Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 110

The Only Attitude Shift You Need: Be Intentional!

Do you ever find yourself frustrated with your life, and wondering how to make it better?

And you think: if you just tried harder, you’d get more done.

If you weren’t so lazy, the house wouldn’t be such a mess.

If you were just better at keeping things under control, like your friends are (and like your mother-in-law likely is!)–life would be better!

Yeah, that’s what we tell ourselves. But I’m willing to bet it’s not that you’re lazy. It’s just that we often live in the moment (which can be a good thing sometimes, after all!), and we don’t always focus on where we want to be.

I want to tell you a story about something Keith and I did yesterday afternoon, and allow me a little leeway, but it relates to the Ultimate Homemaking Bundle. Be patient, because I’m going to make a broader point!

I’ve been talking about the Ultimate Homemaking Bundle for the last few days, because it’s on sale right now (though it’s gone tonight at midnight!). It’s 129 ebooks, ecourses, videos, and printables, which would normally retail for $3648, on sale for just $29.97. Seriously. They can afford to sell it that cheaply because it’s available for such a short time!

And it covers everything in your life from organizing and meal prep to self-care, wardrobe planning, and even faith.

I’ve been going through a lot of the products, and one challenge really stood out to me.

The Date Night Kits gives you printables to create a year of date nights. (They also have some links to some great ideas for date nights!). Keith and I have been getting into a rut with Netflix lately, because I’m on a knitting binge. I love to knit. And so sitting in front of movies at night is great fun for me. But it doesn’t necessarily help our relationship, and things can get stale. I wanted to make some memories!

So I asked him to sit down with me and we’d each create 6 dates to do this year. We printed out their generic date night forms, and away we went!

I honestly thought this would take at least an hour. I think we were done in 16 minutes or something.

On Saturday, when birdwatching for Keith’s birthday, I saw a lovely bakery in a small town about 45 minutes away. I looked up the address and planned a day visiting the bakery and other cool places around our town, buying fresh food everywhere and making some amazing bruschetta when we got home.
I found out when a movie we wanted to see was playing this week.
I googled ballroom dancing in our area. I didn’t think there were any social dances near here. I was wrong! And now we have somewhere to go on September 14.
And Keith and I love board games. So he googled board games–and found a pub where there’s a board game night tonight (and that’s where we’ll be! I’ll post on Instagram!) You bring the board game, and you can play right in the pub! So fun.

I planned a few “selfie” days where we visit all the places that mattered to us in cities we once lived in.

It didn’t take much time. Just a bit of googling and remembering the kinds of things we like doing anyway.

And now we have a year of fun dates!

Honestly, it took about 16 minutes. That was it. But now we’ll be able to build some memories.

I don’t know why we didn’t do this earlier, but here’s the truth:

When we don’t think ahead, we default to what is easiest to do in the moment. And then we’ll never meet our goals.

If your goal is to have a close marriage, then you need to be intentional about creating memories!

Here’s another challenge I did using the Bundle and the idea of being intentional–this time about finances.

I tried to find some great tips to suggest to  you on how to save money with the absolute minimum of effort, using great tips from The Bundle. Here’s what I came up with:

1. Allow yourself to buy the ingredients for a fast and easy meal (even if it’s not as cheap as usual or as healthy as usual) to avoid ordering pizza or takeout.

From: The Perpetually Prepped Kitchen, which lists a ton of great ideas to have meals that take 10 minutes to make on hand at all times.

Savings: $30 a month, or $360 a year.

Time: 30 minutes/month, 6 hours a year, $60/hour

2. Make lunches for your kids, your spouse, or yourself

From: Healthy Lunchbox Ideas for Kids, one of the books with packed lunch ideas

Savings: $2.50/day for 2 kids (and far more for adults!), or $450/year

Time: 25 minutes/week, or 15 hours/school year, $30/hour

3. Find $500 worth of stuff to sell

From: How to Make a Budget Work For You: A 31 Day Guide to Creating a Personal Budget that Fits Your Lifestyle

Time: 2 hours, or $250/hour

4. Avoid one late payment a month on a bill

From: Crush Your Week: The Complete Guide To Designing An Intentional Weekly Routine

Savings: $20/month, or $240 a year

Time: None (you have to pay it eventually anyway!)

5. Make your own cleaning products in bulk

From: The LWSL Ultimate Cleaning Guide

Savings: $75/year

Time: 1 hour, or $75/hour

6. Cancel cable and find more time to connect!

From: Unplug + Unlock: The Step by Step Guide to Conquer Screen Time Battles for Good (It shows you what to fill your life with if you get rid of the TV, too, and what streaming services to use instead)

Savings: $70/month or $840/year

Time: None! You GAIN time with your family! (and you can substitute with Netflix or other services)

7. Plan one date night a month that isn’t dinner out

From: Date Night Kits. A Date-In-An-Envelope for an entire year!

Savings: $30/month or $360/year

Time: 5 hours of planning and prep over the year, or $72/hour

Total: $2785

Total per hour: $96/hour.

None of these things is rocket science (though the budgeting books on how to be intentional with your money can teach you a ton of in-depth tips, and the make-your-own lunches books have a ton of ideas I hadn’t thought of). So why don’t we do them?

Because we’re not always intentional.

This is something I learned early in my marriage when I read Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. It was actually a life-changing book for me, because it was after reading that book that we got rid of cable and I started reading more and writing more. If I hadn’t have read that book, I honestly don’t think I ever would have become a blogger and an author and a speaker. I was simply watching too much television. And then I realized that when I turned off the TV, I had to fill my life with something else. All of a sudden I got much more productive!

But the impetus for turning off the television was this one thought:

Begin with the end in mind.
Know where you’re going. Know where you want to be. And then make sure you’re heading in that direction!

But when we don’t have an idea of what we want our home to “feel” like, or what we want our family to be like, then it’s easy to just keep going from crisis to crisis, putting out fires. Or it’s easy to sleepwalk through life. I didn’t want to do that.

Once I had grasped that thought–that I had to figure out where I wanted to be–I started picturing the kind of family and marriage I wanted. I thought about how I wanted us to be a safe haven. I wanted us to be a place of great fascination with learning. I wanted us to take adventures! And you can’t do that if you spend your life in front of a screen (hmmm….seems I needed to learn that again this weekend, too!).

I added another thought from Stephen Covey that goes along well with that, and it was simply this:

Put first things first.

He explained that we can spend our lives on things that are either important or not important; urgent or not urgent. And the problem is that most things that are truly important, that will get us to our goals, are also not urgent. There is nothing demanding that you do them. So it’s all too easy to ignore them.

Instead, we spend our lives on a lot of things that are urgent but not important (texts and Facebook updates), or just time wasters. How do we start spending our lives on things that are important? There’s only one way.

Be intentional.

So that’s what we did this weekend. I’m glad. I’m finding that as we’re empty nesters, in some ways it’s even easier to get wrapped up in your own stuff, and not really know what’s going on in your husband’s mind or heart. And when I’m stressed or worried about something, my instinct is to keep it inside and try to deal with it, because to explain it to someone else takes too much time. But if I do that too long, soon I feel like I have this whole inner life that he knows nothing about. That’s not healthy! And that’s why we need some dates that aren’t in front of a screen.

Being intentional can save you almost $3000 a year. That’s huge. Being intentional can bring you closer together as a couple. Being intentional can grow your relationship with your kids so that the teenage years are easier. Being intentional can help you create a cleaning routine that makes your life easier.

And here’s the cool thing: Being intentional does not actually take any more time, really, than NOT being intentional. In the case of cleaning, for instance, it still needs to get done. The question is simply WHEN and HOW you do it for the best results. The bills still need to be paid–the question is whether you do it in a way that leaves you no stress and no late payments, or do it haphazardly.

Sometimes all it takes is that mind switch, like I had, where you decide that you’re going to begin with the end in mind.

And if you do that, and you want some systems to help you reach your goals, The Ultimate Homemaking Bundle really is filled with a ton of them. Just head on over and see what’s included for yourself.

Above all, though, know where you’re going. And then make sure you’re on the right road!

Why do you think it’s so hard to spend time on the important things, and to get sucked into time wasters? How have you managed this in your life? Let’s talk in the comments!

 

Permission Not to Be a Perfect Mother

When it comes to being a perfect mother, don’t you feel like we all have these lists in our heads of what that would entail?

And the list is likely pretty long and detailed!

I think that’s because what’s held up as the “ideal” within the Christian world is always that which is at the extreme–and very legalistic. What which has the most bullet points, in other words.

Those who are “holiest” are those who have the strictest interpretation of things. And somehow then it becomes incumbent on other Christians to never present an alternative view.

I’ve talked about this in the past with regards to dating. My mom was a teenager in the 1950s and 1960s when it was NORMAL to date a whole bunch of people–even in her very conservative Mennonite town. The thought of saving kissing until the wedding wasn’t even really talked about.

Today the most “Christian” thing is not to date–but to court. And not to kiss until the wedding. To emulate the Duggars (though they were not the first to do this).

I am absolutely NOT saying that there is anything wrong with this model. I know so many who have followed it and are in wonderful marriages. I do believe, though, that it is entirely up to you–it’s between you and God. I don’t think that it makes you more of a Christian to save your kiss to your wedding–though I do believe that some couples really benefit from this. I also believe some couples benefit by NOT saving it.

But here’s what happens: once this idea enters the consciousness, then people stop talking about any other model of dating because they don’t want to seem less Christian. So all of a sudden it seems like EVERYBODY is courting/saving kissing, and then it’s easy to feel inferior.

In truth, a very small minority does.

