sexually Confident WomanOct 11, 2021 | 8 Comments
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The post Take a Tour of Other People’s Podcasts–Where I’ve Been a Guest! appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
October 14, 2021
PODCAST: All About Breasts
Rebecca and I are talking about EVERYTHING to do with breasts today, as it is Breast Cancer Awareness Month, and some disturbing quotes from a new Christian book seriously objectify breasts.
I feel like the title of this one could be One Boob, Two Boobs, Small Boobs, Big Boobs, but here we go!
(And my mom joins in for a part too!)
Browse all the Different Podcasts
See the Last “Start Your Engines” (Men’s) Podcast
Or, as always, you can watch on YouTube:
Timeline of the Podcast:
2:15 Let’s talk about boobs!
6:15 Power imbalances cannot be ‘flashed’ away
13:25 Boob size doesn’t correlate to sexual motives
20:30 Boobs are great…unless they’re tiny?
24:20 Breastfeeding boobs!
34:00 Your boobs are YOURS, and your experience matters
36:50 Research: Bra size!
38:10 Breast cancer awareness
41:15 Sheila’s mother, Elizabeth, debuts on the podcast!
53:15 Ending with encouragement
Two things prompted this podcast: Breast Cancer Awareness Week, and the launch of , which includes several pages about how much men like breasts and were designed to like breasts (written by Gary). This quote was published by several who are reading it on Twitter and Facebook, and to say that things have erupted on social media would be an understatement. I made a Fixed it for You out of it too:
We talked about how inappropriate it was to just gloss over the fact that there may be power imbalances in the marriage, let alone to then suggest that the solution to those power imbalances was for her to show him her breasts. Here’s how one woman reacted on Facebook to this quotation:
Let me get this straight: The thing that “enthralls” a man … the thing gives me “influence OVER” him “that can reset ANY power balances that occur because of other issues” …(whatever that means, but I won’t go there now)… is something determined by my genes over which I HAVE NO INFLUENCE?It’s not my CHARACTER … it’s not the way I THINK … it’s not the way I choose my WORDS … it’s not my COMPASSION … it’s nothing that makes me UNIQUELY ME …In fact, it’s something that if my genetics didn’t “bless” me, I could save up enough money and BUY as an add-on …Good God. If I’d read this 33+ years ago, I would have become a nun.
Later in the same passage Gary actually suggests flashing your husband to do so. He goes on to explain that what differentiates people from animals is that we have “full breasts” from puberty onwards, whereas apes only have them when they’re nursing.
We talked about how inappropriate it was to talk about pubertal girls in this way (they’re only 11 often) and also how referring to breasts as “full” is problematic for those who DON’T have full breasts.
We went on to discuss:
How it feels at puberty when you develop breasts too earlyHow we associate sexuality with the size of one’s breasts, and often infer sexual motives on very young girls just because they have breastsHow it feels for women with smaller breasts to hear all of these thingsWhat happens when you have a mastectomy and then you hear things like thisHow we shouldn’t tell nursing women that their breasts still need to be for their husbands–and a rather graphic description of what can happen during sex if you have oversupply issuesAnd, of course, Breast Cancer Awareness Month with my mom (who is 35 years cancer free this month!)We also heard from a reader who was ostracized for breastfeeding in front of male family members.
And my mother shared the great privilege we’ve had of collecting thousands upon thousands of bras from a very generous bra company here to take over to Kenya to a children’s home where my mom often volunteers. They don’t get a lot of new items, and bras–especially for larger women who need the support–are actually quite important. That’s been a wonderful privilege for us to do.
What we love about the Mulli Children’s Family is that it’s entirely Kenyan run. We go to help, but it’s all done by Kenyans.They run the show, and we just support them any way we can (even if that’s bringing bras and setting up a knitting program so young moms can make things to sell and support themselves!).
And it’s just so ironic that my mother spends most of her time now sorting bras–when she’s actually had a mastectomy!
Things Mentioned in This Podcast:Our wonderful sponsor FemallayOur Patreon–support getting our research out for as little as $3 or $5 a month!The Great Sex Rescue–and our video book study that goes along with itLink for breast self-examLink for Married Sex on Amazon–many of the reviews refer to the breast problem, and Shannon Ashley’s write-up about the issues with Married Sex (and how it intersects with me)Our puberty course The Whole StoryPost on Developing Bust Early:
What do you think? Did you have shame when you developed early? How did breastfeeding affect your sex life? How can we talk about breasts in a healthier way? Let’s talk in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts Reader Question: My Husband Doesn’t Think our Sex Life is Good Enough!Oct 8, 2021 | 28 Comments
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The post PODCAST: All About Breasts appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
October 13, 2021
I Need Your Ideas for 2 Things! Menopause Parties and What to Do Before Giving Birth
First off, a woman wrote me with a question that I’d never considered before. You know how some people throw “Period Parties” for their daughters when they get their first periods (not that I think that’s necessarily a good idea; depends on your daughter)? Well, what about celebrating when the period ends!
She asks:
I am a gray-haired 57-year-old wife of my wonderful husband of many decades, mother of two amazing kids, grandmother of several busy, active, imaginative grandkids, daughter, sister, friend, who is approaching her menopause celebration date! I feel like this deserves some kind of recognition or celebration of sorts. Like the other bookend of that awkward First Period Moment, but in a good way? Any thoughts, traditions, ideas would be appreciated!
What a great question!
For those who don’t know, a menopause celebration day would be one year to the day since the start of your last period.So you’re officially in menopause when you haven’t had a period for a full calendar year (I had one friend who had a period on day 340, and then she had to start counting again. That was a bummer.)
I had my day several years ago (I was early), and I didn’t pay much attention to it, except to be happy. But that’s a great question: why don’t we celebrate this more? And what would be a fitting way to celebrate? I found I’ve become way more fierce since menopause, so a lot of women actually enjoy entering this stage of their lives.
And we’ve been talking about our wonderful sponsor Femallay on the podcast, and Femallay has some amazing products, like vaginal “melts” (vaginal suppositories), to help with vaginal dryness and make sex pleasurable and fun (as well as just keeping you more comfortable in general). I highly recommend (and we’ll be talking about them more soon!).
So if you have any thoughts on how to celebrate Menopause Day, let me know!
What would you tell a pregnant woman to do in the last few weeks before she gives birth?Okay, question #2: Rebecca’s due date is rapidly approaching, and little Alex has no idea how much his life is about to change!
(I realize this picture is kind of funny because it looks like it’s MY arm that’s over her belly, but forgive that!)
Anyway, we’re not sure how much time she has left before baby comes. Alex was REALLY late, but there are signs that may not be the case this time. But who really knows?
