Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 24

How Our Son’s Death Affected Our Daughter

Tomorrow will be the 25th anniversary of my son Christopher’s death.

Every year I like to write something about grief and honor him in some way, even if just to mention him or remember. I honestly am okay, I just get sad around this time of year.

My oldest daughter Rebecca and I were talking on a walk this week, and she said something to me that I had never really understood before.

We were talking about anxiety, and she laughed and said something like,

 

Oh, I had all the developmental trust and attachment stuff down because that happened before 18 months, but then the things you’re supposed to learn the next year I’ve always struggled with.

Babies and children go through different developmental stages where they learn about the world and their own autonomy.

When babies are first born, they don’t even realize that the world is separate from them. They think Mommy is part of “me”–though they don’t really have a concept of “me”. As they grow, they begin to differentiate themselves from their parents and from others and learn their place in the world.

In infancy, babies are learning basic “trust vs mistrust”, or whether or not I will get my needs met when I call. Can I rely on others to care about me and care for me? (That’s one reason, by the way, that it’s very important not to spank babies, even though many Christian books advocate it. And it’s wise to consider the research into spanking overall).

In toddlerhood, they turn to autonomy vs. shame and doubt. They want to do things more independently (like choose their food or clothing). They’re learning to do things on their own.

They’re asking, “can I do things for myself?” They’re trying to figure out whether they have control over the world around them.

Just as Rebecca was entering this stage, her brother was born.

 

 

Here we were in the nursery at Women’s College Hospital in Toronto, before he was transferred to the Hospital for Sick Children for surgery.

We used to visit him in the hospital several times a day and just hold him, even though he wasn’t awake very much. His poor little heart was so underdeveloped it took tremendous energy to pump it, and he was tired all the time.

We were hoping we could avoid surgery until he was bigger, but he kept losing weight, and eventually we had no choice.

That was my son the night before his surgery. He lived for four days post-op before he passed away.

I tried to do outings with Rebecca “like usual” as much as I could while Christopher was in the hospital.

We made sure one of us was always there to do her bedtime routine and her breakfast like usual. We tried to keep things normal, but of course nothing was normal. And emotionally we were a mess.

I remember the day of the funeral she just cried and cried, even though nothing was really wrong for her. She was playing in the church nursery, like usual, with people that she liked. But she could just sense that everyone around her was so sad, and she had no idea why. She didn’t know what was happening.

So right as she’s trying to learn to be independent and asking whether she has control over her environment, all of this happens. Little 18 month old Rebecca is learning whether or not the world is safe for her to exert her independence and learning how to control her emotions, and her baby brother dies. Mommy and Daddy are distraught, and Nana is distraught, and everyone seems weird and sad.

I assumed that this would fade into the background of Rebecca’s memory.

She was only 19 months old when he died, after all.

But a year later, Katie was born. Keith took Rebecca to the hospital to visit us twice before it was time to come home. And on the day we were bringing Katie home, Rebecca was so confused. She asked, “The baby is coming to our house?”

It wasn’t just a normal big sister question–“you mean that thing is going to displace me?” No, she thought the baby was going to stay at the hospital, because she remembered the other baby staying at the hospital and never coming home, even though it had been a year earlier.

Rebecca’s always had more anxiety than most of our family.

(She knows I’m writing this by the way and has no problem talking about it. She may even talk about it on a podcast soon!). But her anxiety is often focused on just feeling paralyzed and feeling unable to make a decision. She laughs that she’s stuck at 18 months.

The other developmental stages she sailed through, and she’s actually quite a well-rounded person. But that one basic question: “Can I control my environment and take initiative?” is one she tends to have trouble with.

Why am I telling you this today? Because sometimes stuff happens and it affects us and it isn’t our fault.

Looking back on those days after Christopher died, I was a mess, but I still fed Rebecca and hugged her and gave her baths. We really did the best we could do, and objectively we did pretty well. But we were still grieving, and she knew that. She just couldn’t understand why. And it coloured how she grew up.

She’s had a few more challenges than the rest of us in emotional regulation. She likely would have had a lot of that anyway–that’s also her personality–but this definitely gave her more challenges.

But it wasn’t her fault.

Sometimes life just happens. Some people are going to have more to deal with than others. Or some people are going to have one particular “thorn in the flesh” that’s just hard. This is a broken world.

And I guess I wanted to tell you all that today. Sometimes our kids have things that affect them, and we wish that they didn’t, but we couldn’t do anything about it.

That’s when we need to give ourselves grace. I couldn’t have not grieved in those days. I was barely hanging on. I did the best I could. Keith did the best he could. We all did the best we could, and we’re still doing that. Sometimes our best means that things still aren’t perfect.

But that’s part of life, and life is messy.

And into that messiness, Jesus chose to come. He lived it. He understands it. And He doesn’t expect us to do anything more than we can do.

(our family last year at Christopher’s grave)

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts DIRECT COMMUNICATION WRAP-UP: Can You Have That Conversation You’ve Been Putting Off?

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The post How Our Son’s Death Affected Our Daughter appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

PODCAST: Are We Making Marriage Harder Than it Needs to Be?

Are we making marriage too hard?

It’s September, and that means a new series on the blog (and on the podcast!). This month we’re going to be talking about marriage on hard mode–or rather how to AVOID hard mode in your marriage!

And we thought we’d begin with the philosophical question: are we making marriage harder than it needs to be with the way that we talk about it?

Plus we’ve got Bruce Fleming back by popular demand to talk about Ephesians 5!

Listen to the Podcast Here

Browse all the Different Podcasts

See the Last “Start Your Engines” (Men’s) Podcast

Or, as always, you can watch on YouTube:

 

Timeline of the Podcast

2:00 The ‘philosophy’ of marriage being hard
16:00 How we can condition ourselves like toddlers
22:40 Why Rebecca loves wedding sermons
27:35 Research on women’s beliefs vs health
34:00 Bruce joins us to discuss Ephesians 5
56:45 Finishing up with encouragement!

 

Main Segment: Why Do We Make it Sound Like Marriage is Always Hard?

Rebecca and I were discussing this comment I made on Facebook–and what happens when we give the impression that marriage is a hard slog. 

I sometimes wonder if most Christian marriage authors & influencers have good marriages.

Just read a meme re: marriage that said: “God, I can’t do this alone. I need your help & grace.”

What if marriage IS God’s grace to you–or at least what if it should be?

I know many marriages are hard, and many marriages can’t be saved. And many of us go through difficult seasons. But when those who teach about marriage make it sound like being married is a huge hard slog that they can’t get through without God’s grace–well, that’s WEIRD, isn’t it?

My marriage makes my life easier. There has never been a day in my life, even when I’m mad at Keith, when I would have thought that marriage is one of the hardest things in my life. Maybe the problem is that we talk about marriage as if it is hard, and then, when people are dating and the relationship is awful, they figure “that’s just how marriage is.” They don’t recognize red flags, and so they marry someone they don’t suit or who has bad character. And then, yes, marriage is hard.

But ideally, marriage should be God’s gift to us, not something that we need His power to get through. Am I missing something?

UPDATE: And let me also say, if your marriage IS really hard, I’m afraid that the idea that “marriage is hard” will mean that you may not recognize that your situation IS actually worse than normal and you do need help. If all marriage is hard, then you may think what you’re going through is just par for the course, and just something to be endured. Or, when you talk to others, they may downplay your pain because “all marriage is hard.” No, marriage shouldn’t ideally be hard, and if it is, that means you need help to make it better. Hard isn’t just something to be endured because it’s inevitable.

Sheila

On Facebook

We looked at how telling everyone that marriage is hard may cause people to ignore red flags, and how our solution to marriage problems is often to tell people to get rid of their expectations that it will be good.

If you don’t expect it to be good, you can’t be disappointed.

But what if this is off? We talk about what to expect in the next month as we launch into our “Stop Doing Marriage on Hard Mode” series!

Win a copy of The Orgasm Course!

We’re giving away ONE copy of the Orgasm Course to someone who signs up to our email list this week–and ONE to someone who is already signed up.

Join our list! New Research: Religion only makes women healthier IF they’re in churches with women in leadership

Interesting study that Dr. Camden shared–For men, the health benefits are the same in whatever church they go to. But for women, the health benefits of going to church and being religious disappear if they’re in churches where women aren’t in leadership.

Bruce Fleming Joins to Talk about Ephesians 5!

I had so many people asking me to have Bruce back on after his stint on the podcast talking about Genesis 3, so here he is talking about Ephesians 5! Bruce told me, “A number of your listeners and viewers have been contacting me with touching testimonies. “So wonderful to have that curse of Eve lifted off my shoulders” and the like. A real encouragement to Joy and me!”

Check out more of Bruce’s podcast and work on Ephesians 5.

The Great Sex RescueChanging the conversation about sex & marriage in the evangelical church. What if you're NOT the problem with your sex life?

What if the things that you've been taught have messed things up--and what if there's a way to escape these messages?

Welcome to the Great Sex Rescue. Order Now! Things Mentioned in This Podcast:Sign up to my emails to be entered in a draw to win The Orgasm Course (or our puberty course to share with your kids!)Support our research on Patreon for as little as $3 a month!Bruce Fleming’s Tru316 project, his Eden podcast, and the episode that goes along with what he was talking about todayCynthia Westfall’s interview on our podcast about a different aspect of Ephesians 5Dr. Camden’s original article about the research on the health effects of churchesThe American Sociological Association’s journal article on when religion hurts

 

What do you think? What expectations should we give about marriage? What do you think about Ephesians 5? Let’s talk in the comments!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts 14 Tips for Safe–and Successful–Online Christian Dating!

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The Problem with How Children’s Bibles Mess Up the Story of Adam and Eve

Joanna, who is the mom of two littles, has had a pet peeve for years about how baby Bibles and kids’ Bibles mess up the story of Adam and Eve. 

