Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 26

The DIRECT COMMUNICATION SERIES: Direct Communication Isn’t Mean–But It May Feel Like It

When you start asking for things directly, it can feel like you’re being really mean.

But what if the opposite is true? What if speaking directly is actually a way to be kind?

We’re at the start of our direct communication series this month on the blog, and we’ve looked at 5 barriers to direct communication, and the 6 elements of direct communication.

Today I want to tackle a thornier issue that makes direct communication difficult: It can feel like we’re being mean.

And here’s why: We often have different goals going into communication.

One goal is to keep the relationship on an even keel. We don’t want to rock the boat. We want everyone to feel as if we’re totally okay.

The other goal can be to deepen understanding and intimacy.

To do the first, it can often be better to withhold information that may actually rock that boat. To do the second, we may have to give information that’s going to make someone uncomfortable.

For instance, let’s go back to that incident that I wrote about in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, and that I talked about on Friday: 

From 6 Elements of Direct Communication:

A couple was washing dishes after Thanksgiving dinner when his mom came into the kitchen and started talking about Aunt Betty, and how lonely she was in the nursing home, and how few residents were still of sound mind that she could talk to. When the mom left the kitchen, the wife turned to her husband and said, “your mom wants you to visit Aunt Betty.” The husband looked flabbergasted and said, “If Mom wanted that she would have asked me!”

He called his mom back into the kitchen and said, “are you trying to get me to visit Aunt Betty?” His mom, relieved, replied: “well, of course! I’ve been waiting!”

Why didn’t the mother just ask directly for the son to visit the aunt in the nursing home?

If she asked directly, he could refuse. 

If he refused, that might mean something about him. It means that he doesn’t care about his aunt, and she may secretly be afraid that’s true. So she doesn’t ask directly so that she doesn’t have it confirmed that her son is selfish.

If she asked directly,  he may be upset at her.

He may think that she’s being unreasonable, expecting him to take time out of his busy schedule to go see his aunt, who is only a distant relation. He may become angry at his mom and not want to spend time with her anymore.

But if she asks indirectly…

She has the potential that  he will do what she wants anyway, but she does not have to risk confirming that he may be selfish, or confirming that their relationship is a tenuous one where a little request like this could anger him.

Asking indirectly allows the illusion of a close relationship to continue.

Nobody is upset at anybody. She may be secretly disappointed that he didn’t see his aunt, but, at the same time, she never actually asked him to. And so she’s able to feel as if they have a great relationship and she has a great son, even though this has not actually been proven.

Asking indirectly allows everyone to operate on surface relationships–which is what most of us do. We allow others to save face by never actually having to admit to anything selfish or bad because we don’t directly ask them to go outside of their comfort zone. That way we are never rejected, and they are never shamed. 

Are you PeaceKEEPING or PeaceMAKING?

There’s a huge difference between the two. And if you don’t get it right–you’ll never be able to feel truly intimate in your marriage.

There’s a better way!

Learn more! When you start asking directly, you upset this balance that virtually everyone participates in.

Whenever you upset a balance, people are going to be upset because it feels strange. It’s like you’re directly calling people out, almost like a bull in a china shop. It will seem like you’re the one who is being rude.

But what you’re actually doing is basing your relationship on Truth. 

Jesus said that He is the Way, the Truth, and the Life (John 14:6). Jesus didn’t shy away from uncomfortable truths. He said them out loud. And those around Him still felt incredibly loved, even though he was upsetting the apple cart. But we can never have true intimacy based on anything other than truth. If we’re going to have intimate relationships, we need to be able to share what we’re thinking and feeling. If someone cannot handle that, then that is a sign that the relationship is not as close as we thought it was–that the other person doesn’t necessarily value us the way that we wanted to be valued. That’s a scary, scary thing to know.

However, the converse is also true. You can never really know if someone truly does value you unless you speak up directly. Many of us would rather risk never being truly known than we would risk never knowing if someone really loved us and valued us. We’d rather not have close relationships than we would have it confirmed to us that the people we love don’t necessarily invest in us in the same way.

And you know what? That makes perfect sense. It’s nice to live in an illusion, and direct communication breaks the illusion.

But it’s also not real. And at some point we are going to have to decide if we want real or not.

Now, there’s one more point before we let this one go:

Direct communication may not seem like it, but it’s actually quite kind.

It can seem kind to allow people to save face and to never ask for directly what you want. But telling people how you feel and what you want and what you expect takes so much of the guesswork and emotional energy out of relationships. (and this is doubly true in the workplace, by the way.)

How many times have you gotten upset at your spouse because he or she didn’t read between the lines and figure out that something was really important to you? Or they were trying to read between the lines, but they read totally the wrong lines, and figured you wanted something totally different?

It happens all the time with gifts. Someone thinks they’re hinting clearly about the thing that they really want, while the spouse is desperately trying to figure it out, and picks up on what they think is a hint but really wasn’t. (“Didn’t Susie’s new raincoat compliment her eyes so well?” And suddenly you hav a new raincoat when you already had two, when what you really wanted was an electronic tea maker).

And you feel hurt, but they also feel hurt because they genuinely tried. They just picked up on the wrong thing.

It happens with gifts, but it happens with daily, run of the mill things, too. Maybe what really, really matters to you is that your spouse drop what he or she is doing when you come in the door and give a big hug and kiss and show them how happy you are that they’re home. But at the same time your spouse is always complimenting you on all the tidying that you got done when they were out. So you start to think that what’s really important is the tidying. So everytime before your spouse comes home you run around like a Tasmanian devil tidying all the kids’ stuff, and when they walk in the door you quickly stash the last few things and then run to the kitchen to stick some dishes in the dishwasher, and they’re left feeling lonely–like why is the housework and the condition of the house more important to you than they are?

And it wasn’t that at all! You just picked up on the wrong cues.

And you’re both upset at each other, and you both don’t feel loved.

But if you just said, “Hey, what really matters to me more than anything is that  you greet me at the door when I come home,” then all of this would have been averted.

A lot of us invest a lot of emotional energy trying to decode what our spouse says.

And, to be honest, some of us don’t try to decode, because we figure if it were important then they would ask. And so we’re not really communicating to each other what makes us feel close.

Over the long run, that drives distance between two people.

That’s why direct communication is kind. It lets people have a quick relationship “win” because you know what matters to each other. It lets you see what someone does care. It lets the other person in to your thoughts and feelings.

And it also reveals the condition of the relationship, as we’ll look at through the rest of the series.

What happens if you communicate directly, and your spouse ignores it or rejects it? We’ll deal with that soon.

But you know what? It’s still better to have a realistic and truthful view of your relationship, than to put all of your energy into maintaining a facade.

Direct communication is about Truth and Intimacy. Those are two good things. But they’re also hard things that we do have to fight for. That’s why it feels awkward. That’s why it feels vulnerable. But that’s also why it’s worth it.

 

Does direct communication feel mean and awkward to you? Do you have a different communication style at home than you do at work? Let’s talk in the comments!

The Direct Communication Series5 Reasons Direct Communication is Difficult6 Elements of Direct CommunicationWhy Direct Communication Feels Mean--and Why It's Not The Real Solution to Nagging (coming soon)How Christian Resources Tell Women Direct Communication is a Sin (coming soon)How to Handle a Spouse's Negative Reactions to Direct Communication (coming soon)10 Tips to Having that Difficult Conversation You've Been Putting Off (coming soon)10 Tips to Talking to Your Spouse About Your Sex Life (coming soon)

And please see my book 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, with lots on having difficult conversations and resolving conflict!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts DIRECT COMMUNICATION Series: 5 Reasons Why It’s So Hard to Say What You Want

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The Direct Communication Series: 6 Elements of Direct Communication

What does direct communication look like? And what ISN’T direct communication?

This month our series will focus on direct communication in marriage: How to state your feelings and thoughts clearly, without beating around the bush. And how to listen effectively to your spouse so that you’re both sure that you’re heard and understood.

And even though we’re talking mostly about a marriage situation, these tips really apply for pretty much all relationships.

We talked on Tuesday about the five big hindrances to direct communication, and why people often find it so difficult. Before we start trying to fix these problems, let’s make sure the basics are covered and that we understand what direct communication looks like.

In direct communication, you manage your emotions as well as possible so that your words are clear and convey the message.

It’s okay to be angry and upset and to cry. But those times when your emotions aren’t under control are probably not the best times for conversations where you want to get a point clearly across and come to a resolution.

So for sure–have your emotions! But calm down before you start a conversation where you want your spouse to hear what you have to say.

In direct communication, you own your feelings and express them.

When you want your spouse to understand what you’re thinking and feeling, you need to express what you’re thinking and feeling. And that means owning your own thoughts and feelings. Often we try to fob our feelings or thoughts off onto someone else, because it can feel very uncomfortable owning our own thoughts and feelings, but it’s important to be clear.

For instance, instead of saying, “you’re always playing video games and you’re always ignoring me!”, you say, “I feel lonely in our marriage, especially when you spend so much time on video games and we don’t get to spend time together.”

