Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 116

How Having a Dog Has Helped Our Marriage

This week we’ve been talking about the tough parts of marriage.

We wanted to leave the week on a more uplifting note, though, and since today is my eldest’s birthday, I thought she could write a quick, lighthearted post about something she loves.

And what she really loves is her dog that she and Connor adopted last year. So I thought all you dog lovers would enjoy it!

Here’s Becca!

For as long as I can remember, I’ve wanted a dog.

My dad was super allergic, though, and we travelled a lot as a family so it just never happened. But for Christmas I’d get a Sleepy Puppies calendar, in art class I’d draw fluffy Pomeranians and droopy bloodhounds, and when I wrote short stories the love interest always had a dog.

Fast forward to university. I met a guy who was just as obsessed with dogs as I was–he had a whippet and a boxer growing up, and his parents had just adopted their first rescue pup, too. When Connor saw how stressed I was with school and how much the corgis who hung out around campus helped, he started seriously considering getting a dog for us.

I think he was a little less thrilled when I said I wanted a tiny toy breed, but I quickly won him over.

We looked for the right dog for months. I didn’t want to do the whole pet shop thing because of the puppy mills that the dogs come from, so we researched breeders and looked on Kijiji for older dogs that needed homes.

And then we found Winston.

I saw Winston online, called his owner, and then called Connor and told him, “I found a dog, we’re going to meet him tonight!”

Within 5 hours, he was ours.

Winston 2 hours after adopting him. (He would soon ruin that couch.)

I was so happy that I don’t think I stopped crying for about 4 hours after we got him. We adopted him directly from his previous owners who simply couldn’t take care of him anymore because of a family situation. We brought him home on March 31st, and I remember telling Connor, “I’m just so scared I’m going to wake up tomorrow and find out this has just been a huge April Fool’s joke!”

When we got him, he wasn’t entirely house trained (as our couch soon found out), and he hadn’t been groomed in 9 months (which is bad for Yorkies) and was used to eating human food almost exclusively. So it was a bit of work to get him to learn what his new rules would be. He still hates getting brushed, especially his face.

After we got him his first haircut–I didn’t even recognize him!

Getting Winston has made me even more grateful to have married someone like Connor.

I live in my head a bit. I’m constantly thinking about “What if?” and have 1 million dreams at any given moment that I’m working towards.

Connor’s a bit more spontaneous than I am. I said, “I want a dog” and he says, “That sounds great” and actually gets me a dog. If I was on my own, I likely would have talked myself out of it. 

When Winston started having joint problems, Connor kept his cool when I was freaking out. When he stopped eating, Connor reminded me that kibble probably just doesn’t taste as good as the human food he’s used to (and sure enough, he started eating again after 48 hours).

But at the same time, I’m the one who makes sure that he does his exercises for his knee, keeps up with vet visits and grooming, and goes for walks (although we can’t get him to walk in the winter–any small-dog owners in colder climates with tips? Right now I’m just getting him to play a lot indoors so he gets exercise).

We balance each other nicely, and having Winston has brought us even closer.

Our first Halloween

Most of all, having a dog has just made me stupidly happy.

I think that we often forget that sometimes it’s the small things that bring the most joy. For me, it’s a 5-pound grumpy old-man yorkie. Yes, it’s a lot of work and having a dog is a bit inconvenient when it comes to travelling. But as an extrovert who works from home and finds it difficult to be “in the moment” he is the perfect companion.

It’s difficult to get too caught up worrying about the future when this face is staring up at you, asking for belly rubs:

Winston today

But having a dog has actually helped our marriage become even more fun. And here’s how:

1. More time together

This is the most obvious one. We take walks, we teach him tricks (he’s actually quite smart), and we just spend time playing with him. We spent time together before the dog, of course, but it’s nice to have that shared play time where we can just be silly rough-housing with the dog (as much as you can rough-house with a 5 pound yorkie).

2. Winston reduces the stress level in the house

I’m very high-strung. Having a dog has helped so much. I am so grateful I had him over this summer when I was working on launching my book! I just sat at my desk with my tiny dog in my lap for hours and feeling him cuddle up to me made the stress just melt away when before I likely would have begun to panic.

3. He keeps us on a schedule

I have to feed him, walk him (or get him to exercise inside if he won’t brave the cold), and give him enough attention for him to feel loved and secure. It helps my days feel more structured, even when I’m sick or overwhelmed with work.

4. We spend more time just cuddling

We’ll lie in bed reading books with Winston curled up between us every night. It’s my favourite part of the day!

5. We share a bond with our dog

I’m not one of those people who thinks that having a dog is the same as having a kid (please, most parents would give anything for their kid to sleep more than half the day), but you do feel quite protective when you have a dog. He’s yours, and Connor and I really feel like we’ve made a little family. And it makes us feel so much closer to have that shared love that no one else really gets.

This year has been such a blessing for our marriage. 

We’re both working and out of school, we’ve finally found an apartment without any violent crime or black mould, and we have our little dog. I’m looking forward to what 2018 will bring our family!

Thanks, Honey! And Happy Birthday! (And Winston is really cute).

Becca’s on her way over right now because she’s hosting Katie’s bachelorette party. A whole lot of girls are coming to our house, and Keith and I are vacating. So she’ll spend her birthday celebrating Katie’s upcoming wedding. It’s okay; I still bought her chocolate cake!

(If you want to see all about it, make sure you’re signed up for my weekly email! Next week I’ll include pictures!

The Pain of Infidelity: Do We Treat Cheating too Cavalierly?

Infidelity really is playing with fire.

When a spouse betrays you in an affair, the pain is just so real, as we’ve been talking about all week.

I know this is a hard week for many of you to read, but I just want to take a moment today and say this: for those of you who have walked through this, I am so, so sorry. I really can’t imagine anything much worse (and I’ve lost a child). The idea of Keith betraying me is staggering. When Christopher died, it wasn’t my son’s fault. He didn’t reject me. But for Keith to reject me? (and I don’t believe he ever would, by the way). That would be awful.

A woman recently wrote me to say this:

I am so angered over divorce! And I was thinking lately how the church is so consumed with its stance on homosexuals, and politics, and drinking etc… all these issues.. where is the stance on the cheating spouse? It seems that once the cheater has remarried, churches preach forgiveness of past sins and grace for mistakes. We as Christians should extend grace to sinners, but not in a way it can be abused. What if cheating was the biggest taboo in the church? It seems instead to be the pardonable forgivable sin. PS: I was not cheated on, I have a loving faithful husband, but my dad cheated on my mom, and I have numerous friends where this has happened.

I get you. I really do. I think we just don’t give credence to how much affairs just plain HURT.


I remember a news report of a crime that really didn’t surprise me.

A guy was fooling around on his wife with three different women, none of whom knew any of the others, including the wife, existed. The wife finds out and calls the three women to tell them. Instead of confronting the cheat, they decide to get revenge. One lures him to a hotel room where she manages to get him to agree to being tied up. Then the other two enter and do things with him that include crazy glue.

They’re now on trial for assault.

I’m not saying that they shouldn’t be charged with a crime; but at the same time, I don’t think our society gives enough weight to the devastation involved when someone we trust cheats on us sexually. That is a huge betrayal.

Adultery Causes Immense Pain

I remember reading the story twenty years ago of the housewife who was married to an upper class guy. She had dropped her career to care for their four children, and nurture his career, and then he had dumped her for a gorgeous secretary or something like that. To top it all off, he arranged for his wife to get very little money, and humiliated her in the divorce proceedings. One night, she sneaks into his bedroom and shoots both him and his new lover.

I forget what sentence she got, but again, I couldn’t help feeling a little uneasy. Should she be tried? Yes. She broke the law. But so did he, just in a different way. And when you go about cheating on someone, you should realize that you’re putting in place a chain of events in your life that you won’t be able to control. You’re playing with fire.

The Pain of Infidelity Naturally Leads to Other Horrible Things

Our society denigrates the true feelings of betrayal that people have. The idea is that we should all just “act like adults” and “get over it” is predominant in our legal system, and indeed, our culture. In my extended family, for instance, one woman cheated on her husband, who had been a great provider and who was a great dad, and walked out. But she still gets joint custody, she still gets a huge chunk of his money (and any raises he gets in the future), and she gets half of the retirement savings. It’s all part of “no fault divorce”. No one can be blamed, so everything’s divided up equally.

But imagine that. Your husband cheats, and now you have to go get a job, he gets the kids halftime, and there’s nothing you can do about it. The law expects you to grin and bear it, because these things happen.

The law expects you to 'grin and bear' through divorce because these things just happen. Click To Tweet

Maybe they do, but they’re not supposed to. I don’t think that scorned wife would have been charged in that double homicide a hundred and fifty years ago. I think people would have assumed he had it coming. And in the first case, the one with the three women and the crazy glue, I don’t think there would have been charges even 75 years ago. No real harm was done (although I’m sure he lost some skin), and again, he had it coming.

