Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 108

Reader Question: How Can We Raise Godly Kids Around Worldly Family Members?

What do you do if your extended family is rude and sets a bad example for your kids?

This week on the blog we’re going to talk about family harmony, and I thought I’d start with this reader question about in-laws. She writes:

My husband and I were raised in Christian homes and have made godliness a priority from the day we met. However, his family– all professing Christians– have gone off the deep end. Two of the brothers have scary tattoos/piercings/mohawks, curse/tell crass jokes, and wear profane/demonic shirts. (One of them is also bi-polar and gets into screaming matches with relatives, his wife, and even small children–way too often.) His other brother and his wife are churchgoers, but in recent years have begun socially drinking a lot and clubbing. It seems that’s all they talk about now– this and that club, what brand of liquor they like, etc. The big problem is that my mother-in-law, who I have grown very close with over the years, won’t stop any of it from happening in her home. Now SHE breaks out the alcohol and even tries to get us to partake in it. My father in-law, a former deacon, just sits back and stays quiet.

The part that makes it unacceptable is that we have two very smart, beautiful little boys– age 3 and 1– who I am determined to bring up in a wholesome environment. My wonderful husband, thank GOD, fully agrees and has tried to talk to his parents, to no avail. His mom just wants to keep everyone together. She is hostile to any suggestion of banning activities or upsetting anyone. We are the problem.

I am heartbroken for my husband, who is so very close with his brothers and parents, but the idea of bringing our kids into that place is more and more repulsive to me as time goes by. My older son is not a baby anymore. He is perceptive.

How can I reconcile taking them to church and Christian school, then turn around and trotting them into this ‘house of horrors’ full of people we appear to be perfectly happy to be around?!

Wow.

I’m sorry that you’re so distant from your family and feel so alone. I really am. Feeling like your family doesn’t understand you, and that you really are alone, is so isolating.

And I honestly understand where you’re coming from. In some ways we had a similar dynamic in our family. We certainly had our share of raunchy jokes and swear words at the Christmas table!

But there are a few things that I’d like to say, and I hope that you will hear my heart in this, and that others who experience this will also listen.

Jesus did not ask people to clean up their act before He hung around them.

He just enjoyed people, and they enjoyed Him! And that means that He wasn’t walking around judging people for all the things they do wrong. If you look at Scripture, we’re not actually supposed to judge those outside the church.

Now, in your case you say that your brothers-in-law grew up in the church, but  today they’re not following Jesus. Well, if they don’t know Him, then why should you expect them to act as if they do?

And if they don’t know Jesus, then isn’t it your job to show them?

That means loving them the way that Christ did. The apostle John wrote:

For Jesus did not come into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved. (John 3:17)

So let me ask: What are you doing to participate in Jesus’ mission? It sounds like you’re ready to condemn this family right now and give up on them, angry at them because they’re so terrible to be around. That’s not very Christlike to me.

Don’t worry so much about your kids

Your children will pick up your values. Even very young kids can learn that “we love people even if they aren’t like us, and even if we wish they’d act differently.” My kids heard swearing from very young ages, but Keith and I just didn’t react, and the girls didn’t even realize it WAS swearing until they were about 8 or 9. We just hung out with people.

And you can honestly enjoy people who don’t know Christ. Just find things to talk about. If they only want to talk about alcohol, change the subject! Take an interest in what they’re doing in their lives. Ask about their jobs. Ask about their schooling. Even ask about any recipes they’ve tried! It’s not that hard usually to steer the conversation in a good direction.

Look, your kids are going to encounter swearing and difficult people. You can’t shelter them forever. Why not instead show them how to handle it with grace and love? If they grow up like that, from the very beginning, ti won’t be jarring. Do that, and it really won’t affect them (trust me; my kids were fine).

Put yourself in your mother-in-law’s shoes for a second.

You’re asking your mother-in-law to ban her children, her flesh and blood that she loves so much, from family gatherings.

Not to be harsh, but it’s no wonder she thinks you’re the problem!

Imagine for a minute that your boys grow up, and one of them goes off the rails and doesn’t follow God. How would you want the other brother treating him? Would you want that brother to love and embrace him anyway and keep a good relationship with him, or would you want him to be ostracized?

Have you thought about your calling to your nieces and nephews?

I don’t know if you have nieces and nephews yet–it sounds like one of your brothers-in-law at least has kids? Have you thought about what a great influence you can be on those children, whom God has put specifically in your path?

I have three nieces and nephews on my husband’s side who grew up with my kids, and I love them dearly. So dearly. We took them to Family Camp for about six years straight for a week every summer when they were younger. Our kids grew up together.

Katie and her cousin Jessica in 2004.

Still loving on each other–at a family wedding a few years later.

One nephew I even had in my house for about a year and a half while we homeschooled him! I love them, I love the relationship they have with my kids, I love seeing them grow up.

We took Alex with us on a cruise for his 16th birthday. Celebrating in Jamaica!

I even went paintballing with Alex. And I hate paintballing. It’s called being a good aunt.

Paintballing with Alex

And honestly, I have found over the years that if family conversations get too raunchy, I can just go hang out with the kids!

Now the kids have great relationships with each other, and they get together just as cousins every Christmas to play board games. (Alex is missing from this picture! So’s David (Katie’s husband). This was last Christmas, before they were together).

Board games with the cousins!

Beyond your nieces and nephews, what about your calling to your sister-in-law? If she’s married to someone bipolar who yells at her, don’t you think she’s going to need you as a support? Don’t you want to be there for her if she’s ever in trouble and can’t handle things? This is your family. Stay close to her so she knows she has an ally if she needs it.

Can you see your family through Christ’s eyes?

We don’t see eye to eye on faith with all of Keith’s relatives. But they are wonderful people, and we still have a huge amount in common, because we base our relationship on what we share, not on what we don’t share. And when you get talking to people, you realize how much there is to admire in all of them. Two of my brothers-in-law MC’ed Katie’s wedding (and they were hilarious). They have helped us move, helped us with work stuff, they have been an amazing part of our lives. One sister-in-law even manned the book table at one of my events for me!

But if every time someone had said a swear word we had decided that we wouldn’t do family dinners with them? That would have been OUR problem, not theirs. We would have been the ones sinning, not them, because we wouldn’t be showing love.

The cool thing about family is that they are with you always. These are relationships that can be among the most precious in your life, if you let them. I have had friends come and go, but I have known Kurt, Kevin and Kris for almost 30 years. I have been to everyone’s weddings and everyone’s family celebrations. And we will always be there for them, and them for us.

Yes, family can be difficult. But you don’t have to see them everyday. You just have to love them and accept them during family dinners. Can you do that? Or will you reject them until they fit into your life?

Which do you think Jesus would choose?

I know relationships with in-laws are tricky, and I wrote before Christmas about how to handle family dinners if your family is abusive or is refusing to accept your husband/children. That’s a different situation. In this case, the family is more than happy to have them. They simply don’t act in a way that she likes.

You don’t need to subject yourself to abuse. But having people laugh and swear and drink in front of you is not really abuse. It may not be pleasant for you, but it’s not abuse. So can you love people even if they’re not like you?

What do you think? Do you have awkward relationships with extended family? How do you handle it?

Funny Things I Don’t Understand About Children

Mother’s Day is on Sunday, and I’m not even in the same continent to celebrate with my kids! Keith and I are in the middle of our Australian tour, and we’re having great fun (I’ll post some pictures next week!).

