Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 133

How to Stop Feeling Like a Failure with Your Sex Life

I’ve written so much about this it’s hard to sum it up in just one post. But I’m going to try!

Have you ever heard it said that men are like microwaves and women are like slow cookers? I think what they mean is that men heat up quickly, while women take longer to “get in the mood“.

I don’t buy it.

That analogy assumes that, given enough time, a woman WILL always get in the mood. And that’s not true for one simple reason: for women, sex is almost entirely in our heads. If our heads aren’t in the game, our bodies won’t follow. So what we think about sex has a tremendous influence on how much we enjoy our sex lives.

And one thing I found when writing The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex is that many of us feel awfully defeated when it comes to sex. I know I did in the first few years of our marriage. It didn’t feel very wonderful, he wanted it all the time, and I was always inadequate. It seemed like a big rip off to women for me.

What I didn’t understand was how wonderfully intimate it is when you are able to make love, and not just have sex.

That’s hard to do if you’re seeing sex in a negative way. So let me encourage you here this morning. So many women give up at sex because it seems like too much hassle. Or it doesn’t work well. Or they just feel inadequate.

But if God created sex to be something beautiful and fulfilling and intimate for you, why would you deprive yourself of that? Don’t let personal doubts and condemnations stop you from experiencing all that God has for you!

You can’t revive your sex life if you’re feeling like a failure.

So we need to confront these feelings honestly, and put these doubts and fears behind us. So let me assure you, as firmly as I can, that:

You are not a failure if sex doesn’t feel that wonderful to you.

Women do have a harder time becoming aroused than men do, and it takes more work to figure out how to make it feel good. In the surveys I did for my book, the best years for sexual satisfaction are years 16-20 of marriage. Sometimes it takes a while to get it right! So if it’s not feeling that great, that’s okay. Just take that as a challenge to start a fun research project with your husband!

You are not a failure if you’re packing some extra pounds.

Not even supermodels look like supermodels–they’re all air brushed! No, you may not have a perfect body, but your body is the only one that your husband is allowed to enjoy. And your body is the vehicle that God has given you to enjoy sex with. Don’t let your own insecurities rob you and your husband of passion. If he wants you, then you’re desirable, and you’re beautiful, no matter what you may think of yourself.

You are not a failure if your husband uses porn.

That doesn’t mean you did anything wrong. Most men are really tempted by this.

You are not a failure if you started out marriage with sexual baggage.

Most Christian women did. Fewer than 40% of Christian women were virgins when they were married (according to the surveys I did). Yes, you didn’t live up to God’s plan. But your purity is not based on what you did with your body; your purity is based on what Jesus did with His. And now you and your husband are one flesh, new creations in God’s sight. Don’t let your past rob you of your present.

You are not even a failure if you don’t like sex very much!

A lot of women wonder what all the fuss is about. Wondering if it is really so great is nothing bad; but letting that belief stop you from embracing it, or from trying to discover how to truly enjoy making love, is.

You are not a failure if your sex drive is much lower than your husband’s.

It doesn’t mean that you’ll never be enough for him. It doesn’t mean that you’ll always be in conflict over this. It just means that you need to understand each other more. (And one more hint: when you understand the nature of a woman’s sex drive, you’ll see that we normally aren’t that turned on until we start making love. So go in with a good attitude, even if you don’t feel particularly sexy, and your body will usually follow!).

Need more help with this one? Check out my Boost Your Libido course!

And finally, you are not a failure if your husband has a low sex drive.

This doesn’t mean that you aren’t desirable. It just means that he has some issues with his libido, but God is big enough even for those.

So don’t let these thoughts defeat you! Your marriage is worth so much more than that. Instead, just see sex as something beautiful that God made for both of you, and then start an action plan for how you’re going to get it “great”! Two good places to start:

The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex
29 Days to Great Sex (my series that I wrote!)

Start thinking positive thoughts about sex, instead of negative ones, and it can change the whole dynamic of your sex life, and your marriage.

Have you ever felt like a failure in the sex department? What helped you out of that rut? Let’s talk in the comments!

Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!


Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually.

If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.

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Top 10 Unpopular Truths Your Teenage Son Needs to Know

What are you teaching your teenage son about what it means to be a man?

