Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 18
November 29, 2021
You Matter: Is the Pendulum Swinging Too Hard Towards Women?
For the last two months we’ve been talking about sexual confidence–what it is; what it’s not; how to feel confident if you’re embarrassed by your body; and so much more.
I would sum what I’ve been trying to say into three things:
It’s okay to still be learningAccept yourself and where you’re atYou matterIf you have all three of those mindsets, you’re likely quite sexually confident. It’s not about being able to do sexual gymnastics or even orgasm every time; it’s about not berating and blaming yourself but instead accepting that you’re important and you matter, and moving ahead with that.
I want to concentrate on that last one today–you matter. A number of things have happened in the last week that I’d like to respond to, and it makes a great wrap-up for the series. So this may be more of a “Sheila sharing” post than a “3 points you need to know” post, but I think you’ll track with me!
I got thinking about some of the arguments that have been railed against me this month as I’ve tried to argue for true confidence, and I think it comes down to this:
One of the big reasons women especially aren’t confident is that the female point of view is often seen as threatening.I’ve said this before but I’ll say it again: The opposite of patriarchy (where men are preferred) is matriarchy, not equality. Equality is already the middle.
All we’re arguing on this blog is that, for true intimacy to occur, both of you need to matter.
The point of sex is true intimacy in every way.That’s how God designed it–physical, spiritual and emotional intimacy, all wrapped up in one (that’s the basis for The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex and the revamped Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, coming in March!). Intimacy is about truly “knowing” each other in every way. But if one person’s needs are prioritized over another’s, then you don’t “know” each other, because one person isn’t allowed to really share. If one person’s needs don’t matter, then they are erased. It’s not real intimacy at all.
Intimacy requires equality.
And that’s the way that God designed it. He wants women to feel great in the bedroom (that’s why we’re capable of multiple orgasms and we have a clitoris!). He wants sex to unite us (that’s why we have oxytocin, the bonding hormone, that releases in huge quantities at orgasm). Sex is meant to bond us together.
That’s why sex can’t be about one person getting their needs met at the expense of another. Then it’s a using, a taking, rather than a knowing and a joining.
And what we found in our survey of 20,000 women is that one of the biggest roadblocks to women enjoying sex is believing that they don’t really matter–that sex is mostly about meeting his needs. When women are told to have sex under threat (because he can’t manage to go more than 72 hours without ejaculation; because otherwise he’ll watch porn; because he may be tempted to lust); then sex is no longer a knowing.
It’s an erasing of a person. And remember our characteristics of confidence? Accepting yourself and recognizing that you matter are two huge markers of that. The sad truth is that most evangelical sex and marriage books work directly against that (and then we wonder why women are insecure sexually!).
When we ask for women’s needs to be considered, that is not “swinging the pendulum too far.”There is no better example of how egregiously the evangelical world looks at women’s needs than our books’ responses to the postpartum period. As we talked about on last week’s podcast about postpartum sexual favors, the only advice we could find about the postpartum period in our evangelical best-sellers was that the main concern should be that she realizes she needs to give him hand jobs, because he can’t be expected to wait. And, in the case of Gary Thomas’ book Married Sex, she shouldn’t just give him hand jobs; she should also be aroused doing so.
During one of the most difficult physical times in a woman’s life, she is told that his needs for ejaculation exceed her needs for healing. I sometimes wonder if the authors who write this understand how much what they’re saying will make women resent sex. And then they have to lecture women even harder on how they need to have sex with their husbands more, which just makes the resentment and “ick” factor worse. And it’s all a vicious cycle.
But if we talked about this in a healthy way to begin with, there’s no reason to think that women will resent sex.
Because, you see, women don’t resent sex. Women resent being used.
Incidentally, this is one of the big reasons why I’m so thrilled that Femallay is a sponsor of this blog–and one reason why I just love their vaginal melts. When you need a little extra help with lubrication while you’re postpartum, new to sex, going through menopause, or just experiencing hormonal ups and downs, yes, you can buy a lubricant at the drug store. That lubricant will make sex easier.
But it doesn’t actually do anything for her.
Yes, it’s great to be able to have sex. But it doesn’t address the underying issues. Femallay’s melts actually nourish the vagina so that it reduces discomfort overall, and makes you more elastic, more moisturized, just healthier. It isn’t just about making sure they still have sex; it’s about making sure that she feels better and is nourished while they still have sex! Do you see the difference? It’s saying that women matter, too.
Let me see the melts! What else does Femallay have? Pointing out that women have been terribly hurt by current marriage advice is not “misandry.”I have one guy who emails me almost daily telling me that it’s imperative that I address the very real concerns that I am becoming misandrous. (We have since blocked him; he can continue to write emails if he wants, but nobody will read them). I had many of those comments last week. But think about what they’re saying: they’re implying that if you say that women should be given time to heal rather than that men should be given postpartum hand jobs, we’re insulting men.
No. We’re simply standing up for decency and dignity. That is not misandrous.
I loved what Keith said in the last minute of the podcast last week, and this is call that we all need to heed:
Pointing out that men are more than capable of being generous and considerate, and have the Holy Spirit as much as women do, and are not made to naturally sin, is not “misandry.”It is simply calling men to what the Bible calls men to–to be decent human beings who love their neighbors as themselves. This isn’t me saying this; this is Jesus.
Jesus would never look at a bleeding, exhausted woman who is trying to figure out how to feed her baby and literally sustain her baby’s life, and say, “the biggest need right now is for your husband to ejaculate.” Can anyone picture Jesus doing that? But that is what our evangelical best-sellers have done. And so it feels normal. And so, when we ask people to come back to the Bible, it feels somehow “off”, because we’ve actually trained ourselves to ignore biblical injunctions when it comes to sex in marriage. We’ve trained ourselves to expect the emphasis to be about men’s needs, rather than about shared needs.
When we are used to men being prioritized, equality feels like men are being erased.They’re not. They’re simply not given priority anymore. We’re asking for intimacy rather than hierarchy.
When you prefer hierarchy, intimacy feels threatening.
That’s why people are so upset about The Great Sex Rescue. It’s not because we’re prioritizing women (we’re not). We’re simply asking for men’s needs not to be prioritized.
If women don’t feel like we matter, then there is no way that we can ever be sexually confident. There is no way that we will ever embrace our sexuality or feel true freedom in the bedroom, because sex will always feel threatening.
You know, one of these best-selling authors emailed me a few months ago, critiquing The Great Sex Rescue and said to me:
Your work has unleashed an anger and even a fury that concerns me–and Sheila, it’s not working.
Well, yesterday I received this Instagram message from a woman who had been struggling with vaginismus, and who had been doing some hard work with dilators to try to lessen the pain. She said:
Well, I started reading your book a couple weeks ago when a married lady sent it directly to me because I had shared my struggle with vaginismus. As I read the book, things started to click! We had a true Thanksgiving miracle two days ago-my husband could actually enter me without the pain being awful and he could ejaculate inside of me. I was so happy to finally see progress-it gave me hope that maybe we could actually conceive naturally! THANK YOU for your work. God is healing me bit by bit and you have been a huge part of that process.
(Again, I always recommend that women with vaginismus see a pelvic floor physiotherapist, but one of the things that we’ll be sharing at the American Physiotherapist Convention in February is that letting go of toxic beliefs can also be a huge part of the healing journey).
It looks to me like this woman thinks it’s working.
And we had some great news from our publisher last night! Our sales have been great, and we’re now on our fifth printing. Please keep spreading the word about The Great Sex Rescue, because I think it is setting women free!
And they’re not being set free because now they get to be in charge, or only they matter. No, they’re being set free because they’re learning they matter, too.
The Great Sex RescueChanging the conversation about sex & marriage in the evangelical church.
What if you're NOT the problem with your sex life?What if the things that you've been taught have messed things up--and what if there's a way to escape these messages?
Welcome to the Great Sex Rescue. Order Now! When I say that women need to matter, I’m also not saying that men are the cause of all the problems.In fact, the big thesis from The Great Sex Rescue is that in many marriages the problem is not the husband and it’s not the wife; it’s the teachings that we’ve internalized. It’s our culture. Reject those teachings, and suddenly sex works so much better!
And that’s often the problem with sexual confidence, too. What we believe is holding us back. That’s what I’m fighting against. Not men. Just teachings that tell women, “you don’t matter.”
When one group of people has been told they matter more than another group of people, there will always be pushback if people try to correct the imbalance.That does not mean the pushback is correct.
And I am so encouraged by what I am seeing and hearing on the ground. That author likely still thinks what I’m doing isn’t working. He can keep thinking that.
But I’m going to keep saying that women matter, too. Not more than men; but they matter as well. Because that is what intimacy is.
