Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 105
June 26, 2018
Top 10 Things Higher Libido Wives Need to Know
This week here on the blog I’m talking to wives with a higher libido than their husbands. Yesterday and today I want to address the situation where she has a higher libido than he does, but there’s nothing ugly causing it. It’s just a normal difference! Yesterday J from Hot, Holy and Humorous started us out, and today I want to continue that conversation with 10 things that higher libido wives need to know.
Then for the rest of the week we’re going to switch gears a bit and look at marriages where she has the higher libido–but only because he doesn’t seem to want sex at all, and we’ll look at three potential causes of that.
But first, let’s turn to the woman who simply has a high libido. If that’s you, you’re likely feeling a little bit like a freak. In popular culture, we hear how men need sex, and women don’t have the same urge for it. But that’s not how you experience it! Rest assured that you are not alone. When I give my sex talk, one of the questions in the Q&A period is inevitably from a wife with a high libido, wondering how to handle the frustration. So let’s look at 10 things for you to know!
1. Higher libido wives are actually quite common
When I wrote The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, I surveyed several thousand women and about 1000 men, and I found that 24% of wives had higher sex drives than their husbands. I would think that the average may even be a little higher now, five years later. It seems like men’s libidos are going down.
So it’s not unusual at all for the woman to have the higher sex drive!
2. Women can be visually stimulated too–and many are
We often hear that men are visually stimulated, and women aren’t. And it is true that in studies of sexual arousal, in general different parts of men’s brains light up vs. women’s brains. In one study that I read from The Archives of Sexual Behavior, researchers found that women tended to react more to contextual elements of erotic stimuli (like where she was looking or what clothing she had on) whereas men tended to look at, well, more body parts. And women preferred stimulation that involved the same people in different situations, whereas men wanted all new people. (Not condoning this type of study, of course, just presenting what they found.)
Nevertheless, women did respond to sexual stimuli in this study and in many others. We aren’t ONLY turned on by romantic stories or by relationships. Women do like a guy with 6-pack abs, too, even if women are more likely to consider other factors as well when deciding if someone is “sexy” or not.
3. Women’s sex drives are heavily influenced by culture
Another recent study found that while men tend to have higher libidos than women across almost all cultures, the variability of women’s sex drives was really high. In other words, while men on the whole had higher sex drives, in some cultures the difference between men and women was quite small, and in some it was quite large.
In general, cultures where women are seen as valued and equal to men tended to have women with higher sex drives.
And here’s something else: cultures where there’s lots of sexual shame or sexual guilt ascribed to women tend to have women with much lower sex drives. Cultures where sex is seen as something “dirty” for women don’t tend to produce women with high sex drives. It’s no wonder that many women in our culture, then, do struggle with sex, especially if they grow up with a purity culture that has really negative messages about sex (and why I’m a big proponent in teaching everybody that sex is meant for marriage, but doing that in such a way that doesn’t shame anyone for sexual feelings).
4. The high libido wife may actually be what was intended and designed
If women’s sex drives are highly influenced by culture, and if it looks like shame messages and lack of education can depress women’s sex drives, then maybe it’s worth considering if the high drive wife is actually what was intended? I think God created us to enjoy sex and to yearn for a great sexual relationship in marriage. The fact that so many women don’t experience that, have trouble reaching orgasm, and don’t desire sex at all doesn’t look like it was something that God intended. That looks like it’s more the result of the fall, where sin entered the world and brought shame and relational distance where these were never meant to be.
After all, which looks more like God’s design: A marriage where she really yearns for her husband and enjoys sex, or a marriage where she struggles to get in the mood? Likely the first, right? Just because it may be more frequent for women to find sex boring or to have low libidos does not mean that this is what is normal or that this is what was intended. I think the high drive wife is closer to God’s design, so don’t feel like you’re a freak!
5. If he has a lower libido than you, it doesn’t mean there’s necessarily anything wrong with him
Here’s another bit of good news: Like J shared yesterday in her post about higher drive wives, her husband has a lower libido, but he’s not gay, he’s not into porn, he doesn’t chronically masturbate, nothing like that. Just like libido is on a spectrum for women, it’s on a spectrum for men, too. And it could simply be that he’s perfectly normal and healthy, but his libido is simply lower than yours.
While in many cases there is a more nefarious cause for his low libido, this isn’t necessarily the case. While I’ll be talking about some of those reasons for the rest of the week, know that many guys just don’t want sex all that frequently, and that’s really okay.
Could 31 Days to Great Sex Revitalize Your Sex Life?
If your husband rarely wants sex, and you don’t want to keep bringing it up, sometimes having an external prompt can help!That’s where 31 Days to Great Sex comes in. It’s a challenge that you do together. Every night you read 2-4 pages, and then you do what it says. Sometimes it’s sexy, sure, but it’s also about learning how to talk about different libidos, talking about the importance of affection, starting new habits, and more!
It may just what your marriage needs.
6. Being the higher libido wife opens you up to sexual temptations
If you’re the spouse with the higher libido, it’s almost inevitable that you’ll feel sexually frustrated. In those moments, it’s easy to think that porn, or erotica, or masturbation will be better than dealing with the frustration. If you can deal with your sexual feelings elsewhere, too, then perhaps you won’t be so angry at your spouse. It can even seem like the loving thing to do!
But it’s not. It will change the way that you see intimacy, and can even cause you to have to fantasize in order to reach orgasm. It changes your sexual arousal patterns. And it’s simply wrong to get aroused by anyone other than your husband.
7. You can channel sexual energy elsewhere
What, then, do you do with sexual frustration? You honestly can channel that energy elsewhere. If you have something else to focus on that takes your attention, that you find interesting and absorbing, you likely won’t find the frustration as difficult to bear. Start exercising to get rid of some energy. Develop a new hobby that engages your brain, or something that engages your body, like gardening or redecorating. The main thing, though, is that it absorbs your thoughts and attention. The worst thing is to sit at home with nothing to do when you’re frustrated. When you have a plan, all is easier to manage.
8. You may have to do more of the work for sex
We typically believe that sex is about us arousing him–he looks at us, he desires us, and so the husband initiates sex. Then sex becomes something in which he tends to be far more active than she is. In your case, you may have to reverse roles a bit. You may have to do more of the initiating. You may have to be more active.
Many lower-drive husbands have said that it isn’t that hard for their wives to get them in the mood, but if she’s waiting for him to initiate, she may be waiting a long time. While it’s important to be romanced and desired, and while he has to understand that, it doesn’t make sex “wrong” if you do more of the initiating.
9. Watch how you talk about sex with your spouse
Sexual frustration can lead to some difficult conversations, and some hurtful words that you may not have meant to say. When you feel undesired and unloved, sometimes it’s difficult not to lash out.
Here are just a few things to remember. We are called to love our husbands, and being hurtful is always wrong. Also, his sex drive, even if it’s lower than normal, is still largely tied to his identity as a man. If you berate him for not acting like a man, you could also make things worse. Finally, when someone doesn’t have a great physical need for sex, talking about your own physical drive may not compute. It’s often better to talk about big picture goals for your marriage, which can lead to an agreement to schedule sex, or at least to understand why you do want to be pursued.
Want a better way to talk about sex if you’re the higher libido wife? Here’s my guide to communicating your needs.