I talk a lot on the blog about how to raise girls–because I have two! In fact, as we speak my girls and I are working on an online course to help parents teach their daughters about puberty and sex (it’s going to be awesome!). But I’m at a bit of a loss when it comes to teenage boys, because I never had any.

And so I’m thrilled to welcome Barrett Johnson, a really wise guy (in the good sense of the phrase!) to come and talk to us today. He’s just released an awesome, accessible book called The Young Man’s Guide to Awesomeness to help parents have those hard conversations with their sons and let me tell you–it looks, well, awesome.

So excited to have him on the blog today. Here’s Barrett:

My boys are quickly becoming men.

Sadly, I have to confess that I haven’t always known how to help them to grow up. The culture they are living in certainly hasn’t helped.

In his groundbreaking book, “Guyland,” sociologist Michael Kimmel determined that young men today have been allowed to remain boys for far too long. Where adolescence used to transition into adulthood by age 19 or 20, now (for many) adolescence lasts well past 25.

These young “men” might be educated and employed, but they are still functionally boys. Their lives are characterized by a desire to have fun and be entertained. Their money is spent not on the future or for a greater good, but on expensive toys and activities. They see girls as something to chase and use. They give no thought to growing up or having a life of purpose and meaning. At least not yet.

I desperately want to help my sons to do better and to live differently. I want to set a high bar for them regarding character and purity. I want them to treat women with respect. I want them to learn how to be Godly men, not just, as Mark Driscoll calls them, “boys who can shave.”

This means that I have to talk to them about a few unpopular truths. This list of 10 things has served as the outline for my new book, “The Young Man’s Guide to Awesomeness: How to Guard Your Heart, Get the Girl, and Save the World.” It has been designed to help teenage guys like yours to start thinking about what matters in their lives. It is also the perfect way to “tee up” these important conversations with the young man in your life.

Here are some of the unpopular truths that your son needs to know:

1. The choices he makes now have the power to set the course of his life.

He can’t afford to make the “I’m just a teenager” excuse. He needs to know that his life has already started and that the trajectory of his life is being set right now.

2. Porn is just as addictive as any drug.

Most every man wants to look, but the internet has provided your son’s generation with unlimited accessibility. That’s why 60% of our teenage guys are now addicted.

(PSST: If you want some more information about protecting your children from porn, check out my post about it here: 3 Easy Habits to Become a Porn-Free Home)

3. Masturbation is a habit that has the power to undermine his future marriage.

Our guys need to know that sex is best when it is given, not when it is taken. Young men who have a habit of masturbation are training their bodies and brains to be selfish. And selfishness gets in the way of just about everything in marriage.

4. He probably doesn’t need a girlfriend just yet.

Most teen romantic relationships are characterized by selfishness and sexual temptation. If the relationship is not going to help him to be more of what God wants him to be, then he’s probably not ready.

5. Sexual activity should be saved for marriage.

He knows the big reasons why his sexuality is precious and worth guarding. (Hint: it has nothing to do with pregnancy or STDs.)

6. Practicing the long-lost art of chivalrous manhood will set him apart.

Most guys in our world are consumers of girls. He needs to learn how to be a young man who guards, protects, and honors the women in his life.

7. God’s plan for your son’s life might involve doing difficult things.

Instead of filling his days with video game adventures and entertainment, he needs to discover the calling that God has for his life. It might be hard, but it will be good.

8. Walking with God is the most important thing for him to learn.

Through his life, he will hear plenty of voices telling him what is important. Only One voice truly matters. That’s why it’s so important for him know God personally.

9. He’s going to screw up sometimes. And that’s okay.

Too many of our young men believe that when they blow it, God is mad at them. So they distance themselves further from Him. Your son desperately needs to know that God offers forgiveness and a fresh start. Every time.

10. Life is short and he can’t afford to waste his life.

He may not have it all figured out yet (who of us does?) but your son can start getting his life moving in the right direction now.

Start Teaching Your Son These Things Now!

If one or more of these truths resonates with you, you’re not alone. In our work with families, we often hear the frustration of parents who want to train their teenagers to not just blend in with their peers. They want to call their young men to a higher standard. We talk to dads who want to have these “talks” but who feel ill-equipped to do so. They don’t know where to begin.

These very themes (and many more like them) make up the bulk of “The Young Man’s Guide to Awesomeness.” We created a book that guys would want to read and that would open up some meaningful conversations between parents and their kids.

