Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 125

3 Important (Yet Simple) Things You’re Forgetting in Your Marriage

More often than not, success in marriage comes down to the little things. The simple things. The things that are all too easily overlooked!

Leah Heffner from Life Around the Coffee Cup writes such great, accessible stuff on marriage, and today she joins us with this challenge to remember the importance of those little things! Here’s Leah:

Do you ever feel so forgetful?

I am definitely forgetful.

And call it mom brain or mental fog or any other name and the reality is – it’s easy for me to forget.

Forget where I put my phone. Forget to call my mother-in-law for her birthday (sorry, Dana). Forget to pay the water bill on time (thanks, Honey for running that into town).

And more than daily tasks, I forget the little things that build up my marriage.

I forget the little things that just came so naturally when we first got married and had just two people living in our house. I forget the little things that made his face light up and the butterflies take flight in my stomach. I forget the simple power of being thoughtful and intentional.

None of us mean to forget. But as life gets fuller the things that were so second nature take a back seat and then they become something we have to remember to do. And then it’s easy to forget.

When I get to be especially forgetful, I start giving myself reminders. Notes on the whiteboard or calendar. A home for my phone. Habits and routines that help me build muscle memory and remember things.

We can use this in our marriages, too. We can start small and build habits that have big impact in our day to day and moment to moment parts of marriage.

And like my phone, it’s sometimes the easily forgotten things that make the biggest impact.

Here are 3 important (yet simple) things you’re forgetting in your marriage…


Are you forgetting these 3 simple habits that can make your marriage awesome?Click To Tweet
1. Look him in the eyes

I used to spend hours just soaking in my husband when we were dating.

Then last year we went out for our anniversary and I saw new lines around his eyes and more grey at his temples and in his beard.

How had I missed this?!

I know we get interrupted a lot. Dinner looks a bit differently with 4 little ones at the table. And we’re tired.

But I can look up when he comes into the house or into a room. I can give him my attention with my whole self when he’s talking. I can put down my phone or turn off the TV to invite deeper conversation.

We all want so badly to feel seen and heard. Looking each other in the eyes is a great way to start growing this.

2. Touch Him

I know at the end of the day that many of us are feeling touched out or tired or both.

And for many of us, the physical aspects of our relationship feel harder when we aren’t in the habit of touching in small ways.

Hold his hand while you fall asleep. Give him a 10 second kiss when he comes home at night. Put your hand on his arm while he’s talking to you.

None of these have to lead to anything specifically.

But touching is one habit that definitely grows the more you do it. And the less you do it, the easier it is to not do it.

3. Be Thoughtful

Think of something your husband does every morning before work. Does he make coffee? Go for a run? Read or watch the news?

Now think of a way you can show him that you care through that normal, day-to-day task.

Get the coffee pot ready?

Put a note on his running shoes?

Hand him the paper while he eats breakfast?

A little thoughtfulness goes a long way in a marriage and will definitely brighten his day.

It’s the little habits!

So often when we look back over a lifetime together, it’s the big things we remember. The anniversaries and birthdays, the vacations and special events.

But what makes each of those big events so special? The relationships and people we share them with.

And relationships, specifically our marriages, simply cannot be built on big moments alone.

Think of something being built out of rocks. Big, beautiful stones coming together to create color and texture and pattern. But the rocks by themselves aren’t air or water tight. And it’s more likely they’ll fall.

To make the building stand for a long time, it needs something to fill in the cracks. The mortar makes the wall and structure stronger.

The mortar in our marriages is the little things – the moment to moment choices that solidify the structure.

It can be easy to forget how impactful these little things are. How much they build into our lives and our relationships.

And I think that can be especially true in our marriages. My husband, my closest neighbor, often gets what’s left over from me after kids and work and household chores suck so much out of me.

That’s why building habits is so important to me. I want to build strong walls and a lifetime of love and thoughtfulness that we can look back on.

It’s the little things in each day that have the biggest impact in our marriages.

If this is an area you want to grow in your marriage, and you’re ready to jump in, check out our new companion books called Intentional Love.

In Intentional Love: 31 Ways to Love Your Husband with Purpose and Intentional Love: 31 Ways to Love Your Wife with Purpose, my husband and I encourage you to build the simple habits that will have a lifetime of impact in your marriage.

Whether you’re in the thick of it, trying to figure out how to come up for air in a challenging season of marriage or you’re wanting to grow more in your already good season, Intentional Love walks you through building and maintaining thoughtful habits that will build into your marriage.

We’re also giving away 3 sets of Intentional Love this week! Just click here to enter the giveaway!

If you’re ready to build small habits to grow your marriage, Intentional Love will encourage and walk with you as you work on and implement these habits.

Which of the three things do you find yourself forgetting most easily? Let me know in the comments!

Leah is the wife to a sexy, beard-sporting, man of God and mom to a gaggle of cutie-pie-heads. She loves coffee, a good book binge, and encouraging other women.

The post 3 Important (Yet Simple) Things You’re Forgetting in Your Marriage appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Wifey Wednesday: Is It So Bad if Your Kids Know You “Do It”?

Will the world come to an end if your kids know you have sex?

It’s Wednesday, the day when we always talk marriage here at To Love, Honor and Vacuum! And for the last few weeks my girls and I have been working on a really exciting project. We’ve been creating an online video based course called The Whole Story: Not-So-Awkward Talks about Sex, Puberty, and Growing Up for moms to share with their daughters (there’s one version for girls aged 10-12 and one for girls aged roughly 13-15). It’s hard talking to your kids about sex, so here’s a resource that starts the conversation in a non-intimidating manner, and then you can finish it! My girls will be doing the videos, and then we’ll have tons of discussion questions, activities, etc for you all to do together. And if all goes as planned, it will launch next Monday!

Anyway, as I was getting the course ready I thought I’d just take a poll of all the people who get my Friday roundup email (are you subscribed yet?), and ask them what they thought the hardest part about talking to your kids about puberty and sex was.

I gave four options, but also asked for people to just write me and tell me what they felt.

And the overwhelming response was something I never even thought of. Didn’t even occur to me (so I’m glad I asked!). Most people said a version of:

I’m just scared of having them know what we’re doing!

So I thought–maybe we should talk about that together on the blog.

Are you ready?

Why are we so scared of our kids knowing we have sex?

Is that what it really comes down to–that we’re scared that since they know what we’re doing, they’ll see us differently?

Here’s what some people wrote to me:

my biggest fear is them getting freaked out by it and thinking of us differently when they learn not just what sex is but that their parents actually do it. And how we should deal with those questions that stop being general and start being personal and closer to home.

Okay–one thing. Kids are very unlikely to ask you specifics about your sex life! It may happen sometimes, but very few will. And if they ask for specifics, it’s okay to say that that’s just between you and your dad! So don’t let that throw you off.

And another mom expressed something similar:

One of the biggest reasons I still haven’t had the talk with my kids (7 & 9) is that they’ll know what we’re up to when we close our door or shower together, etc. Its just completely embarrassing, plus I hate for them to have to know or “worry” about what we’re doing

Let me reassure you on this one, too: Just because kids know what sex is does not mean that they assume that their parents are “doing it” if the parents are alone together. I think my daughters were well into the teen years before it actually dawned on them that we still had sex–it wasn’t something that we just did to make babies years ago. If they had thought about it more before then they would have realized it, but it simply never occurred to them to think about it, even after they knew what sex was. Kids just don’t tend to make that leap.

But here’s one that I think gets to the heart of the issue:

But the main reason, in my opinion, is not wanting your kids to see you as a sexual being. Even keeping it medical-textbook level is still going to make them see you differently, before you get to anything about connecting emotionally/spiritually, etc. Not to mention the second the kid asks anything even slightly more specific than the very very general basics, the parent is then going to show both their knowledge and lack of it and showing their inner soul. It’s like they’ve just opened the door and let the kid in on their own sex life, something that they had kept private between them and their partners.

I get this. It’s like you really have broken down a huge wall that used to be there to protect your relationship with their dad. And now they do see you differently–or at least they might. And that can seem scary. So let’s explore that for a minute.

There’s a difference between your kids knowing you’re having sex and your kids knowing you have sex


It's okay for kids to know you have sex. Just don't advertise that you're having it!Click To Tweet

Advertising to your children that you are having sex right now is pretty inappropriate. Having sex if you’re staying in the same hotel room with kids that are older, for instance, even if you think they’re asleep, is a pretty big breach of their privacy. Leaving the door open–ditto. Not trying to be quiet? Really bad. That’s what I was getting at when we talked about sex and family vacations (like camping!)

