Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 121
November 6, 2017
Reader Question: Help! My Child Saw a Sex Photo of Us!
A reader writes:
My 10 year old daughter began using a laptop for school this year, but she is not very computer savvy. I generally set it up for her and she stays on the school website – no browsing! Weeellll, this afternoon, she got confused about something and, for whatever reason, thought she had deleted the web browser so went searching for it in the computer’s trash can. It was there that she saw a very compromising photo of her father and I engaged in oral sex. I had no idea that photo was on that computer and am totally horrified! She was crying and traumatized. I haven’t even explained sex to her and I can’t imagine explaining this. I assured her that what I was doing in the picture was in no way sinful and it was something only between her daddy and I, because we are married. In between tears, she was rather curious, but in a horrified sort of way. I also had her pick out a favorite photograph that represents a fun memory. I suggested that, any time she thinks of the computer photo, she should immediately say/think “No!” and then look at her favorite photo and focus her thoughts on remembering that special time. Also, completely deleted the other photo off of the computer and we talked about asking for help and only letting mom or dad open programs and things on the computer for her protection.
Oh, yikes. Oh, crap. Crap. Crap. Crap.
I can just imagine. Yuck yuck yuck yuck yuck.
Let’s try to tackle this one, shall we?
Just don’t take sexy photos of yourself.
A few years back we got into a debate on the blog about whether or not it was okay to take sexy photos of yourself. There was an interesting back and forth in the comments about boudoir photos, but the point I was trying to make is that, from a purely marriage standpoint, it isn’t always the best idea because it can reinforce the pornographic view of sex, rather than the intimate view of sex. And you can’t beat porn by becoming porn.
Of course, if you don’t struggle with porn, then this may not be as big of an issue.
But regardless, there’s one overarching issue that can’t be ignored:
Someone else could see those sex pictures!!!!
Parents, please don't take sexy photos of yourself! You never know when your kids will see them!Click To Tweet
Many phones automatically save pictures to the cloud, without you realizing. Many phones automatically back up into Dropbox on your computer, without you even realizing. Just because a picture is “deleted” doesn’t mean it’s gone (as this mom found out!).
And what would happen if you and your husband died all of a sudden (not to be morbid)? What if family was going through your computer to find important documents or things to remember you by? (Oh, yikes, yikes, yikes, yikes, yikes, yikes!!!!)
Yes, you may be able to get around it if you’re very tech savvy and you have passwords on the photos, but is it worth the risk? So I’d just say be super, super careful, and maybe this is something that’s best not done.
But, what if you have inadvertently saved sexy pictures of you and your husband to your computer, and your child sees?
Downplay it as much as possible
I know your heart rate will be going at a million beats a minute and you’ll be freaking out inside. But things tend to stick in kids’ minds for longer if they’re associated with strong emotions. If you do not freak out and don’t raise the tension level, then perhaps they won’t realize what a big deal this is and it may be able to be brushed off easier. So try to keep yourself matter-of-fact. Make a very quick prayer and ask God to quiet your heart and calm your child before you say anything!
If they don’t know about sex yet…
If they’re very young and aren’t even aware of what sex is, then just be nonchalant, and say something like, “I didn’t mean for you to see that, honey, because that’s just for Daddy and me. When married people are together, sometimes we touch each other because it feels good, but you really don’t need to think about that now until you’re older.”
If they do know about sex…
Don’t assume that just because the child knows what sex is that they will realize that this is what they saw! I know that sounds strange, but kids have a hard time actually picturing what sex may look like, and the shock of the picture may not register as “this is what Mommy and Daddy were talking about when they told me that’s where babies came from.”
So try a similar approach as above, with a few modifications: “Remember how we told you that married people like to touch each other? Well, that’s what that is, but it’s something special between married people, and I am so sorry that I left that where you could see it.”
I like this mom’s idea of substituting another image…
If your child is very upset, I really like this mom’s idea of thinking about a great picture and conjuring that up whenever you think about the sex photo. I think that’s very creative!
Pray that God will protect your child’s mind
Kids really can forget images! It doesn’t have to affect them for a long time or scar them for life. It really doesn’t. So just pray God’s protection over their minds, and pray for peace for yourself, because you’ll need it! (and I know it may be hard to sleep for a while after that!).
What should you do if your child inadvertently sees explicit photos? Some strategies!Click To Tweet
What if your child inadvertently sees porn?
We’ve been talking about kids seeing personal pictures, but let’s face it: Kids can also be doing absolutely nothing wrong online and come across some really pornographic images.
When my kids were about 10-12, I remember watching some Agatha Christie Miss Marple movies with them. Agatha Christie, people! That’s safe, right?
Apparently not. We were watching A Pocketful of Rye, and right in the middle of it, with no warning, is a scene of a couple having sex in not exactly the missionary position. You couldn’t see body parts, but it was obvious what they were doing. It was only about a 5 second clip, but boy was it jarring. I had to hit pause really quickly and say to the girls, “Okay, let’s just ignore that! That really shouldn’t have been there.”
I also remember when Katie was 13 having an incident with a Facebook group she was part of. It was one of these groups for Christian girls about how beauty is on the inside, and tell each other we’re beautiful, etc. etc. Pretty harmless stuff. A bunch of teen girls that she knew had joined, so she joined.
The group had 125,000 members.
Well, somebody decided to post some extremely graphic disgusting porn pictures on that group’s wall. I saw them; Katie hadn’t. So I made Katie remove it from her profile, and all was “well”, I suppose.
But what it reinforced to me is that you can’t protect my kids from everything. Even when you think you’re taking a ton of precautions, stuff still gets through. That’s why I think it’s great to have Covenant Eyes filters on your computers, tablets, and devices, to reduce the risk that they’ll inadvertently come across something. (And when you sign up with Covenant Eyes, and use the coupon code TLHV, you get a month free!)
It’s also just important, though, to keep the lines of communication open about sex, certainly at least by the time the kids are 10, so that they understand that sometimes they may see naked pictures, and what to do when they come across it.
If you’re struggling with talking with your daughters about sex, be sure to check out The Whole Story: Not-So-Awkward Talks on Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up! It’s a video based course where MY DAUGHTERS (aged 20 & 22) explain the facts of life and body changes and social changes to your daughters, aged 10-15, and then discussion questions and mother-daughter activities help to solidify the lessons.
So after that totally cringe-worthy question, I’d love to hear some wisdom from you! Did this ever happen to you and your kids? Or did you ever see your parents in a compromising position? Any words of wisdom for us? Let’s talk in the comments!
November 3, 2017
Setting Boundaries with Your Aging Parents–Because You Can’t Do Everything!
Okay, last week I wrote a post on a whim about how parents should really try to help their adult children who will be caring for them one day, by moving closer, getting rid of stuff, and creating a life of their own so they’re not totally dependent on their kids.
Wow. Rarely have I ever written a post that’s generated so many reader stories and comments! This one obviously hit really close to home. And with Thanksgiving (American Thanksgiving, that is) and Christmas just around the corner, we’re starting to think more about extended families and in-laws. So I thought I’d take the next few Fridays (except for my Fight the Frump week that’s coming!) and talk about a few more issues that that article raised.
So let’s start with a super good one: How much is it reasonable to expect that you will do for aging parents?
Before I can answer that, let’s go back to first principles about what God wants from us. One frequent commenter, E, asked me to lay some of these out, and I think that’s a great idea!
Biblical Principles About Caring for Relatives
Our primary responsibility on earth is to our families
1 Timothy 5:8 says:
Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.
We are to honour and respect and care for our parents; Jesus even rebuked the Pharisees for giving money to the temple that they should have been using to care for their parents! (Mark 7-9-13).
We are to help each other
Paul writes in Galatians 6:2,
Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.
However, we are also to be responsible for ourselves.
Paul then writes later in Galatians 6:5,
for each one should carry their own load.
Here’s what’s interesting about “load” vs. “burden”: In the Greek, a “load” is something that someone should be expected to carry by themselves. A burden is something which is too heavy for one person to bear.
What do these three principles say when you put them all together?
