Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 31
May 31, 2021
So We Created Some Fake Christian Romance Novels–Just for Fun!
And when I say “we”–I really mean mostly my daughter Katie!
I know this is Memorial Day in the U.S. We had our holiday last week, but I thought since it was a long weekend I’d post something that’s just fun that I’m enjoying, rather than a big thoughtful post.
And we had a TON of fun with this!
As some of you may know, Katie used to have quite an active YouTube channel.She hasn’t done much with it lately since she was married, but last week she thought of a video she really wanted to make, and she went all out.
She decided to photoshop herself onto a fake cover of a Christian romance novel, because she’s always been obsessed with how good the hair always is.Except we couldn’t leave it at 1.
She ended up FaceTiming Rebecca and me, and we came up with 5, plus plots and covers and titles.
It really was pretty incredible.
And if you want a look at how our family operates behind the scenes (Keith’s the only one who isn’t in this), take a look! (Rebecca and I join about the 15 minute mark).
She put the final front and back covers on her Instagram stories (but don’t look at them all until you’ve watched the video, because the lead up is great), but I’ll share one with you here:
But you won’t want to miss A Heart Forever Promised, The Debutante’s Dilemma….or some that are so funny I can’t even tell you the titles.
As one commenter already said on YouTube, she was happy to see me having some fun after the stress I’ve been under. Another commenter said that the two women that Katie was talking to on FaceTime were really funny, and we should have our own podcast (yep. We do).
So here’s me in the background of this video, just being a mom, helping my daughter reach her dreams.
And if anyone knows anyone on the Bethany House Publishers Marketing division, help Katie reach even higher! #BethanyHouseUseKatie
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitterThe post So We Created Some Fake Christian Romance Novels–Just for Fun! appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
May 28, 2021
Men Are Pretty Awesome. Let’s Not Sell Them Short.
Because men are incredible people, too!
I had a bit of an emotional birthday week (to say the least) with a breakdown on yesterday’s podcast. As a commenter noted to me–“It’s your birthday and you can cry if you want to.” Cool!
The thing that got me so riled up was the fact that the big name evangelical teachers that we found in our survey of 20,000 women were promoting ideas that harmed were still refusing to see it, choosing to attack the messenger instead. And then we looked at Mark Gungor’s presentations on men & women, and how they portrayed men as only interested in women for sex.
What I didn’t say in the podcast (I originally did, but I asked Katie to edit it out) was that I’m also dismayed that people who are friends of mine who are higher up in the evangelical world have not come out publicly in support of me. Many are very uncomfortable with the fact that I’m naming names. And in a way, the silence of friends has been harder than anything else.
BUT–all that being said–you guys left some AMAZING comments this week!And I thought today I’d highlight some of them, because I read them thinking, “you guys get it! I’m not alone! This is worth it!” There were some great sarcastic ones that I texted to Rebecca and Joanna, which you can see if you scan the comments yourself. And there were so many ones with so much encouragement (thank you!).
But here’s just a taste. And what I really want you to see are the ones that show that men are NOT like the way they’re portrayed. They can change, and many aren’t like that in the first place. Talking about them like they are is dangerous!
Thank you to Keith!Sheila, thank you for your clip at the end. I see what this is costing you to stand up for truth. There is real damage being done- to families, to couples, and to you and your team. I am so sorry that you have to go through this,, and THANK YOU for standing in the gap on behalf of victims and everyone reading these books.. But if I can add one thing, it would be Please do not apologizing for being emotional. God made humans with emotions. It’s part of our holistic makeup. Having emotions does not make you a demon, bad, or less-than. In fact, you have such compassion for those who are hurting.
Keith, thank you for standing up for your wife. You are refuting some of the attacks against your wife by publicly siding with her. I am sure that you are there for her in private, but it is also important that you are there for her publicly, and I appreciate seeing you stick up for her.
Praying for you both.
Kaibigan Evangelical Leaders Are Ignoring HarmYou know I think the “nothing box” concept sadly also applies to abuse in the church.
If Evangelical leaders can say “all we care about is right theology, preaching the Gospel, or being the number 1 marriage resource” they have a “nothing box” when it comes to abuse. There is no felt responsibility to consider how what they are saying and doing might contribute to the abuse.
That burden is left to the non-leaders (often women) to carry the burden of caring and need for change. But that burden is coupled with the need to get the “nothing box” leaders to care.
And so often they just seem to enjoy the privilege of not being responsible to care about abuse much less how they need to change what they are doing and saying.
LJS We Are a Grassroots MovementSheila – you are on the side of TRUTH – I’m sorry you have to navigate certain evangelical “powers” and “personalities”. Their behaviour says everything about their priorities (wrong priorities) and nothing about you. Calling women who speak the truth “crazy” is so typically misogynistic of powerful Christian men and the women next to them who want to hold on to power. Never will they address the actual question, facts, etc of this research. They think they can make you/us go away with derogatory names and questioning our sanity. This is a grassroots movement – I hope more vocal church leaders will speak out but we can’t hold our breath. There’s thousands if not millions of us and when this tide turns they’ll need to turn with us and repent or be swept away
Boymom People Can LearnMy spouse and I grew up in a very “Archie Bunker” culture, and we both accepted it as normal because it was pretty much all we knew and saw. This was also the height of the era of dolt dads on sitcoms and capable moms bearing all the mental load. Both sides of the feminist line were all about proving women could do it all and be happy and fulfilled about it.
All it did was burn me out and stunt his maturity. We’ve made progress. For example, 15 years ago he would have been miffed that I needed time and headspace to remember all the things one does when getting children out the door. Today, he recognizes that I have things to do and remember and gives me the space and time, but he couldn’t tell you what needs to be considered and done. It’s a step in the right direction for his upbringing and generation, but not like Connor’s understanding.
But, it shows this isn’t something only found on the leg of the second X chromosome. It was taught and even expected. It can be untaught. I need to be untaught. I still hold on to these errors and when he takes steps forward sometimes I’m the one in his way as if my femininity is threatened by his acting like a parent should or a spouse should.
Anon I’m a Guy Who ChangedAs a man that has had his life totally changed because of your podcast and other content, and then learning of several marriage problems among my siblings that i feel stem from those teachings, i am so grateful that your message is wreaking havoc on these ideas so much that these authors can’t ignore you.
CCrew Men Don’t Only Want One ThingMichelle:
To hear that apparently a husband is only interested in getting in a wife’s pants and that’s why he’s nice to them is so demeaning to women, men, and marriage. My husband is more than a walking talking sex drive. I am more than a sexual partner. My marriage has more purpose than just to make sure sex isn’t being done sinfully. Why on earth would a man take on the responsibility of being married if this is his only interest? His message is so unbiblical it makes me want to throw up. Sex isn’t for emotional manipulation, why is he treating it like some weird relationship life hack? It’s a gift from God not a tool for selfishness.
Greta:
Yes yes yes! It is demeaning to both women and men. My fiancé would be appalled at this kind of message. We haven’t slept together yet, but he is way more emotional than I am and really cares about connection and is always worried about if he’s respecting me and treasuring me (which he is in ways I’ve only dreamed of) The small ways in which we have been “intimate” and vulnerable together he has expressed mean so much more than it did with past girlfriends because of the connection and because he feels loved and accepted. Men don’t just care about getting in our pants, they aren’t emotionless beasts or walking talking sex drives as you put it! Ugh it’s infuriating. Not what God intended when He created man in His image
MIchelle and Greta I Was Traumatized by Evangelical Teaching about MenSheila, I can’t thank you enough for your work. I am 25 years old set to marry in November. Growing up I watched my mom get divorced twice and with each time get more aggressive in finding marriage advice. I also grew up in the church.
