Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 264

My Summer Grocery Cart

Every Friday my syndicated column appears in a bunch of newspapers in southeastern Ontario and Saskatchewan. This week’s was more political in nature about the Olympics, so I thought I’d reprint one from 2004 about grocery shopping that I kind of like. Here you go!

I hate grocery shopping in the summer. The shopping itself is not the problem. It’s the possibility of meeting somebody I know in the checkout line. You know that little routine; you probably do it yourself. There you stand, with your cart filled with chips, hot dogs, ice cream, popsicles, and pop galore, and you try to arrange the one bag of romaine lettuce so it hides the Twinkies. “It’s for the kids, you know,” you say, knowing full well you’ll consume more than half of the stuff yourself.

I eat horribly in the summer. So does my family. It’s not intentional, exactly, it’s just that when you’re at the beach, or out camping, or going on a picnic, it’s so much easier to grab a bag of chips than it is to make a fruit salad.

My kids absolutely adore summer, and it’s not just because of the swimming. For once they don’t have to beg for the Fruit Roll Ups or the ice cream sandwiches to no avail, because I actually say yes. I know you can pack healthy foods for a picnic, and two or three times in the summer I actually try. When we go camping, we do start out with a lot of fruit and vegetables, but by about the third or fourth day these are all gone and the chips are popping out again.

During the school year I am preoccupied with those 5-10 servings of vegetables and fruits a day we all are supposed to eat. I count fibre grams on the cereal boxes. But I love summer and cracking open bags of granola bars with marshmallows and chocolate chips in them that the kids usually only get from their grandma.

Naturally, I feel a tad guilty about this, but I figure the kids are running around so much they’re at least burning off a lot of calories. What really amazes me, however, is how expensive my summer grocery bill is. It’s not just the chips and pretzels, either; cooking with Hamburger Helper or store bought marinade packets, our camping staples which I never buy normally, sure make that bill add up.

I simply do not know how people afford groceries if you buy prepared foods all the time. I once heard that for a healthy diet, you should spend 90% of your money on the outer aisles of the grocery store: the bread, the dairy, the fruits and vegetables, and the meats. Normally I never venture into those inner aisles, except for flour or to feed my Diet Pepsi craving. And that’s probably why we usually only spend about $90 a week on groceries for the four of us. It’s not expensive if you’re making food from scratch.

Increasingly, though, people don’t do this. First, many of us were never taught how to cook from scratch. We simply don’t know how. Yet even if we do know, it can be hard to find the time or the energy. The other seems so much easier. And it is. But it’s not healthy, and it’s sure hard on your wallet.

This year I’m starting to teach my 9-year-old how to make some simple suppers, including spaghetti and chicken pie. Neither is difficult, and she’s feeling very grown up knowing that she can actually cook. The next step is to make twice as much and freeze half, so that when we are pressed for time, we’re not tempted towards those other aisles.

My husband, when he had his pediatric office practice, often had parents complain that a healthy diet was just too expensive. That, however, is a common misperception. Certainly fruits and vegetables can seem expensive (although they’re never cheaper than they will be right now during the summer), but think how much more two apples will fill you up than a whole bag of chips. You don’t need to buy as much food if you’re eating healthily as you do if you’re depending on starches to fill your diet.

I’ll try to remember this when I’m stocking up for my next camping trip. But I probably won’t completely return to my winter ways just yet. So if you happen to see me in the grocery store, and I pretend not to notice you, just don’t look in my shopping cart.

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Related posts:

The Summer Car Trip Horror Show
Taking Time Together This Summer
The Elusive Summer Job

Wifey Wednesday: Stop the Urge to Correct Him!

It’s Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you link up your own marriage post in the Linky below.

Today we have a guest post from The Peaceful Wife.

Last summer we were leaving that morning for the beach to have a few days of vacation – my husband, our two children and myself. That morning our mini-van battery died. My husband – being the handy guy he is – jumped the van off, and got it going. I thanked him enthusiastically and suggested, respectfully and with a smile, “We have time to go by the Advanced Auto Parts Store if you want to, Honey.” He said, “No, I think we’ll be fine”- he thought the battery just got run down from having the car doors open for a long time while we were packing the car, possibly, and didn’t want to waste time fooling with the battery unnecessarily.

(A few years ago, I would have INSISTED that we go get a new battery. I would have DEMANDED that we replace the battery – NOW. And I would have worried constantly if he didn’t replace it.)

Well, I decided to respect my husband’s decision as the leader of the family and said politely, “Ok, whatever you think!” And I read my book and seriously didn’t worry about it. (This is the kind of peace God has given me daily for over two years now. By the time this incident happened, trusting God and my husband and respecting them was a normal, every day thing. It was not a struggle at all by this time. My mind and spirit had been renewed already.)