But if you’re trying to be private and they figure it out, that’s not really traumatizing. Walls do not always keep noises out, and no one can be quiet as a mouse all the time. My philosophy is this: If you are obviously intending to be quiet, and you are doing something together that your kids can pretend to ignore, then it’s okay. If you’re doing something where it’s absolutely obvious that your children know (like having them lying in the bed next to yours), and you can’t pretend they don’t know, then it’s not okay.

Look, the last thing you want your kids to think is that marriage is where sex goes to die! I’ve had some young people tell me that they figured that they had better have as much sex as possible before they get married because afterwards it won’t happen. Who would want to get married if that’s what they thought? So having kids know that you have sex really is okay. It’s even a good advertisement for responsible living and for marriage!

Don't let your kids grow up thinking that MARRIAGE is where SEX goes to die!Click To Tweet

(And I thought this old Ragu commercial could bring some levity to this discussion!)

Ask yourself: Why am I so scared that they’ll know what we’re doing?

Really ask yourself. And, “Because they can picture us having sex!” is not an answer. It doesn’t get to the emotional side of it. It just restates the fear in another way.

Dig down until you find the emotional root. Is it:

Because I’m actually afraid of them growing up and not being innocent anymore?
Because I’m scared that they may start to have sexual feelings themselves?
That they may see me in a different way–and I don’t want them to think that I have sexual feelings?
That I’m embarrassed that I have sexual feelings?
That I don’t like thinking of myself as a sexual being?

Okay, now once you have the fear, what are we going to do with it?

Tell yourself the truth about your sexuality

One thing I’ve been trying to hammer home ever since I wrote 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage is that the only way to bring real change is to challenge the negative thought patterns that come into your head and replace them with truth. Like 2 Corinthians 10:5 says:

5 We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

So what do we know about sex in marriage?

God created sex, among other reasons, for our mutual pleasure and benefit
God created sex to be pleasurable (and even gave women a piece of anatomy that’s only there for pleasure), so He wants us to have a good time
Sex is not shameful. It’s beautiful in marriage.
Our sexuality and spirituality are inexplicably linked. They both involve deep vulnerability and intimacy, and that’s why they’re both very personal and very beautiful.
Sex is private, between two married people, but it does not have to be secret. In marriage, it’s assumed that two people will enjoy each other sexually.
You want your children to grow up to see sex as something beautiful they can enjoy with a spouse, not as something shameful that they need to feel badly about.

And that last one is so important, because kids tend to pick this stuff up from their parents. If you give your child the impression: “I don’t like this side of myself, and I’m embarrassed that I have it,” then kids will think there’s something embarrassing and not quite right about sexuality. But if you give kids the impression, “This is part of who I am, and I enjoy being married, but it is something private that is between your dad and me”, then they can see it as something to look forward to in marriage.

Your kids will pick up on your attitudes about sex. Are you teaching them confidence or shame?Click To Tweet
If you find yourself hesitating because you don’t want kids to know “you do it”, then, try to think differently about your aim.

Don’t you want to raise kids who will be content and confident in their sexuality? Don’t you want kids to have a good and healthy view of marriage? Don’t you want kids to know that you and their dad are safe people to talk to about sex?

Those are all good things. But they’ll be much harder to achieve if you feel hung up about your children knowing you’re a sexual being.

If you have those fears, that’s okay. They likely spring from something real in your background that isn’t your fault. But I just encourage you to practice confronting those fears head on, identifying the root, and replacing it with what you really want for your children. This is an important part of parenting, and I know that God wants to help you do it well!

If you have girls, then maybe The Whole Story, our course that launches next week, can be a part of that for you. Check back here for more info–or sign up for my emails to make sure you don’t miss the announcement!

Let’s talk in the comments: Are you nervous about your children knowing you “do it”? What do you think the root of that is?

The post Wifey Wednesday: Is It So Bad if Your Kids Know You “Do It”? appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Top 10 Ways Your Phone Can Wreck Your Marriage

It almost sounds ludicrous…but have you considered your smartphone could be slowly ruining your marriage?

Ever been to a restaurant and seen two people just staring at their phones rather than talking to each other?

Phones become easy. But I suspect that they’re stealing something important from us. So today I’ve invited my friend Arlene Pellicane to share with us about ten ways that phones can wreck your marriage. Her new book Calm, Cool and Connected: 5 Digital Habits for a More Balanced Life launches today–and it’s a great one with lessons for all of us! Here’s Arlene:

We can become addicted to the phones in our pockets, giving our phone way more attention than we give our spouses.

I spoke to a typical couple the other day about their technology use. The husband works as an independent contractor and is constantly on his phone. His wife isn’t much better. Her kids call her the “Twitter Queen” and that’s not meant as a compliment. All day she’s tweeting her friends. During dates, she tweets about her menu choices. Her obsession with social media is getting to her husband, but he doesn’t know what to do or say.

The constant connection we have through devices to our work, kids, sports, games, news, and social media may be causing a rift in our marriage. We may be unaware of the growing distance – after all, both spouses can get easily sucked into technology. Relaxing with a favorite show or playing a video game pose as legitimate ways to unwind after a hard day’s work.

Happy couples spend time connecting each day, nourishing one another with physical touch and warm conversation. But if we’re spending 11 plus hours a day on screens like the average adult, we’re losing out on that precious time.

This is a great day for a technology check. Here are 10 ways your phone may be pushing your spouse away:

1. Texting too much, talking too little.

Do you find it’s easy to text but not as easy to talk? It’s great to text your spouse a grocery list, but otherwise texting is extremely limiting for deep communication. Go ahead and text “I love you” or “Can’t wait to kiss you.” That will strengthen your marriage. But when it comes to time together in person, put the phones away and talk and laugh with each other instead.

2. I’m too busy to listen.

I’ve heard many men and women say how hurt they were when their spouse took an incoming call or text in the middle of an important conversation. Make sure you’re not too busy with your technology to give your spouse your undivided attention. This means putting away phones during mealtimes and maybe leaving your phone in your purse or pockets during dates.

3. He can’t stop playing video games.

Although women can certainly overdo video games, men tend to be more at risk for video game addiction. Understand it’s not a fair fight. Video games have been designed to be highly addictive, combining an immersive visual experience with a mission and social network of gamers.

4. She can’t stop posting on social media.

In this age of selfies and likes, women can spend endless hours scrolling through photos of friends, acquaintances, celebrities, and cute animals. Spare moments can easily be filled with a quick peek at Twitter, Facebook, Instagram or the like. Once there, it’s easy to lose track of time.

5. Work, work, and more work.

We used to have to leave our work at the office. Not anymore. Now with technology, our work comes home with us. We can answer emails in a myriad of ways – our desktop computer, iPad, phone, or laptop. We’re almost expected to respond even when business hours have long ended. Working without boundaries leads to dissatisfaction between spouses.

6. Is that your phone in bed?

You’ve probably heard of lovers who actually answer texts or look at the phone while lovemaking. That is a surefire way of pushing your spouse away. But just having the phone under your pillow, at your side, or on your nightstand can be a relationship killer. Instead of interacting with your spouse at the end of the day in bed, you’re both on your phones.

7. I can’t compete with pornography.

Viewing porn used to be very difficult. You had to go to a seedy bookstore or video rental place and sneak around. Unfortunately, pornography is easily accessible anytime, anywhere and there are many marriages suffering as a result. The phone just makes it too easy. If this is a struggle, get help through counseling, prayer, and accountability, and use Internet filters such as Covenant Eyes.

8. Free time is phone time.

As we move from one task to the next, we often check our phone or get caught up online. Our free time becomes phone time. One study found the average person checks the phone 46 times a day. I think it’s probably higher than that. Imagine if you reached out to touch your spouse that often! How much closer would you feel to your husband or wife if you even connected 10 times each day physically or emotionally?

9. Forgetting our manners.

Instead of greeting our spouse with a kiss at the door, we’re often yelling a “Hey” over our shoulder as we continue on our phones and devices. Maybe you’re not opening the car door as often, or loving your spouse each day with little acts of service.

