Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 118

Reader Question: How Do I Handle Christmas When Some Family Members Won’t Talk to Me?

Celebrating Christmas, when you are estranged from important people in your life, is very hard.

I have a dear friend who is currently not speaking to siblings. The rift was their decision, not hers, taken because she stood up for something on principle (and she was in the right). She did not want to lose the relationship over it, but their family demands complete lockstep conformity or they see it as disloyal. They don’t like legitimate boundaries, which she was attempting to practice. And so now she is banished, and she misses them very much.

Christmas is just so sad when people you love won’t speak to you!

Recently I received this question from a reader:

Since I was 18 years old, I have been setting boundaries with my own mother. Now, in my 40s, I am still setting boundaries with her- she is in her 80s. I was the baby of 4, unexpected, and after my father abandoned the family I became the surrogate spouse.

I am several years into my second marriage. He is wonderful to me and loves my children as his own. Shortly after I began dating my husband, my mother became paranoid. She would warn me, saying he was not a good man, trustworthy, and when that didn’t work, she accused him of being rude and hating her. She wouldn’t even be around him. I discussed this with my siblings who all agree that my mother was wrong.

I prayed and know God put my husband and I together. My mother didn’t come to the wedding and still refuses to acknowledge him. I continued to try to reason with her and asked for counseling (our pastor supports me drawing boundaries with her). My mother lives within 30 minutes of me, yet I haven’t been to see her in over a year, and this has been going on for four years.

My family still gathers in my mother’s home for Thanksgiving and Christmas. Every holiday season I fight depression and despair from missing my family, but not just because of my mother. My siblings have not stood in the gap for me. I swing back and forth from sadness to anger. Am I expecting too much for my family to stand for what is right? 

Sheila, I have friends that tell me I should go see my mother. They tell me I should not be consumed with what is right and that I will regret my decision if she passes without reconciling. I continue to pray and ask God what I should do. My husband has given me the go ahead, if I want to go see my mother and family. I have closed my eyes and imagined the scenario. I know I would not be able to contain myself. I would probably cause a scene, much like what Jesus did in the temple- tables with turkey and dressing turned over, cranberry sauce strewn everywhere, and me crying in an unintelligible fit of fury! I do not understand why or what justification my mother and siblings have for being unwelcoming of my husband.

So here I am, asking myself, is it worth it? 

Wow, that’s so sad!

First, a few things.

Sometimes family members’ wariness about our husband is right.

I have known so many women who jumped into marriage with a bad guy, when parents and siblings were all telling them that he was bad, but they wouldn’t listen. And then the woman has cut off contact with the family because they won’t support the husband, who all the while is really quite abusive.

So I want to throw that warning out there–sometimes your family’s disapproval is rooted in truth and genuine fear for your safety and well-being.

That being said, I don’t think that is true in this case. When it is true, it’s the husband who tends to want to cut you off from your family, and it’s the family who wants to keep seeing you so that they can keep having influence and keep trying to protect you. In this case, the situation is reversed. In general, I’d say that if you’re married to a man who refuses to let you see your family, that’s often a huge red flag, but in her case, it seems as if the problem really is with the mother (especially since her friends, siblings, and pastor all agree that her husband is safe).

Sometimes, though, our family is just plain crazy, and we need to mourn that.

It sounds like this woman has a crazy family. They are not what she wants them to be. And the reason is this:

In dysfunctional families, loyalty matters more than truth.

In families where parents are parenting out of shame rather than out of sacrificial love, the worst thing you can do is to voice the fact that the family isn’t perfect or that Mom or Dad are doing things that are wrong (or, in my own friends’ case, her siblings). In shame based families, everybody believing that everybody else is perfect is the only option.

In healthy families, people admit mistakes and openly talk about their failings. In shame based families they do not. Everybody must pretend that things are perfect. What this woman is doing, then, is upsetting the apple cart. Her siblings actually agree with her. Yep. Mom is totally nuts. But they’re not willing to stand up for her because they are still trapped in this shame cycle. They can’t go against Mom because then they will lose Mom and they will lose everything the family is. And so they keep trying to keep the peace, and not to rock the boat.

Her siblings’ lack of support is not a reflection on how they feel about her; it is a reflection of their own pain.

I so hope that this woman can understand this: If your siblings have not worked through the wounds in their childhood, then they will have a very difficult time going against Mom. Here’s why: As a child, our most basic need is for our mother’s love and approval. She is the primary person in our life. And early on, we can learn that she only approves of us if we don’t rock the boat and if we agree that everything is perfect (even when it’s not). That means that we never, as a child, truly experienced the acceptance and love we so desperately needed, because Mom only accepted us if we covered up what we truly thought. We can never truly be ourselves and still have Mom love us. That leaves us with a huge unmet need. And until that need is met, we will continue to seek it. It will be one of our #1 emotional motivators, even if we are completely oblivious to the fact. To go against Mom means giving up the possibility of meeting this need.

Now, if one realizes what is happening and turns to God to heal that hurt, then we can get out of this cycle. But if we never realize the root of our hurts or unhealthy behaviours, then we’ll still be acting as if we’re that little child, just wanting Mommy to tell us that we’re good enough, just as we are. And that leaves such a huge hole in our psyche that we’ll seek out that approval, even in unhealthy ways (that’s also why many daughters of absent or abusive fathers marry men who are absent or abusive; they’re unconsciously recreating their childhood so they can fix it. It doesn’t work).

Her siblings are likely in this cycle, and no matter how much they love their sister, they can’t go against Mom because she is the primary person whose affection they are still trying to earn.

To our letter writer, I would just say this: It is not that your siblings love your mom more than they do you; it is that in some ways they are likely still emotionally stuck as little children, trying to earn their mother’s approval. They may very well love you more, but emotionally they need her love more. And I hope that helps you feel sympathy for them more than rejection.

When You're Estranged from Family at Christmas: How to build bridges with those you loveClick To Tweet
But now: What do you do? Do you reconcile with your mother?

I honestly don’t know. Like I said to the woman who asked the reader question on Thursday about confronting her husband before Christmas, logic alone can’t always dictate what we should do. That’s when we really need to hear from God, because I do believe it is different in different cases.

I would say this, though: You can still have a one-on-one relationship with your mother and a one-on-one relationship with siblings without going to family events. A family event is one where your husband should be included. If your mother will not include your husband, then you can stay away.

However, if you want to have lunch with your mother every once in a while, you could do that. You could tell her very clearly that if she says anything bad about your husband you will leave, but beyond that you could still talk to her. Personally, I wouldn’t have her in my house if she rejected my spouse, but you could meet on neutral ground.

It’s also okay to be the one to offer the olive branch. My friend who is reeling from her estrangement is thinking of sending Christmas cards to her siblings that say, “Even though I’m not part of your life, I think and pray for you everyday.” That’s her doing the right thing, even if they don’t. And then it’s up to them whether they resume contact.

So, in short, I don’t know what you should do. I don’t know if you should start seeing your mom or not; you’ll have to pray about that. I do think that taking the high road is usually the right course of action. Nevertheless, staying away from family events unless your husband is included sounds like a pretty good boundary to me.

And I’m so, so sorry that you’re going through this at Christmas!

What do the rest of you think? Have any of you been estranged from relatives? And how do you handle that with your children? Let’s talk in the comments!

 

In the Middle of the Mess

When I was a little girl, I sang a song that went like this:

If you’re happy and you know it clap your hands…

If you’re happy and you know it stomp your feet…

If you’re happy and you know it shout Amen…

When my girls were toddlers, we got a Christian video (I think it was The Donut Man? Anyone else remember him?) and it went the same way.

Then I took my kids to a playgroup at a local school, and it changed.

If you’re happy and you know it clap your hands…

If you’re angry and you know it stomp your feet…

If you’re sad and you know it say Boo Hoo….

