Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 114

With Sex, Practice Makes Perfect!

For many women, sex just isn’t that great at the beginning of the marriage.

This week we’ve been looking at specific ways to make sex better, and today, to wrap it all up, I thought it was time for a bit of a pep talk.

Here’s one of the problems we women have starting marriage: we have nothing to compare sex to except for movies and our husbands. It’s not like we really know what’s going on in anyone else’s bedroom, so we look at movies, where women are aroused and excited from the get go, and always have a wonderful time. And then we look at our husbands, who are similarly aroused and excited from the get go, and don’t usually take very long to reach climax.

And we think that’s “normal”.

So when we take a long time to get aroused or reach orgasm, we figure there’s something wrong with us.

Here’s how it often goes: we start to touch each other, and we women are a little nervous. We’re not sure exactly what we want. But it’s obvious that our husbands are ready for the main event.

Maybe he tries to touch you to make you feel good, but it’s not really working. You don’t know why; it’s just that your body isn’t really responding. What he’s doing feels a little awkward. But he’s obviously impatient (and doesn’t seem that into foreplay), and you start to wonder if your body can even respond anyway, because it just doesn’t seem to. Because you’re embarrassed that nothing is really happening, and so you just say something like, “it’s great honey, let’s go” anyway.

And lo and behold, sex feels great for him, but not for you.

After doing this for long enough, you feel stuck. It’s hard to tell him, “everything we’ve done up until now really hasn’t felt that good”. But you can start the conversation (Here’s a post on how to reset your sex life if you’re in this situation!)

But today, let me give you some encouragement, and then tell you where we’re going from here.

Sex missing the 'fireworks' in your marriage? Here's why that may be happening to you:Click To Tweet
For most couples it takes years to make sex work like clockwork, where you’re both enjoying it, and you both climax.

It isn’t something that most people experience right off the bat. So there is nothing wrong with you. In fact, even in secular studies, the biggest sexual problem that women under 30 have is that they can’t orgasm during intercourse. This problem diminishes as women get older, showing again that it’s not the bombshells on the magazine covers that are having the most fun; it’s older, married couples!

In my studies that I took for The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, years 16-20 were the sweet spot for how great sex was, although years 11-15 weren’t too bad, either. It honestly does get better.

If I were to have taken that survey at year 4 of marriage, it would have been very different for how I answered at year 16.

So how do things get better? First, men are able to control themselves a little more the longer they’re married. They’re usually not in such a rush. And they genuinely want their wives to experience pleasure. And second, women become not quite so confused or overwhelmed by the whole process, and they find it easier to ask for what they want. They also figure out, eventually, what they want! And both of you get used to each other, don’t tend to take offense as quickly later in marriage, realize that you’re in for the long haul, and so it’s easier to let small things go and just genuinely enjoy each other.

The belief that marriage = no sex is a LIE. Did you know that sex is often its absolute best after 10 years of marriage? Click To Tweet

Unfortunately, we don’t tell women this message very much. I think the impression that most people have is that the way sex is at the beginning of the marriage is the way that sex will always be. Instead of seeing sex as a journey, where you’re going to learn how to relate to each other better as the years go by, we think it’s something you either know how to do or you don’t. And so when things don’t work, we think we’re doomed. We think of sex more like a sprint than a marathon. It’s something you should be able to get to and master right away; we don’t realize it’s really quite a long process.

Can The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex Help Me?
We all want sex to feel great.

And in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex I have tons of tips on how to make sex feel amazing!

But I also talk about how sex was meant to be more than just physical: It’s emotional and spiritual as well. And when all three are working, sex can be stupendous.

If you’re struggling with how to make sex feel great, maybe you just need to think about sex in a different way.

Let The Good Girl’s Guide help you!

And we start to believe that sex was made for men, and not for women. We often give up. And we start the whole process of trying to avoid sex or turning our husbands off (did you see that funny video?).

Instead, just believe me when I say this: it does get better. If you haven’t figured out how to get it to work great yet, don’t worry about it. Really. It will not always be this way. Just keep having a good attitude about it, and things will fall into place. And it is not just Christians who have problems in this area, either. In fact, Christians have fewer problems than other people. It’s not like everyone else is having a great time except for you. Most people, at the beginning of a relationship, have trouble getting everything to work well. That’s normal. It doesn’t mean that it CAN’T work well, or that you can’t do anything about it. It’s just that what you’re experiencing is normal.

It can get better.

You were created for pleasure, even if you don’t feel very much right now.

Your body is not dead; you can learn how to feel great!

It takes time for most people; you are not a freak, or abnormal, or frigid.

So relax! And take heart.

Even just this last week, I received an email from a woman who said:

“I worked through your 31 Days to Great Sex, and for the first time in our 9-year marriage I had an orgasm! I’m crying as I type this.”

And hers is just one of dozens like that which I’ve received. It is possible.

So as we talk this week about how to make sex feel better, just remember that it’s okay if it’s not great right off the bat. It’s okay if you’re still struggling to feel aroused. You’re on a journey; and the more that you realize that things aren’t necessarily going to stay this way, the easier it will be to move forward!

But I also don’t mean t make it sound like it’s going to take years and years either. For many couples it does, but I think that’s because we’re so nervous, we don’t communicate well, and we also don’t understand that sex has a learning curve.

Sex doesn't always happen like you thought it would. But that doesn't mean that it's time to give up on sex in your marriage--practice makes perfect!Click To Tweet
When you do realize that there are things you can do to make sex feel better, though, often sex improves very, very quickly.

In other words, it takes time for most couples to realize that there is something better and they can get there, not to actually get there. 

It’s like that woman in the comments–she took a look at 31 Days to Great Sex, and she found that sex really changed. And it likely was mostly because her mindset changed.

Many couples take years to be vulnerable enough to say: “I think we could do this better,” Or “how about trying this?” or “can we learn about this?”

Don’t wait the years. Do something now! And then maybe you won’t have to wait until year 16 for sex to work really well!

Here are some resources that can help:

9 Great Sex Tips for Her
10 Ways to Make Sex Feel Amazing for Him
The Definitive Post on How to Figure out New Sex Tips
31 Days to Great Sex (a challenge that you do with your husband!)
The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex (everything you ever wanted or needed to know about God created sex to be, physically, emotionally, and spiritually!
Boost Your Libido–an online course that can help you feel more in the mood

What do you think? Why does it often take longer for sex to feel great for women in marriage? What can we do to speed that up? Let’s talk in the comments!

Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!

Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually. If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.

5 Things To Do if Your Husband Has Bad Breath

What do you do if your husband has bad breath?

Like seriously bad breath?

I’m one of those people who breathes through my mouth, so I often have a really bad taste there. I think I brush my teeth like 7 times a day (which likely isn’t good for the enamel). But what if your husband just doesn’t know about his bad breath–or doesn’t seem to care?

Recently Wesley Oaks from imanscape.com, a website about men’s grooming, came to me and asked if he could write a guest post. I suggested he tackle hygiene, because it’s a question I get from a lot of women! And this week, since we’re talking about how to practically improve your sex life, I thought it was a good time to address it, since no one wants a husband breathing heavily right near your face when you’re making love–if his breath also stinks. It’s kind of basic.

So, Wesley, what do we do?

Is your husband’s bad breath bothering you but you’re not sure how to handle it?

This can be a very sensitive topic because no one wants to find out their hygiene is affecting someone else. Don’t let bad breath get in the way of your intimacy and close interactions with your other half.

We’ve put together this article to help you conquer this issue with confidence. It’s not something you can ignore and being able to deal with these types of issues together in your marriage is an important part of being able to grow together as a couple.

What Causes Chronic Bad Breath?

Before we can give you some options for handling bad breath it’s important to understand the different between chronic bad breath and normal bad breath. Chronic bad breath is typically much more potent and stronger smelling than your average bad breath, and it stems from other issues.

That’s right… good oral hygiene isn’t enough to deal with this type of foul smell. The most common cause are other sicknesses with the throat or mouth. If your husband has had bronchitis for example chronic bad breath can accompany it. The unpleasant smell is a side effect of the bacteria that caused him to be sick.

Lucky for you, chronic bad breath usually goes away on its own. After your husband feels better you should expect things to return to normal in about a week.

If the bad breath doesn’t go away or it didn’t stem from a recent illness there may be other things at play. So here are 5 tips that can help you and your husband tackle the issue together.

5 Tips for Spouses with Bad Breath

Bad breath can be a sensitive subject to discuss in a marriage or any relationship. You love your husband and you don’t want to hurt his feelings or for some the topic can just be a little embarrassing in general.

What’s important to remember is you need to be able to talk with the person you’ve married about anything. Especially about something that can affect you to being together or getting intimate. So, bring up the subject gently but with confidence and above all be supportive and helpful.

Struggling with your husband's bad breath? Here are 5 tips to help you tackle it together:Click To Tweet
1. Reanalyze Your Routine

Routines can become monotonous and we begin to not give any thought to what we are doing because we’ve done it so many times before. Spark a conversation on your morning and night bathroom routine and let it lead to talking about oral hygiene.

These daily activities we repeat can often reach a point where we’re not doing as good of a job because we’re not thinking about it. Ask a question like “do you count while you brush your teeth?”, because you’ve read you should be brushing each side for so many seconds before swapping sides.