But I recently ran across this column that I wrote about kids a few years ago, and even though mine are grown now, I still have these questions.

So allow me to share today some funny things about kids I don’t understand. And maybe you can enlighten me!

I love children. At least, I love my own.

But as much as I love kids, I really don’t understand them.

For example, why is it so important to know who farted? As soon as the odor becomes obvious, kids immediately start asking the “who did it” question. I’ve witnessed four-year-olds crawling around on their hands and knees smelling each others’ bottoms just to uncover the offending creature. I still fail to comprehend why this is worthy of such detective work. Wouldn’t people’s energies be better spent by opening a window?

I also don’t understand kids’ coordination issues. Why is it that children who can balance on a gymnastics beam or skate on one leg can’t remain in a chair for an entire meal without falling out? I don’t fall out of chairs. Do you? And my kids have better balance than I do. Yet children are forever toppling off of furniture, especially when they are overcome by fits of laughter after somebody farted. Perhaps the two are interrelated, and the balance part of the brain is linked to the olfactory senses. Whatever the case, it would be lovely to enjoy a meal where everyone sat still occasionally.

Relating to the balancing issues, I’m also at a loss as to why preteens fall up stairs. I can understand falling down the stairs, but my daughter is forever landing on her behind as she moves along an upward trajectory in our home. Maybe this is common to this age group; my nephew, who is also thirteen, falls up the stairs quite frequently, too.

Perhaps it’s because children’s nerve endings don’t develop until the age of eighteen. If children did have nerves, wouldn’t they feel cold occasionally? Yet as soon as the snow melts little ones demand to turn on the sprinkler. I’ll be shivering and my 10-year-old will want to wear shorts. On any given winter day, look outside a high school and you’ll see kids who are woefully unprepared for whatever the weather has to dish out. The oddest, to me, are the Catholic schoolgirls wearing their skirts hiked up way higher than regulation in the middle of January. Who wants bare legs when it’s -15 out? Yet fashion takes precedence.

And now that swimming pool weather is upon us, children also reveal their lack of nerve endings by assuring us that 68 degrees is plenty warm enough to frolic underwater. To add further indignity to this aberration of nature, they then insist that we should join them, as if the fun cannot be complete unless Mother’s lips are turning blue as well. I suppose I should be flattered by the attention, but I’d really rather read a book.

Not only do children not mind the cold; they also make the heat worse. Any time I’m feeling miserably hot and sweaty, it’s almost guaranteed there’s a child nearby who has decided that the best way to deal with the heat is to lean up against me. Don’t they realize this just makes them more hot and sweaty?

Perhaps this is also a male failing. When I’m hot and sweaty, I don’t want my husband touching me, either. But heat doesn’t deter him. Come to think of it, very little deters the male gender (and if your husband’s libido is deterred, read this!). My husband is also the one who will gladly jump in a pool when it’s 68 degrees. Actually, he also laughs at the kids when they fall out of chairs, and participates in the conversations about who farted.

So perhaps it really is a male thing. But in the meantime, I’ll sit wrapped up tightly on the edge of the pool. And no one will ever know if I’m the one who farted.

Do We Need to Stop Using the Term “Virgin”?

“If you get raped, does that mean you’re not a virgin anymore?”

That was one of the anonymous questions asked at a small group my 17-year-old daughter was at one summer. The adults leading the discussion hemmed and hawed, saying technically, they guessed, you weren’t a virgin.

My daughter Katie, worried that one of the girls in this group had actually gone through this and was in agony, piped up. “It’s not the physical that’s important to God. It’s the heart. And God looks at the heart, and He can heal you and still give you a wonderful pure marriage.”

I’ve seen so many marriages and sex lives hindered because people grew up (or currently live) in a shame-filled Christian culture, rather than a grace-filled one. And so they don’t know how to interact in a healthy way with their spouse, and they don’t know how to embrace their sexuality after all the shame messages.

I want to end that week by posting about something I wrote about a few years ago, because I think this is a debate worth having. Back in March I also wrote about how we too often equate virginity with purity, and by doing so we can do a lot of harm. Today I want to continue this conversation. Unfortunately, for this conundrum I don’t have a clear answer; I just see the problem. I hope, after reading this, that you all can help brainstorm with me and find a new way to talk about purity instead of emphasizing virginity.

So let’s start with first principles:

God made sex to be a beautiful, wonderful thing.

It is also meant to be experienced within marriage. It’s also only in marriage that sex can reach its full potential, because sex is supposed to be intimate not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually as well. You can’t feel “like one” if there is no commitment. So sex is supposed to be beautiful and passionate, and marriage was created to be the environment for that passion.

I hope that’s clear–God does want us to wait for marriage for sex. Absolutely no doubt about that. And He wants us to do so for very good reasons. That’s why we say that God wants us to stay virgins until we’re married. However, I’m not sure that saying “God wants you to be a virgin until you’re married” always gives the right message. Here’s why:

1. You Can Be “Impure” and Still Be a Virgin

When we stress virginity as the sign of acceptance by God and the church and obedience to God, then we inadvertently say that “anything up to that point goes”. Of course, no youth pastor or parent would say that’s their message, but it is one some young people hear. One friend of mine, now 45, told me that he was 22 years old before he realized that heavy petting was actually not okay.

We need to talk not only about sex but about everything sexual. If all we ever say about sex is “don’t have sex until you’re married”, then you haven’t explained why purity isn’t about making sure that you’re a technical virgin; purity is an attitude of the heart. And you haven’t talked about the fact that other things can be sexual as well, and should be saved until marriage. We simply need to open lines of communication.

2. You Can Be Pure and Not Be a Virgin

In the surveys that I did leading up to the launch of my book The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, I asked people about their sexual experience before marriage. Then I left a box where people could write anything they wanted to say. I didn’t prompt them, but over 35% of women who weren’t virgins when they were married volunteered that they wished that they had waited. It really wore on them.

I so want to say to these women that God’s healing is available to them. You are not the sum of what you have done with your body; your identity is about what Jesus did with His body for you. And God takes our filthy rags and makes them new. He restores!

If you look back at the Gentile New Testament church, it was filled with people who were mostly NOT virgins when they were married. The Jewish culture protected chastity, but the Roman culture did not. When Paul was saying things like this, in Ephesians 2:1-5, he was talking primarily to those who had had sex before they were married:

As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, 2in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. 3All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our flesha and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature deserving of wrath. 4But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, 5made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved.

When he said that the people in Ephesus had “gratified the cravings of our flesh and followed its desires and thoughts” he meant it. Ephesus was a haven for temple prostitution. We think we live in a sexual culture, but so did they! These early Christians had quite the background, but they also were so grateful that Jesus had made them pure.

Because practically everyone in those days came to Christ as an adult, after they had messed up earlier, they could celebrate Jesus’ forgiveness perhaps easier than we do because most of  us were raised in the church and then messed up. And so we carry great shame. Maybe we need to identify more with these Ephesian Christians and stop beating ourselves up, but be grateful for what Christ has done for us!

