Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 30
June 14, 2021
PELVIC FLOOR SERIES: The 4 Main Causes of Vaginismus
In the month of June, I’m concentrating on pelvic floor issues, whether it’s with postpartum pain or other sexual pain. I started off this series talking about why the pelvic floor matters, and what can go wrong.
Today I want to concentrate on a particular pelvic floor issue: vaginismus.Vaginismus is not the only thing that can cause pain during sex–other conditions like lichen sclerosus or vulvodynia can as well. But today I’d like to focus on vaginsimus because it’s the most common and it seems triggered, at least in part, by our beliefs.
;Ever since the beginning of January I’ve been a guest on at least 3-4 podcasts a week talking about our new book The Great Sex Rescue. And one of my goals, whenever I’m on another podcast, is that I manage to get the word “vaginismus” in each time.
I like to tell people that, of couples under the age of 45, vaginismus is far more common than erectile dysfunction (we found over 22% of women reported having experienced sexual pain, of which vaginismus is the most common form). And yet we’ve all heard the word “erectile dysfunction.” Few of us know the word “vaginsimus.”
And because we don’t know it, when a woman who waited to get married to have intercourse tries for the first time and finds it extremely painful if not impossible, she’s bewildered. She had no idea this could happen. She figures the problem must be with her. So she concludes, “I must be a freak.”
That’s my story, and I’ve shared it several times. Vaginismus is an involuntary tightening of the muscles in the vaginal wall, which makes penetration difficult if not impossible. Some women may find they aren’t even able to insert a tampon. But, again: it’s involuntary. You aren’t deliberately causing it.
So what IS causing vaginismus?Almost thirty years ago now, when I first had it, I was marched off to counselors because it was assumed that I must have trauma in my past, and if I can deal with those memories I’d be fine. I was also taken to a gynecologist who was sure the root was shame, and he was going to put me on an examining table with my feet in stirrups and touch each part and name it, and have me watch with a mirror, until I was comfortable.
I ran out of his office and never went back.
Thankfully there’s been more research done on this since (including by us, in our survey of 20,000 women), and I’d like to share it today. However, to be frank, in many cases we just don’t know. There hasn’t been nearly enough research into vaginsimus (there’s been way more research into male sexual dysfunction). So we’re still largely figuring this out, and I’m going to mention here some of the things that we’ve learned and that have appeared in academic journals. I hope one day we’ll have a clearer picture.
1. Physical risk factors for vaginismusVaginismus affects the muscles in the pelvic floor, so anything that impacts that area of the body can trigger vaginismus. Researchers have identified a number of risk factors for vaginismus, including:
Trauma in that part of your body, including bad tears from childbirth; surgery; or traumatic injury.Menopause (this is rare, but in some women the changes in blood flow to the area can cause a tightening; don’t be paranoid about it though! If it happens, just know that there’s treatment).Bowel issues, including chronic constipation or painParticipation in some sports. There’s research currently underway looking more at this, but sports like cycling and horseback riding have been shown to affect the pelvic floor and sexual function in general. Also, sports that require certain postures–such as gymnastics and dance, seem to also trigger tight pelvic floor muscles when not done properly.So those are the physical risk factors. Let’s move on to the others!
Note: when vaginismus is not due to primarily physical reasons, but stems mostly from trauma, beliefs, or relationship dynamics, vaginismus can be situational. For instance, it may occur only with sex but not with gynecological exams, or with gynecological exams but not with sex. When vaginismus has at least a partial physical component, it’s often more global–occurring in all situations.
2. Trauma-response risk factors for vaginismusIt’s not surprising that vaginismus can also be a trauma response. If you have sexual abuse in your past, your chance of experiencing vaginismus increases. Trauma from a difficult birth situation can also trigger secondary vaginismus, or vaginismus that you develop later in life.
It was often assumed that all vaginismus was in this category, but increasingly people are realizing that while this is a factor for many, it is by all means not universal. Most of the women who comment on this blog or who talk to me about vaginismus were not sexually abused, and they’re really bewildered. Sexual abuse is a tragic but easily understandable cause; your body was traumatized, and so it is literally saying, “keep out!”
If trauma is a part of your history, please, along with a pelvic floor physiotherapist, see a trauma counselor who can do exercises with you to help stop the trauma response–that fight, flight or freeze mode your body goes into automatically.
3. Psychological risk factors for vaginismusAs I’ve said before, one of the reasons that we wanted such a large sample size for our survey for The Great Sex Rescue was so that we could isolate those who have suffered from vaginismus and see if we could discover some underlying commonalities.
And we did! Yay!
We found that some of the harmful messages that we can internalize about sex can make vaginismus more likely. Specifically, two particular beliefs increased the rates of sexual pain:
The obligation sex message: believing “I am obligated to have sex with my husband when he wants it” can increase your risk of experiencing vaginismus by 39%.Believing “I must have sex with my husband frequently to keep him from watching porn” increases your risk of vaginismus by 19%.The interesting thing about these two findings is that they include marriages where the husband doesn’t believe these things at all! This is true even if the dynamic in their marriage doesn’t bear this out. When women feel as if they are having sex under threat–that they don’t have a choice, they’re not allowed to say no, and their needs don’t matter, the chance of experiencing vaginismus goes up.
Other researchers have also found that purity culture beliefs, specifically around shame of sex, also increase vaginismus. Rachel Joy Welcher, in her book Talking Back to Purity Culture, talked to so many women who had experienced this.
Many doctors know that “negative beliefs about sex” impact vaginsimus, but they don’t break it down into which beliefs in particular.It’s usually assumed that women have shame around sex. That’s certainly how I was treated–I must be ashamed of my body. For many women this is true, but for many it’s not. I certainly wasn’t. We can have negative beliefs about sex that aren’t related to feeling shameful about sex, and we’re hoping to develop a diagnostic tool that physiotherapists can use to help them isolate which beliefs, in particular, may be exacerbating the problem.
What needs to be understood is that in these cases, women are experiencing these messages as trauma, as I’ve explained in my post about The Body Keeps the Score and vaginismus. Even women who haven’t experienced sexual trauma can have traumatic responses to these messages, because the messages themselves are traumatic. They tell women: “you don’t matter. He has the right to use you.” And our bodies can internalize that.
I was on a podcast recently where a man was talking about his and his wife’s faith journeys since realizing how toxic their purity culture upbringing had been. She has now left the faith; he’s trying to find Jesus while discarding toxic teaching. When I started talking about how the body interprets the obligation sex message as trauma, he began tearing up. He told me that the week before his wife had started reading books on purity culture’s effects, and it had affected her body. She stopped sleeping. She began having migraines again. She started to have stomach pains. And so she had to put the books down for a time. It brought back the trauma that she had carried in her body from these messages.
4. Sexual dynamic risk factors for vaginismusWhat happens when our harmful beliefs get acted out in the bedroom? Very, very bad things.
Our survey found that:
Women who feel their voice doesn’t matter in marriage are 138% more likely to report experiencing vaginismus.Women who report that their main motivation for having sex is because they’re obligated to are 180% more likely to experience vaginismus.When women feel pressured by their husbands, and feel as if they don’t matter in marriage, vaginismus rates skyrocket even more than when women simply believe these messages themselves.
You may also enjoy:Why Duty Sex Isn’t Sexy (podcast)What if You’re Sabotaging Yourself with the Duty Sex Message?What is marital rape?The Obligation Sex & Coercion podcastBut there’s another dynamic that can lead to vaginismus, even with kind-hearted and good-willed men, and for that, I have a behind-the-scenes research story.
Joanna and Rebecca, my co-authors for The Great Sex Rescue, made one thing perfectly clear going into this project:
They were not, under any circumstances, going to reinforce purity culture.They are both millennials who grew up in purity culture, and they didn’t want to reinforce those messages.
So even though we asked about sexual history before marriage, Joanna was determined not to run any stats on those findings. They figured, “if we find out sex is better if you wait until marriage, do we really want to say that? It makes everyone who is married and can’t do anything about it now feel badly.”
But then I pushed back, because there was one stat I really wanted, and they relented.
I said, “I just want to know if waiting until the wedding increases the chance of vaginsimus.”
You see, we had done so many focus groups with women who had told us, “even though I do believe in a Christian sexual ethic, and I was a virgin when we married, I sometimes wish we had given in and had sex before we were married when we were making out and I was actually aroused, because I wonder then if I wouldn’t have had vaginismus.”
So we wanted to test it! And Joanna did. And yep. It made a difference.
Sheila Wray Gregoire, Rebecca Lindenbach, Joanna SawatskyThis stat isn’t actually in The Great Sex Rescue; we ran it after it was published when we were writing The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex. But we found that women who:
had only had sex with their husbandsand their husbands had only had sex with themand she has no abuse in her pastare 19% more likely to experience vaginismus if they wait for the honeymoon than if they have intercourse beforehand.
Now, I don’t believe that this invalidates a Christian sexual ethic.I think what this shows is that arousal matters! If you have sex before marriage when you plan on waiting for marriage, chances are you’re having sex because you got “carried away”–aka aroused. But on the wedding night we are often (1) exhausted; (2) awkward; (3) feel pressure to perform. We feel that “obligation sex” message because now we’re supposed to. And because we don’t know what we’re doing, we often miss important steps and go right to intercourse because now we can have it.
That’s why in our Honeymoon Prep Course we stress so much that the goal for the honeymoon is arousal, not intercourse. Just figure out the arousal piece, and even the orgasm piece, and then the rest will fall into place!
Are you ready for the honeymoon you always dreamed of?
The Honeymoon Course is here to help you plan the perfect honeymoon and start your marriage (and your sex life!) off with laughter, joy and fun!