THE PLOT THICKENS

We arrived at the condo at the beach and my husband parked head-first in a spot in the parking garage. When he tried to crank up the van later – the battery was dead. A few years ago I am sure I would have berated him with an “I told you to replace that battery!” lecture and a lot of attitude. But I had learned to respect my husband, so I didn’t say anything nasty. I didn’t even think anything nasty or hateful. I was totally calm and at peace. There were cars on both sides of us without owners. And there was a big island in front of our car that was probably 8 ft wide. I smiled at my husband in a pleasant way with an “I know you’ve got this covered” look and kept the kids quiet while he decided what to do. And I think I read my book some more.

AN ANGEL APPEARED!

Within a few minutes, a man came over and asked my husband if we needed a jump. He had bought extra long 12 ft jumper cables a few weeks earlier and his wife had ridiculed him for bringing them on their trip. But he insisted on bringing them “just in case.” (I’m SO glad he didn’t listen to his wife!) He was our personal angel sent from God at exactly the right moment! WOW! He wasn’t wearing a shining white robe, but I think I may have seen a bit of a halo at one point!

He jumped our van and my husband thanked him and went right to Wal-Mart and got a battery and replaced the old battery. I was peaceful, respectful, calm and not worried the whole time. I was not angry. I was not resentful. I knew that God and my husband had things under control and there was no reason to get upset or worry. It was not a big deal. No one was in danger at any point. My husband is a super capable, intelligent, responsible man and I believed he had things under control. And he did! I read my book. I enjoyed listening to the children play. I kept them from bothering their Daddy while he worked. I gave them some Oreos. And before long, the battery was replaced, my husband was my hero, I thanked him for taking care of the problem and we had a wonderful evening at the beach!

Do you see how much power I had here?

I could have disrespected my husband. I could have tried to take over. I could have arrogantly told him what to do. I could have barked out orders at him. I could have fumed or pouted. I could have gotten really angry at him and created a LOT of tension between us and ruined our trip. I might have done at least some of those things in the past when I felt like everything depended solely on me.

But when God’s Spirit is in control of my heart, God can use things for my good and to show me His provision and even miracles. I would have missed out seeing God send us an angel if I would have insisted on my way – AND I would have missed out on intimacy with my husband. AND I would have set a horrible example for our children about marriage AND I could have spoiled our vacation – as much of it as I wanted to. That is how much power I have with my choices and attitudes.

WOW!

God has ways of bringing people and circumstances into our lives that we can’t predict when we are obeying Him and living by faith. Little or big miracles are waiting for those who trust Him.

What a blessing to see God provide in ways I couldn’t have imagined. And what an incredible gift to have God’s peace and to maintain intimacy, respect and connection with my husband throughout that situation that would have created a big conflict years ago. I learned quite a valuable lesson that day about the rewards of trusting God and respecting my husband.

I wonder what miracles I used to miss?

Lord,

Thank You that You take care of us when we obey You. Thank You that even if our husbands make mistakes, You can use them as a showcase of Your power, sovereignty and glory! Thank You for Your wise words to husbands and wives. Thank You for Your beautiful design for marriage. Use each of us to bring great honor and glory to Your Name in our lives and our marriages!

Amen.

This post was written by Peacefulwife, who writes about her journey from being a controlling/disrespectful/dominating wife with a passive husband into becoming a respectful wife who empowers her husband’s leadership and has a gentle and peaceful spirit that does not give way to fear.

Now, what marriage thoughts do you have to share with us today? Just link up a post by pasting the URL into the Linky below. And be sure to link back here, too, so that others can read these great marriage posts!

Related posts:

Wifey Wednesday: How to Stop an Emotional Affair
Thursday Thoughts
Wifey Wednesday: When Conflicts Don’t End

Too Many Children Live in Chaos

In all of the news coverage of the Colorado shooting, one particular story stopped most of us in our tracks. One of the victims was a 6-year-old girl. What was a 6-year-old girl doing at a midnight showing of a rather creepy, violent movie?

I felt horribly guilty as soon as the thought entered my brain, because no one deserves to be shot just because they’re at a movie at midnight. We should live in a society where we aren’t shot just because we’re out late. And the only one to blame that this child is dead is the shooter (whom I will not glorify by mentioning his name), not the mom. I do not believe that the mom is any more to blame for her daughter dying than the parents of the Columbine students are to blame for their kids dying. We should have an expectation that we are free from homicidal maniacs when we go about regular life.

Nevertheless, until that news story it didn’t really occur to me that people actually do take 6-year-olds to movie theatres to watch violent adult movies at midnight. (And while I’m writing this soon after the event, I’m going to schedule it for later because I don’t want to rub salt in wounds, and to me the issue really isn’t the shooting; it’s the movies. I so wish that the news story instead had been: “Theatre gives out a new car to a random twelve people at the midnight premiere, one of whom was a 6-year-old girl”, so we could be discussing this in a different context–and, of course, because then there wouldn’t have been a shooting).