10. Rediscover emotional and spiritual intimacy with your husband
Finally, if you’re not connecting sexually as often as you’d like, often the temptation will be to pull away emotionally as well, because being around him intensifies the feeling of rejection. As much as possible, resist that. Work on your friendship instead. Use my conversation starters for couples, or find a new hobby to do together. When you grow your friendship, or when you start praying together more, you bring down the tension level in the relationship. You feel closer. And that makes it easier to talk about some of these bigger issues, and it also makes it more likely that he’ll want to have sex more, too!
Other posts in this series:
When SHE Has the Higher Sex Drive
Are you the higher drive wife? What’s the hardest thing for you to deal with? Let’s talk in the comments!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 26 years and happily married for 21! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.Find Sheila Here:YouTube
Sheila's Favorite Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
10 ways to initiate sex
10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Marriage, & Sex Life
Why So Much Marriage Advice is So Trite
How can Sex be Hot and Holy at the Same Time?
Check out some of Sheila's Books:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex
31 Days to Great Sex
9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum
Check out Sheila's Courses:
The Boost Your Libido Course
The Whole Story: Talking to Your Daughter about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up
The FREE Emotional Intimacy E-Course
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Does Your Sex Life Need a Pick-Me-Up?
Maybe it's gotten stale. Maybe it's never felt that great. Or maybe you just feel like you're missing something!
June 25, 2018
When SHE Has the Higher Sex Drive
Nope.
Sometimes it’s SHE who wants sex far more frequently, and this week we’re going to talk about that! Here’s the funny thing about talking about “higher sex drives” and “lower sex drives”. It’s all relative. What might be high for one person may not for another. It’s the relationship dynamic. So I want to spend two days looking not really at highER drive wives, but simply at HIGH drive wives. Do you get the difference? Wives who have a high sex drive when there’s nothing really bad going on with the husband. Nothing’s wrong with him; this is just how you both ARE. Then I want to spend three days looking at some of the things that may be causing his lower sex drive–if there is a problem (and there honestly isn’t always a problem at all!)
We’re going to jump into this with the amazing J from Hot, Holy and Humorous. She writes great things about sex, and she’s here to talk to us from the high drive wife perspective.
I am the higher-drive spouse. Without a doubt.
It’s not always been this way. We were equally matched when first married, and I had next to no drive after the births of my children. But for at least the last decade, I’ve been the spouse who cares more about making sex happen regularly and passionately.
And it’s not because he’s into porn — my husband isn’t and never has been. He isn’t having an affair. He’s not facing arousal or erectile dysfunction. He is 100% heterosexual. We have a great marriage. And while he does have diabetes, which can be a challenge, that condition hasn’t affected his sexual interest as much as his in-the-moment physical ability to engage.
So why doesn’t a healthy man with a gorgeous wife — hey, his words, not mine! 
June 22, 2018
The Chore War: 4 Steps to Stop Arguing with Your Husband and Get Stuff Done
One of the best parts about blogging is that I meet some amazing other bloggers. And Kathi Lipp is one of them. She and her amazing red hair caught my eye at a MOPS convention years ago, and since then we’ve been buddies. I’ve been on her podcast talking about sex; she’s guest posted here.
Kathi and I are each passionate about marriage, but lately Kathi’s been focusing on the basics: How to get your life more organized and how to live clutter free. She and I were talking about how much we’d enjoy guest posting for each other, so we’ve decided that once a month she’ll write for me, and I’ll write for her! So I’ve asked her to write some posts on organizing and clutter with a marriage angle. And here’s her June installment on winning the chore war! (For the record, I relate to #3 all too well):
I went from hurt, to stewing, to fiery mad.
(Trust me, that is not something you want to see on a redhead.)
It was another Saturday and instead of spending the day cleaning house, (which it desperately needed) my husband wanted to head for the mountains. Not to get out of housework, but to take a day off.
My mind raced:
“Great. He’s going to leave me to do all the work when we get back.”
“How selfish. Doesn’t he see everything that needs to be done?”
This was in the first year of our marriage. Since then, I’ve learned some key facts about my husband:
He doesn’t want me to do all the work. He just doesn’t want to spend his one real day off doing household chores every week.
No. He honestly doesn’t see all that I see that needs to be done. But when it’s pointed out, he’s usually more than willing to help.
But this took me way too many years to figure out. Too many years and too many fights. As I’ve spent years working with families when it comes to cleaning out the clutter and getting organized, I’ve learned a few key principles to help deal with chores when it comes to couples:
1. Have “The Talk”
For years, after dinner, I would unload and load the dishwasher.
I hate loading and unloading the dishwasher.
I really, really hate it.
I would rather do three loads of laundry than load and unload the dishes just once.
But every night I did them because I was trying to be a nice wife. So Roger would put food away after dinner, clean counter tops, etc. to get our kitchen back into shape and I would silently, and sometimes with a great deal of hostility, do the dishes.
One night, after a really busy day at work packed with meetings and tension, I was just over it. I told Roger, “I will give you a thousand dollars to do the dishes. I will clean the kitchen from top to bottom, but please, please, don’t make me do dishes. I will snap.”
His answer stunned me. Roger said, “Sure, I don’t mind doing dishes. I hate cleaning up the kitchen, but I don’t mind doing dishes at all. In fact, you do them wrong, so I would love to be able to do them correctly every night.”
He was joking… kinda…
For years we were doing jobs we hated, simply because we’d never had a discussion about what we like (or don’t mind) doing.
So have the talk. Ask your spouse what chores they don’t mind, or even enjoy, doing. Turns out, Roger loves a freshly vacuumed carpet enough that he has taken to making sure our living room is “Roomba-ready” (everything is off the floor, no curtain strings etc. will get caught in its path…) every night. One less chore for me.
He also has become an expert at folding a fitted sheet. (He regrets ever watching that Youtube video. He is now in charge of folding all the sheets.) I don’t mind doing the grocery shopping, general cleaning, running errands, cooking or doing laundry. And he doesn’t mind dishes, vacuuming, BBQing, cleaning up our patio or small fix-it jobs around the house.
The rest, we divide and conquer together, to get done as fast as possible.
2. Agree on a level of good enough
I’ve been known to want to renovate the entire house before a couple of friends come over for dinner. Every once in a while, my crazy, perfectionist side flares up and I lose my mind and all sense of reason.
When that happens, I try to remember how it’s coming across to my husband. This scene from Everybody Loves Raymond, always pops into my head:
Debra: “Ray, could you get up and help me, please? We gotta shampoo the rug before they come over tonight.”
Ray: “Shampoo the rug?! It’s Bernie and Linda, I’m not even gonna shampoo myself.”
When I start to get into a “shampoo the carpets before people come over for dinner” frame of mind, I try to identify where that feeling is coming from. Usually, it boils down to shame: I’m not comfortable with __________ (how my house looks, my cooking, etc.) and I’m stressed to impress. When I can start to recognize it for what it is – shame panic – I can share honestly with my husband, “Hey, I’m afraid my cooking isn’t as good as __________ and I’m feeling insecure.” That goes a long way to defusing a potential argument about why he doesn’t want to remodel the bathroom before my parents come over.
3. Timing is everything
The worst time to talk about housework? At the time you actually want it done.
I’ve finally learned to make plans when I want a dedicated amount of time and effort from my husband. Using the phrases below has helped lessen the stress and actually get things done:
“Hey there- can we dedicate four hours on the 24th to getting the garage cleaned up? I need your help in making decisions and moving stuff around.”