Planting these small seeds in your spouse’s mind will get them thinking and they will likely improve their routine based on your conversations.

2. Review Sleeping Patterns

A big contributing factor to bad breath is dry mouth. When our mouth is dry and we’re not producing enough saliva, it makes for a better environment for bacteria. Is your partner snoring through the night, hang their mouth open, or possibly developed sleep apnea?

These night time issues can lead to bad breath more frequently. There are products available to help solve these issues you may want to consider. If you notice, there’s trouble breathing at night and that’s why your spouse is snoring or breathing through the mouth you should seek a professional medical opinion.

3. Don’t Forget the Tongue

If brushing your teeth 3 times a day isn’t solving your bad breath issue it could be the tongue. Does your spouses tongue have a white streak on it? If so it needs more attention during the hygiene routine.

Struggling with your spouse's bad breath? Have you tried these 5 tips? Check them out:Click To Tweet

Purchase tongue scrapers and use them religiously. They’re terrific for having better breath. A lot of people don’t realize their tongue could be the culprit, but it often is. Tongue scrapers are quick and easy to use so you can use it after any meal or snack.

Go out and buy yourself and your spouse one. This way you’re not just buying one for them which could be taken the wrong way. They’re very handy oral hygiene tools to keep around always.

4. Carry More Breath Fresheners

A temporary solution can be carrying around more chewing gum and breath mints. Sometimes we may be in a rush and can’t brush during our work lunch hour or maybe we wake up late for work. Whatever your reason is you can always carry these helpful items with you.

I personally know a couple who keep breath mints in their nightstand. They believe in starting every morning by holding each other in bed a couple minutes before beginning their daily routine. They both take the mints when they wake up and then they cuddle. They both contribute this routine to strengthening their marriage.

5 tips for what you can do when your spouse has bad breath:Click To Tweet
5. Be Open and Honest

Being open and honest and telling someone they have a bad breath issue may be one of the hardest things to do. It’s not like you’re recommending ways your husband can grow a beard or talking to your teenage son about his first electric shaver. You’re talking about someone’s personal hygiene.

It may or may not be something within their control but either way you should bring it up. You’re doing them a favor by addressing the issue and helping them resolve it. It’s the equivalent of having food in your teeth all day and no one told you except with bad breath.

So just get the discussion going and your thoughts out in the open.

Primarily it’s important to know your spouse and how to approach them with these issues. The handsome groom you married and yourself will both go through many changes as you grow as a person with each passing year. One key to making it last is falling in love over and over again as you both grow together.

Wesley is the owner of iManscape.com a website about hygiene, beards, and men. If you would like to see more articles like this from iManscape visit their website or follow them on Facebook.

Have you ever gone through something like this? How do you address a husband’s hygiene issues? Let’s talk about it in the comments!

How Do I Find Safe Information for Sex Tips?

So here’s the situation: You want to find some great sex tips to make sex awesome, but you’re scared to Google it because, well…

Yeah.

That’s dangerous.

So, as a married person who just wants a good sex life, what do you do?

All week this Valentine’s Day we’re talking about how to improve your sex life, and today, for Wifey Wednesday, which ALSO just happens to be Valentine’s Day, I thought I’d tackle this question!

It’s something I get asked about a lot. Where do I find safe information about new sex positions? Or about how to make things feel better? Basically you want Christian friendly sex tips–or sex tips that aren’t gross.

So let’s take a look at this today!

When You Just Can't Google It....how to find safe information for making sex great in your marriage!Click To Tweet
There Aren’t a Whole Lot of Sex Tips That Are Truly New

Here’s something my husband often says when we’re giving our sex talk at marriage conferences:

Whenever you look at magazine covers, it’s all about “new” things. 10 “new” things to try in bed. 10 “new” ways to drive her wild. Speaking as a physician, people have been doing this for an awfully long time. And trust me, there is nothing new.

Of course we all can spice things up, but it’s not like there’s something magical that has just been invented. No, the truth is that our bodies go together in only so many ways, and there are only so many things you can do. So if you want to change things up, it simply involves changing a few things! There are many, many different permutations and combinations, but I guess the point I’m making is that with a little bit of imagination and exploration, you really can figure it out yourself for the most part.

So why do people need sex tips? Because we’re not sure where to start, and it can be awkward to just explore or suggest you change things up. When we have a checklist in front of us, it’s easier.

But I think it’s also healthier to change things yourself! You get better at communicating (which is, in fact, key to a woman’s orgasm!). You get more comfortable with your body and with the idea that we’re sexual beings. And you just have more fun!

So let’s look at how we can start changing things up.

Change Up the Things You Can to Make Sex into a New Experience
Change the position

There are only three basic sexual positions: front facing with him on top; front facing with her on top; or “spooning” or him being behind her. Every other position tends to be a variation on these three.

For instance, you can do them all lying down, kneeling, sitting, or even standing (though that’s not advised necessarily! That’s one of the biggest causes of penile fractures, and yes, that’s a thing! Yikes!)

You can also do them all with your legs in different positions.

Sometimes having suggestions on what to try makes it easier to figure out what to do–and the Ultimate Intimacy app and Sock Monkey Kama Sutra are super fun and suggest a ton of different positions!

If you want to do something yourself, though, here’s what I’d suggest: pick a position and then just move around. What happens if she lies down but he doesn’t? Or if he stands but she doesn’t? Or if her legs (or his legs) are in a different position? Even set a timer for two minutes and change position every two minutes.

Seriously, have fun just figuring this out!

What else can you change to improve sex?

Is Your Problem More About Libido than with Technique?
Is the main problem in your sex life that she just doesn’t want sex enough? Is sex find when you have it–but you just don’t have it very often?

That’s probably the most common sex problem married people face! And that’s why I created my Boost Your Libido course.

It’s a 10-module course that takes you through all the aspects of a woman’s libido, and shows you how to take control, so that you can get to the point where you’re actually wanting sex again.

Check it out here!

Vary the Timing

You can do things very quickly or very fast. You can draw things out–like get very excited for a few minutes, and then cool down, to prolong everything. You can have a quickie, or make sure something lasts an hour (by having cooling down periods periodically).

Again, a timer can be your friend here. If you set the timer for between 2-5 minutes and then cool down after time’s up, you can often make the whole encounter last a long time.

Change the way you touch each other

As we get more aroused, we tend to enjoy being touched in different ways and in different places. For instance, many women especially actually prefer things far more gentle during foreplay than they do right before climax. But if you were to apply the pressure she likes before climax to get her aroused, it may backfire because it would be too much.

Also, you can touch each other during intercourse in some ways, too. Remember that for women, it is usually the clitoris that gives the most sexual pleasure, so anything you can do both before intercourse and during intercourse to stimulate that part of her body will likely feel good.

I’ve found that the easiest way to learn how to touch someone is to have them lie perfectly still, while you just explore for five minutes. You can even play the “which feels better? This or this?” game!

Involve Other Senses

One of the things that heightens sexual pleasure is drawing things out. And one of the ways to do this is to add other senses!

Sight

Keep the lights on! Wear some pretty lingerie. Or even tease each other a bit by slowly taking your clothes off, revealing things bit by bit, or whatever works for you!

Sound

Keep some music on so that you begin to associate certain songs with feeling really good (that can be fun when the song randomly comes on when you’re in the car!).

Or talk to each other more while you’re making love. Tell each other some of your best memories, or tell them what really feels good. Tell each other exactly what you want them to do right now. That doesn’t have to be gross or dirty, either! You’re married. Talking about what you’re doing is totally okay, and often adds some extra closeness because it’s so rare that we say these things out loud.

Taste

Chocolate sauce can be fun. Enough said.

Feel

Use different sensations! Different temperatures can be fun, like ice or even those soy massage candles (that melt and then you use them to massage each other). And teasing each other with something like a feather can be wonderful, too.

Smell

Play the perfume game! Spritz yourself with perfumes in key areas and challenge him to find them. Or always wear a certain cologne or perfume to bed.

Let your spouse teach you how to make sex feel great!

During my Q&A at one of my Girl Talks (the event I bring to churches about marriage & sex), one of the questions was once, “How exactly do you perform oral sex on him?” (It was asked a little more graphically, but we’ll leave it at that.)

My answer was quite simple. I said, “I’m pretty sure he’d like to teach you.”

And that’s a good principle for any of these things. If there’s something that’s going to make one of you feel really good, then learn how to become a good teacher and a good pupil. Don’t take someone teaching you as an insult, or as them saying, “You’re not doing it well.” Take it as, “this is going to be so fun because I’m going to become a super great lover!” That’s exciting!

That being said…Any particular Christian friendly sex resources I’d recommend for great sex tips?

Absolutely! And using a resource can be fun because it’s the RESOURCE that is telling you to try something new in bed, not you. So it makes that conversation a little bit easier. And I’ll list a few.