We see this in other areas as well. A good Christian watches absolutely no media unless it’s Christian media. A good Christian doesn’t listen to the radio. A good mom doesn’t go on Facebook during the day. A good mom doesn’t let her kids eat Kraft Dinner. Ever. A good mom doesn’t use birth control. And so on. And so on.

And blogs start talking about these things, and then writers are afraid to be real and Instagram their true pictures of “what I fed my kids for breakfast” (which in my case, all too often involved chocolate cake. They saw me eating it, after all; it only seemed fair to share).

I’ve written about how marriage advice all seemed kind of trite because we’re afraid of saying real stuff.

What if you’re allowed to be you?

What if you don’t have to live up to some rules and follow some pattern of parenting to the letter? What if you’re allowed to make your own way?

Wouldn’t that be FREEDOM?

I want to tell you today about the Steady Mom’s Freedom Guide. It’s part of the Ultimate Homemaking Bundle sale that’s one right now (you get $3648 worth of ebooks, ecourses, printables, videos, and audios for just 29.97. But only until Monday at midnight! I’ve been having so much fun going through the resources, and I after reading this I thought some of you needed to hear it today.

Sometimes when we hear about homemaking advice, we think it’s all going to be of the don’t-ever-feed-your-kids-crap-get-perfectly-organized-so-you’re-absolutely-perfect variety. And, of course, the author’s version of perfect is stifling.

What if you’re not like that?

Jamie Martin gets that.  Jamie admits that she lets her kids watch a bit of TV. She doesn’t focus on discipline–she tries to distract her kids and interact with them first, to avert the need to discipline in the first place. She sometimes doesn’t get the housework done, and she doesn’t get through her to-do list.

She concludes like this:

Maybe children aren’t meant to be solved like mathematical equations. Maybe, just maybe, the life of a human being, the life of a family, can’t be encapsulated in a bullet-point list of how-to’s.

And that’s why I’m done.

Done with theories, formulas, and labels. Utterly, completely, lavishly dependent on grace.

Labels hurt us and our children, even if never spoken aloud. We limit their future, their genius by projecting limiting thoughts and ideas over them.

I’m giving up all of it. It adds nothing to our family, but takes plenty away.

Today and forever, I paste these labels over me and my family, over you and yours:

Mother

Child

Grace

Love

Enough.

I think that’s beautiful!

And I want to assure you that THIS freedom is what I want for you in your home–with homemaking, with parenting, with marriage.

It isn’t about living up to someone else’s ideal (even MINE!

Who Does What Housework? The Benefits of Specialization

How do you handle splitting up chores in your household?

This week I’ve been talking about the Ultimate Homemaking Bundle, a collection of 129 online resources about homemaking, menu planning, organizing, time management, faith, and more, that’s available just until Monday at midnight. Everything in it would retail for $3687.47, but you can get it for just $29.97 (they can sell it so cheaply because they only have permission to sell it for five days!).

Check it out here!

Since we’re talking about homemaking, I thought I’d share a little bit of our story.

Figuring out how to split up the chores can be difficult, especially when one person works outside of the home and one person is home all day.

Keith made a comment to me last night that I thought was interesting. He said:

One of the things I love about really busy days at work is that I can get all kinds of things done, and rush around and be occupied all day, but I know what I’m doing. It feels great. I feel so competent. I hardly ever feel that way at home because I don’t know how to do much!

Now my husband is a doctor, so he’s a very bright person. But he’s at a loss when it comes to looking after a lot of the stuff that goes into the house and the kids, so splitting up chores can be difficult!

It’s not like he can’t do housework or cook.

On the contrary! When we were first married, we pretty much split all the household chores. I was no better at cooking than he was, because we both had about the same experience. We often cooked together, or took a few hours on the weekend to clean up our apartment. Either of us could do anything. And when we weren’t looking after the apartment, we were both studying, because we were both in school.

Gradually, though, things changed.

I became more interested in recipe books. He became busier at his studies and his job. When the kids came along, I organized the apartment for all their stuff. I had to figure out a schedule for laundry, because I was now home full-time, and Keith was working more than full-time. I figured out how to keep the kids busy all day.

It’s not that Keith couldn’t do laundry or couldn’t cook; it was just that because I was the one who primarily did it, I set up the systems in our home as to how it was going to get done.

And it was the same with food. I started researching nutrition, and decided to cook a certain way for our kids. I decided to branch out with the fruits and vegetables we were eating. I experimented with new grains. And suddenly, the spaghetti and shepherd’s pie that we used to make together in that small apartment weren’t staples anymore. They’re always enjoyed when we make them again, but I tend to add more vegetables now. I add different spices. I make it more elaborate, and he sometimes feels like he doesn’t know what he’s doing compared to me.

Want to learn more about splitting up chores? Check out this post:  Top 10 Principles for Splitting Household Chores with Your Husband

Keith still does cook occasionally, although when he’s responsible for dinner, he often goes the frozen entree route. He often mops and cleans up when I’m away, to get the house nice for me to come home to. He can do laundry, I suppose, but I don’t know when the last time was that he threw on a load. I use homemade laundry detergent now, and he doesn’t know how much to put in. But if he ever had to, he could. And if we ever need something installed, he does it!

But on the whole, he brings home the bacon, and I cook it.

What happened, I believe, instead of splitting up chores, we both specialized.

We were first married, we both pretty much did the same things. But as time went on, he got better at work and making money, and I got better at organizing the household chores and the kids. It’s only natural. When you spend most of your time in one sphere of life, you become better at it.

That’s not a bad thing. That’s one of the main benefits of marriage. When you specialize, you get more efficient at things than when both of you try to do 50% of everything. You can’t really enjoy this level of specialization, though, if you’re afraid that your marriage won’t last. If your marriage is in jeopardy, then you’re worried about doing everything should you have to. It’s a much less productive relationship. And indeed, in the book The Case for Marriage, the authors show study after study which demonstrate that couples who specialize tend to make more money, have nicer homes, and better behaved kids, because everyone concentrates on what they’re good at and works hard in their primary sphere of influence.

Of course, both parties have to be able to step into another’s sphere in an emergency.

You never want to be in a position where you have to work, but you have no skills, or you have to look after the finances, but you have no idea what accounts you own. Or what if your husband had to cook a meal? But I don’t think we should resent the fact that we’re good at certain things, and he’s good at others. It’s not sexist. It’s just natural.

Nevertheless, if your area of specialization takes up absolutely all of your time, while he has plenty of free time, that’s an imbalance in your relationship that needs to be fixed. If you’re both working, but in different areas, that’s fine. If one of you is taking advantage of the other, it’s not. Are any of you in that position?

You also don’t want to get in a situation where the husband feels that he’s not WANTED in your sphere of influence.

Whatever you do, ladies, never, ever, push your husband away from your children because “he doesn’t do it right”. The children deserve a relationship with their dad which will be different from their relationship with you. Encourage that relationship, even if dad does things in ways that you wouldn’t. I know many women who end up pushing their husbands away because when they come home from work, they wreck the routine the moms have going, or they make more work for everyone, so it’s easier if they’re away.

Don’t do that. If you find yourself resenting your husband when he’s home, change YOUR routine. Include him. Plan more family things, and fewer solely kid-centered routines. It’s as much your problem as it is his if he doesn’t feel welcome.

But beyond this, don’t sweat too much if you find yourself cooking most of the meals and him working more, even if you swore you’d always have an equal marriage. I swore that, too. But my definition of splitting up chores has changed. We both work hard in the areas we’re called to. That’s what’s important, and that’s what makes us tick so well!

One of the things I love most is figuring out ways to do housework faster–and better!

It’s like Ruth Soukup says in her book The Living Well Spending Less Ultimate Cleaning Guide:

I hate cleaning.

But I love a clean house!

Honestly, the Ultimate Homemaking Bundles are one of the reasons that I even have systems at all. And let me tell you a little bit more about what Ruth teaches (and hers is only one of the resources in the bundle!). You can create four different kinds of systems for cleaning: Daily Speed Cleaning; Timed Sessions; Zone a Day Cleaning; or Everything in One Day Cleaning. The beauty is you just pick the one that works for you. Not all families have to do it the same way or look the same way!

That’s what’s so fun about the bundle. There are all kinds of ideas for how to streamline all the different areas of your life. Here are just a few resources to create systems in different spheres:

 

 

The Weeknight Dinner Survival Guide helps you with meal planning and creating freezer meals so that you can get ahead on stuff and not be having a crisis at 5:00 at night when you realize the ground beef isn’t defrosted.
7 Projects to Sane-ify your life helps you be more intentional and get rid of things holding you back from accomplishing your goals.
The Full Year Wardrobe Plan for Moms helps you fight the frump!
Bible Study Methods: 7 Ways in 7 Days by Arabah Joy is wonderful. Find the method that works for you! I love Arabah’s heart and I’ve shared her stuff on the blog before. She’s great!
The LWSL Ultimate Cleaning Guide helps you figure out a cleaning system that honestly works for you and your family.
31 Days to an Everyday Clean Home takes you step by step through your home, decluttering it and making it easier to care for so that your cleaning system can then work
Make a Budget Work for You takes you on step-by-step projects to find a system that works for managing your money
And Crush Your Week helps you become super productive with your time management and goals–whatever you do during the day.

Those eight products alone retail for $145.96, but you get them for $29.97. Plus you get 121 OTHER products to help you in all areas of your life!

I really do love these bundles. They helped me start eating real food, organize my email, decorate my living room, declutter my bedroom, and more.

And when you buy before midnight today, you’ll also get the early bird special of a FREE style challenge from Get Your Pretty On!

Check it out here!

Now let me know: How do you work on splitting up the chores? Do you need help stepping back a bit and letting your husband in? Do you need help getting your husband engaged with the kids? Let me know, and let’s see if we can help each other in the comments!