“Tomorrow I want to get the kitchen cleaned up before we have everyone come over on Saturday. Can you help me out for 30 minutes so we can knock it out?”
This did a couple of things for us:
It made me less resentful – I love knowing I have a committed time to get stuff done and will have buy-in from my husband
It made my husband feel less ambushed – My guy has a little time and space to wrap his head around gutting the garage on his day off. Plus, he makes sure that the weekend before and after are dedicated to fun.
4. Agree on routines so you can both have some time off
One of the most marriage-enhancing things we’ve done is agree that we spend 20 minutes after dinner, as a couple, cleaning up. That’s 40 minutes of housework that is getting done each night. This does two things: First, it makes our mornings less rushed. We are not constantly catching up from yesterday. That twenty minutes really does make a huge difference. (One of my tasks in those 20 minutes is to set up the coffee to brew the next morning. It’s a gift I give to both of us.)
Secondly, it frees up more time on the weekend. We don’t have to spend our whole weekend cleaning because, for the most part, we’ve kept up on much of it during the week. This give me the freedom to go and play a little when Saturday rolls around!
These four suggestions will not eliminate all arguments when it comes to getting household chores done, but it will make the discussions a little less contentious. (And I know it makes me a lot easier to live with.)
Looking to win the war of peace in your home? Join us at the Clutter Free Academy Facebook Group to learn to live with less and increase the peace in your home.
What are some ways you handle The Chore War in your home? Have you used any of these tips? Let’s talk about it in the comments below!
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Kathi is a blogger, speaker, and author of 17 books. She inspires thousands of women each year to strip down their expectations and lives and live with real purpose. She and her husband Roger are the parents fo four young adults in San Jose, CA. When she’s not dating her husband or hanging out with her puggle Jake, Kathi is speaking at retreats, conferences, and women’s events across the US.
Find Kathi Here:
Kathi’s Website
Everything else Kathi has contributed to or written for To Love, Honor and Vacuum!
The Menopause Pep Talk You Actually Need
Top 10 Fun Ways to Surprise Your Husband!
Top 10 Truths About Clutter
Kathi has written several awesome books for women, including:Clutter Free
The Get Yourself Organized Project
Overwhelmed: How to Quiet the Chaos and Restore Your Sanity
June 21, 2018
Have I Doomed My Sex Life By Rewiring My Brain with Porn?
This week we’ve been talking about how to use your brain well to get you on the road to a great sex life in marriage. After all, Paul told us to fill our minds with things that are pure and lovely (Philippians 4:8), and once you’re married, sex is indeed pure and lovely! God made it to be the ultimate expression of intimacy, something that brings you both together so that you truly “know” each other. And that’s awesome.
But what if our brains have been trained not to focus on arousal which comes from emotional vulnerability with each other, but instead which comes from the bad kind of fantasy, or with porn? Let’s deal with this today.
One young reader recently sent me this:
I am a 19 year old Christian girl, unmarried but in a serious relationship (will most likely be married to my BF in the next year or so) and I have struggled with watching porn, masturbation and reading erotica for much of my teenage life. I have sought out help many times and at one point was porn/masturbation free for 6 months. I have just recently really began to seek counseling and accountability for this issue. I am not sexually active with my boyfriend and am a virgin. However, I’m scared that when I enter married life that because my habits of these things my brain is rewired and won’t be able to enjoy married sex. I always was so careful that when it came to myself and another person I was protecting my purity, but what I didn’t realize was that when I took part in porn I was walking farther and farther away from purity as God intended. Do you have any advice for me as I’m walking through this season? Am I doomed when it comes to my brain being rewired?
Great question! Many women struggle with porn, and it really affects our ability to get aroused by our husbands.
My quick answer:
No, you’re not doomed. You are NEVER doomed. When we are able to surrender ourselves to God, and let go of the things that are holding us back from Him, He starts changing us from the inside out. And the Holy Spirit can do an amazing work when we don’t even realize it.
Now for my longer answer.
Your biggest problem will likely be relying on fantasy for arousal.
What’s brought you to orgasm up to now has been pornographic images and erotica, and so that will tend to be your “go-to” repertoire for how to get aroused.
And you’re going to have to fight against that! Fantasizing when you’re having sex with your husband is a form of cheating. It’s not okay. But hear me clearly on this: If you start from the very beginning fighting, I really think you’ll be fine.
Look, you’re doing everything as God would have to do it. You’ve confessed. You’ve gotten accountability. You’re seeking out God’s best for your life. So that’s wonderful. And He honestly does want you to enjoy your sex life in your marriage and He does want you to be free from this. Your challenge is simply making sure that from the very beginning, you don’t let your brain “go there”.
It’s frustrating when you want to get aroused and you can’t, and those fantasies are just at the edge, willing you to think about them. To deal with the frustration, many women run there. It’s called “dissociation“–when you fantasize during sex to get aroused, rather than concentrating on your husband. Now, there’s nothing wrong with thinking sexy thoughts about your hubby when you’re having sex! But when your brain has to conjure up pornographic pictures you’ve seen or stories you’ve read, then sex is no longer about “knowing” your husband or sharing an experience with your husband. It’s almost using him as your brain goes somewhere else. That’s wrong.
However, nothing is saying that your brain has to fantasize.
It may be a temptation, but you don’t have to give in to it. When those thoughts come, you can simply kick them out and focus instead on two things:
How much you love your husband
How good things feel right now
When you focus on what is feeling good physically, then instead of getting aroused by a fantasy, you can begin to get aroused by what he is doing.
Paul writes in 2 Corinthians 10:5 that we are in a spiritual battle for our minds at all times, and He asks us to actively fight:
We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.
This includes taking our sexual thoughts captive, and replacing them with great thoughts about your husband and what he is doing! If you do that, you’ll likely find that your body responds just fine, and it doesn’t take very long to stop relying on those other things for arousal. In fact, you may not even find it much of a struggle at all if you discipline yourself even now to stop thinking about those images, and stop indulging in porn altogether.
(Covenant Eyes can help with that; the links below explaining are affiliate links).
So don’t worry about it. Really. Keep doing what you’re doing–getting accountability and going deeper with God. Reject those thoughts, and they won’t have power over you anymore. The reason that it is hard to rewire the brain is that many people aren’t willing to fight in the first place, and they’ve spent years training themselves to only get aroused by fantasy. If you commit yourself to the right direction, though, and you start off right, there’s no reason to think that your sex life will be “doomed” whatsoever!
Women and Porn: One of the biggest problems is relying on fantasy now for arousal. How to break free of both porn and fantasy, and truly enjoy intimate sex with your husband:Click To Tweet
I know this doesn’t sound like a very sexy verse at all, but Psalm 37:4 says:
Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart.
That’s a promise. When you focus on God, He actually gives you your desires. I don’t think this means that He gives us the objects of our desire; I think it means He shapes our desires to be those things that are good. I believe that He’ll give you a great desire for your husband, then, as you grow closer to Him. So don’t give the fantasy life too much power in your mind. You can let it go, because God will fight for you, this is a battle He wants you to win, and He’s given you the ability to fight the battle, too!
What do you think? Have you ever had to battle an unhealthy fantasy life? How did you deal with it? Let’s talk in the comments!
