Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 265

Reader Question of the Week: Wait, He’s Watching THAT?

Every weekend I like to throw up a question someone sends in and let you readers have a go at it. This week’s question is regarding what our husband’s watch–how should we handle this situation?

My husband likes to watch Game of Thrones and other HBO series, and a lot of R rated movies, but I just don’t think it’s right to watch explicit sex scenes. He doesn’t agree. I just don’t watch them and try to go off and do my own thing, but it really bugs me that he’s looking at naked women. What should I do?

What do you think?  Leave your thoughts in the comments!

Don’t forget this summer: The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex makes a great gift for any woman about to get married!

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Flying While Insane

UPDATE: I wrote and scheduled this column before the Colorado shooting, and then I was away from my computer to comment on this until this afternoon! It seems in supremely bad taste now, and for that I am terribly sorry. Perhaps the shooting makes my case stronger, but I would have much preferred to have made the point on a different day. Nevertheless, I don’t feel right taking this down because it is what appeared in papers today. So here it is! And my prayers to the victims and their families in Colorado.

Every Friday my syndicated column appears in a bunch of newspapers in southeastern Ontario and Saskatchewan. Here’s this week’s on alternatives to the current airport security situation.

Last week my family and I flew to Minneapolis. I hate flying, mostly because I suffer from this pathological fear that someone, somewhere, may choose a line that is shorter than mine. And airports have tons of lines, most of which lead you towards certain humiliation.

Minneapolis now requires the full intrusive body scanner (the kind that can actually tell if it’s that time of the month). When entering this scanner, I made the mistake of keeping Kleenex in my pocket. That resulted in me becoming far more intimate with a stranger than I have since I was last in labour. Interestingly, my double-pointed, extremely sharp knitting needles pass through security with no problem. I guess they’re not as much of a threat as used, balled up Kleenex.

There is something rather pathetic, too, about watching elderly men take off watches and belts and shoes, and watching elderly women being probed and prodded, and watching toddlers screaming while strangers try to feel up their dresses.

Then there’s the whole liquids issue. You can no longer carry more than 100 mL bottles of anything. But Air Canada also charges you $25.00 a bag when you’re traveling to the United States. My girls were traveling with a bunch of teens on a team, and no one wanted to check bags. But my girls also have so much hair that 100 mL of shampoo isn’t going to cut it for four days. So there they were, frantically trying to fob off shampoo into someone else’s carry-on so they can get through with enough of the stuff to keep the beauty quotient satisfied.

All of this would be an acceptable hassle, I suppose, if I honestly felt it was doing any good. But when you’re walking up to security, signs proclaim that liquids are absolutely NOT allowed, except of course, for baby formula. Now, I absolutely agree that baby formula should be allowed on board. But there’s just one problem. The reason they started prohibiting liquids is because terrorists out of Heathrow tried smuggling liquid explosives in—you guessed it—baby formula. So we’re preventing my kids from having enough conditioner but we haven’t really stopped terrorists from being able to get liquids on board.

And at the same time we’ve collectively gone insane. We’ve allowed governments to harass senior citizens and babies, all to protect air travel. But no one screens you before you go on a subway, or a train, or into a shopping mall. If I were a terrorist I’d just forego the airplanes and hit the subways. If we’re not going to have the same security everywhere, what’s the point of having it to such a level in some places? I guess it’s to give us the illusion that we’re safe, even when we’re not.

I’ve been thinking about all of this since my humiliation with the Kleenex, and I’ve come up with two ways to make security better.

First, now that the scanners can detect what you’ve eaten for breakfast, why not create scanners that can give you a medical check-up at the same time? If, after going through a scanner, I could be given a print-out of my health, I’d gladly step in. It would take medical tourism to a whole new level: “See Pittsburgh and find out if you’re cancer free!”

If technology can’t quite get there yet, though, I have another suggestion. Since 9/11, every airplane terrorist has been stopped because other passengers have beaten them up before they could do anything horrific. Offer discounts to really big guys. I’d feel a lot better knowing that on my plane, there’s a scary dude I can hand my knitting needles to in case he needs a weapon to take out a terrorists. So I say: let’s get big, scary guys on every plane, and let’s stop worrying about the shampoo and Kleenexes. What do you say?