First, all of us are responsible to do for ourselves what we can do for ourselves. Nevertheless, people will have burdens that they will need help with. When that happens, we are responsible first to care for the burdens in our own families before we try to carry the burdens of others.
What does the Bible say about what we owe our aging parents? 3 Big Principles: Click To Tweet
Keeping that in mind, then, let’s look at a scenario that was left in the comments with last week’s post:
My in-laws are aging and live in an old home that they are constantly working on. Trouble is, they don’t have the stamina or ability to do as much as they once could. They often mention having my husband come drive the hour and a half to help. But we have our own old farmhouse that needs attention, and multiple young kids who crave time with their Dad when he is not at work! And then there is time to try and connect in our marriage, extra curriculars for kids ( we only have one car) and church obligations. Not to mention we don’t have family who are willing to babysit our kids for a few hours so we can actually go on a date or something. I feel so unchristian but I get so frustrated at the expectation that my husband should be there to help when they are doing things that they are not as capable doing anymore that are not necessities. And the downsizing is key too. We have talked at length at how in the world we are ever going to deal with all the stuff eventually. And as a one, lower income family trying hard to make smart financial decisions, this kind of stuff keeps us up at night. We are often the ones expected to travel for every holiday too to various family members. The gas costs are often a stress for us. We never do live up to the expectations imposed on us and I sometimes wonder if God is so very disappointed in us and thinks we are selfish. [image error]
November 2, 2017
Do We Try too Hard to Rush Forgiveness?
Here’s what I see too often happening: Someone is hurt very badly by someone else. Maybe it is sexual abuse; maybe it is some other form of abuse; maybe it is a major betrayal (like an affair). They are then told that the only way to heal is to forgive. In fact, God demands that they forgive. If they don’t forgive, then God can’t forgive them.
Suddenly the person who has been the victim is now the person in the wrong, because they are still struggling to forgive. So God must be mad at them. Not only do they feel distant from God because of the hurt; now guilt pushes them away from God, too.
I’ve been thinking a lot about forgiveness lately for two reasons, and allow me to share a bit of a stream of consciousness post on something God’s been showing me.
First, let me take you back to my teenage years.
I struggled a lot in my teen years with forgiving my dad for leaving us and for really having very little to do with me as I grew up.
(I saw him a week a year; several years he was too busy to do even that). I would read all of these books on how I needed to forgive, and I would pray all the time about being able to forgive him, and it never seemed to work. Whenever I saw him I would get stomach pains.
It got worse when my children were born and I realized what an all-consuming love I felt for them. I couldn’t bear to be away from them.
Why did my dad not feel that way about me? Sometimes he would visit for a few hours when he had a stopover in Toronto on his way to a conference, and he’d ask if I could bring the kids to the airport to see him. And my stomach would ache for several weeks afterwards.
When Katie was 2 we moved to a small town and I started attending a women’s Bible study. For the first time I did really in-depth studies of several Scriptural themes. I started teaching some of the studies. Our marriage was getting super strong, and I loved being with my kids. And one day my dad came to visit, and I realized that I hadn’t been angry and my stomach hadn’t hurt. Somehow, in all of those Bible studies, I had managed to forgive him without really trying. Instead of crying and praying about forgiveness, I had spent several years just focused on Jesus. And He changed me.
I learned from that the truth that whatever we focus on expands. When we stare at the hurts in our lives, it’s very hard to get over them. When we focus on Jesus, it’s often much easier.
None of this is meant to say that we should not seek counselling for big hurts; I think that’s a very necessary step. It’s just that we should also seek to simply know God. When we grow in Christ, He changes us, and that enables us to forgive.
When my dad died 10 days ago, I was able to spend his last days with him with no anger and no bitterness.
I was changed a long time ago. And that really was a wonderful gift.
Now here’s part 2. This week I went on a bit of a rabbit trail on the web and I did some reading on the abuse that many missionary kids suffered in boarding schools throughout the world from the 1940s to the 1990s. I grew up with some missionary kids who went to boarding schools; I know that not all of those kids have done wonderfully as adults. There was a lot of hurt. I watched the documentary All God’s Children, which you can watch free on YouTube (Start here; the documentary is divided into 10 videos that are all on this channel). It’s about the horrendous abuse suffered by children as young as 6 who were sent to the Mamou boarding school in Guinea for 9 months at a time each year. Decades later the denomination was finally forced to acknowledge what had happened there.
On a website started by missionary kid survivors of abuse, I read something very insightful about forgiveness. Talking about a Columbia Theological Seminary professor John Patton’s work, the article writes:
He sees this process of forgiveness as something that we discover has “happened” in our lives over time, rather than being forced or just a decision we make. Perhaps forgiveness is a by-product of healing, rather than being the source of healing.
Read that again, because it’s brilliant. Seriously. “Perhaps forgiveness is a by-product of healing, rather than being the source of healing.”
Forgiveness doesn't always cause healing; sometimes healing allows forgiveness.Click To Tweet
And it’s just what occurred with me. One day I woke up and realized that forgiveness had “happened” within me. And it had happened because I had been healed.
As we know God more and focus on Him more, He changes us on the inside.
As we learn more of God’s character, we realize that He is angry about the abuse, betrayal, and abandonment too. We see that God understands.
As we learn that God understands, we also learn that He cries with us, and that we were never alone.
As we understand that we are not alone, and that we are deeply valued by God, we allow God to start defining who we are, and we stop giving that power to others.
As we are able to see ourselves as precious to God, we become more confident. We stop looking inward and start looking outward. Our lives become bigger. The hurt is no longer the focus of our lives.
And as the hurt is not the focus, we find it easier to look at it, and let it go. We have something else to live for now.
Yes, forgiveness is a choice we that we do make. Yes, we need to decide to turn away from bitterness. But rushing this process BEFORE we have truly gone to God and made these realizations simply buries pain.
You can't rush forgiveness. Sometimes God needs to do a work of healing first as we surrender.Click To Tweet
It’s like when the Duggars announced so loudly that their daughters had forgiven Josh for his sexual abuse right away, way back when they were 6. Some elements of the church have no real concept of what forgiveness looks like, and how it is linked with healing. We can’t magically say the words “I forgive you” and then be healed; we have to allow the healing process, through humility, before the forgiveness truly happens.
Here’s how I think the process works: No matter what the pain, healing happens when our mind and our spirit is able to see the event with the same perspective that God does, when we develop “the mind of Christ”. Having our mind see it in God’s way is an act of will on our part; having our spirit sense it the same way is an act of healing on God’s part. It’s not really about just saying “I’m not going to hold this against you.” It’s about the WHY:
“The reason I’m not holding this against you is because I see the incident now the way that God does; I see that God was angry. I see that I was not alone. I see that there is justice. I see that Jesus paid for the sin that was done. I see that I am precious to God, and that it is God who defines my worth, not this thing that was done to me. Because I choose to see with a bigger perspective, I am now able to forgive you.”
Yes, there’s an act of the will, but forgiveness ultimately happens because we change our perspective and see as God does.
Forgiveness ultimately happens because we change our perspective & see the event as God does.Click To Tweet
I wanted to forgive my dad as a teenager. I wanted to let go of bitterness. And I think that act of the will was important.
But I also don’t think I was able until I grew in Christ. And maybe if we adopted that more nuanced understanding, we would stop rushing victims of abuse and asking wives of porn addicts and wives whose husbands had affairs to forgive, and stop heaping guilt on already broken people, and instead help them see their value in Christ. Help them see with God’s eyes. And then forgiveness is something you will discover has actually already happened.
What do you think? Is this fair to say? I thought that was such a big insight when I read it that I sent it to a bunch of other bloggers who deal with difficult marriages! So let’s talk: what does forgiveness mean to you?
November 1, 2017
Wifey Wednesday: Is That All He Ever Thinks About?
Today for Wifey Wednesday I thought I’d get back to basics and tackle a question I get a lot–is sex the only thing that’s important to husbands?
Now, I know that for many women, husbands’ low libido is a huge problem. And if that’s your marriage, this series on why your husband doesn’t want to have sex is likely a better one for you.
But for every woman who has ever asked, “is that all he ever thinks about?”, I thought we’d tackle this today!