So assuming she has just a few weeks left, what would you say are the most important things she does right now?
I’d love to write both of those up in two posts! And you guys always have the best ideas.
Also, totally random thing: Here’s the blanket I’ve been working on for 8 years.I normally knit it while we’re in our RV. I use all the ends from sock yarn balls (there’s always stuff left over after you knit socks), and I’ve had other people give me their ends. It’s going to be a summer bedspread, and it’s about maybe 60% done? But it’s getting too big for the RV now so I brought it inside for the winter!
(I just thought some of you may be interested!)
But my real questions are about menopause and getting ready for baby!
So let me know–Menopause Day? Getting Ready for Baby? We’re listening!
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts PODCAST: Why Teens Should Know LOTS About Sex!Oct 7, 2021 | 17 Comments
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October 12, 2021
SEXUAL CONFIDENCE: Knowing that Sex is For You, Too
We think that sex is primarily a male need (after all, in Love & Respect, Emerson Eggerichs said, “If your husband is typical, he has a need you don’t have.”). And if we think of sex as something that he needs and we give, then it’s hard to speak up for what we want or need to feel good. Our needs are secondary. We’re being selfish if we speak up.
But knowing that we matter just as much–that sex was created for us too, and that sex is supposed to be mutual–that helps get rid of those weird guilt feelings when sex isn’t working well and turns it into a shared issue to be learned from.
When we see sex as something he needs, then when sex isn’t working well for whatever reason (you can’t figure out orgasm; sex hurts; you rarely want it), it becomes a problem that you need to solve. It’s your issue.
But when we see sex as a shared thing where both of us matter, then when there’s an issue, the solution is shared and the responsibility is shared. It’s not one person letting down the other; it’s an issue we address together.
I received a letter recently from a woman who is dealing with vaginismus that illustrated this perfectly, and I’d like to share it today.I’ve changed some details so she can’t be identified, but she writes:
I was a virgin when I got married. Before getting married, many friends told me how much it would hurt “for a while.”
So I went into our wedding night totally freaked out.No surprise, I was not mentally ready and yes, it did hurt. No surprise, I developed vaginismus. Fast forward of years of doctors and friends telling me I was making it up, nothing was wrong.
Years into marriage (5-6?)I self diagnosed myself with vaginismus and found a resource on the internet of women who had gone through the same stuff. I sobbed when I read their stories because someone finally understood.
I still didn’t get better though even with the resource, carrying all kinds of shame and it was shoved down my throat that sex was for men and I was depriving my husband. Not a great motivator. Especially when you are already wracked with guilt. Too much mental damage and no idea how to deal with that.
One of the women in my church I went to for advice told me if I didn’t get over myself and give my husband sex he’d leave me for “someone prettier than me.”
Anyway- Christian resources around this didn’t exist, no one acknowledged this and made it even worse. I didn’t know who to go to and what to do.
Through a very painful conception after years of marriage, we got pregnant. After extremely painful vaginal and cervical checks, I had my baby. But then I had horrible back pain. No surprise: my pelvic floor was completely screwed up.
I heard about pelvic floor physiotherapy. She validated my vaginismus self diagnosis and helped me a ton. I finally understood about those muscles and learned some control. She referred me to a sexual health gynecologist (after almost a decade of marriage!). She diagnosed me with vaginismus, extremely thin vaginal tissue and eventually lichen sclerosis. For who knows how long I had LS! I had massive fusing and cut vulva skin. Gosh, validation! And explanation!
We still have some pain, but having validation and help has really really helped me be able to work through it.I also started trauma therapy for some other things, but we did cover all this trauma around my sexual history.
Nowadays I read your stuff and I’m so so so thankful you’ve taken up our fight and story. Me and my husband feel championed and heard by the things you post every day. We both were so hurt by Christian resources which we desperately read when we were hurting.
Even recently I was at a small group and we told our story at a high level.
One man said “your husband must have been a saint not having sex that long!”Years ago I would have agreed with him. But now I’m like “listen, if that’s your definition of sainthood, then we both deserve it. Sex was made for man AND woman! We were BOTH robbed! You are really approaching sex completely wrong if you can only think about what he was going through.”
My husband was so upset. Cause he was like “and I wasn’t in pain every time I tried to do something that was supposed to give us pleasure and connectedness! She went through way more than I did physically and saying anything else is completely missing it.”
Again, the guy was shaming women. Like I was choosing to withhold from my husband cause I was…unwilling? Not wanting sex? No, sir, you are just wrong. Go repent to Jesus for how you approached this.
Anyway- I just want to thank you. I know you guys take all kinds of crap and hate. And I honestly don’t get it. Your message is that in marriage, sex is awesome and wonderful and should be enjoyed by all! So let’s stop pointing fingers or saying “I need it worse than you” and just try to figure out how to make it a time of connection, love, and pleasure as God intended for BOTH parties. Even secular people get this right more often then Christians. I got WAY more compassion from non -Christians than I did from my trusted Christian friends. How sad.
I just love how they both realized that HER struggle with vaginismus was even worse than his.They were BOTH missing out on sex, which was something that God created for both of them. But she was also having to see doctors; have really invasive procedures; and experience the pain!
I know when I had vaginismus at the beginning of my marriage, the people that I sought help from were mostly concerned about Keith. How was he going to get through this? We have to fix Sheila so that Keith doesn’t suffer. That made everything so much worse.
But this couple has realized that she matters just as much as her husband, and that sex was created to be for both of them. And that has freed her to seek help both from trauma counselors and from physiotherapists and sexual health experts.
When you’re seeking help because you have to fix this for your spouse’s sake, there’s a guilt and desperation associated with it. But when you’re seeking help because you’re missing out on something too, then the guilt dissipates. And guilt is never a healthy motivator.
Instead of seeing vaginismus (or other problems) as his loss, see them as a shared loss. That perspective changes everything!
Even if you’re not dealing with problems this extreme, realize that your sexual satisfaction matters too.Sex is not just for the man. When we start valuing our own sexual experience, then it’s easier to speak up and ask for what we want–even if it’s just more foreplay and help for orgasm!
The Orgasm Course is Here to Help You Experience Real Passion!
Figure out what's holding you back. Open the floodgates to orgasm.
Tell Me More about It! I Need that Now! Also, in chapter 4 of The Great Sex Rescue we talk to several women who experienced very similar wedding nights to this reader, and discovered they had vaginismus. We show how certain teachings we grow up with make that more likely, and what to do to make it less likely. Throughout the book, too, we put a lot of emphasis on sexual pain, since Christian women suffer at twice the rate of the general population. In fact, our findings on sexual pain are so significant that we’re speaking at the American Physiotherapist Convention in February with them!