We think that we have progressed because we no longer allow these kinds of “crimes of passion”, but I wonder if in the meantime we have begun to excuse major sexual sin. We don’t realize the true consequences of sexual betrayal. And to say that all parties should move on, and not assign blame, is treating the human condition in a rather naive manner (I’m obviously not condoning crime as a response to an affair, but do we as a society fail to understand how devastating it is by not holding the guilty party to any sort of justice?).

We don't realize the true consequences of sexual betrayal, which undermines the pain of it all.Click To Tweet
The Only Way to Find Healing from the Pain of Infidelity is in God

When you are betrayed, there is a little part of all of us that flips out. And the only way to avoid the revenge is just to take it to Jesus and ask for His grace. And even then, it’s going to be hard to get over infidelity. At least God acknowledges that this kind of betrayal is very serious, unlike our legal system. Only He can help us forgive and move on (and here are some wonderful books on surviving an affair). I don’t think it’s easy to do this on your own. And that’s why, whenever I hear stories like this in the news, I find myself perhaps a little too sympathetic to the woman with the Crazy glue, or the gun, or the knife. I can only imagine what that must feel like. And I can only pray that God gives them grace–and me grace if I were to need it after something that bad.

If we want to heal from sexual betrayal, we need to view adultery the way God views adultery.Click To Tweet

I’m not saying our legal system should excuse these crimes; I’m only saying that I’m uncomfortable with how nonchalantly we treat adultery. And I agree with this woman–too often someone will cheat on their spouse, divorce, remarry, and then happily be accepted into a new church (or even a new pastorate).

How do we balance forgiveness with acknowledging the incredible destructiveness and pain of infidelity? What do you think? Let’s talk in the comments!

Wifey Wednesday: How Do We Move Forward After a One Night Stand?

Is a one night stand “better” than an affair? Is it easier to get over?

Every Wednesday we talk marriage, and this week on To Love, Honor and Vacuum we’ve been talking about some pretty big marriage problems, and how to move forward. I’ve talked a lot about how to forgive your husband and how to move forward after an affair on the blog, but what do you do if it’s “just” a one-night stand? Does that matter?

I recently had a woman write this:

My husband confessed to me this summer that he had a one-night stand while he was traveling for work. He is in the military, and frequently gone, sometimes for extended periods of time. There is no porn issue, it was not something he sought after, it was not an affair involving social media. The only contact he had after (she apparently gave him her number) was to ensure she was not pregnant. To make it even more painful, I was seven months’ pregnant at the time of the affair. I have always been the higher-drive spouse, so it wasn’t because I was refusing him. We both waited for marriage to have sex, he was very haughty and would take offense at the idea that he would ever cheat on me — cheating is very common in our unit. So though I had repeatedly reminded him he needed to set better boundaries (he was, until the affair, completely open and honest about when women would approach him on the road and how he handled the situation), my concerns were always dismissed. I believe he was overwhelmed by external factors, including a lot of work stress, away from me (and his heart was away from God), and bad combination of too much alcohol, exhaustion, the wrong buddies and the right temptation led to a life-shattering decision. I told him I forgave him and we’re working through it. He told me a week before our anniversary. But, it’s painful for me to listen to our wedding service, a tradition I used to enjoy, on our anniversary. I took off my ring; it’s supposed to be a symbol of a covenant he made for life. We tried to seek Christian counseling, but we are stationed overseas, and he was since surprised with an extended deployment, so we were only able to meet with a counselor once. He originally wanted to rush a vow renewal before the deployment as a way to show me that he would be faithful, but to be honest, his vow doesn’t mean much to me at this of the Christian resources i’ve seen online are not for the random, unexpected, accidental one-night stand.. So my question is this: How do I go about a real vow renewal? Does it even matter, because I’m not sure if I’ll ever fully trust him again? Do you have any suggestions? We have not told our families about the affair and do not intend to, so the renewal would be for us and not in a public setting.

An affair is an affair is an affair–even if it’s just a one-night stand affair!

To the woman who wrote this: I’m so sorry. I really am. Just because he didn’t have a long-term relationship with this woman doesn’t mean that it hurts any less. It really doesn’t.

And in fact, when a guy says, “it didn’t mean anything”, that’s almost more painful.

How can sex not mean anything?

Does that mean that when he has sex with me, it doesn’t mean anything? Certainly the sexes approach sex differently, but this is a huge roadblock for many women in getting past a betrayal by a husband. It isn’t just that he broke the vows; it’s that he took something that we thought was sacred and treated it so cavalierly. Is he even capable of seeing sex as sacred? It’s not just the exclusiveness we’ve lost; it’s the value that we placed on our sex life in the first place.

So I just want to say–I get it. And I don’t think that you have to diminish the reality of what a one-night stand means to your marriage just because the affair went no further than that. It was still a very hurtful thing.

We can’t really heal from a one-night stand until we confront the severity of it.

When there’s been a betrayal like this, the instinct can often be panic: we don’t want to lose the marriage, so let’s try hard to recommit and rebuild so that we don’t have to fear that we’ve lost everything.

That doesn’t work.

When there’s been a betrayal, then something has died. Your relationship, as you knew it, has died. That does not mean that you’ve lost all the good parts of it. Not by any means! But the sum total of the relationship isn’t what you thought.

You need to be able to let go of what you thought you had so that you can build something new.

That new thing that you build may even be better than what you built before. Because you do it carefully, and you do it truthfully, many couples end up even more intimate than they were before! But that only happens when you’re totally honest.

The new thing you build can include the good from the old thing too. And it can include the new ways that you’ve come to see forgiveness and frailty and the need to hold on to God.

But you can’t have that new thing until you stop trying to pretend the old thing is just fine.

Like Jesus says in Mark 2:22:

And no one pours new wine into old wineskins. Otherwise, the wine will burst the skins, and both the wine and the wineskins will be ruined. No, they pour new wine into new wineskins.

He was talking about the purpose for His life, but I think it applies here, too. We have to be willing to build something new, which means that we have to be willing to let go of the old.

When rebuilding a marriage, we have to be willing to let go of the old & accept the new.Click To Tweet

I’m not talking about divorce or stopping loving someone; I’m just saying that you have to be able to mourn what you had before you can build that new thing. And that’s why forgiveness can’t be rushed.

Putting a time frame on forgiveness is often counterproductive

And it’s also why putting a time frame on something isn’t always wise.

The husband here wants to renew the vows on an artificial timeline–because he’s being deployed. It’s totally understandable, but it’s likely not a smart idea. They don’t need a vow renewal; they need to confront the reality of what happened and then slowly be able to build something new and move ahead. For some couples, a one-time thing can signal that transition. For most, though, that transition is gradual, until one day you wake up and realize that you’ve crossed a rubicon and you’re really okay now. But it’s an internal thing, when you realize that you can forgive, rather than an external forgiveness you force upon yourself.

So what should you do to heal from a one-night stand?

Their life is messy–he’s about to leave again. They need to have certain boundaries in place so that this doesn’t happen again (better friends, less alcohol, more sleep, more accountability). They need to figure out ways they can keep communicating while he’s gone.

But they also need to take a big step back and realize this:

God loves reconciliation. God is big enough to help us build something new. And that’s what God wants for us. But God will do it. We don’t have to force it. So we can trust that even though the timing is really lousy, God is bigger than the timing. And if we both keep leaning on God, He’s going to bring us through this together, even if we can’t see how right now.

She’s asking, “will I ever trust him again?” That’s the most understandable question to ask. But can I suggest a different one? Ask this:

Can I trust that God will bring about what He wants in our relationship?

And then lean into God as hard as you can. Ask your husband to lean in, too. If you both focus on God, rather than trying to fix your marriage, your marriage will grow closer even as you’re apart from each other. And you just may find that you honestly can trust your husband again! But if you put fixing your marriage ahead of leaning on God, you may settle for a superficial forgiveness that doesn’t get to the heart of the real healing and work that God wants to do in your lives.

Don’t get me wrong–I do believe that there is a point where God asks us to let go of the hurt and walk forward. But I also believe that time is in God’s timing, not in our timing. When you hear God whisper that to you, then move forward. But right now, if God is mostly asking you to trust Him and to lean on Him, then do that first.

When dealing with an affair, forgiveness shouldn't be rushed. God's healing can take some time.Click To Tweet

And that’s how you’ll grow together, even after a one-night stand.

What do you think? Have you ever had to heal from an affair? How did you find the process of forgiveness went? Let’s talk in the comments!

10 Tips for Talking to Your Kids About Your Marriage Problems

How do you talk to your kids about your marriage problems?

It’s Rebecca here on the blog today tackling that big question: what do you tell your kid when you and your spouse just aren’t getting along? We’re in the middle of a week talking about how to handle big marriage issues, and Mom asked if I would tackle this one since I’ve just done so much research into how a parents’ marriage affects their kids.

