Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 29
June 28, 2021
Painful Sex: 6 Conditions Other Than Vaginismus That Can Make Sex Hurt
This month, for the pelvic floor series, we’ve been talking about painful sex and how to treat it, and looking at why evangelical women experience painful sex at more than twice the rate of the general population.
Usually when sex hurts, vaginismus, an involuntary condition where the muscles of the vaginal wall contract, is the culprit.
But I’ve received emails this month from women experiencing pain during sex without having vaginismus, and so I’d like to share today some of the other conditions that can make sex hurt. Please don’t read these and diagnose yourself with all of them! Several are very rare. I just want you to be aware of what these conditions are, in case you do have something to talk to your doctor about.
UPDATE:Before I get into the medical conditions, so many on social media have reminded me that the main reason is lack of arousal! Absolutely. I talk about this all the time that I see it in a different category and so didn’t mention it here. But chapter 4 in The Great Sex Rescue is all about the problems with lack of arousal. If you aren’t aroused, sex can hurt!
In this post, though, we’re going to look at medical issues that can cause intercourse to become painful. For most experiencing some pain and discomfort, though, the problem may simply be lack of arousal.
Problems with the Vulva VestibuleThe vulva vestibule is the area between the labia minora, including the urethral opening (where urine comes from), the vaginal opening, and the clitoris. Different conditions can affect this area, including bacterial and yeast infections; inflammation; atrophy (where tissue and muscle gets weak and thin); muscle problems (vaginismus); and nerve problems. Let’s look at these in turn.
For help with vaginismus, please see the posts on the causes of vaginismus and how to overcome and treat vaginismus. 1. Malformations of the hymen (anatomic problems)The hymen is a thin membrane partially covering the opening of the vagina. In the normal course of life events, the hymen opens progressively more, and intercourse usually opens it entirely (although often it’s broken from intense physical activity earlier in life).
Some women, though, have thicker hymens than usual, and intercourse doesn’t break them. Some women have only a small opening that allows for menstrual blood and other discharge to leave the vagina, and may even allow insertion of a slender tampon, but that’s it.
And some women may not realize this until after they’re married.
A normal and thorough check-up by a physician would normally catch this before you’re married so that you can have the hymen surgically removed. If it isn’t caught until afterwards, the surgery is not difficult and the recovery is quite quick.
With vaginismus, the penis would be able to come into contact with the vagina, but then would not be able to go any further, and you’d feel the pain in your muscles. With a hymen issue, the penis wouldn’t even penetrate to reach the vagina, and you’d feel more of a stinging sensation.
2. Recurrent Infections and Vaginitis (problems with an infectious root)One of the big causes of discomfort or a stinging sensation during intercourse may be UTIs and yeast infections. And unfortunately these two often go together. You take antibiotics to get rid of the UTI, and that can cause a yeast infection!
I’ve known women who have been on this roller coaster for years, where intercourse seems to trigger the UTI, and they’re also extremely susceptible to yeast infections.
If you’re having recurrent infections, please talk to your physician about this and seek extra help. You may benefit from changing your diet; changing the detergent you use; and more to try to overcome the yeast infections. You can also support your urinary tract with diet changes.
The big thing is to give intercourse a break until the UTI is completely cleared up. What often happens is that we treat the UTI until it’s no longer affecting us, but it hasn’t completely gone away. It’s only 95% gone. And then you aggravate it again and it flares up again. Give it a chance to be 100% gone.
Other infections can also wreak havoc in that area of the body, including untreated STIs (sexually transmitted diseases), or outbreaks of chronic STIs like herpes. Again, a physician can help wtih this.
Unfortunately, when infections become common or even chronic, vaginitis is often the result. Vaginitis occurs when the inflammation stemming from infection is so severe that the body produces so many white blood cells that they spread out of the vagina to “coat” the whole vulvar vestibular area, causing a secondary infection. If you start to have recurrent infections, STOP and talk to a doctor seriously about how to stem the problem and cure it once and for all before doing a merry-go-round of treatments and potentially making things worse.
Other than vaginismus, the condition I get the most emails about is lichen sclerosus, which affects about 1.3% of women, usually after menopause. There are other diseases of the skin (dermatoses) that can also cause pain, but lichen sclerosus is the most common.
As Healthline describes it, “Lichen sclerosus is a chronic, inflammatory skin disease. It causes thin, white, patchy areas of skin that can be painful, tear easily, and itch.” Often physicians recommend corticosteroid cream to help treat this, but there is increasing literature that changing your diet can help reduce symptoms as well (though the jury is still out on this). Check out Healthline’s article for more help.
4. Atrophic Vestibulitis (where there’s a weakening, or atrophy, of the vulva and vagina)Okay, that’s a very scary sounding condition, but basically what it means is that you have pain and often a deep burning sensation during intercourse. In this case, the cause is hormonal imbalances, often due to menopause, chemotherapy, a surgical removal of the ovaries, or even the birth control pill. It’s estrogen and testosterone (along with other hormones) that regulate blood flow to our genitals, keep everything well hydrated, and keep everything moving nicely. When the blood flow isn’t there, the whole area can “atrophy”, which means it basically gets smaller and weaker. The vaginal wall can thin, and make it much more susceptible to trauma and tears, and much less conducive to enduring thrusting!
The clitoris can also be affected, making it less likely to move, and even painful to the touch.
If you’re experiencing this, talk to your physician. If you’re post-menopausal or have had chemotherapy, some hormonal therapies can help. If you’re on the Pill, changing birth control along with some hormonal treatments can help restore the proper balance.
5. Neuronal Proliferation (where the nerve endings are increased and extra sensitive)This one sounds really scary, but it’s seriously not that common. It’s a condition where there are increased nerve endings and sensitivities in that part of the body, which can make any touch, let alone penetration, very painful and overwhelming.
If you’ve always had this, it’s a very difficult syndrome to treat and should be seen by a specialist (again, though, this is VERY rare). Some people develop it because of irritants, though, especially to medications for yeast infections. In that case, there are easier treatments.
6. Vestibulitis, or general sensitivities (inflammation due to allergic-type reactions)Finally, there’s the last category which is a bit of a catch-all. Sometimes the vulvar area can come into contact with something it just doesn’t like, and erupt in a big angry swollen tantrum. And, again, this can be chronic and recurring. Maybe you’re sensitive to detergents that wash your underwear; to chemicals in pads in tampons; to your razor; to your soap; even to different fabrics.
Reducing the use of soap in the vulva area can help (you actually don’t need a lot of soap; water on a facecloth is really all you need, and if you want more, try some baby oil). Change your detergent to something scent-free. Consider trying Diva cups rather than pads or tampons, or even use cloth menstrual pads washed in scent-free detergent, and change them frequently. Whatever you do, DO NOT use any internal cleaners. You don’t need them. Make sure your underwear is cotton. And, again, talk to a physician if you’ve changed all this and you still have problems.
The big takeaway from all of these problems that can cause painful sex: Take it seriously early.Often we hesitate to go to the doctor about problems with the pelvic area, because, quite frankly, we don’t want to get naked and up in stirrups (more on that tomorrow!). But when you don’t deal with something early, it can spiral and you can end up with several of these problems at once. Vestibulities can cause chronic UTIs and yeast infections, which can spiral into vaginitis, which can trigger vaginismus. So deal with everything when it’s only one thing you’re dealing with!
And, honestly, most of these things do have treatments that work. Again, though, the earlier you talk to your physician, the better. When things start to feel “off”, go and ask. And if you don’t get a good answer, or if your doctor just keeps writing prescriptions for more antibiotics, advocate for yourself and say that you don’t just want treatment for symptoms; you want to get to the bottom of the actual issue.
Sometimes it takes seeing different doctors. Don’t be afraid to ask for a second opinion or to go to a specialist. This is serious stuff, and this can really affect your mental state, too. Take care of your body. You deserve it!
Have you ever had one of these issues–pain without it being vaginismus? Tell us your story in the comments!
Pelvic Floor SeriesWhy the Pelvic Floor MattersWhat Can You Expect from a Visit with a Pelvic Floor Physiotherapist?PODCAST: What should you expect after childbirth?3 Keys to Childbirth Recovery The 4 Main Causes of Vaginismus?Why Exploring Your Pelvic Floor is Crucial to Your Health (and Sex Life!)The Pelvic Floor PodcastHow to Address and Treat Vaginismus -- 9 Healing StepsSecondary Vaginismus Recovery: A Newlywed's Story 6 Conditions that Can Cause Painful Sex that AREN'T VaginismusTop 10 Tips to Make a Pap Smear More Comfortable (June 28)
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts Dealing with Secondary Vaginismus: A Newlywed’s StoryJun 22, 2021 | 1 Comment
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The post Painful Sex: 6 Conditions Other Than Vaginismus That Can Make Sex Hurt appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
June 25, 2021
Is It “Better to Marry Than to Burn”?
The context they’re quoting is from 1 Corinthians 7:
Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion. 1 Corinthians 7:8-9I often get asked what I think this verse means, and whether it means that if we’re struggling not to have sex with our boyfriend, the best thing to do is to marry quickly.
I’d like to look into the context of 1 Corinthians 7 a bit today. We looked at the context of the “do not deprive” verses a while ago, and I’d like to extend that to a few more verses in the chapter today.
As I said in the original post,
From 3 Keys to Interpreting Paul's Writings on Sex in Light of Roman Culture In this culture where sex was about power and was rather ugly, many people converting to Christianity were also committing to a life of celibacy. The Greek philosophy that the body was bad and the soul was good was still rampant at this time, and had infiltrated the church. It was only natural in a society that saw the body as bad, and that treated sex as ugly, that new Christians would think you could be more godly by giving up on sex altogether.
