Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 100
September 10, 2018
Reader question: I Am Just Too Exhausted for Sex
Every Monday I like to take a reader question and take a stab at answering it, and today’s is from a woman who says she’s too exhausted for sex. I decided to do this one in video form, and then I’ve got some more links to some other helpful articles below!
For those of you who would rather read than listen, here’s the video about being too tired for sex in condensed form.
The woman says:
I have been working very hard for the last year to be more intentional and responsive when it comes to sex in my marriage. I have read books and prayed. I’ve spoken to my husband about my feelings, struggles, and needs. He understands and we do the best we can. I still feel guilty that we don’t have sex enough. I’m a teacher and I’m thoroughly exhausted after each 10-12 hour work day of waking up early and being on the go nonstop. That’s the biggest roadblock to a great sex life: exhaustion. Should I be forcing myself even when I can’t keep my eyes open? Is sex even meaningful if I’m not able to be mentally present?
Okay, great question. My bigger one, though, is this: Is this really the kind of life you want to lead? Where you’re exhausted all the time, you don’t have time for your marriage, you never feel passion? Is that what we want? Because largely this is a choice.
So let’s look at it:
Can you really be too exhausted for sex?
Well, yes, there are times I think you can. But on a day-to-day basis, no, I don’t think so. And that’s because: great sex actually helps you sleep better! When you orgasm, it releases all kinds of hormones that help you sleep faster and deeper.
I used to say no a lot because I was too exhausted, but then one night we made love anyway and I slept so deeply. I realized that was just what I needed! So now when I’m tired I say to Keith, “Come put me to sleep, baby!”
Can I have sex if I’m not mentally present?
Well, no, that’s definitely not a good idea. But let’s be serious here: Being mentally present is a choice. It’s a conscious thing that you do by deciding: this matters to me. I love my husband. I want to have fun.
Here’s one of the best gifts I find with sex when I’m busy: it helps me just be present, and just be about feeling, I can choose to go into that in-between mental state when I’m not thinking about anything, but I’m just experiencing.
This doesn’t happen automatically. It’s not like if you sit back and say, “well, when I want sex I’ll be able to experience great sex.” No, it’s about choosing to let your mind go there.
Sometimes starting with a massage can help. Sometimes having a cup of tea and just talking for a few minutes can help. But it is a choice you make.
What kind of life do you want in the long run?
Finally, if you’re living a life where you are chronically exhausted and have no time for sex or to feel passion or for your marriage–well, is this really what you want long-term? God created sex as a gift for you. You are a sexual being. When your life crowds that out and makes you too exhausted for sex, then you’re denying a huge part of yourself. You’re choosing to live half a life. Is that sustainable?
So ask yourself:
Could better organization help me to be less exhausted? Do I just need to get better with meal planning, laundry, homemaking, etc. so that things aren’t so overwhelming?
Do I need to keep better care of my body? Is part of my exhaustion the fact that I’m not eating well, I’m not eating at the right times, I’m not fuelling my body with what it needs? This was the case for me for years. I thought I was eating well; I really wasn’t. If you’re struggling with this, The Ultimate Healthy Living Bundle can help! I’t’s a collection of 90 resources worth over $2200, but it’s available until tonight at midnight for just $29.97! And I’m not kidding. I bought one myself, and I’m working through the fitness resources, but there are also great things on real food, on fixing hormonal imbalances, and more.
Check it out here. And remember–it’s gone at midnight tonight!
Do we need to think about bigger changes? If your job is making you so exhausted that you can’t live your life well, then maybe it’s time for a different job. Can you move to a cheaper community and downsize? Can you get a different sort of job? Can you make a 5-year-plan so that you won’t be doing this forever?
Your life is a choice. You get to choose how to live it. I know when we get exhausted it’s easy to feel like sex is an imposition. But if that’s the case–then there’s something seriously wrong. Can you make a choice to do something about it? Please?
Here are some other posts that can help when you feel too exhausted for sex:
10 Ways to Help You Not Be Too Tired for Sex
When Sex is Boring–and You Have No Desire for It
Boost Your Libido–Understanding how you can help yourself want sex again, and be mentally present!
The Ultimate Healthy Living Bundle–it’s only here until midnight! And I do urge you to check it out. So much of our libidos is dependent on our bodies. Let’s take care of our bodies!
What do you think? Have you ever had to make a major change because sex (or your marriage) just wasn’t working? Let’s talk in the comments!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 26 years and happily married for 21! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!
September 7, 2018
10 Ways to Handle the Food Wars with Your Husband
Sometimes we talk gender differences, or intimacy, or resolving conflict. Today I want to talk about something much more basic and everyday.
What do you do when you don’t like the same kind of food?
When my husband and I were married this was potentially a huge problem, but thankfully he decided to try new things. He grew up in a meat and potatoes house, where most vegetables were from a can. I grew up eating more exotically–Asian, Mexican, etc. And I liked seafood. He did not.
I wasn’t big on potatoes and gravy. I was big on noodle dishes. I liked veggies. He really hadn’t eaten very many other than peas and carrots. So it was a big adjustment.
One of my friends found adjusting to marriage hard because her husband only wanted unhealthy stuff–chicken wings, chicken fingers, etc. etc. How can you cook a balanced meal that way?
Or what if you’ve been married for a while, but it’s clear for health reasons that your diet has to change, and he isn’t into that? Then what?
Yesterday I was talking about how we really have to rethink what we’re teaching our kids about their relationship with food (because obesity is becoming a huge issue). I’ve also written before about how we really need to have a real conversation about weight, body image, and marriage. So I’ve tackled kids. I’ve tackled ourselves. And now I want to look at conflicts with our husbands around food!
Did you know that one of the posts that gets the most clicks from Google is about what to do with sex when your husband has a big belly? This is a real problem for so many women! (and I get tons of emails about it). Many women are just desperate to get their husbands to eat a healthier diet, especially when it’s impacting their ability to enjoy life (or even killing their libidos!).
Since the Ultimate Healthy Living Bundle is on sale this week (it’s over $2200 of ebooks, ecourses, and printables for just $29.97), I thought it was a good week to tackle the subject.
So here are a few thoughts from someone who has gone through this (though granted, my husband was open to change):
What do you do when you and your husband have very different taste in food? Here are some thoughts and suggestions on ending the food warClick To Tweet
1. Start small with healthy changes
Don’t ditch all the foods he loves at once (that’s not fair, anyway!). If he’s into the chicken wings-chicken fingers-fish sticks thing, then try to find other foods that are also tasty that he’d like. What about homemade meatballs in a really good sauce? Homemade shepherd’s pie? Spaghetti? A lot of these can be made healthier simply by using healthier meats, making your own sauces, and not using too much butter or oil.
2. Introduce one new healthy thing every few weeks
If you want to eat cauliflower, and he’s never had cauliflower, serve it along with something he likes. Don’t do cauliflower and brussels sprouts and green beans in a medley altogether. If he’s used to one vegetable as a sidedish (like peas), then don’t do a vegetable stirfry.