31 Days to Great Sex. Want some dares where you’ll try new positions, figure out what feels best, make foreplay last longer? At the same time, want to deal with sexual baggage, learn to flirt more, and feel closer? Take the challenge!
Deck of Dares. I sell this one in my store, too! Designed by therapist Dr. Jennifer Degler, it offers dozens of dares for couples to try to make their life steamier, without anything that would go against your morals or boundaries.
The Ultimate Intimacy App. So much fun! I talked about this one on Monday. It’s a great way to get more familiar with your bodies, try some dares, and learn all kinds of new positions.
Sock Monkey Kama Sutra. Okay, if you want to try some new positions, but don’t want a book filled with X-rated pictures, how about a book filled with hilarious sock monkeys? At least you can laugh at it! (And they do have a lot of positions).

One last thought: We often think we need new sex tips because we’re afraid to talk about things.

The biggest reason we want to google things or find new sex tips is because we know that what we’re doing is kinda boring. Or it’s not feeling the best. Or we’d like to figure out how to try something specific, but we don’t know how to ask.

And it’s that last part that’s the biggest issue:

We don’t know how to start that conversation that we’d like more.

And so instead we spend our time researching all new sex tips, but not doing anything about it.

If you want great sex,  you have to learn to talk to your spouse about it.

Many of those resources I listed will help. But the underlying problem when sex isn’t great is often the same problem that makes it difficult to talk about: you’re embarrassed, you’re scared, or your spouse seems nervous, and there doesn’t seem to be a safe way to bring up the conversation.

Sex is never going to get better until you learn to actually talk about it! So try a few things, like having a “his” night and having a “her” night where it’s more natural to express what you want. Get a resource that will help. But most of all, express what you want. Push through on those conversations. They’re really worth having!

And everyone–Happy Valentine’s Day! I hope you have a wonderful day with your spouse.

Did you know that subscribers to my blog get access to more information?

I send out weekly and monthly emails, with extra information! Plus, when you first sign up, you’ll get a series of emails with all my best posts about how to make sex great.

If you’re not subscribed yet–join me now!

Now let me know–why do you think it’s so hard to talk to each other about how to make sex great? How can we make talking about new sex tips easier? Let’s talk in the comments!

The Best 31 Days of Your Marriage!
Read a few pages. Do what it says. Have incredible fun!

Learn to talk more, flirt more, and even explore more! You'll work on how to connect emotionally, spiritually, AND physically. And the ebook version is only $4.99!

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Top 10 Ways Husbands Can Improve Their Sex Lives

Just in time for Valentine’s Day–here’s a post on 10 ways MEN can improve their sex lives.

Last year I wrote a post on 10 ways women can make sex amazing for their husbands–and this Valentine’s Day I thought I’d do the opposite. And one of my awesome male readers offered to write it! So here’s Keith Schooley from The Schooley files with some great advice for us this Valentine’s Day.

Psst… hey you. Yeah, you, the guy reading Sheila’s girl blog. I know, I know, I read it too. There’s good stuff there, right?

Okay, so you and I both know why we’re here, right? Because Sheila likes to talk about sex. And what guy isn’t interested? And she gives tips for making things better…. aaaaand it’s not always perfect in paradise, right?

But she’s a woman’s voice, talking mostly to other women. So I thought I’d come and, guy to guy, talk about the nitty gritty with you. Some of what I’m going to say you’ve heard before, including from Sheila. But maybe a guy’s voice can persuade you that this stuff is in your own best interest. And maybe you’ll find something new. Who knows?

Before we get started, though, I want to make clear: this is about more-or-less functioning marriages that might have hit a dry patch. I really don’t have anything to say about completely dysfunctional relationships where someone’s been withholding sex for long periods of time. You’re not going to get those answers in a blog post, and there’s no point in starting a comment war about extreme cases. But even in those cases, the first few ideas couldn’t hurt….

One last thing: this list isn’t going to start out seeming very sexy. Don’t worry, we’ll get there. I know you want a big finish.

1. Talk with your wife

I’m not talking about in the bedroom, not that there’s anything wrong with that. I’m just talking about normal, everyday, general conversation. Notice I said talk with her, not talk to her. This is about listening as much as talking. The main thing we guys need to get between our ears is that for our wives, sex is relational. The more you build up the relationship, the more open she’s going to feel toward sex. And relationships are built up when people feel heard and when they feel shared with. It’s doubtful that many bickering couples or silent couples are creating many fireworks in the bedroom.

2. Share the Load

The usual way this is phrased is “Help with the housework.” But that suggests that maintaining the home is the wife’s responsibility, and anything her husband does is a bonus. That’s the wrong attitude: this home is yours together, and together you need to make it work. Now, that’s going to look different for different couples: if a husband is working two jobs and his wife stays at home, it’s a little unfair to expect him to come home and do half of the housework. On the other hand, if you both work but every night you plop down in front of the TV while your wife takes care of all the cooking, cleaning, and laundry, you’re just flat-out being selfish. Or maybe not selfish enough: I mean, if she’s worn out from everything she’s been doing all day, she’s not going to have much energy for you at the end of it, right? KnowwhutImean?

(For you ladies—yes, I know you’re listening in—can I give you a couple tips on this? #1: If your husband is trying to do stuff around the house, try not to micromanage how he does it. Think about how you would respond if your mother-in-law were critiquing your housekeeping in the same way you critique your husband’s. #2: If your husband deals with repairs and heavy lifting, give him credit for that. Splitting the everyday chores down the middle isn’t quite fair if your husband has solo responsibility for fixing the dishwasher and changing the oil in the car and mowing the lawn. Of course, if that gets balanced off by you nursing and changing the baby and stuff like that, that’s also a different story.)

3. Touch outside the bedroom

I’m talking about non-sexual touching here: a hand on the shoulder or elbow, squeezing her hand. Just like talking, touching is a powerful relationship-builder. It silently tells your wife, “I appreciate your presence here, now, in this moment.” I am not talking about grabbing your wife’s boobs or butt out of nowhere—that is not sexy to most women. Write on a chalkboard a hundred times if you have to: “I will not run the bases backwards.” But gentle, non-sexual touching at random times during the day, when you’re not looking for sex (this is key) can pay off handsomely in the bedroom.

The real issue here is crucial, and if you get nothing out of the rest of this list, get this: the main obstacle getting in the way of your wife’s responsiveness to you is her not knowing whether you want her or whether you just want it. If she feels that you are just using her to get it, that’s going to shut her down. That’s why you need to touch her when you’re not looking for sex. If she feels that the only time you ever hold her hand is when you want to get busy in 15 minutes, that defeats the whole purpose. The more she feels you value her and want her, the more open she will be to physical intimacy. And that’s a win for both of you.

Husbands: The main obstacle to your wife's libido is her not knowing if you want HER or you just want IT.Click To Tweet
4. Warm up before the game

Yes, I’m going to talk about foreplay. The way this is usually approached is to tell guys, “Look, your wife just takes longer to get warmed up than you do. You need to give her some time and take things slow, no matter how badly you want to get to business.” This makes it all about denying yourself in order to please your wife. Let’s look at in another way. I want to let you know what’s in it for you.

To be plain, foreplay isn’t just good for your wife. Foreplay is good for you too. For two reasons: #1: The more aroused your wife gets, the more uninhibited and adventurous she’s going to be willing to be. You might not understand why she’s not as quick to jump into gear as you are, but in the moment, the best way to get her there is through foreplay. #2: You’ve probably figured out that even for you, not all orgasms are created equal. Don’t you find that when you have to wait and get teased for a while, the actual orgasm is more powerful? Doesn’t it, in the long run, make it better, even for you?

5. Remember that sex is a team sport

You and your wife are on the same team. So the object is to get a win for the team, not just for you as an individual player. When you were a kid, did you ever play ball with a ballhog, a bigger kid who wanted to make every play and every score himself? Was that any fun for you? So if you make sex all about yourself, you can’t be too surprised when your wife isn’t too enthusiastic about it.

Now, it’s entirely possible that you never thought about it that way before. You may not have meant to be selfish. You just did what came natural, you figured she was doing what came natural, and it all seemed great to you, and you had no idea why she wasn’t as crazy about it as you were. Well, now it’s time to think about it. If you orient your thinking around trying to please your wife, you’ll find that she will most likely be more enthusiastic about pleasing you. Everybody wins. More than likely, everybody wins better, and more often. Just sayin’.

6. The more she enjoys it, the less inhibited she will be

There’s a lot of overlap between this point and the last one, but the central idea bears reinforcement. Men often want two incompatible things: we want to focus on our own pleasure, and we want our wives to be wildly enthusiastic and uninhibited.

How’s that working out for ya?

They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result, right? So take a night and decide it’s going to be all about her. Make a point of doing what she likes. Find out what she likes—ask her. (And ladies: if he asks, please tell him! I know you feel weird about it. But seriously—this “If he really loved me, he would just know” stuff really doesn’t work.) And that’s going to lead into….

7. Ladies first

Okay, I know all the romance novels and, er, other media (ahem!) celebrate the joys of the rapturous simultaneous orgasm. Supposedly, if you hold back enough and do it just right, you’ll both reach The Big O at exactly the same time and you’ll see fireworks over a princess castle.

But we live in the real world. Simultaneous orgasms are a rare, happy accident. But they’re not the norm. And the deal is that if you are first, that’s pretty much it for her. It can leave her feeling frustrated, and probably wondering what is wrong with her that she can’t get there. (And shame on you if you reinforce that message.) So it’s not so surprising that she isn’t as excited about repeating the experience as you are.

