Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 269

What Do You Do If You Discover Your Daughter is Having Sex?

I received a desperate tweet recently from a woman who said:

Just found out my 16-year-old daughter is sleeping with her boyfriend. What do I do?

That’s so difficult. Most parents desperately want their children to avoid the heartache and potentially devastating consequences from early sexual involvement–and indeed even sex before marriage. I’ve written before about why it’s important to wait.

But what do you do when you discover that your teenager–whether your son or your daughter–is already having sex? Here are some action steps:

1. Express “Disappointment FOR”, not “Disappointment IN”

You want to keep the lines of communication open, so it’s important not to go ballistic. If you yell and scream, you’ll only push your child further away, and you want to still have some influence in his or her life. It may be best not to have a conversation right when you discover it. Take a while to calm down and to pray.

Then, when you do talk to them, avoid saying things like, “I just never thought you’d do this,” or, “I’m so disappointed in you.” It’s far better, instead, to express disappointment FOR them. Say something like, “I just wanted the best life for you, and I’m worried that now you’ve made some bad choices that could really endanger that. I wanted this to be something special between you and your husband, and I’m just disappointed for you that you won’t experience that now.” It’s important that they know that you disapprove, but it should still be couched in love. You disapprove not because this reflects badly on you, or because they have hurt your feelings for rejecting your counsel. You disapprove because you love them, you want the best for them, and this is not the best.

2. Don’t Make Rash “You Can’t See Him Anymore” Pronouncements

If your child is sleeping with his or her significant other, threatening them by saying, “I forbid you to see them again” isn’t likely to work. You can’t force someone to feel something differently than they feel, and chances are they’re quite “in love” at the moment, or at least fancy themselves that way. If you try to stop them from seeing that person, you could create a situation where they’ll go behind your back, or you could create more of an “us” vs. “them” scenario, where you inadvertently push them towards their boyfriend/girlfriend because you don’t understand them. For a teen, being understood is the most important thing in the world. They are likely with that boyfriend or girlfriend because they feel understood. If you then forbid that relationship, you’re showing that you don’t understand. And now your son or daughter is even less likely to listen to you.

3. Limit Your Teen’s Activities

At the same time, while we can’t forbid feelings, and likely can’t sever a relationship, that doesn’t mean that there’s nothing we can do. Quite simply, you are still the parent, and thus you are still responsible for your child’s safety. And having sex at 16 is not safe.

You also still have power over the purse strings and over your child’s movements. Use that power.

If your teen is having sex, then they have to be having sex SOMEWHERE. It doesn’t just happen; they need a private place to do so. What I would suggest, then, is minimizing the chance that such privacy can happen (and indeed, this is something all parents should do, not just parents who discover their kids are having sex). So make it clear that your teen cannot have friends over when you’re not home. When they are open, they have to be in a public space, or have the door open. I remember as a teen many of my friends had the “no blankets” rule, too. When you’re watching a movie together, you can’t be under the same blanket.

If your child has been having sex at someone else’s house, then they’re not allowed to go that house anymore. If they’ve been having sex in a car, then they can’t go out alone in that car.

Yes, your child will likely kick and scream, but their safety is more important.

Part of the tricky nature of this, though, is that the place could easily be at the girlfriend’s/boyfriend’s house, especially if the parents don’t share your concerns. I’d talk to the parents and tell them that you have a rule that they cannot be alone in the house, and you would ask the parents to support that rule. If you feel as if they don’t (and I have known parents to lie to other sets of parents), then tell  your child that he or she simply can’t go over there anymore, and you expect them home after school.

Remember, you do have some control. You control the car. You control the money. You can ground them. It’s difficult, but you can do it. And don’t hesitate to do so if you feel that your child is doing something that is very harmful at someone else’s house.

4. Embrace the Girlfriend/Boyfriend

This may sound counterintuitive, but I’d firmly suggest embracing the child’s girlfriend or boyfriend. I know you’re angry right now, and you want them to separate as much as possible. But there are two possible futures here: either this is the person that your child is going to marry, in which case you had better get to know them and have as good a relationship as possible; or the relationship will peter out. And one great way to get a relationship to peter out is to involve that person in the family, so that your child can see that he or she doesn’t fit. So have them over for dinner and a games night. If you’re going out for a hike, take them with you. Involve them in things where you are all together.

