Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 117
January 2, 2018
Top 10 Marriage Habits to Cultivate this New Year!
The big thing I talk about here at To Love, Honor and Vacuum is marriage, and with the new year upon us, it makes sense to look at some ways you can improve your marriage over the next year.
So have you made any marriage goals? I asked on Facebook for marriage goals that people had made this year, and got some great answers!
But remember–if you want to meet those goals, you need to develop new habits that will get you there! And today, for Top 10 Tuesday, I thought I’d list 10 marriage habits that can help you reach some new goals!
As you’re reading this, here’s what I’d suggest: Before you start, think of the big goal or big change you’d like to see in your marriage this year. Have that in your mind first. Then, as you read, what ONE habit resonates the most with you? What ONE habit will get you where you feel God is calling you?
Then start that ONE thing! (Please don’t try to start all 10. Pretty please. Make one small change! It’s much easier to do, and then you’ll see better results.)
Okay, let’s go:
10 Awesome Marriage Habits to start this new year--Pick 1 and DO IT!Click To Tweet
Marriage Habits to Help You Feel Emotionally Closer
1. Start a daily check-in
One of the biggest threats to oneness in marriage is simply drifting apart–or feeling like you don’t know each other anymore. That’s so common, especially if you work separate shifts or if one of you spends a lot of time out of town. Even if you’re just busy with kids, and you’re in the same house at night, you can still feel like you’re drifting.
So start this one great marriage habit: every night, share your high and low–the time during the day when you felt most energized and “in the groove”, and the time when you felt the most drained.
Here’s why this is especially powerful: Introverts can be extra awkward with the question, “what did you do today?” It makes it sound like you have to recount your whole day and talk for hours! But if you simply have to share two moments, it’s easier to do. And you both still feel emotionally connected, because you’ve shared the times when your emotions were strongest.
Here’s a post on this quick marriage habit!
2. Go to bed at the same time
Adults need bedtimes, too! In fact, adults need SLEEP. And with screens, often we stay up far too late. If you go to bed at the same time, though, you’re more likely to feel rested, and you’re more likely to experience real intimacy as you drift off together. That’s your time to chat, to pray, and even to make love!
3. Add some non-screen time to your day
Start a new hobby together. Play some board games as a couple! Find some things to do that don’t involve a screen.
My husband and I have recently decided that every night we’re going to play a board game BEFORE we watch Netflix or bring a screen into our marriage. It challenges the brain. It lets you laugh together. And it lets you talk and create memories. Screen times are passive times when the brain isn’t really engaged. Game times are active times. So that’s when you can create memories!
I have a great post on 2 player board games that I update all the time with new games. Here’s our game cupboard shelf with all our games that work with just two people. So fun!
4. Have a weekly date night
Many women on Facebook wrote about wanting to stress a weekly date night this year! But date night doesn’t have to mean dinner and a movie. It can just mean planning one night a week that’s especially for you. Maybe you put the kids to bed first and then you eat later, and do something together (like that board game). Or maybe you do ballroom dancing online classes in your living room! (That’s one of our favourite romantic things to do!)
One woman on Facebook wrote this:
[Our goal is] weekly date night! Even if they are staying in dates (we have three small children and a puppy haha!)
5. Catch him doing something right
Here’s a different habit that can make all the difference! One woman on Facebook wrote this:
[My goal is] to keep “catching him doing things right!” Looking for opportunities daily to thank him, affirm him, compliment him, both privately and in front of others. And to talk to God daily in deep prayer about areas he needs to grow and change, for at least a month, before I try talking to him about it.
She got that “catch him doing things right” from my book 9 Thoughts That Can Change a Marriage. So often we’re looking and thinking about the things that he’s doing wrong. But when you make it a habit, everyday, to find one thing to call out and compliment that he’s doing right, then you start looking for those things. And when you look for them, you notice them more. It changes your whole outlook! You become more grateful and more loving. And, perhaps ironically, as you do that, it’s actually easier to talk about the things that are problematic in your marriage, because your attitude primarily is not a critical one. It’s a great habit to break the negative cycle!
What is 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage about?
Sometimes the reason our marriages won’t grow is because we’re thinking about the marriage—and the problem—all wrong.
That’s what happened early in my marriage.
And in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, I show you 9 thought patterns that can change everything. And it’s not always about becoming nicer. Often it’s just about recognizing what is GOOD.
That may mean learning to confront sin. It may mean learning to own our own issues. But it always means learning to grow together, not apart.
Marriage Habits to Build a Great Sex Life
6. Schedule Sex
Scheduling sex isn’t for everyone. But for many it can work really well. If one of you has a low libido, then scheduling sex tells the person with the higher libido–it’s okay. You’re going to make love this week. That way they don’t have to always be on edge and asking, and the low libido spouse doesn’t always have to worry, and the low libido spouse has the ability to get herself or himself “in the mood” throughout the day!
