Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 10

PODCAST: How Many Christian Men Are Safe? Plus What Masculinity Is!

It’s time to talk to the guys today–and look at what masculinity really is!

On the last Thursday of every month I like to aim the podcasts more at men (though of course women can get a lot of them too!).

And today we tackled safe masculinity, or what true masculinity is.

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Timeline of the Podcast

1:30 What are safe men, and how many are there?
10:30 Habits go in pockets
13:20 Keith’s article on the ‘Effeminacy of Christianity”
22:45 Consent vs Power
27:30 ‘The Tie-Breaker’
34:35 The myth of the masculine Christ
42:20 Feminization of the church

How Many Christian Men Are Safe?

We talked about the findings from our survey, as described in this post last week on how many Christian guys are sexually safe. 

The criteria was:

Doesn’t watch pornDoesn’t lust in any of the scenarios we gave them on our surveyDoesn’t believe the obligation sex messageDoes make his wife’s pleasure a priority

One of the big things I wanted to talk about was how habits tend to go in pockets–not every church has that many guys who use porn. It’s more like 80% in some churches and 20% in others (this is just my theory; our survey couldn’t show that). So I’d advise getting to a church that IS healthy, because we did find that porn use tends to correlate with certain beliefs, so if you go to a church that rejects those beliefs, you’ll find less porn!

What is Real Masculinity?

Keith shared his awesome post on true masculinity, and it’s quite powerful to see him speaking it into the camera (or hearing him read it!)

Then Connor, Keith and I talked for a bit about how a guy shared a Facebook post of mine this week, introducing it by saying that I’m in authority and power over Keith. So we all laughed about that, because it seems as if people who believe men have to be in charge can’t picture a relationship where two people honestly function as equals. They assume that if HE isn’t in charge, then SHE must be.

Nope. You can actually function really well without a tie-breaker! 

After that, Keith and Connor discussed his article and what real masculinity means. 

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And let's make these the go-to wedding shower gifts!

Order Now Things Mentioned in This Podcast:Our Patreon–support us for as little as $5 a month and join our awesome exclusive Facebook group, get unfiltered podcasts, and more!Our two new books–The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex and The Good Girl’s Guide to Great SexKeith’s article on toxic masculinityOur article on how many men are sexually safe

What do you think? How can we change the conversation about masculinity in the church? How do we fight back against the charge that we’re saying men are bad? Let’s talk in the comments!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila is determined to help Christians find BIBLICAL, HEALTHY, EVIDENCE-BASED help for their marriage. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts Echoes of Menstruation: Spoken Word Poetry

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Real Men are not Bullies: Let’s Talk about the Church’s View of Masculinity

Every now and then my husband has something he really needs to get off of his chest, and this is one of those days!

So I’m going to turn the blog over to him today, because he’d like to talk about masculinity.

We’ll be talking about this on tomorrow’s Bare Marriage podcast, too, so tune in to that as well!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Time for me to go on rampage about “Biblical” manhood and womanhood again.

Today, I had planned to write an inspirational post about how we as men can make a big difference by speaking up about the things Sheila has found in her studies. God willing, I might get to that by the end of the post. But Sheila knocked me off course (and got my blood pressure up a bit) by sending me a link to an article called “The Masculinity of Christ in the Face of Effeminate Christianity” by someone named Dale Partridge.

The article is the same old, tired rant.

Apparently men are deserting the church because we have feminized it and we must realize that “Christianity is not an egalitarian religion” and get back to patriarchy as soon as possible if we are to have any hope for the future.

It instantly reminded me of a similar article published a couple of years ago on the Desiring God website called “The Future of Masculinity” by Greg Morse. Both articles are permeated with the idea that men are supposed to be “in charge”, dangerous and a little bit scary. Anything less is not a true man.

In Morse’s article he mourns the fact that “today’s ‘virtuous man’ is depicted as much more virtue than man”, while Partridge similarly opines that “any form of masculinity that doesn’t adhere to the world’s standard is deemed “toxic.” Both then try to show how Jesus should not be seen the way “effeminate culture” wants to portray Him, but as truly masculine (i.e. the narrow way they see masculinity).

But here’s the problem: Forget masculine or feminine; we know that Jesus was good .

If your view of masculinity sets it in opposition to virtue, it is by definition in opposition to Jesus. Men who write articles like this are usually the first to accuse people who disagree with them of reading their preconceived notions into the text of the Bible. How do they not see they are doing the exact same thing here? They seem to have a great need to project their preconceived view of masculinity onto Jesus rather than letting Jesus inform their masculinity (and in the process maybe learn how to be a man and not be toxic).

Partridge (in a superscript) references the Wikipedia page on “Toxic Masculinity”, giving an example of what the “world’s standard” is vis-a-vis masculinity – you know, the one we must avoid. The Wiki article clearly states which of the elements of traditional masculinity are considered toxic – “stereotypes of men as socially dominant, along with…misogyny and homophobia”. And it also explains why: “due in part to their promotion of violence, including sexual assault and domestic violence”.

So which of “social dominance, misogyny, homophobia, sexual assault and domestic violence” are the non-negotiables these men are advocating for us to endorse?

Morse describes the pitiable watered-down non-toxic man this way: “He is compliant, deferential, and soft. He is nice. He works his job, pays his taxes, keeps his head down, and avoids scandal and, by all means, anything that could be called “abuse.”

Consider what Morse is saying – if a man is nice, works his job and pays his taxes he is not really a man.

No, to be a real man, he has to be dangerous, even to the point of crossing the line to things ‘that could be called “abuse”’. The Wiki article Partridge references grants that “traditionally masculine traits such as devotion to work, pride in excelling at sports, and providing for one’s family, are not considered to be toxic”.

Unfortunately, that is simply not enough for the kind of men who write these articles. No, to them real men must be “alpha males” who control and dominate. And we men who don’t feel that need? Well, my friend, we are all relegated to “beta male” status. I have a couple of problems with this. First, the alpha/beta male thing is total nonsense (as this humorous video shows)

But even worse, by their own definition the sort of men who clamour for female submission are clearly much less manly than the men who don’t do so.

To me, men who need to make women small in order to feel like a man actually have no idea what it means to be a man. If being a man means having courage, taking responsibility and doing what needs to be done then we regular males are out-pacing all you “alpha males” by a large margin. If you want to be courageous, try living in a world where you don’t get any freebies by being a man, where you are judged by the merits of your contribution rather than by the fact that you were born with a penis.  We – the majority of men – have been doing that for some time now without really finding it to be an issue.

Only weak men fear and shame women for being strong.

This was shown scientifically in a study from 2015 of players of the video game HALO.  The study found that male players who did poorly became increasingly hostile to female players who were more successful than they were. But the men with the skills? They had no problem with the women being allowed on the field!

 

The kind of men who write articles like this reveal their insecurity in their need to “genderize” virtue in the first place.

Partridge makes a huge point that Jesus displayed masculinity by His great courage in saying “Behold, we are going up to Jerusalem.”  In saying this was courageous, I agree with Partridge completely. Given that Jesus knew what was going to happen to Him, the unflinching resolve He displayed is a tremendous inspiration to us all, male and female alike.  But Partridge’s claim that “of all the statements demonstrating the raw masculinity recorded in human history, there is none remotely more courageous” falls on deaf ears to me. How was this a uniquely masculine act?

Can women not resolve to do things that require courage?