If the relationship isn’t going to last, it’s likely because your child will see that the person really doesn’t fit. Chances are the majority of the interaction between your child and his or her significant other has been spent making out, telling each other how much they love each other, and telling each other how much no one else understands them. That seems to be quite typical for teenage relationships. If you suddenly encourage this other person to do normal, family things, then you force “regular” interactions between the two of them. And that’s when personality or value clashes become more evident.

I’ve seen this happen in several families that I’m close to. One particular friend, whom I’ll call Diane, has decided that anytime her teenagers date she’s going to embrace that significant other, and treat it as a discipling opportunity. So she’ll bake cookies with him or her. She’ll take them out for chats. She’ll send them encouraging notes on Facebook. And slowly but surely she starts being able to speak into their lives more.

In both cases that I’m thinking of, Diane was sure that the particular girl was not meant for her son. But she knew that her son loved these girls (not at the same time; don’t worry!) and so she couldn’t push them away. But they both grew in Christ by being close to Diane, and when the inevitable breakup came, it was largely because these girls realized that they didn’t fit into Diane’s son’s world (which they didn’t). But God still used that relationship and Diane to bring those girls closer to Himself.

She still had strict rules about how they couldn’t be alone in the house, but she didn’t forbid them from seeing each other, because that doesn’t really work.

That, then, would be my strategy. Embrace the girlfriend or boyfriend, but limit the opportunities for them to actually have sex. Don’t come down on the relationship and forbid it; just tell your child that you want the best for them.

And then, when a breakup does happen (as it does in almost all cases), at least you haven’t broken the relationship with your child, and you’re still there to help pick up the pieces.

What about you? Has this ever happened to you? Or were you on the other side of it as a teen? What did you parents do? Let me know in the comments!

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Reader Question of the Week: Ready for the Wedding Night

Every weekend I like to throw up a question someone sends in and let you readers have a go at it. No matter what stage of life you are at, we all have an idea of what we want our honeymoon night to look like–to make it special. This reader is asking…

Sheila, I’ve bought The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex to read before my wedding in six weeks, but my fiance is wondering what he should read. Do you have any suggestions? He wants to know what he should do to get ready for the wedding night, or what he should expect.

So, dear readers, what advice would you give a young man who is about to get married about how to make the honeymoon fun and meaningful?  Leave your thoughts in the comments!



And don’t forget: The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex makes a great gift for any woman about to get married. So if you’re going to a bridal shower this spring, bring it along! .

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A Summer Dress Code

Every Friday my syndicated column appears in a bunch of newspapers in southeastern Ontario and Saskatchewan. What is the appropriate dress code for summer? How do we bring back class?



Twenty years ago a building in Blackburn, England was scheduled to be demolished. Before the wrecking ball swung, construction workers discovered some old film reels in a metal tub. Historians took a look, and found some of the earliest footage of a street in Belfast from 1901. I spent some time watching some on it on YouTube the other day, and what really impressed me was how dressed up all the pedestrians were. Men in suits rode bicycles and horses. All the women donned dresses with their hair pulled back. People were classy.

We’re not classy anymore; we aim to be comfortable instead. In some ways it’s a good trend; I’d hate to be in long skirts with long sleeves in the middle of summer. But at the same time I feel as if we have lost a bit of a sense of community pride as we have dressed down. When we show pride in ourselves, we inject pride into the community. When we appear trashy, then the community takes a nosedive.

And so, perhaps, in the spirit of building community, we could talk about a summer dress code that could restore some decency and some class.

First, let’s talk Speedos. As a comedienne once said, there’s a very narrow window when Speedos look good on a guy, and that’s between the ages of 6 and 10. If you are not between those ages, then please cover up more. When I’m on the beach, I want to be free to scan the horizon to look at sand and water, not scan the horizon only to have to avert my eyes. Yes, I have to share the beach. But I would rather not be reminded of absolutely everything I am sharing it with.