Don’t make the same mistakes other couples have–get it right from the beginning!
Learn moreIf you’re already married, The Great Sex Rescue spends chapter 4 on figuring out how to discover arousal if you missed that piece by rushing through the wedding night.
When we continue to have sex when we aren’t aroused, and when we don’t know if we’ll get aroused, but we feel like we have to have sex anyway–vaginismus can be the result.
These 4 causes of vaginismus often overlap each other.For some women one will be more of a factor, or the only factor (making treatment far easier). For others it may be more complicated. You have to treat the physical issues, but you also have to untangle the negative sexual dynamics that have often arisen because of vaginismus.
That’s why most people will need not just a pelvic floor physiotherapist (which I highly recommend!), but also some work untangling the psychological and trauma issues, with a trauma counselor if appropriate, or by reading books like The Great Sex Rescue to deconstruct some of the harmful things you’ve believed. Or maybe all of the above!
If you’re walking through vaginismus, I just want you to know that I get it.This was my story for several years too, and we developed all kinds of horrible dynamics as I tried to fix it in all the wrong ways. Tomorrow we’ll look at some specific ways you can help your pelvic floor relax and help your body recover!
Pelvic Floor SeriesWhy the Pelvic Floor MattersWhat Can You Expect from a Visit with a Pelvic Floor Physiotherapist?PODCAST: What should you expect after childbirth?3 Keys to Childbirth Recovery The 4 Main Causes of Vaginismus? Why Exploring Your Pelvic Floor is Crucial to Your Health (and Sex Life!) (June 15)How to Address and Treat Vaginismus (June 16)The Pelvic Floor Podcast (june 17)How to Do a Kegel Exercise (June 21)How to Prevent Other Pelvic Floor Issues (June 28) 
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts Preparation, Rest, and Community: 3 Keys to Childbirth RecoveryJun 8, 2021 | 22 Comments
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June 11, 2021
Why We Need a More Nuanced Conversation about Post-Partum Sex
When we first wrote The Great Sex Rescue, and started talking about some of the terrible things that we found in evangelical sex books, we didn’t know which themes were going to catch on. I actually thought it was going to be Every Man’s Battle calling women methadone for their husbands’ sex addictions, or Emerson Eggerichs saying that “if your husband is typical, he has a need you don’t have” in Love & Respect.
But over and over again, what comes up in private messages to me, and in comments on social media, is people very upset about Kevin Leman’s pressure on women to give husbands sexual favors during the postpartum phase. That’s what makes women’s blood boil the most.
Camden Morgante, a licensed clinical psychologist who has been a guest on our podcast and has written for us about purity culture, joins us today to talk postpartum sex and her reaction to Kevin Leman’s advice!
Sheila “Give him a hand job.”That is the advice given to post-partum women in books like Sheet Music by Kevin Leman:
There are times for whatever reason that a wife may choose to make use of… ‘hand jobs’. A woman…who has just gotten through a pregnancy…may genuinely feel that sex is more than she can handle. But with a minimum of effort, she can help her husband who feels like he’s about ready to climb the walls because it’s been so long.
Kevin LemanSheet Music
When I read that quote several years ago before getting married, I thought that sounded like a good compromise. A married man cannot be expected to go weeks without sex, right? That opens the door to temptation. Surely a hand job is a conciliatory act to tide him over until his wife can have sex again.
Fast forward to 2018 when my husband and I had our first child.Amidst recovering from a C-section, dealing with breastfeeding challenges, trying to care for my daughter, and managing my post-partum depression, giving my husband a hand job was the last item on my “to do” list.
Fortunately it was the last thing on my husband’s mind too. He was also consumed with caring for me and our daughter by getting up during each night feeding, driving us to appointments since I couldn’t drive for a few weeks post-surgery, and cooking and cleaning.
What is missing from Leman and other male authors’ understandings about sex is that sex is not a need. Sex is a drive, it is an urge, it is a desire, but it is not a biological need. As Sheila, Rebecca, and Julia emphasize in The Great Sex Rescue, there is no 72-hour rule! And contrary to medical procedure, there is not a six-week rule for when a woman’s post-partum healing is up.
If we look at sex as just a biological need, there is so much we are missing in a biblical, holistic understanding of sex.God created sex to be a whole-person, unifying, and connecting experience in marriage. If it were simply a biological need, God would not have created marriage as the only holy grounds for sex. If it were simply a drive or urge, God would not have asked us to reserve marriage for our spouse only. And if it were simply a desire, God would not have asked us to submit that desire to Him and steward our sexuality in a way that honors him.
And what the Christian books also misunderstand is that sex is not the only way to show love.
Instead, The Great Sex Rescue says:
Is it kind for a man for a man to ask for a hand job when his wife is unwell? […] Do we really believe that the kindness that flows from the Holy Spirit working in our lives would ask an exhausted, torn apart postpartum woman for a hand job?
Now, there is nothing wrong if she wants to give him a ‘gift’…But setting this up as the expectation—that she will provide release or he will sin, even if she is sick or unwell—is just not kind.
If sex is not about a physical release but about a holistic, intimate, and mutually pleasurable experience, then a hand job given out of obligation does not those requirements. It gives a physical release, and some women may choose to show love to their husbands in this way. But it is not a requirement, duty, or obligation. You don’t have to satisfy or pacify your husband for a lack of intercourse post-partum and “make up for it” with a hand job, like you would make up for a canceled birthday party for a child with a new toy.
Sex is one way we show our love, commitment, and intimacy with each other, but it is not the only or even the primary way. The post-partum period offers a beautiful opportunity for couples to express love in acts or demonstrations, in faithfulness and in service.
In The Great Sex Rescue, Rebecca shares her story of post-partum healing after a traumatic birth experience and a third-degree tear. Months after having a baby, she started initiating sex out of guilt for “depriving” her husband Connor. But Connor knew she wasn’t ready, and he gave her the grace to wait.
Connor’s self-sacrificial love meant that my fears…started to dissipate. He never pushed anything if I wasn’t feeling up to it but went entirely at my pace. In fact, he never even viewed it as ‘his’ sexual needs that were put on hold, but ‘our’ sexual needs. Making my physical recovery our priority proved to me repeatedly that he was not interested in a one-sided sex life. As a result, I had the space to recover not only physically but emotionally too. Because of how my husband handled this, sex stopped being something I dreaded. He took away all the guilt, all the fear, and all the unknown and replaced it with a true agape, 1 Corinthians 13 kind of love.
The post-partum season is not sexy. It is not romantic.There are no hot tubs and champagne toasts. Instead, there might be birthing tubs and bottles. There are no helicopter rides and roses. Instead, there might be wheelchair rides out of the hospital and flowers sent by grandparents that get overlooked. But the expressions of love between a husband and wife post-partum are so meaningful, giving us a chance to demonstrate agape love to our spouse.
When I gave birth, I felt affection in the card my husband gave me “from our daughter” saying what a good mom I already was.
I felt romance in the way we sat together with our daughter and painstakingly worked on breastfeeding.
I felt tenderness in the way he helped me shower and dress for the first time after my C-section, when I was unable to pull up my underwear or put on my socks.
I felt commitment in the eight weeks of parental leave he took from work to be home with both of us.
I felt partnership in the additional four weeks he spent at home with our daughter when I went back to work.
Contrast this with a therapy client of mine whose husband and whole family went to attend a football game days after she gave birth, leaving her and her newborn home alone.
What many Christian sex books have wrong is the emphasis on sex as a biological, physiological need that carries with it the obligation to meet your spouse’s need—at all times, regardless of circumstances.If sex is not mutually connecting, consensual, and pleasurable, then it ceases to be godly. Despite the promises of purity culture or evangelical books on sex, sex can take place in a marriage without being pure.
In a Christian marriage, we are supposed to treat each other’s bodies as our own. In our case, part of my husband caring for my post-partum body as his own was allowing time for healing and recovery without any pressure or expectation for sex. And he did not just give me space—he actively participated in my healing in physical ways, through serving me and caring for me and our daughter, but also emotional ways, by continuing to affirm and show me love.
The pressure for post-partum sex exactly six weeks after delivery is part of society’s perpetuation of the myth that women should “bounce back” after having a baby and that men’s lives should change very little.The expectation of a sexual consolation—a “hand job”—offered in the waiting period is part of Christian culture’s perpetuation of the myth that women are solely responsible for men’s sexual needs without any consideration of their own needs or comfort level.
In reality, becoming a parent was a complete transformation for both my husband and I—and for this third entity, our marriage. Continuing to share expressions of love and commitment during this jarring time period solidified our co-parenting bond and strengthened our marriage. It also helped me feel less alone in my post-partum mood struggles and eased my transition back to work.
We all know you can have sex without love. But you can also have love without sex. Let’s normalize showing our spouse love and dedication in the post-partum period without the unrealistic pressure or premature expectation of sex.
Sheila says; Thank you, Dr. Camden! And be sure to take Camden’s free quiz: Which Purity Culture Myth Affects You?
Did you feel pressure postpartum to resume sex? Or was this not an issue for you? Let’s talk in the comments!
Camden Morgante Psychologist, Writer and Speaker
Dr. Camden Morgante is a licensed clinical psychologist and adjunct college professor. She writes and speaks about Christianity, psychology, and gender equality and is currently writing a book on the myths of purity culture. Camden lives in Knoxville, TN with her husband and their daughter.. Be sure to take Camden's free quiz "Which Purity Culture Myth Affected You?" FacebookTwitter Related Posts Why Is So Much Evangelical Sex Advice Out of Touch? Our Interview with Fathom MagJun 7, 2021 | 18 Comments
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June 10, 2021
The Jesus and John Wayne Podcast with Kristin Kobes Du Mez!