3. Stressing virginity makes it sound like once you’ve failed, there’s no point in even trying anymore.

A few weeks ago a friend of mine in the military, who had been transferred to another base, crashed at my house for a few days with his wife and 21-year-old daughter as they were moving across Canada. During one of our conversations (don’t you love catching up with old friends?), my friend told me about one of her daughter’s friends who wasn’t a Christian. That girl had decided that she wanted to be a virgin when she was married all on her own, which is great.

But then one day she and her boyfriend got carried away and her virginity was gone.

She realized that she had lost her dream–to wait until her wedding–and so now there was no point. The horse has left the barn. You can’t close that door now.

I wonder how many people, both inside and outside the church, feel that same way. They want sex to be special and to be saved, but then if they mess up, they figure there’s no point in trying to reclaim any kind of boundaries, because you’ve already completely blown it.

When we stress virginity, then once it’s gone, it’s gone.

4. Stressing virginity makes purity legalistic

And that’s essentially my problem. Talking about virginity makes the issue a physical one, not a heart one.

God cares about the heart, not the hymen.

Of course, for our own sakes and for the sake of righteousness He wants us to wait until we’re married. But what He wants even more than that is people coming to Him with a pure and eager heart for a real relationship with Him. He looks to the heart (purity) not to outward appearances (the hymen). And you can have purity when you come back to God.

Listen, I still wanted my girls to be virgins when they got married. Absolutely. But I just wonder if by using that word we’re stressing the wrong thing.

I really and truly don’t have an answer for this one. I would prefer to stress purity over virginity, but I’m not sure that’s a good answer, because “purity” has a bad ring to it in the wider culture, too. It sounds judgmental. I don’t mean to criticize the church, and I also don’t mean to demean modesty, purity, or virginity–all of which are important.

I just want to make sure that we’re stressing heart things and we’re pointing to sex the way that God intended. I think the time has come to have this discussion–with your youth pastor, with teens you know, with engaged couples–and start to reframe things.

As part of that discussion, then, let me ask you: how would you handle the virginity/purity issue? How would you frame it? Let’s talk! Just leave a comment below.

If you’re struggling with understanding sex and not being ashamed of it, please take a look at my book, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex. It’s a fun book, and it explains in detail how God made sex to be intimate emotionally, spiritually, and physically. I think you’ll find it really helpful in dispelling some of the negative things you were taught!

How We Can Speak Words of Life to Our Spouse

What if you are the main vehicle for encouragement that God has planned for your spouse?

Seriously, do you realize what an immense privilege we have to be able to wield so much influence over how our husbands see themselves, and how they see what God is doing in their lives?

As his wife, you are the closest person in the world to him. Your words likely carry more weight. But we do we consider that? Do we use our words well?

Earlier this year I read Jefferson and Alyssa Bethke’s book Love That Lasts, and one anecdote really stood out to me that I’d like to share with you all today.

Jeff wrote:

“The other day I walked into our bathroom, and Alyssa had written a “10 Things I Love About You” list on the mirror with dry erase marker. It listed things like “I love how you see the home responsibilities as a team effort” and “I love you selfless you are” and “I love how you draw me out with kindness.”

But the reality is, those things aren’t always true about me.

Alyssa isn’t lying, though. Rather, she’s speaking life and truth over me. And in a weird way, guess what happens? They more and more start to become true. She’s speaking an identity over me that I then step into.

This is the joy and beauty and amazingness of the marriage covenant. Since we are closer to our spouse than to anyone else, our words have the greatest impact. And when we step into that gift, we can continually breathe life into each other.”

I think that’s beautiful! And I think this is where God can really use us.

Right now, God is doing tremendous work in your spouse’s life. God is shaping your spouse to look more and more like Jesus. God is calling out to your spouse in specific ways. And the amazing and gracious thing about God is that He doesn’t try to fix everything at once. He works on key areas, little by little, as a potter works on clay.

Because you’re his wife, you can likely see what these areas are that your husband is struggling with, and where he is growing.

So can I issue a challenge today?

Call out those characteristics that God is growing in your spouse.

No, they may not be visible all the time. Yes, your spouse may still mess up. But when we declare the truth of what God is doing, we in some totally cool way start to make that thing become reality. We play a part in bringing it to light.

Don’t just call out the things your husband has already won victory over. Declare the things that God will win victory in–even before He has done it! Just like the prophets of old praised God for the victory that was to come, even though they couldn’t see the complete victory yet. They had faith as Paul expressed:

He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it until the day of Jesus Christ (Philippians 1:6).

Ideas of How to Call Out Words of Life Over Your Spouse

Write it on the mirror like Alyssa did!
Leave notes in his pockets or lunchbox
Send him texts
Pray it out loud during your prayer times together
Thank him for one thing everyday, or start a conversation with, “I noticed that you….”
Let him hear you talking about it to a friend, your kids, or your family

Let Me Start…

I’m amazed at how God is putting big dreams in Keith for how he can serve the marginalized communities in Canada.
I’m in awe of how Keith takes such good care of me, and always consider myself blessed to have him as a husband.
I see how God is making Keith more courageous in calling out dysfunction in Christian communities, even when it’s hard.
I love how I learn so much about wonder and excitement and living in the moment from Keith, when I too often live in my head.
I am so impressed that Keith is always a man of integrity that others can trust. I love how I don’t have to doubt.

Now it’s your turn! Go speak love and life over your spouse. Be part of what God’s doing. It matters!

What do you see God growing in your spouse? Let’s talk in the comments!

Does Your Sex Life Need a Pick-Me-Up?
Maybe it's gotten stale. Maybe it's never felt that great. Or maybe you just feel like you're missing something!

10 Things to Know About Porn and Your Family

Porn hurts families.

It’s that simple. Porn is not harmless, no matter how much it may be portrayed as something “fun” or, at the very least, a “victimless crime” (as if those in porn aren’t victims themselves – porn is inseparably linked to human sex trafficking).

I don’t know if it’s all the sex scandals rocking the American church right now, or the emails that I’m getting, but I’m very burdened by the porn problem again. All of these pastors who abused kids in their youth group, or who sexually harassed women–I wonder how many of them had porn as one of the underlying factors? I’d be willing to bet quite a few. And I don’t want to be fear-mongering, but folks in the UK have been grappling with this problem, as a growing number of murders have occurred shortly after the perpetrator watched violent pornography.

Good people get sucked into porn. People from good families. People who honestly want to live for God. But they start watching it, and because of porn’s effect on the brain, they need different porn and weirder porn to sustain the same excitement. So while they may get started with stuff that is relatively innocuous, it’s all too easy to soon be watching extremely degrading and violent pornography. Indeed, most porn on the internet now is very violent.

Porn is serious. In 2016, Utah passed a resolution that stated that online pornography is a public health crisis. Seven other US states and the government of the UK have done the same. The National Center on Sexual Exploitation recently published a policy brief on porn’s public health effects.

I’ve written before about the effects of porn on your marriage and your sex life, but I want to take a step back right now, because what I really want to do is to stop the problem before it starts. I hear from so many wives whose husbands battle with pornography, or who think there’s nothing wrong with it, and in the process they’re wrecking their marriages. And it is so hard to stop.

But what if we simply never started? Prevention, it seems to me, is a better idea. So I’d like to dedicate today in sharing some facts about porn and your family that can help you help your kids withstand porn.