All of this reminds me of a trip my teenaged daughters and I took to Toronto last month, where we stopped off at McDonald’s at 10:30 at night before heading home. I had been delivering one of my Girl Talk events at a Scarborough Church, and we headed into a McDonald’s in a rather sketchy part of town. As soon as we stepped into the restaurant I could tell something was strange, but it didn’t occur to me what it was until my oldest daughter whispered, “what’s with all the strollers?” And sure enough, every second person in that McDonald’s had a child under five with them. At 10:30 at night. What is going on?

I have a friend who is a foster parent, and one of the hardest parts of adjustment that many kids have to care is schedules. So many of them do not have bedtimes. They don’t have naptimes, or mealtimes, or just about any kind of a schedule. And once they’re on a schedule, their behaviour calms down, they become happier, and much more obedient. Kids like structure.

On the whole, it is as if our culture has forgotten what is child-appropriate. I don’t think it’s ever appropriate for a 6-year-old to be at a movie at midnight, even if it were Finding Nemo or something. A 6-year-old should be sleeping. Even on their birthday! You can make a big deal out of a child during regular waking hours. I remember as a child what a big deal it was to be allowed to stay up an hour past my bedtime. My mother kept a very good eye on the clock, and bedtime was bedtime. Perhaps it was because she was a single mother and really needed to guard her own time, or perhaps she was just a good mom. But when it was time for bed, I went.

And in general, I didn’t mind, because when I was tired I wanted to sleep. I think that’s true for most of us. It really isn’t that fun to be up when you’re tired. You get grumpy. You whine. You find every little thing bothers you. And I think this is just as true for little kids (and don’t we all know little children who have meltdowns when they’re tired).

Children need structure.

But children also need to be protected, and taking them to adult movies isn’t protecting them.

I think that as people’s lives have become more chaotic, it has become harder to create a protective environment for kids. When adults don’t have structure in their own relationships, it’s hard to give children structure in their day to day lives. And then it becomes easier and easier to bend the boundaries and say, “there really is nothing sacred about being a child. A child can see anything an adult can see.”

Personally, I believe proper sheltering is a good thing. We should teach kids life skills and independence and responsibility, but we shouldn’t expose them to evil or sex when they’re children. That’s why they’re kids!

But I don’t think we’re going to get back to stable parenting with structure until we also get back to a stable family. Half of all births to women under 30 are now to single mothers. That’s a problem. That’s not to say that single moms can’t do a good job–mine sure did–but it’s not good for society as a whole. And it will lead to more chaos.

So what do you think? Do you find children are up later than they were when you were a kid? And what can we do about it?

Related posts:

Stressing Out our Children
Training Up Children in the Way THEY Should Go
Preparing Children for Courtship

Dear Young Christian Guys: Love Her Like a Man

As I speak around the country and talk to young people, one thing that really disturbs me is the cavalier attitude so many Christians have about living together before they’re married. And I think of a few young men that I know in various geographical areas right now who are in this type of relationship.

Today I’d like to write an open letter to these young Christian guys–guys who may be involved in relationships that are heading down the wrong path. It is not that I think the girls have no part to play in the destructive relationship that they’ve developed, or that the girls shouldn’t make better choices. I’ve written to girls many times before about this, too. I would simply like to say something to the guys, because in several specific cases I’m thinking about, the guys are the stronger Christians. And here is what I’d like to say:

You guys know God. I know that the church hasn’t always been kind and accepting of you the way you would want, and I know that people like me, who seem to have it all together, are part of the problem. I’m sorry for that.

I also know that you really love your girlfriends. You’ve been searching for love, and you think you’ve found it. You’re with someone who makes you feel alive. You’re with someone who looks up to you, and that’s special, because you’ve often felt like everyone else wanted you to get your life together, but you’ve never really been able to do that.

I don’t doubt your love. I don’t doubt your sincerity.

But love is not only feelings. And if you REALLY loved your girlfriend, then perhaps you’d consider these things:

She’s still young. She desperately, desperately yearns to be loved, probably even more than you do. Girls are like that, you know. They dream of their weddings. They dream of their Prince Charmings. And you come along and you make her feel loved.

But do you know what girls need even more? They want to feel safe. It is a scary world out there for a girl. And most girls will never really grow emotionally, and will never really mature, until they do feel safe. When they’re safe, they can look seriously at their options and decide what to do with their careers, or with kids, or with where they want to live. But when they’re not entirely safe, their emotional energy is spent trying to get safe.

And for them, you seem like the safest option.

But are you?

Safety means that you’re cherished. That you know that you’re loved for a lifetime. That you’re loved for who you are, not just for what you can give someone.

You may have given her those words, and she may have eaten them up. But have you given her your actions?

If you truly love her, you will love her like a man does. And what does a man do? A man accepts responsibility. A man makes commitments. A man exercises self-control.