I’m not going to address this from the perspective of the wife, though–I want to give you a glimpse into what your kids need from their point of view. Because if you’re able to see this from your kid’s perspective, it can change the conversation entirely.

Here are 10 things to keep in mind when talking to your kids about your marriage problems:

1. Kids already know something’s going on

Kids can tell when something’s wrong between their parents. They hear their parents fighting, and they get scared. They feel there’s tension in the house, and they wonder–“Did I do something wrong?”

Many parents are scared to talk to their kids about why Mom and Dad are fighting because they want their family to seem perfect. But all that does for kids is leave them in uncertainty–they know something’s wrong, but they don’t know what or why. And when they don’t know why, they usually assume that they are the problem. So don’t be afraid to talk about it, especially if your kids bring it up!

2. Focus on age-appropriate conversations

Kids may already know something is wrong, but they often don’t know what is wrong. When telling them, sticking to age-appropriate conversation is key. You don’t need to explain the complicated inner workings of your relationship; it can often be as simple as,

“Mom and Dad are just fighting right now because we’re trying to make a big decision and disagree about what is the right decision. But it’s OK–we still love each other, and we will sort this out soon.”

All kids really need is an acknowledgement that something is wrong, a short explanation that it is between mom and dad and not their fault, and then reassurance that they are always loved.

3. Using your kids to get the upper hand is wrong

If you’re fighting and the kids are present, dragging them into it to prove a point is always wrong. Always. I’ve seen parents who are fighting (especially about parenting) pull in the kids and say, “What do you think, do you agree with mom, or dad?”

I cannot say how incredibly inappropriate that is to do. It doesn’t matter if you’re right and he’s wrong, putting your kid on the spot where he has to choose between his parents isn’t fair to the kid.

10 things to remember when talking to your kids about marriage problems: Click To Tweet
4. The goal is not to get the kids on your side against Dad

When you’re having marriage problems, it can be easy to get into a “me against him” mentality. And it can be easy to drag your kids into that, too. 

When talking to your kids about marriage problems, make sure not to belittle your husband. Talking badly about your husband, especially when he’s not there to defend himself, will either make your children really uncomfortable because they love and respect their dad, or else it’ll make them choose sides. Neither of those results are healthy.

Their dad will always be there dad–even if he’s in the wrong. Belittling him isn’t a healthy way to talk to your kids. And John Gottman found that contempt is one of the #1 predictors of divorce. Rolling your eyes when your spouse says something, or letting the kids get away with doing that, is showing contempt. I have friends whose mom frequently jokes about how pathetic her husband can be with her kids, and they all share a big laugh. But while that makes her feel better, because the kids agree with her, it puts those kids in a terrible position. And it gets the culture of contempt in their home.

5. When telling the truth, stick to the facts

This can be difficult because marital problems are really emotional, but sticking to the facts is key. Explaining that dad said something that hurt mom’s feelings is very different than talking about every single thing dad has done wrong and how you’re just so annoyed at him right now.

6. Your kids can’t be your emotional support

This can be even more difficult as your kids enter the teenage years, because they can truly become your friends. But friendships need boundaries–and when it comes to your relationship with your kids, an important boundary to maintain is one of respect for their parents.

You can talk to your teenagers about what’s bothering you or the stress you’re facing without them becoming your confidant. That’s what your adult friendships are for, or adult family members!

Want to know the secret to having a healthy relationship with your teen?
I interviewed 25 young adults to talk about their teenage and find out what made some kids rebel while other kids had amazing relationships with their parents all through high school.

And I put my findings and the interviews in a book called Why I Didn’t Rebel.

Your family doesn’t need to suffer through teenage rebellion–the teenage years aren’t doomed! In fact, they can actually be a lot of fun.

Check it out!

7. Watching you resolve conflict can be quite helpful for kids


Struggling with talking to your kids about your marriage problems? Here are 10 things to know:Click To Tweet

Seeing parents fight and resolve isn’t always a traumatic event. When you are able to resolve conflict in a healthy, constructive way it gives kids the tools for conflict resolution they may need in future relationships.

So don’t only talk about marital problems while they are happening–you can touch base after, too. If your kids ask if you are still fighting, explain, “you know how Mom and Dad weren’t getting along earlier? We’re all better now because we decided to listen to each other instead of yell at each other. Sometimes it’s easier just to yell when you’re mad–but when you stop yelling and start to listen to the other person, you might learn something that can help.”

When Katie and I were younger, Mom and Dad would sometimes get annoyed with each other, especially when driving. There’d be a lot of tension in the car! But they always worked it out, too. So while we listened when they ticked each other off, we also listened when they got through it. It taught us that having conflict isn’t the end of the world, and it also modelled how to deal with it.

8. Give these conversations the respect they need

If your kid asks you, “Why are you guys fighting so much?” don’t brush them off because you’re running late for soccer. Sit down and have an honest conversation right then and there. This is something that is deeply affecting your child, especially if it’s gotten to the point where your child is bringing it up. Give that conversation the respect it needs by giving your kid your full attention, even if it means being 15 minutes late or leaving the chores for a few more minutes.

Often parents brush off these conversations with a pat answer or they get frustrated because they come at inconvenient times. But take a moment, take a breath, and put yourself into your kid’s shoes–he’s asking for a reason. He’s scared, confused, or feels guilty because of the conflict in the house. What he needs more than being at soccer on time is to know that he is safe, loved, and that it’s not his fault.

9. Whenever possible, you owe it to your kids to sort out your marriage problems

Marriage problems take their toll on the kids. It’s just the truth–it doesn’t matter how well you handle it, it adds stress and fear into kids’ lives. And the unfair part is that kids never asked for any of it to happen! So when marriage problems come up, it really does feel like they’re happening to the kid, too–but the kid feels powerless.

It’s like in the movie The Incredibles when the children Violet and Dash are fighting, and Dash yells,

“Don’t you realize that our parents lives may be at stake! Or even worse, their marriage?!?”

To Dash, divorce was worse than death. This is serious stuff. And kids often assume that if  you’re fighting you’ll get divorced.

So if you are experiencing marriage difficulties, you owe it to your kids to put your all into fixing them–even if that means admitting that you’re in the wrong or making some really hard sacrifices. I watched so many of my friends struggle after their parents divorced for selfish reasons, and that is never fair to the kids.

10. Your kids can survive even the worst case scenario

However, not all marriage problems can be resolved. If you’re in a marriage that needs to end for your safety or because your spouse has completely disregarded your vows, know that your children can survive this.

As Christians, we are commanded to live in truth–and sometimes the truth isn’t easy. Sometimes the truth is that a spouse has had multiple affairs, has a gambling addiction that they refuse to deal with, or is emotionally abusive.

If this is happening and you’re talking your kids through it, focus on what the truth is. The truth is, your family is hurting right now. The truth is, you wish it wasn’t this way. But the overwhelming truth is that God is still with you, with your family, and with your children.

10 Things to Remember when Talking To Your Kids About Your Marriage Problems: Click To Tweet

Talking to your kids shouldn’t be scary.

But often parents are at a loss when it comes to discussing the hard things with their teenagers.

I interviewed 25 young adults, asking them what made them choose to rebel or to stay on the straight-and-narrow, and I got an overwhelming amount of information about what parents can do to talk to their kids effectively, building that relationship that is so great we believe it only happens in cheesy movies!

I put the secrets to forming a great relationship with your teen in Why I Didn’t Rebel, which is pretty much a hand-guide to understanding your teen–written from the kid’s perspective! Parents, this is about as close as you can get to peeking into your teen’s brain.

My number one dream with this book is that parents and teens are able to reconnect and build that relationship that can withstand anything. My parents are some of my greatest friends–and I want that for your family, too.

Check it out

What do you think? Have you ever had to talk to your kids about what’s going on with their parents? How did it go?

 

Reader Question: Why Are We Feeling Distant AFTER Dealing with our Problems?

Why is that one step forward often means two steps back when you’re trying to fix big marriage problems?

This week on the blog we’re going to be looking at how to tackle big things in your marriage. And one thing I’ve noticed is that often when you start healing, marriage suddenly gets worse. It seems almost counterintuitive. But that’s what this woman found, who recently reached out to me about her marriage. She writes:

We have been married for 5 years and blessed with a little one this past April. We’ve gone through many struggles the past 5 years, most of which has been healed. We both had sex before marriage and had a rocky start to our relationship, ending up with infidelity a little over a year ago. We’ve grown, forgiven, healed.Changing my mindset has been the hardest- years of destruction in behavior, confronting how I was raised. So recently I started reading more from you about how to improve our sex life and grow and hopefully repair some of the damage that many years have caused. I got excited about it, but now my husband feels inadequate. He’s crushed and I’m crushed. We’re even sleeping so far apart now! I still can’t talk to my husband about what I want! It’s frustrating. But through all of this, I can’t keep but wondering “why?”, why did I want to change something that was working and now is not?