Speaking of too little fabric, let’s turn now to bikini tops, most of which consist of less fabric than the average WonderBra. A bikini top is part of a bathing suit. You may clue in to this because they are purchased at the “bathing suit” section of a store. Thus, if one chooses to wear one, one should wear it at a place where bathing is done.  If there is no water within one hundred feet, then it’s no longer an acceptable wardrobe choice.

Here’s something else that bugs me: there is a point at which a leg is no longer a leg, but becomes a different body part.  When one is wearing shorts, this point should never be visible. Shorts should descend part way down the leg—not part way up the butt. And the bottom of shorts should be parallel to the ground; they should not be shaped like a V. A V is acceptable at the neck; it is not acceptable at the crotch.

Now guys, you’re not off the hook when it comes to shorts, either. While I don’t want them to crawl too far up, I’d also prefer that they not fall too far down. I would prefer not to know whether you choose Hanes or Fruit of the Loom; that’s for your grandma to know when she wraps your Christmas presents, not for me to know when I’m standing next to you at the mall.

Some things are just meant to be kept private. I know in this era of reality TV we like to let it all hang out, but I personally would prefer if we would stuff some back in. I think that would lead to a far friendlier community this summer, one where I do not fear having to avert my eyes.

Don’t miss a Reality Check! Sign up to receive it FREE in your inbox every week!

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The Right Attitude for Improving a Marriage

What’s the best way to make a marriage better?

Yesterday we were talking about how they key is to look inward, at our own hearts, and do what we can to stop being selfish.

During my devotions recently I came across this passage about asking for help, and I thought it was very apt. From The Word For You Today for May 24, it says:

When someone comes to you with a personal problem, ask them the following questions: What do you think caused the problem? What have you done about it? What Scriptures are you standing on? What do you think I might be able to do that you haven’t already done? These questions will help you weed out those who genuinely want help from those who only want attention. Some people see prayer as a magic wand; they think you can wave it over them and their problem will just go away, then they can go back to living their lives the way they please.

That’s harsh, I know. But it’s also true.

The passage is really written to those who are giving advice, but I think it applies to those of us who want answers to problems, too. When you’re in the midst of a relationship problem, ask yourself, what caused it? What can I do about it? What Scriptures do I believe about this?

This helps put the onus back on us to deal with the issue, rather than blaming someone else.

So let me use this as a warning when we’re asking advice from friends about problems.

A true friend will listen to you, but will not allow you to wallow in your sorrow. A true friend will remind you of the promises of Scripture; they won’t feed your anger. A true friend won’t bad mouth other people to you, and won’t intensify your bitterness. A true friend will point you through it.

If you’re walking through a hard time in your marriage, surround yourself with true friends. Our tendency, when we’re hurting, is to look for someone who will empathize with us and who will get all riled up on our behalf. But ultimately that isn’t helpful. It may make you feel temporarily better, but it doesn’t solve the problem or get to the heart of the problem.

Find someone who will ask, “what Scriptures are you standing on?” “What have you already done to make this better?” “What else do you think you could do?”

And find someone who will pray with you–not that your husband will come to his senses, but that God will use the situation to bring both of you closer to Him. That’s really more in line with what God wants, and that’s far more likely to bring big rewards for everyone.

If you’re wondering how to find such a friend, or even where to start, let me point you to Cheri Gregory’s PURSE-onality challenge that’s been happening all through the month of May. Her goal is to help people replace their “baditude” with God’s word and gratitude. When we do that, our marriages–and the rest of our relationships–will thrive! I really encourage you to see what Cheri’s writing. It’s not too late to start now!

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Wifey Wednesday: The Root of Marriage Problems–Selfishness

It’s Wednesday, which means it’s time for a marriage post and link-up party! I’ll write a post about marriage, and then you all can link up one of your own below!

On this blog, I talk a lot about how to create a dynamic, intimate marriage. We look at how to make your sex life better. We look at parenting, and resolving conflict, and coming to terms with your past.

And I try to offer some practical tips of how to overcome some of the more common problems, because I know many of you are really looking for some help.

For many couples, though, these practical solutions aren’t going to cut it, because the problem is far deeper than that. And that problem is selfishness.