10 Things You Can Do Tonight to Help Your Marriage–in Less than 2 Hours

Want a new marriage by tomorrow? Or at least a new dynamic and a new freedom and purpose in your relationship?

Maybe all it takes is a little bit of attention in the right direction to fix a problem, get rid of something that’s holding you back, or figure out where you’re going!

This is one of my favourite weeks of the year, because (affiliate link ahead!) the Ultimate Homemaking Bundle is on sale–but just for 5 days. It’s a collection of 129 online products, including ebooks, videos, courses, audios, printables, and more, worth $3,687.47. And it’s yours for just $29.97. But only until Monday at midnight!

Every year the Ultimate Bundles people put together ALL NEW bundles, with resources that haven’t been included before. And there are even physical bonuses that will arrive right at your door, worth more than you’ll pay for the bundle itself. They have resources to help you with time management, meal prep, parenting, marriage, faith, finances–even working from home.

What I love about the bundles is that I can skim through and find a few things that make all the difference to me. Because there’s so much, there are things that will meet you right where you’re at.

And so I made a challenge for myself.

I looked through the bundle (because I’m an affiliate I get access to it early) and I thought: If I wanted to improve the dynamic in my marriage, what projects in this bundle could I do TONIGHT? Things that you could put in place right now that will get you headed on a new route?

So I put together this list! Often when we think about improving our marriage we think of communication and resolving conflict. But I think often the reason that we get in conflict in the first place is that we aren’t intentional with the two resources that matter most: our time and our money. Get these things under control, and a lot of those conflicts will evaporate!

I don’t know where you’re at in your marriage right now, but I know one of these exercises will apply to you. Here are some ideas:

Tasks to Help You Feel Less Frazzled
1. Create an Evening and Morning Routine (from The Essentials: 7 Projects to Sane-ify your life)

Do you know why we often get ticked off at our spouses? Because we spend so much time running around after everyone else we feel put upon, and then when they want to spend time with us it’s an imposition. What if, instead, you could create time in your morning routine to do things that nurture you–and start the day well?

But what about ending the day? I’ve written before about how one of the best things we can do for our marriage is to go to bed at the same time–with a bedtime routine! Seriously, if you want to have more sex, two basic things are required: you need to be in bed, and your spouse ALSO needs to be in the bed. Oh, and you need to both be awake, too!

The Essentials ecourse takes you through 7 projects to “sane-ify” your life, and creating your morning and evening routines is one of them. And it’s easier than you think. She takes you through a process to choose 5 things to do in the morning and 5 things to do in the evening to help you focus. Do this project together–and make new routines together.

Less Frazzle = More Sizzle in your marriage!

2. Talk About Can You Afford for someone to Stay at Home? (from You Can Be a Stay-at-Home Mom on One Income)

In August of 1994 I was on a subway ride in Toronto, heading for work. I was praying not to throw up. I spent most of my life praying TO throw up (because I felt so sick being pregnant), but on the subway, for those 25 minutes with no bathroom in sight, my prayers switched.

In the middle of those prayers, I realized something. I don’t actually need to be doing this. If we cut back on expenses, and if I tried to get some contract work from home, I could spend my days next to a toilet with a cold cloth on my head. When Rebecca came into the world a few months later, I realized I never wanted to go back to an actual 9-5 job (though I have always worked to some extent from home).

We simply would have been too frazzled to have a two-job household. I know for some people it’s not financially possible to have a parent stay at home. But have you ever wondered if you could–or if your husband could? Have you ever wondered if one of you could switch to part-time? Having someone at home can seriously reduce a lot of stress, and I honestly think it’s the best thing we ever did both for our marriage and our family.

You Can Be a Stay-at-Home Mom on One Income takes you through an evaluation process to see whether you can afford to stay at home–along with suggesting a myriad of ways to save money and even earn money from home! (and the Bundle has a section of 10 Work at Home products worth $1302.99 to help you earn money from home!) Maybe this is a discussion worth having with your spouse tonight.

Tasks to Help You Feel More Purposeful
3. Plan a Year of Couple Dates (from The Ultimate Bundles Date Night Kit)

This is the one Keith and I are doing tonight! (I’ll post pictures on Facebook later!) I’ve been wanting to be more purposeful in planning our dates ahead of time and making sure that we spend some intentional time together doing special things, rather than just Netflix binges. The Date Night Kit has printables to plan your dates, and then tells you how to put your manilla envelopes together so every month you pick a new date! And they have lots of links to different date night ideas, some that are free and some that cost some money.

4. Figure out Your Family Culture–and Plan Family Meetings (from Family Culture: Building A Strong Family Identity)

Do you guys know who you are as a couple? As a family? What makes you unique?

When we DON’T know, we can feel like we’re spinning our wheels and growing apart. When we do know, then we can feel like we’re on the same team! It helps you feel closer, even when life gets busy.

Go through this exercise tonight where you figure out the values that are important to you, create a family motto, and even think through traditions that you want to implement.

Take a look at all of these resources in the Ultimate Homemaking Bundle of 2018!

5. Set a Goal for Your Family (from Dreams By Design 2018 Planner)

Often we get upset at each other because we each have a different picture of where we should be heading as a family, and we’ve never communicated our intention.

These goal printables help you Set a goal, then ask—what steps do we need to get there? What habits do we need to put in place to meet that goal? When will these habits take place?

I was talking to someone yesterday who had a hard time saving money because of her husband’s spending on alcohol and cigarettes every month. But if they were to do a goal planning night, where they realized they wanted to buy a house in the next two years, then those budget talks would be much more productive! Instead of just getting mad at him, they could turn the conversation towards “how can we save for a downpayment?”

6. Talk About Your Dream Lifestyle (from The 15 Minute Marriage Makeover)

This is slightly different from setting goals. This exercise helps you figure out what you actually want your family to feel like–and then you can have those conversations that can be more difficult about what habits we have right now that we may need to get rid of. If your husband is playing a lot of video games, for instance, and you’ve found it difficult to talk about it, maybe having this discussion about what you want your family to feel like is a more productive way of addressing the issue. Or if you just spend too much time on social media, or the house is always chaotic, this is a way to address those things without the blaming.

So let’s work backwards. Don’t start with—what are we doing wrong right now? Start instead with where do we want to be? Then you can decide how to get there–and those conversations about bad habits will be much easier.

15 Minute Marriage Makeover gives you 15-minute projects you do over 31 days to help turn your marriage around. And they’re so practical! Creating your dream lifestyle is just one of the exercises, but it’s one I think can bear the most fruit.

Tasks To Help You Feel More Responsible
7. Have an Emergency Budget Meeting (from The Real Life Budget Planner)

One of the biggest causes of divorce is fights over money.

Maybe you’ve tried to set a budget, but you’re just not sticking to it–or your spouse isn’t sticking to it. Don’t let that situation go. Be proactive, and plan an emergency budget meeting! That’s one of the exercises in the Real Life Budget Planner, and you’re taken step by step in how to have that meeting.

The rules: Be Committed: Must be committed to resolving the issues and taking action in order to “reset” your budget. Be in Observation Mode: No judging allowed. This includes yourself, your spouse, or your situation. Be Progress Orientated: Focus on the progress that you’ve made.

8. Figure Out Your Net Worth (from How to Make a Budget Work for You)

Part of getting a handle on your finances isn’t just setting a budget (though there are 11 finance resources in the Homemaking Bundle, totalling $221.92). It’s also getting a snapshot of where you are right now.

I love the exercises in How to Make a Budget Work for You where she takes you through figuring out your net worth. She tells you to figure out your assets—anything that you could sell for more than $100. And include even things that you can’t touch right now, like RRSPs or 401ks or savings bonds! Then she asks you to rate how important each one is to you on a scale of 1 to 5, and also whether that asset is going up or down in value. This helps you to see whether you’re putting your money into worthwhile things, and whether you can sell things in a pinch. (After doing this exercise I realized I have a coin collection I put together when I was 13 that is going down in value that I have to sell now! It’s going to help pay for our missions trip to Kenya this summer).

Then, of course, you add up your debts and figure out where you are.

Tasks to Help You Feel More Confident
9. Plan Your Spring Wardrobe (from The Big Book of Outfit Formulas)

As my regular readers know, I’m a big proponent of “fighting the frump”. I think that when we put an effort into our appearance, it’s not about vanity as much as it is showing that we respect ourselves. And one of the biggest things I’ve learned this year is how to put an outfit together, so you actually look put together, instead of looking like you just threw things on.

The Big Book of Outfit Formulas lets you “shop” your closet to give inspiration to how to create outfits. And there are two other outfit resources in the bundle, including an ecourse you can take!

10. Declutter Your Husband’s Clothes (from 31 Days to an Everyday Clean Home)

Here’s one that my husband SO appreciates. Women are pretty good at weeding out our closets. Men don’t tend to go through their clothes. And a lot of men don’t know how to put an outfit together (some do, some don’t!). My husband’s default is pants and a shirt, because he doesn’t feel comfortable choosing a tie and/or sweater to go with it.

What about spending an evening decluttering his clothes, and then organizing them into outfits? I hang shirts with their ties now, and even put shirts with the right colour pants. But one of the easiest ways to make sure your husband looks sharp, and to help him feel confident, is to get rid of the clothes that he doesn’t need anymore! How does he feel when he wears this? Does this need to be replaced? Toss the stuff he doesn’t need, and organize the stuff he’ll wear.

Decluttering clothes is one of the exercises in 31 Days to an Everyday Clean Home!

There you go–10 exercises you can do tonight to change the dynamic and feel of your marriage. Feel more confident, less frazzled, more responsible, more on the same page. Just pick the one that works for you!