The “guide” covers three main themes: how to guard your heart (sexual purity), get the girl (principles for relating to the opposite sex), and save the world (keys to building a life of significance).

The book has an easy-to-read format, lots of art, and 25 QR codes that connect to videos that will enhance your son’s reading experience. There are also great discussion questions as the end of every chapter so that parents can engage in the process.

Guys from about age 13-23 will benefit from reading the book. It deals rather openly with issues like porn and self-gratification, so if you don’t think your son is ready for that, then you might want to wait. (Though most parents push these issues back way too far, thinking their sons aren’t dealing with them yet. They probably are.)

If you are looking for a way to introduce these “unpopular truths” to your son, then we invite you to put “The Young Man’s Guide to Awesomeness” into his hands and see what happens.

You can find it on Amazon and at www.INFOforFamilies.com starting May 15.

Barrett Johnson is the founder of I.N.F.O. for Families, a ministry designed to help “Imperfect & Normal Families Only.” (That’s basically everybody.) The husband to Jenifer and the father of five kids, he is committed to helping young men live awesome lives and to successfully navigate our hyper-sexualized culture. Find out more at www.INFOforFamilies.com.
What are some lessons you think teenage boys need to know? Which are your favourites of these 10? Let us know in the comments below!

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Reader question: How Do I Kiss a Beard?

How do you kiss a man with a beard?

What if it’s scratchy? Stinky? Prickly?

Every Monday I like to post a reader question and take a stab at answering it, and I LOVE today’s reader’s question for a whole lot of reasons. First, it’s not depressing. Last week’s on husbands going to strip clubs was depressing. Second, this is so timely for me, because my husband has just started growing a full beard! So let’s dive in:

A woman asks, “why do I hate my husband’s beard so much?”

I’ve been married to my best friend for 27 years. For the past year, he has been growing a full beard. He keeps it groomed and conditioned and it smells ok … but it has taken on a life of its own! He even entered a beard contest and he did very well. I’m happy for him, I’ll grudgingly admit that it IS a good looking beard. My hubby even dresses well and has cultivated a ‘look’ that is rather GQ and very beard friendly. It’s not like he stinks or is lazy… but I’m not finding this whole ‘beard world’ very attractive. In fact, its just the opposite. Bleech!! It is his focus, it gets his attention and yes, I’m jealous. How is it that my husband can look ‘good’ (well kept, well dressed, smell clean) and not be attractive to me? What’s broken inside me? I love to kiss my husband (He’s a great kisser) but all that hair around his mouth is oh so very unappealing. Sigh. I miss his kisses. He enjoys his beard so much and the attention it gets him is probably quite addictive. Gaaah!!! There’s so many layers to this onion. I don’t want him to stop doing something that makes him happy but.. sheesh, Right? Help!!!

Great question!

For years my husband had a goatee, that he kept cut fairly short. Here he is in one of my favourite pictures are Rebecca’s wedding–he was pretty groomed  here, but honestly, it was pretty much always like that.

I actually REALLY like the look. I think he looks awesome with a goatee, and very stylish. The problem is that it was SCRATCHY. Really scratchy. So kissing was just not as fun. We still did, but those passionate kisses that last a long time? Not so much.

Then right before Christmas he decided that he wanted to try a full beard. He had a two week period where he wasn’t working very much, and then we were taking a month-long speaking tour in the RV, where he could look however he wanted, since he didn’t have to be on stage. So he decided to let it grow in!

By March it looked like this:

It got even a little more scraggly and a little longer, so he got it nice and trimmed up recently. And here are four tips that I have to keep finding him attractive:

Keep the Beard Groomed

Scraggly isn’t very attractive. So go to a barber and get it groomed properly! I actually find letting it grow out longer is much more comfortable. Kissing him now is much easier than when he had the goatee, because it’s not all prickly.

Another thing to consider with beard grooming is the length of the mustache. If your husband’s mustache is dipping below his upper lip, kissing him is going to mean a mouth full of mustache. So there are two options: first, keep the mustached trimmed (it really won’t make the rest of his beard look weird–you trim it to the lip, it’s just part of good grooming) or you style the mustache to not be directly on the lips. This can make kissing much easier for the wife!

Beard Oil Makes Kissing Fun!