To me, that means that if you truly love her, you should be ready to commit to her. Marry the girl, for pity’s sake! And if you’re not in a position to marry her, then don’t say, “well, we can’t get married now, but that’s not our fault. So we’re married in our hearts, and we can act like we’re married anyway.”

No, you can’t. You’re taking the short cut. What kind of a man takes a short cut? If you’re not ready to get married right now, then you’re not married. Instead of just moving in with her and sleeping with her and treating her as if you’re married without actually promising her anything THROUGH YOUR ACTIONS (and not just your words), why don’t you put your energy into making yourself ready for marriage? Look for a good job. Upgrade your education. Work your hardest to be able to support her. That’s what she needs–safety. She needs to feel as if she has a safety net. Right now she’s clinging to you, because you’re living with her and you’re promising everything. But you’re not acting on those promises.

If you’re not married, then make yourself ready to get married.

And a man exercises self-control, too. I know it’s hard to wait for marriage to have sex, and I know you likely feel there’s no point now, since you’ve already slept with her anyway. But here’s what you’ve told her through your actions: I like being with you, and I like sleeping with you.

That’s really it. How have you shown her that you love her? Moving in with her simply shows her that you like being with her, and that you enjoy sleeping with her on a regular basis, and you’d like to make that more convenient. So once again, you’re showing her that you love her for what she can do for you, not just for her.

If you really loved her, you would move out. You would stop sleeping with her and show her that you love her just for her. So many girls are broken inside because of what has been done to them in the past. Their fathers have walked out. They haven’t had stable childhoods. They haven’t had unconditional love. And so they’ll grasp at anything that looks like love. If you really love her, demonstrate real love. Stop sleeping with her and get yourself ready to support her.

Because if you love her, and you want to be with her forever, then you should also want to get that relationship off on the right foot. And if you live with her first, you’re 70% more likely to divorce after you marry. Get yourself sorted out first, and the relationship is far more likely to succeed.

I know you feel all kinds of things for her. But please, step outside of yourself for a moment and ask yourself this, “what is best for her?” If you really love her, you’ll be honest. And you know that what is best for her is if she is in a stable relationship with someone who can show that he loves her unconditionally and is prepared to look after her. With the way you are acting right now, you are really showing the exact opposite, no matter what she may say.

She’s afraid of losing you. You’re afraid of losing her. You want to feel close and cement the relationship, which is why you chose to sleep together in the first place. But you’re not assuaging any fears; you’re just clinging to the relationship without building it up.

Can you imagine what a transformational thing it would be in her life if you were to say to her, “I love you so much. In fact, I love you so much that I am going to treat you like a lady. I’m going to get myself ready to support you. I’m going to aim to commit to you for life. I’m going to not demand that you fulfill my sexual needs, but I’m going to wait for that until we’re both more mature and ready to handle it.” She may not take that well, because she’s likely afraid, at heart, that if she stops sleeping with you she’ll lose the hold she has over you. And she probably enjoys sleeping with you, too! But honestly, if you keep with her over the next few months, spending time with her, talking with her, showing her that you’re interested in HER and not just her body, you’ll see a change in her. She’ll become more confident. She’ll become less self-destructive. She’ll become a better person. Isn’t that what you want for her?

There is a reason God tells us to wait for marriage. God wants the best for us, and God wants us to experience real love, not conditional love.

You want this relationship to work? You love her? Then step up to the plate and love her like a man.

Related posts:

7 Steps to Raising a Teen Who Won’t Date Too Young
Modesty Survey: What Do Guys Think About What We Wear?
Should We Really Wait for Marriage to Make Love?

Reader Question of the Week: What Have You Never Lived Down?

(If you’re here looking for the column “as a woman, I am very humbled”, it’s right here!).

Every weekend I like to throw up a question someone sends in and let you readers have a go at it.

This week, in honour of my daughter’s 15th birthday, I’d like to ask one of my own that might be kinda fun!

On Katie’s ninth birthday we were leading a missions trip of 27 people to Kenya. We had to get to the airport, load up 60 hockey bags, and organize all of those people. And so I forgot to say Happy Birthday. I didn’t actually forget her birthday; I just forgot to say it to her until well into the afternoon, when by that time the little girl was just beside herself with sadness because everyone forgot her birthday! We had the pilot announce it on the plane, but still.

So now, every birthday, I make a point of rushing in early in the morning on her birthday and saying, “I remembered!”

So here’s your question: what have you never lived down in your family? Let us know! I’m sure it will be good for some laughs this weekend.

Related posts:

Reader Question of the Week: Do You Accept Yourself More as You Get Older?
Reader Question of the Week: Mom needs help with sons!
Reader Question of the Week: What About Menopause?