And remember–you can get the resources in this post for just $29.97 right now, but only until Monday at midnight.

In fact, these resources in this post add up to $189.90.

Plus, you get 119 OTHER resources when you order the bundle–even more fun things to do!

And if you order the bundle TODAY OR TOMORROW before midnight, you’ll get a special early bird bonus–you get to choose one of these products from Alison Lumbatis of Get Your Pretty On:

Closet Staples: Casual Capsule Wardrobe Builder
The GYPO French Minimalist Style Capsule Wardrobe
SAHM Wardrobe Basics Builder
2017 Activewear Mini Capsule
Spring/Summer 2017 Girls Capsule Wardrobe
GYPO Spring 2017 Style Challenge
Spring 2017 Menswear Bootcamp Mini-Capsule
Summer 2017 Workwear Capsule

So cool! Let’s fight the frump, friends! (personally, I’m checking out the menswear one. Keith really does love it when I help him). And let’s get intentional about our family and our marriage.

Check out the Ultimate Homemaking Bundle!

Readers’ Stories of Spiritual Abuse at Teen Missions International

Last week I was talking about the dangers of legalism, and I launched that series by telling a personal story of a missions trip I took with Teen Missions International back in 1986.

I talked about how the emphasis was skewed, how the head leaders showed little grace, how the goal seemed to be to break our spirits.

I told that story because I thought it was a good introduction to what I was going to write about for the rest of the week on legalism, but then something happened. Because I wrote that, I started receiving emails and stories from other people who had had horrible experiences with Teen Missions International. Most were just “me too!” letters, but a few told their own stories. To be fair, many commented on Facebook that they had enjoyed their teams (and I genuinely believe that my friend who went at the same time as me, but on a different team, had a great time), but they also acknowledged those weird punishments and harshness of bootcamp.

I started wondering what to do with these letters. I didn’t want to launch a full-on assault on Teen Missions International!

But then another thought occurred to me. Think of the kinds of teenagers who sign up to go on a missions trip. They’re giving up their entire summer holidays with their friends. They’re giving up the chance to make any money to save for college. They’re giving up family vacations. Why would they do that?

I know in my case the reason was quite simple: I loved Jesus, I felt so blessed to have the life I did, and I desperately wanted to go help those who lived in much more dire circumstances. I desperately wanted to do something that mattered, to be Jesus’ hands and feet. And pretty much everyone on my team felt the same way.

They had this seed, to use a biblical metaphor, of a desire to serve. And yet instead of watering that seed, it felt as if Teen Missions saw it as their job to crush it underfoot, because it was suspect. Teen Missions didn’t seem to trust us or believe our faith was genuine. Their teaching gave the impression that we were corrupt in some way, and so we needed to be refined in the fire. And I don’t believe that’s biblical.

Right now there are parents and teenagers wondering if they should go with Teen Missions, and I wanted these stories told, in case they ever Googled it to research the organization. And so I hope you will all forgive me, but I want these three stories to stand. I have no way of knowing if they’re representative of all teen missions teams, although given the feedback I got, it seems many people did question their methods. And these are personal stories; not everybody on the team will have interpreted it the same way or have had the same experience. Even on my team, I think there were some team members who quite enjoyed our team leaders. And because these are memories from some time ago, we may have some details wrong. But I want parents to have a chance to read these and decide for themselves.

Regular programming will resume tomorrow, but today I’ll share three people’s stories from Teen Missions International.

The first is my own–How I labelled rebellious on a missions trip

The second was sent in by a mom whose son was on a team about fifteen years ago. She writes:

We thought Teen Missions International was a great opportunity to get mobilized in missions at a young age.

However, he faced the same nonsensical “hardships” for hardship sake and legalistic authoritarianism (and was also labeled a trouble maker.) His leaders seemed insecure and needing to constantly express their authority. I could tell his letters were in “code” and he wasn’t happy. He received many extra “spiritual blessing” points, which meant extra work detail, which he didn’t mind because then he was “punished” by actually doing useful work (like building a walkway) instead of digging useless holes etc.

But he found the authoritarian structure overbearing and spiritually manipulative and abusive. He “escaped” through the swamp one night and called me from a payphone and then slipped back in to camp. He said later the leaders couldn’t figure out how they received a call from his family the next morning to please send him home immediately due to a family “emergency”…… They tried to talk me into leaving him, but I insisted he be taken to the airport where his flight was booked and waiting for him.

NOPE! Our boy was NOT leaving the country with that leadership! While a bit of a financial loss, it ended up being a great foundation block of trust built in our relationship. Our boy’s heart was so affirmed that his parents would trust and back his discernment. It was a cornerstone in his somewhat “rocky” teen years. He never doubted our love for him after that episode of backing him up and getting him out of a bad situation. So it ended up being a parenting win. However, like you, I have never ever ever again considered sending one our kids on a trip without fully vetting the leadership. So a parenting fail/win on Teen Missions.

(Yes it took a brave and bold “character” to “escape camp” in the middle of the night to get to a pay phone. And yes he would have survived the trip but I am glad he didn’t need to because it was exactly as abusive as you describe.) Although I know the experience varies some by the team leaderships. Even our son said that he he wouldn’t have minded some of the other team leaders. The work mindset and some of the theology was just plain stupid, but his personal trip leaders seemed insecure and definitely ready to punish any questioners. It did not represent the truth of Christ well, in my opinion. I am grateful he was able to discern between legalism and truth and walk away with his faith in Christ intact.

The third is a very detailed description of a Teen Missions International trip to Australia:

I begged my mom to go to Teen Missions International 20 years ago. I saw the advertisement in the Brio magazine. I really wanted to go serve the Lord.

She agreed I could go to Australia because she thought it was a safer country. I remember bootcamp being something that I had never experienced before and it was nothing like what I expected. I hated it. I would make up songs about how horrible it was and sing them to myself as we marched. I remember thinking there was was a clear lack of grace, empathy and love. I was floored that these leaders and staff were expecting me to be like Jesus but no one was acting like Him themselves. While I was there, I knew there was something wrong with the place, but I didn’t know why it was like that.

At Bootcamp, whenever a team or individual did not live up to their standards, they would get an ‘SB’ which stood for a ‘Special Blessing.’ This could be digging holes, cleaning sheds, moving wood and junk around,etc. I remember being furious that they would attach the word ‘blessing’ to a punishment that was so undeserved.

The main obstacle course had a time limit established to it. If a team did not finish within a certain time or made a mistake during the course (i.e. did not call out the numbers in appropriate order or not fast enough, or missed a step, etc.) that team would miss their free time and have to do a SB. It took us a bit of time to get the obstacle course done correctly, so we got a lot of SBs. Plus, we had a couple of people on our team that had great difficulty doing the course because of physical reasons which meant we could not finish the course in time. So we got SBs for that.

During the summer I went, it was during the time in Florida when they had a breakout of forest fires. They were close to us so we did everything in smoke. There was one point during the day that we had to make it from one part of the camp to another part of the camp that took us awhile to run to it. In the middle of our trek were the portapotties and water fill ups. If we stopped for them, we would be late for our destination. But if you gotta go pee, then you gotta go pee. And we needed the water to keep us hydrated with the higher than normal heat temperatures and smoke. So we stopped and we were late. So we got SB’s.

We got so many SBs that they said they were running out of things for us to do. I don’t remember having any free time during Bootcamp.

Another thing they did at Bootcamp was judge who had the dirtiest campground. If it was yours, you had to wear a sign around your neck that said, “I live like a pig”, take care of piglets and clean that bathrooms. We were always on the low end for this. I did everything possible to do what they wanted. I folded my sleeping bag the right way, put my  bag in the right place, cleaned up my garbage, and closed my tent the right way but we were always low. I still don’t know why. Apparently someone was doing something wrong. Our head leader was so embarrassed that he told us if we stayed low, we’d get an SB. And big surprise – we got an SB. We did get the pig signs only once though. We wore our signs and looked after the piglets. And then we were told to clean the bathrooms during our free time. I didn’t even know the place had bathrooms!!! Our leaders only ever took us to the portapotties. I thought other campers were not allowed to use them. That idea was squashed when other campers came in to use them while we were cleaning them. I was not impressed. Why we specifically weren’t allowed to use those washrooms I’ll never know.

I remember one time we were lining up at our campsite to go to breakfast. I had just put on pants from the clothesline and I felt sharp shooting pains. So I ran into the girl’s camping area and pulled down my pants. It was a wasp stinging me over and over again. I heard them yelling at me and knew that I could get into big trouble for this. A couple other girls came to see where I was and started helping me. The leader came, gave me a quick look over and rushed me back to line. I was thanking God I didn’t get an SB.

Near the end of the bootcamp, the preacher challenged everyone to give half of their spending money to one of their needs. I remember that I gave half of my spending money to whatever they needed it for because I had such a desire to help people. I remember calling my mom with the one phone call we had at the end of bootcamp and telling her that I did that. Her response was of shock and then to tell me that I shouldn’t be giving my money away because it was for me. I just thought she didn’t understand. Now looking back, I realized how absurd it was that we just paid thousands of dollars to go on this trip and then they asked for the little spending money that we had too.

[Sheila says: I remember the same sermon on how we should give up our spending money. I donated much of mine, too. They also wanted us to buy these leather bound NKJV study Bibles, which they sold for $60 each (and this was in 1986!). I bought one because we were told it was really the only way to read the Bible.]

During that bootcamp, I learned to cling to God. I learned about His love and rest. I appreciated God’s strength and grace so much more. I learned these things not because they were shown to me there, but rather because the place was void of them.