Wow. You’re allowed to have emotions other than happy? It was one of those wake up calls when I realized how important it was to help my girls identify their emotions and validate them. Being sad, being angry, feeling lonely, feeling apprehensive, none of these things are bad, in and of themselves. If we read Scripture, we see that Jeremiah was despondent; David was lonely and scared; Hannah was forlorn; even Jesus was apprehensive and lonely at the Garden of Gethsemane! And Jesus was definitely angry at the temple, when He drove the money changers out.

Do we understand the importance of ALL our emotions, not just the happy ones? Click To Tweet

Emotions are not bad. Emotions are normal human responses to an imperfect world, and they signal to us that action may need to be taken.  I want to give a few random thoughts about emotions today and try to wrap them up at the end.

I’ve been feeling recently that I don’t spend enough time with friends.

I talk to my girls quite a bit, and I live with my mom, and I’m great friends with my husband, so I have great people to chat with. But they’re all related to me. And I know that’s not healthy.

Keith and I thought that maybe we should join a small group at church this year since our lives have calmed down a bit (we’re not on the road speaking as much this year since we’re planning Katie’s wedding in February). So we tried one in September. But it just wasn’t a fit for us. Then I had this thought: I don’t really need to meet new people. What I need to do is spend time with those I already know and love but don’t have enough time with.

So I decided that I would start my own small group, just of friends. At our first meeting recently, I talked about a book I’d been reading recently, In the Middle of the Mess by Sheila Walsh. One thing Sheila (isn’t that a great name?) asks is if we as Christians too often feel as if there are only a few acceptable emotions to God, and that we have to be joyful and have it all together or else He’s upset.

I latched on to this, and I was talking about it with my friends, when one of them turned to me and said, “Do you always feel like God is disappointed in you?” Why, yes, I said. I thought everyone did. Turns out they don’t. My friends didn’t. But I did. So we started thinking about why. And I think it comes back to not really feeling, at heart, that I am good enough, which is likely a legacy of my parents’ divorce and my father’s abandonment. Some wounds are deep and stay with us, even when (as I learned when my father died in October) most of the inter-personal healing is done.

Do you truly know that God is with you, even in the middle of the mess?Click To Tweet
I do often feel like God is disappointed in me. Where does that stem from?

I found that Sheila Walsh explained it so well in her book, and I want to share a few excerpts with you to see if it resonates with you, too.

Sheila’s story is quite an amazing one. She was working hard for God. She was hosting a big Christian TV show. But inside she was falling apart, unable to maintain this happy face when she had such sadness and doubt. And so she had a nervous breakdown on live TV, and ended up in a psych ward for a few months afterwards. She finally was able to confront some deep wounds from her childhood (she believed that she was responsible for her father’s suicide, which occurred when she was 5). And in her healing journey, what she’s found is that she spent most of her life trying to do what she thought God wanted her to do, rather than trying to be honest before God.

She writes:

For years I’ve kept a journal beside my Bible so that I may write down anything that I feel the Holy Spirit is saying about the text that day. Recently I looked at things I’d written in the past, and it was eye-opening. I was as truthful as I knew how to be when I wrote those words, but I question some of those insights now. Being raised in an extremely conservative church since I was a child, my knee-jerk response to most of life was to say the right thing, whether or not it felt true at the moment.

I wrote recently about an insight I had about forgiveness.

We often think that we need to forgive in order to be healed. But what if the order is the other way around? What if as we’re healed, we’re able to forgive?

And how does healing happen? We’re honest before God, we see God in the middle of the mess, we feel and learn truths about God, and then the healing comes.

Here’s what often happens when we read Scripture:

We see Paul talking about how joyful he is in the midst of trials;
So we feel that God wants us to be joyful in the midst of trials.
Therefore, if we’re not joyful in the midst of trials, God must be mad at us.

But what if God’s joy is the result of encountering God, not the precursor to encountering God? What if we have the order all wrong?

Yes, God allows us to be joyful in the midst of trials. But that only happens once we encounter Him, and we can’t encounter Him without honesty. It’s okay to let our guard down. God doesn’t want us to ignore our pain or paper over it super fast so that we’re still a good witness. God wants us to experience Jesus in the middle of the pain.

Isn’t that freeing?

I’ve especially been ruminating on these paragraphs from the book. After the death of her mother, Sheila wrote about a miserable encounter she had on Facebook:

Comment after comment streamed through my feed, but the one that bothered me most came from a woman who wrote, “Just think how God is going to use this next part of your story for His glory, Hallelujah. Our pain is His purpose.” It read like the worst kind of bumper sticker. I wondered if she’d ever had any pain. I wondered if she had thought about what it would feel like to receive that advice if she had been the one to lose a dear family member. That’s when I recalled some advice from my friend, Barbara Johnson: “When the pain is the freshest, the words should be the fewest.” A woman left a heartbreaking response below the commenter’s bumper-sticker comment. She said that she had just lost a son and didn’t want God’s purpose. Instead, she wanted her boy back.

Looking at those comments, I thought back to the lies I believed from childhood and how they impacted my relationship with God and others. I spent so much of my life trying to bury the grief in appropriate Christian platitudes—Our pain is His purpose!—or squeeze it into a mold that resembled something hopeful or some testimony of resurrection. But burying the grief in good Christian slogans is only an avoidance tactic, and avoiding the truth is still a lie. Lies can cripple even the strongest legs.

If you’re struggling today with that idea that “your pain has a purpose”, I invite you to read In the Middle of the Mess. Meet the Jesus who wants to meet with you, even in the midst of your pain. No more happy faces all the time. No more avoidances.

Just the real you.

 

Reader Question: Do I Confront My Husband Now, or Wait Until After Christmas?

What do you do if you find out something bad about your husband, but you don’t want to ruin Christmas for your kids?

Sometimes the questions I get are really sad. And this week one came in that was heartbreaking. A woman writes:

I’ve come to a sort of peace that I do my best and can’t force my husband to address things if he refuses to. Cyclical porn relapses, general unreliability, and the fact that he does not actively seek work despite the ongoing lack of income from his self-employment (I’ve been the main breadwinner for almost 2 years now) . But I’ve thankfully reached a level of stability where I can keep on keeping on until either God gets through to him (he won’t go to counseling) or he leaves us.

But now, in a phone that my husband gave me that was previously his, I’ve found some month-old messages between him and a woman. There are a  few instances of her asking to borrow small amounts of money, and terms of endearment and sentiments are exchanged that should be  reserved for girlfriends or wives. 

I understand that this isn’t right and I need to talk to my husband to determine what is going on and how it needs to be addressed. But it’s almost Christmas, and I feel really sickened at the thought of confronting him and possibly having to deal with the fallout at this time of year. I just want my kids to have this family time first.

Based on past reactions to other issues I’ve had to talk to him about (porn, sleazy massage shop visits, etc), I would guess his reaction is going to oscillate between over-the-top rehearsed remorse, threats of leaving me based on him “not being good enough for me”, and accusations that anything wrong that he does is because I won’t let the past go (meaning, I’m not allowed to bring up any other issues from the past because he views each issue as entirely isolated from each other and not part of his actual character on display).

With all that as possible responses, am I wrong to just wait a few weeks and let my kids have their holiday fun without all the potential tension and threats that affect the entire household? I think I can manage it, but I need a second opinion.

Such a hard situation to be in! I’m so sorry. Let’s try to think this through.

Logic alone can’t dictate what you should do.

Looking at this scenario as she’s laid it out, I’d say that she’s been putting up with a whole lot for a long time, and this one action doesn’t seem to be anything really out of the ordinary. I have a family member who told her son she was leaving his dad on the son’s birthday. Think about how that affects every other birthday that son has for the rest of his life. His birthday is now tied up forevermore in the divorce. I can totally understand not wanting Christmas to be associated with that.