10. We don’t look into each other’s eyes anymore.

A lingering, tender gaze goes a long way in this society filled with people who are looking down much of the time. We are losing eye contact, rarely smiling at strangers while we do our errands. At home, it’s not much better. We can continue to shift our eyes from screen to screen, not really making much eye contact with our loved ones.

Do any of these scenarios sound familiar? Being aware of our phone use is a great starting place.

Arlene Pellicane’s new book Calm, Cool, and Connected: 5 Digital Habits for a More Balanced Life can help you make sure your phone doesn’t take over your relationships! If you fear that this is happening with you, pick it up today!

Be honest: Have you ever turned to your phone during sex (inquiring minds want to know!). Or does the phone eat at your marriage in other ways? Let’s talk in the comments!

The post Top 10 Ways Your Phone Can Wreck Your Marriage appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

On Grief: He Gives and Takes Away

In my life, grief and gifts have often come hand in hand.

On Monday it will be 21 years since my son Christopher passed away, and this time of year I always like to think about him and honour him a bit on this blog.

But when I remember him, it’s not just with grief. A whole lot of things are intertwined.

A few weeks after Christopher died we threw a party for my mother. It was her tenth anniversary from her cancer surgery, and so I had a “glad you’re not dead” party. Many thought the title of the party was in poor taste, but I couldn’t figure out what they were objecting to. Should we have had a “wish you were dead” party?

It was strange to be celebrating my mother’s life just as we were mourning my son’s death, but such is the stuff of life. And I was so glad that she was there to help walk me through it.

The real life-death dichotomy came for me, though, because I got pregnant with Katie just 10 weeks after Christopher died. She was born July 27; his birthday would have been August 6.

We asked the ultrasound technician what sex she was while I was pregnant, because I so desperately wanted a boy, and I wanted to be prepared before her birth if she wasn’t. When they told me she was a girl I was disappointed, but not for long. And today I just can’t picture anybody but my Katie. I’m so glad God gave me another little girl.

Katie and me seeing Les Miserables for her eighteenth birthday.

My girls are good friends, too, probably better than they would have been had she been a boy. And she was never a replacement baby.

It was strange to be nursing one child while crying for the one that was missing, and yet it was wonderful just the same. Katie never replaced Christopher; what she did was give me someone to hug when I was lonely. And Katie came out of the womb an affectionate baby. She always wanted to be hugged, quite the opposite of Rebecca. I felt that she was God’s gift to me.

She realized the significance of her birthday when she was about 10 .

She said to me, “Mommy, if Christopher had lived, I wouldn’t have been born, would I?”. That was a tough one, because the truth is no, she wouldn’t. But I said to her what I see as the truth: I said,

God gave you to me as my gift, and I am so grateful for you.

As a child she liked coming to the graveyard and putting flowers on the grave of the brother she never knew. When she was eleven I heard her introducing herself to another girl and saying, “I have one sister here and one brother in heaven.” I hadn’t know she talked about Christopher like that, but it was nice to hear her say it.

I often think of the song, “Blessed Be Your Name”, and the Bridge, “you give and take away”.

For me it’s always been the opposite: God takes away and then He gives. He has always taken away first.

My fiance broke up with me; then he came back and we married. I miscarried; then I had Rebecca. Christopher died; then I had Katie. But I keep coming back to that: God takes away and He gives. And If I can praise Him in both, then I have learned a lot indeed. 

God does both give and take away--and sometimes he takes away first! Are we at peace with that?Click To Tweet

I’ve written a lot about Christopher over the years, and if you’d like to read some of those remembrances, they’re right here:

Why I’m okay twenty years after my son died (basically my whole faith journey, and what grief taught me)
Remembering…(My story of the last day of his life. I just had to get it on paper–or at least in writing. This still brings me to tears.)
Grief: You don’t just get over it (What people often misunderstand about grief)

In my store, I also have my ebook How Big Is Your Umbrella, about the things that we yell at God when life is tough, and what God whispers back, paired with an audio download of one of my talks where I share my story. I’m going to put it on major sale now through Christopher’s birthday on September 4.

Pick up the Comfort pack for just $3!

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How Do You Support Your Husband’s Passion–if It Makes You Lonely?

What do you do if your husband has a passion in life that you don’t share? Maybe a dream job? A hobby? A calling?

I want to tell you the story today of comedian/actor Leland Klassen. He’s a good friend of mine, and we actually have been on tour together several times. When I was speaking at the Girls Night Out events across Canada, Leland had a comedy routine that would open the night.

I’ve seen how dedicated Leland is to being a good husband and dad–but it’s hard when you’re in a job that takes you on the road a lot.

And he’s tried to find the balance. Right now Leland is starring in a new movie that opens for one day only on September 7, and I’m so excited for him! And Extraordinary (that’s the movie!) has quite an interesting marriage story that is worth delving into and thinking about–and that kind of mirrors his real-life marriage.

I invited Leland and his wife Carrie to share their hearts today about what it’s like for a couple when one is pursuing a passion. Here’s Leland:

I am a stand up comedian and actor. I played ultra-marathon runner David Horton in the movie “Extraordinary” coming to theaters nationwide for one night only on September 7. The story of David and Nancy Horton was eerily similar to my wife and I’s story. Well…not the running, I hate running. In the movie, every time I was supposed to look like I was in pain while running, I actually was in pain. The similarity, however, was that I too, like David Horton struggled (and still struggle) with the balance between pursuing my passion and my family life. I asked my wife Carrie to talk a little bit about what we’ve learned from her perspective:

Being married to someone who has clear direction, passion and purpose in life is a wonderful thing and something to be thankful for … but it can also have some drawbacks.

Leland and I have been married for just over 22 years and Leland has been doing stand up full time for about 20 of those years. Supporting my husband as he has pursued his passion, in some ways, has been an easy decision. He is doing what God created him to do and to the best of his abilities is using his talent to further God’s Kingdom. That alone should be enough. But I confess, there have been many days when I have doubted and questioned that calling, as well as prayed for other (more traditional) career opportunities for him. Not wanting the hardships that come with the life of an entertainer, I wanted an easier road. Don’t get me wrong, there are many fun things that come with his job besides being married to a funny, creative spouse. When I can, I have been able to travel with Leland and have had the opportunity to meet interesting people and go to events and visit cities that I would never have been able to otherwise. On the flip side, there are also things that have made it challenging. Financial instability, an unpredictable future at best, and having a husband who is away more than he is home, just to name a few. More than missing important events and milestones Leland has missed a lot of just living life as a family … and we have missed him.

Our life is far from perfect and we definitely don’t have everything all figured out but we have learned a few things over the years that have helped us and even though the circumstances in your life may be different, my hope is that they will help you too:

Adjust your Expectations

Chances are your marriage and/or family life, will in some way be very different than you had imagined. I would never have guessed that this is how my life was going to play out. But ultimately when I married my husband, his dreams became mine. His sorrows are my sorrows, his joy is my joy. Life may not be the way I pictured it and not all of those differences are positive but if I have learnt nothing else it is that you can trust God with ALL of the details of your life. In the past when I have pushed and pulled and manipulated my way in situations, it has rarely if ever turned out well. His plans for you are greater than you can imagine! When we rest in that knowledge it is so much easier to ride the waves of life.

Be Honest

I know this seems obvious but it is hard to do when what you are going to say may cause conflict in your marriage. Leland is better at this than I am, he seems to know how much to say and when to say it. I on the other hand, tend to hold it all in and then blurt it out at exactly the wrong moment. Thankfully I’m married to a communicator who is more than willing to hash things out with me whenever I’m ready, but regardless of my tact or timing this is probably the most important element in keeping our marriage on track. If I am concerned about a business decision he is making or if I’m feeling sorry for myself because I have to go to an event alone, I tell Leland all of it. The act of sharing my thoughts and feelings and knowing that I have a partner that cares about what I think and feel goes a long way.

Don’t Compare

I have been struggling with this one lately, my friends’ lives look so much easier. They go to work during the week and seem to fill their weekends with friends and fun. I want to do that too! Instead, my typical week is filled with work, making meals, shuttling kids from one sporting event to another and then making more meals. Weekends I’m often home alone – cleaning, shopping for groceries or doing yard work. When Leland is home, he brings with him laundry, jet lag and a fresh perspective on how dysfunctional our family is … which I don’t find helpful to say the least. It’s not exactly the most exciting life. Instagram and Facebook haven’t done me any favours in this regard either. Friends are constantly posting pictures of their kids’ accomplishments, family vacations and perfect, organic, whole food lives.

