Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 20
October 29, 2021
Are You Feeling too Schlubby to Want to Have Sex?
And when you feel schlubby (I love that word!), it’s hard to want to get it on.
I get the best stuff sent to me from readers, and last week a reader passed along an article from the Wall Street Journal about how COVID has accelerated the trend of people feeling to schumpy or schlubby to have sex. We’re out of shape, we’re carrying more where we don’t want to carry more, we’re ashamed of our bodies, and we don’t necessarily want our spouse to see them.
The article explains:
Research shows that when we feel bad about our bodies, we feel less sexual desire and less satisfaction. This is true for men and women. Even thinking about how someone else may negatively assess our body can decrease our own desire. And feeling bad about our body during a sexual encounter can lead to decreased satisfaction.
“Body image has a powerful impact on our sexuality,” says Robin Milhausen, professor in the department of Family Relations and Applied Nutrition at the University of Guelph, in Ontario, Canada, who studies this issue. “And we’re our own harshest critics.”
In reporting this story, I found people dodging their partner’s overtures, hiding under the covers during sex and faking headaches and backaches, all because they felt schlubby.
Elizabeth BernsteinWall Street Journal, Feeling too Schlubby to Have Sex? It's Not Just You
I asked on Facebook this week how this phenomenon affected all of you. Many of you chimed in saying similar things!
I am skinny enough for people who struggle with weight to be annoyed with me for complaining about a pudgy stomache but I freak out when I my husband goes to touch my stomach if I feel bloated or when I need to lose 20 lbs.
I have come a long way and I try to mentally just push past it but it’s so hard.
I do have body image issues. Mostly because my mother had anorexia and put me on my first diet when I was five. I wasn’t fat. But she was afraid I might get fat.
That was compounded by church teaching that a woman owes her husband attractiveness. My parents were afraid I’d never be attractive enough to get married.
After 4 kids, I feel this way often. Like I don’t measure up and my husband could not possibly find me attractive enough to want to see any of that. But he reminds me regularly that I am beautiful just the way I am. Extra skin, fat, stretch marks… all of it! The reminders help get me going, because I know I married someone who genuinely cares about ME as a whole person, not just a body.
So what’s the answer when your body image is making you not want sex?Well, according to the Wall Street Journal, it’s to increase touch! But touch of the right kind:
When you feel schlubby, you’re stuck in your head. “You’re distracted by this idea that you are not good enough sexually,” says Barry McCarthy, a retired sex therapist, co-author of “Rekindling Desire,” and professor emeritus at American University, where he taught a human sexuality course for decades. The solution is to get out of your head and let your body take over. That’s where touch, or what psychologists call “responsive sexual desire,” comes in.
Think of touch on a scale of 1 to 10: 1 is affectionate. 2-3 is sensual, say a backrub. 4-5 is playful and flirty, such as a teasing touch. 10 gets you to sex. Too many couples have only affectionate or sexual touch, Dr. McCarthy says. Yet, it’s giving and receiving sensual and erotic touch—actively, not passively—that gives your body a chance to override your worried mind.
Elizabeth BernsteinWall Street Journal, Feeling too Schlubby to Have Sex? It's Not Just You
So let’s picture this visually. I’m going to take some liberties here because the article didn’t mention what all of the numbers represent. But here’s the idea that Keith and I were using when we wrote The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex (coming out in March, along with the new edition of The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex!):
We tend to gravitate to the least personal parts of touch.We may hold hands, for instance, and show affection, but you can do that to a child or a dog as well. It’s vitally important, but it’s not enough.
And, ironically, sex doesn’t always feel that personal. Even though you’re joining genitals, it’s easy to avoid touching other parts of you. You can actually feel less vulnerable if it’s only about that one part of the body.
What we need to do when we’re feeling schlubby is to touch and awaken touch, even if we’re hesitant. Let yourself feel that you are still sexual!
So do the backrubs. Flirt a little. Kiss more (that’s the exciting part!). And even start along the road to arousal, touching more erogenous zones, before you just jump to sex.
Here’s a tip: Ask your spouse tonight, how much time do we spend at each of those numbers? Which one would you most like to increase?Increase the other types of touch outside the bedroom–and spend more time on foreplay inside the bedroom.
That may sound difficult, but we quoted a study in The Great Sex Rescue that found that getting back in shape was easier when you felt confident about yourself, not when you felt lousy about yourself.You are allowed to enjoy your body–even if your body isn’t where you’d like it to be.
You can thank your body for getting you through a pandemic. For getting you through your day. For being the vehicle through which you enjoy life.
And it can be the vehicle through which you enjoy your spouse, too!
Enjoy your body, and you’ll care for it better, and you’ll enjoy life more.
And I want to end with this comment from Facebook, which was lovely:
After reading a bunch of the comments- one thing is standing out to me. How many of us have super husbands ! There are so many comments about husbands that don’t see the negative that we see, that love all of it, that SAY so! It’s really encouraging. After the last months of discussions of women’s sexuality being second to the mans and the ways the Church and believing authors have messed things up and missed the mark. Look how many of us have good men. They aren’t all messed up! There IS hope. They definitely aren’t perfect but then – isn’t that the point here too? They seem to give us WAY more physical grace than we give ourselves. Refreshing. I am happy for so many of these ladies!
Amen! May we all encourage our spouses like this.
Okay, that’s my pep talk.
But I know it can still be difficult. So let’s talk in the comments about how to overcome this “schlubby” feeling and just find confidence again!
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts 4 Characteristics of a Sexually Confident ManOct 25, 2021 | 79 Comments
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The post Are You Feeling too Schlubby to Want to Have Sex? appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
October 28, 2021
PODCAST: How to Be Sex Positive Without Being Creepy
And in today’s Start Your Engines Podcast (we like to take the last Thursday of every month and dedicate it to a podcast that men would be interested in as well), we try to show how men and women may approach sex information differently.
And how there’s a serious creepy factor for many women that we all need to understand a little bit better!
Because, seriously, people–like I always say, you shouldn’t say “a woman’s wetness” when you can just say “lubrication!”
Okay, let’s jump in:
(And by the way–the baby’s not here yet! We mentioned she may have arrived, but so far–we’re still waiting!)
Browse all the Different Podcasts
See the Last Regular Bare Marriage Podcast
Or, as always, you can watch on YouTube:
Timeline of the Podcast
1:00 How to be sex positive without being creepy!
3:10 Content warnings
5:00 What is up with the weird stuff in these books?
8:10 How to tell the difference between pornagraphic language and sex positivity
16:30 We need to be careful how we speak about our spouse in books
24:45 Don’t throw out modesty along with shame
26:00 How to be explicit, but not creepy
34:15 Sheila’s personal rule for writing sex books
41:30 Keith dicusses what it means to be a sexually confident man
45:30 Noticing someone is attractive does not make you gross
56:30 Some encouragement!
It’s very important that pastors and authors learn how to talk about sex in an open, sex-positive, non-shaming way–without crossing the line into creepy, erotic, or objectifying.
Rebecca and I looked at several passages from Every Man’s Battle by Steve Arterburn, Married Sex by Gary Thomas and Deb Fileta, and several passages from Sheet Music by Kevin Leman, to see how explicit and clinical can cross over into erotic and creepy pretty easily. Then we read an excerpt from His Needs Her Needs (which I normally don’t like) to show how they actually did this quite clinically and well.
A few things we covered:
Don’t talk about women primarily in terms of their body partsEven though we’re writing about sex, make sure you don’t talk about women only in terms of sex or their body parts. Every Man’s Battle was especially horrible with this!
Don’t use emotional language when describing sex actsWhen you use emotional language, you ask someone to experience something with you. So instead of just explaining or teaching, you’re now entering into the experience with them–and that gets creepy. So don’t talk about how to “Mr. Happy likes to be licked” when describing oral sex, for instance.
We gave quite a few examples to help people understand the difference!
Don’t objectify your spouseEven though Kevin Leman often crossed creepy lines in Sheet Music, he didn’t talk about his own particular wife. What we found distressing in Married Sex is how much Gary Thomas spoke explicitly about his wife. We only gave two examples here (there were plenty more), but it isn’t appropriate to talk about your spouse’s body parts or what they do when they reach orgasm, because it invites people to picture your spouse in a sexual way. That’s never appropriate–even if your spouse consents.
It also inserts into the Christian culture the idea that it’s okay to talk about your wife sexually to other men (and he even insinuates that if she gives a good enough hand job, a husband will want to brag to his friends–again, not appropriate).
Don’t write eroticaWe read a segment from Married Sex (don’t worry, we gave a warning) that is simply erotica. There’s not even any instructional value, because Rebecca and I can’t even agree on what sexual act is being described. It’s just for titillation’s sake. That’s a problem, because readers aren’t expecting it in a Christian book, so it can feel like a violation.
Reader Question: Is it okay to be hurt that my husband finds other women attractive?In response to Keith’s amazing article this week on the 4 characteristics of a sexually confident man, a woman wanted to know more about the difference between noticing and lusting. If her husband is getting over a porn addiction, isn’t it okay for her to want him to act in a trustworthy manner? And is there a difference between being sexually attractED and sexually attractIVE?
This is really tricky, especially where betrayal trauma is involved. Keith and I tried to dissect this a little more.
The Great Sex RescueChanging the conversation about sex & marriage in the evangelical church.
What if you're NOT the problem with your sex life?What if the things that you've been taught have messed things up--and what if there's a way to escape these messages?
