Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 268

How to Spice Things Up without Fifty Shades of Grey

Yesterday I wrote about why reading 50 Shades of Grey can be harmful to your marriage: basically, it causes you to fantasize, so that it’s harder to stay “present” with your spouse.

But in reading some of the comments here and on Facebook, I think that the book is filling a need (albeit in a harmful way). Women are saying:

Sex is boring! I’m not excited by my husband. I’ve lost my libido. And I need to find a way to get in touch with the sexual side of myself again.

Ladies, I totally understand. And I want to help you do that in a PURE way!

You see, as I said in a whole section in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, “pure” and “hot” should really go together. Why? Because pure sex is when we feel deeply and intimately connected. And when you feel deeply and intimately connected, you’re going to lose control. You’re going to be vulnerable. Your walls will come down. You’re going to feel like you want to be “taken”. Those are all “hot” things!

And you can have hot without needing erotica. In fact, the more you read erotica, the less able you’ll be to experience real “pure and hot” intimacy because you’ll be living more and more in a fantasy life. Just like some people need a drink or two before they can be comfortable in public, many people need to look at porn or read erotica before they can become aroused. And that’s not good.

So how can we find that route to arousal again without erotica, if our sex lives have become boring? Here are a few thoughts:

1. Dream About It

Fantasy in and of itself isn’t bad. Fantasy about weird things or about other people can be dangerous, but fantasies about what you’d like to do with your husband, or what you’ve done in the past, are quite fine. In fact, I think we’re supposed to think about these things! So during the day, let yourself think about sex. Get in the right frame of mind. If you want to feel sexy, you don’t need to pick up a book to do it. Just start thinking of some scenarios you’d like to do with your husband, too.

Then take some control and bring them to pass! Tell him about them, or better still, just initiate them yourself at night. When you become more energetic and take the initiative in bed, you’re more likely to feel sexy. And for many women it’s also more likely to be pleasurable, because you angle things so they work for you.

Now, if you try these things and he isn’t receptive because his sex drive is much lower than yours, then please read this series. But let me also say that in your case, in particular, these kinds of books can be very dangerous, because you already have reason to be dissatisfied. Don’t make it worse!

2. Have Sex More Frequently

Want to turn up the libido? You may just need to make love more often. Libido is a “use it or lose it” phenomenon. If you want to get in touch with sexy, try making love every night for a week. But don’t do it the same way every night. Have a rule that no two times can be in the same position, or done the same way.

And if you take this challenge, you’ll find another habit change is probably coming, too: you’ll start going to bed at a decent time, so that you can actually have some fun. When we start going to bed on time more regularly, that, in and of itself, can make you feel sexier!

3. Reawaken Your Body

Speaking of “use it or lose it”, yesterday commenter Doris said this:

I understand the lure of erotica but to “recharge your libido” or enhance your love making or focus your mind, I found the solution. Yoga. Why? First of all, it made me more aware of my body and helped me focus my mind. I learned to be happy with my body and it became stronger. When you feel good about your body, you feel sexy. This makes you less self conscious. I also was more in tune with how my body felt which applies directly to sex. Forget kegel exercises, yoga even replaces these. It also increases your stamina. All this and add a husband who loves you and if you’re really lucky like me, also started doing yoga…well, you won’t need the erotica. He also won’t need the porn. Instead you’ll have a very loving, and intimate relationship that will strengthen your marriage.

I know that some people steer clear of yoga because of the eastern mysticism associated with it, but honestly, I haven’t had any of that in the classes I’ve taken at the Y. Just be on the lookout for it. Yoga is mostly learning how to stretch, relax, and pay attention to your breathing, if that’s all you do, it doesn’t go against Christianity at all (and if your teacher brings it around to eastern mysticism and meditation, find a new teacher!).

And Doris is right! When we start doing yoga (or any exercise that stretches you and helps you pay attention to breathing), you’ll start to feel sexy, too!

4. Give Up Some Control

Part of the allure of 50 Shades of Grey is the BDSM nature of it (bondage, sadomasochism, etc.) For many women this touches a cord, because the idea of being completely helpless and at someone’s disposal can be attractive (often it’s more attractive in fantasy than in real life, but still). I think sex is supposed to be mutual, and so the idea that someone is hurt so that someone can get pleasure, or that only one person gets pleasure and the other always gives it, isn’t biblical to my mind. But I don’t think there’s anything wrong with giving up some control. You could say to your husband, “for tonight, I’m yours.” And let him decide what you do (within limits, of course. Read here for more).

