Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 28

What Women Believe about Stay-At-Home Dads–Despite What the Church Teaches

On the whole, women who attend church tend to believe, or are even more likely to believe, several key evangelical teachings about sex.

It makes sense. If you invest in your church culture, your beliefs tend to line up with the church culture.

And as we found in The Great Sex Rescue, in many cases women believe things about sex that are common in evangelical culture–such as “all men struggle with lust, it’s every man’s battle”–in larger numbers than say that their church teaches it. How could this be? Because they’re getting the message from Christian books and media rather than their actual church, which may not teach about it at all.

There is, however, one big belief that we measured where beliefs converge–and one with an effect, albeit a smaller one.

Before I tell you about that, though, I want to reiterate how we found this out.

This week I’m going to have something big to share about our data set that we used for The Great Sex Rescue (be sure you’re following my Facebook and Instagram to hear first!), and I want everyone to understand the significance of this.

We conducted the largest survey of women ever done in the Christian world up until now about marriage and sex.

We surveyed 22,000 women, of which 20,000 were eligible for our survey, and over 18,000 self-identified as Christian. They came from a wide variety of denominations and beliefs, as the chart below will show. They were across the ideological spectrum, and across the world. While our survey respondents were primarily American, we had a large contingent from Canada, Australia/New Zealand, the United Kingdom, the Caribbean, Africa–basically any English speaking country–with a good dose of Europe thrown in, too.

We then asked at least 130 questions (depending on answers, some women received more), first covering marital and sexual satisfaction, and then, after that, covering typical evangelical beliefs. When we could, we used previously validated questions for marital and sexual satisfaction, so that we weren’t reinventing the wheel and we were using questions that the academic community had already found correctly measured these constructs. Then we asked if they had ever believed certain teachings, and if they had been taught certain teachings, at two points  in time.

We chose several big outcome variables, which basically means we chose several of those marital & sexual satisfaction questions to measure the teachings against. The most important of those were:

Orgasm ratesRates of sexual painBeing in the top quintile of marital satisfactionFeeling emotionally close to your spouse during sex

Joanna Sawatsky, my amazing stats person and co-author, then went to town. She was able to run cool statistical analyses to see if any evangelical beliefs were correlated with worse marital and sexual outcomes. And we found that many were! The results, of course, are in The Great Sex Rescue.

But I’m hoping today that you’ll understand how big a study this was, and how big an undertaking it was, and that we did this as scientifically as possible.

We did NOT:

Ask people how beliefs affected themAsk people how certain books affected themAsk people if the liked certain beliefs (only if they believed them)

Again, we simply compared those who did believe certain things with those who didn’t believe certain things. (That’s why the criticism that we often get that we simply surveyed 20,000 people who believed just like me is so laughable. It wouldn’t have been possible to do the analysis we did without wide ideological variance!).

We have way more data than we included in The Great Sex Rescue.

It’s honestly a treasure trove of information! And I thought today I’d share just one tidbit that I found interesting.

Here’s the chart from chapter 1 of the beliefs that we found to be statistically significant when it came to marital and sexual outcomes. I know it’s hard to read–sorry about that–but I’ll print the important stuff below too!

 

Chart taken from The Great Sex Rescue, Baker Books, 2021

Take a look at the question on stay-at-home dads.

It reads:

 

In a family with children, a working mom and a stay at home dad is as good as a stay at home mom and a working dad.

That question had the most divergence between what women said they believed and what they said they were taught, or had been taught, at church. 

47% of women said they believed this before they were married, and 62% believe it now, but only 13% say they were ever taught this at church.

In other words, churches are not addressing stay-at-home dads.

They are either explicitly teaching that it should be women home with kids always, or else they’re not teaching it at all. And  yet, even so, huge numbers of women believe that a stay-at-home dad is just as good as a stay-at-home mom.

We found the divergence in that one really interesting.

The other one with a divergence of 10% is whether or not you can divorce for abuse.

This is also the belief with the most movement between what women were taught and believed before they were married versus today! Before marriage, 56% of women and 63% of churches taught that the only biblical reason to divorce was an affair. Those numbers have come down significantly as we have come to recognize the reality and severity of abuse, and now 25% of women believe it, versus 35% of churches. Most churches, and most women, believe that you can divorce for abuse, though women believe it in larger numbers.

So in this area, too, churches are teaching something that women are less likely to believe.

Again, we didn’t go into these things really in The Great Sex Rescue, because they didn’t really affect our research question that much. But I did think those findings were interesting! And I’m hoping a few more news organizations will pick this up and ask us some questions, because we have so much data it’s falling out of trees!

I want to share a few more interesting nuggets with you soon, but I wanted to set the stage today, and I hope we can talk about the stay-at-home dad issue, because that one did give us pause.

Want to read more about our methodology?

Check out our methodology page here.

Want to see our rubric of healthy sexuality teaching, and our scorecard of how books fared?

Download it here!

The Great Sex RescueChanging the conversation about sex & marriage in the evangelical church. What if you're NOT the problem with your sex life?

What if the things that you've been taught have messed things up--and what if there's a way to escape these messages?

Welcome to the Great Sex Rescue. Order Now!

​Why do you think women and the evangelical church believe so differently about the stay-at-home dads question? Why don’t churches address this more? Should they? Let’s talk in the comments!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts I’m Just Processing Some Grief–and Trying to Let Myself off the Hook

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The post What Women Believe about Stay-At-Home Dads–Despite What the Church Teaches appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Don’t Tell Women to Have Sex So He Won’t Watch Porn

Telling a woman that the way she stops her husband from watching porn is to have sex with him is toxic. 

I’m getting ready to pack up our RV and leave the campground. It’s been a great few weeks relaxing, knitting, and processing, and I’m grateful.

And as we’re leaving, I thought I’d share something that’s going pretty big on Facebook and Instagram right now, and just elaborate on it, because there’s more that needs to be said. Sometimes you can make a splash on social media, but it’s not the place to really dive deep. So I’d like to dive a bit deeper today.

Last night I posted this picture:

And I posted this caption:

Telling a woman, “you have to have sex with your husband to keep him from watching porn” is TOXIC.

Hopefully we all instinctively know this, but how many of us have internalized this? Especially with books like Every Man’s Battle calling women the “methadone” for their husbands’ sex addictions (see the latest Fixed It For You in my feed for that one.)

In our survey for The Great Sex Rescue, we found that one of the most toxic messages a woman can believe is that she has to have sex to stop him from watching porn.

That’s like having sex under threat.

And it does terrible things to her. She is:

37% more likely to have sex only because she feels she has to.65% more likely to be afraid her husband will look at porn or other women.Even 19% more likely to experience vaginismus!

(And that’s just a sample of the effects we found).

We spend a whole chapter in The Great Sex Rescue explaining how women aren’t methadone. Women are people. And it is not a woman’s job to keep a husband’s lust at bay. The Bible clearly puts that responsibility on the husband.

Church, let’s do better. Let’s get this right.

Sheila

On Facebook

Now let’s go deeper!

The reason “just have sex” is a traumatic message is because it erases her personhood.

I don’t know if people get that, but this is the root of trauma and pain. Trauma occurs when people refuse to see you, to notice you, to value your needs, and choose instead to use as a commodity or to hurt you.

Trauma isn’t always, or even usually, getting physically hurt. It’s a drip-drip-drip of abandonment and minimization.

We explained this in detail in Chapter 6 of The Great Sex Rescue, and so many people have found it healing. But let’s go back to first principles.

Biblical sex is intimate, pleasurable, and mutual.

Ultimately sex is an intimate “knowing” of one another in every way. That’s why God uses the word “to know” for sex in the Old Testament–He’s telling us that sex is more than physical (no matter what Emerson Eggerichs might say about sex being about a husband’s physical release. Nope!)