What about the women at Christianity Today who got up and went to work every morning for years knowing their boss was likely going to sexually harass them, but also knowing the head of HR was his golfing buddy so there was nowhere to turn for help?  What about Eileen Gray, who steeled herself to go before Rev. John MacArthur and the men on the church elder’s board to seek help from her abusive husband? I am sure she feared what would happen if they didn’t listen. (And in fact, MacArthur publicly shamed and excommunicated her for not taking her abuser back!)

To me, these examples of courage have more in common with Jesus’ utterance of “Behold we are going up to Jerusalem” than anything I have seen coming out of the bastions of male dominance lately. But, shamefully, men like Partridge and Morse are too busy telling women how much Jesus is not like them that they miss it entirely when Jesus shows Himself in them.

Simply put, men who are confident in their masculinity don’t feel like women are “treading on our turf” when they are courageous, too.

We don’t feel it necessary to distinguish how she was brave or strong or virtuous in a feminine way, but the way we were brave or strong or virtuous was particularly masculine. Maybe it is high time for us to let these authors know that when they talk like that, they just come across as silly and frankly a bit pathetic.

You may also enjoy:Our Jesus and John Wayne podcast with Kristin Du MezThe Slippery Slope of Male Hierarchy TheologyWhy Lust isn’t Part of Being Manly So, I guess this is my inspirational call to men who are reading this:

Most of us are not toxic and don’t particularly find that a hardship. Most of us are not ashamed to be like the One who called Himself “gentle and humble of heart”, the One who said “turn the other cheek”, the One who said “not so among you” about ruling over others.  Most of us are confident in our masculinity without needing to make women feel small or afraid or that somehow they are less like Jesus than we are. Most of us think that being a bully is the opposite of being a man.

Let’s stop letting these bullies claim they speak for Jesus.

Let’s stop letting people who have told us they need an uneven playing field or they will take their ball and go home to think they can give lessons in masculinity. And most of all, let’s stand up for our sisters if we ever see these bullies try to pick on them again.

What do you think? Where has evangelicalism veered off course with masculinity? How can we bring it back? And is there a difference between “feminine” courage and “masculine” courage? Let’s talk in the comments!

Keith Gregoire

Blog and Podcast Contributor, Co-Author with Sheila of two upcoming marriage books

Keith is the rock that supports Sheila, who runs this blog! Sheila and Keith married when Keith was attending Queen's University medical school in Kingston, Ontario. He later completed his residency in pediatrics at the Hospital for Sick Children, and has since directed the pediatric undergraduate program at Queen's University, and been Chief of Pediatrics at a community hospital in Belleville, Ontario. He and Sheila speak at marriage conferences around the world, and together they've also done medical missions in Kenya. Next up: They're authoring The Guy's Guide to Great Sex together! Plus, of course, he's an avid birdwatcher. Related Posts PODCAST: Echoes of Menstruation? Really, Focus on the Family?

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The Great Sex Rescue got in Mainstream American Christian Media!

Baptist News covered The Great Sex Rescue–and had a great interview with a pastor!

One of our frustrations with publicity for The Great Sex Rescue is that mainstream American Christian outlets (magazines, websites, radio shows, etc.) won’t cover it.

In other countries, the opposite is the case! Faith Today, Canada’s evangelical magazine, jumped on Great Sex Rescue immediately and had a review and then later a favorable article. Premier Christian Network Radio in the UK had me on several shows, and Woman Alive UK featured The Great Sex Rescue. Big Australian Christian radio shows have also featured us.

But in the U.S., we’ve mostly been featured on hundreds and hundreds of small podcasts, and in the more progressive media, like Fathom Mag, Relevant, and Sojourners. The biggest mainstream Christian radio shows won’t touch us, nor will the biggest Christian magazines (though Kate Shellnutt from Christianity Today has mentioned us several times in other articles!).

When you do the largest study that’s ever been done of Christian women’s marital and sexual satisfaction, you’d think more news outlets would be interested in it. But in the U.S., there’s largely been an embargo in mainstream media, likely because we challenge the evangelical industrial complex by calling out some of our bestsellers and holding them to account.

So I was thrilled when Baptist News decided to do an article on our book after the one year anniversary.

After explaining all about the book, and our study and our findings, they write this:

A Dallas-area minister said his encounter with The Great Sex Rescue last year transformed his preaching and teaching about sex as well as his relationship with his wife.

“All of a sudden, we became very well aware that we had heard and believed some things that were not based in truth,” said Brian Treadaway, senior pastor at Vertical Church in Ovilla, Texas.

One of those things was a classic belief identified in the book, he said. “For many, many years it was just an understood principle that every man struggles with lust and therefore you might as well adjust and give in, and that you are always going to battle with this. I just believed that was going to be my lot in life. From the wife’s side, the subtext was that it was her responsibility to provide intimacy for the husband so he won’t lust. And if he does, it pretty much is your fault.”

Treadaway said he had taught from some of the books identified as red flags in Gregoire’s project. “I taught all those things, that this is just the way it’s going to be.”

But that all has been transformed since reading The Great Sex Rescue, he said. “It has revolutionized how we counsel and how I preach and teach.”

And it has deepened his marriage, as well, he added. “It led into a lot of open conversations and transformed our relationship. Some of those discussions were difficult and painful, but they became very joyful and fruitful.”

Jeff Brumley

The Great Sex Rescue throws a lifeline to evangelical women, Baptist News

That’s just so encouraging to hear! And please, read the whole article. It’s great (and super encouraging for us).

A number of people have sent me Pastor Treadaway’s sermons when he’s mentioned the book, too, and it sounds like the book is having quite the impact in his church! They’ve also used our FREE 8-week video study that goes along with the book in a woman’s group, and I heard this from one of the leaders:

My Pastor’s wife and I led a study on The Great Sex Rescue with a group of women. We used your 8 week video course to help us facilitate conversation. We also had it at her house to make it more comfortable and inviting. We made every lady a binder with printouts of the questions and room to write notes, so they could keep everything in one place. When I tell you this was a life-changing study, I mean it. All of the ladies came from different backgrounds in life, but had all heard the same messages growing up. This really opened up their eyes to the reality that there is something better for their lives as wives. We even had a mom/daughter duo taking the class together! It was just absolutely beautiful to see how God moved in these ladies and how their minds were turned on. They were actually able to start thinking about these issues for themselves! We are planning to do the study again soon with another group of women.

Alexa Walther

Vertical Church, Ovilla, TX

I love hearing how The Great Sex Rescue is transforming whole communities. And I love that it’s spreading so much, even if big websites keep up their embargo on us.

Because freedom always wins out! And God is doing such a big movement right now in the evangelical church, of which Great Sex Rescue is only a very small part. But God is shaking things up, because we’ve gone so far off course with how we treat each other and how we view sex and marriage and power. And I think the shaking will continue until something new is birthed and people have a safe place to worship Him in spirit and in truth once again.

So thank you to Baptist News for covering this! Thank you to Vertical Church for being so open and humble. And thank you to all who are spreading the word!

And if you want to lead a group of friends through our 8 week study, you can access it right here! 

What if you're NOT the problem with your sex life?

What if the messages that you've been taught have messed things up--and what if there's a way to escape these toxic teachings?

It's time for a Great Sex Rescue. Buy it on Amazon! Where Else Can I Buy It? Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila is determined to help Christians find BIBLICAL, HEALTHY, EVIDENCE-BASED help for their marriage. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts What’s Next with Our Research on Sex, Marriage, and Gender

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When Going to Church Leads to Worse Outcomes for Teen Girls

On almost every measure, church attendance is good for you.