In fact, when Paul talks about “virgins” in 1 Corinthians 7, he doesn’t mean virginity as the state of one’s hymen, as we often think of it. Many scholars believe instead that he’s referring to people, and especially women, who have pledged themselves to a life of celibacy.
In the culture Paul was addressing, vowing celibacy was considered a mark of a good Christian.There was a movement towards “the body is bad, the spirit is good.” And so the more you could defeat the body and concentrate just on God, the holier you would be.
People were even vowing to remain celibate in marriage–and Paul spent verses 3-5 saying why that isn’t a good thing to do. You’re married! Have sex!
But then the question turns to single people: what should they do?
Paul affirms people’s desires to stay single if they feel called to it–but he also affirms marriage.
He says, “look, I wish you all could be single and totally devoted to God like me. But if you’re not cut out for it–then marry! It’s totally okay.”
I actually think we read the “it is better to marry than to burn” verses backwards.We think the point that Paul is addressing is marriage, and when you should marry.
But he’s not. He’s dealing with lifelong celibacy, and if you should remain celibate.
These verses were written in a period where people were promising lifetime celibacy, and then struggling with it afterwards. And Paul was basically saying in 1 Corinthians 7, “hey, people, it’s okay to marry! You don’t have to stay celibate!” He wasn’t saying, “marriage is the cure for sexual temptation.” He was saying, “there’s no need to vow to stay celibate if you don’t truly want to. There’s nothing wrong with marriage.”
He also wasn’t saying in this context, “If you’re tempted sexually, get married right away.” He was saying, “if you’re a very sexual person, it’s better to aim towards marriage and look for a spouse.”
He wasn’t talking to people who were already paired off and having a difficult time not sleeping with someone, and saying, “you should move up the wedding date.” He was talking to people who were trying to decide if they would aim for celibacy or if they would seek out marriage. So even if they did decide to “marry rather than to burn,” this didn’t mean they would marry in two weeks. This still meant they likely had several years of waiting ahead of them! But at least they knew what they were aiming for their lives to look like.
That’s the whole point of the entire chapter. It’s too bad the cultural context has gotten lost.
Getting married simply because you want to have sex is a very, very bad idea.I think purity culture made sexual temptation so terrible that it was often intimated that if you think you’re going to have sex or you might have sex or you want to have sex, then you better darn well get married so that you don’t sin.
That sounds like a recipe for disaster to me. Many, many people can be sexually attracted to someone who could make a horrible spouse. We’re going to have sexual feelings, and those feelings are based on a whole variety of things, including simple hormones. You can be attracted to someone that doesn’t treat you well, doesn’t really know you, and is actually quite lazy or selfish. You can be attracted to someone you don’t love–or attracted to someone you love for all the wrong reasons.
Paul was never saying that our sexual temptation should outweigh all other considerations for marriage. He was simply saying that if a person was very sexual, and would find celibacy difficult, then there was no need to vow to remain celibate. It was okay to marry instead.
And then, once you make that decision to marry, all the other biblical principles about how to be wise and walk by the Spirit and seek out Jesus first and foremost still apply.
Marriage is not primarily a sin-reduction strategy.Marriage is a sacred covenant between two people. We shouldn’t take that lightly, and I think far too many in the church have pressured people to marry because they don’t want them succumbing to sexual sin.
Look, I don’t want anyone succumbing to sexual sin either. But I would much rather people succumbed to sexual sin than that they ended up in a really bad or abusive marriage with a lazy or selfish spouse with whom they could never feel truly intimate.
I have known parents who have pressured kids to marry simply because they’re sleeping together already. I think it’s far better to ask a kids to take a step back and ask, “is this wise? Do I want to be with this person for the rest of my life? Is having sex blurring my ability to see this relationship with clear eyes? Do I feel closer to them than I actually am? Or is this a healthy relationship?”
Everyday I receive social media messages, comments, and emails from people in very difficult marriages, and often those marriages started because they married for the wrong reasons.
So next time someone tells you that the only reason the apostle Paul gives for marriage is so that you don’t sin sexually, stop them.Tell them the bigger context. And tell them that marriage is far too big a deal to reduce to hormonal impulses.
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What do you think? Have you heard that interpretation of the verses? Do you know people who got married just to have sex? How did it turn out? Let’s talk in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts Overcoming Vaginismus: 9 Healing Steps to TakeJun 21, 2021 | 6 Comments
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June 24, 2021
PODCAST: The Slippery Slope of Giving Men Power over Women
Of course it’s always interesting for women, too, but we tend to bring Keith and Connor on more and we save up our guys’ reader questions!
Today on the podcast, Keith summarizes yesterday’s post on the slippery slope of believing in men’s hierarchy over women, and we address mental load and more.
Listen in!
Browse all the Different Podcasts
Listen to the last regular podcast
Or, as always, you can watch on YouTube:
Main Segment: The Slippery Slope Can go in the Other Direction, too!
Ever heard someone say, “once you stop believing that men should be in leadership or power over women, you’ll throw out the Bible and then all these terrible things will happen!”
Well, Keith’s point in yesterday’s post is that there’s a slippery slope that goes in the other direction, too. Once you believe that men should be in power over women, it can warp your sense of reality, warp your theology, and warp your sense of justice.
If you didn’t read yesterday’s post, it’s great! And here we summarize the arguments.
Reader Question: How do we move forward when I’ve run roughshod over my wife?A man chimes in and asks, “I’ve made some really bad mistakes because of both porn and theology and I’ve driven my wife away. How do we repair?”
My wife participated in the survey for your book The Great Sex Rescue. We pre-ordered it on Amazon and are getting through John Gottman’s Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.
We were converted right about the time we were married and went to conservative fundamental like churches and homeschooled their kids and believe the purity culture and all that. We recently changed churches so I think we’re away from the “wives submit to your husband…” dogma.
In listening to your podcasts I have realized I’ve run roughshod over my wife for decades. I quit porn about 5 years ago and went through David White’s book, sexual sanity for men. We want to fix our marriage, rebuild trust, etc., etc. I’m wondering if going through Gottman’s book and your book now and then do LMFT counseling or skip the books and go straight to counseling. Do you know of resources for men in my state. I realize I’ve sinned horribly against God and my wife.
But, before we can be restored there needs to be trust, grieving, PTSD counseling for my wife and likely more. Any advice and help would be appreciated. We’ve been married 31 years and I’m looking forward to the next 31, Lord willing, being much better. Thank you!
Great question! We gave our thoughts, but I’ll leave you with one observation (that I also made in the podcast!): When a spouse has felt unsafe in marriage, often he or she doesn’t really process that feeling or admit how damaging that feeling is as a protective measure. But when they’re finally safe, then all of those feelings of anger and sadness and hurt can come to the surface. Once they’re safe, often the grief bubbles up and needs to be processed. So give her time to process this (and a licensed therapist with trauma-based treatments is a great idea), and don’t be surprised if things are quite rough for a while before they’re better.
The Two Guys Go to the BeachFinally, we’ve had a lot of talk about the “Let’s go to the beach” post and phenomenon on the blog, but not necessarily on the podcast. So Connor and Keith took this one themselves, and discussed how to divide mental load and figure out how to make things more equitable in your marriage.
Things Mentioned in This Podcast:Keith’s post on the slippery slope of male-only leadershipThe Emotional Labor and Mental Load Series, with a podcast describing the issueThe Let’s Go to the Beach Revisited postThe Great Sex RescuePastors: Preach what you practice! About how pastors often say that husbands should make the final decision, though that’s not what they actually do.
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts Can You Be Your Child’s Friend as Well as Their Parent?Jun 18, 2021 | 35 Comments
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June 23, 2021
The Slippery Slope of Hierarchy Theology
Keith’s been such a powerful advocate for giving women a voice, whether it’s professionally in his role as a physician or whether it’s in churches where he’s served on a deacon’s board that argued this, or whether it’s on our podcast.
He’s been mulling over this idea of the “slippery slope” argument against women being treated equally under Christ, and wanted to address it today.
So here’s my husband!
Sheila Wray GregoireSheila recently wrote a blogpost to pastors “Do you preach a form of marriage you don’t practice?”, tackling the question “Is it healthy to promote the idea that hierarchy in marriage is a Biblical principle that should be lived out?” The blogpost looked at the fruit of that teaching: Do marriages really do better if the husband makes the decisions?
Do marriages really fall apart if there is no “tie breaker”?As Sheila and her team found in the survey of 20,000 women for their book The Great Sex Rescue, the majority of Christian couples say they believe these ideas, but in reality they are collaborative in their decision making. And those couples do well. But the ones who actually put hierarchy into practice, where the husband really is in charge, have bad outcomes.
Her point was that since we know that the “husband-as-boss” model of marriage results in bad outcomes, and that collaborative decision-making results in good outcomes, pastors should teach the latter rather than the former, regardless of what they personally believe.
I was not surprised to see that she got push-back from people who believe strongly in hierarchy in marriage.I was also entirely unsurprised by the fact that they almost universally did not engage her arguments, but instead did the same thing they always do. They basically stated that “husband-as-boss” is the Biblical model, that anybody who says otherwise is twisting the Bible into their preconceived feminist ideology and that we are all headed for hell in a hand-basket if we allow this heretical idea–that husband and wife are equally sanctified, equally Spirit-filled and equally able to hear God’s voice–to prevail.