So if vaginismus is part of your story, you’ll really appreciate The Great Sex Rescue even more!
What do you think? Is it hard to prioritize our own experience during sex because we’ve been taught it’s less important? How do you speak up? Let’s talk in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts More Fixed It For Yous: Can Christian Resources Please Stop Enabling Abuse and Sexual Coercion?Oct 6, 2021 | 48 Comments
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October 11, 2021
The Sexual Confidence Series: 3 Markers of a Sexually Confident Woman
Like it’s something we can never really live up to. A sexually confident woman is someone who is totally okay with her body; totally orgasmic; totally cool telling her husband what she wants in bed.
It’s someone who can talk about anything and everything and it doesn’t phase her, because she has completely embraced her sexuality. She has a high sex drive. She loves sex. She loves to experiment!
Few of us can ever live up to that.
And a sexually confident man? He can woo his woman and make her melt. He can make her have multiple orgasms. He’s never worried or insecure.
This month on the blog I want to explore sexual confidence: what it is and how we can develop it.
But before we jump in to that, let’s rethink this whole idea of sexual confidence.To do that, let’s meditate for a minute on the significance of this verse:
…being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.
Philippians 1:6What is the confidence here? It’s not that you have arrived. It’s not that you are perfect. It’s not that the obstacles have all been removed.
It’s instead confidence that you are a work in progress that will one day be completed.
And here’s why this is important: It’s okay to be a work in progress.
In fact, maybe confidence is less about arriving at a place and more about being comfortable with where you are on the journey.Maybe confidence is the ability to step outside of your situation for a second, look at yourself objectively, and say,
“Yes, you have some growing to do. And there was bad stuff in your past, and some good stuff in your past, and both of those things have affected where you are now. But you are here. And God knows that and God is working in you. And so let’s accept what has come before that has put you in this place. Let’s honor the parts of you who tried to protect you from harm and shame. And now let’s start walking forward in who God wants you to be.”
A sexually confident person gets rid of shame and blame and guilt messages, and instead embraces where she (or he) is now.And then, because we’ve accepted what has come before and we’re not blaming ourselves anymore, we can walk forward.
So let’s look at some of these elements of sexual confidence. I’m going to talk mostly to woman here, because women often have unique problems in these areas, but I think these things can apply to men as well!
1. A sexually confident woman accepts the past and the things that have shaped her, for good or bad, and does not blame herself for them.Lots of us get married with body image issues, with issues about sex, with false beliefs about sex.
And then, when sex doesn’t work, we blame ourselves. Why can’t we get over this? Every other woman can enjoy this; why can’t I? Why am I still bogged down by something that happened 18 years ago?
But shame and blame and guilt shouldn’t be part of the Christian life. What if we could reframe that and say: “You had a lot to overcome. This world can be gross when it comes to sex, and you had so many negative messages so early, and those have affected you. But that doesn’t need to be the end of the story.”
What I always say in my Girl Talk, my event at where I speak at churches about sex, is that it’s totally okay to have issues with sex. We all have issues with something; sex is as good as anything else, because it’s so deeply personal. Instead of feeling badly for having issues, be kind to yourself and realize why you have those issues. And then seek appropriate help.
See a trauma therapist. Talk to a counselor. Or read The Great Sex Rescue! So many women are finding it freeing.
Sometimes the things we have to accept about the past are mistakes that we’ve made or things we’re ashamed about.I’ve interviewed countless women who have trouble reaching orgasm, and often they’ll tell me they think it’s God punishing them for having multiple partners before marriage, or for having sex with their now-husband before they were married. They did it wrong, and so now God is giving them the consequences of their actions.
I know many of us in purity culture were taught that sex was best if we waited, and anything else would be “less than.” But that’s really not how God works. God WANTS you to have an amazing sex life and an amazing marriage! He’s actually on your side! He doesn’t want to rob you of abundant life. If you’re having trouble, that is not God’s punishment. You don’t need to live in this.
And sometimes we need to forgive our bodies, too.I’ve also talked to so many women who believe they’re broken sexually. They’ve never been able to reach orgasm, and so they figure there’s something wrong with them. Or maybe you hit puberty really early and your breasts developed early and you feel like they caused you to have unwanted attention. You feel as if your body has been betraying you and making you unsafe your whole life. How are you supposed to embrace it?
Again, I’m a big believer in talking to a counselor! But when it comes to confidence, maybe what we also need is some compassion for ourselves. “You’ve had it rough. Lots of people don’t have the degree of struggle that you do. This has been an area of hurt in your life, and that’s okay. But you are beautifully and wonderfully made, and there’s nothing wrong with you.”
Have compassion on yourself sexually.Recognize that a lot went in to building who you are now. Most of that was not your fault. And even if you did do things you regret, Jesus has already made that right by dying for us. He makes all things new. You don’t need to necessarily feel it now, but just know and embrace that it is okay that you’re at where you’re at–and you don’t need to punish yourself for it.
2. A sexually confident woman accepts that she was created to be sexual, even if she can’t feel it or understand it yet.I’ve shared before that when we first got married, sex was really hard for me. I had vaginismus (so sex hurt), and Keith wanted sex all the time. He felt really rejected. I felt like sex was something that was a big rip off, like everyone had lied to me.
What changed things was not me seeing sex as something different–because I wasn’t in the place that I could do that yet. What changed was reminding myself of some truths that I knew about God:
God made sex to be great. God made me to enjoy sex. If that wasn’t happening right now, it wasn’t a problem with sex itself, or even with me. It was just circumstances that we were facing.
But if I could trust that God made it to be good, even if I could see how it could be good right now, then I could move in the right direction. I stopped trying to convince myself that sex was great, and started saying, “that’s not what I’m experiencing right now, but I know that God made this to be good for me. And I’ll get there one day because that’s how I was created.”
I stopped blaming, and stopped being mad, and stopped trying to force myself to feel something I didn’t, and just let myself be who I was right now, knowing that even if I wasn’t experiencing great sex, that didn’t mean that sex wasn’t great.
It just meant that I had some learning to do, and that was okay.
3. A sexually confident woman looks forward to sexuality as a journey of discovery, rather than as a pass/fail experience.It’s hard to be confident if every time you have sex you feel like you’re being marked.
It’s really difficult when you haven’t had an orgasm or you have difficulty with orgasm, and you’re frustrated. We go into detail about how to reach that milestone in our Orgasm Course!
The Orgasm Course is Here to Help You Experience Real Passion!Figure out what's holding you back. Open the floodgates to orgasm.