Welcome to the Great Sex Rescue. Order Now! Things Mentioned in This Podcast:Thanks to our sponsor Femallay! Check out their vaginal melts, and my post on how your vagina changes as you ageOur Patreon–support us for as little as $5 a month and get access to our unfiltered podcasts and our private Facebook group (which is really active!)The Great Sex Rescue–Chapters 5 and 6 cover the lust issue and porn issue, and try to do so in a non-shaming way, focused on actual researchOur Sexy DaresThe Intimately Us AppOur Orgasm CourseKeith’s post on sexually confident menOur podcast with Marc Alan Schelske about emotional maturityAndrew Bauman’s post about the pornographic style of relating
Let us know–do you agree with the difference between sex positivity and creepiness? Where would you draw the line? Let’s talk in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts Let’s See the Pornographic Style of Relating in ActionOct 22, 2021 | 34 Comments
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The post PODCAST: How to Be Sex Positive Without Being Creepy appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
October 27, 2021
Does Your Vagina Need a Little TLC?
With thanks to Femallay for sponsoring this post.
Your vagina was meant to be lubricated, supple, and elastic.It’s supposed to be able to stretch (for obvious reasons, like both penetrative sex and childbirth), but then it’s also supposed to go back into place afterwards.
It’s supposed to get lubricated and stay at least a little moist pretty much most of the time, with extra lubrication when you’re sexually excited (and at certain times during your cycle).
The skin of the vulva and your inner and outer lips, when you’re younger, doesn’t droop and it doesn’t tend to sag. I don’t know what the right adjective is–taut seems wrong–but the skin of the vulva forms a consistent shape.
And it’s mostly the hormone estrogen that does this.Estrogen increases blood flow to the genitalia to keep it moist, taut (for lack of a better word), and supple. Estrogen keeps everything moving nicely.
But what happens when estrogen starts to diminish?Women in their 40s and 50s and beyond have less estrogen in their bodies, and this impacts the vagina in a variety of ways–general comfort, and, of course, sex!
DrynessA normal, young, post-pubertal vagina tends to be at least a little moist. Not like a mouth moist, but it’s similar. That makes basic movement easier, and it creates a healthier and more comfortable environment for all kinds of things (including sex).
But a normal, menopausal vagina is a lot less moist. That can cause a bit of daily discomfort, but it can especially show up in the bedroom when your mind may be raring to go, but your vagina and vulva haven’t gotten with the program.
At older ages, you can even have breakthrough bleeding which can look like a mini-period, even decades after menopause. If this happens, please see a doctor immediately. But it doesn’t always mean something like cancer. You can just get “all dried up”! And that’s why finding other ways to keep lubricated can help.
Thinning, Sensitivity, and TearingWith less estrogen, the vaginal tissues start to get thinner. And we already know they get less lubricated.
So picture tissue that is thinning and more fragile, and that is dry, and then imagine what thrusting against that tissue would feel like. Yep. Lots of women get tearing and microfissures of the vagina from sex after menopause. (don’t worry; I’ll tell you how to prevent that in a minute!)
Shortening and TighteningAs the vagina gets less lubricated, it can also start to “shrink”, causing penetration to feel quite tight, and even causing the vagina to shorten (so the length from the opening to the cervix becomes shorter).
InfectionsFinally, the lubrication that women get due to increased estrogen is also largely responsible for the good bacteria in our vaginas. When the lubrication goes away, some of that good bacteria can as well, causing some women to have more frequent UTIs (urinary tract infections) after menopause.
So what should you do to help your vagina–before and after menopause?Before menopause, your vagina will thank you if you:Learn how to do Kegel exercises
Keep your pelvic floor muscles in great health to help prevent prolapse (where organs push in and down the vagina), incontinence, and more when you’re older. (Here’s a great video to learn how to do Kegel exercises)
Figure out how to make sex great for you!
Figure out now, before menopausal changes come, how to experience real pleasure. Learning how to get turned on will help you later when sex starts to pose some special challenges.
Get help with painful sex or postpartum pain
If you’re experiencing pain during intercourse, or if you’re not healing as well as you’d like to postpartum and sex has now become difficult or feels different, please see a pelvic floor physiotherapist, or talk to your general health provider. When we don’t get things checked, we can actually make things worse. You shouldn’t have to live with pain, or with loss of sensation.
During and after menopause, your vagina will thank you if you:Have lots of sex–that is actually pleasurable for you!
Intercourse without pleasure or orgasm will not help you. But intercourse where there is lubrication (even if it’s bought), and where you do orgasm, can really help! It can prevent shortening of the vagina; it can help maintain elasticity; and it can help you with muscle control.
Get help to stay lubricated
You are not less sexual when you hit menopause. You can want sex just as much and enjoy sex just as much! But you just may need some help getting lubricated.
Introducing Femallay’s Vaginal MeltsWe’re used to thinking of “lubrication” as something that the husband puts on his penis that helps him thrust without discomfort for either of you.
That’s great–and it can help tremendously. But all it really does is help you temporarily feel more comfortable during sex.
What I like about Femallay is that they’re a women’s wellness company that’s focused on products that actually help YOU. Instead of a typical lubricant, Femallay’s vaginal melts are specially formulated to help address the many different challenges that our vaginas face as we age!
Femallay’s vaginal melts are suppositories made with botanical oils and butters, enriched with Vitamins A and E, that give your vagina the TLC it needs!
And they’re available in a wide variety of flavours (that’s fun!) with a wide variety of essential oils (and some that are completely unscented). And you can even order small sample packages to see which ones you like best.
Femallay explains: Femallay’s Vaginal Moisturizing Suppository Melts are a natural solution to restore vaginal moisture and boost confidence! Naturally nourishing and rich in vitamins A & E, Femallay’s vaginal suppository melts were crafted with your well-being and pleasure in mind. Luxurious illipe butter and lavish botanical oils work together in these melts to deliver long-lasting moisture while also helping to restore skin elasticity!
Made with premium ingredients for your health and comfort, all of our suppositories are soy-free, gluten-free, glycerin-free, paraben-free, hormone-free, and naturally antimicrobial.
Their melts come with a super easy applicator. You can use one daily to relieve dryness and minor irritation, or insert right before sex for some quick lubrication right when you want it!
What about younger women who also need some TLC?Everyone is different, and some of you may need some help with elasticity even earlier–especially after childbirth! You may need some help with healing, or just to get back on track (check with your medical provider if you’re using them postpartum!)
If you’ve been struggling with sexual pain, these can also help once you’ve done the pelvic floor physiotherapy and retrained your muscles (please do that work first!).
Plus their new Hemp suppositories, made with hemp oil, can help with cramps too.
We often don’t think about our vaginas much until something goes wrong.We pay attention during our periods, but other than that–they don’t affect us much. And that’s how we’re made! That’s a good thing.
But if we can pay attention earlier, we can find that we breeze through a lot of the changes that come with childbirth, menopause, hormonal changes, and more.
Your vagina is an awfully important part of you. So give it the TLC it deserves!
Take me to the vaginal melts!
Have you experienced changes in your vagina, or challenges? Let’s talk in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts PODCAST: What Are Christian Resources NOT Telling You About Abuse?Oct 21, 2021 | 17 Comments
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The post Does Your Vagina Need a Little TLC? appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
October 26, 2021
5 Keys to Sexual Confidence After Menopause
With thanks to Femallay, our sponsor for the sexual confidence series.
I hate hot flashes.Even your hands sweat. The back of your neck gets clammy. You want to strip in public–which is generally not a good idea.
You start to forget things. I’m starting to make grammar mistakes and silly spelling mistakes–and I never do that. The other day I mixed up “your” and “you’re” on the blog. I haven’t gotten something like that wrong since I was 7.
Your sex drive can plummet, too. You start to feel foggy. It can be harder to focus, and harder to motivate yourself.
So perhaps it’s not surprising that I get a LOT of emails from women in their late 40s and 50s saying that they feel as if they should just accept it–life as it was is over, and this is the new me now.
And all too often, the new me does not involve sex.
The drive is gone. It’s not as fun. It’s a lot of work. And haven’t we earned the right, after all these years, to just focus on what we ACTUALLY want to do, instead of always having to focus on what our husbands want? Is that really too much to ask when the hormones are going all wacky and you’re tired anyway?
Okay, ladies. I get it. I do.
I’m in the throes of it, too.
But let me tell you something: Menopause does not have to be awful.And since it’s our sexual confidence series right now, I thought we could talk about some of the good stuff about menopause–and how it can even make sex better, too!
1. Menopause means you can be spontaneousYou have no more periods (or at least lighter and far more infrequent ones). Think about that for a moment. No. More. Periods.
No more having to look at a calendar to figure out if you really want to go away that weekend. No more wondering if a trip to the beach will be a bad idea that day. No more having to be afraid you’ve leaked, you’ve forgotten a tampon, or you just plain feel icky.
And your calendar is likely not quite as hectic, either. You don’t have to get up at the crack of dawn with little kids. You can sleep in more on weekends–and even engage in morning sex! You don’t have to worry about kids climbing into bed with you in the middle of the night. Even if you have teens or young adults still living at home, they’re more likely to be independent, and you’re more likely to have more uninterrupted time together.
You can take baths and showers together. You can snuggle in in the mornings. You can eat breakfast in your bathrobes. You can start being more sensual again, and more spontaenous, simply because more of your time is honestly your own!
2. Menopause means you’re likely at a mature stage in your relationshipIn our early years we’re often focused on other people’s satisfaction and happiness: especially our husbands and our kids. With menopause often comes a stage of life where kids don’t need us in the same way anymore, and our relationship with our husbands has often gotten “into the groove” (or at least a good pattern).
Chances are you can trust your husband. You’ve worked out a lot of your problems. And that means that sex has a lot less emotional weight to it than it may have had at the beginning of the marriage when you were still figuring out libido differences or preferences or even getting over disappointments or betrayals.