On the other hand, if you stimulate her (yes, we’re talking foreplay again) and let her reach her climax first, she doesn’t have the same need to cool down that you do. As a matter of fact, she might lose her inhibitions and really be into you at that point. Don’t ask me how I know this. I just do.

8. Enjoy the postgame celebration

One of the least cool things you can do after sex is to roll over and start to snore. It’s like the MVP of the big game walking off the field and not celebrating with his teammates. You need to have respect for the people (or person) who got you there.

Remember I said that the biggest obstacle for your wife is not knowing whether you want her or it? One of the biggest ways you can telegraph that you just want it is to ignore her afterward. Now, once again, you may never have thought of it this way. You probably didn’t intend to be selfish. You might have thought that you both had a great time and now it’s time for sleep. Well, it’s time to wake up to the fact that your wife probably sees it differently.

During the cool-down phase it’s great to say the I love yous, kiss, snuggle. Make her feel special. That’s a feeling that she’s going to want to come back for. And this is kind of the goal, right?

9. Ditch the porn

Okay, so you’ve read what Sheila has to say about porn, you know it’s wrong. Let me try talking to you from a different angle. Porn ruins sex for you.

Basically, porn sets up a bunch of expectations that are hopelessly unrealistic and selfish. It makes you dissatisfied with the reality that God gave you and makes you demand endless youth and variety, makes you hunger for things you wouldn’t even have thought of if porn hadn’t planted them in your mind. It makes you think that women are rapturously excited about things that they actually find disgusting and degrading (and you thought they couldn’t act). And it focuses on nothing but the physical. It can’t portray (and doesn’t want to) the wonderful emotional and spiritual union that God intended sex to be within marriage.

If what you’ve seen in porn is what you’re trying to get out of your marriage bed, you’re doomed to a lifetime of disappointment, frustration, and misdirected anger at a wife who should never have had to act like a prostitute for you in the first place. And you’ll completely miss out on the deeper, richer, much more satisfying passion that your marriage could have had.

10. Stop making her the villain in your sex life

Final point, guys. If you’re struggling with frustration in the bedroom, it’s probable that you’re blaming your wife for all of it. Here’s the thing: blame and resentment are not going to fix your problem. They may give you a feeling of vindication, like the weird pleasure you get from picking at a sore, but they’re actually creating a wedge that makes your wife less responsive.

It’s not really that profound: people do what makes them feel happy and valued and secure. They avoid what makes them feel frustrated and demeaned and unconfident. If your words and actions are making her feel like she’s responsible for your sexual fulfillment and she’s not measuring up, she’s going to retreat from the situation. If your words and actions tell her that she’s precious to you and that you want to contribute to her sexual fulfillment, she’s going to embrace the situation. And I think we’re all looking for a little more embracing.

Bottom line, guys: if you want it, then you need to decide that you want her. If you can’t say honestly that you want your wife as a person, then you need to take that to God. Because anything else is just selfishness. And the truth is that selfishness actually gets you less, not more, of what you’re looking for in the first place.

But if you get to the place that you want her, and she knows that, and your words and actions demonstrate it, then you’ll find that you’re getting a lot more than it. You’re getting a lifetime of love and satisfaction and partnership and friendship that finds its expression in emotional and spiritual and, yes, physical ways. That’s what God wants us married couples to have. Don’t settle for anything less.

Keith Edwin Schooley has been a pastor, counselor, and teacher, a husband of 26 years to his wonderful wife Cecile, and a father to six children and stepchildren. He hosts a website, The Schooley Files, where he writes on various topics concerning Christian life and thought. His book, Marriage, Family, and the Image of God, is available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and other online booksellers.


Does Your Sex Life Need a Pick-Me-Up?
Maybe it's gotten stale. Maybe it's never felt that great. Or maybe you just feel like you're missing something!

The Most Amazing App to Rev Up Your Sex Life!

This post is sponsored by The Ultimate Intimacy App, but all opinions are my own.

Over the years I’ve thought about creating an app to help couples with their sex lives, because so many websites or other products are kind of, well, gross.

But now I don’t have to, because The Ultimate Intimacy App is totally the product I would have created–if I had made one. And I’m not even exaggerating. It provides games to help couples have amazing foreplay, ideas for new things to try, and tons of information on technique, all without using offensive language or graphic pictures. And the focus is totally on married couples, so it really is perfect!

Since this is Valentine’s week, I wanted to focus all week on how to improve our sex lives, and I’ve got some great posts coming! But for today, to start off the week and to get your Valentine’s Day going in the right direction, let’s start with The Ultimate Intimacy App!

It’s available in a free version, but I upgraded for $6.99, which gives access to all of the options. And I’ll be talking about the paid version here. (You start with the free version and then there’s an in-app purchase option to upgrade).

The app has so much, so let’s just take it step by step through all it offers!

Ultimate Intimacy App Closeup: The Couples Game

Here’s where the fun really starts! The couples game has activities which the app instructs you to do, organized around 4 categories:

Romance
Foreplay
Heavy Foreplay (available in paid version only)
Hot & Heavy (intercourse; available in paid version only)

You enter your names, so that the app addresses you when giving specific instructions. It alternates between something he does and something she does. And each activity runs for 2 minutes (default setting), although you can make them go from 1-5 minutes. When the two minutes is up, you move on to the next thing! The app has a ton of activities in each category, and each time you play you get different ones. (You can even set it to speak the activities out loud, so you don’t have to keep checking the phone.)

It really does start off nicely, with just encouraging you to cuddle, talk, and get close (the big number is 120 seconds counting down):

and then does get progressively “hot”, including lots of different positions or things to do. We start with gradual foreplay:

And then we get progressively hotter.

(I won’t show a screen shot of the “Hot & Heavy” category just because I don’t want this to get too X-rated).

It DOESN’T do anything like telling you to role play, humiliate each other, degrade each other, or use sex toys on each other. It really is just about exploring each other’s bodies and trying out new positions, angles, or things in different combinations. It’s the first and only clean, Christian-friendly (and not lame!) bedroom game app out there.

So I can endorse this one 100%!

The activities are fully customizable, too.

Is there something you’re not comfortable with?

You can turn off the option for oral sex, or, if there are suggestions for foreplay that you’re not interested in, you can also reject them.

Have things you really do like?

Give them a thumbs up to see them more often–or even enter your own activities! You can truly make this your own.

Ultimate Intimacy App Closeup: Resources

Next up is the resources section! (there’s a ton here; I can’t show it all in one screenshot).

Don’t totally understand the female or male anatomy? Need some help with technique, either with intercourse, orgasm, or oral sex? What about with how to touch each other or with foreplay? They have tons of explanations of what tends to work best, using anatomically correct terms, medical drawings (when appropriate), and easy-to-understand language. Nothing’s gross.

And they also have resources to help you feel closer, too, including tons of different romantic date night ideas, ways to initiate, ways to show love, and more!

Not just that, but they’ve got sexy coupons you can send each other (these are about to be launched), and even a sexy bucket list that you can create together (we’re actually doing this! If that’s not TMI). And they even have some “romantic escapes” where they play the sounds of a beach, a mountain brook, a rainforest–and more.

Not to mention the 68 sexy dares that are super fun.

The Resources section is a smorgasbord of super fun things.

Ultimate Intimacy App Closeup: Conversation Starters

Intimacy isn’t all about sex! It’s also about feeling closer. And the app has a ton of conversation starters in 5 different categories: Romance, Intimacy, Family, Finances, and Miscellaneous. And new questions are added all the time.

Ultimate Intimacy App Closeup: The Positions Library

This is one of the most fun parts of the app! Over 200 sex positions in different categories:

Wife on Top
Husband on Top
Rear Entry
Side by Side
Seated
Standing
Kneeling
(Then there are two for oral sex as well, but I just don’t want to type out those words because I’ll get caught in filters.)

They’re all tastefully drawn, and when you pick one, it gives instructions on how to make it work great!

You can mark your favourites (I am NOT showing you which ones I marked!). Then when you want to pick a new position, you have four options:

Randomize and let the app pick
Browse your favourites
Browse a particular category
Do an advanced search

With the advanced search, you can specify aspects you’d like, such as maximum clitoral stimulation, a great view, or help with special issues, such as pregnancy, sex when you’re plus sized, or help for well-endowed or less well-endowed men. (Seriously, I get a lot of questions for help with this, and here’s some great advice on positions that work!). And just so you know, the “props” section is not about whips or anything weird. It’s just about whether you need a chair or a table or something that makes a particular position possible or easier.

I seriously can’t say enough good things about this app. It truly is everything that I would have put into an app that I were creating, and it looks like they’re planning on adding so much more in the months to come (like sexy coupons to send to your spouse!).

Writing about sex can be difficult because sex is so much more than the physical side, but the physical side is incredibly important. That’s one of the things that I’ve found the Ultimate Intimacy App does really well–it emphasizes connection between husbands and wives. It’s more than “just sex”, it’s intimacy–being emotionally, spiritually, and physically close–that awakens those deep feelings of attachment and love for each other.

So I heartily endorse this if you want to explore each other more and just have more fun. It’s great for Valentine’s Day. And seriously, it’s only $7 right now. That’s awfully inexpensive for something that he will love!