I’ve experienced that kind of intimacy, and I can’t imagine going through my marriage, and my life, without knowing what it is. Once you’ve experienced it, you never want to go back.
So, everyone reading this, male and female, you matter. Now, in the benediction from Beth Allison Barr’s book (are you signed up for our “Tea and Tent Pegs” webinar yet?), go and be free.
What do you think? How can we help people not see this as misandrous? How can we help women understand that they matter too? Let’s talk in the comments!
Other Posts in the Sexual Confidence Series:3 Markers of Sexual Confidence (especially in women)4 Markers of a Sexually Confident ManKnowing that Sex is for You TooHow to Feel Confident when You're Married to a Porn UserDid You Grow up Embarrassed to Be Female?5 Keys to Sexual Confidence after Menopause4 Keys to Sexual Confidence as the Higher Drive WifeSexual Confidence Doesn't Mean You're Willing to Try Anything in BedDo you need to get angry at what purity culture stole from you?What We Didn't Know about the ClitorisTelling Women You Matter is Not Swinging the Pendulum Too Far (our wrap-up)You may also enjoy:The Orgasm CourseThe Great Sex Rescue
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts What We Don’t Know about the Clitoris (And Other Parts of Women’s Sexuality)Nov 22, 2021 | 32 Comments
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The post You Matter: Is the Pendulum Swinging Too Hard Towards Women? appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
November 25, 2021
The “Sexual Favors” Postpartum Podcast: Can We Please Stop Being Selfish?
We found in our survey that sex lives can start to go off course with the way that sex is handled postpartum. Many people don’t recover a good sex life after having babies, even if they had a good one before. And from what we heard, it’s often because of how sex is handled. So we thought this was a good one to cover for a Start Your Engines men’s focus!
It’s the last Thursday of the month, so it’s time to talk to the guys. I know many of my American listeners are eating turkey today, but maybe you’ll have time to listen to this while you cook. Or maybe you can catch up on the weekend!
In this podcast, Rebecca and I read through the advice given in books ranging from Intended for Pleasure by Ed Wheat to Married Sex by Debra Fileta and Gary Thomas. And as we read these excerpts and talk about them, remember–Rebecca is who this advice is being directed to.
Rebecca, who just had a C-section; who isn’t supposed to walk up and down stairs very much; who shouldn’t be using any ab muscles at all–this is who this advice is geared towards.
And Keith joined too to give his perspective! We thought this would work as a Start Your Engines podcast, the last Thursday of the month where we try to give more of a men’s focus, because I think men need to understand these things.
So listen in!
Browse all the Different Podcasts
Or, as always, you can watch on YouTube:
Timeline of the Podcast
1:00 The Perspective of Postpartum
3:30 Research!
7:00 Becca joins, with special guest Vivian!
16:45 Dad’s are NOT babysitters
19:30 Expectations of sexuality postpartum
41:45 Are we training women to ‘fake it’?
53:25 Postpartum comments from FB
59:45 Reader messages
This seriously flabbergasts me. It was the main reason we wrote chapter 11 in The Great Sex Rescue–because women should not be burdened with giving sexual favors when they’re not feeling well and need to focus on healing. How is this loving your neighbor as yourself?
Keith and I start with the findings from a qualitative study in Italy about postpartum sex:
Most participants reported reduced libido, experienced altered body image, and recounted resumption of sexual activity before feeling ready. A common finding was fatigue and feeling overloaded by the demands of the newborn. Partner support was described as essential to returning to a meaningful relationship.
"The meaning of postpartum sexual health for women living in Spain: a phenomenological inquiry"So most women are resuming sex before they feel ready, and their sex life is suffering.
On the other hand, with a supportive husband, things can go very well.
Our survey of 20,000 predominantly Christian women for The Great Sex Rescue found that 26.7% of women experience significant postpartum sexual pain.Like this study, many feel as if they return to sex too early–and a lot is due to what we are being taught about what our priorities should be.
Rebecca and I read excerpts from a number of books, looking at what evangelical bestsellers are prioritizing about how a couple should navigate the postpartum relationship. And the emphasis? She should give him sexual favors.
Let’s start with Intended for Pleasure:
When you are not having intercourse as frequently as you were prior to pregnancy, you should offer manual stimulation to him—particularly during the period of abstention.
Ed WheatIntended for Pleasure
His Needs, Her Needs talks about how having to care for a baby makes the husband’s assessment of the marriage WORSE (though it doesn’t seem to affect her assessment.).
Then there was Kevin Leman:
There are times for whatever reason that a wife may choose to make use of what younger men affectionately refer to as “hand jobs”. A woman with heavy periods that last six or seven days, or who has just gotten through a pregnancy, or perhaps is simply not feeling her best, may genuinely feel that sex is more than she can handle. But with a minimum of effort, she can help her husband who feels like he’s about ready to climb the walls because it’s been so long. (p. 206)
Kevin LemanSheet Music
And finally, Gary Thomas and Debra Fileta in their new book Married Sex. Rebecca had some issues with how Debra talked about how the breasts were for sex even while nursing, since that just isn’t feasible or desirable for many nursing moms, depending on their milk supply and engorgement. Some things may need to be off the table, but there was no acknowledgment of this.
Then there was the bizarre advice from Gary, which said that the reason men like it when women give hand jobs postpartum is because of how aroused women get (I’ve highlighted the bits saying she’s getting aroused):
Alicia wants to know why her husband, Aaron, loves what are commonly called “hand jobs”—manually manipulating him to orgasm. It doesn’t happen that often in their marriage, but when a heavy period, pregnancy, or post-birth situation makes penetrative intercourse prob- lematic, Alicia is surprised at how grateful Aaron always seems….
Here’s the difference between a husband masturbating to take away sexual tension (something we don’t recommend) and his wife taking the initiative. It may seem to be the same thing, but it’s not even close. Wives, this is what your husband is experiencing:
the sound of your moans and whispersthe smell of your skin or perfumethe way your hands feel so completely different from histhe way your hair falls on his shoulder or chestyour feet touching histhe wetness between your legs brushing up against his thighyour lips on his neck, ear, or mouthyour excitement as his excitement buildsyour breathingthe anticipation of not knowing what’s going to happen nextthe way you can shift your body—your legs or torso or buttocks—and suddenly everything feels so different Gary ThomasMarried Sex
Finally, we went in to what healing looks like postpartum, and how all of this advice is so tone deaf when you consider a woman’s actual body (which should matter.)
Some stories from readersI want to end with what our readers said. When I asked on Instagram if women would rather give hand jobs postpartum or have their husbands masturbate, 43% said they’d rather their husbands masturbate–but then HUNDREDS of these women messaged me saying they needed a third option–NEITHER. They want the option to do neither. Many women said they chose “hand jobs” because they didn’t want their husbands returning to porn. But they’d rather their husbands have self-control regardless.
Can we please talk about this better?
I’ll let these readers have the last word:
Birth of my 6th child.
First c-section.
Baby is taken in distress directly to NICU.
I wake up in recovery and am then taken directly to my room.
I am allowed to shower before I’ll be wheeled to see my daughter.
Hubby needs a release in the shower with me.
This isn’t his fault. It isn’t my fault. Our Bible for marriage was Love and Respect and we honored that because we were told that is what was done. It never even occurred to me in that moment to wonder what the crap was going on. It never occurred to him to negate the wind blowing.
We were taught the wrong biblical principles and as a result we didn’t even acknowledge our own emotional response to what we now understand is often abuse. The church needs to do better.
I didn’t know it was wrong until you. We literally had zero clue until I began following your page. You. You showed me it is wrong and I showed him and instantly we changed our then 15 year narrative and began to heal.
I was raised in that toxic mindset and was made to feel incredibly guilty during my two incredibly rough pregnancies (and a traumatic postpartum) for how little I was having sex or “relieving” my husband. It makes me so angry now. I literally feared him coming to bed at night because I didn’t want to say no to him but just could NOT have sex during that time due to illness and incredibly high anxiety.My husband (who is an incredible man, just raised with the same garbage) and I have since deconstructed a lot of our beliefs. We practice a mutual marriage, we lead our family together, and as a result our sex life is SO MUCH HEALTHIER.
I’ve gone from never wanting sex to enjoying it immensely with him (even desiring to be there for him in other ways when I’m not 100% needing it myself). He knows now that I will NEVER do anything I don’t want to do anymore. And he feels relief. He hated the tension between us but didn’t understand the problem until we educated ourselves outside of what the church had taught. It brought us from me wishing I’d never gotten married if this is what it looks like to truly loving and valuing each other (and our sexuality). The church needs to do better. We almost missed out on all of this amazing intimacy (and if we listened to teachings in our circles we still would be).
