Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 103
July 26, 2018
What’s Up with America’s Maternity Policy?
I travel throughout the U.S. a lot, I read American news, and I even have an American passport!
But there are few things that strike me as very, very odd. And one of those things is America’s maternity policy (or rather, their LACK of maternity leave.) Last week I came across a few news articles detailing the push for more maternity leave, and I thought, “Well, duh!”
It was only a few years ago that I even realized that in the U.S. you’re only guaranteed two weeks of paid leave after the birth of a baby, and 12 weeks of unpaid leave (is that really true?)
And maybe most Americans find that normal. But I thought today I would let you know how it works in Canada. I certainly don’t think America should emulate everything Canada does, and the point of this post is not “Canada is better!” For instance, I completely agree that Canadians don’t pull our weight militarily. Even though our troops are excellent (and my son-in-law is one of them!), we just don’t invest enough in our military because we know America will protect us. So I think both countries have much to learn from each other. And on this one issue, I find the debate a little bizarre. So here’s how it works in the Great White North, and I don’t see any reason Americans couldn’t do it as well.
When Rebecca was born 23 years ago, Canada had just moved to our one year parental leave policy.
Up until then, it had been six months I think (it’s hard for me to remember that far back). People pay into the employment insurance system (well, really unemployment insurance, but they call it “employment insurance” because it sounds nicer.) Once you’ve worked the equivalent of 600 hours either in the last year or since your last time using EI, you’re now eligible for EI benefits. Parental leave gives you 57% of your income, up to a certain maximum, for up to 52 weeks, providing you plan to return to work afterwards (it can be a different job, but you have to promise to be returning to work). Your employer must keep your job open for you. Either parent can take the leave, and you can also choose to split it. My cousin is self-employed, but her husband works for a hospital. So after she had her kids, her husband took some parental leave time so they could both be home and he could help out after her C-section.
What one Canadian family and marriage blogger makes of the American maternity-leave debate:Click To Tweet
Because I had been working as a research assistant in my grad school program when I had Rebecca, I had been contributing to EI. So I decided to take the year off, even though I could easily have just finished my degree. I put my scholarships on hold, and got a whole year to enjoy my baby before I finished my degree and did some more work as a research assistant.
With Katie I wasn’t eligible because I hadn’t been contributing into EI beforehand. However, Keith took two weeks off because he was eligible to take pat leave. So you are eligible for the leave EVEN IF your spouse is a stay-at-home parent.
Parental leave is not like welfare where the government just gives money. It comes out of the EI system, which is funded through employer and employee contributions. You pay into the system, so you’re eligible to take money out of the system when you need it. And Canadians, on a pretty bipartisan basis, have decided that mat leave (or pat leave) is a worthy cause.
We have a new rule now where you can stretch out that leave to 18 months if you want, but your benefits remain the same. So you don’t get more money; you just get lower payments for longer, and your job stays open for you.
Some employers will also top up maternity leave. I hear that Queen’s University, for instance, where my husband used to be employed, will top up to 100% of your salary if you agree to return to work at Queen’s (and if you don’t, then you have to pay the extra money back).
But isn’t that hard on employers?
To a certain extent of course it’s disruptive for employers. But here’s the thing: It is much easier to train someone else to take over a job they’ll be doing for a year than to get someone to fill in for four weeks or twelve weeks. If a new mom takes off for 10 weeks, as often happens in the U.S. I guess, then chances are their job won’t be filled. They’ll just rely on other employees to do extra work and cover during those 10 weeks, which leaves other employees kind of resentful of the new mom anyway.
This way someone actually has time to be trained and can actually fill in.
Yes, the employer portion of EI will be higher when you create a new benefit, to be sure. But it’s spread over all workers, not just women or women of child-bearing age, so there’s a large pool.
But isn’t it hard on people who do a job for a year and then have to leave it when the new mom comes back to work?
I suppose. But on the other hand, mat leave positions (that’s what we call them) are highly sought after. They’re only a year long, and often people have a year that they want to work before moving onto the next thing. My son-in-law Connor, for instance, was initially hired for a mat leave position as an accountant, which was fine with him because he just wanted to work for a year or two before going to grad school. He was looking for something temporary anyway.
I know other people who have taken mat leave positions because their spouse was finishing up school, and within a year they’d be moving to a different city. It’s hard to get an employer to hire you for just a year, but if there are mat leave positions–then that’s a win-win!
Mat leave positions give new employees a chance to get work experience
Mat leave positions are often great entry-level jobs, too. They give someone experience, because employers are often more willing to take a chance on an inexperienced or young employee because they know they can get rid of them a year later, rather than having them stuck on the payroll. So it’s a great way for a young person to get their foot in the door.
And if they do a good job? Chances are that employer will suddenly have another job “open up” to keep that employee. That’s what happened with Connor. Even though he was only hired for a mat leave position, within three months of working he was told that he had a permanent job because they liked him so much. They’ll still hire the original employee back, of course, but they also offered a new position to Connor.
Here's why Canada has year-long maternity leave--and why it doesn't actually hurt employers!Click To Tweet
I just simply cannot imagine having to leave my baby and go back to work when that baby is only 10 weeks old.
They’re not even on a schedule yet! They’re not sleeping through the night and you’re exhausted. You have to pump constantly to keep up your milk supply. And that baby is so, so tiny. It would be so difficult to hand them over to someone else to care for. I think a newborn really needs its mother.
I tend to be pretty conservative on most issues, especially fiscal ones. I totally agree that government debt is a huge issue. But family leave policy, to me, is a no brainer. Families need to be supported. Babies need their moms, and moms need their babies. Having parents who bond well with their babies is better for society as a whole. And we need to be making it easier for people to have kids, because demographically, we do need it.
So I hope that America can see this as a bipartisan issue where hopefully you can find some agreement. Because this stuff matters.
Did you ever have to return to work when you had a newborn? What was it like? And I know I have lots of Aussie and British readers, and I’d love it if you all chimed in, too. What are your family leave policies? Let’s talk in the comments!
(And, please, let’s not do a Democrat vs. Republican thing in the comments or make it all political, and certainly not about Trump. I just want to talk about the ISSUE of parental leave, okay? Let’s make it nice, not ugly! I’ll delete any derogatory comments about individual politicians or different political parties!)
UPDATE: I decided to check the numbers so we’d have something concrete to talk about (imagine that?). Anyway, in Canada, the employee contributes 1.63% of their income, and the employer contributes 2.28%. So the employer basically pays a tax of 2.28% on each employee’s pay. The maximum employer contribution is $1,170, and the maximum employee contribution is $836, but that’s only if the employee makes $52000 or more. If they make less, it’s not that much. So while it is a tax on employers, it’s not like it’s 20% or even 10%.
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 26 years and happily married for 21! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!
July 25, 2018
How to Reconnect Spiritually with Your Husband
We focus so much on making sure we marry good, Christian guys who share our faith, but how many spouses actually take time to foster a spiritual connection with that great Christian guy?
We’ve got a great post from Sophie Elise today on the blog with a new way of looking at couple devotional time. Love her idea of the tiny group!
Check it out:
Five years ago, I did something that led to a huge fight between my husband and me.
Our church was launching a small group book study initiative and I put our names down to join a small group without really discussing it with him first. Not only that, but I kind of put a check mark in the box beside our names that said we would be willing to host.
Having sealed our fate, I quietly returned to my seat in the sanctuary and promptly forgot about it.
A few weeks later, he approached me with a less than understanding look in his eyes. “I’ve just been informed,” he said in a measured tone. “That we will be hosting a small group this fall. I’m sure that’s a mistake, right?”
Oops. The ensuing argument was unpleasant, but after we’d worked through his concerns about having people over on a weekly basis, we went on to host the group—not just for that year, but for four years. These people, with whom we’d had no prior connection, became our family, an unshakable force of support and love through some of the most formative years of our lives.
Each summer, when our church asked if we would like to divide into multiple small groups, we were adamant that we remain together. Each of us felt that the bond we shared was unique and that we weren’t ready for a change in that season. Personally, I didn’t know what I would do without them.
