Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 5
June 17, 2022
Break the Cycle: Learn Positive Discipline with Kids, Rather than Punitive Control
But we’ve been told such different things about the nature of that responsibility.
If you grew up in an evangelical church, chances are you were told that a parent’s job is to teach them to obey, because children are naturally deceitful and wicked. Their spirits need to be defeated and their will broken so that their hearts will be inclined to Christ instead.
You may have heard that you have to punish kids consistently and often for every infraction, because otherwise they will walk all over you. They will not learn to respect authority or to obey.
Children see you the way they see God; if they don’t obey you, how will they ever obey God?
You need to make them obey, so that they will recognize their need for God.
Their salvation is largely in your hands.
As we’ve been talking about on the blog recently, that’s a toxic way to approach parenting.It ignores child development. It ignores children’s legitimate needs. And it makes children out to be the enemy.
And when our approach towards our kids is one of trying to control their behaviour or punish them for wrongdoing, we often push them away from us. We can create insecure attachment. They can grow up not being able to share themselves with us, and so they become secretive.
Outwardly they may be very compliant, but they feel far away from you. Why? Because they don’t feel as if they are safe.
What if there were a better way to parent our kids?What if you could parent the way God parents? What if you could approach parenting not in a way to control your kids but to train them? What if instead of punishing your kids for every infraction you learned to recognize what it is they need in the moment, and use these things as teaching opportunities?
What if you could learn to be firm but kind? To set really clear boundaries, but also get your kids involved so that they feel part of the process and they don’t chafe against it?
What if you could understand WHY your kids act up, and WHY your discipline techniques don’t work–and find something that instead brings harmony?
That’s what I want to help you do.So many of us grew up in harsh homes, and we want to break the cycle, but we have absolutely no idea how.
We’ve been told that to not spank our kids is tantamount to handing our kids over to the devil–and so we’re scared stiff to try something else, even though spanking isn’t working and makes us feel awful.
We feel like we’re always having the same conflicts with our kids, and the home is chaotic, and we just want peace. We want to enjoy our kids.
Last month on the podcast Wendy Snyder from Fresh Start Families joined us to talk about positive parenting.So many of you loved her podcast and wrote to me asking for more information. So Wendy and I decided to get together and host a FREE workshop on what positive parenting looks like.
All you have to do is sign up!
It’ll be at June 21 at 3 pm EST, and it would be awesome if you could join us live so you can ask questions. But even if you can’t be there live, you can still watch the video afterwards if you sign up now.
Register Now! If you’re tired of making empty threats; if you’re tired of the behaviour you don’t want repeating; if you’re tired of feeling disconnected from your kids–I really do want to help.
And I want to help you stop this cycle where you ask them to behave; you threaten them; they act up more, and finally in anger you yell or spank. Or just want to go lock yourself in your room. (I did that once!)
I wish I had had Wendy when Rebecca was 2, because we handled her tantrums all wrong. We honestly didn’t know any better.
But now we can now! And I see Rebecca handling her son Alex so differently, and it’s absolutely lovely to watch.
I don’t want to become a parenting blog, because even though my husband is a pediatrician–marriage is my thing.But so many of you are here because you’re tired of bad teaching about marriage. And you know what? The same bad teaching has infiltrated into our parenting.
So while I don’t want to spend a lot of time tackling this myself, I do want to point you to people who do it well.
Wendy does. And I hope you can join us!
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila is determined to help Christians find BIBLICAL, HEALTHY, EVIDENCE-BASED help for their marriage. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts What Are the Brakes and Accelerators for Your Libido?Jun 13, 2022 | 10 Comments
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The post Break the Cycle: Learn Positive Discipline with Kids, Rather than Punitive Control appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
June 16, 2022
Escaping a Sex Cult: Alyssa Wakefield’s Podcast Episode, Part 2
That’s Alyssa Wakefield’s conclusion in Part 2 of her story on the Bare Marriage podcast! Listen to last week’s episode, where she explains how she was groomed to obey her father and have an arranged marriage to a man she didn’t know, wasn’t attracted to, and was 10 years older than her. And how it ended up being abusive.
On today’s podcast you’ll hear Alyssa share how she was raped on her wedding night, and how she had to let her husband use her body several times each day–even when she was sick. You’ll hear how even with 8 kids she had to have sex with him every Sunday before church, or he may be tempted to lust after the women in church who were all dressed up.
And you’ll hear Alyssa’s parents’ reactions when she wanted to get out and realized she was in trouble. Is it normal to want to die? Is it normal to be raped like this? “Oh, Alyssa, maybe you’re going through menopause. Oh, Alyssa, just submit more.”
This was riveting, and we need to hear her story (so similar to the Duggars!), because what’s scary is how mainstream this actually is. Yes, her story is extreme. But it’s a difference of degree, not a difference in kind. Our churches teach things on this spectrum, and it needs to stop.
So listen in!
Browse all the Different Podcasts
See the Last “Start Your Engines” (Men’s) Podcast
Or, as always, you can watch on YouTube:
Timeline of the Podcast
0:00 Preview and Context for today
2:45 Alyssa continues her story
5:15 The beginning of getting out
12:30 The truth shining through
19:00 Post marriage and healing
25:25 What happened when Alyssa divorced
30:55 Alyssa talks ‘modesty’
38:00 Is this just a sex cult?
40:20 Final thoughts on the theology
44:00 Interview with Sarah McDugal and the TraumaMamas app
She was so brave to tell this whole story. I gave her the choice to not use video, or to not use her real name, but she said that she wanted to reclaim her own story. For years she was presented at homeschooling conferences as the poster child for betrothals and courtships. There are videos of her story, as if it’s a fairytale.
But it was all a lie, and she was just saying what she was being told to say.
Last week and this week, Alyssa told her story the way she wanted to.
And if you have any words of encouragement for Alyssa, please leave them in the comments and I’ll be sure she gets them!
If you’re a mama leaving an abusive marriage, or you have friends who are, you need the TraumaMamas app!
My good friend Sarah McDugal created an awesome app for moms in trauma, mothering kids with trauma, trying to navigate leaving an abusive marriage and all that entails. Dealing with custody. Finding a job. Finding a place to live. Talking with your biological family. Dealing with your children’s trauma. Dealing with your ex.
There’s a totally free version with a ton of resources, and you can pay a small amount for an upgrade and open up so much more.
Sarah tells us about it after Alyssa finishes her story, and I know there are moms in Alyssa’s situation who need this app!
What if you don't need to control your kids and punish your kids to raise great kids?
Let's look at evidence-based parenting methods that WORK that bring life, rather than break our kids' spirits. Plus they're easier on you!
Join us for a FREE webinar June 21 with Wendy Snyder from Fresh Start Families. Start your new parenting journey!
Register Now Things Mentioned in This Podcast:Part 1 of Alyssa’s podcastSeminar for Positive Parenting with Wendy–sign up for next week’s workshop!Sarah McDugal’s Facebook Page and Sarah’s TraumaMamas appNatalie Hoffman’s book Is It Me?
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila is determined to help Christians find BIBLICAL, HEALTHY, EVIDENCE-BASED help for their marriage. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts We Can Heal–and Grow Towards a Healthy FaithJun 10, 2022 | 15 Comments
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The post Escaping a Sex Cult: Alyssa Wakefield’s Podcast Episode, Part 2 appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
June 15, 2022
The Dad Edge Podcast and Mental Load–and More!
Yes, I record the Bare Marriage podcast (and don’t miss Part 2 of Alyssa Wakefield’s story about being groomed for an abusive marriage, which drops tomorrow!). But I also record a number of other podcasts.
I thought today I’d point you to just a few, since I’m busy finishing up the all new revamped version of the Boost Your Libido course right now (it launches on June 27!) and I don’t have time to write a big post!
But you don’t want to miss these, because often on other people’s podcasts I tell the bigger story of our books more succinctly than I do on my own, where we tend to explore much more niche subjects.
The Dad Edge Podcast: Sex & Mental LoadI had a great time sharing about The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex and our findings on the orgasm gap, the problem with lack of foreplay, how we often don’t understand the sexual response cycle, and more!
We also got into a great conversation about mental load that I know Larry (the host) really resonated with. Maybe I’ll go back on to explore that one further!
Listen in! This is Our Village PodcastKeith and I both joined this Australian podcast focusing on young moms with Hayley Young and Amy Keeble.
I love doing these podcasts with Keith, and you’ll really enjoy him explaining his heart for the books! Plus this one was geared to young moms.