The Great Sex RescueChanging the conversation about sex & marriage in the evangelical church. What if you're NOT the problem with your sex life?What if the things that you've been taught have messed things up--and what if there's a way to escape these messages?
Welcome to the Great Sex Rescue. Order Now! Things Mentioned in This Podcast:Our wonderful sponsor Femallay. Check out their vaginal melts, and their innovative menstrual cups that allow you to empty them while they’re still inserted.The Great Sex Rescue! Especially chapter 11 where we talk about postpartum sex and the advice given to womenThe Italian study Keith and I referencedThe Facebook post where women shared their storiesPlus we didn’t mention it, but please: Support us on Patreon for as little as $5 a month! And be sure to sign up for our Tea and Tent Pegs webinar that goes live December 6!Our previous posts on postpartum sexual favors and the podcast Rebecca and Joanna did about resuming sex postpartum
What do you think? Did any of the books’ take on postpartum stand out to you particularly? What’s your experience? Let’s talk in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts Tea and Tent Pegs, “All Men Struggle with Lust”, and More!Nov 19, 2021 | 17 Comments
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The post The “Sexual Favors” Postpartum Podcast: Can We Please Stop Being Selfish? appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
November 24, 2021
The Seats for Tea and Tent Pegs Are Going Fast!
We have 3000 seats available, but 2000 are already gone. So grab your seat now!
On December 6 at 9 pm EST (sorry for all of you in Europe!), the three of us are sitting down with Devi Abraham, host of the Where Do We Go From Here podcast, to talk about our books.
Now, you’ve likely heard all of us talk about our books. You hear me talk about mine all the time. Beth was on the podcast last week, and Kristin was on a few months ago. And we’ve all been all over other people’s podcasts!
But this one is going to be different, because we’ll ALSO be sharing about what we liked about each other’s books. Plus we’ll be talking about what this year has been like personally for us, and where we see things going from here. What changes do we see on the ground?
We’ll have door prizes for those who are there live (including something I handknit, plus some amazing Femallay products!), but you can also listen to the recording afterwards if you can’t listen live.
And we’ll be answering some of your questions as well.
So grab your seat now before they’re gone!
I need a seat! Let’s talk why the webinar is needed: “The best person to rape is your wife”
This is just a tiny incident, one little thing that has happened this year in a slew of other things, but it’s just emblematic of why our books are needed.
On November 13, Dr. Burnett Robinson, pastor of Grand Concourse Seventh Day Adventist Church in the Bronx, was commenting on how marital rape can’t exist because the husband owns his wife’s body. He was bemoaning the laws that make marital rape illegal, and in the middle of all of that, he said, “Gentlemen, the best person to rape is your wife.”
Abuse advocate Sarah McDugal heard about this and grabbed this video before the church took the video of the sermon down.
She contacted several journalists, and the story appeared at Religion News Service and Julie Roys’ site. Because of the pressure, his denomination did put out a statement and placed him on paid administrative leave. (Note that he is still being paid, so it’s kind of like a vacation where he doesn’t need to work, and in the statement they didn’t actually say that marital rape was wrong).
Sarah, in this story, acted like Jael from the Old Testament–and that’s where our “Tea and Tent Pegs” name comes from.In the Judges 4 account, Deborah is leading Israel, and the enemies of Israel are amassing against them. Barak, the leader of the army, refuses to fight unless Deborah goes with them, and Deborah says she will–but the honor of the day will be taken from Barak and given to a woman.
In the battle, the enemies are routed, and Sisera, the leader of the Canaanites, is trying to escape. He heads down to where he thinks there will be friends–the Kenites. Jael, the wife of a Kenite, beckons him into her tent. He underestimates Jael and thinks he’s safe. And while he is lying down, she takes a tent peg and hammers it through his skull (I didn’t say the story wasn’t gross).
Whenever people talk about “biblical womanhood”, I always picture Jael. Being underestimated was her hidden strength. Plus she was brave, and God used her to defeat the enemies of God’s people.
Women are often underestimated, but I believe that right now, women are being used to take on the enemies of God, those who teach things that are contrary to Jesus. (Now, there are many men in this space as well, and I’m so happy for them! But I’ve simply never seen this many best-selling books being written by women, and this many women speaking up in the news. It just seems like something is happening).
Sarah McDugal has been awesome at bringing awareness to the problems with the book Married Sex by Gary Thomas too.Here’s part of the review she recently published:
As an abuse and trauma recovery coach for women in the faith community, especially women married to porn and sex addicts, I was very much looking forward to this book. I’d hoped for a balanced, ethical, trauma-informed resource I could recommend. Sadly, Married Sex is anything but recommendable.
Married Sex offers multiple caveats insisting that it is NOT meant for troubled or abusive marriages. That would be good, except that the foundational concepts woven throughout the entire book rely on stories and examples from marriages where there are clearly abusive elements.
Reggie has rage issues – that are never named as abuse, and his wife’s sense of emptiness over being used for angry sex is glossed over. Not one mention that she should have been advised to seek Domestic Violence support, based on the description of Reggie’s patterns of behavior.
Danny is described as completely incapable of hearing his wife say no without feeling rejected as a human and taking it personally as a negative about his core identity. This is a fragile, immature, self-focused perspective that needs therapy, not a healthy example.
Darrell (who advises newly married couples) says he’s surprised that some people are uncomfortable with the idea of regularly having naked night – no clothes allowed after 6pm, except an apron in the kitchen for cooking. (Has he never heard of parenting small children?) And why is it not okay to be not okay with cooking dinner naked?
Vito is an Italian stallion who likes to dominate in bed and play with (at minimum) honor bondage. His wife is described as liking it, because, of course she should…
Porn is approached as something most men do, but sexting him will make him not want to, and also even tho 65% of men watch it – this book isn’t for wives of addicts. But if he does, you should offer more sex, avoid making him feel bad about it, and send him nudies…
And no, we don’t want to read Liam’s sex scene, puzzling as the description may be.
I believe sex is created by God to be a beautiful, healthy, intimate shared experience of safety and trust. I’m not shy to talk about awkward subjects, either. So when I say that sections of Gary’s chapters read like cheap dime store erotica, it’s not because I’m a prude. Clinical, medical, unfiltered – all appropriate. Pornographic, scintillating, gratuitous commentary – disturbing.
Gary’s tantalizing descriptions of his wife’s nipples, her body insecurities, her short little legs, her reticence to be seen nude – all smack of shameless exploitation. Especially when juxtaposed against the consistent theme of how good wives should definitely sleep naked, flirt naked, cook naked, send naked pictures, etc.
…
Sexting your husband (especially if he’s the kind of guy who is begging you to) is not only unsafe in a digitally complex world, it’s also definitely NOT going to rewire his brain to be uninterested in p*rn.
Flashing your breasts will not reset power imbalances. And it’s profoundly disturbing that the baseline assumption is that marriage automatically brings power imbalances that would need to be reset. Healthy marriage isn’t about either spouse flexing power over the other, it’s about mutually supporting and protecting each other. (And if you’re in an abusive power-over marriage dynamic, a boob-glimpse is definitely not the solution to reset anything.)
Sarah McDugal"My review of Married Sex", Facebook
She also put out a video with her review if you’d rather watch the whole thing!
Rebecca and I will attempt to write a review later of Married Sex–it’s hard to put down all our thoughts in a few words, but we’ll try when things calm down with Rebecca’s newborn!
But this year we’ve been so encouraged by partnerships with people like Sarah, but also Andrew Bauman, Gretchen Baskerville, Anne Blythe from Betrayal Trauma Recovery, Gretchen Baskerville, Patrick Weaver, and more who have been very vocal on social media about the need for healthy marriage and sex resources–and calling out those that are harmful, including books like Love & Respect (that’s one that is close to Gretchen’s heart!).
So we decided that we’d do a SECOND webinar that week, with me moderating, and these wonderful people appearing as panelists.Quite frankly, it’s been an emotional year for those of us who want to call the church to healthy advice focusing on wholeness. There have been a lot of disappointments and evidence that we’re not being listened to. But then there have also been victories. We feel as if the ground is shifting.
So on December 9 and 9 pm (yes, it will be a busy week for me–Monday and Thursday!), we’ll do a webinar on how The Tide Has Turned–a lament for the advice that has hurt the evangelical community, a celebration of some victories, and a look at what’s coming ahead, and how we can all be part of calling the church to more.
I don’t think the world is prepared for all the Jaels that are coming out of the woodwork! So let’s lament. Let’s celebrate. And let’s brainstorm together.
Again, the webinar will be recorded for those who can’t make it live, but live you’ll be able to ask questions!
I need a seat! I know a lot of you are busy with family stuff for the rest of the week, so I wanted to do a post with a round-up of announcements!I would have taken off tomorrow (which is American Thanksgiving; why do you all do it so close to Christmas?), but we have a great podcast that I want to put up as usual, so I thought I’d do my announcements today. And I did have a number of things to share.