I asked on Facebook last week for some pictures of how your baby/children’s Bible handled the story, and HUNDREDS of you sent in pictures. Wow! (And click through to see all the pictures in the comments.)

But before we take a look, let’s re-read the Genesis account:

Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals the Lord God had made. He said to the woman, “Did God really say, ‘You must not eat from any tree in the garden’?”

The woman said to the serpent, “We may eat fruit from the trees in the garden, but God did say, ‘You must not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden, and you must not touch it, or you will die.’”

“You will not certainly die,” the serpent said to the woman. “For God knows that when you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.”

When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it.

Genesis 3:1-6

See that little bit that we highlighted? Adam was there the whole time. The Hebrew tense is that this happened all at once. It’s not like she ate it, and then Adam showed up and didn’t realize what was going on. He was fully culpable. And as the serpent is talking, he is using the plural form of the word for “you”–something more obvious in other languages, and why the same mistake is not as often made in children’s Bibles in other languages.

But throughout history, the fact that Adam was there is conveniently forgotten. In the epic poem Paradise Lost by Milton, Eve is depicted on her own. And our understanding of the fall is more influenced by Paradise Lost, it seems, than by the actual biblical account. Here’s how Emerson Eggerichs mistakenly describes the scene in Love & Respect:

 

But when the serpent found Eve alone and tempted her with, in essence, the subtle question, “Did God really say that?” she couldn’t resist. The fruit on that tree looked delightful, and it was guaranteed to make her wise. Totally deceived, Eve ate some of the fruit. Then Adam came up (or perhaps she went and found him). Eve gave Adam some of the fruit, and he ate as well (see Genesis 3:1–6). Emerson Eggerichs

Love & Respect

Note how he implies that Adam wasn’t with Eve–even though Scripture reports he  was.

Now let’s see how our children are being taught this story.

There were so many pictures of Bibles left on the Facebook Page I don’t have time to put them all in a spreadsheet and look at which ones are bestsellers or anything. I’m just going to pick the first 15 that are the nicest pictures that I can find.

We’ll start with Phil Vischer’s Laugh and Learn Bible for Kids, which did it well!

 

They’re both there–and bonus! Not everyone is white. Now let’s move on:

The Beginner’s Bible

Here’s a really popular toddler/kids’ Bible:

Note how Eve is alone and she goes to a different place to give it to Adam.

5 Minute Bible Stories

 

Here, Adam isn’t even depicted sinning–only getting tossed out of the garden with Eve.

The Brick Builders Illustrated Bible

 

See anyone missing?

The Little Girls’ Story Bible

 

This one had a multi-page spread with only Eve there, and it’s directed just at girls, too! 

The Family Time Bible

 

The Jesus Storybook Bible The Spark Story Bible

The graphic novels can be even worse–

The Action Bible

 

The Picture Bible

This one mimics Emerson Eggerichs when Eve actually goes looking for Adam and calls him over:

Focus on the Family One Sentence Storybooks

How does Focus on the Family portray it?

 

Even the Bearanstain Bears get in on it!

 

There are many, many more Bibles that do it wrong. I could have pasted dozens of more pictures, but I don’t want this page to load super slowly! Again, please look at the original Facebook post to get the fuller picture. 

Now, there are some baby Bibles or children’s Bibles that do it right–they’re just the exception.

I had to hunt through all the Facebook comments to find some, but here are a few:

The Bible App Storybook

 

Desmund Tutu’s Children of God

 

I Am: 40 Reasons to Trust God

 

They even did it better in the 1970s, with this Children’s Bible:

 

Why does how we teach kids about Adam and Eve and The Fall matter?

Well, what do you think is the result on both boys and girls growing up hearing that it was Eve who sinned, and sin came to the world through Eve? That everything was ultimately her fault? (Even though the New Testament blames it on Adam–see, for instance, Romans 5:12-19).

And this idea that Eve was ultimately to blame, and Adam wasn’t quite to blame (or his sin was simply failing to provide leadership to her or failing to be her head) has been the source of men claiming power over women for ages. See how Eggerichs frames his misrepresentation of the Genesis scene:

 

Adam had the insight to realize that he shouldn’t eat the fruit, but he went ahead and did so anyway. Was this the first case of a husband being led by his wife with a ring in his nose? Or did Adam simply not want to let Eve get ahead of him by having knowledge that he would not have? No one can say for sure. Paul sums it up in 1 Timothy 2:14 when he discusses the role of women in the church: “It was not Adam who was deceived, but the woman being deceived, fell into transgression.”

Apparently, Eve concluded that she knew far more about what was best for her and her husband, and she influenced him to follow her lead. Adam “listened to the voice of [his] wife” and was cursed (see Genesis 3:14–19).

Emerson Eggerichs

Love & Respect

Note the derogatory way in which Eggerichs refers to women, and characterizes them as trying to lead their husbands around by the nose.

In Eggerichs’ conception, too, Adam’s sin was not disobeying God. It was allowing Eve to lead him. Imagine the effect of that belief on a marriage–that is a sin to allow your wife to influence you! And, indeed, Eggerichs is arguing in his chapter that women need to listen to their husband’s intuition rather than to their own (aka, ignore the Holy Spirit in their lives), directly contravening 1 Timothy 2:5, which says: “For there is one God; there is also one mediator between God and humankind, Christ Jesus, himself human.”

Women are not supposed to elevate their husband’s voices over the Holy Spirit in their lives but Eggerichs is saying that Eve’s greatest sin was trying to lead Adam, and she must now listen to him and obey him and let him have authority, no matter what she may think.

I won’t argue all of this here; I merely want to show why how we depict Genesis 3 matters. For more on this, please see:

My submission seriesMarg Mowczko’s great work on what Eve being deceived meant, and on the significance of Eve not being aloneBruce Fleming on Genesis 3Can we please start telling the Bible story right, for all of our sakes? This would make a great research project, thesis, or academic paper!

If you’re in school and you’re looking for something to base a project on, or if you’re in academia and wanting to publish a paper, this might make a great subject!

And if you’d like to publish a paper, I’m sure Joanna would love to help and be a co-author.

Let’s talk about this more and then maybe publishers will start reflecting the actual Bible story!

Did you know that Adam was there the whole time? What does your baby/children’s Bible say? Let’s talk in the comments!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts BARE MARRIAGE PODCAST: Why Do Christian Books Make Men Sound So Fragile?

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The Most Fun FREE Book Study Ever–The Great Sex Rescue! (with video)

Did you know that we have a FREE video study that goes along with The Great Sex Rescue?

Be prepared for the most fun book study you’ll ever do with your friends! Learn what teachings have hurt sex and marriage for women–and then purge them from your Christian theology! Instead, we help you reframe these beliefs and replace them with what is truly biblical:

Mutual — Intimate — Pleasurable Sex!

You’ll get 8 videos that are perfect for either an online study or an in-person group. Each video is about 12-15 minutes long, summarizing the chapters and filled with interesting stories and stats.

Then we’ve got discussion questions so that you can process the new way of thinking about sex, and talk about how to deprogram yourself from anything toxic you grew up hearing.

 Did you read The Great Sex Rescue and love it?

Then share it with your friends–and help them find freedom!

Take me to the study!

It’s completely free, and all the videos and questions are right here.

We were originally hoping to film this in one of the lovely old churches in our hometown, but it was in the middle of the COVID lockdown, and for months nobody would let us in. But you know what? All the thoughts and points are still there! Even if we did get a little silly.

 

(Katie really wanted to make this blooper reel for us; I think it gave her something fun to do after all the editing!).

We’ve been hearing from so many people about how The Great Sex Rescue is changing marriages, and how pastors are using it in their churches.

Here’s one note that was shared on Instagram and Facebook:

I’m a pastor with executive responsibilities, serving at a non-denominational church in suburban Texas. Your book is sparking great conversation and revelation among the women and men of our congregation. I’m about to start a women’s group to go through it and one of our Elder couples used it as a pre-marital counseling tool for a young couple that just got married. It may indeed be grassroots before it catches fire, but let there be no doubt it is indeed fire!

Melissa M.

When people read The Great Sex Rescue, the most common words we hear are “freeing” and “validating”.

And also “at last”! At last someone is acknowledging that much of what women are taught about sex is harmful–and not even true! At last we can get back to a healthy view of sex that sets people free.

The lessons are divided up like this:

Introduction (short; for the leader)Week 1: What Is Sex?Week 2: Sex as Intimacy.Week 3: Sex Feels Good!Week 4: Gate-keeping.Week 5: Lust & PornographyWeek 6: Let’s Talk Libido!Week 7: “Duty Sex” Isn’t Sexy.Week 8: Unlocking Passion.

You don’t have to do anything. No sign-ups. No payments. It’s all just there for you to start whenever you want!

We just want to get the word out there, and with so many people asking how to share this with friends, we thought this was a no-brainer.

Take me to the study! (it's free!)

I hope you love the study and that it helps you introduce your friends to The Great Sex Rescue. And I’ll give the last word to a pastor who is using it with premarital counseling with couples. He wrote this on Instagram: 

The Great Sex Rescue by Sheila Wray Gregoire is important, essential reading and it’s about time someone wrote this book.

The Great Sex Rescue is based upon the results of a 20,000 woman research project that Gregoire and her team led. Those findings showed that many Christian women have been hurt and marriages destroyed by the harmful “‘sex advice’ offered in bestselling Christian sex and marriage books.” Gregoire then asks the question. “What if our evangelical ‘treatments’ for sex issues make things worse?”

What follows is an incredibly valuable unpacking of biblical truths that bring to light the lies and injustices often found in Christian marriages. Gregoire leaves no stone unturned while discussing porn, sexual dis-satisfaction, issues of consent within marriage, sexual pain and even erectile dysfunction. All the while quoting from actual Christian books that are saying the most horrific things. Throughout the book she has check-ins and Explore together sections that ask couples to discuss the findings in their own context.