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Encouragement for Those in Really Tough Marriages

I’ve been trying to take some time to relax a little bit this summer, and have reorganized my basement, and all my yarn (I’m a big knitter!). And I’ve started some new projects, so I feel rejuvenated.

But in the meantime I’ve gotten behind in answering the many emails that readers send me. And as I was praying this morning and doing my devotions, my heart was really heavy for those of you walking through such dark situations in your marriages. So many of you have problems that really are huge, and feel overwhelming. And so I want to share something that I read this morning with you.

From Psalm 146:

Do not put your trust in princes,

in human beings, who cannot save.

4 When their spirit departs, they return to the ground;

on that very day their plans come to nothing.

5 Blessed are those whose help is the God of Jacob,

whose hope is in the Lord their God.

6 He is the Maker of heaven and earth,

the sea, and everything in them—

he remains faithful forever.

7 He upholds the cause of the oppressed

and gives food to the hungry.

The Lord sets prisoners free,

8 the Lord gives sight to the blind,

the Lord lifts up those who are bowed down,

the Lord loves the righteous.

I just want to say to you all today that we don’t need to put our trust in princes. We don’t need to rely on PEOPLE to fix the situation, because often people can’t. But God can. God can change hearts. He can change minds. He can soften hearts towards each other.

And I also want to say that God does set prisoners free. He sets people free who are enslaved to porn, or erotica, or fantasy, or alcohol, or gambling. He sets people free who are enslaved to wrong self-concepts stemming from a bad childhood. He sets people free who are in impossible circumstances.

And He is always especially close to those who are bowed down.

If you’re bowed down in your marriage today, God sees. He doesn’t turn His face away. And you don’t need to put your trust in princes to save it; God can turn things around, but perhaps most importantly, He can set you free and He can give you joy again, no matter what happens with your earthly circumstances.

There is little in this world that is as painful as feeling as if a spouse doesn’t love you or has rejected you or doesn’t value you. I know many of you are walking through that. And I just wanted to reassure you today that God sees it, and He does care.

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Top Ten Hardest Things to Share after Saying “I do”

It’s Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I write about marriage, and then you all link up a marriage post from your own blog using the Linky below!

Today’s Wifey Wednesday is a Guest Post by Rajdeep Paulus of In Search of Waterfalls.

Remember in Kindergarten, when sharing did not come naturally? When two people say the words, “I do…” they don’t always know exactly what they “do” agree to in that moment of bliss and celebration. A whole lot of sharing is involved to make a marriage work. It’s fun to share laughs, adventures, meals, and your bodies… But today’s tribute to my anniversary week is not about the happy, romantic, lovey-dovey stuff in marriage. In fact, I almost named this blog, “my love-hate relationship with marriage,” but that seemed a little extreme. I did come up with a list though, of the:



TOP TEN Hardest Things to Share in a Marriage

I’m sure there’s more, but these are the biggest challenges I came up with…

1. Sharing the closet.
In our case, we only have one. So his dress clothes take over and mine are rolling here and there… trying to sneak into the girls’ closet and in between his dress shirts. Sounds a little flirtatious… But it is honestly a pain!2. Sharing household chores.

He maintains the cars. I make most of the meals. He mows the lawn. I do the bills. The girls are old enough to help with laundry and dishes. So thankful!! But even so, the system is far from perfect. There are plenty of days when cooking amnesiajust takes over and I wish he was home an hour ago to cure me [by making dinner!] He is a doctor after all!

3.  Sharing the budget.

We don’t have my money/your money disagreements. Our squabbles are more often Him: “Let’s spend!” and Me: “Let’s save!” battles. Still working on finding that balance. Once heard that this makes for a perfect combo since it keeps a couple from going broke but makes sure they have fun! That’s mostly true!

4.  Sharing the power.

Now two have a say in every big and even sometimes little decisions. Talking things over takes time. And sometimes you have to agree to disagree and go with the other person’s idea. It can be painful when you’re naturally opinionated or just have a propensity to express every opinion. Still working on that external processing button that surpasses hubby’s capacity to hear it many a day.

5. Sharing a bed.

This might sound funny, but when we first got married, I lost a lot of sleep. Fourteen years later, and I’m pretty comfortable on my side, but I feel bad for nights when I toss and turn and he’s on the other side waiting patiently for my brain to shut off so I can stop causing an earthquake under the covers.