Researchers have consistently found that religiosity is positively correlated with better mental health, better health overall, better relationships, and even longevity.

BUT–and there’s a very big but coming–not all religiosity is the same.

When researchers say “religiosity“, they mean every person who says they actively practice a religion. 

When researchers say “Christian“, they tend to mean every person who claims to be a Christian on a form. 

When researchers say “church-goers“, they tend to mean every person who goes to a Christian church of any denomination. 

When those of us in the evangelical tradition hear those words, though, we tend to picture people who go to evangelical churches, even though those words encompass so much more. Those who are active in an evangelical church are actually a small part of those who would call themselves “church-goers”, “Christian”, or “religious”. “Christian” and “Church-goers”, for instance, encompasses Catholics and mainline Protestants, and not just evangelicals. And those other groups are very large.

So today I’d like to take you through some of what we’re doing as we’re writing our mother-daughter book about the impacts of growing up in an evangelical church.

Our mother-daughter book (very tentatively called She Deserves Better) is due in at the publishers on Friday.

You have absolutely no idea how much that date has been circled on my calendar, dancing through my dreams, basically defining a new stage of my life.

Since September of 2019 we have been working non-stop writing these books. We have not come up for air. Though I’ve had one big vacation in that time (our cruise three weeks before COVID), even on that cruise I had to write for two hours a day.

We’ve written four books in that time; we’ve conducted three huge surveys; we’ve launched four books (because 31 Days to Great Sex launched over that time period as well!) and one big course (our Orgasm Course). And as much as I think these books are important, I find writing books much more challenging than blog posts or social media. I am just so looking forward to getting back to being able to CHOOSE what I do every day, instead of having looming deadlines.

Keith and I are also under contract for a marriage book, which will likely involve the most complicated survey we’ve done to date, but we’ve delayed that for a year because I need a break.

This week, then, is our final stretch.

We still have the editing process, but this is our final writing stretch. I’m going over to Rebecca’s everyday and we’re just going to slog through.

But let me tell you about something that we wrote in the introduction last week, that explains much of what we found in our surveys.

And to begin, let me give you another glimpse into how we wrote the surveys, and why doing this to academic standards matters.

In survey development, there’s something called “previously validated question sets”.

What this means is that, if you’re going to measure something (self-esteem in our case), it’s best to use question sets that have already been used before in other studies and have been validated to actually measure self-esteem accurately and well.

If question sets have been found to work, then don’t reinvent the wheel. Use the same question sets.

We did that for marital satisfaction for our other surveys, and we used a question set about sexual satisfaction that was validated for use in other conservatively religious populations.

And by “we”, I mostly mean Joanna, my co-author, and Rebecca. They’re the ones who know this stuff. I just get to take credit for it.

Anyway, we used a large question set that measures self-esteem, so that we could measure how certain common evangelical teachings aimed at teen girls impacted their self-esteem in high school and impacted them today.

Here’s why this is really cool: Because other studies have also used the same question sets, we now have a variety of outcomes we can infer.

Let’s say there was another study using the same self-esteem scale in high school but looking at how self-esteem in high school was linked to job satisfaction, or income level, or chance of divorce. Or perhaps it was linked to mental health outcomes! Because we used the same scale, we can look at other peer reviewed studies that measured other things, and we can draw similar conclusions.

And what studies have found is that self-esteem is highly correlated with lots of good things, and low self-esteem is highly correlated with lots of bad things.

So when we find that certain beliefs when you’re a teen are correlated with drops in self-esteem, that tells us something about all kinds of different outcomes, beyond just the sexual satisfaction and marital satisfaction ones that we measured ourselves.

And believe me–it ain’t pretty.

Which brings me to the point of today’s post:

We found that for some outcomes, not going to church is better than going to church.

Basically, when it comes to the effects on self-esteem that many of the beliefs have, the order is:

Order of Self-Esteem Outcomes By Believing Harmful Teachings about Modesty as TeensBEST: Go to church, but don’t believe these thingsNEXT: Don’t go to church, and don’t believe these thingsWORST: Go to church, and believe these things (or don’t go to church and believe these things)

It isn’t true for every belief, but for many of them, such as the modesty messages we measured, it definitely is.

Now, this is only about self-esteem, and not about faith.

But let’s do a little math for a second. Remember when you learned averages back in grades 5 or 6? Averages mean that some things are pulling you up, and some things are pulling you down, and the average is where things even out.

Well, we know two things:

Religiosity is very beneficial for self-esteem  (AVERAGE)Going to a church which teaches certain bad modesty messages is bad for self-esteem (PULLING THE AVERAGE DOWN)

Let’s put on our math caps for a second: if the average is beneficial, but these churches are pulling things down, then by definition there must be something else pulling things UP. 

This is what many in evangelicalism are refusing to see:

There are healthy churches, and healthy expressions of faith in Christ, that do not hurt. And there are A LOT of them. 

There have to be a lot to pull that average up! And that’s what we found as well. Going to church as a whole is good for teens; believing this stuff is not. So there are many, many churches which do not teach this stuff, which do not make this a main point of what they teach their teens, which do not hurt. 

When our family was attending churches that did teach this stuff, we felt like we didn’t have a choice.

I worried that other churches didn’t believe the Bible or didn’t know Jesus. But when I actually left the denominations that taught that, and started looking at other churches, I found health–and I also found Jesus.

I’m going to head over to Rebecca’s in a moment to finish up writing this book, but I just want you all to know that there is hope. There are churches that are healthy. There are places that do not heap burdens on you, but instead value you. And the more we realize that and stop thinking we all have to put up with toxicity, because it’s the only way to still have Jesus, the more these healthy places will grow.

** BONUS assignment:

I haven’t had time to respond to this, because of our writing deadline, but in the next two weeks or so, once we’re finished, I’d like to respond to this article by pastor Josh Howerton about how evangelicals do better on every measure. He claims he’s sharing “True Stats”, but I challenge you all to read that article, and leave some of your critiques in the comments here. I’m curious to see if some of you notice what Joanna and I did when we took a look! So take what you learned from this post, and what you’ve learned from other things I’ve said, and see if you can find some problems with what he’s arguing.

Finally, just as an example of how bad things can be, a Fixed It For You I posted last night on Instagram: 

Seriously, is it any wonder that some churches do harm? And while this is extreme, many churches do teach a form of this. And it has very, very bad outcomes for teen girls!

We can do better. And I do hope our books help put the church on a healthier trajectory, by teaching women especially that they have a choice, and they don’t have to put up with this kind of toxicity.

What if you're NOT the problem with your sex life?

What if the messages that you've been taught have messed things up--and what if there's a way to escape these toxic teachings?

It's time for a Great Sex Rescue. Buy it on Amazon! Where Else Can I Buy It?

What do you think? See anything wrong with Josh Howerton’s article? How does church affect self-esteem? Let’s talk in the comments!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila is determined to help Christians find BIBLICAL, HEALTHY, EVIDENCE-BASED help for their marriage. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts Who is Safer to Date: Christian Men or Secular Men?

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Echoes of Menstruation: Spoken Word Poetry

Let’s talk about the echoes of menstruation.

Yesterday on the podcast, we were discussing how Focus on the Family’s PluggedIn movie review of Turning Red put references to preteen girls’ periods under “sexual content”, and warned that the title of the movie had an “echo of menstruation.”

We thought that sounded like a great band name, or that it deserved a spoken word poetry recitation, and so we added one to the podcast.