3. Keep healthy additions subtle
If you’re really worried about vegetable content, but he isn’t open to it, chop up vegetables very small to go into sauces. I have a food chopper that can make carrots miniscule. You still get all the benefits, but you can barely see them in a sauce. You can do the same with onions, mushrooms, or peppers. Many people also don’t like chunks of tomato, but if the tomatoes are pureed first, they’re okay with it.
4. Switch to different oils
Did you know that you shouldn’t be sauteeing food in vegetable oil? Oils like canola or plain vegetable are very bad for you. So’s margarine. Switching to coconut oil, ghee, even real butter can be much better for you and doesn’t change the taste. Making your own salad dressings (here’s where great olive oil comes in!) is also a way to cut down on processed foods and increase your nutrition.
5. Make meals into an experience
Especially when you’re newly married, and food may be more of an issue, make it special. Use candlelight. Put music on. Get romantic afterwards (especially before children arrive on the scene). Don’t just eat in front of the TV. If children are already on the scene, every so often eat a salad or a snack at 5:30 and then wait for dinner until 8:30 or 9:00 after they’ve gone to bed.
Make eating with your husband an experience. Even if you both like different foods, you can enjoy the time spent togetherClick To Tweet
6. Trade favourite meals
Propose that he can have one of his favourites each week if you can have one of yours. And stress to him that when you cook at home, it’s so much cheaper than going out! If he doesn’t like the diet, at least he may like what it does to his wallet.
7. Make an effort yourself to like things he likes
When I entered our marriage, I know this will sound strange, but I didn’t like cheese. I had a milk allergy growing up, and had never eaten it. So I just didn’t have a taste for it. My husband, on the other hand, loved it. I learned to cook casseroles and things with cheese on one side and no cheese on the other. Gradually I started putting a little bit on my side, too, and now I can eat SOME cheese (though I still don’t like it drenched in melted cheese). When you make the effort, he’s more likely to make the effort back.
8. Pack lunches
One of the best ways to eat healthy is to stop eating out! Even terrible food from home is likely better for you than most fast food. So one of the best ways to help your husband’s health (and the family budget!) is to pack lunches. Get some of those cool Bento boxes lunchboxes with multiple slots so that you can put a variety of foods in them. Include snacky foods for midday, like seeds, nuts, or veggies and dip and hummus.
9. Experiment with new types of foods or dishes that can be personalized
We love tacos and fajitas at our house, because I can heap as many veggies into them as I want, and Keith can heap as much lettuce and cheese as he wants! I love making fajitas with a ton of options for ingredients–beans, Mexican rice, peppers, mushrooms, meat, cheese, etc. But the nice thing is that you can personalize them and take what you like. Other foods that work well like this? Omelette bars for weekend breakfasts (add some veggies, cheese, garlic, etc.); even sandwiches!
10. Realize that there are some things he just may never like
My husband still doesn’t like seafood, although he will eat salmon when I cook it. He knows it’s healthy, and he should have it every now and then, but I don’t push it often. And that’s okay, because there are enough other things that he likes that we can find common ground.
Especially when you’re first married, making the adjustment to figuring out your menu can be challenging. You come from two different households, of course! And then, as you age, your body often makes it very apparent that you need to start caring about health.
These transitions are hard, and they’re often made harder by the fact that you both may not see food in the same way. But try these subtle changes. Over the years my husband has gotten to the point where he enjoys my meals as much as his mother’s (though her gravy really is good). In fact, there are some things he likes better, and he knows that it’s healthier to eat like we do. But it takes a while because it’s not what your body is used to. So remember you’re in it for the long haul! Exercise some give and take, and hopefully, over time you will see changes.
Ready for a Bigger Health Change?
The Ultimate Healthy Living Bundle has over 90 resources to help you and your family get on the road to better health. And I wanted to highlight just one of them today that can help with the guys.
Roland Denzel’s Real Food Reset is written by a guy, for guys (well, for anybody really, but it’s written like a guy talks. Cause he’s a guy. Guess that’s logical). Anyway, he goes into the WHY of changing your diet to real food, shows how it can be done in 30 days, and then shows how you can slowly reintroduce other foods.
Even if there are some foods your husband just can’t part with, it’s a great resource to help you make some small changes that can yield big results. And there are so many other resources, too! If you know that you need to make a change, take a look. There are resources to help you change your diet, change your fitness level, look at other health issues, including hormone imbalances, create a non-toxic home, and so much more!
Now let’s talk in the comments: Have you and your husband been having “food wars”? What do you do when you don’t like the same types of food–or if he doesn’t want to eat healthy?
Author
Social Media
Sheila's Best Posts
Books
Courses
Freebie
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 26 years and happily married for 21! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!
September 6, 2018
Can We Talk Honestly about Teenagers and Weight Problems?
I’m going to open a big can of worms.
I’m getting ready for people to throw tomatoes at me and yell at me.
But, please, please, can we talk honestly about something today? I really think we need to have a conversation about the fact that our kids are becoming increasingly obese.
I’m not trying to make anyone feel badly. And I do believe that one’s character matters more than one’s waistline.
But I worry that we’re so scared to make people feel badly about their weight that we’re just not being truthful. Obesity is a serious issue in North America today–and it’s becoming more and more common and more and more extreme. My daughters were both lifeguards and swimming teachers in high school, and they were seeing kids as young as 4 years old who were obese in their classes.
Are we doing enough as a church community and as family units to set up our kids for good health? And what can we do better? Because I’ve noticed some things about teenagers and weight problems:
1. Our Kids Are Growing Up Eating Almost Solely for Pleasure
They are growing up in a culture that eats for pleasure far more than other cultures did, because we have so much food. I eat when I’m bored sometimes, too. Don’t you? You have nothing to do, so the first thought that comes into your head is, “what’s in the fridge”? Many of our children naturally think of food, too, when they’re bored, and hence so much of their social life exists around food. And because we have so much choice, food is expected to taste good because you have options. Kids snack like there is no tomorrow, whereas in previous generations it was expected you had three meals a day and maybe a piece of fruit like an apple if you got hungry in between. Sitting in front of the TV with a bag of chips just didn’t happen unless it was a special family TV night.
A dear woman I know who heads up a ministry aimed at junior high kids told me about a day she spent with several girls, where all the girls did was want to eat. They ate a huge breakfast–far larger than this woman ate herself–and then an hour later asked when the next snack was. Everytime food was brought out they grabbed handfulls of it and stuffed it in, and consumed just as large a lunch. She figures they ate as many calories by 11 that morning as she normally eats all day.
Are churches doing enough to help families set their kids up for good health? Click To Tweet
Many children don’t seem to have a switch that says, “I’m full now”. They love the feeling of stuffing themselves, and the idea that “I am not particularly hungry right now” has never stopped them from eating before, so why should it now?
