Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 129
July 12, 2017
When Your Husband Wants Something in Bed You Think is Gross
We’re in the middle of the Sizzling Summer Sex Series, and we’ve been talking this week about learning to be passionate, give up control, and help sex not be boring! And so today and tomorrow I want to turn to how to handle it if one of you wants something a little bit spicier than the other! Today we’ll look at what to do if he wants something you really don’t like, and tomorrow we’ll turn the tables. Then Friday I’m going to present an idea that hopefully can really work in your marriage when you’re trying to figure out boundaries in bed.
Here’s a really common question I get:
My husband wants something in the bedroom that I think is just gross. (editor’s note: she spelled out what it is; I want to leave this vague so that my answer applies to more people’s situations! So if you’re struggling with this, insert your own idea here). Do I have to do it?
Great question! I’ve dealt with this before on the blog, and today I thought I’d rerun that post because it fits perfectly in this series.
My quick answer to that question would be, “No, you don’t have to do it.” Sex is supposed to be mutual. It isn’t supposed to be selfish. But that being said, here are just a few thoughts to help you figure this out in your particular situation:
1. Dare Yourself to Make What You Do Enjoy Awesome
It’s honestly okay to say no to some things in the bedroom. Vaginal intercourse–no, you can’t say not to that (I mean IN GENERAL–like you can’t say “we can never do this”, though of course you can say no on certain nights. I’ve got more on that on my series on what “do not deprive” means). Intercourse is the height of intimacy. But other things? Absolutely. No one has to do everything.
But if you do say no, I just dare you to make the things you are comfortable with awesome for your husband! Really throw yourself into it. Dedicate yourself to having a fulfilling sex life–which means getting yourself in the right frame of mind so you can enjoy it, too. If you’re really struggling with this, pick up the 31 Days to Great Sex. It’s only $5. And seriously, it will help. This is what it was written for!
2. Ask Yourself, “Is it Sinful?”
If your husband wants something you don’t, ask yourself, “is it sinful?” Now be careful here, because we often assume that because we don’t like something it must be sinful. But I don’t think the Bible calls very many things sinful in marriage. Anything involving a third party (porn, affairs, fantasizing about a football team): sinful. Enjoying each other’s bodies: nope. (now I think there are things which are definitely a bad idea that don’t involve a third party; but I’m still not sure they’re sinful. I think they’re more in the “everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial” category).
Why is this important to determine? Because sometimes we’re quick to label things sinful and then we cut things out of the bedroom entirely. And we also start to think of our husbands as perverts. It honestly is okay to say “no”. But just be honest and if it ISN’T sinful, realize that you’re saying no because you don’t find it appealing, not because he’s a pervert. That’s an important distinction!
And sometimes by realizing it isn’t sinful (if it’s something that isn’t), it does help us stretch ourselves a bit. And for many couples, that can be a good thing!
How do you figure out your boundaries in the bedroom in a Christian marriage? Some guidelines!Click To Tweet
3. Is it Dangerous or Degrading?
Some things may not clearly be sinful, but they still seem, well, icky. That could be because some sex acts actually can be physically dangerous. Certain body parts just aren’t designed to be used sexually, and they don’t stretch well and they’re susceptible to disease.
Not just that, but some sex acts can really be degrading and humiliating. Sex should be about bringing you together. Now, there’s nothing wrong with feeling carried away, or with someone wanting to almost “own” the other–that can honestly be a part of passion. But when you’re trying something that really is humiliating or degrading, like punishments or something like that, it’s totally okay to feel weirded out by that. That was never meant to be part of the sexual experience.
4. Be Careful of Porn’s Influence
Maybe the answer to “is it sinful” or “is it degrading” honestly is yes, though. Then what?
Then you just need to talk about this. And I think it’s a really good idea to ensure that he’s not using porn. Porn fuels the desire for things that are sinful, and lessens the appeal of being truly intimate. If your husband is using porn, start here and read on about what to do about it.
Find it difficult to figure out what's okay to do in the bedroom?
How can you tell what is just fun, and what gets perverted?In The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex I lay out the principles of figuring out your boundaries in the bedroom, and show how hot and holy can actually go together! I also give my opinion on a lot of the things that couples ask about.
If you’re shy, this book can help you figure out God’s perspective on how passionate sex should really be–within proper limits!
See it here.
4. Be Careful of Substituting Other Things for Intercourse
One thing I’ve found with couples who explore a little more is that sometimes that thing that one of you wants to do starts taking over. Let’s say he enjoys oral sex, for instance, more than he does intercourse, and he starts wanting that more than wanting intercourse. This is really dangerous.
I’m all for play! I think play is great–hence the term foreplay. But it is FOREplay. It shouldn’t be the whole thing.
That doesn’t mean it can NEVER be the whole thing, but if another sexual act becomes your regular sexual encounter, rather than vaginal intercourse, there’s a real danger and a problem. Now sometimes, when health concerns arise, that’s necessary, and there’s nothing wrong with that. But intercourse was designed to unite us spiritually as well as physically; we’re supposed to be feel one. Sex isn’t supposed to be about getting the greatest orgasm; it’s supposed to be about feeling close. Now, when we feel close the physical ALSO tends to feel better. But our pornographic culture has really infiltrated the bedroom so much that we almost use each other more than we make love to each other. I don’t think that’s a good dynamic.
So if you want to explore, that’s great! But make it about play, not about replacing intimacy.
What do you do if your husband wants something in bed you think is gross? Some guidelines!Click To Tweet
5. Have His Nights/Her Nights
If there’s something he likes that you’re willing to do, but you really don’t like it, consider once a month having his nights/her nights. Once a month you’ll make love totally for him, and once a month for her. And then the other times you’ll just do it as you prefer to together.
That way he doesn’t feel deprived, but you both get what you want. Maybe your night starts with a long back massage. That’s totally fair!
If, of course, you absolutely CAN’T do it, see #1. That’s totally fine. But if you just dislike it, here’s another way to handle it (and I’ll be spelling out exactly how to handle this on Friday!)
Your Sizzling Summer Sex Challenge Day 8:
Ask your husband, “are there things that you’d like in the bedroom that you’ve been afraid to ask about?” Let’s have that conversation!
And ask him how you two think you should decide on boundaries, too.
Special bonus: Try something new tonight!
Find other posts in the Sizzling Summer Sex Series here.
Do you have trouble figuring out what the boundaries are in the bedroom? Let’s talk in the comments!
Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!
Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually.
If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.
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July 11, 2017
Top 10 Reasons Sex Gets Boring
We’re in our second week of our Sizzling Summer Sex Series, and today I want to help those of you who feel like sex isn’t sizzling whatsoever.
And that is sad–because sex is meant to be awesome! It’s explosive. It should be super pleasurable. It helps you relax and sleep better and feel closer to your spouse, sure. But it also is just plain exciting!
Except when it’s not.
Today I want to give you ten reasons today that sex can get boring, and then point you to some extra help for each of these reasons! And one tip: as you read this list, look for the one that resonates most with you (even if all ten are true, look for the one that says, BINGO! the loudest).
1. We never learn new techniques or try new things.
When our family went on a Kenyan safari, we were beyond giddy with excitement when we saw our first giraffe in the wild. It was the coolest thing! The legs came up past the roof of our jeep. By the afternoon we were bored of giraffes. They were everywhere. What we really wanted were some lions!
Even amazing things can get boring if there’s never any variety. If you always have sex the same way, and do the same things, it will seem boring, even if it still feels pleasurable. Here’s some help to make things more fun!
9 Tips that Make Sex Feel Great for Her
10 Amazing Tips to Help Sex Feel Great for Him
5 Ways to Spice Things Up
The Deck of Dares–I dare you to try them!
When we talk about sex getting boring, that’s usually what we focus on–we’re doing the same thing the same way all the time. And it is a big problem. But it’s not the ONLY reason sex gets boring. Here are 9 more!
Sex can get boring in marriage if it's always the same. But that's not the ONLY reason: Click To Tweet
2. We focus only on intercourse, and not on anything else
What makes sex stupendous is the passion which is fuelled by feeling intimate. But other things are actually more emotionally vulnerable and intimate than intercourse–like just touching each other or exploring each other. When one spouse is concentrating on pleasing the other, rather than both getting pleasure together, there’s a different dynamic. It’s far less “wham, bam, thank you ma’am”, and far more personal. And personal is rarely boring!