Listen in! The All New Guides to Great Sex!Available now!
Imagine building a great sex life--from the ground up!What would it look like to build a picture of sex that was MUTUAL, INTIMATE, and PLEASURABLE FOR BOTH--with no harmful messages?
Welcome to the The Good Guy's Guide to Great Sex and the ALL NEW Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex. Get them NOW!And let's make these the go-to wedding shower gifts!
Order Now Untangled Faith Podcast: Purity Culture’s Impact on GuysI joined one of my favourite podcasts–Untangled Faith with Amy Fritz–to talk about why I updated the Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, what I’m still a little uncomfortable with, and our big findings on porn and lust. I love how Amy actually asks hard questions and holds your feet to the fire!
Listen in! Liza Young Podcast: Rescuing Sex from Harmful Evangelical Teachingsi joined a therapy podcast, this time to talk about The Great Sex Rescue (with some from the new books thrown in too!). It’s always great to talk to counselors.
Listen in! What have I been listening to lately?I’ve also just finished watching the Netflix documentary on the FLDS cult, called Keep Sweet, Pray and Obey. It was horrifying, but what was especially chilling was how similar so many of the teachings towards women and children were to what is often taught in Christian circles.
Too much of Christianity operates as a cult, as we saw in last week’s podcast episode with Alyssa Wakefield (just wait for part 2 to drop tomorrow!). But not all of Christendom is like this. If your community functions at all like a cult, or if you recognize yourself in Keep Sweet, Pray and Obey, please find a new church. That isn’t healthy!
Okay, so that gives you all lots to catch up on.Anyone hear a podcast they really have enjoyed lately? Or something you want to recommend? Leave it in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila is determined to help Christians find BIBLICAL, HEALTHY, EVIDENCE-BASED help for their marriage. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts Groomed for an Abusive Arranged Marriage: Alyssa Wakefield’s Story (Podcast)Jun 9, 2022 | 30 Comments
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The post The Dad Edge Podcast and Mental Load–and More! appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
June 14, 2022
John Piper Tells Women with Harsh Husbands–to Basically Do Nothing
Pray more. Remember it might be his personality. Win him with kindness. Show appreciation and call out the good in him. And don’t talk to other people about it without her husband’s permission.
It was toxic advice, because any woman married to an emotionally abusive husband would describe her husband as “harsh.” So this advice was being given to women in abusive marriages (he did qualify that it wasn’t physically abusive, but we know that’s not the only kind of abuse).
He never mentions abuse. He never mentions how to draw boundaries. He never mentions the importance of getting to safety. He never mentions the effect on children of being in a family where the husband is emotionally abusive to the mother.
He just gives advice which is demonstrably bad and which would enable the abuse to continue.
I created a Fixed it For You for his article!
Rebecca and I also sat down and recorded a Facebook Live where we walk through the article and discuss the problems with it. It turned out really well, and I encourage you all to watch it!
(I can’t embed Facebook videos, but seriously! Go watch it!)
One of our patrons left a lengthy critique of the article in a comment.As you may know, we have a patreon community where people who support us for as little as $5 a month hang out on Facebook, and get access to unfiltered podcasts, live events, and even occasional merch!
Our Facebook Page is really active, and she said this:
John Piper. I have literally never known anyone who could use so.many.words. to say so very little.
A woman is literally asking what to do and he’s given very little actual advice on what to do, and even in that uses language such as “so that’s a possible way forward perhaps”. I can understand giving several suggestions which someone can choose from, but this is ridiculous. Just say what you suggest (and the person can choose what to do with it). Cut the flowery, over-spiritualized language and give real advice.
Also I wish that just once one of these kinds of responses would open with- “I am so sorry to hear that you husband is harsh with you, you don’t deserve to be treated like that.” Because maybe if we all started from that foundation- that people should not be treated harshly- then we could actually get somewhere with a solution!
But there is nothing like that. Nothing. It almost doesn’t even recognize that it’s an actual problem.
It’s also interesting to me that he starts off by being “well I would have a lot to say to the husband here…but that’s not what she’s asking so I won’t actually address that.”
Why not answer her question AND address the husband. That’s part of answering her question anyway! It just felt like an easy way to shove it aside and not deal with it. It’s infuriating. This is the husband’s problem in the first place, not the wife’s. Any advice to the wife should be to direct the husband to actually address his behavior.
Also, what in the world is this: “Jesus said that we should ask God that his will would be done on earth — and that would include in our marriages — as it’s done in heaven (Matthew 6:10). And that includes that his will be done the way the angels would do it. Husbands would love their wives, and wives would love their husbands, the way angels obey God — namely, joyfully and fully and without begrudging.”
What do angels have to do with anything?! We are to love our spouses the way angels obey God? Huh? It’s like he goes off into daydream land when he’s talking. Heaven…angels….love your husband like angels obey God. It’s just…I can’t.
His first piece of advice is to pray.Ok, this is a Christian woman who listens to your podcast already, likely she is already praying.
But, look at what he says regarding praying- she should not only pray for her husband to be “softened and move toward Christ-likeness…”, but she should also pray for herself because we “know from Scripture and experience that God uses husbands and wives to bring about change in each other”. And further, “So, what God does in her will have an effect on what he does in him”.
This is some really subtle victim blaming because rather than putting the responsibility for change completely on the person who is having the bad behavior, it shifts some on to their partner because God would want to use the wife to bring about change in her husband. So…what about when your husband doesn’t change? Does that mean that it’s partly on you, since you weren’t able to be used by God to bring about this change?
This is subtle to so many people, especially those who are in healthy relationships, but this is so damaging.
Piper’s second piece of advice is to “win him with gentleness”.Once again, subtle victim blaming- the husband isn’t fully responsible for his behavior, it’s on the wife to change her husband through *her behavior* toward him.
Of course we should not repay evil for evil- we should act appropriately regardless of how someone else is acting…but that’s really not the issue here. The issue is that a husband is treating his wife harshly. That is on him. In my opinion this entire section could be left out as it’s irrelevant. We aren’t addressing the wife’s behavior, but the husband’s.
Also, in my understanding, the 1 Peter passage he refers to- where wives are told that their husbands may be “won over” by their conduct- this passage is referring to wives who are married to men who are not Christians (and of course this is in the context of the early days of the church where people were choosing to follow Jesus, and may have been the only person in their family following this way)- meaning, your husband may see Christ in the way you are acting toward him and may become a Christian too. This is NOT talking about husbands who are mistreating their wives.
Next we have “share the burden wisely”…which was honestly just a weird section.In this section he said he would caution against “bad-mouthing” her husband behind his back.
Ok, that sounds like good advice on the surface- but sharing with others about how your husband is treating you is NOT “bad-mouthing” him, it’s telling the truth about how he’s acting! This same kind of idea has been used so often to keep women from sharing the truth about their situation with anyone, particularly anyone who could actually help. This happened with my mom when she filed for divorce from my narcissistic, abusive dad. The pastors at our church directed a group of ladies to talk with my mom after church one Sunday, to convince her to not get divorced. When my mom wanted to tell them what kinds of things were going on in our home which explained why she was seeking a divorce in the first place they all said “oh no, we don’t need to know that, that would be gossip”. No, it’s not gossip and you do need to know if you want to accurately understand the situation!
Fourth bit of advice from Piper- distinguish sin from personality.Right off the bat- no. Sorry, if your “personality” is to treat other people harshly then you need to change your personality. You are hurting people and mistreating them.
Piper says that some people have “a deeply ingrained personality trait with no ill will”- but when are we going to recognize that our *impact* matters more than our intent? We may not have meant ill will, but if what we are doing is impacting people harmfully then we need to change so our impact matches our intent.
Lastly we have “approach him with hope” and he explains some tips for this:“Create a context of encouragement”. Ok, this is just a normal thing in any relationship.
“Model humility and vulnerability”. Once again, it’s on the wife to influence her husband to change through her behavior.’
Also, I understand the concept of modeling behavior…but that’s what I do with my kids who are still learning and are not fully mature yet and still needing guidance on how to treat others and respond in different situations. A husband is not a child and should already be mature. So this advice just feels really out of place to me.
“Try not to globalize” when talking about his behavior. This would be great in a context of how she could actually discuss this with her husband (like maybe scripting a conversation for her to feel confident using), but that doesn’t really seem to be the focus of his advice.
“Keep pursuing change.” Oh my gosh, this is exactly what she is asking for help with! HOW does she go about pursuing this change? How can she address this with her husband? He hasn’t really even given her a good starting point, how can she keep pursing it?