2. Kids Aren’t Learning How to Have Healthy Relationships with Food
When our oldest (Rebecca) was around 7, a little friend down the block used to hang out at our house constantly. I still remember the day she ate her first stick of celery. She didn’t know what it was. The only vegetables she had ever eaten were carrots and cucumber. And she had never eaten any vegetable cooked (unless you count french fries).
We served her stew one night and she didn’t know what to do with it, though once she tried it she liked it.
More than was the case a few decades ago, kids are growing up not knowing about fruits, veggies, and nutrition. KFC is healthy because it’s chicken, and chicken is good for you, right? But what happens when kids grow up without any basic knowledge of nutrition and see food as a boredom-killer more than their body’s fuel is they start not knowing how to have a healthy relationship with the food they eat. Kids overeat when they’re stressed, bored, happy, or sad simply because they’ve been taught that eating makes them feel good or is the best way to reward themselves. And that leads to a lot of obesity.
Can we talk honestly about teenagers and weight problems? It's a touchy subject, but so important.Click To Tweet
3. Teenage Obesity Affects the Rest of Their Lives
Being obese in childhood leads to lots of health issues, of course. But I don’t think we truly understand that it also affects kids’ lives relationally.
Here are the facts: In marriageable years, people tend to look first at appearance. That doesn’t mean that they won’t eventually look deeper, but appearance matters. And a large part of that is weight. I’m not saying anyone needs to be a size 4. But if you’re carrying an extra 50 pounds or more, it will deter your chances of finding a mate. It simply will.
Researchers have found that if a man is obese at 18, he is half as likely to be married at 40 as his average-sized peers. And men care about weight even more than women do, so it’s likely affecting women even more than it does men. In fact, other studies have found that in general, people are 20% more likely to get married if they are not overweight.
Your first instinct reading that may be to say, “That’s not fair! Men should learn to look what’s on the inside, since that’s what really counts.” And yes, I agree that who the person is matters far more than what they look like.
But the desire to be with someone of a healthy weight isn’t just that men are shallow, or a sign that a guy is looking at a woman like a sex object. The reality is that if someone is medically obese, that often means something about their lifestyle or their ability to do some activities. If a guy wants a wife who can be his partner through adventures, that’s not as much about appearance as it is just how well that woman will fit into his lifestyle.
As well, someone who is medically obese at 20 is more likely to have severe health issues later in life. So people choose to pursue people who are less likely to struggle with health problems if they have the choice.
We need to learn to talk to kids about food in a way that is HEALTHY--and that means being able to have honest conversations about the dangers of obesity.Click To Tweet
We need to figure out how to honestly talk about weight problems without introducing unhealthy beliefs about food, weight, and personal value.
I like looking pretty. And because I’m married, I try a little harder. I think looking nice for your man is a good thing, because it keeps the marriage fresh, and I want him to enjoy coming home to me.
However, I certainly don’t want people to think that our self-esteem should be primarily rooted in how we look, or that we all need to be super skinny to be worth something. Enough negative messages about beauty pervade our culture that I don’t want to add to them.
Yet I know that all of us, and especially our kids, do need to understand some basic things about health and about food.
Are you in that same boat? Do you know that you need to make a change–but you’re not sure how? Until I was pregnant with Rebecca I never really thought about what food I ate. I just ate so that I wasn’t hungry. I didn’t think about nutrition at all. And it’s only been lately that I’ve realized how I treat food like pleasure rather than fuel that is also fun. There’s a big difference.
If you’re looking to make that switch in your family, so that your kids can have a great relationship with food, let me introduce you to the Ultimate Healthy Living Bundle–a collection of 62 eBooks, 12 printable packs & workbooks, 20 eCourses and 2 membership sites, worth a total of $2,235.92, but on sale for 5 days only for $29.97.
I talk about the bundles that I love whenever they come on sale because I think they’re such a great deal. You don’t have to love every item in it, but I buy them every time they’re offered, and I always find one or two things that radically change how I do my life.
I want to highlight just a few items that I’ve been reading through this week that can help you make that transition in your home towards a healthier relationship with food.
10 First Steps to Real Food will take you on the journey I went through a few years ago after I bought my first bundle. It tells you what real food actually is (basically, something that you’d recognize on a farm), and then shows you how to switch your diet pretty painlessly to stuff that’s actually healthy.
One of the biggest changes I made (and it was super hard because it went against everything I’d been taught) was to embrace real fats, like those found in dairy products, avocadoes, nuts, seeds, etc. I had grown up believing the “low fat” mantra, and it’s actually not true. It really does help!
The Well Nourished Lunchbox gives you great ideas for things kids can take for lunch (or pack themselves) to make lunch more interesting, but also a lot healthier. And they’re awfully pretty, too! Other kids will be impressed. 
September 5, 2018
Our Submission Series: What Does It Mean to Obey Like Sarah?
Here’s how it works: I’ll have a long, drawn out post on how women should handle a husband’s sin that is endangering the family, and someone will leave a comment that simply quotes Bible verses on how women should stay silent and obey their husbands. 1 Peter 3 is a big one for them. They often quote verses like:
Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2 when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.3 …For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves. They submitted themselves to their own husbands, 6 like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her lord. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.
This is a very passive aggressive technique–it’s like saying “I’m absolutely right without having to make any argument because THE BIBLE.”
I’d like to spend the Wednesdays this month looking at how Jesus wants women to act in marriage–and I’d like to lay the groundwork in this first post by looking at how using the Bible to silence women isn’t biblical at all. Today we’ll look at how that method of interpreting Scripture is seriously off; and then next week we’ll look at how too many who want to silence women ignore Jesus, who is, after all, The Word of God. Then later in the month we’ll turn to how we should be treating and serving our husbands in marriage.
I’ve started a new theme on the blog where we spend the Wednesdays of each month looking at one particular subject in depth. Last month we launched it with our MBTI and marriage series. This month we’re going to get really in-depth in gender roles and marriage. And I want to start with this passage in 1 Peter 3, because it is left so often in the comments that I just want to deal with it once and for all.
Does the way we interpret scripture give us an incomplete look at submission? Here's what it REALLY means to submit like Sarah:Click To Tweet
Scripture cannot contradict itself
We know that ALL Scripture is God-breathed (2 Timothy 3:16), and that means that Scripture has to tell one complete story–the same story.
Yet when someone uses “Drive-by” Bible verses, and I leave a long comment with plenty of Scripture references showing that the issue is far more nuanced than that, they typically ignore all my other Scriptural evidence and just repeat the verse, as if that is an argument. Too often, commenters refuse to engage with the whole of the Bible. In fact, I had one commenter tell me that the ONLY woman that we are supposed to emulate is Sarah, since she’s the one that Peter specifically tells us to emulate. Apparently women shouldn’t take any significance out of how Mary or Deborah or Lydia or Elizabeth or Hannah or any other woman lived. Only Sarah.
That makes it sound like the Bible for women should only be about 5 verses.
Today I want to engage his argument. Let’s only look at the 1 Peter passage about Sarah. First, we’ll look at Sarah, the object of these words; and then we’ll look at Peter, the author of these words.
Did Sarah always obey Abraham?