6. Sharing your problems.

Especially if your spouse feels like he or she needs to solve, fix or cure them. So often, we’re just looking for someone to listen to us. But at times when both spouses are experiencing unusually high levels of stress, deadlines, setbacks etc., it can be hard to empathize with your spouse when you feel needy at the same time. That’s why I can’t imagine my life without my girlfriends. My sister and my best friend! They are my sounding boards when hubby has reached his max from what he often coins, “Days when everyone wants a piece of me!”

7. Sharing each other’s dreams.

Don’t get me wrong. Every married person ideally wants to see their spouse pursue his or her dreams, but I can attest to the fact that just cuz you’d like to see your hubby or wife reach their goals, does not mean the journey will be easy. I married a med student. Not a doctor. So we pummeled through the tough years of med school and the grueling years of residency together. And now, almost fourteen years into the race, the tables are turned and hubby is working with my new schedule that involves evenings and weekends as I pursue my dream to be an author. The support is there. We’ve been each other’s cheerleaders all along. But some days it’s just hard. Wishing hubby wasn’t on call. Or that I was home watching a movie with him rather than pumping out pages at Starbucks.

8. Sharing your interests.
Because over time, everyone changes. And so often during the journey of life, our interests change, evolve and sometimes disappear. When we first got married, we both loved playing basketball together, but then kids came along, and only one of us could leave the house to play. So eventually, I joined a gym. Got into swimming and fun stuff like “tabatas.” I still love to play ball, but the opportunity isn’t there like it used to be. So I had to make a decision. To not hold the my hubby hostage for still playing ball. By finding my own niche. That worked with my schedule and life with young children. So I work out early in the morning when the kids are getting ready for school and hubby hasn’t left for work yet.

If an interest is not critical to the integrity of the marriage, it’s okay to have some individual pursuits and who knows? Sometimes that difference in activity can lead to something special in your life that is just yours. A little me-time is healthy and refreshing.

 

9.  Sharing the truth.
Especially when you’ve messed up. Being honest in a relationship is the number one ingredient (coupled with grace) that I believe provides the glue that gels a couple together with that lasting bond that weaves your heart to his. Being vulnerable can be terrifying, even with the person you’ve been married to for years. But hiding is synonymous with poison in a relationship. We’ve both confessed some painful truths to each other over the years. We’re human. Neither of us is going to get it right every single day. Every single time. But I love what hubby said to me back when we were dating:

“My life is an open book to you. And yours to me. Not that I ever have to read the chapters or pages in the past. But knowing that I have an option to ask and that you’ll tell me the truth is enough. And the same applies to my past. And

So we share pretty much everything. I can honestly say that no one knows me better than Santhosh. It’s a strange phenomenon when a person knows the good, the bad, and the ugly. And loves you anyway. The marriage becomes the safest, sweetest, and most freeing place to be.

 

10. Sharing Grace.
I think even for this grace-lover/grace-seeker, giving grace and forgiveness daily can overwhelm even the soundest of relationships. If you keep count. So don’t. Because without Grace, marriage just doesn’t happen. Yeah, you might stick together. But you won’t grow together. Learn together. And I’m convinced more than ever that grace is the key ingredient to experiencing true love for each other. Because Grace catches your fall. Helps you up. And gives you permission to fly again. And we need that when we feel deflated by our weaknesses, stumbles, and wrong turns.

 

Love Grace. Depend on Grace. Can’t imagine my marriage without Grace.

 

Grace affirms wedding vows through our actions.

 

Grace whispers, sings, and sometimes shouts:

 

“I will not give up on you.”Thanks for not giving up on me Sunshine.And for the record, I ain’t giving up on you. Either.

To fourteen years of sharing. And by God’s grace…many more to come!

So what about you? What has been a challenge to share in your relationship? Leave a comment, or write a post and link up the URL of that post in the Linky below! And be sure to link back here so other people can read these great marriage posts!

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50 Shades of Grey, Great Links, and More!

I’ve read some great stuff around the web lately, and I thought I’d do a round-up for you today!

50 Shades of Grey

First, the marriage blogosphere is all abuzz with 50 Shades of Grey posts! I pointed to some in my original post, but here are some others that are worth reading:

Kathryn Casey asks at Forbes magazine (a secular site), Is 50 Shades of Grey Dangerous? Great to see people talking about this even from outside a Christian perspective.