And I’ve written before about how letting him touch you, without you moving, can help you figure out how you actually like to be touched. It can be quite arousing.

I’m not one who believes that sex has to always be done the same way, or that each episode has to be one in which we’re having sex simply to say “I love you”. It’s wonderful to express tenderness and love while we’re making love, but let’s face it: sex is supposed to mirror our relationship with God. And that is not always tender. He loves us fiercely. He loves us possessively. And I believe He created sexuality to be the same way.

So sometimes you may want things to be a little more about being “taken”, and a little less about making love while you kiss gently. That’s okay. All of those things are part of a great marriage. So if this is something you want, tell your husband!

5. Play Some Games

Finally, I’ve written a post as part of my 29 Days to Great Sex series about how to spice things up! Lots of ideas there, including things to do with dice, how to create “his” and “hers” nights, and more.

A lot of women are using 50 Shades of Grey to help them get aroused. May I suggest instead that you simply use your husband? That’s what he’s there for! So fantasize about him. Tell him what you’re thinking. Flirt with him. Play some games. Get more active. When you turn to erotica, you take the easy way out. You become aroused from a story, not from actually making an effort in your relationship. Our society gravitates towards quick fixes and short cuts, but in the end it’s not fulfilling. Try to make that effort and make sex stupendous between you. That, in the end, is much hotter!

My book, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, has “Good Girl Dares” throughout it that will help you jumpstart your libido WITH your husband, rather than WITHOUT him!

Have you ever had trouble with erotica? Or do you understand the lure for many women? Tell us your story about how to get over these ruts in your marriage!

Related posts:

Wifey Wednesday: 50 Shades of Grey is Bad for Your Marriage
29 Days to Great Sex Day 21: 5 Ways to Spice Things Up
It’s The Little Things

Wifey Wednesday: 50 Shades of Grey is Bad for Your Marriage

It’s Wednesday, which means it’s time for a marriage post and link-up party! I’ll write a post about marriage, and then you all can link up one of your own below!

Today I want to tell you how I really feel.

I know, I know, I rarely hold back, but on this one topic I did hold back a little bit. You see, there’s a series of books called 50 Shades of Grey which are selling by the millions. They’re “mommy porn”, a bit of bondange erotica that married women are buying in huge numbers.

I’ve written some posts about the phenomenon generally, talking about how erotica & Kindles provide a temptation we need to look out for. And last weekend, in the Reader Question of the Week, I posted a question from a woman whose friends at church are all reading the books. What should she do?

I didn’t give the name of the series in either of those posts because I didn’t want to inadvertently cause someone to search for it and buy it. But I’m beginning to realize that may have been a mistake, because people are turning to them. Everytime I speak now I hear women talking about the books, or asking me about the books. They’re the majority of emails I get these days. So I can’t ignore it.

Most of my thoughts are already here, but I want to add a few more things.



First, most women who may be tempted by this sort of erotica (and I have to admit that I do understand the temptation) would not want their husbands watching porn. We think this is somehow different, because we’re just “reading stories”, we’re not watching two people do something. We’re not objectifying anyone.

But you’re still doing harm. Sex is supposed to be something that joins two people together in love, and that enhances a relationship. If, instead, you allow “erotica” to get you aroused, and then you use that arousal to make love to your husband, you’re likely not focusing on him. You’re focusing on the story, and he’s really just secondary. Can the sex be good? Sure! But that’s not the same thing as saying that it is intimate. And what we’re aiming for is intimate (and truly intimate sex is good on every level).

Erotica causes you to dissociate during sex (fantasize in your mind) so that you’re not really present with your husband. If you’ve ever been worried that your husband is fantasizing about someone else (or something else) when you’re making love, then why would you turn around and do the same thing?

And there’s one more issue that a reader emailed to me that is so important here. One of the main problems with porn is that it goes far beyond simple lust. It becomes an addiction, and to get the next “high” you start looking at weirder and weirder stuff. So it began with men looking at a Playboy, and it soon digresses into some really disgusting things–things that men would never have wanted to look at otherwise. But once you make sex into something solely physical, and you start sending a positive feedback loop between your brain and your body when you see that stimulus, you create a craving for more and more.

It’s the same thing with erotica. Once we go down that slope, for many women it won’t be just a novel that explores the darker side of women’s fantasies. It becomes a novel that is truly pornographic in nature, with very graphic sex scenes in it. And that’s not good.

So, look, I know women, even in the church, are saying, “this is a great book to jumpstart your libido!” Or, “I just needed some excitement in my life, and this gave it back to me!” They’re treating it like it’s harmless, and it’s part of the self-actualization trend. We think we deserve to be fully sexually fulfilled, and so we look for quick ways to get there.