One woman wrote to me:
After several years of marriage, it just occurred to me that I wasn’t interested in sex anymore because it never seemed to be about love, but only him having an orgasm. It is very sad that the only thing that matters about me is him being able to have sex with me. If I don’t have sex, then he doesn’t love me. I am convinced that sex is the only thing that matters to a man. Therefore, I am worth nothing more than my ability to sexually satisfy a man. That’s a horrible truth that has been too hard for me to bear and I decided to just stop being intimate. Being a woman is like winning some kind of anti-lottery. You’re worth absolutely nothing.
Can you feel how much pain she’s in? I sure can. And I totally feel for her, so today I really want to talk to women like her.
First, let me say that sixteen years ago I could have written that paragraph myself. I was so disenchanted with sex, and it seemed like it was wrecking my marriage because Keith wanted it and I didn’t, and all we seemed to do was fight over it. It was terrible. And I couldn’t see what all the fuss was about. It really seemed like God made sex just for men, and then He told us women that we had to do it if we’re married, almost like it’s legal prostitution.
I know that sounds harsh, but I’m saying it just to give any women out there in a similar boat encouragement. I truly do understand.
When I was going through this I read a few Christian books about sex that told me how I had to for my husband, and how it was this beautiful thing, and I thought the authors were off their rockers. I was so angry when I read them, and since I happened to be in the bath at the time (that’s where I read most of my books), I ended up drowning them, good and dead.
But I don’t feel like that now, and so I want to focus this post on how I overcame that.
First, though, I do want to acknowledge that some women are in relationships with men who truly ARE only interested in women to use them. They treat their wives like sex objects. That is unacceptable. Sometimes the way that we talk about men’s sexual needs, though, makes it sound like God does want women to be sex objects, which is why I wrote a series in June asking us to talk about men’s sexuality in a different way.
So if your husband truly is using you, and honestly doesn’t care anything for you EXCEPT what you give him in bed, then please go back and read my series from June on healthy sexuality.
However, many of us truly feel that husbands only think about one thing–when we also know deep down that husbands do love us.
It’s just that sex seems to be the catalyst for so many problems in marriage. The tension is pulling us apart. I know what happened in my marriage is that I totally misunderstood what was going on in Keith’s head, and a lot of it was fuelled by what I believed the church was telling me about sex. Keith definitely wanted sex a lot, and so I would “let” him (though I just couldn’t get into it). This created a cycle where Keith wanted sex even more, because what he really needed wasn’t release; it was intimacy. He needed to feel like we were experiencing something together, and I didn’t like it.
He wants sex & you don't. You resent it. He gets scared and wants it more! Break that cycle.Click To Tweet
So he was desperate to feel loved, and at the same time I saw sex as something more and more negative. I’d hear how men need sex, and I had to “do it”, but that made me so angry. And then Keith would pull away because I didn’t seem to be trying to connect. It was just a big, huge mess. It wasn’t that Keith didn’t care about me feeling good at all; it was that I believed he didn’t care because I was so angry and hurt that I couldn’t see beyond it.
Are you at a mess when it comes to your sex life, too?
Let’s take a step back, then. Let’s stop looking at sex as an obligation for a minute and get out of this anger cycle, and let’s go back to first principles.
Let’s say you’ve been told your whole life that something is good. That something is amazing. That something is earth shattering. And then you experience it, and it seems not that good. It’s boring, it’s a lot of work, and it’s a little degrading. What do you do?
At this point you have two choices. You can decide to forget about it, and just believe the rest of the world is totally deluded, or you can take a deep breath and say, “I must be missing something. Why don’t I put some effort into this so I can figure out what it is I’m missing, because I’d really like to be deliriously happy like everyone else seems to be, too.”
The second approach is better, but it’s hard to get to because it requires seeing past your own feelings. Sometimes, though, that’s the only way forward.
When you’re in a car accident, you have to go through physical therapy to learn to walk again. It seems hopeless. It seems like you may never make progress. But you do it because you know it’s worth it.
In this case, you may not know it’s worth it because you’ve never experienced how great sex can be. Instead it seems to cause tension between you and your husband. But trust me, if you put the work in, you can come out on the other side. Don’t settle for a lousy sex life, or no sex life at all. It can be better. It really can! Rather than growing resentful and angry and starting this negative cycle, see beyond it.
Sometimes we settle for a lousy sex life because we honestly can't see how it can be good.Click To Tweet
If that’s all he thinks about, then doesn’t that make him an animal?
There’s another problem with the way this woman is thinking, though (again, assuming that abuse is not a factor in her letter). It’s not just that she finds it impossible to believe that sex can be good. It’s that she seems her husband as somehow animalistic.
This woman seems very angry at her husband because he wants it so much. He basically seems like a beast in her eyes, because all he wants is physical release. And if that’s how he actually experiences love, then that’s pathetic.
Again, these are extremely common feelings for women, and it’s exactly what I felt. When sex isn’t that great for you, and he’s so focused on it, then there does seem something rather infantile about our him. Our husbands have no self-control. They’re so immature. They haven’t risen above their physical needs the way we have.
But here’s where you really have to step outside of yourself for a minute. Assuming that your husband is not a controlling, narcissistic man, then your husband honestly does need sex in a way that you don’t, and THIS ISN’T WRONG. I know it feels wrong to you, but it truly isn’t. In the middle of all that tension in our marriage, I truly didn’t understand that Keith’s biggest need was not for sexual release; it was for connection. And when he wasn’t getting it, it just made him want sex even more to try to reassure him that I did love him. And that pushed me away even more. And it got worse and worse.
Part of the problem, I think, is that I also didn’t understand what sexual passion looked like.
I think we women need to let go a little bit. We like being in control and sex, when it’s good, makes us very vulnerable and very open. I think that’s part of what can repel some women, because it doesn’t seem quite proper. But we’re not supposed to be proper all the time. And God created sex as a passionate expression of how He feels about us. If you’re never experienced that when you’re making love, you need to.
So here’s what I would say: with women, our feelings usually follow our minds.
If you’re telling yourself that sex is silly at best and degrading at worst, that it is all for him, and that he is an animal for wanting it that much, you will never be in the mood.
If, on the other hand, you tell yourself:
Sex is great, and one day I will experience it the way it’s supposed to,
then you may start to get in the mood!
Start believing that sex can be wonderful. Start believing that one day you will get there. Start believing that God actually made it for you, too.
And then talk to your husband about it. Tell him that you do want it to be good, you just can’t see how right now. But that’s where you’re aiming for.
Then, if you want to move forward and get past this tension, I have two resources for you. The first is my Boost Your Libido course, a 10-module video based course that helps you understand female libido–and start to actually increase it! It’s written so that you can start to see immediate results, even after the first video, and everything else just builds on there. What many women have said after video 1 is that they’ve had a huge breakthrough and they get it now. They just didn’t see what libido really looked like for women!
It’s a super fun course, and I wrote it for women who want so much more out of their sex lives, and don’t want to settle for less. Check it out here!
Then there’s my 31 Days to Great Sex challenge. These really go great together–start Boost Your Libido, and then a few weeks later start 31 Days with your husband! But it’s a series of exercises you do together that help you move towards great sex. Sure, some of the exercises are super spicy! But many of them help you talk about sex for real for the first time; help you to understand how each other sees sex and what you need; help you to learn to be more affectionate, to flirt more, even to figure out what feels good! And I’ve kept the ebook price super inexpensive so that it can help so many couples.
I let myself believe a lot of wrong things about sex for so long, and it put a real wedge in our relationship. It fuelled a lot of anger and disenchantment, and made me see Keith in the totally wrong way. One of my big goals for this blog is that I can help couples avoid that. And it starts by changing how we’re thinking. Stop focusing on your feelings, and focus on what you know is true. That’s the key!
Now let me know in the comments: Do you understand this woman’s perspective? Do you ever feel like sex is only about his release? What can we do about that?
October 31, 2017
10 Ways Hollywood Warps our Expectations about Sex
It’s Hallowe’en, and so I thought it was a great day to devote Top 10 Tuesday to something that gives us the serious heebie-geebies: Hollywood. It’s a scary place! And it does scary things to our sex lives.