[image error] Ricardo Liberato via Compfight

Let me tell you the story of one couple I know:

They married young, very much in love. They were opposites, and opposites can attract very quickly–but often repel just as quickly. And soon after marriage, they both started noticing things that really bugged them about each other. She wanted him to stay home and have a quiet evening with the babies and her. She wanted them to go to the park together. She wanted to eat dinner as a family.

He, on the other hand, wanted to get out and DO something. He could never sit still. He was starting two businesses on the side while holding down a full-time job. He often answered emails until late into the night. He would play with the kids, but it wasn’t his priority because he didn’t know how to engage them.

After a few years they started to drift apart. He felt constant condemnation from her because he wasn’t a good husband or good father, so he just retreated more into work. He stopped going to church. He started having the occasional beer again. Their sex life became shallow and rare.

Whenever she talked about him, she told everyone who would listen how he wasn’t a good husband and a good father. She told people how he wouldn’t play with the kids, and asked for advice on how to make him. She constantly asked about how to get him to go to counseling, or to a marriage conference.

And finally they broke up.

Now here’s the thing: both of them were absolutely certain that the other person was not supporting them. Both of them were sure that the other person was selfish. Both of them were sure that they were in the right.

You can look at this story and say that he was mostly to blame, because he didn’t spend time with the family (and many women would feel that way). Or you could look at it and say she was mostly to blame because she always complained about her husband and talked badly about him and tried to change him.

Here’s the issue: it doesn’t matter who is more to blame. That’s a silly argument anyway. God doesn’t ask us to figure out who is more to blame. Where in the Bible does it say that if the other person is more to blame, we can then justify our selfishness?

Yet I’m not being selfish, you may say. How can I show him affection and accept him when he’s acting so badly towards the family? How can I reach out to him when he doesn’t even show me that he loves me? That’s unfair and unrealistic. God wouldn’t ask me to do something that’s impossible.

Let me submit to you that if there is something that you can do to make your marriage better, and you choose not to do it, then you are being selfish.

God says, in Matthew 7:3-5 (NIV),

“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4 How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”

Now why does Jesus stick us with the plank and give our husbands with the speck? Why are we always the one who is more to blame? Does Jesus think that you are worse than your husband?

I don’t think that’s the point. I think it’s that if we examine ourselves, we will always find a plank, because only we and God know our hearts and our motivations. You can always see your sins better than you can see anyone else’s. And it is our selfishness and our sin that we need to be concerned with.

Note that it also doesn’t say that we never deal with our husband’s issues. The key is that once we deal with our selfishness, then we can help our husband deal with his. But the onus is on us to do something first.

So when you are having marriage problems, the route to freedom is not to figure out who is most to blame, so that you can lay the problems at your husband’s feet. The key is to say, “what can I do to improve the marriage? Am I withholding love, or affection, or acceptance, or forgiveness? Am I holding on to bitterness, or expectations, or anger?”

The thing that is holding your marriage back is you.

I am not saying that your husband does not have issues; I am not even saying that your issues are bigger than your husband’s. I am saying that God does not ask us to figure out whose issues are bigger; God asks us to deal with our own selfishness. So go to Him for strength. Ask Him to help you feel loved and accepted by Him first and foremost. Ask Him to give you peace. Ask Him to help you forgive.

Maybe you’re walking through a really difficult time in your marriage. Maybe your husband has completely withdrawn from you. Maybe he’s addicted to porn. Maybe he’s had an affair. I am not saying that you alone can fix the marriage. But God does not ask you to fix the marriage. God asks you to deal with your selfishness and do the right thing regardless. And then, when all is said and done, if the marriage doesn’t survive, it is not because you didn’t try. But you must deal with your own issues, rather than waiting for him to do the right thing.

So let me ask you today: what could you do to make your marriage better that you have been putting off doing? Could you make love more often? Could you stop being angry for him not being home more? Could you stop feeling bitter towards him? Could you finally fully forgive him? Whatever it is, pray that God will help you do it. Because the route to victory in our marriages never goes through the other person; it always goes through our own hearts.