Also, if you haven’t had sex in a long time, and you’re realizing that you need to start connecting again, it can be very awkward to start. This takes some of the awkwardness factor out. No one has to initiate sex–you know you’re going to. So it’s easier!
One woman wrote this on Facebook:
[My goal is to] have “nookie” 3 times a week. We didn’t have any for over 21 months and just recently decided to fix that.
Yep! This is often the way to do that. And if you want an even bigger prompt–try the 31 Days to Great Sex challenge in January! 
January 1, 2018
Why Character Matters: Let’s Decide to Be Good, Not Just Successful
I’m sitting here in my pyjamas after having a quiet New Year’s Eve with my husband, watching some TV and knitting the bridesmaids’ shawls for my daughter Katie’s wedding next month.
And I’m just taking it easy today!
But I came across a quick thought I wrote a few New Year’s ago, in the secular column I wrote in a bunch of local newspapers, and I thought it was important to mention again. So here we go:
Have you ever noticed that most of our resolutions concern weight? We’re going to exercise. We’re not going to sneak the kids’ chocolate. We’re going to diet, at least for the next few days before our resolve passes.
Being healthy is certainly an admirable goal, but I’m curious as to why we focus so much on food. Other variables influence our health, too.
For men, especially, being married is a health boon. It’s the equivalent to never having smoked. And common law relationships don’t have the same health bonus. Divorce, on the other hand, is a health killer. So if we’re really interested in health, maybe we should focus on our relationships, too!
The same is true for our children. We want them to succeed and do well in life, but we tend to focus on academics, as if that’s all that counts. But if we want to raise kids who will be independent, motivated, and responsible, good marks are no guarantee of anything! We all know brilliant young men with no drive who waste their lives on video games. Intelligence is not nearly the determinant for future success as work ethic and morals are. (Which is why you should teach your kids to cook!)
I think many parents, though, just assume that their children will turn out okay. They give them the best toys, an easy life, and help them to succeed in school, assuming that this will steer their children into becoming good citizens. But without a real moral foundation, there’s no guarantee that this will happen.
Our culture is spreading a message which is the exact antithesis of real success in life. It says that appearance matters more than ethics; that sex is the way to popularity; that money can buy happiness (and so can electronic gadgets); and that the best thing in life is to have fun, not to be productive. The only way for our children to combat these attitudes is for us to take an active role in their lives and show them the benefits of acting responsibly.
Our New Year’s Resolutions for our children, then, should primarily focus on character.
If you raise a child with good morals, the rest will follow. If you raise a self-centred, irresponsible but intelligent child, they’re unlikely to go far. So this year, can you teach them to do chores, so that they learn basic life skills and learn to think of others before they make a mess? Can you refuse to allow your children to call each other names, to gossip about others, or to degrade anyone else? Can you stop watching movies or TV shows that promote the wrong message? Can you teach them how to pray?
Our society has many dark corners, making it easy to believe that life is inevitably moving in the wrong direction. But we can beat the odds if we start focusing on what really matters. This year, prioritize your relationships. Prioritize character, both in yourself and in your kids. And maybe we can finally build a culture where goodness and kindness are truly valued.
Here’s a Suggestion to Make this Stick!
Sit down and pray with your spouse about what character trait you really want to cultivate in yourself and your kids this year. Generosity? Self-control? Patience? Kindness?
Now brainstorm specific things you can do as a family to cultivate those traits! Will you help your kids learn patience by giving them an allowance and encouraging them to save for something big? Will you cultivate generosity by helping kids choose toys to give away to a shelter or teach them how to start tithing on their allowance? Will you as a family choose to give up a weekend to volunteer somewhere? Will you cultivate self-control by putting time limits on screens, or limiting desserts? Will you help your kids choose WHEN they want their desserts during the day, so that they have some control?
Really pray about it, because if we specifically choose to do family a different way, we can start to cultivate these traits in our kids.
And, as we grow closer to God, the Holy Spirit will also do His work in producing fruit!
Happy New Year’s, everyone!
December 29, 2017
Are You Trying too Hard to Be Disciplined?
I can see all kinds of areas of my life which would be more productive and effective if I did things better. I need more discipline in my work. I need to make healthier snacks. I need to spend more time in prayer. I need to jog more.
You know the drill. And this time of year, with New Year’s Resolutions just around the corner, being more disciplined is in the forefront of many of our minds.
But I also know that’s not God’s voice. God, I don’t believe, is up in heaven saying, “You should just try a little harder.” No, God is calling us to a relationship with Him.
Do you find yourself constantly thinking, 'I could do better?' Here is encouragement for you:Click To Tweet
Self-control and discipline are fruits of the spirit. We are called, for instance, to abstain from gluttony, and sexual excess, and drunkenness, and laziness. We are called to abstain from excess of any kind.
But that doesn’t mean that self-control can be the goal for our lives.