I was shown one of Mark’s teachings at 16 and felt HORRIBLE after. I was the little girl that cringed hearing the “s” word in church, so you can imagine how his teaching made me feel as a headstrong teenager that also really wanted to honor the Lord and have a successful marriage .
His teaching sent me into a tizzy. Trying to back track it I scoured the internet and my parents library and found all of the other books you mentioned and more.. it only made things worse.
I fell into a deep depression and truly believed God loved men more than women, and that men were more valuable. I also learned that men couldn’t be trusted and had zero capacity for emotions.
This gave me a distant relationship with God and a fiery hatred for men.
I would purposely get into relationships with men, manipulate them into falling in love with me and then rip their hearts out to try and prove to myself that men weren’t the robots Mark and everyone else described. Oh and all the while flaunting my virginity. I hated God. I hated men. I hated myself for being a woman.
Eventually I stumbled upon a lot of really great teaching that explained many of the “touchy” Bible verses and mended my relationship with God and my faith.
I met my fiancé and he was the first man to stand up to me and tell me I wasn’t going to treat him like he didn’t have emotions.
We have an amazing relationship and he is the most caring, kind, loving, and emotional man I’ve ever met. Most of the problems we have had were surrounding my incorrect beliefs about men and emotions and sex! I’m having to unlearn absolutely everything. My partner is horribly offended by my notion that he is only after me for sex and has no emotions and a nothing box and all this other BS! (It is worth noting he did not grow up in the church)
It’s just so interesting to be engaged having to unlearn all of the wrong beliefs I was taught about how to make marriage successful. These speakers and authors caused me so much trauma, and the people in my life as well. THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart for being brave and courageous enough to seek out the truth on what God and science really says about how things are supposed to work.
My heart is so angered at how they treat you, but please don’t let it scare you off from paving the way for a new generation to experience true love and freedom in marriage. Thank you. Thank you thank you thank you.
That’s awesome. And I want more stories like Cam’s to come out of all of this! We can change things for the next generation, and we can even change things for ourselves, even if habits are ingrained.
But that won’t happen unless we’re willing to speak up and stop this stuff from spreading in our churches.
i’m so glad so many of you are with me! Thank you for your support this week. It meant a lot.
And PS: The Audio Book for The Great Sex Rescue is doing amazingly well! Thank you so much!The Great Sex RescueChanging the conversation about sex & marriage in the evangelical church.
What if you're NOT the problem with your sex life?What if the things that you've been taught have messed things up--and what if there's a way to escape these messages?
Welcome to the Great Sex Rescue. Order Now!I’m tired. I’m going to look after myself this weekend. How do you care for yourself when you get frustrated and sad with the state of things? Let’s talk in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts On Mark Gungor, a Revealing Recording, and the Authors Talking about MeMay 24, 2021 | 62 Comments
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The post Men Are Pretty Awesome. Let’s Not Sell Them Short. appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
May 27, 2021
PODCAST: What Is the U.S. Military Teaching about Marriage?
As many of you know, last week an audio recording was published on The Wartburg Watch between pastor, comedian, and marriage teacher Mark Gungor, and a young woman from his congregation whose sexual abuse allegation he mishandled about 5 years ago.
Lexi (the young woman) saw me call Mark out on Twitter in early April for his behavior online, and for the first time since her assault felt emboldened to talk about it. She phoned him the next day and recorded the conversation, and it has now been published.
I wrote on Monday about that conversation; I’m a big part of it because Mark keeps trying to steer the conversation towards how much he’s being persecuted by my followers.
In today’s podcast, rather than talk about that audio, what we wanted to do was to look at what Mark actually teaches at his marriage retreats. His “Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage” and “A Tale of Two Brains” are big parts of the Strong Bonds weekends in the military, and we thought it was worth asking if THIS is what the military believes is good for their troops to hear.
After this, I would like to let go of this and move on. However, given how influential Mark Gungor is in a very vulnerable group (military marriages have a 70% divorce rate, apparently), it’s worth asking this question. And I hope military chaplains may listen.
So listen in!
Browse all the Different Podcasts
See the Last “Start Your Engines” (Men’s) Podcast
Or, as always, you can watch on YouTube:
Main Segment: Is it healthy to portray sex as transactional and the sexes as polar opposites?
Mark’s messages can be whittled down to two main things:
Men mostly want sex. That’s why they deal with women–to get sex. Women, on the other hand, want connection. For men to get what they want, they need to be nice to the girl. For women to get what they want, they need to give him sex.Men and women have different brains. Men’s brains are boxes. They’re compartmentalized. And the biggest box is the “nothing box.” Women think about everything all the time.We analyzed two of his videos for this:
The Sex/Love portion of A Tale of Two BrainsThe Difference Between Men’s Brains and Women’s BrainsAs you listen to the clips in the podcast, listen to how he depicts women–to the voices that he does. Listen to how he refers to women. And listen to how he frames the relationship between the sexes–that women are only good for sex, and men wouldn’t have anything to do with us if it weren’t for sex.
Is “The Nothing Box” a Thing?Connor says the nothing box is actually a “privilege” box. As Rebecca said, “It’s easy to think about nothing if you don’t feel like you have to remember everything.”
The reason women’s brains have so much in them at all times is a function of mental load. When men carry less mental load for the family, they have a nothing box. When men become more involved with the kids and the family, or when they have very stressful work, they’re less likely to have nothing to think about. Thinking about nothing is a luxury.
The question, then, is this: Even if it’s true that most men have a nothing box, that does not mean that this is a good thing or that we should be teaching people how to deal with it.
What if it’s a reflection of an unhealthy dynamic in the marriage?
I’d point people to my series on Mental Load here.
How does the military hire Mark?
On Facebook, a woman did some digging about the military contracts.Many were awarded with no competitive bidding–they just hired Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage.
She further writes:
And we have a trail of contracts awarded to Gungor for his speaking services and/or published materials made available through the US Army, Navy, and Coast Guard. He has profited well from his brand of … ‘humor’. No wonder he feels powerful – he has been validated by the world’s biggest government.
Not to drive a wooden stake into a man, but as you can see here, the contracts were awarded to ‘strengthen’ the modern day warrior force – with the goal of stabilizing relationships, as described in the sole-source solicitation for services. In other words, Gungor had a direct ‘tap’ into the US DOD for buying his content – there was no competitive bid engaged and his material was unvetted for competence/rigor/performance/validity. His ongoing award of money from US taxpayers was unchallenged.
Contract Description:“The Army Chief of Chaplains is the proponent for the Army’s Strong Bonds Program. It is a preventative skills based relationship building program, led by Army Chaplains designed to assist commanders in building, strengthening, preserving and restoring Army Families. Specialized training for single Soldiers and units being deployed or redeployed is also conducted by Unit Ministry Teams (UMTs). The curriculum identified below is the only authorized material to be utilized by UMTs when conducting Strong Bonds events. Modules from the primary authorized course i.e. Laugh Your Way to a Better
Marriage combined with PREP, PICKS, LINKS and Family Wellness will be used. Interested persons may identify their interest and capability to respond to the requirement or submit proposals.
This notice of intent is not a request for competitive proposals. However, all proposals received within two (2) calendar days after date of publication of this synopsis will be considered by the Government. A determination by the Government not to compete this proposed contract base upon responses to this notice is solely within the discretion of the Government. Information received will normally be considered solely for the purpose of determining whether to conduct a competitive procurement. Requests can be emailed to David.Brown.14@ang.af.mil.
The 108th Wing requires the following items:
LI 001, Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage DVD Set with Mark Gungor DVD Set includes the following DVDs:
1. The Tale of Two Brains (session 1- 73 min, session 2- 55 min
2. The #1 Key to Incredible Sex (session 1- 39 min, session 2- 35 min)
3. How to Stay Married and Not Kill Anyone (35 min)
4. FAQs with Mark (60 min)
Total running time = 6~ hrs,
LI 002, Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage Book ISBN-13: 1416536051 ISBN-10: 1416536051,
LI 003, Sex,Dating,Relating DVD Teen Edition By: Mark Gungor Four DVDs, approx. 4.5 hours total
The DVD set Sex, Dating and Relating contains four discs.
