Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 120

Reader Question: Sex Just Doesn’t Feel Intimate to Me

Sex is supposed to be this wonderful, intimate thing that binds us together as a couple. But what do you do if sex doesn’t feel intimate to you?

Every Monday I like to post a reader question and take a stab at answering it, and today’s is one that a lot of women share. Here are two letters I’ve received that talk about a similar issue.

First, a woman writes that she just doesn’t understand what “making love” is:

I’ve been following your blog for quite a while now and just started reading “The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex.” We’ve been married 20 years. Sex is one of the biggest wedges in our marriage. I’m only in chapter 3 of the book and cried as I read. I have no emotional attachment to sex at all. None! I don’t know that I can say that I feel like we have ever “made love.” But that would crush him to know. How do we fix that after 20 years?

Quick answer: Just wait until you get to chapters 7 & 8! Those should really help!

But let me give a few thoughts here, too (that are also in the book!).

What's in The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex?
Billions of people have had sex.

I don’t know how many have really made love.

And in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex–I teach you how to do exactly that. I show how God intended sex to be intimate in three ways: spiritually, emotionally, AND physically. And I show you how to get there, too!

If you’ve struggled with figuring out what all the fuss is about, or you feel held back in marriage because you just can’t embrace your sexual side, then check out The Good Girl’s Guide!

You were meant for more.

Sometimes past experiences or shame makes us distance ourselves from sex

It’s hard to know what exactly is going on with this particular woman, but I know that many, many of you could have written that letter, for one simple reason.

It’s hard to see sex as intimate when you have a negative view of sex. And many of us have negative views of sex for very good reasons.

Maybe you were abused as a child. Maybe you grew up in the purity culture which talked about sex with such shameful language. Maybe you were promiscuous and you have sexual baggage that is tainting everything.

So how do we get beyond that? We have to see the true beauty in sex that is part of God’s design. Two posts that may help you with that:

Don’t settle for a dead sex life (even if you can’t picture it any differently now)
How sex can be both hot and holy at the same time (and how it’s actually intimacy that makes the sex more passionate)

There’s another aspect to this, though:

Sometimes we have such a hard time with vulnerability that we’re not able to let go during sex

And that’s really the key to passion! I’d suggest reading this post on why it’s often hard for women to give themselves over during sex. It’s part of the Sizzling Summer Sex Series, and if you click on the links there to other posts, I think you’ll find those really help you.

Other times the sex seems great, but we’re emotionally distancing ourselves

Here’s another phenomenon that might be happening in this woman’s marriage: The sex may SEEM great, but really she’s not emotionally present. She has to distance herself from her husband and fantasize in order to get aroused (I deal with this in chapters 7 & 8 too!). So he may think they have great sex, but really they’re missing out on the true connection.

That’s called dissociation, and I talk about how to not dissociate during sex here. As for what to tell your husband if this is the case, I’d say the main thing is to focus on how we can make sex more emotionally intimate and how you can make sure your brain is staying put (in other words, concentrating on your husband!). I’d talk to him about that, rather than saying something like “we’ve been doing it wrong for 20 years”. Instead, say something like, “I want to feel even closer to you. Can you help me with this?” (And again, the book talks about how).

Sex is supposed to make marriage feel more intimate. But what if that just doesn't compute to you?Click To Tweet
What happens if we DON’T deal with this?

One thing I always say during my Girl Talk (the event where I come to a church or women’s group and talk about sex and marriage) is that while there’s nothing wrong with having issues with sex, there is a whole lot wrong with refusing to work on those issues. All of us have issues with something, and sex is a natural one to struggle with because it’s so highly personal and vulnerable.

So if you could have written that letter, please click through to the links that sound like they apply to you and start reading (you’ll likely find even more links and can go on a little bit of a rabbit trail!). Or even better, pick up The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex which covers all of this, and read it with excitement that you can start seeing sex differently. If God made something to be this amazing, you really don’t want to miss out on it! So don’t. Make it into the best research project you’ll ever do.

Check out The Good Girl’s Guide here!

Here’s why I’m so passionate about experiencing real intimacy during sex

If you’re still hesitating, and wondering if you could ever see sex as something good, here’s the sad truth: When we pull back from sex, we inevitably end up pulling back from our husbands, even if we love them more than anything.

When we pull back from sex, we inevitably end up pulling back from our husbands, too. Click To Tweet

I’d ask you to read this letter that I received from a husband of a wife who doesn’t see sex as important:

We’ve been married for over a decade, have amazing children and a great extended family. One thing that has always seemed to lack in our marriage (which has continued to decline even more since adding kids to the mix) is our sex life. While I understand that different people have different levels of drive, having sex once every 2-3 months leaves me feeling unsatisfied and alone. Additionally, when we actually do have sex, it often feels like it’s my wife just doing it out of duty, not really out of enjoyment. If I try to do it more “for her,” typically it ends up being me trying to do different things to give her pleasure, her telling me she doesn’t want that and trying to just move on – making me feel like she just wants to get it over with. Even the way she kisses me before and during feels less than romantic and passionate. All this leaves me feeling like either a) I’m not “good enough” to make it worth her time, b) I’m not attractive enough to interest her, or she just doesn’t have any interest period. She will tell me that none of those are the case, that her mind is often into it, her body isn’t, or the anti-anxiety medication she’s on just keeps her from getting in the mood. I have shown her some of your articles in the past and, at one point, she read one, said she spent some time thinking about it a lot, which did lead to us having a night we still discuss fondly. But, she hasn’t really read anything since then. The times I have brought things up in the past, it ends up becoming a, “Well, I’m like this because you do that.” The “that” is often that I am too timid or something similar, which stems from my feeling like she’s not interested and I’m asking her to do something she doesn’t want to. I feel it’s become a strain on our marriage and it makes me feel so distant from her – basically feeling like we’re roommates raising two kids together, instead of a married couple. What can I do to let her see how important this is?

Can you hear the pain in his letter? Can you understand how much this is hurting their marriage? Can you picture what the family life will be for those kids as they grow up (assuming that those kids’ welfare is her main priority?) Is she really getting what she ultimately wants out of life?

I have been in the place where sex is simply an obligation.

When we first got married, I had no drive, sex hurt, and it just was so awkward. The more Keith wanted sex, the more I felt like he didn’t really love me for me–only what I could do for him. It was a huge big mess.

And the only way out of that was this realization:

If God made sex to be amazing, and if sex is something that can make us feel super intimate, then why would I want to miss out on that? I had better figure this out!

So I want to try to help this man.

I do have two posts that men can show to their wives that can help wives understand how husbands feel.

Why Your Husband Wants You to Read This Marriage Blog
Why Enthusiasm Matters

I’d suggest showing her those posts! (And if you’re a woman reading this, those posts will help you understand his perspective, too!)

 Ladies, most of us misunderstand our sex drives.

Because we may not have a physical need for sex in the same way as our husbands do, we assume that we just aren’t into it. We figure that he is somehow a lesser being because he needs it so much, rather than being able to concentrate on the really important things of life that have to get done (all the things that go into running a house; all the things that go into parenting). We care for everyone else; he’s just interested in getting his own needs met, and it’s all just a big hassle.

I get it. I know a lot of women feel that way.

But let me tell  you something: All you have to do to experience amazing passion is to STOP waiting for your body to be in the mood and to START telling your body that it’s time to be in the mood!

Want Great Sex? STOP waiting for your body to be in the mood & TELL your body it's in the mood!Click To Tweet

YOU hold the key to your libido. YOU can actually ramp up your libido by thinking of sex differently! YOU can make sex awesome in your marriage, if you decide to take that mental leap.

And it honestly is worth it.

If you can’t see how that can happen, I’d invite you to check out my Boost Your Libido course. This 10-video online course takes you step-by-step through the different aspects of libido for women, and even after the first lesson you’ll see some real changes!