I don’t think you can pursue self-control any more than you can pursue any others of the fruits of the Spirit, like love or joy. Can you pursue joy and be joyful? No. But you can pursue God.
And I think that’s the point. The reason I sometimes feel out of whack is not because my schedule is wrong or I’m not trying hard enough. It’s because I don’t have enough time in prayer.
Look at Jesus. He was disciplined. He was effective. But He didn’t have a schedule which said that He was going to spend this much time on one thing, and then this much time on something else. You get the feeling that He didn’t have much of an agenda. Instead, He spend a lot of time in prayer, and then went where God moved.
I am not saying we shouldn’t have schedules. I think they’re necessary for many things.
If we want the Fruit of the Spirit to be visible in our lives this year, let's start chasing God.Click To Tweet
What I am saying is that my problem is not so much with discipline as it is with dedication.
I need to be more dedicated to God, because I believe that if I spend more time just in prayer, I will be led more by Him. I will be able to hear His voice. I will waste less time, I will be more effective with what I do have, and I will not feel that I have wasted my day if I haven’t reached my goals, because I will know I have reached God’s goals.
Rick Warren once said that there is enough time in the day to do everything God wants you to do today, and I think that is so true. If there are too many things on your plate, and you can’t possibly get them all done, then realize that God knows that. He doesn’t want you to get them all done. But the ones He does want you to concentrate on He does give you time for.
'There is enough time in the day to do everything God wants you to do today' - Rick WarrenClick To Tweet
The trick is to be able to hear His voice. And that means spending more time in prayer. I am very disciplined at blogging, and having my shower, and making my bed. I’m not disciplined at listening enough to God. I don’t want to add something else to my “to-do” list, but I don’t think prayer is actually adding to a to-do list. I think it’s subtracting. Because the more we pray, the more our priorities are clarified, and our spirit is renewed.
But prayer isn’t spending five minutes listing all the things that we need.
It has to be an interaction with God that we take some time with. I believe that God speaks the deepest when we have spent the time and energy to listen. So that’s my New Year’s goal. I’m going to pray, instead of surfing all kinds of blogs. I’m not going to be more disciplined and try harder; I’m simply going to be more dedicated to Him.
What do you think? How do you hear His voice?
And do you struggle with feeling like you should “try harder”? How do you reconcile that? Let’s get the conversation going before we make those New Year’s Resolutions this weekend!
December 28, 2017
How to Stop Looking Back and Living a Life Full of Marriage Regrets
We spend far too much time either worrying about the future or regretting the past.
Over the last week, other than the two absolutely huge family dinners I cooked for the two sides of our family, I’ve spent a lot of time knitting and relaxing and not thinking a whole lot, but just enjoying being with people.
My daughter Katie and I love knitting and watching silly Hallmark-type movies together. And one that I’ve seen is an older one–Back When We Were Grownups.
This was not a perfect movie, and it wasn’t five stars by any stretch. But I did enjoy it, and it raised so many issues about relationships that I think I’m going to have to read the book
now
Anyway, I want to talk about a few things the movie brought up. Here’s the gist of the story: a woman, now in her mid-50s, is dissatisfied with her life. She’s not sure she’s appreciated, and she’s not sure that her life turned out the way it was supposed to. She really doesn’t know who she is anymore.
When she was in her early twenties, she fell madly in love with a man with three daughters whose wife had recently left him. She left the man she had been dating for years, and married this guy. They have another baby girl together, and then he dies in a car accident. She raises his three daughters and their own by herself, keeping his family business going, and caring for her husband’s aging uncle.
She holds everybody together. And then suddently that’s not enough, and she goes in search of the woman she once was: intellectual, steady, and serious. She looks up the man she used to date, and tries hard to make that relationship work. But in the process she realizes that you can’t go back, because she really isn’t that person anymore. And she likes who she is now much better.
Her life is full of chaos; she has pictures of all the grandchildren and step-grandchildren on her fridge, along with family friends, including her handyman. She knows everything about everybody’s life, and is always helping. Her photo albums are stuffed full. She loves caring for the grandchildren and embracing her daughters’ new husbands. The phone rings off the hook.
And this man that she once knew leads the opposite life. Everything is controlled and planned. Everything is orderly. She tries to be like that, but she can’t. And in the end, she finds her way home.
It really is a lovely story, and there’s so much that touched me.
But the one theme that it brought out is that you can’t go back–and perhaps you shouldn’t.
We often dream of what might have been, and this woman had every reason to dream. Her husband had died when he was so young that she’d never had much love in her life. She’s had to raise three children that weren’t hers, and care for a business and aging relatives that weren’t hers either. Imagine if she had not had to take on all these responsibilities at so young an age!
Many of us feel that way at times, don’t we? That we should have been someone else. She can look back and see what a promising student she was, but she left that behind for her husband. Maybe you can look back on a career you once had, or an education you once enjoyed, and wonder where you would be now if you had pursued them.