(I’ve got an affiliate link below)

When I was trying to figure out what to put in the kids’ stockings at Christmas, I asked Rebecca what her husband Connor would want. She texted me, “Beard oil!”, right when I was out shopping with my husband. So I told him. Keith’s response was:

You know how you never wanted something because you didn’t know such a thing existed, but then once you find out it exists it is the one thing in the world that you want most?

So he got some beard oil in his Christmas stocking, too! Here’s the one we love.

Many men have a problem with very coarse hair, and this can seriously help. It’s a leave-in conditioner, so you just put a few drops on your hands and rub it in, and seriously–his beard is really soft! And it smells like cedarwood. Yummy!

Always Eat with Napkins so His Beard Doesn’t Get Gross

The other issue with beards is that food just plain gets in them–even if he’s a careful eater and even if he keeps it groomed. So it’s essential that guys who start growing beards regularly use a napkin when eating. Nothing can turn a woman off more than seeing a guy covered in crumbs, even, as I said, if he’s normally very hygienic! So keep kleenexes, napkins, and paper towels scattered in convenient places throughout the house. And even put a mirror up in the dining room where you eat angled so he can quickly get a glimpse of himself and make sure he’s okay!

Have Some Grace with Him

Women can do so much to our appearances. We can change the colour and style of our hair. I’ve gone blonde, red, brown, long, short, everything! We can change the make-up that we wear. But men can really only do one thing: experiment with facial hair. And so I think we have to give them the grace to do that every now and then.

I honestly liked his goatee better in terms of how Keith looks. But he LOVES the beard. And so I’ve just decided to bless him with that.

5 Tips from Wives of Bearded Men

I asked on my Facebook Page for some other tips, and here are just a few good ones (I love my Facebook Page members! They’re so helpful! You can join, too…)

1: Let him know what you like!

Make sure he cuts his mustache so you get just lip and not a mouthful of hair when kissing. Get him some beard oil or beard balm in a scent you like! Help him by trimming it, or letting him know how long you like it (I like his LONG)

2: Give it some time

Whiskers can be really scratchy when they are short. If he is just beginning to grow it, give it a little more time. If he just maintains it short, ask if he’d be willing to let it grow a little longer so it’s less scratchy to you.

3: Give it a chance! 

I was so against my husband growing a beard. He did it anyway. And it was HOT. It was a huge turn on and I’m not even sure why. But.. He just shaved it off. I miss it now. So, you know, be open minded. You might like it more than you think.

4: Decide if this is a battle worth pursuing

I totally agree with readers who have recommended beard balms and oil, as well as proper trimming around the lips. My hub has a goatee/moustache and I love it. If you just don’t like it, speak to your hubby about it and find middle ground if possible. At the end of it all, pray about it and ask God to change you if your hubby truly desires this. It is his body. Everything doesn’t have to be a thing.

5: Try a middle-ground for sensitive skin 

My husband chooses not to grow a beard because he’s got super patchy facial hair. However we discovered early on that it was better for him to keep it super short rather than a 5 o’clock shadow. This is because I have super sensitive skin and if it had any length to it at all, my face would break out and get pimples and really itchy. And then we had matching goatees… Which wasn’t a very attractive thing. So he made sure to keep it short. And now he asks whether it’s too long or not to avoid hurting me.

What are your thoughts on beards? Leave any tips you have for wives in the comments below! And thank you again to everyone who was so helpful on the Facebook page! You rock!

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A Microwave and a Mother’s Heart: Mother’s Day Reflections

Mother’s Day is coming this weekend!

For twelve years, every May, I had to come up with a Mother’s Day column. I used to write a column in our local paper (until this blog just got too busy)!, and so I was always thinking of something new to say about each holiday.

I was going back through some of my older ones, and this one stuck out, especially the ending, when I talked about how we moms are always protective of our kids, even as they grow. When I wrote this, the girls were 10 and 12. I thought they were big then. Now I have one who’s married! And I’m still protective. Because that’s just a mother’s heart.

I hope you enjoy it!

Sheila’s Musings: How Moms Can Be Fierce, Too

Forget that Mars and Venus thing. I have found the definitive difference between the genders.

Or rather, my nephew found it.

It is a YouTube series appropriately called, “Is it a good idea to microwave this?”