They always make some form of “slippery slope” argument.The Bible is meant to be interpreted a certain way, they warn, and we will get further and further off-base if we ever deviate from that. I will leave aside the fact that some of our greatest heroes in Church history are shining examples of how amazing it can be for us to look at the Bible with fresh interpretation. Instead, I am going to focus on something that all these “slippery-slopers” miss: that there is a slippery slope in the other direction, too! If you cling to the concept of hierarchy in marriage, the natural and logical progression is to take you down truly bad pathways in several areas.
What does the “slippery slope” of believing in hierarchy and power get us?First: It warps your sense of realityMy first blogpost was about how couples do better with collaborative decision-making. This has been shown time and again. Dr. John Gottman’s research showed that when husbands are unwilling to share power in their marriages, they had an 81% chance their marriage would self-destruct. Sheila’s research for the Great Sex Rescue showed that marriages were 7.4x more likely to end in divorce when the husband makes the decisions-even if he consults with her first. This is not opinion. This is fact. The collaboration model is better than the husband-as-boss model. But people who believe in hierarchy in marriage as God-given and who are unwilling to re-evaluate their interpretation of the Bible, now face a big problem. They find themselves in the situation where “God’s way” doesn’t do as well as “the world’s way”.
How does one reconcile that?Answer: Ignore it completely and continue to believe what you want to believe anyway. Emerson Eggerichs is a typical example of this. In his book Love & Respect, he says “To set up a marriage with two equals at the head is to set it up for failure. That is one of the big reasons that people are divorcing left and right today. (pg. 221)” He gives no statistics or evidence to back up his position for one simple reason—there are none that he could give! All of the available evidence proves exactly the opposite of what he is teaching.
You may also enjoy:Emerson Eggerichs and the Gaslighting of Emotional Abuse Victims (and the podcast that went along with it)Our Open Letter to Focus on the Family about Love & RespectOur rubric of healthy sexuality teaching, with our scorecard of how different books did (including Love & Respect)Evidence is very important to me as a physician. When a new drug comes along it doesn’t matter to me what I “feel” about it. It doesn’t matter to me if a friend is on the research team that developed it. What matters to me is if it works. I don’t ever want to lose that; for me that would mean completely losing touch with reality. I reject hierarchy in marriage for the same reason.
Second: It warps your theologyThe idea that if you stop believing in hierarchy in marriage, your theology will get progressively more off-base is completely unfounded. In fact, the very opposite is true, as we see with the current rise of the doctrine of the “Eternal Subordination of the Son”. If you are not familiar with this, let me do a quick synopsis. Basically, the idea of a wife being in subjection to her husband has not been a problem throughout the vast majority of history since society incorrectly saw women as fundamentally less than men. Saying that only men could lead, then, made sense, because women weren’t capable of it.
In our society, though, we have arrived at the point where we realize that women and men are actually equal. This creates a problem because we can no longer make a case for female subjugation based on women being innately inferior to men.
Enter Biblical Manhood and Womanhood and the introduction of the concept of “roles” in marriage.Rather than consider that we have been misinterpreting some passages of the Bible and perhaps husbands and wives should share in decision-making as co-laborers in Christ, the proponents of Biblical Manhood and Womanhood insist hierarchy is God’s plan. Although husband and wife are equal, they preach that God has given the husband the “role” of being in charge and the wife the “role” of being subject to him.
The “fly in the ointment” is that it is perfectly obvious to everyone that it is impossible for two people simultaneously to be equal and to have one in subjugation to the other. These are mutually exclusive ideas. The “Eternal Subordination of the Son” doctrine fills the gap by explaining that just as Jesus is equal to God the Father, but eternally subject to Him, so wives are equal to their husbands, but also must be subject to them.
The only problem is that this is complete heresy.In fact, it’s a heresy that almost tore the Church apart sixteen centuries ago, but was considered dead until its recent resurrection in the last few decades by those trying to promote male leadership. I stand amazed that I have personally been told that if I reject hierarchy in marriage I am rejecting the Bible. But those very people are so invested in clinging to the idea of hierarchy in marriage, that rather than considering maybe they are the ones mistaken in their interpretation, they are willing to change their concept of the Trinity, arguably one of the most fundamental aspects of our faith!
Finally, it warps your sense of justiceI recently read Beth Allison Barr’s The Making of Biblical Womanhood. If you love history (as I do), it is a very informative and enjoyable read and I highly recommend it. In addition to giving a phenomenal description of the historical attitudes toward women in the church through history, she tells some of her own story as well. As a university professor, she was not allowed to teach the high schoolers at her church since that would mean she, a woman, would be teaching men (i.e. 13-year old boys). When they challenged the matter with church leadership, her youth pastor husband lost his job.
How did we get to the point where a person who is clearly trained, equipped and (as her book shows) gifted as a teacher could be prohibited from teaching purely on the basis that she was born a woman? The prevalence of this teaching in the church is appalling to me in itself, but it gets even worse when I see the attitude of its supporters on-line.
The one commenter who did actually engage Sheila’s arguments countered that Sheila’s teaching also had “bad fruit”. What was that bad fruit? Basically, he was saying people are unhappy because they are being taught these damaging things about equality and don’t want God’s way anymore. It took me a while to understand what he was saying: namely, that women–having had a taste of freedom–are unwilling to go back to how things used to be.
In other words, the problem with Beth Allison Barr is not how unfair it is that she can teach in university but can’t teach at church. The problem is that she should never have been teaching at university in the first place! I am not suggesting that all people who promote hierarchy in marriage believe we should go back to not allowing women to have an education or to work outside the home. But it is clear that some do. And if we accept hierarchy as God-given, there is a certain logic to their argument. So that’s another reason I don’t accept it; I see the slippery slope where I would lose all sense of justice.
Perhaps the most appalling instance of this happened during a debate with a man whom I considered a friend at the time. I was suggesting that some of the Biblical passages which look like they call for the subjugation of women needed to be taken in the context of the culture and the time at which they were written. He responded with the standard argument that it was dangerous for me to shift beliefs based on cultural changes. If it was true when Paul wrote it, he said, it is true now, full stop. I then pointed out you could make the same case in favor of slavery since Paul talked about it and never specifically condemned it. I thought I “had him” and he would have to concede the argument, but he looked me straight in the face and said, “Well, maybe God doesn’t see slavery as evil.” I was floored. I still cannot process how anyone could ever believe that.
May I never see the day that I would be so wedded to a doctrine that rather than considering whether I could be wrong, I would instead twist my theology to the point that I could actually imagine that the idea of one human being owning another could ever be from God.
Nobody comes to the Bible as a complete blank state.The things we have learned or experienced in our life will undoubtedly influence how we interpret Scripture. Certainly it is wise to remember this and to consider when we study the Bible whether we are bringing something to the Bible which is not there.
But remember that this applies to all readers.
We all come to the Bible with preconceived notions, including those who believe in hierarchy in marriage. And the more I hear men like Piper, MacArthur, Grudem and Strachan talk, the more it is clear to me that ultimately their main goal is not preserving the authority of the Bible, but preserving the authority of men. And those men will only be happy when everyone else brings that same bias to the Biblical texts–or are completely silenced.
I admit that I come to the Bible with the idea that women are equal to men in dignity, value and significance.I see this as self-evident, not needing Biblical proof to be true. I make no apologies for the fact that I believe God loves His daughters just as much as His sons. So when I read in 1 Corinthians 14:34 “Women should remain silent in the churches”, I admit it makes me do a double-take.
This does not mean I am refusing to believe Scripture. It means I am trying to make everything I know fit together. In fact, my “check” over this passage prompts me to remember something those who espouse hierarchy seem to miss – that in 1 Corinthians 11, Paul talks about women praying and prophesying in church! How do they not see the contradiction? Do they believe the Corinthian women prayed and prophesied with some ancient version of sign language? (Or maybe it was mime!)
The intellectually honest approach is to wrestle with these difficult passages and see them in a way that truly honors God as well as women and men who are created in His image. But assuming hierarchy is God-given and embracing it wholeheartedly easily allows you to skip past all that, pluck 1 Cor 14:34 entirely out of context and use it to try to silence talented women like Beth Allison Barr. And Sheila. And Beth Moore. And so many others.
Tragically, I expect maybe that’s the point. The Jesus I believe in said whoever wishes to be greatest must be the servant of all and his first post-resurrection act was commissioning the women to go tell the men. Let’s all resist a slippery slope that would create a Church where women are silenced and where our focus is on who has the power rather than on serving one another as Jesus commanded.
The Great Sex RescueChanging the conversation about sex & marriage in the evangelical church.
What if you're NOT the problem with your sex life?What if the things that you've been taught have messed things up--and what if there's a way to escape these messages?
Welcome to the Great Sex Rescue. Order Now!
What do you think? Why do you think nobody talks about the slippery slope in the other direction? Have you ever heard anyone defend slavery to justify men being over women? Let’s talk in the comments!
Keith Gregoire Blog and Podcast Contributor, Co-Author with Sheila of two upcoming marriage books
Keith is the rock that supports Sheila, who runs this blog! Sheila and Keith married when Keith was attending Queen's University medical school in Kingston, Ontario. He later completed his residency in pediatrics at the Hospital for Sick Children, and has since directed the pediatric undergraduate program at Queen's University, and been Chief of Pediatrics at a community hospital in Belleville, Ontario. He and Sheila speak at marriage conferences around the world, and together they've also done medical missions in Kenya. Next up: They're authoring The Guy's Guide to Great Sex together! Plus, of course, he's an avid birdwatcher. Related Posts The Pelvic Floor PODCAST Episode: Plus Can You Say Vulva?Jun 17, 2021 | 2 Comments
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The post The Slippery Slope of Hierarchy Theology appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
June 22, 2021
Dealing with Secondary Vaginismus: A Newlywed’s Story
How is this even possible? And can you get over it?