At the same time, in situations like this, I don’t think logic is always the answer. Human relationships are messy things, and God is working behind the scenes. I think the real question is, “when does God want you to say something?”

Like Ecclesiastes 3:7 says, there is a “time to be silent and a time to speak.”

But I don’t know what that time is in this particular case. And I don’t think it’s always the same for everyone; if it were, we wouldn’t need God. We could just logic and reason our way through everything, because there would be set rules to follow. But there aren’t.

So I guess I’d say: Pray, and pray hard. Get some friends around you who are also praying. Journal and listen. And see what God is prompting you to do. It’s not always easy to tell, but I’ve had times when I’ve felt a definite release to do something, and I pray that you’ll feel that, too.

When you discover something bad about your husband, but you don't want to ruin Christmas: Click To Tweet
Whatever you do, use this time wisely

Get your financial affairs in order. Seek out a counsellor. Talk to one or two mentors and fully inform them of what’s going on so that they can be there to support you when you do talk to him. And, of course, pray a ton.

Your marriage has a serious problem that will not get better until he realizes what he is doing.

You are right–he has a character issue that he is not addressing. He is asking you to respect and trust him when he has done absolutely nothing to warrant that trust (and how can you respect someone when you can’t trust them?) What he is saying to you is unreasonable and wrong and manipulative.

At some point, the question has to be: are you willing to live with him, exactly as he is, for the rest of your marriage? Or do you want to do something about this? Because he is very unlikely to change absent some need to, and quite frankly he has no real need to right now.

To go along with that, there are three questions that have to be answered:

What does God want for my husband?
What does God want for my kids?
What does God want for me?

God’s will for your husband is that he be transformed into the likeness of Jesus (Romans 8:29). The way that we tend to learn and change is by reaping what we are sowing (Galatians 6:7). If, instead, you enable your husband to act horribly but never really bear the consequences for his actions, he likely will never change, and the behaviour will likely get worse.

God’s will for your children is more difficult to ascertain. It is certainly true that children fare better growing up in a home with two married biological parents, even if those parents are unhappy, than if the parents divorce (according to large scale studies by Judith Wallerstein). However, that may be true in the broad sense; it is not necessarily true for each individual child. And besides that, the studies also show that children of high conflict marriages and abusive marriages do better if those marriages are ended. Living with a narcissistic parent can also be highly damaging! So all of these things have to be carefully prayed over.

And finally, for you. God’s will for you is to live in truth–not covering things up and being honest about what’s going on, but also being honest with what we’re feeling. Perhaps God has done an incredibly mighty work in you and you are incredibly strong. But I would think that this situation hurts a great deal. And you may be trying to hold everything together so that you can keep going. I don’t think that’s sustainable.

I guess what I’d say is that it’s okay to be really sad. It’s okay to feel betrayed. It’s okay to feel lonely, to feel rejected, and to feel abandoned. Those are natural human emotions. God does not ask us to cover over our emotions and be joyful; he asks us instead to be honest about the emotions and, in midst of the mess, to find Him. We don’t have to work everything out first and put on a happy face. We’re allowed to be devastated.

I’ll be talking more about that tomorrow, but I just want to reassure you right now: I am truly, truly sorry. And not just for this woman, but for all the comments I receive from people who are married to spouses who are ever so selfish and cruel. This is not what God ever intended for you. And I hope that, in the midst of this Christmas season, you’ll encounter a God who came down from heaven to enter our mess. He understands, He cares, and I pray that He will guide you to what you should do next.

And if you’re looking for a resource to help you, 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage goes in to how to live in truth in your marriage, especially thoughts 5-7. If you need clarification on how to talk about issues, and what to do if your husband refuses to admit there’s a problem, I think that book can help!

What advice do you have for this woman about whether she should say something now or wait? Let’s talk in the comments!

 

Wifey Wednesday: Massage Your Way to a Great Sex Life

Can a massage really transform your sex life?

I’m going to be honest. Sometimes at the end of the day I’m NOT in the mood. I’ve got a ton on my mind. I’m often tense, because I’ve got lousy posture and I don’t work at a desk (it’s my own fault; I’ve tried to remedy it, but I can’t. Or won’t). I grind my teeth at night which gives me jaw pain and headaches and neckaches.

And often I haven’t taken time to BREATHE during the day. I work all day, and at night I’m working on knitting this gorgeous shawl for Katie’s wedding, and so when night comes around, I haven’t actually sat still and just focused on breathing or on relaxing. Even if I had a great day, it doesn’t mean that my brain isn’t going at a million miles a minute.

That’s where massage comes in, and that’s why I thought it would be great to talk about for Wifey Wednesday this week.

And it’s why I’m grateful for MELT Massage courses for sponsoring this post!

A lot of us women need a good 20-25 minutes before making love to turn off our brains and concentrate on the physical side of our being–to just FEEL. I’m so much in my head that sometimes it’s hard to get out and enjoy my actual body. Massage brings me back to that.

And there’s something else, too. I was just talking to a friend about the benefits of massage on your marriage, and she said this:

“You’re touching each other. One of you’s naked. It’s not rocket science.”

I think she has a point.

6 Things I’ve Been Sent for Free that I Actually Buy Now!

I get sent a lot of products for free because I run this blog. And I get sponsors on the blog to ask me to promote their stuff.

And sometimes I’m introduced to stuff that is just AMAZING. And today I want to tell you about five of those things. But first–none of these people paid me to have their products here, and these are not affiliate links. I’m simply talking about them because I honestly love them!

Second, in order to make this list they had to be from WAHM (work at home moms), or moms who are trying to start a business for themselves. So big companies didn’t make it. I really want to support moms who run businesses from home, and so I thought I’d do this post as a Christmas present to them.

I’m also not talking about any of the products specifically related to sex because, quite frankly, I don’t actually want you to be able to picture what I use personally :), if you know what I mean!

So here we go! (And I’m sorry this post is late today; I’m still feeling quite under the weather so I took things really SLOWLY this morning!)

1. Mom’s Love Rub

Okay, the name sounds vaguely sketchy considering the normal subject of this blog, but I love this stuff! I get really itchy skin and outbreaks of eczema, and I often resort to hydrocortisone to try to tame it. But if I use this even once, it totally clears up! It’s amazing.

I received this a few years ago, and it’s lasted a long time (you only need a little bit), although I’m out now. But I take it with me when I speak, just in case.

One of my sons-in-law gets eczema, too, and I’m putting this in his stocking. (But don’t tell him!)

Check it out here.

2. Redeeming Beauty Mineral Makeup

Emily from Redeeming Beauty Mineral Makeup sponsored a post last month on mineral makeup, and she sent me a box of makeup to try out. I am absolutely in love with her primer and her foundation. My face actually feels SOFT at the end of the day. I normally use liquid foundation, and that clogs everything. But this stuff is actually healing and healthy! And it’s non-toxic, non-paraben, totally great. She has wonderful blushes and eye shadows, too, which are awesome, but if you’re going to just get one thing, get her foundation. It’s great.

Check it out here!

3. Apple Valley Natural Soaps

These smell simply luscious. They’re just amazing. She has these amazing blends, like cucumber mint or grapefruit or tons of luscious scents, and they’re so soft on your skin! I’ve been using them for months now and my skin is far less dry than it usually is this time of year.

My blogger friend Natalie from Emotional Abuse Survivor makes them. She has a great blog, but she also has an awesome business making handmade soaps. She also has shampoo bars, hair rinse, and so much more.

Check it out here!

4. My Sister R Soaps and Creams

Another reader sent me a moisturizing bar of soap from My Sister R, and it’s so rich, too! She specializes in more natural skin care products, and if you’re trying to get rid of parabens and go more natural with what you put on your face, check them out. They’re lovely!