There are no quick ways. The key to sexual fulfillment is delight in your spouse. That takes work. That takes communication and forgiveness. That takes energy when you’re exhausted. That takes going to bed earlier, getting more organized so you have more time, being stricter with kids so you have time to yourself, and learning how to shut your brain off of all the things you worry about. It takes dealing with your sexual baggage, and dealing with his sexual baggage. It takes seeing sex as something beautiful. No, it’s not easy.

But who ever said that the right things in life are the easy things? There is no greater reward than truly connecting with your husband, and you can’t use a shortcut for that, especially a shortcut that has the danger of being a dead end, or leading you off of a cliff.

When I was younger, I saw porn when I was baby-sitting. I never sought it out; it was just there. And do you know how long it took me to get it out of my head? And it wasn’t just the porn; it was the stories that accompanied the porn (the stories are often much more alluring to women). I know now that I just can’t go there, because it took so long for me to be free. I had a really hard time thinking of sex as something beautiful between me and my husband, because whenever we were having fun, an unbidden image would appear or a line from a story. I’m free now, but it was a hard road. I can’t endanger that again. So please, ladies, don’t do that to yourself.

It seems harmless, but it’s not. Intimacy is beautiful. This is neither. Don’t follow the pack!

If you’re tempted to click that link and download it to your Kindle, try the stop-look-listen thing. Stop and take a few deep breaths. Look honestly at your marriage and what you’re about to buy. And then listen to God.



Other great reads on 50 Shades of Grey:

How Kindles Can Wreck Your Marriage

50 Shades of Danger

Disturbing Trends in Female Sexual Preferences

Stop Grey from Becoming the New Black and White (with lots more links!)



And if you’ve had trouble with porn in the past, and you’re looking to reclaim intimacy in your sexual life, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex has a whole section on how to make sex holy again!

Now, do you have any advice for us today? Or what do you think about how we can encourage each others’ marriages? Just link up a marriage post in the linky tools below! And be sure to link back here so others can read some great marriage advice, too!

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Related posts:

Wifey Wednesday: Why Kindles Can Wreck Your Marriage
Wifey Wednesday: Marriage Recovery After a Pornography Addiction
Wifey Wednesday: Invest in Your Marriage

Thoughts on Burnout

It is raining hard this morning, and it matches my mood.

I am tired.

I’ve been on the road speaking a bunch lately, and this week I’m giving four talks in two days–I’m keynoting at the Canadian Christian writer’s conference during the day, and then doing two events elsewhere on Thursday and Friday (one in Meaford and one in Stayner for any of you who live in western Ontario!).

Life has just been so busy lately, with my kids, and with speaking, and with writing. I consider it a victory when there is actually food in the house. And I don’t like that. I’m making plans so that next year will not be this crazy, and I’m looking forward to down time starting next week.

We went away last weekend with my brother-in-law and sister-in-law and father-in-law and mother-in-law, and got out in nature. It was indeed very peaceful.

But I find it hard to relax when there are things on my to-do list, like plan a talk. And I was worried about the kids we left at home.

I read an article last week that said that the average family vacations for only 3-4 days at a time, and that’s not enough. After last weekend, I agree. I know I should be grateful for the time we had, but when you’re busy and keyed up it takes longer to relax. I find that what I really need are seasons in my life when I don’t have daily demands, and when I can just concentrate on the people around me.

That’s why I really do try to take the summer off–no speaking, no writing, just blogging my thoughts and that’s it! Lots of knitting, lots of reading, and getting back to cooking.

We’ve found as a family that camping has always worked well for us, because you don’t constantly feel like you should clean something the way you do when you’re at home. And you get to play games and have fun with each other. And there is something about nature!

I need those quiet moments when I can go out early in the morning and talk to God.

I need those quiet moments where I can feel Him talking back in whispers.

I need those quiet moments when I can remember that life is not just an endless to-do list; that I do have great relationships with my family (even though often I feel as if we’re hurrying too much). I need those quiet moments where I can do things slowly and savour it, rather than trying to get everything done so I can move on to the next thing on my to-do list. I just need quiet.

Even when the children were small (and not very quiet) I found that camping did that for us. Being in nature calmed them, and we could linger over meals, and it was lovely.

I haven’t always liked the “busy” trips, like Disneyland or something like that, because it seems too energetic. Trips where I get to just sit and do nothing are high up on my to-do list. And camping doesn’t cost very much, either!