I knew that my dependency on the group wasn’t necessarily healthy, but our meetings and fellowship were so life-giving that I refused to consider an alternative.
Then, one day last summer, my husband was preaching and the Spirit of the Lord came on me quite strongly.
He gave me a vision of our future that was, though startling to me, emblematic of exactly what we needed. He also gave me a clear first step He wanted me to take on the path to realizing that vision.
Let go of the small group.
My heart skipped a beat at the thought—how could He ask me to give up something I loved so much? It didn’t make sense to me, until He followed it up with His reasoning.
I want you to devote that time to connecting more deeply with your husband and me.
As soon as I heard this, I was convicted that this was the right thing to do. In fact, we’d only been in the car for a few minutes on our way home when I brought up the idea that we should replace our small group with a tiny group: just the two of us. He was surprised by the idea, but agreed to try it.
How to Reconnect Spiritually With Your Husband -->Click To Tweet
From then on, every Tuesday night became tiny group night.
We met in the family room after the younger kids were in bed and the older ones were settled in to watch a movie. We mostly followed the structure of our small group meetings, but we didn’t do a book study or discuss our pastor’s sermons.
Instead, we dug deep into fellowship, sharing our prayer requests and praying together freely.
One of the drawbacks of small group was that with eight to twelve people there, each person could share only a narrow sliver of their prayer requests and the amount of time we could spend praying was limited.
With a tiny group, no such issues arise. You have the space and time to share your innermost concerns, even if it takes a long conversation to unearth them. You feel free to pray as much or as little as you are able. Some nights, I was so tired that my husband did all of the praying, but, as we were united in spirit, I felt as deeply involved with our communion as though I’d prayed myself.
The Benefits of a Tiny Group
Please don’t get me wrong. I’m not suggesting that everyone should eschew their small groups in favour of one-on-one time with their spouses. Small groups are vital and have an important role to play in our lives. But for us, in the season we were in, our individual relationships with God and with each other required greater attention. I, for one, was leaning too heavily on the spirituality of my group while neglecting the foundations on which my spiritual practices should have been built.
If you’re in the same situation, you may find that starting a tiny group brings many benefits, chief among them:
Don't know how to reconnect spiritually? Try out the tiny group with your spouse!Click To Tweet
1. Deeper connection with your spouse
Setting aside a dedicated time to pray together each week keeps you abreast of both the major and the less significant matters of your spouse’s life and allows you to take an active role in them. This knowledge and participation draws you closer to each other, strengthening the bond you share.
2. Deeper connection to God
While our private communion times are still critical, there is something different about praying together regularly with your spouse. The Holy Spirit often just takes over and starts speaking to you through your spouse’s prayers—and even through your own—revealing new insights that had previously eluded you. The Lord takes delight in us when we gather in His name to pray and to support and encourage each other, and significant spiritual breakthroughs occur when you are faithful in this.
3. Setting an example for your kids
Our kids—by nature of their deep dependence on us—usually take precedence in our lives. Their needs get elevated above almost everything else in our lives and everyone else—God, spouse, self—gets whatever’s left over, which often isn’t much. Letting your kids know that there is a regular time each week when you’re going to put your relationship with your spouse and Jesus first sends an important message to them about priorities.
They realize that these other relationships are also important to us and that they require intentional nourishing to flourish. This is such an important lesson for them to learn as they grow in their own faith and toward the day when they’ll have marriages of their own to build.
Tips for a Successful Tiny Group
Here are some tips to keep in mind if you decide to try your own tiny group.
1. Meet whether you want to or not
Some days you’re not going to feel like meeting with your spouse. You might feel too tired, too stressed, or like you have nothing to discuss. Meet anyway. God will show up and reveal more in these meetings than you think He will.
One night, my husband and I had a fight right at the beginning of our meeting. I felt like it was a spiritual attack from the enemy, and I wanted to press on through it, but my husband felt like it was inauthentic to pray together while we were upset. I decided to go ahead and pray anyway, and we ended up praying our way clear through the fight and beyond it.
The Holy Spirit will do powerful things through you if you show up, but you have to show up.
2. Hold the date firm
It’s easy to cancel on your spouse. He’ll understand. But if you don’t hold the date firm, your tiny group will be over before it’s barely started. Hold that appointment in your calendar like it’s set in stone. If you absolutely must reschedule, do it for the nearest possible day.
3. Worship together
We find it immensely powerful to listen to and sing a couple of worship songs together before and after our meeting. It helps to set the time apart and transition our spirits into the sacred place where we can commune with God.
4. Keep your expectations low
As in anything else, setting your expectations too high is a surefire way to be disappointed. Don’t expect that every meeting will be transformational, that your spouse will perfectly understand you, or that every prayer will move a mountain.
Read how one couple reached new depths of spiritual intimacy by changing up how they met with God together:Click To Tweet
This is a long-term endeavour. Results will come from consistently showing up week after week, renewing your commitment to Jesus and your spouse, and opening your heart to the work of the Spirit in both of your lives.
This is where true transformation occurs.
What are some ways you spiritually reconnect with your husband? Have you ever tried anything like the Tiny Group? Leave your answers in the comments!
About Elyse
Sophie Elise is a writer, entrepreneur, and homeschool mom of four, passionately pursuing God’s rest. For more ideas on how to reconnect with your spouse, visit her website, My Cup Runs Over, and download her free guide 13 Ways to Reconnect with Your Spouse.
July 24, 2018
10 Tips to Help Your Daughter Recognize a “Good Guy” from a “Bad Guy”
Last week I shared my thoughts about that viral post “Men Prefer Debt Free Virgins without Tattoos“. One of the points I was making is that, ultimately, rules don’t tell you a thing about how someone will actually act in marriage. It all boils down to this: Do they really know Jesus? Do they really have good character?
I know a lot of people who could have ticked all the right boxes (was a virgin; went to church; went to a Christian college; didn’t swear) who were actually abusive, selfish, or lazy.
But character is a little bit harder to discern than simply whether or not someone follows the rules. So I asked on Facebook and Twitter for some advice on how you can tell whether or not someone has good character. And I thought I’d share ten of the responses today for Top 10 Tuesday!
How would you advise your teenage daughter to recognize a "good guy"? Not necessarily as a boyfriend, but as a friend? What should be the best signals?
Posted by To Love, Honor and Vacuum on Tuesday, July 10, 2018
You can know a guy is a “good guy” if:
1. He’s your friend
Always become friends first. That’s what my two girls do and have had a few really nice gentlemen in their lives.
2. He treats his mom/sisters well
How does he treat his mom or sisters? Other friends? Does he show manners and courteous behavior? Does he get caught up in gossip or locker room talk? Is he known as responsible or trustworthy? Is he the kind of guy you’d be ok with dating your bff/sister?
I like the question about whether you’d be okay with him dating your BFF! So often we can see flaws in our friends’ guys that we would actually tolerate in our own guys. That’s so wrong!
3. He treats kids well
How does he treat kids, and how do they respond to him? Children can be very intuitive when judging character. Also gives her an idea of what he will be like as a father if she wants to have children.
4. He’s the same around adults as he is around you
Jacob Denhollander (Rachael Denhollander’s husband) contributed this one:
Ask: is he the same person around adults as he is around his peers? People who “switch on” good behavior not because they believe it, but in order to manipulate, are very dangerous.
5. He serves in church, he doesn’t just go to church
Beware of guys who go to church to please you. Look for one who is faithful and SERVES. Listen to the way he speaks about his parents and yours when they’re not around. If he doesn’t respect the boundaries his parents and your parents set, he won’t respect yours.
10 tips to help your daughter recognize a guy with genuinely good character: Click To Tweet
6. He respects your ‘No’.
Yep! In fact someone even suggested saying no a few times to things just to see what his reaction is.
7. He’s comfortable learning something from you
Look for the humble guy. The guy who doesn’t have to be right or prove to anyone who he is. The guy that is comfortable in his own skin. The guy that is willing to be taught something he doesn’t know.