Both webinars are going to be amazing, and I hope you can make them!
One of the things Sarah was remarking when I sent her the graphic for ours was that it brought tears to her eyes, because a year ago we were all doing this alone. Now we’re together. We’re friends. We’ve made relationships. And our voices are getting collectively louder.
That’s how I feel about Kristin and Beth too. All of our books came out in the same year, and all became bestsellers, and all deal with the same topic, but from a different angle (politics; history; marriage). None of us knew the other was working on it until they were almost out. But they all go together so well.
We’re not alone anymore. And I hope I can introduce you to some other amazing people over the course of these two webinars!
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts The Podcast on The Making of Biblical WomanhoodNov 18, 2021 | 37 Comments
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November 23, 2021
Do Women Consider Giving Sexual Favors Postpartum Arousing?
I don’t write big posts on Tuesdays anymore, but consider this one a prelude to Thursday’s podcast (yes, we’re releasing one on Thanksgiving because it isn’t Thanksgiving for us here in Canada!).
I asked a while ago about how you feel giving sexual favors postpartum. I asked on Instagram as well, and had some fascinating responses.
I’m compiling them all for Keith and I to read through on the podcast, and I thought you’d all be interested!
Many evangelical books tell women they should satisfy their husbands in other ways when intercourse is off the table, and actually imply that women get aroused from this. How do women actually feel? Well, I asked.
A large minority definitely were, and they’d agree with these commenters:
I found sexual release greatly on my mind. I wanted him fully and had a hard time waiting for my body to heal.Any sexual encounters I had with my husband soon after the births of our children were very intimate.To them I’d say, More power to you! Go for it! I wish we all could be like this. And honestly, I think more of us would if it weren’t treated as an obligation. (But I also don’t think these women need books telling them to do sexual favors. They would have anyway.)
Most women, though, said that they were distinctly not aroused at all.After 13 years of marriage and 5 births I can say that I have not once found it arousing to me. Not once – and I did it many times for his sexual pleasure and release. Honestly I felt like I had no choice – either take care of him or live with an utter grouch until I did.Arousing? Not in the least. Not a single time. It’s an act of selfless love me. I don’t enjoy it- even when I’m not postpartum or on my period.Somehow I learned that his needs superseded mine. Most of our sex was simply an obligation.I was his sex slave and he would come begging for hand jobs and blow jobs when I was exhausted or sick and he felt like looking at porn.When I was on my period, it was expected of me to give him “something” because he thought he would just die if he didn’t have some kind of sex in a week’s time.No, it would not be arousing for me. I would feel used.Even though I said no when I needed to, I felt horrible guilt and beat myself up. When I said yes to one sided favors, I felt like a whore. This damaged our relationship so much and created many, many hard feelings both ways: him feeling like he was missing out on something he should have ( but was not necessarily “owed”) and me hating him for the sexual pressure.It’s always driven me crazy when books focus on how difficult the post-partum period is for men. Like, my body just GREW A HUMAN and PUSHED OUT THE HUMAN and is now FEEDING THE HUMAN but please, tell me more about how difficult it is for the man.
I’ll end with what this commenter said:
The first time I read something along the lines of ‘It’s so hard for a husband when a wife is bleeding postpartum or from a heavy period and she’s feeling terrible…’ I was expecting it to end something like ‘…because it upsets him to see her suffer’. But then it finishes with ‘…because he gets sexually frustrated’ ! ARGGGGHHHH!!!!
I agree. I find the emphasis so misplaced. The only advice given about the postpartum period in all the books we read was for wives to remember that husbands will get sexually frustrated, and you should give him something instead.
Why no admonitions for men to use this time to care for their wives and let their wives set the pace?I had women on Instagram telling me that their husbands demanded something while they were still in the hospital, because it was her duty. This needs to stop.
If you’re the kind of person who enjoys this postpartum (again, I wish we all were like that), then I don’t think you need a book telling you to do this. We always have to ask: who is the advice aimed at? And in most cases it’s aimed at women who don’t want to do these things, but are being told God wants them to.
Rebecca (who currently IS postpartum) and I are reading through some postpartum advice from our evangelical books on this week’s podcast coming out on Thursday.
But I’d love to know what you think. Why don’t books ask men to honor their wives postpartum, when wives have just gone through the physical experience of childbirth? Why is it assumed that his sexual frustration supersedes her well-being? How can we change this?
The Great Sex RescueChanging the conversation about sex & marriage in the evangelical church. What if you're NOT the problem with your sex life?What if the things that you've been taught have messed things up--and what if there's a way to escape these messages?
Welcome to the Great Sex Rescue. Order Now! Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts Women Shouldn’t Have to Suffer So Men Don’t Feel ShameNov 17, 2021 | 54 Comments
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November 22, 2021
What We Don’t Know about the Clitoris (And Other Parts of Women’s Sexuality)
For years, the clitoris was shown as smaller than it actually is, and often the nerves and rooots were omitted.
The penis, on the other hand, tended to be shown in great detail.
In recent years women have been speaking up, demanding that medical students be taught proper information on the clitoris, because without knowledge of the roots of the clitoris, many women have experienced a cut off in sensation becasue surgeons have cut in the wrong place. And with clitoral pain and infections being so common, when doctors don’t know what something is supposed to look like, they often downplay the problem.
Dr. Jessica Pin explains the problem this way:
…throughout OB/GYN literature (update: slowly improving, but still often omitted, as in Comprehensive Gynecology, c. 2021), the innervation and vasculature of the clitoris are omitted. There are many more just like these. If you’re thinking detailed anatomy must be included elsewhere in these texts, you are mistaken. It is simply missing.
"The senseless omission of clitoral anatomy from medical textbooks"Jessica’s on a mission to get clitoral neural anatomy (the nerves and vasculature) of the clitoris included in OB/GYN textbooks, because it’s still almost entirely left out.
So if you don’t know what your clitoris looks like, you’re not alone!In one survey that we recently did, we found that women were more likely to report knowing the word “scrotum” when they graduated high school than they were knowing the word “clitoris”. We just don’t know our own bodies, because it’s not talked about.
A perfect example is the history of the G-spot.Ernst Grafenberg first wrote about the role of the urethral area in female orgasm in the 1950s, and the G-spot was named after him.
Think about that–the 1950s. We knew about the atomic bomb before this.
People described the G-spot as a quarter-sized slightly raised area of the vagina that was a bit knobbly. The only problem? When researchers tried to find it, they couldn’t, and roughly five years ago a variety of articles came out saying the G-spot didn’t exist.
Women went nuts, because many were sure it did–and that’s how they had orgasms.
But now we know what’s really going on. It’s simply clitoral roots! The clitoris is not ONLY a knob of flesh between the folds in a woman’s genitalia. It has roots that extend upward, and those roots cover the front wall of the vagina. They get stimulated when you stimulate the front wall or when you engage those muscles and tilt your pelvis forward during sex.
Why didn’t we know this? Because medical textbooks didn’t include the actual anatomy of the clitoris.
Researchers in France have started using a lifesize model of the clitoris, which looks kind of like a wishbone. There’s not a stock image I can use, but you can see one here! The nerves from the clitoris are actually quite large, and it’s important that doctors know where they are, and that women understand how our bodies work.
You may also enjoy:The Theology of the Clitoris Speaking of women, did you know that testosterone is not what causes libido in women?There was an interesting–to put it mildly–discussion on Facebook last Friday about the whole lust debate, with some men saying that I was being insensitive claiming that all men don’t lust, and that I needed to show more compassion to men.
They said I didn’t understand what it’s like to have so much testosterone going through your veins. And I’ve heard that argument from other Christian authors as well–men have ten times the amount of testosterone as women, so we will never understand their sex drives.
And that would be true–if it was testosterone alone that gave women libido.
But it’s not. For women, it’s a cocktail of hormones in the right balance (which is why it’s important to keep our hormones in balance and to work towards wellness). For us, it’s a combination of estrogen and a number of other hormones that keeps our libido humming. Testosterone is one of those, but it isn’t the only one.
If we had high levels of testosterone but not enough estrogen or progesterone, we’d have a lot of problems.
And if it were testosterone alone that caused high libidos, then we’d find that women could never have a higher libido than a man, because pretty much all women will have lower amounts of testosterone than men.
But we know that’s not true. Our survey for The Great Sex Rescue found that 58% of men had the higher libido, yes, but so did 19% of women. And in 23% of marriages, libido is shared.
The Great Sex RescueChanging the conversation about sex & marriage in the evangelical church. What if you're NOT the problem with your sex life?What if the things that you've been taught have messed things up--and what if there's a way to escape these messages?