What we’ve done in the past when my husband couldn’t get a lot of time off of work is to camp close to home, so that he can drive in to work and we can stay in the trailer. That way I’m at least away from the internet, and we can relax and read, and I do get downtime.

What do you find works for you? Do you ever feel in danger of burnout? Are you able to take a vacation? Tell me about it!

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Related posts:

How to Start the Week
What ONE Thing Can You Get Rid Of?

Praying for Our Kids’ Marriages

The panic sets in right around the time you’re putting sixteen candles on the birthday cake. You never experienced it before, but it hits you like a ton of bricks. Who is my child going to marry?

When children are small, we just assume everything will turn out well. But when they get old enough that we start to realize they just may be meeting that “special someone” any day now, we look around their social circle and realize the pickings are slim indeed.

Whether it’s because teenage boys don’t have goals in life, or because teenage girls are too pushy and—how shall I say this delicately—provocative, we begin to worry that there is no one out there for our little angel.

When you meet new people who impress you, you begin to ask if they have teenagers, too, just in case.When I was speaking recently, I found out that the woman doing the special music that day had an 18-year-old teenage boy who was very committed to God. Without thinking about it, we both whipped out pictures of our kids. We moms have that instinct. And we’re worried about their marriage prospects.

But as I’ve been driven to my knees lately praying for my teen girls, God spoke to my heart about my attitude. I’ve been praying that my girls will find good husbands, because that’s the desire of my heart. But what I’ve realized is that it’s more important for them to learn to rely on God. If He has a plan for them that involves singleness, they’re still going to have an amazing life serving Him! So instead, I gave over my dream of them marrying, and I said, “Lord, help prepare my girls for whatever way they can best serve you. And if that involves marriage, then please please please keep that young man from porn and bad decisions right now, and help him learn to lean on you!”

I’ve been reading and memorizing more and more the prayers that Paul prayed for his spiritual children, which are grounded in their relationship with Christ. Here’s the one from Ephesians 3:14-19, for instance:

14 When I think of all this, I fall to my knees and pray to the Father,15 the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth. 16 I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. 17 Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. 18 And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. 19 May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.

Everything about knowing God; nothing about happiness or safety. It’s the relationship with God that’s central.

Now, if you’re a mom, then you’re by definition someone who has had a romantic relationship, even if it didn’t last. And chances are you want that for your child. But the most important thing to point them towards is God, because if they’re safe in God’s hands, and if they learn to trust Him, even in disappointments, they’re going to be fine. Getting married is not a guarantee of a good life. Leaning on God is.

And recent rather depressing research has born this out. Take the rate of pre-marital sex, for instance. According to the DCR Report of the National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy, church attendance does not inoculate a teen or young adult against pre-marital sex. If you attend church three times a month, you’re about as likely to jump into bed with someone as if you don’t attend at all. But if you attend weekly, then the rate of sexual activity plummets. What’s the difference? Someone who goes every week is really committed to God.

What that tells me is that I’ve had the wrong priority when it comes to my girls. I’ve been focusing on their future mate instead of focusing on their hearts. If they’re committed to God, things will fall into place. If they’re not, they’re opening themselves up for a world of heartache.

In my surveys for A Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, I found that the women with the happiest marriages and the best sex lives are those who waited for marriage to have sex. And yet who does that? With the website AshleyMadison.com offering $1,000,000 to anyone who can prove they’ve taken Tim Tebow’s virginity, the world is stacked against us. Yet 40% of Christians still reported waiting.

I still hope and pray my kids get married, because the biggest joys in my life have come from my family. But I also know that this kind of joy is first and foremost dependent on their relationship with God. My marriage is strong because God is at the center. My sex life is strong because God is at the center—and He helped keep me pure. So if you want your kids to be happy, certainly pray for their future spouses. But more importantly, pray that they will learn to rely on God. Because that’s what matters more than anything.

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Related posts:

Teaching Your Kids Appropriate/Healthy Relationships with the Opposite Sex
Wifey Wednesday: A Rant on Those Who Desert Their Marriages
Allowing Kids to Fail

Reader Reviews of The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex and More!

Last week I was in Charlottetown to launch my Girl Talk event, where I talk about marriage and intimacy! It was very well received. I do a Q&A session after the break, when I answer questions that people have written and submitted anonymously. I was a little nervous no one would ask anything, but the questions were actually quite good!

I love the red hills of Prince Edward Island:

And here’s me speaking! (why can I never get a picture with a good expression on my face?)

I’d love to host a Girl Talk at your church, so if you’re interested, you can find more information, and a brochure, right here.