Equal Doesn’t Mean the Same

Every Friday my syndicated column appears in a bunch of newspapers in southeastern Ontario and Saskatchewan. Here’s this week’s on chivalry and man’s design to protect.

When two teenagers started dating sixty years ago, they followed a script. He would hold the door open. She would listen to his stories. When those same lovebirds walked down the aisle a few years later, grandmas would give the girl last minute advice about how to keep a man happy: don’t turn him down in bed. Keep a nice house. Keep dinner ready. And he’d hear some advice of his own: tell her you love her constantly. Tell her she’s beautiful. Cherish her.

When two people get married today we don’t give sex-specific advice. We give general advice, like “love each other always”, or “don’t go to bed angry”, or “keep your friendship fresh”, all of which is wonderful.  But we’re rather uncomfortable saying that men and women may have specific things they can do to make a marriage better. The idea that the sexes are different reeks of sexism. If you say women are more emotional, you’re perpetuating that myth that women can’t be trusted with decision making! If you say men long to be the protector, you’re perpetuating the idea that women are weaklings!

But what if, in our quest for gender equality, we may have inadvertently made it more difficult to maintain a healthy romantic relationship? Too often our quest for equality has been characterized by a quest to eradicate any perceived difference. And perhaps that’s one reason many marriages flounder.

Today, when two people get married, there’s an assumption that love is enough to see them through. There’s not an underlying cultural message that men need to figure out what women want, or that women need to figure out what men want. We don’t talk about how women desperately need to feel loved, and how men desperately need to feel respected and affirmed. We don’t talk about how important sex is to a man, and how important affection is to a woman. To point out differences is to be sexist. And so we assume that the other person should react just like we do.

Then these two poor souls end up together and wonder why they’re not connecting. If love keeps you together, and you don’t feel together, then obviously the love has gone. But what if it’s not true? What if it’s just that men and women need different things from relationships, things that our grandmothers were comfortable talking about, but we think are archaic and sexist to even bring up?

I have no urge to go back to the days when women were expected to keep a spotless house, never talk politics, and constantly pamper their men. I love living in a house where my husband is as quick to load the dishwasher as I am, where we share financial decision making, and where we both care for the kids.

Nevertheless, I am also constantly reminded that my husband and I do not approach love in the same way. It’s hardly surprising; we have very different bodies, so why should we not also have different emotions? Many couples would benefit tremendously by trying to figure out what their spouse really needs, rather than blaming each other for not loving enough.

Last week, among the dead in the Colorado shooting were Jon Blunk, Matt McQuinn, and Alex Teves. All three men died jumping in front of their girlfriends, shielding them from the bullets. All three women survived. While I am in awe of their actions, and incredibly saddened that the world lost three such honourable people (among the other victims), I cannot say that I am surprised. Hardwired into men is a desire to protect. That’s a good thing, and we shouldn’t be trying to downplay it because the sexes are supposed to be the same. In a split second, without real time to think, those three men proved that the sexes are different. And as a woman, I am very humbled.

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Related posts:

Letting Men Be Men
That One Perfect Person
The Changing Culture of Manhood

Fifty Shades of Grey Replaces the Bible

I thought this was a joke when I first heard about it, but no. A hotel in England has actually removed the Bible from its drawers and replaced it with 50 Shades of Grey:

The owner of the Damson Dene Hotel in Windermere has taken the unusual step of swapping all the Bibles in his guest rooms for the steamy novel Fifty Shades of Grey by EL James.

“I thought it would be a special treat for our guests to find it in their bedside cabinet and that includes the men too,” Wayne Bartholomew told The Telegraph.

I’ve received so many emails about this from incensed readers, and my Facebook Page messages have been burning up with it, too.

I don’t have much else to say other than what I said on Tuesday: porn is becoming mainstream. It will wreck your sex life. And if you’re already in the throes of it, find out how to reclaim a hot and holy sex life with The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex!

But in the meantime, a few thoughts.

A vicar was quoted as saying this in response to the hotel’s actions:

“Fifty Shades of Grey is all the rage but is likely to be a passing fad. The Bible is a classic, shaped and reshaped by Jewish and Christian communities over many centuries,” Rev. Michael Woodcock told the newspaper.

I think that’s rather weak-kneed. Fifty Shades of Grey may be a passing fad, but it’s a DANGEROUS passing fad. It’s making sex into something that’s about control, not intimacy; into something that’s about fantasy, not reality; and into something that’s about pushing the limits, not pushing love. Does it arouse people? Sure. Does it help intimacy and improve your marriage? No. People may be having more sex, but they’re not getting more intimacy. And in the end that leaves you empty. Go for the real thing instead.

Second, would you REALLY want to sleep in this hotel now? I mean, ugh, think about what’s on those hotel comforters. I’d get out the Lysol. (I know that’s true in every hotel, but this is just advertising it. Gross).