All of this goes back to direct communication! It reminded me of that series that Sheila wrote about direct communication which included Piper’s example of a woman having to give directions to a man in an indirect/impersonal way. He does not suggest direct communication in this situation BECAUSE he does not think that women should speak to men in that way!
So the best a wife can hope for is that her husband will understand when she gives the concrete examples and that he will open to talking about it more so that she can actually tell him how she feels. But, if he’s not open to that, then really there is no way forward for her, is there? She has to submit to him in all things and can’t even really directly communicate about this issue (unless he is open to it). It’s the gender hierarchy/complementarian theology underlying everything and causing so much harm!
She should have been advised to directly communicate with her husband about this issue, that’s so simple to say and easy to explain…yet it’s nowhere in the article. Because it can’t be.
He ends with this:“And then, finally, I would say that if he indicates a sense of openness to talk about this, then you can explain your feelings more fully, you can ask for what you long for and maybe explain why it would be so happy for the relationship if he would be less harsh in these several ways. And if you both feel stuck after a while, it is perfectly biblical and right to seek help from close friends, or even, if it comes to that, from a wise Christian counselor.”
Notice how he says that IF the husband indicates a “sense of openness to talk about this” then you can explain your feelings more fully…but what about if he DOESN’T have a sense of openness to discuss these things? Then what?
Can you imagine how that would come off to a wife who believes (since Piper has taught this) that she must submit to her husband in everything? If he’s open to talking about it you can…but if he’s not then, I guess you simply don’t. Because he’s in charge and you submit to him. Full stop. That’s it. You can’t do anything else. I really feel this is the absolute worst part of his advice.
I am just so enraged at this advice!
The answer for this woman is so simple (not easy, simple): your husband is mistreating you and you do not deserve that. First, you can discuss this with him (and preferably she would be given direction on how to do that, what to say, etc.) and if he takes responsibility for his behavior and is willing to change that is wonderful. If not, then you need to seek a licensed counselor for yourself who can support you as you figure out how to address this. Why is this so hard for evangelicals to say?!
One of our patronsI thought that was excellent and summarized the problems well.
We need to stop looking up to teachers who are fundamentally unsafe–and Piper is one of them. We need to instead call them out. Think of how many women he has hurt! How many men have remained abusive because he enabled them! It’s mind boggling. It’s infuriating.
If you’ve been in this type of theology your whole life, and you want to make a new start, we also have parenting help for you next week!I’m hosting a FREE webinar with Wendy of Fresh Start Families to look at how to implement positive discipline in your home, rather than a punishment-control based approach. Let’s break the cycle!
What if you don't need to control your kids and punish your kids to raise great kids?Let's look at evidence-based parenting methods that WORK that bring life, rather than break our kids' spirits. Plus they're easier on you!
Join us for a FREE webinar June 21 with Wendy Snyder from Fresh Start Families. Start your new parenting journey!
Register NowKeep calling this stuff out! Keep sharing. Remember when I talked about the woman who wrote into Emerson Eggerichs crying in the shower–and that woman actually found me? When we share this stuff, people in abusive situations can find it, and the fog can finally lift!
(And tune in on Thursday to part 2 of Alyssa’s story on the podcast as well!).
People are breaking free. And that’s a good thing!
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila is determined to help Christians find BIBLICAL, HEALTHY, EVIDENCE-BASED help for their marriage. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts A Tale of Three Brains and LibidoJun 8, 2022 | 11 Comments
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The post John Piper Tells Women with Harsh Husbands–to Basically Do Nothing appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
June 13, 2022
What Are the Brakes and Accelerators for Your Libido?
But often we never seem to want it. We want to want it–but our bodies don’t seem to cooperate. Our minds don’t seem to cooperate. We wish we could feel more passionate.
I’m in the middle of our “What’s Killing Women’s Libido?” series, and I want to talk today about two things which influence whether or not we feel the urge to have sex.
First, though, if the problem isn’t lack of libido as much as it is that sex just never gets you to orgasm, and you don’t experience pleasure, the orgasm series is likely a better place to start! If sex isn’t doing much for you, it’s no wonder you don’t have much of a libido!
At the same time, our ability to respond sexually and reach orgasm is highly influenced by outside cues. When our brains say, “Oh, hey, this is sexy-sexy time!” then our bodies can respond and want to respond. But if our brains aren’t saying, “this is the sexy-sexy time!”, then it’s much harder to get in the mood. So we have cues that tell us this is sexy time, and that get us to start wanting sex.
Emily Nagoski, in her book Come as You Are, talks about this phenomenon, and relates it to brakes and accelerators.When it comes to libido:
Brakes: Anything that says, “no, wait, this isn’t really sexy-sexy time right now.”
Accelerators: Anything that tells you, “Oh, wow, it’s sexy-sexy time!”
Here’s the problem: Many of us have super sensitive brakes or super sticky accelerators–or both.
When you have super sensitive brakes for your libidoMany of us may think, “hey, it could be sexy-sexy time!’, but then it’s really, really easy to get us to stop thinking that way or feeling that way. So the feeling comes over us, but then it quickly gets extinguished, like someone threw a bucket of water on it. Think of that as super sensitive brakes.
You think, “you know, it might be really fun to have sex tonight!” You may even start to think happy thoughts about it. But then you realize how tired you are. Thoughts come into your head about everything you have to do tomorrow. Or maybe you mention to your husband that you might like to get it on, and something in his face looks like he’s thinking, “well, it’s about time,” and now you’re done. Nope. No way.
It’s not that you weren’t interested; it’s that suddenly you feel nothing remotely sexy anymore. In fact, if anything you feel a little ticked off. A little overwhelmed. Totally distracted. Or exhausted.
It seems that unless conditions are absolutely perfect, you can’t maintain that desire to have sex. Sure, the thought occurs to you and you may even get excited, but it’s just so easy to extinguish it. The wrong smell. The least bit of physical discomfort (shoot, I think I’m going to fart a bit!); the most subtle signal from your husband that he’s not thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Maybe when the kids are still up you’re actually hurrying to get them to bed because you’re excited about what you have in mind for tonight! But then as soon as they’re in bed you checked notifications from your phone and there was an annoying one from your sister and now you can’t stop thinking about it. Or you noticed that there’s a ton of laundry to be done.
You just can’t sustain it.
Your brakes are super sensitive.
When you have a really sticky accelerator for your libidoThen there’s the other side of it–where the accelerator just doesn’t work that well. You have to push down super hard to get the car to go at all, or to get the car to speed up.
You’d love to want sex more. Evening’s coming up, and you’re really hoping the feeling strikes. You try to get rid of distractions.
But no matter what, you just don’t feel it. Nothing feels “sexy” to you. It’s almost like you’re dead down there. You have to concentrate so hard to get aroused, and you never seem to think of sex spontaneously. Or when you do think of it, it’s like a duty or a chore rather than as something to look forward to.
Nothing in your surroundings or your emotions or your thoughts is really telling you, “this is my sexy sexy time!”
And, of course, sometimes both of these things can come into play!When figuring out libido: What says “sexy sexy time” for you?One of the ways to get over this brakes and accelerators problem is to figure out, “what cues do I need from my environment, and my emotions/experiences, to tell me: hey, this is sexy sexy time!”
What is that time for you?
Sometimes our accelerators aren’t working simply because we haven’t actually been pressing them at the right time. Figuring out what you actually associate with sexy sexy time can help a lot!
So here’s an exercise you can do:Identifying your accelerators
Think back to two specific sexy escapades that you really enjoyed.
Now ask yourself: What led up to that escapade? Ask yourself questions like:
Were we away on a holiday or at home?What was the day like with the kids?Did we eat out or eat at home?Was it spontaneous or was it planned?What time of day was it?What were we doing just before this? Watching a movie? Talking? Snuggling?Where in the house were we?What was I wearing? What was he wearing? What was on the bed? (or wherever we were)?Where was I in my cycle?What had I been thinking about that day?Had we just watched a movie/TV show?Did I exercise that day?Had we had any good conversations that day? if so, what were they about?When we started to have sex, how did we lead into it?What was work like that day?Compare your answers for the two escapades. Were there any similarities? Do you notice any themes?
This is a good habit to keep doing over the next few months, whenever you have a particularly good sexual experience. Get out a notebook and write down what led up to it. What were you feeling that day? What were your interactions like that day? How did sex actually start?