I read this book together with Melissa and I’m so glad we did. Much of this is a reminder and yet Gregoire’s discoveries were also shocking, saddening and disappointing. We, in the church, have made a mess of marriages and it’s time we clean it up. Gregoire puts it like this, “The over arching principles in this book are nothing new. You likely learned them when you were four years old in Sunday school. Don’t do things that harm others. Do unto others as you would have them do you unto you. Care about people.”

Sheila Wray Gregoire and her band of researchers and truth tellers have written a ground breaking book that absolutely needs to be read. I highly recommend The Great Sex Rescue by Sheila Wray Gregoire to pastors, church leaders, marriage counsellors, youth pastors and anyone who works with couples. I will be giving a copy to every couple I marry from now on.

Chet Kennedy

on Instagram

That’s awesome! And I hope many more find freedom, too.

The Great Sex RescueChanging the conversation about sex & marriage in the evangelical church. What if you're NOT the problem with your sex life?

What if the things that you've been taught have messed things up--and what if there's a way to escape these messages?

Welcome to the Great Sex Rescue. Order Now! Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts 10 Quick Ideas for Words of Appreciation to Your Husband

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DIRECT COMMUNICATION WRAP-UP: Can You Have That Conversation You’ve Been Putting Off?

We’re at the end of our Direct Communication series, and I wanted to give you a final pep talk today!

This month we’ve looked at why direct communication can be hard, both in general and for men and women uniquely. We’ve looked at how it can feel mean, but isn’t. 

We’ve even looked at the 6 elements of direct communication: 

And a bunch more (the links are at the bottom of this post).

On Friday, in our weekly email, we’ll include a quick activity that you can do with your spouse to talk about these issues and walk through direct communication. 

So if you’re not on our email list, sign up!

Some quick thoughts about how to have better communication

Before we end the series, though, I want to emphasize a few things.

1. It’s so much easier to have hard conversations if you’re also relating to each other in good ways.

Yes, that means showing appreciation for your spouse. But it also means doing things together on a regular basis.

Find some hobbies to do together. Or my personal favourite: Do the high/low exercise everyday as a check-in.

What was the time you felt most in the groove today? What was the time you felt the most discouraged?

Talk this through with your husband. It helps you process your own feelings, but it also keeps you emotionally in-tune with each other. It’s then much easier to bring up things that you do need to talk about!

2. Hard conversations won’t just happen.

Have you ever waited for a good time to bring something up? Or waited for your spouse to notice that something needs to be talked about?

Part of direct communication is bringing things up when they need to be talked about, even if it can be awkward. If we wait too long, the thing often gets blown up bigger than it needs to be. And we also give time for bad habits to become ingrained.

Is there something that you need to talk about with your spouse? Make plans to tackle it. Put the kids in bed early. Don’t get on a screen tonight. Tell him earlier in the day, “I’d like to talk to you about something after the kids are in bed tonight.” Like just do it!

3. Sometimes you must insist on having those conversations.

If your spouse doesn’t want to talk about something, that doesn’t mean that you don’t talk about it. It’s okay to say,

I understand that this makes you uncomfortable and that you don’t want to talk about it. But we do need to talk about it. So if you won’t talk about it now, we will talk about it tomorrow. This is vitally important, and we are going to discuss it. 

And then be firm. Remember: If your spouse is running away from intimacy, they are sowing discord in the marriage. If they are sowing discord, they do not get to reap intimacy. It’s okay to stand firm. That doesn’t mean being mean, but it may mean being firm and saying: We aren’t going back to business as usual until we talk about this/see a counselor/whatever may be appropriate.”

But hopefully none of that will be necessary–because the more you spend time together; the more you do emotional check-ins with each other; the more you talk about things directly, then the easier it will hopefully be to deal with the big things!

One last thing, and this one’s super important: just because you may need to have that conversation does not mean that it all needs to be solved at once:

4. Give your spouse time to process

Many people (especially introverts) need time to think about something before they can respond. So while you may want them to listen to you raise an issue, you can’t expect them to figure out how they think about it or what they want to do about it right away. 

A reader left this thought, which is wonderful:

One suggestion I have that has been helpful in our communication, (and we went through a really rough patch of many years) is to give your spouse time to process. So, if you have something to talk about, you have been thinking about it and working it out on your own for a while and then you tell your spouse your thoughts. It’s not really fair to expect them to have a well thought out response and they may well be defensive.

We start such conversations with “I have something I want to tell you, please don’t interrupt and take time to think about it on your own. Let me know when you’re ready to talk within the next 3 days” And then make sure you follow up if they haven’t brought it up within the timeframe, but also give them the time and space to process.

Shari

For more help with these difficult situations, please see:

My Iron Sharpens Iron seriesMy MBTI Personality Series9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage Do You Have a Difficult Time Standing up to your Husband?

God wants us aiming for His will. That sometimes will mean that we need to confront our husbands when they’re doing something wrong.

Struggle with how to do that? Are boundaries a difficult concept for you? 9 Thoughts can help!

Take me to it! Some final words from you about direct communication:

The posts that got the most traction on social media were the ones this month looking at how the genders are discouraged from direct communication. 

Men, you’re allowed to have emotions and share them. God made you to be emotional. And you don’t need to run away from communication. You’re allowed to listen to your wife!

And women, I’ll just leave this here:

Did you have a big takeaway from our series this month? Let me know in the comments! And remember to sign up for our emails to get the direct communication activity this week!

The Direct Communication Series5 Reasons Direct Communication is Difficult6 Elements of Direct CommunicationWhy Direct Communication Feels Mean--and Why It's Not3 Reasons Christian Resources Tell Women Direct Communication is a Sin 5 Reasons Christian Teaching Discourages Men from Communicating DirectlyThe Direct Communication PodcastThe Real Solution to Nagging10 Tips to Talking to Your Spouse About Your Sex Life 10 Ways to Show Appreciation to Your SpouseHow to Have that Conversation You've Been Putting Off

And please see my book 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, with lots on having difficult conversations and resolving conflict!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts 10 Truths About Emotionally Destructive Marriages

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14 Tips for Safe–and Successful–Online Christian Dating!

So many people on this blog have found love through Christian online dating sites!

I’m always amazed when I ask on social media who met their spouses online. Hundreds respond!

And ever since I wrote The Great Sex Rescue, and began talking about how much the church hasn’t handled conversations about sex well, I’ve had more and more singles on the site, including those who have come out of destructive marriages and want to find healthy ones.

Since we’re talking about direct communication this month, I thought I’d turn to singles and look at how to encourage direct, honest and productive conversation in online dating! 

So today I thought I’d crowdshare the wisdom in this blog and write tips for safe online dating when you want to find a mate. I asked on Facebook for some tips, and the response was overwhelming. I’ll try to distill it down to several themes–and in most themes I’ve got several people’s feedback. So here we go!

Links to dating sites are affiliate links. When you sign up using my link, it helps support this blog (and I’m thankful for you for doing that!). 

Choosing who to get to know

Let’s start with how to attract the right kind of people, and how to figure out who to pursue:

1. Profile pics matter!

In this case it’s okay to judge a guy by his picture!

“A person’s profile picture says a lot about them. If his profile picture is of his car and not him, he might be materialistic. We don’t want to date a guy’s car. We want to date HIM. If he doesn’t have a shirt on. Worse, if he doesn’t have a shirt on and is flexing in a mirror at a gym. Good chance he’s narcissistic. “

“Does their profile have lots of ego-boosting pictures of their nice car, their awesome house, etc etc? Do they have to say “I love my kids to the moon and back!”? Because pretty sure most parents assume that you as a parent love your kids… Run.”

“No bare chest, muscle flexing, posing in a gym or with a fancy car, etc. Amazing how many Christian men’s pictures gave off a “full of self” or vain vibe.”

2. Make your profile very clear about what you want

Speaking of profiles, make sure you’re very explicit up front about what you want. It’s better to attract a fewer number who are serious and match you better than to attract a whole lot who won’t work at all.

” First and foremost make your profile clear about what you are looking for.”

“Be very upfront in your profile. I listed some polarizing public figures I liked at the time because I knew I would prefer a man who agreed with me on this. My intent was to scare away men who disagreed with me, to avoid wasting both our time.”

 

3. Let them see the real you.

“Leave your views out so you can get honest answers. Look for the same things you would in person. Talk a lot. Take your time. Pay attention to red flags. Look for someone with the same values as you. A lot of people you can tell just by their bio and pics that they are just app surfers. Do all the same things you would do if you met them out somewhere in person. And be true to yourself. You won’t find someone who will be a good match for you if you’re putting up a front. Someone who will be good for you will be interested in the real you.”

 

How to Get to Know Your Online Matches 4. Talk like crazy! And ask important questions.

“My husband and I met on eHarmony. One of the things that we did was email for about a month before meeting. We sent each other a list of questions and answered them back and forth. The topics were very specific around religion, marriage, family, work, goals. Because almost everything lined up we decided to meet.”

“He was a complete gentleman and brother in Christ in his speech and conversations with me while still making it clear he was getting to know me with serious intention of a future relationship. It wasn’t flippant or meaningless chatter, it was purposeful, but at the same time it wasn’t heavy or pressuring intimacy or filled with flirtation. So many others I talked to wanted to get straight to flirting or talking like we were in a relationship already. Sometimes that came across as flattering or fun but I always knew it wasn’t long term material for me, it was a big turn off in looking for a real relationship. So my husband was the perfect blend of honoring me with boundaries and yet serious intention!”

“I think our dating time (we met on eHarmony and lived two hours apart) being long distance was actually a benefit because we spent hours and hours on the phone each night. We did more talking in the first 3 months than some people do in a year of in person dating. Phone and video chats instead of texting/ messaging is a HUGE “must” in my opinion. Too much gets lost in text as opposed to vocal inflection and facial expressions.”

5. If you think it’s promising, meet in person as soon as possible.

This was likely the #1 thing mentioned!