Anthropology and Love gets to the heart of the matter–images never leave your brain. And here’s her follow-up, where she throws in Magic Mike for good measure! Great explanation of how God’s design that women FEEL so deeply can impact us when we expose ourselves to media like this.

 

 

Thoughts on Porn

My posts on porn keep getting new–and often heart-wrenching–comments. When I saw this older post at Intimacy for Marriage, I thought many of you would appreciate it:

My Love Letter to Pornographers (read on to the end!)

J at Hot, Holy and Humorous chimes in with Why the Church Needs to Talk More about Sex. She’s absolutely right! And we need to talk about why porn is a temptation for so many.

School’s Out!

And it’s a good thing. Some rotten stories about schools have hit the news lately. Here are just a few:

The mother of two albino children is livid that the teacher refused to let her kids put on sunscreen (that the mom sent) during a school field trip. The children later had to be hospitalized. The reason? No doctor’s note.

A teenager having an asthma attack is denied his inhaler by the school nurse because she couldn’t locate the paperwork. She didn’t call 911, either. She just stood there, with the inhaler, while the boy passed out in front of her.

The father of an autistic boy puts a digital recorder in his son’s backpack to record what is happening at school–and picks up horrendous abuse by teacher and teacher’s aide.

I know only the bad stuff hits the news, but these kind of stories make me mourn common sense and decency.

Parenting Stuff

At the risk of opening old wounds, here’s an article on 8 steps to help your baby sleep through the night. I agree with most, though I didn’t feed my baby to a time schedule. I simply made sure they ate a ton at each feeding, so that they would go longer between feedings. No snacking! And I did have a baby who would go to sleep late and get up early–and if I switched the bedtime earlier, she wouldn’t sleep later. Other than that, though, I agree with most of these tips! And getting your baby to sleep is so important to your marriage.

Oldies But Goodies

Every now and then I head over to Pinterest to see which posts from this blog people have pinned. It’s always interesting to see what ones people like! And I was reminded recently of some older posts that I actually really like. Here are some you may have missed that are worth checking out:

Maybe Balance isn’t All It’s Cracked Up to Be. Are we aiming for the wrong thing?

Accepting Yourself As You Are. No, you may not have met all  your goals. But it’s likely because you’ve made new ones!

Some great things you can catch up on! Have any links you want to share with us? Just leave them in the comments!

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Sheltering is Not a Bad Word

Every Friday my syndicated column appears in a bunch of newspapers in southeastern Ontario and Saskatchewan. Here’s this week’s on how sheltering your children makes a world of difference for their futures.

Parents are naturally protective. We moms always carry band-aids in our purses in case of boo boos. We warn our children to steer clear of strangers, to look both ways before crossing the street, and to wash their hands carefully in public restrooms. We want our kids to stay safe when it comes to any kind of physical harm.

Yet when it comes to life and relationships, many of us do the exact opposite. We believe that if you “shelter” kids, you’re dooming them to lives of geekdom and ignorance. Sheltering is seen as something cruel, perpetrated by strange, nerdy parents on their equally nerdy offspring, because those parents are scared that their children will wander too far from the nest. Trying to maintain some innocence on behalf of kids, or even some teenagers, is thus seen as bad parenting.

I’ve never really understood this. After all, there’s a world of difference between preparing your children for life and exposing them to that life too early. What happens when you’ve got tomato seedlings and you want to plant them outside? You shelter them, planting them on a cloudy day, so that they aren’t exposed to the rough world all at once. Sheltering is necessary with plants, and I think it’s necessary with our children, too. If we don’t shelter, we’re just letting our society raise our kids. And would you trust our Kardashian culture to do that?

Kids deserve to be kids, and that means they deserve to live a life where they’re learning, exploring, and playing, without feeling like they have to act like adults. They don’t need a boyfriend or a girlfriend. They don’t need to smoke or drink. They don’t need to understand sex jokes. But when we expose them to too much television; when we don’t monitor what we say in front of them; when we encourage them when they act in any way sexual; then we’re stealing their childhood. For an 8-year-old to be wanting a boyfriend because that’s what she sees on television is just plain stupid, and I don’t know why so many adults think it’s cute.