You may start to have an idea of what gets you turned on. Maybe it’s “he put the kids in bed that night so I had some time to myself.” Maybe it’s “we spent an hour just watching a show and I was lying in his lap.” Maybe it’s “I had an amazing day at work and I felt on top of my game.” Maybe it’s “we spent time talking about what we wanted to do on vacation, or with work schedules, or planning for the future.” Maybe it’s “I just came in from a 2 mile run and I felt amazing!”
You may start to see that certain things get you more in the mood. Certain things get you invigorated, excited, or something else.
What about identifying your brakes?Our post on 15 things that kill a woman’s libido can likely help with that!
But you can also repeat the accelerator exercise, but do it in a different way. Think back to two unsuccessful sexual escapades–nights (or days!) that you were hoping were going to go in a different direction, and then it just didn’t work. And ask yourself those questions. Do you see any similarities? Are there things that kill the mood for you?
What do we do once we know our brakes and accelerators?Do more of the accelerator things, and do less of the brake things! Try as much as you can to minimize the brake things in your life, and to maximize the accelerator things in your life.
Our Boost Your Libido course (which we’re revamping as we speak; the new edition launches later this month!) helps you do just that–minimize the things that dampen libido and maximize the things that tell you, “this is sexy sexy time.”
And once we understand these things about ourselves, then it’s easier not just to blame ourselves for having no libido or for being so unsexual, but instead to understand, “oh, my body just doesn’t think this is a sexy time right now. So what can I do to change the narrative?”
It’s not about blame but empowerment! And after all, that’s what can really awaken libido.
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Do you have an accelerator issue or a brake issue–or both? Let’s talk in the comments!
What's Killing Women's Libido? Series15 Things that Kill Libido for WomenA Tale of Three Brains and LibidoHow Brakes and Accelerators Influence LibidoWhat are Responsive vs. Spontaneous Libidos? (coming soon!)and more!PODCAST: Have we made sex a yes space for men?PODCAST: What's killing women's libido? (coming at the end of the month)Plus don't miss our revamped Boost Your Libido course, launching soon!
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila is determined to help Christians find BIBLICAL, HEALTHY, EVIDENCE-BASED help for their marriage. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts Do Conservative Evangelicals Have Better Sex and Less Abuse? Our Response to Josh HowertonJun 7, 2022 | 12 Comments
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The post What Are the Brakes and Accelerators for Your Libido? appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
June 10, 2022
We Can Heal–and Grow Towards a Healthy Faith
Did you all see the Humans of New York posts yesterday? Everyone was sending them to me! It was a 15-post story about a woman who “wasn’t the first preacher’s wife to run away.” It’s all about how she left a fundamentalist church in Arkansas to make a life for herself in New York City.
I thought it went along so well with the podcast yesterday when we told the first part of Alyssa’s story, of growing up in such extreme fundamentalism that you lose your agency and your autonomy.
Please listen to that podcast. So many have said how it touched them! And for many it’s given them a chance to process what happened to them too.
I want to share a few comments that came in yesterday about the podcast. There were so many who shared their story privately, but here are a few who did so publicly:
Her story (so far) is so similar to mine (except worse!!!) But what I experienced, the forced hugs after spankings and so on totally happened. The spankings never lasted an hour (probably only three swats) but maybe that is why I learned to cry very quickly. If I seemed “repentant” I was more likely to get less punishment.. that is, until I was a bit older and shamed for crying (at which point I vowed to never cry in front of people again.)… also, her courtship story. My dad told me when I was late teens how his “dream” was for him “and the young man with the young man’s father all work together to win my heart.” I straight up said that I did NOT want that! And he gave me this look like I just didn’t really know any better and would change my mind or something. I was actually “courted” without my knowledge (for 3 days) by a friend and this guy had told my dad not to tell me, but my dad spent weeks calling his friends and contacts and talking to his dad.. because, this guy never bothered to tell my dad he decided against me (after those 3 days)– It was very confusing and hurtful. From my perspective I had a friend who was suddenly weirdly attentive and then avoided me like the plague. Anyway, the submissive posture she spoke of.. the loneliness.. I experienced that. My world closed more as I grew older rather than expanding as I grew up. I did have friends who were guys unlike her, but I can identify with parts of her story. It is an extreme version of my own. I am learning to be brave and empowered and I am 40! It isn’t easy.. so much to unlearn. I wish more women can be free from patriarchy and fully be the strong brave women God created us to be— We are not just the nurturing nursing mothers, we are the mother bears.. we are not just the passive voices– we are warriors.
I was raised with Gothard too. Even though, we were not quite as extreme with the high priest stuff, I can relate to Alyssa’s story. My mom always told me that feelings were not real and to not trust myself. As a result I needed ended up married to an addict with narcissistic tendencies. So thankful that God got me out of that marriage and I’m healing and learning to trust myself.
I literally broke down crying several times listening to this podcast, because I suddenly didn’t feel so alone in my experience…so much of my confusing childhood began to make more sense. My family joined IBLP when I was a toddler, and we used their resources in homeschooling, and even though we were never on the extreme side, I’m beginning to see how subtly and yet perniciously these toxic teachings wove themselves in my very psyche. I’m 30 now, and the whole “you can’t trust your emotions”, “the heart is wicked”, etc., has led to me experiencing excruciating self-doubt– it’s like I can’t even trust my own reality, because I’ve been gaslit since I was a child. And there’s the whole depriving of one’s agency that Alyssa talked about, which has crippled me because I’m terrified to make my own choices– when she mentioned the forced hugs after an apology, it reminded me of whenever someone in my family hurt me in someway, and my mom told them to apologize, I would be forced to say “I forgive you” right away. I remember when I was about 6 or 7, being an introvert, it took me a while to process my own emotions, and I didn’t want to say “I forgive you” without processing what happened and making sure that I really meant what I said, so I resisted, I just wanted some more time to think about it, but my mom said that I had to choose to forgive right away, because she wouldn’t tolerate bitterness in the house, and if I didn’t say “I forgive you” nicely, then I would be punished. Yes, I would be punished for not forgiving the person who hurt me and who only apologized because they were also coerced. It’s no wonder that I struggle with the concept of forgiveness now as an adult, because it always feels like a violation of my free will, a betrayal of my emotions, a dismissal of my emotions. I long to heal from all these childhood wounds, but I don’t even know where to begin. How do you begin to dismantle things that you were taught when you were so young? I wish the people who came out on the other side of this would talk about more of the practical, day-to-day things they did that began to heal these broken places, instead of just in really vague, general terms.
I thought that was a great question–what next? How do we actually change?Here’s a comment from a woman who is on the parenting side of it, and realizing that she was doing it wrong:
Goodness, we did that to our children. Not an hour of spanking, but spank, hug and tell them we love them. I still find myself using it as an occasional threat, which is so wrong. I stopped actually doing it a couple of years ago when I started to realize I was in an emotionally abusive marriage. I started becoming a better mom (although not perfect, obviously). This is heartbreaking and eye-opening.
She still is on a learning curve, but she’s breaking the cycle.
She’s choosing to do things differently.
We can break the cycle of toxicity too.To the question–how can we learn a better way? I’d encourage you if you’re still struggling with autonomy and agency to listen to our podcast with Krispin Mayfield on attachment styles with God. Then follow the rabbit trail at the bottom of that post to more posts on attachment styles. As we start to understand who Jesus really is, that can help us understand why our upbringing actually hurt us in many ways, and then we can start to see how to heal it.
When it comes to kids, we can also learn a better way of parenting.On June 21, I’m hosting a FREE webinar with Wendy Snyder from Fresh Start Families to help think through other ways of disciplining that don’t involve spanking, controlling, or punishing your children, but instead are geared towards compassionate discipline and training them in a way that empowers them rather than breaks them.
It’s totally free, and you can sign up here!
What if you don't need to control your kids and punish your kids to raise great kids?Let's look at evidence-based parenting methods that WORK that bring life, rather than break our kids' spirits. Plus they're easier on you!
Join us for a FREE webinar June 21 with Wendy Snyder from Fresh Start Families. Start your new parenting journey!
Register Now I just want to say–change is HARD.When you’ve been molded since you were a child to see God in a certain way; to doubt yourself; to think that speaking up is wrong.
It’s hard! Just read that Humans of New York story and see all that she had to go through. It was hard.
And Alyssa’s life has not been easy (as you’ll hear about next week in part 2).
But she’s doing well. She’s healing. And that’s because she’s doing the work.
She’s been doing so much intense therapy with qualified counselors. She’s exploring her relationship with Jesus to find out who He really is–and how He isn’t who she was taught He was. It’s not easy.