How to make foreplay more fun!
When Husbands don’t understand how important foreplay is
Why women need husbands to give them a hand
3. It was never that exciting to begin with.
Maybe the reason it’s boring now is because it was never much fun to begin with! You never figured out how to make it feel good, or you felt like it had to be done a certain way. And it can be embarrassing to try to get up the courage to ask for something different. That’s where 31 Days to Great Sex comes in. Because it’s a daily challenge, it’s not as vulnerable as saying, “what would you think if we tried this?” You don’t have to do anything–the book is the one that tells you do it! And there’s lots there to help you figure out how to make sex feel really great, in every way.
31 Days to Great Sex
4. We get too comfortable and forget to try
If getting ready for bed consists of talking to him while he’s brushing his teeth and you’re sitting on the toilet peeing, after which you both throw on old raggedy T-shirts before you crawl into bed–well, perhaps it’s no wonder that sex has gotten boring. You’ve lost all mystery and you’ve forgotten to try!
Summer sleepwear that’s comfy but pretty!
10 Sexy Questions to Ask Your Husband (so that you can flirt a little more!)
Getting out of a Sexual Rut
Top 10 Ways to Bring Sexy Back
5. We’re never spontaneous.
Every so often, passion should get the better of you! Yet often we may start kissing, and we may start feeling excited, but then we remember that dinner needs to be made or that we have to get ready to leave in half an hour. What would happen if, instead, we just let the feelings carry us away? We’d make great memories, that’s what! We’d have an inside joke. We’d feel just a little bit out of control. Sex doesn’t need to always be at the same time because it’s part of a schedule. It can be something that carries you away.
Why Quickies Can Be Fun!
Top 10 Reasons for Morning Sex
6. Only one person ever initiates
Even if sex is great, if the same person always starts, it’s going to feel, well, like a downer. Why? Because it’s always going to seem as if one person is doing the other a favour. And pity sex makes sex feel degrading. Even if you’re more than enthusiastic once it starts, if you never initiate, your spouse may feel like you’re not really into it. And that’s going to start to turn them off, so that they may stop trying, too.
Why won’t my husband initiate sex?
10 ways to initiate sex
Enthusiastic Sex=Greater Intimacy
Boost Your Libido!
7. We never share what we actually want
Maybe there’s something you’ve always wanted to try–but you’ve never gotten the courage to tell your spouse. Maybe you’d really rather be touched like THIS rather than like THAT, but your spouse doesn’t know that. And it’s been five years now. And you feel like if you say anything, it will be as if you’re criticizing the last five years! So you figure you’re stuck with this.
No wonder it’s boring!
How to tell your husband what you want in bed
10 ways to feel more adventurous in bed
8. We stop doing anything new OUTSIDE the bedroom.
Sex isn’t just physical. It reflects the whole relationship. And if your relationship is boring, and you’re always doing the same things that you’ve always done, sex is likely going to be boring, too. Want to feel more excited about sex? Have more fun together outside the bedroom! The more you laugh together and create memories, the closer you’ll feel–and that will ignite passion anew.
79 Hobbies to Do with Your Spouse
How we learned to ballroom dance online
9. We stop talking.
Sex isn't just physical. So when we're not connecting outside the bedroom--sex will get boring.Click To Tweet
Sex is intimate physically, yes. But it’s also intimate emotionally and spiritually. In fact, when we feel more emotionally vulnerable and emotionally close, libido grows and passion grows. When you feel like someone knows your heart, then you’ll want to share the rest of you with them, too. But if you’re guarding your heart, then there’s a part of you they can’t touch. And that will mean you hold back sexually as well. So if you want sex to be more passionate, make sure you’re actually knowing each other on a heart-to-heart level!
50 Conversation Starters for Couples
The Twenty-Minute Check-In
FREE Reconnect with Your Spouse Email Course
10. We don’t make sex a priority
For women especially, sex requires two things: energy and a clear head. If we’ve got grocery shopping lists and worries about tomorrow running through our brains, then we won’t be able to get aroused. And if we’re tired, we definitely won’t want sex! So if sex is going to be great, it can’t come last on our priority list.
When you’re too tired for sex
Adults should have bedtimes, too!
Why is sex so boring?
Preparing for sex throughout the day
There you go! 10 reasons sex can get boring.
There’s nothing wrong with sex itself, you know. The problem is in how we approach it! And that’s good, because it means that we have the power to change things, too.
Now, the question is: what are you going to do about it?
Your Sizzling Summer Sex Challenge
Choose the ONE most important reason that resonates you with most about why sex has gotten boring in your marriage.
Read the extra posts and commit to making change in this area.
If boring sex is a huge problem, I’d also recommend taking my Boost Your Libido course, which looks at all the reasons that women sometimes lose passion, with practical, step-by-step challenges that help bring you immediate results!
Find the other posts in the Sizzling Summer Sex Challenge here!
What do you think? Has sex gotten boring in your marriage? Did I miss a reason? Let’s talk in the comments!
31 Days to Great Sex is here (only $4.99!) It's the best $5 you'll ever spend on your marriage!
Learn to talk more, flirt more, and even explore more! You'll work on how to connect emotionally, spiritually, AND physically.
Find out more To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
July 10, 2017
Want Great Sex? Then You Have to Let Go of Control!
It’s the start of our second week of the Sizzling Summer Sex Series, and last week one of the big things I was addressing was how to find real passion. The answer? We need vulnerability. It’s the key to women’s sexual response, too.
This week we’re going to be looking at how to spice things up, and why sex sometimes gets boring. But before we can spice things up, we have to deal with one more thing. We have to let go of our control freak tendencies.
I spend a lot of my time on the road in our RV giving my Girl Talk to churches–a hilarious, fun night where I share God’s threefold design for sex (emotional, physical, and spiritual intimacy), and then talk about how to get there. And inevitably I get people crying, too, because I share some personal stuff we all can relate to. (It really is a great evening that’s super seeker-friendly, and I’m booking for the next season now! Email my assistant Tammy about how you can bring it to your church or women’s group).
This year, after one such event, I was talking with some of the organizers, who were all pumped up about how well the evening had been received. “People totally need to talk about this stuff!” one woman said. But then one of the organizers managed to get me alone, as I was clearing off my table, and said that she had a question to ask.
She desperately loved her husband. She loved her family. She loved God. But her libido had just disappeared.
No matter what she did, she just couldn’t relax during sex or get any kind of desire for it. And she was so sad about this, because it wasn’t what she wanted–for her or for her husband. What was she supposed to do?
As she told me her story, inwardly I started to panic a bit. There wasn’t anything obviously wrong. Then I had a real God moment. I just said, “Are you a control freak? Like do you have trouble being vulnerable and letting people help you?”
I knew that came from God, because as soon as I said it she burst into tears. “Oh, my goodness, I totally am! I have to be in control all the time, and I hate that about me.” And then I told her that this was the root of her problem.
If we are trying to be in control, then sex will never, ever be great.
And we won’t desire it, either, because sex, at its essence, is the opposite of control. You have to be willing to let yourself go in order for sex to feel good. In fact, God specifically designed it that way so that we would totally be vulnerable with our spouses, forming a bond that we would get with no one else.
So if you have very little libido, if you are reluctant to try new things, if you have a hard time getting aroused or reaching orgasm, then maybe you need to ask yourself: “Do I need to be in control all the time?” Because that may be the heart of the problem.
Is Your Libido Sub-Zero? Here's how to boost it!
Does what I’m saying today resonate with you? Do you long to have a higher libido, but you just can’t seem to relax during sex?
You need my Boost Your Libido course!
I talk about the different aspects to libido (our thoughts, our feelings, our schedules, even our hormones!) and how all of those work together to either make or break a sex life.
And I show you how you can make small changes which honestly make all the difference! You don’t need to live with this frustration anymore.
See the course here.
Most women admit to being control freaks! But that doesn't work in the bedroom. Here's why:Click To Tweet
Want Great Sex? You Need to Let Go of Control
What does it mean to be in control? It means that you have full control of all of your thoughts. You know what’s happening. You’re aware of your surroundings. You’re standing on guard. Nothing will take you by surprise.