The first is an accusation; the second explains a problem that you are having, and gives your spouse the opportunity to address that problem.

One of the keys to emotionally healthy relationships is recognizing that your feelings are your own. So when you’re talking, express what you’re feeling!

In direct communication, you state clearly what you are hoping to achieve from the conversation.

Part of communication is letting your spouse know what you are expecting from this conversation. And that means you need to have an end goal in mind, too! Do you want them simply to listen to your feelings and thoughts and support you? Do you want some encouragement for feeling overwhelmed? Do you want advice for how to fix a situation? Or do you want your spouse to actually change something he or she is doing?

State that clearly up front:

“I’d like to have a talk, and I don’t expect you to do anything. I just would like you to listen and support me. I can’t change anything so I don’t need advice, but I’d like your support.”“I’m feeling overwhelmed and I don’t know how to handle all that’s on my plate. If I talk about all my upcoming responsibilities, can you please help me figure out what to drop?”“I’m having a problem with the way we’re handling our finances, and I’d like to talk about it and come to a solution.”

or, as we talked about before,

“I feel lonely in our marriage, especially when you spend so much time on video games and we don’t get to spend time together. I’d like to talk about how we can prioritize the relationship so I feel connected with you.”

Before you even begin, give your spouse a heads up on what you’re looking for.

In direct communication, you ask clearly for anything you want from your spouse.

I wrote in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage about the difficulty many women have in speaking up for what they want.

A couple was washing dishes after Thanksgiving dinner when his mom came into the kitchen and started talking about Aunt Betty, and how lonely she was in the nursing home, and how few residents were still of sound mind that she could talk to. When the mom left the kitchen, the wife turned to her husband and said, “your mom wants you to visit Aunt Betty.” The husband looked flabbergasted and said, “If Mom wanted that she would have asked me!”

He called his mom back into the kitchen and said, “are you trying to get me to visit Aunt Betty?” His mom, relieved, replied: “well, of course! I’ve been waiting!”

Do you have a hard time asking for what you want?

You can change the dynamic in your marriage and make talking about your own needs easier!

If your marriage is in a communication rut, it’s time for some change.

Learn More!

Sometimes we’re even told as women that we shouldn’t ask clearly, because to do so would be unsubmissive.

In Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood, John Piper writes of the dilemma of when a man is lost and needs directions from a woman:

“For example, a housewife in her backyard may be asked by a man how to get to the freeway. At that point she is giving a kind of leadership. She has superior knowledge that the man needs and he submits himself to her guidance. But we all know that there is a way for that housewife to direct the man in which neither of them feels their mature femininity or masculinity compromised.”

John Piper

Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood

And how would his masculinity be compromised, according to Piper? If she spoke directly.

“To the degree that a woman’s influence over man is personal and directive it will generally offend a man’s good, God-given sense of responsibility and leadership, and thus controvert God’s created order.”

John Piper

Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood

Got that? She’s in sin if she’s direct.

Nope. We need to get rid of that idea (and we’ll talk about it more later in the month). If you want something, ask for it directly. Anything else is not speaking truth, and Jesus wants us to speak truth.

In direct communication, you leave your spouse free to respond.

Direct communication is a two-way street–just as you share your own thoughts and opinions and feelings, so your spouse is also free to share his or her thoughts and opinions.

That means that while you certainly can bring up what needs to be talked about, and can be very clear in what you want, your spouse is also free to respond how he or she wants. You don’t control the outcome; you only control your part in it.

That’s really the hardest thing to let go of–the thought that you can’t force your spouse to “get it” or come around to your way of seeing things. And if it’s apparent that the conversation isn’t going anywhere, then often healthy communication may involve tabling something for further discussion later, too.

In direct communication, you remain consistent and you follow through.

One woman commented earlier this week about a problem she often gets into when she’s trying to bring something up with her husband–he’ll immediately start weeping and talk about what a terrible person he is and how she must hate being married to him. He takes the focus off of the issue at hand and starts making himself the center of the story.

In direct communication, you remain consistent, and keep coming back to the thing that you need to resolve.

“I see that you’re feeling badly right now, and that is not my intention. I’m happy to talk about that later. But right now we are talking about how lonely I feel when you play video games every night, and I’d like to stick to that conversation.”

If he refuses to talk about your issue, then you can end the conversation–without talking about his issue.

In fact, this is the really important thing that wraps everything up together: 

A Key Principle in Direct Communication–
Say What You Mean, and Mean What You Say

If you’re talking about something that is important to you, you need to make sure that all of your communication–not just verbal, but how you relate to your spouse–matches what you are saying.

If this is important to you, and your spouse tries to change the subject, you do not talk about another subject. You stick to what you brought up, or you end the conversation. To allow yourself to be sidetracked shows your spouse, “this actually isn’t that important.” (you can, of course, talk about the issues your spouse wants to discuss at another time).

If this is important to you, and your spouse refuses to listen to your concerns or address them, then you follow through in other ways. Life doesn’t just go back to normal.

This is the hardest skill to learn–how to follow through. I’m not talking about punishing your spouse, but if something needs to be dealt with and it’s important to you, then that needs to be apparent to your spouse. If they refuse to address it, that doesn’t mean you have to back down or let it go.

For more on that, please see my Iron Sharpens Iron series from last year!

Here are all the elements of direct communication put together:

We’ll also talk later in the month about what to do if your spouse truly won’t address an issue. But for now, remember that direct communication isn’t just about what you say–it’s about whether how you act reflects the words you are saying. If something is important to you–act like it’s important to you, too!

What do you think? What do you find the hardest? Let’s talk in the comments!

The Direct Communication Series5 Reasons Direct Communication is Difficult6 Elements of Direct CommunicationWhy Direct Communication Feels Mean--and Why It's Not (coming soon)The Real Solution to Nagging (coming soon)How Christian Resources Tell Women Direct Communication is a Sin (coming soon)How to Handle a Spouse's Negative Reactions to Direct Communication (coming soon)10 Tips to Having that Difficult Conversation You've Been Putting Off (coming soon)10 Tips to Talking to Your Spouse About Your Sex Life (coming soon)

And please see my book 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, with lots on having difficult conversations and resolving conflict!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts Love and Respect is Being Recommended to Coerce Women into BDSM Relationships

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The PODCAST On Sex and the New Reformation

The Bare Marriage Podcast is back for Season 4! And we thought we’d start with a little victory dance.

I didn’t actually know this was season 4, but Katie (my daughter who does all the editing for the podcasts) informed me that we were now starting season 4. So yay!

After taking a month off, Rebecca and I are back to give a big picture look at what we see happening in the evangelical world as we talk about sex and marriage. And there’s a lot to be encouraged about. (Plus some things you just have to laugh at!)

Listen to the Podcast Here

Browse all the Different Podcasts

See the Last “Start Your Engines” (Men’s) Podcast

Or, as always, you can watch on YouTube:

 

Main Segment: Let’s Do a Victory Dance!

Rebecca and I quickly run through some of the cool things that have happened over the last few weeks since we stopped recording podcasts.

Matthew West was made to take down his Modest is Hottest video (I was quoted in a Religious News Service article about that).A number of people sent in personal stories about standing up to summer camps with shaming dress codes for girls, or speaking up to their churches about Love & RespectThe Rise and Fall of Mars Hill podcast covered toxic teaching in the church about sex Want to bring up your concerns to your church?

Access a quick synopsis of the findings from The Great Sex Rescue survey, with some quick stats–along with our rubric of healthy sexuality teaching and our scorecard.

Then use it to bring your concerns to church leadership!

Download the package! Question: Why do many men assume women are hitting on them when women smile?

A funny sidenote came out of that Mars Hill podcast: they shared a quick anecdote where James Dobson said that he was at a stoplight when a woman smiled at him. He knew she was propositioning him for sex. She then turned down a side street, and he knew he was supposed to follow–but he didn’t take the bait.

Twitter erupted wanting to dissect this. So we invited Laura Robinson, a Duke University PhD candidate in New Testament, to come on the podcast with us. She wrote a few incredible threads about how this would actually play out in real life if it happened (Imagine him pulling up in her driveway after following her and then saying, “do we do sex now?” I think police would soon be involved).

We try to get to the bigger issues of why it is that it’s assumed that women are hitting on men all the time. (not saying it doesn’t happen–but it is often assumed when it’s not).

The story in Mars Hill 5 of James Dobson thwarting a potential seductress who stopped at a stoplight next to him, smiled, and turned down a side street ("I didn't take the bait") is as hilariously a glimpse into the nonreflective dudemind as it is disturbing.

— Laura Robinson (@LauraRbnsn) July 28, 2021

Big Picture Question: Are We Going Through a Fourth (or Second, or Sixth) Reformation?

Of course it depends how you measure these things, but it seems as if every 400-500 years something big happens to disrupt the church as a whole, and changes the direction. The last huge change was the Protestant Reformation. Could we be going through another such change again?

