Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 19
November 12, 2021
The Round-Up: He’s a Dad, not a Babysitter
It’s our Friday round-up, where I share what’s been happening on social media this week–because often the big stuff in our community doesn’t happen on the blog!
(And the BEST stuff actually happens in our private Patreon group! People who give as little as $5 a month to support our research get access to a private group and unfiltered podcasts!)
But here’s what happened this week!
First, we have a new granddaughter.We introduced her on both Instagram and Facebook! She entered the world via Emergency c-section, and it was a little bit scary for a minute, but Vivian Louise is here. Her name means Lively Warrior, and during the C-section Rebecca, who was nervous and trying to keep calm, sang Come Thou Fount rather loudly, which everyone thought was funny and cool.
Everyone is doing well. She’s sleeping good stretches at night, and Rebecca’s finding this recovery easier than last time!
What do pastors need to include in premarital counseling?One of my big missions in life is to make the term “vaginismus” as well known as the term “erectile dysfunction.” So many women don’t get help because they don’t know sexual pain is treatable and isn’t something you just need to endure.
So I put a post up this week telling pastors what people need to know in premarital counseling!
Vaginismus is a serious problem affecting evangelical women especially. Here’s what pastors should make sure couples know:
1. Vaginismus affects just over 20% of evangelical women
2. We can reduce the risk by taking our time getting used to sex
3. We can reduce the risk by focusing on her arousal before we focus on intercourse
4. If it occurs anyway, there’s help through pelvic floor physiotherapists.
To elaborate: Vaginismus is a physiological condition where the muscles of the vaginal wall contract (tighten), making penetration painful if not impossible. It has psychological and/or physical roots, and conservative Christians suffer at twice the rate of the general population.
The bad news: Our survey of 20,000 women for our book The Great Sex Rescue found that roughly 22% of women experienced vaginismus, and 7% to the extent that intercourse was impossible.
The good news: If you prepare for marriage properly, you reduce the risk. And there is help!
A little discomfort at first intercourse is normal. A lot of pain is not. If pain lasts more than a week, or intercourse is just impossible, seek help.
There’s a difference between a stinging sensation when things stretch or the hymen breaks, and muscle pain.
The two biggest contributors to evangelical women’s increased risk of vaginismus are her feeling as if she doesn’t have a choice and must have sex; and having sex when she’s not aroused.
So tell couples: Don’t plan on intercourse on the wedding night. Don’t rush things. Relax.
Aim for: Comfort being naked together.Then arousal (getting comfortable being sexual).Then potentially orgasm through other routes. And THEN intercourse.If this takes a few days, or even a few weeks, that’s okay. You have a lifetime ahead of you! It’s better to do things in the right order than to rush through something when she’s not aroused and when she feels cornered, trapped, or obligated.
Vaginismus affects three times as many couples as erectile dysfunction, and can be even more devastating, but most don’t know the word.
Let’s empower couples. Teach them the word so they seek help from a pelvic floor physiotherapist and licensed counselor if it occurs. Don’t let couples suffer in silence anymore.
For more on what causes increased vaginismus rates among Christians, please see our book The Great Sex Rescue, with all our survey results!
Feel free to share so that other pastors see this!
When SHOULD advice be gendered?We talked on the podcast this week about how science was often misused to make it sound like men and women are completely different species. I don’t think talking in gendered terms is appropriate for a lot of things when it comes to sex, because we have overlapping bell curves. Yes, men tend to have higher libidos than women. But some women have higher libidos than some men! So let’s talk instead in terms of principles of navigating libido differences, instead of making it gendered.
But there are times when things SHOULD be gendered, simply because our bodies work differently. I talked about it in this Instagram live, which is kind of like a whole other podcast!
View this post on InstagramHere’s what I regret NOT doing in church…
Then a super quick video (or reel) I put up on Instagram about an incident I still regret. Maybe we can all decide to stand up, walk out, speak up, from now on? And not stay silent?
View this post on InstagramThe Great Sex RescueChanging the conversation about sex & marriage in the evangelical church.
What if you're NOT the problem with your sex life?What if the things that you've been taught have messed things up--and what if there's a way to escape these messages?
Welcome to the Great Sex Rescue. Order Now! Finally, I’ll end with a Fixed It For You!Here’s a new one that just went up last night.
He’s not a baby-sitter. He doesn’t help. He’s a dad. And the kids aren’t hers; they’re theirs. Language does matter!
See it on Facebook! That’s it for me this week! I spent a large part of the week doing the final-final line edits on The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex (coming out in March!) And now I’m heading out on a knitting retreat with my mom. It’s the first big social thing I’ve done since COVID, and I’m looking forward to it!
Let me know: how has your week been? Did you have any big revelations? Anything here spark something you want to discuss? Leave a comment and let’s talk!
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts Sexual Confidence Doesn’t Mean You’re Willing to Try Anything in BedNov 8, 2021 | 24 Comments
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The post The Round-Up: He’s a Dad, not a Babysitter appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
November 11, 2021
PODCAST: Finding Your Own Path as a Couple
Keith and I start with another look at how people can use science incorrectly, and then we tackle a question I get asked a lot: how do we handle marriage when one spouse is on the autism spectrum? Or when a spouse has ADD or another diagnosis?
Browse all the Different Podcasts
See the Last “Start Your Engines” (Men’s) Podcast
Or, as always, you can watch on YouTube:
Timeline of the Podcast
1:00 Do you have to have sex with your husband all the time to prevent prostate cancer?
8:40 But are men and women super different?
17:45 Interview with NeuroDiverse Christian Marriages Podcast hosts
24:30 What you need to know before marriage with a neurodivergent partner
28:50 Unique challenges in marriage
31:30 Expectations to readjust
43:00 Sex within neurodivegent marriages
1:00:00 Encouragement!
We dealt with this reader question:
What do you do when someone brings up Obligation Sex as a necessity for men’s health? There is an article (which is quoting a study from Harvard researchers) that was brought to my attention as the necessity for obligation sex…that men frequently
having sex is a necessity for men’s health. I was a bit taken aback and didn’t know how to respond. What are your thoughts?
Keith and I talked about the problems with using a scientific study in a way that it wasn’t originally intended–and also some important questions to ask about that study.
We then revisited the podcast that Connor and Rebecca did a while ago about the neuroscience around men’s and women’s brains, because Gary Thomas is pushing back, saying that he knows a neuroscientist who disagrees with the meta-analysis. We again look at how this isn’t a proper way to handle scientific research.
I’m in favour of more science and more research. But we also have to understand its uses, and we need to understand how to read it. I hope we can all get more educated in this, so that we stop using science to prove our own viewpoint, and start using it to inform what we believe.
The Neurodivergent Christian Marriage Hosts Join Us!Stephanie and Dan Holmes then joined the podcast to talk about neurodivergence and marriage. Dan is on the autism spectrum, and this causes unique challenges for marriage. Stephanie is a counselor who specializes in neurodivergent marriages, and she’s hoping to raise awareness so that others can do this work–since counseling that helps couples not on the spectrum needs to be adjusted for those who are on the spectrum.
I know I have had so many people write to me with issues, and Stephanie would be happy to address some of those things in future blog posts, so if you have specific questions, leave them in the comments!
We talked about the different types of neurodivergent marriages; how expectations can collide with reality; how to adjust communication; how sex can be affected; and more.
Rebecca and I also joined them on their podcast a while ago–you can listen in to that here!
Dan, a pastor, and Stephanie, an LPC, met through their youth group at their home church in Charlotte, NC. After dating and courtship, they married on December 17, 1994. If ever opposites have attracted, Dan and Stephanie have worked in their marriage to leverage these differences into complementary skillsets to complete each other through their weaknesses and celebrate each other’s strengths, and hope to help other NeuroDiverse couples and families do the same.
Dan and Stephanie have two adult children, and their journey into NeuroDiversity began with navigating the diagnosis of their children to include Asperger’s Syndrome, Anxiety, ADHD, Sensory Integration Issues, and Pervasive Developmental Disorders, NOS. Through this early marriage and parenting experience, they experienced challenges and trials which put a strain on their marriage and family.
Through the parenting journey, they discovered their own NeuroDiversity, and through faith and hard work navigate the ups and downs of NeuroDiverse marriage striving to bring glory to God in their marriage, modeling emotionally and spiritually healthy marriage, and equipping and training NeuroDiverse couples to be educated and equipped for a more effective and connected covenant marriage.