So I thought today we could look at 10 ways Hollywood warps our expectations about sex:
10 Ways Hollywood TOTALLY warps our expectations about sex!Click To Tweet
1. She Looks Like a Supermodel
Did you know that forensic scientists are always drop dead gorgeous? And they show up to work in heels and with a ton of mascara. I obviously chose the wrong profession.
Everybody in Hollywood looks perfect. You wouldn’t be in Hollywood if you didn’t look perfect! But look around at the people that you know in real life. We aren’t that beautiful a bunch. Most of us are just pretty normal.
What We Feel: It’s easy to think that you can’t be sexy if you have a tummy at all. Have you ever looked down at yourself post-baby and just thought, “I’m ugly now”? Most of us have, because most of us have tummies. That’s because we’re WOMEN. Hollywood tells us that flawless is sexy, and so it’s easy to believe that if we have flaws, we therefore aren’t sexy. And when we don’t feel sexy, we often shut down. Don’t let Hollywood shut you down! Hollywood’s not worth it. (Do we really want to give the world of alleged predators like Harvey Weinstein and Kevin Spacey power to make us feel not good enough?)
2. He Looks Like an Adonis
And it’s not just women. Every man in Hollywood has a six pack. And they don’t age, either! I remember when we were homeschooling watching the 60s movie To Kill a Mockingbird with my girls. It was awesome. Gregory Peck, who played Atticus Fitch, was 46 years old when he acted in it. And he looked pretty normal. We watched it in 2011, when Brad Pitt was 48. But Brad Pitt easily looked 15 years younger.
What we Feel: Men aren’t supposed to be distinguished anymore; they’re supposed to be sexy. That can warp how we see attraction to our husbands, too!
3. The Women Always Have Libidos Through the Roof
Women want sex. All the time. They want it just as much as men do. We have whole shows dedicated to this: Sex and the City, Jersey Shore.
What We Feel: Watch this long enough, and many women start to worry that they’re frigid. If you’re not panting and on the prowl, are you therefore undersexed? Nope. Most women’s desire and arousal doesn’t actually kick in until you’ve started to make love. While some women have really high sex drives, many women just don’t. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t enjoy making love anyway! If you throw yourself into it, and believe your body will follow, it likely will.
If, on the other hand, you believe Hollywood and you’re waiting until you’re completely turned on to have sex, you may be waiting a long time.
4. The Men Always Have Libidos Through the Roof
Men are sex obsessed. Every man is thinking about sex all the time. Whether it’s the nerds in The Big Bang Theory or the detectives in Law & Order, they’re all out to “get some”.
What We Feel: About 30% of women have the higher sex drive in their marriages. And if you’re that woman, it’s easy to figure, “I must be really, really undesirable.” Because every other guy is sex obsessed except for mine!
But what if it’s not true? What if not every guy IS sex obsessed? Then perhaps we wouldn’t feel so rejected. If your husband doesn’t want sex, you’re not alone! In the research I did for The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, I found that in about 25-30% of marriages the woman has the higher sex drive. I have a four-part series on dealing with husbands with low libidos that may help you.
Can The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex Help Me?
Are you struggling with achieving intimacy when you both have different libidos?In The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex I explain how God made sex to be more than just physical–it’s also emotional and spiritual, too. But when sex doesn’t work well in marriage, it can leave us feeling really lonely.
If you’re lost and feel alone, I hope I can help. In the book, I talk about how to discuss your libido differences with your spouse, and what to do to feel more intimate and find sex great–together!
Consider it the most fun research project you’ll ever do.
5. Porn is Fun! (Not!)
When characters on sitcoms watch porn, it’s usually something to laugh about. Sometimes couples watch it together, in the hopes of getting aroused together. Or the guys watch porn on poker night. It’s just a natural part o
f life.
What We Feel: Then, when your husband watches porn and tells you “everybody does it”, you wonder, “am I a prude for thinking this is wrong?” And porn wrecks marriages. Porn isn’t harmless. It causes us to fantasize, to dissociate, to not be able to get aroused by a person but only an image. It causes people to turn to porn instead of each other, and soon takes away desire for your spouse almost entirely. It’s selfish. It’s evil. And it’s exploitative. A marriage will steadily go downhill if one or both partners watch porn.
If you want to get a handle on porn in your marriage, and protect your kids in the process, Covenant Eyes is a great resource. Use the code TLHV to get your first month free!
6. Marriage is Boring
Back in the 1990s my husband and I used to watch Friends. I thought Chandler was just hilarious. But one night, after a particularly raunchy episode, we realized we were essentially watching a show about people jumping into bed with one another. And we stopped.
In Hollywood, the hottest sex scenes usually occur the FIRST time a couple falls into bed. It’s that conquest that makes it so arousing. And so most shows revolve around winning a new person to go to bed with. Marriage, where you past that “first” time decades ago, is awfully boring.
What We Feel: Sex needs to be new, and fresh, and exciting! And marriage is the opposite of all of that. We start to feel like we’re missing out on something, and that all we have is the boring leftovers. The reason we’re not satisfied, we think, must be because we’re with the same partner who doesn’t know how to turn us on. In reality, though, the best sex is between married people–and not even newlyweds! In my research for The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, I found that the best years for sex in marriage were between years 16-20. So sex isn’t boring–practice is actually far sexier than conquests!
Hollywood portrays sex in marriage as the most boring kind. Research & studies show otherwise!Click To Tweet
7. Sex is Best When You Play the Field
Sex is better with practice, says our media. You can’t expect to know what to do unless you practice with a bunch of people!
What We Feel: We won’t know if we’re sexually compatible unless we have sex before marriage. We forget that sex is also truly intimate, and it’s the intimacy that gives sex power. You don’t have to know how to please everyone in the world; you just have to study your spouse, and you can do that in marriage.
8. Sex Has No Repercussions
People drop into bed easily in movies and TV shows, and then the next day go on their merry way, treating the whole thing “like adults”. It doesn’t have to affect anything; it’s just a fun one-night stand. You don’t see broken hearts, or people who have trouble getting rid of sexual baggage from past relationships. You very rarely see people struggling with STDs. Sex is treated as a simple recreational activity–almost like you use each other as sex toys for your own enjoyment, with no commitment.
What We Feel: Many of us DO struggle with sexual baggage. We do struggle with jealousy over our husband’s past lovers. We expect sex to be easy, and we’re not prepared for the mind games and the guilt and shame that can come afterwards if we have sex with multiple partners. It’s sad, because our media is really cheapening sex and taking the power out of it.
Treat sex like a recreational activity with no repercussions, and we lose the power of intimacy.Click To Tweet
9. Foreplay is Unnecessary
Most women require a LOT of foreplay to become aroused enough to enjoy making love. Many women require a lot of touching to even reach climax. But on the screen, people grope and kiss and within less than two minutes the clothes are off and the bodies are joined. No one ever gropes around to find just the right body parts to caress. No one ever has to ask, “is this the right place?” They automatically know, and everybody automatically feels amazing.
What We Feel: If simply ripping clothes off isn’t enough to arouse us, then we start to wonder if there’s something wrong. And we feel weird and uncomfortable asking our husbands for more foreplay, because it honestly looks like NO ONE ELSE NEEDS IT. We’re the freaks. And you start to think everyone else must be way more sexually responsive than you are, because two minutes of groping does nothing for you.
10. The Couple Always Reaches the Big “O” Simultaneously
No one ever struggles with making sex feel good. From the very first time (in movies like The Notebook), women experience absolute bliss. And the bliss is perfectly timed, too! There’s no “making sure she feels good” first. There’s no struggling with how to reach the Big “O” at all! It’s just absolutely easy and natural.
What We Feel: No wonder so many new brides feel like there’s something wrong with their bodies! Look, ladies: most women do not experience simultaneous orgasm. They don’t. That’s not to say it isn’t possible; it’s just that it’s not terribly common. And in my surveys for The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, only about 60% of women “usually” or “always” experienced orgasm during intercourse at all. Most of the rest reached it some other way, and that’s perfectly fine.