See it here.

5. Essential Oil Necklaces

I’m a big fan of essential oils, and I think they can really affect our mood and even our health. And so I was so taken with these necklaces. They look like lockets, but inside is a pad that you can put several drops of your favourite essential oils or essential oil blends, so you get a whiff of aromatherapy as you move all day. It’s amazing! And since I have a cold right now, I’m doing some serious eucalyptus and peppermint.

See them here!

6. Good Works Bracelets

I met Helena, who started Good Works Bracelets, when Katie and I were speaking at a Christian Entrepreneurs conference in Toronto last month. She gave me one of her gorgeous bracelets and I wear it all the time. I’m seriously considering throwing all my other bracelets out! Here’s why I love it: It’s attractive (mine’s a mixture of metal and leather), it has Scripture on it, and it has the most amazing magnet clasp that makes it so easy to get on and off, but also makes it super sturdy.  I’m actually buying this for Christmas for someone who reads the blog, so I can’t comment more than that.

A Plea for Christian Men Not to Trivialize #MeToo

I am very worried with the stance that many Christians, and especially Christian men, have been taking on the #metoo phenomenon.

I had a Reader Question post all ready to go today, but I thought I just needed to say this, and add to what I’ve said before. Now, I’m also suffering from a HUGE cold, and so I hope some of these thoughts are at least semi-coherent, but allow me to go on a bit of a rant–and the reader question will go up on Thursday instead!

Last week I was alerted to this exchange on Twitter:

The first guy runs a Christian website. The second apparently works for John MacArthur’s ministries. I have a very difficult time understanding why they would post such a thing on social media.

And they’re not the only ones.

As I’ve been reading some Christian blogs, and looking in the comments section on many news websites, I’ve seen very “thoughtful” arguments being made that this whole thing is over the top and women just need to stop. And many have been saying things like, “I wish a woman would grab my butt!”

I’d like to explain, then, why objectifying women is wrong, even if it doesn’t rise to the level of sexual assault.

And I’d like to do it by telling you about two times I was brought to tears last week.

First, my husband and I watched the movie Hidden Figures on Netflix. It was amazing! It’s the story of three brilliant African American women who were hired by NASA during the space race in the 1960s, and the racism they had to overcome as they did quite incredible things. I highly recommend it.

In one scene, Catherine, who had been assigned to the mathematical group trying to calculate the trajectory they would need to get the capsule back to earth, got up, exhausted, to get herself a cup of coffee out of the coffee machine in the room. Catherine was the only African American woman there, and only the second woman in total. Everyone else was a man in a white shirt and a tie. As she turned around after pouring her coffee, everybody was staring at her in disapproval. She should not have used the “white” coffee machine.

That scene, as banal as it was, was simply heartbreaking. I began to weep, and I don’t do that much at movies. I thought to myself, “If I had had to act that scene out, and glare at Catherine, I would have been so disturbed that night that I wouldn’t have been able to sleep.” It’s that thought–how can people not care about another human being? How can I share the earth with humanity that truly is that bad? Even though what was done to her wasn’t that terrible (no one said anything; no one laid a hand on her), they were still stripping her of her identity, her humanity, her personhood.

Small gestures can say a lot.

Dustin Hoffman now has three accusers, but it was actually the LEAST bad story that brought me to tears for the second time. One story is from a teenage intern whom he propositioned, put in uncomfortable positions, forced her to massage him, and talked dirty to. One was from a Broadway co-star whom he touched inappropriately, propositioned, and even digitally penetrated.

But it was the story from a playwright that hit me the most. She was in her twenties and had written a powerful script. A producer and Hoffman were thinking of optioning it. But in their second meeting, Hoffman had her come to his hotel room and propositioned her. She left and never got the contract.

I had that same feeling as when Catherine was just trying to get a cup of coffee at work. She was using her brains; she was smart. And he was saying, “None of that matters to me except whether I can use you.” You are simply an object to be used; nothing more. That which makes you most YOU is completely irrelevant.

People may read that account and think, “It was just a proposition. He didn’t actually DO anything to her.” But he did. He took her dignity from her. Do we not understand what that means anymore? I do believe that the other women were hurt worse, and that there are degrees of “badness” in the #metoo movement, but what I am also concerned about is this trivialization of women’s feelings.

For as these women stared down people who decided that they didn’t matter, I can hear them crying, “does anybody see me?”

Small gestures say a lot.

And small touches do, too.

They’re bad enough that Taylor Swift got so enraged she sued. She was really, really pissed off (if you don’t mind my language) that that cameraman grabbed her backside during a photo–so pissed off that she ended up suing him (and winning). And grabbing women’s backsides is largely what brought Al Franken down. But is that really so bad, many have been asking? That’s not exactly sexual assault. So he grabbed a “piece of ass”. So what?

Well, as Taylor swift explained, if he was willing to grab her butt in front of a camera, where other people could see, what would he do to other women behind closed doors?

Because when these predators did that, they told these women several things. First, they said, “You are simply an object for me to use.” I have the right to touch you. Why? Why do some men think they have a right to touch women wherever they please? Do men understand how totally terrible that is?

That’s what men have been joking about in the comments I’ve read. They’d love it if a woman grabbed their behind.

Let me explain what that feels like to a woman.

For women, sex is something very vulnerable. We are literally allowing someone else into our bodies. We also have a difficult time becoming aroused unless we feel a connection to this man. Arousal and climax isn’t guaranteed for us the way it is for the vast majority of men; we have to focus on what’s being done, we have to concentrate, we have to think. Sex, for us, is far more “in our heads” than it is for men, who are far more body centered. For that reason, sex is extremely, extremely personal.

When someone grabs us sexually, then, it is an invasion of our personhood, even if all they did was touch our behind.

All he cares about his own personal jollies, not how we feel.

Does anybody see me?

But it goes further than that. When men trivialize this, joking about how they’d love to be objectified, most women are horrified.


When some men trivialize the pain of having your butt grabbed, most women are horrified. Click To Tweet

What we dream of, what we hold on to, what we even cling to, is this thought, this hope, that we will have an intimate relationship with a man who cherishes us. We want sex to be highly intimate. We believe that this is the way it should be.

I realize I am generalizing, but surveys repeatedly show that women want that emotional connection during sex, and that the “hooking up” culture has tremendous downsides to our psyches, because it goes against what our hearts truly desire.

We want to know that intimacy is possible.

For if men see sex as they should, then we will be safe, and we will be cherished.

We will, in essence, be seen.

Because if sex is intimate, and men agree, then not only will our desires for our own relationships be met, but we will be safe in the wider community. People will not objectify us when they also see sex as intimate, because there would be no need to sexualize anyone. It wouldn’t work, if what people truly desire is intimacy.

And yet, do men? Is intimacy what men want? We see how porn has captured so many men, how they are glued to their screens watching women be raped and used. We see how many men use prostitutes, and pay to get their jollies in a totally anonymous way. We give money to charities who combat sex trafficking in Asia and Africa and Eastern Europe, and read about men who will pay to rape little children.

And we start to worry. How can we live on this planet when humanity is like this? When we talk about men’s sexual needs as if they’re entirely physical, and when pastors talk about how if men don’t get release they could easily cheat, it makes women feel so alone.

Does anybody see?

It’s like when a man has a one-night stand, and his wife discovers, and he protests, “But, honey, it didn’t mean anything.”

He doesn’t understand that this only makes it worse. Because if he can have sex without it meaning anything, then is he even capable of intimacy with me? If he can have sex without it meaning anything, then how can we ever really be cherished? How can we trust that we have his heart? If sex is so cheap, then love is destroyed.

Does anybody see?

And then there is Roy Moore.

My intention here is not to get political, because I can truly see both sides.