So many people who have lived through the kind of childhood Alyssa did find that they are about 20-30 years behind everyone else.Often you can keep pushing through for your twenties and your thirties in toxicity and abuse because you’ve got little kids, and you’re almost in shock. You’re just putting one foot in front of the other.
But finally something has to give. And so women (and men) often find themselves in their late thirties and early forties starting life all over again. Not necessarily divorcing, but re-evaluating everything. Changing their faith communities. Putting limits on extended family. Finally making adult decisions that they didn’t do in their early twenties.
It’s hard. It’s not fair.
My girls were able to get settled early and thrive early, while so many other people weren’t because they weren’t given the right tools as kids. They were hurt, even in the name of God (which is a whole other level of heartbreaking).
It isn’t fair.
But the only way to get healing is through work. Read the books. Change the habits. Get out of toxic communities. Find a healthier expression of church if you need to. See a licensed counselor if you have to.
I wish it were easier. Everyday I hear stories of so much pain, and I just hope I’m helping people see that it doesn’t have to be this way. I hope enough women like Alyssa land on my blog looking for advice for sex on their honeymoon, and in the process may realize that their relationship isn’t healthy. I hope that women who land on this blog this month for help with their libido may realize that libido isn’t the problem–they’re actually not safe.
But I also hope that the women for whom libido IS the problem realize that that takes work too.Change takes work. When life isn’t what we want it to be, that means that we’re going to have to do some work to achieve change.
Sometimes it’s just learning to think differently. Sometimes it’s some daily habits that we’re changing. And sometimes it’s much more fundamental.
But ultimately no one can change you but you.
And that is the way to real freedom, and real healing–even if the road is rocky in the meantime!
Have you ever had to have a drastic change in your life? How did you do it? Let’s talk in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila is determined to help Christians find BIBLICAL, HEALTHY, EVIDENCE-BASED help for their marriage. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts 15 Things That Kill a Woman’s LibidoJun 6, 2022 | 26 Comments
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The post We Can Heal–and Grow Towards a Healthy Faith appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
June 9, 2022
Groomed for an Abusive Arranged Marriage: Alyssa Wakefield’s Story (Podcast)
Did you really consent to that marriage? And how does it even happen in North America today that girls are being pushed into arranged marriages?
Today’s podcast sounds more like one of those True Crime documentaries.
Alyssa Wakefield is the daughter of a couple big in the fundamentalist homeschooling movement; the Gothard movement; and John MacArthur’s church. She married a man big in the same circles, and joined Doug Phillips’ Vision Forum circle.
Homeschooled, she was groomed for an early marriage. They stopped teaching her at 16, though she desperately wanted to go to college. And her father arranged for her marriage to a man more than a decade older than her. That marriage, Alyssa says, was abusive.
Today Alyssa tells her story for the first time–at least her story in her own words. For many years, she and her ex-husband were used as poster children for a successful courtship story. Her story was in homeschooling videos. She’d be up on stage at conferences.
Today she gets to tell the story without her father’s input or her father-in-law’s input. I’m honoured she chose to tell it to us.
Browse all the Different Podcasts
See the Last “Start Your Engines” (Men’s) Podcast
Or, as always, you can watch on YouTube:
Timeline of the Podcast
0:10 This is a new topic for us!
2:15 Alyssa shares her childhood upbringing
9:25 Breaking her will, intro into purity culture and Gothard teachings
17:45 Intro into betrothal culture
21:30 Being a target for grooming
37:15 Fathers made a marriage arrangement
44:15 How Alyssa was selected for her marriage
49:45 Proposal at first real meeting
55:45 Rebecca and Sheila talk through this kind of upbringing
Notice how the whole focus of parenting of Alyssa was fear. Her parents were trying to control her life because they were afraid of outside influences. They use pious words and Christian language, but it all comes down to fear.
And when we’re afraid, we want to control. And so in these communities, there’s a hyper-focus on control. Combine that with a theology that tells men they’re supposed to have power over women, and it’s a toxic mix.
But can you see how Alyssa’s childhood meant that she didn’t have the emotional bandwidth to refuse that marriage? That’s why we need to stop using parenting techniques that try to control our kids, and instead learn to raise them with compassion, guiding them to make good decisions rather than forcing our will on them.
Join us on June 21st for an awesome FREE webinar with Wendy Snyder from Fresh Start Families (she was on our podcast several weeks ago talking about what compassionate discipline looks like.) It’s totally FREE, but you just need to register!
What if you don't need to control your kids and punish your kids to raise great kids?What if you could learn how to practice positive parenting and compassionate discipline, so that your kids feel empowered to make good decisions; more likely to make good choices; and feel close to you so they come to you with issues?
Let’s look at evidence-based parenting methods that WORK that bring life, rather than break our kids’ spirits. Plus they’re easier on you!
Join us for a FREE webinar June 21 with Wendy Snyder from Fresh Start Families. And start your new parenting journey!
Register Now Much of what Alyssa said her parents believed and practiced is actually mainstream evangelical theology.When Rebecca and i were processing Alyssa’s story afterwards, we were commenting on how so much of what she was saying her parents believed and practiced is merely common theology taken to its logical conclusion. Yes, it’s extreme. But it’s still on the same spectrum. It’s still about control. It’s still about men being in charge. It’s still about not trusting your emotions. It’s still about blind obedience.
We need to stop promoting these things as correct at all, even in small increments, because this is what it leads to. We need to realize that the root is the problem. The extremes aren’t the problem–the root is! A little yeast works through the whole batch of dough, as Jesus said. It’s time to put an end to these theologies which try to control women and children, and instead help people thrive as children of God.
Things Mentioned in This Podcast:Our podcast on the Gothard movement with Emily Elizabeth AndersonOur podcast on positive parenting with Wendy SnyderRegister for our free webinar with Wendy!
What did you think of Alyssa’s story? Can you see the commonalities in theology that’s common in evangelicalism and in fundamentalism? Let’s talk in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila is determined to help Christians find BIBLICAL, HEALTHY, EVIDENCE-BASED help for their marriage. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts Daniel Akin, President of Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary, Weaponizes 1 Corinthians 7 Against WomenJun 3, 2022 | 29 Comments
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The post Groomed for an Abusive Arranged Marriage: Alyssa Wakefield’s Story (Podcast) appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
June 8, 2022
A Tale of Three Brains and Libido
We’re starting our “What’s Killing Women’s Libido”? series, and on Monday we launched it looking at 15 things that can kill a woman’s libido. Those were all individual factors that can make libido tank.
I want to switch gears a bit today and talk about the three big elements of your body that influence libido, and see how they all interact. Think of it as the “three brains” of libido–three different parts of you that have different goals, different influences, and different ways of saying, “I want sex” or “i don’t want sex.”
Now, a caveat: I’m going to hugely oversimplify in this post, and anyone who has done any endocrine work and understands hormones will likely be rolling their eyes. I fully acknowledge that! But I just want to show trends and generalities to help people understand this stuff. So forgive me if I’m making it more straightforward than it actually is.
Before we jump in, remember the two elements of desire: physical and mental.Libido is when our minds and bodies meet up and say, “let’s get the sex going!” Our thoughts and emotions want to have sex (that’s the mental desire part) and physically we’re responsive and able to get turned on more easily.
Some people have more of a responsive desire, and some more of a spontaneous desire. Some people are raring to go with sex before they really start making out and cuddling and touching and kissing, and some people more need the touching and kissing to signal, “hey, it’s sexy time!”, and then their bodies respond.
Having a responsive libido does not mean that you aren’t sexual, or that you are less sexual. In our survey of 20,000 women, we found that both responsive and spontaneous desire women felt equally blissful after sex if they started sex confident that they would get aroused–and they did.
All right, with that laying the foundation, let’s look at the three brains.
The Three Brains of Libido: Mental, Emotional, and HormonalMental: Our brains and what we think about sex and our relationship
Emotional: Our feelings and how we view our circumstances
Hormonal: Our physical response to sex.
The Goals of Each of the Three BrainsMental: For flourishing relationships, personal well-being, and a meaningful lifeThe part of you that thinks, that holds your will, that decides what is best for you likely wants you to flourish in every area of your life.
Assuming you’re in a healthy relationship, you want sex to be awesome. You want your marriage to be awesome. You want to feel loved and to love your spouse in return. You want to make your marriage, and your sex life, the best that it can be.
This is the “libido brain” that you can most influence. This is where you exert your will, where you decide what you actually want, no matter what the circumstances are.