Sometimes I Forget What My Husband Needs from Me

With thanks to Thomas Nelson, publishers of Erin Smalley’s new book 10 Things a Husband Needs from His Wife, for sponsoring this post.
Sometimes I get so caught up in my own disappointment or frustration that I forget what Keith needs from me.

And a lot of that is because we simply approach life differently.

I was recently sent a copy of Erin Smalley’s new book 10 Things a Husband Needs from His Wife, and as I was perusing through it, one part stood out to me and I asked if I could share that part today. We’ve been talking all week about misperceptions that women have about sex, but sometimes we just plain have misperceptions about marriage in general because we approach life differently. And if we’re not aware of those differences, we can build up walls of disappointment between us.

Here’s Erin with a great marriage thought to contemplate this weekend, right before Valentine’s Day:

Isn’t it surprising when you look at your husband after years of togetherness and realize how different he is from you? Maybe you were charmed by these differences from the beginning, or maybe now that he has relaxed into the relationship, he feels comfortable being authentic around you. Either way, at some point, most couples come to a point at which they realize they have different methods for handling normal, everyday moments. And those moments can add up to wondering: How in the world can I connect deeply with my husband when we can’t even agree on the small things?

From the time we said “I do” 25 years ago, Greg and I have been constantly confronted with our differences. Over the years, I’ve let myself become bothered and annoyed by issues that weren’t, in the end, all that important. Generally, my negative reactions had more to do with my own heart than with Greg’s actions or inactions. I didn’t really care about the counters being wiped down; I cared about feeling taken advantage of or disregarded. Once I was able to share the deeper-level feelings, the actual issue seemed less important.

When personality differences in your marriage are driving you NUTS, here's a way to step back and look with fresh perspective!Click To Tweet

Although you may not have personally experienced these specific frustrations, I would guess you have similar experiences. Here are a few situations in which I’ve learned that I can start by asking myself where my husband might be coming from—not to excuse poor behavior, but to allow my heart to express more grace in navigating our differences.

He Doesn’t Help Around the House

Greg went years without making our bed in the morning. As a matter of fact, he thought it was crazy to make the bed. Still, faithfully, I did it every morning. And honestly, I had no bitterness over this whatsoever. Actually, as I made the bed, I often thought about how blessed I was to have a husband sleeping next to me every night. I looked at it as one task I did for our team.

Until the day came that I had a cast on my leg. I was pathetically flopping my large, heavy new appendage all over the place, ferociously struggling to make the bed, when Greg walked in on me. I immediately saw it in his eyes that he finally got it. He asked me, “Is this really this important to you?”

He knew the answer before I could answer. “Yes,” I replied, “It really is.” From that day forward, he has made the bed every single day. And when he is out of town, I find myself praying for him and thanking God for my husband while I make the bed.

He Always Tries to Fix Me

Men communicate to achieve something, fix a problem, or give advice. Their goal is to take action. Women communicate to connect relationally, sharing feelings and needs. Their goal is to form a deep connection. As you can see, we have very different goals in our communication and connection styles. I gained a lot of insight the day I realized that when Greg tries to fix something for me, what he is really saying is, “I love you, and I care enough about you to fix the problems.” Whether it is offering advice or filling my car with gas, from his perspective, his actions are saying, “I love you and value you enough to spend my time doing this for you.” However, as most of us have learned, men are not mind readers. Your husband doesn’t have a clue what you truly need unless you tell him.

He Wants to Have Sex All the Time—Even After We Fight

Did the Lord make us different sexually or what? Men are more easily excited sexually, and sexual intimacy is one of the key ways they feel more connected. After a fight, when he is feeling distance from you, your husband’s desire for sex may be his attempt to reestablish a connection. (Remember, he can compartmentalize and keep your fight separate from what happens in the bedroom.) For a woman who connects emotionally and then warms slowly into a desire for sexual intimacy, her husband’s on/off switch can be difficult to understand.

Differences in marriage are inevitable--so let's deal with them with grace & understanding!Click To Tweet
He Doesn’t Connect with Me at the End of the Day

When your husband comes home from work, does he head straight for his favorite chair instead of catching up with you or playing with the kids? It’s not uncommon behavior. When men are stressed from a long day at work, they tend to isolate and disconnect. This can also be a personality issue if you are married to an introvert. You might try a gentle talk about what you desire—and don’t do this when you’re steaming mad! Acknowledge that he is made differently and that his body responds differently to stress, but also tell him that you would like to work together to come up with a plan that gives him the time he needs to decompress, but also gives you time to connect at the end of the day.

How do differences create conflict in your marriage? Communicating with each other year after year is the key to understanding what works and what doesn’t and to keep growing as couples and as individuals. Rather than judging and giving into frustration, it’s important for both you and your husband to hear that your differences are valued—that you are valued. When you give thanks for the things that make your husband unique, you just might be surprised by how your small frustrations can turn into appreciation and make you fall in love with him all over again.

Adapted from 10 Things a Husband Needs from His Wife. Copyright © 2017 Erin Smalley. Harvest House Publishers, Eugene, Oregon, 97408. www.harvesthousepublishers.com. Used by Permission.

What was a huge personality difference or habit that you and your spouse had to learn to live with? Let’s talk about it in the comments below!

5 Thoughts That Changed the Way I Approached Sex

Have you struggled to actually want sex?

We’re challenging some misconceptions people have about sex this week, and we’re tackling a big one today. What do you do when your husband wants sex all the time, but you just don’t?

We’ve got Jenny, a South African blogger from My Autumn Reflections, here today to share how sometimes the ruts we get in and the conflict that happens can be because of our misconceptions about what sex should look like in our marriage.

Do you know these 5 truths about sex?

Here’s Jenny!

I’ve been married 27 years and there have definitely been times I didn’t feel like being intimate with my husband.

Too tired. Too worn out by life. Just plain didn’t feel like it. I didn’t even need a headache as an excuse – I just wasn’t interested. And he was.

I’m not talking about an oversexed, pornographic-minded male wanting sex every day. I’m talking about a godly man with God-given desires who was trying his best to provide for his family and meet my emotional needs as best he could.

And I said no. Or avoided sex by pretending to be asleep. Or gave him the message by being unresponsive.

Reject a man sexually often enough and he will shut that part of himself down to avoid the rejection. Only problem is, he’s not only shutting down his desire, he’s shutting down his heart too. He’s shutting down his emotional side to protect himself from you.

Ouch!

We stayed up late many a night trying to resolve our conflict about sex. I didn’t see how my rejection was affecting my husband. It wasn’t that I didn’t like sex–I loved it! But on my terms. Only when I was interested. Blinded by my selfishness and lack of compassion, I could only see my own needs. (There were reasons for this – see here for how your past affects your marriage).

Struggling to actually want sex? Here are 5 thoughts that changed the way one woman saw sex:Click To Tweet

Then God used a straight-shooting lady to tell me what a wife’s responsibilities are in marriage – one of them being to provide her husband with good, regular sex. Willingly. Enthusiastically. Because that is how I can bless him and serve him and love him best.

That shook me up and started me on the road to change. Here are five things I realized that changed my thinking about sex:

1. Physical intimacy is a ministry to my husband.

One day as I was praying for God to bless my husband, it struck me – God wants to use me to bless my husband and that means meeting his need for sex. Simple. God has called me to minister to my husband. He is my first priority – before children or anyone else. I must meet his needs before meeting the needs of anyone else.

Sex helps men solve problems and deal with life. By meeting his physical needs I am helping my husband deal with the rest of his life, lessening his stress, and helping him figure out solutions to his problems. Now that’s being a helpmeet!

2. I don’t have to be in the mood beforehand to serve my husband (but it often follows!)

Sometimes saying yes to sex is a choice based on principle, not on feeling. In doing this I learned that it truly is more blessed to give than to receive. I learned to pray, “Lord, I don’t feel like sex, but I’m willing for you to change my feelings. Please give me the right feelings.” God has always answered this prayer and I end up having a good time!

How we THINK about sex impacts how we FEEL about sex!Click To Tweet

It’s not necessary to be aroused to be an active participant in loving your man. But in that willingness and choosing, arousal usually follows. Choose to stay focused on your husband. Don’t think about your shopping list or what you need to do tomorrow. There is reward in bringing pleasure to someone else. Choose it!

3. Sex is not just physical for a man.

While sex for a man is a lot about physical release that’s not all there is to it for him.

Sex for a man is also emotional. It makes him feel close and connected to his wife. When you say no to sex you are saying that you don’t want to be close to him.

Sometimes the best way to unlock a husband’s emotions is through satisfying his physical need. It helps him to become emotionally open. Want to connect with your husband emotionally? Make love to him.

4. When I reject sex I’m not just saying “No” to sex, I’m saying “No” to the whole person.

Sex is not something you can separate from the man. It is the man. A large part of his identity and self-worth are tied up in his sexuality. Say “No” to sex and you mess with his value as a man. It’s how Dr. Gary & Barbara Rosberg put it in their book, The 5 Sex Needs of Men and Women:

When a wife rejects her husband’s request for sex, it’s not that he feels the attempt failed; he feels that he’s a failure…Even when she says no for a valid reason, rejection to a man spells one thing: rejection. And when rejection happens often enough, he will shut down.