Yet we live in a world where innocent and naïve have become synonyms. Of course being naïve, and not knowing how the world works, is bad. But being innocent is a good thing! It is simply wrong for a ten-year-old to be swearing, chasing down the opposite sex, or telling rude jokes. Let kids watch too many adult themed movies, though, and that is what they are going to believe is natural and normal.

It’s not only an issue of values, though. It’s also simply a practical issue of time. I wasted much of my childhood and a ton of my adulthood on TV. I only started writing and speaking (which is now my career) when I got rid of the box. If you want children who are creative, talented, and smart, then perhaps limiting all the junk that comes in through the media is a good first step. Give them time to read good books, to practice an instrument, to dream up new worlds or new games—that’s what summer is for! That’s ever so much better than watching a television show which is going to make them feel inferior if they’re not being pursued by the opposite sex.

We can’t shelter kids from everything bad, but we can certainly try to preserve their childhood. Monitor the television (or get rid of it). Spend more time as a family doing sports, reading books, or playing board games. Encourage them to simply play, especially outside if you have a safe area. Just don’t let the media influence your kids too much. That’s not preparing kids for life; it’s abdicating the most important job you will ever have. And it truly is a shame that so many parents think that’s okay.

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Wifey Wednesday: Separate Bedrooms?

It’s Wednesday, which means it’s time for a marriage post and link-up party!

My husband occasionally snores.

He doesn’t do it all the time, but after he’s been on call for a night and hasn’t slept well, the next night he’s likely to snore LOUDLY. When he’s extra exhausted, he makes me extra exhausted.

To top it all off, I’m a real-life example of the Princess and the Pea. I cannot sleep if there is any noise whatsoever. Not even a fan for white noise. If I’m in a hotel room I have to turn off the heater or the air conditioner at night because of the sound.

I use ear plugs almost every night, but it doesn’t help.

And so, once a month or so, when he’s really snoring, I’ll give up and head to the guest room.

Last week Lori Alexander, on her blog Always Learning, said this:

Many couples as they get older and the children are all gone, move into separate bedrooms for a variety of reasons. I sleep in another bedroom on occasion. When my neck flares up and I have a very hard time sleeping, I need a room to myself. When Ken gets up early for a business trip and I don’t want to be awakened at 4:00 a.m., I will sleep in another bedroom.

Then she asked what other people thing. Are separate bedrooms okay?

My gut reaction is that it should be a last resort or something occasional, if possible. There is a closeness to going to bed together and to being able to reach out and touch someone in the middle of the night. But at the same time, if I were married to someone who needed a CPAP for apnea, there’s no way I could actually sleep if I were beside him. I don’t think I’d have a choice.

So how do you make separate bedrooms work?

1. If possible, sleep together

If you only need separate bedrooms when you’re in pain, or when someone’s snoring a lot, or when someone’s schedule is occasionally nuts, then in general start in the same room and only move when you have to.

2. Keep your things together

I still think having one room that is “your bedroom” and then one room that is the guest room where you retreat if you have to is healthier than having totally separate bedrooms, with your clothes all separate and everything. Keith and I occasionally take turns about who gets kicked out into the guest room, because both of us would rather sleep in “our” bed. And so keep your bed and your bedroom, and then take turns maybe going to the other room.

That way there’s still a place where you cuddle, where you make love, where you talk, and where you do feel that connection.

3. Try, as much as possible, to retire together and only then separate.

If you do need to sleep apart every night, can you at least retire at the same time and lie in one bed together to talk, or make love, or pray? Then if one person needs to go, you can, but at least you’ve had that together time.

My concern is just that I think you lose some intimacy if you don’t get that lying down time together. To say, “we’ll still make love” is fine and dandy, but there’s more to feeling close than just making love. There’s also just lying there while you talk. So I don’t think it’s good to lose that.

Those are my thoughts; they’re not hard and fast rules. But I’m curious what problems you all have with sleeping. Do any of you have trouble sleeping in the same room as your husband? What do you do? And what do you think about sleeping separately? Let me know!

Now, do you have any marriage thoughts for us today? Just link up a marriage post in the linky tools below! And be sure to link back here so others can read some great marriage advice, too!

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Katie Holmes, Tom Cruise, and What They Tell Us About Marriage

To no one’s surprise, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are apparently divorcing. Katie wants full custody of their 6-year-old daughter Suri. I don’t blame her.