1. Not all teenage boys will be tempted by porn or will use porn

Here’s something to celebrate, before we get into the gross stuff. Not all boys use porn! Yes, porn is a huge temptation for many. But when we present it in youth group as “you guys will all battle with us” and “everyone struggles with this”, we make it sound like it’s something that is impossible to withstand. And not all guys DO struggle with porn. Many do, but not all. In fact, a recent survey of Canadian boys and teenagers found that 60% of boys between 4th and 11th grade never look for porn online (though they may come across it or see it when others show it to them).

I have known teenage boys who have started to look at porn because in youth group that’s all they heard about, and they thought they were weird for not seeking it out. So let’s make sure our message is balanced–yes, it’s a temptation, but you can withstand it, many guys do, and you are better than this.

2. Girls use porn, too.

While boys use porn more than girls, a recent Swedish study of high school students found that 53% of teenage girls had ever viewed pornography and that one in three reported watching it recently. Approximately 10% actually said they’d like to watch more porn than they currently do. A particularly concerning finding of the study is that girls sought porn out because they are curious about sex. This is where people are getting their sex education!

3. Most children see pornography first at home

In a study from Middlesex university, nearly 60% of children age 11-16 reported viewing porn for the first time at their own home. They first accessed porn through a variety of devices: laptops (38%), cell phone (33%), and desktop computers (24%). Keeping our homes as safe as we can is imperative, and there needs to be serious conversation about preteens and teenagers using mobile electronics like laptops and cell phones in a safe way.

4. Children often stumble upon pornography

More children initially stumble upon pornography than seek it out, a recent study found. Peter Wanless, the head of a large children’s charity in the UK focused on preventing sexual abuse (The National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children) told the BBC, “A generation of children are in danger of being stripped of their childhoods at a young age by stumbling across extreme and violent porn online.” And I know this is an anecdote, but it’s sobering nonetheless: a teacher embarked on a study of parent-child communication on porn when she saw an advertisement with a topless woman on the sidebar of a children’s entertainment site on a student’s screen during class.

5. Kids often see porn for the first time at 12 years old

Covenant eyes did a survey that found that the average age kids first see porn is 12 years old and that 90% of boys and 60% of girls will be exposed to porn before the age of 18. An Australian government survey found that nearly half of teens are regularly exposed to sexual images.

You CAN protect your kids!

You can make sure that kids won’t inadvertently stumble upon porn on the internet at your house. I’m an affiliate for Covenant Eyes, and a firm believer in setting up filters for our kids. And you get a month free when you sign up with me!

Check out Covenant Eyes here! 

You can protect your computers, tablets, iPads, and phones. And they have GREAT resources to help you talk to your teens, too!

6. Most parents don’t know their kids are watching porn

Parents often underestimate the extent of their teen’s risky online behavior according to a 2013 study. They found that factors that predicted underestimating these behaviors included: “a permissive parenting style, difficulty communicating about online risks, and household environmental variables such as having access to a private computing space.” Keeping our heads out of the sand is so important, as is talking to kids about these important issues.

7. Porn use is progressive

People may start with the “playboy” type pictures, but because of the effects on the brain, they keep needing new stimulus. Porn use escalates: frequent users will often find they need to use more porn and that the porn needs to be more extreme for them to get the same result. Now, not everyone who uses porn ends up in the hamster wheel of needing more and more different types of porn… but many do.

8. Porn can make boys look down on girls

A group of expert witnesses in a panel discussion with UK Members of Parliament discussed the effects that online pornography has had on sexual harassing behavior in schools. They reported that girls had increasingly begun to wear shorts under their skirts in order to prevent boys from revealing their underwear on the playground and noted that they felt that the increased acceptance of sexual harassing behavior in UK schools is due to the proliferation of online pornography. That’s absolutely heartbreaking.

A review article published in 2017 in the journal Dignity by John D Fubert noted,

“I came to the realization that the secret ingredient in the recipe for rape was not secret at all… That ingredient, responsible for giving young men the permission-giving beliefs that make rape so much more likely and telling women they should like it, is today’s high speed Internet pornography.”

A recent study of boys in the UK found that almost 40% of 13-14 year old boys and 20% of 11-12 year old boys wanted to copy the sexual behaviors they saw in porn videos. And then we wonder why so many marriages struggle with healthy sexuality!

9. Porn can make girls tolerate violence

A study published in 2010 found that over 85% of porn videos include physical aggression. Think about that for a moment–most sex that is in porn is VIOLENT. Dear Lord, help us.

How have we come to the point where something that God made to be so beautiful, so intimate–has become so twisted?

Sex is now a weapon used against women, not something that can bring us together. And if watching that porn gives someone sexual arousal and release (since porn is usually paired with masturbation), then it’s very likely that when you’re in a relationship with an actual human being, tenderness and affection won’t be sexy. Only rough stuff will be. And it’s not just boys who expect this. In 2006, a study was released which showed that girls who viewed porn were also more likely to experience sexual violence. Why? Because that’s what we accept as normal. That’s where we’re getting our sex ed, after all.

10. Viewing porn affects body image

This data comes from adults, but I don’t see why it wouldn’t also apply to teenagers. Women who used pornography reported lower body image in a 2008 study. In the same study, men who viewed porn were more critical of their partner’s bodies. This is a less dramatic problem than increases in sexual harassing behavior, but it points to the fact that using porn trains you to see people in terms of their bodies–what can they do, how hot are they, can they turn me on–and it doesn’t show people to see women as whole beings.

In light of all of this, what can we do to protect our families from porn?

We can’t guarantee that our kids will see pornography, but we can help to foster a home environment that would allow them to come and talk to us if they get into trouble (More on what to do if you catch your child watching porn here!). Let them know that it’s normal to be curious and to be tempted, but that you want to help them avoid some of the more serious consequences of porn use.

And that’s so important–frame it in terms of wanting the best for them, not in terms of wanting to shame them. When we only talk about porn as “something God hates” or “a sin” or something like that, then it’s hard for them to talk to us. But when we say, “God doesn’t like porn, and here’s why.” and give them the reasons that porn is so bad for us, then it makes it easier for them to seek help.

But, to be honest, I’d rather that kids had a harder time accessing porn in the first place–and that they didn’t inadvertently stumble onto something!

Remember: most porn users started because they saw something by accident.

We can’t avoid all accidents. We can’t stop them from seeing porn at a friend’s house. We can’t stop it all. But we can make it less common and easier to avoid. I’d recommend all families check out Covenant Eyes (and you can try it for a month for free with this link!).

Please, let’s stop this and protect our kids’ future marriages and well-being. It really does matter.

What have you done to make your house a porn-free place? What are some challenges you’ve faced? Let’s talk in the comments!

 

 

Reader Question: I Cheated on My Husband–How Do We Rebuild?

How do you rebuild if you’ve cheated on your husband?

Every Monday I like to post a reader question and take a stab at answering it, and today’s is from a woman wondering how to restore a marriage when she was the one that damaged it. Often we talk on this blog about what to do when your husband has had an affair–but sometimes it’s the woman who has strayed!