DISC 1: Mark explains the basic differences in how men and women are wired and how to better understand and work with those differences.
DISC 2: Mark explains the keys to dating smart and what to avoid during the process of dating in order to steer clear of trouble.
DISC 3: Contains information on sex from nation abstinence speaker Pam Stenzel teaching youth about the consequences of sex outside of marriage as well as Mark explaining more of the emotional impact it can have on people. He also addresses the issue of pornography use and masturbation.
DISC 4: Q & A session with Mark where he answers some of the commonly asked questions regarding sex and dating in his straight-forward manner.
Contracting Office Address:
108th Wing, 3369 Wonnacott Avenue, Room 10, Joint Base McGuire-Dix-Lakehurst, NJ 08641-5406
Point of Contact(s):
David A. Brown
I’m in Canada, not in the U.S., and I have no U.S. military contacts. But since most of my audience is American, I thought you may be interested in what your government is purchasing for their soldiers to learn.
And then…I get emotional.I recorded part of this podcast on the weekend, right after I heard the audio, and learned that Shaunti Feldhahn, Kevin Leman, and Emerson Eggerichs were all talking with Mark about how to handle me, and were considering writing a joint statement. I was really emotional. I debated not including it in the podcast, but here’s the thing. I’m often told how I “should” react to all of this when authors call me out. How I should drop it, or else go to them personally, or “don’t put my pearls before swine.” And I understand all that, and I try to do that.
But I don’t think you all understand the emotional toll of what it’s like behind the scenes. I’m still a person. And I’ve become so disillusioned with evangelicalism at large this year. These are my people–the evangelical world. And when we conduct high quality research that shows that women are being hurt, what’s the response? To attack me, to paint themselves as the victims, and to ignore the women and couples who are hurting. I’m just really sad.
My birthday was this week, and I guess I thought that for my birthday, I was allowed to just say what I was really thinking. I’ll put the mask back on and be better again soon. But sometimes it’s a lot, and I wanted to let you know that.
The Great Sex RescueChanging the conversation about sex & marriage in the evangelical church.
What if you're NOT the problem with your sex life?What if the things that you've been taught have messed things up--and what if there's a way to escape these messages?
Welcome to the Great Sex Rescue. Order Now! Things Mentioned in This Podcast:Support us on Patreon! For as little as $5 or $8 a month you can help pay Joanna so that she can get our research published in peer reviewed journals, and you can help us break in to new social media channels! (This blog and podcast are already fully funded; the money doesn’t go to me but to the project).The Great Sex Rescue, our new book that has upset everyoneThe audio between Mark and Lexi. You can also read a transcript of the audio by Shannon Ashley, or a transcript with abuse tactics analysis by Sarah McDugal. The Facebook video of communion that Lexi shared that was highly problematicMy article about the audio, and how I feltThe video we analyzed: The Sex/Love portion of A Tale of Two Brains and The Difference Between Men’s Brains and Women’s Brains. In this clip Mark Gungor also refers to women as “chicks.” (around the 10 minute mark and then again afterwards). (This clip was actually sent to me two years ago, before I even really looked into him, because someone was concerned about the derogatory way he referred to women).Our emotional labor/mental load seriesOur series on emotional health and maturityThe podcast where we looked at the problems with Shaunti Feldhahn’s research that Emerson Eggerichs used to claim that men need respect while women need love.The survey question where Shaunti Feldhahn claimed that 82% of boys feel little ability or little responsibility to stop in a makeout situation
Do you think the “nothing box” is about mental load? What do you think of calling women “chicks”? Are gender stereotypes helpful? Let’s talk in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts 10 Fringe Toxic Christian Beliefs about Sex That Aren’t So FringeMay 21, 2021 | 69 Comments
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The post PODCAST: What Is the U.S. Military Teaching about Marriage? appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
May 26, 2021
Drumroll Please: The Great Sex Rescue Audiobook is Live!
And it’s actually me reading it, too.
It took a long time for me to be able to record it, because we were in lockdown for quite a while here in Ontario. We came out of lockdown in March for just a few weeks, and so I managed to go up to the recording studio and do it then. I was supposed to record in the fall, but it just hadn’t been possible.
It went live on my birthday.
Which is neat, because a lot of things in my writing career have happened on my birthday. I got my acceptance letter for my very first book on May 25, 2001. I got my offer for The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex on my birthday ten years later.
And yesterday the audio book went live AND we surpassed 500 reviews on Amazon–and we’re still at 90% 5 star ratings, which is amazing. (Keep them coming!).
Take me to the audiobook!When recording the audiobook, the producer was really professional–but he did get emotional at times
When you’re recording, you sit in a room by yourself and just read into this microphone. The producer is in another room with all the fancy gear, looking at the manuscript as well. Whenever you make a mistake, or stumble over a word, or cough or something, you need to go back to the last natural break and begin again. So he’d tell me what word to go back to.
That really was the only conversation we’d have for the 3-4 hours a day that I was recording.
But a few times when he told me to go back he’d pause a minute and say, “that’s really awful.”
Specifically when we were in the coercion chapter for the obligation sex message, and I was talking about the examples of marital rape that are found in our bestsellers, especially Aunt Matilda from The Act of Marriage. (I even dedicated my dedication to Aunt Matilda). If you don’t know the story, we talk about it in detail in this podcast. Here’s the section, though, that made him quite upset:
But one of the worst examples we found in Christian books comes from The Act of Marriage, which includes an anecdote about when Aunt Matilda warns a young virgin bride off of sex (warning: graphic illustrations to follow):
Apparently her aunt, whose marriage was arranged by her par- ents in the old country, found herself petrified of sex on her wed- ding night. When her embarrassed and clumsy farmer husband, who was twenty years older, brought her to their wedding bed, he “stripped me naked and raped me in my own bed. I fought and screamed to no avail.” . . . Her conclusion to her niece was, “As far as I’m concerned, marriage is just legalized rape.” As much as one might feel compassion for poor Aunt Matilda and her equally unhappy spouse, we can hardly envision more unhealthy concepts to pump into the impressionable young mind of a bride-to-be.
In The Act of Marriage, telling someone sex is bad is worse than being a rapist. Matilda is the antagonist; her rapist is portrayed as “embarrassed,” “clumsy,” and, appallingly, “equally unhappy” as the woman he stripped naked and raped while she fought and screamed. There is a shocking callousness displayed toward Aunt Matilda, while the moral or legal ramifications of marital rape are never mentioned.
When Christian resources fail to discuss marital rape appropriately, it leaves women without the words to describe what is hap- pening to them. While Erika was taking a shower on her wedding night, her husband barged in and attacked her. “We hadn’t had sex before we were married, and I wasn’t ready yet. I remember freaking out in my mind, crying and praying, ‘What is going on?’ and ‘What is this? I can’t live with this for the rest of my life.’” The “this” that she couldn’t name was repeated many times over the next few years. And it wasn’t until her divorce lawyer showed concern that Erika realized that “this” was rape.
But as difficult as he found the coercion chapters and really the lust and duty chapters altogether, the time he actually got emotional and teared up was the final chapter where we were sharing our hearts for the book and how all of this got started, and were talking about how Focus on the Family had ignored the hundreds of stories of abuse we had sent them.
He was quite overtaken.
He really appreciated the book and said he enjoyed listening to it and recording with me. But he was also quite overcome by some of the horrible things we had to share–and was so happy that we were pointing to a better way.