You don’t want your husband to be able to write that letter, not when you were made for so much more! So if you’re having real difficulty ever picturing how sex can be intimate, check out the course. You really can get on the road to a better sex life–and to much more intimacy in your marriage!

Now let me know in the comments: Could you have written that woman’s letter? Or that husband’s letter? What were the big roadblocks to great sex for you?

The Best 31 Days of Your Marriage!
Read a few pages. Do what it says. Have incredible fun!

Learn to talk more, flirt more, and even explore more! You'll work on how to connect emotionally, spiritually, AND physically. And the ebook version is only $4.99!

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Fight the Frump: Looking Put Together with Outfits

Are you ready to create outfits that work for you?

We’ve been talking all week about how to fight the frump, covering hair, natural-looking makeup, and finding clothes that fit and flatter.

Now we’re going to bring it all together by talking about that final, put together look.

So let’s go back to Monday for a moment. Remember how I got dressed and it took 45 seconds, vs. 30 seconds in the ugly outfit? My point was that it didn’t take any longer to dress in something that looks good than something that looks terrible.

But I have a confession to make. I didn’t tell the whole story on Monday.

Here’s the truth: You can only get dressed fast if you know what you’re going to wear.

If you have to stand staring at your clothes every morning in utter confusion, wondering what to wear and what will look good together, then getting dressed and fighting the frump will take far too much time.

So I want to share with you my secret about what I do every month.

I talked about it last year when I wrote about my capsule wardrobe, and I want to come back to that today.

Here’s what a capsule wardrobe is, in a nutshell: you decide to dress with just a few pieces in your closet–many people choose 40–that are made up of neutrals and then some colours that coordinate, so that with just a few pieces you can create multiple outfits and looks.

Then you try to make sure that each of those pieces is high quality and can do double duty, in different outfits with different looks.

I cheat a bit with my capsule wardrobe. I haven’t gotten rid of all my clothes except for 40. But what I do is at the beginning of the month I choose 25 that I want to wear that month. And then I store them in my closet in ready-made outfits.

What will a capsule wardrobe of 25 pieces look like? First, decide on your neutrals. Neutrals tend to be: black, grey, brown, navy, beige, or khaki. Those are colours that you can tend to layer with prints or patterns, and they’ll still look good. I used to use black all the time in my wardrobe, but black honestly doesn’t suit me. So now I tend towards browns and greys.

Then, once you’ve decided on your neutrals, you choose some bright coloured or patterned pieces to add to it.

Here, for example, is a sample 25 item capsule wardrobe:

Neutral colour 1: (Khaki)

1 casual pant

1 dress pant

1 long sleeve shirt

1 short sleeve shirt

1 blazer/jacket

Neutral colour 2: (brown)

1 long sleeve shirt

1 short sleeve shirt

1 skirt

Neutral Extras: (Solid Colours)

2 jeans

1 blazer/jacket (blue)

1 sweater (other)

Add colours:

6 tops

1 vest

1 dress

2 sweaters

3 T-shirts

Once you’ve done all that, you can accent them all with purses, belts, scarves and necklaces. Even shoes! (Although it’s getting to be winter where I live, so it’s really all about the boots right now!)

What's in a 25-item Capsule Wardrobe? It's spelled out right here!Click To Tweet
Accents end up making the outfit

I took Kelly Snyder’s Adore Your Wardrobe course last year and she explained the awesome “Rule of 4” which has helped me create outfits! Basically, you have to be able to count to at least 4 when you’re getting dressed to feel like you’re dressed in an actual outfit.

So how do you get to 4? Neutral pants and plain coloured shirts count as 0. A pattern on either a top or a bottom counts as 1. A sweater or blazer is another 1. A big necklace, a belt, a scarf, or a brooch are all 1. So you can get to 4 with jeans, a t-shirt, a funky sweater, a big belt, and a necklace. Or you can get to 4 with jeans, a patterned shirt, a plain sweater, and a big necklace.

You may have great clothes. But how do you create an outfit? Some easy pointers!Click To Tweet

Here, for example, are some outfits I’ve got:

Casual Shirt with a scarf–Accent belt not shown

But here’s another way I’d wear that same shirt (again, the accent belt isn’t shown):

Or you can throw in one of your patterned shirts!

Patterned shirt with bold necklace and sweater

I also like to pick one or two pieces that I love but don’t wear that much–like some of my handknits–and throw them in each month. This week I’m focusing on a tank top that I knit (seen here) and a vest that I knit (seen in my makeup post!) I’ve figured out different ways to wear it:

Dressing up the tank with a purple leather jacket

Making the tank more casual with a flowy sweater

And, of course, I try to throw in at least one skirt and dress to try to encourage myself to wear them more often (and I’m stocking up on fleece-lined tights to make them more comfortable in Canada’s fall!)

Fun comfy sweater over a skirt, bold bracelet not shown

I know it can be hard when you have little kids to wear necklaces (I remember those days! My kids kept pulling them!). So those may not be good fashion choices for you at that stage of your life. And scarves that kids can spit up on are likely bad choices, too. But a few big bracelets or some cool belts can do wonders!

Add Accents to Your Tops–and store them that way

What I do, then, is I choose my 25 pieces, and then I choose a bunch of necklaces and scarves that coordinate and I store those necklaces and scarves on the same hanger as the top I may wear them with. I store my belts on the same hanger as the jeans or skirts or dresses I may wear them with.

And I take my whole capsule wardrobe–including jeans and t-shirts–and put them on hangers on one shelf on my closet for that month, so that I can see everything at a glance.

 

If your closet isn’t big enough for that, use a drawer! Choose one drawer that is just for your capsule wardrobe items, and store them folded so that you can see them at a glance when you open the drawer, like this:

But you’ll find if you spend 20-30 minutes at the beginning of each month choosing some items of clothing to concentrate on, then you can think about what you’d like to pair with it and create outfits, so you don’t have to think each day! And you’ll know that if you pick a shirt with a necklace or scarf, you’ll also have a sweater or skirt or pants that will coordinate, and you can mix and match.

I sometimes plan a whole capsule wardrobe around one item: sometimes a silk scarf I love but hardly ever wear (I’ll choose things that coordinate with it) or something I knit that I haven’t worn in a while. And that way I find myself happier with my wardrobe and wearing more pieces, rather than sticking to the easy ones!

Whew. There you go. Fight the Frump is done!

I hope you feel energized. I hope you feel like you CAN do this–like you can dress with confidence and get yourself ready to take on the world with just a few minutes each morning. It doesn’t have to be onerous. But it can make such a difference in how we see ourselves, and in how others see us!

So let’s keep this going. Create that wardrobe, make some outfits, and let’s see you shine this month before Christmas!

And remember–you can join me by:

Instagram or Tweet a picture of you actually getting dressed in something that looks decent today! Just use the hashtag #fightthefrump!
Leave a comment telling me what your biggest takeaway from the Fight the Frump series is–what are you going to do differently now?

Let’s encourage each other and fight the frump together!

Other posts in Fight the Frump:

Monday: Get Dressed!
Tuesday: Choosing a Quick Hairstyle that Flatters You
Wednesday: Mastering Natural Makeup
Thursday: Finding Clothes that Fit and Flatter

 

 

 

 

Fight the Frump: Finding Clothes that Fit and Flatter

It’s Fight the Frump week here at To Love, Honor and Vacuum, and today we’re going to talk about how to find items of clothing that fit and flatter you.

We’ve talked about hair and makeup so far, because your face is where people look first. You want it to be framed well and to look great! But now let’s move on to clothing, which is often a source of great stress for women.

But first, let me tell you a story.

About a decade ago I was on a speaking tour, and when I go out of town to speak, churches often put me up at hotels. The cool thing about that is that I could watch TV, since we’ve never had cable at home. So I decided I’d try CSI, since my nephew was always watching it and I wanted to see what he was seeing.

That episode had to do with a woman, travelling alone in a hotel, who found a body under her bed.