“We met at a coffee shop almost immediately. The few times I “dated” people online for long periods of time, it was basically worthless. I thought I was hitting it off with them and they seemed like they had good character. When I met them, I automatically knew that it was all a façade. When I met my now-husband we knew immediately there was something there. There is something about intuition and chemistry that you can’t get online.”

“Cut out the small talk and get out and meet them face-to-face. A lot of people hide behind the phones computer screens and aren’t authentic. You can tell a lot about somebody with natural chemistry when you meet them and get to know them face to face. One or two dates and you’ll be able to tell if you would like to see them again.”

“Met my husband on eharmony. I’m a big fan of meeting up in person (in a safe way of course) as soon as possible, and then also meeting their family, friends, community, as soon as possible. He took me to his bible study house group the day we made our relationship offical.”

“Meeting online is great. Dating online is not. Totally different. Once you MEET someone online that you think you like, get it in person ASAP so that you can actually get to know them. I met my husband on Eharmony almost 11 years ago, we met in-person pretty quickly, and were married 10 months later.”

“Get to know the person but don’t wait too long to meet in person because that gives you a more clear picture of the person and always meet in public and let someone know what you’re doing the first time.”

” I usually tried to use chat features as much as possible for usually a month or so to see how conversation would flow and if I wanted to meet them but in the end I really couldn’t tell until I met the person in person. I would usually choose public places like Tim Horton’s or something for a first time meeting. It was casual and didn’t include alcohol. “

Some, however, disagreed:

“I’m going to disagree with the women who say to meet ASAP. We emailed for a month (so I could get all my questions answered), then spoke on the phone for a month (some of this was due to my travel schedule for work), then met in person – in public. That way I felt I knew the person a bit before meeting them.”

So many women recommended eHarmony!

“eharmony does a great job off starting off with questions about key values and stuff, compared to some other dating apps.”

“I only used eharmony at the time (15 years ago) because you had to pay for the service. I quickly learned that that correlated to seriousness of the dating partner (seriousness, meaning earnestness in seeking a marriage partner).”

“I tried a few sites but felt that eharmony weeded out a lot of what felt like random communication.” – J.S.

“eHarmony questionnaire of 500 questions narrowed to the 29 dimensions of compatibility was tremendously helpful. Met my wife on that service in 2003, and we married in 2005.” – T.W.

Take me there! Things to Watch Out for with Online Dating

When you’re online dating, more comes into play than when you’re dating in person. So some advice for the process of online dating itself!

6. Prioritize your safety

“I only communicated by text to begin with so I had a written record of everything said. I would ask questions about background and then later look up info to see if I could verify anything. Amazing what you can find online. I would ask things like what high school and then what his favorite stores, restaurants, activities were in high school. Many of those locations are easily verified. Then when I felt comfortable I would start talking to them by phone. I didn’t tell them my last name, address, or employer to maintain some safe distance. As our conversations continued I would still try to verify info that they gave me. After a while it would be difficult to continue to weave a false history.”

 “Drive to meet them during the day at a crowded coffee shop … and let a friend know where you are. Have them call during the date and use it as an excuse to leave if it’s not going well or if you get the wrong vibe.”

7. Understand the new rules around online dating

Is someone stringing you along? Is it wrong to “see” three people at a time?

“The same behavior that might be considered wrong/ bad character in the pre-online dating world/ by organic meeting standards can be perfectly acceptable and make reasonable sense with online dating.For example, the volume and constant flow of brief contact –> chatting online–> talking on the phone –> meeting once –> meeting twice… also has to be scheduled and matched around real life availability (including custody– some people only have every other weekend made available for dating at first) which is a slow, stationary thing within a constantly flowing process. While someone going on dates with multiple people in a weekend… or going on a third date, while still arranging a first date with someone else, while still online chatting with a third… might have been “player” behavior pre-online or even “cheating”, it’s totally normal in the new realities. But people are still really different in how they view what’s appropriate and acceptable to be exclusive and shut down the whole process and online account, so best to be really open and upfront about where you’re coming from and what you expect before making that a judgment of character.”

“Physical attraction and chemistry is important, but a friendship is extremely essential. I always say things like “when I’m comfortable to meet you in person I will”, and I second it with “I have other friendships I’m also pursuing in the meantime, I hope you understand I am truly looking for someone that I can like talking to first.”

 

8. Meeting lots of duds teaches you what you want

Most people online dating go through lots of potentials before they meet someone they click with. Just because you reject or discard many people doesn’t mean that this isn’t working for you. You’re just learning!

One friend of Rebecca’s decided to treat online dating like a part-time job. She decided that lots of people worked a full-time job and a part-time job of 8 hours a week. So every week she would spend 8 hours dating. And she went out with several people a week for almost a year. She’s been married for a few years now and handed down some baby clothes to Rebecca! But she knew that she wanted to be married, and it wasn’t happening, and so she decided to prioritize it and not get discouraged.

“You gotta wade through a loooooootttttt of really awful ones before you find the one”

“I recommend spending a lot of time just talking. Develop a friendship and don’t let yourself fall too hard too fast, because some people misrepresent themselves. “

“Decide ahead of time how long you will take to move a man from stage to stage all the way to exclusivity and commitment. Stages include letting someone from your life meet and vet him. Know what the requirements will be and how you will decide. Think of it as a series of job interviews leading to a job.”

“Next, no inappropriate conversational gambits– these appear surprisingly early; they don’t make a secret of them and apparently don’t have the self control to wait for the 3rd or fourth convo to bring them up. Inappropriate for me included any questions about underwear, sexual preference questions or anything that made me feel the slightest bit uncomfortable– I owe no man any debt but that of kindness. I don’t even have to explain why I’m no longer available to chat, a simple “Thank you for chatting with me. I don’t sense a connection/congruency, and I wish you the best in your search.”

“One thing that was incredibly jarring for me when I first joined eharmony was that it took significantly longer to actually meet someone in person than I thought it would. I had super high expectations that I would meet someone quickly so when that didn’t happen I was super disappointed. For me, first joining felt like I was suddenly online shopping when I was all of a sudden matched with a bunch of people. I messaged quite a few, very few messaged me back. I went in thinking I’d meet someone quickly, and what I discovered was that the vast majority of profiles I was seeing were inactive. So that was frustrating, but also forced me to be more patient than I thought I’d have to be. It was about 5 months from the time I joined to the time I met my husband. Then another five months until we officially started dating. Then married 2.5 years after that.”

 

How to Be Discerning When You’re Dating Online

So once you’ve found someone you want to get to know better, how do you do it? Here’s what my readers said!

9. Recruit your community!

“When I met him I had my cousin and fiance come because you can never be to careful. In person he was the same as online. He never said or did anything different than what he said online. When I asked him uncomfortable questions about his past he was always honest with me. He lived about 4 hours away so when I went up to see him I would stay with one of his friends that were female. So I got a good idea from his friends of who he was as well. You just have to be very careful and thorough when meeting someone online. We have been married almost 9 years.” (met on eHarmony)

“I met my abuser in person, and my godly loving husband online. With my abuser, I ignored yellow/red flags and didn’t invite my trusted circle to scrutinize him. With my sweet husband, we invited community in right away. He had to meet my pastor, father, small group, etc. on his first visit to meet me (I was in Wisconsin, and he was from New Jersey). He had to put up with tough questions and protective friends. The next time we met in person, I went to visit him and met his community. In all cases, I watched/listened closely for how he treated me as well as others.”

“It is also important to meet his friends and family and attend his church. Does he have good stable relationships? Is his church a place you would be comfortable going to? Do other people affirm his character and his beliefs?”

“I met in person quickly, my friend did a background check on him. I introduced him to my friends and started attending his church pretty quickly. (You can tell a lot about who he hangs around with.)”

 

10. Don’t take their word they’re a Christian. Probe!

Many guys online are not actually Christian, even if they say they are, nor are they necessarily looking for marriage. As one woman wrote, “A friend of mine met her husband through e-Harmony and all went well. Prior to that, she found that even though she specified looking for a serious relationship, many men she met on line either wanted one-night-stands or to have sex while still getting to know each other, even Christian men.”

So what should you do?

“Ask them straight up. This works really well: “I noticed that you marked yourself as a Christian on your profile. What does “being Christian mean to you?” Or you can ask them what they’re reading in the Bible lately. “

“Once conversation was initiated, I dove right in to asking about their relationship with God. And “I grew up in church” was not what I was satisfied with. Better be deeper than that. I kinda took the approach…I don’t have time to waste on a relationship that doesn’t start with putting God first.”

“Check out what they have posted online before you started talking. Public posts are just that PUBLIC. It’s not creepy or weird to see if they suddenly started posting Bible verses once you “met” but were only posting raunchy memes the week before. After you do, tell them what you did. See how they react. If they are upset or offended, there’s a reason.”

“I also would often ask them to pray with me over the phone. This allowed me to see how comfortable they were with prayer. “

11. Demand transparency. And check up on them too!

“I met my husband on christian cafe. I looked for complete honesty, transparency and humility. It’s so easy to pretend to be someone you aren’t online. I didn’t ask him to but he took the passcode off of his phone so that if I felt the need to “check” I could and also went through all of his female Facebook friends with me to tell me who they were. He knew I needed to trust him. Also, I did criminal background checks and checked for marriage/divorce license online on anyone I met in person.”

“Once we got to a phone relationship and I still didn’t hear any red flags, but could see evidence of him having a personal, daily relationship with the Lord, I Facebook friended him. I scoured his page. I read his comments. I read others’ comments. I got a feel for his family. I basically investigated him very thoroughly! I needed to know that he was healthy.”

12. Is he putting in the effort, too?

Does he text you as well? Is he pursuing you? You can’t carry the relationship yourself, and someone who is serious about you and serious about marriage will put in the effort.

“He also wrote me a lot, both in steady frequency instead of just fading away like many others, and in detail, working hard to show his heart. (Which was a huge challenge for him as writing doesn’t come easily at all, something I didn’t know at the time). Most other encounters I had were guys who were lazy about writing… choppy sentences, sloppy spelling, as little detail as possible and just wanting to get to the fun, flirting part.”