We need to talk more about women and porn, because teenage girls are now becoming ensnared in porn, too. It’s not just a male problem. So this is a great reminder to parents: Just because you don’t have sons doesn’t mean that you don’t need to get controls on your computer or have those conversations with your kids about porn. Girls can get hooked in, too. Let’s do what we can to protect our kids, and let’s protect ourselves as well!
Check out how Covenant Eyes can help you battle porn yourself, and can help protect your children.
June 20, 2018
Retraining Your Brain to Fantasize about HIM — and No One Else!
It’s Rebecca on the blog today. I wrote a post a while back talking about how sexual desire is not wrong in and of itself, and why sexual attraction isn’t a sin. But what about the flip side? What about women who are married and WANT to be able to daydream or fantasize about their husbands, but they just don’t get all that excited anymore?
Now, when we say “fantasizing” I don’t mean role-playing in your head–I mean simply thinking explicitly about sex with your husband.
Some women are so uncomfortable thinking about sex explicitly that they read novels instead or throw themselves into rom-coms and romantic TV shows because it gives them an outlet. It’s an escape tactic–sex is happening to someone else, but they’re experiencing the rush. It’s safer.
But it’s good to be a sexual person. It’s OK to make yourself some lunch and, while you make that lunch, think explicitly about what you want to do to your husband tonight. It’s OK to find yourself daydreaming about something he did last week that felt amazing. Sex isn’t something to be ashamed of in your marriage–and wanting and thinking about sex isn’t bad either.
What we see a lot in just talking to friends and looking at the wider Christian culture is that many women are obsessed with romance stories, flirty TV shows, or handsome actors but have a really hard time getting excited and flustered over their husbands. So today I’m talking about a bit of the psychology of how to re-wire your brain so that your husband becomes the object of your fantasy again.
Let’s go!
Purge any roadblocks and junk from your brain
Many women find it hard to fantasize about their husbands, but easy to get caught up in other fantasies. This is why erotica as well as completely G-rated romance fiction are so popular among women–it’s all an escape where you’re whisked off to an adventure somewhere else with a new, exciting person.
But many women find themselves utterly dissatisfied with their actual marriage after reading one of these books–even if it’s just another Amish Christian romance novel.
If you find yourself obsessing over romance novels or fantasizing about a character in a TV show or movie you are watching, it may be time to cut that out from your life. It’s not wrong to read romance novels or watch TV shows with lead actors you find attractive–not at all! But when it crosses over to consuming your mind and crowding out your desire for your husband, it may be time for a break from it.
It’s like this: if you want to lose weight, you have to work out. But your workouts aren’t going to be very effective if you’re still eating a bag of chips every day. You’ve got to cut out the chips if you’re going to see any progress, or all your hard work is just going to be destroyed when you put junk back into your body. It’s the same with romantic and sexual fantasies.
Recognize that your libido isn’t only about the times you’re having sex–it encompasses your whole relationship
Libido is about more than how easy or hard it is to turn you on. Libido (especially for women, but also for men) encompasses the sexual energy of your relationship as a whole–that’s why little things like him doing the dishes or thinking to grab another carton of eggs on his way home can actually improve your sex life! When the relationship as a whole is good, it’s much easier to raise your libido, and when the relationship is bad, often libido takes a nose dive.
But often, people in perfectly good marriages can act and think in a way that convinces them that their marriage is “blah” or disappointing.
In psychology, there’s a concept called “Cognitive Dissonance.” This is the feeling you get when your beliefs and your actions don’t match up–it feels bad. So you do some mental gymnastics and create new beliefs or alter your old ones so that you can match what your actions are. How we respond to cognitive dissonance is what impacts the kind of person we become.
The fun part is that we can hijack cognitive dissonance for our marriages. If you want to believe or think something, start acting like you do already. Do you believe your husband is a bit boring, or you’re not in love with him anymore? Shake your brain up by acting in the exact opposite way. Treat your husband like you already think he is the most amazing man in the world. Get up when he comes in the door and run over and give him a kiss. While you watch TV, run your hands through his hair or put your head on his shoulder. Talk about the wonderful things he does, or what he’s great at. Think about how he made you feel when you were dating, and re-live those emotions while you’re running your errands. Your brain will have to compensate for your actions that are against what you believe.
I’m not talking about lying to yourself here–some husbands are just bad men. But for many, you’re married to a wonderful man but you’ve lost the spark. So you’re training your brain to find the spark, even if you’ve lost it. That’s all.
If you focus on these things, and you act in a way that says, “I think you’re the most amazing man in the world,” your brain starts to become more alert to things he does that confirms the idea that he is fantastic and amazing since you’ve spent time building up those neural pathways.
Before you know it, it becomes easier and easier to fall in love with him all over again.
Learn to re-frame your thoughts
Often fantasizing about your husband can be difficult because it’s easy to list off 400 things he could do better, but it’s difficult to think of an equal number of things he does right!
This is because our brains are primed to notice negative or potentially harmful things. Happy things pose no threat–so your brain just lets them pass by. But when something bad happens, it’s your brain’s job to alert you so that you can make sure you’re safe and won’t experience any discomfort.
Fantasizing about your husband, then, is at least partially about learning to reframe how you see things.
Do you see him not putting the dishes in the dishwasher right as yet another thing you need to re-do, or him taking ownership of household cleaning (even if it means it’s not getting done “your way”)?
Do you immediately jump to the thought that he’s inconsiderate when he gets home an hour later than he planned to when out with his friends, or do you celebrate that he has such great friendships in his life that feed his soul and encourage him?
When he comes home stressed after a hard day at work and just wants to veg, is that really him being selfish, or is it an opportunity for you to show him love and compassion?
You don’t read many romance novels where the protagonist’s internal monologue is all what the man could have done better. And that’s because romance flourishes when you switch into an “other” orientation–your first thought is not about your own desires and wants, but how you can bless and serve the other. That’s love, and both partners having that mindset is the bedrock of an amazing marriage.
Bring some adventure back to your relationship!
Finally, if you have a hard time getting excited about your husband, perhaps the problem is that your life in general is kind of “blah” right now.
We’re in the world of shortcuts and constant passive entertainment. Neither lead to a very fulfilling life.
If you’ve gotten caught up in the “watching Netflix while we eat dinner” kind of routine, switch it up. Take that dance class you’ve always wanted. Start a hobby like knitting or sewing. Make a habit of doing one adventurous or fun thing a week with your husband.
By injecting something new into your routine, you throw your brain’s natural rhythm out of sync. As a result, everything can seem new and shiny again–that’s why so many people feel their relationships are rejuvenated when they go on vacations together. When the setting changes, you get to re-learn the other person.
A romantic, passionate marriage is not an impossible goal. There are stages of life, for sure, and some times you experience more “being in love” than others, but romance can be rekindled.
If you’ve struggled with fantasizing about men, actors, or even storybook characters and want to reclaim that part of your sexuality for your marriage, finding that romance and passion again will make fantasizing about your husband come naturally again.
What are some ways you keep the romance alive in your marriage? Let’s talk about it in the comments below!
June 19, 2018
10 Ways Real Women Rev Their Sex Drives!
So how can she use her brain to start looking forward to sex tonight?
I asked a number of marriage and sex bloggers and authors to give me some good ideas. And I was looking for things that REAL people do, not something you’d read but say, “that’s so impractical.”
Most of us, if we’re honest, don’t really start thinking about sex until after we’ve climbed into bed, and then the first question that occurs to us is something like, “Does he want to tonight?” We wonder what he’s thinking, rather than what we’re thinking. And then it all too easily becomes, “is he expecting anything?”