A reader writes:

Betrayals are not only men- driven. I did cheat on my husband and I won’t excuse here with his depression, tough character, me taking over all of the duties with kids and the house. I did turn into friendship and later affair with another guy. Then told my husband. And this ruined everythig and for a year now we’re trying to glue it together. Unfortunately with his reactions and deepened depression now it seems that fidelity was the only thing he loved in me. We’ve tried church help (marriage retreat- didn’t work very well), couples counseling (therapist switched to individual after three session seeing how much there is to work on, especially on my husband’s side),  I’ve cut contact with the guy, came back to seeing my girlfriends that I completely forgot about and I try hard to save not even the marriage but the man I love. No idea how long will it last, but as my friend put it- you should never give up. And don’t be mistaken- I seemed a perfect wife (working mom, organizer of the house and vacations and pretty much everything, I did not like sex, and I was unable to discuss it), and – oh boy- I am working for the catholic church! Again, all by best to you from the other side of the ocean and simply thank You for committing your life to helping others.

Great question! I have written a number of posts on emotional affairs–here’s one:

How to prevent an emotional affair

And today, since I’m in Australia and trying to schedule posts ahead of time, I’m going to rerun a post I wrote a number of years ago on how to regain trust after you’ve had an affair.

1. Apologies are Best Expressed in Actions, Not in Words

Saying “I’m sorry” is absolutely necessary when you’ve messed up and you need your husband’s forgiveness. But that’s only the beginning.

What your spouse really wants to know is that you are committed to never having this happen again.

So what can you do to show your spouse that you are changing? In the case of an affair, can you suggest moving or switching jobs if it will take you away from the guy? Can you ask your husband if he will share email accounts or Facebook accounts with you so that he never has to worry about what you’re doing? Can you give him your cell phone and give it up for a while?

In the case of money, can you cut up your credit cards and hand them over? Can you download a spending app on your cell phone that you can share with him to show him where the money is going? Can you consult a debt specialist about the best way to pay off the debt, and then make a plan and share it with your husband, with specific goals that you can show him that you have met? Can you figure out how you can take on the responsibility to pay off the debt, and not leave it all to him? Can you get a part-time job? Start cooking more efficiently and spending less on groceries? Have a massive yard sale?

In other words, putting yourself in a situation where you are accountable and transparent to him, and where he can see that you are serious, will often go much further than a simple apology.

2. Give Him Time to Grieve

Your husband is really hurt. His trust is broken. You, on the other hand, are desperate to know that your marriage is going to be repaired. And it’s very hard to stand in that limbo time, when your husband is trying to work through his feelings. You’ve already worked through yours; you’re sorry, and you want things back to normal again. You want to put this behind you.

But you need to give him time to grieve. That is his right, and he needs to see that you have changed. That takes time.

In this period of limbo, throw yourself on God. Spend more time on prayer. Read your Bible a lot. Join a women’s Bible study. Find some people who can help support you and who you can talk to while your husband is working through his issues. That way you don’t have to crowd your husband and put pressure on him.

3. Truly Repent

Remember that not only have you sinned against your husband; you’ve also sinned against God. Work through your repentance with God. Read Psalm 51 on a daily basis for a time, and pray through it. Develop some true humility. That will help you work this through.

And as you’re doing that, you’ll be able to accept God’s forgiveness, which is very freeing. No, perhaps your husband hasn’t let it go yet. But you can feel restored by God, and He can help you move forward with that new humility and that new gentleness that comes from recognizing that you are fallible.

4. Do Random Nice Things

It’s tempting when he stops talking to you or when he reacts in anger to act similarly in return. Don’t. Simply be nice. I don’t mean be luvey-duvey; sending him love notes in his lunch is not appropriate, as much as you may want to do this. You can’t force the romance back. But you can get up early and make his coffee before he leaves for work, without demanding a thank you. You can take the car in for an oil change without him having to prompt you. You can buy his mom a birthday card so he doesn’t have to, and leave it for him to sign.

You can just simply BE NICE.

You don’t have to announce that you’ve done these things–”did you like me getting coffee for you this morning?”. You can just do them. And gradually, as you treat him well, with respect, you may notice a thawing.

5. Work on Your Friendship

Conversation often returns before the real expressions of love, and that’s to be expected. You only start rebuilding trust one level at a time. Once you are conversing again, and you’re able to be in the same room again, start doing things as friends that don’t require a screen. Get out of the house this summer and go on hikes, or bike rides. Play golf. Do a puzzle. Anything! Just find things that you can do together that are low stress that aren’t necessarily romantic. That way you’re not forcing a relationship; you’re forging a new one.

6. Allow Room for Anger

You may think that several months have gone by, and things are progressing, so he shouldn’t be angry anymore. But it’s often just as you are starting to talk that his anger starts really surfacing. Now he may have a lot of questions–what did you do with that guy? Tell me in detail! What were you thinking when you spent all that money? etc. etc.

When he starts demanding answers, don’t say, “I’ve said I’m sorry! What else can I say? You seem to want to punish me indefinitely!” That may be natural, but he does need time to get his questions out. I’d advise answering them as honestly and succinctly (you don’t need to go into a lot of detail) as you can.

Also, avoid the impulse to defend yourself. “I wouldn’t have had the affair if you had shown some interest in me!” Or “If you hadn’t spent so much time on video games maybe I wouldn’t have felt so lonely!” Those are real issues, and do need to be dealt with. But leave them for another time, or bring them up with a counselor. For now, let him express his anger. Once you have talked about his issues, you can say, “I don’t ever want to be tempted in this way again. Can we talk about how to build our relationship so that neither of us ever strays?” Then you can mention some of your issues–video games, for instance. But leave this until after he has had a chance to deal with his anger.

7. See a Counselor

Finally, when major trust has been broken it’s often a good idea to sit down with a third party and talk things through, especially if your husband has a lot of questions, and you providing answers doesn’t seem to be satisfying him. Sometimes allowing your husband to ask you these questions with a third party present can help you figure out how much to share, and can help put limits on how many questions he could/should ask.

8. Decide What to Tell the Children

I’m a big advocate in not keeping secrets. Children pick up on things anyway, and when they know there is tension in the house, but they don’t know why, they tend to assume that they are the cause of it. Telling your children what you did, at an age appropriate level, is likely a good idea. If you had an affair, for instance, you don’t necessarily need to say “I had an affair”, but you could tell a young child that Mommy did something that hurt Daddy. That way you’re letting the child know that you are the cause of the tension. If they’re teens, it’s likely a good idea just to be honest. They’ll find out one day anyway. Before you tell the kids anything, of course, talk to your husband about it. Say, “this is what I’d like to tell the children.”

But my advice is always to be honest.

During the period of time when you’re trying to get your husband to forgive you, it’s tempting to get your emotional needs met from the kids. You’re heartbroken, so you pull them closer. Don’t do this. It’s not emotionally healthy for them. If you have emotional needs, seek out a friend, not your kids.

If your husband sees you accepting responsibility in front of the kids, and not trying to sugar coat things, that will also go further in showing him that you are serious about your apology, and help your husband to forgive you faster.

If you’ve messed up your marriage, the road back can be very long. But so many marriages have found themselves even stronger several years down the road because they have worked through these issues, and they’ve learned better communication techniques and put in place more boundaries. So don’t despair–fogiveness is possible!

And ladies, if any of you have ever walked through something similar, and had to get forgiveness from your husband, and you now find your marriage stronger, can you leave a comment? That will reassure so many of my readers. And if you have any other thoughts on how to encourage your husband to forgive you, please leave them in the comments, too!

Does Your Sex Life Need a Pick-Me-Up?
Maybe it's gotten stale. Maybe it's never felt that great. Or maybe you just feel like you're missing something!