That is a really common dynamic, and I want to explain what often happens. I don’t know more about this woman’s marriage, so I’ll just talk in general generic terms. But here goes!

Every marriage has an equilibrium. When you disrupt it, life gets messy.

Why would marriage get more difficult AFTER progress has been made and right when you’re trying to improve it?

When you fix marriage problems, you have to find a new normal--and sometimes that can be messy!Click To Tweet

Because you’re upsetting the apple cart.

Every marriage has an equilibrium, a balance where you each know what’s expected of you. That balance isn’t necessarily healthy. Your habits aren’t necessarily good ones. But they are your “normal”. When you decide that you want a new normal, that puts a lot of pressure on your spouse, because now they don’t know what’s expected of them. They were used to a certain way of doing life (even if it wasn’t a good way), and now it’s like they’re dropped out of a plane without a parachute. They don’t know what’s happening.

Any time you don’t know what’s happening is scary, even if the change is good. Why do families self-destruct after they win millions in a lottery? Because their whole way of life is gone and they’re at a loss as to what to do now.

Progress and healing inevitably bring a lot of confusion. It’s like how life often gets more complicated right after you become a Christian. Sure, that’s a great decision to make, but now nobody knows how to relate to you. You don’t know how to do life anymore. You need to learn a bunch of new habits. It may be an exciting time, but that doesn’t mean it’s an easy one.

When you heal, you walk into truth. But some people are not used to living in truth.

There’s another element to this, too. All healing, of any type, comes down to this:

You choose to see your life in the same way that God sees it.

You line your vision up with God’s, and you decide to walk in truth.

That’s healing. That’s maturity. That gives you the ability to move forward.

When you deal with sin, you walk into truth. But some people are not used to living in truth.Click To Tweet

But walking in truth can also be very intimidating, and not everyone is ready for it. I talked before Christmas about the situation where family members are estranged from one another. I talked about why siblings will often choose a dysfunctional relationship with a parent over a loving relationship with a sibling. Because they have unmet needs for acceptance from a parent, and they haven’t been able to take that need to God yet, then they will keep living the lie that their parents demand they do rather than admit that the parental relationship is destructive as the sibling wants them to. They will choose the lie over truth because it allows them to preserve the illusion that they may one day get the acceptance they yearn for from parents.

It doesn’t work, of course. But living in truth means understanding that some of these things our inmost selves desperately yearn for–like love from parents, acceptance from others, praise from important people–may never happen. That’s hard to face up to. Instead, many people continue to live a shame-based or illusion-based life rather than a truth-based life.

What that may mean is that you may have been able to walk forward in truth, but your husband may not be there yet. And you can’t force him to face up to truth. Just because you have healed doesn’t mean that your husband has, and so you wanting to improve things may be making him go faster than he’s emotionally ready for.

Sometimes our healing isn’t as simultaneous as it may seem.

You may feel as if you’ve come a long way in your marriage. You’ve dealt with baggage from the past. You’ve dealt with the infidelity.

And so now you don’t just want to get rid of the crud; you want to build some new stuff!

But it could be that your spouse just hasn’t come as far down that road as you have. It may not just be emotional issues either; especially where infidelity is concerned, there could be some major trust issues. In this woman’s letter, she said that there was infidelity last year, but she didn’t lay out who had the affair. Let’s say, for the sake of argument, that it was her. She cheated on him. And they’ve obviously worked through that and had counseling. If she’s the one who has cheated, I’m sure she’d like nothing better than to look forward and move forward!

Dealing with marriage problems? Remember, you may heal at different rates--have grace & patience!Click To Tweet

Infidelity, though, can be very hard to get past. And if you’re the one who has cheated, and you regret it and you’re now super motivated to build a great marriage, and you come to your husband and say, “I’ve got all these great ideas on how we can improve our sex life!”, that really can be very intimidating. He may still not be completely over the affair, and you saying, “I want to fix our sex life” can easily sound like, “the fact that our sex life was lousy is why I had an affair, and if you don’t step up, I may again.” This obviously is not what she means. But can you see how that may be the message he’s hearing?

Even if he’s the one who has had the affair, she still may be miles ahead in healing. He still may not have completely dealt with the intimacy issues (not necessarily sex issues, but intimacy issues) that caused him to stray in the first place. If someone is not used to living in complete intimacy with another person, then the thought of trying to create a great sex life can sound scary.

Yes, you may have gone over the ways that you were hurt as a child, and you may have worked through the infidelity. But just remember that your spouse may not be at the same place, and give him grace to keep growing.

Be careful of insecurities!

And especially give him grace in areas that he may be insecure. If you’ve suddenly decided that your sex life could be much better, and you study how to make it better (by buying The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, for instance, or reading a ton of posts on this blog), that can make it sound like you don’t think he’s a good lover. Or if you finally realize that the reason you guys are in debt is because you don’t have a plan, and you go overboard with Dave Ramsey and build a super detailed budget, he can feel like you think he’s irresponsible.

If he has insecurities in an area, just recognize that before you barge straight in. And that leaves me my last point:

Remember the goal: Keep connecting. Then you can address other things!

Look, when you’ve had a really messed up past, and you finally admit it to yourself and realize that you don’t have to live that way, it’s exhilirating.

You can make all these plans for how to fix every area of your life. You’re going to fix your sex life. You’re going to fix your finances. You’re going to eat better. EVERYTHING is going to be awesome!

But the problem with this approach is that the goal becomes I am going to fix my life. Because you’re so excited about it, you want your husband to jump on board too, and start fixing his life with you.

When your goal is to fix your life, though, then it makes it sound like you’re saying:

I don’t like my life the way it is now.

And your husband is a huge part of your life now! So it can seem like it’s a rejection of him.

I have found, though, that a simple switch in how you frame things can turn the whole thing around.

Instead of the goal being, “I want to fix my life“, the goal can become: “I love you so much that I want to grow closer to you in this way…” The goal becomes closer connection and intimacy with your husband, not fixing your life.

Can you see how that’s an easier thing to get on board with?

If it’s your sex life, for instance, instead of saying something like:

I know sex can get better. I’ve got all these ideas! Let’s try them!

you can say,

I want us to feel so intimate sexually, and I’d love to grow even closer to you. I’ve got some ideas. Can we talk about them?

One sounds like a veiled rejection or insult. The other sounds like a bid to connect.

One of the most exciting times in your life and periods of the biggest growth is when you realize how counterproductive and toxic much of your approach to your life and marriage has been, and how it doesn’t have to be like that. But that time has a lot of dangers, too. So just be careful that in your enthusiasm you don’t inadvertently push your spouse away. Keep the focus on connecting. And you’ll likely find that’s much easier for everyone to handle!

What do you think? Has your marriage ever been in the situation where you thought it was getting better–and then your husband (or wife) pulled away? Let’s talk in the comments!

How Moms Can Stop Feeling So Overburdened

Dear Mom: Are you just plain tired? Do you struggle with hearing God on a daily basis because life is just too LOUD?

How do you “practice the presence of God”, or feel God, in your daily life of laundry and cooking and cleaning and working? Does God feel like something else on your to-do list?

I get it. And I recently read the most encouraging little book from Megan LaFollett. She took the letters that Brother Lawrence, a 17th century monk, wrote, and then wrote her own in response to modern day moms. And they’re seriously awesome–I highly recommend it as a devotional book (plus, you can get a chapter for free here)!

If you’re looking for a new devotional book for 2018, this would be my #1 choice.

I was really moved by one of the letters in particular, and I asked Megan if I could run it today, in the hopes that it would encourage you, too.

Dear Sister,

As a grad-student mom, as a stay-at-home mom, as a work-from-home mom, and as a part-time office mom…I speak from experience that the idea of regular spiritual practices seems at best a fairytale and at worst a source of guilt and failure.

Prayer, silence, solitude, fasting…

I can’t even use the bathroom unattended by need and noise.

This is where the monks have got a distinct advantage!

Praise God that He seeks us in the noise, because I can’t find the volume button.


Praise God that He seeks us in the noise, because I can’t find the volume button.Click To Tweet

Jesus showed us how to live—but he did not, does not, expect the ministry of a mother to look like the ministry of a first-century single, childless rabbi.

Hear this.

God gives us rest. He commands us to love Him and love one another, and to make disciples as we go. He came to set you FREE from sin—and free, oh-so free, from condemnation.

The classic spiritual practices can help us see, touch, hear, and understand God more.

Check out Megan La Follett’s book here

When they are done in the power of the Holy Spirit, out of a heart of obedience and a desire to seek God’s face.

They are meant as a gift, a set of tools.

If a tool isn’t doing the work it is intended for, if it is rubbing your hands raw, you should put it down.