8. He doesn’t try to get outside validation
His actions line up with his words…. Not looking for approval from social media, peers.
Exactly. Does he stand strong on his own, or is he flighty, trying to get others to admire him?
9. He can admit his faults
Can he admit his faults and mistakes? Does he have reasonable expectations of himself and others? Is he understanding of those who struggle with issues he doesn’t? (Physical disabilities, mental health issues, etc.) Is he a person who forgives even if it takes effort?
Knowing the Bible isn't enough. 10 Tips to help our daughters recognize whether a guy truly has good character: Click To Tweet
10. He doesn’t try to change you
I like this list–but I think #3 is so important!
Here are five (of many): 1. He keeps his word. 2. He tells the truth – always. 3. He respects how God has ‘wired’ you and doesn’t try to change you. 4. He is an attentive listener. 5. He respects your boundaries.
I’d likely add a few more:
He doesn’t just read his Bible, he can actually talk about Bible stories, wrestle through some theology questions, and he has a favourite Bible verse (that isn’t just John 3:16). In other words, this is a guy who has to actually interact with Scripture and with God!
I’d also say–he isn’t an addictive personality. If he has a beer, or plays video games, it’s all in moderation and it isn’t impeding on other parts of his life.
And–and this is a huge one–he believes in working hard and supporting himself and a future family. He doesn’t slack off. He helps around the house. He doesn’t act entitled.
I’ve got a longer post on how to tell if a guy is marriage material, too!
Call Out these Character Signs to Your Kids
I think if we can have these conversations with our girls on an ongoing basis as they grow, we can help our girls make wise choices. If you’re watching a movie and a guy genuinely apologizes, talk to your daughter about how neat it is that the guy could admit his faults, and how important that was. If a guy helps clear the table, point that out. But if a guy (or an adult man) monopolizes the conversation or gets upset if you seem to know more than he does, show her that that’s a red flag.
Show your daughters whenever you see a red flag, so that she gets used to picking up on them, too. And then call out green flags whenever you see them. Let’s train our girls (and our boys, actually!) to recognize good character, so that they don’t end up choosing someone who ticks the right boxes, but who is actually quite horrible.
What do you think? Have any other red flags? Or some green flags? Let’s talk in the comments about how to raise our kids to recognize good people!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 26 years and happily married for 21! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!
July 23, 2018
Reader Question: How Can Singles Best Prepare for Sex in Marriage?
On Mondays I like to try to answer some reader questions. Lately I’ve been doing that through videos, but I had a 4-part question about singles and sex that I decided might be easier to do the traditional way, especially since I reached out to some other bloggers to get their input. So here we go:
1. Often times in the church women are taught to not think or talk about sexual things unless they are married. Assuming that singles are already preparing emotionally, financially and spiritually, how do you suggest singles prepare themselves for a physical/sexual relationship with their future spouse?
Deb Fileta from True Love Dates answers this one:
As a married woman as well as a professional counselor, I think one of the hardest parts about sex in marriage is dealing with the differences between our expectations of what sex looks like compared to the reality of what sex actually looks like in marriage. In my upcoming book, Choosing Marriage, I start the sex chapter by full fledged glimpse into a real life honeymoon story — my personal honeymoon story. The bottom line is that first-time sex in marriage was clumsy, awkward, hilarious, and not even close to how they portray it in the movies! It was a hot mess. Figuratively, and literally. But looking back, that night could have set the stage for some major disappointments, had I not been aware of “what to expect”.
I believe one of the most important things we can do to prepare for our future marriage and equip ourselves for a healthy sex life, is to begin by setting our expectations straight. Before I was married, I met regularly with a trusted mentor, and let me just say: I picked her brain about the reality of sex in marriage. Not what the movies tell you. Not what Hollywood tells you. But what it actually looks like in real life and in real relationships. My mentor helped me get my expectations straight about the joys and struggles that come with sex in marriage, and personally, I suggest every single woman find a godly woman they trust who can pour into their lives and answer the hard questions that sometimes go unasked. And if you don’t have a woman like that in your life right now, my friend Sheila’s book is a great place to start.
Deb has a great blog on getting ready for marriage at True Love Dates!
2. If masturbation is ok in marriage with consenting partners, can it also be ok for singles if they are not using pornography or fantasizing about someone? How can single women experience relief from sexual tension?
I asked Julie Sibert from Intimacy in Marriage to handle this one:
First of all, if you have given this a lot of thought and prayer and determined masturbation is not okay for you, then feel at peace with your decision. It’s a personal decision and you need to feel comfortable with your choices.
If, however, you want to explore masturbation as a way to relieve your sexual tension, then here are key guidelines:
Are you doing it alone? You can’t masturbate in the presence of another person. If you are single, your masturbation has to be a solo activity in private.
What is your thought life? This is probably the hurdle that some people won’t be able to clear. If the only way you can masturbate is either by fantasizing about someone else or looking at provocative material, then it’s not okay. In other words, you have to be able to stimulate yourself by focusing only on the sensation itself. You can’t be thinking about other people, whether they are real or imagined.
Could it become addictive? It’s one thing to bring yourself to climax every now and then to simply take off the sexual edge. It’s a completely different thing if you are choreographing your life around when you can masturbate or if you are constantly thinking about it. If you know you have an addictive personality or are prone to becoming obsessed about something, masturbation likely is not a good choice for you. Masturbation that leads to isolation is destructive. Also, if you are using masturbation to avoid other issues, then it’s probably hurting you more than helping you.
Do you also explore other ways to relieve your sexual tension? Masturbation can’t be your only way to relieve tension. You need balance. Make sure you are engaging in plenty of activities that have nothing to do with sex, such as spending quality time with friends, exercising, eating healthy, enjoying hobbies, and growing in your relationship with God.
By pondering on the above questions, you as a single woman will be able to decide if masturbation is a viable way to curb your sexual tension. Arrive at a decision that works for you!
Julie Sibert writes and speaks out of her own story, encouraging couples to nurture authentic sexual intimacy in marriage. She lives in Omaha, Nebraska, with her husband, two sons and a dog named Stella who is busy destroying the yard. You can follow Julie’s blog at Intimacy in Marriage.
And also, I have written more in detail about masturbation in marriage here.
How can singles best prepare for great sex in marriage? (we cover some great questions here!)Click To Tweet
3. What resources do you suggest for singles who are just curious in general about sex? I have always gone to marriage websites (like yours!), do you recommend this or would you suggest something different?
I’m going to take this one! I think it’s very important for every adult to thoroughly understand the reproductive system and how it works. I think too often we try to ignore all of “those parts” of our bodies because they seem X-rated or something. But it is so important to know what everything is, to know how to identify if something is wrong, to understand our own hormonal cycles, and to understand what the opposite gender’s body does, too. Even medical sites can help you with this!
I hate how we tend to say, “she had to go to the doctor with female problems,” as opposed to “she may have fibroids.” There is nothing wrong or embarrassing about the female reproductive system, and the more you understand about how all the different parts work, then the more you’ll instinctively understand a lot about sex.
You can also, of course, read The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex! It’s everything about how God created sex to be–physically, emotionally, and spiritually. It explains how sex works, how to make it great, and some of the problems that we often run into.
What's in The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex?
Billions of people have had sex.I don’t know how many have really made love.
And in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex–I teach you how to do exactly that. I show how God intended sex to be intimate in three ways: spiritually, emotionally, AND physically. And I show you how to get there, too!
If you’ve struggled with figuring out what all the fuss is about, or you feel held back in marriage because you just can’t embrace your sexual side, then check out The Good Girl’s Guide!
You were meant for more.
I would suggest waiting until you’re at least in a serious relationship before reading, just because you don’t want to think too deeply about something like this before it’s going to happen, but it is a great resource for engaged women (as well as for any married woman who just wants to understand it better!).
4. Do you have any other thoughts for abstinent women who are looking forward to marriage?
I think we’ve covered a lot of the sex parts. So let me turn to something else: I think the best thing a single person can do is to deal with their baggage. We all have some, even if we came from good families. We all have some negative thinking patterns that need to be defeated, or some shame that needs to be dispelled. We live in a fallen world.