Dan and Stephanie founded the International Association of NeuroDiverse Christian Marriages, LLC to first and foremost bring hope, help, and possible healing to NeuroDiverse Christian Marriages. Their ministry also includes educating and equipping helping professionals, clinicians, and ministers into effective coaching and counseling strategies by first understanding and accepting the complexities of NeuroDiverse Christian Marriages.
Stephanie and Dan HolmesNeurodiverse Christian Marriages
Things Mentioned in This Podcast:Our Patreon! Support our research for as little as $5 a month and get access to a really active Facebook group, two unfiltered podcasts a month, live events, merch, and more!A special thank you to Femallay, a Christian women’s wellness company focusing on products that are woman friendly, including menstrual cups, cloth pads, vaginal melts, and more!Stephanie and Dan at the Neurodivergent Christian Marriage podcast, along with their coaching services and moreThe original podcast where we talked about pink and blue brains, and how to read scienceOur obligation sex podcast episode of Bare MarriageThe Great Sex Rescue! Based on our study of 20,000 women
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts Our Friday Round-Up: On the Need for Sex, A New Baby, and a New Release!Nov 5, 2021 | 14 Comments
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November 10, 2021
7 Questions to Ask to Vet Your Counselor
Sheila here!
I found Sarah Allman on Instagram, where we interacted about the vital importance of vetting counselors before you go to see one.
This is something I’d been talking about on the blog, and I asked her to write up some sample questions you can ask a counselor to see if they may be safe for you. I’m so glad she took up the challenge, and I hope you find these questions helpful!
A lot of Sarah’s questions have to do with abuse. Even if you are not in an abusive situation, I firmly believe these are important questions to ask when you vet a counselor. First, because many people are actually in an abusive marriages without realizing it. But second, if someone is safe when it comes to abuse, chances are they’re safe with other things as well. But if someone is not safe when it comes to abusive situations, chances are their counsel will not be wise in other situations either.
Abuse is a great litmus test.
So with that being said, here’s Sarah!
It’s unwise to assume that all counselors are safe and good.There’s a wide range of training, experience, and perspectives of people doing marriage counseling, and before you invest money, time, and become very vulnerable with someone, you have to make sure they’re safe and a good fit.
Sometimes people believe something very different than what they say they believe. This makes it very difficult when trying to find a counselor you can trust. So, how can you find a counselor that is actually going to be good for you and good for your marriage? The questions below will help you to get the big picture of what a counselor believes before you entrust them with your healing journey.
Learning how to interview counselors in a way that gives you an understanding of their views is important.Vetting for yourself is a necessary step in starting your healing journey with a counselor you trust.
We will discuss how to ask questions to get an idea of what the counselors actually believe. You will also get an example of what answers to look for and what answers are red flags. Many counselors offer free 10-15 minute phone consultations, and that’s a great time to ask these questions. Otherwise, you can tell the counselor that you have some questions you’d like to ask at the beginning of your first session.
Find a counselor by your location.
Sample Questions to Ask to Vet a Marriage CounselorCan you give me an example of a marital conflict that was caused by the husband and one that was caused by the wife?Can you give me an example of an inappropriate way for clients to behave in counseling?Is there a situation you would recommend individual counseling over marriage counseling?Can you sum up the marital issues you have seen in your practice?How would you know that counseling is working and not working?Do couples need to take responsibility for their actions and what if they don’t?Are you trauma-informed? What makes you trauma-informed?Now let’s go through these in turn to see what you should look for!
1. Can you give me an example of a marital conflict that was caused by the husband and one that was caused by the wife?Examples of marital conflict such as money, parenting, expectations, and other relationships outside of the marriage can show the counselors distinction between conflict and dysfunction. Conflict is a disagreement. Within a marriage, the conflict shows that both the husband and the wife have a strong and differing opinion, and it shows they both have autonomy. Dysfunction suggests that more is going on. Dysfunction can be a clue that there is unequal power in a marriage.
Good answer: An example that shows he/she believes husbands and wives should play an equal part in marriage. This could be a conflict around a wife wanting to save money and the husband wanting to spend. Or views on how weekends should be spent. If there is not a give and take, then over time one spouse may start to feel resentment towards the other.
Red Flag: Any answer that suggests big issues such as infidelity and abuse. The reason these are not the answer you’re looking for is because these are dysfunctions in a relationship and not conflict. Conflict takes two people to resolve. Dysfunction takes one person taking responsibility for their action and responsibility for their own growth. A good counselor will know the difference.
2. Can you give me an example of an inappropriate way for clients to behave in counseling and how would you deal with those behaviors?What is being addressed in this question is boundaries. This question allows you to open dialogue in a way that shows you if the counselor will set good boundaries in therapy sessions. If any sessions will take place with your spouse then this one is a must. A hard line with abusive or belittling behavior needs to be drawn. There is a difference between being honest and direct and being a bully. A good counselor will NOT allow one person to be bullied. Good boundaries allow for therapy to be held in a place that feels safe for both the husband and the wife. A good counselor will enforce healthy boundaries.
Good answer: There is no name-calling, belittling, or aggressive behavior. The session will end or the offending person will be asked to leave.
Red Flag: Counseling is a place to get everything out in the open, so as long as no one is physically aggressive in sessions then it is productive to allow people to say what they need to say.
3. Is there a situation you would recommend individual counseling or marriage counseling?This question is trying to find out if the counselor prioritizes safety over the marriage. Look for clues to see if the counselor is willing to advocate for the spouse that is in need of protection. An eagerness to bring the couple together for therapy sessions, without significant progress in individual counseling, is also something to watch out for.
Good answer: Anytime there has been abuse, individual counseling should be the first priority, even if the abuse was not related to the marriage. If a couple’s goal is to work towards marital counseling then individual counseling can help marital counseling be more successful. Counseling can be messy. Individual counseling before marital counseling can help sessions in marital counseling go smoother. Only after dedicating themselves to their own healing journey, should couples come together for marriage counseling.
Red Flag: To fix a marriage then the husband and the wife need to come together for progress to be made. So marriage counseling is where I would start with a couple I was counseling.
4. Can you sum up the marital issues you have seen in your practice and how they are remedied?With this question, you are looking for responsibility to be placed rightly on the husband and the wife. You will also get insight into how the counselor recognizes that the husband and the wife may be responsible in different ways. Any answer that appears to blame an emotional spouse, or suggest submitting more, is a red flag that this counselor is going to be dismissive of one spouse. A good counselor will help a married couple get to the root cause of the marital issues.
Good answer: Couples who come in who are dealing with marital problems, typically both desire to work on their marriage together. They often are dealing with hurts, disappointments, and distrust that can be worked through if they both take responsibility for their actions.
Red Flag: Couples who come in usually have one person who is really sensitive and the other who allows things to roll off of their backs better. Emotions can be a stressor in relationships.
5. Do couples need to take responsibility for their actions–and what do we do if they don’t?Each counselor will have their own way of doing things, but taking responsibility is important if progress is going to be made. You can only take responsibility for your own actions. Any counselor who asks you to take responsibility that you truly had no control over is not a healthy counselor. A wife cannot take responsibility for a husband’s actions, just as a husband cannot take responsibility for the wife’s actions. If certain steps are not being taken to improve, then healing is not going to happen.
Good answer: Yes, there should be responsibility taken. Without owning your actions, trust cannot be rebuilt and relationships cannot be healed. Working through one thing before moving on to the next is important for healing.
Red Flag: Well they should. I won’t dwell on it if they don’t, though. We will move on so we don’t waste time. Marital problems can be fixed with communication and understanding.
6. How would you know that counseling is working and not working?It is good to know how close of attention a counselor will pay to their clients. Healing is tricky and can sometimes be messy too. So when asking a counselor this question, be sure to look for how attentive they are. This is also something to be aware of when you are meeting with a counselor.
Good answer: Everyone is different so signs that therapy is or isn’t working will be different for everyone. I would look for the things they report back on how their days between sessions are going. Asking lots of questions can help me to know how they’re doing. If someone is regressing or not corresponding to treatment then that might be a sign things are not going as planned. Hearing how the patient handles relationships, and whether perceptions are healthier than before would be a sign therapy is working.
Red flag: Everyone’s journey is different. So we will just continue the session until the client feels they’re not in need anymore.
7. Are you trauma-informed? What makes you trauma-informed?Trauma-informed has almost become a buzzword. But what does it even mean? A counselor who is trauma-informed has taken extra training to better counsel people who have experienced traumatic life events. To be truly trauma-informed a counselor must complete this training that helps them to be more aware and careful when treating their patients with a history of trauma. A good counselor is always improving themselves and looking for new and more effective ways to serve their patients. If a counselor does not appear to be open to continuing to learn then this may be a clue that they are closed off in general. If you do have trauma, then going to a trauma-informed counselor is very important. Counseling has the potential to be damaging as much as it has the potential to be healing.