Rebecca and I read a few comments from the blog that show the chaos that we’re experiencing as a wider faith community. Some people are “deconstructing” and leaving evangelicalism for mainline churches. Some are deconstructing and staying in evangelical churches. Some are deconstructing and leaving Jesus altogether.

We know that many of you are deconstructing; we want to show that you can do this and still hold on to Jesus, and I do think that’s part of what this podcast is for. With millennials and Generation Z leaving the church in droves, we want to show that there is another way.

And so we ask some big picture questions about church and faith right now, and I hope you enjoy the discussion!

Things Mentioned in This Podcast:Our Patreon–support us for as little as $3 a month! We also have unfiltered podcasts and more available for our supporters. The money doesn’t go to this blog or podcast, but to cover the cost of our research.The Great Sex Rescue–and the package you can download to show to your churchOur definitive podcast on lust & modesty (because I didn’t want to rehash everything when we talked about Modest is Hottest)The Mars Hill podcast episode–The Things We Do to WomenLaura Robinson’s Twitter ThreadThe Jezebel Article about The Great Sex RescueOur article on Elisabeth Elliot and unhealthy dating relationships and the problem with Friendationships when you can’t define the relationshipCan Christians use sex toys?Our Churchianity vs. Christianity podcastAimee Byrd’s book on Christian platonic friendships: Why Can’t We Be Friends?

 

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Join our list! Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts The Day I WASN’T Called a Jezebel–But I Am in It!

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Reader Question: When Does Anger Become Abuse?

How can you tell if your husband has anger management issues, or if he’s actually abusive?

I’m starting a series on the blog this month on direct communication, and yesterday we looked at what hinders speaking directly. We’ll also cover what direct communication looks like, HOW to speak directly, and how direct communication isn’t the same thing as being mean (though it may seem so at first!).

But before we tackled that, I had a reader question that I really needs to be answered first. 

When we’re talking about direct communication, I’m not talking about yelling or being angry–no matter how “direct” that appears.

A woman wrote in with this question about a husband who can’t control his anger:

How can I help my husband control his anger ? He yells at the kids several times a day. I dread when he comes home from work, and weekends are horrible.

I think I would understand more if we were dealing with out of control children who had serious sin issues such as rebellion, lying, stealing, cheating, etc. But hearing him yell at the kids regularly for minor offenses like how they sit at the table or wash their hands is difficult. It is quite a turn-off for me too. Very difficult to get in the mood with echoes of the yelling and anger throughout the evening ringing in my ears. He also has high blood pressure, which makes things difficult since he refuses to see a doctor.

A couple years in a row me and the 3 kids have gone to visit my parents for a month so that he can have a break from the kids. He also switched jobs because he said his job was too stressful, and that helped a little for awhile, but for the last few weeks our home has been miserable again. My husband tends to pick on the oldest son the most. I don’t understand why, but he withholds affection and now our oldest son has become super sensitive and gets weepy easily. My son also craves attention and physical affection from men, which concerns me as well. I’ve asked my husband to get counseling from church, but he says “they” will just gossip about him. He doesn’t want everyone to know. Sometimes I’m tempted to use that to force him deal with the issue. To threaten him with exposure in order make it end. Would that be wrong of me?

I’ve read things about angry, controlling men and how it’s emotional abuse, but I’m not really sure where to draw the line. I’m not sure what emotional abuse is really. All I know is that his anger is hurting our family and I’m at a loss knowing how to resolve the situation.

This is not merely anger. This is abusive, and it needs to stop.

Before I give specific thoughts, let’s note the red flags in her story:He is yelling at the children for minor offencesThe family dreads when the father is home, and weekends are horribleShe is expected to have sex with him–and expects herself to have sex with him–even after he has been angry and has hurt the childrenHer son is exhibiting major symptoms of abuse, including craving attention from other menHer husband refuses to see the doctor or a counselor

These are all very concerning dynamics which, quite simply, need to stop.

But why has this situation continued? Simple:

Sometimes it’s hard to deal with anger problems because our focus gets misplaced.

Whose well-being is being prioritized in this story?

Over and over again, it’s the husband.

He is yelling at the children and she is mollifying everybody; when he is stressed, she takes the children away and gives him a break (does anyone give her a break? Or the kids a break?). He gets sex, even when he’s acted horribly. She doesn’t talk about what is really going on in the household because she doesn’t want to “gossip” or embarrass him.

So he is hurting the children and hurting her, but his well-being is what is prioritized.

This is so backwards from the heart of God. God cares about His precious children, and does not abide with people hurting others or acting unjustly. What this man is doing angers God.

And the reason that she doesn’t feel in the mood after he’s been yelling? Because our libido is tied in to our sense of emotional safety and security. That’s how God wired us. We’re not SUPPOSED to want to have sex with people who treat us badly! This is a defensive protective factor hard wired into us that helps us identify when something is wrong–and gives us impetus to change.

Nevertheless, so many women ignore that feeling because we’ve been taught, over and over, that our primary responsibility is to make our husbands happy, even at our own expense–or our kids’ expense.

That is not your job. You never have to enable abusive behavior. 

As a mom, your first responsibility is to protect your children.

She sees her kids are hurting, and her heart is breaking for them–but again, she isn’t acting in a way to shield her kids from her husband. She is acting in a way to shield her husband from the repercussions of his actions. In the words of the authors of the book Boundaries, she is disrupting the Law of Sowing and Reaping. Her husband is sowing anger and discord, but instead of reaping the results, she and the kids are reaping anxiety and fear.

She needs to start putting the repercussions back where they belong: on her husband.

And, ladies, I can’t tell you how important this is. You are the best and only advocate your kids often have. Other people don’t see what really happens in your home. If you do not stand up for your kids, who will? And your children are helpless. Your husband is not. No matter what you believe about the marriage or a wife’s role or any of that stuff, your children need you to be strong. Your children need you to protect them.

Okay, but what if this isn’t actually abusive?

I think it is, but let’s say you’re not in this exact situation, and you don’t think what you’re enduring qualifies as abuse. Then what?

I think we focus too much on the word “abuse”: If it’s abusive, then we can do something. If it’s not, we have to put up with it.

No. If there is an unhealthy dynamic in your family that is hurting members of your family, you deal with it. Whether some people would call it abuse or some wouldn’t doesn’t matter; you deal with the unhealthy dynamics. And when your children are cowering and exhibiting fear behaviours, then it is time for you to act, whether or not you think this fits the definition of abuse.

Besides, the Bible is very clear that “fits of rage” are not okay:

The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.

Galatians 5:19-21

People exhibiting this type of behavior are not walking in the Spirit, and need to be dealt with as such.

Do You Have a Difficult Time Standing up to your Husband?

God wants us aiming for His will. That sometimes will mean that we need to confront our husbands when they’re doing something wrong.

Struggle with how to do that? Are boundaries a difficult concept for you? 9 Thoughts can help!

Take me to it! Some thoughts about next steps when dealing with abuse and and a spouse’s fits of rage

I can’t give a timeline for next steps, because so much depends on individual situations and the resources that you have. But I will say a few big things to think about:

1. Get everyone to safety.

Remember that physical safety is not the only safety we need to prioritize. Emotional wounds hurt, too. If you can leave now, do it. If not, start making a plan.

2. Recruit help.

Seek out a licensed counselor to help you through the process of drawing boundaries. Tell your close friends and family what is happening so they aren’t blindsided. Chances are many of them have seen it, too, and may be able to help you. If they won’t, then find support in online groups (Sarah McDugal, Leslie Vernick, or Flying Free Now are all great). You can’t do this alone. Dealing with this is likely destroying your self-esteem and sense of self, leaving you feeling helpless. It’s likely creating major trauma in your life. You need to help yourself, too. You can’t help your kids until you can get help. 

And that means that you stop keeping his secret. It is not your job to protect his reputation; it is your job to protect your children–and yourself!

The Emotionally Destructive Marriage Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage Boundaries in Marriage 3. Get in a safe community yourself

And take care of yourself! Often the reason that women tolerate such horrible treatment of themselves and their kids is that they’re in a community which tells women they have to do this or else they’re in sin. So the community itself is often feeding the problem.

Most Christian women who leave their abusers also have to end up leaving their church. It’s so cruel, it’s not fair, and it’s a HUGE indictment of the state of the evangelical church in North America today. But the church, quite frankly, is not a safe place for most women.

That may not be true in your individual church. 

I have known churches that have been amazing at helping abused women. But I have heard too many horror stories that my default now is to advise women NOT to go to their church unless they know their church helps abused women, and instead find a community that is safe. That may involve switching churches. It may involve joining some community groups.

But do not let a church, or a group of elders, tell you if you’re allowed to separate or if you’ve done enough counseling or if he really is abusive.

THESE ARE YOUR CHILDREN.

You are the final say. You are their last line of defence.

You do not need to listen to people who claim to be in authority over you but don’t lift a finger to actually protect you and your kids. 

Unless the focus stops being on the husband’s happiness and well-being, and starts being on your own mental health and the children’s safety, then no counseling or church help is going to work because the emphasis is upside down and not of Christ.