Emotional: Keep you safe from outside threatsUnlike the mental part of your brain, the emotional part isn’t deliberate. Yes, what you think can definitely influence your emotions. But your emotions are meant to tell you about the outside world and how you should react to it.
When there’s chaos in your outside world, you will feel stressed and overwhelmed. When there’s distance in your marriage, you will feel lonely and alone and rejected. When the future is unclear, especially about important things like health or job security or relationship security, you will feel worried and anxious. When conditions are relatively good in your relationships and circumstances, you will feel happy and peaceful.
Now, what triggers emotions can be influenced by our attachment styles. And sometimes we aren’t in touch with our emotions, and so we channel them in unhealthy ways, into addictions or other things.
So our emotional brain very rarely works perfectly! But in general, emotions tell us, “is your world all good?” or “are there things in your world that are unstable, threatening, or problematic?” Our emotions tell us if things are all good, or if we should be doing something to fix something.
Hormonal: Have babies that will thriveThen there’s the most “physical” brain, our endocrine system, that determines our hormonal levels and hormonal mixes which makes it easier or harder to get aroused and enjoy sex. This has a genetic component, where some women will have naturally high libidos and hormone levels, and some will have lower.
Remember that at heart we are physical beings, and physically, one of our big roles is to reproduce. So our hormonal systems are heavily geared in that direction. Our bodies prioritize getting pregnant and then raising a healthy child who will thrive.
Let’s sit with this one for a moment, because it’s key to how we experience the ups and downs of libido.
Before menopause, a woman’s “libido” will ebb and flow with her monthly cycle. She’ll feel a libido boost in the days leading up to ovulation, when libido will be at its height. And then, right after ovulation, libido will fall. Your body was saying, “Okay!!!! Now’s the time to have sex!!!! Let’s go!!!!”
And that after that egg is released, your body was like, “Okay, we’re done now. May as well wait until next time.” And over the next few weeks there will be a little bit of a lull (with a pick up right before your period, but we can go into more detail on that in another post perhaps).
When you don’t have a cycle, you won’t get this libido burst.After menopause when ovulation stops, your hormones are no longer working to try to get you pregnant. So libido can drop drastically for many women (combine that with hot flashes and insomnia, as well as a reduction in blood flow to the genitals, and libido can drop even more).
Hormonal birth control, which prevents ovulation, also evens out the libido ups and downs over the month and can prevent that libido burst. I have many women who started marriage on the Pill, took it for five or six years, and then went off it to get pregnant write to me and say, “I always thought I was the low libido spouse! But HOLY COW! I never realized what I was supposed to be feeling.”
Your body also wants to nurture the babies you will/do haveNot only does your body want to get pregnant; it also wants to make sure the babies that you have thrive. When you’re pregnant, then, often libido drops initially because your body is putting all of its energy into making that little baby grow well (in the second trimester libido often bursts for various hormonal reasons that I won’t go into right now).
Once you do have a baby, though, remember that the priority is now feeding that baby. Your body is putting its energy into producing milk. The hormones that go into milk production also prevent ovulation, or at least make it less likely. Your body wants to be able to make sure that this baby can thrive, and it’s much harder to do good milk production if you’re pregnant again. So your body doesn’t want to ovulate too early (when the baby is still feeding frequently), AND your body doesn’t want you to have sex and get pregnant.
So breastfeeding can largely crater a woman’s libido as well.
Your general physical well-being also signals whether babies will thrive.If you’re eating well, get lots of exercise, and are generally a healthy person, then babies are more likely to do well if you get pregnant. But if you’re really tired, don’t have good nutrition, and aren’t getting a lot of exercise, then those babies may not thrive as well and your body may want to preserve your energy to get pregnant later. So our physical well-being signals to our body whether this is a good time to get pregnant as well, and all of that can influence our hormone levels! (Plus better nutrition simply helps our hormones balance better all on their own).
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Let's add some heat! How do the different “brains” interact with each other when it comes to libido?We have different levels of control over each of the different brains:Mental: Most control
Emotional: Some control
Hormonal: No control (though we do have some control over our general physical well-being)
And yet what’s the influence on libido?Mental: Some/minimal influence
Emotional: Some influence
Hormonal: Lots of influence
See the problem? The areas we have the most control over have the least influence on felt libido.
Here’s the thing, though: these areas have a lot of influence over other areas.
Emotionally you’re not in a good place. You’re overwhelmed by mental load. You haven’t been getting along with your husband. You feel lonely and taken for granted.
Your kids aren’t sleeping well and so you’re not getting a lot of sleep, and so you’re feeling frazzled. Your body is feeling really worn down.
You know that you have to work on your marriage and fix things, because the distance is growing, and you’re not sure what to do now.
So mentally you’re not focused on celebrating your marriage and experiencing passion; you know that something needs to be fixed. This is affecting your emotional state as well. Your emotions are telling you that this isn’t a safe relationship or a good time to have a baby.
And so now your emotions tell your libido, loudly and clearly: BACK OFF.
It’s not that you deliberately are doing this. In fact, you may actually be wanting to boost your libido, thinking that more sex will help your marriage! But the bigger picture of your emotional state and your worn out physical state is telling your hormones: “now’s not the time!”
And since your hormones are largely (not entirely) focused on having healthy, thriving babies, your libido may tank.
How can this play out to boost your libido?
Your mind says, “I want to enjoy sex more with my husband. I want to want sex, and I want to experience real passion!”
You start to look around and see some of the roadblocks to your libido, like not getting consistent sleep, being too busy at night to spend any real time together, doing things at night that don’t foster libido.
So you decide to stop streaming crime shows at night and start having a bubble bath and listening to relaxing music. You say no to some of the extra activities in your calendar. You decide to spend a night a week to do a new hobby with your husband. (Maybe you’re like Keith and me and you do ballroom dancing classes online!).
You and your husband sit down and figure out ways to improve the kids’ bedtime routine so it’s not so chaotic. You talk about some of the stress you’re feeling with your relationship with your mom and how to build better boundaries.
Now your emotional state is more calm. You feel closer to your husband and more blissful and safe with him. Your physical body isn’t as tired. You’re giving your mind and emotions more mental cues that “sex is on the table!” with the bubble bath.
And desire suddenly comes more easily, because your hormonal system is saying, “hey, this is a safe relationship! We’re firing on all cylinders!”
Remember that, barring breastfeeding or menopause, libido is like an early warning system that there’s something not right in your world.When getting turned on is difficult; when responding sexually is difficult; it could be that there’s something wrong somewhere. You’re too stressed. Your relationship isn’t safe or secure (and your body is trying to prevent you from getting pregnant if you’re not safe or secure). You’re not physically feeling well. You have too much on your plate.
And, of course, it could just be that the messages you’ve heard about sex make sex feel unsafe in the first place! (thanks Every Man’s Battle).
In our Boost Your Libido course, which we’re updating right as we speak (hope to launch at the end of the month!), we talk about what goes into the mental and emotional and physical aspects of libido, and how you can address each one of them to see what’s holding you back.
Because sometimes you want to want sex, but your body just won’t cooperate. I hope this month we can help you get to the bottom of why, and help you understand how your body works better!
Today, though, the big takeaway is this:
There’s actually logic behind libido.It may be frustrating. You may wish it all were easier. But there is usually a reason (or many reasons!) that your body works the way it does, and understanding those reasons can help unlock more flourishing in your marriage and your sex life.
Is there an element that’s working overtime for you? Have you found that breastfeeding kills libido? Let’s talk in the comments!
What's Killing Women's Libido? Series15 Things that Kill Libido for WomenA Tale of Three Brains and LibidoHow Brakes and Accelerators Influence Libido (coming soon)and more!PODCAST: Have we made sex a yes space for men?PODCAST: What's killing women's libido? (coming at the end of the month)Plus don't miss our revamped Boost Your Libido course, launching soon!
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila is determined to help Christians find BIBLICAL, HEALTHY, EVIDENCE-BASED help for their marriage. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts PODCAST: Is Sex a “Yes Space” for Men? And What Does that Do to Women’s Libido?Jun 2, 2022 | 13 Comments
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June 7, 2022
Do Conservative Evangelicals Have Better Sex and Less Abuse? Our Response to Josh Howerton
And why it’s important when we hear someone who isn’t trained in statistics using studies to “prove” their point, when the point sounds like a stretch, to actually check their sources.