As I turned off the light before my husband came to bed and pretended to be asleep, I thought I was just avoiding sex, but in my husband’s mind I was saying no to him – the whole person.

And that hurt. It made him feel unwanted and unloved.

It took a number of years for me to heal that rejection. For a time I did not allow myself to say no to sex. I initiated sex with him. I had to be willing again and again and again. When I felt like it and when I didn’t.

I learned that I can say no, honestly, gently, and that offering an alternative time gives my husband hope of having his need met – “I’m so tired tonight, can we make love in the morning?” Very often that honest conversation leads to lovemaking anyway. It doesn’t take that long and it’s better to go to sleep feeling loved and connected than to have a rift between us.

Do we understand as wives how much our words and actions impact our husbands--especially when it comes to sex?Click To Tweet
5. Sex is not just for men, it’s for women too.

God didn’t only have men in mind when He thought up sex. There must be something in it for women too. If God made it, and He’s a loving God, then sex should be something that excites women too.

The devil has made sure that a lot of us see sex as selfish, grabbing, dirty, repulsive. He’s made sure many of us have been abused and sex is something to be endured or avoided. He’s made sure that the media portrays perfect bodies everywhere making us ashamed of our lumps and bumps, and feeling like we can’t be seen naked.

It’s time to claim sex back from the devil. God made it and He wants us to enjoy it. It’s a gift from Him.

Sex is an opportunity to enjoy physical, emotional, and spiritual intimacy with your best friend. It’s a time to enjoy some of the most pleasurable sensations known to man (and woman ).

Avoiding or refusing sex deprived me of pleasure and connection and emotional fulfilment. Not anymore. Now, I love making love with my husband.

Sex must be good if God created it. Are you missing out? Why? Maybe you need to heal from sexual abuse or change your thinking about sex. Claim it back for yourself.

I wish I could go back and change my story. I can’t. But I can do things differently today. I’m claiming sex back.

I hope you will too.

Jenny is a housewife, married to her best friend, mom of 3 grown kids, and lives on a farm in South Africa. She blogs at My Autumn Reflections. She and her husband have a speaking ministry that keeps them in tune with people’s needs and relationship issues.

Do any of these 5 thoughts resonate with your marriage? What’s something you’ve learned that impacted how you think about sex? Let’s talk about it in the comments!

Does Your Sex Life Need a Pick-Me-Up?
Maybe it's gotten stale. Maybe it's never felt that great. Or maybe you just feel like you're missing something!

Wifey Wednesday: 5 Tips to Putting Your Sexual Baggage Behind You

How do you leave the guilt of your sexual past behind you? Can you escape the baggage from past lovers and move forward in freedom?

It’s Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! This week we’re looking at how to deal with misperceptions about sex. And let’s face it–a lot of those misperceptions come from our sexual baggage. 

When I give my Girl Talk event, when I talk sex & marriage at churches, we have a Q&A period where people can write down anonymous questions. And invariably some of those questions revolve around sexual baggage. Recently, in the Niagara area where I was speaking, we had two different ones! Lots of women are dealing with sexual guilt.

When I wrote The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, I conducted surveys of several thousand women. And one thing I found is that less than 40% of committed Christian women are virgins on their wedding night. Not just that, but more than 1/3 of the women who weren’t virgins expressed major regret over that. It’s really impacting their relationships now. (You’ll have to get the book to get the exact numbers!)

Can the Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex Help Me If I Haven't Been a Good Girl?
Hold on a minute–a good girl is not someone who has done everything right in their lives (it if were, there would be no good girls!).

A good girl is someone who has realized that Jesus paid for them, and that they don’t need to be weighed down anymore either by shame of what they did, or shame of what’s been done to them. You can walk forward in freedom!

And freedom is what great sex is all about. You can be hot and holy at the same time!

Check out the book here.

Here’s an email that was sent to me that’s quite typical of what women ask:

I had a great number of sexual partners before I met my husband, starting in my early teens. I had a horrible upbringing. My husband didn’t have as much experience, but he did have some bad habits. Our engagement was short, but filled with pre-marital sex almost from day one. Our entire dating and engagement period, even our wedding feels like one big shame to me. I can’t even look at pictures of us when we were dating because I feel so disgusted, knowing what we were doing. I don’t like looking at our wedding pictures either. Ever since the honeymoon sex has been strained. I feel that I can’t trust him. He was willing to take anything he could before we were married. True, I wasn’t stopping him, but that doesn’t help now. He once asked me why was the sex so great before we got married, as if to ask what he was doing right at that time. I told him we shouldn’t have been doing that in the first place, and I have no fond memories of our pre-marital sex, although I suppose it was compelling at the time. It just makes me feel like he doesn’t understand what happened. It’s very discouraging.

She goes on to say how she wants to initiate sex, and she wants to make her husband feel loved, but she just doesn’t enjoy sex with him very much because it still feels wrong.

Here’s what I said to this woman, and here’s my message of hope for you who are in the same situation:

Yes, what you did before your marriage was wrong–both with him and with other guys. Now, God didn’t say “no sex until marriage” just to be mean. He knows it’s for our best, because when we wait for marriage for sex, then we can work on emotional connection first, rather than forging what can be a false intimacy. It’s a better foundation for marriage.

How do you put sexual baggage behind you so it STOPS wrecking your marriage? Some help:Click To Tweet
But that is in the past, and when you married, you became one flesh–a different entity in God’s eyes. 

He has already paid for all the things that you did. He has erased it; it’s time for you to allow it to be erased. Yes, you did something wrong. Yes, people seriously took advantage of you (and sounds like they hurt you in the process). But please do not let that become your identity. You are more than that. You are precious. You were bought at a price.

If you keep feeling shame and keep feeling that anger at yourself, and at your husband, for what you’ve done, then you’re not giving that sin to Jesus to cover. You’re saying, “What Jesus did isn’t big enough for me.”

You may always have regrets about your wedding night (I do, too, for different reasons.)  But nonetheless, that is in the past, and you don’t want the past to impact your future. Your wedding was a letdown was NOT because God wanted to punish you or because God was angry with you then. On your wedding day, God was looking at two new people who were forging a new and holy union, and He was happy with you. It’s just that you weren’t happy with yourself.

Today you need a clean break, where you allow yourself to associate sex with something completely new.

When we have sex before we’re married it can get really confusing. Because there’s no commitment, sex isn’t really to say “I love you”; it’s more to say “I want to feel good”. And yet we know that’s shallow. So that whole idea of “feeling good” becomes associated with something shameful–even though, now that you’re married, feeling good and feeling intimate can all be part and parcel of the same thing!

And what she is experiencing is very, very common: Many women had sex lives that seemed awesome before marriage, and then once marriage came along, sex seemed shameful and dirty. Sex may have been fun with past lovers, or even with our current husband, but now it’s not. Our libido is gone. And many husbands get jealous of their wife’s past lovers, or miss the hot, sexy girlfriends they once were.

So how do we rediscover sex and make it an expression of love?

Here are 5 steps to put the sexual past behind us, deal with sexual baggage, and embrace who we are today.

Jesus paid it ALL. Don't let past sexual baggage into your marriage!Click To Tweet
1. Forgive yourself and leave sexual guilt behind.

I’ve written more about this before–a letter to those who feel as if they’ve lost their sexual purity. God does not want you burdened by this. This one thing is not bigger than your relationship with God.

2. Forgive your husband–and pray for a touching of God’s hand in his life.

One of the hardest parts for this woman is that her husband doesn’t seem to share the guilt over what they did before marriage. That could be for one of two reasons: If it’s because he’s comfortable with the fact that you’re both forgiven, then celebrate! But if he’s trying to relive that period in your life, or if he doesn’t really think it’s wrong, then he may not know God that well. That’s when it’s time not to try to make your husband feel guilty but to simply pray that your husband will meet Jesus. Feeling guilty does nothing; knowing Jesus does everything. So don’t lambaste him over his lack of guilt. Just pray!

And then be honest about what you need to forgive him for. Even say it out loud to him:

I know I was a willing participant in what we did before marriage, and I do want to apologize to you for that. But I also feel like you took from me something that you shouldn’t have taken. I want to forgive you for that, too, because I want us to have an awesome marriage and an awesome sex life, and I am working at moving forward. But I want you to know that it’s been hard for me, and if you could help acknowledge what we went through then, that would likely help me to move on now. Even if you don’t feel it was wrong, if you can see how it hurt me, that would help me so much.

3. Work on your emotional connection and your sexual connection at the same time–so the association between the two sticks.

Try to make sex into something that is new and beautiful. Take baths together and just touch each other. Lie naked together and talk and explore, just with your fingers. Cuddle naked and talk–about memories, about dreams. You can even read a psalm together! Make nakedness and intimacy something that is beautiful, rather than dirty.

Try to spend some time, in bed, just kissing, rather than “getting to the main event”. You take the initiative rather than him, and focus on trying to kiss him to show him that you love him, rather than just to get him aroused (you’ll likely find this gets you far more in the mood, too). Practice touching him to say, “I love you”.

Intimacy can actually be sexy!

Sometimes the road to healing from sexual baggage is to reclaim intimacy. Here are 5 tips:Click To Tweet
4. Take practical steps to cherish your husband.