It’s great to aim for the stars, and here’s a post that can help you do that. But you are not a freak if things don’t come easily!
I can think of tons of other unrealistic portrayals–no one ever has morning breath, no one ever goes to the bathroom afterwards, no one ever is freezing so they have to wear flannel.
But these ones about marriage being boring, porn being arousing, men wanting it all the time, and women responding easily and rapidly really distort how sex works for most people. And it distorts how God made sex to work! You were made so that your body takes longer to heat up. You were made so that in order for sex to feel good for both of you, you have to have a lot of communication. You have to know each other well. You have to be able to be vulnerable. And it isn’t automatic, and that’s perfectly okay.
It is not you that’s messed up when it comes to sex; it’s Hollywood!
Stop letting the media tell us what great sex is. It's not YOU that's messed up; it's our media!Click To Tweet
So don’t take it as the baseline for what your sex life should be. And don’t worry what other people are experiencing, either! What matters is what you and your husband manage to work at together. If you’re happy, that’s great. And if you’re not happy, the answer likely isn’t to try to emulate Hollywood. It’s just to get to know yourself better, know your husband better, and understand how and why God created sex.
Oh, and by the way: RELAX!
Now let me know in the comments: Any other lies Hollywood says that we believe about sex? Let’s talk about it on this S-C-A-R-Y day!
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October 30, 2017
Reader Question: How Do I Admit to Myself that I’m Being Abused?
October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, and before the month was over I wanted to share a letter that I recently received from a reader. Harvey Weinstein and other sexual harassment scandals have been all over the news lately, and one of the big questions people are asking is “why didn’t the women speak up earlier?” But the fact is that it is very, very hard to admit to yourself that you are being abused, or that you have been a victim. That’s difficult psychologically. And so instead we keep asking ourselves, what can I do better? How can I keep going?
Listen to this woman:
I’ve been married for 17 years. At first is was good, but over the last 5 years or so, things have gotten harder.
My husband has severe anxiety/depression problems and is on several medications. I have been yelled at so loudly that my eardrums hurt and been put down (sarcasm, joking: “girls can’t do anything right.”).
My husband wanted me to see his counselor because he wanted me to fix my issues with “passive/aggressiveness.” I was afraid to go because he had been seeing this counselor for a long time–years, so I went in expecting to be diminished more and to be told to submit more and accept it because that is what Biblical wives are supposed to do (that was the message my church was giving me.)
I was so stunned when the counselor said to me on the first meeting, “I am so glad you are here. You must be hurting so much.” I lost it then. I had thought that what I was experiencing was normal. The counselor helped me learn some coping mechanisms for dealing with the anger, for which I am thankful. The counselor also told my husband that some of the ways he was treating and my children were wrong and abusive. My husband did not like that word abusive and told me the counselor has been lying to him and me and my husband refuses to ever see another counselor ever again. My husband is also against me going to see one for myself.
We have recently moved to a new city due to a change of job for him. It’s good because it got us away from the church (my dad and my mother-in-law both said it was like a cult after visiting us a couple of times). I have two questions:
1) I was able to visit my family over Christmas two years ago. That was the first time I had seen many of them. Partly because of money (we live far away and plane tickets are expensive) and partly because my husband said they were a bad influence on me and I wasn’t allowed to visit them except once every 5 years.
I had to go across the country for some medical issues and my brother and dad came there to see me. My husband said that counted as part of the 5 years, so the clock started over. I was so sad. Anyway, with help from a friend I visited my family. They reminded me how much I am loved and I saw how sweet they treated each other. They encouraged me to set up a savings account for emergencies (my aunt said “in case he goes off the deep end.). My grandma passed away not long after that and I did set up a savings account in my name only. Since my husband does the taxes, I did end up telling him about it, but now he is furious (understandably) about it. He keeps telling me to use it to pay off a credit card, but I still feel like I should listen to my family, but am feeling guilty because I am not doing what he says. Is this okay to have my own emergency fund?
2) After being yelled at and having my oldest son yelled at, my desire for intimacy is almost zero. My counselor said this is normal for the type of situation I’ve been in. What has made it worse for me is I told my husband “no thank you” several times. There were a couple of times when I said no, but he would say that was sinning by not giving him what he needed and that it is my fault that he does pornography, he would say that my body is his and his is mine. I would feel guilted in to pleasing him, but would secretly cry afterwards because I had felt violated. I now cannot let him touch me because I just have bad memories. My question is, is it okay to say no for emotional reasons and how do I let myself let him touch me again because it is hurting our marriage more that I can’t get my mind past this?
First, I am so, so sorry that this woman is going through this. I can feel her pain.
And I want to echo what her counsellor said: Her husband is being abusive. I know that’s super hard to admit to yourself, but let’s lay it out today and look at the ways:
He yells to the extent that he hurts her.
Healthy people may occasionally lose their tempers, and certainly some cultures yell more than others! But healthy people do not yell as a rule, repeatedly, to this extent. This is wrong.
He puts her down and insults her and makes her feel like she is worthless.
A common factor in abuse is wearing the person down so that they feel as if they are stupid. That chips away at their self-esteem, so they feel as if they have no choice but to stay, because they aren’t smart enough or capable enough to function any other way. A healthy person builds up their spouse.
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. (Ephesians 4:29)
He refuses to accept blame for anything.
When the counselor confronted the husband and told him he was in the wrong, he stopped going to the counselor. That means that he isn’t willing to admit his own sin.
A wise child accepts a parent’s discipline; a mocker refuses to listen to correction. (Proverbs 13:1)
He controls who his wife is allowed to talk to and isolates her from other people who may challenge him.
Once he decided he didn’t like the counselor, then she couldn’t go, either–and he refused to let her seek out a different counselor.
He refuses to allow her to see her family, and puts limits on it (once every 5 years). That is classic behaviour of abusers. They don’t want their victims being able to hear the other side of the story, or get another perspective. They want to control that person.
He gravitates towards churches that are abusive and uses the Bible in abusive ways.
They were involved in a church which people whom this woman love describe as a “cult”. Unfortunately, there are some supposedly-Christian movements that treat women horribly, holding that the most important thing for a woman to do is to submit to her husband, rather than to follow God (in fact, they equate the two). Thus, to these teachers, abuse is not even a valid reason for divorce. Instead, God would honour the woman who is abused and will repay her for her suffering, so she’s just supposed to take it (Here’s a total take-down of that absolutely unbiblical argument that I wrote a few years ago: Submission does not mean lying down and taking it).
Then he uses Scripture to force his wife to agree with him and do things for him (like sex) without any obligation on his own part to love his wife. He is treating Scripture as a weapon, and that is called spiritual abuse. When we pull verses out to force people to do our will, completely absent from any obligation to love on our part, then we are not walking in Jesus’ steps, and we are not following God–even if we’re trying to sound pious by wrapping our words in Scripture.
He controls the money and refuses to allow her any financial independence
Another classic hallmark of abusive spouses is that they retain complete control of the money. That’s why it was so important that her family encouraged her to have an emergency fund–so that she could get out and take her son to safety if necessary. I’m sorry that she told him about the account. Yes, it’s okay to have this money, and PLEASE don’t give it to your husband to use for the credit cards.
He blames her for his pornography use
He cheats on her by using porn and blames her for it–saying that he wouldn’t need to do this if she had sex with him more. He is failing to take responsibility for his own sin.
He sees sex totally devoid of intimacy and love
He has made sex only about his own physical needs, and not about emotional needs or real intimacy. He has completely disregarded his wife’s feelings, and when you do this, you make sex only about you and ruin your spouse’s sexuality. In many ways, this is emotional rape.
I have written before on the question, “do you have to give your husband sexual favors“, and I think this applies here.
Those who believe that 1 Corinthians 7 means that a woman cannot refuse her husband no matter what are basically saying that marital rape cannot exist. That is completely and utterly wrong. They are the ones who are being sexually evil by taking something that God made to be beautiful and mutual and turning it into a selfish act. To distort something beautiful and make it evil is not the mark of God; it is the mark of the evil one. And Satan thrives on distorting sex, because it has such tremendous power to bring real intimacy and passion. So he works to ruin it as much as he can, especially by enticing Christians to frame sex in terms of men’s sexual needs.