What would happen, though, if we started giving ourselves a bit of a sex pep talk earlier in the day? What would happen if we helped our brains engage before we hit the sheets? Maybe things would get a lot more fun!
Starting Early: Getting your brain in gear for sex during the day
In 31 Days to Great Sex, my fun challenge for couples (and it’s super inexpensive, too! Just $4.99 for the ebook version), I challenge women on day ? to prepare for sex throughout the day. Think those thoughts earlier, and it’s more likely your sex drive will rev!
I mention quite a few ideas in the book, and here are a few more to start trying earlier in the day:
1. Do Your Kegels!
Although our minds play a big part in feeling sexy, our bodies can help, too. Keep your arousal tissue in steamy condition by doing your kegels. Kegels are so important for spiciness! They encourage blood flow and muscle tone…both are great for arousal and orgasm!Bonny from The Oyster Bed
2. Make a Date
Just this morning, I told my husband, “Saturday, 10AM”. Setting a specific time:
1. Gives us both something to look forward to;
2. Lets him know that I’m thinking about him;
3. Clears both of our calendars so that sex doesn’t have to be squeezed in between laundry and buying a pork butt (two actually things on my to do list for this week.)
Kathi Lipp
3. Engage Your Senses
Wear clothing that feels luxurious, paint your toenails your favorite color, listen to music, or wear a lotion or perfume that you love. This primes your mind to pay attention to what your body senses.
Chris, from The Forgiven Wife
4. Imagine Your Husband
To get “in the mood” I will look through my wedding photo album, then walk thru Bill’s side of the closet. It smells like his cologne (which I love). This prepares my heart for when he walks in the door. Or when I travel, I wear to bed as pj’s the dress shirt he wore the last Sunday because it makes me feel close to him even when we might have to be miles apart for work. It also helps that I have a travel alarm that is a photo of my husband and he recorded ” Good Morning, Beautiful!” as the alarm. (This also helps me with a better, more amorous re-entry into life back home with an “I am ready and available for some Red Hot Monogamy” !
Pam Farrel, author of Red Hot Romance Tips for Women and co-author of Red Hot Monogamy
5. Run Through Your “Highlight Reel”
It’s okay to have a highlight reel–or memories of your favourite sexual times together. Sometimes they’re great memories because they’re so romantic and sometimes it’s because they’re sexy, but either way, they’ll help you think more about him!
Make it a practice that when you’re in the shower, or when you’re folding his laundry that you deliberately go over one of your highlights!
(don’t have any yet? Then try 31 Days to Great Sex!)
Let’s Get it On!: Revving Sexual Desire During Foreplay
Did you know that most women aren’t actually “in the mood” before they start making love, whereas most men are? That’s right! Women often have to start touching, think positively about sex, and only THEN does arousal start.
But you can actually start the arousal process going earlier by concentrating more on foreplay and drawing things out! Here are some ideas that help you do that:
6. Write a Sexy Quiz
Most husbands love verbal praise and sexual intimacy most in marriage so here’s an idea to combine both. Create 4-6 questions with 3 answer options each on things you love most about your husband. For example, one question could say, the thing I find most attractive about my husband’s body is A-his eyes, B-his arms, C-his you-know-what. Your husband must choose the correct answer and if he gets it right you remove one article of clothing. Therefore, the amount of questions must match the articles of clothing you have on so when he answers all of the questions correctly you’ll have no more articles of clothing on. Let your imagination take you from there!Wyatt Fisher, from Christian Crush
What I like about this one is that coming up with the questions earlier in the day can help you rev your libido, too!
7. “Bless” His Body
Lovingly touch the various parts of his body as you express appreciation and bless them. “I love the look in your eyes when you look at me as though I’m beautiful,” and kiss his eyes. “I love the sound of your voice when you tell me ‘I love you.'”, and kiss his mouth (and maybe his throat). “I love the feel of your arms holding me close when I’m tired or upset.” And kiss his arms. “I love your hands doing thoughtful things for me and helping around the house.” “I love the way you carry the financial pressures of our family on your shoulders.” “I love your feet leading the way as we follow God together.”As you begin blessing certain parts of his body, begin taking off his clothes. I doubt you’ll have to do anything more to get him excited and interested in blessing your body in return!
Carol Peters-Tanksley MD, DMin. Find out more here.
Make sure that you lead up to the main event–so that the anticipation builds! As his does, yours will, too. And one of the benefits of you being more assertive and initiating sex like this is that you’re not just waiting for something to happen. You’re an active participant, which will make your brain go in the right direction, too!
8. Focus the attention
Sometimes getting rid of a sense helps fire up the other ones!
Blindfold your husband and then encourage him to slowly undress you and explore your body. He can’t take the blindfold off until you’re completely naked. Continue to ramp up the foreplay and lovemaking from there!Julie Sibert from Intimacy in Marriage
9. Pay attention!
If you’re lying there while you’re having sex, thinking about shopping lists and to-do lists and work, figuring that when he starts hitting the right spot you’ll start to feel good, I guarantee you that you won’t.
But if instead you start asking yourself, “what’s feeling good right now?”, you’ll likely realize:
Oh, that feels great!
The key to sex feeling good is to pay attention. Don’t let your mind wander. Think about your husband. Think about how much you love him. Think about his body–and yours! And you’ll find arousal much easier.
10. Understand the bigger picture of libido
Sometimes you can’t “think” your way into getting in the mood. There are other things that affect us–our hormone levels, the foods we eat, how busy we are, and how emotionally connected we feel with our spouse can all make it easier or harder to get turned on.
If you’ve been struggling with low libido, and you can’t think your way out of it, then I hope that my Boost Your Libido course can help you. Check it out here, because I know that this is a multifaceted issue that really can be overcome.
It may seem like a strange question, but what are some things you have found work to rev up your sex drive? If you’ve struggled with low libido, share what has worked for you and maybe you can help out another marriage!
June 18, 2018
Reader Question: Do TV Shows with Nudity Count as Porn?
Do TV shows with nudity count as porn?On Mondays I like to grab a reader question and try to answer it, and this week we’re going to be looking at our fantasy life–how to make it work FOR intimacy, rather than against it. A reader sent in this question about her husband’s TV habits, and I thought it was a good one to start the week with.
She asks:
When I married my husband, I knew he was an unbeliever. Over the last few years, as my faith has grown, I’m becoming more and more aware of the sin in my life and the sin in his. I still love my husband like crazy, but one thing I’m having trouble dealing with is that my husband likes to watch movies/TV that are either cop shows, or investigative-type movies with lots of action and nudity. So they show scenes where the cops enter strip clubs that show topless women, or they bust into rooms where people are having sex and the woman is shown naked. While my husband and I agree that pornography is wrong, he sees this as different. In my mind, any kind of nudity is a type of porn. But in his mind, because it’s not labeled as porn, this isn’t it. He knows it bothers me, but he says he can’t know there’s nudity until it happens. And half the time I don’t know if it registers to him. I know since he is not a believer, I can’t hold him to the same standards I would someone who is. Also, my husband isn’t pulling away from me or anything. He still has a huge sex drive and desires intimacy with me. So I know a lot of this is on me and in my mind when I don’t want to be intimate after. So is nudity/sex in movies or TV porn, or am I overreacting?