Here’s what often happens when we let sex interrupt our relationship before marriage: sex replaces the emotional intimacy we’re supposed to be growing, and so instead of working on feeling close emotionally, we feel a false sense of closeness because of sex.

What’s the solution now? Grow your emotional closeness and grow to new levels of communication now! Get more vulnerable with each other. Talk together more. And go out of your way to show him love.

Think everyday, how can I tell him “I love him” in a new way? Challenge yourself like this. Do it inside the bedroom and outside the bedroom. As you start focusing on your connection, you’ll find that your sex life takes a new turn. It’s not just about that physical rush; it’s about cementing a bond. Don’t focus so much on “I have to have sex with my husband” as much as you’re focusing on, “I want to find new ways to feel love for him and show him love!”

This change won’t happen overnight. It takes work to retrain your brain to think of sex in a new way, especially when you have a lot of scars. But Jesus is big enough for your scars. Commit yourself to moving forward, and then make it into a game to find new ways to express how much you love your husband. Kiss him a bunch of different ways and ask him which one makes him feel the most loved. Ask him to do the same to you. Make it fun! And you just may find that your body reawakens!

5. Decide to stop dwelling on your sexual past.

Finally, the only way to stop dwelling on your sexual past is to stop dwelling on your sexual past.

It’s like what I wrote in this post about overcoming jealousy of your husband’s sexual past: We’re told to take every thought captive to Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5). When thoughts enter our heads, we have the choice to either entertain those thoughts, or to reject them and replace them with something else.

If you start getting upset because your husband isn’t feeling guilty, you can say:

We are a new creation together that was bought at a price, and God wants us to have a great time together today!

If you see a group of teenagers and find yourself wishing that you had those years to do over again, you can say:

My story was not what I wanted it to be, but God has used it for good in my life, and it’s amazing to see how far I’ve come!

If you start becoming resentful of sex because it’s pulling you apart, you can say:

God made sex to be awesome in my marriage, and God doesn’t want anything to steal that from me. So I am not going to let my thoughts stand in the way!

Is it hard? Of course. But it is not impossible. Ultimately it is a choice only you can make.

So with that, I want to leave you with this thought:

Let me know in the comments: What do you struggle with when it comes to putting sexual baggage behind you? Is it hard to forgive yourself? Let’s talk!

Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!

Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually. If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.

Top 10 Misperceptions about Sex Teenagers Have

People believe some really wacky things about sex!

This week I thought we’d talk about misperceptions people have about sex, and then next week–for Valentine’s Day–we’ll spend a whole week talking about how to make sex awesome!

So last week, on Facebook and Twitter, I asked about misperceptions about sex, and I got some great responses. (Seriously, if you’re not following me on Facebook, come on over! There’s always lots of great stuff there!)

Of course, there’s the pretty basic misunderstandings about sex:

Yep! It’s pretty sad when people are having sex and they don’t even know how their bodies work! But let’s look at some others that young adults may have, especially within the church.

 

1. Sex is all about “the deed”

Sex is when his penis goes into her. That’s sex. That’s it.

Well, not exactly. Yes, for the most part that is what people mean when they say the word sex, but it also encompasses a lot more. I’ve known people who have done EVERYTHING but fully penetrative vaginal sex, and they’re so proud that they made it to the wedding as virgins!

People are missing the point. Sex was created to connect us spiritually, physically, and emotionally, and any sexual contact will start to do that.

Why God Wants us to Wait for Marriage for Sex
The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex (all about what sex was created for!)

Also, believing that sex is just that one deed can do some serious harm to you. As one woman said on Twitter:

An exclusive understanding of sex as penis-to-vagina intercourse…exposes folks to STIs

2. You really shouldn’t talk about sex

There is often a really strong belief among youth groups that sex is only something you talk about at purity conferences or when you’re getting the “don’t have sex” talk at youth group. As a result, all young people hear about sex is, “don’t have it, and try your best not to want it, either.”

But what does that actually accomplish when it comes to teaching about healthy sexuality? Sex isn’t something that needs to be hushed up. There is nothing inherently wrong with sex, and teens should be able to talk about sex in a healthy way.

Also, there’s another problem with not being able to talk about sex. As R.L. Stollar said to me on Twitter:

That it is something shameful or dirty that we shouldn’t talk about. This made it much more difficult for me to process my childhood abuse.

Yes, if you can’t talk about sex, then you make healing from sexual trauma much worse–and make the shame stick much more, too. And you add shame once people are married as well!

Top 10 Things That Scare Me About the Purity Culture
Are We Making Women Ashamed of Sex?



10 Lies Teens and Young Adults Believe About Sex:Click To Tweet
3. Everything will be like it is in the movies

When you’re married and you have sex with your spouse, everything will be like in the movies. You fall into each others’ arms, and it’s easy–everything flows. You never have to talk about sex because it will be perfect. If you have to talk about it, you ruin the movie-moment magic.

Well, sorry kid. That’s not the case. Although there are definitely movie-magic moments, sex in marriage often requires a lot of conversation.

Along with that, somehow movies and TV shows never seem to show the reality of what happens AFTER sex. One woman tweeted to me:

Every time I watch a tv scene where they have quick sex with NO cleanup I’m like “LIARS” haha…can be surprising if you haven’t thought it through and media is your only picture of how things happen.

Yep!

10 Ways Hollywood Warps Our Expectations about Sex
What Does It Really Mean to be Attracted to Your Husband?

4. That the core of sexual ethics is waiting until you’re married.

We don’t talk enough about what God designed sex for–or why God made us the way He did. As Rachel Darnall said to me on Twitter,

That the core of sexual ethics is “just get married first.” No discussion of what sex is for, how to respect and care for your spouse in your sex life. As long as you’re married, any selfishness or even cruelty is permitted, because you’ve “kept the marriage bed pure.”

Yes! Sex is supposed to be about spiritual intimacy, too, and about giving to one another, rather than just getting one’s sexual needs met.

Can We Talk About Men’s and Women’s Sexual Needs in a Healthy Way?
31 Days to Great Sex (A Challenge to discover truly intimate sex together)

5. What feels good to me will feel good to my spouse

Sometimes it will, sometimes it won’t. Sometimes it does one day, and then it definitely doesn’t the next. But the idea that everything in sex needs to be mind-blowing to both people at the same time or else it’s not “good sex” is simply ridiculous. Women and men are made differently, which means different things will feel good to the man than feels good to the woman. On top of that, each individual will have different preferences, since our bodies are not only different from people of the opposite sex, we’re also not the same as people of our own sex!

You need to talk and take time to explore to figure out what feels good for each of you. And taking turns is not a bad thing!

Did you believe any of these lies young adults commonly believe about sex?Click To Tweet

This has to be one of the best (and funniest) videos explaining just what the difference is between men and women when it comes to sex:

My Husband Doesn’t Understand How Important Foreplay Is
9 Tips for Great Sex for Her
10 Ways to Make Sex Feel Amazing for Your Husband

6. All guys struggle with porn and masturbation, but it’s not normal for girls to want sex

Often the way that churches and youth groups talk about sexual temptation makes it sound like all men lust, or all men will have a lifelong struggle with pornography. But that’s simply not the case. Yes, many men will struggle with pornography. But so will many women. And many men will struggle with greed, selfishness, and a whole host of things–but the purity message of “all men lust, so girls let’s not tempt them” is stated so many times that I’ve actually known guys who didn’t struggle with porn start watching porn because they felt there was something wrong with them since they weren’t currently struggling!

Yes, we need to talk about porn and lust. But it isn’t the only sin out there, it isn’t a universal sin, and it isn’t a sin that can’t be overcome.

On the flip side, girls are not told anything about sexual temptation, even though it isn’t always men who have the higher sex drive in marriages. In around 25-30% of marriages, it’s the woman. And teenage girls and young women can be turned on by a guy with a six pack!

Not acknowledging that girls have sex drives, too, can make young women feel dirty or ashamed of their sexuality. But God created them to be sexual beings, too–and that’s OK. Sexuality is not a bad thing, God created it. But when we don’t talk about girls having a sex drive, we can take something God created for good and make girls feel ashamed and dirty because of it.

12 Ways to Help Christian Men Not Lust
Should I Marry Someone Who Uses Porn?

7. Quitting porn will be easy when you are married

This idea stems from a misunderstanding of what sex is–porn is not sex. Porn is warped sex. Married sex won’t take away the porn habit or addiction you have–it needs to be dealt with on its own.

No one would say “I’ll get over my gambling addiction when I make more money,” because the issue isn’t the amount of money–it’s the mindset around money and the way the money is being misused. It’s the same for porn.

You CAN get over porn, but marriage isn’t a fix-all for porn addiction. Instead, take real steps towards freedom now so that you don’t bring porn addiction into your marriage.

4 Things You Must Do if Your Husband Watches Porn
Does Your Spouse Have a Porn Addiction or Just a Bad Habit? The Difference Matters!
5 Steps To Actually Stop Watching Porn

8. “Making love all night” is normal.

You hear it all the times in songs and movies–they made love all night. It’s romantic, they couldn’t get enough of each other.