Is It Wrong to Expect Things from Your Spouse?

Is it wrong to have expectations in marriage?

I’m going to climb up on my soapbox for this post and just give a little bit of a rant. I hope you’ll excuse me.

But I see a problem with the way that a lot of Christian teaching addresses emotional needs in marriage, and it’s this:

You can’t expect your spouse to meet your emotional needs. Only God can. If you’re expecting your spouse to meet your needs, you’re putting your spouse in God’s place.

And there’s a corollary to this:

The only way to be happy in marriage is not to have expectations on your spouse.

So expectations are thus seen as sinful. If your spouse is treating you badly and you’re sad, then the problem is not with your spouse for treating you badly. The problem is with you for expecting your spouse to be kind, since the only person we can change is ourselves.

Now, there is an element of truth here. I do believe that the only person you can change is yourself, and so we need to be focused on changing our own behaviour to better the marriage. The contention that I would have is that the change that is required is not that we let go of our expectations; it’s that we learn to handle them appropriately and we learn to express what we need better.

Having trouble with this? Here are two posts that can help!

How a Marriage Goes Downhill: It’s the little things (are you allowing disrespect in small things?)
When Your Husband Won’t Change: Is this the last straw? (Maybe you’ve tried everything EXCEPT what really is important).


Why does Christian teaching often focus on how expectations are wrong?

I think that we’re so scared of couples getting divorced that when a couple has a problem that is difficult to solve, the better course of action seems to be to deny the problem is real. If solving the problem involves one spouse changing their behaviour, and that spouse truly doesn’t seem interested, then we’re stuck. So the only solution is to take the miserable spouse and tell them they’re wrong for being miserable.

Ironically I think that philosophy actually harms marriages far more than it helps. When people are miserable because of how they are being treated, you can certainly tell them, “You’re wrong for wanting to be treated well.” And they may push down their misery for a time. They may be able to throw themselves into The Word and grow closer to Jesus (which is definitely a good thing!). They may be able to find other outlets for their needs, for a time.

But ultimately when we are living a lie, that lie catches up with us, even if we’re growing closer to God at the same time (and I would say that growing closer to God often makes that lie harder to live with). And I have personally witnessed several friends leave marriages after decades of pushing their own needs below the surface, and finally not being able to take it anymore.

And the problem is this: Expectations in marriage are not sinful.

I have read so many variations of “our marriage was only happy when I let go of my expectations.” And some of that may very well be true, because many of us have unreasonable expectations of what daily life will look like regarding how we split the chores, how much we have sex, how often we talk, what we do for hobbies, etc.

Expecting that your spouse will meet your needs in a specific way, or do specific things, if often counterproductive. But that doesn’t follow that ALL expectations are therefore bad.

It is reasonable to expect that your spouse will fulfill their marriage vows.

When you married, you vowed certain things. And a vow is serious! It is reasonable to expect that your spouse will:

Forsake all others (including pornographic images of others)
Share your worldly wealth
Stay with you in sickness and in health
Love and cherish you
Remain committed until death

The vow matters!

It is reasonable to expect marriage to meet some of your emotional needs.

Now, let’s break down what “love and cherish” mean. No, obviously marriage can’t meet all your needs. First and foremost, our peace, security, and sense of self have to be rooted and grounded in Jesus.

But remember that it was God Himself who said, “It’s not good for man to be alone.” (Genesis 2:18) It was God who created marriage because we do need each other’s help! Thus, it’s okay to expect that when you get married, you will meet some of your spouse’s needs and they will meet some of yours. Why else would people marry?

And we do have responsibilities towards those around us. The concept of boundaries even teaches us this. When we talk about boundaries, we often focus on the “negative” aspect–how to say no to things that aren’t your responsibility. But there’s another aspect to boundaries. If you think of boundaries like a fence, not only do they keep bad things out; they also keep good things in. They show us what’s supposed to be inside our fence. And some things we are responsible for–including loving and cherishing our spouse.

If I were to break this down even further, I would say this: It is reasonable to expect that your spouse will care about your well-being.

To love and cherish someone means that, at heart, they care about what happens to you. Therefore, if something is seriously bothering you, then it should seriously bother your spouse, too.

If something is bothering you, it should seriously bother your spouse, too.
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Sometimes we may tell our spouse that we’re really hurting, and our spouse doesn’t seem to care. Yesterday I talked about four reasons why your spouse may not understand how much something is bothering you, and how to present it in such a way that they will understand. I truly believe that for most couples having issues, your marriage would fall into one or more of these reasons. It isn’t that the spouse doesn’t care (because most people, after all, are not cruel); it is just that they don’t understand.

Nevertheless, there are some spouses who truly don’t seem to care about a spouse’s misery. How could this possibly be?

1. Their view of Christianity may be that her needs truly don’t matter

In some of the couple friends I know who have split, the husband had such a hierarchical view of marriage that he truly believed that how he saw the marriage was the only valid position. If he believed the marriage should look like X, and she didn’t like X, then she was wrong and had to get into line because he was the leader.

It wasn’t honestly that he was a bad person or that he didn’t care; he actually cared quite a bit about other people’s feelings in other aspects of his life. He just honestly believed that in order to follow God, they needed to pursue his vision for the marriage rather than hers. And if they started talking about her perspective, they would be stepping outside of God’s will.

2. They may be very immature

All human beings go through different stages of moral development. But not all human beings progress through all stages.

Some people learn to do what’s right because it benefits them and they want to follow the rules. But there is a higher stage of moral development, when we do what’s right simply because it’s the right thing to do. That’s the Christian ideal. It’s when we hand over the lordship of our life to the Holy Spirit, and we allow Him to guide us into all righteousness.

But if you’ve never really done this, and if you’re living at an immature level, only doing what benefits you, then you may honestly ignore what your spouse needs. People who come from very dysfunctional families, or families that were super authoritarian or based on fear, often do not progress through different moral stages, and aren’t able to give lordship of their lives over to God.

3. They may honestly be narcissistic

Finally, you may have a spouse who truly doesn’t care about anyone but himself or herself. I think this is often the conclusion that we jump to when we’re expressing our needs and our spouse doesn’t seem to care, but I also think it’s the least likely. Usually there is another explanation. But if you are dealing with a narcissistic individual, there is very little that you can do.

So what do you do if your spouse doesn’t care? Be honest about your needs.

Fight for your marriage! And ironically that means rocking the boat. It’s okay to insist that your needs matter. If your spouse doesn’t listen, it’s okay to demand that they see a counsellor. It’s okay to call in a mentor couple, even if your spouse resists. It’s okay to say, “You may think this isn’t important and that you don’t want to talk about it, but we are going to talk about it. This isn’t going away, because this is important to me and I matter in this marriage.”

By not backing down like you usually do, it’s going to look like you’re trying to destroy your marriage, but you’re not. The only way to make your marriage better is to not accept the status quo anymore.

Let’s stop this rhetoric that it’s wrong to have expectations in marriage.

Being married means you do have a claim on some things from your spouse. Let’s admit that. And then, if a person is living in a marriage where the spouse honestly doesn’t care, we can at least come alongside them and support them, rather than shaming them for having needs in the first place.

And, please, everybody, ask yourself this question:

Am I ignoring my spouse’s concerns? Am I repeatedly telling my spouse that he or she is wrong for having certain needs?