And for sex to be great, you have to be able to open up to someone. To become completely and utterly vulnerable. To allow someone to truly see you, and to tell them what you want, and to not be concerned about what they’re thinking but just experience–which is what women need in order to feel good, in general–then we need to feel safe.

We can’t be vulnerable without being safe.

And if you’re having sex under threat–that he will watch porn if you don’t do this–then you’re being asked to be completely and utterly vulnerable SO THAT he doesn’t betray you. That’s wrong on so many levels.

First, it is a total rejection of biblical sex, because it turns sex from a deep knowing to simply a using of someone. IF it’s under threat–I’ll betray you if you don’t do this–then it’s no longer a knowing. It’s a taking.  And that can easily become coercive (which we cover in chapter 10 of The Great Sex Rescue!).

Then it’s a rejection of you as a person, because instead of saying to her, “I want to know YOU,” you’re saying, “I just want physical release,” which, again, is exactly how Love & Respect and Power of a Praying Wife and Every Man’s Battle described sex–as a husband’s physical release.

When a man is using sex only as physical release, and is choosing not to know his wife (because if it were about her then he wouldn’t be threatening to betray her), then it’s not a deep knowing. It’s actually a deep rejection. And that is traumatic.

That’s why I’m adamant that the porn has to be dealt with before the sex life can be fixed.

Having more sex can’t cure a porn addiction, because porn and sex are polar opposites. Biblical sex says, “I want to know you and experience something with you.” Porn says, “I want to use you for my own gratification.” They are not substitutes for one another; one is a counterfeit. When we use married sex like porn, we change the whole nature of sex and we diminish both spouses.

Of course, that’s not the advice that Christian books often give. Too many say that part of his healing is for you to resume sex right away, rather than asking him to build trust, because he can’t win the battle without you. But that’s not biblical, and that’s not a misunderstanding and distortion of sex.

So I’ll end this with a quote from The Great Sex Rescue, where we address this head on:

 

Emotional damage can be done if you constantly betrayed feel and used without any hope that it can be better. This makes pas- sages like this one from Every Heart Restored gut-wrenching: “On the battlefield of broken sexual trust, your husband must become trustworthy and you must eventually choose to trust again. . . . It’s self-defeating to worry about which should come first.” He has broken trust—but she is “self-defeating” if she requires him to be trustworthy before she actually trusts him again. She must have sex with him, even if he is making no move toward building a healthy sex life.

Just as you can’t cure an alcoholic by giving him so many sedatives that he won’t want to go to a bar, you can’t cure a porn addict by giving him so much sex that he won’t want to log on to the computer. Even if it does lead to less porn use, the issue is not healed—it’s only been numbed.

God doesn’t want to numb us. God wants to free us.

Sheila, Rebecca, and Joanna

The Great Sex Rescue

God really can free us.

I may talk more about this later, if people want, but we show the biblical blueprint in The Great Sex Rescue, about reframing how we see sex; the addict allowing himself to be vulnerable again (because HE needs the vulnerability, not her); and accepting responsibility.

Keith and I, in The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex, which is coming out next Valentine’s Day, delve into this in greater detail.

But in the meantime, let’s remember that she is not the methadone for his porn addiction, no matter what books like Every Man’s Battle say. She is a precious person, made in the image of God, and she doesn’t deserve to be reduced to a masturbatory aid so that he doesn’t sin. And sex, which God created to be beautiful and intimate, should not be reduced to pure sin management in a dehumanizing way.

Church, let’s do better.

Along with The Great Sex Rescue, these books are great at dealing with porn issues properly:

Michael John Cusick “Surfing for God“Andrew J. Bauman “The Sexually Healthy Man“

You do NOT need Every Man’s Battle. These are way better. Let’s make Every Man’s Battle history!

The Great Sex RescueChanging the conversation about sex & marriage in the evangelical church. What if you're NOT the problem with your sex life?

What if the things that you've been taught have messed things up--and what if there's a way to escape these messages?

Welcome to the Great Sex Rescue. Order Now!

By the way, I’m continually dismayed at how badly Christian books handle porn. A number of people have sent me screenshots of books they’ve been reading which are just as bad as Every Man’s Battle. I really hope such books won’t be able to be written after The Great Sex Rescue! I hope we’ve made a difference.

So what do you think? Is change coming? Do people understand this better? Or do you still hear advice to have more sex to stop porn? Let’s talk in the comments!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts Why We Need to Stop Talking about Resolving Conflict in Marriage

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Big Question Podcasts about Evangelicals and Sex

I’ve been overwhelmed with the encouragement from all of you this week while I’ve been on vacation.

As I shared with you on Tuesday, I’ve got a lot to process lately, and I needed some time away after a really busy, non-stop year of writing books and launching books and dealing with controversy. I really appreciated all the notes that so many of you sent, and your stories of how The Great Sex Rescue, the blog, and the podcast have impacted you!

We’re taking July off of the Bare Marriage podcast (we were going to take off August, but I realized I needed a break earlier), and so on Thursdays, when the podcast would normally drop, I’m sharing links to other people’s podcasts I’ve been on, as well as one of my favourite Bare Marriage episodes.

Sometimes it’s easier to get the whole picture of The Great Sex Rescue listening to us on other podcasts rather than our own, where we often dig deep on one particular topic.

I’ve been on SO MANY podcasts lately, and i never know which ones to share. So I literally shared the first three that I saw people talking about on Twitter when I went and searched this morning. So here you go!

Happy and Holy Podcast–a Quick, Short One if You Want to Hear My Story!

When you listen to me on The Bare Marriage podcast,  you often miss one thing: My whole story. I don’t go around telling it every week, because I assume people already know me and know how I got where I am. But if you want to hear the whole story in a nutshell about the blog, The Great Sex Rescue, why I started writing about sex, everything–I give it in a nutshell on the Happy and Holy podcast with Kate Boyd! Plus more about The Great Sex Rescue’s findings.

Kate’s also giving away a bunch of copies of The Great Sex Rescue in her newsletter this month, so follow her on Instagram for the details (and check out her stories there!)

Listen in! The Union Movement–What are We Counseling Young Couples?

I joined Bryan and Bonnie, founders of a marriage ministry in Western Canada, to get real about sex today. We tackled some pretty hard issues in this one, and you’ll get a good overview of our findings!

Listen in! The Great Sex RescueChanging the conversation about sex & marriage in the evangelical church. What if you're NOT the problem with your sex life?

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Welcome to the Great Sex Rescue. Order Now! You Have Permission–Big Questions with Rebecca and Joanna

So here’s a podcast I wasn’t even on! While I’ve been doing most of the podcasts, I haven’t been doing all of them. And I thought some of you may appreciate listening to the younger authors of The Great Sex Rescue on the podcast “You Have Permission”, for people questioning their faith or on a journey. That’s not all of you, of course, but this is an increasingly large group of people, and we were thrilled to be able to talk to them on Dan Koch’s podcast! So if you’re looking for an edgier podcast, here’s one for you!  

Listen in! And One of My Own! The Thalidomide Podcast

I was trying to figure out which of my own podcasts to highlight here, because I like to share one Bare Marriage episode from the last season that I really enjoyed that some of you may have missed! 

This is the one I went to sleep thinking about last night, so I’ll take that as a sign some of you may need to hear it. We often get told that we shouldn’t criticize evangelical sex & marriage books and say they’re harmful, because they did help some people. Just because they harmed some doesn’t mean they’re bad books. In this podcast, which released the week after The Great Sex Rescue launched, we demolish that argument, and explain why we need to raise the bar higher and expect more from our resources, and why we need to care about the people who are being harmed. 

Listen in! That’s it for me for today!

We’re heading back home tomorrow from the campsite, and I’ve knit up a storm (I talked about that in last Friday’s post, too) and I’ve been thinking and processing a lot. Today Keith had to go back to work for a day, so I’m alone at the campsite, and I”m just going to journal and have a quiet day, and I’m quite looking forward to it. 