4. Document the incidents.

Here’s a tricky one. If the marriage falls apart, your children may be at even more risk if your husband gets even partial custody. You won’t be there to defend them.

So it’s important that you start documenting when abuse towards the children happens so that you have a record to use in court.

The documentation could take several forms:

Keep a journal of the incidents, and if others witness them, ask them to sign the journal entriesAsk anyone who ever witnesses your husband yelling at the kids to write their own description of what happened--as close in time to the incident as possibleIf it’s legal where you live, secretly record any diatribes (some jurisdictions do not allow for single party recording where the other person doesn’t know they’re being recorded).Call the police or child protective services whenever your husband is abusive towards the kids. Get child protection involved early, so that there is a record of what he did (child protective services may require that he move out, or may temporarily remove the children if you can’t get them to a safe place yourself without access to your husband, so have a back up plan. But getting the authorities involved early does produce a record).Take pictures of any physical injuries. 5. Think about ways to support yourself.

Speaking up does not necessarily mean the marriage is over. Insisting on counseling and separating for a time does not mean that you necessarily are going to divorce. But we need to be able to support ourselves in case anything ever does happen to the marriage.

Can you learn new skills so  you can get a job or find part-time work?Can you renew old skills that may have lapsed?Can you take money and put it in a bank account that he can’t touch?Do you know where all the financial information is? If so, take pictures of everything so that he can’t hide money later.

Even if you’re not thinking of separating, if your marriage is rocky and your husband has abusive tendencies, it’s best to make sure that you know where all your financial information is now, and that you prepare  yourself now to be able to support your family if anything ever happened a few years down the road.

Anger and fits of rage are different things.

I want to end with this: Sometimes we get angry for very good reasons. Maybe people have treated us badly; maybe we’re just really stressed and we have a short fuse. Maybe someone is treating other people badly and we want to protect them.

Anger itself is not bad.

Fits of rage, however, are a different thing. These are fits that often come out of nowhere and are used to intimidate and control. They aren’t related to what someone may have done, but instead burst out of the person having the fit.

The problem is not that this person is an angry person; the problem is that this person is a controlling and scary person, and that distinction is important.

Sometimes people have fits of rage because they never learned how to show any other kind of emotion. Maybe they grew up in a very abusive environment as well. It’s easy to look at him and know his story and feel like it’s not his fault.

And it may very well not be. But your children are still being hurt. His hurt is not an excuse to further hurt others. He needs to deal with his hurt while minimizing the harm to those around him. You can have empathy and compassion for him, but that does not mean that you have to subject yourself and your children to fits of rage.

UPDATE: I should have said–all of this applies if the roles are reversed and it’s the wife who has fits of rage and the husband who is wondering how to protect the kids. I should have said it above, and I’m sorry for the oversight. 

Does anyone else have any advice for women in this type of situation? Any words of encouragement? Let’s talk in the comments!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts More Podcasts for Your Playlist!

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The post Reader Question: When Does Anger Become Abuse? appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

DIRECT COMMUNICATION Series: 5 Reasons Why It’s So Hard to Say What You Want

Why is it so hard to tell your spouse what you’re thinking? What you want? What you need?

For the month of August we’re going to talk about direct communication–how to be up front with your spouse so you actually know what each other is thinking, rather than having to second guess and beat around the bush.

Last week we were talking about that helpless feeling when you’re single and someone is stringing you along, and how so many in that situation have a hard time speaking up for various reasons.

But it’s not just in friendationships that this is a problem. It can happen in marriage, too. We don’t say directly what we think. Maybe it’s because of fear; maybe it’s because of shame; maybe it’s because of weird spiritual beliefs that connect both.

I’d like to encourage us this month to learn how to speak directly–how to make your needs known, how to ask for what you want, how to have healthy disagreements.

And I’d like to encourage us to ditch passive-aggressiveness, where we beat around the bush or manipulate to try to get what we want. Let’s learn to speak up!

That’s hard for a lot of people. It feels unnatural, like we’re being pushy. It feels scary. But it’s really the only way to have a healthy marriage.

Intimacy means that you both have to truly know each other, and you can’t know each other if you’re not speaking directly about what you think, feel, and need. If you’re holding back, then your spouse is only seeing a part of you. How can you be truly loved if they only see a part of you? Intimacy is each of you seeing all of the other person, and still saying, “I love you. I accept you. I’m sticking with you.”

It doesn’t mean you love every single part of each other; but it means you see the flaws and the scars in context, and you say, “I want to be here. I want to know you, every part of you.”

Isn’t that the heart cry that God put into each one of us–to be truly seen and truly accepted? That’s why direct communication is so important in a marriage. You can’t have real intimacy without it.

Unfortunately, many of us have big stumbling blocks when it comes to speaking directly. So let’s start this series with 4 big ways that we hesitate to say openly what’s on our minds: 

Skill Issues in Speaking Directly: We can’t identify what we want and don’t know how to talk about it. When we don’t know how to identify our own needs

Did you grow up hearing that any time you wanted something you were likely selfish and in sin? That your life was supposed to be spent making sure other people were happy?

Many of us did. And there is a kernel of truth there–we aren’t supposed to obsess over what we want, and we are supposed to care about others. But that doesn’t mean that we don’t matter!

When you were a child, though, if you felt that you were responsible for making sure everyone else remained happy, you may never have asked yourself what you actually wanted. Your needs and wants were so far down the list because you spent your emotional energy trying to figure out what everyone else was thinking and feeling so that you could react and adjust accordingly. It may have been an abusive environment where you taught yourself to “read the room” in order to do your best not to make anything worse (though you can never “provoke” abuse). It may have been that you had very self-absorbed parents who never cared about your own needs.

Whatever the situation, you were never encouraged to speak out loud what you were thinking and feeling or even to identify them. And today, you often have a vague sense of malaise, like things aren’t going right. But it’s hard for you to put words to what you’re feeling, or to what exactly is wrong.

When we don’t know how to speak up

Sometimes identifying your feelings isn’t the issue; it’s learning how to actually speak up. Maybe in your family whenever people expressed their needs they yelled and huge fights ensued. You never had it modelled how to have a healthy disagreement, and so you shy away from speaking up, even about innocuous things, because you genuinely don’t know how to do it.

Maybe you associate telling the truth about your internal life with causing strife. And so you back away because it seems too scary.

Relationship Issues: We’re scared that the relationship isn’t solid enough to handle our needs

Maybe you don’t speak directly because you’ve tried it in the past and it backfired. You didn’t get what you need; and instead it just seemed to prove to you that you never will.

You’ve given up trying to get your needs met, and you throw yourself into just keeping the relationship on an even keel. But that becomes increasingly difficult, because you spend your life hiding. Anger and resentment build, because your spouse seems to have no idea what you’re actually thinking and feeling, even though you feel as if you’ve given them lots of hints. You’re trying to meet their needs, and they seem to be doing very little in return.

Are you PeaceKEEPING or PeaceMAKING?

There’s a huge difference between the two. And if you don’t get it right–you’ll never be able to feel truly intimate in your marriage.

There’s a better way!

Learn more! Vulnerability Issues with Speaking Directly: Revealing ourselves makes us feel unsafe.

It’s a lot more vulnerable to ask for what you want than to hint. Asking directly means that you can be rejected or mocked or disregarded. Some of us don’t feel safe revealing too much of ourselves, even separate from relationship issues.

Maybe we’ve got some big hidden secrets that we’ve never shared with our spouse, and so sharing ANYTHING that touches on something very personal seems scary because it means we may have to reveal even more than we want (this is often how porn use, for instance, gets reinforced. To become vulnerable about anything is too scary because the porn use may be revealed, or the shame that is contributing to the porn use in the first place could have light shed on it. Light can be scary.

But it isn’t always sin issues that we’re running from. When we’ve never been truly accepted in our families of origin, or we have insecure attachment patterns to people, then becoming vulnerable can almost paralyze us.

In these cases, a licensed counselor can be a godsend. Go by yourself first, and then go as a couple. You weren’t meant to go through life feeling as if you have to hide.

Practical Issues: You don’t have the bandwidth to bring something up

Perhaps it’s not that you can’t speak directly and ask for what you want; it’s that you honestly don’t have the energy or the time to even deal with the issues. Maybe you need to have a big talk about toxic in-laws, or about how in debt you are, but the whole thing is just overwhelming because you also are working separate shifts, or you have three kids under three, or you have some special needs children or parents who need caring for.

You’re at the end of your rope, and even though you could ask for things or talk about how you’re feeling, what would be the point? You’re exhausted, and it would just show you even more vividly that you can’t have the life you want or need right now.

We’ll be talking about this through the month of September, when we talk about how to stop doing life on hard mode (as much as possible).

Spiritual Issues: Women hesitate because we feel it’s not our role and it’s a sin to speak directly.