Now, do you have any advice for us today? Or what do you think about how we can encourage each others’ marriages? Just link up a marriage post in the linky tools below! And be sure to link back here so others can read some great marriage advice, too!

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Turning Junk Into Something Beautiful

I had one of the most amazing weekends I’ve had in a long time this past weekend.

First, let me explain how precious weekends are to me. As a speaker, I don’t have a lot of free weekends. I’m often on the road, speaking at women’s conferences or marriage conferences. When I am home, during the school year, I coach my kids’ Bible quizzing team at church on Sundays, so I have to be at church early, and it’s not like it’s a day to relax and just be fed.

Well, quizzing is over for the year, and I had a weekend off. And lo and behold, I got so much done! It was heaven. It started when I decided to finish cleaning up my storage room. I emptied a shelving unit, and then got my daughter to help me move said shelving unit into the furnace room. And as we were finding a place for it, I discovered paint cans. Paint cans I didn’t know we had. And in those paint cans was paint.

I know, you’re thinking, “so what, Sheila?”

But you see, when we moved in to our house five years ago, the washing machine took a gauge out of our entryway wall when the guys were trying to carry it upstairs (our laundry room is on our top floor). And in the years since, our entry way has had bumps and scrapes and all kinds of black marks all over the wall.

It was driving me crazy.

And my husband and I were talking about how much it was going to cost to hire painters, because we have this really high ceiling that I didn’t think we could do properly.

And then I found the paint cans.

My husband was away for the weekend, taking my 16-year-old nephew away golfing for his birthday, so while he was gone I touched up the whole house.

Now I should have taken a before picture, so you could see the gauge and the black marks, but here’s my wall now. The only ugly thing is all the shoes!

It feels fresh and clean, like a brand new house.

Then, to top it all off, I finished a blanket.

It looks lovely, doesn’t it? But it’s all made from scraps. Really ugly scraps. You see, for years my mother and I have been collecting yarn for a knitting program we’ve set up at an orphanage in Kenya. We’ve sent over several tons of yarn so far. But some stuff can’t go, because it’s just scraps, or it’s wool (we try only to send acrylic since it won’t felt), or it’s otherwise not useable. And so I have all these odd ends to add to the ends I already had. And I have found that if you wrap three ugly yarns together, and knit them on big needles, you can get rid of a ton of yarn and create something rather beautiful.

I did combine some nice mohairs that I already owned, but the majority of it was ugly yarns that we didn’t have room to fit in the last container, or yarns that weren’t the right fibre.

Here are some of the scraps while I was in progress:

(That orange ball there had a tag that was over 40 years old).

And here’s the blanket:

We throw so much stuff away in our society when it’s not a quick fix. We want things easy, right away.

And yet sometimes the beauty can come in that undiscovered paint can, or the ugly yarns in a drawer. You find a new use for it, and it’s better than it was before.

If we could just look at things with fresh eyes, maybe we could see how with a little effort and elbow grease, things that we once overlooked could be beautiful in their own way. Here’s something else I finished a while ago; a shawl I gave to a woman who helped me with my new book:

I turned scraps from some projects I had already finished into something new. Isn’t that what God wants to do? He doesn’t throw away the stuff that doesn’t look useable anymore. He looks to the heart. He sees the potential. He sees what we can be when we yield to the Holy Spirit and let Him remake us.

I feel so much more satisfied when I finish a blanket than when I buy one out of a store. With this blanket, I feel as if I’ve increased the beauty in the world, because not only have I made a blanket; I’ve also gotten rid of a pile of ugly yarns. I’ve increased the positive, but decreased the negative.

That’s what God does. He doesn’t create beauty out of nothing; He creates beauty out of ashes. He takes what is a mess and makes it beautiful.

I have felt a bit like a mess lately. Like I’ve been running too hard, with too much on my plate, and not enough time to be creative or just to soak in the moments. I soaked in some moments this weekend, even when I was working hard.

Maybe God wants to do something beautiful with ashes in your life. If there is some ugliness in your home, I believe that God can turn it into beauty.