Tools—spiritual habits—are meant to aid you, not harm you.

[SIDEBAR: Yes, it takes discipline to establish a spiritual habit, and you may need to use a tool for a period of time to learn to use it well and build callouses. Pushing hard into it can lead to transformational practices. To learn more about spiritual disciplines, visit www.practicethepresence/habits.]

Nothing—not noise, chaos, sibling arguments over imaginary worlds, or sleep deprivation—can separate you from the love of God.

Check your heart. Ask the Holy Spirit to reveal to you if trying to fit a particular spiritual habit into your current stage of life and ministry is actually keeping you from experiencing the presence of God. Fight for it. Don’t let the practice get in the way of the point of that practice.

I can’t close this letter without making a clear statement about the ministry of motherhood.

The most important disciples in your life are your children.

Period. But in my experience of American Christian culture, there are two widespread lies about parenting that you need to guard against.

Lie #1: You are responsible for raising little kingdom-builders.

Thank God, the salvation of my children does not fall to me. Never does Jesus say, MAKE the little children look like me. He says to bring the little children to him. Let them come to him.

Just like you, your amazing, incredible, and beloved child will make choices dishonoring to God (and to you). You cannot bear their guilt. Jesus does that. Don’t dishonor him by trying to take his place on the cross.

Lie #2: No one will argue that a 21st century mom can live a life similar to the daily reality of a 17th century monk in Paris, much less a carpenter’s son in first century Israel. But you will hear the claim that there is one way to live your life as a mother raising children in a godly manner.

The exact details will differ depending on your community, but I dare you to write out what the “ideal” mother looks like in your church.

It is probably quite lovely.

It is definitely crushing the spirit of at least a portion of the women trying to fit that ideal. If not all of them.

You have a unique set of natural strengths, spiritual gifts, and personality traits. Only because God is so astoundingly vast can each of us be a completely one-of-a-kind reflection of His image. Every individual who has ever been born, if you add us all together, even that many reflections of God can’t come close to His full image!

God wants you to be fully alive.

God wants you to be fully alive, even if that means living a different life than expected.Click To Tweet

You can minister to your family and never bake a cupcake.

You can raise your children and show them Jesus without ever doing the laundry!

Heresy, you say?

Sure, you may have to do the laundry and clean the toilets because of your circumstances in life. And the good and excellent news I have for you (and me) is that God is there in the laundry room and when you’re wearing the yellow rubber gloves and whenever you change the baby’s diaper. Oh, He is THERE.

My dear sister, what I’m saying is if you are exercising your strengths in a calling that happens to create the circumstance that you pay someone else to be there, you can still be ministering to your “first” disciples. God is there too.

Where the noise overwhelms, and practice seems impossible, He is present.

Isn’t that encouraging? Pick up your copy of The Practice of the Presence of God for Modern Day Moms, or download a free chapter!

MEGAN LA FOLLETT grew up in the foothills of the Cascade Mountains, where she explored her first beloved sanctuary from the back of a pony named Silver. As a married graduate student, she became a working mother to a golden-haired and strong-willed daughter. With the birth of a second child, she chose to stay at home. Two years later, another son joined the family and she began to work from home as an editor and writer. Following the birth of a third son, she joined the team at Ascending Leaders, a Christian nonprofit, as the communications lead. Her life is built on her passion for story and finding her place in the greatest story of all. You can find her book here.

How Do We Leave a Legacy if We Never Have Kids?

Does our legacy have to revolve around our children?

We’ve been talking about purpose and clarifying our priorities on the blog this week, and it got me thinking about legacy. What kind of legacy do you want to leave?

Usually when we hear that question, we think about kids. We want to raise our kids to follow God, to have that “unbroken chain” of believers until Jesus comes back again. We want to raise kids to be world changers.

But how do you leave a legacy if you don’t have kids? Do childless couples have legacies?

That’s the question that a reader recently asked me. She wrote:

Hi Sheila! I love your blog, and your articles have blessed my life and marriage more than I could say! Thank you!

I have seen many of your wonderful marriage posts, but when you send out parenting posts, I don’t read them. I had a hysterectomy at 23, just a couple months after getting married, so I am unable to have children. My husband and I do not feel called to adopt, but that begs the question — what now? All I hear is how people do things for their children, leave a legacy for their kids; but while living in the corporate culture of today, it seems increasingly difficult to leave any kind of lasting legacy. Nearly everything in the Christian life seems to circle back to family, but my only family within 1000 miles is my husband. We both have painful amounts of social anxiety, so volunteering at church is the most I’m able to get him to do (and if I’m being honest, that’s usually okay with me, even if I feel like we should be doing more). How do you leave a legacy with no family to leave it?

How do you make a difference in the world if you don't have kids, and have social anxiety?Click To Tweet
That’s a great question, and I want to answer it with a story.

About 12 years ago, when Rebecca was 11 and Katie was 8, Christmas came and we had some money left over. Keith and I decided that we would take that and make a special end of year donation. We had these “gift catalogues” where you could give money to Third World countries, and one was from Partners International. We flipped through it, looking for a gift that was roughly the amount we had decided to give. We found one where you could drill a well for a village in Liberia, giving the people access to clean water. That sounded good, so we mailed in the cheque, and promptly forgot about it.

Eleven months later, in November, I received a phone call from Partners.

They said there was a bishop from Liberia visiting Canada, and he wanted to meet with me. I was trying to be polite on the phone, but I had absolutely no idea what they were talking about. Why did a Liberian bishop want to meet with me? And where was Liberia, anyway?

As the conversation went on, my brain finally twigged to that gift we had given the preceding Christmas. So we made arrangements to meet at Christian Chicken (that’s what Canadians call Swiss Chalet), and one Tuesday, when my husband was free for lunch, the four of us met the Partners rep and the bishop from Liberia.

Over lunch, the bishop explained to us that Liberia had been in a civil war for almost two decades. During the time, many people fled to live in the forests. Infrastructure was non-existent. Everybody was so poor. And so they came into this one village with the equipment to dig a well. The whole village participated and was so excited. He explained that usually, by this time in the year, six children would have died of dysentery. But that year, not one child had died.

I looked over at Rebecca, and tears were streaming down her face.

Then he said that after they built the well, they had a dedication ceremony, where he explained to people,

There’s a family in Canada, and we don’t know who they are, but God does. And they don’t know who we are, but God does. And God spoke to that family in Canada and told them to build us this well, because God notices us. And He loves us. And He wants us to have clean water. But that’s not all He wants to give us.

And the bishop went on to explain the gospel to them, and everybody in that village accepted Christ that day. They now had a thriving church.

At this point, tears were streaming down my face, too. But they weren’t streaming down because no child had died. They weren’t even streaming down because everybody became a Christian (how does that even happen? That’s so foreign to us in North America!). They were streaming down because that morning I hadn’t wanted to go to lunch. I had laundry to do, and people were coming over for dinner and my house was a mess, and I hadn’t done math with the girls in 3 days (we homeschool). I was seriously behind.

And as I sat there, I realized that my priorities were wrong.

I had given that money without thinking about it, really. And yet with that one cheque I had made more difference in the world than perhaps anything else I’ll ever do. 

If I do nothing else in my life, I built that village a well.

And I did it because Keith and I worked and used the money we made to give to God to do with as He pleased. And He picked a village in Liberia.

Water scarcity is still affecting one sixth of Earth’s population. African Children in developing countries suffer most from this problem, that causes malnutrition and health problems.

I don’t know what legacy I will leave with my girls. I think it will be a very good one (and I certainly pray that it will be!). But in the broad scheme of things, will it be bigger than what I did there? I don’t know.

Do we understand what a privilege it is to be able to give?

Do we understand what amazing fruit comes from being able to share what God has blessed us with with others?

Do we understand what a privilege it is to be able to give? Here's why it's important:Click To Tweet

God will call some people to the mission field. But I have also known people who feel called to stay here so that they can support those missionaries. I know one farmer who lives near me, for instance, who lives on very little money. He’s a single guy. But he has decided that he will support three full-time missionaries. He has the gift of making money, and so he’s using it to help the world.

Money is not the only way we can leave a legacy. There’s also political activism. There’s reaching out to your neighbours and loving them. There’s volunteering! I know my story was only about money, but there are so many ways that we can influence our generation and our world.

I understand, though, that some of those ways are hard when you have social anxiety.

But think about it this way: If you had a child, that child would cost, on average, about $250,000 to raise, they estimate. That gives you an extra $250,000 to give to God’s work on this earth over your life. You can make it your big mission to fight child exploitation in Cambodia. You can give money to fight child prostitution in Thailand. You can help AIDS orphans in Africa. You can support spreading the gospel to the Middle East. You can give money to help the many young women who were raped by ISIS soldiers.