(And if those things haven’t been accomplished–then menopause may give you the extra push to do something about it! You realize that life is accelerating, and if you don’t deal with something now, then this is likely as good as it’s ever going to get. So menopause helps us re-evaluate and decide to work on the things that may still be holding us back).
Now you can rest assured that sex is the full expression of everything you are together. You can relax more. And relaxing means that you can be more yourself! You can actually be more passionate, because you’re able to let your guard down and be more vulnerable.
That doesn’t mean that you have to get “freaky” or try every weird thing under the sun. Simply that you can relax in everything your relationship is and let that play out in the bedroom in a much easier way. Sex isn’t just about excitement (though it is still about that). It’s also about connection, closeness, even your history together.
3. Menopause brings fun opportunitiesLet’s be real: Menopause does mean that your body goes through changes that impact libido and arousal. As women become more mature, it often takes more time to become fully aroused sexually. Estrogen changes mean that there’s less blood flow to the genitalia, which impacts arousal and lubrication. We can start to experience “arousal nonconcordance”, where our brains are totally into it and we’re ready to have fun, but then there’s almost no lubrication. And because there’s less blood flow, the vagina can actually atrophy or get quite dry, which can lower elasticity and make intercourse more painful. So your brain wants to have sex, but your body just isn’t responding like it should.
Don’t interpret this as a failure. You aren’t less sexual. You just may benefit from a little help!
That’s why I love Femallay’s vaginal melts! They’re vaginal suppositories, available in a wide range of flavours and scents, that help re-moisturize the vaginal area and improve elasticity. Plus they make sex a lot more comfortable and fun!
What do Femallay’s Vaginal Melts Do?Relieve vaginal drynessPromote vaginal moisture and lubricationSmooth vulva care and massageHelps increase sensitivityImproves skin elasticity, softness, and supplenessReduce irritation, itchiness, and redness from dry, thinning skin
Check them out and have some fun!
Take me to the vaginal melts! 4. Menopause encourages you to savor the moment and slow down during sexFor many women, menopause also means that orgasm can take longer and be more elusive. Please rest assured–there is nothing medical that says that you are unable to orgasm after menopause. It just may be that you have to get connected to your body in a new way. Before it may have been that orgasm was relatively easy if you found the position that you liked, or if you just got in the right frame of mind. Maybe now you’re doing all the same things, but your body just isn’t responding as quickly–or at all.
As we talked about in our Orgasm Course, women who had a relatively easy time reaching orgasm before menopause often have more problems after menopause than women who had major problems beforehand. If it was super difficult beforehand, and you had to learn how to listen to your body and how to get aroused, then many women don’t notice much of a difference with menopause (except that it may take longer). But if orgasm was more automatic for you, then menopause may bring more challenges, and you have to go back to basics.
But you can! Menopause is the time to learn that not everything has to be a race–not at work; not getting the kids in the car; not in the bedroom. You can just be present, enjoy what you are feeling without making it too goal oriented, and learn how to listen to your body in a whole new way.
Many women find they finally learn about their bodies at menopause because beforehand everything was kind of automatic. Now they start paying attention, and it gets a whole lot more satisfying.
Slow and steady doesn’t have to be a bad thing or a boring thing. It can be a luxurious thing!
But perhaps the biggest one is this one:
5. You’re more confident in who you are–and this can show up in the bedroom.It’s like there’s a moment when you hit menopause when you realize, “I’ve been trying to impress everyone else my whole life, and it’s time I just concentrated on who I am and who I want to be!”
Menopause may be the time that many women stop trying to please others, and dig deep inside themselves to see who they were meant to be.
This is a great time to try new things.Eliza Hamilton, wife of the now famous Alexander Hamilton, didn’t start her Orphan Asylum until she was 49–and she continued working there until her death at 94. Before then she had dedicated her life to her husband and her kids, and she wanted to give back.My aunt, an anaesthetist, started flying around the world three times a year to do medical missions trips, beginning when she was 53. She continued until she retired at 70, visiting The Philippines, Nepal, Rwanda, and others.Laura Ingalls Wilder didn’t write her books until she was 64.Susan Boyle appeared on Britain’s Got Talent when she was 48.Margaret Thatcher was elected Prime Minister when she was 54.Martha Stewart started her magazine at 49.Corrie ten Boom was arrested by the Nazis for hiding Jews when she was 52; her speaking and writing ministry followed after the war, and lasted until she died at age 91. Menopause does not mean your life is over. Menopause means your new life may just be beginning.
I know this is such a difficult time for many women. Night sweats can mean you never get a good night’s sleep. You can be cranky. Irritable. And really frustrated that you don’t feel at home in your body anymore.
But may I suggest something?
Please don’t settle for the good years being behind you.
You can embrace sexual confidence because you’re more willing to speak up about what you need. You start to realize that if you don’t get this right now, you’re never going to get it right! So you can start telling yourself, “Sex was created for me, too, and I’m going to make sure that I get all the benefits of sex myself!” You stop thinking of sex as something that’s for your husband, and you start realizing, “I need to make sure this is for both of us!”
For many women, menopause is their real sexual awakening, because they realize that they never prioritized their own pleasure before, but only had sex out of obligation or fear or guilt. Now they want to have sex because they want to enjoy it and figure out who they really are. They start taking more (which isn’t always a bad thing in the bedroom!). And they feel truly alive.
Yes, these years can be tricky. But most women do not experience menopause as a time when sex ends or when life goes downhill. For many, this is just the beginning of figuring out who they really are. And that can be awfully exciting–when a woman finally awakes.
What do you think? Has menopause been tough for you? Is there something you’re worried about? Or, if you’ve been through menopause, has it been liberating? Let’s talk in the comments!
Other Posts in the Sexual Confidence Series:3 Markers of Sexual Confidence (especially in women)4 Markers of a Sexually Confident ManKnowing that Sex is for You TooHow to Feel Confident when You're Married to a Porn UserDid You Grow up Embarrassed to Be Female?5 Keys to Sexual Confidence after MenopauseHow Sexual Confidence and Rebuilding Trust IntersectAccepting Your Sexuality as the Higher Drive WifeFeeling Sexually Confident as You Go Through MenopauseLet's Talk Vulvas! Feeling confident about your genitalsYou may also enjoy:The Orgasm CourseThe Great Sex Rescue
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts SEXUAL CONFIDENCE: How Can We Get Over Embarrassment About Being Female?Oct 20, 2021 | 48 Comments
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The post 5 Keys to Sexual Confidence After Menopause appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
October 25, 2021
4 Characteristics of a Sexually Confident Man
We’re in the middle of our sexual confidence series. We began that series looking at the 3 characteristics of a sexually confident woman.
Today on the blog I’ve asked my husband Keith to chime in and write about what a sexually confident man looks like.
So here’s my husband with today’s post!
When Sheila asked me to write this as part of her sexual confidence series, I felt a bit overwhelmed by the topic.These days, so many conflicting opinions exist about what masculinity should or should not be. And typically, when someone offers their perspective on the question, people tend to react rather strongly. Add to that the natural tension between a Christian worldview which stresses gentleness, patience & self-control and the typical view (found both inside and outside the church) that frames male sexuality in terms of conquest and power and…yikes! It does not matter what I write; any post on this topic is likely to offend somebody.
Frankly, I am also reluctant because it seems every time I post something about how men should treat women decently, I get lambasted for being “limp wristed” or a “beta male”.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I care about those men’s distorted view of masculinity. It is that I honestly want to reach even those men (both for their sake and for the sake of the women around them). In fact, it is those men that probably need to hear it most and that is ultimately why I decided to write this. I just really feel the weight of having to describe things in a way that helps men be better, but doesn’t trigger insecurities.
So what are the markers of a sexually confident Christian man?
1. A sexually confident man is not threatened by opportunities to learn and to grow.The people I most admire whether for their abilities or for the things they have accomplished in life have all shared this trait: they are always willing to learn how to do something better. Even if they are at the top of their game, they are constantly scanning for opportunities to improve, including listening to others – even others who are not quite at their level.
In contrast, the people who shut themselves off from feedback, who refuse to see different perspectives or who simply assume they know more than the person talking to them always seem to end up floundering in the long run.
Sheila gets comments on her blog all the time from wives who say something to the effect of: “My husband has told me sex works for him and that I need to figure things out for me on my own.”
These men think they know all there is to know about sex because it feels good for them with minimal effort. They have completely failed to see sex from a woman’s perspective. Not only that, they have completely missed the boat about God’s view of sex, which is meant to be mutual. Rather than learning to be good lovers of their wives, they choose to coast along the easy road that says “sex works for me, so you must be broken”. Do they honestly not care about their wives? Alternatively, perhaps their total lack of knowledge about how to bring their wife pleasure is too heavy a burden for their psyches to handle. Either way, it is a terrible tragedy for both of them, but especially for the wife.
However, a sexually confident Christian man doesn’t assume he knows everything about sex.
He recognizes there is always more to learn in the bedroom and that does not make him feel less masculine. He is not threatened by his wife telling him what feels good (or what doesn’t!) because he honestly wants to be good in bed, not just feel like he is good in bed. He sees the chance to make sex with his wife better and better each year as an amazing opportunity for growth, which he welcomes with anticipation. He knows she is the best resource for him as to what makes her feel good and he mines that resource for as much knowledge as he can possibly glean. He doesn’t beat up on himself when he learns he has done something wrong in the past because now he knows more than he did yesterday! And he looks forward to knowing even more tomorrow.
2. A sexually confident man doesn’t need to feel a sense of entitlement (because he knows he has something to offer).Sheila has written extensively about how God designed sex to be mutual, pleasurable and intimate. In contrast, the vast majority of Christian resources have taught that sex is a male need that wives have a God-given duty to satisfy.