There is a better way. The dam is breaking, and the bad stuff is being called out. The Great Sex Rescue does this, but so do a bunch of other books that have been written lately–The Making of Biblical Womanhood (I’ll have Beth Allison Barr on the podcast soon): A Church Called Tov; Jesus and John Wayne (Kristin Du Mez is coming on next week!). The evangelical church has too often put power before people, and that affects how they teach about marriage and sex. We’re righting that wrong, and the freedom so many have experienced is amazing. I’m humbled. I’m excited. And I hope you feel it too!
The Great Sex RescueChanging the conversation about sex & marriage in the evangelical church. What if you're NOT the problem with your sex life?What if the things that you've been taught have messed things up--and what if there's a way to escape these messages?
Welcome to the Great Sex Rescue. Order Now!And thanks for all the birthday wishes yesterday on Facebook! I really appreciate it!
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts PODCAST: Do Our Beliefs Affect Sex Trafficking?May 20, 2021 | 24 Comments
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May 25, 2021
It’s My Birthday! So Here Are Two Podcasts to Listen to Instead!
It’s my birthday today, so I’m going to take some time off and not really write a post today.
I’m going to knit, and go on a drive to wine country with my husband, and then I’m cooking lobster and scallops for dinner, because I like cooking, and I love lobster and scallops. So that sounds like a good birthday thing to do!
Two different podcasts dropped yesterday, and I thought I’d link to them so that you’d have something to do since there’s no much happening here.
I’ve done so many podcasts lately, and if I don’t link to yours, it’s nothing personal. I’m just linking to the two that are in my Twitter feed as we speak because they’re the newest ones. I’ll try to link to more on social media as well!
Theology GalsThis one was fun for me to do because I’ve known one of the hosts, Rachel Green Miller, for years on Twitter, so it was great to actually talk with her.
Listen in! Grace Enough Podcast
I remember talking a lot about the gatekeeping idea in this one! Take a listen:
Listen in!
And now, I am going to go relax! I may write some profound words tomorrow about my birthday and my reflections on the past year, but for today, I think I’d like to have a down day.
So talk to you later, everybody!
And, of course, if you want to get me a birthday present–buy The Great Sex Rescue, either for yourself or for someone else who really needs it! 
What if you're NOT the problem with your sex life?What if the things that you've been taught have messed things up--and what if there's a way to escape these messages?
Welcome to the Great Sex Rescue. Order Now! Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts She Doesn’t Need to Put Out. That’s Not All He Thinks About! How Our Sexuality Got DerailedMay 19, 2021 | 16 Comments
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May 24, 2021
On Mark Gungor, a Revealing Recording, and the Authors Talking about Me
This is an odd story, and a little hard to follow, but bear with me.
Do you remember the kerfuffle in early April with Mark Gungor? He had written a long Facebook post about why, if you’re in a sexless marriage, it’s grounds for separation, and I wrote a comment that our survey of 20,000 had found that sexlessness is a symptom of another problem, and usually not the issue itself. It’s better to identify the underlying issue and deal with THAT.
He took offense, started banning any of my supporters, and came on Twitter to chastise me. It was very bizarre. I talked about it briefly in a podcast, and a bit in this post on why I’m not trying to cancel people.
Anyway, on Friday, Dee at the Wartburg Watch published an audio recording of a conversation between a sexual assault survivor and Mark Gungor.Four and a half years ago, a young woman named Lexi was sexually assaulted by someone at her church where Mark Gungor is the pastor. A friend of hers was also assaulted. When they went to Mark, the first thing out of his mouth was, “What were you girls thinking?”
When Lexi saw me calling out Mark on Twitter, she decided to come forward with her story. She hadn’t said anything publicly before, but after seeing someone call him out, she decided to as well. And that Saturday she phoned him, and recorded the conversation (that’s legal to do in Wisconsin, even if the other person doesn’t know).
I’ve listened to it; it’s quite telling. Dee does a great job of breaking it down.
And Sarah McDugal has written an AMAZING post with a transcript, too–CHECK IT OUT HERE!
Here are some of her questions after listening:
Mark says that it’s only (considered) rape if the police press charges.He also says (at the 5:00 mark) “if it was a major assault he’d be in jail.”This is concerning since few rapes are ever prosecuted. He appears to be woefully uneducated in this area…
There appears to be a lack of pastoral care for Lexi.Lexi says that after she left his church after he treated her so badly and she stopped believing in God. His response? “I don’t hate you.” He shows no care for her at all. No follow-up questions to see if she’s okay. Again, he appears to be poorly trained, or is he exhibiting a poor emotional quotient. Maybe both?
He says those who “think I’ve destroyed their lives” don’t matter.Mark says that everyone gets accused of something, so hurting people doesn’t really matter. “I’m in front of hundreds of thousands of people. You can’t make them all happy.” It seems he means that he doesn’t have to address criticism!
He appears to imply that if he destroys the lives of 500 people, it doesn’t matter, because every professional has destroyed at least some lives,
My question. “Is he even a professional? What sort of license does he have? ”
The Wartburg WatchIt really is astounding how he talked to her.
But one of the more relevant parts of the conversation for this blog is what he said about me.Even though Lexi called him to talk about how he handled her case years ago, he kept turning the conversation back around to me and what my Facebook followers were doing on social media.
He said that you were all crazy and offensive and he was deleting hundreds of comments because you were all offensive. I have dozens of screenshots people sent me of their comments before they were deleted; they were polite and referenced Bible verses and simply asked Mark to calm down and deal with this issue appropriately.
But he also said that Emerson Eggerichs, Shaunti Feldhahn, and Kevin Leman all talked with him about what to do about me.Rebecca and I asked on a podcast a few weeks ago why none of these authors has apologized or responded to The Great Sex Rescue, except Shaunti Feldhahn, who issued a statement against it (I released one in response; hers is linked within mine so you can see them both).
Now we learn that the authors have indeed been talking together, and were wondering what to do about me. Dee sums it up with some background information here:
Sheila Gregoire appears to have been a target when it comes to Mark GungorI know some of that is hard to follow, so here’s a little more context:
When Mark says that he is being criticized for talking about Sheila in sexual terms, he’s referring to this tweet.Mark says Shaunti Feldhahn has written a statement about Sheila (although Mark calls her Shaunti FeldMAN). Sheila wrote one in response. She links to Shaunti’s in hers, so you can read them both here.Mark constantly claims that people were “attacking him” and “calling him evil.” For the record, I’ve seen the screenshots and the Twitter conversations, and Sheila never attacked anyone personally, nor did I see her followers doing that. The only people I saw calling people evil and calling names were Mark and his followers.Shaunti Feldhahn (For Women Only), Kevin Leman (Sheet Music), and Emerson Eggerichs (Love & Respect) have all written best-selling marriage books that Sheila Gregoire shows in her book The Great Sex Rescue contain very harmful messages that hurt women’s marital and sexual satisfaction. The Wartburg WatchSo Mark Gungor is on social media calling me “disgusting”, saying “sadly, she’s real”, laughing about me in sexual terms, and leaving misogynistic memes all over his social media–and these authors would rather conspire behind the scenes with him address the concerns that we found with their work after surveying 20,000 women.
For reference, here are just a few of the memes on his social media right now:
For clarification, we did not survey 20,000 people to attack these authors’ books.
What we did was fourfold:
Measure people’s marital and sexual satisfactionMeasure how much people agreed with certain key evangelical teachings about sex and marriageCompare those measures and see which evangelical beliefs cause marital and sexual satisfaction to plummetLook at our best-sellers and identify where those beliefs are foundWe happened to find problematic teachings in their books, and showed it, using their own words, in The Great Sex Rescue.
The Great Sex RescueChanging the conversation about sex & marriage in the evangelical church. What if you're NOT the problem with your sex life?What if the things that you've been taught have messed things up--and what if there's a way to escape these messages?