It doesn’t have to be a ton of money, either. Just give what you are called and what you are able, and God will use it and bless it. The amount doesn’t matter as much as the heart behind it. And small amounts, given faithfully over time, lead up to an awful lot.

You can leave a legacy even if you don't have kids--let it be a legacy of generosity.Click To Tweet

And if you had a child, it would be more than a full time job. That’s a lot of time that has been freed up for you to spend investing in others. You can give your time at a pregnancy crisis centre, at a food bank. You can welcome refugee families and help them assimilate, and introduce them to Jesus. You can reach out to abused women, to inner city teens, to so many different groups that need you. Volunteer opportunities are immense, and without children, you will have more time.

You may never know your legacy this side of heaven.

That’s okay. Just think of how wonderful it will be when you see Jesus, and you meet all the people that you have helped. Won’t that be amazing?

It is a privilege to give and to serve. Our legacy may not always be visible here, but it is very, very visible to God. And one day, He’ll make it visible to you, too.

Don’t We All Want Love That Lasts?

“How you view yourself will flow into every relationship you have, especially a romantic one.”

Yep. And that’s why so many of us have trouble finding love that lasts.

Just before Christmas I was sent a copy of Jefferson and Alyssa Bethke’s new book, Love that Lasts. In the book they tell their story, but the book isn’t primarily about them. The book is about big picture lessons about love, marriage, and sex, interwoven with their own testimonies. And it’s wonderful.

So let me introduce you to Alyssa and Jeff.

Alyssa grew up with two loving parents who showered her with love and taught her about God. She always felt accepted.

Jefferson grew up the son of a single mother who had quite the past.

In fact, I’ll let him introduce himself to you:

“I lost my virginity when I was 16. In the back of a car. In the church parking lot. To someone who wasn’t my girlfriend.”

And Alyssa? She didn’t even hold hands until she met the man she would later marry in her twenties.

These were two very different people, with very different backgrounds. And yet they married, trying to find this “oneness” they sought.

But the book is not about how Alyssa was perfect and Jefferson needed to catch up with her. No, it’s that all of us have wounds and things that we struggle with. All of us need to work to get to a healthy, flourishing place. Because, as they sum up the philosophy of their book:

If your romantic relationship is healthy and flourishing, everything else will be too. But if it’s unhealthy and not giving life, it doesn’t matter how everything else is doing.

Let’s unpack the baggage of the guy with the past.

When Jefferson was a teen, he looked like he had it all together. He played sports. He did well in school. He was popular. But he felt like his whole life was about protecting his image. And he said something very insightful:

“If you were to ask 16-year-old Jeff if he was in a dark time, I’m sure he’d say no. But that’s because I had nothing to compare it to. I thought being paralyzed by shame and guilt, not knowing what I was created for, and living for others’ approval was normal.”

And so he got used to being superficial, to guarding his heart. When he fell for Alyssa–and he fell hard–he really didn’t know how to do relationships. He didn’t have those mentors or parents or examples in his life.

Even though you may not realize it, having the example of your parents’ loving and healthy marriage has a profound impact on you. Tens of thousands of micro moments and conversations and chances to watch your mom and dad love and serve each other amid their problems and baggage add up to thousands of hours. Showing you what it takes. Showing you what it looks like.

So what happens? Well, you begin a relationship with no road map. You’re used to being shallow in relationships, in never having that DTR conversation (define the relationship). And add in today’s technology with texting instead of talking, and it’s easy to stay back.

Alyssa couldn’t take that. Jeff would text constantly for a few days, and then be silent for weeks. And she ended up breaking off the dating relationship.

In those months Jefferson realized that he needed to do relationships differently.

“Eliminating all risk is an easy way to eliminate all hurt. But eliminating risk is also the sure way to eliminate true love and joy and harden a heart.”

When they finally got back together (and it took a while), he was committed to actually sharing what he was thinking and feeling.

“I haven’t seen many relationships end in hurt or confusion because the two people overcommunicated. But I’ve seen dozens that were left in shambles, and affected the people in future relationships, because of undercommunication.”

Yet Alyssa hadn’t approached the dating relationship well, either, because she had her own kind of baggage. Christian baggage.

That’s one thing I loved about the book. Jefferson wasn’t portrayed as the bad boy and Alyssa as the good girl. Instead, the book showed how good girls can have a ton of baggage, too.

In fact, as I was reading their stories I kept flipping the book over to look at the authors and make sure my daughters’ names weren’t there, especially Katie’s. Seriously, Alyssa’s story is Katie’s story (although Alyssa had an eating disorder and Katie never did).

Alyssa says,

“I’ve often heard it said that there are girls boys date, and then there are girls boys marry. Well, growing up, I fell into the ‘girls you marry category’–the non-flirty girls who like to have fun but are the deeper, quieter, more stable types. Which, looking back, was a good thing, but at the time, I thought it sucked. Guys, I just wanted to go on a date. Or get invited to prom.”

I totally understand! I watched both my girls walk through that struggle. They were both gorgeous. They both wanted to be pursued. But neither of them ever dated until they met the men they would eventually marry, when they were both 19. And so the teenage life was lonely.

I kept telling them that the reason that they weren’t with anybody is because they were mature, and they loved God, and likely nothing would click until it was the right person. But that’s cold comfort when you’re lonely.

And Alyssa has so much compassion and great advice for single women in that waiting stage!

But here’s where the Christian baggage comes in. When you’ve been waiting all this time for that relationship, and you’ve been taught your whole life not to date until you’re ready to marry, then when you start dating, it can become very serious, very fast.

“When I finally started dating Jeff, I put so many expectations on him because this was the guy. I didn’t bring up any conflict or share any hurt feelings, because I wanted our relationship to be perfect. I didn’t want him to think I didn’t have it all together…..I had put so many high expectations on Jeff before, ones he couldn’t possibly meet. I wanted the relationship to be perfect, with no conflict. I wanted him to know what I needed, what I was thinking and feeling, without me having to say anything.”

And she had these fairytales in her mind (cough, Katie, cough), about how a guy would do a scavenger hunt to ask her out, or how he would be so romantic.

Things didn’t go as planned, and she broke up with Jeff and broke his heart. And hers. Because breakups don’t only hurt when you’re the one who is tossed aside. They hurt when you let go of something you wanted, too.

Learning to risk in love is never easy

Over the next little while Alyssa started dating someone else, just as Jefferson realized he wanted to take the relationship seriously. And so their relationship had these twists and turns until they finally jumped back in.

But jumping in was hard, because Alyssa had been hurt. Did she want to risk again?

Her mentor gave her some wise advice. She wasn’t risking her heart, because her heart was God’s. She had to try. And to do that, she had to realize that her breakups did not equal failure. They were things that God was using in her life.

And God did use that breakup to mature both Alyssa and Jeff.

I understand this part of the story, because Keith and I broke up once, too. And it was hard. So hard. Would our marriage have been better if we hadn’t broken up? Likely initially, because I wouldn’t have had such trust issues. But I’m not sure in the long run that it would have, because God was writing His story in our lives, and He needed us to rely on Him first and foremost.

I love how they show the lessons that God taught them through their rocky dating period and their first few years of marriage.

I think anybody would get so much out of this!

But I want to share just a few more quotes that I think are super important.

The Bethkes on Pornography and Dating:

Jeff is very open about his porn addiction which started at the age of 13, and ended in the middle of college, after he knew Jesus and was confronted with how distorted and warped his sexuality had become. He needed a rewiring. His generation is the porn guinea pig. We don’t know what it will do. But we do know it won’t be good.

“Can I be honest? If you’re dating and the history of porn is still an ongoing struggle in the relationship, please break up. Sadly, I hear over and over again that many women can’t break up with their boyfriends because that’s not what Jesus would do. They say, “What about grace?” But you’re not Jesus. And trying to be Jesus for someone else (in that your’e trying to heal someone else) will crush you–and them….No one stays with someone when they are addicted to cocaine. You break up with them because you love them and they need help.”

Yep. I get asked that a lot–should you marry someone who uses porn? And I firmly believe that the porn habit needs to be in the past, totally dealt with. I wake up every morning on this blog to comments from broken women whose husbands are addicted to porn, and I just want it to stop. We have to take this seriously, and that means that they need to deal with it BEFORE we have a relationship.

But then Jeff makes a comment which I just loved. He says that the objectification of women isn’t just in porn. It happens in Christian circles, too.

When I’m combating porn or trafficking or lust, some of the most common things I hear people say are, Don’t look at that. Don’t you realize that’s someone’s daughter/ That’s someone’s wife? That’s someone’s sister? The problem is, that’s tethering a woman’s identity and worth and value to her relationship to a man.

Amen! Our identity is in Christ. Let’s not promote the porn mentality without realizing it by further objectifying women.

In Love That Lasts, they have so much more to say, about finding your identity and purpose as a couple, figuring out this sex thing, learning to deal with the humdrum of life. Pick up a copy and see for yourself! Their approach is really quite similar to mine when it comes to marriage.