Tell Me More about It! I Need that Now! But the big mindshift that we need to make is seeing sex as a time to learn to feel aroused and intimate with one another–and then let everything flow from there. You’re learning to be in the moment. You’re letting yourself enjoy what you are feeling rather than blaming yourself for what you’re not. You’re focused on feeling connected now, not wishing it were somehow different.
And you realize that you have the right to speak up and ask for what you want too (more on that this month!). In fact, you let yourself matter when it comes to sex. You realize that you don’t need to apologize for how you feel or what you want,
What if the pass/fail experience is less about orgasm and more about being rejected?Maybe your issue isn’t that you struggle with orgasm, but that your spouse rarely wants sex. A sexually confident person knows that this is not a comment on your worth, but rather a comment on where their spouse is at right now–even if the rejection feels difficult.
If these elements don’t seem to add up to sexual confidence to you, think about it this way:
What is the opposite of sexual confidence?Sometimes by better understanding the opposite of something, it helps us understand what we’re aiming for. The opposite of sexual confidence is shame, and guilt, and a constant feeling that you are a failure.
The opposite of sexual confidence, you see, is not failing; it’s feeling as if you are a failure. A sexually confident person is not someone who necessarily reaches orgasm every time or wants sex every night (or every morning!) or has a husband who wants sex all the time; it’s someone who is free of shame and guilt and judgment and is able to live in the present, grateful for what God has given her and what God is doing in her life, and being open to more of that.
I hope that’s good news! Sexual confidence isn’t about arriving somewhere; it’s about being comfortable with who you are.This month, we’re going to look at how to make that more of a reality in your life, even if you have trouble reaching orgasm; even if you’re burdened by a traumatic past; even if you have bad marriage dynamics in your past.
He who began a good work in you can be faithful to complete it.
You’re at this blog for a reason. You’ve read The Great Sex Rescue for a reason. Breathe in. Breathe out. You’re okay. Now let’s move forward!
What do you think? Have you struggled with some of this? Does the idea that acceptance and confidence are linked surprise you? Let’s talk in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related PostsOct 5, 2021 | 162 Comments
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The post The Sexual Confidence Series: 3 Markers of a Sexually Confident Woman appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
October 8, 2021
Reader Question: My Husband Doesn’t Think our Sex Life is Good Enough!
Recently we were talking about 10 marriage and sex red flags–signs that there may be something wrong with your marriage.
Here’s a really messy question from a woman whose husband has decided to withhold sex since their sex life was so bad. I thought we could work through this one together and look at how there may be some red flags here
(And, yes, I am going to start my sexual confidence series! The post is almost done–I just got back from vacation yesterday and didn’t have time to finish it, and I already had this one ready! So look for it on Tuesday, AFTER Canadian Thanksgiving on Monday):
I’m in my early 30s with two children. My marriage has not been great but not bad either, until last year when things took a bad turn and it doesn’t seem to be getting better. My husband woke me up and asked that we talk, he told me that he is not happy, that our sex life sucks and he has not really enjoyed sex with me since marriage, never feels the emotional or spiritual connection when making love and that he can not pretend any longer and even though we still remained intimate, we haven’t had sex in 3 months now. I usually get rejected when I initiate it and now I’m too afraid to try. We were celibate throughout our courtship and I did struggle the first year of marriage to be comfortable with sex, he would complain that I was tense and not enjoying him. I did seek advice and was told to masturbate and I did and thought it improved things but to my surprise, it wasn’t good enough. I have been raped when I was young by my two cousins and it does bother me now and then. I was born again at 12 and had been celibate till marriage and now I’m so frustrated to say the least. My husband has had multiple sexual relationships before he met me and I do feel compared to the women in his past. My marriage is in shambles and each day I pray for restoration. I do sometimes turn to masturbation and feel guilty thereafter and so now try just to cross my legs and be strong.
Wow, that’s really, really sad. Let’s take a look at some big picture issues here.
It’s quite common to make sex about his needsWe grow up in a culture that is always talking about how much men need sex and how high a sex drive men have (which is quite a hard message to hear for those women who end up marrying men with no sex drives!). We believe that a man can’t be happy until he has regular and frequent sex.
And so this couple gets married, and she has problems. She writes, “he would complain that I was tense and not enjoying him. I did seek advice…” So sex isn’t working that great for her. But how do they react to that? He complains and she seeks outside advice.
She’s denying her legitimate need to feel comfortable with sex and get used to sex because of his supposed greater need to get sexual fulfillment and release.
Their needs are at odds with each other–because they’re seeing sex as an individual thing, where “I need to get my needs met” and “it needs to match my expectations”. Even she is–the difference is that she’s seeing it as about his needs rather than her own. Sex is supposed to be easy and frequent, and when it’s not, it’s now her problem to deal with, rather than their problem to deal with.
If people saw sex as being primarily about intimacy, then this wouldn’t happenIf we could stop talking about sex as primarily being about getting needs met, and start talking about sex as primarily being a vehicle through which you feel like one, then perhaps these problems could stop. You see, if sex were primarily about intimacy and that feeling like you’re totally and utterly connected to one another, then if someone is having a hard time with sex, it becomes your problem together, not just one person’s problem that they need to go get fixed and then come back when they have it all together.
I understand that young men often have very high sex drives. I understand that there are a lot of expectations around sex when you first get married. But if people were taught that sex was about both of us together, not just me getting release, then perhaps we could learn to treat each other well rather than seeing sex as one big area of entitlement.
So let’s go back for first principles. What should a healthy sex life look like?What Healthy Sex Looks Like
A healthy sexual relationship is where both people believe that sex is supposed to be intimate, mutual, and pleasurable for both; it is not primarily for one person’s needs. Both people are working towards that and are committed to attaining that–even if it means addressing some roadblocks along the way. Both people value the intimacy and closeness that sex ideally brings to a marriage, and works towards that.
Sex is not something that is used to manipulate or punish someone, and if sex is taken off the table, it’s either because the spouse isn’t safe or because you need time to work on other parts of the relationship.
With that as our framework, let’s analyze what’s actually happening in this scenario where her husband doesn’t think their sex life is good:Their marital satisfaction and emotional connection has not been strongHer husband feels as if there is no emotional or spiritual connection during sexHe rejects her when she tries to initiate and they are living in a sexless marriageShe found sex awkward and painful during the first year of marriage, and in that time, he complained that she was not enjoying it.She sought advice, and started to enjoy things, but he didn’t think that was enough.She has sexual trauma in her pastHe had multiple sexual partners and she feels compared to them (though, to be fair, we don’t know if he actually does compare them)She feels sexual frustrationWhen you look at that story, do you see a situation where the HUSBAND has put in any work to fix the sex life? Obviously he may have and she may not have mentioned it, but assuming that she is telling the story fairly, he complained when she was in pain and having an awkward transition to sex, rather than slowing down and trying to figure out how her body worked. In fact, he made her figure out her pleasure on her own through masturbation.