It sounds like one of the sticky points in their marriage was Cruise’s weird obsession with Scientology, a cult that teaches that we all have untapped potentials, since we aren’t actually of this earth–we’re descended from a race of Thetans. And it gets weirder from there.

Scientologists don’t believe in original sin–or in sin at all. And so their approach to parenting is very strange. No discipline. No rules. The key is to let the child make all decisions for himself/herself. And it seems, from news reports, that this is how Suri was being raised. She has a $3.2 million wardrobe. She had high heeled shoes specially made for her since she was three. She frequently has meltdowns in public.

Katie Holmes was raised in a Catholic, regular home. I obviously don’t know her, but my gut would tell me that she just wants to raise her child normally. She doesn’t want to create a brat. And so she’s suing for custody.

Will she win? I don’t know. Tom Cruise will have all his own resources, and all of Scientology’s, on his side. But here’s where things get tricky.



I don’t actually know that legally she SHOULD win. Do I think Scientology is weird, horrible, and dangerous? Yep. But consider this scenario. A woman is married and has several children. And one day, out of the blue, her husband announces that he’s gay and he doesn’t want to be married anymore. So they divorce. But he’s now suing for custody because his children will be raised as Christians if they stay with their mother, and Christianity believes that homosexuality is wrong. So his wife’s religion is damaging to his relationship with his child.

Do you see the slippery slope here? Courts aren’t allowed to distinguish between “weird” religions and “good” religions, so I don’t know what will happen. If courts start to recognize that parents have a right to demand that their child not be raised in a certain religion, what’s to stop that being used against Christians? Hopefully they’ll find for Katie Holmes based on child psychology–kids need to be treated as kids, not as adults–rather than religion, but even that is problematic because how is a court to determine the best parenting techniques?

The truth is there is no easy answer here. My heart goes out to her, and I sure hope she gets custody, but the whole thing is one big mess.

Which brings me to what I really want to talk about today.

I receive a lot of emails from readers in marital quandaries. Some are easier to deal with than others. But the ones that are especially hard are where she is a Christian and he is not. What do you do, for instance, if you’re a Christian, but your husband isn’t, and he’s using porn? Or he enjoys looking, but not touching, other women. Or he’s going to strip clubs. Or he’s pleasuring himself rather than pleasuring you? These are horrible things in a marriage, but the problem is that while it’s easy to explain to a Christian why they’re wrong, how do you find common ground if he’s not a Christian?

Ideally, in many of these cases, if a couple just can’t come to a resolution, you’d find a mentor couple from church to talk to who could help you talk or navigate through these issues. But if he’s not a Christian, you can’t. He doesn’t even believe the basic premises that porn is wrong, or that sex is made for intimacy and not only physical release.

By the way, I’m not suggesting that all non-Christians use porn or think porn is great; not at all. Many non-Christians actually behave better in marriage than Christians do! The only point I’m trying to make here is that when you’re married to a Christian and you’re having marriage difficulties, at least you have common ground and a common authority you can turn to. If you’re married to a non-Christian and you’re having marriage difficulties, often you don’t even agree on basic premises. And then what do you do?

Outside of prayer, working on your friendship and building goodwill, and then working on communication to establish that common ground, I don’t think there’s much you can do.

Which is why, ladies, if there’s one thing I’m absolutely adamant about, it’s this: Be very, very careful who you marry. I know for most of us reading this blog, we’ve already walked down that aisle. But many engaged people read this, too. And even if you are married, spread the word: WHO you marry is the most important decision, short of salvation, that you will make on this earth. And while you may feel giddily in love with this guy now, if you do not share a faith, chances are you are going to end up hurting in the end. That is not to say such a marriage can’t work; but given what I’ve read in emails, I would never, ever chance it. There’s a reason that the Bible says “don’t be unequally yoked”.

Of course, my mother married a Christian man who actually ran the Christian group on campus who later abandoned his faith. Other women have gotten married and only later converted to Christianity, while their husbands still haven’t. Things happen after we tie the knot, too. Nevertheless, for the best chance of success, marry someone you share a faith with. Please.

Reading all the emails that come my way is so sad. I spend time praying over each one, but it is draining. And over and over again, the thought that comes back to me is “this would have been avoidable if she had only married someone she could pray with”. If you can’t pray with him, don’t marry him. Really.