But let me know which podcasts to share next week. Was there a Bare Marriage episode that’s really spoken to you? Or have you heard me somewhere else you thought was great? Let me know in the comments!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts Jesus Doesn’t Leave Holes. He Fixes Them.

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You’ve Got to See These “Fixed it for Yous”!

I was blown away by your messages of encouragement yesterday, here and on Facebook.

Thank you so much!

I got up this morning with something I wanted to write that I’ve been thinking about, but you all told me to rest, so I think I’ll leave it and write about it when I’m home!

Instead today I thought I’d share some of my more popular Instagram posts–my “Fixed it For Yous.” These are all quotes that we looked at in The Great Sex Rescue (I have a whole spreadsheet of problematic quotes from best-sellers), and I just fix them!

The next two go together–they’re a “set”.

And then I post some quotes from our book, too, to counteract the negativity!

I have a lot of fun with these. And, full disclosure, the idea for “Fixed it for You” was Rebecca’s. Most of the good ideas are hers!

Anyway, make sure you’re following me on Instagram to see more!

And, again, thank  you for all your encouragement yesterday. It meant so much. 

The Great Sex RescueChanging the conversation about sex & marriage in the evangelical church. What if you're NOT the problem with your sex life?

What if the things that you've been taught have messed things up--and what if there's a way to escape these messages?

Welcome to the Great Sex Rescue. Order Now! Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts Purity Culture, Consent, and More! Some Podcasts to Fill up Your Day

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I’m Just Processing Some Grief–and Trying to Let Myself off the Hook

We were supposed to go home from camping last Friday, but we extended for another week because I need it.

“Camping” is perhaps too strong a word. We’re actually sitting quite comfortably in our RV with a fridge, stove, and even an air conditioner, so we’re hardly roughing it (although my showers are only about 45 seconds long).

But we’re right on the water, and we’ve been canoeing and hiking and just enjoying the outdoors. And I’ve been away from where I normally work.

I am online about an hour a day every morning, but that’s it, because I just need some space.

I realized this week that I don’t know how to relax anymore.

I used to be quite good at it. But COVID hit right around the same time as we were writing The Great Sex Rescue, and as soon as that was done I was launching 31 Days to Great Sex, and creating The Orgasm Course, and writing The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex and the updated version of The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and launching The Great Sex Rescue, and I’ve just been busy without a break since COVID began. I haven’t taken any time off.

But I also wake up every morning preparing to go into battle.

Because every morning I have angry emails and angry comments from people mad that I’m saying that sex should be mutual, or that women matter too. I get people calling me unbiblical for arguing that women’s pleasure matters, and that consent should be a thing in marriage.

Emails about big name authors or leaders who are saying things against The Great Sex Rescue, or who won’t support it, or who believe the exact opposite.

And so I feel like I’m constantly in fight or flight mode. I’m constantly geared up for it.

That’s exhausting.

But I actually kind of already knew that.

All year I’ve been aware that my stress levels were too high. That hasn’t really been a revelation.

What I have noticed lately is that anger, what has motivated me for over a year now, often has its root in something else. Something below the surface that is more painful to touch, and so anger is what we erupt in instead.

And as I’ve been walking along the water and in the forest, I’ve realized something.

I’m simply sad.

Really, terribly, profoundly sad.

All my life I’ve felt so very hurt at how the church has treated women. At 16, I had a crisis of faith, where I realized that I loved God, but I couldn’t serve one who genuinely loved boys more than girls. And that was the only thing to conclude if he told girls, “I’ll give you spiritual gifts but then call you sinful for using some of them, simply because you’re a girl.” I couldn’t figure it out. That didn’t square at all with the Jesus I knew. But when I talked to leaders in my church about it, they (the men) treated it like it was strange that a woman would be hurt by this.

Thankfully I have an amazing aunt who showed me how so many verses have often been misinterpreted, and how a complete reading of Scripture shows the worth of women.

You may also enjoy:The podcast on headship and submissionThe slippery slope of male-only leadership in churchMy submission seriesI’ve never forgotten that sadness, though.

And it’s the same sadness when I read what so many authors and pastors have said about marriage and sex and women, and how they refuse to recognize that when women get upset about this, we aren’t just rebelling against God. It’s because we’re being asked to accept something that fundamentally isn’t okay.

It’s like we said in The Great Sex Rescue:

See the book! For so long, women have been told that following Jesus meant accepting things that are simply emotionally damaging.

Accepting things that are just not okay. Accepting that we don’t matter as much.

I’m sad that when I say, “women’s needs matter to God as much as men’s do,” I’m told I’m rebelling and being sinful and leading people away from Christ.

I’m sad that people I respect in the marriage field refuse to see that this kind of thinking is so damaging.

I’m sad at the people I thought were friends who wouldn’t endorse the book because they couldn’t accept that women aren’t responsible for men’s sin, or that men should be expected to lead mentally faithful lives. I’m sad that radio shows that I’ve been on before refused to have me on because they fundamentally disagree with our healing message. They still see sex as a male entitlement. 

I know I fight hard, and I speak up a lot, and so I should expect the backlash.

But it still hurts when people say these things. And it still makes me so sad that so many still can’t see women’s worth. That so many still think, at some level, that men’s needs matter more, and marriage should be seen through a male lens, rather than a Christ-centered lens, where Jesus is the point.

I’m sad because the status quo hurts so many, and they think I’m the problem for speaking up. Have they never listened to women talk about sexual abuse in their marriage? Why do we not know the word “vaginsimus”, but we know erectile dysfunction, even though vaginismus affects so many more younger couples than erectile dysfunction, and even though it’s more than twice as high in the evangelical community? Why do we not care about women’s pain?

I know this isn’t making a lot of sense, but I’m not going to edit it a lot because I’m trying to be on vacation this week.

But it’s been a good sad. I needed to let myself feel it, and recognize that anger is not the primary emotion I have. It’s just profound grief for a church that has gone so far off the rails when it comes to sex. And a church which has hurt women so terribly (and men as well) and doesn’t even see this as a crisis. Won’t even recognize that that pain is real.

At the same time, I’m so encouraged every time i see a new review for The Great Sex Rescue on Amazon (there are almost 650 now! And they’re amazing!). I’m so encouraged by the Instagram messages, and the comments here, and the tweets. I really am.

All that to say, I may be a little quiet this week. I’m still just processing. I’ll be back at work next week, but I needed this break.

And so I’ll keep returning to what I know is true:

Jesus is Good.

Jesus is Truth.

Following Jesus leads to wholeness and health.

So anything that is not good that doesn’t lead to wholeness and health isn’t of Him. I don’t need to blame him for it. He’s sad about it too! And He is trying to call couples to wholeness right now. That is his message for this generation. To leave behind the distorted teachings and put Jesus front and center in marriage today, and take husbands off the throne.

Jesus loves men. And Jesus loves women. Jesus wants ALL of us to have life, and have it abundantly. But He never wanted one to have life at the expense of another. That’s not even real life; that’s soul death.

I think I’ve been angry at Jesus a lot in the last year.

Why do so many people who claim His name say such awful things? Spread such awful messages? Endorse and buy such horrible books?

But I’ve been realizing that that was never Jesus. He was always calling the church back. And the church, just like Israel in the Old Testament, disregarded it.

But now there is a big movement, and I do think people are listening. God is raising up the next generation.

And as I’m able to process grief, and realize that it was not Jesus who did all these bad things, I’m hoping that my primary sadness will be replaced by hope. I think it’s coming. I can almost taste it. But I think I need a little more down time to truly feel it.

 

The Great Sex RescueChanging the conversation about sex & marriage in the evangelical church. What if you're NOT the problem with your sex life?

What if the things that you've been taught have messed things up--and what if there's a way to escape these messages?