But the movie provides a stark contrast: she likely would have ended up like the control freak she had once dated, and that isn’t who she is, either. She loves all the people around her. She loves that they count on her, even if the whole lot of them is completely dysfunctional. And she has changed because they have changed her, and that is a good thing.
Can we accept the choices we've made and who we've become--or will we always regret the past?Click To Tweet
Ultimately the life we choose for ourselves becomes our life.
That is who we are now. It shapes you. I am a different person because of who I married. I am far more secure, far more outgoing, far more relaxed, and far more go with the flow because of Keith and his big, loud family. If I had married into a staid, upper class family, I likely would be far more uptight and far more worried about etiquette, and china, and what fork one uses at dinner. I had those tendencies when I was young, and I easily could have been pushed in that direction. I used to have season’s tickets to the National Ballet of Canada! But that’s not who I became.
That’s not to say that we’re stuck where we are. The movie certainly doesn’t give that impression, because by the end of it her horizons are opening to her. But they’re opening forward, not backwards. They’re growing on what she’s become, they’re not denying it so that she can become someone different.
Ultimately the life we choose for ourselves becomes our life. You can't go back.Click To Tweet
I think it’s an interesting exercise to think about how our families today, and the choices we’ve made, have shaped us.
When I look back on some of the other men I dated, I can easily see myself being a very different person had I stuck with them. And I am so glad that I’m instead the person I am today.
It’s hard when we’re in the middle of a hectic life and we don’t see much reward to avoid looking backwards and wondering “What If”? Perhaps what God wants us to do, though, is to stop looking back, to forget what lies behind, and to look forward to what He is going to do with the person we are now. We are becoming something very beautiful. Maybe it’s different from what you thought you’d be, but it is beautiful. And the choices we make now will continue to shape ourselves. I’d just encourage you, as the new year approaches, to make the choices that give you deep relationships and a meaningful life.
Don’t look back. Just look forward. And in the end, we’ll find real joy.
December 27, 2017
Top 10 Marriage Posts for 2017
Yesterday I shared my Top 10 Top 10 Tuesday posts from 2017 (that’s quite a mouthful!). My Top 10 Tuesdays tend to be my biggest days, so I shared with you the ones that did the best.
Today I thought I’d share the top 10 posts OVERALL on the blog–both the top 10 that were written this year, and the top 10 for traffic in total (since they aren’t always the same thing!). So here we go!
Top 10 Posts Written in 2017:
1. Top 10 Ways to Satisfy Your Husband in Bed
2. How Do I Have Sex with My Husband with a Big Belly?
3. 12 Ways to Help Christian Men Overcome Lust
(Technically this could have been a top 10 Tuesday, but it was on a Thursday. And it was 12.
December 26, 2017
Best of Top 10 Tuesdays for 2017
And so, as I wind down for the year, I’ve been thinking back on all of the things that I’ve written over the last 12 months. And my Top 10 Tuesday posts always seem to be some of peoples’ favorites! So today as I go offline to play board games with my family, I thought I’d leave you with the Top 10 Top 10 Tuesday posts in case you missed any of them!
Here we go!
Top 10 Ways to Satisfy Your Husband in Bed
(I bet a lot of husbands are happy to see this in the top 10!)
10 Reasons We Need to Stop Romanticizing the Amish
10 Ways to Talk so Your Husband Will Hear
10 Things that Surprised Us as Christian Sex Bloggers
10 Things Worth Learning from 13 Reasons Why
Top 10 Unpopular Truths Your Teenage Son Needs to Know
10 Things You Shouldn’t Share with Your Spouse
10 Things You SHOULD Share with Your Daughter Who is About to Get Married
10 Shoulds We Need to Banish from the Bedroom
Top 10 Reasons Sex Gets Boring
So there you have it! The best Top 10 Tuesday posts from the blog this year!
Do you have a favorite post that wasn’t included here? Let me know which one it was in the comments–it’ll help me decide what to write more of in the new year!
December 22, 2017
When Christmas Isn’t Joyful
Marriages go through rough patches, people get sick, and when you’ve suffered loss in your family, Christmas can bring that all back like nothing else.
Today I have Samantha Duncan on the blog, who is actually one of the women who works on the blog in the newsletter department. Today’s post isn’t like our regular posts, but we wanted to bring some encouragement to other families who may be trying to balance the joy of Christmas with the grief of loss that comes with the holidays.
If Christmas isn’t always joyful for you, know you’re not alone. And God is in the sadness, too.
Here’s Sam:
When I think of Christmas, I think of twinkling lights and carols and family.
For a lot of people, family is a big part of Christmas and it is for me too, except my family used to be a lot bigger.
Christmas 2007 changed my family forever. I was 15. It was a wonderful time–there were lots of gifts, and laughter when my brother couldn’t figure out how to put a toy work station together, or when he decided he was going to wrap our sister’s gift in his backpack because I wouldn’t wrap it properly for him.