Finally, here’s a big one that affects many of us: you don’t speak up because you feel like it’s disrespectful or unsubmissive to do so. To talk about what you need or want is actually a sin, or at least verges on it. Your role, as a wife, is to submit to what your husband wants, not make the marriage about what you want.

The only problem is that you do actually have legitimate wants and needs, and so the only way to get them met is to speak passive aggressively, rather than directly. To be direct is a sin, and so women try to beat around the bush and try everything else they can to ask for what they want–without actually asking.

 

Whether it’s Emerson Eggerichs in Love & Respect telling women they must ignore their intuition and follow their husbands’ authority, or John Piper telling a woman that she can’t give a man directions to the highway; she should instead give “suggestions” so as not to demean his masculinity, many of us don’t have a clue how to speak directly without sinning.

We’ll look later this month at how this whole idea that women must respect men unconditionally actually fosters passive aggressive communication and manipulation, and doesn’t lead to healthy dynamics at all.

How to learn to use direct communication

This month we’re going to focus on #1, or learning the skills for speaking directly, and #5, or why women often feel inhibited from speaking directly. We’ll concentrate on #4, or bandwidth issues, in September. I’ll also make passing reference to some of the other ones, but for those, I’d focus on these two series:

The emotional health and maturity seriesThe iron sharpening iron series

We’ll look at the difference between being direct and being mean; how to ask for what you want, and more!

 

 

So as we launch in, I’d love to know: Which of these 5 issues do you think  most affects you (assuming one of them does?) Let’s talk in the comments!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts On the Mars Hill Podcast and The Things We Do to Women

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The post DIRECT COMMUNICATION Series: 5 Reasons Why It’s So Hard to Say What You Want appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Love and Respect is Being Recommended to Coerce Women into BDSM Relationships

Can we please stop pretending that Love & Respect empowers women?

I get the best stuff from readers who send me links, etc.. And this weekend a male reader, who has been doing some research into domestic violence, sent me his notes after watching a YouTube video of a BDSM talk given at a huge men’s conference last year. The book Love & Respect was highly recommended as a “gateway” to get your wife to submit sexually in a BDSM style relationship.

I’m going to get to that in a minute, but first allow me to give some background:

For two and a half years now, I’ve been trying to draw attention to how dangerous the book Love & Respect is.

In fact, it was reading that book that inspired us to write The Great Sex Rescue–to try to measure the harm that is being done by specific teachings in bestselling evangelical sex and marriage books.

In The Great Sex Rescue, our critiques focus on how author Emerson Eggerichs handled sex–how he made it entirely into a male need, and never once mentioned that women can feel pleasure or that women can want sex, too. Instead, he said things like, “if your husband is typical, he has a need you don’t have.” He talked about how sex is about a man’s physical release (while women don’t need that). He talked about how men will come under satanic attack if deprived of release (and presumably have affairs as well). He said nothing about intimacy; nothing about a woman’s pleasure; nothing about a woman’s right to say no.

We included all this in The Great Sex Rescue, noting that Love & Respect literally scored 0/48 on our 12-point rubric of healthy sexuality (while other Christian books, like The Gift of Sex by the Penners or Boundaries in Marriage, scored 47/48 and 42/48 respectively). It was very possible to score well, but he literally could not have been worse.

(Download our rubric and scorecard here). 

The Great Sex RescueChanging the conversation about sex & marriage in the evangelical church. What if you're NOT the problem with your sex life?

What if the things that you've been taught have messed things up--and what if there's a way to escape these messages?

Welcome to the Great Sex Rescue. Order Now! But as bad as his treatment of sex was, that is actually not my primary concern with Emerson Eggerichs’ Love & Respect or with Eggerichs’ ministry.

What I am really concerned about is abuse. 

Ever since I started writing about Love & Respect, I have had women send me their stories of how this book enabled their abuse. I have collected over 1000 of them now. The 20,000 women who took our survey named Love & Respect as the most harmful resource (and we didn’t have a drop down menu where they could choose the book; it was an open-ended question).

My big critique reading Love & Respect is that women are being told that they must “respect” their husbands, which equals submitting to their authority and speaking respectfully. That means that they cannot bring up anything that is wrong in the marriage, but they must listen to any critiques their husbands have of their disrespectful behaviour. In fact, in the appendix Eggerichs gives a model for what women should do if their husbands are doing something that endangers the marriage and family, such as extreme workaholism. They should say 2-3 sentences in a pleasant voice, couched with praise, and then say nothing else for 10-20 days about it.

That’s not iron sharpening iron. That’s enabling bad behaviour. That’s leaving her absolutely helpless if there are major problems in the marriage (and indeed, in the book, he says that she must offer unconditional respect, which includes sex on demand, even if he is “drinking and straying”, or even if he has “withering rage” so much so that she wants to “get away and hide.”)

She had no recourse. He gets to define what is good or bad about her behaviour; she doesn’t get to say anything at all because she must be in submission to him.

If she asks him to stop putting wet towels on the bed (seriously, even leaving them on the floor is better), she’s disrespectful and he’s justified in withholding love. If she gets upset that he forgot her birthday, she’s disrespectful. Any time that she is upset at him for something that he did, she is being disrespectful. So she has absolutely no way of asking for change in the marriage.

When I have raised these issues, I have been told that I am misrespresenting the book.

Focus on the Family specifically said, in their statement where they lied about me, that Love & Respect contains a “biblically sound, empowering message for husbands and wives.” (their statement is linked in mine, though they never directly link to me. You can read my statement and theirs here).

I have had so many people (especially men) tell me that the book is the best marriage book that they have ever read, and it saved their marriage.

That very well may be true; we talked in this podcast (starting around minute 33) about what makes some marriage books help, even though they also harm a number of people.

Please also see:Is it okay if marriage books only harm some?Why I am not trying to cancel other marriage authors

But setting up a marriage dynamic where he can label anything he doesn’t like “disrespectful”, while she is unable to raise any issues that are making her uncomfortable without being called unsubmissive, is inherently unhealthy because it sets up marriage as a power-over dynamic. It gives him power over her to define the relationship and make corrections, while she is entirely unable to do anything to bring up her own issues.

If she’s married to a good and generous man that may not have ill-effects. But for many couples, this gives him a heady sense of power, and gives her a real sense of helplessness.

Others keep telling me that I am wrong; that the book is empowering to women because submission is empowering to women.

But now I have validation from a very unusual source.

BDSM practitioners and trainers are recommending Love & Respect as a gateway to convince women to participate in these relationships.

I am going to try to keep the rest of this post as clean as I can, and I have decided not to link the YouTube video here (although if anyone wants proof of what I’m saying, if you email me I’ll send you the link). I just don’t want to promote this stuff, or send people onto rabbit trails they really don’t want to go on.

But let me try to set the stage for what was going on.

*** And MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING. I’m not going to discuss the sexual acts very much below, but I am going to sketch out what we’re talking about. ***

The 21 Convention is billed as the men’s convention of the century. It’s going to be taking place in October 2021 in Orlando, with a stream for fathers and for men, as well as for women (“Make Women Great Again”). It’s about reinstating the patriarchy. (That’s not my critique of their conference; that’s actually on their promo materials).

In advertising it, they’ve posted some videos from their 2020 convention, and one such video is of a talk given by a man in a dominant sexual relationship with his wife. He has a very large website promoting this lifestyle, which, again, I will not name. This talk was about the benefits of a BDSM type relationship and marriage, and how it is the more natural form and makes everyone happier. Think 50 Shades of Grey on steroids. He has complete control over her, and can order her around and threaten to leave if she doesn’t comply; she has to comply in everything. And he physically punishes her if she doesn’t. Sex is a dominant-submissive thing, where he inflicts pain.

(Not all BDSM relationships are violent; I’m summarizing from his talk. And this post is not meant to be a treatise on the ethics of BDSM, but merely how Love & Respect intersects with it.

In addition, anyone who is pro-BDSM should also be outraged by what I’m about to say, because BDSM is supposed to be completely consensual–you shouldn’t have to convince your wife. I’m also not critiquing things like blindfolding someone or anything like that–merely the power-over marriage dynamic that is being set up here.). 

In this particular talk, he’s discussing the benefits of this type of relationship, which is often written as D/s (or Dominant/submissive; The D is capitalized because it’s dominant, while the s isn’t because it’s submissive).

Here is some of what he’s saying (and I’ve taken out the swearing and really sexual stuff, which is the majority of the talk):

He talks about how sex dried up in marriage because he neglected to lead. “The king abdicated the throne.”They did a Total Power Exchange: she trusts him enough to give up all her power and control.This fits with “masculine and feminine energy”, and is “The Natural Order”“She refers to me as her warrior. I am her warrior. I’m also her master. . . . We do a little master/slave stuff, where she literally is my slave. And sometimes we’ll carry that on for a week or two.”“Your girl follows you around like a lovesick puppy for a month after a couple of these sessions. You’re a god. You literally are a god.”

Believe me, this is extremely truncated, but I just want to give you an idea of what we’re talking about: A relationship where the husband has total power, and the wife must obey him, to the point of being his slave. He feels like “a god” in the relationship. 