Kristin is the author of a book that is getting a ton of buzz–Jesus and John Wayne. Interestingly, The Great Sex Rescue is often recommended by Amazon to people who buy Jesus and John Wayne, so I guess people are buying both of our books together!
Kristin looks at the history of evangelical culture, specifically in the United States, where militaristic, chauvinistic, and cutthroat male behavior became the standard for evangelicalism, rather than love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control.
Plus Becca and I talk about how to find a church when you’re disillusioned, and Katie joins us for something funny!
So listen in:
Browse all the Different Podcasts
See the Last “Start Your Engines” (Men’s) Podcast
Or, as always, you can watch on YouTube:
Timeline of the Podcast:
0:45 Kristin Kobes Du Mez joins us to talk Jesus and John Wayne
40:15 Rebecca and I tackle a reader question about finding a mentor
45:50 Katie joins us for something lighthearted!
53:45 Some encouragement for The Great Sex Rescue
Kristin and I have gotten to know each other well on Twitter, and she was kind enough to write a review for The Great Sex Rescue (It’s on the back of our book!). And this week Jesus and John Wayne is available in paperback–so it’s a great week to order it!
Rebecca and I fan girled a bit in this interview. We really love Kristin and what she’s doing, and she’s so fearless when people come after her on Twitter and she doesn’t let it get to her. So we have a lot to learn from her!
Many of you have been asking me to have Kristin on the podcast, and we did record this a few weeks ago (before my hair got way too long. But we’re still locked down and I can’t get a haircut!). Kristin’s been on a ton of podcasts, and we decided to focus in our interview on her chapter on sex, and talk with her about some of the things that we saw as well. That doesn’t get mentioned in most of the podcasts she does, so we thought this may be a little different!
Reader Question: How do I find a mentor when my church is crazy?A young woman wrote in with this question:
As someone who grew up with horrendously abusive parents and has cut them off from any future opportunity to harm me (best decision of my life), I need an older man/woman in my life that I can lean on.
However, I find myself TERRIFIED to trust any “Christian” who is also spiritually abusive. And I also haven’t been impressed with the selection of psychologists I’ve been to, either. My parents were high-profile “Christians” and had every person fooled, on the outside. I don’t attend church (though I’d love to feel like I am loved and belong!), as I’ve been to many different Evangelical churches (all different denominations) and have been completely discouraged by the terrible examples of Christ’s love I’ve witnessed. Even at “Christian” university. It happens time and again, even though I’m trying to be gracious and hope for the best.
I certainly don’t aim for perfection in others, but do expect myself and all who call themselves followers of Jesus to take up our cross and die to self, demonstrating active love for others.
I love that your family recently spoke about your year of church homelessness and Becca’s righteous indignation (LOVED IT!!!:) about the people in the pews being the ones to follow Christ, instead of the leaders.
I am asking this question in light of your personal experience (as a family) – not being able to trust most leaders, backlash from “churches,” lack of Christ-like love, covering up and diminishing sin.
I genuinely feel alone like Job, Noah, and Elijah (when he was in the cave, feeling rejected). Jesus certainly experienced SO much more rejection. So what should I do?? Where can I turn to find mature believers?
Becca and I tackle this one!
And as an aside, you may remember Lexi, the woman who recorded Mark Gungor when she confronted him about mishandling her sexual abuse. She just graduated from college, and she doesn’t have very much family support since she turned on Mark Gungor’s church. If you want to support her by sending her a graduation gift or contributing to Paypal, I know she’d appreciate it.
Katie joins us for some behind the scenes look at our family!Katie just made what I think is her funniest video living our her “dream” of becoming a model on the cover of a Christian romance novel. The photo shoot with David is hilarious, but then, halfway through this video, she gets on Facetime with Rebecca and me as we brainstorm titles and plots for all of these books, and then create the covers.
It’s fabulous.
And this is honestly what our family is like in the evenings!
Things Mentioned in This Podcast:Jesus and John Wayne–order it this week!. And follow Kristin on Twitter like I do. She’s awesome.The Great Sex Rescue: A great companion to Jesus and John WayneOur Patreon group: Support us for as little as $5 or $8 a month to help fund new social media outreaches and Joanna’s work getting our research into peer reviewed journalsKatie’s awesome video and our awesome romance novels we made up, plus Katie’s Instagram where you can see all the covers on her story highlightsOur podcast on feeling spiritually homelessLexi’s graduation gift registry and Paypal
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts The Man Who Changed a Grieving HeartJun 4, 2021 | 28 Comments
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June 9, 2021
8 Ways to Improve Sex for International Lovemaking Day!
(If some of you don’t get that, it’s 6/9. I feel like some 13-year-old boy giggling at a sexual innuendo, but there you go).
Dan Purcell, the creator of the Intimately Us app, was a guest on the podcast last week letting us know about this date, and how the premium features of his app are free today and tomorrow!
Read My Review of It! Check the App Out! I was thinking about how to approach this event, and I thought today may be a good day to celebrate the real beauty of sex.We’ve spent several months talking about how WRONG the church has all too often gotten sex, and how much couples have been hurt in the process (especially women).
But in The Great Sex Rescue, we tried to leave everyone with a vision of what great sex looks like in our final chapter on Passion.
Sex is the height of physical pleasure on earth–when we stop worrying about what’s going on around us; when we almost stop thinking and just simply experience. But what makes it so powerful is not just the physical but the spiritual and emotional closeness. It’s the fact that you’re doing this with someone you love. It’s that intimate deep “knowing” of each other as the Bible says. It’s that longing for connection, that longing to be completely known, completely vulnerable, and still loved.
I think that’s why God talks about His relationship with us in sexual terms. I believe (and I think you can make a good biblical case for it) that God made sex to reflect how He feels about us. This longing for a relationship that is more than just duty or obligation or arm’s length. It’s this total “knowing.”
I’ve written before about how even an orgasm shows us something about God: How at our most passionate moment, we’re not really in control in the same way. We surrender to the moment. We experience. We’re pure joy.
And that’s what God wants from us, too. We don’t need to be proper and orderly and in control. We can be passionate and lose ourselves to the moment, to the relationship. We can be dancing in public like David in 2 Samuel 6, or like the woman pouring perfume on Jesus’ feet while she was crying. What others think of you no longer matters; it’s that pure devotion in your relationship with Him, when all you see is Him.
That devotion, that passion, is best illustrated with sex.And that’s why great sex isn’t focused on orgasm, but on the object of devotion. The point of David’s story was not the dancing before the Lord, but the Lord. The point of anointing Jesus’ feel with perfume was not the perfume but Jesus.
We explained it this way in The Great Sex Rescue:
For sex to feel intimate, it needs to be about saying, “I want you,” not just “I want sex.” It needs to be about saying, “I see you. I choose you. I want to experience something with you, and only you. I want to know you better.”
You is the key word. You are the focus. Sex is not just about me; it’s about me knowing you and building us.
Page 22, The Great Sex Rescue
That’s why, for great sex, both people need to matter.This is why obligation sex doesn’t work! You can’t be passionate and share of yourself and become vulnerable if only one of you matters. If one of you has your needs ignored, then sex is no longer a deep knowing. It’s actually a rejection of one of you as a person. And a deep knowing means that both of you matter!
That’s one of the things I love about the Intimately Us app. It’s so focused on helping you learn what the other person wants, and it helps you say those things that are sometimes difficult to tell each other.
Vulnerability is hard. And yet vulnerability and great sex can’t be separated. A “deep knowing” requires vulnerability! So the more we learn to communicate, to tell each other what we want, to tell each other what we’re scared of, the better sex is going to be.
Ironically, it’s this vulnerability that in some ways can make sex less pressure!Yes, vulnerability is daunting. Any time we get to deeper levels of communication, it’s daunting. We’re revealing more of ourselves.
But with vulnerability comes this willingness to “let it all hang out.” To mess up. To not get everything perfect. To make mistakes. With vulnerability, you’re accepting each other for who you are, not who you should be.
You know, 36% of women who regularly reach orgasm during sex still said that they felt little emotional connection to their husbands during sex. Sometimes sex can tick all the right boxes, but it’s still not particularly fulfilling. Some people do respond physically quite easily, but that doesn’t mean that sex is the end all and be all for them. It doesn’t mean that they’ve achieved something amazing.
I know there are so many of you who read this blog who struggle with orgasm.I’m thinking of some of my frequent commenters who have almost given up hope. And I feel so deeply for you!
But I guess what I’d want to say is that as we become more vulnerable with each other–both of you together–then this pass/fail thing will be less of a thing. You’ll be able to roll with it more easily. You’ll be able to realize, “this is just for us to experience together, no matter what happens.” And the more you’re able to get lost in each other, the more likely that orgasm is going to happen anyway! And if you can’t get lost in each other, that may be part of the problem.
So I’d like to issue my own challenge for International Lovemaking Day: Truly be vulnerable with your spouse.Obviously this challenge only applies if you’re in a safe relationship. If you can’t be vulnerable, then it’s better to ask the question, “what is holding us back?” And “Is this something where we need to talk to a counselor? Is this something we can resolve by addressing some real issues? Or does this mean that the relationship isn’t safe for me?” And please get appropriate help.
You may also benefit from:Iron Sharpens Iron Series: How Change Happens in Marriage10 Signs of an Emotionally Destructive RelationshipBut while good sex can help you to feel close, truly great sex is built on a foundation of vulnerability at every level. And isn’t that what “lovemaking” is all about? It’s not just having sex. It’s forging a deep, loving relationship.
With that big preamble, then, here are 8 ways to feel more vulnerable with each other and take sex to the next level! Not all will apply to you. Pick the 1-2 that resonate the most, and run with them!