Peter writes:
They submitted themselves to their own husbands, 6 like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her lord. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.
Reading this verse, and only this verse, gives the implication that Sarah obeyed Abraham in everything because he was her master.
When Peter was writing this, though, he was writing to Jews, people who were very familiar with the Abraham and Sarah story. They would have read that verse with all of the history of Abraham and Sarah in mind. And what would they have thought?
Let’s look at the four main interactions that the Bible records between Sarah and Abraham.
First, God called Abraham to leave his homeland, Ur, and go to a place that God hadn’t revealed to him yet (and would later become the Promised Land). And Sarah went with him.
As far as we know, God didn’t tell Sarah any of this, but she followed Abraham anyway.
Second, in the longest interaction, Sarah and Abraham negotiated what they should do together (without God)
Genesis 16 tells the story of Sarah and Abraham remaining childless, years after Abraham received the prophecy that his descendants would be numerous and that God would bless them. So Sarah suggested that Abraham take her handmaid Hagar and use her to get offspring. In this interlude, we don’t see Sarah obeying Abraham, but instead Abraham listening to Sarah. (The mistake here is that neither checked in with God or did what God wanted).
Third, Abraham was told to obey Sarah.
Many years later, after their son Isaac was born, Sarah told Abraham to get rid of his other son and Hagar, who bore him. Sarah knew that the promise was to come through Isaac, not Ishmael, and Ishmael was a threat to Isaac. Abraham didn’t want to do this, but God told Abraham to obey his wife:
But God said to him, “Do not be so distressed about the boy and your slave woman. Listen to whatever Sarah tells you, because it is through Isaac that your offspring will be reckoned. (Genesis 21:12).
So Abraham expelled Hagar and Ishmael. (God, however, did take pity on the two who had suffered so much, and protected Hagar and made sure that Ishmael thrived as well.)
An in-depth look at what Peter meant when he said to submit like Sarah did: Click To Tweet
Finally, Sarah agreed to lie about Abraham’s identity.
Twice when the couple were traveling through unfriendly territory, Abraham told Sarah to lie on his behalf and say that she was his sister rather than his wife (though he claimed it wasn’t a lie since she was his half-sister). As it turned out, the rulers took Sarah, who was very beautiful, into their harems, and God rescued them before real harm happened.
Sarah sacrificed her own well-being. What was her motivation? Was it obedience for the sake of obedience, as my drive-by commenters would imply?
In Genesis 12:13, we learn why. Abraham says:
Say you are my sister, so that it may go well with me because of you, and that my life may be spared on your account.
Abraham doesn’t say, “do what I say because you’re my wife and you must obey.” He says, “protect my safety and act to bless me.”
If we are to emulate Sarah, then, what do we learn from these four stories that the Bible tells us about their interactions?
The overall message of Sarah’s life would be: Follow your husband when God is clearly telling him something, even if you’re scared, but confront your husband when he is obviously not following God. Don’t do things without checking with God first. And, as Peter reiterated in his letter, do what is right (don’t lie for other people).
Follow your husband when God is clearly telling him something, even if you're scared, but confront your husband when he is obviously not following God. Don't do things without checking with God first. Click To Tweet
Who did Peter think we should obey?
The Jewish readers of Peter’s letters also would have read his words through the eyes of their own relationship with Peter. These people knew Peter (they likely were part of the Jerusalem church that was later scattered in the persecution), and so they would take what they knew of Peter into account when trying to figure out what Peter meant by things.
Let’s look at just one chapter in the book of Acts that sheds light on Peter’s thinking about obeying one’s husband and following God’s will: Acts 5.
Acts 5 opens with the story of Ananias and Sapphira, a married couple who had decided to sell a piece of property, keep back some of the money, but tell the apostles that they were donating the whole thing to God. Ananias came in first and gave the apostles the money, and then he was struck dead for lying to God. A little while later Sapphira came in, and Peter checked with her, too–“was this the whole price?” She said it was, and Peter said,
How is it that you have agreed together to put the Spirit of the Lord to the test?
He gave her the chance to separate her actions from her husband’s. And if she had–if she had told the truth, in contrast to her husband–she would have been spared. As it was, she was struck dead, just like Ananias. Doing something wrong just because your husband did it is no excuse before God.
Later in the chapter Peter makes the point even more clearly. Peter and the apostles were arrested by the temple police, and had to defend themselves before the council. They were ordered to stop preaching in the name of Jesus, and Peter declared,
“We must obey God rather than man!” (Acts 5:29).
To Peter, we serve God and God only. We obey God, not men. He was absolutely adamant about this in the way that he lived his life and in the way that he taught the early church. And these two events were pivotal to the early believers. The readers of Peter’s letter, then, would not have taken his words to mean that women should just follow men and do whatever their husbands wanted. That’s putting the husband in the place of Jesus, and that’s idolatry!
Doing something wrong just because your husband did it is no excuse before God.Click To Tweet
So what would the readers of Peter’s letter have thought about emulating Sarah?
My drive-by commenters believe this verse clearly says that women should always obey their husbands no matter what. However, the readers of Peter’s letter would never have thought that. First, they would have known that Peter didn’t think this; but second, even if Peter had wanted to tell his readers to do so, he would not have used Sarah as the example. Sarah’s life was hardly the picture of a wife obeying her husband in everything!
Instead, when contemporary Jewish readers encountered Peter’s command that women emulate Sarah, who obeyed Abraham “rather than giving way to fear”, that last part would have given them the context of what Peter meant. They would have known that it was not a command to obey in all circumstances. Instead, they would take that bit of the verse–“rather than giving way to fear”–and hearken back to to the time that Sarah DID obey, even when it was scary.
And that was the time that Sarah followed Abraham out of Ur, because God called him. That was a pivotal time in Jewish history (really the beginning of Jewish history). It would make sense that Peter would remind his readers of it. And the message they would take? When God is speaking, you follow by faith. It’s that simple.
They would never think that it meant that women should not confront their husbands’ sin, or that women should forget God’s will and only follow their husband’s will, because that would go against everything they knew of Sarah, and everything they knew of Peter. Instead, they would have remembered Sarah exercising faith when God told Abraham something. And that’s an important lesson for all of us–it just isn’t the lesson that these drive-by commenters think.
Drive-by verse quoting is immature and silly.
We learn about God and how we should act through the whole of Scripture, together, with each piece showing a different part of the puzzle. When people choose to ignore the rest of Scripture because of one verse–well, then they’re the ones not treating the Bible seriously.
So next time you’re trying to figure out what the Bible says on a complicated issue, and someone quotes one Bible verse as if it makes further discussion unnecessary, they’re the ones in the wrong. It’s okay to ignore them, but if you can, try to make them defend their position when other Bible stories contradict it.
Next week we’ll look at Jesus, because He is the author and perfecter of our faith, and He is the one that we need to see all Scripture through. And we’ll see what Jesus would say to people who believe like my drive-by commenters.
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 26 years and happily married for 21! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!