Welcome to the Great Sex Rescue. Order Now! Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts 10 Ways to Encourage Your Husband to Go to the Doctor

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The post I’m Just Processing Some Grief–and Trying to Let Myself off the Hook appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Why We Need to Stop Talking about Resolving Conflict in Marriage

What does it mean to “resolve conflict”?

We’ve been talking so much about sex lately since The Great Sex Rescue launched, and that’s been great. But I thought this week I may revisit some of the important things I’ve written about marriage in general that many of my newer readers may not have seen.

And chief among them is how we go about resolving conflict!

I think we get this concept wrong. I originally wrote this post in the summer of 2016, but I thought it was time for some updating, because it’s a good one.

My husband and I have been speaking at marriage conferences together for about a decade, and wherever we go, we always have to give a big talk on resolving conflict.

Over the years, the material we’ve taught has changed, which we’re grateful for. But the early material we had to use always included these elements in the resolving conflict talk (they seem to be universal whenever you look at advice about conflict in books, or listen to the radio, or–yes–go to a marriage conference):

The Typical Resolving Conflict Roadmap​How to own your emotions and communicate effectively–ie. bringing up one issue at a time, using “I” statements (I feel upset when…) rather than “you” statements (you make me so mad when…), using correct body language, etc.How to listen effectively to your spouse’s concerns and show them that you hear them and understand them.How to control your anger.How to work through a decision when you truly don’t agree.How to forgive, and how to ask for forgiveness.

Keith and I have a ton of stories that we can put into those points, and it was all very well and good.

But the problem was that these points never seemed to fit together or flow really well. And when I wrote 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, I finally figured out what the problem was and why I had such a hard time squishing all my different thoughts about “resolving conflict” into one talk. (And why I’m glad they changed the curriculum!)

Here’s the problem in a nutshell:

We call too many things “conflict” that need to be “resolved”.

We’re blowing some things out of proportion by calling them “conflict”, and we’re minimizing other things at the same time.

Let me explain.

When we think of conflict, we think of an issue about which you disagree–he sees the world one way, and you see the world another.

In those situations, it makes sense to try to figure out how to come to a decision. It makes sense to learn to listen to the other person’s point of view, and to learn to express your own.

But the simple fact is that true disagreements, in most marriages, are actually rather rare. I counted it up, and in our marriage we have had 5 major disagreements: we disagreed on what house to buy when we first moved to our little small town; we disagreed on whether or not to continue homeschooling; we disagreed on whether or not to change churches; we disagreed on whether or not to put our son on the heart transplant list; we disagreed on whether to make Katie continue piano lessons or not.

In four of the five cases we eventually just came to an agreement together. In the first one, about the house, I finally recognized I was absolutely out of my gourd and he was totally right, and I’m so grateful now that he didn’t do things my way.

But just because there are only five times we’ve had a genuine disagreement that doesn’t mean that there are only five times that we’ve been upset at each other. On the contrary, I can probably count five times one of us has been at least mildly ticked off in the last week.

And here’s where the big revelation comes in: most of the time that we are ticked off at each other it is not about a big “conflict”.

It is just simply that we are misunderstanding each other and something is triggering some grumpiness.

This doesn’t require listening to the other’s point of view, usually. It doesn’t require coming to agreement. It usually just requires some time and some major chill pills.

 

Here’s another problem with the typical “resolving conflict” model: do you see which of those five initial points we haven’t talked about yet? 

Forgiveness and reconciliation. 

They’re always a huge part of a “resolving conflict” talk, yet it wasn’t necessary for Keith and I to forgive each other when we were trying to decide if Katie should take piano lessons or if we should switch churches. It was just a difference of opinion. There was nothing to forgive. And when I’m frustrated that Keith is 52 years old and he can’t make spaghetti without asking me for directions, he doesn’t need forgiveness and I don’t need forgiveness. I just need to take a deep breath and remind myself how awesome my husband is–and how great he is at other areas of the household, like laundry, so that I can take over cooking!

Yes, there are times we need to forgive. Those generally aren’t about disagreements, though. Those are about breaches of trust.

And somehow these breaches of trust get lumped together with feeling ticked off at someone or not agreeing on what school you should send your child to, because they’re always in the same talk.

And so I have a new theory about conflicts which helps us figure out what the appropriate action is. Essentially, when we’re upset with each other the cause is usually one of three things:

The 3 Kinds of Marital Conflict

1. Silly conflicts–we misunderstand each other, assume the worst, or just get grumpy
2. Serious conflicts–we disagree about an important matter
3. Sinful conflicts–someone has broken trust

By framing “resolving conflict” as something you do to find a resolution, we treat silly conflicts like they’re more important than they really are. 

Usually these can be solved with an attitude shift by the one who is offended, or by changing the way we act or react to each other. It doesn’t need to be a big deal.

But by framing “resolving conflict” as something that needs both of you to negotiate, we also downplay sinful conflicts, and treat them as if both spouses need to listen to each other and defer to each other.

In most cases, one spouse has broken trust, and that spouse has to rebuild it. Yes, there may be underlying issues in the marriage that must be dealt with, but that can only be done after the sinning spouse has truly repented and started taking more action.

Incidentally, this is also why I’m really bothered by the people who define submission in marriage to mean that “he makes the decisions”. In a healthy marriage you will very rarely come to a standstill where you fundamentally disagree on something. If your only definition is that he decides things when you disagree, then you may never submit at all! Submission is about intentionally serving, and that makes it so much bigger, and ultimately more important. And thinking that the way out of a conflict is simply to let him decide does not actually make you more intimate. It just drives you further apart. The goal is intimacy, not just an end to the conflict.

So next time you feel ticked off, ask yourself: if this something we disagree on, something that somebody has sinned about, or am I just upset in general? That will tell you which route you should take to start feeling close again!

Do You Have a Difficult Time Standing up to your Husband?

God wants us aiming for His will. That sometimes will mean that we need to confront our husbands when they’re doing something wrong.

Struggle with how to do that? Are boundaries a difficult concept for you? 9 Thoughts can help!

Take me to it!

Once you’ve identified that, here are some resources to help:

Resolving Silly Conflicts: When You Just Feel Ticked Off

Believing the Best
Learning to Ask Your Husband for Help
The 5 Trigger Points for Conflict
Thought #2 in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage: I Don’t Have to Feel Ticked Off

Resolving Serious Conflicts: When You Just Don’t Agree

The Top 5 Approach to Resolving Conflict
Understanding the Issue in Conflict
In the Case of Ties, He Wins. Is This Really Submission?
Thought #7 in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage: Find the Win/Win!

Resolving Sinful Conflicts: When Someone Has Sinned

4 Things You Must Do if Your Husband Uses Porn
When You’re the One Who Needs Forgiveness
Top 10 Truths About Emotionally Destructive Marriages
10 Reasons Rushing Forgiveness Ruins Intimacy
Are You to Blame if Your Spouse Cheats on You?
Thought #6 in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage: I’m Called to Be a PeaceMaker, not a PeaceKeeper

Here’s why it’s important to know which type of marital conflict you’re dealing with:

Sometimes I’ll give advice on this blog about believing the best about your husband to help you not get ticked off about little things–which is all very well and good. But if what you’re dealing with is a sinful conflict–like your husband refusing to get a job–then that’s exactly the wrong advice. Or I’ll talk about how to forgive, and if you’re ticked because your husband didn’t put his underwear in the hamper this morning, it will magnify that infraction to seem like more than it is. One size fits all advice doesn’t really exist.

That’s why it’s important to know: is it a silly thing, a serious thing, or a sinful thing? Most things, really, are just silly. But if you’re in a chronically sinful situation, then treating it like it’s  silly conflict won’t help anything.

If you want to read more about viewing conflict in these different ways, I’ve broken it down further in this post:The 3 Kinds of Marital Conflict

And I show what you SHOULD and SHOULDN’T do with each of the root causes of marital conflict! And, of course, I have lots more in thoughts 5, 6 and 7 of 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage.