But sex doesn’t work well that way. For you to actually enjoy yourself, you have to be able to stop concentrating on what’s going on and just start FEELING. Sex is about FEELING, not so much about THINKING. If you overthink things, sex won’t work well.
Often one of the biggest roadblocks to actually reaching orgasm, for instance, is that we’re so worried about it. In order to really achieve an orgasm (as I talked about in my post on orgasm, and as I go into much more depth, with more tips, in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex), you have to just let the waves take over you. If you’re constantly thinking, “am I there yet? Will I? Will it happen?”, it won’t. The waves can’t take over if you’re thinking too much.
So great sex means you need to turn off the constant dialogue in your head. And that’s hard.
Great Sex Means You Aren’t Really, Well, Proper
A proper woman is someone who is fully buttoned up, with the tea kettle on, not a hair out of place, and very gentle speech.
Great sex is the opposite of all of that. You can’t be worried about what you look like, or what you sound like, or even what you’re doing if you’re going to be able to enjoy yourself.
Why is that we try so hard to be proper in our everyday life? We care what others think of us. So it’s as if we’re walking around outside of ourselves, watching ourselves, making sure we’re doing everything right. We train ourselves to be conscious of our every move.
Great sex means throwing caution to the wind and letting yourself be primitive, not proper. This isn’t, by the way, because there’s anything “improper” with sex in marriage; on the contrary, God created us so that our most basic and instinctual need to be connected to another human being mimics the deep need we have for intimacy with God. And that intimacy isn’t quite proper, either.
Remember how in The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe the Beavers are trying to explain Aslan to the children, and they keep saying, “he’s not a tame lion, you know.” That’s what sex is like. It isn’t tame. It isn’t something you can put a lid on and keep it unmessy and organized. It spills over. It revels. It even screams.
Good Sex Requires Trust
The opposite of control is trust. When we’re in control, we have no need to trust anyone. We’re safe. We’ve got everything under our fingers.
But in order to really enjoy sex you have to be able to trust the other person. What makes sex stupendous is that feeling as if you’re truly one. That feeling of spiritual intimacy feeds the feelings of physical pleasure and makes the latter so much stronger. But you can’t feel like you’re one if you’re in control of everything you do, and he’s in control of everything he does, and you just move together in bed. That’s two people, not one person.
When you trust, though, you can become “improper”. You can really let yourself feel and you can turn your mind off just a little bit. You can stop worrying about what he thinks, or whether he really loves you. You know you’re able to trust (if you can’t trust him because of porn, or because of adultery, that’s such a tough place to be. Before you can truly rebuild your sex life, you likely have to rebuild trust). If you can’t trust him or you’re always worried about what he’s thinking, then it will be very hard to ask him to bring you pleasure, too!
Good Sex Requires Embracing Your Sexual Side
Sex and feeling in control are really polar opposites. Someone in control is ruled by their thoughts, while someone enjoying sex is giving in to feelings. And what are those feelings? They’re sexual.
That’s scary to a lot of people, because it feels shameful. But there is absolutely nothing shameful about making love to your husband.
And there is nothing wrong with feeling overwhelmed in the moment and screaming. There’s nothing wrong with desperately wanting to touch something–or to be touched. There’s nothing wrong with feeling like you’re on fire.
But when we grow up feeling that these things are wrong–that only “bad girls” feel that way–then when we start to have those feelings we often work hard to turn them off.
A great sex life means that you give in to those feelings. You embrace your sexual side. You realize that this is who you were made to be–with your husband. And this is a good thing! You can fuel those feelings with some texts to him during the day, or some nibbles on his ear after dinner, or whispers to him. You can flirt. You can tease him. You can even initiate sex!
Good Sex Means You’re Naked
Finally, here’s the hardest one for some of us control freaks: good sex means you’re naked. You can’t hide. He sees all of you–and he still accepts you and wants you.
So often it’s we who hate our bodies, not our husbands (if your husband has put your body down, read this post). If you can let yourself see yourself as your husband does–full of desire and acceptance–that can be intoxicating.
If you sum all of this up, isn’t this what we truly want? We don’t have to worry about what other people thinking. We don’t want to worry about our performance. We don’t want to feel ashamed. We don’t want to feel judged. We want to be able to turn off these constant voices and accusations in our heads, and just relax and enjoy in the moment. We want to feel one. We want to feel connected.
These are all truly beautiful things, and they are a gift from God for marriage. You really can have them. It just means giving up control.
Can you do it? Your sex life will never be the same.
Your Sizzling Summer Sex Challenge Day 6:
Today’s is a doozy! I challenge you to give up control.
Set the timer for 15 minutes (or 10 minutes if you just can’t take that long) and lie perfectly still. Allow your husband to touch you or try to please you. Just don’t move!
Force yourself to just experience, rather than feeling as if you need to perform. And see what happens!
See all the Sizzling Summer Sex Series posts here.
What do you think? Do you have trouble being vulnerable or feeling out of control in the bedroom? Let me know in the comments! (Or just tell me something general about how this series is going for you! 
July 7, 2017
Why Is There No Passion in Our Marriage? The Missing Ingredient!
It’s Day 5 of our Sizzling Summer Sex Series! And today I want to talk about the Big Missing Ingredient that robs so much of us of sexual pleasure. I’ve been leading up to this all week, and today I want to spell it all out for you!
The easiest way to do that is with a letter that a reader recently sent me:
My husband and I are in our mid-30s, married 15 years, with a teenage daughter. I’ve spent the last 13 years trying to convince my husband of multiple things. 1) Sex is a big deal to me and once a week isn’t cutting it. 2) I really want more children. We recently had a big blow up fight and frankly it took me handing him my wedding rings and telling him that he can give them back when he’s ready to actually have a marriage with me. In the first 2 year of our marriage I pretty much threatened to leave every fight. To his credit he stuck with me and I did eventually learn that I was being cruel. We did find common ground after we both calmed down, but at this point I’m not feeling IN love with him. I love him, but the fire has burned out. I’ve realized through reading your books that our spiritual relationship is non-existent. How do I get this back to where I want it to be and what it should be? I’ve prayed for peace about the baby issue. I’m so bitter and angry about all of it, that I’m not really sure on where to start or how to forgive/ask forgiveness.
Wow, that’s tough, isn’t it? I have written a post about what to do when you want more kids but he doesn’t, and if that’s an issue for your marriage, I’d suggest reading that post for help. I want to deal with a different aspect here.
This letter is a great example of something that people really need to understand:
When you’re not connecting outside the bedroom, it’s very, very difficult to feel passion inside the bedroom.
When you're not connecting outside the bedroom, it's very, very difficult to feel passion inside the bedroom.Click To Tweet
Now, this couple has had a lot of issues over the years. She has a higher libido and he isn’t as interested in sex. They don’t agree on kids. They have very dysfunctional ways of handling conflict (like her threatening to leave). They don’t have a spiritual life together.
For you it may be other issues other than the libido and kid issue. But the fact remains that when there is a ton of baggage between you, passion will evaporate.
Why is that?
It’s because the missing ingredient in passion is vulnerability.
What's the missing ingredient for true sexual passion? Find out here!Click To Tweet
When we’re able to be vulnerable, we let down all pretences. We let our spouse see us for who we truly are. We become not just physically naked, but emotionally naked, too. That’s an intimacy that we don’t share with anybody else, and it can be intoxicating. When we’re that open emotionally, it tends to fuel passion, too.
But in order to be vulnerable, we have to have trust.
We have to know that our spouse will love us, no matter what. We have to know that if we share something deeply personal, they won’t throw it back in our face. We have to know that if we share a deep desire that we have (like having a baby), even if our spouse doesn’t share that desire, that they will understand and have compassion and try to work towards our good. We have to know that our spouse knows everything about us, and still loves us.
When that happens, then we feel this rush of relief. Humans’ greatest need is to feel intimate and connected with someone. That’s how God made us. That intimacy is best and most completely met in Him, but He created sex to be a mirror of that intimacy He wants us to experience. And when you have that, it’s a real aphrodisiac. Then we feel totally accepted and we can let our guard down. It’s easier to relax. It’s easier to tell them what we want and what feels good! Everything is better.