Welcome to the Great Sex Rescue. Order Now!It is not only testosterone that impacts libido in women, so to tell a woman that she can never understand what men go through with their libido because we don’t have as much testosterone is simply not true. Men and women have different hormonal makeups, and women’s hormonal makeups can ALSO boost libido. But there’s a big misunderstanding about this, as that Facebook debate showed, and as many Christian marriage books show.
Basically, I think the problem is that we start with men’s sexuality as being the standard, and then we judge women when they don’t work like men. In The Orgasm Course we talked about this at length, and it’s a big reason many women feel broken. We assume that because he enjoys intercourse, we should just as much–and we judge ourselves when we don’t orgasm that way (or orgasm at all). We assume that because he doesn’t need foreplay, we are selfish for wanting it (even though 60% of women who CAN orgasm regularly don’t do so through intercourse alone).
Women don’t have broken bodies; they just have women’s bodies. And we work differently–but we’re not substandard, and our bodies still matter.
That’s also why I’m a big fan of Femallay’s Vaginal Melts.When we hear about women losing lubrication at menopause, or having a more difficult time after they’ve had a baby, or at certain times of the month, we often turn towards personal lubricants–the kind that you buy at a drug store that he puts on his penis so intercourse is more comfortable.
Lubricants are meant to make sex comfortable and easier; vaginal melts do so much more.
They’re not only focused on intercourse; they’re focused on everything a woman needs. They help promote elasticity; they moisturize the vagina, which is important when it starts thinning with age. They help your body, not just make it so that you can have sex with your husband.
So many products for women are focused on ensuring we can still have sex, as if the main points of our bodies is sex.
While sex is a huge part of marriage, and a very important part, it is not the only thing.
Our bodies are still our bodies, and promoting vaginal health impacts prolapse; stops dryness and discomfort; stops itchiness; and so much more.
The Melts are vaginal suppositories that nourish you. They come in different flavours (or no flavour!) to make sex fun. But they’re focused on you!
And you can even buy samples to see which ones you like best!
Check out the Melts! We’ve been talking about sexual confidence throughout October and November.And as we come to a close on this series, I hope that we can show tremendous grace to ourselves. That’s really been my goal for this series–to help you show grace and compassion to yourself. If you don’t feel sexually confident, maybe there’s a reason. If you dont’ know how your body works, maybe there’s a reason. If you feel like you’re “less than” a man, maybe there’s a reason. If you went for help for sexual pain, and your doctor didn’t even know what it was or minimized it, maybe there’s a reason.
We don’t need to berate ourselves for these things. We can just understand, “oh, this is why I find this so frustrating!” And then we can show compassion to ourselves and move on, telling ourselves, “I was never taught properly about all of this, but now that can change. We can walk forward knowing that my body is great, just the way it was made. And I’m important too!”
That’s such an important step in confidence, and if that’s been a struggle, I hope you feel closer to being able to say that!
Did you know the word “scrotum” before you knew “clitoris”? Have you had trouble finding the clitoris or getting proper medical help for sexual issues? Let’s talk in the comments!
Other Posts in the Sexual Confidence Series:3 Markers of Sexual Confidence (especially in women)4 Markers of a Sexually Confident ManKnowing that Sex is for You TooHow to Feel Confident when You're Married to a Porn UserDid You Grow up Embarrassed to Be Female?5 Keys to Sexual Confidence after Menopause4 Keys to Sexual Confidence as the Higher Drive WifeSexual Confidence Doesn't Mean You're Willing to Try Anything in BedDo you need to get angry at what purity culture stole from you?What We Didn't Know about the ClitorisLet's Talk Vulvas! Feeling confident about your genitalsYou may also enjoy:The Orgasm CourseThe Great Sex Rescue
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts How Did the “All Men Struggle with Lust” Message Affect You?Nov 16, 2021 | 44 Comments
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The post What We Don’t Know about the Clitoris (And Other Parts of Women’s Sexuality) appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
November 19, 2021
Tea and Tent Pegs, “All Men Struggle with Lust”, and More!
It’s time for another edition fo my Friday Round-Up, where I cover what’s been going on on my social media platforms (because lots of the best stuff, and the best conversations, happen there!).
To start, this week I announced our awesome FREE webinar December 6 at 9 pm EST with Kristin Kobes Du Mez, Beth Allison Barr, and me! Hosted by Devi Abraham from the Where Do We Go from Here podcast!
We’re going to do things a little bit differently for the webinar, because instead of just talking about our own books, we’ll also talk about what we found interesting about each other’s! So it won’t just be a rehash of what you’ve heard us say on other podcasts.
1000 people registered in the first 24 hours, so I upped our plan to cover 3000. But once 3000 register, it’s gone. So grab your slot!
And you can always listen to the recording afterwards if you can’t make it live. (But I hope you can, because we’ll have door prizes and more!).
I need to register! Many have been asking about the name “Tea and Tent Pegs.”The Tent Pegs reference comes from a story in Judges 4:17-22. Israel is being attacked by its enemies, and Deborah, who is judging Israel, tells Barak, the leader of the army, to fight. Because he hesitates, Deborah tells him that the leader will be killed by a woman.
In the battle, the enemy is routed, and Sisera, the enemy general, escapes. He tries to hide, and passes by a tent where Jael, a woman, beckons him inside. He thinks he’s safe (she’s just a woman, of course), and he lies down to rest. She nails a tent peg through his skull and kills him.
The point of the story? Women who are underestimated will often defeat the enemies of God.
So, yeah, that’s why we’re all Tea and Tent Pegs!
Let’s talk “All Men Struggle with Lust”I asked on Instagram stories on Monday how the “all men struggle with lust” message affected women, and I had hundreds upon hundreds of heartbreaking answers. I ended up posting about it on Tuesday (even though I said I wasn’t going to post on the blog anymore on Tuesdays!). And then I followed that up with a bigger question about why so many authors think it’s more important that men don’t feel shame about lusting than it is that women are spared these horrible effects. That’s kind of what I was thinking a lot this week, and it spilled over onto my Fixed It For Yous:
See the convo on Facebook See the convo on Instagram Here’s what I found so strange about the conversations we were having. Women were by and large insisting that noticing is not lusting; that many men were feeling guilty for things they shouldn’t. That lust is something that can be overcome, because women do not have the Holy Spirit more than men do.
But then several men kept insisting that this message is shameful for men. The only way men can not feel shame is to feel as if this is a universal problem men have that women will never understand. If you say anything less, you cause men shame. And they were insisting that men do lust, all the time. (to be fair, many men pushed back too).
I find this line of thought strange. If it’s a universal problem, then no one ever achieves victory. So it makes me wonder: is it that they don’t want men to feel shame, or is it that they want to convince themselves they don’t need to get over it, because no man ever can? Seriously, we have to talk about this better.
You may also enjoy: Why “Bouncing Your Eyes” Can be Disrespectful to WomenCan We Respect Women Please and Stop Saying All Men Lust (by Keith)The Stumbling Block and Modesty Debate Podcast: Let’s put it to rest for goodThe Noticing and Yoga Pants PodcastDo All Men Really Lust? Let’s Look at the Numbers PodcastAnd, of course, we cover this at length in chapters 5 and 6 of The Great Sex Rescue! Plus we share our results from our men’s survey in The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex–which is available for pre-order now!
The Great Sex RescueChanging the conversation about sex & marriage in the evangelical church. What if you're NOT the problem with your sex life?What if the things that you've been taught have messed things up--and what if there's a way to escape these messages?
Welcome to the Great Sex Rescue. Order Now! Want almost a SECOND podcast? Plus a look at my granddaughter?I recorded a half hour Instagram Live where we went over this concept that women are being asked to suffer so that men don’t feel shame–even though what we’re teaching is both unbiblical and unscientific. And I dissected an article by Barbara Rainey claiming that men are barbarians without women to stabilize them (which is such a low view of men!).
View this post on InstagramSee it on Instagram! Let’s Talk about Aunt Matilda, and My Dedication in The Great Sex Rescue
Many of you may not know what my dedication in The Great Sex Rescue is. It reads:
To The Act of Marriage’s Aunt Matilda, and all the women like her. We see you. We hear you. And we are so, so sorry.
You can watch the video for the story:
View this post on InstagramSee it on Instagram!
Or you can read what I wrote on Facebook:
I dedicated The Great Sex Rescue to Tim LaHaye’s “Aunt Matilda” character from his book The Act of Marriage.
Can I tell you about Aunt Matilda?
She’s central in an anecdote that Tim shares. A young woman is getting married, and her Aunt Matilda tells her that marriage is just legalized rape, and that sex is awful. Aunt Matilda is portrayed as the ANTAGONIST in this story, because she wrecks sex for her niece.