September 4, 2018
When It’s Hard to Rejoice with Other People’s Victories
Hi everyone – this is Joanna, one of Sheila’s assistants. This week in September, Sheila (and all of us at To Love, Honor, and Vacuum), remember Sheila and Keith’s late son, Christopher, who passed away 22 years ago today. I asked Sheila if I could write a reflection on the refining fire we experienced when I was an infertility patient. Sheila, Rebecca, and the rest of the team are back in Canada and are enjoying the thrills of jetlag after their missions trip to Kenya, but Sheila will be back on the blog tomorrow with the start of this month’s series on women and submission. Please pray for them as they process their time in Kenya, as well as for the many people they served there. We hope you had a wonderful Labor Day weekend!
In my daughter’s nursery sits what is perhaps our most prized possession – a cradle made out of wood in Egypt by hand many years ago by our dear friend, Dr. Kenneth Bailey. He crafted it for his daughter, whom I have always called Aunt Sara. He made it while they were missionaries there and the cradle has made its way around the world. Aunt Sara gave it to me when I was expecting my daughter and we are so grateful for it. We actually used it as a part of our newborn photo shoot (by the way – newborn photo shoots are totally worth it!)
Mariana in her special doll cradle as a newborn
Dr Bailey was a very important person, though he never acted like it. (His book, Jesus through Middle Eastern Eyes, is, quite literally, life changing). He had so much wisdom for us and I can’t express how much I miss being able to ask him all of my questions. I felt, when we were together, that I’d gotten a taste of what it was like to sit at Jesus’ feet. (A cover story he wrote for Christianity Today in 1998 on the prodigal son is a wonderful introduction to his work, if you’re interested.)
Dr Bailey had a hard life. He fled Rommel during the Second World War (he was an MK in Egypt), lived through a war in Lebanon (during which it was unsafe for him to leave the house), and lost his only son to brain cancer. He knew sorrow – and yet he was a person who chose joy.
One of the truths he shared with my family was this: it is harder to rejoice with those who rejoice than to mourn with those who mourn.
I’ve thought a lot about that fact as I’ve gone through my life, and I think he’s entirely right.
And so when I found myself in a desert period of my life, I was determined to rejoice.
I didn’t do it perfectly, but I did my very, very best. During that season my husband couldn’t seem to find a job in his field (he’s a lawyer) and I couldn’t get pregnant.
Josiah made call after call to firms, got lots of interviews…and nothing worked out. I began having tests done and scheduled each month around my cycle, while privately finding it hard to live in the uncertainty of whether I would get to be a mother.
This is the desert: when life feels literally barren, empty, void.
We kept finding mirages, a job potential, a new treatment for my infertility… but they’d fade to nothing as we got closer.
I found a podcast episode on infertility, and I listened to it whenever I struggled. I listened on repeat to Andrew Peterson’s “The Sower’s Song,” and I clung to the promise that the seed planted “will not return void”. I trusted that my life would be abundant, somehow, whether I was a mommy or not.
Here's a hard truth: It is easier to mourn with those who mourn than it is to rejoice with those who rejoice. Can we rise above it?Click To Tweet
Of course, the challenge is that while we were in the desert, lots of our friends appeared to be in gardens.
I was invited to lots of baby showers and, as I served as the chair of the children’s ministries team at church and taught Sunday school… my life was full of children. I ached to have one of my own, but I also found it to be such a balm to have kids I could love. Maybe I wouldn’t be a mommy, but I could love these kids. I could be the best Sunday school teacher I could be.
I didn’t always manage this perfectly. A friend (who was pregnant with her second baby) had her husband (who is also in law) get a prized position clerking with the Supreme Court of Canada. And I was filled with ugly, green envy that I had to confess to the Lord. My heart broke when I looked around our church at all of the women whose bodies had managed to nurture new life, I wondered why I was so defective.
But, I persevered. Even when it was hard, I went to the baby showers (even if I cried beforehand) and I didn’t bring up my infertility. I took my Sunday school girls to watch baby dedications in the service and we celebrated together. I went to church on Mother’s Day and I honored the many mothers who I loved in the congregation, including my mother in law and my grandmother in law. I also recognized that I was in the beginning of my journey of infertility, and so, while it was hard, I also knew that it would get harder if I stayed in the desert, so while I had lots of goals, I also realized that I might need to move the goalposts eventually.
Now, did I do this to simply pat myself on the back for being “the bigger person”? No. You see, my mother was also an infertility patient. She talked often about how the Lord had used it in her life and how much she’d learned through the experience. I was determined that my own experience would not be wasted. I was determined to emerge from the refining fire better than when I’d gone in – a bit battered, sure, but purer.
And so I chose joy when my friends and family had joyful experiences.
Joy, you see, is often a choice. Sometimes I didn’t feel joyful, but I chose to focus on the person who I wanted to be, the person who I trusted Jesus to make me. And, somehow, the knowledge that I was doing a hard thing that was also very much worth doing gave me a great deal of comfort. It helped me to persevere.
When I did, after 18 months of trying, manage to become pregnant, I found myself not in the desert anymore. Instead, we were in a jungle. Teeming with life, but full of changes and dangers and challenges. It has been another good, but hard, season. As we’ve dealt with a number of health issues, two moves, a new job, and adjusting to parenthood, I’m grateful for the muscles I built while training in the desert, for the refining I had there.
We all experience times of testing in the desert, when life feels empty.
We also face times in the jungle, when we hold on for dear life as we face danger around every corner. But in all times, we can hold onto the words written by James, the Lord’s brother:
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. (James 1:2-4, NIV)
I’d love to hear your experiences of desert and jungle in the comments!
Newborn Photo Shoot with Joanna, Josiah, and little Mariana
August 31, 2018
Why Do We Think We Can Change “Bad Boys”?
It told me I’d give The Rewrite with Hugh Grant and Marisa Tomei four stars, so I clicked play.
Fifteen minutes later I turned it off.
Basically, Hugh Grant’s character was a pig. He used women, he was shallow and selfish, and he had no redeeming virtues. But you know the way the story was going: he’d meet Marisa Tomei, and she’d be so amazing and so what-he’s-always-needed-but-never-found and he would change.
Why is that the plot of most love stories?
Why are we so drawn to the idea that our love will be enough to make a bad boy good?
God’s love is enough to make a bad boy good, but a woman’s love isn’t. And too many of us get married thinking that we can “fix” our husbands. Christian romance novels are awfully guilty of spreading that, too.
I’ve read so many where he’s a rough cowboy, and then he meets her, and suddenly he’s domestic. Maybe he wasn’t “bad” in the same way as Hugh Grant’s character was morally bad, but the idea is the same: he needs saving, she swoops in, and in the process he’ll completely change.
With all the movies about bad boys who 'change for her,' no wonder so many women are disappointed with their marriages! Let's stop trying to find boys to change, and just find good men instead!Click To Tweet
No wonder so many of us get married and feel cheated! Why hasn’t he changed? Why hasn’t he become this sweet, nice, romantic and domestic man? Why is he still the strong, silent type? Why is he still rough around the edges? Why, for pete’s sake, does he still FART?