If I may be so bold, she is asking the wrong questions. It is not how to make life better despite the abuse; it is what to do now.
She is asking two questions: is it okay for her to have her own money, and is it okay for her to not want to have sex? I don’t think those are the right questions. I think there’s a far more fundamental one, and it’s this:
Given what you know about your situation, can you admit to yourself that this is abuse?
It sounds as if she already knows that it is. Her counselor has told her. Her family has told her. She has believed her family enough that she started to save some money. She feels hurt and angry enough that she is distancing herself from her husband. She knows, at heart, that his treatment of her is wrong.
It's hard to admit to yourself that you're being abused. But you must confront reality.Click To Tweet
Maybe some of you are in the same abusive place right now.
You know that this isn’t a normal marital disagreement. This isn’t just about you two butting heads; this is about him trying to control you and not allowing you to have your own thoughts, feelings, and needs. In fact, any time you do have your own thought, feeling, or need, he makes you sound like the selfish one. He turns it on its head. And you start to question yourself again. Are you really selfish?
No, you’re not. You are a wonderful woman made in the image of God. That means that you are worth something. You were bought with a price. Jesus loved you enough that He died for you so that you could have a relationship with Him. You are precious. And He values you. He made you with your thoughts, personality, gifts and talents so that He could use you on this earth. You are important.
And He wants you to live a big and passionate life. That is God’s will for you.
I know that it’s hard to admit that this marriage, which is supposed to be the cornerstone of your life on earth, is abusive.
But look at the big picture. Ask, “is this relationship glorifying to God?” God is not glorified by us allowing ourselves to be hurt and stifled and insulted. God is not glorified when a marriage becomes an empty shell, and merely a vehicle for someone to exert their will over another human being. God is glorified when relationships reflect him. The marriage is not more important than the people in it.
God does not value your marriage more than the people in it. God hates abuse, too.Click To Tweet
If this has struck a chord with you, I invite you to read these three other important articles:
Submission Does Not Mean Taking Abuse
A Letter to the Woman with the Controlling Husband
What God Says about Abuse and Divorce
For Male Victims of Emotional Abuse
And then I’d point you to two amazing bloggers: Leslie Vernick and Natalie at Emotional Abuse Survivor. God wants you free.
If you are not being abused yourself, then please learn about what abuse looks like. We all have friends and family who are walking through this, and they likely need US to call it out, because they may not be able to do so themselves. When you’re not in an abusive marriage, it’s easy to assume that other people’s marital conflicts are just like yours: minor and only about specific things. But controlling behaviour isn’t like that. When you see it, speak up. Hold a friend’s hand help them cut through the fog and confront their issues.
Abuse is never okay, and it won’t stop until we all admit it exists, and call it out when we see it.
Have you ever walked through this in your marriage? Or do you have a friend or family member walking through it now? What did you do? Let’s talk about it in the comments!
October 27, 2017
Parents: You Owe Your Adult Children a Life
I’m still a little tired from our impromptu trip out west last week, and I’ve been thinking about something for a while now that I’d like to just say. It’s going to be a bit of a rant, and I may not sound very sympathetic. But I think this is important.
My in-laws looked after their 93-year-old neighbour for 18 years. She passed away a few weeks ago. She had no other family, and they stepped in, and did so much for her. I just flew out to be with my dad as he died. And I have so many friends who are caring for aging parents. Pretty much all of us, likely, will at some point have to look after our parents.
And that’s a good thing. We should care for them. But here’s the problem: Many of these parents don’t do things when they’re younger and they’re still able to to make life easier on their kids who will eventually have to care for them.
So I’d just like to put in a plea, on behalf of adult children of senior parents everywhere, that we make it the new normal that senior parents will adjust to their children’s lives. Please. It just isn’t fair otherwise. So here are a couple of thoughts I’ve been having.
3 ways seniors should make life easier on their adult children--BEFORE they need help:Click To Tweet
If you need adult children to care for you, then it’s incumbent on you to move to where your adult children are.
This may be controversial, but hear me out. I understand that a lot of people in their late 60s and early 70s love where they’re living, and have a ton of friends and a church community and a house that they cherish. But one day they’re going to need kids to care for them. And that is just too hard to do if you live on the other side of the country.
Sure, you may think that you’re totally self-sufficient now. And you may say to yourself, “that’s fine, I just won’t rely on my kids!”
But let’s get real. If you have a stroke and you’re in the hospital, you know that your child is going to have to fly out to be with you. And do people understand how hard that is to do if they have kids who also need them? Do we understand how expensive that is?
And then what if decisions about nursing homes and care facilities need to be made? What if your house needs to be packed up in a hurry? Who is going to do that? Your church family? Your friends? No, it’s going to have to be family. And that’s just a lot to ask of someone who is also raising small kids, or teens, or who has a job where it’s super hard to take a month off at a time.
Or let’s say you fall and break a wrist or a hip and you can’t care for yourself for a few weeks. Who is going to have to come and arrange things?
Even if seniors think they’re self-sufficient, eventually you need help. So I believe that you owe it to your kids to move near them, so that when you do need help, it’s easier on them. And you should move when you’re still young enough to make the adjustment and make new friends. It’s really only fair. It’s an awful lot to expect that kids will be able to drop everything and fly to you constantly. Or that they’ll make some 10-hour drive every other weekend.
I know a family where every weekend for five years was taken up with them having to take turns driving 6 hours to see the parents who desperately needed help but who wouldn’t move out of their house. That is just not fair to your adult children.
You owe it to your adult children to downsize and sort out your stuff
One day you will likely have to leave your home. And even if you don’t, and you die in your home, one day someone is going to have to sort through your house. Do you really want to leave that to your adult children?
When my mom moved into our house a year ago, she spent the year beforehand slowly purging stuff. It was hard! She didn’t realize how much she had. She was going from a house down to two rooms (plus a lot of storage space). She went from a walk in closet to a regular closet. Katie and I spent a day laying all of her clothes out on the bed, category by category (summer tops, winter tops, pants, etc.) and making her choose only a certain number of pieces. We were brutal. But Mom was also participating and laughing because she was still young enough to do so. And now she donates clothes all on her own, because she realizes how little she actually needs!
But she did that purging when she was still well.
Seniors: Your adult children will one day need to care for you. Make it easier for them!Click To Tweet
My mom as she was leaving her house for the last time before moving in with us.
I’m the executrix of my aunt’s estate, who has no kids, and she’s making sure that everything is in order and she isn’t leaving me with a huge mess to sort out (although she’s also young and healthy and awesome and unlikely to go for thirty years!). But she’s being responsible and kind.
It’s just kind to get your affairs in order. And it’s a lot easier to live with less stuff!
If you suddenly have to move into a nursing home or care facility, selling the house will be such a huge hassle, and will likely have to be done in a hurry, at the same time as kids are taking time off of work to help get you settled. Make it easier on them now, while you still can.
Please, for the sake of your kids, have a life
Yesterday my mom spent the morning on the phone with a missions agency, working out the details for our missions trip to a children’s home this August. She’s leading the trip with my husband. Then she took a load of stuff to the yard, brought a carload of donations over to a church for their rummage sale, went to her knitting group to knit with some friends, and collected some more yarn for donations, and then visited a friend from Kenya who just had a baby and has no family here, and bounced her baby for two hours. Mom’s the “adopted” grandmother to this young baby who was actually named after her; somehow my mother collects adopted grandchildren. She’s up to five so far (plus two biological ones).
My in-laws are similarly busy. Dad works very part-time helping out a friend with a business, plus they have a ton of friends. Mom likes to volunteer in the soup kitchen and likes to work out at the Y with the seniors’ groups. She also likes to walk at the rec centre with friends.
My in-laws hamming it up at the photo booth at Rebecca’s wedding
The point is that all of our three surviving parents do not rely on us for the fun or activity in their lives. Sure, they enjoy when we spend time with them, but they all have lives of their own. When you are lonely, or have few friends, or just stay in your home all the time, it puts a great strain on children. They feel as if they are your only support, and that’s very, very hard.