I hope this way of thinking about conflict helps. It certainly has helped me clarify things, and now I’m much quicker to take a deep breath and say, “this is really just silly!” And much quicker to say in other cases, “Okay, we actually do need to schedule a time to talk about this, because this matters.”

Let me know in the comments: Have you ever blown something out of proportion? Or how many times have you guys honestly had a serious disagreement? Let’s talk!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts How to Make a Pap Smear More Comfortable: 10 Tips to Help!

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The post Why We Need to Stop Talking about Resolving Conflict in Marriage appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Jesus Doesn’t Leave Holes. He Fixes Them.

I’d like to tell you a story today about socks, holes, and re-knitting something beautiful.

I love knitting socks. Well, I love knitting anything, but socks are great when it’s hot because they’re small so they don’t lay in your lap when it’s hot. So they’re a good summer project.

Over the years I have knit TONS of socks. 

Right now Keith and I are enjoying some downtime camping, and when I camp, I tend to make socks my go-to knitting project because they’re quick, portable, and light.

Plus they’re fun.

The problem with socks, though, is that as lovely as they start out, they get worn. They get holes in the toes and in the heels. They wear out, and it looks like the only option is to trash them.

But I just see this as a challenge! I pull out the toes–or even the whole foot if necessary–and I reknit it. And presto! Brand new socks!

I don’t know why, but there’s a part of me that likes taking things that would otherwise be garbage and turning them into something new.

I wrote about this project three years ago, and I said this:

From Are You in a Good Pattern for Your Marriage?

Sometimes you have to use different wool, because the old stuff won’t work. Sometimes you have to change what they look like. But they can be comfortable and warm again.

Maybe I love doing this because it’s a metaphor for what I feel like God is calling me to do–and for what Jesus himself does in our lives.

As we’re going through life, we get comfortable. We know what’s expected of us. We fall into habits.

Humans are built for that. If we didn’t have habits, we’d have to think about every single little thing throughout the day. Habits let us go on autopilot in some areas of our lives, so we can use our brain power and our emotions for other things.

And so we have these habits–these ways of relating to each other; these ways of seeing the world; these ways of seeing God.

But what happens when these habits slowly but surely hurt us? When we rub against things the wrong way? When we do this again and again and again? Holes start to form. Your life starts to fray. Suddenly what felt comfortable no longer does.

Even if we’ve tried to fix things in the past (like these socks whose heels I have darned so many times already), it doesn’t work anymore.

Life stops working.

I think that’s what so many people are experiencing right now with the church and its teachings around sex and marriage.

At one time, we took it all at face value. Men want sex and women don’t; men are entitled to sex from their wives; women are stumbling blocks to men; men need sex in a way that women will never understand; women must defer to men and not speak up because that’s part of being a godly woman.

And things started to fray. To come apart at the edges.

We’re realizing that it’s not working anymore–that it was never meant to work in the first place. We’re realizing that we can’t keep going on this way, because it’s hurting us. It’s hurting our marriage. It’s hurting our kids.

We need to walk forward in health.

But that’s scary, because it’s like letting go of everything you thought you believed.

Before I fix a sock, I have to do something radical. I have to cut it.

 

It’s scary to cut it, because what if you lose all the stitches and can’t pick them back up again? What if it’s wrecked forever?

But that first step, that scary step, is necessary. Because once the foot is cut, you can pick up the stitches. You can find what’s real, and you can build on that. You can keep the solid part of the foundation, but you can build something that is stronger. 

It’s amazing how many of Jesus’ teachings focus on telling us to step out of our comfort zone and stop doing things the way they’ve always been done. He challenges the spiritual leaders of the day. He tells people to do radical things. And then, in doing so, they find true health and true life again. They find Him.

(I wish I had a picture of these done but they’re still a work in progress! But they give you the picture).

Letting go of what you believe about sex and marriage does not mean that you’re letting go of Jesus.

When the scissors are out, it can feel that way. What if I lose everything? What it often means instead is that we find Jesus in a whole new way. We find true healing, true wholeness. We let go of the things that were causing shame. We experience real intimacy, maybe even for the first time.

As I’ve been knitting and taking some time away, I’ve been processing what it’s been like since The Great Sex Rescue was published in March.

And I think it’s a lot like these socks.

The old way isn’t working. We know it leaves holes in us. For the first few years of marriage, it may feel normal. even comfortable. But eventually we know this isn’t right. There’s got to be something more than this–something more humanizing, more intimate, more real. Things start to fall apart. And we can’t see a way through.

We know that the obligation sex message is toxic. We know that women should not be ashamed of our sexuality. We know that making women responsible for men’s sin isn’t right.

But what do we do with that?

And I’ve been calling people to rip off, to tear up–but then, I hope, I’ve also been calling on people to rebuild.

To reknit. To rescue.

To make something even more beautiful.

To see sex not as a male entitlement, but as something mutual, intimate, and pleasurable. To make that real in your marriage.

That’s why, in The Great Sex Rescue, we don’t just show what DOESN’T work. We have sections that rescue and reframe these toxic teachings in ways that focus back on Jesus. And people have told us that’s the most helpful part of the book.

I’ve received so many emails that have said just that:

 

Your book has started the uncomfortable journey of unpacking and healing from the distorted views on women and marriage that I grew up with.

Your teachings have renewed my love for Jesus and my hope for the future of my marriage. It’s not an exaggeration to say that you have changed my life. I’ve bought a bunch of books because of your podcast and I’m so excited to see a clear, biblically-sound path out of gender hierarchy. I finally feel free to find God’s calling and walk in it. It’s very simple, and it seems stupidly obvious… But God doesn’t love men more than He loves women! Whether or not that’s how people meant it, that’s how I interpreted and internalized doctrine as a teenager and young woman.

Thank you for putting me on a new path.

Sometimes, of course, marriages can’t be reknit the way we might want.

Some women have told me my book has been so helpful as they’ve been processing the reality of abuse in their marriage. And seeing Jesus’ heart for marriage and for sex has been so healing, even if the marriage fell apart. Throughout their marriage, they were sexually abused and coerced, but they thought that Jesus wanted this. They thought Jesus said ” do not refuse your husband.” They didn’t understand what “do not deprive” really meant. They didn’t realize THEY were the ones being deprived!

And knowing that Jesus was not the ultimate cause of their pain allowed the re-knitting to begin.

It’s like I wrote a few years ago:

From Are You in a Good Pattern for Your Marriage? Jesus does not wound. Jesus does not throw darts. Jesus does not make holes; Jesus mends them.

And let me say–if someone has left holes in you, Jesus wants to reknit that (and excuse me for stretching the metaphor).

Jesus doesn’t leave holes in you.

I know so many of you are going through radical faith journeys right now, and  you’re not sure where you’ll end up. I Just want to encourage you today that Jesus doesn’t mind questioning. He invites it! He is big enough to handle your questions. And I do believe that the things that caused shame and caused holes in your life were not of Jesus. I believe and pray that when you confront those things, you’ll find Jesus.

I’ve been on a rebuilding–reknitting–journey myself.

I may share more of this next week, but I’ve realized as I’ve been camping that a lot of the righteous anger that I have felt as I have called out people for saying that women are methadone for their husbands’ sex addictions is actually grief. I’m profoundly sad, especially that others in big leadership positions in the evangelical world haven’t spoken up, even if they agree with me.

It’s made me question what my faith is supposed to look like. It’s been hard. But it’s also been very, very good.

And I think I needed to get away to let myself feel it.

I don’t know where you are in your faith journey.

Maybe you’ve already re-knit, and you’re in a good place! Maybe life feels a bit like your toes are dancing right now.

Or maybe you’re still struggling. Wherever you are, I’m glad you’re here. I hope we can reknit and rebuild together. And it’s always, always okay to ask questions.

The Great Sex RescueChanging the conversation about sex & marriage in the evangelical church. What if you're NOT the problem with your sex life?