A typical example is Emmerson Eggerichs’s Love and Respect where he tells wives that their husbands have “a need you don’t have” and that if a wife doesn’t satisfy that need her husband will come under Satanic attack and maybe divorce her. But that is only one example of many. Sheila’s book The Great Sex Rescue proved just how widespread the “obligation sex” message really is. (Sheila has actually been teaching this for years; it is just that the book finally proved what she has been saying for so long!)
As a result of these messages, it is fair to say that many (if not most) Christian men have adopted an entitlement mindset.
In their defence, it is a natural conclusion if you accept this message. After all, if sex isn’t for her, if it is just for me, then it follows that as long as I do stuff for her, I should get sex in return. Some go as far as to phrase it as a demand “First Corinthians 7 says you can’t deprive me” (Although Sheila has a great blog post about how that’s not what 1 Cor 7 means). But most of the time, I see it phrased more as a transaction where a husband feels that if he “helps out” in the kitchen early in the day he should be “helped out” in the bedroom at night. (Sheila wrote a great article for Fathom magazine about why this doesn’t work either)
I don’t know any good Christian man who would actually want “obligation sex” over mutual, passionate sex. Yet any time Sheila talks about increasing passion in your marriage by getting rid of the obligation sex message, the outcries come pouring in.
So I have to ask: Why are some men so threatened by smashing the “obligation sex” idol? Sadly, I think it is because many Christian men are worried that if demanding, cajoling and bribing are off the table, then their sex lives will dry up entirely.
In contrast, a sexually confident Christian man is not worried.
He embraces the mutuality inherent in God’s design for sex, starting with a baseline assumption that sex is not just about him, but about them as a couple. If she doesn’t want it tonight, he does not pout and feel hard done by because he has learned to balance passion with self-control. He does not see sex as a need he is dependent on her to fulfil, but sees it as a gift they can give to each other. He has studied her and learned to be a good lover so he knows she will want to another night because he has confidence that he has something to offer. He has learned how to awaken desire in his wife, so he does not need to command it or to beg for it.
And if she doesn’t respond and still doesn’t want sex?
Then he is so committed to serving their relationship that he tries to figure out why. He doesn’t assume she’s broken; he wants to figure out why her libido is subzero. He willingly goes to counseling (and even takes the initiative) if necessary. He talks to her, and most importantly, he listens to her. He knows she may have her own wounds, and he is committed to helping her find health, too.
You may also enjoy:10 Questions to Ask if Your Wife Rarely Wants SexThe Theology of the ClitorisThe Theology of the PenisWhat if Low Libido Women Are Actually Sexually Starved Women? 3. A sexually confident man has a healthy view of his own sexuality“Men don’t naturally have that Christian view of sex.”
I was appalled and offended when Sheila told me those words were written in the book Every Heart Restored. One of the things that constantly puzzles me in the Church is why men allow themselves to be characterized in such base terms.
But then I realized that I shouldn’t have been surprised, because I had at one point allowed the same thing to happen to me. I had read another book in that series, Every Man’s Battle, where I read the words “we find another reason for the prevalence of sexual sin among men. We got there naturally – simply by being male”. At the time I was a young Christian, so I didn’t know to be appalled. Instead, for a brief period, I did what so many other good, young Christian men did; I internalized it.
Like so many Christian men I spent time in bondage to the idea that there is something innately wrong with me “simply by being male”.
When I noticed a woman was beautiful or had nice curves, I thought, “Oh, woe is me! There I go lusting again!” The idea that “lust is every man’s battle” is so prevalent and we are taught about it so much that most Christian men don’t even recognize any more that there clearly is a difference between noticing a woman is beautiful and lusting after her!
This whole teaching then becomes doubly diabolic because it shames good, healthy men for having normal biologic drives while simultaneously excusing wicked, unhealthy men (who actually DO lust) with the whole “boys will be boys” mentality. The good men suffer, the bad men get a free pass and in both cases women live in fear.
In contrast, a sexually confident Christian man has a healthy view of his sexuality.
He does not feel guilty for simply being a man because he does not falsely equate his sexuality with the objectification of women. He admires the beauty in God’s creation that he sees everywhere (including in women), but he also knows what lust actually is and he takes every thought captive to Christ.
He learns to not see women as objects, as “less than”, as “other”. Instead, he sees them as people and he treats them accordingly. He does not bounce his eyes from them, but instead chooses to truly see them for who they are: fellow image-bearers of God. And he does not feel that being a man makes him better or worse than his wife (or other women), but simply tries to be who God made him to be and works to create a world where she can do the same.
The Great Sex RescueChanging the conversation about sex & marriage in the evangelical church. What if you're NOT the problem with your sex life?What if the things that you've been taught have messed things up--and what if there's a way to escape these messages?
Welcome to the Great Sex Rescue. Order Now! 4. A sexually confident man sets and polices his own sexual boundariesAnother thought that accompanies the “all men lust” idea is that women need to adjust their behavior in two specific ways to help men combat their natural proclivity toward sexual sin. They need to:
dress “modestly”have more sex with their husbands.The “modesty message” has been so damaging to women.
The specifics are well detailed in The Great Sex Rescue. However, the toxicity of the message hasn’t stopped it from being spread far and wide through the Church. Maybe this shouldn’t surprise us. When a view takes root in the Church that is blatantly unbiblical, I doubt the fact that it harms some people will matter to those who espouse it.
The fact that it is unbiblical is really not debatable. Jesus did not say, “If your eye causes you to sin, make sure nothing comes within your view that will cause you to stumble”, nor did he say, “When a man looks at a woman with lust in his heart he has already committed adultery….unless she was dressed provocatively, in which case the poor guy had no choice.” Jesus consistently put the onus on men for their own thought lives as did the apostle Paul.
This is in no way meant to say we should have no sympathy for men who struggle with sexual sin. It is simply to say we should help those men get the help they need to do the hard work of healing rather than making everyone else around them feel the weight of it instead, including the victims of their sin.
The “wives need to have more sex” idea is even worse, because it tells women not only in their outward appearance, but even in the most intimate areas of their lives, they must bear the weight of something their husband cannot shoulder. Whether it is a blog post about how a wife can help her husband with his porn addiction or a book that talks about how a wife contributed to her husband’s affair, the message rings loud and clear: men can’t help it, so you women have to adjust. This is your God-given duty.
In contrast, a sexually confident Christian man knows that the purity of his actions and his thought life are not dependent on the choices of others.
He remembers that he can take every thought captive (2 Cor 10:5) and that he can put lust to death (Col. 3:5), because he can do all things as Christ gives him strength (Phil 4:13). He draws enough from the deep well of the love of God that he does not need the easy validation that comes pornography – or at the very least he sees it for what it is: a superficial counterfeit of the true intimacy that God designed between a husband and wife.
It is not that he is not sinless or that he never struggles; he is still a work in progress! But he knows that if he falls that it is because he has settled for the easy road that leads to death rather than following the difficult road that leads to life – – and that it was his feet that took those steps and no one else’s. He takes responsibility for his own actions and his own thought life. When he stumbles, he gets back up. He does not live in shame; he repents and returns. He learns to live in the forgiveness of Christ, even as he learns to live by the Spirit, putting to death the deeds of the body (Rom 8:13). He does not depend on his wife to manage his sin, he depends upon the Spirit who is transforming him day by day (2 Cor 3:18).
That’s what I think a sexually confident man is, and what all men should aspire to.I hope these thoughts are helpful to some of you. Please know that I myself am still on the journey to being a sexually healthy Christian man. I offer these thoughts as a brother in Christ, not as the expert. I myself have struggled with some of these strongholds in the past (particularly the entitlement mindset). I know what is written in a blog post like this can sound very simplistic even when you are honestly trying to have a healthier view. So I encourage you to click through to some of the links to go into further depth on those topics and to seek good help from trusted sources for areas in which you struggle. And, of course, feel free to leave any thoughts you have in the comments below.
What do you think? Are those markers the right ones? Are they common? Relatively uncommon? Let’s talk in the comments!
Other Posts in the Sexual Confidence Series:3 Markers of Sexual Confidence (especially in women)4 Markers of a Sexually Confident ManKnowing that Sex is for You TooHow to Feel Confident when You're Married to a Porn UserDid You Grow up Embarrassed to Be Female?How Sexual Confidence and Rebuilding Trust IntersectAccepting Your Sexuality as the Higher Drive WifeFeeling Sexually Confident as You Go Through MenopauseLet's Talk Vulvas! Feeling confident about your genitalsYou may also enjoy:The Orgasm CourseThe Great Sex Rescue
Keith Gregoire Blog and Podcast Contributor, Co-Author with Sheila of two upcoming marriage books
Keith is the rock that supports Sheila, who runs this blog! Sheila and Keith married when Keith was attending Queen's University medical school in Kingston, Ontario. He later completed his residency in pediatrics at the Hospital for Sick Children, and has since directed the pediatric undergraduate program at Queen's University, and been Chief of Pediatrics at a community hospital in Belleville, Ontario. He and Sheila speak at marriage conferences around the world, and together they've also done medical missions in Kenya. Next up: They're authoring The Guy's Guide to Great Sex together! Plus, of course, he's an avid birdwatcher. Related Posts Yes, You Can Write a Sex Book That Can Help (Almost) EverybodyOct 19, 2021 | 50 Comments
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The post 4 Characteristics of a Sexually Confident Man appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
October 22, 2021
Let’s See the Pornographic Style of Relating in Action
Many of you have really enjoyed hearing Andrew Bauman on the Bare Marriage podcast. He’s the co-founder and co-director of the Christian Counseling Center for Sexual Health and Trauma, and he’s written extensively on what sexual health looks like for men, and how to overcome what he calls the “pornographic style of relating“, when you view women as objects to be consumed rather than as people to know, serve, and love.