Good answer: I have taken training that specifically teaches counselors how to consider people’s trauma in therapy. My awareness and sensitivity ensure I will not re-traumatize people in therapy sessions.
Red Flag: I am familiar with trauma and how it affects people, but do not have extra training.
Choosing a counselor is not something to take lightly.Asking these questions can help you to get a good feel about what that counselor believes and how they handle certain situations. Asking yes and no questions are not as helpful because they’re difficult to build dialogue around. Calling several counselors in your area can help you to get comfortable with interviewing counselors. This is a job interview, you are the one that gets to decide if they are a good fit.
Because you are the one hiring the counselor, you can also fire them at any time and start over. Don’t be discouraged if you choose a counselor that ends up not being a good fit. As you make phone calls and attend therapy sessions, you will learn to know what to look for.
What if therapy doesn’t work though? Questions around Christians and divorce may be something you wrestle with for a while. I wrote this post to help you if this is a part of your journey:
Bonus Tip:
Seek God FirstAn important thing to remember when seeking any person for help or healing is to seek God first. Proverbs 16:9 says, “A man plans his ways but the Lord establishes his steps.”
Seek God first, He will guide you. Through Him, you will have the discernment you need to make decisions that can be tricky.
What do you think? Are there questions you would add? I’m thinking of creating a downloadable bonus of questions to ask you can take with you to the counselor–so add any questions you think would be helpful!
Sarah Allman Sarah Allman is a domestic violence survivor and advocate. Making it through many years of verbal, emotional, sexual, financial, and spiritual abuse, she learned that God was the only safe place to hide her heart. During her long journey, from an island in Hawaii back to the plains of Colorado, she realized that that was the easy part. Her blog serves women who have been in abusive relationships to support them and help them sift through the confusion and pain that comes along with healing. Now living a quieter and more peaceful life, she enjoys farming with her new husband and raising their children, cows, goats, and sheep together. Find her on her blog, where she talks about abuse in marriage, or on Instagram!
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November 9, 2021
Next Steps after Reading The Great Sex Rescue
But where do you go from here?
Sheila here!
Today Dr. Camden Morgante, a clinical psychologist and good friend, is joining us to suggest next steps after reading The Great Sex Rescue. I know I said that I wasn’t going to run posts on Tuesday anymore, but I have a quick two-post mini-series about counseling that I thought I’d run today and tomorrow.
Dr. Camden was actually on the podcast the week that the book launched talking about how much she enjoyed it, and I thought that, as we’re talking in our series about building confidence, I’d ask her to share her professional expertise in where to get more help if you have more work to do and you want to thrive.
So here’s Dr. Camden!
What came up for you when reading The Great Sex Rescue?Validation? Anger? Hurt?
Hope and a desire for healing?
Reading The Great Sex Rescue may have brought up many painful emotions for you as you recognized yourself in some of the case studies or identified with several of the toxic teachings. Self-help in the form of reading other healthy, research-based books, listening to podcasts, and online courses can be a great first step to working through your beliefs and sexual issues.
What are some next steps you can take for to find a path forward?
In The Great Sex Rescue, Sheila, Rebecca, and Joanna helpfully uncover the lies we have been taught by popular evangelical marriage and sex books over the years. For my therapy clients who read The Great Sex Rescue, they often recognize how toxic these teachings were for the first time. That can unearth some problems that had been hiding below the surface in their marriage or sex life.
Here are some of the common problems I see arising from toxic teachings about sexuality:Shame.I call shame “the universal experience of purity culture.” Perhaps you experience shame because your married sex life hasn’t been as great as you’d been promised. Maybe you or your spouse struggle with shame over your sexual pasts. Or you may feel shame because you are single and struggle with sexual urges and desires. As The Great Sex Rescue taught us, the teachings in many Christian books perpetuate this shame.
Sexual pain.Sheila has written extensively about vaginismus and its correlation with the “obligation sex” message and other harmful teachings. If you experience sexual pain, you may have just chosen to “grin and bear it” for years. But now that you’ve learned that it is not normal (although common) and does not have to be endured, you can seek help for it.
Sexual trauma.If you have experienced sexual abuse or trauma in your past, popular books, pastors, and other Christians may have made you feel like you are damaged goods. Please know that you are valuable and beloved by God regardless of what was done to you in the past. You can experience healing from your trauma and a sense of peace in your sexuality.
Low desire or pleasure.It’s not hard to see how a lack of focus on women’s pleasure and insufficient sex education have led many Christian couples to an unsatisfying sex life. Low desire or difficulty reaching orgasm can have a variety of contributors. Read on to see some options for treatment in the next section.
Relationship issues.You may realize that your sexual intimacy is one-sided and become resentful of your spouse. Or you may have difficulty communicating about sex since you weren’t allowed to talk about it growing up. I am not surprised when relationship issues like these start to surface for a couple after they begin working on their sex life.
Disillusionment in your faith.“Deconstruction” has become a popular and debated buzz term on social media, but essentially it means examining your beliefs and separating what is truth from what is cultural or man-made. The Great Sex Rescue is a deconstruction book—the entire purpose of the book is helping us take apart toxic teachings about marriage and sex and “rescue and reframe” those with healthy, biblical, and research-supported truth. This can lead to some confusion, doubt, and disillusionment in our faith as we try to sift through what was lie and what was truth.
The Great Sex RescueChanging the conversation about sex & marriage in the evangelical church. What if you're NOT the problem with your sex life?What if the things that you've been taught have messed things up--and what if there's a way to escape these messages?
Welcome to the Great Sex Rescue. Order Now! Finding the Path Forward from toxic teachings about sexualityIf you identify with some of the common problems I described above, there are several options for getting help. Please know that improving intimacy is rarely a quick and one-size-fits-all process. You may need to pursue several options before finding the best fit.
Here are some of the options I recommend to my clients:
Medical interventionsWhenever there is a sexual issue, it’s always good to first rule out any physical causes with a visit to your primary care provider, gynecologist, or urologist. Issues of sexual pain, low sex drive, or erectile difficulties can have both physiological and psychological causes. Often treating the physical causes is simpler, so talking with your medical provider is a good first step. They may refer you to pelvic floor physical therapist for issues of sexual pain; prescribe or make modifications to your medication; or refer you to a mental health therapist as a next step.
TherapyI strongly recommend you see a licensed mental health professional for any of the above sexual issues. While a pastoral or biblical counselor may be able to pray with you and share biblical guidance about sexuality, they are not trained in treating sexual disorders, sexual trauma, or even complex relationship issues. I often hear from my therapy clients that seeing a biblical counselor did more harm than good.
Options for licensed professionals: A licensed mental health professional has at least a Masters degree and several years of counseling experience. Find someone trained in couples therapy, trauma, or sex therapy depending on your presenting concern. The degree (Masters or Doctorate) or license type (licensed counselor, social worker, psychologist, etc.) of the professional is often not as important as their specialization. It is important to note that licensing laws typically only allow clinicians to practice in their home state, so your options can be geographically limited.
Therapy can take as few as 8 to 10 sessions or last several years depending on the history and severity of your problem. You may want to find a therapist who takes your insurance, but also don’t be afraid to see someone who is “out of network” or “self-pay only”. While you may pay more out of pocket, this can be worth it in the long run because you can select someone who is highly trained and specialized in sexual issues and who is not restricted or limited by insurance.
You can find a therapist by asking your medical provider or friends for a referral, seeing if your work has an Employee Assistance Program (EAP) that covers a few sessions, or check with your insurance if you wish to use this as payment. Therapist databases like Psychology Today will allow you to search for all different types of mental health professionals in your area by specialty.
CoachingCoaching is a professional relationship that offers the convenience of online help without the licensing restrictions of being in the same state as the professional. Coaching is unregulated—meaning anyone and everyone can call themselves a “coach”—so you’ll want to look for someone with credibility and an established record of speaking to the issues you face. Coaching may not be appropriate for those with a complex trauma history, untreated mental illness, or suicidal thoughts, so check with your coach or consider coaching in addition to licensed therapy. After years of writing and speaking about the effects of purity culture and sexuality, I received email after email from couples and women wanting to see me for therapy. I had to turn down so many people because they are outside of my home state, and I didn’t know anyone in their state to refer them to. By offering coaching for purity culture recovery, relationships, and faith, I can reach people in any state who want my help. You have a lot of choices for coaching, so I recommend you look for a coach who specializes in your issues and whose values and mission align with your goals.