Oh, yikes. I always find these sorts of questions really thorny. Personally, I wish they would put far less nudity and even graphic violence in both movies and TV. I find it tends to diminish them considerably, and it makes me very uncomfortable that actors had to film like that. I really don’t think it adds to the story, and seeing graphic violence, like naked dead bodies, is really creepy.
But how would I approach this?
Figure out his motivations for watching the shows
There’s a huge difference between a guy who wants to watch Game of Thrones to see naked women, and who wants to have sex immediately afterwards when he’s aroused, and a guy who watches crime shows with little effect on him because he’s honestly just interested in the stories.
There are some shows that I think really are porn, because the sex scenes are long, drawn out, the main part of the show, and designed to titillate. Then there are shows where there’s a strip tease going on in the background while two characters are talking, but it isn’t the real focus of the show. I’m not saying the latter isn’t bad; it’s just that it’s much more of a grey area, and I do believe that someone could watch that and it wouldn’t have much of an impact on their sex drive or fantasy life.
She’s admitted that this isn’t interfering with their sex life, and that she doesn’t feel like he’s leering at the women in the nude scenes or anything, nor is nudity the main focus of the shows. So I think, in this case, she knows the answer.
I have also known many couples, though, where he watches an HBO show (they always seem to be HBO shows!) and then immediately wants sex because he’s aroused, and she feels really used. That’s definitely an intimacy and marriage killer; I don’t think graphic crime shows necessarily are.
Remember that you can’t be someone’s conscience
As she’s growing in Christ, she’s finding that more and more things are bothering her. She’s getting more sensitive to the Spirit.
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. (Philippians 4:8)
That’s a good prescription for our general mood, not just our spiritual well-being. There’s great research that shows that watching TV tends to depress the mood, while reading or playing a board game or taking a walk tends to elevate the mood. Staying away from these types of entertainment, then, is actually wise.
But–and here’s the big but–you really can’t be someone else’s conscience. He isn’t a Christian and so, like she said, she can’t expect him to make decisions that would honour Christ. She can, however, pray that his own spirit becomes more sensitive to God.
There’s an impulse when you love an unbeliever to want them so badly to come to know Christ: we tend to look for all the “fruits” or “signs” that they may be becoming more Christian. We think somehow that if we can convince them to act like a Christian, then maybe they’ll become one. I don’t think that’s a conscious thought necessarily, but that’s the aim we seem to have. We want our husbands to stop swearing, to stop playing poker, to make better TV choices, etc. But none of that ultimately matters. What matters is knowing Jesus, and expressing to your husband that you think he’s not good enough isn’t going to help him meet Jesus. So she’s right on here: she can’t be his conscience, and she needs to let him choose.
Is Nudity in TV Shows the Same as Porn? What do you do if your spouse watches shows with lots of nudity--and you feel like that's porn?Click To Tweet
You can decide what shows you want to watch, and find ones to see together
Just as he can choose what he does, though, so can you. So if you are uncomfortable watching the shows, then don’t watch them.
If you want to spend some time together in the evenings, then why not find a compromise? Suggest something like, “you do your thing until 9:30, and I’ll do my thing, and then we’ll watch an episode of a comedy together.” Watch something short but funny, like Brooklyn 99 or The Office or Kim’s Convenience (I don’t know if you Americans get that on Netflix, but it is seriously amazingly funny. It’s Canadian, but Best. Show. Ever.)
Or if you want to watch a crime show together, choose one without all the nudity and gross stuff. I love many of the British crime shows–Broadchurch was really good (if awfully sad), and it wasn’t graphic I don’t think. X Company (another Canadian show) is amazing, too. There are choices out there that don’t have nudity, and if you look, you can find them.
So if he wants to watch the shows, he can. But you can also say, “I have trouble making love to you after seeing that kind of violence and nudity, and so I’d prefer not watching it, and that we watch something else together before bed, or that we do something together.” I think that’s a far healthier approach than trying to convince him that his viewing choices are morally wrong, or withdrawing from him because you’re weirded out after watching his shows.
I wish I could take a more definitive answer, but I do know this is really thorny, especially when your spouse isn’t a Christian. So let’s open this up: What do the rest of you think? How do you decide what shows are good to watch? What do you think of nudity? Let’s talk in the comments!
June 15, 2018
This Father’s Day, Let’s Remember: Dads Have it Rough, too!
This week Father’s Day is upon us, so it’s time to thank Dad by emptying stores of ugly ties and the occasional fishing lure.
And sometimes, I think, the females of our species are guilty of approaching this day with a little bit of derision. Just look at how easy he’s got it! Women are the ones who really do everything; men may work at their jobs, but they spend the rest of their lives trying to get out of labour. They’re the lucky sex.
I get it. As I’ve shared this year about the horrific way women are often treated in society, and even in our churches, sometimes it is much easier to be a man.
Nevertheless, I am so, so glad that I am not. Because while women do have our difficulties, men do as well. And so I thought that today we could recognize some of those difficulties together!
At school, we girls can bicker and insult each other, but if we shy away from actually throwing a punch, people don’t question our bravery. If a guy were to refuse to stand up to a bully, though, he’d be labelled “a coward”.
Women can cry at movies, at goodbyes, at births, at deaths, and even at slivers being removed, and everyone just passes the Kleenex. If a man cries, people look worried and back away slowly.
If a woman spends hours on Netflix watching chick flicks and rom-coms, it’s called “self-care,” but if a guy plays video games after work it’s called immature, even if he wastes less time than she does.
If we want to make friends with kids on the block, people think that we’re saintly. If men want to, people assume they’re perverts.
If a guy has difficulty putting a roast beef dinner together or dressing the kids in clothes that match, women are allowed to laugh at him. But no guy is allowed to laugh at a woman who doesn’t know how to change the oil in her car.
If a woman wants to stay home and be a stay-at-home wife, no one bats an eye. But a man saying, “I’d rather stay home and take care of the house than work a 9-5” is seen as lazy or unmotivated, even if he is proposing to do the exact same role as the wife would have.
If a woman starts dating a guy, she gets taken out for free meals, gets flowers and presents, and is showered with chocolate. Which he is expected to pay for, even if he makes less money than she does while they’re dating. Dating can cost guys hundreds of dollars, whereas there isn’t the same expectation that women shell out cash on a date!
While women deal with the media’s portrayal of the “perfect body,” men do, too–and it’s also largely things they can’t control. How well you grow facial hair, your body’s ability to build muscle, your face shape, and whether or not you have male-pattern baldness all contribute to whether or not you have the right “manly” look or not. And there’s not much you can do about it if you don’t have those “masculine” qualities.
When a crisis hits, like a basement flood or a dispute with contractors, she can always pass the buck to him to deal with it. But he can’t pass the buck to anyone.
If a man is grumpy, we lambaste him for it. If a woman is grumpy, she has a “get out of moodiness” free card she can play, no matter what the time of the month. And if a guy challenges her on it, then she can whip out the “I went through labour because of you” trump card. Then he’s toast.
If a woman is upset, chances are there are at least 5 friends she can phone or text immediately to talk it through. Most men are lucky if they have even one good friend they talk about emotions with. Men may get together with other men to watch sports or to do a hobby, but most men have no one with whom they regularly share their feelings.
Do women have it bad? Of course we do.
We’ve got PMS and pain and superwoman syndrome and pressure to be a size 4 and soccer practice and hot flashes. But let’s not pretend that we’re alone in our suffering.