Then, at the end, he switches to answering the question, “how do you introduce this to your wife?”

Here’s his answer:

“There’s a great book out there written by a guy named Emerich [sic] and it’s called Love and Respect. And it’s got some blue pill stuff in it. It’s written by a pastor, so it’s got some biblical things; so if your wife or girl’s got some little biblical stuff in her past, it might resonate with her. But it talks about, from a biblical standpoint, of women submitting to their men. It’s her duty to respect you; and it’s a man’s duty to love her…I call it, D/s 101 for rookies, for newbies. Give your wife that book and let her read it, see if it works for her…It will get you closer to where you want to be than not reading it at all.”

Do we get the significance of this?

I am not arguing that Emerson Eggerichs promotes BDSM relationships; but the fact that BDSM practitioners consider his book a gateway to convince unsettled wives should tell us something.

If Love & Respect were a book which truly empowered women, it could not be used by BDSM practitioners to convince women to surrender all power to their husbands.

If Love & Respect truly is about mutuality, it could not be used to convince women to enter into a relationship where her husband is her god.

If Love & Respect truly is about both partners giving for the other, it could not be used as a gateway into a relationship where one person completely surrenders to the other’s wishes.

If Love & Respect taught women how to speak up and advocate for their own legitimate needs, it could not be used as a gateway where she willingly ignores all her needs. 

Again–I’m not trying to comment on BDSM, and I know some BDSM practitioners won’t like my characterizations here. My only purpose is to show that the whole argument that Love & Respect empowers BOTH husbands and wives, as Focus on the Family said, is complete and utter bunk.

It’s garbage.

It needs to be called out.

The only way you can say that Love & Respect empowers women is if you believe that giving up all of her power and living in total submission to another human being is actually empowering.

And I think that this is what Focus on the Family, and Eggerichs, truly believe is true for women. They think that women can only be empowered and can only live a full life if they stop trying to live a life at all, and simply surrender to their husbands.

They actually don’t see a problem with a relationship where the husband has all the power and the wife has none. They agree that this is “The Natural Order.”

That’s the only explanation I can find for how reticent they are to listening to the thousands upon thousands of women who have cried out that this book has hurt them and made abuse worse.

We now have BDSM practitioners saying that Love & Respect is an awesome gateway book to help convince your wife to be your slave.

What else do we need?

Is anyone listening?

For more information on the harms of Love & Respect:Please read my Open Letter about Love & Respect to Focus on the Family.Read how Emerson Eggerichs gaslights abuse victims in his sermons–or watch our YouTube podcast about itDownload our rubric and scorecard to see why Love & Respect scored 0/48 on our 12-point measure of healthy sexuality teachingThe Great Sex Rescue analyzes the unhealthy teaching about sexuality and puts us back on the right track

What do you think? What will it take to get people to see that a power-over dynamic in marriage is harmful? Is the conversation around Love & Respect changing where you are?

Let’s talk in the comments!

Other Posts in our Love and Respect Series:THE MUST READ: An Open Letter to Focus on the Family about Love & Respect and Emerson EggerichsA Review of Love and Respect: How the Book Gets Sex Horribly WrongLove and Respect: Why Unconditional Respect Can’t WorkThe Ultimate Flaw in the Book Love and Respect: Jesus Isn’t at the CenterDissecting a Sermon Series where Emerson Eggerichs Gaslights Abuse VictimsIs It Okay if Christian Marriage Books are Just a Little Bit Harmful?Love & Respect is Being Used by the BDSM Community to Convince Wives to Submit to DominationPODCAST: Why Unconditional Respect Isn't a Thing (and how the verse the book is based on, and the survey data the book is based on, don't hold water).PODCAST: An Example from Eggerichs' blog of Eggerichs Gaslighting Women (we work through line by line)PODCAST: Dissecting Eggerichs' Love & Respect Sermons at Houston's First Baptist Church, with His Dismissal of AbusePODCAST: Our Love & Respect Wrap UpI’m Passing the Torch on Love & Respect. 10 Ways You Can Pick it UpPlus our Resource Pages:Summary Page of Issues in Love & RespectResources to let others know of your concerns about Love & Respect Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts How the “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” Model Left Women So Emotionally Vulnerable

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The Day I WASN’T Called a Jezebel–But I Am in It!

Women who try to challenge the status quo and fight against abuse are often labelled “jezebels”.

I’ve been called it plenty of times–told i have a “jezebel spirit”, even though there’s no such thing in Scripture (and even though no man is ever accused of having an “Ahab spirit”).

We laugh about it so much that I’ve at times thought of ordering Jezebel mugs and mailing them to some of my social media contacts whenever I see the name hurled at them.

Which is why I thought it was so funny–and rather ironic–that the website Jezebel wrote an AMAZING lengthy feature about The Great Sex Rescue.

I had a lovely time being interviewed by the author of the piece, Sarah Stankorb. She was thorough and compassionate and asked all the right questions, and was able to write such a great, in-depth story of our book.

It’s the kind of thing that I’ve been hoping would be published in Christian media, but instead it seems to be the secular media that will talk about our book, even though it’s selling very well and making a buzz.

Titled “‘I Didn’t Want to Deny My Husband His Marital Rights’: For Many Evangelical Women, Sex Comes With Pain and Anxiety”, Sarah opens with a story of a woman struggling with sex to put our book in the proper context, and then writes about how purity culture, and the teachings about sex in marriage in the evangelical world, often set women up for sex that is filled with anxiety and pain (and even coercion).

Here’s part of what she wrote about us:

But a similar probe of evangelical sexual teachings within marriage is long overdue. Faithful girls grew up into women who believed marriage mandated perpetual sexual availability, that their sexual performance would protect their husbands from straying, from sinning. A study of thousands of Christian women published in the book The Great Sex Rescue suggests the consequences of some influential, evangelical marital sexual teachings are just as scarring, long-lasting, and in some ways, more problematic. The damaging shadow of teen purity lessons still lingers and expectations around sex in marriage last a lifetime, impacting Christian women’s everyday interactions with their husbands.

Among the popular books that shaped this mindset is Every Man’s Battle, a book released in 2000 (with multiple subsequent variations such as Every Young Man’s Battle, Every Single Man’s Battle, Preparing Your Son for Every Man’s Battle, plus a 2020 anniversary workbook edition). Every Man’s Battle promised a practical, detailed plan for men who desire sexual purity and argued “the prevalence of sexual sin among men” was derived “naturally—simply by being male.” The authors assert that due to sperm production, men naturally desire “sexual release about every forty-eight to seventy-two hours,” leaving them highly susceptible to temptation within three days of their last ejaculation. And temptation lurks everywhere: from lingerie ads to female joggers, beer commercials, movies, and even receptionists.

The flipside of evangelical purity culture stressed that through marriage, women can help their husbands keep from losing in their war against temptation, or so the theory goes. Immediately upon the wedding night, women are expected to transform from a chaste protector of purity into an eager sexual partner geared to prevent her husband’s sinful eyes from straying. As Every Man’s Battle put it, “your wife can be a methadone-like fix when your temperature is rising.”

Sarah Stankorb

I Didn't Want to Deny My Husband His Marital Rights, Jezebel.com

Then she starts really talking about book, mixed in with other analysis of what’s happening on the ground. I honestly don’t even know what to quote, it’s all so good.

She shares our stats well:

There are many links between a sense of obligation, coercion, and marital rape, but this is not a distinction widely made within Christian marriage and sex books. His Needs, Her Needs included a quote from a man who complained “I feel like a fool—like I’m begging her or even raping her, but I can’t help it. I need to make love!” As Gregoire and her co-authors write, “We are supposed to have sympathy for the man who feels like he’s raping his wife, but not for the woman enduring it.”

In The Great Sex Rescue, Gregoire and her co-authors’ survey showed when women enter a marriage believing they are obligated to have sex with their husbands whenever their husbands want it, they are 37 percent more likely to experience sexual pain and 29 percent less likely to frequently orgasm. When asked how they feel after sex, 16 percent of women in a follow-up survey chose the word “used.” For women who believed, prior to marriage, that a wife is obligated to give her husband sex when he wants it, vaginismus and dyspareunia rates go up 37 percent.

Sarah Stankorb

"I Didn't Want to Deny My Husband His Marital Rights"

And she also talked about the controversy around the book:

Since its publication, The Great Sex Rescue has been met with gratitude from many readers who see their own struggles mirrored in its pages, but also dismissal and public scorn from evangelical leaders. After publishing a compilation of women’s comments, including those who said Love & Respect enabled abuse, The Great Sex Rescue’s authors sent them to Focus on the Family, which published and still promotes the book. Focus on the Family issued a statement saying Gregoire, a former Focus on the Family Broadcast guest, had “orchestrated a concerted campaign against the book Love & Respect,” and “Focus on the Family maintains that Love & Respect has a biblically sound, empowering message for husbands and wives…” (italics original). Gregoire and For Women Only author Shaunti Feldhahn wound up sharing dueling statements over The Great Sex Rescue’s conclusions about Feldhahn’s work.