I got Keith on the phone while I checked for corpses under my bed, and changed the channel.

And then I found What Not To Wear.

That show changed my life. It was amazing! And it was inspiring. They took women who felt dowdy and badly about themselves and showed them that they really were beautiful, because they showed them how to dress to match their personality and give them confidence.

And those women quite frequently were not the “ideal” shape. There were bigger women. Busty women. Pear shaped women. Twiggy women. But they all felt great in the end.

You see, it’s not about needing the perfect body. It’s about learning how to dress the one you have.

That’s what I want to tackle today: principles for choosing clothes that will flatter you, and make you feel good about yourself!

But first, a caveat. One reason women get upset about shopping is because they try things on and nothing looks good. But that’s okay! As we’re going to talk about tomorrow, you can have a totally versatile, functional, and beautiful wardrobe with only 25-40 pieces. You don’t need a ton of things! So if you try on 20 and only 1 works, that’s okay. Don’t give up! It’s better to have fewer pieces that are well-made and look great on you than a ton of pieces off the clearance rack that you buy because you just have to come home with something (and it’s cheaper, too, to buy fewer but more expensive pieces than tons of low-quality pieces).

So don’t get discouraged! If you need a pair of pants, you may need to try on 20 pairs. But then you’ll have your pants. And hopefully they will do you for a few years!

And you can still dress well and be comfortable. I’m going to illustrate my principles with clothes from some online retailers, just so you can see pictures of what I’m talking about (these are affiliate links). You can buy clothes that are comfortable and can still be casual, while also looking like you’re put together.

Casual and comfortable are great. Sloppy, as if you don’t care, is not. Oversized graphic Ts and jeans that don’t fit or yoga pants with holes in them are frumpy. So it’s not that you can’t be casual; it’s just that we should take pride in what we look like, and do casual well. So let’s look at how that works!

Do you know the four general principles of finding clothes that FIT and FLATTER you?Click To Tweet

General Principle 1: Clothes Can Create a Shape

Ideally most women yearn for an hourglass shape. If you’re one of the few who already basically has one, then pretty much any clothes will look great on you. Most of us, though, aren’t perfect hour glasses. So what we want to do is use clothing to create a shape by emphasizing certain things and drawing the eye to certain places.

One reason people tend to wear very baggy clothes is because they feel big, and they don’t want anyone to see their shape. But appearing shapeless actually makes you look bigger than if you emphasize a shape. And you’ll tend to feel more feminine if you emphasize a shape than if you try to cover up your body–even if you don’t like your body!

General Principle 2: If You Want Something to Look Bigger, then Use Pattern and Texture and Fabric

I don’t have much of a bust. So if I’m going to look hourglass, I want to do things to create shape on the top part of my body. Maybe you DO have a bust, but your bottom half is still way bigger You can do that with things like ruffles to add detail, or some extra fabric to add curves, like this:

Solid V-Neck T shirt from Fashionmia, on sale for $14.96

Here’s me in a ruffled top that I wear a lot when I speak! It just adds more oomph where I don’t have it.

Fight the Frump: Mastering Natural Makeup

Let’s fight the frump today by talking about makeup!

All week we’ve been talking about getting rid of that frumpy feeling by taking care of our appearance and showing that we respect ourselves. It’s not about being a fashion model or having a certain body type. It’s just about looking like you care about yourself, and showing others that you are friendly, approachable, and confident.

We talked about hair yesterday, and today I want to tackle makeup! When I wrote my first fight the frump series a few years ago, I had a lot of pushback on the makeup day, because a lot of women said that their husbands prefer them with no makeup.

So I decided that this time around I would talk about makeup differently.

I want to talk about how to use natural looking makeup to enhance what’s there–not try to cover up anything or make you look like a clown.

I was talking to my daughter Katie about guys not always liking makeup, because Katie is the makeup queen. She does her makeup amazingly well (just glance through her Instagram!).  But she made a really good point: If you have too much makeup on, and you’re cuddling, the makeup gets everywhere! And then my daughter Rebecca said that her husband doesn’t always like lip gloss because it’s kind of icky to kiss. I see, then, why many guys say they like women better without makeup!

What I’m talking about today, then, is natural looking makeup. Here’s me with super heavy makeup, for instance:

Okay, that’s not what we’re aiming for (though there’s nothing wrong with it necessarily).

So I thought: let’s attack this a different way! I’ve always wanted to try mineral based makeup for a few reasons: It’s totally natural (or at least some brands are), so you’re not adding chemicals to your face. It doesn’t clump like liquid based makeup and pressed makeup. And minerals absorb oils so bacteria doesn’t grow and you don’t get as shiny!

When Emily from Redeeming Beauty Minerals wanted to sponsor this post, then, I got really excited, because she sent me a whole box of samples of her mineral-based makeup! It’s all-natural, toxin-free, and artisan crafted by a WAHM. So it’s good all around!

I wanted to find a daytime look that was natural that didn’t require liquid foundation (since liquid foundation can clog pores and also make a mess out of clothing). So I thought I’d give it a try.

Samples of Redeeming Beauty Minerals Makeup–foundation, primer, lipstick, mascara, eye shadows, and blush.

Natural makeup, done well, smoothes out your skin tone and highlights key areas, making your eyes shine.

That’s the point! It’s not to make you look painted; it’s to give you soft definition. And it won’t cause blemishes, either, so you can wear it even if you’re breaking out (and it will make you feel better, too!)

So here I am with no makeup:

Sheila without makeup!

I started with her liquid primer, which isn’t goopy or gelled, like most drug store blends. It’s just a simple liquid. It’s safe for blemish prone skin, and it tightens while lightly moisturizing. With lavender, neroli, and grapeseed oil, it sounds truly wonderful!

Then I used the powder foundation. Was it ever soft! I couldn’t believe the difference. And it honestly did even out my skin tone. I’ve always been afraid to try mineral makeup for just that reason–I thought I’d need liquid foundation to make my face not so red in certain parts. But it really does smooth everything out! Emily says:

If you do a light dusting with a loosely packed brush, either shade should work. If you want a thicker application, then use a kabuki brush and buff on. The firmer the buffing, the deeper the shade, so you can create the perfect match for you.The special formulation smooths and evens your skin tone.

And then she told me what’s in it: finely milled silk, finely milled pearl, and other great stuff. No wonder it’s soft! And iron oxides and mica creates the different shades.

Have you ever tried mineral makeup? I did this week--and I'm in love!Click To Tweet

I had little samples of different blushes and eye shadows, and I chose some simple pinks and purples for my cheeks and eyes.

I took an eyeliner brush and used some of the dark purple eye shadow at the corners of my upper lid, too. Then I added some mascara. Emily’s mineral mascara is formulated to help lash growth (which I hope works because I have virtually no bottom lashes!). She has a video up on how to make your lashes longer!

Emily’s lipstick is super creamy, so it’s not glossy and men won’t mind kissing it.

Fight the Frump: A Good Haircut Makes a Huge Difference!

We’re in the early part of our Fight the Frump week! And for this edition, I want to talk about hair.

But first, let’s go back to some basic principles. Fighting the frump is NOT about vanity and not about living up to some magazine cover. Fighting the frump is about changing our attitude and our outlook on life so that we are more productive, approachable, and respected.

How? Because the way that we dress affects our inner reality. If you’re sloppy on the outside, you’re less likely to feel organized and motivated. If you look like you don’t care for your appearance, you automatically don’t look as friendly as people who look like they do take some care, because you’re giving the impression “I don’t care what people think of me.” And if you look frumpy, then you also give the impression, “I don’t think I’m worth a lot of time or energy.” That shows that you don’t really respect yourself.

Why fight the frump? Because your appearance reflects, but also AFFECTS, your inner reality.Click To Tweet

When you take care, though, then you say, “I like myself. I’m a happy person.” That may sound shallow, but psychological research shows that when we care for our appearance, we feel better about virtually all aspects of life.