This week he published a post on his blog that affected me deeply, and I wanted to share it with you today. It’s like the perfect storm of everything we talked about in The Great Sex Rescue, of all the bad messaging we grow up hearing in church about wives being obligated to give their husbands sex; about all men struggling with lust; about the cure for lust and porn being wives simply having more sex. It shows how often, when you go to the church for help for your marriage, the first question asked is, “are you having enough sex?”
In this piece, Andrew invites Taylor May, a survivor of emotional and spiritual abuse, to share her story. It’s quite raw, so major trigger warnings for abuse and sexual coercion. But it’s an important story, because it illustrates all too well what many women are told by our books, our radio shows, and even our pastors and counselors when we seek help for what we know are bad marriage and sex dynamics. I want to pull three things out of this story.
First, Taylor felt growing up that being a girl was problematic, even sinful.As we looked at on Wednesday on the blog, girls are often portrayed as being seductresses and being sexual just because they develop adult women’s bodies. It is wrong to ascribe sexual motives to a child simply because men or boys may see her as sexual. This is viewing a girl through the eyes of the men and boys, and erasing her own motivations:
For me, this conditioning started long before I ever even understood sex and relationships. Since I was very young, my father wouldn’t let me be friends with boys for fear of something sexual happening. I was only a child! This said way more about him than it did about me or my friends. Sex was on his mind, not mine or any other children in my friend group. I was told over and over again that body parts and hormones were dangerous and sex before marriage would ruin me–but that it would be all boys wanted; all they thought about. If they liked me, there must be ulterior motives. They couldn’t possibly like me for me alone. To this day, my mother is suspicious of every male friend I have. If they are friendly, she will immediately jump to conclusions and will issue verbal and “mom look” warnings.
Taylor MayChristlike or Pornlike? A Christian Woman's Role in Marriage
Second, women often feel trapped and coerced into sexual acts because they believe they must be his only sexual outlet.Because we’ve been taught that men have insatiable sex drives, and that his sexual desire must be targeted towards us, then we feel that every time he wants sexual release we must give it to him, or he will sin. In fact, he can use spiritual manipulation to make us do this, because he can tell us that God made marriage for him to get his sexual release, and without her he’s trapped in sin.
He would touch the “right” parts, usually in the same way, the same order, and I would orgasm. He would often act bored, not aroused, and usually had to start his arousal process over because pleasing me was such a turn-off. If I was sick, uninterested, or incapacitated, he would ask for a handjob. All he needed was a couple of body parts, and he was happy. (You can see his pornographic mindset and pornographic style of relating. I didn’t see it at the time, but looking back, my body was right. I felt it, I just didn’t know how to put language to what my body was telling me was true.)
Taylor MayChristlike or Pornlike? A Christian Woman's Role in Marriage
She goes on to explain how she had to dissociate during sexual encounters and think about something else or fantasize about something else because she felt so used. Sex wasn’t a deep knowing; it was a using. That erases you as a person, and is fundamentally traumatic.
Third, the fault for marriage problems was often laid at her feet–specifically that she needed to give him more sex.When she did seek help, often the first question asked was about sex, and it was insinuated that simply having sex would fix all their problems. He couldn’t be expected to be nice to her if he was sexually deprived, and “filling him up” would somehow release this wonderful husband that couldn’t exist without sexual fulfillment.
Another lie I was told was that, as the wife, I alone was responsible for the health or lack thereof in our marriage. The church has made this point loud and clear. Over and over again, women are told that without a consistent sex life (which is our responsibility to cultivate), our marriage will crumble. But, if we just have more sex, our marriage problems will disappear. Put on lipstick, do your hair, show a little cleavage. But only when you’re alone, of course, or you’ll cause other men to stumble. Do you hear the absolute madness? These are contradictions that would drive any woman insane.
In other words: “Be like the porn I have consumed for the last two decades. Dress like a porn star in the bedroom and a Hollywood actress when in public. This will help me stay committed and keep my eyes from wandering elsewhere.”
But what about my needs? What about the importance of my pleasure; my sexual wants and desires? Why did I have to kill them so I could remain married? I am not saying my desires should have been above his. What I am saying is that both partners should both bring their full selves to their sexuality. Giving and receiving pleasure is part of God’s gift of sexuality.
Taylor MayChristlike or Pornlike? A Christian Woman's Role in Marriage
One of the things we talk about early in The Great Sex Rescue is the importance of understanding the definition of biblical sex.Many of these problems could be avoided, and much of this advice could stop being given, if we differentiated between a sexual encounter where a man has an orgasm and biblical sex, which is always mutual, intimate, and pleasurable for both.
One-sided sex, where one person feels used, is not biblical sex.
It is not the physical actions that make something sex; it is the meaning and the emotions that are imbued into that act. Just like Jesus said, it’s not the outside of the cup, but the inside that matters.
If someone has a pornographic style of relating, then sex won’t grow a marriage; it will only ever steal from it. Every time you have sex, you degrade your spouse. You make her feel used. Often she is coerced. This isn’t right.
We simply must differentiate between healthy, life-giving sex, and soul-crushing sex. Like we said in The Great Sex Rescue, we really need new words for this, because we use them interchangeably, and that’s where a lot of the confusion lies.
The Great Sex RescueChanging the conversation about sex & marriage in the evangelical church. What if you're NOT the problem with your sex life?What if the things that you've been taught have messed things up--and what if there's a way to escape these messages?
Welcome to the Great Sex Rescue. Order Now! This month and next month, as we talk about sexual confidence, let’s remember that confidence entails accepting all of yourself.As we talked about earlier in the series, confidence means accepting who you are and what led you to this point.
But that means that you matter.
Who you are matters. You can’t be sexually confident if who you are is being erased, minimized, or ignored during sex. Unless sex is about two people deeply connecting, you will never feel confident. You will never feel known. You will never feel loved.
And that’s not what God meant for you.
It’s okay to reject the pornographic style of relating when it comes to sex.Marriage does not mean that you have to consent to being used. And if you see ourself in Taylor May’s story, please seek out a licensed counselor. Call a domestic abuse hotline if necessary. And read The Great Sex Rescue (Taylor found it helpful too!), so that you can get a picture of what real biblical sex is.
How can we change this conversation about the definition of sex? What do you think? Let’s talk in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts SEXUAL CONFIDENCE: How to Feel Confident When You’re Married to a Porn UserOct 18, 2021 | 34 Comments
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October 21, 2021
PODCAST: What Are Christian Resources NOT Telling You About Abuse?
It’s another edition of the Bare Marriage podcast, and I wanted to make sure that we had at least one instalment for Domestic Violence Awareness Month (just as we had a podcast about boobs for Breast Cancer Awareness month–October covers a lot of ground).
To start, I need to say upfront that I firmly believe that it’s okay to divorce for abuse. We didn’t argue that point in the podcast; we took it as a given.
But if you’re struggling with that, you can read this on why Wayne Grudem changed his mind about divorce for abuse, or this post on why I think divorce is sometimes necessary.
I invited my friend Gretchen Baskerville, author of The Life-Saving Divorce, on the podcast!
Browse all the Different Podcasts
See the Last “Start Your Engines” (Men’s) Podcast
Or, as always, you can watch on YouTube:
Timeline of the Podcast
0:30 Domestic Violence Awareness Month
2:45 Gretchen joins us for the podcast: Is FOTF a safe resource?
17:15 So, how does divorce affect my kids?
20:30 What does ‘life-saving divorce’ mean?
26:20 Identifying Abuse
33:00 Seeing concerning abuse examples in Christian resources
58:30 Encouragement!
Focus on the Family is supposed to be a safe resource for people seeking help with their marriage. But as we look at in this segment, the organization goes to great lengths–and even unethical lengths–to stop women from divorcing abusive men.
We started with looking at Focus on the Family’s take on divorce. This month, for Domestic Violence Awareness Month, they’ve had some outstanding articles helping people recognize abuse–even spiritual abuse.
But there’s one thing you may not notice off the bat when you read those articles:
Even though they help people recognize abuse, they do not give people proper tools to deal with abuse, because they do not believe divorcing for abuse is allowed.
So they’ll say that you separate to get to safety, but the aim should be reconciliation. And if you can’t reconcile, then you stay separated (even though that has tremendous legal implications that put her and the kids in jeopardy).
They don’t advertise this, but if you call in to their helpline, this is what they advise. And on their handouts about divorce, they say the only reasons for divorce are adultery or lifetime abandonment (whatever that means).
Focus on the Family tends to treat all divorces as if they are frivolous and selfish, when we know that over half of divorces are for abuse or affairs.
As Gretchen says, they also misrepresent research saying that divorce is bad for kids ALWAYS–even though this isn’t true.Gretchen has spent quite a bit of time analyzing Focus on the Family’s articles about why divorce hurts kids, and notes how they misrepresent all of the researchers they quote. Research has found that children DO BETTER if parents divorce in an abusive marriage, and yet Focus on the Family’s articles have encouraged women to stay in those abusive marriages.
Gretchen Baskerville is a Christian in the Los Angeles area who has been doing Christian divorce recovery ministry in churches since 1998. As you can imagine, she’s heard many many heartbreaking stories of betrayal and abuse. She’s become increasingly concerned that the church demonizes divorce, rather than recognizing that there are times when divorce can be life saving.
She is the author of the book The Life Saving Divorce.
Next, I read some excerpts from Christian books to Gretchen to get her take on the problems.