What if the things that you've been taught have messed things up--and what if there's a way to escape these messages?

Welcome to the Great Sex Rescue. Order Now!

Have you had to rip out and reknit something in your life recently? Let’s talk in the comments!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts Painful Sex: 6 Conditions Other Than Vaginismus That Can Make Sex Hurt

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The post Jesus Doesn’t Leave Holes. He Fixes Them. appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Purity Culture, Consent, and More! Some Podcasts to Fill up Your Day

For the last six months, I’ve been recording at least 3 other podcasts a week–besides my own!

It’s been super exhausting, but super fun.

I did need to pay attention to the exhaustion factor, though, and so Keith and I are camping for two and a half weeks, and bird watching, and I’m knitting, and reading, and just generally rejuvenating out in nature, even if it is stinking hot (though I have no reason to complain compared to you on the west coast).

Looking out at the lake on a hike

Hiking through the woods!

I’ve decided, then, that for the month of July I won’t be releasing new podcasts of my own. We’ll begin a new season in August, but I think I’ll take a bit of downtime this month.

What I’d like to do on the Thursdays, then, is point you to other things you can listen to–one podcast of my own that really resonated with me and that I enjoyed, and then three other ones that have dropped recently. The podcast I’m a guest on tend to be from a variety of viewpoints, with all different demographics of hosts, so I’ll try to include a big variety so one may resonate with you. So here goes!

Where Do We Go From Here? A Purity Culture Podcast

I love the where do we go from here podcast with Devi and Jessica! They focus on the purity culture message and how that affected people, and how to move forward in health.

This one was really a big discussion focused on the female experience of the obligation sex message: 

 

 

Listen in! Rethinking God with Tacos Podcast

Hosts Derek Turner and Jason Clarke are both in ministry, and both rethinking how we talk about God–and everything else! This was a great conversation about how the way we talk about lust and sex is so off in the church. If you want a conversation that’s a little more male-friendly, this is it!

Listen in! Seeking Health Podcast with Josiah Meyer

Josiah and his wife Anne are on quite the journey. Raised in fundamentalist churches, serving on the mission field and in the pastorate, they’re both now reexamining what they believe and seeking more emotional health. Josiah is still a Christian; Anne isn’t so sure. 

If you’re struggling with where to see Jesus in this conversation, here’s a good podcast where we talk frankly about some of the hurt that’s been done, but I show that this hurt was never intended by Jesus. 

Listen in! Finally–one of my own! Lust Isn’t Every Man’s Battle–with the numbers

Here’s a podcast I find myself linking to quite a bit and sending people to–how lust isn’t every man’s battle, and we need to rethink how we talk about it. And we share some stats from our men’s survey in here too! If you missed this podcast when it was first out, listen in!

Listen in! The Great Sex RescueChanging the conversation about sex & marriage in the evangelical church. What if you're NOT the problem with your sex life?

What if the things that you've been taught have messed things up--and what if there's a way to escape these messages?

Welcome to the Great Sex Rescue. Order Now! That’s it for me for today!

I’m going to go relax a little bit more and try to rejuvenate a bit before I head into another big season of writing for our mother-daughter book. 

Canoeing in the marsh–looking for cool birds!

In the meantime, have a great day! And if I’ve been on your podcast and I haven’t mentioned it yet, I’m sorry! I’ll try to share on social media as well. I’ve been on so many its’ hard to highlight them all. But thank you so much for featuring me.

What’s been your favourite Bare Marriage podcast of 2021? I’d love to feature it later in the month!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts Is It “Better to Marry Than to Burn”?

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10 Ways to Encourage Your Husband to Go to the Doctor

What do you do when your husband hates going to the doctor–but he really needs to go?

A lot of guys just hate seeing a physician. In fact, that’s one of the reasons that researchers figure that married men live longer–their wives often push them to go, when otherwise they may never venture into the doctor’s office!

I know several men among our friend group who have prostate cancer right now, who are doing quite well because they caught it early. And I know one friend who died a few years ago because he waited to go the doctor, despite intense pain. By the time he went, the undetected cancer had advanced too far. This stuff matters! When I asked on Facebook about tips to get your husband to go see the doctor, several wrote about how a melanoma was caught early, and now their husbands are healthy, because they went to get that freckle checked out.

Perhaps in your marriage it’s YOU who won’t go to the doctor! I talked yesterday about 10 tips for making pap smears easier. Many women have phobias about doctor visits, too.

Before we launch into husbands, just a note about yesterday’s post. A huge debate broke out on Facebook (and a bit here) about whether pap smears were even necessary, and how it’s okay to avoid them. I am NOT a doctor, and I’m very reluctant to ever tell anyone that it’s okay to go against what the medical guidelines are for their country. If you do research and talk to your doctor, though, that is of course totally up to you! And cervical cancer is tied to HPV in the vast, vast majority of cases, and if you weren’t sexually active with anyone and your husband wasn’t, your risk is totally minimal. That’s my situation, too, and that’s why I told my doctor I wanted as few as was wise.

AT THE SAME TIME, even without Pap smears, there are very real reasons for internal exams. I had polyps on my cervix that had to be removed that could only be found from an internal exam. When you’re pregnant, they’re going to have to do a ton of them. You may have issues that require an internal ultrasound (done that too, many times). Anything to do with the uterus, ovaries, or cervix is often looked at with an internal ultrasound.

I think it’s important, as women, to realize that this is a part of our body, just like any other part, that can have things go wrong with it. It isn’t pleasant, but we likely do need to get used to internal exams–even if we forego the Pap smears!

Sheila

What do you do when your husband hates going to the doctor–but he really needs to go?

A lot of guys just hate seeing a physician. In fact, that’s one of the reasons that researchers figure that married men live longer–their wives often push them to go, when otherwise they may never venture into the doctor’s office!

I know several men among our friend group who have prostate cancer right now, who are doing quite well because they caught it early. And I know one friend who died a few years ago because he waited to go the doctor, despite intense pain. By the time he went, the undetected cancer had advanced too far. This stuff matters! When I asked on Facebook about tips to get your husband to go see the doctor, several wrote about how a melanoma was caught early, and now their husbands are healthy, because they went to get that freckle checked out.

Perhaps in your marriage it’s YOU who won’t go to the doctor! I talked yesterday about 10 tips for making pap smears easier. Many women have phobias about doctor visits, too.

Or maybe you have a husband who is just great at this stuff and this isn’t an issue for you! (Yay!).

Some of you, though, are married to men who genuinely won’t go to the doctor. I wrote about this a few years ago, but I thought it might be a good day to revisit it since we’ve spent all month talking about pelvic floor issues and I’ve been encouraging women to seek what can seem like super uncomfortable medical help. Let’s not leave the guys out of the conversation!

So today I’d brainstorm 10 ways that you can encourage your husband to go to see a doctor, and stop putting it off. As a woman, I do find it funny that guys hate going, because we women are the ones who get our privacy invaded WAY more than guys do (how about that dreaded Pap smear?). Yet many guys avoid it, and that’s a shame, because catching heart conditions, blood pressure issues, diabetes, or even cancer early can have such a tremendous impact on people’s health.

In general, guys don’t need to go to the doctor every year until they’re 50, unless you have a specific health concern or specific family health issues. But if you do have a health concern, then the earlier you see the doctor, the better.

So let’s help our families get healthy. Whether it’s that your husband is simply due for a checkup, whether he’s been having some pain or discomfort, or whether you’re worried about depression or low libido, sometimes we all have issues that we need medical help for.

Here, then, are 10 ways to encourage your husband to go to the doctor–even if he hates the idea!1. Have him take the kids to the doctor, and schedule his checkup at the same time.

Sometimes it’s easier to get him to see the doctor when it’s a family thing, rather than an individual thing. If you have kids, try booking their checkups all at the same time. Even book your own, too, and all go together!