But now I’d like to invite you all to have your say. So many people have written to me all fired up, with things to say but you don’t know where to say them. So, please, if you’re mad about this, or sad about this, or even if you think it’s great, leave a comment. Feel free to leave a long one if you like. And then next week I’ll publish another post highlighting some of the best ones. Let’s get the message out: Sex is beautiful between two married people. You don’t have to explore erotica and bondage to get great sex!

 

Related posts:

How to Spice Things Up without Fifty Shades of Grey
Wifey Wednesday: 50 Shades of Grey is Bad for Your Marriage
The Mainstreaming of Porn

Wifey Wednesday: What Comes First? Sex or Friendship?

It’s Wednesday, the day that we talk marriage! I write a post, and then you all chime in by linking up your own marriage posts to the Linky below!

Today we have a guest post from J from Hot, Holy and Humorous.

Which came first? It sounds like the chicken and egg question. As a believer, I would note that chickens were created on Day 5…and then came the eggs. Similarly, plenty of Christians espouse that the great relationship comes first.

The common advice is that if you want wonderful intimacy in the marital bedroom, then invest in your relationship with your spouse. Husbands should thus help out around the house, shower their wives with appreciation and affection, and make quality time together a priority. Wives are instructed to respect and support their husbands, engage in recreational time with them, and attend to their own health and beauty.

I agree with those suggestions. But there is a presumption at times that the sex life will fall into place once husbands and wives improve their relationship. Or that relationship must precede improvement in the bedroom.

Yet my own marriage story is that our quality physical intimacy helped us weather our relationship difficulties, hang in there, and work things out. A reader of my blog recently told her story to this effect, sharing that she and her husband tackled the sex area of their marriage first, talking honestly and making that a priority. Then she said, “The funny thing is, when THAT area of our life returned to what, I believe, God intended it to be, everything else in our marriage came together, as well. We communicate better, we laugh more and we talk more openly. Sex matters and God created sex for man and wife!”

So often, we wives hold off on making physical intimacy better because we want to see our relationship improve first. Understandably, we don’t feel like having sex with a husband to whom we don’t feel close. I get that. I’ve been there. However, bear with me a moment while I throw out a different perspective.

God created all humans to be sexual beings, but our gender differences carry over into the bedroom. Men are typically more visual, more quickly aroused, and can reach climax almost every time. Even if you fought 10 minutes ago, if you then walk naked through the room, most hubbies will forget the argument and will desire you as much ever. (That’s not such a bad thing; my husband has forgotten quite a few my oops through nude persuasion.)

In addition, husbands are usually in-the-moment during sex. They are given over to the act of physical union with their wife. On top of that (and this is the kicker), at sexual climax, men experience a wash of Oxytocin—a body chemical that creates a sense of bonding. It is the same chemical that mothers secrete when their babies nurse at their breasts. Husbands BOND with their wives through sex.

Sex can thus provide some glue for your marriage, to keep your husband and you together while you work out the other stuff. Indeed, if you are heatin’ it up in the bedroom, you are more motivated to get the other pieces of the marriage worked out to keep that fire burning.

Ideally, this is a loop. Investing in the relationship makes you desire sex more, and then investing in sex makes you desire relationship more, and then investing in the relationship…and so on and so on. If this is true, then does it really matter where the ball gets rolling?

Mind you, I don’t think having great sex can salvage a sinking marriage. However, if you stop having sex in a sinking marriage, you may be giving yourselves one more reason to walk away. And if you focus on being there for physical intimacy with your husband, and communicate about your desire for and delight in him, you might find that this positivity helps improve the whole relationship.

Chicken? Egg? Who cares as long as there are hens in the coop and scrambled eggs for breakfast?

Want a great marriage? Put yourself into ALL of it:

Foster the friendship.
Learn your spouse’s love language and speak it.
Deal with tricky issues like finances, in-laws, and child rearing.
Practice the Fruit of the Spirit with your spouse – love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.
Pray for your husband and your relationship.
Work on having and improving sexual intimacy in your marriage.

For that last one, follow this blog (and follow mine: Hot, Holy & Humorous). Go through the 29 Days of Sex exercises that Sheila recently posted and read her book The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex. Read the Song of Songs in the Bible and get inspired. Sit down and talk to your husband about your desire not only for a better relationship, but also better sexual intimacy. (See if he doesn’t perk up at the mention of that second one.) Pray about your specific situation.

Don’t wait for everything in your relationship to be perfect before you commit to having the marital intimacy God intended for you two to enjoy. Start today.

J is a Christian, a wife, a mom, a writer, and a work in progress. She writes anonymously at Hot, Holy & Humorous , where she uses a biblical perspective and a blunt sense of humor to foster Christian sexuality in marriage.

Now it’s your turn! Have a marriage post you’d like to share with us? Just enter the URL of the individual post in the linky below! And make sure to link back here, too, so that other people can read all these great marriage posts!