 

13. Does he honor your boundaries?

One of the big things women said was so important was finding someone who abided by the boundaries that had been communicated.

“One of my biggest ‘rules’ was no contact after 9pm. Very early in each new conversation I would share with the guy that I would not do any texting, messaging, phone calls etc after 9. I didn’t tell them the why – it was partially just cause it’s good for my brain to have a break, and partly cause it’s a super simple rule to see if a guy respected me and my boundaries. A lot didn’t, many would keep pushing to stay chatting or say the only time they could talk was after nine. It might sound petty, but it was a deal breaker for me. My boyfriend respected the rule, would keep an eye on the clock when we were on the phone in the evenings to make sure he said good night before nine. More than once he cut off a story cause he knew it would go long and he was already guarding me and my time. The respect and care he showed in those very simple acts were how and why I started trusting him and was comfortable starting a relationship.”

“Disagree with him on something. How does he act when you disagree? Does he become a snobby know it all and insist his opinion/viewpoint is the correct one? Or does he consider your views, even if he doesn’t agree with them? 7th, but most importantly. Does he respect your boundaries? Try putting up a boundary or telling him no over something. Does he throw a temper tantrum? Does he try to convince you to violate your boundaries? Or does he respect them?”

“I had one guy spend several emails telling me why I shouldn’t have pornography on my “Can’t Stands” list! You don’t have to like my restrictions, but I do ask that you respect them – and respect me!”

“Do the inner work to be comfortable setting boundaries gracefully. If you’re still experiencing anxiety and have difficulty saying “no”, if you fear conflict and disappointing others etc etc, you need to do that work first.”

14. Trust your gut.

Finally, trust yourself.

“If something is making you feel ill at ease, especially to the point you have to ask someone for advice, then listen to that.”

“And trust your instincts. If something feels off, LISTEN TO YOURSELF. You do NOT need to have any more reason to not match with someone or to break things off. TRUST YOUR GUT.”

“In general, trust your gut. If someone gives you a bad vibe, stop the conversation. Sometimes bowing out gracefully is good, other times straight up blocking is necessary. Once I had been talking with a guy for a couple of weeks when the topic of sex came up and I explained I was waiting for marriage and he replied, “We’ll see.” (Ya know, like a rapist.) I shut that down immediately. It was clear he didn’t have respect for personal boundaries. You are worth more than dealing with creeps/jerks.”

So many of my readers, apparently, have met their spouses through online dating!

And so many actually say they found it helpful, because people were intentional from the start; you didn’t have to spend months flirting to see if they were interested; and you could have deep conversations right off the bat to weed people out. 

Talking and texting and FaceTiming helped people get to know each other faster, too!

It used to be that online dating was seen as something people did that was second best, but increasingly people are realizing it has some real benefits! So if you’re single, and you don’t want to be, maybe it’s time to put your toes in the water and create that profile!

One guy was SUPER eager to connect & felt creepy. I went with my gut & stayed away.

Guy #2 & I talked by phone. He seemed nice. Strong possibility! I stuck my foot in my mouth “being myself.” He never called again or answered my calls. We’re still LinkedIn today but that was a bust. I was out of practice.

Guy #3 had a corny profile in a very old profile picture. I connected with him anyway because I just had a feeling. He called and left a voice message, and I just knew. Our first phone call lasted three hours. Our first date was amazing. By our second day I was his girlfriend. We’ve been married for all these years.

For me, the key distinction outside of chemistry was that my husband was all about God & wanting a Godly marriage & family. Those other guys were about dating.

When I decided to take a stab at online dating, my now husband sent me a message. I had missed him in the scrolling through photos because he had a beard and for whatever reason, I was scrolling past dudes with beards.

His message was short, to the point, respectful. It prompted me to go to his profile which showed he seemed to match up with what I was looking for

We met for coffee and I feel really bad that I judged his beard! I can’t believe I was going to pass him by based on that! He was kind, warm, engaging, and I found I really didnt want coffee to end. We hugged good-bye and I found I really wanted to hug him more.

I knew I had done some internal healing work and was satisfied with my life as it was, fully happy all on my own, I could date objectively with the knowledge that I didn’t live in an 18 year abusive marriage to never experience a beautiful love. And that’s what I have now. 

Also….there’s a great YouTube video on this subject? “How I Hacked Online Dating.” I did watch that and amend my profile after watching. All the best to those deciding to dip their toes in the water!

Have you tried online different dating sites?  eHarmony Christian Mingle Christian Cafe Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts 10 Tips for Talking with Your Husband About Your Sex Life

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BARE MARRIAGE PODCAST: Why Do Christian Books Make Men Sound So Fragile?

It’s time for our Start Your Engines podcast, and today we’re asking if Christian resources are causing male fragility–or at least making male fragility sound widespread.

Our belief is that men and women are equally made in the image of God, and one is not closer to God than the other. But with the way many Christian resources talk about men, they need women to coddle them and do the hard emotional work of keeping the family together, because men can’t handle that.

That’s insulting to men. All too often it’s dangerous to women. And it’s simply not true.

So let’s jump in!

Listen to the podcast

Browse all episodes of Bare Marriage

Listen to the last women’s podcast

Or, as always, you can watch on YouTube!

 

Timeline of the Podcast

0:45 Announcements
2:00 Discussion on Direct Communication
5:15 Why do our resources make men sound so fragile?!
20:00 What about communication between teens and unmarried men and women?
25:30 How direct communication helped Connor
34:50 Direct communication when it comes to sex
43:25 A Reader Question with Michael John Cusick

Main Segment: Why Do Christian Resources Ignore Direct Communication?

Keith and Connor came on with me today to look at how Christian resources tell women to communicate with men–or rather how not to communicate with them!

We started with the classic quote from John Piper and Wayne Grudem about how women should be careful how they give directions to men who are lost, lest they usurp mature feminity and masculinity: 

it is simply impossible that from time to time a woman not be put in a position of influencing or guiding men. For example, a housewife in her backyard may be asked by a man how to get to the freeway. At that point she is giving a kind of leadership. She has superior knowledge that the man needs and he submits himself to her guidance. But we all know that there is a way for that housewife to direct the man in which neither of them feels their mature femininity or masculinity compromised. It is not a contradiction to speak of certain kinds of influence coming from women to men in ways that affirm the responsibility of men to provide a pattern of strength and initiative. John Piper and Wayne Grudem

Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood

We went on to show how this attitude is prevalent in other Christian resources, and I read a number of quotes to the guys and wanted their reactions.

And they both agreed that this was horrendously insulting to men, and that the goal should be intimacy and mutual respect. Real men can handle strong women.

Things got dicey when I started reading quotes about teenage girls being responsible for boys’ anger–neither of them liked that very much! And we all concluded: Can’t we please do better at this? Because we’re making this way more complicated than it needs to be. Let’s just treat each other as people.

And we ended the segment with the big question: Why do Christian resources do this? Why do they make men sound so weak? Do they even realize they’re doing this? Because it’s just so weird and I don’t get it.

New Research: Cognitive Labor is being identified in the literature!

I shared with the guys some new research from the American Sociological Review looking at cognitive labor–what we’ve called mental load.

The data demonstrate that cognitive labor entails anticipating needs, identifying options for filling them, making decisions, and monitoring progress. Because such work is taxing but often invisible to both cognitive laborers and their partners, it is a frequent source of conflict for couples. Cognitive labor is also a gendered phenomenon: women in this study do more cognitive labor overall and more of the anticipation and monitoring work in particular. 

The Cognitive Dimension of Household Labor

The American Sociological Review

This confirmed a lot about what the guys talked about in the last Start Your Engines podcast–and that men are quite capable of doing this cognitive labor, too, and it vastly improves marriages.

False Teaching of the Week: Men are More Fragile than Women

No, they aren’t. Equally made in the image of God! Equally have the Holy Spirit.

Reader Question: How do I get my sex addicted husband out of denial?

I asked licensed counselor Michael John Cusick onto the podcast to talk about how to help your husband see that sex addiction is a serious thing that needs to be dealt with.

Things Mentioned in This Podcast:

 

Subscribe to our email list to be eligible for our next drawing for The Orgasm Course!Our amazing sponsor Brett Ullman and his book Parenting: Navigating EverythingSupport our research and join our Patreon for as little as $3 a month!Check out The Great Sex Rescue and our scorecard of some of these problematic booksMichael John Cusick’s book Surfing for God, and his podcast Restoring the SoulThe Direct Communication series, and the posts on why it can be hard for men and womenThe research on cognitive labor

Why do you think so many Christian books talk about men like they’re so fragile? How can we change this conversation? Let’s talk in the comments!

The Direct Communication Series5 Reasons Direct Communication is Difficult6 Elements of Direct CommunicationWhy Direct Communication Feels Mean--and Why It's Not3 Reasons Christian Resources Tell Women Direct Communication is a Sin 5 Reasons Christian Teaching Discourages Men from Communicating DirectlyThe Direct Communication PodcastThe Real Solution to Nagging10 Tips to Talking to Your Spouse About Your Sex Life How to Handle a Spouse's Negative Reactions to Direct Communication (coming soon)10 Tips to Having that Difficult Conversation You've Been Putting Off (coming soon)

And please see my book 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, with lots on having difficult conversations and resolving conflict!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts Christian Parenting Should Involve More than Influencing Your Kids’ Faith Walk

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The post BARE MARRIAGE PODCAST: Why Do Christian Books Make Men Sound So Fragile? appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

10 Quick Ideas for Words of Appreciation to Your Husband

Does your husband know that you appreciate him?

Or have you ever thought, “Do I appreciate my husband?” We’ve been talking this month about direct communication, and we’ve looked at why direct communication can be difficult (and even why it’s difficult specifically for women and men); what the elements of direct communication are; and so much more.

We’ve been focusing mostly on how to talk to your spouse when you have an issue that’s bothering you.