A number of you, my regular readers, have also reviewed The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex on your blogs recently, and I wanted to do a great shoutout to say thank you!

Still 30% off at Amazon!

First, Rena from Insert Grace Here writes “Sheila Wray Gregoire boldly goes where few have gone before.”

And she concludes by saying,

We cannot afford to look away passively when it comes to the most intimate part of our marriages. Ladies, I implore you to read this book. Let’s turn the tide of taboo sex topics as well as the exploitation of this amazing gift from God. Let’s strike a balance and teach the young women today how to have, keep and guard the sanctity of marriage and sex that God intended. And once and for all let’s show the world that good girls have MORE fun!

Thanks, Rena! And I really loved Rena’s post on the Resurrection at Easter, if  you want to check out more of what she writes.

My friend Carla Anne Coroy, author of Married Mom, Solo Parent, also wrote a great review. She says,

My friend Sheila Wray Gregoire must have no fears at all!

How else could she write a book about sex AND make a video of herself and her husband in bed?!?!  I certainly couldn’t do it! But she did… and she did it well….

I love how she is so practical. She addresses sex as a necessary part of marriage, yet at the same time doesn’t forget that as women we cook dinner, bathe kids, do laundry, clean house and work! She’s got practical tips and ideas, how-tos and suggestions for everyone.

Thanks, Carla! Read the rest here, and watch the video sketch my husband and I filmed for the book. And here’s a great post Carla wrote recently about Christians and bikinis. It landed her in a lot of hot water, but that’s what happens when you tackle hard subjects!

 

Thanks to other friends who chimed in, like:

Rachel from The Younger News
The Rempels 4

If you haven’t bought it yet, or  you’ve been putting it off, thinking “everything she says is in this blog anyway”, let me assure you that’s not true. There’s a lot in the book I’ve NEVER shared here, including some personal stories. You can buy it at Amazon here, or ask for it at your local Christian bookstore.

Thanks, everyone, for reviewing it!

 

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Reader Question of the Week: On What We Read

Every weekend I like to throw up a question someone sends in and let you readers have a go at it. This week’s question is a stirring one on our culture, what we read and how to speak the truth to others in love…

I have several Christian friends reading a series of erotica novels for females. When I mention I’m not reading the books or tell my friends I think it’s a bad idea, they accuse me of judging them. What is the appropriate or biblical way to be honest and judge the material, not the person? How can I question what they are reading without coming across as judgmental? I really care about my friends and don’t want to see their lives or marriages impacted in a negative way by these books. I’m not sure how to approach this situation. I feel like any time I disagree, I am going to be accused of judging them and that is not my intention. Please help!

What would you recommend?  Leave your thoughts in the comments!

As a side note, I also received an email about Kindles and erotica novels, where my reader’s 12-year-old daughter received promo ads for these books and read some samples, only to discover she had stepped into the wrong thing.  This reader found that a good guard for her daughter was to upload approved books to her daughter’s Kindle and then de-register the Kindle, which disconnects it from WiFi and prevents the promotions from showing up.  We must be alert about these things.

I wrote this article on How Kindles Can Wreck Marriages, which addresses ways to guard ourselves by uncovering secrets and staying accountable with one another and our husbands. It is a FOR us kind of thing.



Don’t forget this summer: The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex makes a great gift for any woman about to get married!

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Related posts:

Reader Question of the Week: What Should This Frustrated Husband Do?
Reader Question of the Week: How Has God Made a Difference in Your Marriage?
Reader Question of the Week: Help! My Husband Hates Kissing!

That One Perfect Person

Every Friday my syndicated column appears in a bunch of newspapers in southeastern Ontario and Saskatchewan. Here’s this week’s, based on something I was ruminating on last week at a marriage conference.

Our culture is in love with love. We gravitate towards movies that depict two drifting people finally discovering that one special person who completes them—that one special person who is their soul mate.

I’m not sure that’s actually a healthy trend. If we think there is One Person who completes us, then it naturally follows that if you’re not happy it’s because you haven’t found The One. And how do you know he or she is The One? Because bliss quickly follows.

Yet if bliss is our measuring stick to whether or not the person is The One, what happens when you get married and you start having inevitable difficulties? You lose your job. You find out that her mother is controlling. You simply can’t agree on who should do the laundry and the dishes.

Every couple must work through issues like these, but this illusion that there is one perfect person for us makes working on things difficult. Problems seem to be proof that he or she actually isn’t The One, because if he or she were, you wouldn’t have problems in the first place! You would always agree. And so you start to wonder if the whole foundation of your relationship is false.