This was also when he really challenged my faith. I was the only Christian in my family, and he couldn’t understand why I believed. I have never been good at defending myself, so I ran upstairs to my room in tears when he was debating me. About a half hour later, my brother apologized for upsetting me and then told me how proud he was that I stuck to my faith when I was the only one in the family who was Christian. And he told me just how proud he was of me and that he was glad that I was his sister. The next day he said goodbye to his three siblings and gave us what he called a “chin hug,” which was when he hugged you and he hooked his chin over your shoulder to draw you in closer.
That was the last time I saw my brother Scott.
He passed away December 30th, 2007 in a diabetic coma. He was alone, his blood sugar had spiked, and he wasn’t able to get his insulin in time. He was only 27 years old.
Christmas would never be the same for my family ever again, especially for my mom.
Fast forward a few years to 2014. That was a year of ups and downs for my family. A few months before my wedding, my eldest brother found out he had bone cancer. He was hospitalized almost immediately. He was able to make it my wedding, which was a huge blessing, but he was in a wheelchair the whole time and spent most of it inside the house since he couldn’t get down to the backyard and it was too hot for him to be outside.
Samantha’s sister, Carolyn, with their brother, Chris
My brother is an inspiration to me. He was such a trooper through everything. He was so positive and the nurses who took care of him absolutely loved him because of his attitude and his character.
Every moment he could, he chose to have fun–even scaring the daylights out of a nurse when he had to wear a special mask that he said reminded him of Jason (the horror movie character). Then when he would get back from surgery where another part of his bone had been replaced by metal, he would tell everyone he was just that much closer to becoming Wolverine.
When we got the news they had found cancer in his lungs and that he wouldn’t survive past Christmas, my sister came back from Australia where she lives and she threw our brother a party where all of our family and his friends could come and celebrate his life with him and, realistically, say goodbye. I cannot express how much love my brother and our family was shown that day.
Christmas came and went and my brother held on. And Chris held on to see his 37th birthday in March and then passed away on March 21st, 2015.
Christmas brings up sorrow in its own unique way.
Samantha and her daughter Madelyn
Losing both of my brothers has changed the Christmas season for my family. We lost Scott just days after Christmas ten years ago, and then we also lost Chris. Our family now has a giant hole that will never be filled. The year after Scott passed was when I started dating my husband and it hurts knowing how well they would have gotten along. And this October I gave birth to our first child. My daughter will never get to meet her uncles and my heart is breaking again as I write this. My brothers would have adored their niece so much and she would have loved them. Knowing this is what makes this Christmas so hard.
And I know I’m not the only one with a heavy heart this Christmas season. There are so many people who are hurting. But amidst the pain, know that you are not alone–it’s okay to be sad. Our family has had to learn to find joy where we can, even if it’s just in watching the snow fall, or hearing the story of Jesus’ birth. And don’t be afraid to let people come alongside you. Let them help you carry the weight of your hurt because it’s hard to carry alone.
Matthew 5:4 says “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.”
Is there anyone in your life you can remind this holiday season of how much they are loved?
It might just be the best gift they could receive this year.
December 21, 2017
Wedding Night Disasters: It Does Get Better!
Did you have a wedding night disaster?Today is my 26th anniversary! We’re celebrating our anniversary in Kingston, which is the city where we first met and where we married (and about an hour away from where we live). Usually on our anniversary I write something sweet and sappy, because I really do love my husband. But I thought that this year I’d do something different, and talk about what our night was like 26 years ago.
I shared a lot about our spectacularly awful wedding night in my book, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex. In writing it, I conducted a bunch of surveys, which many of you participated in (thank you!). And one thing I found was that, for most people, sex wasn’t that great early in the marriage. It gets better with time, trust–and practice!
In fact, my absolutely awful wedding night was really the main reason that I wrote the book. And I explain why in this excerpt:
Less than 20% of women have amazing sex on their wedding night. There's too much pressure!Click To Tweet
A few weeks before my wedding, I bought a bestselling Christian sex book. I read it cover to cover while sitting in the bathtub. (That’s where I get most of my reading done. It’s just a little dangerous when I’m reading library books.) Instead of helping me feel confident about my wedding night, it left me a nervous wreck. And a little angry besides.
First, it was all about the mechanics of sex. The book’s focus was on making sure that you, the woman, had an orgasm on your very first sexual encounter. It went through everything you were supposed to do and everything he was supposed to do in explicit detail, complete with a time schedule. After reading and raging at the book, I drowned it. I stuffed it under the water and held it there until it died, and then I unceremoniously dumped it in the garbage.
Let me try to explain why I felt so homicidal toward a book. I didn’t like feeling as if my every action was prescribed. I didn’t want sex to feel choreographed. I didn’t want to feel like there was a right way to do things. But perhaps most importantly, I didn’t want the night to be so stressful that it could be measured based on whether I had “succeeded.” What if I simply wanted to get comfortable with my husband and have fun exploring rather than trying to force my body to do something?