Welcome to the Great Sex Rescue. Order Now! And you know what? There were problematic teachings in some of my older books and on this blog, so I’ve apologized, taken stuff down, edited stuff, and tried to make it right.It isn’t that hard.
What I didn’t do was conspire behind the scenes with people who say in their “comedy” videos that without sex, men would have nothing to do with women. I didn’t conspire with someone who calls women untrainable.
The fact that they would rather do that than address the very real concerns in our book is very, very disturbing and depressing to me.
The fact that they contacted Mark while this was playing out–and while the rest of the world saw how appalling his behaviour was–and they thought it was good to ally with him, is very disturbing and depressing.
I’m just really thrown today, and I’ve been processing this all weekend and been quite down about the state of the evangelical church, and just quite hurt in general. Why do people care more about their platforms than about the sheep?
I guess it all really can be summed up in what Mark Gungor said at the end–he doesn’t care about the 500 lives he ruined, if he helped so many.
But we serve a Savior who left the 99 to go after the 1.To me, this is the most jarring bit–how Mark talked about this phone call in a sermon the next day. Lexi, the woman who was the other half of this phone call, took this clip from Celebration Church’s Facebook Page:
I find this the most disturbing of all–the cavalier way he treats communion.
Anyway, I’m not going to say much more about that. We’ll address it in the podcast this week. But somehow I’ve become part of a news item in Christian circles, and I thought I should address it today.
If there’s any particular angle you think we should take in the podcast, let me know. We’re recording it this afternoon!
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts The Chapter That Got Cut from The Great Sex RescueMay 18, 2021 | 41 Comments
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May 21, 2021
10 Fringe Toxic Christian Beliefs about Sex That Aren’t So Fringe
And it’s generally best to ignore those people, I figure. We shouldn’t give fringe people traffic!
This week, though, about 20 different people have sent me an article about 10 rules of sex for Christian wives. It’s from a gross misogynist website, and I wasn’t going to talk about it–but people keep leaving the link on Facebook and in my Instagram messages, so obviously it’s resonating!
I was thinking about how to address it, and here’s the thing: It actually doesn’t bother me that much that weird anonymous fringe sites say horrible things. I don’t think it’s worth our time really.
But in reading this particular article, what struck me is that its 10 points are echoed in our Christian bestsellers.When you see the 10 points written out, with no context, you can tell they’re toxic and gross. But when those same points are used in books, we don’t notice it as much. Maybe the toxic stuff is only 5%, and it’s couched with great anecdotes and stories and other reasonable parts, so we don’t tend to notice that it’s toxic.
But it still is toxic.
Today what I’d like to do, then, is to take those 10 points and show where they’re echoed in our best-selling books and on mainstream Christian websites.
And Trigger Warning–they’re pretty gross. I edited them down for length and left the most disgusting parts out.
I’m NOT going to link to the original fringe article. My blog gets lots of Google juice, and if I link to it, I give it credibility with Google, and I will not do that. If you really want to find it, you can search for it, but I’d advise against it. And please–don’t link to it or share it on social media. That’s what the guy who writes it wants. Just let it be.
Instead of focusing on this fringe stuff, which we can so easily see is gross, let’s call out our best-sellers which say the same things, just in prettier language.I’m also not going to refute any of these points. Honestly, I’ve done that enough; just read The Great Sex Rescue for why all of this is toxic! My main aim is to show how our best-sellers often say the same thing. Just like Meghan Tschanz shared on yesterday’s podcast, often the beliefs that contribute to sex trafficking and abuse are actually based on mainstream teachings in the evangelical world. (And that podcast was awesome if you haven’t listened to it yet!)
So here we go! The 10 points the fringe blog post mentions–and how they’re echoed in our “mainstream” evangelical culture. Let’s not let this be acceptable anymore!
1. You Must Obey Your Husband.“Obedience means complete obedience. No exceptions….Respect your husband’s authority over you in every aspect of your life.”
“Scripture commands wives to give their husbands unconditional respect.”
“Will a man take advantage of being head of the family by putting down and even abusing his wife and children? Yes, this is possible, but because it is possible does not mean a woman should refuse to allow her husband to be the head.”
“What your husband wants is your acknowledgment that he is the leader, the one in authority…No smoothly running organization can have two heads. To set up a marriage with two equals at the head is to set it up for failure…In essence, these marriages do not have anyone who is in charge. God knew someone had to be in charge, and that is why Scripture clearly teaches that, in order for things to work, the wife is called upon to defer to her husband.”
Love & Respect “Submission never came naturally to me,” she said. “It was even harder to submit when my respect for Fred’s spirituality was at its all-time low. During our days of severe fighting and in-law problems, I would ask myself, Why should I submit to someone who is worse off spiritually than I am? But I knew I should submit for the sake of the Lord. I knew His ways were for the best.”Every Heart Restored “Part of making a house a home is allowing your husband to be the head…God placed the husband as the head over the family, whether he deserves it or not…It’s God’s order of things…If your husband is to be the head of the house, you must allow him that headship.” Power of a Praying Wife 2. Your main pleasure from sex comes from pleasing your husband.
“Sometimes sex will be physically pleasureful for you and sometimes it won’t be physically pleasureful for you, but either way if you satisfy your husband then you will be fulfilled knowing that you have pleased your man.”
“If your husband is typical, he has a need you don’t have.”
“She decided to minister to her husband sexually, not because she particularly wanted to, but because she wanted to do it as unto Jesus Christ. She just didn’t have that need for sex.”
Love & Respect “A wise and considerate woman goes out of her way to let her man know that he is a good lover and that she enjoys their relations together.” (so she must tell him he’s a good lover, but he doesn’t necessarily need to be one.)The Act of Marriage “If responding physically is out of the question, let your words be heart words—reassuring, affirming, adoring.”
For Women Only So many books stress his need for sex, and his need for her to reassure him even if she’s not enjoying herself. Many simultaneously say that she doesn’t need sex. 3. Your husband, as leader and provider, needs sex to relieve stress.
“Sometimes your husband is going to demand sex at an inconvenient time, or when you are tired.”
“Though you know you should pray for him and fulfill him sexually, sometimes you won’t want to. Talk to each other openly and honestly, then do the right thing.” Every Man's Battle“The only activity that is to break regular sexual relations is prayer and fasting for some specific cause, and this is to be only by mutual consent for a very limited time.”
“When you are not having intercourse as frequently as you were prior to pregnancy, you should offer manual stimulation to him—particularly during the period of abstention.”
Intended for Pleasure“This means that there may be times when you have sex out of mercy, obligation, or commitment and without any real desire. Yes, it may feel forced. It might feel planned, and you may fight to stop yourself from just shoving your partner away and saying, “Enough already!” But the root issue is this: You’re acting out of love. You’re honouring your commitment. And that’s a wonderful thing to do.”
“There are times for whatever reason that a wife may choose to make use of what younger men affectionately refer to as “hand jobs”. A woman with heavy periods that last six or seven days, or who has just gotten through a pregnancy, or perhaps is simply not feeling her best, may genuinely feel that sex is more than she can handle. But with a minimum of effort, she can help her husband who feels like he’s about ready to climb the walls because it’s been so long.”
Sheet Music In our 12-point rubric of healthy sexuality teaching, the element that our books as a whole scored the worst on was giving women the ability to say no when they don’t want to have sex. Many books say that women are obligated to give their husbands sex, and many books even contain examples of marital rape without calling them that, or without saying that marital rape is bad.4. You must submit to him, even if he wants something degrading or humiliating.“A man wants an enthusiastic sexual partner.”
“The husband must be 100 percent committed to loving his wife. The wife must be 100 percent committed to being submissive.”
“Submission is the most important gift a wife can give her husband. A responsive and receptive wife willingly demonstrates that she surrenders her freedom for his love, adoration, protection, and provision.”