Just a few quick thoughts here: if a guy is truly bad, marriage won’t change his character. Run far away from bad guys. Yes, they can change, but let God do that work first before you even think about a relationship with him.
But what if he’s just the strong, silent type?
Then if you’re trying to change him, you’ve become the bad guy.
If you can’t love him, just the way he is right now, for the rest of your life, then don’t marry him. And if you’re already married? Learn to accept the rough edges of his personality. Yes, confront about the sin; absolutely! But if it’s just that he’s quiet, or he doesn’t share his emotions, or he can be thoughtless sometimes–maybe that’s how he is. And you promised to love him.
So love him, and stop trying to change him.
If we all did that, maybe we’d have some much better, and more realistic, love stories.
Instead of trying to change a bad boy, let’s start looking for men with good character to start with!
I’ve written a ton of posts about how to find a great husband, or what makes a great father. Here are some of my favourites:
1. How Can You Tell if the Guy You’re Dating Has Good Character?
He goes to church and says all the right things, but how can you tell if he really loves God, or if it’s just a mask he wears? Here are some tips to figure out if he is really on fire for God, or if it’s all surface-level.
2. 10 Tips to Help Your Daughter Recognize a “Good Guy” from a “Bad Guy”
Here’s some practical tips from the To Love, Honor and Vacuum readers on how to figure out if he’s really a good guy! So much wisdom here!
3. The Best Advice for Choosing a Good Husband
This is what I wish every woman knew going into marriage. Check it out.
4. Fatherhood Material
Sometimes a guy can seem fantastic–but would he make a good father? Here’s how to tell if someone wouldn’t only make a great partner, but an amazing father to any future kids you may have!
5. Four Things That Make a Man Husband Material
This is an older post, but one of my favourites when it comes to dating advice. So much heartache could be prevented if more girls were told to look for these 4 things. Make sure you’re not falling for someone who doesn’t mark off all four of these!
Instead of trying to find bad boys to CHANGE, here's some advice for how to find a GOOD MAN from the start! Click To Tweet
What is some of your best advice for women looking for a good husband? Share it in the comments and let’s break the cycle of trying to rescue the bad boy!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 26 years and happily married for 21! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!
Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!
Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually. If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.
August 30, 2018
4 Reasons You and Your Husband Should Go on More Double Dates!
I’ve written before about lots of ideas for date nights once you’re married (and about the big mistake we usually make about date nights!). And I wanted to say something different today.
My husband and I have been thinking lately that spending time, just the two of us, isn’t always our biggest need. Sometimes we just need more friends! And that’s why we’re getting more intentional about double dating as a couple.
I ran into Ashley Durand from Dating After I Do on Twitter, and found some awesome stuff she writes about date nights. And I asked her if she’d be willing to write a post for me on using double dates as your date night ideas! So she thought about it and came up with some great thoughts that I want to share with you today.
Here’s Ashley:
As a Millennial in a world permeated with social media friendships and instant global communication via Facetime, texting and snapchat, it is refreshing to have real face-to-face hangouts with friends.
Our world is clearly so thirsty for community and yet, getting to know someone in real time can be so tough because it pushes us outside the comforts of crafting conversation through well-thought Tweets and Facebook chats. Asking another friend or a couple to hangout feels a bit risky because- what if they don’t like you? You can’t just close out a chat when things start feeling a bit awkward.
But we were not made for isolation, especially in marriage. We need people around us to remind us of truth and to just have plain old fun in the midst of the stresses of life. So, just like when you first asked your spouse on a date, you have to take a risk and put yourself out there to make couple friends.
Double dating can be intimidating sometimes—but the only way to move past that is to plunge ahead.
My husband and I, who have been married a little over a year, have recently seen an uptick in our couples dating calendar. We have seen both success and failure as we navigate the arena, but have found every minute worth it. Here are four reasons why you should give it a try:
Double-dating in marriage and how it can help grow your relationship and build new friendships!Click To Tweet
1. Double-dating allows for activities that you can’t do with just two people
It is amazing how many new doors open when you add more people—sometimes literally. For instance, we once went to an escape room with two other couples, and we were able to figure out the clues and open doors by putting all our skills together. Other date nights that you can’t do with just your spouse include playing sand volleyball, playing most board games, or doing a progressive dinner at which each couple hosts a portion of the meal at their home. A few things on our list of future couples dates are hosting a murder mystery party and having everyone dress in character, going to a water park on a hot day, getting a fan group to attend a favorite band’s concert, or doing a couples camping trip. The possibilities are endless!
2. Double-dating reminds you that your marriage is normal.
Life is crazy and sometimes you just need an outside perspective to recognize the humor and normality of it all. We once went on a double date right after I had purchased a pair of new shoes for my husband. In passing he must have mentioned something about his new kicks, and I said something along the lines of “if I didn’t buy him a new pair, he would never get a new pair. Every other shoe he owns has a hole in them.” The wife chuckled and said they had just had that conversation about her husband’s t-shirt collection. We all had a good laugh about how our dear husbands hated shopping, but how we appreciated their sweetly selfless and frugal hearts. Other times we have had fun conversations about the hilarity of our morning routine…how I set three alarms and we both end up running around the room like headless chickens. We have compared notes with other couples about similar job crisis, baking fails, silly arguments and best dates. It has been a great way to realize than in our imperfections and successes, we are not alone.
Looking to foster community in your life? Here are 4 ways double dating could help!Click To Tweet
3. Double-dating allows you to encourage and be encouraged.
We recently went on a double date with a couple who is engaged. As we sat around a bonfire, roasting marshmallows, they asked us what it is like to be married, and shared that they had heard a lot of negativity about marriage from others. We were able to honestly express that though aspects of marriage are sometimes hard, marriage is really wonderful and a lot of fun. After being married for one year, we certainly were no experts, but we had genuinely enjoyed being together every day, going on married dates, making new traditions and establishing our own family.
They were so relieved!
In addition, we have gone on dates with couples who have been married much longer than we have, and who have been through things we are now facing. They encouraged us to keep pursuing each other and Christ, and told us that we were doing a good job honoring marriage. It was nice to get an outside perspective.
4. Double-dating helps you make friends.
We have discovered double dating to be a great way to get to know new couples at church or work. But If you are an introvert (as my husband is) it can be intimidating to sit across from someone new at a dinner table for two hours and come up with questions, facing a potentially dead-end conversation. But what we have found is that inviting a couple you don’t know very well to go mini golfing, bowling or hiking–with dessert to follow–is a great way to do it. Being side-by-side takes the pressure off having an amazing eye-to-eye conversation and gives you something common to focus on. After everyone has warmed up to each other, grabbing dessert is a good way to have a deeper, more focused conversation without the stuffiness of a formal dinner setting. If it goes well and you hit off, have them over for dinner next time!
If you are short on ideas for double dates or for your regular date night with your spouse, please check out my blog at “Dating After I Do” which captures our date night adventures and offers tips and tricks to a great married dating life.