After camp was over, I learned that each night, one of our leaders would go sleep in an air conditioned place because the forest fires were so close. They had to be ready to warn us in a moment’s notice of evacuation. But they weren’t allowed to tell us that. They didn’t tell my parents either.

On the way to Australia, we had three layovers and it took over 24 hours to get there. They overpacked our carryon bags with canned food and were worried we’d get caught by the airline. So they told us to pack nothing else in them. So I had nothing to read or do on the plane and they wouldn’t let us watch the movies. One of the boys on my team laid his head on the arm rest (which was up). Our head leader was furious at him. He said it looked as though his head was on the girl’s shoulder beside him (even though it wasn’t). He got an SB.

While bootcamp was horrible, I had some really great experiences in Australia.

I think that had to do with a number of things. We were staying at a Christian conference grounds and the leaders of the conference grounds were very nice. They hosted events for us. For example, we had a Scottish dancing night (which our leaders didn’t want to have but the conference leaders sprung it on us a surprise). They took us on a kangaroo hunt (and didn’t tell our leaders so they super mad at us when we came back). The biggest thing: We weren’t supervised by our leaders 24:7. When we went to Australia, we were supposed to renovate their church building. The building was more like one big room. And they already had men working on it. So they only needed a handful of people to help. The rest of us had to do odd jobs.

I remember doing a lot of weeding. Other jobs included helping in the conference kitchen, painting, peeling paint off of buildings, raking, and packaging up the Christian newspaper they printed there. When I was in a work group with a leader in it, it was the same as usual – no talking, get to work, memorize scripture and do not stop working even if you need a break. I felt like we got scolded a lot.

When I was in a group without a leader it was wonderful.

We would get our work done, but we would talk and laugh and have fun doing it. And when we had one of the conference workers with us, it was also fun because they would talk to us and give us breaks. I would try my hardest to avoid certain jobs that had a leader because I knew it would be stressful. I even chose the least wanted job –weeding–because it was very rarely supervised. The whole atmosphere would change with the leaders not being around.

When we were in Australia, we finally stopped getting so many SBs, though we did get occasional ones even though our team tried sooooo hard. Our SB was to pick up garbage on the side of the road. At first it didn’t sound like the greatest thing, but I quickly realized it was a good thing. We formed groups of 2. They took us in the bus and dropped us off on the side of the road, by ourselves, with a great distance between each of us (I couldn’t see the people in front or behind me). We just walked down the road picking up garbage in the the ditch. It was quiet. My back hurt, but we were alone. (Which in hindsight doesn’t seem very safe. We didn’t have cell phones and we were in a foreign country in the middle of nowhere). Eventually the bus went down the road again and picked us all up again.

One of the rules was that we had to say our memory verses to a leader before we could eat dinner. I was horrible at memorizing verses.

One night I just couldn’t get it right. I was outside with my leader, a super tall Texas man. And he couldn’t go eat either until I said them. I do believe I made this man crack because he told me not to tell anyone and let me go in without saying the verses correctly. (Although I think he really just wanted to go eat himself) Our head leader was going off on how important it was that those verses be memorized before dinner. I remember sitting there praying that I wouldn’t get myself and the other leader in trouble for eating before I said my verses. After I ate, I said the verses to my leader after only two tries. I praised the Lord and thought, “How does starving people help them remember verses?”

God was with me, encouraging me in that trip. What really helped a lot were my friends. They gave me a lot of good memories and I missed them so much when I left. Also, a lot of people from home wrote to me. My grandpa wrote me everyday. I knew that I would go home to people who loved me and showed God’s love. And I would never go back to Teen Missions International. So while I don’t enjoy thinking about bootcamp, I really did have some great experiences with my teammates in Australia and with the people there. And I really do think God used your article to show me that I have some healing to do about this experience.

What I find interesting about legalism is how ingrained it is in people, so much so that they aren’t aware it’s there. I see it in my family and my friends. I see it in some of the comments under your articles (and I love the comments that support you). God has opened my eyes to how much legalism is not from Him and how it keeps us from truly knowing God. And this is why I love reading your articles, because they keep showing me what a non legalistic faith looks like amongst a lot of legalism.

I want to let the stories stand on their own, except for three observations.

First, we had six leaders on our team. Three were full-time Teen Missions International Missionaries; three were adults who just volunteered that summer. I loved the volunteers. I think they were teachers. They were there because they loved teens and they wanted to encourage us. The three that were on permanent staff were the ones who felt compelled to crush and criticize. It sounds like this was the thread throughout our experiences. It was those who were with Teen Missions permanently who tended to be the problem. And that makes me worry about the organizational structure and mindset.

Second, the fact that they would call punishments “special blessings” is emblematic of everything that is wrong. God does not enjoy crushing us. God does not punish us harshly for no reason. God does not take pleasure in our misery. God made everything for our enjoyment! (1 Timothy 6:17).

Third, as a teen I was exposed to other Christian organizations–Pioneer Camp with IVCF; Capernwray Bible colleges; Operation Mobilization missions trips. I never experienced ANYTHING like I did with Teen Missions. While I often chafed at rules at other organizations, too, I felt the Spirit of God there and I felt like their focus was on growing my faith and using my gifts, not on crushing me. This truly was a unique experience.

I fully support missions teams in general. We are going on our fourth missions trip as a family this summer. I believe in missions, especially for teenagers, because I think seeing what God is doing in the world and seeing real poverty can be life changing. It will change how  you think about what you should do with your life, and it will change how you see money.

I just don’t believe in Teen Missions International.

I don’t want to write another post about this, so here’s what I’m going to do. If you have a story you want to share, please leave it in the comments. If they are long ones, I may amend this post and post them here, too. This can be an “ongoing” post, if it were.

Our teens are precious. Teenagers can have the Holy Spirit in them just as much as adults can. Let’s nurture and encourage their faith, rather than crush it.

Reader Question: Do I Love My Husband More than God?

We’re supposed to make God #1 in our lives. But how do we know if He is?

This week I wanted to start off with this letter of a newlywed who is overcome with love for her husband–but worried if maybe she loves him too much (that’s a great problem to have! Much happier than most of my questions!)

She writes:

I just recently got married. Yes I was in love with him as my bf and my fiancé but I guess I was kind of holding back because I thought what if something happens in which we parted ways? Now that we are married I’m elated! This is the man I will be with the rest of my life and I can be vulnerable with him and love him and be by his side and share life together. Lately I’ve been feeling like I’m falling for him more and more and my heart beats so fast and I feel like I’m on the edge of the cliff and I want to give in to the feeling or emotion but I’m not sure if it’s completely okay. God has always been number one and I know God designed us this way but something inside me keeps asking is it really okay? Can I really give in to this feeling and be so in love with this man? And if I do, will I still be keeping God first? I believe I’m afraid to fall so in love that God is moved out of the picture.

Do you ever struggle to wonder if God is really #1? Do you ever worry that you might love someone else–your husband or your kids–more? I mean, how do we really know? Can we measure degrees of love?

This desire to put God as #1 often makes us do strange mental gymnatics

I remember when my girls were little and I was worried that I loved them too much, I would have these strange thought experiments, like, “if they died, how would I feel? Would I still love God?” And I would work myself up into such a frenzy trying to experience their loss, just to tell if I actually loved God then or not.

Have you ever done something totally counterproductive like that?

You know what I found when my son did die, though? God was there for me and He carried me and He gave me peace in a way that I could never understand (I explained why I’m okay after my son died). The silly thing was that I spent a ton of time before he died trying to prepare myself for the worst, thinking that if I could get used to the idea of him dying, it wouldn’t hurt as much.

That didn’t help. It just stole some moments of joy that I could have had with my son.

When you love God, He’ll carry you through any losses you bear. You don’t have to prove it by sacrificing the thing you love most.

But maybe the problem is focusing in the first place on who we love more, as if it CAN be measured.

Love Is Not Finite

It’s not like your born with 100 units of love, and if you give 10 away, then you have 10 fewer for someone else.

No, love actually multiplies!

I was worried when Katie came along that I would love Rebecca less. But I didn’t. I just had more love in me!

Me and my girls back in 2004

I think this multiplication process works especially when God is in the picture. After all, God is love. So when we know God more, we will naturally love more. Just because you love your husband does not mean that you don’t love God. In many ways, it could be a sign that you do love God!

God is a passionate God, and He made us to experience passion in our marriage. That passion doesn’t take away from our feelings for God; it actually helps us to experience God more.

The problem is not love, you see. The problem is idols.

Jesus told us,

Anyone who loves their father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves their son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. (Matthew 10:37). 

Spouses aren’t included in that list, but I think it’s because marriages weren’t primarily built on love back then, so the deepest love you’d feel was for a parent or a child. So He was saying, keep me as #1!

But it’s not because Jesus is jealous of love. It’s because Jesus wants to be first in our lives so that we live in the right way. And when we put something else as our main priority, it can easily become an idol.

For instance, if our marriage matters more to us than God, then we could follow our husband into sin. We could fail to confront our spouse when he or she is doing something wrong because we’re afraid we might jeopardize the relationship. Instead of “spurring one another on to love and good deeds” or standing up for truth, we could slink back because we’re afraid of rocking the boat.

It is easy to make marriage our idol. (I’ve written more about the dangers of idolizing marriage, too). Yes, we have to keep talking to God, listening to God, developing spiritual disciplines so that He becomes big in our lives and so that our faith is ultimately in Him and no one else.

But having Jesus become big does not mean that our husbands become small. It’s simply that when Jesus is first, then our main priority, always, will be “what does Jesus want in this situation?”

And I can practically guarantee you that in the vast majority of circumstances, what Jesus wants is just for you to love your husband more.

So don’t be afraid to love. Don’t hold back! Be recklessly, unabashedly, gloriously in love.