Intended for Pleasure “Without foreplay, he raped me–if that can happen when you’re married.” (The authors fail to note that rape actually CAN happen in marriage).Every Heart Restored Too many of our books stress the responsibility of the wife to be submissive to the husband, often without giving any caveat about drawing boundaries around dangerous, unwanted, or degrading behavior. 5. You must meet his sexual needs the way your husband chooses.
“He is going to train you to please him the way he wants and you need to work your hardest to learn what he likes and to always be attentive to his particular needs and preferences.”
“Their maidenly inhibitions and misconceptions compel them to lie on their backs and allow the vigorous young husbands to satisfy themselves.”
“Young wives may equate their husbands’ youthful passion with bestiality, not realizing that their husbands’ drives are not unique, but characteristic of most normal men.”
The Act of Marriage “You absolutely must learn how your husband is sexually wired if you ever want to escape your pain and rebuild a satisfying marriage.”Every Heart Restored Many books portray men as understanding sex, while women need to be taught about it–primarily because men masturbate when they are teens, and so that somehow teaches them more about sex, or because men watch porn so they understand better how things work. Women are often portrayed as naive, needing to be students of their husbands. The Great Sex RescueChanging the conversation about sex & marriage in the evangelical church.
What if you're NOT the problem with your sex life?What if the things that you've been taught have messed things up--and what if there's a way to escape these messages?
Welcome to the Great Sex Rescue. Order Now! 6. Keep your body in shape and look your best.“Men are visual creatures.”
“Sometimes it is so hard for us to look away. It takes a lot of work and a lot of effort. But it helps me so much if I see that my wife is willing to do her part and purposefully work toward staying in shape and looking good.”For Women Only “Look pretty. Keep smiling. Don’t complain. Receive your husband with open arms!” Intended for Pleasure “What am I doing to make myself attractive to my husband? Do I keep myself clean and smelling good? Do I see that my internal self is cleansed and rejuvenated with regular exercise?…Do I dress attractively?” Power of a Praying Wife Most books we looked at stressed the importance of a woman keeping up her appearance, without the same instruction to men.7. Wear clothing your husband instructs, even if you feel embarrassed.
“Men like to show off their wives. Wearing revealing clothes does not make you a slut. “
“She should try to look the way her husband likes her to look. She should resemble the woman he married. Does that mean a woman must stay eternally young? Of course not, but getting old is not an excuse for gaining weight and dressing like a bag lady.” His Needs, Her Needs
We need to discover what makes us attractive to our husbands. What clothing, hairstyle, or makeup do they find most appealing? (As always, the standard of “modesty and self-control” set forth in 1 Timothy 2:8-10 applies.) And we should strive to care for our appearance — not only when we go out, but also at home where only our husbands see us. As my childhood pastor used to say, “If the barn needs painting, paint it!” Well, what color should that barn be painted? The answer is, whatever is attractive to our husbands!
Desiring God National ConferenceSex, Romance, and the Glory of God: What Every Christian Wife Needs to Know
While the books didn’t explicitly say that you should wear revealing clothing, many tell women that they must obey their husbands (see other points), and that they should not have boundaries with their husbands. 8. Your husband is your master.“God expects you to always respect his absolute authority over you,”
“A man may have many bosses outside the home, but inside the home, he has the opportunity to kindly provide authority and to receive his rightful respect.” Sheet Music “God designed man to be the aggressor, provider, and leader of his family. Somehow that is tied to his sex drive.”
The Act of Marriage “Grant your husband authority, as Scripture describes it, and things are much more likely to fall into place. If you try to undermine his authority or subtly rebel against it, the Crazy Cycle will spring to life.”
Love & Respect
So many of the books talked about submission as being tied to his sex drive, and never showed how women could draw boundaries if the husband was doing something hurtful or bad.
9. Your husband may punish you if you fall short.“Be grateful that he takes the time to correct your behavior and thank him for helping to make you a better Christian wife.”
“Husbands are to do everything in their power to promote their wives’ holiness….At times, though, it will also include correction. We all still fight with sin. We all need to be progressively sanctified. Even the most Christlike wives will sometimes need an honest, loving word to get back on course…So, if we want a marriage that brings glory to Christ, we’ll need to correct our wives by speaking the truth in love.” -(I refute this article here).Desiring God Website
Husbands, Get Her Ready for Jesus
Love & Respect records many instances of Eggerichs withholding love from his wife when she tried to draw an appropriate boundary to teach her how he wanted her to act–for instance, telling her he didn’t miss her when she left for a week because he was glad she wasn’t nagging him about leaving wet towels on the bed. (the result? He gets to keep leaving wet towels on the bed, and she stops complaining).
Love & Respect When books treat men as the absolute authority in marriage, it’s not a far stretch to say that they are also responsible for correcting and punishing their wives–since the wives are seen more like children. 10. Be your husband’s sexual pet.
“A sexually satisfied husband makes for a happy home and marriage, and the key to a sexually satisfied husband is a wife who thinks of his sexual pleasure and embraces her submission to him.”
“The very nature of the act of marriage involves feminine surrender.”
“As we know, in sexual intercourse, as in life, man is the actor, woman the passive one, the receiver, the acted upon.”
The Act of Marriage “If you call yourself a Christian, and if you’re committed to being obedient to what the Bible teaches, then you’ll have to learn to fulfill sexual obligations within marriage.” Sheet MusicMany books match a woman’s meeting his sexual needs with a woman’s submission. She submits to him in the bedroom, as she does in the rest of life.
Hopefully you can see how the “fringe” toxic beliefs actually have their roots in mainstream evangelical advice.Am I saying that the books are as bad as this website? No, not in most cases. But the roots of toxic beliefs within the church are in the misguided way we talk about marriage–where the husband’s needs are paramount, and the wife can’t say no to him.
If you want to see more about how these books (and others) scored on our rubric of healthy sexuality teaching, you can access it here!
In that rubric, that we used to analyze the books we looked at for The Great Sex Rescue, the highest score a book could receive was 48. The Gift of Sex by the Penners received 47/48, and is a great book. Boundaries in Marriage also scored really well, at 42. So scoring well was certainly not out of reach. It just meant that you considered women’s needs as much as you considered husband’s, and you didn’t blame women for men’s sins.
But all of the books I mentioned in this post scored in the harmful category (Intended for Pleasure did a little bit better, but only because it didn’t mention affairs at all, and so didn’t get docked points for handling them badly. But it did handle other things quite badly).
We have some really, really good books in the evangelical world that you could never use to support such fringe, toxic teachings. The Great Sex Rescue, especially, dispells so many of these myths.
So, please, if we want to get rid of the toxic websites, instead of focusing on them, let’s clean up what Christian resources we recommend.Let’s stop perpetuating the books that and websites that feed into these same lines of thinking, and let’s promote healthy ones. Then everyone will be able to see what toxic really is, and people won’t get sucked in by gross websites anymore.
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts Can Research and Christian Relationship Advice Go Hand in Hand?May 17, 2021 | 26 Comments
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May 20, 2021
PODCAST: Do Our Beliefs Affect Sex Trafficking?
Today on the podcast we’re going to travel across the world with Meghan Tschanz, author of Women Rising, and see what she discovered in the brothels in east Asia as she tried to help the women there. Then we’ll go closer to home and look at a new study that shows how our beliefs about God can affect our beliefs about abuse.
I had a wonderful conversation with Meghan, so listen in!
Browse all the Different Podcasts
See the Last “Start Your Engines” (Men’s) Podcast
Or, as always, you can watch on YouTube:
Timeline of the Podcast
0:40 Meghan Tschanz joins us and tells some of her story
3:45 How Christian views were repeated by men buying women
18:00 Does society see women as inherently less than?
20:10 Maybe it’s NOT individual sin
31:00 How the church and predators view women the same way
37:00 What does the research say? + False teaching of the week
42:45 RQ: My wife and I don’t fit typical gender roles
47:15 Encouragement!