That’s what we’re going to talk about today!
We’re in the middle of our pelvic floor series, and we’ve been touching on vaginismus this month, talking about the causes of vaginismus and steps to overcome it (including seeing a pelvic floor physiotherapist!).
Today I want to change gears and share a personal story from a reader about secondary vaginismus–vaginismus that develops later. At one point you could have pain-free sex, but then something changes.
I love Jordan’s insight into her own story, which is still ongoing.
So here’s Jordan Mullins, from Happily Ever Mullins, telling us her story!
Sheila Wray Gregoire My husband, Nathan, and I were virgins when we got married last May.
Everything was different because of COVID, of course, but some things were the same as I expected, even dreaded—like the butterflies in your stomach, I can’t eat or I’ll puke nervousness I felt the night before and day of our wedding.
Our first time having sex, indeed on our wedding night, was mostly focused on intercourse, despite all my mental rehearsals of the loads of foreplay we’d be doing. It didn’t hurt, not in the least, but I was nervous, so we rushed it. I didn’t orgasm that night, nor any other night for three months. (To say I was sexually frustrated would be putting it lightly.)
Then, one blessed day late July of 2020, I did it. With the help of the vibrator my husband bought me, I was able to orgasm for the very first time! I cheered, I cried, and I couldn’t wait for this to become a normal in our marriage.
About a week later was when disaster struck.Morning sex has never really been my thing, my body couldn’t ever get aroused properly enough for intercourse to be comfortable that early, but that day we were both randomly in the mood for it. I remember feeling like something was off when I first woke up, but I couldn’t put a finger on it.
Not until a sharp, burning pain hit me when Nathan tried to insert his penis. He pulled it back out, covered in what I can only assume now was evidence of a yeast infection. Thus started my now ten-month long journey through secondary vaginismus.
The gynecologist I went to see, about a month after the pain started, was of no help. She didn’t communicate clearly and assumed I knew things when I didn’t. She treated me like the average college-aged young adult woman she saw daily, young women who were having sex regularly before marriage and got the occasional UTI or yeast infection. All my tests came back negative for any sort of infection, yeast or bacterial, so I was left with a suggestion to “watch what I eat”.
I can’t tell you how many times I came back home crying from frustration after a visit with her.
Six months go by before I can get in to see a pelvic floor physical therapist. By this time, I had stubbornly insisted on trying intercourse too many times, so much so that we no longer could even try because the burning pain I felt was so bad. I’d prayed, I’d asked friends to pray, but it hurt so much (physically and emotionally) to attempt intercourse after getting my hopes up, just for it to still burn terribly. A few women in my ministry tried to speak some encouragement into my situation, but they all said something to the effect of, “You can be intimate in other ways!”
As a high-drive, newlywed wife, I felt like none of them understood the pain I was going through.Yes, our actual sex life looked so much better as the months went by, despite not having intercourse (I’m able to orgasm, we cuddle all the time, Nathan’s heart for my sexual pleasure has only increased over time). But that didn’t make the lack of intercourse, something I thought God wanted for us in our marriage, any easier.
Starting February 3rd, I was able to start seeing my PT once a week for about a month, then once every other week for however long necessary after that.
I ADORE my PT (physiotherapist).She listens to me, communicates very openly, always lets me know what we’ll be doing, and (most importantly) makes sure I am okay with everything we’re doing. Most of our focus was on getting me to relax my pelvic floor muscles.
You see, that’s why I refer to my condition as “secondary vaginismus”: I didn’t always struggle with pain in sex, but once my body had experienced several traumatic, painful attempts at intercourse, the muscles were refusing to let down their guard. It was incredibly disheartening, every time I looked on the internet for an explanation, and the only times the word vaginismus was used were referring to lifelong pain with entry or post-childbirth. I felt like I was alone with my pain, that no one understood what was wrong with me and that we were never going to get an answer.
Over time, my PT and I made some physical progress (one step forward, two steps back kind of progress), but I felt like God was doing a lot of digging beneath the surface in the meantime.
What’s one of the main reasons our pelvic floor muscles can prevent entry? Fear, not feeling safe, or not being aroused.
I have a major fear of rape and of being forced into sex. I have never been raped, nor would Nathan ever force me to have sex with him, but before all my pain started I felt like intercourse was a mandatory part of sex. Are you following me?
Now that I had the freedom to say no to intercourse, I realized I was scared of no longer having pain and intercourse being mandatory again.
Did Nathan ever say it had to happen? No. Did my brain tell me I had to let Nathan inside if we were having sex? Yep!
And as soon as I realized I was afraid of intercourse being normal again, I had a whole dose of guilt to heap on top. I wanted sex to include intercourse as much as my husband, probably more, so why was I so scared?
God didn’t curse me with painful sex.I think illnesses, pain, and disease all come from the reality of the fact that we live in a broken world, made broken by sin. Could He have taken it away by now? Yes, but He hasn’t, not fully anyway.
Ever since mine and Nathan’s one year anniversary on May 16th, I’ve heard this line in my head trying to comfort me, that God does not support forced sex. Through the times I can relax and actually enjoy intercourse right now versus the times I grow fearful of obligation and the burning pain returns, He is showing me that He doesn’t make forced sex easy in a marriage. It melts my heart, to know the love and intentionality God has put into marital sex. He has such a heart for it, such a yearning passion for it to be a gift to us—a gift that would unite marriages, bring laughter, and even encourage pleasure.
It’ll take me time to fully realize that for my own marriage.
I’ve had trauma from men in my life using porn that’s caused me to question the mutuality of God’s design for sex. Somehow, I got it in my head that, once my pain goes away, intercourse is the main part of His design. Like everything we’ve been doing through the past ten months, everything that has made sex BEYOND pleasurable, is “less than” just because it isn’t penis in vagina.
That’s completely not true. God made all the sexual pleasure spots on our bodies to be included in what we summarize by saying “sex”, not just the penis and vagina. In my case, it’s taken pain in the vagina to recognize unhealthy mindsets of fear and obligation. I know everybody’s stories are different, especially with such a tender subject, but I hope that hearing mine will make even one woman feel less alone.
Sheila here again: I love the conclusions that Jordan is making from her own journey–that God is showing her that He didn’t make forced sex easy. Our bodies literally rebel against even the notion of it. And as she’s working through that (and I’ve sent her a copy of The Great Sex Rescue to help with that!), she’s starting to see some victory.
That’s how it should be!
If you’re struggling with the obligation sex message, you may also enjoy:The Great Sex RescueThe Duty Sex isn’t Sexy Podcast5 Ways to get over the obligation sex messageAre you sabotaging yourself with the obligation sex message?After four years of college and a degree in Psychology, Jordan Mullins has discovered that her passions are people and words. She is an avid believer in the power of vulnerability and sharing, even when it’s super uncomfortable. She adores pretty much anything to do with Disney, wears her hair in a messy bun 99% of the time, and likes to think she’s a pretty relatable human. Jordan is also a newlywed!
Through all her in-person work with ministry and on her blog, Happily Ever Mullins, Jordan seeks to speak life into women, in the hopes that they’ll begin to see life as the bountiful, beautiful gift it has every possibility of becoming
Jordan Mullins
Can you relate to what Jordan is saying? How her body is reacting to the fear that sex will become an obligation? Let’s talk in the comments!
Pelvic Floor SeriesWhy the Pelvic Floor MattersWhat Can You Expect from a Visit with a Pelvic Floor Physiotherapist?PODCAST: What should you expect after childbirth?3 Keys to Childbirth Recovery The 4 Main Causes of Vaginismus?Why Exploring Your Pelvic Floor is Crucial to Your Health (and Sex Life!)The Pelvic Floor PodcastHow to Address and Treat Vaginismus -- 9 Healing StepsSecondary Vaginismus Recovery: A Newlywed's Story (June 22)Top 10 Tips to Make a Pap Smear More Comfortable (June 28) Related Posts “Let’s Go to The Beach” Revisited–Plus More Mental Load!Jun 16, 2021 | 51 Comments
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June 21, 2021
Overcoming Vaginismus: 9 Healing Steps to Take
And for 7%, it makes penetration impossible.
Vaginismus is a sexual dysfunction disorder where the muscles of the vaginal wall contract involuntarily (you’re not deliberately causing it!), making penetration very painful or impossible, and sometimes even making tampon use or pelvic floor examinations difficult. It’s a condition that is far more common in religiously conservative women than the general population, and our surveys for The Great Sex Rescue bore this out.
This month on the blog we’ve been looking at the pelvic floor: the importance of the pelvic floor, postpartum recovery, what causes vaginismus, what to expect from a pelvic floor physiotherapist.
And today I want to talk about how to recover from vaginismus, and 8 healing things you can do.
Dealing with the Emotions of Vaginismus:1. Don’t Feel Guilty About Having VaginismusIt isn’t your fault. You did not cause this.
Please hear me on this one! One of the most common feelings when you have vaginismus is intense guilt. We’re supposed to give our husbands this incredible sex life, and our bodies aren’t even able! So many of us have internalized the “obligation sex” message that we are obligated to give our husbands sex because of our husbands’ great need. As we explained in our book The Great Sex Rescue, believing this is one of the big contributing causes of vaginismus. But believing this also makes recovery so much more difficult because we add guilt to the mix.