So today, I want to focus on something basic: your hair. Tomorrow we’ll tackle makeup.

Yesterday the comments focused mostly on clothes (likely because I was talking about clothes!), and we will get to that later in the week. But here’s the truth:

You can wear the best outfit in the world, and if your hair is a mess, you won’t feel good in that outfit. 

Our hair is the most basic part of our appearance, because it frames the face. It gives that first impression. And so you need a good hairstyle!

I actually spent a lot of time caring for my hair as a teenager and a woman in her young twenties. I either curled it a ton:

Or I cut it short and curled it:

My graduation from my Master’s Degree in 1993.

It’s not that I had good haircuts; I just spent a lot of time on it. But after I had kids it all changed. My hair is very heavy, and doesn’t hold curl tremendously well without a lot of time with a curling iron. So I just gave up. And I went back to my glasses, too.

Seriously, I look younger here than my two younger cousins! And just to prove that I ALWAYS looked like that, here’s another shot from our playgroup:

With friends from our playgroup in 1997

Within a few years I was sick of being frumpy, so I finally got a good haircut I liked. I found a hairdresser in Belleville that went to our church, and I just let her do whatever she wanted. She texturized my hair like crazy (because it’s so thick) so that it would have more body and shape. She’s been a super good friend ever since (she was even the “flower girl” when we renewed our wedding vows after 25 years). But I have always felt so much better!

Here I am in 2004, with Katie, right after Jill did my hair:

The key for me has always been that I want my hair to look amazing even after just a few minutes. I can’t be tied to a curling iron or straightener to feel good, or I will never do my hair.

So here I am when I first wake up in the morning:

Sheila when she just gets up!

And here I am after brushing, a tiny bit of gel, and a little bit of hair spray. Total time: Under a minute (barely!)

A good haircut makes a huge difference.

And that’s what Rebecca found, too.

My daughter, Rebecca, had beautiful curls all the way to her waist when she was in high school.

Somewhere right before university, her hair just lost the natural curl and went to just waves and a bunch of frizz. It became really hard to manage, and never really got back to that natural curl she had before.

So (I have her permission to write this!) her hair has been pretty frumpy since she was 18 unless she put a solid hour into styling it. So here’s what she did (take it away, Becca!)

Becca here. It was obvious that I needed a change. Seriously, university put me into a funk when it comes to hair and makeup and now I work from home, so it’s easy to let it slip! Here’s what I tended to look like (but remember, these were when I was comfortable enough to take pictures, so it was usually way worse than here!):

I was getting really tired of dumpy whenever I looked in the mirror, though, so I called up a hairdresser friend and told her that I needed a hairstyle that:

Worked with my natural wave/body so I wouldn’t have to straighten it every day
Wouldn’t have to be blow-dried
Would be easy to fancy up for special occasions
And would take less than 5 minutes to style

So I got a layered bob with a body perm and it has been a HUGE success.

Here it is after just a bit of spritzing and some gel in the morning:

 

A whole lot better than before (trust me)! Finding a hairstyle that works for you and takes only a very little time is such a huge help. Have straight hair? Maybe a layered cut with texture to give it more volume. Have half-wavy hair like I do? Maybe add in some curls to help give the volume more structure.

It doesn’t need to take an hour to look put together. The difference is huge–and my husband loves it! But I spend less time than I did before, and now it actually looks good. Which is a big relief!

What if you have long hair? Seriously consider getting it textured

My daughter Katie has extremely heavy, extremely long hair, which pretty much always looks amazing. But it’s because she keeps her ends trimmed, AND because Jill (yes, we all go to the same hairdresser because Jill is awesome) texturizes it like crazy. She takes those texturizing scissors and just chops chops chops. That way Katie’s hair is a lot thinner as you move down, and then it flows better and holds curl better (because Katie actually takes time to curl it.

Here’s one of her engagement photos:

It may look like she has simple long hair, but she doesn’t. And that’s the key, I think, to making long, straight hair look good: It can’t be all the same length. It has to be heavily texturized if it’s thick.

All of us did the same thing. We went in to see a (good) hairdresser and said, “this isn’t working for me. What should I do?” And Jill looked at our hair type and suggested things, even out of the box things (like putting a perm in).

The worst I ever felt about myself was when I had no hair style.

I feel so much better now. Your hair matters. If you don’t know what to do, go on Pinterest and search for hairstyles for your hair texture and length. See what you like, and then bring pictures into a hairdresser. But invest in a good haircut. It makes a huge amount of difference–more than any clothes actually will.

And join me tomorrow when we talk about how a little bit of natural makeup can make a huge difference, too!

Here’s your Fight the Frump challenge today: Ask yourself, Do I have a hairstyle where I can look good and feel good in less than 5 minutes? Ideally, really, under 3? If not, then plan when you’re going to go and make a change!

Do you have a haircut that lets you look great in under 4 minutes? If not, you need one!Click To Tweet

Here’s what we’ll cover in Fight the Frump week:

Monday: Get Dressed!
Wednesday: Mastering Natural Makeup
Thursday: A Look at the 6 Body Types and What Clothes Flatter Each Type
Friday:  Creating Outfits and Style

Let’s do this, ladies!

Now, here’s how you can join in!

Instagram or Tweet a picture of you actually getting dressed in something that looks decent today! Just use the hashtag #fightthefrump!
Leave a comment telling me you’re fighting the frump–and which of the five excuses you gravitate the most to when it comes to being frumpy

Let’s encourage each other and fight the frump together!

Fight the Frump: Let’s Get Dressed!

Do you feel frumpy?

Look, no one has to live up to society’s standard of beauty. No one needs to be a size 4. But what I’m talking about has nothing to do with your figure and everything to do with the amount of effort we decide to put into our appearance.

Why should it matter? Because deciding to look put together is also saying, “I take myself seriously. I respect myself.”

And it’s saying one other thing, too. One reader recently left this comment:

One time my hubby came home from work and I was still in my pjs. He asked if I or the kids were sick, and when I said no he asked why I wasn’t dressed. I said I wasn’t going anywhere, so why shower and get dressed? He looked at me sadly and said,”am I not worth looking nice?”. From then on I have always tried to look good for my sweetie, even if I’m not going anywhere.

It’s showing your husband respect when you look put together! Why do we try to look our best for strangers, rather than the man who is supposed to enjoy looking at us?

So welcome to Fight the Frump Week!

This is what we’re going to be talking about all week! We’re going to be looking at how to fight the frump and feel better about ourselves. We’re going to feel more put together. More organized. More ready to take on the one world! And, especially, more confident with our husbands!

I did this four years ago on the blog, too, and I’ve decided that it’s time to do it again, because it’s super important! How we present ourselves is an extension of how we see ourselves. And when we don’t see ourselves as worth much, that’s going to affect everything–our marriage, our parenting, even our spiritual life.

Join us for Fight the Frump Week! It doesn't have to take tons of time or money to look great!Click To Tweet
I think a lot of frump is based in our own personal shame.

Many of you know about my 31 Days to Great Sex book, but that started out as a blog series here, the 29 Days to Great Sex challenge. When I did those challenges, I had immediate feedback from readers on how they were doing. And the challenge that women  had the hardest time with was the day I asked women to name five things they liked about their bodies. People gave up in frustration. When I rewrote the challenge for couples as 31 Days to Great Sex, I asked husbands to help their wives with this, because many of us women just can’t do it. All too many of us truly hate our bodies.

And so you hide them in oversized clothes, or ugly clothes, or all black and neutral clothes. You want to forget about your body. You want to ignore it. That’s hardly the recipe for a good sex life or a good marriage! Yours is the only body your husband is allowed to look at. If you’re confident and have fun with your body, so will he.

And God meant for you to enjoy your body. Do you really want to settle for less than God wants for you?

This week, ladies, we’re going to fight back! We’re going to fight the frump, and the attitudes that make us dress frumpy in the first place.