See, technique does come into play with great sex (and we’ll talk about that soon).
But you can have amazing technique and still have awful sex, because it can end up feeling empty.
I’m not saying that you shouldn’t have sex if you don’t feel close. In many ways sex and friendship are like the chicken and the egg: It’s not clear which comes first. The more we make love, the more we release the bonding hormone oxytocin and the closer we tend to feel. We tend to bring down the tension level in the marriage and laugh together more, so that we do feel closer.
So certainly sex is a great way to keep a marriage close.
But it can’t do that on its own. And sex will never be fully passionate and fully amazing when you can’t be vulnerable with each other. So what would I say to this woman? She needs to wrestle through the baby issue, certainly. But they also need to work on communication and conflict resolution, so that it’s about sharing your emotional needs and meeting them, rather than blaming someone. And it needs to be done in the spirit of acceptance, not judgment where you’ll leave if they don’t make you happy. Until they feel like they’re in this marriage together because they truly want to be, they really won’t find that the sex piece works very well.
So hold on to this idea of vulnerability as we go through the rest of the Sizzling Summer Sex Series, because so much comes back to this. Next week we’re going to focus on making sex “hot” and how to handle fantasy in our marriages (including deciding what’s okay to do). But even then, it all comes back to how we feel about each other and how we think about sex.
The key to sizzling sex really isn’t in technique as much as it is in being vulnerable and letting go of all our fears and insecurities. When we do that–then sex really can be amazing!
Your Sizzling Summer Sex Challenge Day 5:
Let’s grow our vulnerability!
Share with your spouse one of your biggest fears that you have right now. How can your spouse help you with that? Pray for each other about that fear.
31 Days to Great Sex is here (only $4.99!) It's the best $5 you'll ever spend on your marriage!
Learn to talk more, flirt more, and even explore more! You'll work on how to connect emotionally, spiritually, AND physically.
Find out more To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
July 6, 2017
When Your Libido is All or Nothing
It’s Day 4 of our Sizzling Summer Sex Series! What I want to work us towards this month is a mutually-satisfying, passionate sex life where guilt and expectations are thrown out the window, and acceptance, love, and generosity have replaced them.
We’ve looked at how expectations on what should happen in the bedroom often hinder us, either because we assume that women’s sexual responses should be the same as men’s, or because we don’t work towards her sexual satisfaction.
Today I want to add another thought: maybe the root about why sex isn’t passionate is that we misunderstand the focus of sexual desire.
It's Day 4 of the Sizzling Summer Sex Series! Come join us:Click To Tweet
Here’s a question that a reader recently sent me:
I just finished listening to the audio version of The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex–thank you for that! I feel like I understand sex better. But I’m hoping you can help me: I have an all or nothing libido. And I don’t know how to deal with it! I can go weeks (probably months!) without sex and it doesn’t bother me, apart from the fact that I know that I’m letting my husband down, and I miss the emotional intimacy. But if I put to mind to engaging my brain sexually, sex is all I think about. It keeps me up at night, and I am very distracted and unproductive during the day. My husband loves it while it lasts, but I end up burnt out after a week or two, and have to put sex out of my mind. My poor husband has to go from sexual overdrive to a sexual zero until I have the energy to pursue it again. Is this normal?
Okay, this is a tricky thing I’m going to try to explain, and I hope you’ll bear with me!
Let’s think about alcoholics for a second. Alcoholics can really only approach alcohol in one of two ways: either they abstain altogether and try to keep alcohol the furthest thing from their mind, or they go on a binge and can’t stop. It’s all or nothing, feast or famine.
They cannot have a healthy, moderate experience with alcohol because everything has been warped.
I think the same thing sometimes happens with sex (though the analogy falls short because I’m not really talking about addiction issues). I’m talking about the fact that many of us simply cannot see sex in a healthy way. Either we ignore it altogether, or else it becomes an obsession that steals all of our energy.
What’s the underlying issue?
We’re not supposed to desire sex; we’re supposed to desire our spouse.
We're not supposed to desire sex alone; we're supposed to desire our spouse. Click To Tweet
Sex is the way that we express our desire for our spouse, but our spouse is the object of that desire. What we really yearn for is true intimacy on every level–physical, spiritual, and emotional.
I explained this at great length in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and if you’ve never read it, I highly recommend that you get it, because if you’ve struggled with understanding what sex is supposed to be and why God made it this way, it can answer so many questions and make you excited about sex in your marriage!
But let me try to boil this down:
God made sex to be intimate in those three ways–emotional, spiritual, and physical. The world took sex outside of marriage, though, and thus all that is left is the physical. Our pornographic culture makes this even worse, rewiring the brain to become aroused from visual stimuli rather than from a relationship. And soon what is sexy is an anonymous fantasy or the sex act itself, rather than the pull of feeling closer to someone.
Even if you didn’t use porn or erotica, we live in this culture which presents sex this way. And it’s easy to fall prey to that. Our marriage is loving and safe and tame; sex is wild and crazy and almost dangerous.
When we’re just focused on our marriage and family, then, we frequently feel as if we have no libido. When we focus on sex, though, our sexual desire may skyrocket–but it’s not necessarily aimed at our spouse. We may then “want” our spouse, but more in the way that we may reach for a sex toy. We have an itch that only they’re allowed to scratch.
I don’t know the woman who wrote this email, and there could be far more going on than this, but this is a dynamic that I see frequently. We’ve distorted what sex is.
Now, I am not saying that there is anything wrong with sexual desire or sexual feelings.
Please hear this! It’s just that true passion does not grow out of physical feelings alone; and in fact, emotional vulnerability tends to lead to far deeper physical desire. They fuel each other. That is healthy sexual desire. You feel it physically, yes, but it is directed at your spouse.
If you have a sex dream; if you yearn to try something sexually; if you feel really anxious with sexual frustration one day, this does not mean that you’re warped or evil or sinning. That’s not what I’m implying. We were created to have sexual feelings, and we were created to be passionate, and those feelings are good.
The problem comes when sex becomes only about an act, and not about the relationship. That’s when you get this unhealthy, all-or-nothing approach to sex. When something takes all of our emotional and mental energy, so that we can’t focus on anything else, that’s unhealthy. That borders on obsessive. That was not what sex was meant to be. Sex is supposed to be a healthy, passionate expression of our feelings for each other, not something which takes over our lives.
Sex is supposed to be passionate--but it's not supposed to be an obsession. Find the balance: Click To Tweet
So what’s the solution for a healthy libido?
I deal with this in one of the modules in my Boost Your Libido course, but let me make a suggestion. What really fuels sexual passion isn’t porn or sexual fantasy as much as it is deep intimacy. That’s why make up sex is a real thing; when we’re vulnerable with each other, desire often engulfs us!
If we can learn to focus our desire for sex on our spouse, as part of a relationship, then we may find that our libido evens out. We no longer can go weeks without sex; but it also doesn’t consume us at times, either.
Here, then, is your challenge for today:
Your Sizzling Summer Sex Challenge Day 4:
Build closeness and vulnerability as part of foreplay!
Just try it. Either pray together (here are 10 tips to make praying together that easier) or use a few of my conversation starters. But share some deep needs and feelings you have, and you’ll often find that your sexual desire for each other grows, simply because you feel closer to each other.
Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!
Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually.
If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.
The post When Your Libido is All or Nothing appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
July 5, 2017
There is No “Should” in Sex: 10 “Shoulds” We Need to Banish from the Bedroom
One of the biggest roadblocks for sizzling sex is what’s going on in our brains. When we feel guilty, uneasy, or inadequate, it’s hard for sex to feel wonderful. So if you’re expecting yourself to perform sexually or respond sexually a certain way, and you don’t–then sex will fizzle.
It’s Day 3 of our Sizzling Summer Sex Series, and in these preliminary posts I want to dispel a lot of the harmful things we believe about sex that hold us back. We already looked at how dangerous it can be to see women’s sexual pleasure as secondary to his. Now let’s look at some more specifics of things that can cause sizzling sex to fizzle instead.