What if it is, but not for the reason you think? What if marriage is not so much about finding the right person as much as it is about becoming the right person? When we’re looking for the right person, then the onus for the relationship working is entirely on them. We’re passive, just waiting to be made happy. But if we realize that relationships are dynamic, that people change with time, and that compromise is necessary, then we also realize that relationships are about us learning to love and sacrifice far more than they are about the other person completing us. It’s our attitude that matters.

My grandfather lived that attitude large. He lived a long life punctuated by great tragedy and loss, but he still embraced life with joy. And he shared that joy with three very different women, each of whom eventually succumbed to cancer after about two decades of marriage. When the last one wife died when he was 88, he decided that he was finished with romance. His house was decorated with pictures of all three of his wives for the next few years, before he left this world to join them.

Yet their personalities were quite different. One was a quiet family homebody. One was a no-nonsense go-getter. And one was a classy socialite. If he was looking for “The One”, he didn’t find three different versions of her. He found three very different women. Yet he loved all three.

What my grandfather instinctively knew was that if a relationship is going to work, you have to decide to be kind, to forgive, to put the other person’s needs first. And these things he did, wholeheartedly, giving him three very happy marriages.

Marriage is far less about finding that one perfect person than it is about deciding to love with reckless abandon. That may not sound as romantic as happening upon one’s soul mate, but looking at the pictures of the grandmother I never knew, the woman whom I called Nana, and the woman who couldn’t stop smiling at my wedding, I see real love. My grandfather knew how to make a marriage work, because he took the responsibility for it. If more of us felt that way, more of us would become The One.

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Cookin’ Something Up for Father’s Day

Guest post by Arlene Pellicane

My husband James and I have three children, ages 2, 5, and 7.  One evening, I announced that we would have an “everything in the wrong place” dinner where we would dress crazy.  Pants on your head.  Mismatched socks.  You get the picture.

My husband’s crazy outfit took the cake.  He came to dinner wearing a string of diapers across his chest, like he was a Rambo dad.  Fully loaded with diaper ammunition!  It was hilarious.

My first thought was, “Is this what a grown man has to do to get attention around here?”

It’s so easy to let our husbands fade in the background while our needy (and loud) children take up the majority of our time and attention.  Father’s Day is a great time to let our husbands know, “I see you!  You are my hero!”

Why not cook up something fun for him to remember Father’s Day with a smile?  Something better than a tie or even a power tool – the gift of yourself!

It doesn’t take any new research or an opinion poll to know that a man’s number one need is sexual fulfillment.  In Dr. Willard Harley’s book, His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-proof Marriage, he says the first thing a husband can’t do without is sexual fulfillment.  “Affection is the environment of the marriage, sex is the special event,” says Harley.

To get your brain moving in the right direction, here are three ideas that are absolutely free and are sure to please your man:

Send your husband a sexy invitation.  For instance, you could write a note like, “You’re invited to a special time of lovemaking for the best husband and father in the whole world.  Come to bed a little early, 7 pm on Sunday night.  The kids are going to grandmas, wink wink.”

Bring some flavor into the bedroom.  Try spicing up your love life by adding some ingredients from your Father’s Day barbeque to the bedroom.  Your husband will enjoy eating barbeque sauce, honey, or other sweet things off your body.

Give your husband love coupons.  One coupon could say, “Good for a massage and lovemaking.”  Another could say, “You pick the outfit tonight.”

Okay, which idea are you going to try – or what idea do you have to contribute?

 

Arlene Pellicane is a speaker and author of 31 Days to a Happy Husband and 31 Days to a Younger You.  She and her husband James live in San Diego with their three children Ethan, Noelle and Lucy.

 

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Wifey Wednesday: The 21 Day Marriage Challenge: Pick a Habit!

Welcome, Women Living Well readers! I’m guest posting over at Courtney’s blog today, and I’m glad you’ve come over! You may also be interested in my 29 Days to Great Sex series. Otherwise, read on for some more great marriage thoughts!

It’s Wednesday, which means it’s time for a marriage post and link-up party! I’ll write a post about marriage, and then you all can link up one of your own below!

In the sitcom Seinfeld, the character George Costanza was the perennial loser. He couldn’t keep a relationship. He was on a nowhere career path. His own parents didn’t really like him.

One day he had an epiphany. Everything he instinctually did was bad for him. He had horrible instincts! So instead he would simply start doing the opposite. Whenever he had to make a decision, he would ask himself, “what would I normally do?” And then he would do the exact opposite.

On his first day of trying this, he got a new girlfriend and landed a great job.