Today, though, I’d like to take this from a different vantage point and ask, “do you directly communicate how much your love and appreciate your mate?”

Let’s talk John Gottman’s 5:1 ratio rule or positive to negative interactions

John Gottman runs a marriage institute out of the University of Washington where they’ve been studying couples and observing couples for decades. And they’ve pinpointed what behaviours make a marriage thrive, and what behaviours can cause a marriage to tank.

Here’s what’s important to understand: They didn’t find that conflict was the problem. Healthy couples have just as much conflict as unhealthy couples. The difference is not in whether or not there’s conflict; the difference is in how you handle the conflict and in how you treat each other outside of the conflict. Do you appreciate your spouse? Do you try to connect with your spouse and know your spouse? Do you show love?

When we do the positive things to build our relationship, then the “negative” things, like conflict, don’t hurt us as much.

And what he found was that you need 5 positive interactions on the whole for every 1 negative one, if you’re going to have a really happy marriage. In marriages that divorce, the ratio is about 1:1. So it’s not that they don’t have positive interactions–it’s just that they don’t have enough of them.

Positive interactions are like habits that turn us towards our spouses.

Gottman asserts that in good marriages, spouses are constantly scanning for “bids to connect”–when your spouse is trying to connect with you. Good spouses look for those moments and use them.

So when your spouse turns towards you, you turn towards themWhen they walk in the room, you move towards themWhen they start a conversation, you ask probing questions to keep the conversation goingWhen they reach out a hand, you reach one back

When your spouse is turning towards you (a “bid to connect”), you follow-up on that bid.

Now, let’s take it one step further: In successful marriages, spouses scan for things to appreciate about their mate.

In successful marriages, a wife is saying, “How can I show I appreciate my husband?”

I actually wrote about this in my book 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage:

About 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage

Catch Him Doing Good.

My friend Sharol Josephson is co-director of FamilyLife Canada, and we speak frequently together at conferences. In her parenting talk, she relates how she learned early on with her sons that if she wanted to mold their behavior to look like Jesus, she had to be proactive. Sharol deliberately started looking for anything they did that was praiseworthy, and then she’d point it out to them. “I noticed that you saw when your teammate felt left out and you went over and included him in the conversation. That made me so proud of you.” Or perhaps, “I noticed that you didn’t let yourself get riled up when your brother was poking you today, but you just went quietly to your room. You’re learning well how to avoid getting angry.” Sharol noticed the things they did well and then spoke them out loud. And her boys thrived.

That got me thinking about marriage. What if we made it a habit to catch our husbands doing good?

If you want a healthy way to show you appreciate your mate, please see 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage. 

Whatever we focus on expands.

If you are focused on all the ways that your spouse lets you down, you will see those things. But if you start scanning for things to praise in your spouse, you will start noticing those things, too!

Please note what I am not saying: I am not saying that you don’t bring up the things that bother you.

Not at all! But when you can appreciate your husband for the things he does right, it actually makes the conversations about the things that you want changed much easier. 

First, you go into those more difficult conversations with appreciate for your spouse in your mind as well. You know that you don’t want to destroy the relationship or punish him; you simply want to build intimacy. And building intimacy means addressing the things in your relationship that are taking away from intimacy.

And second, your husband (or wife) knows that you appreciate them, and so it’s easier to hear about the things that do need to change.

Again, if you’re dealing with an emotionally destructive marriage, then that is in a different category, and please read yesterday’s post. But quite often we’ve simply gotten into negative relationship dynamics where that ratio isn’t 5:1 but is more like 3:1 or 2:1 and the relationship actually feels quite antagonistic (remember, 1:1 is divorce level). If we can change those dynamics, then it makes everything so much easier! Your tension level goes down. The relationship laughs more. You feel more affectionate and closer. And then it’s easier to talk about mental load; about sex; about finances; about kids; about anything!

Plus you get that gratitude to be married to your spouse again.

Often we get into these negative spirals when we see mostly the negative about our relationship.

It isn’t that the negative doesn’t matter or that it isn’t real; it’s just that it’s likely not the whole story. Practice scanning for things to praise, and you train yourself to see the rest of the story. And then you can deal with all of the issues in your marriage in a much healthier way.

Do you have a hard time asking for what you want?

You can change the dynamic in your marriage and make talking about your own needs easier!

If your marriage is in a communication rut, it’s time for some change.

Learn More! So let me give you 10 quick practical ideas to say, “I appreciate my husband”:When he connects with a child in some way (calms the child down; reads a book; plays with them), call it out and appreciate itWhen he’s tired, thank him for how hard he worksAs he’s caring for some part of the household tasks, thank him for themAfter you have friends in, appreciate your husband for being the kind of person you can socialize with.If you’ve just enjoyed watching a Netflix show together, tell him that you love how you can enjoy similar showsWhen you remember something about your past, tell him that you love how he was a part of your life back thenIf he talks to your family on the phone or texts them, tell him that you appreciate how he connects with those who matter to youIf he says grace for dinner, tell him that you’re so glad you have a husband who remembers to thank God for thingsIf he ran an errand for you, thank him for taking time for youAfter you tell him about your day, thank him for listening and always being there for you to talk to

See how they’re simple? They don’t have to be big things. Just notice the things he’s doing that you appreciate about him, when you see him building his relationship with you or with others, and when you see him showing good character or showing effort for others. And just call it out.

Often we don’t thank him for mowing the grass because we do so much more! Or we don’t thank him for reading to the kids because he hardly ever does. But if you just simply notice when he does–then that creates a healthier dynamic. Thanking him for reading to the kids, for instance, doesn’t mean that you’re saying, “I think you parent perfectly and you do just as much as me and you have no room for improvement.” It simply means you’re saying, “I notice right now that Jenny feels loved and close to you, and I’m glad of that.” That’s all.

Direct communication needs to involve direct appreciation for your spouse.

Can you do it? And if you did, do you think it would make a difference?

Challenge yourself to thank your husband (or wife) for two things today! And see how it changes how you think about your spouse.

What do you think? Is it hard to express appreciation? Let’s talk in the comments!

The Direct Communication Series5 Reasons Direct Communication is Difficult6 Elements of Direct CommunicationWhy Direct Communication Feels Mean--and Why It's Not3 Reasons Christian Resources Tell Women Direct Communication is a Sin 5 Reasons Christian Teaching Discourages Men from Communicating DirectlyThe Direct Communication PodcastThe Real Solution to Nagging10 Tips to Talking to Your Spouse About Your Sex Life How to Handle a Spouse's Negative Reactions to Direct Communication (coming soon)10 Tips to Having that Difficult Conversation You've Been Putting Off (coming soon)

And please see my book 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, with lots on having difficult conversations and resolving conflict!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts A Sneak Peek at our UNFILTERED PODCAST!

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The post 10 Quick Ideas for Words of Appreciation to Your Husband appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

10 Truths About Emotionally Destructive Marriages

How can you tell if your marriage is emotionally destructive, or if it’s just a normal level of pain?

I caused a firestorm on Facebook over the weekend when I asked whether we talk too much about how “marriage is hard”, and then when people are truly in emotionally destructive marriages, they don’t realize that something is amiss, because they’ve grown up hearing that marriage is the hardest thing they’ll ever do.

This post contains affiliate links.

I’m a big fan of Leslie Vernick’s work, and so today I thought we could walk through how to recognize that you’re in a dangerous relationship, using Leslie’s words from her book The Emotionally Destructive Marriage. Even if you’re in a healthy marriage, I think it’s good to be able to recognize that not everybody is–and help them recognize it too!

I first ran this post a few years ago, but I thought it was time to run it again, as so many people need it!

 

1. Most Marriages Are Not Emotionally Destructive

If you are reading this blog, chances are your marriage is NOT emotionally destructive. I took Leslie’s 50 question quiz to find out how my marriage ranked, and I answered “never” to every single question. I’m married to a great guy–as many of you are too.

However, even though most marriages are not emotionally destructive, emotionally abusive marriages are over-represented on this blog, because so many of you land here in crisis after a Google search. And it’s important that those of us who are in good marriages recognize that emotionally destructive marriages are all too common, and help those in them–even if they’re not the majority.

2. Emotionally Abusive Marriages follow a pattern

In every marriage people may say cruel things during a fight. They may act inappropriately and harshly. I’ve raised my voice at my husband (though I haven’t called him names). He’s raised his voice at me.

But this isn’t typical of our marriage. Leslie Vernick says that a good marriage is one characterized by mutuality, reciprocity, and freedom. We each try to make it better. If a rule applies to one person, it applies to both (for instance, if one person has to make account for the money they spent, then both do. In abusive marriages, often one person forces this on the other without any reciprocity at all). And both spouses feel free to express opinions, make decisions, and choose how to act–even if in bursts of anger we may occasionally do the opposite.

On the other hand, Leslie Vernick says,

The Emotionally Destructive Marriage

An emotionally destructive marriage is one where one’s personhood, dignity, and freedom of choice is regularly denied, criticized, or crushed. This can be done through words, behaviors, economics, attitudes, and misusing the Scriptures…

It’s characterized by repetitive attitudes and behaviors that result in tearing someone down or inhibiting her growth. This behavior is usually accompanied by a lack of awareness, a lack of responsibility, and a lack of change…

Emotional abuse systematically degrades, diminishes, and can eventually destroy the personhood of the abused.

Eventually the emotionally abused spouse (and either spouse could be abused) no longer feels like “me”.

3. Emotionally Abusive marriages make you sick

The stress from living in an emotionally destructive marriage takes its toll.

The Emotionally Destructive Marriage

Your body feels it. Your stomach churns, your teeth grind, your hands clench, your jaw tightens, your head pounds, your legs shake, and your blood pressure rises. You cry, you can’t catch your breath, and you throw up.

When your husband is near your body starts to shake. Almost all women in these types of marriages experience physical symptoms: ulcers, digestive issues, migraines. And it only gets worse.