1. Tell your spouse something they may not know about you.Use conversation starters to reveal more of yourself that you may never have told them.
2. Do a visioning exercise with your spouse.Where do you want to be in 10 years? In 5 years? What do you want your marriage to look like? What do you feel God is calling you to individually? As a couple?
I’ve got some visioning worksheets you can work through together here!
3. Pray together.This can be awkward for some people, but praying out loud can be so bonding! I’ve got some tips on 10 ways to pray as a couple that can help.
4. Share your favourite memories.When you close your eyes and picture your favourite time with your spouse, what would it be? What about when you were dating? Why?
5. Bless your spouse.What qualities do you see God growing in your spouse? Where do you see your spouse being led? Call these things out. Say something like, “I see how God is making you a kind-hearted leader, who notices and sees when people need support. I see how God is softening your heart. God made you to be His hands and feet to people. You are walking in that. And I bless you and pray for you as you continue to grow in God’s calling on your life.”
6. Bless your spouse’s body.Andrew Bauman wrote something so powerful in his book The Sexually Healthy Man that we had to quote him in our upcoming The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex! But in talking about how to make sex intimate rather than pornographic, he wrote:
Start with five minutes of uninterrupted eye contact. Sit a foot apart from your spouse, and look into each other’s eyes. No words, just lock eyes and hold the others’ gaze. After the five minutes are up, talk about the experience. What did you see? How do you feel? After emotional connection is established, you can begin to explore connecting sexually.
Explore each others’ bodies, communicating what brings each of you pleasure and what does not. Will you go slowly, practicing simply being with each other? Can you lay hands on each others’ bodies and pray for each other? Will you learn the stories of each other’s bodies? Each body part has a story to tell. Will you learn the stories of each body part and pray against Evil’s accusations? Will you hold each other closely while naked? Will you and your partner hold eye contact while having intercourse?
Andrew BaumanImagine how powerful that would be!
7. Share your fears about sexFor many of you, reading The Great Sex Rescue has been an emotional roller-coaster. I’ve heard from so many who have said that they read it through tears–good tears, but tears nonetheless. They realized how much they had internalized negative messages about sex. They grieved over the younger versions of themselves who were so hurt by these messages and who missed out on real intimacy because of them (that would be my story too!). And they’re still unpacking.
If that’s you, let your spouse in on it. Read portions of the book out loud that spoke to you. Let your spouse see some of your biggest areas of fear, and even shame if you can. When we can reveal the deepest parts of ourselves, intimacy blossoms.
8. Talk about your preferences, dreams, and desires!It can be difficult to tell your spouse, “I’d really like to try this!”, or “I don’t actually enjoy that.” We’re not used to talking about sex. We don’t want our spouse to feel hurt or inadequate. We don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.
But when you don’t tell them what you want, you lose vulnerability and intimacy, and then sex can’t blossom in the same way.
If you have difficulty with this, try the Intimately Us app! It’s designed not to help you have great sex in one particular way, but instead to help you communicate preferences and talk about things so that great sex happens naturally. Plus there are a ton of fun games!
Take me to the app! Of course, there’s also sexual technique and how to make sex PHYSICALLY feel great!And I’d point you to my orgasm course for that, or to my posts on how to make sex feel great for him and for her.
But I think the big thing that most of us are missing is that intimacy piece. And if sex is really going to be stupendous–if we’re really going to “make love”–then it needs to be about wanting each other, not just wanting sex.
I hope this helps you get there!
What else would you add? Do you ever find that sex can feel amazing, but you don’t feel connected? Or that you do feel connected, but the physical part isn’t kicking in? Let’s talk in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts PODCAST: Great Sexpectations, Childbirth Prep, International Lovemaking Day, and More!Jun 3, 2021 | 17 Comments
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June 8, 2021
Preparation, Rest, and Community: 3 Keys to Childbirth Recovery
Recovery from childbirth isn’t something that happens overnight, and it isn’t something you can achieve through will power or just “doing what needs to get done.”
Your body has just gone through tremendous trauma, and it needs time to heal.
That’s why in Scripture God actually ordained that women receive 40 days of rest after the birth of a boy and 80 days after the birth of a girl. She’d hang out in a tent with other women caring for her, and her husband wasn’t supposed to come near her for sex or anything. This was her healing time. She was “unclean”, which meant that she didn’t need to prepare meals for everyone. She couldn’t even touch their food! So she got that downtime that she needed.
I’ve written more about the Old Testament laws around periods here.
I think other cultures sometimes understand that women are meant to be given time to recover from childbirth more than our own culture does.
Today, we don’t live in community in the same way that other cultures do, where multiple generations often live together, or you live near all your relatives in a village.
My mother is good friends with a younger woman who immigrated to Canada from Kenya several years ago after her marriage. When Julia (not her real name) became pregnant, she asked all the women in her Bible study group and her knitting group to help her, because had she been in Kenya, all the aunts and cousins and sisters would have been there all the time to help. My mother became the honorary grandma, and for several months she visited every morning. The baby is even named after my mom! And now that Julia has had a second baby, my mom has several more babies who call her Nana.
But Julia wasn’t uncomfortable about asking, because this was normal for her.
I think we need to make it a new normal! So I thought today we’d talk about the three keys to recovery from childbirth.
Recovery from childbirth needs restI’m not talking about lying in bed all day (and, indeed, not moving can increase your risk of clots). But you shouldn’t be walking very much or lifting heavy things, and you should not be doing housework.
Your uterus is still expelling a lot of excess fluid and blood, and when you do too much, you tend to bleed more heavily. Some women also suffer worse tears than others, and some are recovering from Caesarean sections.
If you try to do too much too soon, you can increase the bleeding and get anemic; you can make healing from tears and surgery much more difficult; and you can even cause complications. Plus your body needs rest simply so that your milk supply can come in and so that you have time to bond with the baby. You’ll also be getting so little sleep with the baby’s needs at night!
So think of those first two weeks as being time that you bond with the baby and allow your milk to come in, while you care for yourself with sitz baths and showers. You should not be making dinner, vacuuming, or doing major housework.
When Alex was 3 days old, Katie came down to do Rebecca’s hair so she could have a shower and take some good pictures with the baby!
Now, that’s all very well and good, but how do you actually make this a reality? After all, this is super difficult, especially if your husband is working full-time and you have older children at home. So let’s look at the next two big things:
Recovery from childbirth is easier with preparationPhysical preparation for childbirthTwo things make recovery from childbirth harder: C-sections and bad tears. If you can reduce the chance of these things happening (you can never eliminate them, and don’t beat yourself up if it happened!), recovery will be so much easier!
We had a great chat with childbirth educator Jenn Riedy on last week’s podcast about this, and as she said, feeling comfortable during labor is one of the most important things, so do what makes you feel comfortable.
Meeting with a pelvic floor physiotherapist a few times during your pregnancy can also help, since the therapist can give you exercises to do to strengthen your pelvic floor, which can help reduce tears. Swimming and staying active during your pregnancy can also give you the stamina for labor. And allow yourself to rest in the weeks leading up to your delivery as well.
Also, talk with whoever will be there when you deliver, and make sure you agree on the birth plan and that you’re both clear about what it is. If you feel in the middle of labor that your wishes aren’t being considered or that nobody is listening to you, that can make labor much harder.
Practical preparation for childbirth recoveryBefore Rebecca gave birth to Alex, Katie and I visited her for a big slow cooker freezer meal prep day. We wanted to make sure that their freezer was full, so meals over the next few months would be super easy. Just make some rice, potentially put on some frozen veggies, and the rest is done.
Our super fun slow cooker freezer meal prep day!
Katie also cleaned and organized Rebecca’s apartment (she’s way better at that than either me or her sister) and that was a huge blessing.
Do everything you can to have your home clean and organized, and to have meals pre-made, before the baby arrives.
Practical preparation for caring for older kids after the baby comesWhen you go into labor, if you have older children, someone is going to have to care for that older one. Have a plan of who that will be,
As Rebecca’s getting ready to have another baby in the fall, they’re also planning on having some fun new things for Alex (their toddler who will be 2 when the baby arrives) to make the time special for him too. They’re buying 14 new books and 14 new toys so each day he gets a new book from Mommy and a new toy from baby. (She’s just stocking up buying things cheaply on Facebook marketplace). Then it’s still a special time for him as well.
With the next baby, I’ll be spending most of my time caring for Alex!
Recovery from childbirth needs communityAsk your husband for helpIf it’s possible for your husband to take a few weeks off of work, consider doing that. He needs time to bond with baby too, and if you have older children, he’ll be the main parent for those older kids for the first little while. If he has to work, make it clear that he will still be responsible for meals when he is home. Talk about your expectations now. I have known moms who made dinner as soon as they got home from the hospital, because he sat in his chair and turned on the TV and waited to be fed.
Ask the moms and aunts around you for helpNow’s the time to make use of family! You may not always appreciate them, and you may find too much of your mom hard to handle. But this may be a time in your life where you put up with stuff you may not normally put up with just because you need the help.
It’s okay to set boundaries, too, and say, “we’d like you to do the laundry, but we’ll be responsible for our own”, or “we’d love for you to help with the housework, and we certainly want you to spend time with the baby, but when the baby’s home, Dad will be doing the bulk of the work with the baby.” When I cared for Rebecca and Connor after Alex was born, I did all the housework and cooking so Connor could get used to changing diapers and burping him and settling him and bathing him. And Connor did great!
Alex’s first bath! I told Connor what to do, and he did it all and took it from there!