But before I tell you how, let’s go over some of our reasons for looking frumpy. Usually they go something like this:

No one’s going to see me but the kids anyway. And someone’s probably going to spit up on me! Sure I have to go to the grocery store, but so what? And I just want to be comfortable. I have nothing that fits. I don’t have any money for new clothes.

Stop making excuses! Here’s the truth. When we choose (and it is a choice) to look frumpy, it’s usually because we’re thinking one of these things:

I don’t have time to look put together. I’m running ragged all day!
I want to be comfortable!
I’m scared to go shopping because I don’t want to confront what my body actually looks like.
I don’t want to spend money on me.
I just don’t know how to dress my body type.

So let’s deal with these one one by one.

1. I don’t have time to fight the frump

To fight this one, let me show you something.

I asked my daughter Katie to help take a video last night of me putting on frumpy clothes vs. non-frumpy clothes. And you know what? It takes basically the same amount of time.

It takes no more time to get dressed in clothes that flatter you than it does to get dressed in clothes that don’t flatter you!

And it takes very, very little time to do your hair and makeup, too, if you have a good hairstyle and makeup ready. (We’ll be looking at that tomorrow!)

But look at this: You can wear sweat pants and an oversized T-shirt.

Total Time to Get Dressed: 30 Seconds

But it takes no more time, really, to get dressed in something super comfortable that fits! (And I deliberately chose something grey with no colour so that all of you who hate wearing colour have no excuses!).

Total Time to Get Dressed: 45 seconds

I didn’t even do my hair and makeup. But I still look a whole lot better.

It takes no more time to put on clothes that fit and flatter than clothes that feel frumpy!Click To Tweet
2. I want to be comfortable!

I get it. There are clothes I wear to church or out speaking that I take off immediately when i come home, because I can’t move as easily in them. But guess what? There are plenty of clothing options that you CAN move in that still look great (like the dark grey top in the video!).

And here’s another thing: Many people don’t want to wear their “good”, that they actually like, around the house in case they get splatter on them or the baby spits up. So you wear ugly T-shirts instead that you figure are disposable. But laundry stain remover can get out a lot of bad stuff. And “good” clothes don’t have to be expensive. Sometimes we think of “good” as anything we look good in, so then we’re deliberately not wearing the stuff that we like so that we don’t wreck it. But then we never, ever wear it. That’s hardly a recipe for happiness!

3. I’m embarrassed about my body

Ladies, society wants us to feel ugly. If we feel ugly, we’ll be dissatisfied. We’ll need to fill that void with something. So we’ll buy more food to kill the pain, or we’ll buy vacations, or more weight loss programs, or more magazines to motivate us. If we all felt great in our bodies, if we all owned just a few outfits that made us feel fabulous, why on earth would we need to keep spending money?

Society has a vested interest in you feeling ugly.

Do you want to give our culture that kind of power?

Don't give our degrading culture the power to make you feel badly about your body!Click To Tweet

You were bought at a price. God thinks of you as His beautiful bride. God looks at your inner beauty. Who cares what size you are?

 4. I don’t want to spend money on me

I understand the money issue. You want to spend the money on your family! But do you think it helps your children or your husband to feel as if their mom takes no pride in herself? And I have a friend who is struggling on very little money. She has three kids and she pays for them to have new clothes every year. They always look great.

But she does, too. She’s a very attractive woman, though she’s hardly a size 6! But she knows how to flatter her body. She owns a grand total of 3 pairs of pants (she only has one pair of dress pants). All of her clothes fit in a really small closet. All of her kids have more clothes than she does. But she still looks good, because the clothes she does have fit her and flatter her, and she just pulls on a belt and some jewelry and some nice makeup and she looks all set to go.

I am not saying that you need a closetful of clothes–not at all. I believe that most of us would do far better having five outfits that make us feel amazing than 25 that we bought off of the clearance rack that make us feel lousy. And it is better to spend $35 on two tops that will last and look great than buy 10 $6 tops from a bargain outlet that won’t withstand more than one season of washing in the washing machine.

Sometimes just buying value is so important.

5. I don’t know how to look good. I don’t think it’s possible with my body type.

Most of you reading this managed to give birth. You taught those kids how to use the potty. You fed them and kept them alive when they couldn’t even sit up. You learned everything there was to know about babies.

And you’re telling me that you can’t take 5 minutes and really analyze what body shape you are and what types of clothes flatter that body shape? I know it can take longer than 5 minutes to find a pair of pants that fit, but that’s no reason to give up! When you find some that do fit, you’ve crossed a milestone, and you’ll feel so much more confident about it. So what if it takes trying on 20? It’s not an indictment about your size; it’s just that we’re all made a little differently, that’s all.

And shopping is easier than ever before! I shop for my clothes online now. Online retailers have such elaborate measurements written on their website that all you need is a measuring tape and you’ll know exactly what size to order. And if it doesn’t look good you can often mail it right back–for free! So you don’t even have to drag little ones to the mall. This can be a lot less intimidating than trying on dresses and pants there.

No matter your body type, every woman can look beautiful, and every woman can look put together. Every woman can take pride in herself. When you do this, your marriage improves overnight, because you become more confident in your body, and that reaps huge dividends.

No matter your body type, every woman can feel put together in clothes that flatter! #fightthefrumpClick To Tweet
So will you join me and fight the frump with me?

Here’s what’s coming this week:

Tuesday: Making Hair & Makeup Easy and Quick
Wednesday: An analysis of the 6 main body types and figuring out what flatters you
Thursday: Finding Your Style that Feels Like You!
Friday:  Making that Put Together Look Easy and Quick!

Let’s do this, ladies!

Now, here’s how you can join in!

Instagram or Tweet a picture of you actually getting dressed in something that looks decent today! Just use the hashtag #fightthefrump!
Leave a comment telling me you’re fighting the frump–and which of the five excuses you gravitate the most to when it comes to being frumpy

Let’s encourage each other and fight the frump together!

Caring for Aging Parents: Splitting Responsibility with Siblings

What if aging parents need help, but only one child lives near them?

For the last two Fridays I’ve been talking about caring for aging parents. I started the conversation by accident, with a little bit of a rant on 3 things parents should do to make it easier for their children to care for them eventually. Then last week I followed up with thoughts on how to draw boundaries about what you will and won’t do for your parents.

Today I want to talk about a different relationship: sibling relationships.

Even if your relationship with your parents is difficult, one day they may need care regardless. And what do you do if only one child lives near them–and your other siblings live far away?

That was a big theme in the comments over the last few weeks–how do you  handle it when you’re the only one who lives close?

I’d just like to tell you a story about my grandparents.

My grandparents retired in their mid-60s in the early 1970s. At the time, one of my aunts was just married and getting set up in southern California. My mother and her other sister lived in Toronto. My grandparents decided to retire in Kelowna, which is in British Columbia, a four hour plane ride from Toronto (more, really, because it requires a stopover somewhere). That was their first mistake–moving far away from family. (I talked about that in the original post!)

They were fairly healthy, and my grandfather used to walk several miles a day. But out of the blue, in 1977, he had a massive stroke. My aunt in Toronto flew out immediately. She’s a doctor, and she could be the most help. She also had two little girls at the time–1 and 3. But my mother was a single mom to me, and I was 7. My mom couldn’t leave her job. My aunt Alison could.

Over the next few months they made arrangements to move my grandparents to Toronto. My grandfather was badly affected by the stroke; he was paralyzed on his left side, and his speech was difficult. He had spent his life as a choir director and voice teacher and he could no longer sing. (His speech eventually came back; his singing voice didn’t.) But my grandmother was still relatively fine. They moved into an assisted living apartment where she could care for him.

In 1980 the family faced a difficult decision. My cousin Danielle, who was 4 at the time, had severe asthma. The doctors advised my aunt and uncle to take her out of Toronto for her health. So they moved three hours out of the city, leaving my mom as the only child now near my grandparents.