2. Encourage him to make a pact with a friend

Don’t have kids, or does your husband not want to take time out to take the kids to the doctor? Then how about encouraging him to make a pact with a friend? Maybe you have a couple that you both like where the guy is also a little shy about going for a checkup. Guys will often step up the plate when they feel like it’s a competition or they don’t want to lose face. Challenge the husbands to make a pact!

3. Schedule health and dental checkups for his birthday every year, so it’s a routine

It’s often easier to do things if there’s a set routine to them. So if he has difficulty getting up the gumption to book himself a doctor’s visit, just make it a routine that you do all your checkups at the same time, every year–say around his birthday. Then it becomes less about having to make a decision each time, and more about a habit you’ve developed. It’s always easier to do habits than make decisions!

4. Create an incentive for him once he goes

When my daughter was studying for exams, she always found that she’d study harder if she was also giving herself a reward (“Once I’m finished studying three chapters, I get to watch one of my shows on Netflix”). Rewarding ourselves for a job well done is a great psychological tool! So what would incentivize your husband? Would it be taking a Saturday to play golf if he goes to the doctor? Buying a new tool or gadget he’s been wanting? Seeing a sports game? How about saying,

“Honey, I know you don’t want to do this, but I would so appreciate it if you went and had this checked out. So how about this? If you go to the doctor, I give you my full and complete blessing to….” (and you can fill in the blank).

5. Do something that YOU’VE been putting off

Misery loves company! And often we’re blind to our own faults, too. You may be bugging him for not going to the doctor, but maybe you haven’t had that difficult conversation with your sister that he knows is needed. Maybe you haven’t agreed to sit down and look at the budget or deal with your credit cards. Or maybe you haven’t gone to the dentist! So how about making a bargain? “Honey, if you go to the doctor, I’ll agree to…” And this time let him fill in the blank with something you’ve been procrastinating about!

6. Confront lifestyle issues and guilt issues

Often guys don’t want to go to the doctor because “I know what they’re going to say anyway.” The doctor will tell him to quit smoking. To quit drinking. To start exercising. To cut out bread. You know the routine.

And because he doesn’t want to feel guilty and he doesn’t want to stop doing those things, he doesn’t want to go see the doctor because he doesn’t want to be subjected to the lecturing.

That’s often how the checkup is seen: it’s all one big thing.

I go to the doctor –> I have to give up something I love

But what if we take the last bit out of the equation? Say something like,

I know you’re likely scared that the doctor will tell you to clean up your act, and I know you don’t want to and don’t feel you have time for all of that right now. So how about this? We forget about that. I won’t pressure you into doing that. I just want you to get whatever tests are needed. So even if the doctor says you need to quit something, I don’t expect anything to change. I just want to make sure nothing’s wrong. So if I can live with you like this, and you can live with you like this, then let’s just make sure that we can at least stay like this!

And what if you actually DO want him to change those eating habits or the smoking? That can be a subject for a different day. For now, let’s just get the tests done. Then you can battle the rest! Let’s not try to combine too many issues all at once or else you may fail to deal with any of them.

Like this post so far? You may also appreciate:

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7. Calm the “worst case scenario” fear of going to the doctor

I have a friend whose father died at 36 from colon cancer. So when my friend’s husband turned 35–he stopped wanting to go to the doctor. He was so scared that the doctor would find the same thing that he preferred to keep his head in the sand.

Sometimes these fears take on a life of their own when they’re allowed to fester in darkness. That’s when it’s time to bring them to light.

My mom had breast cancer when she was 42, and so I’ve been going for mammograms since I was 32. But one thing that helped me a lot was knowing that my chance was not 100%. That sounds silly, I know, but often deep down we assume that if our parent had these problems, then we will, too. The risk of breast cancer in women is about 1 in 8; if you have a first degree relative (mother or sister) with it, then your chance doubles to 1 in 4. But that still means that you have a 3 in 4 chance of NOT getting it! Not just that, but most of that increase is caused by specific gene mutations. If you don’t have those genes, then the risk is pretty much normal. In fact, 70-80% of women with breast cancer have NO family history. Once I learned all of this, I calmed down considerably, and mammograms, though uncomfortable, are not nearly so scary.

The same could be true with any health issue your husband is dealing with. He is not his father or his grandfather. So do the research, and put some numbers to it. And then remind him of this: Even if he does inherit this, if you catch it early, then it’s often not a huge disaster. 

8. Talk about your retirement–and what you want it to look like

Dream with him about what you want to do in your later years. Do you want to travel? Start a hobby? Visit the grandkids? Do you want to volunteer more, be active more, make a difference in your community?

Well, you can’t do that if you aren’t healthy. So going to the doctor is about investing in your future together. Frame it that way, rather than reprimanding him for not being responsible. (Seriously, nagging doesn’t work!)

9. Sacrifice on another budget item so that he can go

This isn’t an issue in Canada where we have public health care (though we have other issues, like not being able to choose your doctor in places with a doctor shortage or, especially, not having a family doctor at all, because there’s such a shortage), but if you don’t have insurance or if you have to pay a huge deductible, then avoiding the doctor because of the financial cost can be a big problem.

So how about this? If you really want him to go to the doctor, then what are you willing to give up? Take a look at your budget over the next few months, and say, “If it’s going to cost us $X for you to go, then I’m going to find that in savings by cutting our grocery bill, not buying new clothes, foregoing some gifts…” or whatever else you can think of. He may want to be responsible with money, and that’s admirable. But if this is a priority for you–then let’s put your money where your mouth is!

10. Look at bigger marriage issues, if this is a sign of something else

Finally, if you’ve looked at all of these and none of them would work for your situation, it may be that your husband has something bigger that does need to be dealt with. Part of being an adult is doing essential things that you don’t like doing. Adults pay bills. Adults go to work. Adults contribute. And adults do not shy away from their responsibilities.

If your husband stubbornly refuses to do something that he absolutely must do for his health, it is okay to make this a big issue. Take a look at my series on emotional immaturity, because that may give some insight. Talk to a counselor. Bring in some mentor friends. But if it’s stubbornness and immaturity on his part, and he refuses to do something about it, then that is honestly not okay. If it’s mental health issues, you may need even more help. Talk to those in your circle who can support you, because likely there are bigger issues that need to be dealt with, too.

There you go–10 ways to encourage your husband to go and get a checkup, or get a health concern checked out. I hope some of these resonated with you!

And true story: I originally had “give him sexual favours” as one of the points. I put in all of these caveats–IF sex is easy for you and IF you’re in a healthy marriage and IF you’re generally playful together and IF it wouldn’t start a weird dynamic in your marriage because you don’t want to reward certain behaviour–but I just couldn’t find a way to get it to work that wouldn’t potentially be harmful to some couples! Sigh. It is tough talking about these issues. (But if you’re a couple where you know that might work and wouldn’t lead to harmful dynamics–then consider that your #11 that I didn’t actually write!). 

 

Now I’d love to hear from you–have you ever had to convince your husband to go make a doctor’s appointment? How did it go?

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts PODCAST: The Slippery Slope of Giving Men Power over Women

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How to Make a Pap Smear More Comfortable: 10 Tips to Help!

Tired of painful Pap smears? Worried about your upcoming Pap test? Let’s talk about how to make Pap smears more comfortable!

We’re at the end of our pelvic floor series for June, and we’ve been looking at the importance of the pelvic floor, postpartum pain, what causes vaginismus, and more.

But one of the things that people were talking about in the comments this month was that often pelvic exams and pap smears caused trauma, or really hurt, and doctors weren’t helpful when giving them.

A few years ago I wrote a post on how to make Pap smears more comfortable, with help from my followers on Facebook who gave some great advice. I thought the end of the pelvic floor series might be a good time to revisit this, because it is important!