When Keith and I were speaking at a Weekend to Remember marriages conference in Fredericton, New Brunswick last week, I reminded the audience of that story. Sometimes what is comfortable and natural is not always the right thing. Sometimes the right thing actually feels awkward, because we’re not used to it. But we still need to decide to embark on a new path.

Experts say that it takes 21 days to establish a new pattern or a new habit; 21 days of doing something, every single day, for it to stop feeling awkward and start feeling natural.

Many of us are immersed in unhealthy patterns in all kinds of areas of our lives. We spend too much time on the internet. We yell too much at our kids. We get up too late and are always in a hurry. We have no organization in our lives and always feel a little discombobulated.

And we can be like that in our marriages, too. We stop talking about matters of the heart and only talk logistics: who is going to the grocery store, who is driving to karate lessons, who is going to help mom this weekend. We criticize when we should keep our mouth shut; we retreat to our own hobbies instead of spending time together. We never make love.

It’s hard to change everything at once, but I’d like to challenge you today to think of one small thing that you could do to make your marriage better. It doesn’t have to be something huge, but sometimes it’s those small changes that lead to other changes, just like a pebble dropped in a river makes waves.

Let’s take just one example. Let’s say that everyday  you decide that you are going to look for two things to praise your husband for. That’s relatively innocuous and doesn’t take a lot of time. But if you’ve been resenting your husband, or thinking about how much he fails to measure up, it can be revolutionary. So you begin to study what he does to find what you appreciate. Maybe they’re small things, like commenting on how much you appreciate him keeping up with the car’s maintenance so you don’t have to deal with it, or how wonderful he is on the barbecue. Maybe you tell him he smells nice after a shower, or that you appreciate how he got into a tickling match with your 5-year-old today. Just look for things that you admire, and let him know!

When he hears you start to praise him, instead of feeling a simmering, under the surface criticism, he starts to relax around you and starts to feel more positive, too. It can change the whole dynamic of your marriage, but it’s a relatively little thing.

Here, then, is a list of some small marriage challenges that you can enact for the next 21 days. That takes you almost to the end of June. Don’t pick them all; it’s hard to learn a new habit. But see if any of these speak to you, and then pray about it, and ask God to help you develop these habits so that they become natural.

1. Praise your husband for two things everyday

2. Every night, before  you go to sleep, put your hand on your husband and pray for him (either silently or out loud), that God will bless him and give him strength.

3. When he comes home from work (or when you come home from work), stop whatever you’re doing and greet him first. Tell him you’re glad to see him.

4. Before you see him at the end of the day, brush your hair, put on some lipstick, and tidy yourself up a bit so that you think, “I want to look great for my husband!”

5. Stop reading romance novels or watching chick flicks that make you feel dissatisfied with your marriage

6. Go for a walk with him after dinner every night, or find something else you can do with him everyday.

7. Ask him what little things you could do to make the home more inviting for him. Pick one and do it (without feeling resentment if he’s not returning the favour!)

8. Make a gratitude journal where you list five things you’re grateful for about your marriage and family everyday.

9. Get up early enough that you can grab breakfast together or connect in the mornings.

10. Make sex a regular part of your marriage, not something that happens just every once and a while.

11. Text him during the day to flirt or just tell him what you’re praying for him.

12. Find something to laugh about everyday. Watch YouTube videos together or comedies together. Talk together. Play with the kids together. Just laugh!

Here’s the thing about that list: none of these things is overly onerous. They’re all little. But as you add one to your life, it can change the dynamic of your marriage. And when you do it for long enough, it becomes a positive habit. Then you can add something else little, all of which can have a cumulative effect.

When we want to change our marriages, or our lives, we often focus on all the different things we’re going to have to do. We think about the huge problems we have to overcome. Don’t. You can’t tackle huge problems all at once. But you can break them down into something manageable. And the more we add of these small things, the more our thought processes towards our marriages change.

So I ask you: what habit can you start today that you can do for 21 days? (And if any of you picks sex, way to go! ). Leave your answer in the comments, or write your own blog post on marriage and link up below!

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Wifey Wednesday: My Marriage Links

Helping New Brides: Great Bridal Shower Gift

It’s that time of year: weddings are in the air! And I love weddings.

But I fear sometimes that we focus too much on the wedding and not enough on the marriage. My youngest daughter remarked to me recently that whomever she marries better propose in an imaginative way. It seems like all the viral YouTube videos of over-the-top proposals are making many girls expect something a tad unrealistic (to put it mildly).