If you are, then you may be the one with the problem. And I urge you, please, care about your spouse!

Reader Question: Is it Unreasonable to Want Some Affection?

What do you do if your husband just isn’t affectionate?

I recently received a question from a woman whose husband won’t ever show affection. She says:

I take care of the kids alone, the house alone, the cleaning/shopping alone, I work full time and I help him in his business (he’s self employed).  I do most of these because I have to, not because I’m trying to be a martyr. Sometimes I do feel that no matter how much I do it’s never really enough. My husband will walk in the house and criticize that things aren’t done his way.  The problem that I’m having lately is that I try to connect with my husband, by talking, and I also like to hug and kiss him when he gets home, but my husband doesn’t show affection. I have trouble accepting that he pushes me away when I try to cuddle him. He always has good excuses such as he just go home and needs space, he gets too hot if we cuddle, he’s too tired and just wants to go to sleep (I tell him it’s ok to just cuddle for 10 seconds but he rolls his eyes at this, even though he will spend 15-20 minutes looking at things on his phone before bed). I have tried talking to him about how my heart aches, but when I bring this up he just says “oh you’re upset about THAT AGAIN!” Now I feel like my heart is lost. I go trough the motions of life, but I feel like a shell.  Is there a way to accept that this is life? I try to think about it rationally to make sure I’m not making a martyr out of myself, and that I’m seeking God, and that I shouldn’t expect my husband to fulfill my needs. I’m not sure how to stop caring so much about this.

I’m so sorry for her!

The root of her problem, I think, is this: When she got married, she did so because she wanted a relationship. But because they’re not connecting emotionally, it feels as if it’s become a job. She has tasks that she has to do, but there’s nothing beyond it. That’s very difficult to live with long term.

I think how she expressed it is so key as well. She says: “I feel like a shell.”

We all have different emotional needs–different things that we need in order to feel like the relationship is healthy. And they’re genuine needs. As we teach in the FamilyLife Canada Weekend Getaway sessions, they’re like “oxygen”. Without them you feel like you’re suffocating.

And not everyone has the same emotional needs. Some people need security and safety. Some need to do lots of activities together. Some need physical affection. Some need lots of affirmation. Some need sex. These aren’t exactly love languages, though the concept is similar.

What do you do when your husband isn’t affectionate? Find out if it’s that he doesn’t understand or that he doesn’t care!

When we’re not getting an emotional need met, we often assume it’s because our spouse just doesn’t care. But what I’ve seen is that this is rarely the case. Usually it’s that the spouse is absolutely clueless. And that’s important to understand, because one of the best indicators of a happy marriage is that people believe the best. Before jumping to the conclusion that your spouse doesn’t care, ask if it could be that he just doesn’t understand?

Keith and I speak at marriage conferences (we do some on our own and some with FamilyLife Canada). Another speaker couple recounted the story of their first time at a marriage conference (that time as participants). When they went, she literally had had her bags packed, ready to leave with the kids. The conference was her last ditch effort to patch up the marriage.

He, on the other hand, had no idea that this was his wife’s state of mind. He was going to the conference because she really wanted to, but it wasn’t until the second day that he clued in that this conference would determine whether his wife left him or not.

Why wouldn’t a spouse understand that you feel like you’re drowning?

I know that sounds ridiculous to those of you who are floundering. How could he/she not get that I’m seriously miserable? So let’s dissect this for a second.

They have totally different emotional needs

Your spouse may have completely different emotional needs. In our letter writer’s case, she seriously needs affection. Maybe what he really needs is sexual contact, affirmation, or knowing the domestic front is in good hands. If your spouse doesn’t share the same emotional needs, your spouse may be feeling absolutely fine, and may listen to your complaints and assume that they’re far less serious than they are, or that you’re making a big deal out of something small, because they don’t understand how big a deal this is for you.

They’re focused elsewhere–often in “emergency mode”

When a spouse spends most of their mental energy outside of the family, they may miss important clues that there is something amiss with the family.

This was the case with that speaker couple. He was a busy family doctor, who was dealing with emergencies all day (both in the office and with politics in the hospital). He was operating at 120% all the time at work, and frequently brought work home. Because he had trained himself to pay attention to things only when there was a major fire breaking out, since so many things were vying for his attention at work that only the most serious warranted it, he often overlooked small things.

At home, there didn’t look to be any fires. The kids were doing well. Meals were made. Bills were being paid. So his wife may talk about how sad she was, but it didn’t “look” like his idea of a fire. He missed the clues.

You haven’t expressed your need in a way that they understand

Let’s say your spouse tends to only pay attention to something if there’s a “fire”, and at the same time you’re not comfortable speaking clearly. Many women have a hard time asking their husbands for help, for instance. So they may beat around the bush and not say things directly because they don’t want to be seen as “nagging”. Or they don’t make it clear how serious this is because they don’t want to be seen as unsubmissive, and they don’t want to make demands on their husbands. But then your spouse really may not see that this is, indeed, a fire.

They run from conflict because they have a deep seated fear of inadequacy

Finally, someone may interpret any need on your part as a criticism. If you need something, it means that they are somehow “bad”. And being bad is something that they can’t emotionally handle, and so they try to quiet any criticism so that they don’t have to feel inadequate.

I actually was like this for a large part of my marriage, and I’m only slowly recovering from it. Keith can tell me when he’s upset about something, and I tend to minimize it or try to talk him out of it because, since one of my biggest needs is for security, I don’t want to feel like anything’s in jeopardy. I’ve had to grow more mature to see that Keith expressing a need does not mean that Keith wants to leave the marriage or thinks I’m a bad person. (I share a lot more of our personal story in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage!)

All of these things may LOOK like your spouse doesn’t care. But that’s not necessarily true at all.

Tomorrow we’re going to look at what to do if your spouse truly doesn’t care about your emotional needs. But let’s assume that they do care, but they’re just clueless. Let me now share a few quick things that I might do in this situation:

Try to spend some time together doing something

Cultivate a hobby. Go for a walk together. Spend a few minutes a day catching up on what happened today. If you want a crash course on this, I have a FREE email course on how to build emotional connection here.

But the more time we spend together, the more we bring the tension level down so that it’s easier to talk about issues, and the more natural time we have to talk about issues. But here’s the key: don’t ask to talk. That can be threatening. Instead, ask to DO something, and you’ll find you talk more naturally.

Ask him what his emotional needs are

It’s rare that one person is getting none of their emotional needs met and the other is getting ALL of theirs met. You may feel as if you pour your life out for your spouse and they don’t see it, but often the things that we are doing aren’t necessarily filling their emotional needs cup, either.

If you want to start a fruitful discussion about emotional needs, then, ask about theirs as well.

See a counsellor and take this seriously

I have never seen a situation like this turn out well in the long run if it is not dealt with seriously. When you are feeling this distant in your marriage, and when you are becoming a shell, that should be a major warning to you that you simply cannot continue like this. You will make yourself sick, and you are endangering the marriage.

So if the first two steps don’t work, then seeing a counsellor is likely in order. And we’ll be following up more with this thought in the next blog post–about how it is okay to have some expectations of your spouse in your marriage.

For today, let’s talk about this: Have you ever had a hard time getting your spouse to understand what your needs are? How did that conversation go?

 

 

Honeymoon Regrets: What I Would Do Differently

Do you have any honeymoon regrets?