Ask friends for specific thingsMany of us also have friends who would love to help, but we feel uncomfortable asking for anything specific, because we feel like we should be able to handle this. So your friend says, “Let me know what I can do!”, and you say, “thanks so much,” but then nothing else gets communicated. Maybe we need a lesson from Julia who just asked her whole group of friends to be like her Kenyan family. Say, “I need someone to come in on Saturday morning to do laundry and mop and vacuum,” or “I need someone to take the older kids Tuesday and Thursday afternoons to the park,” or “I need three meals.” You can even create a sign up sheet in your Google Drive and share the sheet with friends and family. People often love the more direct approach. Knowing, “I can do their laundry on Saturday morning!” is so practical and easy, and lets someone know they’re helping in a way that you really need.
If you run the service committees at your church, don’t forget about second or third time moms!And now a word for those running these committees at church: Often we put so much work into making sure first-time moms have what they need, but it’s often much more difficult for moms the second or third time around! Even the practical, like who will stay with the older child when mom goes into labour? And mom can’t rest in the same way as she could with the first baby, so those meals are even more important once second or third (or fourth or fifth or whatever) babies come.
Yes, let’s roll out the welcome mat for baby showers for the first baby, but in terms of practical help, let’s not forget moms giving birth to the next babies!
So there’s my list–what would you add? What was the most helpful thing for you in recovering from childbirth? What was the biggest struggle? Let’s talk in the comments!
Pelvic Floor SeriesWhy the Pelvic Floor MattersWhat Can You Expect from a Visit with a Pelvic Floor Physiotherapist? PODCAST: What should you expect after childbirth? 3 Keys to Childbirth Recovery Let's Talk Postpartum Sex! (June 14)What Causes Vaginismus? (June 16)The Pelvic Floor Podcast (june 17)How to Do a Kegel Exercise (June 21)How to Prevent Other Pelvic Floor Issues (June 28) Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts What Can You Expect at a Pelvic Floor Physiotherapist Appointment?Jun 2, 2021 | 3 Comments
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June 7, 2021
Why Is So Much Evangelical Sex Advice Out of Touch? Our Interview with Fathom Mag
Recently I did a big interview with Rachel Joy Welcher, author of Talking Back to Purity Culture (remember the podcast she was on?) for Fathom Mag.
I’ve been doing a lot of writing for other websites recently to get the word out about The Great Sex Rescue, and I’d like to share them here, too, because it saves me some time, but also I’m pretty proud of them!
Rachel framed the article like this:
The Great Sex Rescue sets out to correct harmful and unbiblical teachings on sex and marriage—specifically those messages perpetuated by the evangelical church and popular Christian books. Not only that, it presents a way forward for couples who have suffered from these messages; a path that is guided by scripture and selfless love.
While the writing is engaging and accessible, it is not an easy read. It is challenging because of the uncomfortable truths it reveals about what we have been taught and—more than that—what we have unknowingly internalized. More than once, I stopped and shook my head, realizing that a message which has no foundation in scripture or the love of Christ had unwittingly shaped my view of sex and marriage. If you grew up in the church or reading Christian books, you will need to prepare yourself to do some grappling, face-palming, and a whole lot of praying. And know that you are not alone.
Rachel Joy WelcherFathom Mag, Interview with the Authors of The Great Sex Rescue
She then went on to ask several probing questions, including why we differentiate between sex and intercourse; why the evangelical world has ignored the problem of sexual pain in women; why we’ve assumed that men don’t need intimacy but only need release. Here’s just one question, and part of my answer:
Welcher: We have both discovered from our interviews that men want more than just mere physical release; that they, in fact, often feel unfairly depicted as animalistic, when emotion and connection matter to them as well. Why do you think that Christian culture has persisted in depicting men in this way? What damage has this caused in Christian marriages?
Gregoire: Honestly, we’ve struggled to understand this too, because the depiction of men in Every Man’s Battle, who want women to be their “methadone,” or in Love & Respect, who can’t handle a woman asking him to pick up his wet towel off of the bed, is completely the opposite of most men that we know. We wonder if part of it is generational. Those who write the majority of our evangelical bestsellers in sex and marriage tend to be white males from seventy to ninety (and some have now passed away, though their books still sell). When evangelicals started addressing sex in a big way in the 1970s, it was a reaction against the sexual revolution. They were trying to show how sex could be great in marriage while still preserving their idea of the nuclear family, which meant male leadership and authority, and so women’s needs were almost an afterthought. (As an example, we find it amazing how many books tell women they must reassure their husbands that they are good lovers, rather than telling husbands how to actually be good lovers.) We also find that the measure of success for a sex life in most of our bestsellers is frequency: as long as women provide sex a lot, then the sex life is good. But frequency is a poor measure. Marital satisfaction and orgasm rates are better measures for how well the couple enjoys each other overall, and other studies have found this too. But by focusing on frequency so that male needs are met, our books have considered her pleasure as an afterthought. Some seem unsure she can even achieve pleasure (Love & Respect never once mentions it, and says that sex is a need women don’t have), and so the aim seems to be, “convince her to give him sex regardless.” Finally, when we focus on marriage as hierarchical rather than as an intimate knowing, then one spouse’s needs and opinions will always be deemed less influential than another’s, and as a result, sex becomes transactional rather than life-giving.
Fathom Mag, Interview with the Authors of The Great Sex Rescue
And I encourage you to read the rest here!
I do want to comment on my answer to that question, though, because on Facebook this weekend I was going back and forth with a woman debating this one.
She argued that the issue was not a generational one but a theological one.When men believe that they are in authority and women must submit to what a man wants, then her pleasure is automatically an afterthought, because his needs and wants are emphasized. This can be true whether you’re 29 or 79.
I largely agree with her on this–I think it is largely theological.
The difference, though, is that I don’t think millennial authors would make some of the same “this is the way things are” claims that older authors take for granted.It was normal for baby boomers to assume that only men are visual and women aren’t. It was normal to assume that men have libidos and women don’t.
But these things aren’t true anymore, even in the secular culture. As women have been encouraged to embrace their sexuality in the world at large, this has changed the perception of women’s sexuality, so that I don’t think a millennial would assume that women can’t be visual, or that women don’t have libidos, in the same way.
I don’t think a millennial version of Emerson Eggerichs could get away with saying, “If your husband is typical, he has a need you don’t have,” for instance, because even if our millennial Eggerichs believed it, enough people around him would tell him that wasn’t true.
Perhaps I’m off on this, but I do think there’s been a shift. Even when I talk about women being visual, too, it’s millennial women who cheer the loudest and who argue that this has always been true for them.
I’m a Generation Xer woman; I don’t remember EVER talking about 6-pack abs on men when I was growing up. Perhaps I was just sheltered or I was in the wrong friend group or peer group, but I don’t remember it being a “thing”. But it certainly was for my girls, even in conservative religious circles. People talked about 6-packs.
I also wonder what would happen if we allowed women to teach on marriage to couples?Here’s another quote from the article where I dealt with this issue:
Welcher: It is clear from your writings that you care about female sexual flourishing; that you don’t want women left behind in marriage. In The Great Sex Rescue, you cite example after example from popular Christian books where male sexual pleasure in marriage is prioritized and women are discussed merely as vehicles to accomplish this, rather than as equal sexual partners. Why do you think the mutuality of sexual self-giving in marriage in 1 Corinthians 7:4–5 has largely been ignored in Christian writings and teachings on marriage? Were you able to trace this idea to a specific book, era, or misinterpretation of the passage?
Gregoire: Let’s talk numbers: women buy the books, and men don’t. I’ve read that 74% of nonfiction relationship books are bought and read by women. Why don’t men buy these books? Men often don’t feel the same societal pressure to fix relationships, while men are also discouraged from thinking about their feelings very much. Thus, when relationship troubles come up, men are more likely to retreat than to try to address them. If we want to fix relationships, then, we tend to address women. Even if you look at a marriage book aimed at couples, you’ll find that the majority of the advice is given to women (do the highlighter test; take a pink highlighter and a blue highlighter on any given chapter, and then look afterwards at which color is used more!).
When you combine this with the evangelical habit of having men speak to men or couples, and women only speak to women, we find that most of our sex books were written by men (or by couples where women only contribute one chapter). I think if a woman were writing, we’d see a lot fewer questions like this one from Love & Respect: “Why would you deprive him of something that takes such a short amount of time and makes him sooooo happy?” Women would know that bragging about taking a short amount of time is not actually a plus.
Fathom Mag, Interview with the Authors of The Great Sex Rescue
in the evangelical world men can teach couples, but women can’t. I was told when I started writing marriage books that I could only write books to women, while men could write books to couples. Similarly, when speaking at marriage conferences, Gary Thomas could speak on his own, but I had to speak with my husband (who actually is a great speaker, and at marriage conferences I prefer to speak with him than speak alone; I just find the juxtaposition difficult). The idea that a man is equipped to speak on marriage to women but a woman isn’t equipped to speak on marriage to men has created a situation where most of our marriage and sex advice has been given by men (or largely shaped by men).
I hope this is changing!
And, please read the whole thing! I think Rachel asked great questions and highlighted all the important parts of my answers, and it was fun to do!
The Great Sex RescueChanging the conversation about sex & marriage in the evangelical church.
What if you're NOT the problem with your sex life?What if the things that you've been taught have messed things up--and what if there's a way to escape these messages?
Welcome to the Great Sex Rescue. Order Now!
What do you think? Do you find some advice out of touch? Do you think it’s all theological, as one reader did, or do you have more hope like I do that things will change with new generations? Let’s talk in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts PELVIC FLOOR SERIES: Why The Pelvic Floor MattersJun 1, 2021 | 21 Comments
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June 4, 2021
The Man Who Changed a Grieving Heart
And today I have a lovely story I want to share with you from Manndi deBoef, one of my readers.