I think the more work you can do now asking yourself things like, “how has my family of origin impacted my view of sex? My view of my body? My confidence in being able to state what I think or want?” Or things like, “what are my biggest fears? What are the roots of those fears? How can I take those fears to God and replace them with truth?”
The more we can look honestly at ourselves now and start breathing life and truth into areas of ourselves that may be dark, the better marriage (and sex!) is going to be.
I’ve also written quite a few posts on how to choose a good mate. You can find links to all of them here!
Anyone have any other advice for singles and getting ready for sex? Leave it in the comments!
July 20, 2018
Creating the Bedroom of Your Dreams–Even if Your Budget is a Nightmare
Once a month my good blogging buddy Kathi Lipp, from Clutter Free Academy, is going to be joining us (and I’m visiting her blog, too!). Kathi is so down-to-earth and so funny, and we actually know each other in real life, too. And today she brings some awesome advice for those of us with no budgets and lots of kids and chaos about how we can still create a peaceful bedroom.
Here’s Kathi:
When my husband and I were first married, we had four teenagers between us and had to make my husband’s house work for this new blended family. Four teens. Fourteen hundred square feet. You do the math. (Actually, don’t… it’s frightening.)
Our whole house was stacked to the ceiling with stuff.
And the worst room of all? Our master bedroom.
Not only was this where we slept, got dressed, and, let’s face it, escaped from the kids, this was also my office where I worked on my business and wrote books.
Let’s be clear: this room was not conducive to what newlyweds should be doing their first (or tenth) year of marriage.
And for any married couple, the bedroom needs to be a space where relaxation and connection happens.
When life overwhelms you, it is essential to have a place that feels like your little corner of the world. I knew all this. I just wasn’t being proactive in making it happen. And let me be honest — our bedroom stressed me out with all its clutter and chaos. And stress? Is not conducive to a great sex life.
Finally, after years of longing for an oasis but living in a pit, it was time to take action. But I didn’t have a lot of money to make that happen (see: four kids) so I couldn’t pull the favorite HGTV tricks like knocking out walls to “open up the space” or installing skylights to “bring in more natural light.” No, these projects had to stay in the tens of dollars, not tens of thousands.
Here are some ideas to reclaim your space and make your bedroom have the feel of a retreat instead of a rec center:
Ask your husband what is important to him (and know what is important to you.)
Roger and I made a list of what was important to each of us in the bedroom. For Roger, it was all about the pillows and texture of the sheets and comforter of the bed. For me, it was about how the room looked when I walked into it. The good news: we weren’t at odds about any decisions in the room, we just cared about different things.
Declutter the bedroom!
This is the most important piece of advice I could give to anyone wanting a more restful, relaxing space. Clutter is distraction. Clutter is the room’s anxiety leaking out. Start with surfaces and then move on to the hidden clutter hiding out in all your closets and drawers. If this step overwhelms you, check out our Facebook group Clutter Free Academy for a safe, loving and supportive place to battle your clutter.
Create a vision for your bedroom.
I am not a decorator at heart. I know what I like, but I don’t know how to put it together. That is why I like to look at magazines and go on Pinterest, not to be envious about other people’s perfect bedrooms, but to discover ideas and inspiration for my ideal bedroom.
Think about your five senses.
When we were redoing our bedroom, I kept the five senses in mind:
How did I want the room to look? I’m changing our room over from soft and serene to bright and cheerful. I asked Roger if the bright colors in the room would bother him. His response? “My eyes will be closed. I think I’ll be fine.” It’s also important to me that the room is clean, neat and picked up.
How did I want the room to smell? Roger and I both like the smell of lavender, so we decided that would be the signature scent in the room.
How did I want the room to feel? This is the part that is important to Roger, so we will spend the bulk of our budget to buy quality linens and pillows.
How did I want the room to sound? We want to have music available at all times, and have a way of cancelling out noise in our busy neighborhood. We have Alexa hanging out in our room and can have all the music we want, on demand.
(We decided to leave the “taste” sense to other rooms. Although we are not above having a bite of good chocolate in bed.)
Do the Daily in Your Bedroom
Why do so many of us love staying in hotels? Because the magic elves (i.e., hard working maids) come in and “reset” the room while we’ve been at our conference or the amusement park.
We can have that same feeling each and every day – no maids required.
Here are the 3 things I do every day to reset my room so it will greet me like a five-star hotel:
1. Pick up any towels or clothes off the floor and put away.
2. Make the bed. Making the bed tidies up 25% of your space just by pulling up some sheets and fluffing some pillows. And here is my list of how to make your bed the most comfortable place in the house.
3. Bus the room. We love to have water at night and coffee in the morning. But the cups left behind immediately give the room an “un-bussed table at a diner” feel.
Use what you have to decorate your bedroom
The previous owners of our house planted a pink rose bush in our front yard.
I’m embarrassed to say that until this year, I’ve never cut a bloom off of that bush. Why, oh why, did I ignore this source of free decorations for my bedroom until this year?
Now, at least once a week, I go outside and cut roses off and put them in a jelly jar in our bedroom.
The pink blooms next to the bed make me happy!
I also have some lavender and other herbs growing in my garden that brighten up my space. And it’s not just flowers. I had a tray that had been hanging out in my kitchen, unused, for way too long. I brought it into our bedroom to use for keeping my coffee on in the morning.
I also brought any art that had to do with love (like this fun “LOVE” sign we picked up in Alaska) into our bedroom to keep our focus on what the room is about.
I’ve gathered up any candles and displayed them in our room to give it the sweet, romantic feel that I long for in that space.
Finally, I have an oil diffuser that has just been sitting on my bed stand for a year. I finally got the bottle of Essential Oil connected with it and now, each night, we fall asleep to the faint scent of lavender in the room.
Look around. You may already have some of your favorite pieces that are just waiting to be repurposed.
Keep a list of next steps.
Once you have your vision, it’s time to make some decisions. Looking at the vision we created for our room, here was our list of next steps:
• New pillow for Roger ($40)
• Paint dresser ($20)
• Lamps for end tables
• Removable wallpaper on sliding closet doors ($100)
Your bedroom is not on Extreme Room Makeover and will not be transformed overnight. Make a list of the things you want to do and buy for your bedroom and knock those items out one at a time as money and time allow.
The main tip in creating the bedroom of your dreams is to just start thinking about it.
Once you start with some small steps to make the room a retreat, you won’t want to stop until it’s a place that both you and your husband can get away from everything but each other.
Looking to win the war of peace in your home? Join Kathi at the Clutter Free Academy Facebook Group to learn to live with less and increase the peace in your home.
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Kathi is a blogger, speaker, and author of 17 books. She inspires thousands of women each year to strip down their expectations and lives and live with real purpose. She and her husband Roger are the parents fo four young adults in San Jose, CA. When she's not dating her husband or hanging out with her puggle Jake, Kathi is speaking at retreats, conferences, and women's events across the US.
Find Kathi Here:Kathi's Website
Everything else Kathi has contributed to or written for To Love, Honor and Vacuum!
4 Ways to Win the Chore War with Your Husband
The Menopause Pep Talk You Actually Need
Top 10 Fun Ways to Surprise Your Husband!
Top 10 Truths About Clutter
Kathi has written several awesome books for women, including:Clutter Free
The Get Yourself Organized Project
Overwhelmed: How to Quiet the Chaos and Restore Your Sanity
July 19, 2018
I Didn’t Really Care if My Sons-in-Law Were Debt-Free, Tattoo-Free Virgins
I told them instead they had to marry guys who loved Jesus. And those two are not necessarily synonymous.
This week Lori Alexander’s article “Men Prefer Debt-Free Virgins without Tattoos” went viral.
Most people were absolutely appalled, and Phylicia Masonheimer countered it (and my daughter made a video!).
But I want to comment on just one thing. Others have talked about Lori Alexander’s abysmal view of women and how she doesn’t understand grace, and I want to find something new to add to the conversation, so I thought I would revisit this idea of virginity.