When you have vaginismus, he’s disappointed, and we feel so desperate to have him not be disappointed, because we want to be good wives.
I’ve talked about this before on the blog, and one commenter wrote:
He deserves better than this from me.
And my heart just breaks, because I understand, since I was there, too–for the first few years of our marriage.
We hear all about how he needs sex, and how he waited for sex, and now you’re supposed to give it to him and you can’t.
But guilt will not cure vaginismus.
In fact, guilt can make it worse, because in our guilt we can push ourselves too hard too fast. Like pelvic floor physiotherapist Bethany Peterson said in our pelvic floor podcast last week, if her patients are willing, she often invites husbands in to insert a finger and see how spasmed the muscles are. The wife is not causing this; it’s something she does not have control over. And you should not feel guilty for something that you’re not deliberately doing.
Talk about what you’re feeling. Tell him what you need, while reassuring him that you want to get better, too:
I need you to understand that it’s not that I’m rejecting sex; I’m rejecting pain. I want more than anything else to be able to have sex, and I want to work towards that, but right now we may have to find other things to do because I don’t want my brain to associate pain with sex any more than it already does. I want to work towards healing, and I’m going to really need your support and your affirmation, because I just feel so lousy about this.
2. Remember: No One Has the “Right” to Great SexWhat makes vaginismus so hard to deal with is that we feel cheated, but at the same time we also feel like we’re cheating our husbands.
But great sex is not a “right” or an “entitlement“. It is a gift that God gives to us in marriage, but that doesn’t mean that everyone will receive it at the same time.
Some people are born partially paralyzed. Some people are born deaf. Some people are in car accidents and live with chronic pain. You don’t have the “right” to a pain-free life or to hearing or to sight or to mobility any more than you have the right to great sex.
You aren’t being cheated, and you aren’t cheating anyone. You’re just experiencing a real disappointment. But it is one that can usually be successfully treated!
If your doctor tells you to just use a vibrator, get a different doctor. If your doctor dismisses your concerns, or says, “just give it time!”, get another doctor. If your doctor prescribes a recovery plan for vaginismus that scares you to death, get another opinion.
But above all, seek out a pelvic floor physiotherapist. Gynecologists may be able to diagnose vaginismus, but they’re not trained in treatment plans, and can often give the wrong advice. Pelvic floor physiotherapists are trained in how to help you, including giving you exercises to help you loosen and relax the muscles and achieve more control over them. Even if it’s pricey, it’s worth the investment if you can find the cash to deal with this. It often doesn’t take too many treatments, either.
4. Try Some Vaginal DilatorsMost treatment programs for vaginismus will include learning how to relax the muscles so that sex becomes possible–and comfortable. The easiest way to do this is to use vaginal dilators. I know that sounds scary, and they look kinda scary, but you can do it by yourself, at your own pace. You can use some lubricant with them, too! Most pelvic floor physiotherapists will recommend certain ones, and will tell you how to use them. Good dilators come in different sizes and are smooth and made of silicone or other medical grade materials to make insertion easy and cleaning easy, like this kit:
See it on Amazon! 5. Learn to Relax and Isolate the Pelvic Floor MusclesYour pelvic floor physiotherapist will help you find exercises to do, but learning to isolate the pelvic floor muscles and then relax them is so key. Bethany Peterson recommends this guided relaxation video from FemFusion for isolating the pelvic floor muscles.
FemFusion has other videos to help on their channel. As always, check with your physiotherapist first to make sure they’re the right exercises for you.
Sometimes even thinking about those muscles can cause us to panic, especially if one of the causes of vaginismus is shame about our bodies. But take some deep breaths, try to relax, and try some of these exercises. They can even be fun!
6. Look to All Possible CausesAnd look at all possible causes of vaginismus. For some of us there’s a physical cause: the pelvic floor muscles which cause vaginismus are also affected by the bowel and by other parts of the body. Talking to a physiotherapist may help you find other causes. For some of us it’s trauma during childbirth. You may have been able to have sex fine beforehand, but after birth and some tearing you never recovered.
And then for many of us it’s teaching we had on sex when we were younger that made us feel like sex was something dirty, or teaching that we’re obligated to give him sex. For some of us it’s abuse. Talking to a counselor can really help, and may be all that’s needed to fix the problem.Also, so many women who have suffered from vaginismus have told us that The Great Sex Rescue has been so healing for them!
The Great Sex RescueChanging the conversation about sex & marriage in the evangelical church. What if you're NOT the problem with your sex life?What if the things that you've been taught have messed things up--and what if there's a way to escape these messages?
Welcome to the Great Sex Rescue. Order Now!I believe that in my case, vaginismus was multi-faceted. I had sucked my stomach in all the time, habitually, for 12 years by the time I married. Learning to un-suck was HARD! But that whole area of my body had never been relaxed. I also had some pretty nasty messages about sex that I had to dispel. So figuring out your own causes can be empowering, because it helps you know that you can get over this when you know there’s a reason for it.
Dealing with Sex While Vaginismus Is Still Being Treated:
Forcing yourself to do something which is excrutiating will likely prolong the condition, because you further cement the association of pain with intercourse in your brain.
You also set up a really difficult emotional dynamic for your husband, where he can feel so guilty for wanting sex. Sometimes women can be the ones to push sex, even if it hurts, because we don’t want to feel like failures. But this is the wrong thing to do!
What often happens years later, after the pain goes away, is that both people have difficulty getting past the emotional dynamics they’ve created. He still feels guilty for wanting sex, and she resents the fact that he would do something that hurt her–even if she asked him to. You can avoid a lot of this by talking openly, working towards a cure, and having fun doing other things in the meantime.
8. Don’t Take Shortcuts to ArousalOne of the most common problems that couples get sucked into when vaginismus hits is fantasy and pornography. We women can be desperate to feel aroused, since sex doesn’t do it, and desperate to prove that we do have a sex drive, that we turn to porn or erotica. One of my friends who had vaginismus had a doctor tell her to a buy a vibrator. So she used it and enjoyed it, but it didn’t help at all with intercourse. And then she found her desire for her husband went away even more!
I’ve talked before on the blog about the common issue with dissociation during sex. When sex is painful, we often try to “dissociate” from our bodies and run anywhere but in our minds. That “anywhere but” can often be to fantasy, including with porn and erotica images. It allows you to feel sexually aroused and engaged even if your body isn’t actually enjoying things. Then, when vaginismus is cured, it’s hard to stop dissociating.
Other couples find that the husband turns to porn to deal with sexual frustration so that he doesn’t want to bother his wife. But porn is not harmless. The effects of porn are devastating on your libido and your sex life. And it won’t help vaginismus–it will only make you dissociate, so that when you’re having sex you’re thinking about something other than your husband. That hurts intimacy; it doesn’t enhance it.
9. Don’t Run Away from Sexual IntimacyYou may not be able to have intercourse comfortably, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t be sexual with each other! And, in fact, it’s even more important that you try, because you need the closeness that comes from being sexual, and you need the release from orgasm, and you need to know that your body can, actually, respond!
There are sexual options beyond intercourse, so don’t shy away from them! And as we found in The Great Sex Rescue surveys, most women who do reach orgasm reach it through routes OTHER than intercourse. So you’re not cheating or taking a shortcut. You can still enjoy each other!
I know vaginismus is a difficult thing to deal with.Believe me, I do. But I’m also here to tell you that you don’t need to live with it forever; most women do indeed emerge on the other side. So take a deep breath, exhale all the guilt, and commit to working towards solutions!
Pelvic Floor SeriesWhy the Pelvic Floor MattersWhat Can You Expect from a Visit with a Pelvic Floor Physiotherapist?PODCAST: What should you expect after childbirth?3 Keys to Childbirth Recovery The 4 Main Causes of Vaginismus?Why Exploring Your Pelvic Floor is Crucial to Your Health (and Sex Life!)The Pelvic Floor PodcastHow to Address and Treat Vaginismus -- 9 Healing StepsSecondary Vaginismus Recovery: A Newlywed's Story (June 22)Top 10 Tips to Make a Pap Smear More Comfortable (June 28) Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts Why Exploring Your Pelvic Floor (and Genitalia!) is Crucial to Your Health and Your Sex LifeJun 15, 2021 | 20 Comments
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June 18, 2021
Can You Be Your Child’s Friend as Well as Their Parent?
One of the pieces of advice we often hear in parenting circles is: “Remember, you’re their parent, not their friend.”
To be honest, when my children were little and I was immersed in evangelical culture and parenting blogs, I used to teach that (and even wrote columns on it for our local paper!).
But then something weird happened.
My girls grew into teenagers–and I really liked them. They became my friends.
That didn’t mean that I wasn’t also their mother; it didn’t mean that I couldn’t tell them what to do or that they wouldn’t listen to me.
It was more that, by the time they were teens, they naturally did what was right because they respected me and had internalized our values.
We had a good relationship. They naturally respected what I thought because I knew them well and they knew that I loved them and that I was safe. I took an interest in what they were doing. I knew their friends. I had proven that I was safe and that I had their best interests in mind. And so Keith and I didn’t really have to lay down the law that much when they were teens because we were their friends too.
Rebecca explained this well in her book Why I Didn’t Rebel.It’s kids’ relationships with their parents that are characterized by trust and honest to goodness intimacy that helps kids willingly choose to do the right thing. When they know that you trust their instincts, too, they tend to live up to expectations.