My cousins and me with my grandparents in 1990

Over the years as my grandmother’s health deteriorated too, they eventually had to go into a nursing home. My grandmother actually passed first, in 1993. My grandfather lived another ten years, living 25 years after a massive stroke.

And in that last fifteen years or so of his life, my mother visited them every single Saturday (except when we were on vacation). Think about that: every single Saturday, she went to see her parents. And it wasn’t easy–it required a long subway ride and an even longer bus transfer. Toronto’s a big place!

Once parents are in a home, they need kids to visit them even more.

When kids visit, then the people at the home know that this person is watched, and so they get cared for better. And besides, the home may keep you alive, fed, and clean (barely). But they don’t ensure that you have things to do or that you aren’t bored out of your mind. For my grandfather, it was a constant struggle to find ways to read (it was hard with bad vision and only one hand to hold a book and turn pages), and to find things to listen to or figure out how to use a TV.

But my mom sometimes needed a break. And she couldn’t do everything. 

So here’s the arrangement she worked out with her siblings:

Mom visited every weekend and just took care of daily things.
Her physician sister who lived three hours away came in during the week to do all medical and dental appointments (which were frequent) because she had a more flexible work schedule
The sister who lived in California flew up for a week every year and took Grandpa on lots of errands and did all the special things that had been building up (like finding a new TV that he could operate).

That way my mom got a bit of a break. But since she lived closer, she did do the bulk of the care.

At Grandpa’s 90th birthday in 1998.

If you’re the sibling who lives further away, please help!

I watched my mom dedicate every weekend to her parents for years. It was a HUGE toll on her. The fact that her sisters helped made a big difference.

If you have aging parents and you have a sibling caring for them, please offer to help. If you have to give up a week of your vacation time, yes, that’s a sacrifice. But if your sibling is giving up weekends and evenings, they need a break, too.

Divide up finances fairly

Another issue is that the sibling who cares for mom and dad is typically out of pocket quite a bit. And they also often miss out on general fun things that most people get to do. The sacrifice is pretty immense.

So it’s important for siblings to talk now, rather than after the parent passes, about finances. Will the sibling who cares for the parents get more of the inheritance? Can the sibling use some of the parent’s income now to pay for expenses? Have those awkward conversations. And do be generous.

What if you need help and your siblings won’t give it?

And here’s the hardest scenario: What if you were like my mom, but unlike my mother, your siblings didn’t want to help? And it truly is all on your shoulders?

When Aging Parents Need Help: How to work it out with siblings on how to divide up the work:Click To Tweet

Maybe there’s a house that needs to be cleaned out. Maybe your mom has been living with you but you can’t handle it anymore. Now what?

I know this is hard, but you can’t force a sibling to help.

Don’t commit to helping your parents to a certain degree, assuming that someone will pitch in. Only commit to what you can do, assuming that you get no help whatsoever. That’s hard, but it is reality.

I’ve known people to take a mom with Alzheimer’s into their home for a year, assuming a sibling will do the same thing a year later. But not all siblings are able to do that, especially with their own family situation. And some may decide it’s just too much of a disruption.

Sometimes siblings have really good reasons for not helping, too. I think of one of my friends who was severely abused by her mother growing up, and lived mostly in foster homes. She has no relationship with her mother today–but her older sister does. And her older sister is caring for the mother, and often wants help. This mother, however, injured my friend far more than she injured the older sister. For my friend’s psychological health, she needs to stay away. 

My mother-in-law would have loved to have helped her mother at the end of her life, but she lived 20 hours away, had four small boys, and couldn’t drive there. They visited when they could, but it was impossible to do more without moving (and there were no jobs back home).

Sometimes your siblings think your parents don’t need that much help.

There’s one other issue: sometimes siblings honestly don’t think parents need that much help. And sometimes the siblings are right. In my grandparents’ case, they did need help if they were to have a good quality of life. But as we discussed last week, sometimes parents are asking unreasonable things of their kids. If your siblings decide to draw boundaries, and say no, that is their prerogative. Maybe you feel too guilty to do that. But perhaps you should listen to your siblings, too.

Sometimes, as well, a sibling may think that the parents belong in a care facility rather than at home (or living with you). They may not be willing to help keep the parents in a house if they feel the time has come for the parents to go elsewhere. If you’re battling with guilt over forcing your parents to go into a home, you may take on a huge amount of responsibility. But if your siblings are standing firm, that is not their fault. They may have a point. If you can’t keep things together without your siblings’ help, but your siblings say they’ll only help under certain conditions, maybe you should sit down and listen to your siblings. They may be right.

Okay, that’s a lot of different scenarios! I hope I covered most of them. But tell me what you think: do you find care for aging parents to be lopsided in your family? What do you do about it? 

Are you the sibling trying to get other siblings to draw some boundaries? Are you the sibling trying to get other siblings to do more? Let’s talk in the comments!

 

 

On Blessing Your Kids–and Sharing Embarrassing Photos

My girls and I have been on a bit of a road trip this week!

And today I thought I’d give you a bit of an update (plus share some super funny embarrassing pictures I found!)

Last week my friend Tammy, who works with me, picked me up and loaded all my stuff in her van and we drove down to Indiana, where I gave a Girl Talk in Highland. A MOPS group had organized it (those are always the best events!) and we had a blast.

By the way, if your church may be interested in hosting a Girl Talk, just let me know! It’s a super fun evening where I talk about sex and marriage, and it goes over really well as an outreach, too! We’re even bringing it on tour to Australia and New Zealand in May (and if you’re Down Under and you’d like to get in on the tour, there’s time!). You can find more about it here. (We’re hoping to come back to Alberta next fall, and then hit the middle and eastern states next year in our RV!)

Then Tammy and I holed up in a hotel last weekend, doing some work and also some serious shopping (I got four pairs of boots and shoes for the price of the black boots I was wearing in that picture), and waited for this week to arrive.

On Monday we picked my girls up at the Chicago airport and headed south, because Tuesday night we were giving our Mother Daughter Event in Moberly, Missouri. I don’t have the good pictures of it yet, but it was so much fun!

We’ve designed the event so that the purpose is to help daughters understand that their mom is really on their side, and to help improve communication. It’s for moms with daughters in junior high and high school, and we spend the first half helping daughters understand where moms are coming from and helping moms understand where daughters are coming from. We each talk and tell funny stories, and then we have little mini-projects that the mom and daughter can discuss amongst themselves, to start those conversations.

In the second half, we talk about how to improve communication. And we end with having the moms give their daughters a blessing which I always model. It’s actually quite a powerful evening! On Monday night, after I told about the blessing and then told the moms to try it, I saw one girl hop into her mom’s lap and say, “I’m ready!” It was so cute.

We don’t make the daughters open up that much (though we do have little things they can share with their moms) because the purpose is to have the daughters see, “I can trust my mom.” I really like this event, and I hope we do more of them!

We decided that yesterday, on our long drive back home, we’d spend the morning at the Abraham Lincoln Presidential Library, since we were going right through Springfield, Illinois.

Katie is the Queen of Selfies!

Keith and I visited the museum on our way through two years ago, and I really wanted to see it with the girls. It’s so well done. And you get this tremendous sense of how burdened Lincoln was. He had these big things he totally believed in and wanted to accomplish, but he was opposed at every turn, even from those within his own party. When you know something is the right thing to do, how do you keep on when everyone is telling you it’s not practical or you’re wrong? Plus he endured such personal tragedy, too.

The statistics on slavery were just so sobering. 186,000 children sold away from their parents between 1820 and the Civil War. 226,000 adults sold away from their spouses. Just imagine the scale of misery. It’s really astounding. And what’s even more astounding is that Christians justified it.

May we never be so blind in our own time.

We visited the Abraham Lincoln Tomb after that, just to pay our respects.

It was very sobering. And very well done.

We may be Canadian, but when we homeschooled our kids we made them memorize the Gettysburg address. Some things are universal and belong to the ages, not just to the United States. Lincoln’s principles and courage are such things.