Based on the surveys that I did for my book The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, I know that around 70% of you reading this blog who identify as very serious Christians were not virgins when you married. I know even more of you had husbands who were not virgins. So the number of couples where both were virgins was really very small.
Now, is it a good idea to wait until you’re married to have sex? Yes, it is. It’s certainly what God wants, but I believe He wants that for our good, not because He’s just making a rule.
That being said, virginity is not the be all and end all. And, in fact, ultimately virginity means nothing. It’s just a pile of horse manure.
And if you don’t believe me, read Scripture, because that’s exactly what Paul says (although in the original Greek, “horse manure” would be even more explicit and gross.)
In Philippians 3, Paul, starting in verse 4, lists all his credentials for righteousness. He was a Pharisee of the Pharisees. He was born a Benjamite (that’s a good tribe!). He was zealous. He was blameless according to the law. He did absolutely everything right.
But then he says this:
But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. 8 What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ 9 and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith. 10 I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, 11 and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead.
That phrase–“I consider them garbage”–is better translated “a pile of dung”. All of the things that made him “righteous” are actually a pile of dung compared to what? Knowing Christ Jesus my Lord.
And that’s what I taught my girls. When you choose someone to marry, first and foremost, before everything else, choose someone who knows Jesus.
Because ultimately nothing else matters. And that’s why we need to change this conversation around virginity, as if we are born pure, but then we can mess up and never be pure again.
Purity, you see, is not something you can lose. Purity is something that you gain in Christ.
Purity is not something you can lose. Purity is something that you gain in Christ.Click To Tweet
We talk about virginity all wrong, as if you can make one mistake and now you’re no longer pure, and you’re second class, and no one will want you. That is simply not biblical. In fact, biblically it’s a pile of crap.
It is not virginity that makes us pure. It is our relationship and position in Christ.
I know a lot of virgins who are impure, and a lot of people with pasts who are pure. Paul would even say that those who have confidence in the flesh, as Lori Alexander seems to, aren’t pure because they don’t understand Jesus. And that’s really the point.
I’ve answered the question on the blog before about “is it wrong to want to marry a virgin?”, and I think if I were to answer that today I’d be even more adamant. We’re looking at the wrong thing. We’re focusing on past actions, rather than the present condition of someone’s heart. Ultimately what makes someone a good marriage partner is not what they’ve done in the past, but who is controlling their life now. If they are surrendered to Jesus, then they will love you. They will cherish you. They will honour you. They will walk with you, want the best for you, be a wonderful partner to you. But if they are simply focused on the external marks of righteousness, then you will never know real intimacy.
Ultimately what makes someone a good marriage partner is less about what is--or isn't--in their past, and more about who is controlling their life now. It's about knowing Jesus, not ticking boxes!Click To Tweet
Now, when you do marry someone with a past, there are challenges. You have to agree to put their past behind you, and to overcome any jealousy. That can be difficult, and I don’t mean to minimize it.
But I have read letter after letter on this blog from men and women in terrible marriages, and I can tell you this with confidence: the reason their marriages were terrible had nothing to do with their virginity or lack thereof when they married; their tattoos; or their debts. The reason their marriages were terrible was because someone was not acting like Jesus and someone was of bad character.
Lots of selfish, narcissistic people tick all the right boxes in church, but they don’t have love.
The boxes don’t matter. They are a pile of dung compared to knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. Let’s teach our kids how to recognize people who truly know Jesus, not how to run after virgins.
Side Note Number 1:
Here is a picture of Katie with David from July 16, 2017–exactly one year before Lori Alexander’s article came out, and about 15 minutes after David proposed:
And here’s a picture from their wedding:
Notice anything? Yep. That man has tattoos.
And the tattoos tell the story of his faith journey, and are a great opening in conversations for him with his military buddies.
Right now David is on an exercise in Nijmegen, the Netherlands. He was chosen to be among just a few hundred Canadian soldiers to participate in this march with thousands of other NATO troops. It’s an annual exercise, and it’s a great honour. They also visited the Canadian graves in France last week, and David was asked to give a speech at Vimy Ridge.
Two days ago Katie woke up to find this picture on the Canadian Forces Facebook Page, of the troops marching into Nijmegen. Look at who was chosen to carry our flag:
Yesterday my daughter Rebecca and my son-in-law Connor celebrated their third anniversary. Here they are at Rebecca’s university graduation (Lori Alexander says women shouldn’t go to secular universities, either. Whoops. Guess Rebecca messed up there, too!)
They’ve grown together so much in the last three years, and though Connor met Christ only about a year before they got engaged, he’s become such an integral part of their church in Ottawa. He’s on worship teams and drama teams. He starred in their Christmas play. He volunteers. He serves. He prays for his co-workers.
Oh, and he had student debt that the two of them paid off, too.
Nothing matters except real character, and real character only comes from knowing Jesus.
So how about we stop talking about criteria for marriage outside of knowing Jesus and having the fruit of that relationship? Because ultimately Jesus is all that matters.
And here’s Katie’s video response:
Neither of my girls followed Lori’s advice. But they did follow mine. And they’re all doing great.
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 26 years and happily married for 21! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
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July 18, 2018
Wifey Wednesday: What Boaty McBoatface Teaches Us about Marriage–and Sex!
On Sunday morning, before church, I was perusing the news and drinking my cup of tea when I laughed out loud, spitting the contents of my cup all over my monitor.
The news story came from Britain, and though what I am about to relate to you may not seem to have any relevance to marriage, bear with me, because I’m going to bring it back!
Anyway, Britain had decided to build a big polar research boat, that would travel north and drop its submersible into the water and do lots of serious, research-y stuff. In order to grow public awareness around this endeavour, they decided to solicit the public’s input into what this valiant vessel should be named.
That was the first mistake.
After much public input, it turns out that the name that the public preferred was Boaty McBoatface.
(This nugget of information is what elicited the spitting of my tea.)
The research community was aghast. The scientists were dismayed! How could we let the British public name such a serious vessel doing such serious work Boaty McBoatface?
And so they changed the name. Last weekend the RSS David Attenborough, named after the scientist, was launched.
“This is a serious science ship that required the name of a serious scientist,” Francis said, according to the Guardian. “Its name recognises all the love and esteem the British public holds for Sir David Attenborough.”
(They did, however, bow to public pressure and name the little submersible Boaty McBoatface).
And hence we have our second mistake.
I completely understand wanting to treat this vessel with seriousness. And it was likely the right decision, since we should be trying to fight against the dumbing down of society. But at the same time, I think they missed out on a great opportunity. Think of the publicity if they had kept the name Boaty McBoatface! Every single research finding would be reported, simply because newspapers and blogs would want an excuse to put “Boaty McBoatface” in the headline.
“Boaty McBoatface discovers the North Pole is cold.”
Nothing would be left by the wayside! And the reason is simple: People like to laugh. Laughter brings us together. All day on Sunday, at random intervals, Keith would whisper “Boaty McBoatface” and I’d start giggling hysterically (he really shouldn’t have done that during the sermon).
But, of course, these are serious things, and thus they must be treated like serious things. Right?
So let me ask you a question:
Could you be getting into a negative cycle in your marriage (especially with sex) because you’re just treating things a little too seriously?
When I read C.S. Lewis’ book The Four Loves, I came across this quotation that has always stuck with me:
Banish play and laughter from the marriage bed, and you might let in a false goddess.
Banish play and laughter from the marriage bed, and you might let in a false goddess. - C.S. LewisClick To Tweet
Sex is supposed to be funny! It doesn’t always work perfectly. We make funny faces. Sometimes we squeak!
Here’s what’s interesting, too: you can really only laugh with someone that you can truly be vulnerable with. When you can be your goofy self with someone, then chances are you can relax with that person. You can let your guard down. And, after all, your guard has to come down for sex to feel good! If you’re a woman who has trouble letting go of control in the bedroom, and still feel like you’re almost outside of yourself watching your every move or trying to coordinate your every move, then sex won’t work well.