Given that that particular book sold hundreds of thousands of copies, I’m sure it helped many women enjoy their wedding nights. But there is a trend in Christian thinking that goes something like this: the wedding night is the big night you’ve been waiting for your whole life, so you had better do absolutely everything right or you will ruin it.
A lot of pressure, isn’t it?
Perhaps I’m being a party pooper. Perhaps that book is right, and we all should be aiming for physical bliss. So I decided to test my own hypothesis. I took a survey of married Christian women, some of whom had waited for the wedding to be sexually active and some of whom had made love before, and I asked them to rate the sex on their wedding night.
I discovered that despite selling so many copies, its message hadn’t succeeded in making wedding nights more explosive. Of the women in my survey who had been virgins when they were married, only fifteen percent reached orgasm on their wedding night through intercourse. Another seventeen percent reached it another way (we’ll talk about that later), but sixty-eight percent didn’t experience an orgasm at all. In fact, even among those who weren’t virgins, in no category did over 50 percent of women reach orgasm through intercourse on the night they were married. It simply isn’t that common.
Here’s the way I see it: fireworks are great. Everyone wants fireworks. But the point of the wedding night is that it’s a wedding night. It’s about the marriage. The bliss is that you’re now together in every way. So you can now explore, have fun, and discover all on your own time. For some people, that’s going to mean fireworks right off the bat. For others it may take longer. But it doesn’t matter, because now you’re finally married, and you have decades to get it right!
Remember those 85 percent of virgins who did not have an orgasm through intercourse on their wedding night? Today 63 percent of those women usually or always do, and another 13 percent sometimes do. They got better with time.
(Have you read The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex yet? Check it out here!)
I think that’s good news! And so maybe one of the best things that we could do is to stop all this pressure about the wedding night and start saying something more like:
The wedding night is wonderful because it’s the beginning of a journey together.
That journey is awesome! But let’s celebrate the journey, rather than expecting the arrival all at once. Perhaps that would calm down a lot of nervous brides! Maybe you’re in the 15-20% of women who had amazing wedding nights, where not only did the earth move, but rocks split, trees fell down, and mountains shook. You know what I mean. But for another 20%, they didn’t even have sex (either because they were too tired or too scared or had their period). And the other 60%? It seriously was nothing to write home about.
But follow all those people, and in 10 years, the bottom 20% and the top 20% are in roughly the same place. It doesn’t matter where you start. Things get better once you relax and know each other well!
Personally, I had a horrible wedding night. I was so stressed to do everything right that I totally tensed up. And I felt like a total failure.
I would have been much better off if the wedding night hadn’t been such a big deal.
Do we talk UP the wedding night too much? Let's take the pressure off! It gets better!Click To Tweet
Now some people may argue, “well, the wedding night wouldn’t be such a big deal if you Christians didn’t insist on saving sex until marriage“, but that’s not the issue. Sex is best when you’re married, and God said that’s where it belongs. So that’s non-negotiable. And incidentally, even those who weren’t virgins didn’t tend to have great wedding nights. Whether you were a virgin or not really didn’t impact how good the wedding night was. Sex changes after we’re married; and there’s so much pressure on that night that it can be overwhelming.
That’s why the problem with the wedding night isn’t that we’re virgins; the problem is that there’s too much pressure!
So I want this post to serve as a pressure valve to engaged women. Don’t worry about it too much, and you’ll have much more fun!
Now some of you likely had great nights, and more power to you. But I don’t think that’s the norm. Many of us prepare with the bridal lingerie, and the dreams, and the bridal suite, but it doesn’t turn out like we had planned.
When I wrote The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, I wanted to write the kind of book I would have liked to receive, that wouldn’t have put pressure on me (virgin or non-virgin!). And I hope I succeeded.
And I’ve shared some of those pointers, too, in this post on wedding night tips!
But in the meantime, I’m sitting here, 26 years to the day that I was married, and while I still mourn a little bit for that scared girl, I’m so grateful that things really do get better with time!
So let’s start changing this conversation! Let’s stop talking “up” the wedding night so much, and instead start talking “up” the journey that the couple will start. The night doesn’t have to be amazing fireworks; just being together is wonderful. And things will keep getting better!
Did you have an awful wedding night, or a great one? Let’s talk about it in the comments! (And if you had an awful one, please share! For such a long time I thought I was the only one who “failed” on her wedding night. Let’s change that conversation!)
December 20, 2017
Wifey Wednesday: My Marriage in Just 6 Words!
The challenge is based on this book. I thought today, for Wifey Wednesday, I’d issue that challenge to you!
Tomorrow is my anniversary, and Keith and I are heading to Kingston to spend the night and the next day, since that’s where we met and married. And it got me thinking about what life was like back then, and what it is now.
Harold wrote this about his marriage:
“Myopic start succumbed to purposeful pursuit”
I tried, and came up with this:
“Everyday learn it’s not about me.”