Many have asked to have just the poem made into a video, and to have the words written out. And so, in today’s post, I shall oblige.

 

This video is actually the perfect blend of both of my daughters.

Rebecca and I wrote it together in about 10 minutes (Rebecca’s words: “if it takes more than 10 minutes we’re doing it wrong.”) And then she performed it, and Katie edited the video. Katie definitely spent far more time at this than anyone else!

And here are the words:

The Echoes of Menstruation

by Rebecca Lindenbach and Sheila Wray Gregoire
Originally Performed by Rebecca Lindenbach

Drip, drip, drip, GUSH.
Sitting in a dark grey stall
Holding in my hands the loudest piece of plastic ever mass produced.
The wings on a maxipad.
I open it.
Rip.
The sounds reverberate.
It is unmistakable.
Everyone in that airport bathroom hears the echoes of menstruation.

Walk, Skip, Laugh, Smile.
I’m 14 years old and John has just asked me to the school dance next Saturday
With a spring in my step I do a twirl
His eyes light up in horror
I feel the warmth spread.
The betrayal. The shame. All over my white jeans.
He assures me it is okay
But in his eyes I see echoes of menstruation.

Slam, Lock, Sit, Gasp.
On the porcelain throne I hover,
Tampon already in hand
As I realize, in horror, the guest bathroom garbage can is empty.
Gilded faucets and monogramed towels taunt me.
I’m the only one here; they’ll know it is mine.
I wrap it twenty times in toilet paper and hope they do not recognize
the echoes of menstruation.

For generations upon generations
Women have been bonded by this dot.
Period. Aunt Flow. A visiting Friend. Does the red peony bloom?
We all share it, but we must hide it.
For we know that if they knew, they would never take us seriously.
We know that if they knew, they would say we were just hormonal.
We know that if they knew, they would find us weak.
Instead, we cramp in silence. We bleed with a smile on our face.
Because, as Focus on the Family says, we must be warned
against even an echo of menstruation.

You're telling me WHAT goes WHERE?!

Talking about sex with your kids doesn't always go smoothly. 

That's why we created The Whole Story, our online course that walks parents through the tough conversations and does the hard parts for you!

Learn More! Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila is determined to help Christians find BIBLICAL, HEALTHY, EVIDENCE-BASED help for their marriage. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts How Many Christian Men Are Sexually Safe Husbands?

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The post Echoes of Menstruation: Spoken Word Poetry appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

PODCAST: Echoes of Menstruation? Really, Focus on the Family?

So apparently preteen girls’ cramps and pads are sexual, according to Focus on the Family.

We have a little bit of a detour today because something blew up last week that I just had to address!

Rebecca noticed that in Focus on the Family’s PluggedIn movie review for Turning Red, they had put references to menstruation under “sexual content”, including cramps and pads. And they warned that some people may hear an “echo of menstruation” in the title of the film.

I posted about this on Twitter, Facebook, and instagram, and it blew up–and Focus on the Family actually amended their review! It’s not perfect, but it’s a start–and it’s the first time they’ve ever listened to me. So I’ll take that as a win (although I wish they’d listened to me about Love & Respect).

Today, we decided to share about why we thought this whole thing was inappropriate and shaming.

(Please note: This podcast is NOT about the movie Turning Red. We haven’t seen it; we have no plans to see it (we’re not the target audience). So this isn’t an endorsement or it, nor is it a critique of it. We merely want to talk about how Focus on the Family talks about periods!)

Listen to the Podcast Here

Browse all the Different Podcasts

See the Last “Start Your Engines” (Men’s) Podcast

Or, as always, you can watch on YouTube:

 

And you really should watch, if just for Rebecca’s beat poetry! Just check out the timestamps.

Timeline of the Podcast

0:10 Periods are sexy, apparently.
7:19 Rebecca’s “Echoes of Menstruation” Beat Poetry
9:10 Interview with Kyle Howard
35:20 Rebecca breaks down ‘othering’
44:30 Private vs Secret
48:00 Your kids deserve the whole story
56:30 Keith weighs in

Main Segment: Why Does Focus on the Family Consider Preteen Girls’ Cramps and Pads “Sexual”?

Originally I talked about this on Instagram and Twitter, with these updates: 

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Sheila Gregoire (@sheilagregoire)

So Focus on the Family labels “menstrual pads” and talking about cramps as sexual content, according to their Plugged In movie review of Turning Red.

So anything to do with a young teen girl’s body is therefore sexual.

Is that the rule now? Gotcha.https://t.co/j7MoQYMt6k

— Sheila Gregoire--The Great Sex Rescue is here! (@sheilagregoire) March 17, 2022

Here was the original review that we were referring to. Note how the warning about menstruation comes under “sexual content”, and is flanked by paragraphs that are about relationships and fantasy and what we would more likely consider normal sexual content. 

After the uproar, they did amend their review, to add a different introduction to the topic, and for that I’m glad:

But it should not have been done in the first place.

In today’s podcast, we bring on Kyle Howard, who participated in the Twitter thread quite a bit and agreed that the problem is that it’s inviting people to sexualize little girls’ bodies simply because they are now having periods. Kyle is a soul-care provider, abuse advocate, and racial trauma specialist, and he’s a great follow on Twitter! 

We talked about how language has changed, and just because something has to do with the reproductive system does not mean it is sexual. For instance, in the review, they make reference to cleaning the labia as being sexual. But baby girls have labia too.

There’s a huge issue in the church with ascribing sexual motives to girls simply because they’ve reached puberty, or now have breasts. We assume they’re trying to flaunt their bodies when they’re merely getting busty. We assume that they’re trying to entice or be stumbling blocks when they’re merely attractive. And we should never invite others to see preteen and young teen girls as “sexual”.

We should also not make menstruation so taboo, that it needs to be “hush hush”.

We reiterated throughout the podcast that we would have had no problem if they had put the menstruation warning under “other” topics, or under “parental guidance”, because parents may want a heads up about this, and that’s fine. But it shouldn’t have been labelled sexual. We need to stop people sexualizing young girls merely because of their bodies.

 

You're telling me WHAT goes WHERE?!

Talking about sex with your kids doesn't always go smoothly. 

That's why we created The Whole Story, our online course that walks parents through the tough conversations and does the hard parts for you!

Learn More! Things Mentioned in This Podcast:Our Patreon: Support our research for as little as $5 a month!Kyle Howard on TwitterCurrent review of Turning Red, and Original Review of Turning RedThe Whole Story Puberty Course: A way to talk about periods and sex with your kids (there’s an older version and a younger version!)Our Period Series, starting with the article about teenage mortification and youth groups Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila is determined to help Christians find BIBLICAL, HEALTHY, EVIDENCE-BASED help for their marriage. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts On Christianity Today, Plagiarism Culture, and Feeling Erased

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What’s Next with Our Research on Sex, Marriage, and Gender

Everyday I get more questions about our survey, and about our data, and what we’ll be studying next!

I thought I’d try to answer that today in one central place.

We’ve done the largest and most comprehensive studies of marriage and sex on evangelical populations, and I know there’s been a lot of interest in our data.

Here are the surveys we’ve done:20,000+ women that formed the basis of The Great Sex Rescue (at least 130 questions)1,800 women (part of the 20,000) in a follow-up survey (20 questions)3,000 men that formed the basis of The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex and The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex (along with the other survey data) (at least 90 questions)7,500 women that will form the basis for our mother-daughter book, looking at how teenage experiences at church impact self-esteem, future relationships, and well-being (at least 110 questions)

We also are planning a completely different kind of survey for a marriage book coming up, but I’m going to keep that one under wraps for now!