He has shown no sympathy for the sexual trauma in her past.
He has cut her off from sex now.
When I read this, I see plenty of sex red flags that we talked about in our red flags post.He doesn’t want sex at all, which likely means that he is getting sexual release somewhere else (like pornography or an affair). It doesn’t seem like he has zero libido, because he did want more sex earlier in their marriage.
He complains that they had no emotional or spiritual connection, but at the same time he has shown no consideration for her well-being, including her healing from sexual trauma or the pain that she felt during sex. He simply blamed this on her. Someone who wants to feel connected during sex should be trying to show love to their partner, not blaming them. They should be building bridges and intimacy, not demolishing them.
I would be suspicious of porn use; and I would also see a licensed counselor to talk through these issues, because this is serious.
I also think it’s vitally important to see a trauma-informed therapist to deal with the sexual abuse in her past.Perhaps it all is in her past, and perhaps she is healed, but when you’ve gone through a significant trauma like that, you often need some help healing. It’s not just anger or bitterness or a spiritual problem; your brain can actually be stuck in trauma mode, and there are therapies that can help you.
Finally, if porn use is not a problem in this marriage, I’d suggest working through the 31 Days to Great Sex challenge with her husband.I designed 31 Days for couples who want to have great sex, but who have given up or gotten discouraged. The first few challenges are basic but fun; they help you look at your goals for sex, the lies you’ve been believing about sex, and do some super fun preliminary exercises that can show that you both honestly can give each other pleasure!
Then in the next week we focus on building emotional intimacy and having fun together–how to flirt again, be affectionate, laugh together. After that, we move on to physical fireworks–how to actually have an orgasm; how to make sex feel great for both of you; how to figure out which body parts you each really like! Then we move on to spiritual intimacy and how to feel like one. We address some of the big elephants in the room and the sexual baggage you both have. We talk about how to figure out boundaries and how to make sure that porn or other things don’t wreck our marriage. And we make a plan to carry these lessons forward so we don’t lose them.
The biggest thing that people have told me after working through 31 days is that they finally were able to talk about a lot of these things and they had such breakthroughs. This is quite typical of the emails I get:
My husband and I read 31 days to great sex and started talking about sex. (we honestly read the whole book in just a few nights) We started talking and a wall was lifted in our marriage. I could literally cry typing this out.….So much has changed in 2 short months. We have sex A LOT which has healed our marriage. (we have been catching up for lost time!)
Feeling sexually disconnected?
Like you've lost your groove?
Like you're on two different planets when it comes to sex in your marriage?
31 Days to Great Sex can help you talk through what's gone wrong and try some new things to figure out how to make it RIGHT!
Let's try it!
Early in the book, too, I ask some pointed questions about porn use and abuse and insist the couple figure these things out before working through the book (and help people recognize red flags). If you are wondering if something rises to the level of red flag, this can also help.
Finally, if he isn’t interested in going through the challenge with you, then that’s another red flag.
It means he doesn’t actually want to fix the sex life; he just wants to punish her and use it to control her. That’s not safe, and in that case, I’d suggest going to a counselor alone (since couples’ counseling isn’t a good idea in abusive situations) and talk about what to do.
Sex should be something that unites us and that makes us feel intimate, not something that we use to punish each other with.Yes, we’re going to have issues with sex, and sometimes one or both of us will have to take hard lines to make sure those issues are dealt with (like porn use or lack of foreplay or sexual pain or sex never feeling very good). But if you don’t both share the goal of building a sex life that is intimate, mutual, and pleasurable for both, then something is desperately wrong. And that’s when you may need some help!
Now I’d really love to talk about this question in the comments: Do you see red flags here? How can we overcome feelings of disappointment or entitlement? How can we change that conversation?
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts Men and Women Are Different When it Comes to Sex–but Thankfully It’s Not Because of Our BrainsOct 4, 2021 | 15 Comments
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October 7, 2021
PODCAST: Why Teens Should Know LOTS About Sex!
People want a good resource and a good way to talk about important stuff with their kids, but sometimes our podcasts just aren’t appropriate for teens.
Well, it’s Rebecca here today, and my mother is just driving back from New Brunswick and her east coast vacation, so Connor and I decided to try to record just such a podcast today. Of course we have The Whole Story course that we both worked on to help start those discussions about sex and puberty with your kids, but if you want something for older kids, I hope this discussion will help!
Browse all the Different Podcasts
See the Last “Start Your Engines” (Men’s) Podcast
This one’s not on YouTube since we’re filling in for my mom while she’s on vacation–and we don’t have the same equipment at our house! So it’s just audio today.
Timeline of the Podcast0:30 Listen to this episode WITH your teens!
1:30 Rebecca and Connor’s ‘Sex-Ed’ Experiences
8:30 Multiple conversations with more information!
12:45 Toxic ways to talk about Virginity and Soul Ties
21:00 How more information can Help, not Harm
27:00 Teenagers Make Decisions Differently
33:00 Sex isn’t everything, and people will change as they grow
41:30 We want to hear from YOU about this!
Connor and I go into our sex-ed mix-ups and the weird stuff we believed, and then talk about the two big messages that we often hear in evangelicalism that can hurt teens whether they’re having sex or not.
Then we talk about how we plan on talking to our own kids when they’re teenagers about sex (which is hard to imagine right now since our daughter is just arriving in the next few weeks!)
You're telling me WHAT goes WHERE?!Talking about sex with your kids doesn't always go smoothly.
That's why we created The Whole Story, our online course that walks parents through the tough conversations and does the hard parts for you!
Learn More! Things Mentioned in This Podcast:The Whole Story puberty courseOur Bare Marriage patreon group, if you want to support our research and getting out into new social media channels!
We’d love to know–how are YOU planning on talking to your teen about sex? Or what are you saying now? What do you wish your parents had done? Let’s talk in the comments!
Rebecca Lindenbach Blog Contributor, Author, and Podcaster
Rebecca Lindenbach is a psychology graduate, Sheila’s daughter and the author of Why I Didn’t Rebel. Working alongside her husband Connor, she develops websites focusing on building Jesus-centered marriages and families. Living the work-from-home dream, they take turns bouncing their new baby boy, and appeasing their curmudgeonly rescue Yorkshire terrier, Winston. ENTJ, 9w8. Check out Why I Didn't Rebel, or follow her on Instagram! Twitter Related Posts How to Tell if Christian Authors Are Using Junk Science about Gender DifferencesOct 1, 2021 | 43 Comments
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October 6, 2021
More Fixed It For Yous: Can Christian Resources Please Stop Enabling Abuse and Sexual Coercion?