The problem with this kind of thinking is that it never takes you anywhere good. Discontentment is poison that will quickly drive a wedge in your marriage. No one gets through life without struggles, no one’s life is as easy as it seems on the outside. Limit your social media intake if you find it’s affecting your attitude and focus instead on all the good things that God has blessed you with.

Cherish

It is so easy to forget this. Life gets busy and, yeah sure, I love my husband but I don’t have time to dwell on that and he knows that anyway, right? Maybe it is because we spend so much time apart, but even though I’m not always good at expressing it, I definitely feel it. Marriage should never be taken for granted, it is a gift to share your life with someone, to not have to walk it alone, to have someone who cares about the little things in your day as well as the big. To rejoice with you when things go well and to cry with you when they don’t. I’m sure most marriages are like mine, full of imperfection but also forgiveness and grace. It is a beautiful thing when we do get it right.

Protect

Protecting your marriage ties in closely with cherishing it. One follows the other, when you cherish your marriage, you instinctively protect it. That can look different for everyone but because Leland is away so much we feel that we are left a little more vulnerable than most marriages. There are times when it would be easy to look outside of our marriage for emotional or physical comfort. When our spouse is literally (and figuratively) just not there for us. We have had to learn how to protect ourselves from temptation and how to read the signs that we may need to correct our path. Whether it be our thought life or physically doing something different. Earlier in our marriage we were naive and not as self aware, it took time, experience and some mistakes to learn how to honour each other in this way. It is a painful lesson to learn the hard way and one that I hope you will be able to figure out as early as possible in your marriage.

Forgive

This is surprisingly such a big part of marriage. I’m not sure why it surprised me but I guess it’s because it’s rarely a theme that seems to be valued anymore. Instead our world tells us that we deserve to be happy and that if someone wrongs us, we have every right to wash our hands of it and walk away. After all, if we don’t take care of ourselves, who will? As Christians we have a different perspective – how can we not forgive when we have been forgiven so much? There have been times in my marriage when I felt that Leland had wronged me and I have cried out to God asking Him what I should do, His perfect, clear and sometimes loud answer has always been “Forgive!”.

Pray

I’m ashamed to admit how many times I run around doing everything I can and it is only until I exhaust all options that I consider prayer. It is so simple a thing to do that sometimes I think it seems too easy and I’m not content unless I feel like I’m doing something … anything. Thankfully it is not up to me and I am not ultimately in control. This is not rocket science – just talk to God. Tell him how thankful you are for each of the blessings in your life, ask Him to show you what areas of your marriage and life you need to work on. Tell him how you feel, your problems and your worries and then leave those burdens with Him.

Be Inspired

Having someone in your life who is passionate about what they do is incredibly inspiring. Being married to Leland has taught me not to settle for the easy road but instead to challenge myself to use the gifts that God has given me to the fullest of my ability. It reminds me how desperately I too want to hear my Master say, “Well done, good and faithful servant!”. Mat 25:21

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith.” Hebrews 12:1, 2a

Just like Leland and Carrie, in Extraordinary, the couple learns how to fight to stay together–and discovers important truths about their marriage that helps keep it strong.

Looking for a great date night? Don’t miss Extraordinary–the movie. Leland’s awesome, and this movie is great to just enjoy together, but also to get you thinking about the bigger purpose of your marriage.

Pick up your tickets now!

I really hope a ton of you see Extraordinary! It’s a great movie, and I want to encourage more of these to be made. And it’s really cool to see this couple that I’ve walked with for almost a decade now get this big chance!

Let me know: Have you ever had to come to terms with your husband pursuing a passion? How did that go for you? Let’s talk in the comments!

The post How Do You Support Your Husband’s Passion–if It Makes You Lonely? appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

What I Wish I Knew About Sex as a New Bride

For many new brides, sex comes with a learning curve. 

Every Wednesday on this blog I talk marriage, and today I’m joined by one of my favourite blogging buddies, Ngina Otiende from Intentional Today, who writes so much great stuff about the newlywed years! She’s just released a new book, The Wedding Night, and because both sex & marriage are near and dear to my heart (and this blog), I asked her to come and fill us in on how we can be better prepared for marriage! (So share this with all single women you know).

Here’s Ngina:

As a single woman I had dreams of easy connection and intimacy with my future husband.

Except soon after the wedding, effort and work became a close companion of our new life.

Thankfully, that was just the start. With deepening foundations, I learned that marriage can become more joy than a heavy production, and the backbreaking effort of the early years can pay off in a big way if we faint not.

In my newly published book The Wedding Night: Embracing Sexual Intimacy as a New Bride, I polled forty seven wives who read my blog about the challenges of intimacy in the early years. Most of them acknowledged going through a heavy season of learning.

It’s the learning part that surprises most new brides. We don’t quite anticipate the effort involved in becoming one: the emotional, mental, spiritual and physical exercise of transitioning from a happy singular person to a happy union of two, in the bedroom.

Looking back, there are three things I wish I understood about sex before I got married.

4 Things I Wish I Knew About Sex as a New Bride: Click To Tweet
1. Sex is not everything

I had elevated sex to “everything”. I thought it was the primary scale of the overall health and love in our marriage: our relationship could be summed up by the amount of activity going on in the bedroom. Alas, life outside the bedroom was bumpy and our bedroom was feeling the shaking.

Years later, I would begin to understand that while sex is a precious gift in marriage, it’s fluctuation should not define the entire marriage. I love something Sheila said, sometimes back in her article When Sex Just Won’t Work: Can We Have a Marriage Without Sex? “Sex is meant to be a part of marriage, but it is not bigger than your marriage.”

It’s an important headline for newlyweds because often they have been tutored to believe everything but that truth (and even when they’ve heard the truth, they don’t believe it until they face hardships.)

Yes, we are to strive for healthy intimacy and connection in our bedroom. But we need give our best energy to what is working, not what is not. It’s a delicate balance, learning to iron out the kinks in the bedroom while still stoking the fun and love. Yet without the balance, we run the risk of wearing down the relationship and bruising the very motivation we need to work on the challenges.

2. My husband has emotions, and they matter in the bedroom

I came into marriage thinking my husband can take anything. Mainly because my dad was a stoic man who displayed emotions rarely, no matter what was going on. (I now know he had emotions: he was just clever at hiding them.)

As a new wife, I pushed my husband’s buttons, not knowing he could feel rejected. And a man who is feeling rejected  might not be eager to pursue the source of his rejection. Author and marriage blogger, J Parker says“Relationship issues can tense men to the point that they don’t feel as drawn to their wives.”

Most of the advice we see about husbands and sex is that men are interested in one thing (sex) and when it’s on the table, they can shut out everything, including rejection and criticism from the woman they are married to. While it’s true that some husbands will pursue sex, notwithstanding the treatment from their wife, I believe most husbands want more.

They are not the emotionless only-want-your-body creatures they have been painted to be. Since knowing my husband has emotions, I have become better at phrasing concerns and understanding that how I treat him outside the bedroom influences our connection and depth inside the bedroom.

3. Great sex is learned

And you won’t be able to figure it out on your wedding night, or honeymoon. Or in a few months. And that’s okay.

I  was discouraged at the work and newness of sex. Even after reading books and excellent mentoring, I expected sex to be in the lines of rambunctious festivity, not constant learning and application.

Also, no one told me the work part was hidden in the strangest of places. Like the amounts of concentration needed for a woman to enjoy sex? My goodness! Apparently sex starts in the mind! Who knew?

I thought I was broken.

One of the wives who responded to my poll put it this way:

 “Wedding night sex is not the best you will ever have. And that’s okay because you have the rest of your married life to figure it out.”

The route to better sex and overall intimacy is not despairing, hopelessness, passivity or fussing.

It’s the more grown up stuff, like having adult conversation with your beloved, talking to a mentor when you can’t resolve, researching and reading up to find solutions, trying again and again. And learning to hold on to Jesus tighter than you hang on to your guy.

In short, the route to better sex in the newlywed years is paved with willingness to take small steps, ability to celebrate small gains and good ol’ dogged determination.

4. You are not alone

I shared our wedding night journey on my blog and over the last three years, the single blog post has been read by hundreds of thousands. Following the wide readership, I began to receive emails and comments from engaged women and newly married women.