Mark Gungor, a pastor who offers comedic marriage seminars, including with military chaplains, blasted Gregoire on social media. Gungor called her “disgusting” and “arrogant” and suggested she believes she can “lift yourself up by tearing others down.”

Sarah Stankorb

"I Didn't Want to Deny My Husband His Marital Rights"

It was really affirming to see the story of our book in a big feature, and I thank Sarah so much for writing it. Please, please, read the whole thing!

Read the whole thing! The Great Sex RescueChanging the conversation about sex & marriage in the evangelical church. What if you're NOT the problem with your sex life?

What if the things that you've been taught have messed things up--and what if there's a way to escape these messages?

Welcome to the Great Sex Rescue. Order Now!

Again, I’m so grateful for Sarah for taking the lead on this article and thinking this was a story that needed to be written. I hope that Christian publications will soon think that it deserves to be told, too.

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts On Elisabeth Elliot’s Terrible Courtship–and Dating Men “Sold Out for Jesus”

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More Podcasts for Your Playlist!

Usually on Thursdays I post the new episode of The Bare Marriage podcast.

But we’ve taken July off to get a bit of a break (we’ll be back next week!), and so instead I’ve been posting links to episodes of OTHER people’s podcasts I’ve been on.

Seriously, I’ve recorded about 150 or so podcasts with others these last few months, so there are a ton to pick from.

Today I thought I’d start with something different:

The Folding Chair Theology Podcast Reviews The Great Sex Rescue

 

I found this one because they tagged me on Instagram (thank you!). It’s a podcast normally done by two guys, but this time they had their wives join them as they talked about their takeaways from reading The Great Sex Rescue. 

It was so fun to hear other people’s perspectives! They told the story of premarital counseling, where the pastor told them he would come home and announce to his wife, “I’m going to need it tonight,” so that she has the evening to prepare. This was presented as a good thing. 

And they concluded, “It sounds simple, but it gets ingrained in your head. You’re not told that it’s supposed to be mutual, and good for everyone, and loving.” Yep. 

Lots of great stuff here! Thank you, guys, for reading the book and talking about it.

Listen in! The Naked Gospel: Let’s Talk Orgasm Gap

 

The Naked Gospel is a podcast aimed mostly at millennials to get back to authenticity about faith and struggles. I had a lot of fun with this one, and it became one of their most listened to podcasts, so they invited me back and we recorded another one on Tuesday (it’s not released yet). 

Here’s how they describe this episode: 

“Sheila Gregoire joins us to talk about the sexual disconnect between men and women, and what it looks like to for men and women to actually know and be known by one another. Sheila and Shane talk through the orgasm gap, erectile dysfunction, vaginismus, and so much more!”

Listen in! The Great Sex RescueChanging the conversation about sex & marriage in the evangelical church. What if you're NOT the problem with your sex life?

What if the things that you've been taught have messed things up--and what if there's a way to escape these messages?

Welcome to the Great Sex Rescue. Order Now!

And then today I thought I’d highlight more Bare Marriage podcasts, since people keep telling me their favourites!

Bare Marriage: Let’s Talk Periods

We did a series last summer on periods, and one person told me that that was their favourite! So here’s a podcast on periods f you missed it!

Listen in! Bare Marriage: Episode 79–Can We Stop Talking about Lust & Stumbling Blocks?

I was going to link to this episode where Rebecca and i get super passionate and talk about how we need to stop talking about girls’ bodies being stumbling blocks for men. And then I got a bunch of emails from people telling me to link to episode 79. I went and looked it up—and it was the one I was already planning on talking about! So I guess people really loved this one.

Have to admit–this is one of my favourites, too.

Listen in! Bare Marriage: Episode 83–Talking Back to Purity Culture

We had so much great feedback on this episode that featured Rachel Joy Welcher talking about her book Talking Back to Purity Culture. We’ve all become great mutual fans of each other since talking on this podcast, and we’re together on twitter all the time now, too! So I thought I’d share this one:

Listen in! So there you go! Lots to listen to.

As I said, we’ll be back next week with a new Bare Marriage season. I’ve got several themes planned, including some for singles, mental health, mindfulness (and how that affects sex), and so much more. 

Again, let me know what your favourite podcasts are. And if you have a podcast you listen to where you think I’d make a great guest, be sure to suggest me to the host! 

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts Did You Set Boundaries for Yourself as a Teenager?

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On the Mars Hill Podcast and The Things We Do to Women

Episode 5 of the Mars Hill Podcast is delving into how Mark Driscoll taught about sex. Wow.

For those of you who don’t know, Mars Hill was a megachurch and a network of satellite churches in the early 2000s in the Pacific Northwest, centered in Seattle, founded by pastor Mark Driscoll. He was famous for his hyper masculine style, and known as the cussing preacher.

He also was a bully, and the church fell apart when elders tried to reign him in and hold him accountable for unchristlike behavior. He quit, and his family moved down to Arizona where he has started a new church (and where there are even more horrifying allegations).

When he left, some of the satellite churches went independent, but many just dissolved. And thousands left the church entirely. It was a mess.

But that Mars Hill mess was avoidable, and that’s what Christianity Today has been exploring in a series of podcasts.

Called “The Rise and Fall of Mars Hill”, they’ve been interviewing insiders and trying to paint the picture of how things went so bad.

Okay, that’s the background.

Now, let’s talk about what makes this pressing today.

Yesterday an episode dropped about sex.

We actually included some quotes from Mark Driscoll in The Great Sex Rescue as evidence of how common the harmful teachings we deconstructed were. It was Mark Driscoll who called women “penis homes” and told women they should gratefully drop on their needs to “service” their husbands or repent. That’s all in our book.

Episode 5 talks about all of this, and so, so many people are tagging me on social media telling me about it. I’m very grateful when people send me things that may be interesting to me, because it’s often the only way I hear about it. I don’t spend a lot of time on news sites or perusing social media feeds because I’m so busy, so I tend to only see things if people send me links (and thankfully lots do).

And this one is blowing up all my inboxes right now, because everyone is saying it’s right up my alley–and it sounds like it is.

Only thing is I haven’t listened to it yet.

I know I will, but it’s a really busy month with a writing deadline, and I know I’m going to find the episode triggering.

Just likely not why everyone thinks.

Hearing what Mark said won’t be triggering; I know it all, and I’m kind of immune to that right now. Seriously, most of what I do is look at horrible quotes in books (we’re now at a whole new level of horrible as we look at quotes in books aimed at teenage girls for our new book), and very, very little can surprise me or shock me. And I’ve already heard what Mark said anyway.

What I’m scared of is that the conversation seems to be revolving around how bad Mark is, and I’m afraid people won’t make the connection that none of what he says was in isolation or was different from what is in our evangelical bestsellers.

Here’s part of what we said about Mark Driscoll in the book:

Now-disgraced former megachurch pastor Mark Driscoll said this in a 2007 sermon in Edinburgh about how a wife should “repent” of the “terrible sin” of not giving oral sex:

She [the wife] says, “I’ve never performed oral sex on my husband. I’ve refused to.” I said, “You need to go home and tell your husband that you’ve met Jesus and you’ve been studying the Bible, and that you’re convicted of a terrible sin in your life. And then you need to drop his trousers, and you need to serve your husband. And when he asks why, say, ‘Because I’m a repentant woman. God has changed my heart and I’m supposed to be a biblical wife.’” She says, “Really?” I said, “Yeah. First Peter three says if your husband is an unbeliever to serve him with deeds of kindness.”

We believe oral sex can be a healthy part of couples’ sex lives, provided both of you are comfortable with it. But cross-centered sex means that making love needs to be about serving and loving. To frame it as Driscoll does here, and to use Bible verses to manipulate her into giving him oral sex, strips the wife of her dignity. Driscoll has lost much of his credibility in the church, partly because of statements like this. We wonder, though, why so many authors of books can say similar things without being similarly discredited. Is it only that we do not like hearing it out loud?

The Great Sex Rescue, p. 212

It’s that highlighted part that’s so important to me: what he said is not different from what is in our bestsellers. Why is it that we allow it in books, but notice it when it’s said aloud?

One of my theories is that it’s mostly women reading the books, and women don’t have a way to speak up and be heard. When it’s said out loud in mixed company, it can become more obvious that it’s a problem.

One Twitter thread on Mars Hill put it this way:

One example: the Driscoll quote - “If you reach men, you reach everyone else.”

It would seem that Driscoll loved teaching on gender and sexuality, and this line leaves us in no doubt as to whose experience will be foregrounded, favoured and prioritised in his church.

— Eliza B (@morebyreaping) July 28, 2021

Had Driscoll involved women in these discussions appropriately, I can promise you that he would have come to vastly different (and vastly more accurate, and vastly less abusive) conclusions about how the sexes should relate to one another effectively.