We live in a society that would tell you to chuck the ugly and go find something beautiful. Chuck the ugly marriage; chuck whatever’s making you unhappy. But that’s not the route to true satisfaction. We need to take the ugly and let God make it beautiful; not ignore the ugly and let it fester.

I don’t know what’s ugly in your life today, but I do know that putting a fresh coat of paint on an ugly wall, and finishing up a blanket, gave me a peace about life that I’ve needed. And I know that God can take the ugliness in relationships and turn them into something beuatiful, too.

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Great Undiscovered Marriage Blogs

The internet is so amazing for uncovering great writers and thinkers! Not all of those with the gift of discernment or teaching are in our pulpits; many are at our keyboards.

And I want to draw attention to just a few, who are also regular readers and often commenters.

First, a really new blogger, Gerad, from Mission:Husband, has some great posts up. I especially liked this one about what porn does to the male brain. He’s so honest, but he also goes into the psychology of it and makes it really easy to understand. Do subscribe to him! I often get asked if there are any good male bloggers for Christian husbands, and he’s a good one.

Here’s another: Frequent commenter J from Hot, Holy and Humorous writes great stuff about marriage. I really appreciated her take on The Gospel in the Bedroom, but she has many other awesome posts, too!

And my dear friend Carla Anne Coroy, who is also the published author of Married Mom: Solo Parent, a book for those who are married to men who are often away on business. She has a great post on “I’m Afraid My Husband’s Being Unfaithful” for those whose husbands are often gone, but recently Carla wrote a post that got her a LOT of attention–some rather unwanted. She asked “Is It Okay for Christians to Wear Bikinis?“. And she’s reviewed my book, too!

Carla’s also hosting a giveaway of The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, so head on over and enter to win!

Brad and Kate Aldrich have a great blog at One Flesh Marriage, and they’ve been talking about some very practical stuff when it comes to sex lately. But I liked Brad’s take on how marriage changes after a baby comes here. And the comments are great!

There are so many other great marriage blogs, and I hope to highlight many more in the future. But remember that if you’re a blogger, you can leave a link to your latest blog post here whenever you comment, automatically. I know a lot of bloggers have been “discovered” just by commenting on other, bigger blogs. So don’t hesitate to leave a comment, and maybe you’ll start to see an uptick in traffic!

So today, for all my readers, I hope you enjoy a wonderful Monday! For my American readers, have a relaxing and meaningful Memorial Day. My birthday was on Friday, and since then I’ve gotten so much done around the house and I’ve finished a big knitting project. I’ll have pictures up tomorrow!

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Reader Question of the Week: Do You Accept Yourself More as You Get Older?

Every weekend I like to throw up a question someone sends in and let you readers have a go at it. Since yesterday was my birthday, I thought I’d do an age related one. So here’s something that one reader sent in recently:

You talk a lot about experiencing real “intimacy” when you make love. That is something I desire, but find difficult at times. I have had significant healing in this area, but it’s still not easy. Often I look at my “issues” and wonder whether I feel this way because of my past abuse or just because I’m a woman. It can get so confusing!

A friend of mine was talking about sexual maturity. She said it has taken her awhile to feel and accept that she is a sexual being (she is in her mid-40′s). I can’t imagine a time in my life (I’m in my mid-30′s) when I would be okay with my sexuality. There is too much shame and embarrassment attached to it, I guess. I’m not sure how to bridge the gap.

I know for me, personally, I am much more comfortable with being a sexual being in my 40s than I was in my 20s. After yesterday’s birthday, I have now officially been married half of my life! And I feel as if I’m finally comfortable with myself.

What do you think? Are you more comfortable with yourself as you get older? Or were your best days your honeymoon days?

Leave your thoughts in the comments!



And don’t forget: The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex makes a great gift for any woman about to get married. So if you’re going to a bridal shower this spring, bring it along! .

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The Hard Truth

Every Friday my syndicated column appears in a bunch of newspapers in southeastern Ontario and Saskatchewan. This week’s in Ontario actually had to do with a local issue: they’re thinking of putting a wind turbine farm in Prince Edward County, right where millions of birds pass by to migrate. As a new bird watcher who spent last Sunday there, I was appalled and wrote about it. But I thought I’d throw out an older column that’s more generic for you all today!