I frequently get asked if we’ll look into other things--for instance how evangelical women or men compare with secular women or men–and while we’d love to, we have no specific plans for that. If I were to do more research, I’d really like to focus more on sexual debuts, and double down more on how the earliest experiences of sex affect one’s sexual satisfaction over the lifetime, so that we could teach couples better about how to start.

We likely will help a group of friends do a survey on divorce soon, but we ourselves don’t have a lot of plans to do too much more, because we’re already sitting on so much data that we haven’t mined yet.

How is the academic world receiving our data?

We have ethics approval from Queen’s University in Kingston, Ontario, to submit peer reviewed publications. We’re currently working on two big ones in collaboration with other academics: One with Physical Therapy professor Lori Mize from the University of Southern Arkansas regarding our findings on vaginismus, and one with Andrew Whitehead of Purdue University on our findings as a whole from our women’s dataset.

Those papers are on hold because we have a book deadline of April 1, plus Joanna is moving from the Arctic to Edmonton, but we’re hoping to get going on that in May!

In the meantime, we have presented at the American Physical Therapy Convention in February, and The Great Sex Rescue was favorably reviewed in the October issue of the Journal of Women’s Health Physical Therapy. 

The American subset of our women’s dataset, scrubbed of all identifying details, is also available at the ARDA for other researchers and journalists to use. Joanna had to write 1500 lines of code to get it ready, so that’s pretty amazing!

“Can I See Your Dataset for Myself?”

We get this question a lot, too, and one of the authors that we have been critiquing has also said that she is planning on reviewing our data to make sure we did things properly.

I think, quite frankly, that this represents a deep misunderstanding of how academia works, and also the nature of the dataset that we have.

1. We aren’t ethically allowed to share the dataset.

Part of getting ethics approval to pursue peer review is that we keep our dataset under wraps, because there is specific identifying information in it. We had to promise that we would keep it secure, password protected, and on computers rather than in the cloud. We put only a subset of our respondents and variables inot the dataset that went to the ARDA to protect confidentiality. If anyone wants to look at our dataset, that subset is what we can share ethically and it is already available on the ARDA

2. Our work is a “study”, not just a “survey”, because our primary findings are about not just frequency stats.

Let me explain the difference using Shaunti Feldhahn’s work as a comparison. Shaunti surveyed 1000 people in different nationally representative surveys (so she did not survey only married people or only Christians) for her books For Men Only, For Women Only , For Young Men Only, For Young Women Only. Her survey was only frequency numbers. She’d ask a question, like “do you prefer to be alone and unloved or inadequate and disrespected?”, and then she’d report how many answered each way. But she never took people who answered a certain way on one question to see how that affected their other answers.

For instance, when we tell you that women who believe the obligation sex message have a higher risk of vaginismus, those aren’t frequency stats but odds ratios. We have to look at the chance of vaginismus overall, and then the chance if you believe the obligation sex message when you get married, and then the chance if you don’t believe the obligation sex message when you get married. So we’re looking at just a subset of the data to see how things affect one another.

That’s a whole different level of analysis. You have to know how to measure confidence intervals, and how to tell if something is statistically significant or not. That’s what makes it a “study”.

3. Without a full stats education, you wouldn’t even be able to do anything with our dataset.

Again, this is not a simple frequency survey. This is a full-blown study. And as such, we’re using high level stats software to get our results. Joanna has written thousands of lines of code.

When people ask to see our dataset, Joanna is a little flabbergasted, because here is what the dataset looks like (this is a snapshot of non-identifying bits):

Think of twenty-thousand lines that look like that, spanning over 130 columns.

To even get it usable, Joanna writes lines of code using our operational definitions, which we’ve decided on beforehand after a thorough literature review, and it looks like this:

Once Joanna writes some code, she can get it in this form:

What people want, I think, is to see the dataset in pretty tables with all of Joanna’s code. But you see–we’ve done that. It’s in the books. And so that honestly is the best place to see our dataset. Here’s a chart from The Great Sex Rescue where we found a way to make it easier to interpret those tables:

Women Who Feel Their Voice Matters in Marriage Report Better Sex

 

When people say that they want to evaluate our dataset, and they honestly don’t know how to use stats, they’re actually being quite rude to Joanna, to be frank.

I couldn’t do the stuff Joanna does. This is high level stuff. For instance, here is a quick tutorial from Princeton University on how to use the main software that would be required. In order to be able to do anything with our dataset, this would have to look intuitive and obvious to you.

I know that the authors who are critiquing us and saying that they will look at our dataset and explain what we have done wrong do not have the education to understand Stata. So when you hear people saying that, please remember that this is a whole new level of statistical analysis. The only people qualified to speak on our research are people who understand this level of analysis. And we have already passed those tests with our acceptance in the ARDA and our work on the presentations with vaginismus.

4. Putting our dataset in the ARDA was a huge deal

I’m not sure if people understand this, but having this amount of data that can be worked with is actually worth a fair amount of money. Any one of the three of us could walk into a university with this data and be virtually guaranteed to get into a Ph.d. program, with funding. In fact, we’d have funding for the rest of our lives.

But we put it up at the ARDA for others to use because we felt it was important enough that other people get to work with our data too.

However, it is up at a place where academics, who know how to handle this kind of data, can access it. That’s the proper way to do it.

Will we be looking for other partnerships?

We would actually love some partnerships, because we’d love to get more peer reviewed papers out, but we only have so much time, and Joanna, who is our expert, is also the stay at home mom to two toddlers. So time is limited.

We would specifically be looking for professors or grad students who are willing to take the lead on some of this, and who are familiar with STATA, SPSS, SAS, etc, or at least would want to do literature reviews. We also have qualitative analysis that could be done on our focus groups, but again, it would have to be someone affiliated with a university working towards a peer reviewed paper. If you know of such a person, just let me know!

What if you're NOT the problem with your sex life?

What if the messages that you've been taught have messed things up--and what if there's a way to escape these toxic teachings?

It's time for a Great Sex Rescue. Buy it on Amazon! Where Else Can I Buy It?

I do get asked about all of this quite a bit, and I wanted to have a quick post that we could send people to in order to understand what we’ve done.

And can I just take a moment to say how utterly in awe of Joanna I am?

Like seriously, she is wickedly smart. Rebecca and I ask her questions on FaceTime all the time, and she’ll be getting the four year old a sandwich while bouncing the toddler, and she’ll start mumbling totally incomprehensible stuff about chi-squares and coefficients, and then ten minutes later she’ll have an answer for us.

She’s really good at this. And the reason is because she has a ton of education in it, and she has been involved in multiple other studies and authored papers using this kind of statistical analysis before.

God sent her to us at just the right time, and we’re very grateful.

Joanna’s not on the blog side much, though we do talk to her several times a day. But if you want to get to know her better and ask her questions, the best way is to support us on Patreon!

It was our Patreon supporters who paid for the STATA software this year (we have to renew that every year!). It’s our Patreon supporters who are paying for Joanna’s time while we get these peer reviewed papers ready. Because we’re not associated with a university, we don’t have a way to get funding like most researchers would. So it’s your support that keeps us going, since we can’t monetize writing peer reviewed papers or writing thousands of lines of code to get in the ARDA.