As may of you know, it’s been a heavy few months on the blog, and when Manndi sent me this story, it just made me happy. I hope it will make you happy, too!
Less than a year ago, I met a man that changed my life forever.This man came at a time I had all but given up on love. I had been through two heartbreaking miscarriages, one devastating divorce, one horrific death of a partner; all losses unimaginable for the hopeless romantic in which the younger version of myself identified. When the decade of my thirties hit, they practically shook me free of every single romantic yet naive notion I had as a young woman. Yet, I never fully gave up. My heart would not allow it. Deep down in the recesses of my broken and battered heart, I knew somewhere out there was a man just for me. A man that would embrace my crazy, accept my baggage, understand my deficiencies and see my imperfect ways as perfectly suitable to his.
That man waltzed into my life mere months ago. At the height of Covid, on our infamous first date, he picked me up at my parents’ house. Yes, at the rife old age of forty, I was picked up at my parent’s place (only because they were watching my kids and it made more sense from a logistics standpoint). Not to mention I did not want him to see where I lived in case he was a serial killer. Still…it was awkward. This man actually met my Father before any of the others (we do not speak of).
Fast forward to the best first date ever.We were practically kicked out of the restaurant (since when did high-pitched laughter and the sounds of a lifelong connection forming become a crime)? Pandemic life…UGH! Before they could ask us to leave, we took the cue and headed to a local botanical garden for some floral eye candy and wine-induced romance. The flowers were in full bloom, I was worried my self-tan would run due to the sticky summer humidity of the evening. He did not seem to care. We walked, we laughed, we talked about everything under the sun. I felt like a high school girl on my first date. It was glorious.
Next, we went to the bike trail near my house. I was not ready to let him see where I lived, but I figured bringing him a little closer to my natural habitat couldn’t hurt. We walked across the bridge and down to the river. We sat in the jutted pointy rocks at the river’s edge and talked about more things we had in common than not. When he said he had tickets to Alanis Morissette pre-covid, I knew there was something special that set him apart from the infamous others.
Finally, I said I needed to pick up my children and thus end the first date I desired to last forever. This mystery man that seemed almost too perfect drove me back to my parents’ house. Again, awkward. There was a goodnight hug and a promise of seeing me again. It was perfect.
When my head hit the pillow the night of our first date, I could not stop the reel replaying each moment I had spent just hours ago. I finally dozed off into a deep sleep with thoughts of this ultra-handsome, undeniably fun, seemingly perfect man still fresh in my mind.
After that first date, we agreed there was a very strong connection.We continued to see each other as much as humanly possible, given that we lived in different cities. We hit the trails and rode bikes on the weekends. He introduced me to his local hang-outs. I introduced him to my best friends. He had already met my parents and children, so while we held off on spending much time with family, when the time came, it wasn’t as awkward as that initial meeting when a couple is dating and collectively decides it is time to meet the other’s family.
I search my memory for the moment I knew. The moment I knew this man would be my future. While I could not imagine the present without him in it, try as I might, I could not put my finger on one particular moment in time. It honestly just feels like I always knew it was him. Justin. My Justin. Even before I knew, I knew.
This kindred bond is one of those rare soul connections in life that only comes along after so much pain, heartache and life journeys have distinctly molded you into the best version of yourself.
When we met, I felt I had known him all my life.We had so much in common. Even the passions and desires we did not share from the beginning have become interests we have each developed in efforts to spend more time with each other.
I never dreamed I would enjoy dirt biking. It is hot, dirty, dusty, loud and dangerous. Yet, the first time I saw Justin ride, his bike slicing through the air like it had wings, he pointed his index finger at me in a Tom-Cruise-Top-Gun sort of masculine heroic way, as he seamlessly sailed over the dirt-packed mound like it was nothing. Seeing him in his element made my soul burn with desire for a sport I had never given an ounce of thought to. Suddenly, I was a Super-Cross Super Fan!
We had many talks about our children. Being full-time single parents is not exactly a recipe for a prosperous dating portfolio, much less a healthy, lasting relationship. Yet, Justin knew from the beginning I was a package deal. If he were to fall in love with me, he would have to love my two young sons as well. I worried this might present a problem as it had with others. Yet, my worry was in vain. Justin easily accepted my sons as his own and developed a special, healthy, loving relationship with each child, separate but equal from that which he shared with their mother.
Seeing Justin with my boys gives me the confidence and assuredness to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is my person.There was no doubt of my feelings for him early on. However, seeing his glorious interaction with my sons, showing interest in their activities, sitting at basketball games and through swim team practice, taking them on honey-do errands when it would no doubt be just as easy (and much quieter) to go solo, sealed the already-sealed deal. The bonding with my kids came so naturally there was no room for doubt. My once-broken, hurting, separated family had become healed, happy and beautifully nurtured. A dream I had long ago given up on.
When I hear the song, He Didn’t Have to Be by Brad Paisley, my eyes fill with tears of resolute understanding and immeasurable gratitude. The song tells a story of a little boy growing up with a single mother. His mother meets a man and the boy assumes it will end like all of the others. Yet, that man falls in hopelessly in love with his mother and in time, falls in love with the little boy as well. That man becomes a Dad to the little boy and one day, that little boy, as he is holding his own precious bundle of joy, sings the beautiful full-circle words to his own child: “I hope I’m at least half the Dad you didn’t have to be. Because you didn’t have to be.”. That is how I feel when I see this beautiful man with my sons. When I see Justin with our boys.
Sometimes I catch myself looking at him. It sounds a bit creepy. Yet, I catch glimpses when he is driving, on the phone, washing dishes, feeding the dogs, interacting with my boys or parents, or just sitting on the couch watching Netflix with me after a busy day at work. I see such a grace and tenderness in this man. He is everything I am not. Patient, quiet, considerate and thoughtful in his responses to others and the world. He is gentle and takes time to do things right the first time (to avoid having to repeatedly repeat things which is my particular spiritual gift).
When I look at Justin, I see a hero, a worker, a fighter, a tender, loving father, a kind and respectful son, a loving and protective big brother. I see so many traits that paint a beautiful picture of the complete and very competent man he has grown to be. It positively blows my mind how blessed I am to be loved by this man I met on a dating site less than one year ago.
Four words I painfully worried I may never hear again. While I am still floating on Cloud Nine, dreaming of our future, the impact of being his future wife has not fully set in. At times, I have to pinch myself to prove this is not a dream. This is reality. Sometimes reality is even better than the dreams our limited human minds can conceive.
I know we are still in the new stages of relationship. The rose-colored glasses phase. Yet, I have seen enough to feel confident that I want Justin as my partner in this life. I want to fight battles with him, I want to wage wars with him, I want to peacefully throw up the white flag of surrender with him. I want his to be the first Good Morning of the day and the last I love you of the night. I want to sit on our front porch someday in wooden rocking chairs and reminisce about the foolishness of our youth, lessons learned in our adulthood, mistakes our children are currently making and pure, unfiltered joy at the sight of our grandchildren happily playing in the yard just beyond our front porch.
“I wish you could see yourself through my eyes.”. While this is a statement you (Justin) have said to me countless times, it adequately portrays the desire I feel for you to see through the many layers to the very core of my own beating heart. Only then could you possibly know the abundance of respect, desire, passion, curiosity and love that flows through my veins when in your company and reveling in the life we have made together. I blame you for my happiness. I blame me for not giving up on the one true love I knew deep down in my heart of hearts was out there in the world, waiting just for me. I could not say it any better than the poignant words of Rascal Flatts’ song…”God blessed the broken road that led me straight to you”.
Sheila here again: That story just made me happy. I know so many of my readers are leading lonely lives, and often we do have very broken roads. But I hope many of you find love, too, in whatever form it takes.
Keith says that Brad Paisley is responsible for most of the tears he’s cried in life, and he loves this song that Manndi mentioned, too, so I thought you may enjoy it as well:
Manndi works at the UMKC School of Pharmacy and as a freelance writer in her spare time. Her greatest passion is being a boy mom to her two rambunctious, creative, endearing sons, William, age 10 and Waylan, age 8. Her sons never fail to provide daily entertainment, which inspires many of her writings. She also loves to write about everything from being a single mom and dating after divorce to finding lasting love later in life, the devastation of miscarriage, the loss of a loved one and starting over. Her pieces are lovingly filled with inspiration, encouragement and always a touch of humor.
“Live a life others wish to read about.”
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June 3, 2021
PODCAST: Great Sexpectations, Childbirth Prep, International Lovemaking Day, and More!
This week was more of a fun podcast. As you’ll see from the two interviews we did, we were enjoying ourselves immensely talking about how to make different aspects of our lives awesome.
And to start with our pelvic floor series, we invited Jenn Riedy, a childbirth educator and doula, on to talk about what you should expect at childbirth and how to prepare for the recovery! And then I had my friend Dan Purcell on to talk about International Lovemaking Day–and Rebecca and I talked about whether you should really want to orgasm (that would be a yes).
Listen in!
Browse all the Different Podcasts
See the Last “Start Your Engines” (Men’s) Podcast
Or, as always, you can watch on YouTube:
Timeline of the Podcast
1:20 Birthing Coach Jenn Riedy joins us!
4:45 The importance of partner’s education
6:30 Every woman can do labour her own way
8:45 Sex during pregnancy
12:45 Postpartum recovery
28:00 Interview with Dan Purcell: How a conservative Christian couple created a Sex app
37:15 RQ: But sex is pleasurable without orgasm?
38:10 Arousal non-concordance
41:30 The nuanced way we talk about women’s sexuality
50:10 Encouragement!