I understand those who will not vote for Roy Moore, saying that God does not need us to protect His name; He can manage that. We don’t have to lower our standards to accomplish God’s purposes. God is bigger than that.

And I understand those who would vote for Roy Moore, because let’s face it: in today’s hyper partisan world, the person matters far less than the party. Everything is so polarized, you just need the party numbers there. When you believe strongly in a cause, I can see how that can take over everything, just as I understand those who voted for Bill Clinton.

But please, even if you do vote for him, or think that’s the right thing to do, don’t defend him.

Even assuming that he ISN’T guilty of the assaults that he’s been accused of (and that’s a big IF), when he was in his 30s, he still sought out teenage girls. 

Do we understand WHY that’s disturbing? That is a grown man saying, “I don’t want an equal in a partner. I want someone I can dominate, manipulate, control.” There really is no other reason to go with a teenager rather than a woman in her late twenties.

When Christians defend Moore, thinking that the politics in this reign supreme, they may very well win this battle but lose the war. Because the real war we are fighting is not Republican vs. Democrat or liberal vs. conservative. The real war we are fighting is against sin, and against those forces that would strip the image of God from humanity. When we forget that, we veer so far off course that we stop seeking God’s will and chase our own agendas, even if they come from a good place.

So please, if you do vote for Roy Moore (which, as I said, I do understand both sides), then I implore you to do so quietly, and not make it about your faith. Let’s not get Jesus wrapped up in seeming to defend the objectification of women.

I understand those who would vote for Roy Moore. I do not understand those who would defend him.Click To Tweet

And the more Christians do that, the more women are left wondering, “do I really have to share an earth with so much humanity that doesn’t even value me as a person?”

Does anybody see?

Yes, Jesus did see.

He saw the Samaritan woman at the well who was just desperate to be loved, and was choosing all the wrong people in the process.

He saw the woman who had been redeemed from a horrible past, and noticed her act of kindness by anointing him with oil, and responded to her motivation, not her reputation. He told her that from now on, and forevermore, people would remember her and and her devotion, and we do, today.

He saw the woman mourning in the garden, loving him and distressed that his body was gone, and He called her by name. “Mary,” He said. And he affirmed her and appointed her as the very first missionary of the gospel.

Jesus saw.

And so now we have a choice.

Will we continue to excuse behaviour that objectifies and diminishes women, or will we say that all objectification of women is wrong?

Will we say that sex is sacred, and that people are to be respected, and that people matter?

Two thousand years ago, at the Pharisees’ table, a woman came in to worship Jesus. They scorned her. They believed she didn’t matter. They saw her as only a sexual object–which apparently she had been. But Jesus saw her. And He elevated her and respected her.

Today we remember her act of devotion. But we also remember the Pharisees’ act of scorn, which, in the day, would have been understandable and lauded.

I believe that right now Christians have a choice. We can stand with the Pharisees and nitpick and continue to dismiss how women feel, or we can stand with Jesus and truly see.

Personally, I wouldn’t risk going against Jesus. And that, my Christian brothers, is what far too many of you are doing right now. 

Please, in the name of God, stop. 

See the women around you. Truly listen to them. And then, please, treat them as people.

Thank you.

Would you help me and share this on social media? I think this message needs to get out, because I’m progressively worried about how too many Christians are taking the wrong side in this. Again, to me, this isn’t political. This is moral. And God asks us to see people.

You Can’t Deal with a Porn Addiction Alone

Recovering from a porn addiction really can’t be done alone.

This post contains affiliate links.

I’ve spent the last week planning out my blog posts for December and January, and I realized late yesterday that a lot of them are really heavy topics (maybe that’s because I get a lot of sad reader questions around Christmas?). And this is sort of odd, because I’m actually in a rather happy place in my life right now! We’re busy planning Katie’s wedding for February (I finished knitting her wedding shawl last night!), and we’re looking forward to having both girls and their significant others home at Christmas.

So I thought–let’s try to write more happy posts!

And then I saw an email about a special online porn recovery summit. And I thought, “should I share about this?” “Is this too depressing?”

I went back and forth and drank a few cups of tea and knit a few more rows on the shawl, and then decided that even if it seemed like a bit of a downer, it was important to let you know about.

Because you know what? Porn does not have to be the end of the story. In fact, you could actually have a very HAPPY ending if you deal with the porn addiction in the right way!

Pornography does not have to be the end of your marriage. So many have broken free! Learn how.Click To Tweet

Every morning I wake up to a whole bunch of new sad comments that come into this blog overnight, mostly on older posts that still get a lot of traffic. And many of those are stories about guys using porn, and women who are absolutely heartbroken and at their wit’s end. They desperately want this to stop, but he doesn’t seem bothered by it.

And one of the common themes in these emails is that they’re trying to battle porn alone.

You can’t do that.

Here’s what often happens: she catches him watching porn. He apologizes profusely. He promises to never do it again. She feels uncomfortable, and wonders how she can trust him, but what else can she do? So they plod along, and a few months later she finds he never stopped. She confronts him again. He apologizes again. And the cycle starts–all over again.

A porn habit is a horrible one that is very difficult to break. For many porn users, the pull is intense. It’s how they deal with stress. It’s more exciting than cocaine. And it seriously wrecks your libido and your ability to perform sexually in marriage, because it rewires the brain so that what’s attractive is an image or a fantasy rather than a person.

So how does a person quit pornography?

I think it’s a three step process.

First you need internet controls and filters so that it’s much harder to access pornography. This won’t solve the problem, but it will allow a temporary stopgap measure while you deal with the root of the problem.
Second you need accountability, or people in your life who will be real with you and encourage you to stay on the straight and narrow.
And third you need real work and insight and healing into what drew you to porn, what it is that you’re getting out of porn, what holes in your life porn has both covered up and caused, and how instead to achieve real wholeness.

That last step is essential, but it isn’t easy. And you can’t get there without the first two.

Many users never even get to #1. They say they’re sorry, but that’s where any action stops.

Listen to me clearly on this one: If they were truly sorry, they would be willing to get help. True repentance is always accompanied by confession. Otherwise they’re not sorry they’re using porn. They’re only sorry they got caught.

If someone apologizes for using porn, but won't confess to anyone else, they're not really sorry.Click To Tweet

So what do you do?

As wives, we need to make clear that an apology is not enough. Action must be taken.

And as wives, we also need a safe place to share our own feelings of devastation and rejection and inadequacy and anger, and we need him to hear those things, too.

We need to know how to rebuild trust.

We need to know how to rebuild intimacy.

And we need to know what to do when he doesn’t seem to be making any progress.

Oh, and one final thing: We women also need to get real about the fact that 30% of porn users are now women. It is not only men who are ruining marriages with porn use. It is women, too. And that, I think, is likely the biggest secret that is being hidden right now, because unlike men, women can still function sexually when they use porn. They just can’t experience real intimacy.

Where do we get this help with overcoming porn?

Ideally it starts in a church community. But not all churches are equipped to handle it. And not all churches provide help to both the husband and the wife.

That’s where the Break Free Virtual Summit comes in. It’s a 10-day online summit with 40 speakers, all addressing different areas of sexual addictions and sexual integrity and recovery.

And there are some names there who will be quite familiar to this blog! Vicki Tiede is featured, author of When Your Husband Is Addicted to Pornography, who helped me with a 4-part series on husbands and porn. There’s Jessica Harris, who has guest posted here and who writes at length on women’s struggles with pornography. And there are so many more–including a ton of men who are gifted at mentoring, telling it like it is, and challenging husbands to step up to the plate and truly conquer this.

Some talks are geared towards the porn addict, some towards the spouse, and some towards those who counsel people with porn problems.

It’s a 10-day summit focused on solutions, not problems. It’s all about how to move ahead and break free.