Perhaps that sounds harsh, but coming from one who reads of all the crises in marriage, I have to say that so often this is the cause. Two people are married but only one really believes in God’s plan for marriage. And it’s very, very difficult to make a marriage work in that situation. It’s not impossible, and it’s still incumbent upon us to try, but it’s hard. And heartache often follows.

So please be careful! And spread the word to those who aren’t married yet: Don’t end up like Katie Holmes, whose child’s future will soon be entirely in the hands of the courts.

Related posts:

Marriage VLog: Do You Feel Really Alone in Your Marriage?
Wifey Wednesday: Reconciling Your Sexual Past with your Marriage
VLog: When Expectations Kill Your Marriage

Reader Question of the Week: Hygiene Helps

Every weekend I like to throw up a question someone sends in and let you readers have a go at it. This week’s question involves the sensitive issue of hygiene.

I have a problem: my husband doesn’t have great hygiene. He doesn’t really brush his teeth. He doesn’t like showering that often. And he doesn’t seem to get the hint! I don’t like kissing him or being close to him. What do I do?

What do you think?  Leave your thoughts in the comments!

Don’t forget this summer: The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex makes a great gift for any woman about to get married!

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Reader Question of the Week: Is it Trust or Accountability?

Something’s Gotta Give

Every Friday my syndicated column appears in a bunch of newspapers in southeastern Ontario and Saskatchewan. Here’s this week’s on taking responsibility as a citizen for future generations.

For the last century we have been engaged in a vast social experiment: instead of requiring people to work hard to succeed, we have tried to create a caring, fairer society where all can prosper and be taken care of. We’ve tried to defeat poverty, to end injustice, and to care for all.

There’s only one problem. We never figured out how to pay for it.

Reading the news lately feels like we’re all standing inches from a precipice. Everyone can see that the cliff is there, but we don’t have the courage to turn around and go in the other direction yet. We’re hoping that rather than tumbling off into the abyss, the cliff will move.

We are living in an age when it’s normal for governments to borrow billions upon billions—and even trillions—with no real plan to pay it all back.

Europe is imploding. China is slowing down. The United States is about to slip into another recession. And we here in Canada, probably the safest country in the world economically, are watching it all happen, helpless.

Yet it’s not only government that is to blame. It’s this whole entitlement society. People figure, “I paid into the system, so I deserve to get a lot out.” We milk it for all it’s worth. A public school teacher retires, but then turns around and gets hired to work as a substitute teacher, “double dipping” and taking a job away from a new graduate. A government worker pads his final year of work with overtime so that his pension is based on an inflated salary. A farmer gets paid to NOT farm his fields, or to chop down an orchard. A doctor’s fee for certain services is reduced, so she turns around and simply bills for different ones.

None of these things is illegal; they are all within the rules. But that’s the point: our whole system is set up so that people can take advantage of the government—or their employers.  And what happens when all of this occurs on a grand scale? People start to believe that they’re “owed” the good life, and that they shouldn’t have to work for it.

If you have children before you’re married, the government will pay for your apartment and your food. If you don’t save for your retirement, the government will rescue you. Or, in another sphere, if you’re at an office Christmas party, and you get drunk and go drive and slam into a tree, you can sue your employer for letting you drink. The idea that we are responsible for what we do has been thrown out the window.

And so we see the population of France electing a socialist government whose first action in power was to lower the retirement age from 62 to 60—right at a time when governments are teetering on bankruptcy. Quebec students riot because tuition is too high, instead of asking themselves why they have the cheapest tuition in North America. And Britain starts a vast program to educate parents on how to be a parent, because it turns out that generations of welfare payments have created a society where people have forgotten how to discipline their children.

Something that can’t go on forever will eventually stop, and I wonder if we’re nearing that point. Everybody has borrowed too much money, from governments on down to citizens. And at the same time we’ve all been clamouring to get a bigger slice of the pie for ourselves. Until recently we’ve believed that the course of human history is always upwards, towards more and more prosperity and freedom and success. But Rome fell, and it took a millennium for civilization to recover. We can crash, too, and that crash is getting ever closer.

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Related posts:

Letting Government Be the Parent, Part 2
Why Are Struggling Young Families Paying for Wealthy Seniors?
The Government Trough