We can treat sex too seriously in two ways: We can worry too much about it, or we can worship it.
First, we can worry about sex too much.
Last week featured a two-part series written by an anonymous reader who, after 26 years of marriage, finally figured out how to make sex feel good. Much of the problem that she had to overcome was that she had believed such negative things about sex. It began with messages of sexual shame in her childhood, and then messages that made her brain ignore feelings of sexual pleasure because she had to stay in control. Then, when sex didn’t feel good in marriage, all kinds of other negative messages of helplessness and hopelessness and bitterness and resentment came in to play.
It’s easy, natural, and normal to feel those things when sex isn’t working. But I also know that I have been in a negative spiral downward in my sex life for weeks, months, even years when I first got married. And I had nursed all those negative feelings which only made things worse.
When I changed my mindset, though, it only took one or two nights for everything to change. No, sex didn’t necessary feel great right off the bat. But when I stopped nursing the resentment because “sex is important and it’s supposed to feel good!” and started saying, “Okay, let’s just try this and see what happens because I love you, even if this is awkward,” then we found something important again.
We found laughter.
And laughter is what finally unlocked everything for me. I think this comes back to what Lewis was really saying:
We can treat sex far too seriously, and give it a position it doesn’t deserve.
We can make our sexuality the focal point of our life together, putting it in the place of emotional or spiritual intimacy. Then when sex doesn’t work well, it becomes this black hole that sucks everything else in.
One of my central messages on this blog is that sex is a vitally important part of marriage, and we should try to make it as good as we can. We should initiate sex. We should figure out what makes sex feel good for her. We should learn what feels good for him. We should be more adventurous in bed!
And I do believe that.
But we run the danger of making sex so much like work that we forget to just have fun!
What Lewis was getting at is that eros, or sexual love, on its own, without the other kinds of loves, can become empty. It can be something we start to worship for its own sake. But when eros joins with other parts of our relationship, including the friendship and goofy side, then eros takes its rightful place.
Sex doesn’t always need to feel super serious and super grown up. It’s okay to laugh, especially when you’re naked. And it’s okay if sex takes a while to figure out how to get right. It’s okay if it’s just a silly research project you do together (“do you like it when I do this? Whoops, all righty then, we won’t try that again! How about this?”) It’s okay if you stop aiming for a goal and just enjoy being together.
After all, maybe what we all need is a bit of Sexy McSexFace in our marriage.
Do you think we sometimes treat sex too seriously? How can we learn to laugh more? Let’s talk in the comments!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 26 years and happily married for 21! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
Are you ready to take your marriage to the next level?
Sign up for our emails and get access to the TLHV free marriage and parenting resource library. We have over 25 downloads and are constantly adding more. Sign up here!
The Best 31 Days of Your Marriage!
Read a few pages. Do what it says. Have incredible fun!
Learn to talk more, flirt more, and even explore more! You'll work on how to connect emotionally, spiritually, AND physically. And the ebook version is only $4.99!
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July 17, 2018
10 Suggestions for An Awesome Summer Reading List
As my email subscribers may know, a few Fridays ago I sent out an email with links to some posts about the problems my daughters and I have had with some Christian romance novels. Too often they’re so formulaic and so trite. I wish we could do better.
And I really have a problem with romanticizing the Amish.
But at the same time, I love a good book!
This post does contain affiliate links, which just means that if you purchase something I get a small commission. This is one of the ways we keep the website running and provide you with free content! Thanks for your support!
So I thought today I’d share some of my favourites, augmented with some suggestions from my weekly email subscribers who answered my request for some summer reading suggestions. (And remember–you can receive extra material when you subscribe to my free emails, too!).
To top things off, today is Amazon Prime day, which means there are some great deals happening on Amazon right now. We’ve had a Prime account for years, and just this week discovered you can stream all kinds of videos with Amazon Prime memberships, too, so we’ve been on a bit of an Amazon kick lately. (And if you don’t have Amazon Prime yet, now’s the time to get it!)
1. Try the classic mysteries: P.D. James and Agatha Christie
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I absolutely love mysteries, and P.D. James is one of my favourite authors. I love them not for the mystery itself, but often because I find the characters so intriguing. I absolutely adore Adam Dalgliesh, her main detective.
And then James broke with tradition and wrote Death Comes to Pemberley, a continuation of Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice which takes place a few years after Darcy and Elizabeth’s marriage. A great one for Austen and James fans!
And Agatha Christie can’t be beat, either. If you’ve never read her mysteries, you really should. They hearken back to a time when people just seemed more, well, classy. And I appreciate that.
2. My favourite modern writer who pulls at the heartstrings: Catherine Hyde Ryan
She doesn’t write romances. She writes about what community really is, and shows how, when we just choose to reach out to those in our midst, we make life bigger and more meaningful for everyone.
My favourite book of hers was Don’t Let Me Go, about a young girl whose mother is a drug addict, and is in danger of being taken by child protective services, until the misfits in her apartment building band together to make sure she’s cared for. And they find that sacrificing for each other heals their own wounds.
It’s not a Christian book, but it’s definitely a Christian message of love. And I found myself wishing that all communities could be like this. Check out her books.
Looking for some new books this summer? Check out this reading list of must-read books and authors!Click To Tweet
3. My favourite modern literature: The Help and The Friday Night Knitting Club
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If you haven’t read The Help, you need to. It is beautiful. It is like a more modern To Kill a Mockingbird (though nothing can ever quite compare to that).
And as a knitter who has belonged to knitting clubs, I loved The Friday Night Knitting Club, too. Neither are Christian books, and they’re not perfect. But I really enjoyed them.
4. My favourite Christian fiction: Lynn Austin and Randy Alcorn
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While I’m not a big fan of romances, I do really enjoy some Christian fiction. My two favourite authors would definitely be Austin and Alcorn, and from them, I’d say my favourites are Eve’s Daughters by Austen and the Deadline series by Alcorn.
5. My favourite historical Christian fiction: Brock & Boede Thoene and Francine Rivers
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Rivers’ Mark of the Lion series about life in Rome for the early Christians is just amazing. I really enjoyed it.
And the Thoenes have written several series about World War II, the founding of Israel, and even ancient Israel. If you haven’t read them, they’re worth it just so that you may understand more about history and its effects on the times we live in.
Looking for some good Christian fiction? Here are some pieces to add to your summer reading list:Click To Tweet
6. Try some books with strong female leads
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A number of historical books with strong female leads were mentioned, some fiction and some non-fiction. Here are some of our favourites: Lilac Girls, about the Ravensbrook concentration camp (where the ten Booms were as well, incidentally); War Brides by Helen Bryan, about the WWII aftermath; Hidden Figures, a nonfiction book covering the often forgotten black women at NASA who helped win the space race (I saw the movie recently and it was awesome!).
7. Feel At Home in Mitford
Many people mentioned the Mitford series, and I heartily agree!
What I love about the Jan Karon’s Mitford series is how quiet they are. They’re focused on an Anglican parish priest just trying to love those in his path, and they’re truly calming and inspirational. I get a similar feeling from them as I do from Catherine Ryan Hyde. I think they’re also good books to widen our horizons. If you’ve been part of the evangelical culture, it’s often hard to picture what “being Jesus’ hands and feet” looks like outside of the modern megachurch worship movement. But here it is, up close and personal, and it can be quite beautiful.
8. Try an intellectual turned fiction writer: Dorothy Sayers
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This summer I’ve decided to read all of Dorothy Sayers’ mysteries. I’ve been wanting to read Sayers‘ nonfiction for a while, but I thought I’d start with her fiction. She and C.S. Lewis were friends, and she had a big influence on him. And she was a great thinker at a time when
9. Read through some classics that have been on your “to-do” list
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I’m tackling Sayers this summer, but many readers talked about loving Austen or George MacDonald, or others. Several even mentioned getting through Tolkien or the Lord of the Rings series! If you’ve always wanted to tackle some, the summer is a great time. My favourite Austen book is actually Persuasion, though people often find Emma the easiest to start with.