Their observations, angsts and questions plus our experience inspired me to expand my thoughts and turn the blog post into a book, which released two weeks ago. It’s titled The Wedding Night: Embracing Sexual Intimacy as a New Bride and it seeks to provide a road-map for sexual confidence in marriage, for the engaged woman and newlywed wife.

Check out the book here.

New marriage comes with adjustments and new brides can expect a season of learning. There’s no shame in learning to become one-flesh. Your marriage is not abnormal because you have sexual challenges. It’s what you do, after you encounter challenges, that determines the direction of your happily-ever-after.

To celebrate the launch, I am giving away two copies of The Wedding Night (eBook version) to Sheila’s readers. Simply leave a comment to be entered into the draw! And if you purchase the book and email me (ngina) a copy of your purchase receipt, I’ll send you information on how to access three Bonus items, including an eBook and a private video where I chat about the 4 mistakes I made as a new bride. Simply email me your purchase receipt and I’ll rush them your way!

 







Ngina Otiende is a Jesus-devoted tea-loving girl who believes marriages are meant to thrive. She’s the author of two books, including the latest The Wedding Night: Embracing Sexual Intimacy as a New Bride. She blogs at IntentionalToday.com where she creates practical resources to help the newlywed wife draw closer to God and her husband.

Get access to Ngina’s free eBooks, including the popular “49 Things Every Newlywed Couple Should Know” when you sign up at her blog.




What do you wish you understood about sex as a new bride? Leave a comment to be entered in the contest to win one of Ngina’s ebooks!

The post What I Wish I Knew About Sex as a New Bride appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

10 Ways to Support a Back-to-School Husband!

Is your husband going back to school this year?

Many of us are in the throes of back to school season with our kids: packing lunches, buying new notebooks and pencils, decorating lockers.

But for some of us, it’s not just the kids heading back. Some of us have husbands heading back to school, too!

One woman recently asked me:

Can you write a post about supporting your husband during a busy season of your life? I’ve been married two years, and within the next year my husband is going to try to go back to school and go on to get his doctorate!

Yep. That’s busy!

My husband Keith never went back to school per se, because he never STOPPED going to school for about six years after we married. He had to finish medical school and then he did four years of residency, where he was working about 100 hours of week and then had to study for really gruelling exams, all while we had babies.

But as hard as that was, I think it would be even harder if a husband stopped working and decided to finish his degree–or start a new one.

Starting school when you’ve been used to him working and bringing in an income is a big adjustment!

So I asked on my Facebook Page for tips from readers like you whose husbands are going back to school, and here’s what they said–mixed with some tips from me, too!

Is your HUSBAND heading Back to School this fall? 10 ways to support him as he studies!Click To Tweet
1. Be as Ridiculously Frugal as You Can

For many families, a husband going back to school means a huge drop in income. He’s probably only working part-time now at best, plus you have the added tuition costs.

That’s a lot of financial stress on top of school stress. Anything you can do to keep the family expenses low, then, can be such a big help. Research how to cook more cheaply. Institute Use What You Have months or no-buy months and actually use what’s in your cupboards (and below your bathroom sink!). Organize a clothing swap with friends instead of buying new clothes. And if there are things you really don’t like–your couch, your kitchen, the carpet in your bedroom–decide that you won’t complain about it or mention it to him while he’s still in school. Give him the gift of your own contentment during this time, because it is only a time.

One woman whose husband headed back to seminary decided to learn some new skills!

I learned crocheting and baking. These were simple and cheap ways I could make gifts for others. So, I’d encourage to use the time you’re apart to minister to others. It’ll help fight the urge to complain about not having him around and take away the desire to focus on self.

2. Start Your Own Study Session at Night

He’s going to need time to study, and you don’t want him to feel like you resent that time or wish he could spend more time with you. Besides, chances are you have some paperwork to do, too!

During his study hours, grab your calculator and the bills and do your finances and reconcile your budget. Grab  your Bible and your journal and do your devotions. Decide to start studying an interesting nonfiction book at night (three that I just love are Your God Is Too Safe; Waiting on God; Boundaries).  Or do a study of your own! My wonderful friend Pam Farrel (who wrote the foreword for The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex) just sent me her brand new study Discovering Hope in the Psalms, which I’m excited to delve into this fall.

3. Allow for study time in your family schedule

If he’s at school full-time, he’s going to need time to study at night and on the weekends. If these are set times, when it’s known that Daddy is studying, then he’s more likely to be able to get in a routine and get things done!

One woman really stressed the importance of scheduling both study time and couple time:

Make sure to have time set aside for being a couple. It can get so easy to get into the swing of “loads of homework that needs to get done NOW” and forget couple time until one or the other feels neglected. Also, it’s helpful to have have set home work times. Like, 4-6 is dinner/family time. 6-9 is homework and 9-10 is couples time then bed. Just examples. Fit into your family dynamic as needed. I am a 4 year husband in school vet. We have 3 kiddos and I homeschool them.

4. Don’t let him feel like his studies shouldn’t impact others

If he’s going to study on Saturdays, for instance, that may mean that he can’t take the kids to hockey practice like he usually does, or to gymnastics. And some families may not like that. Often in these types of situations I hear things like: “my kids shouldn’t have to suffer just because I decided to go back to school.”

I’m not sure where we got this idea that children must never be inconvenienced or must always have perfect lives. Dad is going back to school to eventually benefit the family. It’s okay if the family sacrifices for that for a time. We’re all in this together, and sometimes I feel like families believe that the parents exist to make the kids happy. Not true. We exist to serve God together, and if God is calling Dad back to school, then He’s also calling the family–even the kids–to support him.

If God is calling your husband back to school, then He's calling the family to support him.Click To Tweet
5. Keep track of his due dates for papers and exams, and put them in a family calendar.

Stick that family calendar up in a prominent place, like the kitchen. Then don’t plan anything for the week before those big dates! Give him some breathing room before the stress.

6. Keep a Long Term Perspective

It’s easy to start feeling lonely, or overwhelmed with all the responsibilities that fall on your shoulders. It’s easy to start thinking, “We never get any time together anymore”, or bemoaning the fact that the kids have become almost your entire job. One male student left this comment on Facebook:

He’d much rather be with his family, so complaining about him studying just defeats him.

Yep. He probably feels the same way! So instead of thinking about how unhappy you are now, visualize what it is that you are working towards as a family. Each day gets you closer to that goal–and each thing he’s able to study for gets you closer, too.

7. Help with Study Habits (If you can do this without hurting his ego)

Back in the 1960s, before computers, wives often typed their husbands’ essays. But even today many wives find they can help their husbands study! One woman said this:

Honestly sometimes he can organize his papers better when he’s speaking it and I type it up. When he types- he tends to focus more on typing & making sure it’s grammatically correct (don’t worry- he does all the editing and revising, I literally type what he tells me to type… )and then it takes him a lot longer to get his thoughts out on paper. He works full time, helps me with the house & our 5 kiddos, and is remodeling our bathroom…. so if I can help him type and it takes him only a few hours to hammer out a paper instead of all day- I’ll do it!

When my son-in-law started taking harder courses at university, my daughter helped him figure out how to write research papers (she learned from the best.

Reader Question: Does God Care More About Men Than About Women?

Does God love men more than women?

Every now and then I receive an email that makes my heart hurt. Recently I got this one, from a woman who is looking at the Bible, and looking around at her church, and ending up wondering if God really loves women. She asks:

So, I have a question that’s going to sound horrible but it’s just honest. Does God care more about men than He does women? I mean it started out that He only made Adam and then He decided to make Eve as his helpmeet because it wasn’t good for man to be alone. So then he makes women, who are weaker than men so they cannot defend themselves. He makes them have all these feelings just so they will always care about men and children. He makes their (apparently) most important aspect to be beauty which fades with age and childbearing. The men however, he makes to be strong and have little to no feelings. He made them to (apparently) all want other women than who they have. The only time God got mad at David was when he took another man’s wife and compared it to stealing a lamb which was property. And then continued to say that if he wanted more, God would have given him another wife… yeah, why not throw him another woman? I mean the whole Bible seems to say this is true. And yet, women tend to be more religious than men. In a world where every religion thinks less of women. It’s not like I think He doesn’t care but maybe just less. I’m hoping to be proved wrong.