Related posts:

Wifey Wednesday: Women Are Not Like Slow Cookers
Wifey Wednesday: Sometimes It’s Just Tough
Wifey Wednesday: Magic Mike, Marriage, and Women’s Libido

The Mainstreaming of Porn

When I was young, it was hard to come across porn by accident. It was all sold in special stores, or on high shelves in magazine racks. Novels weren’t really raunchy in the same way. It wasn’t as if porn could just jump out at you, by accident.

But today I’ve had a rather distressing experience. I went into Shoppers’ Drug Mart, a big drug store chain up here in Canada. The vast majority of what they sell is beauty products and medicines. But they do have a magazine aisle, and the “top 20″ book section. And there, in a large display, was 50 Shades of Grey. Then my daughter and I went to our grocery store, which sells–you guessed it–groceries. But even they have a new “top 20″ book section, and there was 50 Shades of Grey, too.

The books are at eye level, or lying on a table. Anyone can pick them up. They’re mixed in with Hunger Games and the latest mystery thriller. They look so, well, NORMAL.

I’ve already written on what I think of 50 Shades of Grey. It’s a dangerous trend. But what makes me even more sad is that it’s now completely mainstream. “Pick up your milk and eggs, and grab a copy on the way out!” Browse for some beach reading on the go, and grab a copy along with the latest bestsellers.

It’s just sad, that’s all.

Still 30% off at Amazon!

On another note (but a related one), my sales for The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sexspiked last week for some reason. I don’t know why exactly, but I’ve been detecting a trend. Most books sell by word of mouth (that’s what happened to 50 Shades of Grey!). And as people read it and like it, they tell friends about it. And I’ve been getting emails from people telling me they’ve recommended it to friends, so perhaps word of mouth is building!

I know that we in the church aren’t always completely comfortable talking about sex. But honestly, if you want a great, fun sex life, pick up The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex! And if you’ve already read it, please tell someone about it. Let’s get a trend going of GOOD books to spice up your marriage, not books that will kill intimacy. So if you hear women talking about 50 Shades of Grey, tell them about this instead! And ask your local library to order it, too.

Read some reviews here. Pick up the Kindle edition here. Or buy the paperback!

Related posts:

Wifey Wednesday: 50 Shades of Grey is Bad for Your Marriage
How to Spice Things Up without Fifty Shades of Grey
Marriage VLog: My Husband Used to be Addicted to Porn

Men: Here’s What I Wish I Could Say to You About Sex

On this blog I mostly talk to women. I’ve gotten grief over that before; I’ll write a post about what women should do, and I’ll hear back: but it’s my husband who’s the problem!

I understand the sentiment, but my goal is not to figure out who is to blame; my goal is to figure out solutions that work. And the only person you can change is yourself, so change has to start with you.

Nevertheless, if I could talk to men about marriage and sex, there’s plenty I’d like to say! And so I’d like to take this opportunity to get a few things off of my chest.

1. Tell Your Wife She’s Beautiful

Counting your wife’s calories is not cool. Telling her, “I’m sorry, but I have to be honest, and I just don’t find you sexy anymore since you had kids” is not cool. Hint: you were the one who got her pregnant in the first place! Questioning what she orders at a restaurant is not cool. Telling her you’d find her more attractive if she worked out more is not cool.

She is your wife. You are supposed to cherish her. So if you want to have a horrible sex life and a horrible marriage, by all means, go ahead and keep criticizing her. But if you actually want to love her sacrificially, and empower her to change, then how about trying this approach: Tell her she’s beautiful. Caress her. Love her. Show her what body parts you absolutely love–because chances are she’s way harder on herself than you ever could be.

And if you do really want her to lose weight, then do it with her! Don’t make it her responsibility. Take up a hobby together, and you figure out what to do with the kids for baby-sitting. Suggest you take a walk together after dinner. Start cooking healthy meals. If you don’t find her attractive, then you’re part of the problem. Be part of the solution.

2. Touch Her–Without Expecting It to Go Anywhere

Do you know how many women just stop kissing or touching in any way because you men have given her the idea that if she kisses you, she therefore owes you sex because she got your engines running?

If you give her that impression, then you’ve also pretty much guaranteed you’ll have a lousy sex life.

Why? Because women aren’t always sure that they want the touch to go somewhere. So they’ll stop touching to avoid a fight. But if they stop touching, they then get rid of one of the primary ways that they feel safe, close, and even desired. You need touch in your relationship if you’re going to boost her libido.

Read this post where women explained what touch means to them. And then start touching your wife more–all the time–without it necessarily being sexual. She needs this, and it will pay off big time!

3. Don’t Make her More Exhausted than She Already Is

When I wrote The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, I found that women’s number one reason for not wanting sex is that they are absolutely exhausted. And when women are exhausted, it’s hard to want sex. We have to be able to concentrate to enjoy sex. If we’re tired we can’t concentrate. That’s just the way our bodies were made.