Do you believe any of these guilt and inadequacy-inducing “shoulds”?
1. Sex should be natural and easy
Everybody on the big screen, when they fall into bed, has an amazing time. So that’s what sex is, right? It should be something that’s easy to do.
And as Christians, we’re almost promised that. “Don’t have sex before you’re married–because then sex will be amazing!” When it’s not, we feel cheated. Or else we feel as if that promise was true for everyone BUT me–so therefore I must be a freak.
The end result is that when sex isn’t great right off the bat, we think it never will be. We give up. There’s either something wrong with sex, or there’s something wrong with us.
In reality, sex is multifaceted. Our bodies, emotions, past experiences, spiritual lives, and so much else combine to make sex what it is. And sometimes we just need to relax and take a little bit of time!
One reason why sex is often difficult for newlyweds? We assume it will be easy!Click To Tweet
2. You shouldn’t really need foreplay
When we think “sex”, we think “intercourse”. And intercourse is certainly central to making love! But the making love encompasses a lot more–it’s anything that is truly intimate that you do physically with your spouse and with no one else. Kissing and touching and paying attention to other parts of the body are also part of sex.
And here’s the thing: the central place for sexual pleasure for men is the penis, which gets tons of stimulation during intercourse. But the central place for sexual pleasure for women is the clitoris, which is outside the vagina, and harder to stimulate during intercourse. That means that most women need to be warmed up! But we tend to take men’s sexual experience as “the norm”, and think that women should somehow adjust to what men need. So if women need foreplay, it’s because there’s something wrong with them. They’re inadequate, unlike men.
Nope. This is how we were made, which means that God intended that there would be foreplay! Why? Because foreplay, in many ways, is more vulnerable than intercourse, as I talked about yesterday. And foreplay means that we have to truly pay attention to each other and communicate more. Foreplay makes sex more personal, and thus more intimate, which was one of God’s big designs in the first place!
For many women, intercourse just doesn’t feel that great. Sometimes you’ll be very aroused during foreplay, but once intercourse starts, you lose that arousal. I give some great tips in both The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex and in 31 Days to Great Sex about how to keep that arousal going during intercourse, but it is something that many women have to learn.
3. You should reach orgasm during intercourse
We also tend to “rank” orgasms. Those that come through intercourse are wonderful; the other ones are like the participation prizes we give to everyone. You may get one, but it doesn’t really count, because you didn’t really do it right.
It’s wonderful to be able to reach orgasm together during intercourse, and I do think couples can learn how. But the main thing is that you feel pleasure. And God really doesn’t mind how that happens between the two of you, if you are dedicated to looking after each other!
4. You should feel turned on and aroused when you’re with your husband
When you watch movies or TV, as soon as the couple is together, they start to pant. Then they kiss. Then they fall into bed.
They are aroused BEFORE they start to make love. So we think we’re supposed to be panting as soon as we see our husbands. When we’re not panting, we figure that we’re not in the mood.
But while men tend to be aroused before they make love, women’s libido is more responsive. We tend to become aroused once we start. So there’s nothing wrong with you if you’re not aroused just looking at him. It doesn’t mean you’re not attracted to him anymore! And if you want to learn more about how libido works, my awesome (and fun!) Boost Your Libido course can help.
5. He should have the higher sex drive
Speaking of libido, we assume that the husband will want sex all the time, and the wife will tend to not want sex quite as often. If you’re the wife in a marriage where it’s reversed, then, you can either feel like you’re some sex-crazed nymphomaniac, or like you’re completely undesirable (because why else would he not want you?)
In truth, we all have different libidos, and in about one quarter to one third of marriages SHE has the higher libido.
I’ve got a whole series on what to do if he doesn’t want sex here.
6. Even so, you should still want sex a lot
Even if it’s assumed that you’ll have the lower sex drive, though, we still feel like we should want sex frequently. Then, if we don’t, we assume that there’s something wrong. But again–our libidos tend to be responsive. If you don’t feel a high level of desire it doesn’t mean you’re asexual, frigid, or even that you don’t like sex. If you accept the fact that sometimes your libido needs some prodding to get going, you can still have an active and satisfying sex life, even if you don’t go through the day longing for night to come!
7. You should like “X” (whatever X may be)
“You should enjoy oral sex.” “You should like being touched there.” “That’s an errogenous zone–it should feel good.” There’s a whole list of things that we all are “supposed” to like. You can even read about them on the covers of magazines at the checkout!
But we are all different. We all have different backgrounds, which may make some sexual acts a bit of a turnoff. We all have different sensitivities, which may make some things feel overwhelming, or else underwhelming. While I think intercourse is a vital part of a good sex life, I think the rest is really up to the two of you. If there’s something that you’re “supposed” to like, but you just don’t, that’s okay.
I’ve got a longer post on “I don’t like it when my husband touches me THERE” that explores this in more detail.
8. You should get pleasure from what brings your spouse pleasure
Here’s another scenario that often creeps up: One spouse really likes a particular thing, but then if the spouse does it as a “gift” without getting much out of it themselves, there’s some resentment. “If I like this, you should like it, too!”
Let’s remember that sex is the joining of two different people. You both may not like the same things. When we see sex in mostly selfish terms, where we want to get our needs met, then it’s easy to demand that our spouse sees sex in exactly the same way as we do–and to feel bitter if they do not. It somehow ruins our sexual experience if they’re not as enthusiastic as we are about something.
But God made sex to be mutual, and sexuality was designed to help us be givers, rather than takers. To reach climax together requires us to understand each other’s bodies and to communicate and listen. If we’re taking one person’s sexual experience as the standard to which the other should reach, we’re approaching it all wrong.
9. You should know what makes each other feel good
Because we know what makes us feel good (or at least we tend to), we often assume that we know everything there is to know about sex. We know how we like to be touched, so we assume that we know how our spouse likes to be touched, too. But men and women tend to like to be touched in very different ways. And no two people tend to like exactly the same things in the same way, either. So just because you may have had sexual experience with someone else does not mean that you know how your spouse works.
Most people are not wonderful lovers overnight. You need to learn together what makes each other feel good. And you are not the standard for your spouse. Your spouse doesn’t need to like the same things as you, but your spouse should be willing to learn how to make you feel good.
10. You should have sex at least every 72 hours
Finally, we often hear the message that you to have sex at least every three days or else the sexual frustration will be too much, especially for men. I actually partially agree with this–I do think that a frequent sex life is super important, and learning how to make each other feel wonderful and learning how to feel intimate together is such an amazing experience. If we make this as frequent as possible, we’ll create wonderful marriages.
But at the same time, sometimes life conspires to get in the way. People have shift work. People get sick. Babies come along. If you are prioritizing sex and intimacy in your marriage, but every 72 hours just isn’t happening, there’s no need to feel guilty. Not everyone’s life works on a clockwork schedule, and so not everyone’s sex life needs to, either.
10 'Shoulds' Christians should banish from the bedroom: Let's stop inducing guilt!Click To Tweet
I was inspired to write this piece by a comment that was left a little while ago, about what should happen during sex.
And I’m going to let her have the last word–because it’s pretty good!
On numerous times I remind myself and my husband that there is no “should” in sex. It’s easy to say to your partner: you should be into this; you should be turned on right now; you should have an orgasm; you should like what I’m doing. But “should” just puts a lot of undue pressure on each other. I think it’s great to say, I like this or please do more of that or less of this, but telling someone what “should” work is pointless. Find out what DOES work and do that.
Amen! Now, ready for your challenge?
Your Sizzling Summer Sex Challenge:
Which “should” plagues you the most in your marriage?
Choose just one and talk about it with your spouse. How can you make this area of your sex life less guilt-inducing and more fun–with more freedom and acceptance to boot?
Sizzling Summer Sex Series:
Day One: Why Her Pleasure Matters
Day Two: Let Him Give You a Hand!
The post There is No “Should” in Sex: 10 “Shoulds” We Need to Banish from the Bedroom appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
July 4, 2017
Why Not Let Your Husband “Give You a Hand”?
We’re in Day Two of our Sizzling Summer Sex Series! I know it’s July 4 today (Happy Independence Day to all my American readers!), and so likely a fair number of you are out with family barbecues and beach trips and generally having fun. So I’m going to save my big Top 10 post, that I normally post on Tuesday, for tomorrow when all are back.