Of course, I don’t want to cause panic where there isn’t any. You may not be nervous about your Pap smears, and you may have an awesome physician and come through with flying colours! Not everyone has terrible Pap smears. But in case you are worried, or if you’ve had bad experiences in the past, here is the combined wisdom of people reading this blog (plus some thoughts of my own) to help with them!

First: What is a Pap Smear?

A pap smear is a medical test where a doctor inserts a speculum (it looks like the picture below) into your vagina, and then uses what looks like a really big Q-tip to take a sample of cells from your cervix. The speculum is kind of like a hair straightener. It gets inserted when it’s closed, and then once it’s in, the doctor opens it up to give some space to insert the Q-tip like thing.

The cells are then analyzed to make sure there’s nothing cancerous or pre-cancerous, because cervical cancer can be a REALLY BAD THING. So you honestly do want to get this done.

Doctors start performing Pap smears after you’re sexually active, or at age 21 in the U.S. and 25 in Canada, even if you haven’t been sexually active.

At the same time as they perform the pap smear they usually do an internal exam, inserting their fingers inside and feeling for polyps or growths on the cervix that aren’t necessarily cancer, or for other abnormalities. My doctor has found polyps that I needed removed that way, so it is necessary to get done.

Seriously, no one likes this. But your health is worth it. So if you have to go through it, how do you make it less UGHHHHH?

1. Know how often you really HAVE to get one done

While a pap smear is necessary, it’s not always necessary every year. People are in different risk categories. If you were a virgin when you were married, for instance, and you married a virgin, your chances of getting cervical cancer are greatly diminished, since most cervical cancers are caused by STDs. If you have been vaccinated against HPV, you’re far less likely to get cervical cancer.

If you haven’t been sexually active and you’re planning on getting married soon, some doctors will want to perform one pre-emptively. It’s okay to ask if it’s really necessary (in many cases it’s not). At the same time, having a thorough exam can help the doctor see if you have a thick hymen which may need to be surgically removed (it’s rare; but I have had commenters who have experienced this). This doesn’t require an internal exam, but it’s good to know that everything’s a-okay!

If you’ve  had Pap smears before and they’ve come back clear, most guidelines now are to wait a few years before a repeat (different countries have different guidelines).

However, one woman gives this warning:

Please don’t ever skip it! I know they say if you have had several good ones in a row you can go every three years…not safe! I had good results since I was 18. When I was 24 I found out I had cervical cancer, which fortunately was removed with surgery and I have been clear since. If I had only been going every three years, I might not be here. It’s a little uncomfortable but better that the multiple surgeries and biopsies I had for years!

Talk to your doctor about whether you’re at higher risk of cervical cancer and how often you should get the tests done, based on your history.

2. Realize that Your Doctor Has Already Looked at 15-20 Vaginas This Week Already

Seriously. It’s okay. All women have them. You don’t need to be shy.

Here’s a joke I’ve heard before that one fan shared:

There is an old joke about a girl doing crafts with her Mom, glue, paper, glitter etc. Mom says “hurry up and go wash up, I have a Dr.’s appointment”. Minutes later the Mom realizes she should probably wash up as well but it’s too late now for a shower so she just hurries to the bathroom and give herself a quick rinse with a wet cloth and off they go. At the Dr’s office she gowns up and lays on the table in the appropriate position. The Dr. comes in and smiles. He says – “Hmm, went the extra mile for us today, didn’t we?” Thinking he noticed her Brazilian wax job she smiled and nervously said, “I do what I can.” All the way home she pondered this, thinking it very strange. On her way into the bathroom to tidy up after her daughter as she was in a hurry before she noticed the wash cloth on the floor, covered in glitter. The same wash cloth she had used on her quick touch up before seeing the doctor. My advice – stay away from the glitter!

3. Wear Warm Socks–That Match!

I laughed at that piece of advice, but it’s probably a good one! You’re allowed to keep your socks on. And warmer feet do make you less nervous!

So does wearing a sweatshirt or bringing a blanket. Those rooms really can get cold, and it’s hard to relax if you’re shivering.

4. Wiggle Your Toes to Help You Relax–Plus Some Other Tips

The doctor will tell you to scooch your bum down the bed to get close, and to let your legs fall sideways while your feet are in the stirrups (rather than having your legs at right angles). Our instinct is to get as far away as possible and to stay tense. But that just makes the procedure hurt more!

One fan said this:

My CNP did mine and she told me to wiggle my toes. I was so focused on wiggling my toes that the pap didn’t hurt. Usually it’s uncomfortable for me, but it wasn’t bad this time. I’m guessing it helped me to relax.

Who knew?

Another relaxation technique:

Find a tile on the ceiling to stare at or close your eyes. Either way, then before it begins, start taking slow, deep breaths and focus on breathing in for 5, out for 5. This will help you relax. I do it for all paps, blood draws, and internal exams while pregnant.

And talking can help, too. It’s easier to relax if you’re focused on something else. So chat away! One woman writes:

And I like to chat with my doctor and the nurse while it’s going on–about anything else, haha. It makes it seem a lot less awkward.

5. Tell the Doctor If You Haven’t Been Sexually Active

Speculums (those scary looking metal tongs) come in different sizes. Ask for the smaller size if you’re a virgin–or even if you haven’t delivered a child yet.

6. Take Some IbuProfen Beforehand

It helps to ward off cramping, which can happen when the cervix gets too much “attention”. And ibuprofen is better for cramping than acetaminophen, too.

7. Pee Beforehand

Great advice! One fan says:

Also, make sure you don’t have to pee!!! I had to pee when I went for my first pap and relaxed muscles do not go along with trying not to pee on the doctor….

8. Give Yourself Something to Look Forward To

One fan recommends:

Also, leave room in your schedule to treat yourself afterwards (Starbucks, cupcake, whatever).

9. Get a New Doctor

If your doctor isn’t delicate, and if you leave the office feeling “used”, then try to get a different doctor. Different physicians have different skill sets, and it could be that your doctor just isn’t good at these. I went to a dentist for the first 18 years of my life and everything hurt like crazy. I thought that’s just what a dentist was. Then I moved to a new town, got a new dentist, and was amazed at how procedures didn’t have to hurt.

If you need some TLC, then find a doctor who will give it to you!

One fan tells this story:

When I was 12 weeks pregnant, I’d had a pap. I asked the doctor to “go slow” and he said, “why do you want it to last longer?”

I replied, “no I don’t want it to hurt.”

DEMAND RESPECT! Don’t ever let a doctor/man treat you this way! It’s inexcusable!

Another fan writes about how a good doctor can make all the difference:

I always had exceptionally uncomfortable paps until i met my doctor.  While she inserted the speculum she told me to bear down a little like i was going to sneeze (this was our first visit-and I made her aware I was really sensitive and it usually very uncomfy to have a pap done). I didn’t feel it go in…or out. She took her time (wow this sounds not right). I thought it a fluke until i had a few tests in that region done and it was uncomfy like before. All of her patients say the same thing. We need to clone her and send her throughout the world.

Communication and letting the doctor know its your 1st time or that you’re really sensitive helps ALOT. And ask what techniques they use to get the job done.

10. Keep thinking … It’s 5 minutes out of your year and could save your life.

Don’t avoid it just because you’re nervous. One woman shares this:

I hate paps but 23 years ago it saved my life. One pap found cancer and it was fixing to spread. I was 27. If I hadn’t went to have a pap done I wouldn’t have known till it was to late. Would have never had the chance to see 5 beautiful grands or the chance to raise my son.

A great reminder!

And I’m going to end with this, because it made me snort my tea all over my computer:

So there you go! 10 tips to avoid painful pap smears.

What about you? Have any that I missed? Let me know in the comments! Or share your stories about Pap smears. 

Boost Your Libido Course $39.00 Sexy Dares–24 Dares for Couples $6.99 The Honeymoon Course $39.00 The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex The Orgasm Course $49.00 The Orgasm Course: Men’s Edition $29.00 Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts The Slippery Slope of Hierarchy Theology

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