Have you tried double-dating? What are some of your favourite outings to do with friends? Let’s chat about it in the comments below!
About Ashley Durand
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Ashley Durand, Public Relations Specialist at Focus on the FamilyAshley Durand graduated with a Bachelor's in Journalism from Grace College and Theological Seminary in 2013. She now lives in Colorado with her husband Jon, works at Focus on the Family, and is on the board of the Public Relations Society of America for the Pike's Peak region. She loves to write, have adventures in the mountains, drink coffee, and read good books. To see more of Ashley's work, please check out her blog "Dating After I do"
Some of the best posts from Ashley on the web:
The Everyday Romance
The Night Hike
Conversation Starters
Interested in seeing more of Ashley's work? Check out her porfolio here!
August 29, 2018
MBTI and Marriage: Judgers vs. Peceivers (or how we tend to tick each other off!)
This month, for Wifey Wednesdays, looking at personality differences, using the MBTI (Myers Briggs Type Indicator). The MBTI figures out people’s personalities based on four different scales. I explained how MBTI and marriage work in the big picture in our first post in the series, and then we looked at the introvert/extrovert distinction, the big picture/detail person distinction, and the Thinker/Feeler distinction. Today, in the last post of our series, we’re focusing on the P/J distinction.
As an aside, this is the only distinction where Rebecca and Connor differ. She’s an ENTJ; he’s an ENTP. And reading the book Just Your Type about these differences had us both in stitches. She read it all to Connor afterwards, because it described them to a T!
What is the P/J Scale in the MBTI?
We talk a lot about extraverts vs. introverts and thinkers vs. feelers, but what most people don’t realize is that the difference that is the most prone to derail marriage is actually this one–judgers vs. perceivers.
I’m going to let the authors explain this:
As you are about to see, Judging and Perceiving have much to do with the way we like to run our everyday lives. As a result, many couples experience their greatest frustrations when they’re different in this type dimension.
One of the key aspects of Judging and Perceiving has to do with the issue of closure. Judgers like things to be settled and often feel a certain tension before a decision has been made. Since making decisions relieves the tension, they typically take in only as much information as is necessary to make a decision and then move on. By contrast, Perceivers feel tension when they are forced to make a decision. To alleviate that tension, they avoid making decisions and try to leave their options open as long as possible . As a result, they are often (but not always) prone to procrastinating. As you are about to see, Judging and Perceiving have much to do with the way we like to run our everyday lives. As a result, many couples experience their greatest frustrations when they’re different in this type dimension.
Yep! The P/J distinction is all about how we tackle little things in our lives. And it can be very grating when someone is different!
MBTI and Marriage: When Judgers Marry Perceivers
One of the great challenges is that we often assign morality to our own approach to the world. Judgers tend to think perceivers are irresponsible or lazy. Perceivers think judgers are “anal”, to put it bluntly. And so we start to think of ourselves as superior, when it’s really just a different approach to life.
Judgers are planners, and they like to be prepared. Because they expect a set plan to be followed, they often have a hard time shifting gears when the plan unexpectedly changes. By contrast, Perceivers often are hesitant to commit themselves for fear that if they do, they may miss some great opportunity that will come along later. Besides, Perceivers like to act spontaneously and usually adjust well to surprises.
How does this work in everyday life?
It’s very hard for most Judgers to enjoy themselves when there are still chores to be done or projects to be finished. By contrast, most Perceivers feel that there’s always more time, so why not relax or take advantage of some unexpected opportunity.
Can any of you see yourselves in that? One of you wants to get the chores done before you relax on a Saturday. The other wants to have fun!
Rebecca says:
Throughout our marriage, this has been at the heart of every single fight we have had. I look around the apartment and see 74 things that need to get done before the weekend, 5 days away. Connor sees it as “Sweet! I have 5 days before I have to do those 74 things!” and happily plugs in his video game to enjoy his time off while I stew and clean, feeling oh so sorry for myself that my husband just expects me to do everything and not even lift a finger.
But that’s not actually what he’s expecting at all.
Our needs are very different. I have a need to feel like my life isn’t slipping out of my control, and he needs to feel free to enjoy himself without having to worry about me busting in and yelling at him to get everything done.
Our solution is two-fold. First, we have a list of must-do tasks that need to get done before any down-time. Every day, we must take the dog on two walks (I take the morning, Connor takes the evening), we must clean off the counters in the kitchen and put any used rags in the wash, and we must tidy the bathroom. But we also must spend some down-time together where I’m not talking about what we have to do tomorrow.
Then, when there are other things to get done, I make a list with a deadline. And the items on the list must get done by the deadline, but can be done any time within that timeframe. That gives me (the Judger) the reassurance that everything will get done and enough of a routine that life doesn’t get too overwhelming and it also gives Connor (the Perceiver) guaranteed “time off,” and (more importantly) time off together.
Here's what happens when a Myers-Briggs J-type marries a P-type! Click To Tweet
When Two Judgers Marry
I have bought two properties in my life in less than a 24 hour time span. In fact, when we bought the house we currently live in, I was talking to my daughters, then 12 and 10, at breakfast one morning about how I just didn’t see how we could possibly redo the kitchen and make it work. So we started browsing at real estate properties online. I found a house I liked. I phoned Keith; our real estate agent set up a viewing that afternoon. We made the offer that night. The day before we hadn’t even considered moving!
I once bought a rental property, too, in the space of about 24 hours.
Now, both decisions ended up being good ones, but the fact is that judgers make decisions VERY quickly, and if you’re not smart about it, that can lead to some really bad decisions. In fact, if both of you are Js, it will tend to exacerbate other areas where you are also the same. So if you are both Ts, for instance, then your J nature will cause you to potentially ignore other people’s feelings even more. If you are both Fs, your J nature may cause you to make decisions that are possibly monetarily foolish to make someone else happy, too!
The moral of the story: When two Judgers are together, it’s likely a good idea to make a pledge that you will not make a huge decision without sleeping on it, or at least deciding to pray about something for a few days, even if you are both are rock solid sure!
What happens when two people marry who are both Myers-Briggs J or P types? What are the potential strengths and weaknesses? Check it out:Click To Tweet
When Two Perceivers Marry
You love fun. You’re both spontaneous; you’re the life of the party; you love new experiences.
The problem, though, is that you may never get things actually finished. Your house will tend towards the messy side. You’ll likely be disorganized. And decisions will be very difficult for you. Though you’re spontaneous on a daily basis, making big, but necessary changes, like buying a house, moving, going back to school, or expanding your family, may be challenging for you.
It’s all the more important for you, then, to think about big picture things like goals, and then break those goals down into concrete steps. If you want to own a house in the next five years, how much money do you need to save now? Consider even bringing in a friend or another couple to help you stay on track with your goals.
Set up rewards for yourselves for when you accomplish tasks. You’ll never have a hard time having fun, but you may have a hard time getting things done. So turn your fun things into rewards. When you clean the house on a Saturday morning, you get to do something fun in the afternoon.