Christian books can distort abuse advice in one of two ways:
They can correctly identify abuse, but then downplay its seriousness or not tell women (or men) to get to safetyThey can describe a dynamic that is obviously abusive, but not name it as such, making people believe they actually aren’t being abusedWe looked at excerpts from Love & Respect, Power of a Praying Wife, Married Sex, and Every Man’s Battle.
Things Mentioned in This Podcast:Our Patreon: Support us for as little as $5 a month! It helps fund Rebecca and Joanna’s time as they write up research papers based on our data for academic journals, and get our research on new social media channels. Plus there are lots of perks for supporters!Gretchen’s book The Life Saving DivorceGretchen’s article looking at 12 half truths in Focus on the Family’s article about divorce and kids; another article on how they misrepresent research around abuse; and how Focus on the Family’s view of divorce keeps changingGretchen’s video on how Love & Respect impacted the people in her coaching groups; see the article version hereMy open letter to Focus on the Family about Love & RespectGretchen’s Facebook Page, her Twitter, and her InstagramHow to Know if You’re in an Abusive Relationship; How to Admit to Yourself that You’re being Abused; 10 Things to Know about Emotionally Destructive Relationships
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts Take a Tour of Other People’s Podcasts–Where I’ve Been a Guest!Oct 15, 2021 | 2 Comments
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October 20, 2021
SEXUAL CONFIDENCE: How Can We Get Over Embarrassment About Being Female?
For a woman to feel sexually confident, she has to feel that being a woman is a good thing, not a source of shame.
And yet, how often do we grow up with that sense of shame at being a woman?
Throughout October and November we’re going to be talking about sexual confidence—what it is, and how to grow it.
I want to take you on a bit of a journey today (or maybe more of a stream of consciousness post!) on various things I’ve read around the internet lately that have solidified this for me.
First, as many of you have seen, I’ve been doing a series of Fixed It For Yous, where I take horrible quotes from books and “fix” them.Usually I fix best-selling books, or books that are widely known in the evangelical world, because I want to make the biggest splash, and if I look at more fringe books–well, obviously you can find ridiculous things in fringe books.
But people keep sending me quotes, and I saw one that was especially horrible recently. Even though it’s not in a best-seller, I decided to “fix” it, because it’s written by a writer who is still featured on The Gospel Coalition’s website. So he isn’t that fringe.
Imagine treating women’s natural cycles like they’re sinful!But how many of us grew up like that? In my period series that we wrote last summer, we talked about the shame that girls would feel over their period. And women are expected to soldier on and hide it. The most embarrassing thing we can do is leak in public. We have to pretend that there’s nothing wrong, acting like we feel great even when we’re crampy or tired. It would be embarrassing to admit weakness.
Incidentally, this is one reason I love Femallay and menstrual cups! It helps women take back control of their periods in an easy way–and stop leaking–but while understanding your body better. And they have teas and more to help you through when you don’t feel your best! Check them out.
Many girls, though, when they get their period, feel that now there is something fundamentally wrong with them.
Recently an online friend, Emily Shore, wrote an article about how girls should NOT have to apologize to their fathers for making their fathers feel awkward.Emily reports that, on October 6 on KLOVE (a Christian radio network), a guest said: “Daughters, we need to apologize to our dads for all those awkward emotional moments growing up. We put them through a lot.”
The guest goes on to say how difficult it is to be a dad of daughters when they are hormonal–and tells women that they need to go back and apologize to their dads for it, and forgive their dads if their dads pulled away.
Here’s part of Emily’s take:
Segment goes on, “But daughters: we need you. We need our dads. We need that relationship, that love, that support, your wisdom. I’d rather have my dad get it wrong and be engaged than be disengaged. So, if that’s a good word for you today, for those dads, we wanted to encourage you: you may get it wrong, you probably will, but your daughters are forgiving…even in those awkward moments.”
I love how cleverly the language is here. Note how at the beginning of this segment, the DJ calls out for daughters to APOLOGIZE to their fathers for the sole purpose of EXISTING as a teenage girl and having the audacity to have hormones! The DJ cites how fathers are ultimately responsible and they SHOULD engage more. And why WOULDN’T this be the case when fathers are the ADULTS and girls growing up and going through adolescence are MINORS?
KLOVE: Why don’t you instruct FATHERS to APOLOGIZE to daughters?
No, instead, the KLOVE DJ refers to how “daughters are forgiving…even in those awkward moments.” Wonderful, so now daughters: you must APOLOGIZE to fathers, but you must also FORGIVE fathers for disengaging even if they do not apologize since the DJ gave no instructions to fathers to apologize.
Emily Shore"Daughters: Do not apologize to your fathers (Fathers, do better--and calling out KLOVE)"
Somehow, again, girls, who are hormonal, confused, embarrassed, and often only 11 or 12, are to blame when dads pull away.
Now, I know this can be awkward for dads. I know dads don’t always know how to react when girls hit puberty (that’s why you all need our Whole Story puberty course!). But the problem is that girls, at that young age, now feel the responsiblity to fix the relationship, because they feel that they did something wrong. When dads pull away, even if it’s understandable, girls feel shame. And then girls feel like they have to fix it, which exacerbates the shame.
You're telling me WHAT goes WHERE?!Talking about sex with your kids doesn't always go smoothly.
That's why we created The Whole Story, our online course that walks parents through the tough conversations and does the hard parts for you!
Learn More! Let’s add a good dose of purity culture responsibility to the mix.Our friend Rachel Joy Welcher, author of Talking Back to Purity Culture, and guest on the Bare Marriage podcast, has just written a post for Christianity Today where she asks, “What’s next after the purity culture reckoning?” She writes:
Before You Meet Prince Charming by Sarah Mally depicts a woman’s heart as a chocolate cake. If someone eats a piece before the party (i.e., marriage), the cake, and consequently her relational worth, is no longer whole. In the introduction to Every Young Woman’s Battle, Stephen Arterburn warns female readers that every time a man has sex with a woman, he takes “a piece of her soul.”
Alongside these unbiblical messages about human worth that fly squarely in the face of the theology of the imago Dei were the false promises of marriage, great sex, and children for anyone who practiced premarital celibacy. But it was, perhaps, the overarching message that women were responsible for the sexual purity of both genders that burdened me the most as a teenager growing up in the church.
In their book, For Young Women Only, Shaunti Feldhahn and Lisa A. Rice report that “teenage guys are conflicted by their powerful physical urges” and “many guys don’t feel the ability or responsibility to stop the sexual progression.” Their conclusion for women? “Guys need your help to protect both of you.”
Despite Jesus’ words to the contrary, I remember believing that men truly couldn’t control their lust if women didn’t take on the responsibility of dressing and acting in ways that squelched it. These books made it clear to me that the responsibility for sexual sin and temptation—even assault—fell squarely on the shoulders of women. I couldn’t believe some of the lies I saw sandwiched in between Bible verses or the tactics that were used and the carrots that were dangled. I cringed. I cried. And one time, I threw a book across the room.
Rachel Joy WelcherWhat Comes After the Purity Culture Reckoning, Christianity Today
Once again, women are responsible–this time for men’s sin.
Women, do we realize how heavy the burden is that we’ve been asked to bear?Rachel comments in her article that when she went back and reread the books that she had read as a young woman, she was despondent at the messages that she had internalized.
From puberty, many of us have internalized that our bodies are somehow defective–they’re sources of sin and evil; they’re sources of shame; they make us emotional and “less than” men.
But we’ve also internalized that our bodies are inherently dangerous–they can cause men to lust, to sin, to even assault us. And we’re never quite sure what we should be doing to prevent it, but we know we should be doing something.
And many of us have lost the protection and acceptance that we should have felt from our fathers.
I guess what I’m trying to say to women today is: if you don’t feel particularly sexually confident, maybe it’s time to go back and revisit little 12-year-old you and give yourself a hug.You never should have been given those messages. There is nothing wrong with your body; you are fearfully and wonderfully made.
If men objectified your growing body, that was on them, not on you.
If your dad pulled away, that was on him, not on you.
If you were told that your normal cycles were something to be ashamed of, that was on them, not on you.
And men, I’d just ask you to realize the weight of what women have felt regarding our bodies.This is seriously tough to navigate. And if you want your wife to be free and confident in the bedroom, then it starts with not feeling ashamed of being a woman. Maybe God put you in her life to be a vehicle of healing for the terrible messages she’s been given over the course of her life.
Emily ends her article (which you should read in its entirety) saying that she knows men can do better because her husband is awesome.
I do believe that men are changing this conversation, too, and I hope that together, we can put a lot of this shame that’s been put on women’s bodies behind us.
Do you feel like you carry this weight? Did your dad pull away at puberty? How can we break this cycle? Let’s talk in the comments!
Other Posts in the Sexual Confidence Series:3 Markers of Sexual ConfidenceKnowing that Sex is for You TooHow to Feel Confident when You're Married to a Porn UserDid You Grow up Embarrassed to Be Female?How Sexual Confidence and Rebuilding Trust IntersectAccepting Your Sexuality as the Higher Drive WifeFeeling Sexually Confident as You Go Through MenopauseLet's Talk Vulvas! Feeling confident about your genitalsYou may also enjoy:The Orgasm CourseThe Great Sex Rescue
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts PODCAST: All About BreastsOct 14, 2021 | 74 Comments
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October 19, 2021
Yes, You Can Write a Sex Book That Can Help (Almost) Everybody
That’s how Debra Fileta, a licensed counselor and the co-author of the recent book Married Sex with Gary Thomas, begins a recent article where she defends the book.