Recognizing how many toxic beliefs you had been taught and the lasting effects can lead to painful feelings, but there is hope. Working with a medical professional, licensed mental health professional, and/or a competent coach can help you get the treatment you need. You can learn the strategies, tools, and resources for resolving your problems.
Let’s build on the groundwork of Sheila, Rebecca, and Joanna by taking the next steps toward healing.
What have you done to continue the work of The Great Sex Rescue? Did you seek out counseling? Do more journaling? See a professional? Purge your bookshelf? Let’s talk in the comments!
Camden Morgante Dr. Camden Morgante is a licensed clinical psychologist who writes and speaks about Christianity, sexuality, and gender equality. She offers online Coaching services for purity culture recovery, egalitarianism, and faith reconstruction. She is currently writing a book on the myths of purity culture. Camden lives in Knoxville, TN with her husband and their daughter. Take Dr. Camden's free quiz, Which Purity Culture Myth Affects You?. You can find Camden on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter. FacebookTwitter Related Posts Can We Have a More Balanced Conversation about Oral Sex? Nov 3, 2021 | 39 Comments
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November 8, 2021
Sexual Confidence Doesn’t Mean You’re Willing to Try Anything in Bed
I think they’re related, but only tangentially, and I think the fact that we equate them is part of the problem.
In October and November we’re talking about sexual confidence. We’ve looked at what it means to be a sexually confident woman and a sexually confident man. We’ve looked at sexual confidence at menopause; when you’re married to a porn user; or just when you’re embarrassed at being female. And more are listed in the box below this post!
But I want to go back to first principles today and talk about what sexual confidence and adventurousness have to do with each other. And to do that, we need to remember what sex is supposed to be about.
Biblically, sex is intimate, mutual, and pleasurable for both.Or, to put it in the terms that we’re using in the upcoming Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex, and that I’ve used in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, it should be emotionally, spiritually, AND physically intimate.
In other words, it’s not just a physical experience.
But what often happens with sex is that we develop a very depersonalized and dehumanizing view of it–almost a pornographic style of relating (as Andrew Bauman says). We see sex as pretty much entirely about experiencing something physically, rather than experiencing more of each other. And then, if we want it to be more intense, the only thing we can do is to push physical boundaries and try more and more things.
I’m not saying that being adventurous is bad; but sometimes the way we go about it ends up causing rifts between us rather than causing us to grow together. It’s like we’re using each other for a sexual high, rather than having the deep pull for connection fuel that sexual high and that desire to be adventurous.
When you’re merely using each other for pleasure, then sex becomes depersonalized.
When you’re connecting in every way, then sex becomes an expression of who you are together.
What I’ve been trying to explain for years is that it’s emotional vulnerability that actually fuels passion.When you feel like you’re truly known, and like you truly know your spouse, then there’s this drive to consume each other, to devour each other, in the best sense of the word. It’s why the “hottest” sex often happens after a fight or after a huge loss. You’ve been so vulnerable with each other that you feel this drive to connect in every way that’s possible, and that becomes expressed sexually.
When we focus on becoming adventurous, we’re often putting the cart before the horse.You can force adventurousness (I mean you can pressure yourself into it; if you ever feel pressured or coerced by your spouse, that is not okay. That is sexual abuse, and please seek help through a domestic violence hotline or a licensed counselor).
But you can tell yourselves, “we’re going to try X because X is supposed to be fun”, or “we should be trying new things and Y is something that people like so we should try Y.” And you may even find that you like X and Y. But often one person, or both, will end up feeling empty afterwards if that’s the way that it grows. If you’re looking at trying new things, and you do it because you’re supposed to or because you just want to try the act, then it can feel, well, off somehow.
But if instead you’re feeling really close to each other, you may often be so relaxed that you naturally try new things–not that you have to. But when you feel close, you’re both more likely to be satisfied with the sexual things you do enjoy, and more likely to have your guard down to try other things.
The key to healthy adventure is not confidence per se but safety and trust.Trying new things requires vulnerability. You feel awkward. You’re not sure you’re going to do it right. What if he (or she) really likes it and you don’t? Are you able to speak up and say, “No, not for me?” What if you like it too much and they don’t? Or even, what if it hurts?
To try new things, you need to know that your spouse isn’t going to critique you and tell you you’re doing it wrong. They’re not going to insist on it again if you say, “Nope, I don’t like that.”
They’re going to honor you. And when you have a relationship like that, where a spouse can accept a no, but also not feel like when you’re trying something you’re being judged, then it’s much easier to try new things!
When you don’t have a relationship like that, then it can feel like you’re play-acting. And that’s not intimate at all. That’s depersonalizing. And that’s when sex can get ugly.
Sexual confidence is about being confident in who you are; sexual adventurousness is more feeling safe with who you are together.Both things have to go in tandem. So it may be that a supremely confident woman, who feels safe in her marriage and loves her husband, may truly enjoy sex, and may be making her way to being regularly orgasmic, but she still may not like her nipples touched. It just does nothing for her. And because she’s confident, and because she feels safe, she feels able to tell him so that they concentrate on what does work for her.
And a confident woman who feels safe may also want to try a variety of positions to find out what feels good. She may be able to put caution to the wind, in a way, because she’s not worried if she’s doing this right or if she looks silly or if her fat is jiggling, and she’s able to just enjoy being with her husband and seeing what they can feel together.
She still has preferences, and even no-go things, and she’s able to express those, but she’s also able to try new things.
Does your marriage need some spicing up–and some fun?
Try these 24 dares–plus one bonus–to take your marriage to the next level!
Let's add some heat! What bothers me is that sexual confidence often seems equated with having no inhibitions.I think this is one thing that bothered me reading Married Sex by Gary Thomas and Deb Fileta. They were praising women who threw off inhibitions–who would text nude photos; get Brazilian waxes; try multiple positions and give oral sex. They knew that their bodies enthralled their husbands so they held nothing back. They had sex outside in the garden at night; they slept naked. They had sex several times a day. So many, many anecdotes and examples praising women who were completely sexually available and ravenous.
But sexual confidence does not mean getting rid of proper modesty (there are very good, practical, safe reasons for not wanting to text nude photos, and no one should ever feel like the person texting the nude photos is more confident than the woman who says no). There are good reasons for not wanting to sleep naked. There are good reasons for not wanting to have sex with the windows open or out in the garden at night (much depends on where you live!).
I think we’ve developed a cheap shortcut to sexual confidence in an attempt to make it sound like Christians don’t have shame about sex anymore. But it’s not a question of whether or not we have shame about sex; it’s a question of how confident you feel in yourself (which means confidence in being able to express preferences), and the trust and safety you feel in your relationship. And it’s that realization that true passion doesn’t stem from the specific act, but instead from the amount of safety and trust you share.
I’m all for trying new things. But there’s a reason that in our book 31 Days to Great Sex the adventurous stuff comes AFTER you build emotional connection. There’s a reason that in The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex and The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex we answer the questions of what we think is permissible in a Christian marriage NOT in the physical intimacy section of the books, but in the spiritual intimacy sections of the books. The issue is not a physical high; the issue is feeling safe and secure and building intimacy, rather than detracting from intimacy.
I’m all for adventurousness–as long as it is an expression of intimacy flowing from safety and security, and not a shortcut or pseudo-intimacy. And I hope the dichotomy makes sense!
Do we emphasize adventurousness too much? Do you think I’ve found the right balance here with sexual confidence? Let’s talk in the comments!
Other Posts in the Sexual Confidence Series:3 Markers of Sexual Confidence (especially in women)4 Markers of a Sexually Confident ManKnowing that Sex is for You TooHow to Feel Confident when You're Married to a Porn UserDid You Grow up Embarrassed to Be Female?5 Keys to Sexual Confidence after Menopause4 Keys to Sexual Confidence as the Higher Drive WifeSexual Confidence Doesn't Mean You're Willing to Try Anything in BedLet's Talk Vulvas! Feeling confident about your genitalsYou may also enjoy:The Orgasm CourseThe Great Sex Rescue
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts So Things Are A Changing! A Bit of a PivotNov 2, 2021 | 35 Comments
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November 5, 2021
Our Friday Round-Up: On the Need for Sex, A New Baby, and a New Release!
The biggest, hugest, most amaing thing that happened this week was that Rebecca had her baby yesterday! It was a little more harrowing than we would have liked, but her recovery will still be easier than last time. And little Vivian is perfect and lovely and eating like a champ. She looks exactly like her big brother (like it’s almost freaky), and her parents are having a blast with her, while Keith and I and my mom manage Alex.