Here’s what you’ll learn:

Day 1: Breaking Free from Hopelessness
Day 2: Breaking Free from Blindness
Day 3: Breaking Free from Isolation
Day 4: Breaking Free from Secrets & Lies
Day 5: Breaking Free from Uncertainty
Day 6: Breaking Free from Betrayal
Day 7: Breaking Free from Guilt & Shame
Day 8: Breaking Free from Past Abuse
Day 9: Breaking Free from Unforgiveness
Day 10: Breaking Free from a Lukewarm Life

You can get a free access pass to the conference, to watch live, or you can get an all-access pass to lifetime access to the videos, to watch anytime, for the early bird price of $99 (if you buy before next Thursday). After that the price increases.

Sign up for free–or buy the all-access pass–right here.

I have to admit my heart gets heavy every time I read all the new comments. And what I’d really like is to see some happy endings–some people truly recover on the other side of porn addiction! Many of these speakers have. The others have led people through the process. And I do believe that God wants so many more to find freedom. So if this is something that can help you or your family, sign up–and spread the word!

Have you ever been involved in a recovery group? Or have you ever had to live with someone who says they’re sorry, but doesn’t move forward? Let’s talk in the comments!

When Parents Enable Adult Children to Be Moochers

Adult children can seriously take advantage of their parents–and seriously be moochers.

Last month I wrote a series on what it’s reasonable for senior parents to expect from their adult children, because many parents in their golden years are asking far too much of their kids. But then a woman wrote to me with the opposite problem–what about when adult children expect far too much from their parents, and their parents enable it?

What do you say about when the older generation continue to do the basic Life Responsibilities for their adult children (things like loaning money for houses, loaning money for cars, buying cars in their name but for the “child” due to bankruptcy problems of the child?) Also, what about expecting things like babysitting and shopping trips and lunches and “partying” at a moments notice – often a VERY short moments notice, even when the child makes much more money than the parents?

That’s a great question, and I’ve asked my daughter Rebecca to step and answer on behalf of millennials (although this is likely a problem for my generation, too!). But here’s Rebecca:

I’m at the stage of life where everyone is getting married. 

Seriously–I’ve told my husband Connor that we’ve got to cut it off at three weddings a year pretty soon, because we always seem to be involved in decorating or helping in some way, and it’s getting exhausting!

But because of that, the topics of conversation among all my friends revolve around how to move forward together and pursue your goals. And what I’ve noticed is that the couples who are trying to do it mostly on their own are far stronger than the others.

Helping your kids can sometimes actually set them up for failure.

I know that helping your kids seems like the nice thing to do. But the nice thing and the good thing aren’t always the same thing. Let’s take a look at the “paying for houses” issue for a moment.

There’s a reason banks require a down payment. It’s not because they’re mean–it’s because if you can’t afford a down-payment, you likely aren’t financially ready to be a home-owner. You won’t have savings in place in case the furnace goes or the roof goes.

Homes are expensive. There’s mortgage payments, property taxes, and don’t get me started on upkeep costs and unexpected repairs. Connor and I are currently saving for our first house, but I know we’re nowhere near ready right now to actually buy, even if the down-payment was completely given to us for free.

If you step in and take care of the payment before your child is ready to save up the money his or herself, how can you be sure they’re even ready to be a home-owner? It’s one thing to chip in to help with the down-payment if (a) it doesn’t eat into your retirement fund and (b) you’re topping up what your child has already saved, but when parents pay for these huge purchases for their kids they take away the responsibility from the child.

Are you enabling your kids' bad decisions? Here are some signs: Click To Tweet

It’s not a bad thing to have to live in a small apartment for a while. Connor and I are currently in a two-bedroom basement apartment here in Ottawa, and plan to have our first kid here. The first three and a half years of my life were spent in a 2-bedroom apartment in downtown Toronto, while Daddy was doing his residency.

If your kids want to move into a nicer place, they should be the ones to sacrifice and save for it. Not you. 

When parents give money to their adult children, it can set up a really bad dynamic in the family.

Usually what happens is that the irresponsible kid gets all the help, money, and attention from mom and dad and the responsible kid is expected to make it on his or her own.

So you’re in essence punishing the kid who went out and got a good job, saved money, and made responsible decisions because that kid doesn’t get the payout but watches his/her sibling make bad decisions and get fished out of trouble again and again.

This doesn’t only apply to money–it can be babysitting, a place to live, food, really anything. If your actions are enabling a child to make bad decisions, whether it’s to use you as free child care so they can party, not work, or live at your house rent-free–that is really unfair to other children and other family members.

Parents: you deserve to be respected, not walked over like a doormat!Click To Tweet
People need to be held accountable to the choices they made

If you scrimped and saved all your life, were a good employee, and made decisions that added value to your life, the consequences are going to be pretty  good!

But if you decided to never work hard at any job, blew all your money on partying or cars and houses you couldn’t afford, and never saved for retirement? Well those consequences aren’t so fun, but are really important to feel. 

What often happens, though, is that parents freak out seeing their kids heading towards doom and destruction and they swoop in to save the day.

But then their kids just do the same thing next week. 

When we swoop in, we “disrupt the law of sowing and reaping”, as the authors of the great book Boundaries explain. God set up the world so that a basic law of human behaviour is that “you reap and what you sow” (Galatians 6:7). That’s how people are supposed to learn. When you disrupt that, then people stop learning. (Mom has more on setting boundaries here).

If you’re always available for babysitting whenever your kids need you last-minute because they want to party or go to a friends’ house, or if you co-sign loans and mortgages with them, or if you give them money to cover spending debt, you are not allowing them to feel the consequences of their actions. In fact, what you’re doing is actually saying, “these are good things to do, because you have mom and dad to help you out.”

Speaking as the kid in the situation, sometimes the best thing parents can do to help their adult children is to back out and say, “Sorry, you got yourself into this mess. We will be there to help you make a plan to get out on your own, but we can’t do the work for you.” 

The reality is, you will feel the consequences of your decisions, as well.

And it’s not selfish to say, “No, I can’t help you because I am saving for retirement.” You worked for 18 years to prepare this kid to be an adult. Now, they’re adults, and it’s their decision if they want to actually grow up or not.

But it is not your responsibility to keep taking care of them like they’re still children.

Helping with that last part of a down-payment they’ve been saving for, babysitting on weekends so they can have a break, or even coming over to help your child with cleaning and cooking when your grand-kids are young can be such a blessing when your kids are responsible and understand the true cost of such acts.

But when your kids aren’t acting like adults or aren’t making responsible decisions, doing things for them can create a sense of entitlement and reinforce negative behaviors.

So many parents sacrifice everything for kids who aren’t willing to lift a finger to help themselves. A close friend works with a bank and is often asked to review loan applications from people who are trying to cosign on a mortgage or line of credit for their children, and often he says no because the parents simply can’t afford it without emptying out their retirement fund.

Adult children's WANTS are not more important than their parents' NEEDS. Click To Tweet

If you drain your financial and emotional resources to try and keep your kids’ head above water when they aren’t being responsible themselves, that will affect you. You won’t have a retirement fund, you will be exhausted, and you’ll be stressed. No, it’s not fun to leave a kid to face his or her actions–but it is important, and it can end the negative cycle of destructive behaviors. Some family friends of ours found themselves in this position–they never got to enjoy their retirement because their kids kept coming over and taking groceries, money, and whatever else they needed. Their parents had become their personal convenience store/ATM.

Enabling your adult child’s irresponsible behavior is not the way to help your grandchildren


Enabling your adult child's irresponsible behaviour is not helping your grandchildren.Click To Tweet

When I was growing up, I had a friend whose mother never once took her to a doctor’s appointment. She went, but it was always her grandparents who took her. Her mom worked normal hours, had plenty of time to hang out with friends or coworkers after work, but somehow never brought her daughter to her yearly check up.