Tim then recounts that Aunt Matilda’s husband stripped & raped her on their wedding night while she fought & screamed.
Tim excuses it, saying her husband was older, clumsy, embarrassed, from the old country, a farmer. (I’m pretty sure most older farmers don’t rape their wives).
And then he talks about Aunt Matilda and her “equally unhappy” husband.
That’s right.
He called the rapist equally unhappy as his rape victim.
The book was written when marital rape was largely not illegal. By the time the 4th edition was published (the one I read), marital rape was illegal pretty much everywhere. But no one thought to remove that story. No one thought “we shouldn’t make Aunt Matilda the bad guy.”
In our survey of evangelical marriage & sex bestsellers for The Great Sex Rescue, we found far too many cavalier, dismissive attitudes towards marital rape.
Aunt Matilda deserved better. YOU deserve better.
No more toxic books.
That’s it for this week! Please remember to support my wonderful sponsor Femallay. They’re a Christian women’s wellness company with a unique take on what products can help women. They have menstrual cups with valves so they can be emptied without always having to be removed. They have vaginal melts that work way better than just lubricants because they actually help nourish the vagina. And so much more! Check them out.
And have a great weekend, everybody!
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts Do You Need to Get Angry at What Purity Culture Stole from You?Nov 15, 2021 | 34 Comments
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November 18, 2021
The Podcast on The Making of Biblical Womanhood
One of the funniest things I often see when I go on Amazon and look up The Great Sex Rescue is the books that are recommended next to it.
It seems like people who buy The Great Sex Rescue really like Beth’s book–and they really like Kristin Kobes Du Mez’s book too (and she was on the podcast earlier this year!).
In The Making of Biblical Womanhood, Beth, who is a historian, traces how what we think of as the biblical role of women is actually a relatively new creation. Women in medieval times have largely been erased from church history–but they were very active and played a variety of roles.
But over the centuries, the church has tried to enforce a view of women that keeps women thinking that they are only here to play side roles while they serve men.
It’s time, Beth says, to set us all free.
Browse all the Different Podcasts
See the Last “Start Your Engines” (Men’s) Podcast
Or, as always, you can watch on YouTube:
Timeline of the Podcast
0:30 We’re almost at 1,000,000!
2:00 Beth joins us!
3:00 Definitions for the discussion, and Beth’s backstory
8:00 Sheila’s own experience in the church
12:00 The changes in the argument over time
18:20 Let’s talk History!
27:45 Woman are not defined by ‘wife and mother’
37:40 Eternal subordination debate
49:45 Beth’s journey through various feedback
Check it out on Amazon! We talked about all of my favourite parts of the book–and I read out some of the quotes that I found so very powerful.
But we also talked about how to handle pushback, some of the controversies in the church right now, and where we go from here.
I loved this discussion, and this was my first time actually talking with Beth, after interacting with her so much online.
Would you like to hear me talk with Beth again–and with Kristin Kobes Du Mez as well?We’re doing a special event–Tea and Tent Pegs–December 6 and 9 pm EST!
Kristin, Beth and I will be talking about our books, the change that is coming, and what we see happening on the ground.
And the Tent Peg reference is from the Old Testament story of Jael killing Sisera–because Sisera underestimated a woman. It’s found in Judges 4! A woman is smashing the head of the enemies of God.
Unlike other podcasts you may have heard us on, though, we’re not just talking about our own books. We’ll be talking about each other’s. So instead of just hearing about The Great Sex Rescue from me (you already know all my sound bites!), you’ll hear what stood out to Beth and Kristin. You’ll hear what surprised me about Kristin’s book (especially as a Canadian), or what Kristin thought about Beth’s. And Devi Abraham, from the amazing Where Do We Go from Here podcast, will be hosting!
It’s a FREE event, and you can listen LIVE (we hope you do; there will be door prizes and more!), or you can watch the recording afterwards.
incidentally, I only posted about this TWICE yesterday, and it is filling up fast. We’re already about 1/3 towards the max of the 3000 people who can attend. So sign up today! (If you don’t manage to register, the replay will still be available, but we’ll likely have to charge a small amount for it.)
Grab my spot! Would you like to sponsor Tea and Tent Pegs?We’ll have about 3000 super engaged attendees, and if you’d like to ask about sponsorship, leave a comment and I’ll email you back! Or just send us an email here.
Things Mentioned in This Podcast:Our amazing sponsor Femallay! It’s a Christian company focused on helping women thrive, with cloth menstrual pads, menstrual cups, balancing teas, and my favourite–vaginal melts!Our Patreon: Join for as little as $5 a month, and get access to our exclusive Facebook group, unfiltered podcasts, merchandise, and more! The funds raised do not go to support this blog but instead to support Joanna and Rebecca as they get our research published in peer-reviewed journals and branch out into new social media that I can’t monetizeBeth Allison Barr’s book The Making of Biblical Womanhood, and my book The Great Sex RescueLucy Maud Montgomery’s short story The Strike at Putney
Have you read The Making of Biblical Womanhood? What do you think of how the justification for keeping women as appendages to men has changed over the centuries? What can we do to “go, and be free” as Beth said? Let’s talk in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts The Round-Up: He’s a Dad, not a BabysitterNov 12, 2021 | 14 Comments
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November 17, 2021
Women Shouldn’t Have to Suffer So Men Don’t Feel Shame
I told you about it yesterday, but I’d like to explore it a little more today.
I received hundreds upon hundreds of answers on Instagram, and they were heartbreaking. Being afraid of snuggling with dad. Feeling to blame for my own sexual assaults. Developing an eating disorder to stay attractive for my husband. Mistrusting my husband. Developing terrible posture to not let people see my chest. Judging other women. Losing friendships with any women who may be rivals. And it went on and on and on.
This is the fruit. This is what happens when we teach that “all men struggle with lust; it’s every man’s battle.”
When we surveyed 20,000 women for The Great Sex Rescue, we found that THIS was the one teaching that affected women if they merely were taught it, even if they never believed it. Just being in a culture where this is widely believed has negative effects on our marriages and our sex lives. And believing it? That’s one of the big reasons that women’s libidos plummet. Seriously–who wants to have sex when this is what men are like?
But here’s where it gets sad.
I spoke to a big name author about this, and I said:
EVEN IF it were true, teaching it has such negative effects on women. Shouldn’t we change how we teach it?And his response? We wouldn’t want men to feel shame. We have to tell the truth so men don’t feel shame.
It is better for women to experience all of this–the low libido; the low sexual satisfaction; the lack of trust in their husbands; the lack of safety overall; the lack of friendships; the inability to trust family members; feeling responsible for their own sexual assaults; hating their bodies–it is better for women to experience all of that than to have men feel shame over lust.
So that’s what I’d like to explore today. Does that argument even hold water?
Biblically, it is not true that all men struggle with lust.It just isn’t. There isn’t one category of sin that men can’t defeat or have victory over. In fact, here’s what Paul wrote:
It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control your own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the pagans, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong or take advantage of a brother or sister. 1 Thessalonians 4:3-6
So it is every believer’s responsibility to deal with their own lust, and the expectation is that they will. And why should they do it? So they do not take advantage of someone else.
And throughout the New Testament, it says over and over again that the expectation is that we will live by the Spirit, not the flesh. We will have victory!
This does not mean we never sin, and lust could be a stronghold in some people’s lives. But when we say it’s a stronghold in EVERY man’s life, we make it sound like a sin that you can never, ever get over.
And if you can never get over it, you give men an excuse to keep practising it.
Do you hear me on this? When we say it’s “every man’s battle”, then we make it into an acceptable sin, because it’s impossible to get over.
That’s what Gary Thomas believes. In a post he wrote in 2016, he said this:
…some form of sexual sin is a universal struggle among all men. There isn’t a man alive who isn’t bent in his sexual desires. While the vast majority of us do not have homosexual desires, we have other desires that do not honor God. That’s the burden of being a man. Women have untoward desires as well, but they are different. Gary ThomasWhat Your Husband May Never Tell You (and one thing every husband needs to do accordingly)
Think about that: there’s not a single man who isn’t “bent”–but there are plenty of women who aren’t “bent.”
Where, exactly, in the Bible is this? Where, exactly, in science is this? Nowhere. There is no Bible verse supporting this, and there is no scientific study that supports this.
In fact, Paul tells us that we should “greet one another with a holy kiss.” That doesn’t sound like a man who is nervous around women! He had female co-workers that he appreciated and loved very much. In fact, 10/29 people who are mentioned by name in Romans 16 are female, and a higher proportion of the women are mentioned in relation to their ministry than with men. Paul worked alongside women, valued women, and treated women as real sisters in Christ. Why do we think that’s so impossible?