As for Tolstoy, I got through Anna Karenina but couldn’t do War and Peace. I can’t stand Dickens (are you allowed to admit that?). And I’m not a big Bronte fan.
The one classic novel that has become my favourite book of all time: Uncle Tom’s Cabin. It’s so complex, it’s a great story, and it’s not really formulaic. The characters are really multi-faceted. And you’ll understand why “Uncle Tom” should never be used as an insult ever again (though it often is in political discourse, presumably by people who have never read the book!).
Looking to beef up your reading list this summer? Try finishing some of the books you've always wanted to read, but haven't yet.Click To Tweet
10. Try some memoirs!
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Here are just a few to get you going, all with very different “feels”:
Me, Myself and Bob: A memoir from Phil Vischer of Veggie Tales (for those of us who grew up with Veggie Tales)
Unbroken, by Laura Hildebrand, which recounts the harrowing yet inspiring story of a survivor of the Japanese POW camps (for historical and adventure buffs)
David McCullough‘s work is all amazing, including his work on John Adams. (for those who love American history).
Call the Midwife by Jennifer Worth, the books that the British TV series was based on. (for those who love British history, and books with strong female leads).
As Soon as I Fell, by Kay Bruner, an absolutely amazing memoir of a modern missionary who learned the hard way that her conception of God was far too works based. You’ll weep with her as she learns about grace. (seriously, any Christian woman can benefit from Kay’s journey here!)
So those are my suggestions, with some help from my email subscribers who gave me their thoughts! I’d love to hear your thoughts, too. Leave them in the comments!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 26 years and happily married for 21! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
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July 16, 2018
Reader Question: Can Dating Long Distance Work?
On Mondays I like to take a reader question and try to answer it, and lately I’ve been doing things a little bit differently. We’ve been answering our reader questions via video! Here’s this week’s long distance relationship question, which I had my daughters help me with:
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 years long distance. We see each other a couple times a year and plan on getting married one day in the future. I am a freshmen in college and he is working full time , various people had told us that in order for us to get to know each other more I would have to move to Texas to be closer to him. The thing is that if I do then I would have to pay out of state tuition while I’m actually getting a full ride scholarship in my home state. Also, he wants to propose with both sides of our family watching; we really want to take the next step in our relationship but don’t really know how to or where to begin, how do plan a long distance wedding & how do you make this relationship easier and less stressful?
Great question! Katie got married in February after a year of dating long distance, and Rebecca has seen many of her friends date long distance, so I thought this was a good one for us to tackle when we were all together (I really didn’t want to tackle one of the sex questions with my daughters! 
July 13, 2018
Finally Reaching Orgasm Part 2: How One Reader Had a Breakthrough
Yesterday I shared the first half of a post that a reader sent me (who wishes to remain anonymous) about her journey to figure out what sex was meant to be. She talked about her frustration with all the typical advice and when her breakthrough really happened.
And today she’s getting into the practical things she did that helped. It’s a long one today, but it’s important. Here we go:
It had been 26 years of sexual failure and I was at an all time low.
I was frustrated with sex. I felt like I was the only one who was a failure at it. I was angry at God because He had chosen to make me broken. I wanted to know what I had done to Him to deserve this. I was angry and jealous of my husband because he liked sex. He got everything out of it and I got nothing. Never mind hard to orgasm I felt NOTHING from beginning to end, it didn’t matter what I did physically or mentally that never changed. It was so bad that every time my husband saw me I was crying or angry.
In desperation I remembered years ago reading a blog about sex and so went to see if I could find it. I found Sheila’s blog around eight months ago and I secretly bought The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex and read it over a couple of days. I was ASTONISHED to discover that I had this sex thing all wrong from the beginning. A seed of hope had been planted. As it sprouted hope once again was birthed but I was too afraid to water it as I had already been down that path numerous times and been disappointed.
I took time to really soak in the heart of Sheila’s message that sex is not about genitals and we had plenty of missing ingredients in our marriage, and as a result were in survival mode. It’s about the hearts of two people. It’s about emotional intimacy. That meant I had to get real with my husband. I had to be honest and say what it was really like for me. That was an extremely difficult conversation to have. The most amazing thing was that it was so liberating. This shameful secret was now out in the open and no longer had the power to hold me captive.
I spent hours surfing To Love, Honor and Vacuum and some other Christian women sex blogs about orgasm. I wanted good sound advice. I needed a new foundation. I became afraid that I had missed the boat because I was now post menopausal and every where I read that sexual satisfaction is almost zero. My goal was pleasure and orgasm. I would be happy and so would my husband. By now sex had become all about me and causing my husband anxiety and the ripple effect of that was causing problems in his own sexual performance.
I bought Sheila’s book 31 Days to great Sex. My husband was such a trooper. Every day we would read and try out things, but I was still struggling. The old resentment was coming back. Why bother with all this stuff? It’s getting better for him. What about me? I would have a nice feeling on an erogenous zone for two seconds and it would disappear and the old familiar deadness would return. We persevered but when I got to the day about orgasm for her and how to get there, I hid the book away. I just could not face that task. Arousal was still a problem and here Sheila was encouraging orgasm. I felt like I was back at square one. Where to next?
Replacing the Lies with Truth
Scripture gave me three mandates: First I needed to find the truth because knowing the TRUTH will set me free to experience the fullness of the gift God had blessed marriage with, secondly I knew I needed to take every thought captive and third but equally important I needed to think on GOOD things and my thoughts were not good about sex. I knew from reading Switch on Your Brain that I needed to find the truth. I needed something concrete to confront the lies in my thinking.
Confront your mental baggage and the causes of dysfunction
I needed help. I found a this great book: The Elusive Orgasm by Vivienne Cass PhD. Vivienne is a sexual therapist and her book was an amazing read. I learnt about five main types of orgasm difficulty’s and the twenty five causes of those difficulty’s. Each chapter gave me a key to unlock and set me free from the bondage of guilt, shame, frustration and anger. It was like she was reading my secret thoughts, my heart ache, she knew all about my dashed hopes and empty body and it was really alright. I felt safe. I felt like here was somebody who truly understood the emptiness of sex and not only that, she assured me it would be okay. The book ends with great practical advice for you as a woman and for you and your spouse.
Here are a couple to get you started:
I don’t have the time for this it takes too long. WRONG. You are having sex so make the time to hyper focus, it’s time to break the vicious cycle and retrain your brain to acknowledge what your body is automatically feeling..
Orgasm is the Goal. WRONG. The goal of sexuality is INTIMACY. It’s about enjoying one another wholeheartedly.
Sexual feelings are a bit like a tropical flower. They need tender loving care if they’re to blossom. Being relaxed (and awake) is an important ingredient in our sexual blossoming. – Vivienne Cass PhD. (Page 57 The Elusive Orgasm)
Confront your Church and Social Cultural Foundations
I did not realise the implications of my cultural perceptions of sex. Some of these were subtly taught and some were taught at school and at church.
Remain pure until marriage – the Purity Culture have had an enormously negative impact on woman’s healthy sexual perceptions.
Woman must remain pure (Men are the sexual ones) – Culture made abstinence (which involved any and all types of sexuality) solely my responsibility when in fact it is both a man and a woman’s responsibility. We are both created with a sexual side, that is healthy and God given.
Avoid All Sexual Discovery – Sexual discovery is normal and healthy part of growing up and is not sinful, lust is. I had to now own my sexuality and start learning about it.
It’s the Man’s job to pursue – It’s his responsibility to make me feel good and bring us to orgasm. We learn this from the romance movies, the two minute sex scenes from Hollywood and the erotica we read in our romance novels. I discovered that I had trained my brain that is what sex is and did not realise that it had a similar effect on our brains that pornography has. We learn arousal from an image not a person.
Orgasm is the Goal – Being goal focused means always thinking ahead and what should or maybe. You need to live and feel in the now. To become FULLY PRESENT in order to become aware of what’s happening right now and to enjoy what is happening. That is the only way to start building positive moments, and it’s building one small moment on the next through each encounter that retrains your brain to anticipate and enjoy touch, and this in turn builds sexual arousal and pleasure.