I’ll post pictures once Rebecca decides which ones should be out there! But we’re very happy, if a little bit tired.
Instagram: Do Men Really Need Sex while Women Just Give It?My “fixed it for you”s always go big on Instagram and Facebook, and here’s one of the latest instalments, taken from XO Marriage’s article The Four Major Needs of a Man (which has many other potential things I could fix).
XO Marriage runs marriage conferences and blogs and podcasts, but among their board members and speakers is Mark Driscoll. I don’t think we should ever be platforming Driscoll after the spiritual abuse he perpetuated and the way he treated women. His teaching on sex has been problematic, to say the least, and I believe it needs to be more widely known what this organization stands for.
Plus this quote is just awful!
It was my largest social media post this week on both Instagram and Facebook, and, as always, the comments are informative!
Take a look at the Instagram post! Guess What You All Made the #1 New Release?Sometimes something happens that just makes my week, and makes me break down and cry. And this was one of those things.
On Tuesday I was browsing Amazon and saw that The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex, and The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, were available for pre-order. They launch March 15.
So I posted it to Facebook, and to my Instagram stories. At the time, the books were ranked around 1,800,000 on Amazon (which is bad).
By the next morning, The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex had rocketed up to 4,600 (which is amazing), and was the #1 New Release in Marriage, Christian Marriage, and Men’s Christian Living. We were just blown away. So many shared our post, and you’re all so excited about it, and I’m just very humbled.
The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex has been COMPLETELY rewritten, with more emphasis on orgasm, a new way of talking about libido differences, and less of a gendered take on everything. And The Good Guy’s Guide was written with Keith, and I seriously love it. Just love it.
As I said in the Facebook post, when you pre-order:
You get guaranteed the lowest price. (Amazon lowers the price if lots of people order, and you don’t pay until it launches. So you get the lowest price)You lower the price! The more people pre-order, the more Amazon reduces the price, and the more people will buy.You help it rise in rankings so other people see itYou convince Amazon to buy more copies!Plus people who pre-order will be able to join the launch team and get an early copy (more about this in the new year!).
Now, it’s come down since then, because everybody ordered on Tuesday, but that was just thrilling to see. So thank you! And you can pre-order right here (and you may be able to at other retailers as well):
See The Good Guy's Guide See the new Good Girl's Guide The Great Sex RescueChanging the conversation about sex & marriage in the evangelical church. What if you're NOT the problem with your sex life?What if the things that you've been taught have messed things up--and what if there's a way to escape these messages?
Welcome to the Great Sex Rescue. Order Now! How I’m Keeping Track of My Mood: Plus What’s Happening on CampusesSo I’ve started a new daily ritual. I’ve noticed that sometimes, at the end of the day, I’m feeling down for no apparent reason. And I also have noticed that I rush so hard to get through all my DMs and emails and comments that I often don’t process what I’m reading–especially the good stuff. The bad stuff tends to stay with me longer.
So I’ve started keeping track of four things:
Encouraging personal messages that say how something I wrote changed someone for the betterEncouraging messages about changes in the wider Christian world due to our workDiscouraging stories that I hear about in messages (like people in crisis that are just plain sad)Discouraging and negative interactions in email or commentsAnd then at the end of the day I can say, “Oh, that’s why I’m so bummed!” But I can also see, “Oh, that’s what I have to be happy about!”
So I’ve been keeping track all week, and one thread that we kept seeing is that so many university professors are choosing to use The Great Sex Rescue in their human sexuality courses and counseling classes. I’ve heard about five different university classes this week, including one that completely transformed their curriculum for a course that’s starting next semester. Last year the course used Love & Respect and Every Man’s Battle. This year they’re using The Great Sex Rescue and some of Diane Langberg’s work on church trauma and Andrew Bauman and more. So excited!
And today I woke up to an email from a woman who petitioned to have Love & Respect removed from the resources available at her workplace (I won’t say more than that). But she spoke up, and they listened because they hadn’t known what was in the book. So that’s so encouraging! Things are changing!
Finally, an interesting write up about the difference between Married Sex and The Great Sex RescueThis one’s super long, so I thought I’d leave it until the end. But here’s an interesting review that was left for the book Married Sex this week. He makes a point that I’d like to make on a podcast soon, maybe with Keith. When people talk about gender essentialism (Men are like this; women are like this), especially when it comes to libido, it leaves a lot of people out. Even if it’s MOSTLY one way, we know that in roughly 1/5 marriages, she has the higher sex drive. In another roughly 1/5, it’s shared. It’s only just less than 3/5 that the guy has the higher sex drive.
So what’s the point in talking about how insatiable men’s sexual needs are, in such a way that women will never understand? That makes many who don’t fit the bill feel like they’re strange or not normal or wrong. Why not just simply talk about PRINCIPLES–how to navigate libido differences, whichever way it goes? Wouldn’t that be better?
Anyway, here’s part of his review:
As a husband whose marriage does not fit the usual stereotype (I am very happily married to a wonderful woman with a stronger sexual desire and higher libido), I am disappointed that a renowned author and thinker like Gary Thomas would simply continue down the well-tread path of other Christian sex books, rather than offer biblical and practical insights to help improve sex in marriage for ALL couples, rather than simply dismissing us as “exceptions” or sometimes, even as just “rumors”.
On page 63, “Married Sex” states – “So by God’s design, the husband’s generally stronger desire (we know there are exceptions) moves him to be sexually intimate with his wife, which requires him to be relationally and even spiritually intimate, so that the couple’s passion is renewed, strengthened, and focused and the husband’s view of his wife’s beauty above all others is confirmed and even enhanced. It’s a brilliant process designed by a master Creator who truly knew what he was doing – strong sexual hormones in the male brain can strengthen the entire marital relationship when both husband and wife are faithful, generous, and active.” Gary Thomas certainly has a way with words, and at first read, what he says doesn’t sound too far off base – except he doesn’t give any biblical explanation for God designing the husband to have stronger sexual desire. There are no Scripture verses referenced here to support his assertion that the husband’s “generally stronger desire” is in fact, by God’s design. In fact, as far as I know, there is no biblical text indicating or even implying that men’s sexual desire or libido is stronger (or more frequent) than women’s. Gary even seems to acknowledge that “there are exceptions” – but doesn’t say anything beyond that. Even if we give him the benefit of doubt and accept that God designed men to have stronger sexual desire than women, Gary ties this stronger sexual desire to the husband being relationally and spiritually intimate – where does this leave the man who is the “exception”, and is married to a woman who has a stronger sexual desire? Does this mean that this man can’t be “relationally and spiritually intimate”? And that their marriage is doomed, as it is outside of God’s design? And conversely, does this mean that the only reason that a husband strives to be relationally and spiritually intimate with his wife is so that he can have sex?
Why do we as a Christian culture believe the narrative that “all men think and want is sex, and men can’t control themselves” and that it is women’s duty to “not deprive their man (to help him stay faithful), and oh, try to enjoy it while you’re at it as well”? This is not a Biblical narrative, and has no Scriptural foundation. In fact, Scripture is clear that both the husband and wife in a marriage should not deprive one another – “Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control” (1 Corinthians 7:5, NIV). This verse actually indicates that both husband and wife have sexual desire for each other, and in no way indicates that the husband’s desire is stronger (or should be stronger) than his wife’s. While it recognizes the real temptation of lacking self-control, it also does not attribute this to just the man, or just the woman, but to both – again, recognizing both male and female sexual desire. In another counter to our “traditional” Christian thinking that women don’t desire sex, look at Song of Songs, chapter 1, where the woman opens the entire book with the words: “And the woman consented to the king out of compassion, and did not deprive him of her love”. Oh wait – it doesn’t say that at all! Here’s what it really says: “Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth—for your love is more delightful than wine” (SS 1:2) and “Take me away with you—let us hurry! Let the king bring me into his chambers” (SS 1:4). The entire book opens with an expression of the woman’s desire, depicted beautifully, with urgency and passion!
….