One of my best friends left an emotionally destructive marriage recently after two decades of chronic health issues–pain, wounds that wouldn’t heal, and more. She improved overnight.

4. Emotionally Destructive marriages make you crazy

Abusive spouses seek to control their mates through manipulation, anger, rage, and deceit. They play mind games. And then, every now and then they perform acts of kindness to keep their spouses ambivalent about leaving.

But when our personhood is systematically denied and we aren’t allowed to express, or even have, feelings, we feel as if we’re going crazy.

Leslie writes,

The Emotionally Destructive Marriage

Our emotions always serve a purpose, like the warning lights on a car dashboard. Ignoring them doesn’t make them go away, and often ignoring our feelings only makes the problem worse.

5. Most typical Christian marriage advice is exactly the wrong thing to do in an emotionally abusive marriage

To me, this is the most important point. I believe in biblical submission–with a firm emphasis on the word biblical. I do not believe in just plain submission. And yet over and over again in Christian blogs and in Christian books we’re told how submission turned their marriage around. How submission was the key to marital happiness.

That may be true–as long as you’re not in an emotionally abusive marriage. As soon as you are, acting in a typically submissive way only makes it worse, as I shared in this post about how not all advice is one size fits all.

Yet too often we in the church are told that the only proper response for a wife towards her husband is to defer to him–a  position that ignores the entire book of Proverbs, most of the Pauline epistles, and how Jesus Himself acted towards injustice.

In many emotionally destructive marriages, wives have spent years reading marriage books on how to make their marriages better. They’ve tried everything they can get their hands on–but nothing works, and in fact things often get worse, because the typical advice doesn’t fit.

I’ll let Leslie Vernick speak to this,

The Emotionally Destructive Marriage

We’ve misdiagnosed a marriage that has terminal cancer and treated it as if it were only suffering from a common cold. We’ve also misplaced the responsibility for keeping the marriage alive by putting an extraordinarily heavy burden on a wife’s shoulders to somehow maintain a loving and warm relationship with a husband who treats her with cruelty, disrespect, deceit, and gross indifference. It’s not feasible, nor is it biblical…

When you are the only one in your marriage caring, repenting, being respectful and honest, sacrificing, and working toward being a better spouse, you are a godly wife, but you don’t have a healthy or biblical marriage…

In some marriages, trying harder does not engender a reciprocal response. It has the opposite effect. It feeds the fantasy that the sole purpose of your life is to serve your husband, make him happy, and meet his every need. It feeds his belief of entitlement and his selfishness, and it solidifies his self-deception that it is indeed all about him.

6. If you’re in an emotionally destructive marriage, be good, don’t be nice

In every marriage, our goal should be to encourage people to be more godly–and that should be all the more so in marriage because we are the helpmeet.

If we act in such a way that we solidify his self-centeredness (or her self-centeredness), then we aren’t being good or loving.

One woman said to Leslie,

I made our marriage worse by never speaking up, by being too nice, by not expressing my needs, and by accommodating Charlie even at my own expense. I went along thinking that this was my role as a godly woman, a submissive wife, a biblical helpmate.

7. To love your husband in an emotionally abusive marriage is to be concerned about his welfare and his soul

Leslie writes,

The Emotionally Destructive Marriage

Biblically loving your husband doesn’t require you to prop him up in order to enable him to continue to hurt you. It involves something far more redemptive…

He needs a wife who will love him enough to tell him the truth and to respectfully challenge his selfishness, his self-absorption, and his self-deception.

What can you do to help your husband grow? You refuse to accept behaviour that is destructive and abusive.

The Emotionally Destructive Marriage

When you put your foot down and say, “I will not allow myself or the kids to be treated this way anymore. It’s destructive to me, to them, and to our marriage,” you are not going against God by speaking the truth in love. You are standing for goodness, for truth, and for the healing and restoration of your marriage.

If you don’t know how to do that, Leslie lists some very practical examples of how you can set repercussions and boundaries for destructive behaviour while still making sure you and the children are safe. She talks practically about how to get a team around you for support, how to express to him what you will and will not accept, and how to start a process which can lead to him understanding what being a godly man is.

8. The Bible clearly says that if you are married to a fool, being nice only makes the fool worse

If people are doubting whether women have the “right” to put these kinds of ultimatums to their husbands, then I’d suggest you read the book of Proverbs and look at how God tells us to treat fools. Leslie explains in detail these Bible passages and how they apply to marriage.

And she looks at one example we have of a woman who was married to a fool–Abigail who was married to Nabal in 1 Samuel 25–and how she went against his wishes and was not submissive because she put God first.

Boundaries in Marriage Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage The Bible Doesn’t Tell Me So 9. We are to obey God, not man–especially an emotionally abusive man (or woman)

Following your husband into sin may be submissive, but it is not biblically submissive. Allowing him to berate you and your children may be submissive, but it is not biblically submissive.

As Peter says in Acts 5:29, “We must obey God rather than man.”

10. God cares about the individuals in your family more than he cares about your marriage

Finally, if you’re in an emotionally abusive marriage, know that God sees you and grieves for you. In her book, Leslie shows through Scripture how God feels when His children are physically and emotionally hurt. He cries with you.

And she shows how the verse “God hates divorce” is often used against women in abusive marriages, rather than against the husbands who have made the rift–which is who that verse was directed at in the first place!

Leslie writes,

The Emotionally Destructive Marriage

Maybe you think that God is more interested in preserving your marriage than the well-being of you and your children, but that is not true…

Joanne realized that her marriage, although important to her, had become idolatrous. Keeping it together was what controlled her, not the love of Christ…

A wife is not a body to use but a person to love.

And finally, let me leave you with this:

Most of you reading this are not in emotionally abusive marriages–but some are. And I want you to know that God cares. That you are not alone. And that He wants you to get help. Maybe that first step is picking up a copy of Leslie Vernick’s The Emotionally Destructive Marriage, which outlines how to identify your marriage, how to seek help, and how to do the hard work of seeing if the marriage can be saved. I encourage you to get it–it will give you hope!

 

Let me know–have you been in an emotionally destructive marriage? Or do you know someone who is right now? Let’s talk in the comments!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts How One Couple in the Arctic Got Over Nagging

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Top 10 Marriage and Sex Red Flags You Must Never Ignore

Marriage red flags–all of us have marriage issues, but how do you know if an issue crosses the line into dangerously weird territory?

I receive many emails from women in crisis, and since we’re talking about doing marriage on hard mode all month, I thought I’d share 10 marriage and sex red flags that really shouldn’t be ignored.

Often we don’t realize when something is off, because we’re new at this whole marriage thing, and most of us don’t share personal and intimate details with our friends. So how can you know if something that worries you is actually a red flag for something quite serious?

I first ran this post a few years ago, but I’ve updated it because it’s such an important one. 

What is a Sex or Marriage Red Flag?

 

A sex or marriage red flag relates to a situation which will not get better by you being nicer, by you being more understanding, by you trying to talk it through with him, or by you being more patient.

This is something which is a serious issue that will likely require a third party, like a licensed counselor, to help you through.

If you ignore it, your marriage will only get worse, and your husband will only fall deeper and deeper into sin or more and more away from God and your family (depending on what the issue is).

In this post, I’m not talking about abuse–though this, too, will not get better on its own, and is a huge red flag. If abuse is your issue, please see:

You can’t provoke someone to abuseHow do I admit to myself that I’m being abused?Why marriage wasn’t meant to be a power struggleToday, then, I want to talk more about sexual red flags in marriage.

These problems represent an issue that your husband has–not something that you have caused, and so you cannot make it better. You can, however, make it more likely that he will get the help he needs by taking it seriously. And that is the most loving thing you can do.

Are you PeaceKEEPING or PeaceMAKING? There’s a huge difference between the two. And if you don’t get it right–you’ll never be able to feel truly intimate in your marriage.

There’s a better way!

Take me to it!

My heart aches for women in these situations, because they often are so taken back with surprise that their husbands are acting this way, and they truly don’t know what to do. I’m sorry that some of these seem so extreme, but I’ve had multiple emails about each of these types of situations, and I know that there are women dealing with these things. So let’s get it all out in the open today!

Here are 10 Sex and Marriage Red Flags that shouldn’t be ignored:1. If your husband says he enjoys sex, but he never or rarely wants to make love–Red Flag!

Men, in general, have a higher sex drive than women do. That doesn’t mean that if you have a higher sex drive than your husband that there is necessarily something wrong with him.

But if your husband never wants to make love (say, less than once a month), even if he says he enjoys it, then that is a red flag. Even if his sex drive is lower than yours, he should want to make love at least sometimes. Here’s a more in-depth series on what to do if your husband doesn’t want sex–and when this really is a red flag.

This could be a sign of psychological issues, pornography issues, ultra low testosterone, or, in some cases, even a different sexual orientation.

2. If your husband considers lack of sex to be a spiritual virtue–Red Flag!

One wife of a busy, hardworking pastor sent this in:

About two months ago I was really feeling the abandonment and disconnect from my husband due to the demands of ministry. I was reading your blog and saw a comment where a woman stated that she never lets her and husband go more than two nights in a row without making love. I thought: how genius! Maybe this will help us stay connected even with his crazy schedule. This went on for a few weeks, then all of a sudden he started refusing. He would leave me laying in bed naked and alone. Again, confused and rejected, I voiced my concerns. He said, we’ve had sex more this month than we’ve had our whole marriage. He proceeded to tell me that our marriage is not based on sex but God. And he felt like I was trying to fill a void of rejection by having sex all the time instead of letting God heal me.

This marriage was already distant because this husband (and father!) was spending most of his time and energy away from the family. When the wife tried to bridge the gap with sex, he told her that she should rely on God instead (presumably like he does).

We do need to rely on God, but we also were created for intimacy with our spouses. When someone consistently rejects sex, while also rejecting an emotional relationship with their spouse, they are likely running from intimacy in general. In this man’s case, he may be lacking intimacy with God, too, thinking that activity for God is the equivalent of intimacy with God. It’s not.