I’m glad she asked the question, because I think it’s one many of us struggle with. I know I did! When I was 16, I started to ask all of these same questions. And I wondered: If God honestly preferred boys to me simply because of their genitals, then can I love a God like that? The good part is asking questions may feel uncomfortable, but God is big enough to defend Himself. And in the asking I grew closer to God!

My youngest daughter had an experience recently where a Christian leader, whom she was close to, said to her, “Do you ever wish God had made you a boy, so that you could have had a bigger ministry?” In other words, God made a mistake by making her merely a girl.

We hear this all the time–“it’s too bad you’re only a girl.” And it makes us start to question God.

And so today I’d just like to take each of her points and tell you how I see it, and then maybe we can have a good conversation about it in the comments!

Does God love men more than He loves women? I dismantle those arguments today!Click To Tweet

“He made Adam first”–so is male the preferred gender, the default?

Actually, there’s great literature that says that gender didn’t come until after Eve was created. Adam was genderless, and THEN “male and female” He created them.

But even if that’s not so, it’s very clear that BOTH male and female are in the image of God.

So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them. (Genesis 1:27)

And God Himself uses feminine imagery to refer to Himself at times, as Jesus says here (and this is only one example):

“Jerusalem, Jerusalem, you who kill the prophets and stone those sent to you, how often I have longed to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, and you were not willing.” (Matthew 23:37).

“Eve was made as a “helpmeet””

Yes, she was, but helpmeet (despite what Debi Pearl may say) has no connotation of inferiority. The Hebrew word is “ezer”, and it is used 21 times in the Old Testament. 16 of them it refers directly to God as our Helper, and God is obviously not inferior to us! It also has a strong military connotation–“He is our help and shield.”

The other key is the very next word in the Hebrew–suitable. She is a suitable helper, meaning that she is created to help Adam from a position of strength in every way. Help, then, isn’t about a servant relationship, but instead someone that he actually needs in order to accomplish the tasks that God has given him.

Being a 'helpmeet' is not an inferior position. It means you're a suitable partner!Click To Tweet
“Women are created as weaker than men”

Yes, we are physically weaker. But I wonder if it is also so that we are more cuddly as mothers? Women were also created to endure more pain than men and to live longer than men, so I’m not sure if physical strength means that we are lesser. I think there are gives and takes on both sides. The downside is that women are susceptible to attack far more than men are. And yet men were also created with one part of them which, if you kick it right, can bring them to their knees howling in pain.

“He makes them have all these feelings so that they will care about men and children.”

Okay, this one is actually quite insightful! Loving our husbands and our children is a blessing. But I think what she’s getting at here is that women too often are martyrs for their husbands and children, and care too much and thus are more susceptible to extreme emotional hurt.

That’s true. But it’s not the way we were created; it’s part of the curse, in the same way that Adam finding the ground hard to till is part of the curse.

Genesis 3:16 says:

 To the woman he said,

“I will make your pains in childbearing very severe;

    with painful labor you will give birth to children.

Your desire will be for your husband,

    and he will rule over you.”

Now, some translations of the Bible actually mistranslate this verse and give it a really ugly slant. Some write that “women’s desire will be to control her husband.” That connotation is not in the Hebrew, and that interpretation was never made before 1974, when Susan Foh popularized it. (more on that incorrect interpretation here).

That interpretation makes no logical sense. In the context, God is giving a list of curses–you’ll have pain in childbirth; you’ll desire your husband to your own detriment; he will rule over you. If Susan Foh’s translation, which is now widely accepted, was correct, then it’s a sin rather than a curse and the list goes away. You’d have curse (pain in childbirth); sin (desire to control your husband); curse (he will rule over you). The Hebrew points to a straightforward, traditional interpretation–we have loved men and put up with men who weren’t worthy of us, and we have been subject to abuse in our quest for love and belonging.

“He makes their important aspect to be beauty which fades”

I do agree that women’s beauty is prized far too much in our society. Women are judged on our beauty. And we judge ourselves terribly on it, too!

Yet nowhere does it say that our most important characteristic is our beauty. In fact, the Bible clearly says otherwise:

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. (Proverbs 31:30)

Again, it is true that men seem to be more visually stimulated than women, and that has made men more susceptible to pornography addictions that have hurt their wives so much. There is so much pain here. But God never says that beauty is our main characteristic. Our culture does, and our culture is a part of the fall.

“God makes men emotionally strong with little to no feelings”

I’m not sure that this is a benefit! Yes, men do tend to be more compartmentalized, and not as multitasking as women, which means that men can separate work from relationship more. And men do seem to have a harder time, in general, getting in touch with their feelings.

This may appear to be a benefit, since the person who is more emotionally dependent seems at a disadvantage in a relationship, and it can seem as if we’re always the ones searching for connection.

Yet research shows that those who are able to express their feelings also live longer and more contented lives. And we tend to have closer relationships, especially with our children! I think I’d take the women’s lot in this one, honestly.

“God made men to want women other than the one they have”

It does certainly seem that way–men aren’t as monogamous as women. Yet research, again, does not necessarily bear this out. One recent large scale international study found that 63% of men and 45% of women reported cheating at least once (I doubt it’s truly that high). I’ve seen other studies that have women cheating more, especially among certain groups (university educated who work outside the home).

In the past men have tended to cheat more, but that may be because they had more opportunity, since they were away from home more and mingling with single women more. Women, who were largely at home, may not have had as much chance. When the chance is greater, it seems that women do cheat as well.

“The only time God got mad at David was when he stole another man’s wife–and he compared her to a stolen lamb, like she was property.”

God did get mad at David for infidelity with Bathsheba, and then arranging to have Uriah killed. But this wasn’t the only time God got angry. In fact, the time that God let his wrath really flow was actually when David was prideful and measured his armies rather than relying on God, and then God brought calamity to Israel because of it (2 Samuel 24).

The prophet Nathan did compare Bathsheba to a lamb, but not just property. A lamb that was loved (so much so that it even slept in bed with its master!). That’s not to say that I’d want to be compared to a well-loved lamb; it’s only to say that it’s not as straightforward as saying that God thought Bathsheba was Uriah’s property.

When I approach marriage in the Old Testament, I understand that God permitted things He didn’t agree with. The Israelites lived in a very patriarchal society where polygamy was practiced. The fact that the patriarchs had multiple wives does not mean that God approved of that or wanted that. In fact, God designed us to be one-man one-woman. In Genesis 2:24, God says:

That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.

In the New Testament we see monogamy being reclaimed. Leaders of the church must be monogamous. Marriage is set up as a beautiful institution only between two people. But that was not how it was seen in the Old Testament, and I doubt real love existed, as much as we may try to read it into some of the stories. It was a very different culture, and I feel for the women at the time who were disregarded, and for the men who never knew real intimacy (so much so that David felt more intimate with a best friend than with a wife; shows how badly they got it wrong). Let’s just remember that the Old Testament is a description of what happened, not a prescription that we are to follow.

“…and then the Bible continued to say that if David wanted more, God would have given him another wife… yeah, why not throw him another woman?”

Again, I don’t think this is God saying that women don’t matter or that marriage doesn’t matter. He’s just telling David, if you truly want something, there’s a way to do it the right way. And you chose the wrong way. But no, God didn’t want David to have a bunch more wives. He even warns against having multiple wives when He instructs the kings!

“And yet, women tend to be more religious than men.”

Yes, we do! I think it’s that “last shall be first, and first shall be last” thing. When you aren’t as strong, you recognize your need for God more. When you are more emotional and relational, you yearn for more intimacy. Again, I’m grateful God made me this way!

“It’s not like I think He doesn’t care but maybe just less.”

I don’t believe that all. I think the Bible tells us that God loves women! Let me end with this:

Do you know to whom God first revealed that Jesus would be born? Mary, a woman.
Do you know to whom Jesus first revealed that He was the Son of God? The Samaritan woman at the well.
Do you know to whom Jesus first revealed Himself after He was raised? To the women at the tomb.
Do you know whom Jesus appointed as the first missionary of the gospel? Mary Magdalene, a woman.

In a culture where women’s testimony was not worth as much as men’s, where women were discounted, and where women were scorned, Jesus went out of His way to honour women and give them key roles in spreading the gospel. 

In a culture where women were scorned, Jesus gave women key roles in spreading the gospel. Click To Tweet

He doesn’t care about us less; He elevates us. 