Proverbs 20:22 says “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it” (ESV). This Scripture is typically interpreted in the positive light, exhorting us to raise our children in God-honoring ways, so that our children will follow the Lord as they grow into adulthood and beyond. However, what if we made the mistake of training our children wrongly, specifically as it relates to sex? Many couples are reaping the consequences of this poor instruction, and it is a difficult path to change. Shelia Gregoire’s “The Great Sex Rescue” describes this situation well. Our Christian culture has raised up a generation of believers with bad sexual theology, by absurdly embracing the secular idea that men can’t control their sexual urges, and then placing the burden on women to keep men from sinning, which results in women thinking of their own sexual desires as sinful and dangerous, and something to be repressed. After marriage though, we suddenly expect women to “flip the switch” and give their husbands all the sex they want, even though the woman has been trained to think of her own sexual desires and sexuality as dangerous all her life. And how sexy and fun is sex for the woman when she HAS to have it, to keep her husband from sinning, vs. sex that she GETS to have, for both her own enjoyment and her husband’s, together? No wonder many wives struggle to enjoy and want sex! Perhaps the slim majority of women having lesser sexual desire in marriage is a RESULT of our bad teaching (survey results in The Great Sex Rescue, page 134), rather than God’s design! And, do we ever teach men that they actually CAN control themselves? Or are we helping men justify and rationalize their sin?
…
For a more holistic and Biblical view on sex and marriage, one that recognizes both the current brokenness that a lot of Christian marriages find themselves in, and also the true root cause of it, I would recommend Sheila Gregoire’s “The Great Sex Rescue” – not because it has all the answers that “Married Sex” doesn’t address, or that it’s going to solve all of your sex problems in marriage, but because it offers an honest assessment of where Christians find ourselves today when it comes to sex and marriage, and is one of the first and only attempts (that I know of) to truly address the disease that we are suffering from, instead of just prescribing a more palatable painkiller. “The Great Sex Rescue” is really the start of what will need to be a long conversation and journey for Christians to find their way back to what TRUE “married sex” should be.
"Shopper"It was a long review, but Joanna and Rebecca and I really appreciated it!
So those are my highlights from the week. I also had an Instagram Reel that went big but I’m going to leave it there because I’m going to go look after my grandson now!
Have a great weekend! (And for those of you signed up for my weekly emails, today’s will likely be delayed until Monday, since Rebecca and Connor are the ones who put it together! New baby and all!).
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts SEXUAL CONFIDENCE: 4 Tips for Building Sexual Confidence as the Higher Drive WifeNov 1, 2021 | 18 Comments
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November 4, 2021
PODCAST: Do Authors Secretly Fear Women Just Don’t Like Sex?
It’s time for another edition of the Bare Marriage podcast! (And we filmed this before Rebecca gave birth; she’s being induced as we speak, so that’s exciting!).
In this one Rebecca and I are looking at a simple question: Is there an underlying fear in Christian culture that unless women are told they have to have sex that they won’t have sex?
We start with a great reader question that launches us into the discussion, and then counselor Amie Latta joins me to talk about navigating sexual addiction in marriage.
So let’s go!
Browse all the Different Podcasts
See the Last “Start Your Engines” (Men’s) Podcast
Or, as always, you can watch on YouTube:
Timeline of the Podcast1:45 Gift sex vs Obligation sex
8:20 The Obligation Sex message
19:00 Will women stop having sex?
33:45 Why are more people not noticing these flaws?
44:45 RQ: Infrequent sex, and past porn use
49:20 A discussion on Porn Use
58:30 Encouragement
A woman asks this really insightful question:
I’m trying to wrap my head around this and what keeps coming to mind is: How is this different than making dinner when you don’t want to? (Or any other chore). I know there IS a difference, but I need someone to point out to me what so I can understand fully. Or listening to your child tell you about minecraft when you don’t really want to, but do because you want to grow the relationship. In other words, what’s the difference between having sex when you don’t want to (which is not good) and serving others by gifting them your time (which IS good). (If I’m even making sense)
Rebecca and I delve into why there is a difference–but also why we should be giving. It’s a nuanced thing to talk about!
Main Segment: Are we afraid that women aren’t sexual?We took a look at how, in the book Married Sex, the authors say that while sex shouldn’t be an obligation, you are obligated. And how sex should feel like a sacrifice, at least some of the time.
And we asked: Why is it that people are so reticent to let go of the obligation sex message, when we know from our survey of 20,000 women how toxic it is? (Read all about that in chapters 8 and 9 of The Great Sex Rescue!).
We have a theory: We think it’s because they judge frequency as the main success outcome, rather than anything else. And they forget that frequency is not the problem–it’s a symptom of other problems (as our survey definitively showed, which is why I’ve started changing how I talk about libido differences as well!).
We also looked at how Shaunti Feldhahn’s survey actually found even more women with the higher libido than ours did, but she still completely excluded them from her book because she said that men didn’t believe it. (So she didn’t allow women to be narrators of their own stories).
What would happen if we simply believed that women were sexual, too, and started talking about sex that way? And started asking, “if we know women are sexual, but we also know many women have trouble with desire, then what have we done to decrease women’s desire?” Isn’t that a better question?
PLUS: Why haven’t pastors recognized that this idea that women don’t want sex is off?Our survey found that 1/5 couples have her with the higher sex drive. Yet these books do well because pastors tend to recommend them. Where are the pastors who would say, “this doesn’t apply to us or this sounds off?”
Rebecca has a theory that we’d love your feedback on. Is there something about the demands of pastoring in today’s culture something that is just emotionally harmful for the couple? It kills her sex drive; it makes him feel exhausted; and it’s not life-giving. Are we demanding too much from our pastors?
That’s just an aside, but it occurred to us while discussing this.
Reader Question 2: How can we handle an infrequent sex life now, when porn has been part of our story?Amie Latta, a licensed counselor, joined me to discuss this complicated reader question–which shows the messy situations so many of us get into!
Amie Latta is a registered psychotherapist in Ontario who specializes in sex therapy. She helps women struggling with pain and discomfort during sex go from feeling frustrated with their bodies to feeling more connected with who they are.
She’s also an avid knitter and spinner–and loves hand-dyed yarns as much as Sheila does!
Contact Amie at her website for information on coaching sessions online.
Things Mentioned in This Podcast:Our Patreon! Please join for as little as $5 a month and get access to our private (and very active!) Facebook group; our unfiltered podcast; merchandise; free books, and more! It supports Joanna’s and Rebecca’s time in getting our research into peer-reviewed journals and expanding to new social media outletsFemallay! We love what they’re doing to help women experience more pleasure and more comfort in our own bodies. Please check them out.The Great Sex Rescue! Plus The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex is ready for pre-order! And so is the totally revamped Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex! Amie Latta’s counseling and coaching practiceOur podcast where we talked about neuroscience research
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts Are You Feeling too Schlubby to Want to Have Sex?Oct 29, 2021 | 21 Comments
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November 3, 2021
Can We Have a More Balanced Conversation about Oral Sex?
In that now infamous Edinburgh sermon that went viral, for instance, Mark Driscoll talked about how a woman should “repent” of not being a proper wife by denying her husband oral sex, and she should get on his knees and service him. (It was seriously gross and spiritually abusive. They played the clip on the Mars Hill podcast.)
As awful as that was, though, it’s pretty typical of how we frame oral sex. Oral sex tends to be seen as something that she usually gives to him. And the big message is that she should get over any hangups she has an embrace this, because he really, really wants it.
Now, personally, I think if it’s something you both want, absolutely go for it!I think oral sex can be a fun addition to our sex lives–as long as we’re understanding these things when it comes to giving men oral sex:
Caveats for Women Being Asked to Give Oral SexIf she truly doesn’t want to do it, she should not feel pressured into it. You’re allowed to have preferences.If she’d rather start this way, but have him finish another way–that should be totally okay too.Many women are especially triggered by oral sex because of past trauma or abuse or porn. That needs to be understood, and not framed as something she needs to just “get over.”Many women have super sensitive gag reflexes or jaw problems that may make this simply very uncomfortable. That should matter. She should not be required to be uncomfortable so that he can get something extra.To take it one step farther, if you look at the differences between how men and women experience giving oral sex, it’s clear that it’s actually more of an “ask” of women than it is of men–even though we usually are pressuring women to do it rather than men to do it.
One of the things that I often critique is the notion of gender essentialism--that men are always one way and women are always another way. We know that’s not true when it comes to libido (some women can have a higher libido), being visually stimulated (many women are as well), being tempted by porn or using porn, liking foreplay, being emotional, and more. Many authors, though, still rely on unscientific research to make it sound like men and women are completely different.
And yet, isn’t it interesting that when there genuinely is a gender difference based on the ways our bodies are made, people tend to ignore it and treat oral sex like it’s the same whoever is giving it (as Gary Thomas and Deb Fileta did in a recent podcast).