So if you want more sex, then go out of your way to make sure your wife isn’t exhausted. Help with the housework. Put the kids in bed. Help her figure out what commitments she can say no to. Praise her so that she doesn’t feel like she has to work harder to be good enough. Don’t criticize her housekeeping.

And go to bed at a decent hour! If you want sex, then playing video games until one in the morning and then expecting her to be there for you is ridiculous. If sex is important to you, then prioritize it by helping her feel less tired.

4. Figure out Where the Clitoris is–And What To Do with It

If your wife isn’t having a good time in bed, it may because she has sexual issues. That’s certainly the case with some of the women that talk to me. But for the vast majority, when sex doesn’t feel good it’s because her husband hasn’t taken the time to learn how to make her feel good, and she’s given up.

Why should she want sex a lot if it isn’t feeling good for her? So take time to figure out how she likes to be touched (hint: chances are it’s a lot lighter than you liked to be touched). Figure out WHERE she likes to be touched and HOW she likes to be touched. Take some time exploring her body. And make it your goal to make her feel great.

Many women are embarrassed to tell their husbands what they want, and others may not even know what feels good. They need some time to explore. Don’t take her silence to mean you’re doing everything right. If she’s not in ecstasy, you have work to do. Accept that it’s your responsibility, not just hers.

5. Porn is Evil. Live with It.

Porn rewires your brain so that what becomes arousing is a picture or an image, and not a real live human being. Porn will make you impotent in your marriage. It will make your wife feel like trash, and will make her feel angry and unwanted. And it is a form of cheating.

It is not okay. It is not harmless. It is not something you do just to “rev the engines” or to give your wife a break sometimes. It is wrong. End of story.

6. Talk to Her

Want more action in the bedroom? Better make sure there’s action outside of the bedroom, too. Men make love to feel loved; women need to feel loved in order to make love. Why should she jump into bed with you if you haven’t taken the time to figure out what’s happened during her day? Just take a walk with her every night and catch up. Listen to her. Give her a chance to share her heart.

7. See a Doctor

If you’re the one with the lower sex drive, and it’s not because you’re using porn, see a doctor. That’s not fair to your wife. You may be able to live with infrequent sex, but she feels undesired and unfulfilled, and you are responsible for that. Sex is not optional in a marriage. So go to a doctor! They’ve heard far worse before. If there’s a relatively easy fix to your low libido, why would you not take it? Don’t be selfish. Do something about it!

8. Sometimes She Can’t Make Love. Let it Go.

After she’s had a baby, she needs six weeks before she can have sex again. Let her have those six weeks to get used to the baby. You do not need her to “help you” in other ways.

If she’s having her period, and she feels distinctly unsexy, go for five days without sex. You really can do it (some women feel aroused during their periods; others just don’t). To demand that she satisfy you in ways other than intercourse when she finds intercourse really distasteful and uncomfortable is a little much. Use some self-control! You can have a healthy sex life for the other 22 days of the month. You really will survive.

And if she’s in her first trimester and she’s puking all the time, instead of worrying about your own sex drive, how about getting a cold cloth for her head? Or giving her a massage? Or letting her sleep? She’s sacrificing a lot physically for this baby. It is not too much to ask you to do the same thing.

If she’s withholding sex for an extended period of time, yes, you need to confront her and do something about it. But if it’s just occasionally for physical reasons, I think that’s why God says one of the fruits of the Spirit is self-control.

(Note: I’ve also spoken to women about how to keep desiring sex even during some of these difficult times. I don’t think I’m being hypocritical here. I think if men were to show sacrificial love to their wives and give them a break, at the same time as women showed sacrificial love and reached out, we’d have much happier marriages.)

9. Love Her Anyway

All marriages go through periods where we feel more distant from each other. There may be times when you really do feel as if she’s not meeting your needs–and she very well may not be.

Love her anyway. She is your wife. That is your responsibility. And if you love her and cherish her, it will be easier for her to emerge from the funk she’s in.

If this sounds like I’m being too hard on you, men, rest assured that the vast majority of the time on this blog I’m telling women what they need to do. But I just had to get some of that off of my chest. When you aren’t getting your needs met, and you aren’t happy in a marriage, the answer isn’t to withdraw. It’s to figure out what steps you can take to make it better. If you do nothing, then you’re showing that your wife, and the marriage, isn’t very important to you. So do what you can to truly love your wife. Love, acceptance and selflessness combined can turn a marriage around.

Now, what did I leave out? Or guys, which of these is the hardest? Let me know!

And remember, guys, if you want to make your sex life better, you can buy your wife The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and work through it with her!

Related posts:

Wifey Wednesday: What is Appropriate Sexual Release?
Reader Question of the Week: What Should This Frustrated Husband Do?
Why Sex Isn’t Just “For Him”