Meghan Tschanz spent several years on the mission field, specifically with sex trafficking, first as a year-long course and then leading short-term teams.
The more she talked to the women being trafficked, and the more she talked to the men buying these girls for sex, the more she realized that the rationale for so much of it was similar to what she had been taught about gender roles growing up in her evangelical churches.
She talks in her book (which I read last week–it’s amazing!) that one man from the U.S. said that he preferred Filippino women because they knew how to respect their men, unlike American women who did not. He felt that, because he was the man, he was owed respect. Yet he did not feel the need to respect these women at all.
Meghan realized that you can’t stop the sex trafficking crisis by dealing with the supply, because there will always be desperate people. You have to deal with the demand by dealing with the underlying beliefs that think it’s okay to treat other human beings that way. And unfortunately, many of those beliefs are also in our churches. So across the world, Meghan found her voice.
It’s a moving book, and I highly recommend it!
New Research: What beliefs are highly associated with domestic violence myths?A “new to us” study (it’s actually three years old now) surveyed several hundred students at Bethel Seminary, and found that those who believed some typical Calvinist doctrines are more likely to believe myths that we know are associated with higher levels of domestic violence, or with covering up domestic violence or telling victims to remain in violent marriages. Here’s part of their findings:
The researchers found that Calvinist beliefs were positively associated with domestic violence myth acceptance. In other words, seminary students who agreed with statements like “Christ’s redeeming work was intended to save the elect only” and “God eternally perseveres in His faithfulness with those whom He has chosen” were more likely to also agree with statements like “A lot of domestic violence occurs because women keep on arguing about things with their partners” and “Many women have an unconscious wish to be dominated by their partners.”
Calvinist beliefs were also positively associated with endorsements of social hierarchy, and negatively related to social justice advocacy — such as speaking out for equality for women. In addition, Calvinist beliefs were linked to higher levels of existential defensiveness, or a belief that God would protect them more than other people.
Eric W. DolanParticular Christian beliefs linked to rationalizations of domestic violence against women
This doesn’t mean that all Calvinists abuse! We’re attending an online small Presbyterian church right now where the beliefs tend Calvinist, so that’s not what we’re saying. But it’s important to see how our beliefs can be used to justify bad things, and be aware of how our beliefs are easily twisted, because abusers tend to flock to communities that justify what they do.
John Piper wrote an article a while ago on how complementarianism protects women while the belief that men and women are equal leaves women vulnerable. Again, he did this with absolutely no research, simply his theological beliefs. When you look at it in the real world, you find that he’s absolutely wrong. Abuse is more likely to flourish in communities with strict gender hierarchies. Again, I’d point everyone to my article on how research is important when we talk about these things.
Reader Question: We don’t fit traditional gender roles, and we feel left out of our churchA man wrote in with this question:
My question is about “traditional marriage roles” (i.e. women stay home, raise children, cook, clean, etc. while the man is the primary breadwinner). It seems like the churches we’ve attended have failed to come to terms with the fact that society has changed and that many families now require both spouses to work which means that the household tasks need to be shared by both spouses. For me personally this has been a huge struggle, not the tasks themselves, but basically having to silence all the “teachings” in my head about what a “Godly home looks like” with the wife “making the home” and “greeting the husband with a clean house and dinner waiting, and the best behaved children on the planet.”
Our household is definitely not traditional. Both my wife and I work, and we both raise our two children together (my wife handles the brunt of the logistics and coordination), and the household work is split about 70/30 with me handling the brunt of that.
It’s lonely! In church we were always the odd ones out cause very few others could relate to us. None of the other husbands talked about doing dishes or cooking dinner 5-6 nights a week. The women didn’t know how to interact with my wife cause she isn’t the stereotypical “Godly wife.” We are currently not attending a church.
Are there any resources of encouragement out there? We just need encouragement—the husbands who cook and clean, and the wives who work out-of-the-home jobs. Or are we “in sin” because we don’t adhere to the “traditional roles of marriage.”
I’d love to hear your thoughts on that one!
Then we read the Twitter thread that started off Monday’s post on research and Christian advice, and had some more encouragement from someone for whom the blog and podcast had changed her marriage.
Things Mentioned in This Podcast:Meghan Tschanz’s book Woman Rising: Learning to Listen, Reclaiming Our VoiceThe article Meghan mentioned by Lyn Yonack about power and sexual abuseThe Wipe Every Tear charityThe study about Calvinist/complementarian beliefs and their correlation with domestic violence mythsThe Twitter thread by Branden Henry talking about books and researchThe Great Sex RescueSupport our Patreon for as little as $5 a month! Help fund our peer reviewed research and new social media channels to spread our research.
What do you think? Do you have any thoughts for the man who feels spiritually homeless? And have you seen any of the phenomenon that Meghan points out? Let’s talk in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts 100th Podcast Episode! Let’s Talk What Makes Sex DehumanizingMay 14, 2021 | 15 Comments
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May 19, 2021
She Doesn’t Need to Put Out. That’s Not All He Thinks About! How Our Sexuality Got Derailed
Today’s post is by Dorothy Littell Greco, author of Making Marriage Beautiful and Marriage in the Middle, a great book about marriage in midlife. Today she adapts an excerpt for us from Marriage in the Middle about how faulty teaching and cultural conditioning attempt to
derail our God-given sexuality. The excerpt is in both her voice and her husband’s voice in part.
We live in a world where it’s unimaginable to go through a single day without being barraged by hypersexualized imagery.And yet it’s incredibly countercultural to talk about our bodies and our sexuality in an honest, respectful fashion—even as adults.
This is not a new problem. Nor is it only a church problem. Both religious and secular culture have largely failed to offer a healthy, balanced perspective of sexuality. Many of us were most likely inculcated by one of two diametrically opposed philosophies regarding sex: the anything goes, no-rules-apply approach or the highly repressive everything-is-forbidden approach of the extreme abstinence movement. Neither of these ideologies accurately captures God’s intent.
Regardless of whether we were raised in the extreme abstinence movement, permissive secular culture, or some place in between, we all have to sift through layers of cultural conditioning and misguided teaching to determine God’s intent for our sexuality. This is true even if we’ve been married for decades.
Starting in adolescence, culture conditions men and women differently.By the early teen years girls know that should they fail to keep their boyfriends sexually satisfied, it’s their fault if the boys go elsewhere. I remember standing around a bonfire at a high school pep rally within earshot of an ex-boyfriend. With his arms wrapped around his new steady, he said, “I used to go out with her,” nodding in my direction. His girlfriend asked, “Why did you break up with her?” He replied, “She didn’t give out.” With just four words he effectively shamed me and clarified his expectations for her. I wish I could say that this line of thinking stops when we reach adulthood, but I’ve heard more than a few male pastors blame wives for their husbands’ sexual indiscretions.
Many Christian women often find themselves in a double bind. Not only are we seemingly responsible for keeping our husbands sexually satisfied, but we’re also apparently responsible for mankind’s sexual sobriety. Soon after the late Rev. Billy Graham began his public ministry, he, along with several of his trusted friends, decided to safeguard his ministry by implementing several rules, one of which stated that they would not meet individually with a woman unless a third party was present. Known as the “Billy Graham rule,” this has become standard practice for many male Christian leaders.
Fidelity should be a nonnegotiable component of marriage and men are wise to understand their vulnerabilities.But when a male leader refuse to meet one-on-one with a woman, the woman can feel that the man is not safe—and somehow it’s her fault. More than that, such legalistic practices limit women’s access to leadership. This is just another way that women have been objectified; if a man cannot be alone in a professional or ministerial setting with a woman, women cease being image bearers.