But today I want to follow-up on what we were talking about yesterday: women’s sexual pleasure matters. And yet far too often we women feel very strange asking for what we need.
These first few days of the Sizzling Summer Sex Challenge are going to deal with this underlying roadblock many women have because they feel awkward asking for sexual pleasure themselves. If you’re not in this boat, that’s wonderful! And in a few days we’ll have some challenges that will have more relevance to you. But we need to get this right first!
Many women find climax super hard to achieve
When I wrote The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, I surveyed thousands of women and asked them all about their sex lives (if you’re one of my long-time readers and you filled out that survey, thank you!). And what I found was that 36% women rarely or never reached orgasm. It just didn’t happen.
I feel great sympathy for them, and truly understand the frustration. The difficulty is that it can easily become a vicious cycle: the longer you go without reaching orgasm, the more uptight you feel, but the more uptight you feel, the harder it is to reach orgasm. So my advice has often been, “calm down, relax, chart your hormones, and keep trying!”
But I know that doesn’t always work.
So let’s go a little deeper today and explore what’s actually going on.
Why do women have such a hard time reaching orgasm with their husbands–even through manual or oral stimulation, which is usually easier?
To be completely frank, most women can bring themselves to climax through self-stimulation in under 5 minutes.
Yet if your husband tries to do the same thing, it often doesn’t happen–or at least it takes much longer.
It’s easy to blame this on him–“he’s just not touching me right!” And there is some logic in that. He doesn’t know how things feel, so he can’t adjust his touch accordingly the way you can.
But that’s not the only factor. I think the other problem is that it’s just plain awkward.
It’s far more vulnerable to have him bring you to orgasm with his fingers than it is to make love, because when he’s bringing you to orgasm, he’s able to watch you. He’s in control and you’re not. During intercourse, you’re both not in control. His focus is not just on you; it’s also on what he’s feeling. But when he’s just trying to stimulate you, you’re very vulnerable. It’s almost like you’re on display.
For women, asking husbands to help us reach climax is very awkward. And very vulnerable. Click To Tweet
This makes it a catch-22. For women to reach orgasm reliably during intercourse, we have to be much more attuned to how our bodies work, and so do our husbands. That’s hard to do without learning how to stimulate her to orgasm first, so that you start to learn how arousal works for her. But that kind of stimulation is far more vulnerable. So many women willingly opt for a climax-less intercourse time than for him to bring us to orgasm himself.
Especially when you’re just married and just getting used to sex, intercourse is actually easier (unless there’s pain involved). But the problem is that this likely won’t get you where you want to go.
Can The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex Help Me Reach Orgasm?
Absolutely!The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex is all about how to make sex great in each of the three areas of intimacy: spiritual, emotional, and physical. And so it explains step by step how to make sex feel awesome for you, along with some great tips on reach the Big O.
If you’ve ever wondered what all the fuss is about–check out The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex!
A few years ago a friend wrote a post for this blog that she called “Honeymoon Blues to “O”ver the Rainbow“. She and her husband totally loved each other, but they just could not get THERE. And she asked some advice, and an older woman told her, “don’t stop until you get there.”
Read the whole story about her first orgasm here–it’s so real and kind of funny.
Let me add–Don’t stop getting there
“Don’t stop until you get there” is great advice for trying to reach your first orgasm with your husband.
Some of the best advice for reaching climax: Don't stop until you get there!Click To Tweet
But I’m going to add one more little bit: don’t stop getting there. Don’t let orgasm become something rare in your marriage, that you only reach every now and then. The more that you learn how your body works, the easier it will be to reach orgasm. The closer and more vulnerable you will feel with your husband (and vulnerability is a good thing, by the way!). And the better intercourse will work, too.
So often when he’s trying to satisfy you and nothing is happening we can start feeling guilty or anxious.
“Is he bored? Is he wondering why this is taking so long? Would he rather just stop? Why am I making him do this when it’s not having much of an effect?”
The more we say these things to ourselves, the harder it is to get aroused and definitely the harder it is to reach orgasm.
More often that not, we push him away, thinking, “we should just get on with the main event anyway.” Because that’s how we see it–intercourse is the main event. His sexual pleasure is the main event. And we’re holding things up.
But your sexual pleasure matters, too. And the more you can reach orgasm through stimulation, the easier it will be to reach orgasm during intercourse. You can get to the point where he arouses you so you’re just on the edge–and then you can start intercourse. But that won’t happen until you both learn your body’s cues.
So instead of that self-defeating talk, try this:
My husband wants to give me pleasure. This is going to feel amazing. I was created to feel this!
And now, one more thing I want you to do. And it’s pretty big:
Your Sizzling Summer Sex Challenge:
If he’s had difficulty bringing you to orgasm, or you just don’t insist on one very often, then it’s time to be more vulnerable!
Tonight, show him how you want to be touched. Let him watch, or else hold his fingers and use his fingers on yourself so he sees what feels good. Teach him how to do make you feel amazing!
Even if you feel awkward, just try it! And join us for the rest of July for more Sizzling Summer Sex challenges!
Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!
Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually.
If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.
The post Why Not Let Your Husband “Give You a Hand”? appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
July 3, 2017
There Should Be Fireworks! Why Women’s Sexual Pleasure Matters
And here’s why: too often we think it’s an afterthought.
Sex seems mostly about HIS pleasure. After all, it ends when he has an orgasm. And so women play a game called “beat the clock”. We try to reach climax before he’s done, which is often difficult, since often what feels great for him doesn’t feel great for us. We’re straining and trying and making a lot of effort to make it for us too–to somehow get something out of this thing which is mostly for him–and often we fail.
Everyday in July I’m going to be talking about how to make sex better in your marriage. And today’s our first installment! I wanted to start with this one so important truth:
God made sex to feel amazing for women, too. Women are not an afterthought.
It’s not like sex is for him, and it’s a bonus if she feels good. It’s that sex was always supposed to be mutual. Her pleasure was always supposed to matter.
God intended women to have pleasure in marriage. Her satisfaction should not be an afterthought!Click To Tweet
Do you know how I know that? Because God gave women a clitoris.
That’s right. God gave women a piece of anatomy that has no other purpose other than sexual pleasure. That’s it. That’s the only reason we have it. It’s a little knob of nerves that feels really good!
And you know what else is interesting about that little knob? It’s outside of the vagina. And that means that God intended sexual activity to not only be focused on genitalia, when he is inside you. He also intended us to touch each other, to kiss each other, to experience all of each other.
Do you know why women often don’t like sex?
Because it just plain doesn’t do much for them. We have focused sex so much on the man, that women’s sexual pleasure is often secondary.
And this is often not the husband’s doing, either. We women can be to blame. We feel as if we should have an orgasm from intercourse alone, and so we feel guilty asking for anything else. We feel as if our bodies should respond to the same things that his does, and so when our bodies don’t, we figure that there’s something wrong with us.
The man has become the standard in what sexual pleasure should be, and we women often play catch-up.
And then people wonder why women aren’t that into sex.
If we frame sex as primarily being about men's needs, then why should women enjoy it?Click To Tweet
Here’s what all too often happens when couples make love:
You just lie there, trying to get excited and failing, and then start to wonder how long it’s going to take because you just want to get to sleep.
Or maybe you throw yourself into it and you’re all gross and sweaty, but you never reach climax. Afterwards you’re all sticky and slimy, and you’ve got to change the sheets, and oh no, the lube got on the blanket so you’ve got to wash that, too, so it doesn’t stain. And then you really don’t want to go to bed with… you know what dripping down your legs, so you half waddle with your knees pressed together to the bathroom where you jump in the shower.
And he needs to shower, too, but you don’t want to shower together because there’s not a lot of room and you just had sex and it was just “meh” and you’re just kind of bummed and ready for bed and, honestly, a little bit ticked that he made you go through this whole ordeal to begin with.
Does any of that sound familiar? No wonder women so often aren’t excited about it! We go through a lot of mental gymnastics, and a lot of awkward stuff, and then it doesn’t even feel good anyway.