In reality? The deed really does not take that long. Even if he can last a very long time, no one really ever wants to have sex all night. Think about that–that’s 9 hours. Yikes.

Although women can have consecutive orgasms, men really can’t. And they have what’s called a refractory period, which means that time needs to pass before they can get rarin’ to go again. And they can only do that so many times until their body just says “no more.” So making love all night? Not realistic.

Is the way we talk about sex actually leading teens to believe all sorts of lies about it?Click To Tweet
9. If you do have sex with someone, it means they really love you and you’ll cement the relationship.

And, as the same commenter said on Facebook, too many guys believe that having sex makes you a man!

I know many teens who were committed to saving sex for marriage in theory, but then they get with a guy and they think, “ah, but this is true love. No one else has ever experienced what we are experiencing. And so it’s only natural that we should now have sex.” It’s like they let feelings take over, because they think that if they have sex, it’s more likely that the relationship will last. Unfortunately, the opposite is likely true.

10. If you’ve had sex, your purity is gone. So there’s no point holding back anymore.

This is the problem with the way we talk about sex–we don’t talk about gossiping purity, or lying purity, or cheating purity. But when it comes to sex, if you’ve done it, you have a different label. You’re no longer a virgin. You lose part of the identity that is given to you. It’s the only sin that we have labels to separate people who have done it from those who haven’t.

The Bible is clear that having sex outside of marriage affects you on a deeper level than many other sins, but that doesn’t mean that it’s an all-or-nothing kind of thing. You can have sex and repent and be washed clean of your sin, just like any other sin. But often fear tactics are used when talking about sex to the point that when someone makes a mistake, they feel their Christian life is over.

Maybe this is a better way to talk to young people who have had sex and regret it. Because Jesus’ blood really does cover all–and you are not impure.

A Letter to a Woman Who Feels Like She’s Lost Her Purity

And one bonus point:

Sex is always terrible before you’re married; and always great once you are married.

If you’re a virgin when you marry, sex will be wonderful!

Not always. But just because sex isn’t perfect on your wedding night doesn’t mean that it won’t get better.

Likewise, sex before marriage doesn’t always feel bad–in fact, many young adults start having sex and then keep having sex because, “Something that feels this good can’t be wrong!”

We’re trying so hard to keep people from having sex before marriage that we’re not giving them a complete picture. We need to talk about sex realistically. Sex feels good–there’s a reason people want to do it and why it’s difficult to stop. But sex isn’t only about how it feels; there’s a lot more to sex. And God wants us to wait for sex, that is the truth. But we need to stop trying to cram sex into a simple formula, because it’s not simple.

Remember–if you want a better perspective on what sex is, and you want to start marriage well, pick up The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex!

Did you believe any of these lies about sex? What would you add to this list? Let talk about it in the comments below!

Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!

Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually. If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.

Reader Question: Can There Be Rape in Marriage?

Is marital rape a real thing? Can there be rape in marriage?

I hate the fact that I have to ask that question, but unfortunately, I do. I have seen some blogs claiming to be from Christian men arguing that marital rape is impossible, since her body belongs to him (see here why that interpretation of 1 Corinthians 7 is ridiculous. Oh, and see this post on talking about sex as if it’s all about him is terrible, too!).

I have also seen women arguing virtually the same thing.

I seriously hope I don’t have to convince anybody that rape within marriage is possible. A wife is a person to love, not a body to use, as Leslie Vernick has said. But what worries me today is that while we may agree “rape can happen in marriage and it is terrible,” we may not agree with what constitutes rape. And I fear many women have been putting up with sexual violence without realizing it.

This week on the blog we’re going to be talking about how to defeat some sexual misperceptions, and I thought I’d jump in with a really heavy one (don’t worry; they won’t all be this serious! Some will actually be uplifting!). But to lay the groundwork, let’s go over what God means for sex to be.

Sex is a physical expression of complete and total intimacy–a deep “knowing” as it were (from the Hebrew in Genesis 4). When we make love, it’s supposed to be more than just physial.
Sex was designed so that, at the height of passion, we lose control. We become supremely vulnerable. This is about forging a deep connection with one other human being, and also showing us a mirror of what passion with God is like. It’s not about being in control; it’s about letting that intimacy wash over you.
Passion is very much from God. That’s why hot and holy can be simultaneous!

That’s how sex was designed. That is not, unfortunately, how it is always lived out. Because sex is so intensely personal, when it is perverted in any way, it hurts more than other hurts can.

Sex was made to be between two consenting, willing adults--which is why marital rape does exist.Click To Tweet

I received this letter recently:

I finally realized about 15 months ago that what has been happening to me in my marriage is sexual abuse and rape. My husband is a porn user and a prolific liar. He’s duped a lot of people, including me. I confronted him about a year ago. We’ve had some counseling, some of it has been beneficial and some of it has changed nothing. The struggle I’m having is that the church is not addressing a lot of these issues. It leaves me Feeling very lonely and without any resources to know how to handle this. I have not met one single person who’s dealt with their husband raping them and then seeing restoration in their marriage. That’s my ultimate goal, but I will not tolerate being physically violated. It’s not good for me and it’s certainly not good for his soul. I have well-meaning counselors and mentors at our church, but their perspective swings strongly in the direction of a “stay and gut it out” mentality. I lean a little more in the direction of gut it out as long as I can but eventually an in-house separation and/or out of house separation may be necessary. Both to hold him accountable and allow me to heal from this trauma.

I want this post to answer her request–to talk about what marital rape really looks like. She says that she only recognized that she was being assaulted after many years of marriage, because rape in marriage doesn’t always look like what we think it will. So let’s go through this:

Rape is about forcing someone to accept sexual penetration of any kind against their will.

When we picture rape, we usually picture the force as being physical. However, there are other kinds of force.

If a husband is angry and potentially acting violent or verbally abusive, and you try to placate him by having sex to protect yourself or your children, then that is rape.
If a husband routinely physically abuses you, and you find that he does so less often if you have sex more, then that sex is rape.
If a husband doesn’t give you any access to money or groceries or toiletries unless you regularly have sex with him, that is rape.
If a husband routinely verbally abuses you, and tells you that you are worthless, and tells you that God will be angry with you if you do not have sex with him whenever he wants, and pressures you psychologically, insinuating that you will be disobeying God, that is rape.
If a husband regularly has sex with you while you are sleeping (whether or not he wakes you up in the process), after you have told him that you do not want him doing that, that is rape.
If a husband tells you that if you do not have sex with him, he will look at porn, go on sex chat websites, go to strip clubs, or visit prostitutes, that is rape.

These things may not be able to be prosecuted in a court of  law, but they are evil. To rape is to take someone sexually without their consent, and coercion of any kind means that consent is not possible.

Compliance does not equal consent. Just because you go along with it does not mean that you were going along with it willingly.

Let's make this clear: having sex with your spouse because of coercion or fear is marital rape.Click To Tweet
What doesn’t count as rape?

If you have sex with your husband when you don’t particularly want to and aren’t in the mood, but you do so willingly, without fear, and don’t voice the fact that you don’t want to, that isn’t rape.
If you willingly do a sexual act that you don’t want to do, but do so without your husband threatening you, that isn’t rape.
If you are tired and would rather go to sleep, but your husband really wants to, and you don’t say no, that isn’t rape.
If you have sex with your husband and never get any pleasure out of it, and he doesn’t seem to care, that isn’t rape in and of itself.

Many women (and some men!) have sex without really wanting to, but they do so for a number of reasons: they figure it helps out their spouse, and won’t really take that long; they feel guilty because they haven’t had sex in a while; they want to bless their spouse; they hope that it may bring some peace to their relationship.

Often they have sex and get no pleasure, but they haven’t expressed their disappointment to their spouse, or haven’t said that they would prefer something different. They also haven’t explicitly said no to advances.

These things may not be ideal (the ideal would be for the wife to be able to willingly jump in, and for each party to care about the other’s pleasure), but these instances aren’t rape. Consent is still there.

Personally, I would prefer that they work on their sex life, learn that sex can be so much better, and realize that women’s sexual pleasure matters, but these are not, in and of themselves, rape.

Want to work towards a HEALTHY, MUTUAL sex life?
Check out 31 Days to Great Sex!

It’s a series of challenges that you can do with your spouse to help sex become awesome physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

You’ll experience how sex is not only about physical release, but is also about feeling close. And as you feel close, the physical actually gets better!

Learn to spice things up while also loving each other more.

Check it out here!

But consent isn’t there when she is forced physically or forced mentally in order to avoid a serious consequence.

When we picture rape as always being a woman being pulled into the bushes, or a man holding her down and ripping off her clothes and doing something to her, then we may miss many instances that truly are rape.

That’s why talking about this clearly matters.

Sex was meant to be mutual. It is not meant to be about using one another. Click To Tweet

Sex was meant to be mutual. It is not meant to be about using one another. It is about intimacy, not just sexual release. When we treat it as something that he is owed or that he can take, then we diminish her, we diminish sex, and we diminish marriage.

So let’s stop the language of “she belongs to him.” She is not an object. And until we begin to say that clearly, we won’t address the problem of marital rape, because we’ll give cover to selfishness.

What do you think of these definitions of marital rape? Have I left some out? Should some not be there? Let’s talk in the comments!