The way to tell if God is #1 in your life is not to try to imagine life without your husband or to hold back from your husband. It’s just to chase after God now, too. God has room for you to love  your husband and Him. He knows that the love is not the same. You’ll understand this better when you have children, but my love for my kids does not diminish my love for their dad, or for God. And holding back does not make you love God more.

Just chase after Jesus and keep your relationship fresh. There’s room enough for both–and the more we love Jesus, the more we’ll love our husbands anyway!

What do you think? Do you ever struggle with what it means to make God #1 in your life? Let’s talk in the comments!

Does Your Sex Life Need a Pick-Me-Up?
Maybe it's gotten stale. Maybe it's never felt that great. Or maybe you just feel like you're missing something!

Let’s All Celebrate the Real Men in Our Lives!

What makes a real man?

I’ve been talking all week about legalism in our churches and in our families, and to tell you the truth, I’m a little depressed. It takes a lot out of me, to see people choosing ways of looking at the world that have the capacity to hurt so many.

But what’s been holding me together all week is just how much fun I have with my husband, and how he believes in me and supports me and is there for me when I need him (and even when I don’t think I need him!).

My husband makes my life better.

As I’ve been talking about legalism a lot on Twitter this week, though, I’ve run into some other threads that veer towards legalism when it comes to men. The Stronger Men’s Conference is a huge Christian conference for men in April in Missouri. The trailers for it have been passed around Twitter–here’s one, here’s another. It’s supposed to help men “not be domesticated, but have dominion.”

And it features monster trucks, men wielding axes, men firing what looks like automatic weapons from the stage, lots of fire, lots of motorcycles, and lots of just hyper-masculine stuff.

All of this is to help men follow the greatest man who ever lived–Jesus.

But I never saw Jesus on a first-century equivalent of motorcycle. I saw him on a donkey. I didn’t see him with automatic weapons; I saw him with children on his lap. I also saw him making a whip out of cords and getting awfully angry at those profaning the temple, but I wouldn’t say that he was an over-the-top hyper-masculine guy. He was simply a man.

And what worries me about this “Stronger Men’s” Conference is that it gives the idea that Christian man = NASCAR, guns, motorcycles, and monster trucks. So if you’re not into that stuff, you’re somehow not a real Christian man. And what does “stronger men” mean, anyway? Stronger than whom? Women? Domesticated men (presumably the ones who don’t wield axes)?

Maybe we need a broader picture of what it means to be a real man.

I have three men in my immediate family.

One is in the military.

He rides a motorcycle. He goes hunting. He has a sleeve tattoo. He’s an expert at multiple martial arts.

David believes deeply in providing for his family and protecting his family. He takes pride in taking care of his wife. He loves being strong, but he’s also the one that all of his little cousins flock to. He’s very respectful of women, and he values being super responsible. While he may seem like the typical “alpha male” who likes blowing stuff up and riding big vehicles, he’s also very tender, and he wouldn’t have a lot of respect for anyone who knew how to shoot but who didn’t know how to properly take care of his finances.

My other son-in-law has a black belt in Tae Kwon Do, but he was also a professional dance teacher. He can teach hip hop, ballet, jazz, and so much more. He is so much fun on the dance floor!

Connor dancing at a recent friend’s wedding!

Over the last few years he’s been on a journey trying to discover what career God has for him. He’s learning to be super responsible and is on the promotion track at his accounting job, even at the young age of 23. He’s super good with sticking to a budget and planning so their family can be well provided for. And everyday he loves getting in a suit and looking sharp at work (okay, this is suit from his wedding. But I like this picture!).

Connor didn’t grow up in the church, but he’s thrown himself into their church community, serving on worship teams and drama teams, mentoring younger Christians, and reaching out to others at their church. And he’s so eager to learn more about theology. We have the best talks with him!

Because he didn’t grow up in church, though, and because and he didn’t grow up with lots of young siblings or cousins, he didn’t have experience with babies. But lately some of their friends have been having babies, and Connor’s realized he’s really good with babies. And he practices on their dog.

He’s so looking forward to being a dad! And his goal is to work half time, and have his wife work half time, so that they both can be with their kids.

And he loves his wife. In fact, he’s been the reason that several of Rebecca’s friends have broken up with the men in their lives–because those men haven’t respected them the way that Connor respects Rebecca. He shows people everyday what it means to cleave to your wife.

Then there’s my husband.

My husband has never been hunting, though he can chop wood when we’re camping, and he’s great at setting up camp and canoeing in the wilderness. He doesn’t like monster trucks. He doesn’t watch sports (not even hockey or curling). He doesn’t have a black belt in anything, but he’s not a bad dancer. He’s a real Canadian–he can spend all day outside even when it’s -25. He’s awesome with kids (he’s a pediatrician, after all!).

Keith with our daughter Katie back in 2000.

When he was a little boy, rather than playing hockey in the driveway like most Canadian kids, Keith read the encyclopedia set.

Even today, he challenges himself to learn new languages (he taught himself Swahili, and has used it in Kenya. Blogger Ngina from Intentional Today met him in person and can testify that he’s not half bad!). He learned ancient Greek so he can read the New Testament in its original. We have scientific textbooks all over the house, along with deep theological ones. He loves thinking about things.

For years my husband worked about 100 hours a week, because he spent so much time on call. On Katie’s second birthday Keith wasn’t actually on duty, but the hospital begged him to come in anyway. A 13-month-old toddler had arrived, unresponsive, from being shaken. Keith attempted several difficult life saving measures while awaiting transport to a tertiary care centre. A year later, Keith was on the witness stand testifying against the boy’s mother’s boyfriend, who was charged in his murder. My husband did everything he could to try to save him. And he still carries that grief with him. That’s a real man.

If you’re 26 weeks pregnant, and you’re in labour with a premature baby, you want my husband to be in the room with you. He’ll calm you down, take control, and save your child’s life.

Keith checking out a patient at our clinic on a missions trip in Kenya

My husband may not ride a motorcycle, but he has saved countless tiny babies–and many bigger kids, too. He has counselled suicidal teenagers, poured over medical textbooks trying to diagnose strange diseases, and comforted parents when their children didn’t make it (and attended funerals and cried at home later, too).

He knows more about science and philosophy and theology than anyone I know. He calms me down. He is my rock.

He seriously can’t cook (does that mean he’s not domesticated?), and I prefer that I do the laundry, but he’s really good at cleaning bathrooms!

And he loves nature. And he’s an amazing photographer.

He loves birds, and he’s already planned out our route in Australia when we’re there for the month of May (I’m speaking four times, and we’re birding other than that!).

One of my husband’s photos!

My husband has recently taken a step back from work, reducing his hours so he can support me and be more on the road with me. He’s proud of me, and wanting to see where God takes me does not threaten him in the least. He takes care of details so I don’t have to worry about them (and also so I don’t mess them up, because I would.) My husband is organized. Having him around helps me not have to worry.

When I am stressed because of debates on the blog, my husband can talk me down. He can ask me questions that help me realize what’s important, and show me that I don’t have to fret.

He puts his hand on me and prays every night as we’re falling asleep. Often not out loud, but I know he’s doing it. He gets up in the morning and he reads a few chapters of the Bible before I’m awake. And he loves mentoring new doctors and new medical students.

He will get up on the stage beside me at marriage conferences, and he doesn’t hold back from sharing about some of the mistakes that we have made along the way, because ministering to people about Jesus and being authentic is way more important to him than preserving some perfect image.

Speaking at a FamilyLife Conference in 2015

He is wrestling right now with what God wants him to do with the rest of his career. We have so many options and so much flexibility, and he is praying about getting more involved in overseas missions, or doing more medical work and marriage work in some of Canada’s First Nations communities. He wants to go where God is calling him.

And he is generous. He believes deeply in sharing what God has given us to benefit those who live in desperate circumstances–especially children in the sex trade all over the world.

All three men in my life are different. All love God, but all show it in different ways. And all are real men.

And so I thought today that we could celebrate the real men in our lives–the strong men in our lives–for seeking out God and showing Jesus in their own unique ways.

Will you do that with me? Will you leave a comment on how your husband is a strong man, and a real man? Whatever that looks like in your family, let’s be grateful for it! Because I am grateful for the men in my life, and how they love the women in their lives, even if it may look different.

Does Your Sex Life Need a Pick-Me-Up?
Maybe it's gotten stale. Maybe it's never felt that great. Or maybe you just feel like you're missing something!

How To Not Be a Legalistic Parent

Are you a legalistic parent?

I sure hope you’re not! And I’m pretty sure you hope you’re not one, too! None of us wants to be legalistic. Most of you reading my blog l want great, authentic and God-honouring relationships with your kids.

This week I’ve been talking about legalism–being in a legalistic church; having a legalistic view of marriage. But nowhere can legalism hurt more than in our parenting.

I think the reason that so many of us veer that way is because we’re taught in church that children are bad and they need to be taught how to be good. So kids are seen as these evil creatures that will get out of hand if we don’t teach them to obey.

But while it’s true that we are all born in original sin, it’s also true that we’re all created in the image of God. And, honestly, I think kids are pretty great! The person who has done the most research into this, though, isn’t actually me. It’s my daughter Rebecca, whose book Why I Didn’t Rebel came out last October. She looked at what parenting practices were most likely to result in kids having a genuine and authentic relationship with Christ, and which ones would push them away.

And one of the commonalities that pushed kids away? Legalism in our parenting! When we focus on the outward rather than the inward, we cause a lot of problems.

The good news? It’s actually pretty easy to solve. So I’ve asked Rebecca to join us today and share a few quick signs that you’re moving towards legalism–and some quick ways to come back to authentic relationship!

How do you tell if you’re a legalistic parent?