Men have a lot to live up to as well. And while there’s pressure on us to be the perfect Proverbs 31 woman, there’s also a lot of pressure on guys to be this macho man who has it all together. Part of having it all together, too, is this idea that he never needs anyone or anything, which means it’s so much harder for men to talk about how they really feel.
So on this day, let’s acknowledge that men do indeed have it rough. Let’s celebrate him for being a guy, whether he’s a brother, a son, a father, or a husband. After all, guys really do deserve our gratitude.
Who is a father in your life that you want to celebrate this Father’s day? Share about it in the comments and let’s honor the amazing men in our lives!
June 14, 2018
7 Ways to Show Him You Think He’s a Great Dad
Father’s day is coming up,
Dads have a hard time proving themselves sometimes. We’ve been so trained to believe that women are the parent, and the dad’s job is to go to work and then be a glorified babysitter whenever mom needs a break or she’ll go insane. That doesn’t exactly lend itself to a parenting style where each parent is seen to be capable of taking care of the kids. So dads, even if they want to be super involved with their kids, often feel unequipped.
Now, some dads are just bad fathers. That’s the unfortunate reality. And if that’s the case that you are in, these posts may be better for you:
Reader Question of the Week: My Husband Isn’t a Good Stepfather
Forgiving My Dad: Reestablishing a Relationship After Years of Separation
Many dads, though, want to be really involved in their kids’ lives! They want to be super-dad, but aren’t given the opportunity. If that’s the case in your family, or if you have a husband who’s already a super-dad but you want to find new ways to encourage him, here are 7 ways to let your husband know you think he’s a great dad and empower him in his parenting!
1. Trust him with the kids without a mile-long list of instructions
Many dads just want to be able to prove themselves, but they don’t get a chance because their every move is dictated by mom! Now, of course, this is usually done because mom is the one who takes care of them the most in many families, but it can often lead to dad feeling like he’s just a glorified babysitter.
Instead, sometime why not say, “Honey, I need to go grab some hot chocolate with the girls. So you get to take care of the kids for the next few hours–have fun!” and just leave. He knows where the formula is, he knows how to change a diaper, and he knows how to play with his kids. You don’t need to make sure that everything happens your way while you’re gone–it’s OK if time with dad is different! He loves his kids, so trust him with them!
2. Identify places in parenting each of you could teach the other a new skill
Part of encouraging your husband in his fatherhood is to be honest about where your parenting as a couple has its strengths and weaknesses. So figure it out! Where is one area you feel the other excels and could teach you something? Are you really good at emotional conversations, but he’s really good at discipline? Are you really good at organizing the kids and the family, but he’s great at just letting loose and having fun? Talk about where your strengths are, and help each other grow mutually.
7 ways to let your husband know you think he's a GREAT dad this father's day!Click To Tweet
3. Retrain your brain if necessary
Our culture has mixed feelings about dads. On the one hand, it loves dads–they’re important, kids do better when they have dads who are involved in the family, and there are so many amazing movies that center around a father’s devotion to his family. But on the other hand, it tends to see fathers as glorified babysitters who are just there to give mom a break every now and then. They’re definitely not seen as equal partners in parenting.
If you struggle with seeing your husband as a parent as much as you see yourself as one, it’s time to retrain your brain. Your husband is just as capable of taking care of your kids as you are! He may not have as much knowledge as you since he hasn’t had the chance to take care of kids as long as you have, but he can learn.
So when you find yourself thinking dismissive thoughts about your husband, stop yourself and correct the thought. For example, instead of thinking, “He’s just helpless. I can’t leave the kids with him for an hour without the house becoming a disaster!” correct yourself and think, “When I leave the kids with him, the house gets messy, but that’s because he’s spent so much time playing with the kids and making memories that he forgets to clean up. We’re working on it, and him spending time with the kids is more important than if the dishes are done immediately, anyway.”
4. Praise him in front of the kids
Many times moms kind of laugh at dad behind his back with their kids–especially older kids or teenagers. Watch how you speak about your husband with your children. It’s one thing to laugh about the funny thing dad said without realizing it, and another to laugh at him in a condescending way.
Call out your husband’s strengths and gifts in front of your kids. Tell him you think he’s a great dad, and give specific examples. “I just love watching you play with your daughter–it’s such a gift to see that our daughter has a daddy who loves to spend time with her and pour into her life.”
Do you know how to encourage your husband's parenting? Here are 7 ways to tell him you think he's a great dad!Click To Tweet
5. Brag about him to your parents and in-laws
Wives often call their moms when they need to vent. So, over time, all that your husband’s mother-in-law hears about him is negative! He’s stressing you out, or he can’t do this right, or you can’t believe he doesn’t know how to do that.
As well, it’s easy to get into a habit of clucking with your mother-in-law at family events about how useless the husbands are.
It’s time to change those habits! Instead of complaining about your husband or speaking about him in a patronizing way, tell your mom about some wonderful he did with the kids. Talk to your mother-in-law about how she raised such a great man who wants to be involved in his kids’ lives and truly be their dad. Calling out the good things that your husband does with extended family is an amazing way to encourage him in fatherhood and it changes the family culture, too. Instead of the husbands being seen as a bit like grown-up children, they become equals in the parenting role–and that’s a beautiful thing!
6. Include him in planning big family events
How many times do kids open a present from “mom and dad” and only thank mom, because they know dad had nothing to do with picking it out?
Whether it’s presents or birthday parties or important sports games or competitions, get dad involved! Don’t just micromanage it–give him responsibility with this. Plan the birthday party together and you may find that he has some great ideas that the kids just love. Go shopping for birthday or Christmas presents as a couple and ask him what kinds of presents he got as a kid that he loved. Often dads can start to feel like they’re watching their family from the outside, by bringing him in to these big family events, you’re making sure you don’t leave him on the sidelines.
7. Encourage him to create his own traditions with the kids
Having time as a family is important, but it’s also important that parents have individual time with their children. Encourage your husband to find fun things to do with the kids, even if you think they’re ridiculous. Maybe it’s comic books, maybe it’s Nerf gun battles, maybe it’s throwing a football around. Whatever it is, just let him do his thing.
Wives often find that their husbands have interests they think are kind of silly, or they don’t understand the appeal of them. But kids often love them. So celebrate that your husband and kids can bond over these activities you have absolutely zero interest in, and if they start doing something you find fun, join in with them every now and then!
What do you do to let your husband know you think he’s a great dad? What are some of your best tips? Share them in the comments below!
June 13, 2018
Can We Have an Honest, Awkward Talk about Vibrators?
Okay, I’m going to step on some toes in this post, and it’s honestly not my intention. This is seriously awkward to talk about.
But I had a lot of feedback last week when I shared a video talking about reaching orgasm with a vibrator, and I thought it was worth elaborating on.
The original question was: is it so bad if you can only reach orgasm with a vibrator? And I said, well, yeah, kinda. And then I had a number of commenters and emailers saying that this wasn’t fair, because this honestly was the only way to reach orgasm for them.
I’d like to talk more about this today, but it’s honestly not my intention to shame anyone or heap guilt on anyone. I just want to help women who are desperate to achieve orgasm and just can’t seem to.
Here’s the real problem to me: When you’re having trouble reaching orgasm with your husband, and then you use a vibrator, you’re actually reinforcing the reasons that the orgasm was difficult in the first place.