I’ve been spending this week talking to new brides about what to expect when they get married, and I thought it was a good idea to revisit the honeymoon!

When we had been married for about 18 years, my husband and I took a second honeymoon. While the kids were at a two week stint at camp, we decided to go away just the two of us. We hadn’t really been away alone since our honeymoon, except when we spoke at marriage conferences, but that hardly counts because we were working. We’d done weekends, but nothing longer than that. So this was a big treat! Of course, we did see the kids in the middle of the week for visitors’ day, but I needed my kid fix anyway so that worked out fine.

(I actually wrote about some things that I learned from that trip in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex–and my story of the truck stop dinner vs. the 5-star dinner is the story that I end every Girl Talk with–I’ll even end with it this weekend when I give my Girl Talk in Canberra, Australia!)

But anyway, that second honeymoon was WAAAAY better than the first. After our wedding, we paid big bucks to go down to a resort in the Poconos. I had these dreams of an amazing trip, and we took it. But was it really amazing? I’m not sure. There was so much pressure to make it an amazing trip, and we were still getting adjusted to everything (and each other).

Also, it’s kind of hard to go to a posh resort when you’re in your early 20s. It doesn’t feel right, and you’re always nervous that you’re doing something wrong. In your late 30s it’s totally different. At the Poconos lodge, they had four course meals all the time (what fork do you use?!?), people to put napkins on your lap (feels weird in your 20s), and set seating for the entertainment at night. For the comedy night, we were ushered to seats in the back, likely because we weren’t “preferred guests”. Seats were still available in the front at this point. And when you’re 21, you put up with it, but it was weird. The good thing was that the resort had lots to do: tennis, skating, dancing, etc. But in retrospect I think it was just too much.

And, to be honest, the sex is a lot better when you’ve had 18 years of practice.

After our initial honeymoon, we came back to our apartment and just stayed holed up for a week, not telling anyone we were home. We played games and rented classic movies and just had a grand old time. That felt more like a vacation, in some ways, than the honeymoon did.

This trip that we just took was amazing, and it set us up well for these empty nest years that we’re living through right now.

So, if I were to give newlyweds honeymoon advice, (assuming money is tight, as it usually is), I think I would say this:

1. Take a weekend in a nice place.

2. Spend a lot of time just getting to know each other at home, without having to go to work. Keep the video games off (or else play together). Go for lots of walks. Work out. Do something active.

3. If you do go away, remember that you can’t have sex all the time. Honestly. Make sure there’s something else to do, like sports, or hikes, or games.

4. Consider doing the big honeymoon trip on your first or even fifth anniversary, rather than right after the wedding. You’ll likely have more fun, and you’ll enjoy the place better!

5. Remember that right after the wedding, the fun part is getting to know each other. You don’t necessarily need to spend a lot of money to do that. I’d recommend spending the money when you’re more comfortable with each other and things aren’t so new.

Of course, all of this is assuming the couple has not been living together prior to the wedding, and honestly are “getting to know each other”. I know that’s not the case with very many right now, but that would be my advice.

And I have a whole chapter of advice for the honeymoon in The Good Girl’s Guide to Sex! For both virgins and those with more sexual experience, there’s a lot of advice and some great tips to think about.

When Katie got married this February, she actually took her honeymoon with twenty of her in-laws! Her husband’s family was taking their annual family trip and was willing to have them come along for free. Katie was hesitant at first, and asked me what I thought. “Isn’t it weird to go with your in-laws on your honeymoon?” But the deal was that they only had to be with family at dinner, and the rest of the time they’d be able to enjoy the resort.

My response was to go for it! If you pay a huge amount of money for your honeymoon and then you get the flu, it’s a disaster. If someone else is paying, there’s not as much pressure. And that’s so much better.

Now, feel free to disagree, but what is your take? What would you do about this big honeymoon trip? What did you do? What do you wish you’d done differently? Let me know in the comments below!

10 Ways to Reignite a Dormant Sex Life

Is your sex life in your marriage dead?

Last Friday I ran a post with a comment from a male reader whose wife consistently refused to have sex with him. He was heartbroken, and I wanted us all to see what he had to say, because I really think that’s a perspective many women need to hear.

The comments on that post were heartbreaking, too. (I couldn’t participate as much as usual because I was speaking at a retreat last weekend, and then I promptly left for Australia!) But I’m typing this Sunday afternoon, about half an hour before we zip up our suitcases and head to the airport.

Anyway, I was reminded again how big a problem this is in so many marriages. While speaking at the retreat, I had several women talk to me whose husbands are the ones who are refusing to have sex, and if that’s you–I’m so sorry. I hope to write a new series for you soon, because believe me, you are not alone.

But today I want to talk to the women who consistently refuse sex or just don’t think it’s a big deal. And every time he asks wrong, or says something wrong, it gives another reason why they can say no tonight.

Please, read what that commenter said.

And now I want to give you 10 posts that can help you reignite that sex life!

First, some help to understand the dynamics that are now in your marriage.

Why Do I never want to say yes when my husband initiates sex?
We Stopped Having Sex–and here’s what I learned

A reader wrote in about what she learned after she stopped having sex when the babies came. She was so tired, and it just wasn’t a priority for her anymore. But one day she realized that she was seriously hurting her marriage.

A funny thing can happen when you make that realization, though. Sometimes if you’ve been refusing for a long time, and now you want to start having sex again, HE is no longer interested.

When you finally want sex–but now your husband is saying no!

That’s actually quite a common dynamic, and I hope that will help you understand it.

Next, please understand that what your husband wants isn’t sexual release.

I know that this can be hard for you to “get”, because that’s not what we hear. Growing up, we’re told that if he doesn’t get sex every 72 hours, he’ll explode or something. We’re told that if we don’t have sex with him, he’ll be tempted to look elsewhere. And all of those messages get all mixed together in our minds and makes sex seem very undesirable. I get it. I hope this post will help you see things in a new way:

How to talk about Men’s sexual needs in a healthy way.
Why Enthusiasm Matters for men–because it’s not just about sexual release

What men and women BOTH need, first and foremost, is intimacy. Not sexual release. That’s a part of it of course (a huge part of it), but unless we understand the emotions behind our need for sex, sex will always seem shallow. And becoming committed to having a great sex life will be like trying to talk yourself into liking eating liver (men may not like that analogy; many women will relate to it). Until we can understand that sex is for us, too, then having more sex is going to be solely a matter of will power. That’s not what you need; and that’s not what he needs either. So these may help:

10 Amazing things about how God made sex
10 positive things to tell yourself about sex
Why sex was meant to be mutual

Okay, I hope you’re seeing sex in a new way!

Now, how on earth do you start your sex life again once you’ve realized you need to?

Try scheduling sex!

It’s not for everyone, but don’t discount it off the bat. It can take the pressure off and actually make sex more natural when you’re in a really uncomfortable dynamic in your marriage.

Then try initiating sex more! And here are a few other ways–10 ways to signal “yes” to your husband.

I hope those help. You really can change the dynamic in your marriage. If your husband could have written that comment, it doesn’t have to stay that way. It really doesn’t. God made you to truly “know” each other. Don’t turn away from that. It’s too big a gift to miss out on. It causes too much pain.

And it doesn’t have to be that way.

If you’re struggling, please try. Read those posts and pray about it. And I do believe that God can give you that desire for intimacy, too!