Like my mom said earlier, I did a ton of research when I was writing my book, Why I Didn’t Rebel, and I found that legalistic parenting styles that seemed to follow a lot of popular Christian teaching actually made kids less likely to follow God, and more likely to rebel!

So how do you make sure you’re NOT being a legalistic parent? I’ve put together 6 of the common differences for you to see where your parenting style falls:

1. Legalistic parents focus on obedience; non-legalistic parents focus on character.

When a kid does something wrong, how is the behavior framed?

If the child is late for dinner when they were called, was the problem that they put their own wants over other peoples’ schedules, or that they were disobedient?
 If a child didn’t clean their room, what’s the real issue? That they didn’t live up to their responsibilities, or that they were disobedient?
If a child won’t play with a sibling, is the problem that your child is being unloving, or that they are being disobedient?

In other words, are you addressing character issues, or just getting your kids to do what you say?

What is the lesson you really want your child to learn here? Because if the lesson is “do what mommy says,” that isn’t going to help them when you’re not around. The goal isn’t obedience–the goal is the ability to make good decisions. Teaching obedience is part of that, but it’s not the final goal.

2. Legalistic parents can’t be questioned; non-legalistic parents are excited by questions.

“Why do we have to go to church every Sunday? Sammy gets to sleep in!” isn’t a question that should be punished–it’s an opportunity for conversation (and a really amazing one at that!)

Legalistic parents get frightened or angry at questions that counter their belief systems. Non-legalistic parents get excited because it gives them an opportunity to talk to their kids about the important things.

3. Legalistic parents often don’t have reasons for their rules; non-legalistic parents will throw out a rule if it doesn’t make sense to them.

In legalistic families, kids can rattle off all the rules that their parents have. And often the rules don’t make sense (or at least haven’t been explained). They can’t always answer, “Why?” if someone asks why they have to follow a certain rule. Their parents use the phrase “because I said so,” or “because I’m the parent.”

Non-legalistic families, however, see rules as “guidelines” more than laws set in stone. If a kid questions a rule and has a good reason for why he or she shouldn’t have to follow it, the parents are happy to throw out that rule. For example, when I was growing up we had a no video-chatting with boys rule. But then I met some people who lived in the US, that rule got scratched because it wasn’t fair that I couldn’t talk to my friends (and my parents knew they were good guys, too!).

4. Legalistic parents won’t give up control, even in petty issues; non-legalistic parents try to find a middle ground.

Legalistic parents see arguments as power-struggles; it is paramount that they never give in or apologize, because they might lose control. Most fights are very heated and the child walks away not feeling heard.

Non-legalistic parents, on the other hand, don’t try to control their kids. Instead, they voice their concerns, fears, and hopes for their child and hear their child’s point of view. The goal is to come to a decision together–not tell their kid what they must do.

5. Legalistic parents focus on punishment; non-legalistic parents focus on discipline.

Punishment is about adding something negative that makes the child sorry for what he or she has done. Excessive spanking, groundings, or heaping on punishment after punishment for minor infractions like not cleaning their room, for example, would fall in this category.

Non-legalistic families rarely, if ever, punish. Instead, they discipline. Discipline is about teaching kids what to do instead, and doesn’t heap on excess hardship, but allows kids to feel the natural repercussions of what they did.

They didn’t clean their room? Well, then they have to clean their room and the living room later because they inconvenienced others by leaving their smelly socks all over the house. Texted more than their plan included? They have to pay for the balance themselves. Wouldn’t hurry and come when they needed to leave the house and made sister late for a party? Then they have to do sister’s chores the next day. They stole time from her, so now they have to give it back. (My mom’s got a great article on 10 alternatives to spanking that lists a ton of ways to give consequences rather than punishments!).

6. Legalistic parents don’t allow their kids to make their own decisions; non-legalistic parents encourage personal responsibility.

Legalistic parents control their children’s decisions because they are afraid their kids will make mistakes. They’re scared, so they clamp down. What will people think? Do we have it all together? What if it all goes wrong?

Non-legalistic parents, on the other hand, have faith that their kids can make good decisions and so encourage personal responsibility. If their child does something wrong, it doesn’t cause an identity crisis for the parent. These parents use the teenage years to train their kids to make good decisions on their own and take responsibility for their actions–not just do what they’re told.

The common thread here is the focus on inward character rather than outward behaviour. Legalistic parents try to make sure the child conforms to expectations and to rules. Non-legalistic parents try to help the child develop inner character so that he or she can make good decisions all alone!

What would you add to this list? Did you grow up in a legalistic or non-legalistic family? Let’s talk about it in the comments below!

Are You Following a Legalistic View of Marriage?

Is your view of marriage focused on relationship and intimacy, or rules and legalism?

This week we’re talking about the dangers of legalism. I shared my story of a summer missions trip with a legalistic organization, and yesterday for Top 10 Tuesday we looked at the 10 signs your church or Christian community may be legalistic.

Now, every Wednesday we always talk marriage, and so today I want to turn that discussion towards marriage and ask, “how do we know if we’re following a legalistic view of marriage?”

First, a few basic things. Something can be called legalistic when it judges success based on obedience to rules, rather than cultivating authentic wholeness. When outward appearance is stressed more than inward qualities, then the relationship is legalistic.

Let’s take a different example to show what I mean. Tomorrow we’ll be looking at whether your parenting practices border on legalistic or not. As I talked about recently in my post on whether we have to teach kids they’re sinners, if your main motivation is getting kids to obey you, rather than on teaching kids to learn what’s right on their own, then you may be veering into legalism. One approach focuses on making sure kids outwardly obey; the other approach focuses on raising kids who will have the discernment to choose what is right. It’s training the heart versus training the behaviour.

Can this translate into marriage?

I think it can. So let’s talk first principles for a second. God created marriage to be an intimate relationship where we share our bodies and souls with each other. We share a purpose. One of my favourite marriage verses doesn’t look like a marriage verse, but I pray it for my kids and their marriages all the time:

And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds (Hebrews 10:24)

Isn’t that beautiful? And we also feel connected and loved!

The goal of marriage is to feel like you’re one.

You want to feel like you are truly intimate and connected, and with that connection, you want to glorify and serve God together. And as Gary Thomas said so well in his book Sacred Marriage, marriage is the vehicle that God uses to help us grow more like Him. We learn to be less selfish and more giving. Marriage refines us so that we learn to give, and in so doing, we grow in oneness.

That would be considered the “inward” condition that we want to achieve.

Now let’s work backwards for a minute.

If the goal is intimate oneness where we reflect Jesus and serve Him together, what is necessary to achieve that?

First, we need to be fully known and understood. You can’t feel like you’re one with someone who doesn’t know you. Thus, you both must be able to share your thoughts, feelings, and dreams freely.
Second, we need to feel loved.
Third, we need to be connecting regularly, emotionally, sexually and spiritually. We are three-fold beings, so to feel like we’re one involves cultivating all aspects of our relationship.
Fourth, when there are things that may hinder oneness, like conflicts, or hurts, these must be dealt with effectively so that we feel in unity once again. They can’t merely be swept under the rug. We must MAKE peace, not just KEEP peace, because, as I explained in detail in Thought 6 of 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, you can’t have oneness if you’re focusing on being a peacekeeper. You have to deal with problems.
Fifth, we need to serve one another. Both spouses must feel supported, because we both need each other. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 says:

Two are better than one,

    because they have a good return for their labor:

10 If either of them falls down,

    one can help the other up.

But pity anyone who falls

    and has no one to help them up.

11 Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.

    But how can one keep warm alone?

12 Though one may be overpowered,

    two can defend themselves.

A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

All right. That’s what oneness looks like.

So how can this oneness go off track? 

If one person’s needs are deemed to be more important than another person’s needs, then oneness is impossible to achieve.

That’s it in a nutshell. You can’t have oneness if one person is doing all of the giving, and another all of the receiving. If the relationship is out of balance, then you can’t share your real needs, so you can’t be fully known. That also means you can’t truly make peace. All you can do is shove things under the rug and try to keep peace.

Every time we put things under the rug and refuse to deal with an issue, we are focusing on outward appearances at the expense of inward truth.

Do you understand that? When we are focused on keeping the marriage looking as if it is healthy, rather than taking the steps to actually make the marriage happy, then we are focusing on the outward.

Some of you may have had alarm bells go off already in reading that. Then here’s the next part. Focusing on the outward does not, in and of itself, make a marriage legalistic. However:

If what you believe about marriage results in you sweeping things under the rug rather than dealing with them, then you are likely following a legalistic view of marriage.

I’ve written a ton on submission on this blog, and I actually think I may take some of the most important posts and rerun them for a whole week later this month because it’s worth revisiting. And I wrote a lot about submission in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage.

What I have seen in many Christian circles, though, is that the definition of submission that is taught is that the husband makes the decisions, and the wife follows. Here’s where things get especially tricky. If you believe that what God wants most is that the husband makes the decisions, then the biggest goal for marriage stops being oneness and starts being a particular way to live out the marriage partnership.

Then we may add more rules to it, too: He has to look after the finances while she stays at home with the kids. He has to work full time while she is at home full time. She has to do all the cooking and childcare; he has to mow the grass. It’s less about who has what interests or giftings and more about doing things in one particular way. Suddenly instead of trying to ask, “how can we best achieve oneness?”, we’re asking, “How can our marriage look like everyone’s telling us it should look like?”

So let me ask you this question: What is the goal of your marriage?

If the answer to that question focuses on roles, like “becoming the woman my husband needs” or “encouraging his leadership” or even “living out God’s model for marriage”, then you’re being legalistic. You’re focusing on the outward rules as goals, rather than the inward reality. You’re mixing up means with ends.