If men cannot be with a woman without struggling to lust after her, then we should not have men in pulpits, men in leadership over women, or male bosses. We should have a female-led church or a female-led society, because men can’t be trusted.
You can’t simultaneously believe in male leadership and also believe that men cannot achieve victory in the way they look at women or act towards women. God did not mean women to be unsafe, and this makes women unsafe.
What is universal–almost–is sexual attraction.Lust may not be a special category of sin that is universal, but noticing attractive people is almost universal (some asexual people may not). I still think the root of much of this issue is that we’ve conflated noticing with lusting. Incidentally, that’s what we found in our survey of men, too, that’s coming out in the Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex (which you can preorder now!). Many (though not all) men say they struggle with lust, when their answers to follow-up questions look like they only struggle with noticing, not actually lusting. About half of the men who say they struggle with lust show no other signs of it. We think we’ve made men feel guilty for normal male sexuality.
Men should feel conviction for lust!I DO NOT want men to feel shame for being attracted to women, and I hope that we can change the conversation so that we set men free from this, because I think so many men have been living under burdens that they were never meant to bear.
But I equally believe that those burdens should not be heaped on women–and worse–simply because we want men to feel free.
When we spread the “all men struggle with lust” message, we heap the shame and guilt that men feel onto women. We tell women they need to wear modest clothes; have sex frequently in marriage; watch their demeanor, etc etc etc all to protect men from lusting.
Why can’t we just tell men to respect women and treat women as whole people, made in the image of God?
Indeed, THAT is what scientific studies show reduces lust–thinking of someone as a whole person, with relationships, with thoughts, with opinions, rather than just as body parts.
Paul also wrote:
Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death.
2 Corinthians 7:10Conviction for sin is actually a good thing! It leads to repentance and to life! But worldly sorrow–shame–isn’t.
By spreading the message that all men struggle with lust, we are taking the conviction that men should feel away, and we are heaping shame that women shouldn’t feel on women.
Women are worth more than this!We do not deserve to live with this kind of fear, guilt, shame, lack of relational connection, mistrust, suspicion, and more, simply so that men don’t have to feel conviction about sin.
It is wrong to put this on women. Women do not deserve this.
The Great Sex RescueChanging the conversation about sex & marriage in the evangelical church. What if you're NOT the problem with your sex life?What if the things that you've been taught have messed things up--and what if there's a way to escape these messages?
Welcome to the Great Sex Rescue. Order Now! What would I say instead about lust?We talk about this a lot in chapters 5 and 6 of The Great Sex Rescue, but I would say something like this:
It is normal to have sexual feelings and to feel attracted to the opposite sex. It is normal to notice that someone else is attractive. Noticing is not lusting. Thoughts can enter into our heads, and that is not our fault. But it is our responsibility to choose what to do with those thoughts.
It is entirely possible, and even normal, to notice that someone else is attractive, but then to move on with your day and think nothing more of it. In fact, this is what most people do.
If you struggle with lust, though, that’s okay. Everyone struggles with something. Please know, though, that this is something that you can get victory over. And the way you do it is by training yourself to respect people as whole people, made in the image of God. Instead of seeing body parts, practise seeing who is truly in front of you. Treat them as a fellow child of God.
Please see The Great Sex Rescue for more!
You know, we surveyed 20,000 women so that our results would be unassailable.I thought that would be enough. When I spoke to this author, I thought he would get it–that if this message hurt women so much, we needed to stop spreading it. I thought he would care.
I thought the problem was that we just didn’t realize how harmful this was, and as soon as we realized it, things would change.
I was wrong. That wasn’t the problem. The problem was that they wanted men to avoid feeling badly at all costs. And they honestly didn’t care what it did to women, because they refused to let go of the unbiblical and unscientific idea that all men struggle in this area.
Women deserve better, but so do men.I read another article this week by Barbara Rainey, where she said that men are like barbarians without women, and they need women to stabilize them. Men are open to any convenient sexual offer, and are barbarians when it comes to sex.
How can people talk about God’s sons this way? I would never say this about my husband, about my sons-in-law. I don’t want to be in a church that believes my grandson will grow up this way. This is misandry.
Men are good people. Men were not made more naturally evil than women. Women are not men’s saviours. Jesus is men’s Saviour.
So stop heaping the guilt and shame on women. Stop heaping shame on men for normal sexual feelings. And start calling men to more, rather than burdening women with things they were never meant to carry.
I truly don’t understand why that’s too much to ask.
Help me with this one! Why doesn’t women’s pain matter to pastors and authors? How else can I help them to see? Let me know in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts PODCAST: Finding Your Own Path as a CoupleNov 11, 2021 | 22 Comments
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November 16, 2021
How Did the “All Men Struggle with Lust” Message Affect You?
On Tuesday I don’t write blog posts anymore–but I published something on Facebook this morning that I thought I’d move over here as well!
Yesterday I asked in my Instagram stories how the “All men struggle with lust” message affected women. I had hundreds upon hundreds of responses.
Here are just a few:
* It made me feel like if my husband ever cheated it was because I didn’t keep myself pretty enough
* Made me feel permanently unsafe and always on display
* I felt guilty for my large bust
* Made me not trust men (including my husband)
* Gave me that “I asked for it” mentality
* It made me vigilant around men–how I crossed my legs, how I stood up or bent over. I never could be natural
* I thought every time my husband touched me he was initiating sex (wrong!)
* It made me terrified, like an animal in a cage
* It made me feel weird around my dad and brothers
* I gained 20 lbs. trying to hide my body
* It made me feel like a freak as a woman who struggled with lust
* Put burden on my young brain that my marriage would always have shadow & sadness
* Made me afraid to have sons
* I judged other women…
* It made me size up other women to see if my husband would lust after them
* It made me feel like I’d never be enough
* Made me extremely paranoid that my honorable husband was a secret pervert
* I thought addiction to porn was normal and I didn’t see the red flags with my then fiance
* I was terrified that everything I did or wore made me a target. So I avoided men altogether.
* I still can’t wear a V-neck (and I’m 40!)
* When I was sexually abused as a child it made me feel like it was all my fault
* Eating disorder…trying to stay “perfect” to keep my husband faithful.
* I took all the responsibility for unwanted sexual encounters
* It made me feel disgusted. My friends’ dads? My teachers? My youth leaders? No safe space.
* Made me believe that men are never wrong; they’re just a victim of circumstance.
* It made me concerned about snuggling with my dad.
* I lost all respect for the men in my life. Could not see them as leaders.
So let me ask….
Are we listening?
Often authors try to dress up the message. Instead of saying, “all men struggle with lust,” they say things like “men have a sexual region of the brain that is 2 1/2 times larger, and they’re visually stimulated in a way that women will never understand.” (which is not, by the way, what science says).
But it’s the same effect. It’s the same message.
I had a conversation with a big name author about this. He believes that all men DO struggle with lust (It’s why he wouldn’t endorse The Great Sex Rescue). And I said–but EVEN IF that’s true (which it’s not), shouldn’t it matter that spreading this message has such terrible effects on women?
He disagreed. Women just need to know the truth.
But THIS IS NOT OF GOD. Women matter. God did not create men to incessantly struggle with one sin.We have to do this better.
Please see chapters 5 & 6 in The Great Sex Rescue for a thorough debunking of the whole “all men struggle with lust” message, plus a thorough analysis of what that message does to women. AND a way to talk about it that upholds the dignity of both men and women, and points us to a safe and healthy way forward.
The Great Sex RescueChanging the conversation about sex & marriage in the evangelical church. What if you're NOT the problem with your sex life?What if the things that you've been taught have messed things up--and what if there's a way to escape these messages?
Welcome to the Great Sex Rescue. Order Now!Yesterday and overnight about 10 people alerted me to this article by Barbara Rainey, by the way, about “when sex is at the bottom of your list.” I’ll try to do an Instagram Live about it later today and talk about it!
So how did the message affect you? Let me know in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts 7 Questions to Ask to Vet Your CounselorNov 10, 2021 | 23 Comments
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The post How Did the “All Men Struggle with Lust” Message Affect You? appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
November 15, 2021
Do You Need to Get Angry at What Purity Culture Stole from You?
i’m just back from a weekend knitting retreat with my mom. About 60 knitters gathered at an inn close to where I live for some knitting classes and show and tell and just great food and time to chat.
It was the first time I didn’t open up my computer all day in, well, likely almost two years. In fact, I kept it closed for two and a half whole days! I was thrilled.
So I’m in a bit of a contemplative headspace today. I was going to write about what science is telling us about the clitoris (what’s new), and I think I still will (maybe next week!), but I had this thought last night as I was going to sleep and I’d like to try to put it into words.
In October and November we’re talking about sexual confidence–what it is, how you can feel confident even if your husband has used porn; how to be confident as the higher drive wife; and more.