This started when she was a baby, and for the rest of her life I don’t think her mom ever brought her to a check up. And my friend grew up feeling like she never really belonged. Her mom loved her as much as she ever had to, but the grandparents took care of everything so she never had to actually think about her kid. And she just stayed selfish instead of learning how to be a good mom.

At heart, you either think your child is a fit parent who is just lazy and a little selfish, or you think that your child is an unfit parent. In my friend’s case, it truly was the former. Her grandparents didn’t help matters by doing basic parenting tasks that were really her mom’s job. If your child is seriously unfit to be a parent, then it’s time to get child protective services involved. But if they aren’t dangerous, just a bit immature, it’s time to let them feel the weight of being a parent and let them grow up.

How to handle when your kids are moochers!Click To Tweet

Being told “no” is never fun. Telling your kids you’re no longer their ATM machine likely won’t be fun for them to hear, either. But even though it might be uncomfortable, it is so important in the big picture.

People get away with whatever they can get away with! So why not stop the cycle? Why not start creating boundaries that encourage responsible behavior instead of mooching? The long-term effects will be worth it.

Thanks, Rebecca! I just want to echo what she said about setting up this dynamic where all the focus, money, and time in the family goes to the adult child who is irresponsible, rather than the ones who are doing the right thing. I’ve seen this again and again, and it breeds serious resentment and a really bad dynamic. And it often starts when the kids are teens. So be careful! Love your children who don’t seem to need you as much, too. They deserve it.

Have you had any problems with adult children mooching? How did you handle it? Let’s talk in the comments!

How to Buy Christmas Couples’ Gifts–for Yourselves!

Are you the kind of couple who buys each other Christmas gifts–or who goes in together and buys one big couple gift?

It’s Wednesday, the day we always talk about marriage and how to feel close. And so today I thought I’d tackle Christmas gifts.

Keith and I have a real problem every year with gifts, because our anniversary is also December 21. So every year, just when we’re trying to figure out gifts for everybody else, we also have to figure out TWO gifts for each other. And since both Keith and I have very specialized hobbies (I’m a big knitter; he’s a big bird watcher and miniature soldier painter), it’s hard for us to buy for each other. We both want such specific things the other isn’t knowledgeable about.

It’s always a little bit stressful, and as a person who does NOT have gifts as her love language (and neither does my husband!), we often wonder if it’s worth all of the worry.

Besides that, we totally share bank accounts, so if he “buys” me a present, it’s not really like he’s giving me something, since it was my money already. It’s more like he’s spending our money, in a way to say, “I want to bless you with this without having to worry about spending money on yourself.” That’s lovely, but again–it’s not always what I want.

That’s where couple gifts can come in handy.

Some years, to avoid the hassle of having to find two presents for each other, we just decide that we will find something we both really want and buy it to bless our marriage. In fact, often this gives us something we want more! If he buys me something he thinks I’ll like, he doesn’t always get it 100% right, and vice versa. Plus, he only has 50% of the money to spend as he would have if we went in together. So often a couple gift gets you more of what you want–you just lose out on the surprise factor Christmas morning.

After all, if you combine forces, you have twice as much money to spend! And that can get you something awesome.

So today I thought I’d talk about couple presents that can bless you together. I don’t just want to look at buying stuff you both really want (like a new couch or a super cool espresso maker or a new appliance, even if those may be wonderful), but instead buying a couple gift that will actually bless your marriage. So let’s look!

Want to bless your marriage this Christmas? Consider buying a COUPLE GIFT you both want!Click To Tweet

Try the “Gift of an Experience” Couple Gift

One of the best couple gifts I can think of is an experience where you go and do something together and build memories, have some fun, and laugh together!

Here are a few ideas:

1. Buy a trip together

Keith and I just loved our walking tour of Ireland we did last year with Hillwalk Tours. It was a self-guided walking tour, so they made all the arrangements at the B&B and provided the maps, itinerary, and all the instructions we needed, and off we went!

Us on our amazing holiday in Ireland!

Maybe there’s some place you’ve always wanted to visit–or maybe you want to go back to the place you went for your honeymoon! Maybe you never even took a honeymoon. Instead of putting money towards individual gifts, maybe that money would better be put into a fund to save up for a trip that you both would absolutely love.

2. Go on a marriage weekend

Keith and I just got back from speaking at FamilyLife Canada’s Weekend Getaway (we’re speaking at the one in Niagara Falls in March, too!). It’s such a fun weekend where you learn great SMALL things you can put into practice right away to enhance your marriage–while you also get a weekend away in a lovely hotel, and a chance for a great extended date night on Saturday night.

Speaking at a FamilyLife Conference in 2015

Check out some marriage conferences in your area, because every marriage needs a tune up sometimes.

3. Plan a Weekend Away

Or there’s always the option just to take a romantic weekend getaway, just the two of you. That’s cheaper than a trip, and if you need extended time together, it’s a great way. Choose a location a little bit of a drive from where you live, so that it seems at least a little exotic, and choose a great place to stay. Remember–staying for 2 nights during the week is often cheaper than the weekend, so if you all have a flexible work schedule and flexible baby-sitters (if needed), that may be an option, too!

4. Go to a Concert, Play, or Something Super Cool

My youngest daughter would absolutely be in heaven if she could go see the musical Hamilton. So would my oldest son-in-law (unfortunately they’re not the ones who are married!). Maybe there’s a show or a play or a sporting event that you both would just love to go to. But often tickets, especially good tickets, can be over $100. When you have to buy 2 tickets, that can be too much for a single gift. But for a couple gift–suddenly it may be in the budget.

Remake your Bed as a Couple Gift

What’s more of a “marriage” gift than a luxurious bed? And the bed is the piece of furniture you will use the most. You will use your sheets far more than any item of clothing. Your bedding matters. So pamper your marriage by getting a great place to sleep!

5. Buy a New Mattress

Did you know that mattresses should be replaced every 7-10 years? Yet most people don’t do that. And considering that a good mattress can save you from back and neck problems, as well as help you sleep better, it really does matter.

Plus, a mattress that doesn’t squeak when you’re making love and that is just the right firmness to make this awesome is really a pretty important thing in a marriage!

Don’t scrimp on the mattress. Scrimp on the appliances, but not the mattress!

And the same can go for pillows, too. I’ve got neck problems simply because I’m on my computer all day, plus I slouch, so I’ve gone out of my way to find pillows that cradle me properly at night.

6. Buy New Bedding

I’ve talked a lot about Slumber Cloud, because they’re a big sponsor of this blog, and I just love what they offer, especially as I’m approaching menopause. What Slumber Cloud does is create bedding that is super comfortable, but that also regulates temperature. NASA developed this fabric technology for astronauts, and Slumber Cloud has the patent to use this technology in bedding. Here’s how they describe it:

Outlast® technology is made up of thousands of microscopic “beads” called Thermocules™. Each one of these Thermocules™ is designed to absorb, store, or release heat based on your ideal sleeping temperature. As your skin temperature increases, the technology will absorb that excess heat to reduce overheating. The technology will then store the excess heat away from your body until your skin temperature begins to drop. When this occurs, the stored heat is released back to you to keep you at the perfect temperature.

In other words–if you both sleep at different temperatures, this can compensate. And if you’re a woman going through menopause, or a guy who hates being hot at night, this can be amazing. I’ve been using Slumber Cloud’s Nacreous mattress pad, Cumulus pillow, and Nacreous pillow cover, all with the Outlast technology, along with their sheet sets. The next thing I want to try is their duvets! I spent all year when we were in our RV testing out the mattress cover. It really does keep the temperature constant. It helped me with hot flashes a ton–the mattress didn’t feel hot and sweaty. But on those cool nights it also helped me stay a little warmer. Awesome bedding is worth investing in–and you can combine it with a basket of strawberries or chocolates for a romantic post-Christmas evening!