I suppose that’s true, but I don’t really like it. It makes it sound like marriage is a downer. And while I’m not at the centre of the marriage, I still am there. That one sounds a little to Christianese to me, and I don’t like pat answers.
So I tried again, and got this:
“Chased God. Then chased each other.”
I kind of like that one. See, when Keith and I first met we were just simply good friends. For about a year and a half we knew each other, but nothing romantic happened. We did a lot of Bible study together. We talked theology and spiritual stuff galore. And in getting to know his spiritual side I really became attracted to him as a whole person. That’s when we started dating.
And yes, then we chased each other.
But in marriage it wasn’t always a happy chase.
Our first few years were tough, and if I picture it now, it’s more like chasing like this:
We’re trying to rope him in, get him to do what we need, get him to change.
And he’s doing the same thing on his end.
I’ve written in all of my books, but especially 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, about how hard the first few years were when I was trying to get Keith to understand me, but at the same time not realizing that I was failing to understand him. I still loved him, but it often felt like there was this great chasm between us. I’d chase him, but hit an obstacle and couldn’t quite catch him.
We would reach for each other at different times, but we couldn’t quite get there.
And the journey was perilous. If we ever brought up our needs, or tried to bring the other closer, we’d feel like we were falling and losing everything.
The problem was that we felt like there was nothing solid between us.
Individually we were on solid ground. We certainly loved God, and we still knew we loved each other. But our relationship wasn’t on solid ground because we could only see our own perspective.
I knew I was a good person, and I knew my needs were legitimate. I also knew that Keith was a good person, and that his needs were legitimate. But we just couldn’t meet in the middle, because we couldn’t give up our needs. How can you do that? Your needs are your needs, right? Are you supposed to say they didn’t matter?
What I was missing was that piece in the middle.
I needed to understand that I wasn’t seeing the whole picture. In my case, sex was really difficult and awkward and uncomfortable. And he needed it all the time. That’s how he felt love. I understood that this was real for him, but why did I have to feel so awkward for him to feel love? How could that even be true or fair?
It was only when I took a step back and realized, “If God made sex to be something wonderful, and it isn’t wonderful in my case, then maybe I need to figure out how to make it wonderful.” I had to step back from my own feelings and turn to the truth I knew that was real. God loved me. God made marriage. God made sex. Why would I want to miss out on that? (I wrote more about that mental journey and changing my perspective on sex).
Our marriage has gone through other challenges. Keith has spent a lot of time chasing me, trying to get me to see that sometimes he’s hurting, and I find it hard to hear that. To me, if he’s hurting, then I’m doing something wrong. I don’t like thinking I’m in the wrong. And if he’s hurting he may leave. And I have rejection issues. So what I’ll do instead is try to convince him that he has no reason to be hurt!
Yeah, like that works.
Again, what was missing was that piece between us–that God piece where God comes and heals some of the insecurities Keith has, and also heals some of that rejection I have, so that Keith doesn’t react so badly to things, but I also don’t view each problem as a possible rejection.
We chased each other out of desperation so much early in our marriage, but we couldn’t quite catch each other.
And that’s because we didn’t have that solid God-piece between us–that piece where Truth reigns, where we believe God’s promises, where we allow God to heal even the deepest parts of our souls.
And today, 26 years in, we’ve allowed God to occupy that chasm between us much more. He hasn’t totally filled it yet; I think that can only happen in Paradise. But now, when we chase each other, it’s not because we’re desperate to have the other person fill something in us.
It’s because we’re happy, and we’re doing well, and life is exciting and we want to run alongside each other, like this (although they’re young and we’re old!)
So here we are.
We chased God, and then we chased each other.
My marriage in 6 words: Chased God. Then chased each other. What's yours?Click To Tweet
And I’m glad we caught each other, too.
What’s your marriage in 6 words? Leave it in the comments!
And I’ll choose a random winner on Boxing Day to get a library of my downloadable marriage resources, worth $50. (You’ll get to choose which ones if you win!)
Does Your Sex Life Need a Pick-Me-Up?
Maybe it's gotten stale. Maybe it's never felt that great. Or maybe you just feel like you're missing something!December 19, 2017
10 Ways to Laugh with Extended Family this Christmas
When I was younger I loved Christmas. It brought family, which meant having other children to play with and to sleep over–it was the best part of my year.
Unfortunately, my grandparents were both a little senile, so we children couldn’t be raucous all day. We had to be calm and subdued over the dinner table, during which my grandfather would recite all the recent plot lines from Matlock (which he thought was actually a documentary). So we children ate silently while we learned how Matlock pulled yet another trick out of his hat.
Later, though, we would play family board games, and take hikes, and bake sticky, sweet things. We would choreograph dances and write plays and perform them, forcing our parents to sit through yet another performance with no actual plot and no discernible ending. But they watched, because that’s what family did.