When we make them our goals, too often we sabotage oneness.

If your goal is to “become the wife your husband needs”, for instance, then you may sweep your own needs under the rug, and prevent him from really knowing who you are. That doesn’t build oneness.

If your goal is to submit to his leadership, you may stop praying together and wrestling to find God’s will, and you may start to equate following your husband’s will with following God’s will. That’s not going to bring proper oneness, either.

If your goals in marriage are to live out proper roles, then instead of learning how to resolve conflict and make peace and love one another as you need, you may focus on what marriage is supposed to look like. Then you’ll grow emotionally distant, even as you may look like the model couple in your church.

Let me leave you today with this prayer from Romans 15:5-6:

Now may the God who gives perseverance and encouragement grant you to be of the same mind with one another according to Christ Jesus, 6so that with one accord you may with one voice glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.

In marriage, may we be of the same mind with one another–having the mind of Christ Jesus (Philippians 2:1-11).  May we be of one accord, because we have achieved real oneness. And may we use that oneness to then, with one voice, glorify our Lord and Saviour.

That’s what real marriage should look like. You serve each other, you love and respect each other, you look out for each other–so that you can have real oneness serving God. Please, don’t accept a cheap substitute that may look shiny, but that isn’t real.

Have you grown up in a Christian community with a legalistic view of marriage? What has that done to your own relationship? Let’s talk in the comments!

 

Top 10 Signs You’re in a Legalistic Church

Are you in a legalistic church? How can you know?

Yesterday I shared my experience with Teen Missions International back in the summer of 1986. It was very focused on authority and rules, and had very little grace.

And it was life sapping. Jesus, on the other hand, came to give us life, and to give it to us abundantly (John 8:32).

It’s the Easter season, and so it’s a great time to focus on what it means to live abundantly rather than under rules. Also, this is something I’m super passionate about, because so many of you who read this blog have sexual issues because of a history of legalism either in your church or in the way you were taught about sex and marriage. So I thought I would look this week at how to make sure that we’re not being led astray by dangerous philosophies or by dangerous groups.

And this is a serious thing! Like Paul said to the Galatians about legalism:

6 I am astonished that you are so quickly deserting the one who called you to live in the grace of Christ and are turning to a different gospel— 7 which is really no gospel at all. Evidently some people are throwing you into confusion and are trying to pervert the gospel of Christ. 8 But even if we or an angel from heaven should preach a gospel other than the one we preached to you, let them be under God’s curse! 9 As we have already said, so now I say again: If anybody is preaching to you a gospel other than what you accepted, let them be under God’s curse! (Galatians 1:6; NIV)

When we put up rules that replace grace in salvation, we sap life, we don’t give life. And that does not make Jesus happy!

So let’s look at 10 signs that the Christian community you’re in may be more focused on rules than on Jesus.

And I think I’m going to borrow from Jeff Foxworthy’s “you might be a redneck if” and do “you might be in a legalistic church if…” See if these resonate (and I sure hope for your sake that they don’t!). And while I’m talking about legalistic churches, this applies just as much to legalistic homeschooling groups, camps, or parachurch organizations. Here goes!

1. You might be in a legalistic church….if legitimate questions are framed as a faith issue

Have you ever been in a Sunday School class where the teacher asked a question, but there was really only one right answer? Gets boring awfully quickly, doesn’t it?

In many church cultures you can’t ask legitimate questions without receiving a tsk tsk or a worried look. If people can’t ask legitimate questions, then they can’t wrestle through issues and find God’s truth for themselves. Jesus embraced questions; legalistic churches silence them.

2. You might be in a legalistic church….if there’s no room for respectful disagreement

Is every issue a gospel issue? If disagreeing on a single thing means that you’re not saved, then people can’t disagree.

I love this quote that has been attributed to Augustine.

“In essentials, unity; in non-essentials, liberty; in all things, charity.”

If it’s in the Apostle’s Creed, then, yes, we must agree. If it’s not in the Apostle’s Creed, then let’s give each other freedom to believe other things. And in everything, let’s love each other, not judge each other.

To me, the classic current example is the 7-day old earth debate. That is not part of the Apostle’s Creed, and I know true Christians on both sides of the debate. But when you make believing a Young Earth, 7-day creation part of the gospel, then you inadvertently tell people that they’re not Christians just because they may believe something non-essential that’s different from you. We all have opinions on things, and that’s fine. But those opinions are just that–opinions. They do not mean that those who disagree are not Christian when it is not an essential issue.

3. You might be in a legalistic church….if they define things as “sin” that are simply differences of opinion

A friend of mine was once in a youth group where the leader taught that using a musical instrument was “sin”–anything other than a capella singing was wrong. At least they weren’t making it into a gospel issue (you could still be a Christian if you played the guitar), but they still called it sin.

Instead of piling on the sins, let’s look at how we can grow in love to others. Certainly some things are sins with no wiggle room. But not everything is a sin. And, indeed, the Bible actually says that those who view more things as sin are actually more IMMATURE in the faith, not more mature in the faith. In Romans 14, Paul writes about differences of opinion, saying that we should honour those whose faith is weaker.

Accept the one whose faith is weak, without quarreling over disputable matters. 2 One person’s faith allows them to eat anything, but another, whose faith is weak, eats only vegetables.

The weak one is the one with more rules! So be careful.

4. You might be in a legalistic church…if your church insists on a certain political stance

If your pastor tells you who to vote for, or insists that politics is a gospel issue, then the church may be legalistic. And don’t think that this mistake is only on the political right! I’ve seen it just as much on the political left. I believe that our faith must influence how we vote, absolutely. But I also believe that true Christians can have disagreements on politics. If your church merges with politics, that’s a red flag for legalism.

5. You might be in a legalistic church…if your church emphasizes who is “in” and who is “out”

Does your church take pride in being on the “inside track” with God? Do sermons and other teachings revolve around what is wrong with other so-called Christians, and how they aren’t true believers? Does your church insist on doing ministry on its own, or does it partner with other churches and denominations and charities? Again–this stance is present both on the right and the left.

Every Sunday my pastor prays for all the other churches worshipping God in our hometown, acknowledging that we are one body of Christ. Legalistic churches can’t do that, because they believe their rules matter too much.

6. You might be in a legalistic church….if constructive criticism is seen as a pride issue

All leaders will make mistakes. Godly leaders welcome feedback to hold them accountable. Legalistic leaders label any attempt to bring things to their attention as “rebellious”. And those who do brings things to the leaders’ attention are often gossiped about, maligned, or marginalized. My aunt and uncle were once expelled by a spiritually abusive pastor for trying to rein in his controlling behaviour. He was finally forced out of the church, but he left many hurt people in his wake.

Since the main goal of legalistic churches is getting people to follow their rules, then legalistic churches must maintain control of those in their congregation. Criticism simply can’t be tolerated, or else the rules themselves could be questioned.

7. You might be in a legalistic church if…obedience to established authority is seen as the same as obedience to God

Because legalistic churches demand control and authority, they often present obedience to established authority as the equivalent of obedience to God. So:

children must obey parents;
wives must obey husbands;
congregants must obey small group leaders, elders,
everybody must obey pastors!

More attention is focused on getting people to follow authority than it is on talking about what loving Jesus would look like.

Following authority is portrayed as more important than listening to the Spirit (because the Spirit would never tell you to do anything that went against authority). This leaves very little room for the Spirit to move, and teaches people not to practice spiritual discernment.

8. You might be in a legalistic church if…the sins most preached about are focused on the failings of the congregants in lower standing, rather than those in a higher standing.

Does your church focus more on railing against women’s immodesty than it does talking about men’s lust? Does your church talk more about children’s disobedience than it does the propensity of leaders to become prideful? Does your church focus on rebellion rather than on bullying behaviour? How about defining pride as what people exhibit when they disagree with authority, rather than what people exhibit when they are in authority? If it does–major red flag!

9. You might be in a legalistic church if….people are judged by the content of their theology rather than by the fruit that they demonstrate

Jesus said you know them by their fruit, but legalistic churches do not ask “What fruit are they showing?”. Instead, they insist most on doctrinal purity over demonstrated love.

The Together for the Gospel conference is the perfect example of this. For years, they covered for and promoted CJ Mahaney from Sovereign Grace Ministries, despite the fact that CJ has credibly been accused of covering up child sex abuse. But he preached the same doctrine that TGC preaches, so those in Together for the Gospel didn’t seem to care (and Al Mohler joked about the sex abuse cover up allegations from the stage). While CJ has had to withdraw this year, the other speakers have not issued statements or publicly agreed with Christianity Today’s call for an independent investigation.

10. You might be in a legalistic church if…there is a highly simplistic view of blessing and cursing

Finally, how does a legalistic church or a legalistic Christian culture keep its members? It tells them:

You will be happy and successful in life if you follow our rules,
You will be punished if you don’t, and if your life is bad it’s likely because you are being bad

Thus, it is fear that keeps people involved, rather than love, devotion, or a shared sense of purpose.

Legalism is poisonous. Yes, there is always a balance, and we are to live a holy life. But we are also to be discerning, and allowing someone else to determine what you are to think, what you are to do, and what you are to believe is antithetical to the gospel. Christianity is not a set of rules; it is a relationship with the risen Christ.

I want to leave you with Paul’s words from Romans 8:14-16:

For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God. 15 The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.” 16 The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children.

When you embrace Christ, you are a child of God. If your church does not promote your spiritual growth, but instead stifles your spirit and forces mindless obedience, then, please, find a different church (or Christian community). There are so many great churches that worship the living Christ. Make every effort to find one!

Have you ever been in a legalistic church? Or do you feel as if you’re in one now? What signs do you see? Let’s talk in the comments!