And now we come to my embarrassing pictures…

After that we had eight hours in a car yesterday, not getting into our hotel until after midnight (I’m seriously tired this morning as I type this!). We’re crossing the border soon and heading back home today.

During long car rides I like to organize my pictures on my Mac, deleting useless ones, tagging photos, and marking everyone’s faces so I can easily find pictures later.

And I came across a photo that made me laugh out loud, so hard that I woke up the girls who were sleeping in the back seat.

Taken on our trip to Ireland last year, Keith and I came across a candy shop named “Sheila’s”. So I stopped for a picture.

I swear, on everything I hold dear, I THOUGHT I WAS POINTING AT MY NAME.

I don’t even know what that expression on my face is supposed to be!

And we’ve been joking that my husband needs glasses, but I think this confirms it. Because why did he not say something when he was taking that picture? As far as I know, he didn’t notice anything amiss!

Anyway, as we were going through the pictures, after seeing that one, I came across another one that Tammy took of me while we were shopping last weekend.

You have to realize, we had all spent an hour laughing at the photo above. And then we saw this one:

Tammy and I had been walking through the store and saw the abominable snowman, and I decided I needed a picture. BUT I HAD NO IDEA WHAT THIS WOULD LOOK LIKE. I mean, what is my hand doing? According to his expression, it’s having an effect.

But I swear, it’s totally innocent.

I was just holding my phone! But because the phone is black and my coat is black, you can’t really see the phone on first glance. But that’s why my hand is like that.

Anyway, maybe it’s because we had been driving so far yesterday and were bored and overtired, but I thought my daughters were going to pass out they were laughing so hard. They want to turn this into the family Christmas card. They immediately wanted to text it all to their husbands (or soon-to-be-husband), but decided they wanted to present it while live, in person.

So I thought I’d share it with you, and I hope you’ll all take it in fun. I really am tired right now, so I have no idea if my judgment is seriously off. But that’s what we’ve been doing all week (and that’s why I haven’t been as active in the comments!)

We’re leaving our last hotel and heading home in a few minutes, and I’m getting ready for a seriously fun week next week when we FIGHT THE FRUMP! It will be a great series. And join me tomorrow for our third instalment in caring for aging parents, because that’s had such feedback I’ve decided to keep it going for a bit!

Ever realized you took a seriously embarrassing photo, inadvertently? Tell me about it in the comments so I don’t feel like the only one!

 

Wifey Wednesday: The Best Anniversary Trip Ever

When Keith and I celebrated our 25th anniversary this year, we wanted to do something big. And something different.

We’ve actually traveled quite a bit in our lives, heading to Kenya for a missions trip three times, and doing lots of cruises. I also spent some time in Europe as a teenager.

But there was one place I’ve always wanted to go: Ireland. And we decided that for our 25th anniversary, we’d head there. I find it actually harder to convince myself to take vacations now that we’re empty nesters; with the kids gone, it’s like we’re together all the time anyway. Why would we need to go away? That thinking is a huge mistake, though! We always need to create memories. And for a big anniversary, it’s good to try to plan something extra special.

Our trip had been in the works for about a decade, and as the time got closer, we tried to figure out exactly what we wanted to do in Ireland. I remembered my mother talking about a walking tour she took in England about 20 years ago, and I wondered if there was such a thing as a walking tour in Ireland. So I Googled it.

And we found Hillwalk Tours! As I read the description, I said to myself, “this is what I always wanted to do without knowing such a thing existed!” We had such fun with them I asked them sponsor a post so I could tell you all about it.

What Hillwalk Tours does is organizes SELF-GUIDED walking tours.

You don’t have to go with a bunch of strangers. You don’t have to be held up by anyone else. But you do get to walk!

Loving the ancient stone fences that line everything!

It’s the coolest thing. Each day you walk between 10-25 km, depending on whether you’re doing the Gentle or Moderate hikes. The tour company provides you with extremely detailed maps of where to walk (complete with suggestions for where to stop along the way, where to eat, and where to shop), and then books you in with a B&B. Each day, the B&B drives your luggage to the NEXT B&B, and you just hike! It’s super simple. You can also choose how many days you go for–we did 6, and we chose to stay an extra day in the middle in an interesting town. But you can do 4-10 day hikes in most places.

So many cool rock formations like this one!

I just love the idea of a walking tour. I spend my days at a computer screen. So while cruises are nice and luxurious, I really have been craving vacations that are more active (and less expensive!). And I don’t like the hustle and bustle of the city. I like actually seeing the country. The walking tour was perfect. We got to talk a ton, we saw gorgeous sights, and we got a lot of exercise!

We chose the Antrim tour, along the northern coast of Ireland (which happens to be where Game of Thrones is filmed, so we were passing Game of Thrones tour buses everywhere!) We even went on the rope bridge that the series made famous (Here’s Keith waving!)

One of the highlights of the tour was Rathlin Island, a small island with a huge seabird colony (Keith’s a big bird watcher!).

There were literally thousands upon thousands of birds on rock formations out in the water.

We saw puffins!

One day we walked mostly through a town, and then spent a bit of time in a forest before emerging in the next small village.

Walking in the forest

Other days we were along a beach, and then finally we ended up in the Giant’s Causeway walk, which was along the cliff.

The Giant’s Causeway is a super interesting natural formation, that looks like cobblestones for giants.

When we were taking the big trail near the Giant’s Causeway,  you could see who was approaching you. If it ever looked like an older couple was going to overtake us, we’d just pause and pretend we were intently talking photos, rather than that we were a little bit out of shape!

We’re fairly healthy, though we don’t exercise much at home. But we found we could handle the moderate hike no problem.

I definitely will do this again.

A self-guided walking tour was my favourite vacation we’ve ever taken, just because it was so different.

And I think it would work great doing it with a baby or toddler in a backpack carrier, too. Much better than sitting on a beach, because they’d have stuff to do and things to look at!

The B&Bs we stayed in were comfortable, and the breakfasts were always amazing and huge! We brought a lot of granola and healthy, snacky foods from home to be our lunches, and then we’d eat a huge dinner. So we didn’t end up spending a ton on food. And the vacation itself was fairly inexpensive, likely the cheapest European vacation I can think of. Right now, the American dollar is pretty much on par with the euro, so it’s a great time to travel.

And, of course, Keith got some wonderful bird pictures (you can see all his Ireland bird pics here).

And we saw other wildlife as well!

We also saw a bunch of Irish castles (or at least the ruins of some). Here’s Dunluce Castle, which was special to us, because it’s where C.S. Lewis spent a lot of his boyhood, and it’s the inspiration for Cair Paravel in the Narnia series.

Hillwalk Tours offers Irish vacations, both in Northern Ireland and in the Republic of Ireland, as well as self-guided walking tours in England, Scotland, and Spain. You can begin any day you want–it’s really flexible. We chose May because it was the least rainy season and it was relatively warm (though we were in sweaters most of the time).

Yes, you can save up money and go to an all-inclusive resort for your anniversary. And I’ve done that before. But you can also spend a lot less money and have an honest-to-goodness adventure! We saw so much of the countryside of Ireland, and the breathtaking views along the coast, and we explored it with the maps and information they gave us, but on our own time.

The map for the day is in its weather-protected shield around my neck!

Keith felt like a real man navigating the directions through the town and the forest one day (it honestly wasn’t that hard; they’re really detailed), but it was much more fun than being driven somewhere. You’re honestly exploring! And you can do it all at your own pace.

And then we had the evenings just to relax together. I already know the next one we’re doing is the West Highland Way in Scotland! I don’t know when we’ll get there, but it’s on my list. And I can hardly wait!

Read more about Hillwalk Tours, and what’s involved in a self-guided walking tour!

What interesting, out-of-the-box trips have you done as a couple? Let’s talk in the comments!

10 Things You Shouldn’t Share with Your Spouse

Should we truly be 100% honest in marriage?