— Eliza B (@morebyreaping) July 28, 2021

These limitations combined with the staunchly male hierarchy made women uniquely vulnerable within that church community. How could a woman, then, stand up to Driscoll (or any male authority) or give an opposing viewpoint? She'd lose everything - her whole community, her life.

— Eliza B (@morebyreaping) July 28, 2021

Later on, she ends her thread with a recommendation for our book:

If you’re looking for an antidote to the toxicity of the Driscoll approach to gender and sexuality, look no further than @sheilagregoire’s The Great Sex Rescue.

As she says here, it truly is ‘validating and healing’.https://t.co/MeXgRQsjBo

— Eliza B (@morebyreaping) July 28, 2021

What we learn from Mars Hill is that when women are excluded, Christianity can develop a sex fetish. 

Imagine being a young man growing up in Mars Hill, hearing that once you’re married, your wife owes  you sex–and not just any sex. She needs to “service” you or she’s in sin. 

How many young men flocked to that church because they could almost glory in their sexual desires and lusts because they were manly, and they knew that if they picked a Mars Hill woman, she’d be constantly taught that her main duty as a Christian wife was to put out as often as possible?

This happened at Mars Hill. But it also happened in the wider evangelical community. It’s still happening right now, which is why we had to write The Great Sex Rescue. 

The Great Sex RescueChanging the conversation about sex & marriage in the evangelical church. What if you're NOT the problem with your sex life?

What if the things that you've been taught have messed things up--and what if there's a way to escape these messages?

Welcome to the Great Sex Rescue. Order Now!

As I said, I will likely listen to episode 5 soon.

I know it features great people, like Rachael Denhollander and Sarah Bessey. I wish they had asked to interview us, frankly, because we could have given them numbers to go along with the discussion–like how many women actually believe these harmful messages; what happens to orgasm rates when certain of these messages are believed; what’s the real cause of sexless marriages.

I hope that one day Christian media as a whole recognizes what a treasure trove of data we’re sitting on, and how much data is in The Great Sex Rescue. We truly did something new, and it does make me sad when people miss the opportunity to mention it.

In the academic world we’re getting some buzz, and I’ll tell you more about that soon. Joanna and I have been handpicked, along with a pelvic floor physiotherapy prof, to deliver a big address to the huge Physiotherapy conference in San Antonio, Texas next February on religious women and vaginismus, and what we found were the big contributing factors. And our data set will be available for all academics to use soon. But somehow the Christian world isn’t catching on.

If anyone has any ideas, let me know.

But here’s something you can do to help me:

Whenever you see a reporter or influencer or big podcaster posting about something like this, tag me in it! Let them know about our research and that I’d make a great guest/great someone to interview. I do get a lot of interviews that way.

So tag me! Keep sending me this stuff.

And give episode 5 a listen and let me know in the comments here what you thought. Did they loop it into the wider evangelical culture? Did they criticize the people who endorsed his marriage book and hold them to account? I’d love to know!

UPDATE: I’ve now written my own Twitter thread about this.

If you’re on Twitter, like and retweet to help it get seen! I’d love to get some more podcast interviews on this, or be covered more in the Christian press. And click through to read the thread!

Let me add some numbers to the most recent @CTmagazine Mars Hill podcast, "The Things We Do to Women"?

That podcast was devastating, and delved into the horrible way Mark Driscoll talked about sex and women at Mars Hill.

Here's what our study found:

— Sheila Gregoire--The Great Sex Rescue is here! (@sheilagregoire) July 28, 2021

Have you listened to episode 5 yet? What were your thoughts? Do you think the evangelical world is waking up to this stuff? Let’s talk in the comments!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts A Real MIshMash of Podcasts for the Week!

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On Elisabeth Elliot’s Terrible Courtship–and Dating Men “Sold Out for Jesus”

Jul 26, 2021 | 115 Comments

Elisabeth Elliot's book Passion and Purity is NOT a love story. These last few weeks I've been...

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How the “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” Model Left Women So Emotionally Vulnerable

Just because you’re not going to date doesn’t mean you don’t get your heart broken.

My article yesterday on how Elisabeth Elliot’s courtship with Jim sounds quite toxic and unfair to Elisabeth blew up on Facebook and social media. Most were in agreement that we really need to revisit the book Passion and Purity because what it’s showing to be a healthy relationship is anything but.

As the discussions started happening everywhere, though, there was one theme that emerged that I’d like to comment on a little more. I don’t have time to write a big article this morning because I’m running really late for some interviews, but let me throw this out as food for thought.

So much advice to young people during purity culture told them that they would protect their hearts if they only “courted”–or dated once they were ready to be married.

Until then,  you could have friend groups, but nothing romantic.

But this puts young girls who are really interested in someone at a distinct disadvantage. Let’s say you like someone, and you think they like you back. They text you at all hours. They sit next to you on buses. They grab a meal with you occasionally.

But you have absolutely no idea where you stand. Does he like you back? Does he think you’re just a friend? You don’t know. And because you’re not supposed to date, he never has to tell you what he’s thinking, and you’re not allowed to ask him to define the relationship. So you go on like this, never knowing, and being strung along, sometimes for years.

Here’s how Rebecca’s describing it in the mother-daughter book we’re writing (this is from the chapter on dating):

For many of us, the flawed logic of the “don’t date until you can marry the guy or else you’ll get your heart broken” mantra of the mid 2000s fell apart pretty quickly. The house of cards toppled for me (Rebecca) when I realized that not dating wasn’t sparing me heartache–it was just stopping guys who were flirting with me from making any real commitment. I still got my heart broken, but the guy got off scot free because “Well, we weren’t dating.”

On Twitter, that’s what many young women commented on with regards to Passion & Purity. One woman called these “friendationships.” You feel like you’re in a relationship, because you spend a lot of time together, he shares intimacies, you know him really well, but he’s never actually declared his feelings, and you have nothing to hold him to.

And often these “friendationships” end with no warning, and your heart is just as broken as if you had been dating.

Part of the problem with the model that Elisabeth Elliot was promoting is that women are never allowed to ask men to define the relationship.

A guy can have the benefits of a relationship without ever having to commit to exclusivity, or without ever having to clarify his future plans. She can continue to hope against hope that this relationship will someday go somewhere, but he doesn’t have to actually say anything to assure her of this.

And this is largely a gender based thing! Because women are never allowed to take the lead in relationships or speak up about their affections, but must always make the man go first (Elliot makes a big deal about this in Passion & Purity), there is absolutely nothing she can do when she is being strung along. The guy, on the other hand, is free to start a relationship conversation with the woman. So he’s never as helpless.

What this means is that for women, far more than for men, relationships become about a spiritual wrestling.

She can’t speak up and ask him to define the relationship. She is at the whim of when he texts her; when he wants to see her; what he wants to tell her.

The only thing she can do is pray.

That’s why Passion & Purity is far more a book about a woman wrestling with God about whether or not she trusts him enough than it is about a courtship. It was that lesson that I think Elisabeth Elliot was trying to teach girls–that if you want to be married, you need to make sure you’re completely satisfied with Jesus first.

Dating, then, becomes a test of how much you love Jesus. If you want a successful relationship, you have to “put it on the altar” and sacrifice it. You have to turn it over to God (how many girls have written men’s names on scraps of paper and put them in a basket during an altar call at a retreat, when we’re told to give it all to Him?) You have to relinquish it.

For girls, dating is a praying, begging, relinquishing, spiritual experience far more than it ever is for boys, because girls can’t make anything happen on the relationship front. All we can do is pray. And so that’s what we do, and our journals are full of it all.

And this whole dichotomy allows men to string women along because they never promised anything.

Catherine and Peter Marshall’s relationship had much of the same “stringing along” as Jim and Elisabeth Elliot’s. In fact, so many of our revered and idolized couples look the same. He’s a powerful, charismatic man, and she’s enamoured with him, and he loves having a woman hang on his every word, but he’s not going to commit until he absolutely has to. And so he can use her and break her heart again and again and again and it’s still somehow considered Christian.

I’m not sure there’s a way to end this unhealthy dynamic except for women to start speaking up earlier and saying, “you’re either in this or you’re not, and if you’re not, I’m leaving.”

I think that’s what it’s going to take–women exercising boundaries and knowing our worth. But because we’ve overspiritualized relationships so much for women, it’s far more likely that she’ll internalize all of this as a test of her faith rather than as a litmus test for the possible health of any future relationships.

Being strung along, where he has all the benefits of a relationship but none of the responsibilities, is not healthy and is not of Christ.

We need to start calling out “friendationships” for what they are. They aren’t fair to the partner with less power–the partner who isn’t supposed to speak up and ask to define the relationship. They aren’t godly.

The worst I’ve ever felt in a dating relationship was when I was a “friendationship.” My girls will tell you the same thing. It’s awful.

I don’t know how to change it, but I do think we should stop overspiritualizing these types of relationships and calling them out for what they are.

 

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What do you think? Have you ever been in a “friendationship”? How did it make you feel? Let’s talk about it in the comments!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts Can Christians Use Sex Toys?

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