You can support us for as little as $5 a month! And our private Facebook group is awesome, and we have unique merch, and more! Keith even started giving us $5 a month just so he could join the Facebook group because Rebecca and I were always talking about it!

Support us here!

So thank you for your support! I hope that makes what we do a little bit more understandable. And if you have any other questions, leave them in the comments!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila is determined to help Christians find BIBLICAL, HEALTHY, EVIDENCE-BASED help for their marriage. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts PODCAST: New Research Blows Away the Evangelical Idea about Lust

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Who is Safer to Date: Christian Men or Secular Men?

Do you feel safer in Christian spaces or non-Christian ones?

That can be a hard one to answer because there are so many variables, but yesterday I set off a firestorm with my post that only 33.7% of married, evangelical men meet our four criteria for being sexually safe. 

In the comments here, and all over Twitter and Facebook, woman after woman was saying that she was so glad that she married a non-Christian, or that she has decided she can’t date Christian men anymore because of how they treat her. 

Now, we didn’t compare non-Christian men to Christian men, so I can’t say whether they’d score better or worse. But what I do know is that the obligation sex message, or male entitlement to sex, is explicitly taught in evangelical circles, while it is explicitly taught AGAINST in secular ones. 

And even though sex scandals happen in both churches and in the world, it does appear that most companies, organizations, and academic institutions have better internal policies for dealing with these things than the church does. 

Nevertheless, I did ask on Instagram if women have felt safer dating Christians or non-Christians, and this was the result: 

 

At the point where I’m posting this, around 3000 women have answered (and it’s still live in my Instagram stories if you head over!), but by my calculations that looks like an even split.

50% say Christians were safer or equally safe (29% + 21%)51% (due to rounding) say non-Christians were safer or just as bad as Christians (22% + 29%)

Obviously–not a scientific finding. But I think it hints at something important: Many, many Christian women have found that Christian men are not safe, or at least are not any safer than non-Christian men.

What is going on?

So just a few thoughts today.

1. It all comes down to respect for women.

The evangelical church is one of the last places that actually teaches that women are less than men. The evangelical church is one of the last places where you are allowed to discriminate on the basis of sex. And in the evangelical church, we explicitly teach that men’s needs when it comes to sex are more important than women (see, for instance, The Great Sex Rescue and our survey of 20,000 women and how teachings in our best-sellers have hurt women).

What if you're NOT the problem with your sex life?

What if the messages that you've been taught have messed things up--and what if there's a way to escape these toxic teachings?

It's time for a Great Sex Rescue. Buy it on Amazon! Where Else Can I Buy It?

This is not to say that there is not sexism in the wider community, or that the wider community necessarily treats women better everywhere. The difference is that in church, telling women that they are restricted in what they can do comes from the top and is the official line; in the world, people may still believe that, but it’s not being taught by the powers that be in academia, in media, in business, etc.

In the secular world consent is also taught widely; in the Christian world, our 13 sex and marriage best-sellers did not even mention the word, and in our books to teen girls, date rape situations were often described as the girl giving up her virginity and purity.

And so even though secular guys may have different views of sex, they did grow up being taught to respect women and that consent was a thing (doesn’t mean they practiced it, but it was taught).

Many women told me that the best thing to do is to marry a guy who became a Christian later in life, and who didn’t grow up with the negative teachings–and indeed, that’s what Rebecca and I both did!

To put this in context, I can’t picture any secular community that would EVER talk about women giving post-partum sexual favors the way that Kevin Leman or Gary Thomas or Ed Wheat did, and still be respected. And yet in evangelicalism, you can say these things and it’s considered normal. 

2. Many women say that the place where they’ve experienced the most shame is in the church

Whether it’s being told their clothing is inappropriate and they’re causing men to stumble, or told that they’re not able to do certain things because they’re a woman, many women will say that the church holds their hurts of greatest shame.

I often laugh at the “dress code violation” stories that hit the news from schools, where girls are sent home for violations that weren’t that bad, or when there’s outrage because a teacher said she was being a distraction. This sort of thing happens every single week at many youth groups. It’s normal. And it never hits the news. But in the secular world it’s considered atrocious.

I know personally in the academic and professional world I was always encouraged to pursue my dreams and my best. I had professors, both male and female, mentor me and help me get scholarships or recommend me for different programs, because they saw promise in me. In job situations I was often given more responsibilities because I proved myself.

But in church I had the deacon’s board at one church debate for a year whether I was allowed to actually speak while leading worship, since I was a woman. I had the leader of a missions organization tell me at 16 that God could never use me because I didn’t submit to authority, and as a girl I had to learn to be submissive.

The stark difference in the way I’ve been treated in the world versus in the church is quite awful. And I know my story is just a sliver of what so many women went through.

3. Let’s remember that attitudes exist in pockets

And, in fact, so do habits! For instance, we found that 49.6% of men use porn currently, even if most only do so rarely. But habits tend to be supported by underlying cultures. That’s why people tend to exercise more in certain states, or eat more fried food in certain areas. It isn’t evenly distributed, because the culture impacts what we do and how we frame things.

I think it’s very likely that in some churches, 80% of men use porn (and I’ve been in a church like that), while in other churches, it’s likely 20%. So just because 50% of evangelical men use porn overall does not mean that 50% of men in every church use porn.

Just because most men in your church objectify you does not mean that most men in every church will.

Which leads me to my most important point:

4. If you are in a pocket where non-Christian men are safer than Christian men–you need to get out.

Healthy churches exist. They do. But you have to look for them.

Jesus said that we will know they are Christians by their love. He told us we could just by the fruit. He said that a good tree can’t bear bad fruit. If the men in your church are no better than the men in the world–and even worse–then your church is bearing bad fruit, and it isn’t a good place to be.

I do not believe that Christian men are worse than secular men.

I believe that men who know Jesus will be kind, and loving, and strong, and authentic, and emotionally mature. I believe they will have integrity. I believe they will demonstrate the fruits of the Spirit.

But I also believe that in these days, God is shaking His church. He is revealing the rot. He is showing that much of what calls itself Christianity has little to do with Jesus. Just because people quote Bible verses does not mean they know Jesus or are acting like Him.

We need to have discernment. And please, please hear me: If you feel like non-Christians are safer to you, I am so, so sorry. I am sorry the church has failed you. I am sorry people who claim the name of Jesus are acting so poorly.

You don’t need to stay there. You can find a new pocket. You can go to safety. This isn’t okay, but it will only change when we stop accepting it as normal that Christian men can’t behave well.

 

Have you found Christians safer than secular men? Or vice versa? Or if you’re in a place where the Christian men are safe, tell us how to recognize such a place! 

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila is determined to help Christians find BIBLICAL, HEALTHY, EVIDENCE-BASED help for their marriage. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts The Post That Will Help Men Defeat Lust

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How Many Christian Men Are Sexually Safe Husbands?

How many Christian husbands see sex in a healthy way?

We know that sexual sin, and porn use, and objectification of women are rampant. But it’s not everywhere. So how many guys aren’t affected by this?

In February and March I’m posting several “number of the day” updates, where we share a nugget from our surveys of 25,000 men and women. We’ve looked at foreplay problems; how many men actually lust; how many people have sex but don’t feel close; and more.

One of the challenges that we have with our survey data is figuring out what questions to ask. We have a treasure trove of data from all of our surveys (six at last count), and there’s so much that we can glean from it. But we have to think of the question first.

We have a Patreon group where people who support our research and want to support us branching out in ways that we can’t monetize, and it’s got a really active private Facebook group. (Our Patreon starts at $5 a month! You can join us, too!). 