I’ve written before that I don’t think absolute honesty is the best policy in marriage, and today, for Top 10 Tuesday, I thought I’d elaborate and share 10 things you SHOULDN’T say to your spouse! I even asked you all on Facebook for your opinions, and got some great answers that I’ll sprinkle through this post.

But first, I want to go back to first principles.

What is it that God wants for marriage? He wants us to have intimate marriages where we truly “know” each other; where we’re able to love each other and be a team and serve God together. We want to feel like one flesh.

That means that when we’re sharing, we need to ask, “Is this something that will build up intimacy and one-ness, or will it tear it down?” Now, that doesn’t mean that we don’t share hard things, because sometimes hard things need to be shared to get to that next level of intimacy. But often it means that some things, I believe, should be dealt with on your own with God, or with a friend or accountability partner instead of your spouse.

So let’s take a look at what some of those things may be!

10 Things You Shouldn’t Share with Your Spouse

10 Things You SHOULDN'T Share with Your Spouse--because brutal honesty is not the best policy.Click To Tweet
1. “I wouldn’t have married you” if I knew then what I know now

One woman recently wrote me about a close friend who shared just this. She says:

Sometimes I think people who are unhappy in their relationship use brutal honesty as a way to try to manipulate the relationship to be what they want, or to break the other person down so that they call it quits first. My friend married her husband because he is such a stable and steady man, but now she needs more excitement in her life, so she’s told him honestly that if she was the person then that she is now, she wouldn’t have married him. That she wants more sex than he can give her. That she doesn’t find him to be intelligent. That she doesn’t respect his (well paying) job because he’s not a professional. And that his few vanity pounds really bother her. Then she complained to me that he seems depressed. What? Tearing her marriage to pieces with her own “honest” words.

We all go through periods where we’re bored or dissatisfied with life. And many of us use “honesty” to offload those feelings onto our spouse. Maybe if they get upset enough, they’ll leave and then we don’t have to feel guilty!

Another woman wrote:

Saying words just to hurt someone else and hiding behind the “well, it’s the truth”, isn’t the same as being honest! That is being a bully, verbally abusive!

Exactly! If you’re bored, then do something about it. The grass is not greener on the other side. Start hobbies together. Build your friendship. Focus on encouraging him and praising him, and you’ll notice the good he does. I have a ton more on this in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, because if you’re bored and dissatisfied, your marriage does NOT have to stay that way. So what will you DO about it, instead of making your spouse feel awful?

2. “I don’t love you right now”

Let’s be clear: love is an action, not just a feeling. You can act love even if you don’t feel it. If you are going through a period of distance with your spouse, when you don’t feel close, telling them that you don’t love them will increase that distance, not decrease it.

Yes, your marriage may be in crisis, and it may mean that you need to share something so you can try to rebuild, but that’s the time to say, “I’m feeling so unhappy and so distant from you, like there’s a big chasm. I don’t want that. I think we need to do something. Can we talk about it?” And try my emotional reconnection course, too!

3. “I’m not attracted to you anymore”

Now that’s a surefire way to wreck someone’s confidence! And once you share it, it can never be taken back. It’s one thing to talk to your spouse about being concerned about their health and wanting to help them get a handle on it; it’s quite another to say, “you don’t turn me on.”

Don't EVER tell your spouse you aren't attracted to them anymore. That's mean, not helpful!Click To Tweet
4. “I think X is hot”

I know a few couples who are super confident and who share everything, and who even keep each other up to date on who they think is hot at church, so their spouse can hold them accountable.

So perhaps some marriages can get away with this.

But in general, it’s not a good idea to tell your spouse you think someone else is attractive.

Here’s a story one Facebook commenter left:

I had a newlywed friend years ago who called me in tears because her husband confided in her that he didn’t find her as attractive as her sister. He wasn’t lusting after her sister or spending extra time with her or talking to her secretly. They barely knew each other and didn’t even live close, and she was much too young for him. This was just him matter-of-factly telling his young bride that she wasn’t as pretty. It killed her self-confidence.

She goes on to explain that this young man just wanted to start marriage right by being 100% honest and preventing problems before they occurred. But in this case, it just caused more problems when an affair with the sister wasn’t even a real threat.

Besides, talking about lust or finding someone else attractive just feeds those feelings. Keep your eyes on your spouse. If you notice someone else, instead of mentioning it, why don’t you take that moment to kiss your spouse and fill your mind with all the things you love about your spouse?

5. “Let me tell you details of my past sexual experiences”

If you have sexual baggage, it’s crucial that your spouse knows, because it’s going to affect your life now. So they need to know in general terms: are we talking 1 partner or 50? Was sex coerced or was it consensual? Did you enjoy it in general or was it awful in general? Those things are good to know.

However, you should never share so much that your spouse could picture it, play by play. We may think that baring our whole pasts is a good thing, but too many details can really torture a spouse today. And if they ask to know details, that’s the time to stop sharing. It doesn’t do anyone any good and can feed jealousy. If your spouse just can’t get past it, perhaps that’s the time to see a counsellor–or at least read this post on overcoming jealousy.

6. “I enjoyed sex with X a lot!”

If you had a really good time sexually with someone else before you were married, your spouse now does not have to know that. Even if the sex was better or more exciting, your spouse does not have to be burdened with that information. What will that solve?

If you’re feeling unhappy with your sex life now, then do something about it, rather than reminding yourself how great it used to be. Try the 31 Days to Great Sex!

7. “Your penis is too small”

I once had a woman write to me in agony because her husband’s anatomy was on the small side. Because she had had sexual partners before marriage who were better endowed, she knew what she was missing. She didn’t want to tell him (thankfully!), but she also didn’t know what to do. Here’s a post that can help you achieve more sensation during intercourse even if he’s not well endowed. And there is NEVER a reason to let your husband think that his body isn’t good enough for you! That’s something many men can’t recover fully from.

8. “That idea would never work”

One Facebook commenter said,

if he likes to daydream out loud about living in the woods (or whatever) you don’t need to point out all the problems with it.

Yep! Let him have some fun. Now, if he’s considering emptying your bank account to invest in a ridiculous business venture, then it may be time to speak up. But sometimes people need to decompress.

9. “I already knew that ages ago!”

The same commenter left this other gem:

If he shares a spiritual truth or insight you don’t need to share that you’ve known it for years

Exactly! If he’s been doing some soul searching and he’s excited about something God’s showing him, be excited with him! In other words, the goal here is to see what God is doing in his life and getting on board with it, rather than making the conversation about you.

Yes, we're to be honest with our spouse. But let's build up, not tear down.Click To Tweet
10. “I’m tempted by X”

Here’s what one Facebook commenter said:

Sometimes we are attacked. Sometimes we have things that are not grounded in truth that we think and feel and those just don’t need to be brought to light. Sometimes we need to take those to God and deal with those and keep our mouths shut.

I agree. I think there is a difference between a fleeting temptation and a genuine struggle. If you are struggling with something, that needs to be shared. Your husband needs to know what you’re going through, and needs to help you find accountability and help. But let’s face it: sometimes stray thoughts enter our brains and they’re not productive, they’re not edifying, and they don’t even really flow from our inmost heart. They’re not really reflective of who we are. Sharing those things is not always necessary. Instead, learning the private habit of “taking every thought captive” (2 Corinthians 10:5) and training our brains to focus on good things is a far better practice to have!

So there you go! 10 things not to share with a spouse.

One woman summed it up really well this way:

I think with anything we have to ask ourselves this question: what will the fruit of it be? If what I’m wanting to say won’t produce good fruit, it’s not necessary to say. Sometimes we have to be honest and say something hard but it will still bear good fruit in the long run. Other times we use honesty as an excuse to say whatever we want regardless of others feelings. So always pray first and ask what the fruit would be.

That’s great advice!

So what do you think? Are there some things you shouldn’t share with your spouse? Have I missed something? What would #11 be to you? Let’s talk in the comments!