We’ve talked a little bit about some of the problems with Married Sex on our podcast about junk science and last week’s podcast about breasts, but the book is being widely panned for objectifying women (saying God created breasts so women can reset the power imbalance in their marriages with a flash); being overly explicit, bordering on pornographic; putting the blame for sexual problems primarily on women; and so much more. You may remember this Fixed it for You from social media last week:
I don’t want to say too much more about the problems with the book in today’s post. Instead, what I want to talk about are the defences that Gary and Deb are using to defend the book. I find them troubling, but also quite typical of what often happens in the evangelical world when problematic teaching is called out.
This is the sort of thing we’ve been trying to help the evangelical world see ever since The Great Sex Rescue was published–books shouldn’t harm, and there shouldn’t be an excuse when they do. So I thought we could take today to dissect the excuses they’re giving, and teach all of us how to speak against this kind of logic and stand up against harmful books.
Quick Note, because I know I will get some people saying, “But did you go to them first?”
I actually don’t think that’s a legitimate argument when teaching is done in public. Public teaching must be corrected in public, as I have argued repeatedly, especially in this post on how Matthew 18 applies
But in this case, I actually did go to both Deb and Gary before the book was published, repeatedly, and raised some concerns. I also offered to help repeatedly with stats and research over the last two years, and they never took me up on it.
So let’s start with Deb’s primary assertion: “We wrote this book for healthy couples, not unhealthy ones.” Why is that no excuse?They’re acknowledging that the book harms some people.A book shouldn’t harm. I’ve written about this before, many times, but one of the big problems we have in evangelicalism is that many of our books do actual harm. We’re not talking about merely disagreeing with doctrine; our study of 20,000 women showed that believing certain teachings, and even being taught them, can result in worse marital and sexual satisfaction. And the teachings didn’t just harm women in abusive situations; they harmed women in healthy situations too.
Some books make things worse. And that should never, ever be the case, nor does it need to be (and for more on why, please see these posts):
Is it okay if a Christian book does a little bit of harm?PODCAST: The Thalidomide test for Christian booksHealthy couples are not the main consumers of marriage and sex advice.Who is it that is drawn to marriage and sex books? People who are having problems in the marriage and sex department! If everything is going along tickity boo, why would you need to read a book? You may anyway just before marriage, or you may read one for a small group study, but why would you invest that kind of time and money?
Most people reading marriage and sex books have questions or problems.
Most unhealthy couples don’t realize they’re unhealthy.If you talk to people who are now divorced after an abusive marriage, they will pretty much all tell you that for years they tried to fix the problem themselves. They blamed themselves for the bad dynamic in their marriage. They didn’t realize it was abuse!
Most people who are in toxic marriages do not realize their marriage is toxic.
So giving a caveat that “this advice is not meant for those in abusive marriages” does very little, because many who are being abused don’t know it.
It is perfectly acceptable to write a book that does not apply to everyone. If you write a book on managing a shoestring budget so one person can stay at home with the kids, that’s not going to apply to a wealthy retired couple, and that’s okay. But if that wealthy couple were to read the book, they would read it and clearly know “this isn’t for me.”
Debra is saying that this book is not for marriages where there is porn use. However, how is someone supposed to know that this book isn’t for them when in that very book they talk about porn users and they admit that 64% of their own research pool used porn?
(Besides that, in this particular case of Married Sex, the book gives multiple anecdotes of people in very unhealthy relationships, showing that they actually did intend the book for people in those situations, including porn users. I won’t go into the specifics here, but you can read this detailed Facebook comment that lists many of these issues).
“It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick.”Saying, “we’re only hear to minister to those who are already healthy” kind of invalidates the need for the book, doesn’t it? After all, Jesus HImself, in Mark 2:17, said that he didn’t come for the righteous, but for sinners. It is those who are unhealthy who especially need Him!
Now the secondary assertion: Even the Bible can harm!Debra says:
The truth is, even the words of Scripture — if taken out of context and applied to an unhealthy marriage situation end up causing more harm.
Debra FiletaA Book About Sex Isn't for Everyone
I don’t know about you, but this excuse really gets me. Are they comparing their book to Scripture? It’s just such a terrible way to handle Scripture, and seems very irreverent.
Yes, people can twist the Bible and make it harm. But that’s the point–they have to twist it! When you apply the Bible properly, it doesn’t harm people. It brings life.
The problem with this book is that you don’t have to twist it. When you take it at its face value it can harm, because the advice in many places is just wrong, often because the underlying premise is wrong.
Here’s just one example: they spend six paragraphs talking about how sexy it is to text nude photos to your husband, even saying that doing so can neurologically make him fixate on your nude body rather than seeking out pictures of other women’s nude bodies. But then it’s only in one sentence after all that that they acknowledge that if she’s uncomfortable you shouldn’t do it. So they showed all these fun, sexy women sending nude photos, but then said–oh, but if she’s not comfortable (if she’s not like these fun and sexy women), don’t. And they gave no warning about privacy issues.
Later in the book they again reiterate how fun this is to do. Now, I’m not against taking sexy photos (though I have major safety issue considerations). But it should never be done SO THAT he doesn’t get tempted to look elsewhere. And the language they use pressures women into doing it, rather than honoring women who may be uncomfortable for extremely legitimate reasons. (Revenge porn is a thing; privacy is a thing).
Their underlying premise is that the problem with sex is that women aren’t being sexy enough, and don’t understand men’s deep need. But when your underlying premise is skewed, the book will be faulty.
If your teaching is truth from Jesus, it should bind up the broken, not add to their wounds. Healthy teaching binds up the broken.That is what He came to do–to set the captives free! And He told us that a bad tree can’t bear good fruit, and a good tree can’t bear bad fruit. If your teaching bears bad fruit when it is read by those who need a doctor, then you are not doing the work of Jesus.
Please, people: Don’t use people twisting the words of our precious Saviour to justify you giving bad advice.
The final defence: We should read “charitably and carefully”Yesterday, Gary Thomas tried to respond to some of the outcry about his book by posting an encouraging email he received from a pastor who had been in their focus group for the book. The pastor explained how great the book was, but then at the end of his glowing review, he said this:
“This is a difficult topic to write about without triggering some passionate (and, at times, unfair) responses, which are easily platformed on social media and, ahem, Amazon reviews, but the reader who gives Gary and Debra a chance and reads their words carefully and charitably will be rewarded with a rich discussion of the common struggles and wondrous blessings of married sex.”
Read that last bit for a minute: As long as we read “carefully and charitably”, we’ll get something out of the book.
This puts the author in the position of the person deserving of care, rather than the reader. We need to give the author the benefit of the doubt.
But the author is the one the power in a reading situation! The author is telling the reader what to do, and the reader can’t respond. It is the reader that we should care for.
Additionally, an author’s job is to communicate. Many authors have defended themselves by simply saying, “well, I didn’t mean for it to be taken like that.” But if readers are the ones who need to carefully make sure they’re receiving the right message from what an author writes, then the author is asking the reader to do their job. The author’s job is to communicate clearly; if they don’t do that, it’s not the reader’s fault.
Jesus told us to care for the sheep, not to protect the reputations of all of the shepherds.
Gary Thomas has told me that his main problem with The Great Sex Rescue is how I treat other authors. I take them out of context and I’m overly harsh with them. I have asked him to have just as much compassion for the readers who, we found in our survey of 20,000, were harmed by their books, to no avail.
We know a sex book can be written for (almost) everybody, because we did it.We wrote The Great Sex Rescue to help couples reclaim the beauty of sex that God intended for them, that has largely been stolen by teachings (like some of the ones in Married Sex) prevalent in the evangelical world that warp sex. We thought that it would be primarily married women who would read it, because we thought singles wouldn’t be interested, and we’ve been told that evangelical men won’t read books written by women.
But we’ve been very surprised. Our book has been read and loved by married women, yes. But many of our Amazon reviews are by men. We’ve heard from pastors who are going through it with men’s groups. Divorced women have read it to find healing from what they experienced. Single women are reading it preparing for marriage. We’ve heard from many couples who are asking their young adult kids to read it to sort them out before they get in major relationships.
Health applies broadly, across the board.
And so I’d like to end with two messages from men about The Great Sex Rescue–and men are not even our target audience! One is an Amazon review; the other a Twitter thread (I’m not going to link it because I don’t know if he wants broad attention paid to this).
I’m a married man in my late 40’s and I’ve been married to my wife for nearly 25 years. We grew up as products of the Evangelical and purity subcultures. And what we “learned” about sex in that subculture is straight up garbage.
As I read this book I realized that I was guilty of some of the thoughts, feelings, and beliefs that the author rightly criticizes, especially when I was younger. The purity subculture taught me that, as a man, I was basically “owed” sex from my wife. And I bought into that lie. I would pout like a spoiled child if we went too long between sexual encounters. The purity culture never, ever taught me about female sexual fulfillment. It also never, ever discussed the HUGELY important concept of consent. Marital rape in this subculture isn’t a crime; it’s an oxymoron. It couldn’t possibly exist because the wife is to be available to the man for HIS fulfillment unless there is mutual agreement to abstain. Because, well, that’s “biblical.”
The authors very correctly attack the myth that male sexual sin is somehow traced back to a woman and her lack of availability to her husband. While those outside the subculture may think this sounds impossible those of us inside know that it’s at best implied and at worst actively taught. I have a friend who once told me that his wife would give him some sort of sexual fulfillment if he was going to have meetings with women the next day so that he wouldn’t be as tempted. The implication of course is that men are totally incapable of controlling their sexual desires and are somehow quite likely to act out on their desires with women they have absolutely no commitment or intimate relationship with if the one that they DO claim to share both commitment and intimacy do not fulfill them often enough. Are. You. Kidding. Me?
The purity subculture needs an overhaul. Some of the intentions are fantastic. However, the methods need to be reconsidered to put it mildly. I applaud the authors for having the boldness to try to rescue one of the greatest gifts to HUMANKIND.