Make goals, set rewards–and you’ll be more likely to move ahead well!
Where are YOU, my readers, on the Judging/Perceiving scale?
In my Friday newsletters, I asked all through the month of July questions about personality types. You may be sensing a theme – because almost two thirds of the people responded (once again!) married someone who is their opposite in this regard. About 25% of folks who responded are both Judging and almost 10% are both Perceiving.
Since this is the last piece in the MBTI series – I just want to take a second to thank everyone who responded to the surveys we did on personality types. This whole series was inspired by an email question we sent out and the surveys leading up to it were really fun! You all are wonderful
August 28, 2018
How to Have the Most Fun Women’s Bible Study Ever
My women’s Bible study was my life saver when I was a young mom. I loved it because they offered babysitting, so I could enjoy being with other women while my kids actually had fun. And there were women of all different ages there, so I found some awesome mentors. It was at my women’s Bible study that I first started teaching, too, and that’s where my first speaking engagements came from!
I highly recommend finding a church with a good women’s Bible study, whether it’s during the day or in the evenings. And if you have to go to a study at a different church–well, that’s okay, too! And MOPS groups are awesome if you have babies and toddlers. I’ve spoken at so many MOPS groups and they’re always a bunch of fun.
So today I thought I’d just list some resources that I have if you want to enjoy a really great–and fun–women’s Bible study this fall!
Women’s Bible Study #1: The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex
Bet you didn’t think you could do this as a Bible study! But you can. I’ve created a free 6-week Bible study that you can use with your group, with ice breakers, questions, and more!
It lets you walk through the book and discuss the big issues without having to get too super personal. And I think it’s so important that we talk about important things together, and start dealing with a lot of the lies that we grow up believing about sex. Plus it makes a great seeker study to interest those who may find a full-on Bible study too intimidating. Start with this one this year, and then you can do a more Scripture-focused one later in the year, once everyone is comfortable with the group!
I’m going to be adding video to this study as soon as I’m home from Kenya, so it will have even more resources for it.
Check out The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex study here.
(and you can also use the study as an individual journaling exercise, too!)
Looking for some out-of-the-box women's Bible study ideas? Check these out from author and blogger Sheila Wray Gregoire:Click To Tweet
Women’s Bible Study #2: 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
Here’s a video-based study with ice breakers, questions, Scripture to discuss to go along with the lesson, and more!
I’ve designed it to work in either a 6-week period or an 8-week period, so you can customize it based on whatever timetable your group is working with.
It’s a great study that will take you through a lot of important aspects of marriage, including getting our own attitudes right; understanding what submission means (and what it doesn’t mean); how to resolve conflict well; how to understand sex and make it great; and how to stay close as a couple.
It challenges a lot of the pat answers we often hear in church about marriage, and shows how the things that we often think about marriage may actually be holding us back from having a great marriage!
This study is pretty much guaranteed to generate lots of interesting discussion. And it’s a bunch of fun, too!
Check out the different versions right here.
(and there’s also an individual study that you can do at that link as well!)
MOPS Bible Study: The Intimacy Collective
MOPS is publishing some awesome studies that MOPS small groups can do together, and I authored one for them–completely on sex! It’s called The Intimacy Collective, and you can find it right here. I talk about dealing with sexual shame; understanding how libido works for women; how to experience real intimacy when making love; and more. And it’s a ton of fun. I’ve also written a leader’s guide that goes along with it that helps small group leaders navigate some potential landmines, but also explains how to guide this really important conversation.
It’s guaranteed to be a collective that your MOPS group will love!
I really do believe that small groups are such an important way to meet other people and to study important topics (and think more deeply!). We tend to just hang out with friends, but in a small group setting, we often meet people we wouldn’t necessarily talk with, but from whom we can learn a lot. I know that was my experience, and I hope that you all can benefit from one of these studies, too!
Let me know in the comments: Have you ever benefited from a small group? What made it special?
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 26 years and happily married for 21! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!
Does Your Sex Life Need a Pick-Me-Up?
Maybe it's gotten stale. Maybe it's never felt that great. Or maybe you just feel like you're missing something!August 27, 2018
Reader Question: I Need Help Initiating Sex!
One of the most popular posts on this blog is 10 things to know about initiating sex.
But quite often, I still get women emailing me saying, “I really want to do this! But it just doesn’t feel like me, and I freeze up!”
I get it. So today, for Ask Sheila, I thought I’d make a video about this, and then suggest some more things that can help.
Now, for those of you who prefer to read, here’s my response in a super quick nutshell:
Essentially this woman is saying that she enjoys sex, but when it comes to being the one to initiate, she just can’t do it. She wanted tips that didn’t seem outlandish.
But honestly–the tips I’ve got on this blog are not really X-rated. If anything, they can be on the shy side (because super confident women don’t tend to need help initiating!). If you can’t do these things, the problem is likely not that you haven’t found exactly the right initiation tips. The problem is more likely that you just don’t feel like a sexual being, or you just don’t feel sexually confident.
That can stem from three issues:
You have a hard time being vulnerable and out of control, and so have a hard time feeling passionate
Why you can’t be a control freak in the bedroom
You’re embarrassed of your body
How to embrace your body
You can’t see yourself as a sexual beingSex can be both hot and holy at the same time
The only way to embrace your sexual side
I really think we have to be people who develop sexual confidence! And that’s so much easier to do if you have a positive view of sex. That’s what The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex is all about, and if you just can’t embrace your sexual side, you do need it!
Now–what about that initiation thing?
Okay, once we’ve worked through all those roadblocks, if you do want help initiating sex, here are some great posts:
10 Tips for Initiating Sex
10 Ways to Signal “Yes” to Your Husband
10 Ways to Tell Your Husband What You Want in Bed
I also think that having a “prompt” for sex, so that you don’t have to propose something specific yourself, can lessen the tension but heighten the fun! And that’s why I’m a huge fan of the Ultimate Intimacy app. It’s a great app for couples that includes an awesome sex game, where you have romantic prompts, foreplay prompts, and hot and heavy prompts, but it also has a smorgasbord of positions you can try (while also setting different parameters of what you do or don’t want), information on how to make sex feel great, date night activities, and more. And it’s not gross. Not at all. It’s totally marriage friendly and marriage supportive!
See my full review of Ultimate Intimacy here. The free version is fun, but the paid version is only $8.99, and it unlocks the amazing game and positions features. So fun!
Sometimes we all need to develop some sexual confidence. Looking at your roadblocks can help. Understanding that God made you to be passionate and made you a sexual being is essential. And learning how to laugh and play together is fun!
But if God made something this great, don’t miss out on it! Step outside your comfort zone. You know sex is a good thing in your head; try to act that way, too. Your life can get a lot more fun!
Let me know: What’s the hardest part of initiating sex for you? Let’s talk in the comments!
Author
Social Media
Sheila's Best Posts
Books
Courses
Freebie
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 26 years and happily married for 21! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!
Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!
Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually. If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.