In February, Dallas SBC megachurch pastor Josh Howerton published a viral twitter thread claiming that conservative Christians were doing better than the world on a variety of measures, including sex and abuse.The thread went huge; Matt Chandler, pastor at The Village Church and head of the Acts 29 movement retweeted it, as did many others; Howerton eventually turned it into an article for The Gospel Coalition.
The only problem? The sources that he used didn’t say what he thought they did.
We already talked about Josh Howerton and stats on a podcast, but we really wanted to turn it into an article so that it could get wider exposure, and thankfully The Baptist News picked it up yesterday.
A quick synopsis of the problems that Josh Howerton had with the statsHe conflates “conservative Christians” with “highly religious”
In the report Howerton used for his claims, conservative evangelicals who believe in male hierarchy are a small subset of the highly religious, and we don’t know whether they’re bringing the average up or bringing the average down.
He only uses subjective measures of women’s sexual satisfaction
They never asked about orgasm rates or rates of sexual pain, but simply if you’re satisfied with your sex life. This made us think of a new stat for Joanna to run, and we found that women who believe marriage should have a hierarchy are more likely to report being satisfied with the amount they orgasm when they never orgasm. They’re also more likely to have sex more than once a week even if they have sexual pain. So women who believe that marriage is a hierarchy, exactly the theology that Josh is praising, are more likely to consider their own experience irrelevant.
He ignores what the report says about abuse
He claims that conservative Christians have less abuse specifically because of their theology, but then ignores what the report actually says about abuse–which shows that religion doesn’t protect against abuse, and there’s a trend that his theology makes abuse worse.
We spent a lot of time writing this article last week, and as usual, most of the awesome sentences are Rebecca’s. Joanna ran new stats, and I figured out how to put this all together. Please read it! It’s awesome. And share it far and wide.
I actually do believe that followers of Jesus have better sex and less abuse.And I think the report’s findings, along with ours, bear this out. The problem is that we know certain interpretations of Bible passages that prioritize men over women make marriage and sex worse. And Howerton belongs to a denomination that largely preaches that, as he appears to in his own church.
Again, as we talked about last week, the head of an SBC seminary said that 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 was a command to women to be sexually available for their husbands–a gross misuse of that passage which is completely mutual.
As we showed in The Great Sex Rescue, Jesus helps. But when you add toxic teaching to the mix, things get really ugly.
Here’s our conclusion in the article:
Evangelical culture has told women sex is about satisfying a man’s needs so he won’t stray. We’ve made sex a male entitlement and a female obligation, turning it from a knowing into an owing. Should we be surprised when women downplay our own needs?
Yes, religiosity tends to bring better sex and marriage. But that does not mean evangelicals who believe in male hierarchy do better. In fact, they consistently have been shown to do worse on many measures than other Christians who attend church frequently, especially if you look at objective measures rather than just subjective ones.
Maybe instead of standing in public and declaring, “Thank God I am better than those people over there,” we should, in all humility, sit down and listen to the pain of the people in our own pews. It’s time to take the plank out of our own eye.
Sheila Wray GregoireBaptist News, Do conservative evangelicals enjoy better sex and marriage? A response to Josh Howerton
Now for some extra commentary that didn’t make it into the article!Does Josh Howerton think women shouldn’t work outside the home?Okay, this is just something that I find funny, but here’s what I think Howerton likely did to write his thread: He got a hold of the IFS report and glanced through it, trying to find charts that he liked that could prove his point, and then used those charts. But I wonder if he ever actually read the report? Because he certainly ignored their conclusions.
But even more than that, I wonder if he read the definitions of the categories? For instance, this is the chart where Howerton says his theology brings about the best outcomes for marriage, associating himself with the “traditional” rather than “egalitarian.”
He may have looked at that chart and thought, “I’m gender traditional not gender progressive!”, thinking that the definition referred to sexuality. But the definition that the IFS used in their report was whether or not you believed women should work outside the home. I wonder if Howerton realized that he was agreeing that women shouldn’t work outside the home?
(And just FYI–there is no statistical difference between gender progressive and gender traditional highly religious in this chart).
Let’s talk about the difficulty in measuring the effects of complementarianismOne other thought that we wanted to put in the article but we just didn’t have word count.
We explained how it’s helpful to use both objective and subjective measures of satisfaction–like orgasm rates and rates of sexual pain (which are objective) alongside rates of self-reported satisfaction (which is subjective) because it gives us a clearer picture. Sometimes people rate themselves as really happy, even when objectively they don’t have much to be happy about. Doesn’t mean they’re not really happy; it just tells us more.
But this is a really confusing thing in studies, because those who believe in hierarchy, or complementarianism, often show up as really happy on surveys, and often do have amazing satisfaction rates. Yet at the same time, objective measures show things are worse–abuse, orgasm rates, etc.
What’s going on?
Well, here’s another factor: most people who say they believe in hierarchy actually practice equality. I’ve talked about this at length, but our study for The Great Sex Rescue found that believing in hierarchy doesn’t hurt you; acting it out, however, does. When we looked at who actually made decisions in the family, when the husband makes the final decision, even if he consults with his wife first, divorce rates skyrocket, orgasm plummets, and lots of terrible things happen.
That’s why I’ve told pastors to start preaching what they practice. Most pastors practice egalitarian decision making, but preach that the man should make the final decision. And when they preach that, we now know it’s going to significantly hurt 20% of their congregants. Because only about 20% of people who believe it actually practice it.
That’s also why in surveys I’d like people to stop merely measuring beliefs (subjective) and seeing how beliefs correlate to outcomes, and start measuring what people actually practice (objective). Then I think we’d get a much clearer picture!
Final thoughts on Josh Howerton and our articleYou have no idea how satisfying it was to write that article! It’s been something we’ve wanted to do for a few months, but our book edits were consuming us.
I’ve been thinking, though, about this tendency among evangelicals to try to prove an agenda rather than having a good-faith attempt to look at what the data actually shows. I talked about Josh Howerton a few months ago, too, with how he was trying to figure out how to plagiarize people in sermons, because he wanted to know how to quote someone who said something smart that you disagree with, without naming them. And it’s like–dude, you can’t do that. That’s unethical. (And he’s , even when using their work).
When we’re trying to build an army for our side, and we see everything as a big war where we can’t concede an inch, we’re never going to find God and we won’t find truth because we’re not open to being challenged.
But we don’t need to be scared. Jesus is the Way, the Truth, and the Life. We can look at stats full on the face and we don’t need to think it’s going to undermine our belief in God. It may undermine our interpretation of some things, but that’s a good thing! That’s what Jesus told us to do! He said that a bad tree can’t bear good fruit, and a good tree can’t bear bad fruit. We’re allowed to ask questions!
Finally, I find it very ironic to see so many Baptist megachurch pastors almost giddy about Howerton’s claims that Christian women have less abuse and better sex.(Even though the report he cites doesn’t say that those who believe in gender hierarchy experience that).
To see Matt Chandler happy about it; Howerton happy about it; The Gospel Coalition, which is mostly men in power, happy about it; well, it’s off-putting.
How about we listen to 20,000 evangelical women instead?
What if you're NOT the problem with your sex life?What if the messages that you've been taught have messed things up--and what if there's a way to escape these toxic teachings?
It's time for a Great Sex Rescue. Buy it on Amazon! Where Else Can I Buy It?
What do you think? Let’s talk in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila is determined to help Christians find BIBLICAL, HEALTHY, EVIDENCE-BASED help for their marriage. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts Is Evangelicalism Wrecking Women’s Libido?Jun 1, 2022 | 40 Comments
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June 6, 2022
15 Things That Kill a Woman’s Libido
In the month of June I want to look at some of the reasons that women’s libido is often so low, and look at what we can do about that.
Now, I know that many of you reading this blog have the opposite problem–your libido is actually higher than your husband’s, and you’re left frustrated! What I’d like to suggest is that while this is a relationship problem for sure, it isn’t necessarily a libido problem. You may not actually have an abnormal libido. You may actually have a normal libido! It may be that most other women who never want sex actually have libido issues.
(And I’ll try to write some posts for women with higher libidos as well!)
Here’s the thing: we know that, in the larger population, women will always have a slightly lower libido than men, simply because biologically our libidos are made to be more sensitive to outside cues. That makes sense. Women are the ones who get pregnant, and so have greater costs to having sex, and so our bodies want to protect us from taking on a huge task when conditions aren’t perfect. So if we’re not feeling safe and loved in a relationship, our libido may suffer more than a man’s in a similar situation.