Jenn has been helping moms to enjoy healthier pregnancies and births through education and hands on support since she founded Knitted in the Womb in 2001, after the birth of her first child.
Jenn’s passion to learn more about the topic and learn how to help other women/couples has only increased in the past few years and with the births of her next five children. In 2001 and 2002 Jenn became a doula and certified childbirth education instructor.
Jenn RiedyJenn Riedy is a doula and childbirth educator, and I feel like I know Jenn well from our interactions online! She’s a wonderful support to me, and she also is a wonderful support to new moms in the Lehigh Valley in Pennsylvania. But with COVID she’s been moving childbirth classes online!
I love her list of the timeline of recovery from childbirth, and what you can expect yourself to be able to do when. I hope all of us can stick to that schedule!
Contact Jenn Here For Her Online Classes Did You Know International Lovemaking Day is Next Wednesday, June 9? (Yes, that’s 6/9)Dan Purcell, from the Intimately Us app, joined me to talk about his vision for helping couples grow closer and boost marriages by adding more passion to their lives.
I’ve met Dan when I spoke at his Get Your Marriage On event in Utah last November, and really enjoyed getting to know Dan and his wife Emily.
To celebrate International Lovemaking Day, the premium features of Intimately Us will be available in the free version for June 9 and June 10! So check it out!
Read My Review of It! Check the App Out! Reader Question: I think you emphasize orgasm too much, Sheila!A woman wrote in saying that you can have pleasure without having orgasm, and that I’m putting too much pressure on people. She says:
One thing that I wanted to bring up is the equation that pleasure in sex equals orgasm. You talk a lot about how sex is much more than a physical experience, but orgasm is a physical experience. I have had sex with my husband without orgasming, but have thoroughly enjoyed it because of the connection and intimacy that we experienced. While I do agree that orgasm is helpful, amazing, to having a pleasurable experience during sex, it is so much more than that.
Also, another thing that rubs me a little the wrong way with this is the fact that rape victims, both men and women, can disassociate with their bodies and orgasm during rape. The idea that someone orgasmed during rape has been used to argue that the person consented to, or even enjoyed it.
Now I might be reading it the wrong way, but simple statements like “Sex can’t be pleasurable – she can’t experience an orgasm – …”
Great question, and we try to tackle that (and we talk about arousal non-concordance, too!). If you’re having issues with orgasm, please check out The Orgasm Course as well!
The Orgasm Course is Here to Help You Experience Real Passion!Figure out what's holding you back. Open the floodgates to orgasm.
Tell Me More about It! I Need that Now! Things Mentioned in This Podcast:Jenn Riedy’s childbirth classesThe Intimately Us app–and my review of the appThe Orgasm Course and the Honeymoon Prep CourseThe Women Aren’t Methadone PodcastThe Great Sex RescueSupport us at our Bare Marriage Patreon for just $5 or $8 a month! 
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitterThe post PODCAST: Great Sexpectations, Childbirth Prep, International Lovemaking Day, and More! appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
June 2, 2021
What Can You Expect at a Pelvic Floor Physiotherapist Appointment?
Yesterday we introduced our pelvic floor series, that we’ll be doing throughout the month of June! So many of you on Facebook especially left some great comments about how much pelvic floor physiotherapy has helped you.
However, many people still know nothing about it. In Europe it’s much more common than in North America. In fact, I believe in France every pregnant woman is given three appointments during pregnancy, and several follow-up ones afterwards (please correct me if I’m wrong!).
Here in Canada, pelvic floor physiotherapy is quite common. But I’ve heard from some American readers that it can be harder to access. And it can be, of course, expensive. But sometimes it’s worth investing $1000 in something that will be so helpful for you, if you have the cash flow. When things stop working, it can end up even more expensive.
A few years ago, Sheela Zelmer, a physiotherapist who specializes in pelvic floor issues, shared an article on this site about how a pelvic floor physiotherapist may be able to help you–with your vaginismus, incontinence, other pelvic pain, and more. Still, I know that the idea of seeing one can seem scary. First, you may have talked to your doctor about these issues for years sometimes and not gotten anywhere. Will another specialist really be able to help? But also, if you’re experiencing pain “down there”, do you really want physiotherapy there?
So Sheela wrote a follow-up article about what to expect if you go see a pelvic floor physiotherapist. And as we’re talking about that all month, I thought it was worth re-running, because we’re going to keep coming back to this throughout the month! So here’s Sheela:
Recently, I was in the lobby at church chatting with a group of women I had recently met and was faced with the inevitable question: “what do you do for a living”.
I am a pelvic floor physiotherapist.Often, when I tell someone that, I am met with wide eyes and an awkward head nod since most people have never heard of pelvic floor physiotherapy. That brief moment in the lobby wasn’t enough to explain what I do, and since I am more of a one on one kind of gal, this is what I would share if we had the chance to sit down over coffee.
Yes, pelvic floor physiotherapy is a thing.
The pelvic floor is the name for the group of muscles below the belt that extends from the pubic bone in the front to the tailbone in the back and side to side from one sitting bone to another. It surrounds the abdomen, bladder, uterus, bowel, vagina and rectum. A pelvic floor dysfunction is when the pelvic floor isn’t working the way it is supposed to. Examples of pelvic floor dysfunctions include things like bladder leakage, painful intercourse (vaginismus and other conditions), prolapse, and pelvic pain.
Unfortunately, many women will experience pelvic floor dysfunction.Up to half of all of women experience bladder leakage over the course of their livesBetween 10-33% of women report that sex is painfuland almost 10% of women report that they experience persistent pelvic painBut the sad thing is that less than half of all women seek treatment, and it can take years to get a diagnosis. That is a significant number of women that are experiencing problems, but far too few are getting help. But I want to tell you, you’re not alone and there is help.
As a pelvic floor physiotherapist, I have advanced training in the pelvic floor and I work with women, men and kids to treat their pelvic floor dysfunction. But what does that mean?When you arrive for your appointment you will have a lot of paperwork to fill out. Take your time and be honest. The questions can be quite personal, but your answers really help guide my assessment and treatment.
When it is time for your appointment to start, we will go into a private assessment room. Don’t worry, it is not out in the open or behind a curtained cubicle. I want you to be comfortable and feel safe to share what you are experiencing. I will review your paper work and probably ask you a few more questions just to make sure I understand what has been happening. It may be the first time someone has asked you about the details of what your experiencing, but it is so important that you feel you can fill me in on everything. I’ll also ask you what you hope to get out of our sessions. Every woman and every situation is different, so our treatment will be more successful if we both understand what we are working towards.
No, pelvic floor physiotherapy doesn’t hurtThe physical exam. For most women, it is the part that they dread, and it is my job to make sure you feel comfortable and safe. I will take my time explaining exactly what will happen during the examination, and how we will proceed. It is very important that you are comfortable with everything we will be doing and that you know you are free to ask as many questions as you need. I will only proceed once I get your go ahead, and we can stop at any time.
During the physiotherapy examination I will begin by examining your abdomen, hips and low back. Then I will examine the external part of your vulva and rectum. I am looking for anything that looks out of the ordinary like redness or scars. Once that is completed, I will proceed to the internal vaginal and rectal examination. This is nothing like a pap test. I will keep you covered with a paper sheet to maintain your dignity and proceed slowly explaining everything as we go. It should not be painful, and we can stop at any time if you are uncomfortable.
Based on your paperwork and on the physical examination, I will take the time to explain what I feel is causing your symptoms and make recommendations about how we can work together to treat the dysfunction. These recommendations might include exercises, tools such as dilators and wands, information about hydration, fibre, and general fitness as well as any manual treatment work I feel would be beneficial. I will also suggest how often you should come for treatment and estimate how long our treatment plan will take. You should leave your appointment with a clear idea about where to go from here.
Treatment plans for pelvic floor issues vary, just like us.Some dysfunctions can be addressed in 6-8 weeks and others can take up to a year, but I will do my best to communicate reasonable expectations so we can maximize our time together.
So where do I go from here?
(*** Disclosure of conflict: I am a paid independent contractor for Pelvic Health Solutions***)
It is interesting that there seems to be a physiotherapy clinic on every street corner, but very few pelvic floor physiotherapists. At the moment, we are a relatively small group of physiotherapists but we are growing. In Canada, each province has a regulatory College for practicing physiotherapists. You can use the search feature to find a pelvic floor physiotherapist near you. Also, many mom’s groups have Facebook groups and they may be able to give you the name of someone they’ve found helpful. And finally, there are independent registries for pelvic floor physiotherapists, but this varies between countries, states and provinces. Pelvic Health Solutions has an excellent Canadian list.
One final word about pelvic floor physiotherapyPelvic floor dysfunction is very common, but seldom talked about. When things are hidden and silent, shame grows. When we talk about our experiences it heals not only ourselves but others too and shame has nowhere to hide. Our bodies are a beautiful gift, so let’s keep honest conversations going. Our daughters and granddaughters will thank us.
I’m so glad Sheela joined us, because I believe many of us are suffering needlessly when there is help available. Have you ever been to a pelvic floor physiotherapist? Do you want to share what happened in your appointment?
NextPrevious About Sheela Sheela Zelmer, Pelvic Floor Physiotherapist. Sheela is a pelvic floor physiotherapist in the Greater Toronto Area treating women, men and children with pelvic floor dysfunction. She is also an instructor and teaching assistant with Pelvic Health Solutions, educating physiotherapists and other health professionals as they foster pelvic health with their clients.
Have you ever been to a pelvic floor physiotherapist? Let me know how it went for you!