A while ago I read a story about a man who was convicted of molesting a seven-year-old girl. At the sentencing, the judge, who was suitably outraged, accused the defendant of “ruining this girl’s life”. I appreciate the emotion. I’m not sure I agree with the stance.

This little girl is starting her life with huge strikes against her. She is going to have to fight hard to have healthy relationships, to form good attachments, even to feel good about herself. Her life will not be easy. But that is not the same thing as saying that it is ruined. Too often, I think, we look at people and see only the strikes against them, rather than the potential inside them.

But how do we encourage that potential? Some people are going to have much easier lives than others do, and we have two possible approaches to this disparity. We can sympathize and demand that society fix this injustice, or we can encourage and teach people to help themselves.

Perhaps these two approaches don’t have to be mutually exclusive, but I’ve found that those who favour the sympathy approach often find the latter approach—trying to help people help themselves—somehow offensive, as if asking people to help themselves is judgmental. If someone is badly off, then it’s up to everybody else to fix it.

That may sound noble, but I don’t think it actually is, because nobody can determine the outcome of someone’s life for them. I am not saying that society should not play a part in helping people succeed; only that ultimately success is something you have to grab for yourself. Success is an internal, not an external, quality, bred from a sense of accomplishment. It is making the right moral choices, making responsible and mature decisions, and attaining a sense of purpose in our lives. Even if others help us, we have to do some of this work ourselves.

And if effort is necessary to success, then the most compassionate thing you can do for someone is to encourage them to make that effort, not steer them clear of their own responsibility. When we try to excuse people of very necessary work because we’re trying to preserve our sense that life can and should be fair, we’re thinking of ourselves, not them. But let’s remember that if their lives remain awful, we’re not the ones who suffer. They are. Intentions count for much less, it seems to me, than results.

Of course life isn’t fair. Some people will have to work four times as hard to accomplish anything in life than others will. I know single moms who have gone back to school at night to get that education they wished they had pursued when they were younger so that they can build a stable and better life for their children. Was it easy? No. Was it fair? No. Often the fathers of these children were living in relative luxury. But it still had to be done, and nobody could do it for these moms except themselves.

That’s why I believe teaching and mentoring and giving people the tools they need to improve their own lives is the mark of true charity. We won’t all be rich and life will not always be fair or easy or smooth. But I think knowing that all of us—regardless of our backgrounds, the hurt done to us, or the betrayal or abuse we have suffered—hold the keys to our future is hopeful, not judgmental. I would rather be told that my future is limitless and up to me, than to be told over and over again that my life is ruined and this isn’t fair. Wouldn’t you?

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A Hard Day’s Work

Why Sex Isn’t Just “For Him”

Yesterday I was talking about how sometimes we get into this dangerous pattern of thinking of sex as something we give him “as a favor” or “as a reward”. We think that having sex means we’re being selfless. But if you dissect this, what you’re really saying is:

I’m doing something I don’t want to do to try to make you happy.

So the attitude says: I think of sex as a chore.

That’s going to kill a guy’s self-image and really hurt your marriage.

Now, for many of us sex is difficult because we have some real issues–like sex hurts, or we have been abused in the past, or we feel really guilty for things we’ve done before. I totally understand, and I know that it can take a while to get through some of these things. But I also believe that if you’re up front with your husband, and tell him that you’re struggling, but you honestly want to get over the issues, and you’re taking steps to do so, he’ll likely understand and not take it personally.

But for most of us, that’s not the issue. It’s not that it hurts or it brings back flashbacks. It’s that sex has become a chore. And we think, “why should I make love to him if he can’t even be affectionate towards me? Why should I go out of my way for him if he can’t do the dishes sometimes or lighten my load? And doesn’t he understand that I’m exhausted?” And so we don’t.

What if there were another way of looking at it? What if you could actually start to believe that sex was for you, too? It isn’t something you just “give” him; it’s something that actually benefits you, and that can help you with your exhaustion, or your insecurities, or your loneliness?