I don’t actually remember how my husband proposed, but we have a great marriage. And I want other people to have great marriages, too, because when marriages are strong, we can start to look outward. We can raise healthier and more emotionally stable children. We can volunteer more and give more, because we have the support from home, and we’re not preoccupied trying to deal with our own emotional angst.

Marriage is on a downward spiral. Fewer people are getting married, and marriages are rather fragile. This is disturbing. And so, if you’re going to a wedding shower or a wedding in the near future, can I suggest buying something that will actually invest in the couple’s lives together? Don’t only buy a coffee maker or a blender. Think about giving them things that will help build their relationship. And so, here are some thoughts:

1. Buy Hobby Equipment

When Prince William and Kate Middleton visited Canada shortly after their wedding, they were presented with hiking and camping gear from our Prime Minister, I believe. Some questioned the gift, but I liked it. Give them something that will encourage them to spend time together and take up a new hobby!

Couples often settle into negative habits once they’re married when they don’t date anymore. They watch TV or spend time on the internet, but they don’t do things together. And when they don’t do things together, they don’t tend to talk, either.

So any gift that can encourage some kind of hobby you think they’d like, or that they already like, is a great idea!

2. Give them a Ready Made “Date”

Young couples often have very little money, so a gift of a restaurant card or a voucher for a hotel away in a year’s time can be a great idea!

3. Offer Baby-Sitting

If they already have kids (and many newlyweds are parents) then give coupons for baby-sitting so the couple can get some time to themselves. It doesn’t cost you very much, but those hours can be precious to a new couple.

4. Invest in Education

Most people know very little about how marriage works. We think it will be easy: you love each other, and bliss follows. But those of us who are married know there’s far more to it than that.

I really appreciated all of your input to my Reader Question of the Week on Saturday asking what book recommendations you would have for a groom who’s about to be married. Thank you! (and you can read those suggestions here).

Still 30% off at Amazon!

And thanks to all who said kind words about The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex , too. I wrote it just for women who are about to walk down the aisle (and for women who have been married for a while but who want even more from their sex lives!). It really is my prayer that this book can be used to help marriages. I have spoken to so many women who have found that sex is the hardest part of their relationship, and for many, it’s caused the marriage to fall apart. I think if more couples got off to a healthy start in this area, and understood how sex is supposed to work, how men and women approach sex, and how to get over some of the more common problems, more marriages would thrive.

Here’s what one bride-to-be wrote on Amazon about the book:

I bought this book in preparation for my wedding… which is one week from today!!!…. and could not be happier with it. I know it is a cliche to say this, but some parts made me laugh out loud and some made me well up in tears! Mrs. Gregoire struck just the right note: there are truly beautiful, inspirational, Biblically sound descriptions of what sex is (and isn’t), and what we good girls have to look forward to. Then there are very practical, educational chapters that help you know what to expect on your first night together (which I SO appreciate! Now I know to pack cranberry juice on my honeymoon, for example).

The book is not only for virgin brides, however; both long-married couples and unmarried sexually active people can find advice and words of love directed at just their situation. When I first opened the book and it fell open in the middle; I kept trying to go back and start at the beginning but couldn’t stop reading! Mrs. Gregoire is the fun aunt I never had. Thank you so much for the Good Girl’s Guide!

Another bride-to-be wrote:

As an almost-married young woman, I was looking for resources to help me have a biblical and right view of sex. Being a virgin and growing up a somewhat-sheltered Christian, there is a lot I didn’t know or understand about sex; the message I’ve mostly gotten is “Don’t do it until you’re married!”. While I completely agree that it is best and God-honoring to wait until marriage, I needed some advice and insight into how to “Do it when you’re married!”, especially since both my fiance and I have chosen to wait. Sheila writes in a friendly, helpful, and wise way – helping virgins like me understand some basics and walking others who aren’t virgins through what they may need help with. I found the book to be biblically-based and highly encouraging. With the help of this book, I feel like I’m walking into marriage with a good mindset and view of sex that will be beneficial and helpful. I still don’t (and can’t) know everything, but I feel more at ease and ready to explore and discover the gift God has given us in sex. Thanks, Sheila, for a fun and indispensable read.

So far it has a 5-star average from 59 reviews, so be sure to pick it up for all the women you know who are about to get married, and help them start right!

Now it’s your turn. What’s your favorite gift to give soon-to-be-married couples? Let me know in the comments!

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Wifey Wednesday: Helping Your Husband Through a Dark Time
Wifey Wednesday: Helping Your Husband Feel Strong
Wifey Wednesday: The Gift Giving Landmine