Choose a Romantic Couple Gift
7. Learn to give an awesome massage to each other

Nothing says “I love you” to me than when Keith takes some time to knead the knots out of my back. My shoulder blades get bad because of my bad posture, and my lower back gets bad because of how I sit all day. And when he gives me a massage–I feel much more romantic in every sense of the word, too!

MELT Massage has been an awesome partner of this blog for years, and I’m so grateful because we got a free membership to their video series where couples can learn how to give a great massage. It’s so fun. The lessons are only 5 minutes long, and they teach one skill per lesson. You watch the video, and then you practice. And after a few videos, you’ve learned a whole bunch of techniques that you can then combine into an awesome massage night!

Right now Dennis, who created the videos, has a really cool special on. He’s created his own unique massage oil, which he’s selling at 50% off. And here’s the deal: When you buy the massage oil (which really won’t be expensive), you’re eligible to buy the massage videos for 40% off! But there are only 700 bottles of massage oil available–and so only 700 discounts (and it’s only in the U.S. I’m afraid!).

See all the details here!

8. Take ballroom dancing lessons

One of the most romantic things Keith and I ever did as a couple was learn to ballroom dance. We’re not awesome, but we’re passable. And that means that when we’re at weddings or on cruises or something where there’s dancing–we can actually dance!

Don’t know where to take lessons? We’ve also discovered how you can take ballroom dancing lessons online (I’ve got a whole post on it here, including video of Keith and me trying!). And if you want to take a Crash Course in Ballroom Dancing (where you learn enough to do 3 dances in just 1.5 hours), try this one! But remember: It’s only a real couples gift if you actually practice.

10 Tips for Winter Pajamas that Are Warm–but Still Sexy!

How do you choose sexy pajamas–that are still warm?

Recently I wrote a “Fight the Frump” series at the blog, where I encouraged all of us to try to spend just a few minutes looking put together every morning–to show that we respect ourselves. It was a super fun week, but in the middle of it I received an SOS from a reader.

You’ve got to help me with pajamas! I sleep in sweat pants and t-shirts with holes in them. Definitely frumpy!

I get it. In fact, just to prove it to you, I took a picture of myself one morning last week when I had definitely not put any thought into what pajamas I was throwing on:

Okay, at least I was patriotic!

But still. 

That’s pathetic.

We’ve got to do something about this! And so today, for Top 10 Tuesday, I thought I would tackle the winter pajama dilemma.

I know that not all of you face this. If you live in the southern United States, or if you’re Down Under right now where it’s summer, then you likely aren’t worried about warm pajamas. But for those of us who live in more northern climates, winter pajamas are a bit of a challenge. In the summer we can wear cute 2-pieces and super cute nightgowns, but in the winter we want to be warmer. And warmth usually = flannel. And flannel is very rarely sexy!

In fact, I had a running joke in one of the Girls Night Out events I did about a flannel nightgown I once had. This nightgown sent a very definite message–“No Trespassing”. And that’s not a message we want to be sending! (Or, if you do want to send it, then you really should get my Boost Your Libido course!)

So let’s talk about how to choose pajamas that don’t say “No Trespassing”, but that still keep us from freezing!

I’ve written quite a bit on this blog about how frumpy makes us grumpy, and how modest shouldn’t mean dowdy. But warm shouldn’t mean dowdy, either. So let’s figure out how to look great together.

This post will contain affiliate links that go to supporting the costs of this blog (which are considerable!).

1. Go with a 2-Piece Set

Nightgowns tend to be colder, and you have to wear them with really thick socks, which can be off-putting in its own way.

In general, then, to stay warm, stick to a 2-piece pajama set.

But how do you make it sexy?

10 tips for choosing winter pajamas that keep you warm--but that AREN'T frumpy!Click To Tweet
2. Bright Colors Make for Sexy Pajamas

Go for bright colors, like deep red or deep purple–or even black. Stay away from pastels which are too “girly”. You want a colour that says, “I am a woman”, not “where’s my Barbie?”

 

Jockey Women’s Cotton Cardigan Pajama Set, $40.50

See it here.

Seriously, look at the difference between that and something like this:

The black says, “I’m interested in night time things.” The pink says–well, I’m not really sure what it says. But it’s not, “let’s get it on!”

3. Think the Right Prints for Sexy Pajamas

Shy away from anything with small cute animals (like kittens), or ice cream cones or flowers (like the one above!), or anything that looks like a 12-year-old girl could wear it.

Instead, go for something like a leopard print, or a plaid.

Del Rossa Cotton Flannel Pajama Set, Plaid, $32.99

See it here.

Del Rossa cotton pajamas, leopard print, $25.49

S ee it here!
4. Choose Form Fitting Pajamas to Make You Feel Sexy

Here are some form-fitting flannel long john pajamas. No one can say these are dowdy, but they do keep one warm!

Betsey Johnson Women’s Printed Rib Knit Pj Set, $34.97

See it here!

Or you can go for another fitted look. As long as they’re ribbed pajamas, they’re still really comfortable!

Womens Lace-trimmed Long Sleeve Pajama Set, $27.99

See it here.

In fact, this is the look that I’ve chosen to go for this Christmas! Every Boxing Day I buy new pajamas for the family, and this year I chose some purple thermals for myself. They’re so soft, too! And our reader who sent in the question sent me this “after” picture after she bought herself some thermals (she invited me to share it!)

(Those look remarkably like the ones I linked to above!)

5. Buttons Can Be Sexy!

…because they can be UNbuttoned. If you’re not comfortable with form-fitting pajamas, that’s okay. Just remember the fun that you can have with 2-piece ensembles that have buttons!

Ekouaer Long Sleeve Pajama Set, $36.99

See it here.
6. Something He Loves Can Be Sexy!

Is he really into sports? Why not buy some flannel pajamas that celebrate his team (or your team)?

Boston Bruins Pajama Bottoms, $28.31

See it here.
7. Warm Pajamas Can Still Be Satin

Satin can be surprisingly warm, and the material says “sexy”. So try mixing it up, and don’t just go for cotton or flannel or fleece.

Del Rossa Women’s Satin Pajama Set, $24.99

See it here.


10 tips for choosing WINTER PAJAMAS that don't tell your husband, 'No Trespassing'!Click To Tweet

Here’s another tip: buy some satin sheets! If you’ve got a really warm duvet, then satin sheets will still keep you warm enough, and they can add some heat to the bedroom.

Red Satin Sheet Set, $28.99

See it here.
8. Try a warm–and long–nightgown!

I’ve been showing you all 2-piece sets because I tend to think they’re the warmest. But you can go for a warm nightgown, too!

Long Sleeve Form Fitting Nightgown, $22.99

See it here!
9. A great duvet lets you wear whatever you want! (and that’s sexy!)

Finally, here’s something I always recommend: just get a super warm duvet! It’s one of the best investments you can make. Yes, a real duvet is more expensive than a comforter set, but it’s super luxurious. And don’t you want your bed to feel great? If you have a warm duvet and a super warm robe, then you can wear light nightgowns or sexy 2-piece sets all year round. I have a friend who even sleeps naked (up here in Canada!) all year round, because her duvet is so awesome.

Pair them with some Slumber Cloud temperature regulated sheets (which hold heat in and release it later, keeping you cool when you need it or heating you up when you need it), and you’re all set to go!

Goose Duvet, $94.99

See it here.
10. Keep a space heater near the bed at night.

If you and your hubby don’t want to pay to heat the whole house overnight, you can at least pay for a few minutes of electricity to keep your half of the bed warm! And then it’s easier to want to get OUT of those pajamas–whichever ones you’re wearing–and have some fun.

Let me know in the comments: How do you feel pretty and feminine if you’re a northern girl like me and it’s freezing at night? What do you wear?

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