Don’t ever let anyone tell you that Jesus doesn’t love women as much as men.

It is a lie. And it is intended to drive a wedge between you and God and make you feel helpless and hopeless. I went through that at 16, and it’s not pretty. I never felt so alone. But when you know that Jesus loves you, as a woman, and that He delights in you, as a woman–well, that is beautiful indeed.

Don't ever let anyone tell you that Jesus loves men more than women. It's a lie.Click To Tweet

Still worried about it? Ask God. Pound on His door. He’s God. He can take it!

Let me know in the comments: Have you ever wondered whether God cares more about men than women? Let’s talk about it!

The post Reader Question: Does God Care More About Men Than About Women? appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

How to Stop the Emotional Abuse Cycle

How do you stop emotional abuse?

I’ve run a number of posts on emotional abuse lately. Last week I wrote about how men can be victims of emotional abuse, too, and yesterday I ran a post by my friend Natalie on how to recognize emotional abuse.

The question then becomes, though, what do you do about it?

Natalie has a great community and support group at her blog Emotional Abuse Survivor.

Last week, though, one reader left a really interesting series of comments on how to actually draw some firm boundaries so that you’re not sucked into ridiculous conversations where you are belittled, yelled at, criticized, or blamed for things that were not your fault.

I want to run those comments today, with this caveat. What I’ve noticed when it comes to abusive marriages is that you can divide them into two groups:

Marriages where a spouse is controlling, critical, and domineering, and where really dysfunctional communication patterns have developed where the spouse treats the other horribly;
Marriages where one spouse is controlling, critical, and domineering, and the problem is not communication patterns. The problem is that the spouse has a personality or character disorder (usually narcissism).

You see, sometimes we can actually develop an abusive way of relating to one another because we allow someone to treat us badly, and soon that becomes the norm. They end up treating us in ways that, given a different set of circumstances, they would never normally have done. But some people honestly are evil. And no amount of changing how you act can rescue the marriage.

I’ve watched a couple close to me walk through this recently, and I do believe that it’s more a #1 type of marriage. He was controlling, but he also recognizes it now and he wasn’t narcissistic. It’s for marriages like this that these steps listed below may actually restore the marriage. And I posted last year a wonderful story of a marriage that emerged from emotional abuse, because the wife demanded to be treated with respect.

In cases with a narcissistic husband, you should still take these steps because it will keep you sane and it will stop the verbal dance. But it will not fix the marriage, because it’s essentially a character issue.

With that preamble, here’s BCMan (and he’s writing from the perspective of a male being emotionally abused; what he’s saying can just as easily be switched around and it’s still right on):

I was in an abusive marriage for 24 years. I lived with harsh relentless criticism and tolerated verbal abuse on a regular basis.

I’m happy to report that our marriage has been free from abuse for the past three years. I’m 100% certain it will continue “abuse-free”.

My advice to men in abusive relationships. You are in your current situation (to a large part) because the first few times your wife engaged in abusive behaviour, she got her way. She received positive reinforcement for her negative behaviour. By accepting unacceptable behaviour, the unacceptable behaviour became acceptable.

When you accept unacceptable behaviour, the unacceptable becomes acceptable. #stopabuseClick To Tweet
Don’t expect your wife to change. First, you must to change yourself and your response to her behaviour.

Instead of positive reinforcement, provide negative reinforcement for her bad behaviour.

Sheila wisely advises “draw boundaries and confront”. Here’s the step by step implementation plan I used effectively to end my wife’s abusive behaviour in six weeks:

Get clear on your boundaries. What is the specific behaviour you will no longer accept or tolerate? Write it down (don’t skip this). I wrote “I will no longer tolerate demeaning or belittling speech”.
What are the exact words you’ll use when confronting that behaviour? Write them down. I wrote “you have a right to feel frustrated or angry; you don’t have a right to demean or belittle me”
What will be the negative consequence if she continues her behaviour? Think of an action you can take immediately that will clearly show that you no longer tolerate her old behaviour. My action was to end the discussion immediately and leave the room.
What are the exact words you’ll use to communicate the negative consequence? Write them down. I wrote “stop now or I’m ending this discussion and leaving the room”.
What is the new behaviour you want her to exhibit and the reward for exhibiting the desired behaviour? I chose resuming the discussion in an environment of mutual respect and working on the resolving the underlying issue that she was angry about.
What are the exact words you’ll use to communicate the desired behaviour? Write them down. I wrote “I’ll be glad to resume the discussion in a mutually respectful manner and work to resolve what you’re angry about”.
Anticipate how she will likely react. What are her “go to” strategies she has used in the past when you’ve attempted to stand up and confront her? Does she:

-Deny her behaviour is abusive?

-Justify or rationalize her behaviour? “I do x only because you do y. If you stopped doing y, I wouldn’t have to do x” or “this is the only way I can get you to listen to me”.

-Deflect and play victim? “I do x but you do y which is so much worse. In fact, you’re the one who should apologize to me”

Ignore completely whatever she says in her attempt to derail you and restore the status quo. Responding to her specific derailment attempt takes the spotlight off her bad behaviour … and she wins.
Firmly repeat what you said and start implementing the negative consequence.
Practice practice practice your lines until you’ve memorized them and can say them without getting flustered in the heat of the moment.
Execute your new plan.

You may see an escalation in abusive behaviour as she attempts to restore the status quo. STAND FIRM.

How do you draw boundaries when your spouse is emotionally abusive? A game plan: Click To Tweet

After the third implementation within a 6 week period, the verbal abuse stopped completely because it was no longer effective. The new habit of mutually respectful discussion proved more effective.

Great advice! The Big Lesson: Decide what you will not tolerate. Set a consequence. Stick to it. Do not get sucked into any other conversation. Do that, and you will stop the crazy cycle.

Note: sometimes when we start doing that, spouses react very badly, because they are used to having control. If you fear that your spouse may physically harm you, please get you and your children to safety.

Let’s talk in the comments: Have you ever had to draw clear boundaries about what you will and will not accept? What was the hardest part? How did it work for you?

The post How to Stop the Emotional Abuse Cycle appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

How Do You Know if You’re in an Abusive Marriage?

How do you know if you’re being abused?

One of the hardest parts of blogging is reading so many heartbreaking emails and comments that come in from people in truly destructive marriages. I find myself wondering, why do people treat each other this way? And even more importantly, why doesn’t anyone help?

But one of the best parts of blogging is meeting other people and growing relationships. And one of those women is Natalie from Emotional Abuse Survivor. Natalie and I have been online buddies for quite a while, sharing stories and ideas. I even interviewed her for one of my books! She recently changed the focus of her blog to emotional abuse, and I asked her to write a post for me on the signs of emotional abuse. I’m thrilled to be able to share this with you today, because I KNOW that this is going to open some people’s eyes and put them on the road to healing.

Here’s Natalie:

She wondered if she was going crazy. All she ever wanted was to be a good wife and mom, and she gave her marriage and home all the love, energy, and support she had inside. But something was “off” in her marriage.

No matter what she did, or how hard she tried, she felt like a failure. They couldn’t seem to resolve conflict unless she took full responsibility for everything, including what her husband did, and beg forgiveness for implying he might have done anything wrong.

But wasn’t she supposed to be humble and give up her rights?

Oh, sometimes things seemed fine. They could be okay for days. Sometimes weeks. But then things would begin to fall apart, usually after she had to ask for help, or if she gave him feedback about something she felt was important. This seemed to upset him and turn everything upside down again.

But didn’t all marriages have their ups and downs?

She learned to pick her battles carefully, because once he was upset, she had to endure a tirade of accusations and condemnation. The silent treatment. No favors or help for a while. She felt bad if she wanted to go out with a friend. He would say little things that made her feel guilty for abandoning her family and forcing him to take care of the kids.

But wasn’t she supposed to lay down her life and serve her husband and family?

Sex was horrible. She couldn’t have an orgasm even though she read books about it and prayed for help. She couldn’t relax. He made little comments about her body and her behavior in bed, and she felt ashamed and stupid. When they had sex, he did it and got it over with. She wanted him to. It felt impersonal and disgusting. He complained about her inability to “get into it.” There was no emotional connection.

What was wrong with her?