Rob Bethmann"Should Be Required Reading for Men", Amazon Review for The Great Sex Rescue
When I read The Great Sex Rescue it described sex the way that my heart always knew that it was supposed to be but I could never formulate in my mind.
My wife and I are both child sexual abuse survivors and that part of our persons is pretty severely damaged. She hasn’t read it yet, but will as she finishes nursing school and has the time. I have relayed parts to her and tears welled up in her eyes when I told her that she could stop sex whenever she wanted. Even in the middle of the act. There were times that she would soldier through it when she was triggered and I just didn’t realize what was happening.
This book has brought us closer and has enabled me to return to her something that I didn’t know that I was taking but knew had been taken before we met. She walks with something new in her step now. For all of the discouragement that you may feel please know that you have helped to right the ship at our house. You are helping two wounded people that really didn’t have any other example to go by. You made a huge difference here.
Robert F.on Twitter, about The Great Sex Rescue
A Christ-Centred book will help people who are hurting.So Christian authors: when those who are hurting tell you that your book is harmful, why doesn’t that matter to you? Why do you insist on blaming the readers? On saying, “well, you’re just too unhealthy to benefit from our teaching.”
When did Jesus ever do that?
Why aren’t you heartbroken that people who are hurting are saying that your book is making things worse?
Why, instead, are you telling us that we should give you the benefit of the doubt?
It is time for the welfare of the reader to take precedence. It is time for the well-being of the sheep to matter more than the reputation of well-known authors.
Jesus came to seek and save that which was lost. If your book hurts those who are lost–then do something.
If you need your readers to read your book “charitably and carefully”, then there’s something fundamentally wrong with your book. If the people in your anecdotes should not be reading your book, there’s something fundamentally wrong with your book.
I know that’s hard to hear, but Jesus asks us to do the right thing–even when it’s hard.
Here’s hoping that more evangelical authors start listening to the sheep, rather than insisting that we should listen to them.
The Great Sex RescueChanging the conversation about sex & marriage in the evangelical church. What if you're NOT the problem with your sex life?What if the things that you've been taught have messed things up--and what if there's a way to escape these messages?
Welcome to the Great Sex Rescue. Order Now!
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts I Need Your Ideas for 2 Things! Menopause Parties and What to Do Before Giving BirthOct 13, 2021 | 45 Comments
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October 18, 2021
SEXUAL CONFIDENCE: How to Feel Confident When You’re Married to a Porn User
We’re in a sexual confidence series for October and November, where we’ve been talking about what sexual confidence looks like–and how to develop it.
I was going to talk about menopause today, and sexual confidence at different times in your life, but I keep getting emails this week asking the same question, so I thought we should tackle that first.
The question is similar to this woman who asked me on Instagram:
I’ve been married for seven years, and I found out two years ago that my husband has used porn the entire time and lied to me when we were engaged.
He says he’ll stop, but I can tell when he’s been using again. I’m afraid to ask him outright because I almost don’t want to know.
He rarely wants sex now, and if he does it takes forever for him to finish. I think I”m attractive. I keep myself well and other men look at me. But not my husband. My friends tell me I’m a shell of what I used to be. How can I develop confidence again?
Okay, the first thing I want to say is that the porn use has to be dealt with.She needs to be able to say that this is a deal breaker. He needs to be getting help; he needs to be owning the problem. I’d encourage you to read my post on 4 things to do if your husband watches porn. Read Michael John Cusick’s book Surfing for God, or Andrew J. Bauman’s book The Sexually Healthy Man. Search for Sarah McDugal or Leslie Vernick on Facebook, and follow their pages and interact on them. Seek help from a licensed therapist to work through betrayal trauma and learn how to set boundaries. This isn’t going to get better on its own.
In other words, this isn’t really a sexual confidence issue as much as it is a porn issue that needs to be addressed.
The Emotionally Destructive Marriage 
Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage 
Boundaries in Marriage But let’s assume that this has been addressed, and he is seeking help (or he’s not seeking help and you’re trying to figure out what to do). Then part of healing actually is developing confidence again, because confidence is simply realizing what you’re worth, and only allowing people to treat you in the way you deserve to be treated.
Now, I recognize that “allow” is a tricky word there, because it’s not your fault if your husband treats you badly. But I do mean that, if he does treat you in a way that you do not deserve to be treated, you start drawing boundaries and you start learning to respond so that it doesn’t impact you as much and so that it becomes less likely.
So let’s work through what that may look like:
Get help dealing with the betrayal you feelIf you are struggling, and you’re unable to draw boundaries, and you’re feeling despondent and desperate, and you’re afraid to know the truth, as this woman is, then you likely need help.
Many (even the majority) of spouses of porn addicts experience betrayal trauma, which is just like post traumatic stress disorder. Don’t minimize this or downplay this. If you need help, please get help from a licensed therapist who is trained in sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma recovery. This isn’t a couple’s issue that needs to be dealt with; this is something you need to work through so that you can breathe again, think clearly again, and smile again.
Now, I was going to write the rest of this post as action steps–things you need to realize. But that sounds too heavy. And if you’re in the midst of this, that’s too much to take in.
So instead, I’d like to write the rest of this post as just pronouncements over you. I just want to speak words of truth into your life.If you’re in counseling, you’ll hear these things. But I want you to hear them today, even if you can’t internalize them yet.
Your worth is not based on how others treat youYou deserved to be loved. When you married, and he vowed that you would be his only and always, he should have meant it. Instead, he lied to you. He betrayed you. He married you without telling you that there were many, many more. And he led a secret life. You could sense something was wrong, but you didn’t know what it was. And you felt crazy.
But that was not on you. That was something he did; not you.
You couldn’t have been expected to have seen the signs. You were in love! You believed what he told you. That’s okay. That doesn’t mean you’re stupid, or gullible, or naive. It just means you’re human, and you truly loved him, and you wanted a life with him.
That was a good thing to want.
That was a godly thing to want. God put inside of us the desire to be connected to another person.
But he, for many reasons, didn’t treat you as God wanted him to. This is a failure on his part, not on yours.
He is the one who torpedoed your relationship, not you. And you deserved those wedding vows to be upheld. You are right to be angry and grieving.
You are not to blame for his porn useHe would still have watched porn if you had bigger breasts. If you were skinnier; if you were prettier; if you were built differently, he would still have watched porn.
His porn use is not a reflection on your body or desirability; it is a reflection on his inner wounding and inner character. That’s all.
If you had been more adventurous, he would still have watched porn. You cannot compete with pornography, because it’s ultimately not about you. Porn users crave different–different bodies, different activities.
Porn and sex are actually polar opposites. Porn says, “I want to use you for my own gratification.” Sex says, “I want to know you deeply and experience something with you.” You cannot have enough sex to cure someone’s pornographic style of relating. They have to do that for themselves. This is not on you.
If your church or pastor or friends or family have told you that you could stop his porn use by having more sex, and that God has put you in his life to help him quit porn–that was spiritually abusive. That was them betraying you as well. I am sorry that you endured that. It was wrong.
Good Pictures, Bad Pictures 
Good Pictures, Bad Pictures Jr. 
Covenant Eyes Screen Accountability If you feel as if you hate sex, it could be because you’ve never had it.Sure, you may have technically had intercourse. But if you never felt intimate during sex, or if it always felt like his mind was elsewhere or that he was using you, it could be because he was. It could be because sex was never the “deep knowing” that it was supposed to be.
If he has been using porn his whole adult life and hidden that from you, and if he now has delayed ejaculation (more common for porn users), it could be that you’ve never had real sex.
You deserved real sex. He deprived you of that. You did not deprive him or “hot sex”; he deprived you of real sex. He stole something beautiful from you that he promised to experience with you.
Please realize that it is not sex you hate; it is being treated like an object to use that you hate–and you are right to feel that way. You are recoiling at being treated in a way you were never meant to be treated.
It’s okay to say, “I will no longer be an object.”I hope you can one day get to the point where you realize, deep in your bones, that you were not meant to be an object to use but a woman to love, as Leslie Vernick has said. I hope that you can walk forward in that, saying that from now on, he can treat you like a woman to love, or he doesn’t get to treat you any way at all.
It’s okay to get angry. It’s okay to grieve what you have lost. That period may take some time. But then, dear one, stand tall.
You are of infinite worth in Jesus’ eyes. You are a person who is precious, who is exciting, who has so much to offer. If he doesn’t see that, that is not a reflection on you, but a reflection on him.
For you, sexual confidence will look like refusing to be an object anymore.The only way to refuse that is to realize that you are worth more. So please hear these words today. Let them wash over you. You are not to blame. This was a terrible thing that was done to you. You deserved more. It’s okay to feel that something was taken from you.
But I hope one day you can walk forward knowing you are worth more. It may take some time with a counselor to truly feel it. But please know this is how God sees you. And I am so, so sorry that you have walked through this betrayal. Please know that on the other side there is freedom, hope, and, yes, confidence.
Have you ever been in this situation? How did it make you feel? Or can you give some words of encouragement to other people in this situation today? Let’s talk in the comments!
Other Posts in the Sexual Confidence Series:3 Markers of Sexual ConfidenceKnowing that Sex is for You TooHow to Feel Confident when You’re Married to a Porn UserAccepting Your Sexuality as the Higher Drive WifeFeeling Sexually Confident as You Go Through MenopauseLet’s Talk Vulvas! Feeling confident about your genitalsYou may also enjoy:The Orgasm CourseThe Great Sex Rescue
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts SEXUAL CONFIDENCE: Knowing that Sex is For You, TooOct 12, 2021 | 25 Comments
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