Let’s look at these differences between men and women when it comes to oral sex:When Women Give Oral Sex: It can be physically uncomfortable and cause pain due to the gag reflex and jaw issues It can trigger aversion when a man climaxes through this method, since women will have to deal with ejaculate It is a common trigger due to trauma based on abuse, assault, or porn It is not necessary for his pleasure, since he can reach orgasm in other ways When Men Give Oral Sex: It is minimally physically uncomfortable (there may be some discomfort from how you’re positioned while giving it) Her climaxing in this way does not usually produce ejaculate (though some women do) It is only in rare cases a trigger for past abuse or trauma It may be the most likely, or even the only, way that she can reach orgasm
And it’s that last bit I want to concentrate on:
Oral sex is far less “extra” for women than it is for menIn our survey of 20,000 women that formed the foundation for The Great Sex Rescue, and our follow-up one of men, we found an orgasm gap of roughly 47 points. About 95% of men almost always or always reach orgasm in a sexual encounter, compared with just 48% of women.
And when women do reach orgasm, they are far more likely to do so through other routes than intercourse.
It is not that women cannot reach orgasm through intercourse (and we’ve got lots of tips for how to do that in our orgasm course!); it’s just that it’s often easier for women to reach orgasm through oral sex or manual stimulation.
This isn’t merely a preference–like she’d like oral sex over intercourse sometimes. This is actually a matter of “this works for me but that really doesn’t.”
So when we’re comparing men’s desires for oral sex and women’s desires for oral sex, we’re often comparing apples to oranges.
For men, oral sex is a preference. For women, oral sex is often the most reliable way she can reach orgasm.Why, then, when we talk about oral sex do we mostly frame it around pressuring her to give it to him, rather than explaining that this may be a good way to help bridge the orgasm gap?
I think it comes down to several factors:
Men are often more in tune to what they want sexually, and feel more entitled to get itMen are seen as having sexual needs that are insatiable, while women’s needs are downplayedWomen can be very self-conscious about receiving oral sexWe talked at length about the first two elements in The Great Sex Rescue (and I’ve talked a ton about them in this blog too!).
But I want to focus on that last one today: women can often be self-conscious about receiving oral sex.Women often really don’t like their genitals. We worry that they’re smelly. There’s too much hair. They look funny. It’s hard to find the clitoris (Hint: It’s really not). We worry it’s unsanitary, especially with discharge.
But men have hair too! Men can be smelly and unsanitary. Men have way more discharge when it comes to oral sex than we do. And yet we often think of these things as women’s issues rather than men’s issues.
and again–these are preference issues. Giving oral sex to a man can actually cause jaw issues or the physical gag reflex. Giving oral sex to a woman does not cause any kind of physical discomfort (except maybe your legs or arms cramp up depending on how you’re positioning yourself?)
The only discomfort may be a psychological one–and it’s a psychological one that women have giving too! As women, though, we are often more willing to endure physical discomfort than we are willing to ask someone else to endure anything that may be off-putting.
Ladies, your genitals were beautifully and wonderfully made.I’m going to talk more about what science is learning about the clitoris in a later blog post this month, but there is nothing ugly about your genitals. Yes, they’re usually hidden, and so we’re not used to seeing them. It’s not “normal.” But it’s okay to ask your husband to get used to your genitals, and it’s okay to become more comfortable with them yourself.
And you were never meant to smell like flowers! And usually, when you wash with water frequently, the smell is actually quite normal and earthy, nothing unpleasant. And you can keep shaved or clipped (or even waxed if you’d prefer) around your labia if you think it would make oral sex more pleasant and easier. (especially to find the clitoris!). If you don’t, there is no hair on the clitoris or the inner lips. He can simply part you with his hands and go to town.
Want to make it even more fun?Check out Femallay’s vaginal melts!I talked about these in a post last week, the women’s wellness company Femallay makes amazing vaginal suppositories from the richest botanicals that help moisturize and promote elasticity in the vagina, keeping you all healthy.
They make sex more comfortable–and even more fun!
Check out Femallay's Vaginal Melts And they’ve available in so many flavours–blueberry; wild cherry; pineapple; peach; strawberry; chocolate; and more! Or you can get completely unscented/unflavoured if you’d prefer. They even have hemp ones that may help with cramps, too!
If we want sex to be mutual, intimate, and pleasurable for both–then that should change how we talk about oral sex.Sex can’t be intimate if you’re pressuring a woman to do something that she feels is degrading or triggering. Sometimes the act itself is not the problem, but the reason that he wants it is. If he’s got a pornographic style of relating, and just wants to make things “hotter” and use her as an object, then she is right to resist that.
And sex can’t be mutual if it’s something that makes her very physically uncomfortable so that he can have sex.
Finally, sex should be pleasurable for both. We shouldn’t even be talking about her giving him oral sex until we’ve figured out how to make sure that she reaches orgasm reliably.
Her being able to reach orgasm in any way is far more important than him getting to reach orgasm in a particular way.
So I’m all for having more fun in the bedroom and spicing things up and learning new ways to please and tease each other. But when it comes to oral sex, I think the conversation has been very lopsided. It’s time to put it back in the right balance–and I hope this is closer to that balance.
What do you think? Is there enough emphasis on her pleasure? How can we talk about this with the right balance? Let’s talk in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts PODCAST: How to Be Sex Positive Without Being CreepyOct 28, 2021 | 29 Comments
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November 2, 2021
So Things Are A Changing! A Bit of a Pivot
I take breaks for Christmas and other holidays (sometimes), but on the whole I’m writing almost everyday!
And I love it. I really do. I have so much on my mind, and so many of your comments inspire new thoughts that I want to share. When I gave up my weekly newspaper column a few years ago it was really difficult, because I loved having that outlet for the things running through my mind. But I had to concentrate more on the blog because the blog was growing.
Well, now my social media is growing.My engagement on Instagram and Facebook has been amazing lately, and I know that Generation Z women and Millennial women (and men) are far more involved on social media than they are on blogs. They often like consuming “micro-content”, or small bits of content, which isn’t a bad thing. But they won’t necessarily subscribe to a blog.
And I’ve been getting so many new readers and new followers, especially on Instagram, over the last year.
FollowFollowFollowBut I’m finding that preparing social media content is way down my priority list. Right now I spend about 30% of my working hours on blog content. Then I have book writing and editing and interviews, and social media is what I do if I have some time at the end of the day.
And often I don’t have any time.
What I’d like to do is create more space for social media, and reach a new audience.So I’ve decided that I’m going to stop posting on Tuesdays (more or less), and turn Friday’s post into a social media roundup (like “the best of” from the week). Then on Mondays I’ll post from whatever series we’re doing, and Wednesday will either be something from the series as well or just something important I want to talk about. And Thursdays, as always, will be the podcast.
In short:
New Blogging Schedule:Monday: The Monthly Series!Tuesday; Off (Please check out Instagram or Facebook instead!) (although I may still post if the mood strikes and I’m passionate about somethingWednesday: My Passion Post (either about the series or something else that’s pressing)Thursday: PodcastFriday: “The Best Of” RoundUpMy team and my family (and many of you) have been encouraging me to do this for a few years now, but I resisted because I always have all of these things that I’d like to write about, and I have an endless list of blog post ideas.
But I’m going to take a lot of those ideas and create long Facebook or Instagram posts (or Twitter threads) instead.
I’d just like to be more present where people actually hang out. And with the baby coming any day now, it seemed like a good time to make the change!
Remember that you can subscribe to our weekly round-ups, or even our individual blog posts.Get them by email so you don’t miss anything!
Oh, and more exciting news…So a little birdie (well, really my daughter Katie who does the podcast editing and uploading) has told me that we could easily pass 1,000,000 downloads of the podcast by the end of the year.
I’ll be talking more about this later, but that’s another reason I’d like more breathing room. My podcasts are listened to by about 4 times as many people who read a blog post. So I’d like to make sure I’m putting enough brain power into planning them!
And if you can start subscribing and downloading past episodes and listening, then that will help us get to 1,000,000 even more quickly!
What should I do when I get to 1,000,000? Any ideas? Any particular guests you’d like to see on the podcast? What should be our celebration podcast? Or any particular giveaways you’d like? Let me know, because I’d love to figure out something awesome!
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts Does Your Vagina Need a Little TLC?Oct 27, 2021 | 7 Comments
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November 1, 2021
SEXUAL CONFIDENCE: 4 Tips for Building Sexual Confidence as the Higher Drive Wife
It can be very difficult to be a husband married to a woman who doesn’t want sex, but at least that’s culturally expected.
As a woman, we grow up hearing how men are sex-obsessed and won’t be able to keep their hands off of us once we marry. If your husband ends up keeping his hands off of you quite easily, the rejection can be even more profound, because no one expects or understands it. In fact, your friends may say they envy you–“I wish my husband would leave me alone sometimes.”