But I can’t cover everything, and I want to end with one quote about sex, since that is so much what we talk about here! I thought this was perfect:

“At its core, sexuality is an expression of the mystery of the Trinity. An opportunity to tell the greatest story ever told: that somehow there is more than one, yet somehow there is one. Our bodies are telling this story.”

Can you relate to any of Jeff and Alyssa’s story? Let me know in the comments!

Are Husbands Supposed to “Get Their Wives Ready for Jesus”?

A little before Christmas, an article appeared on the Desiring God website called “Husbands, get her ready for Jesus.”

Desiring God summarized Pastor Brian Stoudt’s article this way:

Husbands, we have the staggering privilege of getting our wives ready for Jesus. And we’ll only do that well if we learn how to lovingly correct them.

And Stoudt ends the post this way:

Like us, one day our wives will meet Jesus and be perfect, “without spot or wrinkle or any such thing . . . holy and without blemish” (Ephesians 5:27). But until that day, until death do us part, husbands have the staggering privilege of getting our wives ready for Jesus, their true husband.

With God’s help, and for his glory, may we correct them with the grace and truth that we’ve received.

Much of the advice within the article is quite practical, about how to confront someone when they’re in sin. But the whole approach of the article really shook me.

I shared some initial thoughts on Facebook back in December, and stirred up quite the firestorm. But as I’ve had time to think about it over the holidays, I’ve figured out what I want to say.

Before I jump in, though, let’s address one big pushback I got. Women were saying,

But he’s just writing to men, just like you write to women–so what’s the problem?

I get it. What’s wrong with a post to men encouraging them to hold their wives accountable?

I have no problem with a post about how men should lovingly confront when something’s wrong. I have no problem with an article that says, “Men, let’s challenge our wives to be the best they can be this new year!” I’ve written the same thing about what wives should do!

But it’s not like the author was simply addressing this to men, but could just as easily have written it to women. No, this was a post that could ONLY be written to men because of the “why” behind it. He is saying that husbands correct their wives in order to get their wives “ready for Jesus.” This is not something that wives can do for husbands; he believes it’s a husband’s unique role.

Whoa. Back up that truck.

If husbands need to “get her ready for Jesus”, is she not ready for Jesus without her husband? Can Jesus not get her ready on His own? Is the husband ready for Jesus just as he is, but the wife needs his help to get ready?

Does that even make sense? Does this mean that single women are fully saved, but once we’re married we need husbands to complete our salvation? If so, it would be better to remain single!

There is nothing missing with women’s salvation that requires husbands to complete it.

Readers, Jesus saves me, not Keith. As Tim Fall wrote, my wife has a saviour, and it’s not me. And others have written well about why husbands are NEVER called to complete their wives’ salvation, so I won’t repeat those arguments too much.

But I must insist: This is a gospel issue, people. It’s not really a gender issue. And you DO NOT want to mess around with the gospel!

To say that women need husbands to 'get them ready for Jesus' is to pervert the gospel of Christ.Click To Tweet

Jesus is all-sufficient for our salvation. He has already done the full work on the cross.

I doubt that Stoudt intended to promote heresy by implying that women aren’t fully saved, but by saying that women need their husbands to get them ready for Jesus, that is, intentionally or not, what he said. And distorting the gospel is dangerous. I’m reminded of something that Paul wrote in Galatians 1:6-9 (emphasis mine):

I am astonished that you are so quickly deserting the one who called you to live in the grace of Christ and are turning to a different gospel— 7 which is really no gospel at all. Evidently some people are throwing you into confusion and are trying to pervert the gospel of Christ. 8 But even if we or an angel from heaven should preach a gospel other than the one we preached to you, let them be under God’s curse! 9 As we have already said, so now I say again: If anybody is preaching to you a gospel other than what you accepted, let them be under God’s curse! (NIV)

Ladies, we do not need another mediator. We already have one.

Women do not need their husbands to be their mediators with God. Click To Tweet

For there is one God and one mediator between God and mankind, the man Christ Jesus. (1 Timothy 2:5) (NIV)

It is not a husband’s role to get her ready for Jesus. And because of that, this idea that husbands must “correct” their wives can be dangerous, too, both spiritually and relationally.

Let’s tackle the spiritual stuff first.

Are husbands called to “correct” their wives?

I have no problem with husbands and wives challenging each other, confronting each other, holding each other accountable, even rebuking each other. In fact, not only do I not have a problem with it–I would hope that we are doing this, lovingly, in our marriage! As author Gary Thomas wrote so well in Sacred Marriage, what if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy? (That’s not to say that marriage can’t make us happy; only that happiness is a byproduct of becoming more Christlike).

But that’s not what Stoudt said. He used the word “correct”.

Think about that word for a moment. You correct someone’s math or grammar–because you know more about math or grammar. You “correct” their understanding of history–because you know more about history. A parent “corrects” a child because they know more about how we should act.

To correct someone implies superior knowledge.

To say that a husband’s job is to correct his wife also says that they have superior spiritual knowledge–not only a superior role, but actually superior knowledge.

There is absolutely nothing in Scripture that says this. We are all made in the image of God. We all have gifts from the Holy Spirit. Men are not closer to God than women are.

If, however, he’s right, and God truly believes that the ideal in marriage is for husbands to correct wives, then why is Scripture so filled with opposite examples?

When I think of stories in the Bible about individual men and women and husbands and wives, it is more likely that the wife is shown to have more spiritual insight than the husband.

Zipporah calls Moses “a bridegroom of blood to me” and circumcises her son, because Moses had neglected to do it. (Exodus 4:24-26).
Tamar shames Judah into living up to his obligation as the kinsman redeemer, and Judah says, “surely she is more in the right than I.” (Genesis 38)
Pilate’s wife warns Pilate not to execute Jesus, but Pilate disregards her. (Matthew 27:19)
Abigail goes against her current husband (Nabal) who is endangering his household and disobeys him to petition David (her future husband) for mercy; David says of her, “Blessed be your good sense, and blessed be you, who have kept me today from bloodguilt and from avenging myself by my own hand!” (1 Samuel 25). (NRSV)
Sarah correctly tells Abraham to send Hagar and Ishmael away since they are not part of the promise; God tells Abraham “whatever Sarah says to you, do as she tells you.” (Genesis 21:10-12)
Bathsheba confronts David with his negligence to keep an eye on the kingdom and to fulfill his pledge to make Solomon his heir. (1 Kings 1:15-21).
Esther confronts her husband about his decree to kill all the Jews. (Esther 5-8).

Certainly there are opposite examples: David rebukes Michal for not understanding worship, for instance, and Hosea calls his wife to stop her philandering. But in Scripture, when married people disagree on something, you’re more likely to find the wife in the right than the husband in the right.

And what about stories not about marriage, but simply featuring both men and women?

Rahab saves the Israelite spies’ lives by suggesting how to hide;
the woman anointing Jesus’ feet with oil is commended over the Pharisees;
the women stay at the cross versus the disciples who deserted Jesus;
Mary becomes the first evangelist rather than the disciples, since she is at the tomb.
Deborah leads and judges Israel because she has more faith, and Jael is given the honour of killing Sisera, because she has more courage than the Israelite military leaders.



When women are mentioned in Scripture, more often than not Scripture elevates women, rather than showing them in a negative light.Click To Tweet

Why would Scripture so commonly praise women, rather than depicting them as falling short? Was Scripture trying to say that women are more spiritually in tune than men are?

No, not at all. I think it’s because Scripture was written to very male-dominated societies, where the impulse would be to create a very male-centric religion. So God went out of His way in Scripture to praise women’s spiritual insight and gifts, so that women could not be denigrated. He didn’t want a male-centric gospel; He wanted a Jesus-centric gospel! I wish Pastor Stoudt had realized this.

God never intended the gospel to be male-centric or female-centric; only Jesus-centric.Click To Tweet

Now let’s turn to the marriage ramifications of husbands believing they should correct their wives.

Correcting your wife is exactly the wrong focus for a successful marriage.

Let’s say a guy who genuinely wants to follow Jesus reads this article, and now feels that he is being passive if he fails to correct his wife (and Stoudt does accuse men who don’t correct their wives of passivity). After all, his job is to sanctify his wife and get her ready for heaven, so he had better start looking for things to correct her for! He doesn’t want to fail at his job.

His focus in the marriage, then, becomes looking for things that she is doing wrong.

I can’t think of a better way to destroy intimacy.

John Gottman’s marriage institute has looked at the habits that lead to a successful marriage, and the two most important ones are looking for opportunities to connect and scanning for things to praise.

Let that last one sink in for a moment.

If you want your marriage to be successful, you should be deliberately looking for things to praise your spouse for, not deliberately looking for things to critique them for. Of course we may need to confront our spouse from time to time, but if that is the focus of our interactions, we’ll do a lot more harm than good.