When writing The Great Sex Rescue, we read the 10 bestselling marriage books (we excluded 3 because they didn’t talk enough about sex) and 6 iconic sex books. Of the 13 books that we looked at, not a single one used the word consent in the context of marital rape or coercion.
In fact, some even made rape seem like not a big deal (and hence my dedication to Aunt Matilda, from Tim LaHaye’s Act of Marriage).
Well, on Instagram and Facebook I like to put up “Fixed It For You”s where I take a quote from a Christian book and I “fix” it so that it’s no longer toxic.I get amazing feedback on these, and people keep asking me to do more (so if you have any sentences you want me to fix, let me know!).
You can browse them on my Instagram profile, and I’ve done other posts featuring these. But I thought today I’d run my five most recent ones, which, as I look back over them, seem to have a common theme–coercion.
I was supposed to launch our sexual confidence series today–the post is almost done! Truly!. But I got carried away with all the responses to yesterday’s , especially on social media. So thank you for your support! We’re also starting the drive home from New Brunswick today, and we had to get up and leave super early. So the sexual confidence post will likely come on Friday!
Okay, on the Fixed it For Yous! Let’s start with this one from John Piper, which went huge (and for each image, if you click on it it will take you to Instagram where you can also read the long comment that I put up with each quote! It’s often more nuanced that my simple “fix”):
If you want to see the context of this quote, find it here. He later did try to clarify his remarks, but he never apologized or told women that they didn’t need to go to the elders–and John Piper’s church, Bethlehem Baptist, has excommunicated women who left their abusive husbands.
But let’s turn to sexual coercion.What do our resources say about rape?
Well, according to Every Heart Restored, a book from the Every Man’s Battle series by Steve Arterburn and Fred Stoeker, there’s an acceptable quota. He’s allowed to coerce you once a day, but beyond that it’s too much.
What about advice to teens about abuse and sexual coercion?Here’s where things get even sadder to me. Rebecca and I have spoken about the problems with the book For Young Women Only before on the podcast, and we addressed this particular quote when we looked at how Christian books make men seem fragile.But here Shaunti Feldhahn is telling teenage girls that if a boy is angry at her, it’s likely because she disrespected him.
Think about that: she is telling girls that one of the main red flags of an abusive relationship is actually her fault, and she should internalize the blame for it. Holy cow.
Now let’s get into what Shaunti tells girls about date rape. In her book, she talks about her survey where, according to her, 82% of boys said they had little ability and felt little responsibility to stop teh sexual progression. We’ve taken apart that survey question line by line, but think about the implications of this original quote. That’s horrifying.
What’s her most precious treasure?Let’s end with the biggest one so far, that got the most likes on Instagram. It’s not about coercion per se, but rather straight from purity culture, where a couple has sex–but only she is to blame.
In Chapter 4 of The Great Sex Rescue we looked at how messages like this one–that a girl is responsible for being the gatekeeper, because he can’t help himself–end up seriously hurting her ability to get aroused once she gets married–and we walk you through step by step how to overcome this.
Jesus doesn’t kill the soul, but messages like these do.Will you continue to speak up with me? Will you continue to ask Christian resources to do better than this–and to stop using any Christian resources that spread messages like these?
When we start speaking up and when we refuse to accept these, then we’ll raise the bar, and stuff like this will no longer be able to be said.
The Great Sex RescueChanging the conversation about sex & marriage in the evangelical church. What if you're NOT the problem with your sex life?What if the things that you've been taught have messed things up--and what if there's a way to escape these messages?
Welcome to the Great Sex Rescue. Order Now!Which one horrified you the most? Have a quote you’d like me to “fix”? Let me know in the comments!
(Also, Connor is doing a lot of technical work on the blog today to try to fix some glitches with the comments. If you leave a comment this afternoon, and it disappears, sorry about that! But we should be good for most of the day!).
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts PODCAST: Are There “Pink Brains” and “Blue Brains”? A Review of the Neuroscience Christian Authors Like to CiteSep 30, 2021 | 43 Comments
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October 5, 2021
I Have Become “She Who Must Not Be Named”
I was going to start the sexual confidence series today, and that post is 85% done, but when I got up to finish it this morning I checked my email and now I can’t think straight, and so I’d just like to tell you about it instead.
As I’ve mentioned before, Gary Thomas and I were once very good friends.He would send his manuscripts to me to ask advice about the parts on female sexuality; he would endorse my books (and Rebecca’s); I would endorse his. We spoke together. We frequently emailed and talked.
At one point, I actually thought he might write the foreword for The Great Sex Rescue, because we had spoken on the phone about the problems with the books that I critique, and he knew they were problematic.
But when I sent him the manuscript last summer, he declined to endorse it, saying he didn’t like our approach of calling out other books (and that he didn’t agree with our take on lust). I was, frankly, shocked and hurt–I thought he understood, I had expected him to love the book. However, I made it clear that this didn’t need to damage our friendship at all because I understood that I was taking a risk by calling out these people so publicly. He also said that he didn’t want to damage our relationship at all, and really respected what I was doing even if he could not publicly endorse.
He has since written Married Sex with counselor Deb Fileta (which even after he declined to endorse our book, I still offered to help him with, and which I offered to run any stats for that they wanted from our dataset, but they never asked).
Gary put up a blog post advertising his new book that some of our patrons brought to our attention because they thought he had plagiarized me. I read it, and got a funny feeling about the new book. We attained an advanced copy and quickly searched for some key phrases.
It only took a matter of seconds to find our ideas, our research, our message in his book with zero citation attributing it to us.
Ironically, Gary and my friendship started when, in 2013, he sent me an email saying that in a blog post I had used his idea that God is your father-in-law and hadn’t cited him. Although Keith actually said that to me first when we were newlyweds, and that’s where I actually got the idea from, I quickly apologized and added a citation and an amazon link where people could buy his book because I wanted to do the right thing. That was the starting point of our friendship.
And in previous books and articles, Gary has cited me when he used my ideas–even the exact same ideas he failed to cite in his new book. I also found a phrase that was almost identical to one of our big takeaways in The Great Sex Rescue. But one thing was missing: a citation crediting those ideas to our work.
Gary read The Great Sex Rescue, AND he belonged to my mailing list for years, with a 76% open rate on my daily emails with my blog posts. He read all of my stuff. He is very familiar with my wording. He has openly cited me in the past.