We’re talking about sexual confidence in October and November, and I wanted to devote a post to feeling confident as a woman even if your husband doesn’t want sex very much.
Basically, sexual confidence is part of emotional health.As I talked about in the very first post of the sexual confidence series, a lot of sexual confidence is accepting where you are right now, and not blaming yourself for things you can no longer change (or which were not your fault in the first place). It’s understanding that you don’t need to be perfect to enjoy yourself.
It is, really, emotional health.
And a large part of emotional health is understanding what is in your control and what is not, and not taking responsibility or blame for things that are not in your control, while owning the things that are in your control.
Here’s a reader question that recently came into the blog from a higher drive wife:
My husband enjoys sex but he doesn’t seem to want it as much as me, and I can sense that he is uncomfortable with branching out and trying new things. As a result, we have infrequent sex about once every 2 weeks that has become very predictable (as in, we pretty much do the same kind of foreplay that mostly includes a lot of kissing and only do missionary every time). This is problematic for many reasons, not least of which is that we are wanting to have a baby. Obviously we need to have sex for that to happen, but I feel like once or twice during my “fertile window” won’t cut it (keep in mind that I am the one usually pushing for even that much).
He has said to me that he feels like I “bother” him about having more sex, which makes it feel like an obligation, and we all know how un-sexy that is. He has also said that it makes him feel like he’s not good enough, which I think is probably the real issue, but I don’t know how to approach it.
My question is this: How do I advocate for my own need for sex without turning it into an obligation for him? How do I encourage him to try new things with me with foreplay and positions without pushing him?
I think there are some red flag issues here since he’s not even interested in sex when they want to conceive, and this does seem like an intimacy/control issue that does need to be talked about with a counselor.
But just using this topic as a jumping off point, and keeping in mind some of those elements of emotional health, let’s see how this plays out in the sex arena when you’re the one who wants sex and he doesn’t.
A sexually confident woman recognizes what she has to offer.We’re taught that the point of being a woman is be desirable. We want someone else to find us desirable. That’s what being a woman is!
Indeed, if you look at ads aimed at women vs. ads aimed at men, in the ads aimed at men, the person is usually looking directly into the camera. In ads aimed at women, the woman is often looking off to the side (not always, but far more often than with men). Why is that? Because the point of the ad aimed at women is to help a woman imagine herself as that person. She’s not looking at you; you’re being her, being watched. Being assessed.
We think of feminity and worth as other people watching us and liking what they see.
That’s just a perfect storm for lots of confidence issues and problems (and is another reason I wish we’d redefine biblical womanhood so it’s not about being wanted).
Sexual confidence, though, is really very similar to confidence in general. It’s enjoying life with gusto. It’s being passionate about life in general. And you know that you are a special, exciting person.
This takes channeling some of your feelings of passion into other things. Volunteer at church. Take up a hobby you love. Start making TikTok videos to change the world! It doesn’t matter what it is. But find life in other areas of your life as well.
When the only place that you really feel alive is in sex, then you will always feel rejected or “less than” if he doesn’t want it as much. But when you turn yourself onto all of life, when you seek out God’s calling on you and get excited about the things that God gets excited about, then sexual rejection will less be a rejection of you but rather a rejection of passion.
A sexually confident woman recognizes the difference between a problem and a preference–and honors preferences.I’ve talked about this before (and I talked about it in an Instagram Live I did on Friday about this reader question), but researchers have found that in general more sex = higher marital satisfaction. The impact of having more sex, though, starts to decline the more sex you have (the law of diminishing returns, for you economics lovers). And once you get to having sex everyday (or even multiple times a day), often marital satisfaction is negatively impacted.
But what researchers have found, and what we found too, is that the magic number seems to be once a week. When people have sex at least once a week, marriages tend to do pretty well. It’s not that they don’t do better with multiple times a week (they do), but the amount of marital satisfaction that is added by adding one extra sex session a week is significantly less than the jump to once a week.
So I like to think of once a week as my problem/preference delineation.
If you want to have sex four times a week, and he’s happy with once a week, that’s a preference issue, and you need to honor each other and compromise. If he wants to just do the missionary position and you want a whole lot of other things–again, that’s a preference, and you honor preferences.
If he’d rather have sex once every two weeks or once a month, though, that’s a problem and a signal that something else is going on that really does need to be dealt with–as it is with this couple.
We do need to honor preferences (and we should expect our spouse to honor our preferences too, and you can talk about this). But when things fall into the problem category AND it’s not a super busy time at work or you don’t have a newborn or you’re not in the middle of grief or something, then that is something that is likely best dealt with by seeing a medical professional or a licensed counselor (or ensuring no porn is involved).
One more thought about compromising: it can feel incredibly unfair and like you’re frustrated all the time to settle for once a week when you want more. But if he’s enjoying the once a week, then part of marriage is also learning how to honor your husband. I know that’s tough–but believe me, it’s the same advice that we give to men with the higher libidos too!
This balance is played out in the next two points:
A sexually confident woman recognizes that the sexual relationship encompasses far more than the bedroom, and puts emphasis on other parts of the relationship as well.When you’re sexually frustrated, it’s easy to feel that as a profound rejection by your spouse, and to feel anger and resentment that will flood over into other parts of the relationship.
But a confident woman recognizes that her sex drive is a part of her, but is not her. She can still make choices how she will respond. And she puts emphasis on other parts of the relationship, even when it’s difficult. She tries to encourage her husband. She tries to spend time with him doing things that they both will enjoy. She tries to do low-stress things with him that will lower the tension level of the relationship and bring more laughter in. She knows that even if sex isn’t as frequent as she would like, she can still feel emotionally and spiritually connected with her husband in other ways, and she realizes that those are also important parts of her to nurture.
A sexually confident woman addresses things that need to be addressed, because she knows that sex is not a petty need but an important part of the relationship.At the same time, when sex becomes very infrequent, she knows that this goes beyond a preference into a problem that is hurting both her and her husband. She knows that this does need to be addressed, because sex is an important part both of the relationship but also of who both of us are.
When men especially run away from sex (when there are not medical issues or porn issues or stress issues involved), there is often a fear of vulnerability. They may try to keep themselves walled off emotionally in some way, because vulnerability and passion are threatening. This is something that needs to be addressed for his own sake, not just because of her sexual frustration. It’s holding him back from enjoying all of life, and likely keeping him from real emotional growth.
When you see a man who rarely wants to do anything other than a very precise order of particular foreplay–one position, that could also be a clue that vulnerability is scary.
It’s okay to say, “this is a serious issue. There is something wrong that we need to deal with, and I would like to see us grow–not just in the bedroom.” And if he just won’t budge, then see a licensed counselor yourself so you can find your voice and learn to draw boundaries!
The biggest problem when you’re the higher drive person is how to advocate for more sex and intimacy in marriage.You don’t want to do so in a shaming way that will push your spouse away.
It’s all too easy to do so out of anger and rejection–which will also push your spouse away.
That’s why a big part of sexual confidence is owning your own feelings around sex and not projecting them onto your spouse (“You’re making me so frustrated/you’re depriving me/ you’re making me miserable”). Instead, when you approach your spouse to talk about it, the purpose is to grow your relationship and to do what is best for your spouse. You are iron sharpening iron, not just someone who wants to get their desires met.
And that also means realizing that focusing on other parts of your relationship can grow you emotionally too! See this as a time of emotional growth for yourself, but also a chance for you to discern how to help your marriage grow too.
Not out of anger. Not out of resentment. Not out of frustration.
But out of love and a genuine desire to see the best for both of you!
The Great Sex RescueChanging the conversation about sex & marriage in the evangelical church. What if you're NOT the problem with your sex life?What if the things that you've been taught have messed things up--and what if there's a way to escape these messages?
Welcome to the Great Sex Rescue. Order Now!
What do you think? Do you find the rejection and frustration just too difficult to deal with? How do you get your husband to talk about these issues? Let’s talk in the comments!
Other Posts in the Sexual Confidence Series:3 Markers of Sexual Confidence (especially in women)4 Markers of a Sexually Confident ManKnowing that Sex is for You TooHow to Feel Confident when You're Married to a Porn UserDid You Grow up Embarrassed to Be Female?5 Keys to Sexual Confidence after Menopause4 Keys to Sexual Confidence as the Higher Drive WifeLet's Talk Vulvas! Feeling confident about your genitalsYou may also enjoy:The Orgasm CourseThe Great Sex Rescue
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts 5 Keys to Sexual Confidence After MenopauseOct 26, 2021 | 15 Comments
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