As I was getting ready to do this series, we asked our patrons what questions they’d want to know. And one woman piped up and asked, “how many guys are actually safe?”

Great question! But then we had to figure out how to measure it. 

Joanna and I thought about a couple of scenarios, and we decided to look for men who fit this criteria:

Our Criteria for Men Who Are Sexually SafeHe doesn’t watch pornHe doesn’t choose a lustful option in any of the potentially lustful situations we presentedHe doesn’t  believe the obligation sex message (so he doesn’t believe he’s entitled to his wife’s body)He makes his wife’s pleasure a priority

We could have chosen other things–like whether or not his wife reached orgasm, but that one is not entirely dependent on him. She may not reach orgasm because of sexual trauma or some of the things she’s internalized (quite common, as we found in The Great Sex Rescue). So we decided to stick to these four markers.

And when you run that data, here what we find:

%

Okay, so that’s rather sobering, isn’t it?

Only a third of Christian husbands would fall into our sexually safe categories. 

This is largely because 49.6% of men use porn in some way today, so that takes out half of men right from the start. But there’s also a significant number of men who don’t use porn but who still objectify women, either by believing they are entitled to sex; lusting after other women; or acting as if sex is all about them.

Let me repeat that–the problems all boil down to seeing women as objects.

All of our criteria objectify women in some way. Either a guy is using porn, which means he’s consuming images of women for his own gratification, or he’s treating his wife and the women around him as objects who exist for his gratification.

This means that he has believed a message about sex that isn’t biblical, and is, indeed, evil. It is evil to use another for your own gratification without concern for them, and yet many, many men feel that they are entitled to do so, and even that they are being Christian when they do so. They have been taught through our Christian resources that men naturally lust (Every Man’s Battle); that they need sex in a way that women will never understand (Love & Respect and more); that their needs for sex supersede women’s need for just about anything else (see Kevin Leman’s take on postpartum sexual favors, for instance).

They’ve been taught their whole lives in church that men need sex while women need emotional connection, and many of these guys have channeled all of their needs for connection into sex. When she says no to sex, it feels as if the world is crashing down, because they’ve never been taught how to have real relationships. And they’ve been taught that God actually intends for them to sexualize their emotional needs.

We showed repeatedly in The Great Sex Rescue how certain teachings about sex wreck sex for women and for couples, and now in The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex we have the evidence that these teachings wreck sex for men too. We need to start teaching about sex not as an entitlement for men and an obligation for women, but instead as something which God designed to be MUTUAL, INTIMATE, and PLEASURABLE FOR BOTH.

What if you're NOT the problem with your sex life?

What if the messages that you've been taught have messed things up--and what if there's a way to escape these toxic teachings?

It's time for a Great Sex Rescue. Buy it on Amazon! Where Else Can I Buy It? Can we put a positive spin on this at all?

I think there are a few positive things we can say if we look at this data.

1. Most men who use porn do so only rarely.

Guys got an automatic “fail” if they used porn at all, but 52% of guys who do use porn do so only rarely. And we found porn use has a real dose-response effect, meaning the more you use it, the more negative effects it has. Guys who use porn rarely don’t have the same negative effects on their sex lives and marriages as guys who use it daily or weekly, although they do have negative effects (and that’s why we included them in the unsafe category. We should also note that any porn use is also objectifying real people and contributing to sex trafficking, and should not be toleraetd).

And we also found that when guys quit porn, and quit any obligation sex message, their sexual and marital satisfaction improves to almost the same extent as if they had never used it (those who quit before marriage get the biggest bump).

Considering that most married men who use porn only do so rarely, we would hope that this could be seen as something that men could work on and achieve victory at.

2. When you look at those who don’t use porn, about two thirds don’t appear to objectify women.

Because almost 50% of married evangelical men use porn to some extent, and because we excluded these guys from the safe category automatically, we really were working with only 50% of guys, and not 100%. So when we look at the remaining 50% of men who could have been safe, 67% of them were.

They don’t show signs of objectifying women or thinking that they are entitled to sex.

So that’s good! And it does show that porn use is the main driver of men not being sexually safe for women.

What’s the take home message about how to foster healthy attitudes towards sex?

The church needs a better message around porn, because what we’re doing isn’t working. We’ve been calling it a sin, and it is, sure–but this way of talking about it doesn’t necessarily help.

See the book here!

Porn is not just a sin because now men have lost their purity; it’s a sin against women. It’s a sin against the women in the porn; it’s a sin because it teaches you to see women as objects. We need to start explaining that the victims of porn are women, not just men.

We also need to help guys understand that trying harder to quit isn’t enough; they need to get real about why they’re using porn in the first place.

These books can also help guys if they’re struggling with porn:

Surfing for God by Michael John CusickWhen Shame Gets Real by Carl ThomasThe Psychology of Porn by Andrew Bauman And then we simply need to get rid of the obligation sex message.

Anything that sees sex as an entitlement for men and obligation for women changes the very nature of sex. It can’t be intimate if one person’s needs matter more than another’s. It can’t be mutual if one person’s desires outweigh someone else’s. Sex is about two people joining together; it is not about one person using another. And that means that we simply have to talk about sex in a way that honors women. Otherwise women will never, ever be safe.

Right now the church isn’t doing that. Instead of dealing with the fact that the evangelical approach to sex hasn’t worked, and has been harmful, they are doubling down.

But we can stop that. When we hear the obligation sex message, we can speak up. When we hear women being told to have sex so husbands don’t watch porn, we can walk out. We can say no. We can speak up on social media.

And men–I’m asking you especially. Only 1/3 of Christian men understand what real, intimate sex looks like. The change has to start with you. Please speak up. The next generation deserves far better than this!

Did this number surprise you? Why or why not? How can we change this as a church community? Let’s talk in the comments!

The Number of the Day SeriesHow Many Men Think They Do Enough Foreplay Even if She Doesn't Orgasm? How Many Elements are in the Sexual Response Cycle?What Percentage of Women Orgasm--but Don't Have Close Marriages? (coming soon)How Many Men Believe the Obligation Sex Message? (and what effect does this have on other areas of their marriage?)Can the Way We Do the Honeymoon Increase the Rate of Vaginismus?The Orgasm Gap and the Real Reason Women Don't Want Sex (The "Let's go to dinner" saga)Is Lust REALLY Every Man's Battle?How Many Christian Men Meet the 4 Criteria for a Sexually Safe HusbandHow Many Men Watch Porn? (And what are the effects?) (podcast)

Plus Order The Good Guy's Guide to Great Sex and The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex (for all of our findings!)

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila is determined to help Christians find BIBLICAL, HEALTHY, EVIDENCE-BASED help for their marriage. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts These Books Would Have Changed Our Lives

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On Christianity Today, Plagiarism Culture, and Feeling Erased

This has been a week of great thrills and great disappointments.

Thankfully, the thrills were REALLY GOOD. Our new books The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex and The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex launched, and they’re doing really well! Thank you for your support. Let’s make these the go-to wedding shower gifts from now on!

The disappointments have been things that make me feel rather sick for evangelicalism.

Christianity Today announced that two senior managers had sexually harrassed women for years–decades in one case–and nothing was done about it.

The flagship magazine for evangelicalism apparently had a sexual harrassment problem itself, even as it’s supposed to be covering the news. Read all about the sexual harassment here.