Most people caring for aging parents are in their 40s and 50s themselves. Many have teenagers. Many have very busy jobs. Many have volunteer activities that they love and that they feel called to. Most of us love our parents and want to help, but caring for parents can become an all-consuming thing, and I just don’t think that’s right. There is a season when parents’ needs will take all of our energy, and that’s okay. But that season should not last years, because adult children have lives they need to live, too.
Again, maybe I’m sounding mean, but I’ve just seen so many friends lose the joy in their lives because everything becomes about helping their parents–and their parents seem unwilling to make the burden lighter. When health issues get bad, often we get to a point where there’s nothing we can do to make the burden lighter. That’s why this all has to happen beforehand, before you get sick, before you need care, before you end up in the hospital. After all, sometimes illness impairs judgment, and even if you would never want to be an undue burden, once your judgment goes, you can’t make these changes. So make them while you are still well!
I want to be there for my mom and my in-laws when they need me. They are all wonderful people who have breathed so much into our lives. But I’ll tell you–I’m also ever so grateful that they all live in the same small town that we do, and that none of them is a hoarder (though my mother-in-law thinks she is because she has boxes in her closet. But she’s a neat freak and doesn’t understand that she’s actually pretty amazing). I’m ever so grateful that they all have social circles and lives of their own, so that they don’t rely on us. And I’m grateful that they would never want us to drop everything for them (even though we would).
That’s the way it should be. And I’ve put this in writing now, so when I’m older, my kids can hold me to it, too.
What do you think? Do seniors owe it to their adult children to make caring for them easier? Do you have a story to share? Let’s talk in the comments!
October 26, 2017
Sex and Friendship: Are They the Chicken and the Egg in Marriage?
That’s a great question, isn’t it? A while back I asked the awesome Christian sex blogger J from Hot, Holy and Humorous to give me her answer, and I’d like to share it with you today:
Sex and Friendship: It's like the chicken and the egg in marriage. Which is first?Click To Tweet
Ah, the chicken and the egg question! As a believer, I would note that chickens were created on Day 5…and then came the eggs. Similarly, plenty of Christians espouse that the great relationship comes first.
The common advice is that if you want wonderful intimacy in the marital bedroom, then invest in your relationship with your spouse. Husbands should thus help out around the house, shower their wives with appreciation and affection, and make quality time together a priority. Wives are instructed to respect and support their husbands, engage in recreational time with them, and attend to their own health and beauty.
I agree with those suggestions.
But there is a presumption at times that the sex life will fall into place once husbands and wives improve their relationship. Friendship, in this line of thinking, trumps sex.
Or that relationship must precede improvement in the bedroom.
Yet my own marriage story is that our quality physical intimacy helped us weather our relationship difficulties, hang in there, and work things out. A reader of my blog recently told her story to this effect, sharing that she and her husband tackled the sex area of their marriage first, talking honestly and making that a priority. Then she said, “The funny thing is, when THAT area of our life returned to what, I believe, God intended it to be, everything else in our marriage came together, as well. We communicate better, we laugh more and we talk more openly. Sex matters and God created sex for man and wife!”
So often, we wives hold off on making physical intimacy better because we want to see our relationship improve first.
Understandably, we don’t feel like having sex with a husband to whom we don’t feel close. I get that. I’ve been there. However, bear with me a moment while I throw out a different perspective.
God created all humans to be sexual beings, but our gender differences carry over into the bedroom. Men are typically more visual, more quickly aroused, and can reach climax almost every time. Even if you fought 10 minutes ago, if you then walk naked through the room, most hubbies will forget the argument and will desire you as much ever. (That’s not such a bad thing; my husband has forgotten quite a few my oops through nude persuasion.)
In addition, husbands are usually in-the-moment during sex. They are given over to the act of physical union with their wife. On top of that (and this is the kicker), at sexual climax, men experience a wash of Oxytocin—a body chemical that creates a sense of bonding. It is the same chemical that mothers secrete when their babies nurse at their breasts. Husbands BOND with their wives through sex.
Sex can thus provide some glue for your marriage, to keep your husband and you together while you work out the other stuff.
Indeed, if you are heatin’ it up in the bedroom, you are more motivated to get the other pieces of the marriage worked out to keep that fire burning.
Ideally, sex and friendship form a loop.
Ideally, in marriage sex and friendship form a loop that feed each other. Which are you feeding?Click To Tweet
Investing in the relationship makes you desire sex more, and then investing in sex makes you desire relationship more, and then investing in the relationship…and so on and so on.If this is true, then does it really matter where the ball gets rolling?
Mind you, I don’t think having great sex can salvage a sinking marriage. However, if you stop having sex in a sinking marriage, you may be giving yourselves one more reason to walk away. And if you focus on being there for physical intimacy with your husband, and communicate about your desire for and delight in him, you might find that this positivity helps improve the whole relationship.
If you stop having sex in a sinking marriage, you may give yourselves 1 more reason to walk away.Click To Tweet
Chicken? Egg? Who cares as long as there are hens in the coop and scrambled eggs for breakfast?
Want a great marriage? Put yourself into ALL of it–both sex and friendship:
Foster the friendship.
Learn your spouse’s love language and speak it.
Deal with tricky issues like finances, in-laws, and child rearing.
Practice the Fruit of the Spirit with your spouse – love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.
Pray for your husband and your relationship.
Work on having and improving sexual intimacy in your marriage.
For that last one, follow this blog (and follow mine: Hot, Holy & Humorous). Go through the 29 Days of Sex exercises and read her book The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex. Read the Song of Songs in the Bible and get inspired. Sit down and talk to your husband about your desire not only for a better relationship, but also better sexual intimacy. (See if he doesn’t perk up at the mention of that second one.) Pray about your specific situation.
Don’t wait for everything in your relationship to be perfect before you commit to having the marital intimacy God intended for you two to enjoy. Start today.
Don't wait for marriage to be perfect to commit to the marital intimacy God wants you to enjoy.Click To Tweet
J. Parker is a Christian, a wife, a mom, a writer, and a work in progress. She writes at Hot, Holy & Humorous, where she uses a biblical perspective and a blunt sense of humor to foster Christian sexuality in marriage.
She also co-hosts the awesome Sex Chat for Christian Wives, with a recent episode featuring ME talking about how to talk to your kids about sex & puberty. Listen in here!
And J is one of my favourite bloggers! So head on over and follow her.
Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!
Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually. If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.
October 25, 2017
Wifey Wednesday: How Do You Become One Flesh?
It’s Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! And today I want to talk about what “oneness” really means.
When we marry, inevitably this beautiful verse is read at the wedding:
And the man shall leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.
We all smile and gush, because now we are one flesh. Absolutely.
But here’s the problem: just because something is a spiritual fact doesn’t mean that we actually feel it.
When you're married, you become 'one flesh'. But then why don't we always feel it?Click To Tweet
Usually when I’m talking about “becoming one flesh” on this blog I’m talking about sex.
Sex is likely what I’m most known for, after all!
What Does Sheila Write About Sex?
I’ve written several books about sex–but the main one is The Good Girl’s Guide to great Sex.Billions of people have had sex.
I don’t know how many have really made love.
And in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex–I teach you how to do exactly that. I show how God intended sex to be intimate in three ways: spiritually, emotionally, AND physically. And I show you how to get there, too!
If you’ve struggled with figuring out what all the fuss is about, or you feel held back in marriage because you just can’t embrace your sexual side, then check out The Good Girl’s Guide!
You were meant for more.
But I want to talk about just general oneness for a moment, because I think too often this is something we’re missing. Now I know that many women have big issues with oneness because their husbands just don’t treat them well or value them as partners. I’ll be talking in a few days about domestic violence, too, since October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, and I know many of you are battling emotionally destructive marriages and physically destructive marriages.
That’s why it’s sometimes hard to write general marriage thoughts, because the things that apply to healthy marriages just don’t apply to unhealthy ones. And I don’t want any woman to ever feel like if she just is nice enough, she can change a controlling husband into a kind husband. It doesn’t work.