Want a successful marriage? Look for things to praise her for, not to 'correct' her for.Click To Tweet
So what should our attitude in marriage be?

Instead of saying that husbands need to correct their wives and get them ready for Jesus, why don’t we just quote Scripture that comes straight from the Holy Spirit?

Hebrews 10:24 says:

And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. (NIV)

That’s the prayer I’ve prayed for each of my daughters as they’ve met the men they want to marry–“God, may they always spur each other on to love and good deeds.” That’s what I pray for Keith and myself. I can’t think of a better or higher calling.

So, please, let’s just stick to that!

When we make correction and confrontation one-sided, we create unhealthy marriage dynamics and potentially dangerous marriages.

, but let me say it again: Sometimes we hear advice that works great for our marriage, but we don’t ask the question: “what would happen to a woman in an abusive marriage reading this?” It may work great for you, but you may be married to a good guy. What if your sister, or your friend, is not? If it doesn’t ALSO work for a woman in an abusive marriage, then there is something seriously wrong. And by the way–if it doesn’t work for a MAN in an abusive marriage, either, then it’s also seriously wrong! and puts another in the position of Jesus in the relationship is too easily perverted and misused. Jesus wants us to love each other, protect each other, and spur one another on. He doesn’t want us controlling each other.

Frequently we read articles on Christian sites or we read Christian books, and because they’re couched in Christian terms we assume they must be right. But you’re allowed to be a Berean from Acts 17! They were commended for taking everything they heard, even stuff from the apostle Paul, and judging it against Scripture.

Whenever you hear something that sounds off, don’t automatically assume that you must be sinful if you don’t initially agree. Really examine it. You are responsible for your relationship with God–YOU. So study Scripture. Pray. Get to know Jesus intimately. And don’t let anyone else ever tell you that you’re wrong for doing so.

And then, when all is said and done, let’s just spur one another on to love and good deeds. Because Jesus has already done the rest.

Do you feel like you’ve been taught a very lopsided view of marriage?

Many of us grew up with the idea that husbands SHOULD correct their wives–and it’s led to very dysfunctional marriages.

There is a better way! If you want to learn how to communicate better, deal with issues, and truly grow intimate, check out my book 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage.

Because sometimes the things we believe about marriage actually stop us from having a great marriage.

See it here!

 

How What You Want in a Husband Changes Over Time

What you want in a husband when you’re a love-struck teenager and when you’re a busy mom of toddlers are very different things.

Today I’m so excited to have Karen from Lightly Frayed on the blog! She’s talking about how what she wanted in a husband changed from before she was married to now that she’s a married mother of four!

Love how real she is. You’ll have a laugh!

Here’s Karen:

My friend recently posted a picture of her husband vacuuming with a caption that read: “Is it just me, or is this the sexiest thing you have seen all day?” Probably not something she would have written a decade or two ago but I’m pretty sure every wife agreed with her.

The truth is, marriage redefines sexy.

What is it about a vacuum cleaner that brings out the colour in a man’s eyes? Or a broom that showcases his muscles as he sweeps and pivots? Just seeing your husband speaking the love language of help-me-find-the-floor again is sweeter than champagne and chocolate.

How life has changed. And I don’t mean to alarm anyone who is single, but my “list” that I once clung to as sacred, is now a fading memory.

Have your expectations about marriage changed since you got married?Click To Tweet

You know the list I’m talking about. The List you made as a teenager or a young, single woman. The list of all of the qualities you were praying for in your Prince Charming. The one you set beside his picture and ensured he ticked most, if not all, of the boxes. Of course, that was after sounding out your would-be married name, in case things worked out.

Just me? Moving on.

I would give anything to find my actual list. Might even be worth rummaging through dusty boxes that have been moved from house to house. Pretty sure it would be a complete disconnect with what I would put on a list today.

Join me as I imagine how my List written as my younger, single self probably looked. Of course, the real fun will be the comparison with The List After Kids.

First, let’s talk about looks

Dream List: He has to be cute. Really cute. With dreamy eyes and permanently tanned skin.

List After Kids: It’s a good thing to focus on dreamy eyes, because those are the only features that remain as we both age. While I earn my squishy four-kids belly, you won’t mind if he starts to sag a bit too. But those eyes…..

Dream List: He has to dress well. (I am fairly confident my List was that pathetic)

List After Kids:  While I will appreciate his style, the real points will come when he helps dress the children. Even if the onesie is snapped over their pants. Bonus points for singing originals like “One Sock Sam” and “Socks and Sandals Should be Banned.”

Before marriage, he has to dress well. After marriage, he has to dress the KIDS well!Click To Tweet

Dream List: He will compliment me on looking great, making it worth the hour spent getting ready for our dates.

List After Kids: He will see beauty in my everyday self. Lightly frayed jeans and t-shirted me, playing in the sandbox, will make him weak-kneed. And he will savour the times I invest more than 7 minutes fancying up for a married date.

Now what about romance?

Dream List: He will be thoughtful and buy romantic gifts like flowers and chocolates.

List After Kids: He will swoop in like a superhero, remembering to buy diapers just as we are running out. Or ketchup for the child who will eat nothing without it. Be still my heart. Although chocolate will still magically make my world right again.

Dream List: He will write me love notes that show his true feelings. All those mushy feelings about me.

List After Kids: This note still brings me to tears:  “I know you have had a full week with sick children, appointments and disappointments. Take Saturday to yourself. I’ve got this.” {sigh}

Dream List: He will bring me breakfast in bed.

List After Kids: He will tiptoe the messy-haired, pyjama-footed children to the kitchen. He will quietly serve their favourite cereal and pour orange juice in the green cup so there will be no broken hearts while Mommy rests.

Third, what do you want for everyday life with your husband?

Dream List: He will drive a nice car. Nothing fancy, but not a clunker.

List After Kids: He will drive a clunker. So I can have the reliable, new{ish} minivan. He will buy an extra scarf when the car heater dies and not even complain. He will be a crappy-heatless-leaky-car-driving hero so our ducklings and I can be safe and toasty.

Dream List: He will sweep me off my feet.

List After Kids: He will sweep. Period. He will understand that mopping is the new sexy and have multiple opportunities to practise this affection with high-energy spilly children.

Dream List: He will be spontaneous and up for the next adventure.

List After Kids: His introverted self will refuel by reading and reflecting in the quiet. After I give him this time, his adventuresome self can show up. And my spontaneity will be tempered by his ability to plan. I will dream up the destination and he will remember the supplies.

Fourth, let’s look at connecting

Dream List: He will want to talk for hours.

List After Kids: He will not make me talk for hours. When I can barely keep my eyes open, he will hold me in comfortable silence. Or let me sprawl out, hogging the bed still in my track pants and kid-stained shirt.

Dream List: We will enjoy all the same hobbies.

List After Kids: We will find a balance between doing things together and separately. He will see historical, war-filled movies with his friends and he won’t make me come. I will laugh insanely with friends and sisters and welcome exclusively pink time.

Dream List: He will think I’m funny.

List After Kids: He will think I’m funny. Smiling will cement our relationship and laughter will help bridge challenges life throws our way. And when we forget this, we will climb our way back to unity.

Finally, all about relationships

Dream List: He will be amazing with children. Like a hunky Mary Poppins with spoons filled with sugar.

List After Kids: His children will be blessed to call him Dad. They will know his unconditional love even when they give him an eye twitch. And we will learn together that parenting is more exhausting and rewarding than we expected. He will find a depth of selflessness neither of us knew was possible. He will definitely deserve the last piece of pie.

Dream List: He will have a sincere relationship with God.

List After Kids: His love for God will be the foundation of our relationship. He will challenge me to grow deeper and never settle for mediocrity. I know that if his heart hardens towards me during conflict, it will always stay soft before his Creator, which will bring us back together.

After 20 years of marriage, my new list barely resembles the old.

Young women still in the dreaming stage? Make your list. Imagine the possibilities of your future. Hold out for amazing. And as you choose wisely and prayerfully, may you find the prince to share your castle.

Young women, hold out for an amazing husband. But be ready to change as you grow together!Click To Tweet

But don’t be surprised if your definition of amazing changes as much as you do in the next season. 

And remember, chore day in your palace will probably make you putty in his hands.

#moppingisthenewsexy

Karen Gauvreau would squeeze her four-baby-body into a cheerleader’s uniform for you to know someone is rooting for you as a parent – cartwheeling for your victories and offering a pep talk when you feel pummelled. If she makes you laugh in the process, even better. She has written for Focus on the Family, Momsense and ForEveryMom and is thrilled to be over here today. Karen shares the highs and lows of parenting four boys on her website, LightlyFrayed.com, offering hope and humour to parents in their journey.
How has your list changed since you got married? Let us know in the comments below!