And everyday I wake up to messages on Instagram or comments here or on Facebook from women who have finally found freedom after reading our book The Great Sex Rescue. They know that the reason that sex has been ho hum, or even downright awful, is not their fault. But more importantly, they see a way out.
I was thinking about those messages this morning, and what they have in common. And it seems to me that the big difference is anger.
Women who are becoming whole sexually have often expressed a lot of anger.On the other hand, the women who are still really struggling often express hopelessness. It feels like nothing will ever change, and they’ve tried everything.
What’s the difference?
Now, as I write this, I’m aware that many of you HAVE tried everything, and you are feeling a little hopeless, and I don’t want to add to your burden right now. I want to try to enter in emotionally and say something to your heart, that I hope will help. I’m not trying to tell you that you’re doing yet another thing wrong. This isn’t about performance but about how we feel about our experience.
Here’s what I want you to understand:
Hopelessness is often anger turned inward.You’re tried everything, why isn’t it getting any better? What’s wrong with me that everyone else finds this easy and I don’t? What’s wrong with me that I never want sex? What’s wrong with us that we can’t get over our pasts?
Hopelessness often blames ourselves.
On the other hand, sometimes the correct response to the problems that we’re experiencing in the bedroom is anger on our own behalf.When we start to recognize the depth of pain that many of the teachings in the church caused us; that our youth group caused us; that our parents or culture caused us–and we realize what they robbed us of, righteous anger can be the correct response.
Now, I’m not saying that you should all get angry at your parents and phone them and yell at them! I mean less anger at a specific person and more anger on your own behalf.
Those who have told us that they’ve had new insights into the problems in their sex lives and feel like they can finally move ahead don’t do so because they’ve had it out with their former youth pastor who handed out copies of I Kissed Dating Goodbye or their aunt who shamed them for developing boobs at 11. No, it’s simply that they realized what I experienced was not what God wanted for me, and it took something from me.
The Benefits of this Kind of Protective AngerA lot of us grew up with cognitive dissonance, and it was exhausting.
We were told we were supposed to respect men and follow them and submit to them, but we were also told that they couldn’t help themselves around us and so we had to be the gatekeepers. We were supposed to never, ever think about sex or want sex while we were single, but then a switch was supposed to go off once we were married and we’d magically become sex kittens. We were told we were supposed to wait, and then sex would be amazing–and it wasn’t.
And we’ve been trying to hold on to the church and to the culture and to our families even as we start to feel this real cognitive dissonance, where nothing makes sense.
I think one reason that people find The Great Sex Rescue so freeing is that it lets you name the problem: it’s not you. It’s not even the well-meaning youth pastor who said stuff that really ended up hurting you. It’s not your parents who did the best they could, even though they seriously scarred you, too.
The problem is that our evangelical culture has believed things and taught things that simply aren’t biblical and that hurt people. (And we were able to measure the depth of the hurt with our survey of 20,000 women).
They’ve taught sex as an obligation; men as insatiable monsters; the purpose of sex as sin avoidance in marriage (you have sex so he won’t lust, watch porn, or have an affair). It’s exhausting. And we’ve all been caught up in this.
When we can see that this was never Jesus’ heart; that He is about true intimacy and oneness, then we can get angry at the fact that His name has been used to harm so many people. We can get angry on our own behalf. We should have been taught about true intimacy, we should have grown up without shame, we should have grown up with the words and ability to talk about this stuff. That would have honored God, not this.
And feeling angry on your own behalf gives clarity. You realize that none of this is your fault–or even your husband’s fault. That if you are struggling, there is good reason. You were all taught stuff that seriously messed you up, and now there’s a way forward.
When the anger is directed outside of you, that empowers you to start to fix things. When it’s directed inward, then every time you don’t make immediate progress it’s more evidence that you never will. When you are the problem, how exactly do you solve it?
Biblically, getting angry at injustice is a positive thing. It motivated the prophets to write what they wrote. It motivated change and a return to God. When we get angry at injustice we often feel free for the first time, because we know that the things that we are having a hard time accepting are actually not of God.
The Great Sex RescueChanging the conversation about sex & marriage in the evangelical church. What if you're NOT the problem with your sex life?What if the things that you've been taught have messed things up--and what if there's a way to escape these messages?
Welcome to the Great Sex Rescue. Order Now! The Challenges of this Kind of AngerWe can make it too personal, and reject important people in our lives who were just as much under the bondage of the teachings as we were. Those who messed us up likely had others who messed them up too. That’s why seeing this as a cultural movement is so important. It wasn’t Josh Harris’ fault. It wasn’t your parents’ fault. It wasn’t your church’s fault. It was the culture.
Now, that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t have known better. That doesn’t mean that you have to choose to associate with them anymore. You can switch to a healthy church (and in many cases, you should!). You can limit your time with your parents if they are toxic. You can unfriend your youth pastor on Facebook. They should have protected you better.
But they didn’t invent the culture, either.
So often we associate God with those who taught us, because it was from them that we learned about God. What Rebecca and Joanna and I were desperately trying to do in The Great Sex Rescue was to show that these teachings were not of God at all. This was not God’s heart. He wants real intimacy, and that’s what He designed us for and sex for.
But I know for some that’s too big a chasm to cross right now. To you, let me just say: Don’t stop asking questions. I believe that God is there, and He wants to walk with you through those questions. He’s big enough to take it. And even if you’re having a hard time with God right now, maybe ask: is this because of God himself, or because of what people taught me about Him? What I often suggest to people struggling with this is just read the gospels. Forget everything else for a time, especially since that may have bad connotations to you. Just look at Jesus. Try to get rid of preconceived notions and just look at Him. What do you see?
On a personal note, one of the reasons I had to turn off the computer this weekend is how much I’ve been struggling with anger and disappointment and frustration, and some of it is aimed at individuals. I don’t mind people teaching the wrong stuff–we were all wrapped up in a culture that did that. But once you know better, you should do better. What dismays me is the number of teachers who have been shown, “hey, what you said here actually really hurts people,” and instead of apologizing they double down and say we’re wrong. The lack of compassion for real life people who are being hurt is stunning to me. It is that that challenges my faith, far more than the teachings in the first place. And I do struggle.
But that’s when I have to see that the church is so much bigger than those individuals. The work of God is not confined to the bigger name teachers.
And when I can read the stories of people finding their voices, of people recognizing real health and truth, that is a marvelous thing.
A final word to those who feel more helplessCan you do an exercise for me? Picture yourself at 10. Picture how small you were. Think about what your favourite toy was. Did you have a blanket or a teddy bear that you slept with every night?
Now follow little you for the next few years. What was she–or he–taught? What did you hear in youth group? What scared you? What made you feel ashamed? Did someone hurt you?
If you were able to go back in time to when you were 10, or 12, or 14, what would you do to little you? Would you wrap your arms around her and tell her she’s beautiful, it’s not your fault, avoid X like the plague? Would you give him a pep talk that said you’re a real man NOW. You don’t have to struggle so much to fit the mold?
If you could have compassion on younger you, then can you also have compassion on older you? Because that’s really what this kind of anger is–compassion for those who have suffered injustice.
Compassion for those who were made to feel ashamed of their bodies, and so never figured out arousal or figured out libido.
Compassion for those who were made to feel their own sexual assault was their fault.
Compassion for those who experienced sexual pain, and felt like failures because they couldn’t fulfill their husbands’ needs.
Compassion for those who weren’t taught properly about porn, and now it’s eaten so many years of their marriage.
Can you have that kind of compassion? And then go back and read the first post about what sexual confidence is. It’s just accepting where you are, right now.
It’s not your fault. You can move forward. And I hope that I can give you a glimmer of hope that it’s possible!
What do you think? Are you in the hopeless camp, the angry camp, or another camp? How can be angry in a healthy way? Let’s talk in the comments!
Other Posts in the Sexual Confidence Series:3 Markers of Sexual Confidence (especially in women)4 Markers of a Sexually Confident ManKnowing that Sex is for You TooHow to Feel Confident when You're Married to a Porn UserDid You Grow up Embarrassed to Be Female?5 Keys to Sexual Confidence after Menopause4 Keys to Sexual Confidence as the Higher Drive WifeSexual Confidence Doesn't Mean You're Willing to Try Anything in BedDo you need to get angry at what purity culture stole from you?Let's Talk Vulvas! Feeling confident about your genitalsYou may also enjoy:The Orgasm CourseThe Great Sex Rescue
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila has been married to Keith for 28 years, and happily married for 25! (It took a while to adjust). She’s also an award-winning author of 8 books, including The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex and marriage to line up with kingdom principles. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts Next Steps after Reading The Great Sex RescueNov 9, 2021 | 18 Comments
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