However, most of us aren’t in relationships like that. And for most of us, the obstacle to oneness isn’t a husband’s cruelty or indifference. It’s simply that we have different expectations and feelings, and we are allowing them to drive a wedge between us.
So let’s take a look at this dynamic that causes “becoming one flesh” to be so elusive.
Before we are married, we only have ourselves to worry about. We don’t have to consider another’s feelings; we make decisions with our own happiness in mind. I am the focus of my life.
At marriage, that feeling naturally continues. When we’re first married, we start to wonder, “is he making me happy?”, or “is he treating me well?”, or “is he acting like a good husband should?”. We’re new at this, so it’s only natural that we should question whether he’s doing what he’s supposed to. After all, we have images of what being the proper wife is, and we’re doing our best to live up to our end of the bargain, but is he holding up his end?
We’re focused on what he is doing, not what we are doing, because we’re used to giving ourselves a pass. We can always find reasons why it was okay for us not to be giving in that particular situation. We can always justify ourselves. But we rarely are so generous when it comes to accepting or excusing our husband’s transgressions.
I’m like this a lot! Last week, when we were in Vancouver for my dad’s passing, we had to navigate a city that we didn’t know well in a rental car. Now, Vancouver has really narrow streets. Super narrow. And you’re constantly having to change lanes to figure out one way streets, etc. I’ve written before how Keith and I just don’t drive well together–he wants to know directions long beforehand, and I’m not that great at reading maps or figuring out what the GPS is saying. And then he gets super grumpy. So there I was on Saturday as we were driving to the airport, and Keith asks for directions in a snappy way. So I decide I’m just going to shut up and not say anything and have him deal with my daughters. After all, it’s my dad who just died. He can at least not snap, right?
I mean, I would never do that.
But then I thought back to the night Rebecca and I arrived in Vancouver, and I did the exact same thing to her, snappiness and everything. I was all mad at Keith for doing something I do, too. And I decided that trying to get the moral high ground when we’re trying to catch a plane is likely not the best course of action.
This is a really common scenario, though. We notice when he does something wrong. But we don’t notice the exact same thing in ourselves, because we can justify it to ourselves.
Too often in marriage, we notice things he does wrong, but we ignore the same thing in ourselves.Click To Tweet
The other issue, I think, is a gender one. Deep inside we want him to make the first move. So if we feel like he’s not treating us appropriately, we may withdraw and wait for him to make it up.
What we don’t see is what he is feeling. Chances are he’s just as disillusioned as we are, because he had expectations going into the marriage, too, that aren’t being met.
And while this situation is quite typical for many newly married couples, whether or not it keeps going on is up to us.
Unfortunately, for many couples, this constant disappointment becomes the normal state. For decades this is how couples relate to each other: judgment, justification, resentment, withholding. It’s all about my feelings and my rights.
And so we face a choice. Our husbands will always disappoint us because they are not US. They don’t have the same opinions or values or expectations, so they can never live up to ours.
So are we going to continue this cycle, or are we going to truly become one?
Here is the key to turning on this “oneness” part of marriage: understand that his feelings are now your feelings. His cares are now your cares. His concerns are now your concerns. Spiritually, that is a fact. And when we recognize the spiritual fact, we can start to act on it. And when we act on it, we may eventually start to feel it.
He doesn’t need to justify his feelings; they are his feelings. And now that you are married, they should matter to you just as much as yours do.
It matters when he’s upset. Don’t try to get him to justify it or talk him out it; be concerned about it. Because when he’s upset, part of you is upset. It matters if he feels lonely or frustrated (or even sexually starved!), because that means you are lonely and frustrated, too. You are in this together.
If you can start putting as much weight on his feelings as you do yours, you’ll likely find that your marriage will improve exponentially.
When you start valuing his feelings and his opinion on things, he’s likely to reach out to you more. And as he reaches out to you, you are going to start feeling like one. It doesn’t happen overnight. And I’m not saying you should accept sin, or not confront him on things that are important. You certainly should not allow him to act in a controlling way or in an emotionally destructive way.
I’m only saying that in a healthy relationship, his viewpoint counts, and you need to give it the weight it deserves.
Then, and only then, will you begin to feel like you’re one.
The ball, I think, is in your court. If you want to feel like one, don’t wait for him to change. Take his feelings seriously. And you may just gain a whole new outlook on marriage!
If you don't truly feel like you're one in marriage, maybe you need to confront this one issue.Click To Tweet
What do you think? Is it hard to “become one” and start feeling like you’re one? Let’s talk in the comments!
Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!
Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually. If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.
October 24, 2017
Top 10 Ways to Get Your Husband to Go to the Doctor
A lot of guys just hate seeing a physician. In fact, that’s one of the reasons that researchers figure that married men live longer–their wives often push them to go, when otherwise they may never venture into the doctor’s office!
I know several men among our friend group who have prostate cancer right now, who are doing quite well because they caught it early. And I know one friend who died a few years ago because he waited to go the doctor, despite his stomach pains. And by then his undetected colon cancer was too far advanced. This stuff matters! When I asked on Facebook about tips to get your husband to go see the doctor, several wrote about how a melanoma was caught early, and now their husbands are healthy, because they went to get that freckle checked out.
Nevertheless, you really can’t MAKE someone do anything, and we shouldn’t treat husbands like children. Many men, though, have real phobias of seeing the doctor, and helping them overcome that can be the loving thing to do.
But I thought today I’d brainstorm 10 ways that you can encourage your husband to go to see a doctor, and stop putting it off. As a woman, I do find it funny that guys hate going, because we women are the ones who get our privacy invaded WAY more than guys do (how about that dreaded Pap smear?). Yet many guys avoid it, and that’s a shame, because catching heart conditions, blood pressure issues, diabetes, or even cancer early can have such a tremendous impact on people’s health!
In general, guys don’t need to go to the doctor every year until they’re 50, unless you have a specific health concern or specific family health issues. But if you do have a health concern, then the earlier you see the doctor, the better.
So let’s help our families get healthy. Whether it’s that your husband is simply due for a checkup, whether he’s been having some pain or discomfort, or whether you’re worried about depression or low libido, sometimes we all have issues that we need medical help for.
Here, then, are 10 ways to encourage your husband to go to the doctor–even if he hates the idea!
10 Ways to Encourage Your Husband to Go to the Doctor--Even if He's Scared!Click To Tweet
1. Have him take the kids to the doctor, and schedule his checkup at the same time.
Sometimes it’s easier to get him to see the doctor when it’s a family thing, rather than an individual thing. If you have kids, try booking their checkups all at the same time. Even book your own, too, and all go together!
2. Encourage him to make a pact with a friend
Don’t have kids, or does your husband not want to take time out to take the kids to the doctor? Then how about encouraging him to make a pact with a friend? Maybe you have a couple that you both like where the guy is also a little shy about going for a checkup. Guys will often step up the plate when they feel like it’s a competition or they don’t want to lose face. Challenge the husbands to make a pact!
3. Schedule health and dental checkups for his birthday every year, so it’s a routine
It’s often easier to do things if there’s a set routine to them. So if he has difficulty getting up the gumption to book himself a doctor’s visit, just make it a routine that you do all your checkups at the same time, every year–say around his birthday. Then it becomes less about having to make a decision each time, and more about a habit you’ve developed. It’s always easier to do habits than make decisions!
4. Create an incentive for him once he goes
When my daughter was studying for exams, she always found that she’d study harder if she was also giving herself a reward (“Once I’m finished studying three chapters, I get to watch one of my shows on Netflix”). Rewarding ourselves for a job well done is a great psychological tool! So what would incentivize your husband? Would it be taking a Saturday to play golf if he goes to the doctor? Buying a new tool or gadget he’s been wanting? Seeing a sports game? How about saying,
“Honey, I know you don’t want to do this, but I would so appreciate it if you went and had this checked out. So how about this? If you go to the doctor, I give you my full and complete blessing to….” (and you can fill in the blank).
5. Give him a reward yourself
Okay, I really don’t often recommend sex as a reward. I’m a big believer that sex should be a mutual thing in marriage, and a frequent and fun part of your marriage! But in this case, and as long as it’s done with humour, I think a sexual favour can go a long way.