So let’s jump in. Here’s why sex is good for you, too:

1. You Sleep Better

Honestly! If you are really exhausted, sex is often the best thing for you. You’ll fall asleep faster, and then you’ll sleep deeper. And it’s not only if you orgasm (although that is a big part of it). Simply feeling close to him, and repairing some of the emotional distance, can also help you sleep.

Some nights when I know it’s been a while, and I know we should really make love, I say no because I’m so tired. Those are often the nights I toss and turn and can’t get to sleep. And I’ve realized it doesn’t work. So now when I’m really exhausted, I say to my husband, “Put me to sleep, baby.” It works every time!

2. You Feel Closer

Often the reason that we don’t want to make love is because we feel distant. You’re not sure if he really loves and values you the way he once did. He hasn’t been feeling affectionate.

But do the close feelings come before sex, or does sex bring the close feelings? And often you can’t really distinguish it. It’s not obvious. For many of us, we feel closer after we make love. And the reason is quite simple: by making love, we reaffirm our commitment and our love. Making love is the only thing that only married people can do. It’s reserved just for you. When you do make love, you say, “I would marry you again.” And God designed sex to bring us together! We release hormones during sex that help us to “bond”. So if you’re feeling distant, maybe the solution is to make love, rather than to wait to feel closer.

One caveat, though: don’t expect miracles if you make love very rarely. I’ve had letters from women who say something like this:

We only make love once a month or less because I’m so busy and so tired, and we’re growing apart. But I don’t find that he’s any more affectionate after we make love than when we don’t.

I understand, but perhaps the problem is the frequency. When you make love less than once a month, your husband is going to feel very unloved. Maybe you don’t think that’s fair, but that’s just the way it is. And if it’s obvious that you don’t really want to, then making love isn’t really going to boost his ego at all.

So try this instead: for two weeks, make love often (let’s say 3 times a week). And then see if you feel closer to him! I’m pretty sure you will, and I’m pretty sure he’ll be awfully happy, too!

3. You Feel More Secure

Sex helps you to feel like your relationship is strong. When you make love, you cement it together again. Sex makes you feel protected. It makes you feel loved. It makes you feel like you have a future together. It makes you feel happier.

On the days after you make love, you can smile slyly at each other because you have this secret. You can giggle with each other more. You touch each other more. But most of all, you feel like the relationship is stronger. That’s because sex is a vital part of a relationship. As one commenter wrote in the comments yesterday, “sex isn’t the icing on the cake; it’s the oil that keeps the engine going.” When we don’t make love, our relationship can get really clogged up. When we do, we feel like things are humming along much better.

Great tips to make sex wonderful!

4. You Feel Wonderful

Let’s not forget the final part: sex actually feels good! Now, maybe for you it doesn’t yet. That’s okay. As I found in the surveys for The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, it can take a decade or so for couples to find that sex works like clockwork. It needs practice! So if you’re not there yet, pick up the book for some great tips, and work through our 29 Days to Great Sex!

Don’t settle for mediocre! If sex isn’t wonderful for you yet, don’t despair. Take it as a research project you can do together–a project with lots of benefits. Maybe you need to hit the reset button on your sex life and start over because you’ve developed some bad habits, like rushing through it. Or maybe he doesn’t know what you like.

But don’t despair! Sex does feel wonderful. And you can get there!

So if you’re feeling exhausted, and feeling distant from your husband, and feeling tense, then instead of saying, “there’s no way I can make love given how I feel“, why not say instead, “I had better make love given how I feel!” Making love can cure all of those problems!

If that’s so, why are women often so reluctant? I think it’s because we don’t get aroused the way men do. We think that we have to “be in the mood” to make love, and when we’re exhausted, we’re not aroused. We don’t even necessarily desire it very much.

For women, though, so much of sex is in our brains. When our heads are engaged because we’re thinking positively about sex, then our bodies will follow. So instead of dreading it or avoiding it, why not say, “this is what I need to feel better!” You’ll be more positive about sex, and you’ll likely find that your body will then engage. And then all these benefits will come to you!

Now, I want to know: what do you think about this? And what problems do you still have with it (if any?) I’d love to write a follow-up post for some of you who are still struggling in any of these areas, so let me know, and I’ll try to elaborate where I can.

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