No, there are no guarantees. Yes, some kids are naturally more difficult than others. But even the difficult ones that she interviewed for her book said that when they had good relationships with their parents that were based on mutual respect, often these times of acting out did come to an end more quickly. And even if they did rebel, they were able to come back because they had that relationship–or they kept the relationship even if the kids made choices the parents didn’t like. And then the parents still had influence in their life.
What if I told you that not all teenagers rebel?
And what if I told you that a lot of typical parenting advice makes rebellion more likely?
I interviewed 25 young adults, trying to figure out what made them rebel or not.
Here's what I found! Recently Rebecca was browsing on Instagram where she saw a post by Focus on the Family that didn’t seem to understand this concept.They posted this:
View this post on Instagram
Rebecca found it quite disturbing, and she posted an Instagram story to talk about it.
I thought today I’d share that Instagram story (which basically means a bunch of graphics that all go with each other on Instagram) because I really like it, but also to remind you all that we are all on Instagram too!
(story is written out in text below if you can’t read it all!)
Follow Sheila Follow Rebecca Follow Katie (Sheila's younger daughter!)
Alexander, I am your parent. And I hope desperately to also be your friend.
I will teach you and guide you to learn how to love others. I will speak blessings over you and empower you in your strengths.
I will apologize when I make mistakes. I will respect your boundaries. And, yes, there will be consequences when you do bad things. But they will not be overly harsh or punitive.
I will treat you with the respect and dignity I hope you demand from others because I know my voice will become that by which you measure your worth, and how you expect to be treated by others.
My goal is to empower you, not control you. I love you.
But what is more important than me telling you that (like the emotional blackmail in that Focus on the Family post) is you feeling that because I’ve proven it with more than just empty words.
And, hey, Focus on the Family: If your idea of parental love could also describe an abusive boyfriend, maybe that’s not healthy or helpful is all I’m saying.
I know that Focus on the Family was likely trying to be funny and practice hyperbole.But Jesus, after all, calls us friends. I think it’s okay for parents to call their kids friends, too–and vice versa.
We need to be careful how we joke about this stuff. We should not be laughing about stalking and controlling our children. We should normalize empowering them and guiding them. We know that being too firm a disciplinarian, focusing only on our own authority and not respecting our kids, can backfire. So let’s not joke around like this. It really isn’t funny.
What do you think? How do you see the balance between friend vs. parent when it comes to your kids? Let’s talk in the comments!
Good Pictures, Bad Pictures 
Good Pictures, Bad Pictures Jr. 
The Whole Story Sex & Puberty Course Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts PELVIC FLOOR SERIES: The 4 Main Causes of VaginismusJun 14, 2021 | 13 Comments
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June 17, 2021
The Pelvic Floor PODCAST Episode: Plus Can You Say Vulva?
We’re in the middle of our pelvic floor series for June, where we talk about some of the things that can go wrong with the pelvic floor (like vaginismus or postpartum pain), and what to do about it!
And today on the podcast pelvic floor physiotherapist Bethany Peterson, who wrote Tuesday’s amazing post about how we need to get in touch with our pelvises, joins us.
Listen in!
Browse all the Different Podcasts
See the Last “Start Your Engines” (Men’s) Podcast
Or, as always, you can watch on YouTube:
Timeline of the Podcast
1:20 Dr. Bethany Peterson joins to discuss women’s comfortability with their own anatomy
6:20 The importance of having the right words for anatomy
11:25 Early Pelvic Floor Physiotherapy is the way to go!
15:10 Let’s talk definitions!
21:20 How a physiotherapy session would typically go
27:30 Vaginismus
40:45 Rebecca joins for Reader Questions
50:50 Finishing with encouragement
When I went through vaginismus, pelvic floor physiotherapy wasn’t a well-developed field and wasn’t understood well.
Today it is, and it can be so helpful for so many issues.
Bethany Peterson is the director of Well Core Physiotherapy in Kansas City, and she joined us today to talk about what she does, and what kinds of patients she sees, in her practice. And how a pelvic floor physiotherapist can help you!
We talked about:
what the pelvic floor is and why it’s importantthe shame that many women feel about our vulvas (plus a big parenting fail of mine!);what a pelvic floor physiotherapy appointment tends to look like;what can go wrong after childbirth, and how to address it;how to address vaginismus.and why Christian women suffer at higher rates and how beliefs impact pain.Reader Questions: How Do We Handle Pain with Sex?I have a backlog of reader questions about painful sex, and many of them Bethany touched on in her segment, so I thought I’d read some of them out in today’s podcast. Rebecca joined me to tackle them, and some showed how many pelvic floor pain issues involve not just the pain, but also affect the marriage dynamics:
I was married 2 months ago and was a virgin. The first time we had sex it was difficult and at one point a screamed – probably loud enough for the neighboring hotel room to hear. Since then our sex life has been strained. My husband doesn’t want sex as often because he doesn’t want to hurt me. Him not wanting sex hurts and makes me feel unwanted. But at the same time, I’m relieved that we aren’t having sex. There is usually a sharp pain and occasionally irritation. We have had sex about 10 times, mostly in the missionary position as it doesn’t usually hurt– but feels like nothing. I’ve seen a pelvic flour therapist and she says my muscles are too tight. What can I do to improve my sex life it is comfortable or at the very least so I want it again.First of all, I love your blog, podcasts and books, and want to thank you for your obedience to God to speak out about these things! Your materials have been so important to my vaginismus recovery. I have been married for 5 and half years to a wonderful guy, but due to my severe primary vaginismus (the brick wall), we were only able to have penetrative sex one week ago after months of therapy and re-educating myself. I am so happy that God has finally lead me to the right information and treatment and healed me of my vaginismus.
I write to you to say whilst we’re overjoyed, my hubby has got so used to a more direct manual touch as that was all we were able to do before, that he has not been able to climax during intercourse and is losing his erections often and quickly. I know that we just need to focus on his pleasure and be together in the moment, but I’m really unsure whether we should abstain from giving him manual stimulation and just keep trying with intercourse, or whether that’s depriving my guy from reaching climax when he’s been so, so patient and loving through my vaginismus recovery. He did have a porn and masturbation habit pre-marriage but has dealt with it and I trust him. However the masturbation did follow us into marriage, and was reinforced by the vaginismus (even when it was me stimulating him). I am so happy we are able to have intercourse – but it feels tainted by this disappointment, and I just want him to feel as happy as I do!
We dealt with vaginismus at length in The Great Sex Rescue, because we found that the things that women believe about sex, and the dynamics around how and why we have sex, definitely impact vaginismus rates. If we can get a healthier view of sex, we may be able to prevent so many of these problems! (of course some people have vaginismus for purely physical reasons; but we know it’s higher in Christian communities).
The Great Sex RescueChanging the conversation about sex & marriage in the evangelical church. What if you're NOT the problem with your sex life?What if the things that you've been taught have messed things up--and what if there's a way to escape these messages?
Welcome to the Great Sex Rescue. Order Now! Things Mentioned in This Podcast:Bethany Peterson and Well-Core Physiotherapy. You can also find Bethany on Instagram. Bethany’s post on why we need to explore our pelvic floorsThe FemFusion Guided Meditation for Pelvic Floor Relaxation videoThe Great Sex Rescue–and our FREE Video Group Study that goes along with itThe 4 Main Causes of VaginismusSupport us on Patreon for as little as $5 or $8 a month! The money DOES NOT support this blog (it’s already self-funding). It helps fund our research into peer-reviewed journals and new social media channels to get the word out about The Great Sex Rescue as we change the evangelical conversation about sex.
What do you think? Would you be nervous to see a pelvic floor physiotherapist? Why do you think we’re so nervous about our genitalia? Let’s talk in the comments!
Pelvic Floor SeriesWhy the Pelvic Floor MattersWhat Can You Expect from a Visit with a Pelvic Floor Physiotherapist?PODCAST: What should you expect after childbirth?3 Keys to Childbirth Recovery The 4 Main Causes of Vaginismus?Why Exploring Your Pelvic Floor is Crucial to Your Health (and Sex Life!) The Pelvic Floor PodcastHow to Address and Treat Vaginismus (June 21)Secondary Vaginismus Recovery: A Newlywed's Story (June 22)Top 10 Tips to Make a Pap Smear More Comfortable (June 28) Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts Why We Need a More Nuanced Conversation about Post-Partum SexJun 11, 2021 | 30 Comments
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June 16, 2021
“Let’s Go to The Beach” Revisited–Plus More Mental Load!
It can be exhausting!
Last June, my series on the blog was on mental load and emotional labor, and how draining it is for women to have to remember everything and keep all details straight, and how coming up with creative ways to divide mental load can enhance marriage.
The post with the most comments that month was on the “let’s go to the beach” saga, where I tried to give an example of what this may look like in a typical family with young kids. I talked about this again on Facebook recently, and, predictably, the comments blew up again!
I know so many of you are new at the blog since The Great Sex Rescue was published, and so I thought it may be a great time to revisit that post, and point again to some solutions. Plus there was an interesting discussion on Facebook I want to highlight.
Here, then, was the scenario I gave in last year’s post:
From The "Let's Go To the Beach" Saga! Let’s Go to the Beach!It’s a lovely Friday afternoon, and the weather looks great for tomorrow. Donny knows the kids are sick of being stuck inside, and the beaches are beginning to open up again after COVID. So he says to Marcia, “Hey, honey, let’s take the kids to the beach tomorrow!”
Marcia puts a smile on her face, and says, “Sure, sounds great.” But she looks perplexed. And for the rest of the evening she’s pulling things out of drawers, rummaging in the fridge, and basically snapping at everybody. Donny goes and gets the bathing suits and towels and puts them into a backpack, and is bothered that Marcia is still running around after everything.