Pelvic Floor SeriesWhy the Pelvic Floor MattersWhat Can You Expect from a Visit with a Pelvic Floor Physiotherapist? (June 4)PODCAST: What should you expect after childbirth? (June 3)How to Recover from Childbirth (June 7)How to Recover from Postpartum Pain (June 8)Let's Talk Postpartum Sex! (June 9)What Causes Vaginismus? (June 14)How to Do a Kegel Exercise (June 21)How to Prevent Other Pelvic Floor Issues (June 28) Related Posts PODCAST: What Is the U.S. Military Teaching about Marriage?May 27, 2021 | 46 Comments
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June 1, 2021
PELVIC FLOOR SERIES: Why The Pelvic Floor Matters
When I first started writing about sex, I had no idea how much the pelvic floor impacted our enjoyment of sex, or even our ability to have sex.
I thought of the pelvic floor more like my lungs–they’re there, I never think about them, they do their job. If I’m out of breath and my lungs are hurting, I don’t blame my lungs. I blame something else. The lungs are just automatic.
I even had major problems with my pelvic floor when I was first married, but I didn’t even know the words “pelvic floor” until I had been writing about sex for a while.
I’ve shared this story before, but let me share it again.
After I was married, I suffered from severe vaginismus, which is a condition of the pelvic floor muscles.I had been looking forward to getting married (and having sex!) for over a year. But as I wrote earlier, when I read The Act of Marriage, I felt my body change. It was the sex book given to pretty much all Christians in the late 80s/early 90s, and it made sex seem really ugly to me.
Even though I had been really looking forward to it (rather graphically!), suddenly I started having mini-panic attacks. The way that the book described what Keith should do to me on my wedding night sounded like sexual assault. It laid everything out, minute by minute, in detail. No longer was sex a fun voyage of discovery we would take together, a continuation of the journey we were already on; it became a prescription, where I had to let him do these things, no matter how I was feeling. I felt like I had no choice.
In retrospect, I shouldn’t have been surprised when intercourse wouldn’t work on our wedding night. But I had had no idea that was even possible. No one had ever mentioned this to me. I thought I was a freak, that I was hopelessly broken. I thought I was depriving Keith.
When we did manage to see a gynecologist who was supposed to be good at treating these things, he told us that the problem was that I felt shame about my genitals. The solution was to have me undress and lie exposed on his examining table, with my feet in stirrups, while he got a mirror and touched all the various body parts, and encouraged me to touch them, and then said their names.
I literally ran from the room and never went back.
At the time I was so ashamed. I couldn’t even do the treatment. Looking back, I’m so proud of little me!
Over the years, as I’ve learned more about the pelvic floor, I’ve understood more of what happened to me. I had both physical issues and emotional trauma that showed up in the pelvic floor.
What is the Pelvic Floor?
The pelvic floor includes the muscles, ligaments and connective tissue in the lowest part of the pelvis. It supports your organs, including the bowel, bladder, uterus, vagina, and rectum. The pelvic floor prevents these organs from falling down or out of your body. It also helps the organs function properly.
Voices for Pelvic Floor Disorders
When the pelvic floor muscles don’t work as they’re supposed to, different problems can occur, including:vaginismus (pain during sex)bowel control or bladder controlorgan prolapse (where the uterus descends into the vaginal canal)Back pain and bad postureStrengthening the pelvic floor muscles can help you:maintain bladder and bowel controlhandle childbirth more easily and recover more quicklyincrease sexual aorusal and sexual function (including orgasm)help lower back painprevent major problems like organ prolapsePelvic Floor Issues Can Be Caused Primarily by Three Things:A general weakening of the muscles with age, misuse, or medical conditions affecting the nervous system like Diabetes, Parkinson’s, Stroke, surgery, etc.Physical trauma in the area, especially that caused by childbirth, but also caused by chronic incorrect posture or holding of the muscles incorrectly (often from dance, skating, gymnastics, etc.). Chronic constipation, or stools that are difficult to pass, can cause problems over years as well.Emotional trauma. Just as emotional issues often show up in our gut, they can also show up in our pelvic floor.Some people can be more prone to pelvic floor issues, especially those with family history of them. Caucasians apparently have more issues with organ prolapse or bladder leakage due to sneezing or coughing, while African Americans have more issues with bladder leakage due to incontinence.
So let’s use me as a test case.When I went to the gynecologist, and when I saw other counselors at the time, the assumption was that I had been a victim of sexual abuse, and thus was “rejecting” Keith subconsciously because of this trauma. I must have major shame in my past that was preventing me from engaging the muscles, and my body was literally saying, “keep out!”
Only problem: I actually wasn’t.
But for two years I was paranoid that I had suppressed memories of sexual abuse. But it honestly hadn’t happened to me.
What did happen to me, I think, was three things:
I had done ballet for a decade, and always held my torso in a “tense” position with the muscles engaged, even when I slept. I honestly think my muscles were just in chronic spasm. I had always had issues with inserting tampons when I was younger, too, so I think the problem had its roots back then.
I also was beginning marriage with trust issues, since Keith and I had had a bad breakup during our engagement, and while we had gotten back together, I was scared of losing him. Add that to my past of rejection by father figures, and it was a perfect storm of trust issues.
And finally, I had heard the “obligation sex” message from The Act of Marriage, which profoundly affected me and changed my view of sex. We now know, after doing our survey of 20,000 women, that this message is heavily implicated in vaginismus, and I said, I remember tensing up as I read that book.
So I had chronic physical issues, several causes for emotional trauma. But none of it was sexual abuse.
How did I get over vaginismus?I think it was primarily three things:
TimeTrustLearning to physically control the musclesThe first thing we did was get a set of dilators and learn how to do Kegel exercises, or tensing and relaxing the pelvic floor muscles. I then learned to tense-and-relax, tense-and-relax during intercourse so that I would slowly begin to experience less pain.
But I think it was also a combination of building trust over the next few years. By the time our children were all born (and especially after Christopher died), I stopped having to pause and do the tense-and-relax thing everytime we tried sex. It somehow just worked.
I do believe that my recovery would have been speeded up immensely if I had seen a pelvic floor physiotherapist who could have told me that this wasn’t my fault, and that there were treatments that worked.But at the time, I don’t know if very many people had heard of pelvic floor physiotherapists, and so it wasn’t an option. I was only told about mirrors and stirrups.
You may also enjoy:Can a Pelvic Floor Physiotherapist Help Me?Other women develop pelvic floor issues around childbirth.My issues showed up the first time I tried sex, and many people with pelvic floor issues have that story. But many more people develop pelvic floor issues after childbirth.
We found that 32.3% of women have experienced sexual pain.26.7% of women have experienced postpartum sexual pain.22.6% of women have experienced vaginismus or some other form of primary sexual dysfunction that makes penetration painful.Overall, 6.8% of women have had such bad sexual pain that penetration was impossible.So pain with sex after childbirth is more common than vaginismus, and that makes sense. That’s a lot of trauma that you’re putting on that part of the body!
And if we push ourselves too quickly after childbirth, we can make those problems worse.
But aging also increases pelvic floor disorders.During menopause, you get a gradual weakening of those muscles, and prolapse can become a bigger risk. Incontinence of both bladder and bowel become more common.
So anything we can do to strengthen the pelvic floor is a good thing!This series is going to walk us through some of the more common problems with the pelvic floor, and how to seek help. Think of it like a friend who is walking beside you as you talk this all out. I hope to ask the right questions to get you thinking the right direction. I hope to give you some lightbulb moments (as I had when I first saw our survey results) so that you’ll realize what the roots of some of the problems might be.
But I’m not going to actually tell you how to fix these problems, because I’m not a pelvic floor physiotherapist! Some of the treatments that help vaginismus actually hurt recovery from childbirth, so it’s not a one-size-fits-all, and you do need expert help if you’re experiencing real difficulty. But I hope at least I can raise awareness, because I seriously knew nothing about any of this when I was having my problems.
One of the goals of our survey for The Great Sex Rescue was to uncover the roots of pelvic floor issues in evangelical Christians.It’s long been known in the academic and medical literature that conservative religious women (aka evangelical women) suffer from sexual pain disorders at twice the rate of the general population. What hasn’t been known is why.
One of the reasons we wanted such a large sample size (20,000 +) was so that we could get enough women with vaginismus that we could tease out what the differences were between those women and others (and we think we did!). We’ve now partnering with a pelvic floor physiotherapy university department to do more research and write some papers, and even develop a screening tool that pelvic floor physiotherapists can use to detect if their patients may have some of the risk factors that we’ve identified in religious women. So this is seriously exciting for us.
(And if you want to help with that effort, you can join our Patreon where you can give $3, $5, even $8 a month! That money supports Joanna as she continues our research and writes up the academic papers).
All of us–Joanna, Rebecca, and Sheila–have experienced pelvic floor issues that we’ve needed treatment for. And we’ll share more of our stories this month. And we’d like to raise awareness of this oft-untalked-about series of muscles, and understand how they can affect our daily lives and our marriages.
Let’s not live in ignorance or hopelessness anymore. And let’s be empowered to do what we can now to prevent problems in the future, too!
Have you ever seen a pelvic floor physiotherapist? Or have you ever had any of these issues? Let’s talk in the comments!
Pelvic Floor SeriesWhy the Pelvic Floor MattersPODCAST: What should you expect after childbirth? (June 3)What Can You Expect from a Visit with a Pelvic Floor Physiotherapist? (June 4)How to Recover from Childbirth (June 7)How to Recover from Postpartum Pain (June 8)Let's Talk Postpartum Sex! (June 9)What Causes Vaginismus? (June 14)How to Do a Kegel Exercise (June 21)How to Prevent Other Pelvic Floor Issues (June 28) Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts Drumroll Please: The Great Sex Rescue Audiobook is Live!May 26, 2021 | 2 Comments
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