Whether it’s in the context of one-on-one relationships or in the church at large, women often receive the message that our bodies are both powerful and dangerous. To minimize this and protect our brothers, there’s tangible pressure for us to go beyond appropriate modesty and become almost asexual by concealing curves, cleavage, or any other sensual body parts. From this vantage point it can feel like women are perceived to be seductresses who sing their siren songs for the sole purpose of luring unsuspecting men into the rocks, à la Homer’s Odyssey. While some women do misuse their sexuality and self-objectify, the meta-message here is that men are powerless to resist—which is not at all consistent with Jesus’s example or his teachings (see Matthew 5:30).
Outside religious settings, women’s bodies are detached from their souls and idolized. The fashion and entertainment industries, which serve as baseline indicators of secular beliefs, seem intent on exposing as much female flesh as possible: not to celebrate women’s beauty but to sell things. Men can also be objectified, as shows like The Bachelorette prove.
Though it looks different, cultural conditioning can be similarly unhelpful for men.Throughout their lives, men receive the message that they are wired to constantly think about sex, and that their worth is deeply tied to their virility and sexual prowess.
Emphasizing virility or frequency encourages men to prioritize the act of sex (which can take less than ten minutes) over intimacy (which takes inestimably longer). Esteeming virility also contributes to the lie that men cannot consistently control their sexual desires. Based on his experiences, my husband feels that,
American culture tends to frame sexual performance as the masculinity litmus test. Even within Christian circles it seems that we’re not true men unless we’re thinking about having sex all the time. One study done by a conservative Christian organization stated that “80-90% of men view sex as the most important aspect of their marriage.” If this is true, which I highly doubt, how much of that is a function of conditioning and poor anxiety management? That the average American male has to exert significant energy to not think about sex is a fact: that doesn’t mean it’s not possible or that we shouldn’t develop that ability.
It’s ironic that I can feel like I’m not man enough because I don’t think about sex all the time. We’re telling each other the wrong story. We can’t and shouldn’t always be thinking about sex. There’s too much else to do! This kind of pressure may cause some men to eroticize all of their emotional and physical needs, and some to shut down because they know they can’t keep up. Men are more vulnerable than we let on, even if we’re not likely to admit it.
If men take in these messages and conclude that their behavior is dependent on what someone else does or doesn’t do or that the Holy Spirit is not available to them when they feel tempted, they will fail to develop the self-control necessary to remain faithful in thought and deed. When a man’s sexuality has been touched by the power of the gospel, he will be able to have a face-to-face conversation with any woman—even a bikini-clad Miss Universe—and maintain self-control. Even if he feels tempted or aroused.
To walk in a holy, healthy sexual ethic we must refute erroneous teaching and recognize when culture is leading us astray.We will also need to acknowledge the power of our God-given sexuality, become aware of our areas of temptation, and find the balance between self-control and sexual expression.
Regardless of where our misguided input came from or how long it has been influencing us, it’s never too late to come into full alignment with God’s purposes for our sexuality.
Adapted from Marriage in the Middle by Dorothy Littell Greco. Copyright (c) 2020 by Dorothy Littell Greco. Published by InterVarsity Press, Downers Grove, IL. www.ivpress.com
Dorothy Littell Greco is the author of Making Marriage Beautiful and Marriage in the Middle: Embracing Midlife Surprises, Challenges and Joys. When she’s not writing or making photographs, she love to go on long kayaks and long walks with her husband of 30 years. You can find more of her work on her website.
[image error]What do you think? Have you noticed this phenomenon? Let’s talk in the comments!
May 18, 2021
The Chapter That Got Cut from The Great Sex Rescue
We had to cut a lot to get it down to 65,000.
So we started with cutting big chunks (which is often easier than cutting a sentence here or there.) And one chapter that we removed was sex as transaction. Our obligation sex message originally had three chapters: Sex as transactional; sex as obligation; sex as coercion. They’re all on the spectrum of the same message–you need to give your husband sex when he wants it.
The problem was that the transactional section was the least well defended in terms of quotes from our bestsellers. We had tons of quotes about women being obligated to have sex; tons of quotes about marital rape (unfortunately). But making the case that sex for men and talking for women are equivalent, and that if you want him to talk to you, you need to give him sex? That was a little more nebulous. It was everywhere in the books, and yet it was hard to find a one or two sentence quote that said just that.
So we ended up taking the part of the chapter that was about using sex to reward him–he does the dishes and you have sex with him–and got that down to a page and a half, and kept it in.
Fathom Mag recently asked us if we had left anything on the cutting room floor after writing The Great Sex Rescue–if there was anything we wanted to say that didn’t make it in.And we thought of that chapter that got cut, and we decided we’d love to do something with it. So we took the idea, edited it here and there, added some more quotes we’ve since found, and sent it in.
Here, for instance, are some anecdotes that didn’t make it into the book:
But couples aren’t free from this message when they leave the Christian book store. This idea that women need to be cajoled into sex permeates the wider evangelical culture. Pastor Ted Cunningham, in a video produced by Focus on the Family, advised men that doing housework will get her in the mood for sex. In fact, it’s so likely to get her in the mood that they don’t even have to actually do the housework! Cunningham says, “I have found that the sound of the dishwasher turns my wife on. And the secret is: you don’t even need dishes in it. Just get the dishwasher on; spray some 409 around the house.”
Perhaps most blatant of all, pastor and comedian Mark Gungor, in his highly popular A Tale of Two Brains event, explains, “Now, at some fundamental level, this is every man’s basic interest in a woman.” He draws an arrow toward a smiley face representing her vulva, pauses for laughter, and then continues. “Women say, ‘Well that’s terrible . . . It should be about companionship and fellowship and sharing.’” He continues, “Girls, if your husband was interested in companionship, fellowship, and sharing, he’d have gotten a golden retriever.”
Then Gungor, in this curriculum that is widely used in the US military, goes on to explain, “The reason [his sex drive] keeps coming back is to motivate him to be nice to the girl . . . be nice to the girl . . . be nice to the girl.” He finishes with a flourish, “And I gotta tell you girls, if it weren’t for [sex], we probably wouldn’t really deal with y’all.”
Want to Ruin Your Sex Life? Read a Christian Best-sellerWe’re so grateful to them for running our piece in this issue. Can you help us out and give them some traffic and read the whole thing?
And look around a bit while you’re there! There’s an article by Beth Alison Barr in that issue on how Christian Patriarchy is Just Patriarchy. There’s an article about deconstructing–what if you start doubting some of what you believe, but you still cling to Jesus and Scriptures? I know so many of you are going through that–you’re questioning what you’ve heard about gender roles or power or parenting or more. There’s an article on How to Fight Racism. Just click on “Next Story” at the bottom of each article and you’ll get sent to many different great articles to keep you chewing on stuff all day.
One more quote from our article:
What would happen if, instead of threatening and cajoling women into sex, we talked to couples about personal responsibility and consent? What if, instead of portraying men as frat boys who are just being nice to you to get in your pants, we call out men’s capacity for deep emotional intimacy? And what if, instead of portraying women as frigid, we teach couples the location of the clitoris? Want to Ruin Your Sex Life? Read a Christian Best-sellerAnd PS: Our survey closes tomorrow! So if you’re a woman and you haven’t taken it yet, please do. It will help us tremendously with our mothers of daughters book (and you don’t have to be a mom to take it! Or even married. Just an adult woman).
The Great Sex RescueChanging the conversation about sex & marriage in the evangelical church. What if you're NOT the problem with your sex life?What if the things that you've been taught have messed things up--and what if there's a way to escape these messages?
Welcome to the Great Sex Rescue. Order Now!
We’d love to get in even more Christian publications, or be on even more podcasts! If you have a lead of someone who may want to interview us or write about our book, let us know in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts Not So Groovy, Baby: Did Evangelical Sex Advice Get Stuck in the 1970s?May 12, 2021 | 14 Comments
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