Donny says, “Hon, I just wanted to have fun with the family, and you’re turning this into a big production. Calm down. We’re going to have FUN! It doesn’t need to be a huge deal. Just relax with us. Come and watch a movie instead.”
Marcia says, “I’m not making it into a big production, Donny! But we can’t just “go to the beach.” It’s not that easy. If you want to go the beach, then why aren’t you helping?”
“I’d be glad to help! Just tell me what to do.” Donny says.
“That’s the problem! You make all these plans, and you never think about how it’s going to affect me, because you never consider how much work goes into this. You just sit back and let me figure it all out!” And she’s close to tears.
What happened to Marcia? Why is having fun with the kids such a big deal, Donny wonders? Why is his wife no fun anymore?
I then went on to explain why she was so stressed–and why “just going to the beach” isn’t as easy as it sounds.
From The "Let's Go To the Beach" Saga! What goes into “going to the beach”, for Marcia:She has to pack snacks and lunches for everybody to eat.She has to pack diapers and changes of clothes for the babyShe has to find all the sand pails, shovels, and noodles. She thinks they’re in the bottom of the basement closet in a Rubbermaid container, but she’s not sure, and she has to move the Christmas decorations to find them.They have that water mattress thing in the garage that the kids love, but she’s worried it may have a hole in it. They also have a bunch of water rings. She wants to find the tape that can repair them in case they take them and then they don’t work.Janie, their middle child, burns easily and needs SPF 60 for her body and SPF 100 for her face. She also needs a rash shirt and pants. Marcia isn’t sure they have enough sunscreen, and she may have to run to the drugstore to get it.The baby will need to nap in the early afternoon, and will have to keep shaded. They have a little baby beach tent, but she lent it to her friend Emily two weeks ago. She has to phone Emily to see if she can pick it up.The picnic, water toys, and everything will take up a lot of space in the trunk, but right now, the trunk is filled with donations to the thrift store. Marcia has spent this week cleaning out the kids’ closets and weeding down their toys, figuring out which ones she wants to keep for the baby, and before they can fit everything in the trunk, they have to go drop off the donations. She’s trying to figure out if the place is open in the evening so she can go after dinner, or if someone really needs to go right now.They just had a new tree planted in the front yard a few days ago, and the nursery told them that every morning for the next two weeks the tree has to be watered. She’s wondering who is going to get up and do that tomorrow morning if they’re rushing off to the beach.Marcia’s period started today, which means tomorrow will be her heaviest day. She’s wondering if there are good bathrooms to change tampons in, and with COVID, she actually doesn’t want to use the bathrooms that much. She’s thinking about Lysol wipes, and wondering how many she has. She’s also wondering if she still has a bathing suit wrap she can wear so she doesn’t have to be so self-conscious.Her maternity bathing suit won’t fit anymore, but she’s worried about fitting into her pre-pregnancy bathing suits. Her bust has gotten a lot bigger with nursing the baby, and she’s worried too much may “hang out” and there may be a LOT of cleavage in her old bathing suits. Does she have to run out to get another one? And will breastfeeding work? She’s wondering if she can find the beach umbrella and tilt it properly, and she realizes she’ll definitely need to wear a wrap if she doesn’t make it to the store tonight.She would absolutely LOVE to read a book on the beach and just relax. She’s hoping she may have time. So she wants to pick out a novel for her kindle and take it with her. And, in the comments, other people mentioned one last bit that I forgot to put in the list: What are we going to have for dinner when we get home after a long day out? And do we need to get something in the crockpot before we leave? Do we need to get something out of the freezer?
It’s easy to look at that list and think that Marcia is doing too much.No, she may not need the water mattress.
And perhaps watering the tree seems silly. But watering the tree was meant to represent that there is always something else going on in the family–something that needs to be remembered, whether it’s a friend coming by to drop something off, or an errand you were supposed to run, or a repairman coming by. And someone has to remember those things. There’s always something that has to be taken care of if you decide to take off for a day unexpectedly, and she tends to be the one to remember.
When I shared this on Facebook, many men (and some women) suggested that the solution was simply for her to give him a listThe problem is that if she has to make a list, she still carries all of the mental load for this. The task of getting the pails and the shovels and the sunscreen together is not that difficult; it’s remembering that you need the pails and the shovels and the sunscreen, and remembering where it is.
As Keith wrote on the blog last June, he’s kissed “just give me a list” goodbye, and now we divide up areas of responsibility so that we each bear some mental load–and we each bear NO mental load for some things because the other carries it. It’s much less exhausting that way!
If you’re struggling with mental load, I highly recommend taking a look at the mental load and emotional labor series from last June. Some great podcasts are linked there that you can listen to with your spouse and figure this out!
Other people suggested that she just calm down and let him make mistakes, because then he will learn.This sounds good in theory, but the probem is: Who bears the consequences if things go badly? Likely Marcia! If the kids have a terrible time and whine and cry and are hungry, then Marcia is going to have a terrible time, too. If the baby misses her nap and her schedule is thrown off, who is going to be up at night with her or missing those naps over the next few days? Marcia. If the kids get sunburned and don’t sleep well for the next little while, who is going to be dealing with cranky kids during the day? Likely Marcia.
So it’s fine to say, “let the chips fall and he’ll learn,” but she’s the one who likely will have to deal it. And most moms don’t want their kids to be sunburned or miss naps or be hungry or cranky, anyway.
One man complained that the reason men don’t help is that if they try to, the wife micromanages everything.He wrote:
Here is an example of things that regularly happen in a marriage.
The dishwasher. The husband loads the dishwasher. And the wife typically comes behind and reorganizes it.Folding laundry same thing.Making the bedCookingPackingThe list goes on. Men learn very early in marriage that there are jobs that are just not worth doing because we do it “wrong”.
If you have to have things done a certain way do it yourself. Or let your husband do it his way. Don’t micromanage.
Male CommenterI do admit that this plays a role in some marriages. But I also think that this is a very easy cop out that many spouses use to get out of having to help. They do something half-heartedly once, they’re told it’s not good enough, and then they say, “see, there’s no pleasing you!”
We dealt with this in the series last year, too, with the idea of minimum community standards.
One women, though, left a great comment on Facebook that inspired me to put this post up!
Do Women Micromanage? Or Is Something Else Going On?*cracks knuckles* okay, let’s break this down, shall we?…
Firstly, you have equated (in other comments) the home as a woman’s place of work. So for the sake of argument, let’s assume that the situation is one in which the woman DOESN’T work outside the home. Ergo, her “workplace” would be the home.
In this instance, women are generally very good about asking for things to be done in such a manner that makes things more efficient, or more aesthetically pleasing. Would you appreciate someone else coming into your office and rearranging your family photos, artwork, or organizational system? Absolutely not because it’s your workspace, and you ALREADY went to the trouble to set it up in a way that is pleasing, calming and organized. So if the home is her workspace, she’s already set things up in a manner that makes things most efficient. I cannot think of one couple, in which this exact situation has occurred, in which the wife DID NOT EXPLAIN WHY she wants things done in a specific manner.
The dishwasher: perhaps one side does not clean as efficiently, so if she doesn’t want to run it twice, she has to put more dirty things in one place. Or maybe the dishes he placed on the bottom will melt due to the hearing element, or maybe it’s so disorganized that he turned one load of dishes into 2. So she changes it.
Folding laundry is important because how you fold clothes LITERALLY changes whether or not a the towels or clothes will fit appropriately in storage, and how many wrinkles will be in the clothes once they are pulled out to wear. So if he slaps the clothes or towels in a haphazard way, they might not fit, or cause extra ironing work. So she changes it. Packing is similar, although when packing for children, there’s additional items that an adult wouldn’t need. Like diapers, wipes, cream, extra clothes, pacifiers, calming toys, etc
When the hypothetical husband is not considerate enough to learn these simple things, his “help” only duplicates her work. And let’s just remind everyone that this isn’t just HER home, it’s HIS too. Would your coworker find it acceptable if they had to give you a new task (to cover for higher volumes of sales, or vacation, etc), showed you how they wanted it done, and you blatantly disregarded instructions to get the job done faster, and then your coworker had to redo the work anyway? Absolutely not!
No wife would be either. And yet, you treat her as if she’s nagging and nitpicking just…because she wants to be critical? I know there are the occasional perfectionists out there, but the largest portion of the bell curve is not represented by that assumption.
Let’s take cooking, shall we? Sure this SAH wife/mom will be more efficient in the kitchen, but a father should know the basics of his kid’s preferences, and be able to function in the kitchen enough to put together a simple meal for his family if required – AND clean up afterwords. Maybe you do, but many men WON’T.
Making the bed. If it’s a kid’s bed, did the mattress protector go on? Are the sheets on properly? Why can’t it be viewed as an act of love to set up ONE kid free zone where his wife can feel like she’s entering an adult, relaxing space? But he’s too lazy to make the bed properly? Or help change the sheets so they can both be comfortable and relaxed when they enter? (Now, realistically, I don’t actually make my bed that often. But this is a hypothetical.)
TLDR:
Refusing to learn to complete a household task in such a manner as to RELIEVE a spouse of extra work vs CREATING extra work is a sign of immaturity and pettiness that would be a terminating offense in any work/life area other than the home. And yet, many men treat these tasks with exactly that kind of dismissive attitude. Women have GOOD & VALID reasons for why they want things done a certain way, just like businesses do. Your comment treats them as if that’s not the case.