The burden of parenting alone most of the time was starting to break her down. She was getting short with the kids. Exhausted. Burnt out. When he would start in on her, she’d fight back now, saying sarcastic things she regretted later. He would point out what an angry, bitter woman she was. Unforgiving. Disrespectful. He’d tell her “everyone” agreed with him. She had problems.

She began to hate herself.

He was a good man. He was faithful to her. He took the family to church. He read his Bible every day. In fact, he knew the Bible so well, he could pull out Bible verses to support his various observations of how bad she was. She would weep in church when they sang songs about the grace of God. She wanted to feel that grace so badly, but most of the time, all she felt was the condemnation of her husband—and God too—because didn’t God speak through the authorities in her life, like her husband and church elders?

She was pretty sure God was disappointed in her failed efforts at creating a happy, peaceful home for her husband and children. She often locked herself in the bathroom, crying in hopeless desperation on the floor. Begging God to help her be a better woman. Begging God to forgive her. Begging God for some reason to keep trying.

What happened to the woman she used to be, before she got married? She couldn’t remember. Her small-group leader at church told her that marriage would bring out the ugliness hidden inside. So anything good she was before must not have been real. All along, she must have always been an ugly, stupid, angry, failure of a woman. Her marriage just brought that out, and she must be the kind of woman who couldn’t get her act together.

She wanted to die.

Are you in an emotionally abusive marriage? Here's how to tell: Click To Tweet
How do you know if your relationship is emotionally abusive?

Is there an imbalance of control in your relationship where your partner erases you or treats you as “less than?”

Does your partner withhold communication and affection in order to control your emotions and decisions?

Does your partner refuse to take responsibility for their actions and attitudes in your relationship by blame-shifting, denying, justifying, and minimizing their behaviors?

Does your partner use deception to control you? This would include gaslighting (saying things didn’t happen when they did), withholding information, mixing truth with a little lie, and creating doubt and confusion in you.

Does your partner use verbal bully tactics to shame, intimidate, and destroy your self-worth?

Does your partner isolate you by withholding finances (financial abuse) or keeping you from building relationships with others outside the immediate family or controlling when and how those relationships operate?

Does your partner disrespect your boundaries? Are you allowed to say “stop” or “no” without suffering emotional and verbal consequences?

Does your partner overvalue their contributions while undevaluing yours?

Does your partner tell you how you think and feel instead of allowing you to think and feel for yourself?

Are certain topics off limits?

Does conflict get swept under the rug, never to be resolved?

Does your partner give orders or manipulate things to go his way?

Is trying to solve your partner’s problems and manage their emotions all you can think about? Do they steal your attention from everything and everyone else, including God, so that your focus is constantly on them? Are they the center of your confusing, painful world?

Do you have a desperate sense of having died, somewhere deep inside?

Emotional Abuse is an Epidemic in Many Religious Circles

Sheila’s got this awesome blog for women where she helps us reach our highest potential as wives so we can have fun, fulfilling, joy-filled relationships. But she recognizes that not every woman is married to someone who wants to work together as a team toward that goal. I’m so glad she not only reaches out to women in normal marriages, but she also wants to help women in abusive marriages.

When an abusive spouse uses the Bible or God to back up their abuse, they are spiritually abusive.

And when churches and church leaders use the Bible to support the abuser and come against the abuse target by pressuring her to reconcile, they are also emotionally and spiritually abusive.

When churches ignore emotional abuse in marriage, they become spiritually abusive.Click To Tweet

Emotional abuse is an epidemic in conservative Christian circles where there is a built-in belief system that says men are supposed to be in a power-over position related to women. For some men who respect and honor women, and in particular, their wives, these beliefs don’t affect their marriages on any practical level.

However, for the rest of the population, this belief feeds into the underlying attitudes as well as subtle and not-so-subtle behaviors of men toward women. The practical outcome of such attitudes and behaviors is the destruction of women and children from the inside out.

Emotional abuse is particularly rampant because it flies under the radar and is hard to prove. Women in emotionally abusive relationships can be significantly affected by a simple glance, gesture, or slight change in the tone of voice of her abuser—things that would never be noticed by anyone standing near. Even if you did point it out, others wouldn’t believe it was abusive, not knowing the inside, chronic history of the couple.

This is why, when Christian women do come forward to disclose emotional abuse, they are most often not understood or believed. All their husband has to do is present his “innocent” side of the story (which discounts the woman’s experiences and feelings), and church leaders and others all too often dismiss her story as a hysterical, ungrateful wife’s dripping, complaining spirit. Surely it is she who is the real problem in such a marriage.

And of course, the abuser enthusiastically agrees.

So the hidden abuse continues, unchecked, until the woman finally gets to the place where she is falling apart physically. Emotional abuse targets, if not treated, will eventually present with physical ailments including heart palpitations, panic attacks, gastrointestinal issues, anxiety disorders, depression, self-harming behaviors, migraines, chronic fatigue syndrome, auto-immune disorders, thyroid disease, and other hormone imbalances.

Emotional abuse is physical abuse of a genius, covert kind.

It has been the most prevalant attack on the female gender throughout history, and it is supported and encouraged in our churches all across the world in the name of God. What a tragic twisting of Scripture. What a slap in the face of Jesus Christ, Who modeled true love and respect for both men and women, equally.

“There is no longer Jew or Gentile, slave or free, male and female. For you are all one in Christ Jesus.” Galatians 3:28

What a tragic slap in the face to Jesus to use Scripture to support abusive behavior in marriage.Click To Tweet
What You Can Do About Emotional Abuse

If this doesn’t sound like your marriage, that’s terrific! You are fortunate to have met and married a good partner. Many people marry in their 20’s, before they’ve had a lot of life experience. It’s a gamble in many ways. Abusive partners may not present as abusers in the beginning. There are several red flags to look for, but many young people have no idea these signs should be taken as serious deal breakers. Emotions have a way of getting in the way of reason.

Here’s what you can do, though. You can bookmark articles like this and websites like mine in case you suspect a friend or family member might be experiencing these things in their marriage, and you can share them at an appropriate time.

You can educate yourself on what emotional abuse is. I estimate that for every five couples in your church, one or two of them are emotionally abusive. And that’s a conservative estimate. Be ready to help them with support, information, and most importantly, VALIDATION. These people are not lying. They are often scared to death to tell someone for many reasons. They’ve got a long journey ahead of them (find out the six stages to healing), and they need someone in their corner.

But what if you ARE in an emotionally abusive relationship? What can you do? Here are some ideas:

Learn about the abuse cycle and how your relationship fits into that pattern. There are several high quality websites out there ready to help you figure this thing out. I’ve got some listed on my own website along with some video and book recommendations. Knowledge is power, and much of it is free on the Internet.
Begin interacting with fellow survivors who are a little bit ahead of you on the journey. They will be your greatest cheerleaders on the way. They have been where you are, and they know all the pitfalls you’re facing and will face. You know those wagon masters on the Oregon Trail? These women are like that. They are coming back to walk alongside you, answer your questions, and bind up your wounds.
Start detoxing from the false teachings about men and women. These beliefs aren’t love-based, Christ-honoring, or building to men and women as a whole. (So much to study here!) It may take some serious rewiring of your brain to start seeing things clearly.
Get on my mailing list. I write 1-2 articles on my website each month. More importantly, I’ve got a juicy, wholesome, healing membership group called Flying Free that will be opening up again in October, and you don’t want to miss the opportunity to be part of this group. It will seriously encourage your socks off and jump-start your progress. The women over there are absolutely incredible. You are not alone!

Emotional abuse survivors are some of the most empathic, honest, hard working, intelligent, problem-solving, persevering, responsibility-takers on the planet. I’ve worked with dozens of them, including doctors, business owners, teachers, and nurses. Abusers often select warm, flexible, shining stars to eventually control and suck dry.

The woman at the beginning? She went through some grueling steps, but she got out, and now she is strong and coming into her own.

What about you?








Natalie is a homemaker, mother of nine, business owner (Apple Valley Natural Soap), writer, and life coach for Christian women exiting destructive marriages. Find her at emotionalabusesurvivor.com.

Sign up to get on her mailing list HERE, and she’ll send you a FREE Brain Renewal Exercise to help you begin detoxing from your destructive relationship!

Let’s talk in the comments: Have you seen this dynamic in friends’ marriages? Or even your own? How can we help each other? 

The post How Do You Know if You’re in an Abusive Marriage? appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.