They commissioned an independent investigation into the allegations, and also wrote their own investigative story, on how Mark Galli, the editor in chief, and another senior marketing manager were inappropriate with women.

One of the problems was that the head of HR also golfed with both senior managers, so how were women supposed to feel like their concerns would be taken seriously? And, indeed, they didn’t. So the women in the workplace formed an informal alliance to protect each other. But the harassment didn’t stop. They were often told, if they did complain, that Galli was of a different generation, and he didn’t mean anything by it. But should this be an excuse in a workplace?

I feel so badly for these women.

But what concerns me for evangelicalism as a whole is this: If senior managers were sexually harrassing women, how can we have any confidence that Christianity Today treated women well in its coverage?

Since this broke I’ve been watching story after story from women drop on Twitter of stories that Galli spiked about sexism or sexual harassment, or stories that were slanted in the wrong direction. So many people have asked if this influenced the slant of The Rise and Fall of Mars Hill Podcast, which rightfully called out Driscoll’s misogyny, but refused to note that it was quite typical of evangelicalism–and the worst things that he said about women were echoed in our best-sellers! (A point that we made in The Great Sex Rescue before the podcast even broke).

Kristin Kobes DuMez wrote about a story being spiked. Meghan Tschanz wrote a wonderful Instagram update, with slides, which is worth perusing. There were so many others, but I’ll post Meghan’s words here:

 

 

An article came out from Christianity Today telling on their own culture of sexism and sexual harassment in the workplace. They claim, rightly so, that this behavior is common among evangelical culture– they are absolutely right.

They report on two men, in particular, former editor in chief Mark Galli and former advertising director Olatokunbo Olawoye.

I had the opportunity to pitch an article to the accused Mark Galli at a writer’s retreat in 2019. I summed it up as “We can’t help women overseas until we change the way we treat women in our own churches.”

I argued, “I think some fail to realize that limiting women’s voices in their [own Christian] institutions is actually contributing to the inequality we see globally.”

The argument was an indictment against evangelical practices of sexism that led to the abuse of women.

His response was asking me to essentially “prove it” saying “the studies I’ve seen, in fact, seem to say that women in what’s called soft complementarianism feel the happiest in their marriages, vs. egalitarian marriages or strict complementarian marriages”

I didn’t have the words or research at that point to back up my claim as well as I would have liked.

I do now.

A 2015 study done by Peter Warren at the University of South Carolina shows the fundamental “male headship” in religion is a risk factor in Intimate Partner Violence.

Abuse, both domestic and sexual, is about power and control– and arises from unequal power dynamics. Psychoanalyst Lyn Yonack says “when someone rapes, assaults, or harasses, the motivation stems from the perpetrator’s need for dominance and control.”

According to a medically reviewed paper by Psych Central “Abusers use domestic violence to gain power and control over their targets.”

Here’s some of the evidence that Mark Galli requested in order for my article to be considered.

Turns out, Mark Galli himself was proof.

It turns out that Mark Galli sexually harassed and inappropriately touched employees– and that when those incidents were reported nothing was done.

Those women’s voices were silenced, allowing the abuse to continue.

I stand by what I said in 2019, we can’t address injustice against women globally until we first get serious about addressing it in our own evangelical churches.

We say we are better, but I think this article and the countless like it show that we aren’t.

Patriarchy, even “soft-complementarianism” endorsed by Galli in his response to me, is dangerous.

The power differentials it espouses lead to sexual harassment and abuse, unequal pay, the silencing of women, and all-around injustice against women.

Galli, do you believe me now?

Meghan Tshanz

Instagram

When I look back at what Christianity Today has chosen NOT to report on (including our ground-breaking study of 20,000 evangelical women–the largest that’s ever been done), you have to wonder if there’s a bigger problem there.

Do evangelical pastors even understand plagiarism?

The second thing that’s been bothering me this week is this tweet from Pastor Josh Howerton, Senior Pastor from Lakepointe Church in Dallas. He wrote:

PREACHER QUESTION:

how do you clarify in a sermon that a statement / idea didn't come from you when you got it from someone you don't want to attribute by name because it would come off as an endorsement and you don't want to point your people their direction?

— Josh Howerton (@howertonjosh) March 16, 2022

For those who can’t read it, I’ll post it again:

PREACHER QUESTION:

how do you clarify in a sermon that a statement / idea didn’t come from you when you got it from someone you don’t want to attribute by name because it would come off as an endorsement and you don’t want to point your people their direction?

Let’s be clear what he’s saying: I like something someone said, and I want to use it to make my sermon better. But I don’t want to mention their name, because then my congregants might look them up. So what do I do?

Think about this question in any academic or business setting. 

The answer is obvious: you cite your source. To not do so is plagiarism.

And yet what were the majority of replies advising him to do? Preface it with something like:

I once read…Another theologian once said…I have heard it said…

All of those things are stealing. They are dishonest.

This makes me wonder how educated many of our pastors actually are, because I can tell you that in a secular university, this is the Evil of all Evils. You do not plagiarize. You cite your sources. Always. 

Only in evangelicalism could we think that doctrinal purity trumps morality.

To use someone’s words without citing them is simply not allowed. I have been the victim of this–when I became when I started calling out other authors. Gary Thomas, who used to cite me for many things, and claimed them as his own because now I was viewed with suspicion in the evangelical world for saying that women matter just as much as men.

In this vein of thinking, it is more moral NOT to cite someone you disagree with than to cite them, because that way God’s Truth (which obviously you possess) will not be tarnished. Woe to those who call good, evil, and evil, good.

Recently many Christian bloggers and podcasters who have come out against The Great Sex Rescue have started talking about vaginismus–which is wonderful. But they are using our stats and our research without mentioning us. Again, in academia, this would not be allowed. In evangelicalism, it’s considered the right thing to do, because we wouldn’t want anyone to hear of their name and look them up!

The night before I saw Josh’s tweet I was reading in Exodus 22:

If anyone grazes their livestock in a field or vineyard and lets them stray and they graze in someone else’s field, the offender must make restitution from the best of their own field or vineyard.

Exodus 22:5

If you benefit from the work that someone else has done, then you owe restitution.

In this case, it’s quite simple. Just cite your source. If you don’t agree with them on something, you can always say, “Look, I don’t agree with 90% of what Sheila Gregoire says, but this really resonated with me…” But you still cite your source. 

The fact that so many evangelical pastors were in that thread and were trying to figure out how not to have to give someone credit for work they had done, while still allowing you to use it? Mind-boggling to me. Do morals not matter anymore?

It honestly has been a good week for me personally.

But both of these incidents leave me with the very strong impression that there is a big morality issue in evangelicalism. We are calling good evil, and evil good. There is such a basic misunderstanding of how we are supposed to function as believers, and that is slanting what we are hearing from our pulpits and our magazines.

We deserve better, but we will only get it when we stop putting up with evil, and start calling it out. I think we can make a change. And the sales of the new books is showing me that! We are changing the conversation about sex in the evangelical world (and the fact that people are talking about vaginismus finally, even if they don’t credit me, is still a change in the right direction). We are talking about the orgasm gap. We are saying sex is for women too.

But it’s because we’ve been loud, and because we’ve said, “we’re not accepting bad teaching anymore.”

May we continue to do so, loudly, and then, perhaps, our institutions will finally do the right thing.

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila is determined to help Christians find BIBLICAL, HEALTHY, EVIDENCE-BASED help for their marriage. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts The “Let’s Go to Dinner” Saga–and Why Women May Not Want Sex

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