Sex is Genitals and Orgasms – Sexuality encompasses so much more. When we focus on genital stimulation and orgasms it’s like trying to drive a parked car starting in fourth gear. Sex is the way we look at our spouse, it’s the gentle hug that says you’re important to me, it’s breathing in one another’s scent, holding hands. This is the first step, this is where sex starts for all of us. My husband was just as surprised when I passed on this information I was learning through reading Rekindling Desire. Just as a manual car has five gears the author compares physical touch in relationships to each gear and it’s by reclaiming the basics, the joy and thrill of him holding my hand that restarts the car engine after it stalls, after all I don’t hold hands with just any man I only hold his!
Confront Sexual Shame – Break the Cycle
I was trapped in the cycle of no sexual feelings. My sexual response had become cut off because I was dissociated to what was going on in my body. I finally realized that this bad habit started way back when I was discovering my sexuality. The purity culture taught me it was ALL my responsibility and I was not to be sexual. Some of the sexual shame I had to confront with truth were:
I was afraid I may get pregnant
Sex is a sin, sex will make me impure.
I need to be constantly on alert to what was happening because I was responsible. If we went too far I’d be called a slut or give this guy the idea it was ok to go all the way
I had to watch how I dressed because it is my responsibility to make sure men do not lust. Confronting this has given me the freedom to enjoy beautiful clothing.
Sexual attraction before marriage is wrong
Looking back I now realize that during moments of sexual discovery I was only vaguely aware of my body because I had disconnected my mind from my physical response in order to be on alert, I needed to make sure that I was not leading this guy too far and I needed to detect if anyone else was around and to keep from being caught. I now know that I had conditioned my mind to be disconnected from my body and carried that into my marriage and then over the last 30 years reinforced this bad habit. I went into marriage knowing it was ok to have sex but I did not know how to reconnect my mind to feel what was happening in my body.
I went into marriage knowing it was ok to have sex but I did not know how to reconnect my mind to feel what was happening in my body.'' One woman's story of how, after decades of marriage, she finally had a breakthrough:Click To Tweet
Practically Speaking
I had to face the fact that there is no pill that will change my negative thinking and bad attitude. There is no short cut to remove my feelings of resentment or a special device to magically fix my sexual habits. I need to own that. It’s my responsibility. Not my spouse. Not God. Me. It’s MY responsibility, and I need to make the changes MYSELF for myself.
1. Start by Being Honest with Your Mate
Sexuality is both a team and individual sport. In a gentle manner ask him to help you learn and commit to working towards what it can be. Most of us woman learn sexual technique from our husbands. We expect them to know what to do, because culturally it’s expected. However we are not men–our bodies are different. Men in general tend to use a rhythm/method with us based upon their own personal experience, and when it doesn’t work, we assume we are broken. This is simply not true. Different is not the same as broken. These differences give a fullness and expression to intimacy that is simply not possible without acknowledging that.
2. Give Yourself Permission to Feel
Tell your brain he is touching you and you want to feel the goodness of his touch. As woman we run away in our heads from our bodies when sex doesn’t work because it feels safer, but in essence we are disconnecting our brains from our bodies. The thing is our bodies know what to do, we need to learn to connect our brains to our bodies to feel what is really going on.
3. Give Your Sexual Needs and Feelings a Place
It is so easy to start making changes and then forget to keep them up. Old habits die hard. It only takes one or two days of loosing sight of your thought and you’ll be back to where you started. Prioritise working on regaining what has been lost to you. You need a minimum of three sessions a week to break the old cycle and build a new one.
4. Understand That Sex is Not a Spectator Sport
If you treat sex like a spectator sport, forget it–nothing works. Your brain needs to be involved. And it needs multiple levels of involvement. When you spectate you disconnect and begin critiquing and that kills feeling. Spectating is the opposite of being present and will undo all the healing in your journey. When you find yourself spectating grab your mind and focus. My habit was so bad I had to HYPER FOCUS on what was happening in order to be present. I had to ask my spouse to not speak to me at all during our encounters because it was too distracting. I needed all my focused attention to make my brain be aware in order to feel what was happening.
If sex is 'ho hum' in your marriage, you CAN reclaim it! Here's one woman's story of how she had a breakthrough after 26 years of marriage:Click To Tweet
6. Have a Biology Lesson
For most of us sex education consisted mainly of reproductive biology. However our sexual biology is very different from reproductive biology. Our sexuality was so important to God that he separated out our reproductive and sexual anatomy and made them to complement each other. I was rather surprised to learn about just how complex (can you imagine 8,000 nerve endings with the sole purpose of giving a woman pleasure!) the clitoris and is far more complex and encompassing than simply a little nob that needs the right rubbing.
7. Learn to Enjoy Non-Demand Touch
In essence this is any physical contact that brings pleasure without the demand for intercourse. Ask your husband to do three things: (1) Slow down his touch and his rhythm, (2) lighten, the pressure of his touch, and (3) take longer. Investing in non sexual touch is the KEY to reawaken your mind to the sexual pleasure your body feels, loves and craves and you need to feel and acknowledge in your brain. We were both surprised at the places that felt good to touch.
8. Confront and Get Rid of Sexual Guilt
Guilt and Orgasms do not go together if you have one you will not have the other. The truth is it’s time for me to enjoy my sexuality. I don’t have to feel guilt or shame and it’s okay for me to enjoy myself. God has given me this gift of pleasure to enjoy and I can do so guilt free. After all no gift should ever make the receiver feel guilty.
9. Stop Being Lazy
Jumping into sex at the end of the day or start for that matter by going straight to heavy petting and directly to genital stimulation (other than for a fun quickie) is LAZY. Sex is more than that; it’s an intimate physical conversation between you and your spouse. It’s about taking the time to say this is how much I love you and only you. You are the centre of my world and I appreciate all this about you. A word of caution this discovery takes time and oh my does it provide great benefits to both of you. Men too need to learn the benefits of receiving prolonged touch. Our culture teaches them to prime us for sex so they are unaware of just how much touch they too need. (We’ve both learnt things about each others pleasure that we had no idea existed even after nearly 30 years of a sexual relationship together!)
10. Coach yourself mentally.
Tell your brain he is touching you and you want to feel the goodness of his touch. As woman we tend to run away in our heads disconnecting from our bodies when sex doesn’t work. In essence we are disconnecting our brains from our bodies. The thing is our bodies know what to do, we however need to learn to connect our brains to our bodies in order to feel what is really going on. When I first started learning to feel I had to ask my husband not to talk because it took every ounce of my will to focus my brain and keep it in the game. It was hard work that took months of practise but slowly, ever so slowly the feelings came, at first they teased and flitted past but eventually they came and stayed. In the beginning those feelings would only appear for a second or two before disappearing. This is NOT a quick fix you will need to persevere because you have spent years training your brain to disconnect and it would rather follow the well trod path than forge a new one but I do promise that gradually your brain will learn how to catch those feelings and press into them.
11. Physical Response to Touch Takes Time to Learn
LEAN into what you feel with your mind. Think of it like the ripples in a pond when a pebble is tossed into it. Every nerve in your body is interconnected and is able to share positive feelings. This takes practise. Concentrate on the nice feeling and allow it to spread. Don’t expect to feel all over your body instantly.
Practical tips on how to have an orgasm for wives who find sex bland or disappointing: Click To Tweet
12. Relax and allow your husband to touch you
This one sounds strange, I know. I was so wound up about not liking sex that every time my spouse touched me I would get so annoyed because I didn’t get anything out of it. A few months into my sexual reawakening I made a decision to relax and not fight him about where he wanted to touch me any longer. I had only one tiny area on my body that was not negotiable for me. It took a lot of practise to relax and train myself that this was okay and good. One day I was so very surprised to learn after a few weeks that wow I loved his touch on me and the most surprising aspect was that the places I enjoy having touched used to be the ‘banned’ areas from before… (Needless to say my husband is pleased too because he may touch and there are no more arguments over where his hands wonder 