If you can orgasm with a vibrator, then you can reach orgasm. And I’m sure for many of you who have struggled with reaching orgasm, this was a huge relief to you. And I’m glad, too. I’m glad you now know, definitively, that your body isn’t broken. You honestly can get there! Yay!
So the question becomes: Why can you reach orgasm with a vibrator but not with your husband?
Some of that’s a given. Ummmm…..no guy can vibrate like that. And vibrations are a whole lot more effective at bringing a woman to orgasm than most other methods.
But I don’t think that’s the only reason, and so we need to take a step back and ask the question: “What is making orgasm with my husband difficult in the first place?” So let’s take a look at what an orgasm actually requires.
What you need for orgasm physically
In order to reach orgasm, you need some stimulation. In general, women tend to find manual or oral stimulation more effective in bringing them to orgasm than intercourse (though once you’re comfortable and once you’ve figured things out, intercourse can work well, too). But manual or oral stimulation is a good place to start.
Now, women also tend to require a long time to reach orgasm. It isn’t something that tends to happen in the first 3 minutes, 5 minutes, or even 10 minutes. So they need focused stimulation for a drawn out period of time.
What you need for orgasm emotionally
But it’s not only the right physical stimulation. It’s also being in the right frame of mind. As I’ve said before, many women like being in control at all times, and orgasm requires allowing yourself to be carried along. It doesn’t work when you’re trying to be in control.
Orgasm also requires a healthy view of sex. It’s hard to reach orgasm when you’re ashamed of your body, ashamed of sex, or having flashbacks of sexual trauma that you’ve experienced.
Not just that, but orgasm requires a woman to understand what does feel good. She has to be familiar enough with her body that she recognizes what arousal is and what tends to feel better. And she needs to feel very strongly that she is supposed to feel pleasure–that she’s not being selfish or broken for requiring more attention than intercourse alone will give.
Yup. We're talking about it. Here's an honest and awkward conversation about vibrators in marriage.Click To Tweet
Finally, orgasm requires being able to turn off all those pesky things running through your mind and just be able to focus on the here and now, and what is happening to you. For many women, that’s a big challenge!
What you need for orgasm relationally
Perhaps the biggest thing that you need to reach orgasm, though, is the ability to be vulnerable with your husband. You have to be able to tell him what feels good, and that’s difficult. Many men just don’t know how to stimulate a woman in a way that will arouse her, because men tend to be aroused by much firmer touch than women. And the clitoris is rather small, and many men’s fingers are rather big. It’s hard to get just the right angle, the right amount of pressure, the right spot.
In order for this to work, then, she has to feel confident enough in herself and in the relationship to guide him. That can be a challenge, especially if she feels like her needs don’t matter as much as his, or if she tries to “correct” his angle, she’s being pushy or unfeminine.
Not just that, but in order to “silence” all those voices in her head, and honestly relax with her husband, she has to know that he cherishes her, that he values her, that she is the only object of his affection. If she has a hard time trusting him because of his past porn use or behaviour towards women; if she feels like he often dismisses her feelings or doesn’t value her opinion; if she doesn’t feel cherished in any way it’s going to be hard for her to relax enough to achieve orgasm.
You see, what is often going on in a woman’s head while he is trying to stimulate her is something like this…
Oh, gosh, not like that. That’s too hard! That’s totally not the right spot. Okay, that kind of feels good, but is he getting frustrated with me? Shoot, now the feeling’s gone. I’m trying, why isn’t it working?
And if it DOES start to work….
This is taking too long. It feels good, but he’s taking too long. Is he getting frustrated? His arm must be falling asleep by now. Am I going to get there? What’s wrong with me?
Now, if that’s what’s going on in her head, don’t you think orgasm is going to be pretty difficult?
The issue with vibrators is that because stimulation is so intense, they make orgasm almost guaranteed.
What they don’t do is deal with any of these things that you need to reach orgasm with your husband. In fact, in many cases they reinforce the very things that are preventing orgasm.
If orgasm requires vulnerability and intimacy, a vibrator puts another layer between you and your husband, increasing the distance. (again, this is not to say that vibrators can’t be fun in a marriage; what I’m saying is that when orgasm is already difficult, this can reinforce those reasons).
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A vibrator makes it possible to not have those important conversations about what it actually takes for her to feel good, and can reinforce the idea that she really SHOULD be able to reach climax much more quickly, and really, what’s wrong with her?
It can reinforce any body issues that she has with herself, including feeling like there’s something wrong or dirty with her genitals that can make her embarrassed if he touches them.
It can short circuit the need for her to feel safe with him, because it isn’t “him” making her feel pleasure in the same way.
So what would I suggest for women who find that they can only orgasm with a vibrator?
First, rejoice that you know that you can reach orgasm! That’s great. And you know what? If you can reach orgasm this way, then you really can in other ways, too. The future is truly opened up for you!
Here’s More Guidance on How to Help Her Reach Orgasm–Together!
I wrote 31 Days to Great Sex as a challenge that couples can do together to work on all aspects of the relationship (including the emotional ones) that may stop her from being able to feel a lot of pleasure.
With exercises on how to be more affectionate, how to talk more, how to deal with trust issues, along with the super fun ones on how to figure out what feels good to her, how to stimulate her, and how to reach orgasm, you’ll find that your sex life really can move forward. And sometimes it’s easier to try these things when a “book” is telling you what to do, rather than you having to make the suggestion to your husband yourself.
I’ve kept the ebook priced really cheaply at $4.99 so that it can help as many couples as possible. It can help you, too!
A few years ago a woman shared her story of finally reaching orgasm when she was advised by an older woman to not stop until it happened. Just take the time! And so she did. And it took a LONG time. But after that breakthrough, things were a lot easier! I think what happens is that we often try, but we give up before enough time has lapsed. Let yourself take the time. Relax. Set aside a long stretch for this.
Too often we think that because a man can reach orgasm quickly, we’re supposed to as well. His experience is perceived as the “right” one, and we have to make our own response match his. But what if that’s just not true? Maybe God made it so that women take longer to respond so that making love becomes something that is drawn out and focused on each other, rather than just something that’s quick and automatic? Is it so bad if we need to pay attention to each other’s reactions and work at something? I don’t think so.
And then, when he is trying to pleasure you, be sure to guide him. Learn to pay attention to your body’s cues. Orgasm is as much feeding what is feeling good as it is having those feelings happen automatically. When something feels good, relax into it. Concentrate on it. And try to replicate it. Pay attention to what you’re feeling, because when something is feeling good, your body will often crave the next step. So listen to what your body is telling you it wants.
It may mean that you have to use your own hand, and guide his. You may have to teach him what to do. But don’t give up.
So to all of you who are so frustrated with the difficulty in achieving orgasm, please know, I do understand.
I do sympathize. It took me a while, too! I just don’t want to see you all reinforcing anything that can make reaching orgasm through your husband’s effort more difficult. Using a vibrator is definitely not a sin. It is not something to be ashamed of. But I do worry that it can compound some of the difficulties that you’re already having.
And finally, sex does feel more intimate when it’s him, without batteries.
What do you think? What are some of the big roadblocks that many women have to reaching orgasm? How can we overcome them? Let’s talk in the comments!
Does Your Sex Life Need a Pick-Me-Up?
Maybe it's gotten stale. Maybe it's never felt that great. Or maybe you just feel like you're missing something!