But this does not mean that women were created to have virtually no libido.Here’s what I want to argue this month:
What if women’s libido, especially in evangelical circles, has been artificially lowered? And what if that means that we can find a route to boost women’s libido to its natural level–or higher?What if the baseline for libido, especially among evangelical Christians, has been lowered?
We actually found signs of that in our survey of 20,000 women for our book The Great Sex Rescue. We found that believing certain things caused fewer women to be in the shared libido or higher libido category.
But it’s not just beliefs that can lower our libido. It’s a whole combination of things!In The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex, we were trying to explain to men that libido isn’t actually the problem. When all things are firing on all cylinders in different aspects of the marriage, then libido tends to take care of itself. We presented men with this formula:
If someone has a low libido, then, we need to ask, “what, on this equation, isn’t working?” And that’s what we proceeded to do in the following pages of The Good Guy’s Guide to Great Sex!
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Order NowSo let’s break this down and see what may be killing women’s libido!
Emotional HealthAnything that disrupts her emotional health, or triggers negative associations with sex, is likely to kill a woman’s libido.
1. Past trauma, including sexual abuseIf she has trauma from abuse, especially sexual abuse, it’s going to affect her libido because she isn’t going to feel safe in sexual situations.
If this is your story, please see a licensed counselor with experience in evidence-based trauma therapies.
2. Insecure attachment stylesOur own attachment styles can also kill our libido. If we’re struggling with any form of insecure attachment, being emotionally vulnerable will be difficult–and vulnerability is the key to libido and passion. See our series on attachment from last month to help with this.
3. Negative messages about sexWhat if you grew up hearing that all men struggle with lust, it’s every man’s battle, and so you need to cover up your body to make sure grown men don’t lust after you since you’re a stumbling block? How would you feel about your body? How would you feel about sex?
Negative messages can impact how we see sex, which was why we wrote The Great Sex Rescue. It seems to us that all the authors complaining about women’s low libido have actually largely caused the problem in the first place!
For instance, we looked at the effects of the “all men struggle with lust” message on women’s libido, and here’s what we concluded:
If you read a book from the Every Man’s Battle series, then, or read For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn, which also teaches this message, your libido is likely lower than it would have been otherwise.
4. Other mental health issues, such as depression, or general life stressIf one’s mental health is suffering, libido is going to suffer. Please know that mental health issues do not mean that you have a weak faith, or that God is angry at you. Again, please see a licensed therapist, or even talk to your physician about this.
If you’re experiencing a great deal of stress in your life, from work, or situations that can’t be fixed easily (like a child with special needs, or ill parents), build whatever margins you can into your life, and get as much help as you can!
Physical HealthWhen our physical health is compromised, sex is going to be affected.
5. Sexual pain, such as vaginismusOur study for The Great Sex Rescue found that evangelical women suffer from sexual pain at at least twice the rate of the general population, and much of that increase is due to the negative messaging around sex and our bodies that we grow up with.
When sex hurts, you’re obviously not going to want it! If this is your story, please read The Great Sex Rescue and see a pelvic floor physiotherapist.
We found that roughly 23% of women had primary sexual pain, and about 28% of women had sexual pain after childbirth. Please seek help, because sex shouldn’t hurt.
6. Chronic pain or chronic illnessesAny chronic pain, or chronic illness, can also affect libido. If you have chronic conditions, see a massage therapist, physiotherapist, or physician. Do what you can to help yourself! Even unhealthy eating habits or never getting any exercise can hurt libido, so whatever steps you can take to get healtheir–even if they’re just small steps–can also help libido.
7. Simple exhaustionFinally, no one wants sex if they’d rather just sleep. When you’re chronically exhausted, then libido will fall by the wayside.
That’s why uneven mental load is such a huge libido killer. When women carry the majority of the details and responsibilities for the daily life of the family, they’re often physically and mentally exhausted. A great way to boost libido, then, is to balance mental load!
8. Hormone or other libido issuesHere’s the only category where it could actually be a true libido issue–if hormones are really out of whack. Menopause can cause this, as can other hormone problems earlier in life. Even breastfeeding or hormonal birth control can cause this. If you feel like you’ve never experienced sexual desire or arousal at all, please see a physician. Or if you used to be quite sexually responsive, but now you’re not, and there’s no obvious reason, please see a physician.
Relationship SecurityWhen we can’t trust our spouse, our libido will naturally tank because sex isn’t emotionally safe for us.
If your spouse has been using porn, you’re not going to want to have sex! Porn use cannot be tolerated. It objectifies women (and objectifies you); is a huge betrayal, and simply must end. Listen in to our podcast from a few weeks ago on how to do a porn triage.
10. Prior infidelityIf your husband had an affair, or chatted with women online, or went to a strip club, or had a porn problem, even if these things are in the past, it may be that you don’t feel like you can trust him again yet, and sexual feelings haven’t returned. This could very well be your body protecting you because he hasn’t shown real signs of repentance yet (saying sorry isn’t enough).
If this is your story, please see a licensed counselor.
11. Obligation sexIf she feels like she has to have sex under threat–because she’ll lose his love; he’ll watch porn; he’ll have an affair; he won’t talk to her anymore–then sex is no longer freely entered into. It’s no longer about two people “knowing” each other and experiencing each other; it’s just a taking from her. No woman wants to be objectified and used, and if sex becomes an obligation, or even worse, coercion, then her libido will disappear (and pain rates will skyrocket). Check out The Great Sex Rescue for how this plays out! We found huge evidence of these obligation messages throughout evangelical culture.
Emotional Connection
Sex is supposed to be a deep “knowing” of two people (Genesis 4:1), where you bring all that you are to the bedroom, and you’re accepted anyway.
In other words, sex is supposed to be the culmination of your emotional connection, not the cause of it. Some people want sex in order to feel connected, but they don’t want to do the work of actually connecting. Sex cannot replace a deep connection, and if you continue to have sex when there is no emotional connection, libido will tank.
13. Feeling taken for granted, or like your husband is a childPeople want to have sex with someone who is a genuine partner, who ignites your passion. But how can passion be ignited if your spouse acts like you aren’t a partner, but instead a maid? How can you feel passion for someone who you end up treating more like a child?
If your spouse doesn’t share the mental load or the parenting responsibilities, but instead acts as if they’re one more thing you need to take care of, then it’s very hard for passion to grow. Again, see my mental load series!
14. Being the brunt of a pornified style of relatingIf your husband has a pornified style of relating, where sex isn’t about a “knowing”, but is only about a taking, and when he blames his lust or objectification of other women on you (or on those other women), then it’s going to be awfully hard for libido to flourish!
Physically Satisfying Sex15. She never orgasmsQuite frankly, why would you want to do something which never feels good for you? And evangelicals have a 47-point orgasm gap, where 95% of men almost always/always reach orgasm during a sexual encounter, but only 48% of women do. If that’s your story, check out our orgasm course!
How many of these boxes do you check?Some of us will only check a few–I score 2/15, because I’ve got some chronic back pain and some stress–and some of us will score a lot higher.
Can you see how, if you score higher, you don’t have a libido problem? You have other problems.
Low libido is rarely the issue; low libido is usually a symptom of the issue. What if you're NOT the problem with your sex life?What if the messages that you've been taught have messed things up--and what if there's a way to escape these toxic teachings?
It's time for a Great Sex Rescue. Buy it on Amazon! Where Else Can I Buy It? This month we’ll be looking at how we can start to address some of these low libido issues.Others we won’t look at, because I’ve already dealt with them at length (and follow the links for even more!).
But as we launch in, I want you to do one more thing for me:
Look again at that list, and see how many of these libido killers are newer cultural phenomenon that the church may have contributed to.When I say “the church is artificially lowering a woman’s libido”, this is what I mean.
The negative messages about sex; the obligation message; the priority on his orgasm; seeing her pleasure as unnecessary, or not even worth mentioning (like Love & Respect); making mental illness into a spiritual failing rather than a real problem; telling women they get over sexual abuse just by forgiving (so women are blamed for being spiritually weak if they still have trauma); encouraging the pornified style of relating; encouraging uneven mental load. And so on. And so on.
Is it any wonder that evangelical women appear to have lower libidos than women in the general population?
We can fight against this by reclaiming sex as God intended. And hopefully, as we do that, we’ll rediscover libido too! I hope you enjoy this series this month!
What did yo score? Was there something I left out? Let’s talk in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum
Sheila is determined to help Christians find BIBLICAL, HEALTHY, EVIDENCE-BASED help for their marriage. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts ATTACHMENT SERIES: How Can You Grow a Healthy Attachment Style?May 31, 2022 | 6 Comments
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