And the cherry on top? Many women work outside the home, and are still expected to “manage” the home (IE: MENTAL LABOR) as if they were Stay At Home. Men have not changed their expectations, refuse to acknowledge the reasons for organization, and then use that excuse to refuse to be responsible for their own homes and families. THAT is the largest representation of the mental labor bell curve.
Unfortunately, I think that commenter is on to something!
Now, i also believe that a lot of this “micromanaging” conflict would be dealt with more easily if each spouse simply “owned” different areas of the family responsibilities, as we talked about in the emotional labor series. But this is a dynamic that I’ve seen quite a bit!
I know so many of you can relate to the mental load burden, so I wanted to rerun this so we could talk about it again!
What do you think? Can you relate to the mental load of having to remember all the details? Let’s talk in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts The Jesus and John Wayne Podcast with Kristin Kobes Du Mez!Jun 10, 2021 | 9 Comments
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June 15, 2021
Why Exploring Your Pelvic Floor (and Genitalia!) is Crucial to Your Health and Your Sex Life
During the month of June we’re talking about pelvic floor issues.
We looked at postpartum recovery, what to expect from a pelvic floor physiotherapist appointment, and the main causes of vaginismus.
Today, Bethany Peterson, a pelvic floor physiotherapist, joins us to talk about why it’s so important to get to know your pelvic floor!
Sheila Wray Gregoire Historically, female anatomy has been a hushed topic.
Science and medical fields were centuries into studying and dissecting men’s bodies before anyone turned their attention to women. The generational delay in understanding female anatomy negatively affected our advancements in women’s health and pleasure!
To slow our progress even further, the Evangelical Church’s approach to women’s bodies and sexuality has been one of fear. Don’t look at it, don’t talk about it, and definitely don’t touch it.
No.
The man-made walls society and religion build around female genitalia are dangerous.Those walls cause women to disassociate from their own pelvises to the point we are afraid to talk to our physicians, unable to communicate with our partners, and live unnecessarily detached from a part of our God-given body.
It’s time to take those walls down.
Getting to know your pelvic floorBefore we get too deep and personal on this topic, let me introduce myself! I am Dr. Bethany Peterson, a Pelvic Floor Physical Therapist based in Kansas City.
When a new patient walks into my office, I make education my first priority. I pull out my handy dandy pelvis model and use it to help women understand where their muscles and organs are, how those body parts function, and what can cause them to malfunction.
(This isn’t a picture of the model, but it is a diagram of the pelvic floor!)
You see, girls don’t naturally interact with their private parts during childhood like boys do. A boy’s anatomy is very external. They see their penis and touch it when they go to the bathroom. Erections are normalized at a young age. And, while masturbation tends to be a taboo topic especially in the church, it’s much less taboo for young men than for young women.
Girls interact with their private parts primarily during toileting. They don’t spend time looking at or touching their body. And, sexual arousal is rarely addressed, often making girls feel weird, guilty, or even dirty about the natural sensations they feel in their pelvic area.
The idea that any part of your body is inherently dirty is simply unbiblical. Every piece of your body is miraculously made and no one has the right to make you feel any differently! In fact, the systems that shame you or make you disassociate with your pelvic region are in themselves, abusive.
Dissociation with your pelvic floor is dangerous.The majority of women who come to my office for the first time are dissociated from their pelvis. Their body is sitting right in front of me, but that pelvis of theirs might as well be on Mars.
They are likely suffering from very common conditions like incontinence, abnormal periods, discomfort with sex, or a variety of other painful and wildly disruptive symptoms. But, they’ve been trained to believe that these problems are just a fact of life.
When I ask women exactly where they feel pain, what those sensations are like, or what their “normal” is, I often get that deer-in-the-headlights look. They are so conditioned to feel shame and embarrassment about their pelvic floor, that they struggle to advocate for themselves to a doctor!
Let me tell you, nothing makes me more excited than to assure these women that they can relax. The physical pain they are in is not because of anything they have done wrong. And, freedom from that pain is possible.
Once they take a deep breath, the stories start flowing. I listen carefully to stories about sexual trauma, abuse, shame, and traumatic pregnancies and births. Then, I get questions. Questions about sexual consent, duty sex, sexual addiction, spousal rape, vaginismus, and much more.
One of the big glaring problems is, terms like “consent,” “duty sex,” and “vaginismus” are not terms in most of my patients’ vocabulary.I arrive at these terms with my clients after long, deep conversations about their own personal experiences.
I find out that they have never experienced an orgasm, yet they continue to have penetrative sex with their husbands because after all, “he needs it.” Or, I discover that they’re postpartum and their organs feel like they’re going to fall out when they have sex, yet they continue to do it anyway.
Sometimes, these stories clearly point to trauma and abuse, but the woman is so unaware of her rights to pleasure and autonomy over her own body, that she doesn’t even realize she’s had traumatic or abusive experiences.
Perpetuating women’s ignorance about their own anatomy makes them more vulnerable to abuse and less equipped to advocate for their own health and wellness.
None of this is the woman’s fault! It is the failure of generations of societal and religious wall-builders who keep them from knowing themselves.
Knowing your own body is crucial for communication and pleasureInability to orgasm, low sex drives, and pain with sex are all very common symptoms. In my professional experience, these are all far more prevalent in the Christian women I treat than they are with women who don’t subscribe to a particular faith.
There’s data to back up that experience, too. In a 2011 study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, vaginismus was found in more women who adhered to strong conservative morals over liberal morals. And, those experiencing vaginismus were “more restricted in their readiness to perform particular sex-related behaviors than the control group.”
Do you know what makes women more likely to orgasm and enjoy sex? Open communication with their partner. Do you know who often has a hard time communicating with their partner? Conservative Christian women who have been conditioned to believe that their pleasure is secondary to their husband’s.
The 20,000 women surveyed for The Great Sex Rescue solidifies this evidence further:
Figure taken from The Great Sex Rescue.
In order to communicate what makes you feel good, you have to know what makes you feel good!That requires you to have felt pleasure before, be able to reproduce that pleasure, and teach your partner how to help you get there!
Some of my most productive appointments have been when a woman’s partner comes with her to physical therapy. In those sessions, I can help a couple discover what’s anatomically happening in a woman’s body.
For instance, I can test for things like decreased mobility in the clitoris. The clitoris can be our best friend! But if it’s not touched and stimulated with relative frequency, it’s possible to develop decreased mobility. This is just one example of a common yet abnormal condition that can be fixed with a little education for both the man and woman in the relationship.
Knowledge is power and communicating knowledge can lead to great sex!How do we get to know ourselves?
1. Get a mirror.I know it seems silly, but we need to start by looking at our own bodies.
If I had a dollar for every time I handed one of my patients a mirror just to have them apologize for not shaving well, gross out at their own discharge, or say something along the lines of “that’s disgusting,” I could retire. Your anatomy is BEAUTIFUL! Do not apologize or be ashamed. (Do you think men apologize to their physician about their penis? Nope.)
2. Feel yourself.Self-exploration does not have to be associated with lust, porn, or any other unhealthy behavior. Remember, men touch their penises daily. It’s healthy to know and be able to communicate what feels pleasurable and what feels uncomfortable when you’re touched. This is normal!
Discover your own normal. Every woman’s body is different. Your vagina will look, smell, and feel different than the next woman’s. If you know what your normal is, you can catch signs of abnormality early and talk to a doctor about anything out of the ordinary.
Educating the next generationOur daughters do not need to grow up with walls around their pelvises. We have a responsibility to empower them with education. From a young age, they can learn the proper names for their anatomy. Instead of being afraid to whisper the word vagina, they can learn to communicate clearly to a doctor when they notice something is awry.
They can also be confident in telling their future spouse exactly what feels good and what doesn’t. And, most importantly, they can protect and advocate for themselves because they haven’t been made to feel ashamed about their own body parts.
Let’s forcibly stop society, religion, and men from dictating how well we get to know our own divinely created bodies and start getting acquainted with those beautiful pelvises!
Thank you, Bethany, and her co-author Rachel Bradrick!
Sign up for a free phone consult with Bethany here, or for her upcoming Taking Care of Mom class. Bethany is located in Kansas City, but she does do online consults.
For Physical Therapists, Bethany and Rachel are also working on a Continuing Education Unit about the cultural and religious implications on vaginismus. Pre-register here!
Bethany Peterson, DPT, graduated from Creighton University with a Doctorate of Physical Therapy. Prior to giving birth to her daughter, Bethany was working extensively with acute, skilled nursing, and traumatic brain injury patients in Kansas City. Her C-section recovery journey led her to more understanding and greater appreciation for Pelvic Floor Physical Therapy, so she took the leap and started training to specialize. Today, she is the founder and owner of Well + Core Physical Therapy in Kansas City, and an advocate for re-writing the script about female wellness and sex education, especially within the Evangelical Church.
Bethany PetersonWell + Core Physical Therapy in Kansas City
Rachel Bradrick is a Kansas City-based physical therapist and the creator and owner of PTLearningLab.com. She graduated with her Doctorate in Physical Therapy from the University of Kansas and has worked extensively in outpatient, acute, skilled nursing, and traumatic brain injury care. Rachel is extremely passionate about patient advocacy and raising the standard of care among physical therapists. She and Bethany are currently collaborating on a Continuing Education Course for physical therapists based on the intersection of religious and cultural effects on vaginismus.
Rachel BradrickCo-Author, PTLearningLab
Can you relate to what Bethany and Rachel are saying? Why do you think women feel so uncomfortable touching themselves or so embarrassed at doctor’s offices? Let’s talk in the comments!
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