But now, now that we have data that calls out some of his friends in high places, now he decided not to follow the ethical and moral standards in publishing and cite where he gets his information. Because we are a tainted source.
I asked him and his publisher to cite me in future printings of his book and in the ebook.
I’ve been involved in a prolonged conversation with publishers, etc. While people agreed it didn’t rise to the level of a lawsuit, it was clear that morally and ethically he had should cite me. He had in the past for the same stuff, and the new phrase was ours. This conversation started before our post about the neuroscience research last Friday, and he had already said no before we started speaking up about the problems in his book.
I just found out this morning that rather than cite us, he has chosen to remove all the offending bits from future printings.I’m so toxic he doesn’t want me in his footnotes. In fact, he sees us as so problematic he’d rather remove the language in his book that could help marital rape victims than point them to resources that could set them free.
And he’s asked for his endorsement for 31 Days to Great Sex to be rescinded, even though in his mind there is absolutely nothing wrong with that book.
Why am I toxic?Because I call out other authors, and I hold people to account.
But let’s be clear:
It was not me who wrote the blog post telling women that they could help their husbands not watch porn by having more sex with himIt wasn’t me who called domestic violence victims venomous when they spoke up on his Facebook Page and called that post harmfulIt wasn’t me who blocked abuse advocates from my Facebook Page when they begged him to listenIt wasn’t me who cherry-picked research and used faulty neuroscience.No, it was me who surveyed 20,000 women and decided to listen. And decided that some of my older materials needed to be changed or pulled to match what we know now.
It was me who said that we need to do marriage teaching better in the evangelical church, so that we stop causing harm.
I’m going to end with the top review for The Great Sex Rescue on Amazon:
I am being rescued by this book. I am one of those women whose hang-ups about sex have caused grief in my otherwise really great marriage. And I’m one of those women whose hang-ups have come, pretty much entirely, I think, from the evangelical culture/teachings I’ve absorbed all my life. I am one of those women married to a wonderful man who desires true mutuality and intimacy with me, who values my experience (read: orgasm) and perspective. He is a true partner in all things. (Here we cue the big-time guilt from me, the wife who never really wants to have sex with her wonderful husband… what is wrong with me??). Through tears I have told my husband what a strange experience it is to be “triggered” by the clarity of this message, calling out all the messed-up teaching. I knew something was off with “purity culture” and such, but I didn’t really realize where my aversion to sex was coming from and how much those messages have affected me. I feel like I understand something about myself that I didn’t before, why something deep down inside me has been recoiling against this stuff all along (without even consciously recognizing it). When my husband just wants to be with me, my gut instead has felt that deeply-ingrained duty/obligation sex message that is so icky.
Basically, I realize that I’ve been taught the exact same unhealthy crap that secular culture teaches (everything the #metoo movement has called out: the low expectations for men, men are animals, girls have to enforce boundaries, transactional sex, objectification of women, girls need to put out to keep guys around, etc…) just with the twist of purity culture applied to it and the authority of Scripture (taken out of context and misinterpreted) slapped on for extra force. Which makes it all even uglier and more abhorrent, if we recognize it for what it is. It has been interesting for me to realize how much of Evangelical teaching about sex in marriage comes from a male perspective and with an underlying fear-based message. God, as shown to us by Jesus, is never interested in coercing behavior out of fear.
It is hard to describe how restorative, immensely validating and freeing it is just to have an informed Christian voice saying with clarity, “No. That is wrong. That is not true. This is not acceptable.” I have cried a lot (in a good way). As a young woman growing up with a heart for Jesus and a healthy sex drive, if I had never internalized this stuff I think I would have entered into marriage with an amazing freedom in regard to sex – just two people wanting to love each other, mutually please each other, and connect.
I am so, so thankful for this book! I hope it is a game-changer for Evangelical Christian culture. Let’s get rid of these rotten messages and run toward freedom in Christ (and the great sex in marriage that brings)! 🙂 I’m ready, and I’m thankful for the rescue.
JA Schwartz That is what Gary thinks is so toxic that he would rather change his material than have to cite me.That’s what he thinks is so terrible. (and please read the reviews to see what others are saying).
Interestingly, it does not appear that Gary has chosen to change the inaccurate information about vaginismus and about neuroscience from Married Sex; only the parts where he cites me without crediting me. I have asked for confirmation about this, but as of right now I believe he would rather leave inaccurate medical information in his book than to have to cite The Great Sex Rescue.
When the Christian establishment doesn’t cite me or tries to ostracize me, it’s not really me that they’re rejecting. It’s the 20,000 women’s stories who are in our survey. It’s the people who shared their stories and said uncomfortable things that they don’t want to deal with.
And it’s not just ME, either. I have two co-authors, both the mothers of two babies (well, one baby is coming any day now). The only reason we know that the obligation sex message is harmful is because of Joanna Sawatsky. And yet he put that in his book without citing her, because he doesn’t like me. He used the work of a 30-year-old woman who was running stats while breastfeeding, but he didn’t want to give her credit for it.
He would rather not acknowledge 20,000 women; he would rather ignore the abuse advocates; he would rather not acknowledge young, smart women doing work in this field. And he would rather ignore me, a woman who has called the evangelical marriage industry to account.
It is not wrong to be want to be cited for your work.
Why is this so threatening to everyone? Why is it so bad to ask that we do better in this area?
Anyway, I’m just sad. That’s really all I had to say, and I didn’t think I could coherently write the rest of my post on sexual confidence today.
And if you want to support us–the best way is to buy The Great Sex Rescue! For yourself or a friend.
Or, please, join our Patreon, which helps fund writing up papers for peer-reviewed journals and into new social media channels! They can’t silence us. They can try, but they can’t.
The Great Sex RescueChanging the conversation about sex & marriage in the evangelical church. What if you're NOT the problem with your sex life?What if the things that you've been taught have messed things up--and what if there's a way to escape these messages?
Welcome to the Great Sex Rescue. Order Now! Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts Announcing the Debutante Ball for our Dataset in the ARDASep 29, 2021 | 9 Comments
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October 4, 2021
Men and Women Are Different When it Comes to Sex–but Thankfully It’s Not Because of Our Brains
Rebecca and Connor talked on the Bare Marriage podcast last week about how we’ve been told by many evangelical authors that neuroscience shows that men think about sex in a way that women do not, and that men are visually stimulated in a way that women can’t understand.
The only problem? The neuroscience doesn’t say that. And on Friday I took you through a process to see how Gary Thomas’ claim in his new book Married Sex is easily debunked with a few minutes of research.
This does not mean, though, that there aren’t any differences between men and women when it comes to sex.I explained this in two long posts on Facebook, and I thought I’d adapt them for this post, because they’re a great conclusion to our discussion of neuroscience–and a great introduction to our series for October on sexual confidence!