I wrote my Boost Your Libido course to help women feel more excited about sex, and that course truly can do wonders for you! But one of the big points I make in it is that you can’t get excited about something that just plain isn’t fun. It’s like trying to lie to yourself. “Yes, I really want this!” But you don’t. Because there’s no reason to.
So let’s change that thinking! Just like I said in the course, let’s make sex for you, too!
Could the Boost Your Libido Course help me?
Do you want to feel more excited about sex–but just never seem to be able to get there?
Do you find that you can get aroused, but you just rarely do? Do you yearn to actually long for sex again?
You can get there! I’ll show you how your mind and body both work to grow (or shrink) your libido, and I’ll have step-by-step exercises you can do now where you can start seeing immediate results!
I’m not saying that you have to reach orgasm every single time. Not at all! Sometimes a quickie is just the prescription, and no one needs that kind of pressure, anyway. But not reaching orgasm should be the exception, not the rule. In too many marriages, that’s reversed.
Now, if you’re a guy reading this, please understand: Your wife’s pleasure matters, no matter what she says.
Your wife may say that it doesn’t matter if she doesn’t reach orgasm. Your wife may say that she’s fine and that she’s had a good time, and she may genuinely look like that. In fact, she may genuinely feel that. She may emotionally be fine with the idea that you’ve had a great time, and she’s felt close to you, and that’s all that really matters.
But that isn’t all that really matters.
She was created for more. And she will never be able to truly desire sex if it doesn’t feel that great for her.
Again, that does not mean that she has to reach orgasm every single time. Please don’t put that pressure on her, or on you. Sometimes our brains just won’t shut off, and our bodies just won’t cooperate.
But that should be the exception, not the rule. God intended her to experience sexual pleasure, and he gave you to her as your wife so that you would be the one to help her experience that. That’s your job! So if she’s shy, if she’s hesitant, if she’s feeling guilty for asking for something: let her know that this is what you want for her. And that you want to explore this together.
If you’re a woman reading this, hear this: You need to start expecting an orgasm.
I don’t mean that you start to criticize his performance, or that you have to reach an orgasm every time. But if he offers to try to make you feel good, don’t push him away and say you’re fine afterwards because you just want to get to sleep. If he wants to keep exploring, even after he’s satisfied, let him. If he wants to satisfy you first, and you’re feeling super awkward and you don’t like all that attention being on you at once–well, let’s find a way to get over that.
It’s not a healthy situation in a marriage to spend years making sex mostly for him, and denying the fact that you need something, too.
If you’re already quite orgasmic in your sex life, and you’re just looking for more tips from this series, stay tuned!
If this isn’t a problem that you have, we’ll get to other things that can help you in the next few days and weeks, too. But this is the most fundamental mind shift that we need to make, right off the bat: You were intended to experience pleasure. A woman’s sexual pleasure should not always be secondary to his.
Until we understand that, then it will be fruitless mental gymnastics to try to get ourselves excited and enthusiastic about something that just plain isn’t that fun. I’m not asking women to lie to themselves or to think that something that isn’t satisfying is actually sizzling. If it’s not sizzling, it’s okay to admit that. What I am asking is that we start a mind shift where HE is not the standard in what we should experience, and our own needs actually matter. That’s how you get on the road to a satisfying sex life!
Your Sizzling Summer Sex Challenge:
Tonight, bring her to orgasm without intercourse (even if she is normally orgasmic through intercourse). Let her be the focus of sexual pleasure. Of course, she can return the favour if she wants. But let her receive the gift of knowing that her pleasure matters, too!
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June 30, 2017
Why It’s Important to Get This Sex Thing Right Early in a Marriage
Tomorrow is Canada’s 150th anniversary, so all the houses in my subdivision have little tiny Canadian flags in their flower beds (including mine, of course). And we’ll all be having parties tomorrow (although unfortunately the weather calls for rain on the big day, at least here in Ontario).
And then my American friends will celebrate just a few days later.
And I thought fireworks was a pretty good way to launch our Sizzling Summer Sex series, which is coming to you on Monday! Every weekday in July we’ll be talking practical tips, encouragement, and insight on how to make sex rock.
I tend to talk about all kinds of different aspects of marriage and parenting on the blog, but sex is really my favourite subject–largely because it’s the one I had the most problem with when I was married. I know what it’s like to want your sex life to be much better than it is, and to have no hope of how to get there.
And so I thought it was time to dedicate a whole month to it!
Sex is meant to be awesome, but it isn’t awesome automatically.
It was designed to actually take some work, so that we could also work on communication and other wonderful things. So there’s nothing wrong with you if sex isn’t working the greatest yet. You just may need a few tips, and that’s what I want to share with you now!
Because when sex isn’t working well, we can get really down on ourselves. We can feel guilty, and then ironically pull away from our spouses, because we assume they’re upset at us, too. And it can cause this downward spiral.
But what if fixing things isn’t as hard as you may think?
I hope the tips I’ll share with you this summer are ones that can really turn everything around for you! (and if you have a specific question you want me to cover, just email it to me here, and I’ll try to fit it in!)
You can always learn something new!
Sometimes it’s working fairly well, but you’re worried you’re getting into a rut. Stop worrying. After this month, ruts will be a thing of the past!
But finally,
It’s harder to fix something the longer you wait
I hope that you all are just eager to jump in and make some great changes and move forward!
But if you’re unsure, I just want you to heed some warnings from some older women:
I have been very “stuck” for YEARS, but don’t really want to stay that way. I wish I would have pursued it sooner, before my menopause and my husband’s Type 1 diabetes were contributing factors. I feel like even if I could fix the libido “thing” in my head, the physical conditions are still a frustrating and discouraging reality.
I have described menopause as “nothing works, and I don’t care.” Originally the not caring was because of a lack of hormones, but it has become an emotional not caring, a shutting down. I pray for the Lord’s help to soften my heart and believe that change is possible.
That’s so sad. And I understand where she’s at. I’ve had so many women in menopause tell me that now they just can’t respond sexually, even if they want to. Things have changed too much.
What often happens with couples is that after marriage, sex isn’t that great for the wife. But she doesn’t want to say anything because she’s a little insecure and shy. Soon children come, and it’s easy to throw her energies into the kids. Sex goes on the backburner. It’s always a simmering problem that causes distance, but the kids are enough to keep the relationship going.
Then the kids grow up. And you’re left with your husband. And you realize: I’ve never really enjoyed sex. I’ve never really figured out what it is to be a woman. I’ve been cheated all these years! And she gets angry and wants to do something about it. But it almost feels too late.
It’s never too late, and if you’re in that situation, stay tuned! I’ll have some great tips for you.
But if you’re younger, heed her warning. Don’t let years go by where this isn’t great. Fix it now. It’s so much easier in your twenties and thirties than it is in your forties, fifties, or sixties!
So let the fireworks start! And I wish all my fellow Canadians an absolutely amazing (and hopefully not too wet) Canada Day for our 150th, and to my Americans, have fun as you gear up for July 4th!
Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!
Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually.
If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.
The post Why It’s Important to Get This Sex Thing Right Early in a Marriage appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
June 29, 2017
7 Things the Purity Culture Failed to Teach Me
Last week was a super heavy one on this blog–I decided it was time to attack the main argument of the “every man’s battle” group and say that lustful thoughts are not universal among men. Boy did that lead to some heated discussion!
And it seems like I’ve had a lot of that lately. Last month one of the biggest posts on this blog was when I shared my daughter Katie’s video on how the purity culture teaches sex wrong.
It really resonated with so many of you! I think we need to start listening to millennials who grew up in the purity culture movement, because so many parents have tried to teach their kids to wait for marriage to have sex, and have inadvertently shared some dangerous messages that they never intended to. I spelled these out in my post 10 things that scare me about the purity culture.
When I was talking about this on Twitter recently, Rebecca Lemke, aka New Crunchy Mom, came to my attention. She’s just written a book on the purity culture called The Scarlet Virgins: When sex replaces salvation. (It’s awesome!) And she has a really important message!
So today I asked her to share a few of her insights with us. Instead of talking about what the purity culture taught wrong, she’s instead going to talk about the things that she’ll be teaching her son about sex–that she never heard when she was growing up.
Let’s get back to putting sex and salvation in their rightful places–and teaching about both in a healthy manner!