He likely needs a counselor to sit down with him and talk through his priorities–and also a counselor who can walk him through why he’s running from intimacy and believes that self-sufficiency is the highest good. This attitude will make him an ineffective father and husband, but it will also ultimately make him an ineffective pastor.

3. If your husband has never been able to “complete the deed”, especially if he’s young–Red Flag!

I remember one woman who wrote me who married when she and her husband were quite naive and ignorant about how sex worked. She told me that she didn’t think she had ever had sex, and didn’t understand how it even happened.

After more questions, it turned out that her husband had never had an erection.

Young men should have no problem maintaining an erection. If he is unable to with you, then he has either major sexual issues, major psychological issues, or major physical issues (very unlikely in a younger person). Or, alternatively, he may have trained himself through masturbation to only respond to direct stimulation, as in this case:

My son-in-law has been unable to fully complete sexually. After a year and a half of marriage, during which they’ve never managed to “finish”, my daughter came to find out that he does masturbate quite a bit, and had looked at porn a lot. So my daughter has blocked the internet sites that she can and he is very limited to the time he is on the computer. He has been attending an accountability class at a Church that they are attending. He tried going without masturbating for 30 days and he thought things might have seemed better, but didn’t last long.  Oh, I know he was abused as a little boy by his older brother. Inappropriate touching and sodomy that she knows of. He doesn’t want to talk about that.

He asked and asked about seeing a urologist. Basically, my daughter came away thinking because there doesn’t seem to be a problem. He can ejaculate, therefore the urologists says everything is working fine. Could he have masturbated so long that he doesn’t get the same feeling inside her?

Masturbation could definitely be contributing to the problem–but so, likely, is the abuse that he won’t talk about it. Insisting that he go for counseling and getting trauma therapy likely is even more important than a recovery group (though that can help too).  And you can retrain yourself to be aroused by a person, but it takes a while.

That brings us to this one:

4. If your husband chooses masturbation over intercourse–Red Flag!

I’ve had several women saying that they have been going for months without sex–but then one woman walked in on her husband masturbating in the shower. He says he does it every day, and suggests she does it, too, she they don’t have to be bothered with sex.

Solo masturbation is selfish and steals intimacy. If someone chooses masturbation over sex consistently, they likely have withdrawn in other ways and have stunted their emotional development, because they’re becoming self focused rather than relationship focused.

I speak more about masturbation in marriage here.

The next three sex red flags are quite common today, and often result from an addiction to pornography:

5. If your husband refuses to share passwords, let you see his phone, or let you on his computer–Red Flag!

A marriage should have complete trust and openness. If he is adamant that his phone and computer are private, that is practically a guarantee that he is doing something he should not do. If you ask him, he may end up attacking you: “don’t you trust me? Are you that insecure?”

I have never known a marriage where a husband or wife refuses access to their phones who isn’t also either texting inappropriately or watching porn. Never.

If he refuses to let you see things, that’s a definite sign there’s something wrong. One more tip: If you do find something on his phone or computer, take a screen shot or a picture with your phone, so that it can’t be denied later. Then insist on talking with a counselor about it.

Find freedom from porn!

Your marriage, and your thought life, do not need to be held captive to pornography.

There is freedom. 

Beat porn–together!

I want to find freedom! 6. If your husband is not interested in pleasing you, and seems almost disconnected during sex–Red Flag!

If your husband becomes almost a robot in bed, closing his eyes and refusing to talk to you, then he’s disconnecting, perhaps because he can’t become aroused without picturing something else–or someone else–in his head. If he were to talk to you, it would break the fantasy. If sex is impersonal, there’s something wrong.

Note: this may not be a huge sin issue. If a guy grew up masturbating to porn, but doesn’t watch porn anymore, he could simply be having a hard time getting aroused now because he’s trained his sexual response wrong (that’s one of the side effects of porn!). It doesn’t mean he’s watching porn now (though he could be). Talk to him about it and try to work through it together, though an accountability group or counselor may be necessary.

7. If your husband seems to only enjoy sex if you are in discomfort, pain, or inconvenienced–Red Flag!

So much of pornography is focused on dominating or using someone. As I’ve said repeatedly in our Bare Marriage podcast, sex and pornography are not substitutes for one another: they are polar opposites. Sex is an intimate knowing and sharing between two people; porn is a one-sided using of another for your own gratification. And sometimes that involves needing to emotionally distance yourself in order to become aroused.

We shared an anecdote like this that raised major red flags to us in The Great Sex Rescue:

From The Great Sex Rescue

If you only become aroused when someone else is in distress or discomfort, that is a problem. One woman wrote to us with concerning sexual dynamics in her marriage:

There will be times when I initiate and my husband says no, which I am okay with. But then he will want to a few minutes later. Today I had to go to work and knew I would be leaving in a half an hour. I offered for us to have a quickie before I had to go. He said he was okay. Then right before I had to leave, he asked if we could go into the bedroom. I got frustrated but didn’t want to deny him, which of course killed the mood for him and he got frustrated. At night, when I initiate, he often says no. Then as soon as I fall asleep, he wakes me up and says he is horny, or I wake up and find him having sex with me on top of me.

As we explained in chapter 10, waking someone up for sex without their consent is sexual assault. But looking at the other things she described, we see even more red flags. She initiates when it is a good time for her, but if it’s a good time for her, he’s turned off. He only wants intercourse when it’s inconvenient for her. It sounds like, for this man, power has become an aphrodisiac. When you operate under a kingdom of power, rather than under the kingdom of God (as Jesus contrasts in Matt. 20:25–28), then power over the other becomes the gateway to arousal and sexual response. When you operate instead under a kingdom where love and sacrifice reign, then love becomes the gateway into sex.

If your husband is operating with a power sexual response cycle rather than a love one, that’s a problem.

8. If your husband is not interested in intercourse, but only wants other sexual acts–Red Flag!

Porn depicts sexual acts that are more degrading, and thus often more “photograph worthy”, than simply making love. Add that to a porn habit which is self-focused with masturbation, and many men are not interested in actual sex because it requires mutuality. If your husband prefers other sexual acts (or consistently “degrading” things) to intercourse, he likely has a problem with porn.

Note: if your husband simply wants some variation in bed, there’s nothing wrong with that! But if a man only wants oral sex–red flag!

Finally, the last two red flags represent a man with a seriously disturbed sexuality, which really does need a counselor (and unfortunately I’ve had several of these types, too):

9. If your husband has to role play himself or get you to role play to become aroused–Red Flag!

If he has to pretend to be very young, or that you are very young–or any variation on this sort of thing–that’s a danger sign. If he has to pretend to be a different gender, that’s a warning sign. Many couples like to role play; but if the role play is necessary to his arousal, then there is something at work that really does need to be dealt with, as Shannon Ethridge talks about in The Fantasy Fallacy.

10. If your husband wears strange clothing in private–Red Flag!

One reader wrote in with this story:

I have a friend who basically walks on eggshells whenever her husband is around, so as not to disrupt his delicate moods. Yet then he expects her to want to have sex more! She does not keep sex from him, she tries her best even though her emotional needs aren’t being met, yet SHE is the one who has to initiate if they do have sex. Any time she tries to talk to him about their marriage, he ends up crying, and so she never really says exactly what she feels because she doesn’t want to hurt his feelings. Lately he’s done some weird things, such as he got a thong and began wearing it to bed. No explanation, no asking her what she thought about it. She asked him why and he said “I thought you might like it.” She told him it was a big turn-off for her, yet a month later he ordered 3 more on-line.

I can imagine how bewildered this wife is. She’s trying to have a good marriage, to be good to him, to be sexually available–but he’s crying, moody, rejecting her, and now wearing lingerie!

If a man starts wearing odd clothing, especially in bed, this is a sign of a serious psychological issue that needs to be dealt with.

Note: I am not saying thongs are weird or wrong. But in this scenario, there definitely seems to be something else going on, and it’s associated with clothing.

BONUS Tip: If he won’t accept your no–Red Flag!

I guess this one’s really #11, but it needs a spot all on its own, because it’s so important.

When we did our focus groups for The Great Sex Rescue, we were amazed by how many women told us stories of sexual assault in marriage which they didn’t understand was sexual assault. If she wasn’t kicking and screaming, then it wasn’t rape, right? Or maybe she was kicking and screaming, but they were married, so rape wasn’t possible, right?

Chapter 10 in The Great Sex Rescue shows how too often our evangelical advice about sex has ignored issues of sexual abuse, and even enabled coercion. Remember this one simple test:

If you do not feel as if you can safely say no, then you can’t freely say yes, either. 

For more help:Let’s talk marital rape and what coercion looks likeMarital rape and obligation sex podcastI’m sorry to be so graphic or to talk about such distasteful things today.

I know that this is not what the vast majority of you deal with. But what scares me when I see some of these emails is that the wives don’t seem to realize how serious many of these things are, because it’s their “normal”. So I want to say, loudly and clearly, these things are NOT normal. They ARE red flags. And you really, really do need to get help, for the sake of his own spiritual and emotional health, and that of your relationship.

If you want to see what normal sex is, and what God created sex to be, our book The Great Sex Rescue explains it all, and it may help you put words to what you instinctively feel is wrong.

The Great Sex RescueChanging the conversation about sex & marriage in the evangelical church. What if you're NOT the problem with your sex life?

What if the things that you've been taught have messed things up--and what if there's a way to escape these messages?

Welcome to the Great Sex Rescue. Order Now! My sympathy for any of you who are walking through this.

Please know that God is big enough to get you through–and your husband is never so messed up that God cannot redeem him and redeem your marriage. He may not choose to do so–we all have free will to reject God’s help. But God can do amazing things when we let Him, and I pray that this will be evident in your marriages!

Is there a red flag that I missed? What would be #11? Or do you think one of these is not that big a deal? Let’s talk in the comments!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts How One Couple in the Arctic Got Over Nagging

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