So let’s jump in:
Our survey of 20,000 women that we turned into our book The Great Sex Rescue found that 58% of men have the higher sex drive in marriage, compared with 19% of women (the rest were shared). We also know from other research that men tend to be aroused more easily and stay aroused; women take longer and are often easily distracted. In general, men are more likely to have spontaneous libidos, and women more likely to have responsive libidos.
But that doesn’t mean that ALL men are one way and ALL women another way; that we are different species; that we can never understand.
More than that, though, our brains are highly influenced by what happens around us.Our culture forms us; our beliefs form us; our experiences form us; even our anatomy forms us. Think of boys: they are very, very aware growing up when they become aroused, because they get erections. So they learn to pay hyper close attention to arousal. One of the big meta-analysis studies that Rebecca was talking about on the podcast this week talked about how women and men can get to similar levels of physical arousal with visual stimuli (though we tend to be aroused by different things), but subjectively men say they’re more aroused than women do (I’m simplifying here, so forgive me. It’s dense to get through).
Men grow up in a culture where women’s bodies are everywhere and objectified; women, by and large, do not grow up in a culture where men’s bodies are similarly objectified. Boys are taught from a young age that enjoying looking at women is manly; girls are taught from a young age that they have to fear men looking at them.
All of these things will influence how we experience sexuality.
Then there are the messages we get at church. Boys are told that they will find pornography and women’s bodies incredibly tempting and challenging and that they have to fight lust which will be their constant battle; girls are told that they will have to be the gatekeepers and dress modestly to stop boys from sinning and put the brakes on in the physical relationship because it will be too difficult for boys.
So boys grow up assuming they will have ravenous sex drives; girls grow up hearing that they don’t really want sex, and instead that sex can be threatening.
When we’re talking about sexual differences between men and women, then, it’s a much better idea to stop talking about brains and start talking about culture.What messages are we giving our boys and girls?
Our resources seem to take it for granted that men want sex all the time and women don’t, and so we have to convince women to have sex with their husbands.
Wouldn’t it be better to ask, “why don’t women want sex?” We’re the ones with the clitorises. We’re the ones who can have multiple orgasms. What has killed women’s sex drives?
The culprits aren’t hard to find: Our messaging around sex; a culture that makes sex threatening and dirty to us; and, of course, mental load!
None of those things have to do with our brains (though our brains are heavily plastic and can be influenced by all of these things). All of those things have to do with how we talk about sex and what we inadvertently teach our kids.
Here’s why it matters that our differences about sex are not primarily due to the brain:People are claiming that God MADE men and women incredibly differently. But then what is the solution? They can never really understand each other, and women just need to give men more sex, knowing that it’s hard for them not to lust or watch porn; and they need to help men in this fight (I can’t think of a less sexy message).
If God made us this way, there’s really nothing we can do. Men have to settle for less than they want; women have to give more than they want; and neither is ever really happy. Men feel rejected. Women feel used. And that’s the best case scenario.
But what if our sex drive and our approach to sex is largely cultural–based on our experiences; our beliefs; the messaging we hear? Then things can be changed!
Biblically we know that sex was designed to be MUTUAL, INTIMATE, and PLEASURABLE FOR BOTH.
But those relying on neuroscience to say that men need sex in a way that women can never understand are already ditching the “mutual” part. In fact, they’re ditching “intimate”, too, because they’re saying his needs matter more than hers (you can’t be intimate unless you both matter). And often they’re ditching the pleasurable for both, because they’re asking women to give hand jobs while postpartum, etc. (Nothing wrong with that; more power to you! But it has to be at her choice, not because she’s pressured into it).
At the end of Jesus and John Wayne, Kristin du Mez said, “what has been done can be undone.”THAT’S our message in The Great Sex Rescue: We are in this mess where women feel obligated and pressured and don’t always want sex, and men feel rejected and helpless, because of the way we’ve talked about sex. Because of our culture. Because of our messaging–including, and especially, in these books that blame it on our brains and the way God made us.
But that also means that we can change!
It starts with realizing that any teaching around sex that does not emphasize MUTUAL, INTIMATE, PLEASURABLE FOR BOTH is not of God. Instead of starting with bad takes on neuroscience, let’s start with what we know to be true about what God made sex for.
Then let’s ask: What’s getting in the way of that? We should all have healthy sex drives. Our drive should be for intimacy, not just release. When those things aren’t present, we need to start digging and asking why, rather than just lecturing women on how much men need sex or they will sin.
Men were not made to sin. Men are equally in the image of God as women. Men are not more evil than women. And women were made with sex drives, too–those drives have just been pushed under the surface because of our messaging.
What’s been done can be undone.
So let’s have THAT conversation. Let’s learn to awaken healthy sexuality in BOTH men and women, rather than spreading a false narrative about how our brains are made in a way that makes us different species.
That’s really the point of The Great Sex Rescue (if you haven’t read it yet, you need to).
Let’s stop spreading stereotypes that don’t work, and start looking for intimate, mutual, pleasurable sex for both spouses.I believe we can get there–and that’s why this month we’re going to look at sexual confidence: what it means, and how to get it. You may be surprised by what I suggest. Sexual confidence is far more about sexual acceptance of where you are and who you are than it is about feeling totally empowered. When we’re comfortable with ourselves, confidence can bloom. When we try to be something we’re not, we further cause shame.
So let’s embrace who you are, even if who you are has been heavily influenced by bad messaging! What’s been done can be undone. You don’t have to be angry at yourself. You don’t have to feel shame. You don’t have to feel hopeless.
Just be you–and the more “you” you are, the more you’ll find healing, growth, and confidence, because you’ll start where Jesus is, in the here and now. I’m looking forward to what He’s going to do for us this month!
As we get started on sexual confidence month, can I just say:
if you haven’t bought The Great Sex Rescue yet, you need to.I know so many of you read what I write everyday, and listen to the podcasts, so you feel like you’ve already gotten it all. And you have gotten A LOT. I provide a lot of content for free, and I’ll always keep it that way.
But you haven’t seen the charts. You haven’t heard the stories. There’s power to having it all explained all in one place. It’s a gut punch and it’s healing and freeing all at the same time!
Plus it’s a great encouragement to all of us if you pick it up–and tell others about it!
Order Now!
What do you think? Why do you think we’re so different? How does this conversation need to change? And if you’ve read The Great Sex Rescue, leave a comment and tell why the book is different from reading the blog!
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts Top 10 Marriage and Sex Red Flags You Must Never IgnoreSep 28, 2021 | 29 Comments
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