Here’s Rebecca:
I grew up in Christian Purity Culture.
The kind that said any crush I had before my husband was an “emotional STD” and meant that I had “given my heart away.” The kind where kissing, hugging, and hand-holding were viewed as gateway drugs to sex (and obviously forbidden before marriage).
In this environment, sexuality was treated as unequivocally dangerous. As a result, my friends and I found ourselves suppressing our own sexuality during our most formative years.
I was taught that “purity” was a central part of my identity. Dare I say, even more central than my faith in Jesus.
Fast-forward to my marriage after a two-year courtship with my husband, when I began to suffer the after-effects of growing up in Purity Culture. Despite the fact that all of my sexual activity had been reserved for marriage, I still experienced suppression, trauma, and shame from the teachings of Purity Culture. As I worked through the false doctrine endemic to the movement, my eyes began to open to many things – like the way bad analogies hurt sexually abused individuals – and I felt I could not stay silent.
My vocal criticism of Purity Culture, combined with my insistence that the marriage bed is indeed to be kept pure, has led many to ask what I plan to teach my son about purity and sex.
After careful introspection, I know what I want to impress upon him and what I will avoid at all costs. In an effort to prevent my son from growing up with the dangerous misconceptions I did, while simultaneously avoiding giving him license to sin, I am teaching him these seven things about sex.
1. Sex isn’t dirty.
The message I received in Purity Culture was that sex was inherently “dirty.” Through the desperate attempts to keep my generation’s youth from giving their virginity away or becoming “impure,” thought leaders in the purity movement used rhetoric that either outright said “sex is bad” or implied it through the language and catchphrases they used. Analogies like “chewed gum,” “spit in water,” and “de-petaled flower” were oft-cited to teach us that if we shared any form of physical affection with the opposite sex (even simply holding hands), we were used and dirty.
I am teaching my son the truth: that sex is a beautiful and powerful thing. He will know that powerful things should be handled with responsibility. If he falls short, he can repent and ask for forgiveness.
As powerful as sex is, sin in this area is not more powerful than God’s grace.
2. Woman are sexual.
The misconception that women aren’t sexual or that women “just take it” is something that I believe hurts us all in a very real way.
There are so many women out there who believe that they are in the wrong for enjoying sex, so they suppress their enjoyment in favor of being icy. Purity Culture pushed the narrative that feminine sexual enjoyment is abnormal to keep us in line, despite the fact that it is grossly incorrect.
Internalizing this error caused us to be unable to connect with our husbands, even when we wanted to. It crushed our healthy sexuality in order to produce the “result” of virginity.
I know now that sex isn’t meant to be a one-sided activity, and teaching my son the truth will ensure that he doesn’t internalize this rank misinformation.
7 Things the Purity Culture Failed to Teach Me About Sex: Click To Tweet
3. Men aren’t just “visual.”
“Men are visual” is one of the many phrases that I find particularly damaging to men and their relationships with women. It is used to justify the unacceptable behaviors of predators and downplay their responsibility to act like civilized human beings. This has the effect of stigmatizing one perfectly natural form of sexual stimulation and paints a picture of men that is not holistic. Sexuality for both men and women is more than just one form of stimulation.
There is another reason why this phrase upsets me as well.
Growing up I was told that since men are visual, it was my responsibility as a woman to take care of their consciences because they couldn’t help themselves. I always thought it was odd that I was expected to wear long sleeves and jeans to swim, while the same parents that asked that of me let their own sons swim shirtless. At that young age, I was already aware of the fact that women are also visual.
As a society, we often think of the sexuality of men and women in terms of how they display it. The societal trope is that men express their sexuality through visual means like pornography, while women do so through emotional affairs within erotica novels. I don’t believe that either of these views paint the whole picture.
Women are clearly visual as well, otherwise I don’t know how to explain the horde of women I know who went to Magic Mike just to see the shirtless men. In like manner, men enjoy emotional fantasies in their sexual lives, which is not just “visual.”
I won’t be teaching my son this false notion that men are one thing and women are another when it comes to sexual stimulation. He will know that he is not strange or different if he does not fit into this stereotype and that he is accountable for his actions no matter whether he was “visually stimulated” or not.
4. Consent matters.
When I was a child, there were a few families in my community that experienced the pain of affairs. In the wake of such affairs, the discussion always turned to what the wife could have done better. People speculated that she had been sexually depriving her husband, going so far as to say that it was her fault that her husband strayed.
This led to lectures for the girls about how we should never turn our husbands down for sex because “the Bible says so.” Many of us went into marriage having never been introduced to the concepts of consent, coercion, or sexual assault within marriage.
Thankfully, my husband has always presented me with real choices so that I knew I wouldn’t encounter push back if I truly didn’t want to do anything sexually at any given time. Because of my husband’s respect and love, I am confident in impressing upon my son that he and his future wife can both say no to each other whenever they feel they want or need to.
5. Performance is overrated.
I’ve heard so many people who claim, “If you wait until you are married to have sex, it will be amazing, passionate sex.” Over and over Purity Culture leaders promised things like this, asserting that it would be “worth the wait.”
Men already have to deal with the pressure to perform sexually without this narrative, so it only adds fuel to the fire.
The truth is that sex is a learning process, and when you don’t know your own anatomy because sex education has been withheld from you, it is even more difficult to figure out. It can take people years to learn how to have fulfilling sex with their spouse, even if they don’t have the emotional and spiritual baggage of Purity Culture.
What this prosperity gospel promise also fails to consider is that we should not wait until marriage so that we can have “great sex.” Marriage is not just about sex anyways, but this motivation is completely off. I will be teaching my son that sex is a learning process and does not guarantee smoldering honeymoon sex.
A woman who grew up in the purity culture talks about unlearning everything she knew about sex:Click To Tweet
6. True empowerment comes from the right motivation.
The motivations we have when it comes to sexual purity are often misplaced. Some people bought purity rings simply because they were cool or because all of their friends were doing it. Occasionally they served as a self-righteous status symbol to distinguish between “real Christians” and “fake Christians” (yes, I really have seen that happen). And, as I mentioned before, sometimes waiting for marriage to have sex is a decision prompted by the promise of amazing honeymoon sex.
All of these motivations are incorrect. We are inspired to follow God’s commands because of Jesus. All of these motivations distract from Him. His love empowers us to strive for purity, even when we fall short. My son will learn that any benefits to waiting outside of because God says to are “extra” and not meant to be the real motivation.
7. Don’t find your worth in your sexuality.
My friends and I found our worth in our virginity and purity because that is what we were taught to do. The ramifications of this teaching have yet to be fully realized, but include tendencies towards self-harm, addictions, eating disorders, anxiety, depression, suicidal tendencies, and spiritual apostasy. While many brush this off because Purity Culture “had good intentions,” these things are not child’s play. These are serious emotional, physical, and spiritual injuries brought about by focusing on the wrong thing.
Our worth should have never been found in what we had and had not done sexually. Even without Purity Culture’s standards, we would likely fall short. This should point us to Christ and His sacrifice for us, but instead it pointed to behavioral modifications on how we could fix the problem ourselves.
God wants us – my son included – to be defined as His children, not by our own actions. He has shown us our worth through the death and resurrection of His Son Jesus, and I think it is about high time that we finally open our eyes and see that.
Oklahoma native Rebecca Lemke grew up in a tiny conservative homeschooling community. She has learned firsthand that the manner in which we approach modesty and purity can be the difference between life and death, both spiritually and physically. As the result of her deep-seated belief in holistic living, which includes holistic spirituality and sexuality, she strongly advocates for Christ to be our ultimate focus.Rebecca has written a book entitled The Scarlet Virgins: When Sex Replaces Salvation about her experience with legalism, spiritual abuse, and Purity Culture.
(Sheila here: This book is really awesome! If you’ve been struggling with things you were taught about sexuality growing up in a hyper-purity movement, Rebecca explains the effects so well here, and points us to a better way!)
She also releases podcasts on the same subjects at scarletvirgins.com. Rebecca now lives with her husband and toddler, enjoying the simple things in life with them, like root beer and bacon.
What’s your favourite lesson from these seven? Share it in the comments below!
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