Do families today know how to actually have fun together?
We recently watched the movie Dan in Real Life, which is quite cute. The part of the movie I found so heartwarming, though, wasn’t actually the love story; it was all the activity in the background. It was real life family.
Do you and your family have real fun together? Here are 10 ways to laugh together this Christmas!Click To Tweet
The bulk of the action centers on a family reunion at a rambling old farmhouse. The grandparents, the four adult children with their significant others, and countless grand-kids are stuffed in this house, forming a bustling, crowded mass of humanity.
But what’s so charming movie is what they do. No televisions or computers are anywhere to be seen. Instead, the family actually does stuff together. Weird stuff, mind you, but they’re laughing together all the while. There’s a contest between the males and the females to see which gender can finish the newspaper crossword. They play charades, touch football, and hide and seek—even the adults. They jump around aerobically first thing in the morning, and produce a talent show. The grandma teaches the younger girls to knit.
For many of us Christmas is our only family reunion.
It’s the only time of year the extended family is together. And if we spend that time watching television or playing the latest video game, we’re squandering the opportunity to create fun memories where we all just plain silly together.
I once attended a Christmas party at a friend’s house that was enough to snatch all the festive spirit from one forever. The only activities planned seemed to be drinking beer. Everyone was bored silly, even those who were partaking. The fifty or sixty people inside the home didn’t know each other, so natural conversation didn’t flow well.
And then, in desperation, I started suggesting games. We played euchre; we played charades; the room came alive. My husband wanted to bury his head in the snow in mortification because I was taking over the party, but that is what I do when I am desperate. And once I took the lead, many others followed, so we could sneak out early.
I think we have forgotten how to have fun.
The screen has replaced so much of our lives that we never actually just spend time together laughing and playing. And that’s a shame, because it’s only when we’re doing things together—rather than watching things together—that we can really share our personalities, our hearts, and form closer bonds. The message of Christmas is all about God bridging the gap so that he could have a relationship with us. And whether or not you celebrate that message, surely the idea of Christmas being a relationship-building time resonates with everyone.
So I’m warning my family: this year we are going to play charades, even if it kills us. I want to bring laughter back to our family, so here are 10 ways that you and your family can laugh together and have fun this Christmas!
1. Tell stories
Get people talking by putting prompts in a box or by going around the table and having everyone answer a question. What was the best thing that happened to you this year? What was your favorite memory with someone at this table? What was the weirdest thing that happened to you this year? See what answers people have!
2. Bring board games
If you’re looking for family board games, I have a post that lists some great board games to try this year!
Tired of boring Christmas dinners? Here are 10 ways to make your family reunion FUN this year!Click To Tweet
3. Get people moving
Are you an active family? Why not whip out one of those 80s aerobics video you know that one aunt has hidden in her basement and do one as a family?
4. Add an element of competition
Get out a trivia game or even a Sudoku puzzle or word search and see which team can get it first! Split it up boys versus girls, or kids versus adults–but the losing side has to clean up after dinner!
5. Let the kids put on a talent show
Have a bunch of kids in the family? Send them downstairs to get into costumes and put together “acts” and have them put on a talent show for the adults sometime during the visit! You may be surprised how talented your family members are, and if you’re not–well, it’ll at least be a memory.
6. Play charades
You really can’t go wrong with this one. You’re up and moving, adrenaline is pumping, and if you keep it simple it’s easy enough even for kids to play!
If this isn’t enough of a challenge for your family, my daughter and son-in-law’s friend group take this up a notch by having each team write the other’s cards–and they don’t make it easy. You try miming “bucking bronco,” “diplomatic immunity” or “creative juices” without having everyone roaring with laughter.
7. Have a card game tournament
You really don’t know someone until you’ve seen them get stuck with the Queen of Spades 5 rounds of hearts in a row. Choose a card game that you all know how to play or is easy to learn and get a tournament going!
8. Break out the cringe-worthy home videos and pictures
Take a trip down memory lane–even if it makes you cringe at the awkwardness. My family recently found videos that my kids made with their cousins in Jr. High and they definitely made us all laugh! But the best part about looking through videos and pictures is that everyone inevitably starts reminiscing about those times. You may hear some stories you’ve never heard before!
It's time to bring LAUGHTER back to family! Here are 10 ways to laugh together this Christmas:Click To Tweet
9. Go outside
We get so stuck indoors in the winter! So get the family outside! Go cross-country skiing, or take a hike on a trail near your house. Maybe even have a snowball fight, or a snowman-making competition!
10. Try Timed Challenges
These can be a ton of fun. Split up into teams of 4 or 5 and see who can make the tallest tower, or the best cathedral using only marshmallows and toothpicks before the clock runs out! Or google some minute-to-win-it challenges and have family members go head-to-head–keep a tally to see who is the ultimate champion.
It’s time to bring laughter back into our families. What are some of your favourite ways to laugh with your family? Let us know in the comments below!