Now if you have to ask the question, you already know the answer. But these enterprising young males have built a microwave room, plastered with tin foil and a video camera, where they set things like Snow Globes, Twinkies, LED batteries, Xboxes, and more on high for a few minutes and then watch through a window to see what happens.

My kids back in 2008–Katie, Rebecca, and my nephew Alex.

I would hazard a guess that 90% of their YouTube viewers are male. I admit to finding it rather mesmerizing watching the plasma sparks burst out of the batteries, and a snicker did escape my lips as the Snow Globe exploded, but I wouldn’t have searched for them in the first place. But my nephew, all on his own, discovered these university-aged pyromaniacs. And when he showed my husband, Keith said, “Cool!” (Warning: some of their videos do have offensive language).

Males, I believe, are pre-programmed to like blowing stuff up. Women, on the other hand, like to talk about males who like to blow stuff up.

My daughter said that if two university aged females were launching a YouTube channel, they’d probably turn it into a talk show rather than a combustible experience. And I think she’s right.

But that doesn’t mean that women are inherently more peaceful than men. I’ve never bought that whole philosophy that “if women ruled the world, there would be no more wars.” Anyone who has ever hung around junior high school girls for any amount of time knows that girls can be every bit as mean as boys—and in fact can be far pettier.

While junior high girls may be intimidating, a mother protecting her brood is downright dangerous. When outsiders attack, we don’t offer to negotiate and sing Kum-ba-yah. We drag out the heavy artillery.

I think it’s because motherhood brings out new, overpowering emotions.

When you become a mother, you make a decision to forever have your heart walk around outside your body, as author Elizabeth Stone said. You have very little direct influence over the most important part of your life.

Being a mom is like deciding to have your heart walk around forever in someone else's body. - Elizabeth StoneClick To Tweet

Sure we can control our children when they’re young, but as they get older that control slowly fades. We can’t keep them from disappointments. We can’t save them when friends turn their backs, or when they fail at something they pursued fiercely, or when they get cut from the team. We can’t protect them when others gossip or badmouth or betray.

And that kind of hurt is worse, in many ways, than if it happened to you. We moms want our children to be happy, and when they’re not, we hurt, too.

In the midst of that hurt we have to be the ones to rise above it; we have to be the ones to teach our kids resiliency; to help them out of the funk; to help them not to give up, but to try again. We have to put aside our own pain to help them out of theirs. And it’s not easy.

As my own children have grown I have found parenting far less physically demanding but far more emotionally exhausting.

My kids now–Rebecca and her husband Connor, Katie, and my mother and me

We dream so much for our kids, and yet we need to let our children be free to pursue their own dreams on their own. That’s an awful lot to ask of a mother, and that’s why I think this Sunday all of us moms deserve a day where we are lauded, applauded, and hugged galore.

And some chocolate wouldn’t hurt, either. And no, it’s not a good idea to microwave that.

Happy Mother’s Day!

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What to Do When Your Preteen is Experimenting with Same Sex Attraction

What do you do when you find out your preteen thinks she’s a lesbian?

It’s Rebecca here today, since Mom’s away in Ireland for her 25th anniversary trip. So, since I just wrote a book about Why I Didn’t Rebel, she thought I’d be a good person to tackle this one!

Here’s the question we got:

I’m horrified. I just found texts on my 12 year old daughters phone that she has been telling friends at school that she is a Lesbian and has a girlfriend. This is all news to me and I am having a very hard time digesting this information. I don’t even know where to begin. Should I leave it and maybe she is just doing it as a shock factor thing, or should I approach her?

Wow. What do you do when your kid is just a preteen but is going through something this difficult?

When I read this, I don’t necessarily see this as a problem of “my kid thinks she’s a lesbian” and more as a problem of parents not knowing that this was happening. So I want to focus more on how to increase communication between parents and their preteen or teenaged kids.

First of all, though, understand what being gay often means to kids.

To be honest, being gay is kind of in vogue right now. A large portion of the top YouTubers are part of the LGBTQ community, and when someone comes out they’re hailed as a hero.

Lots of people truly do experience same-sex attraction, and they experience real struggles. But growing up, I had many friends “become gay” or “decide they were lesbians” in Jr. High or High School only to suddenly “become straight again” when they find someone who wants to go out with them. (I also knew some kids who truly were bisexual or gay, and their struggle was much different than these kids who were simply trying to find somewhere to fit in.)

This isn’t meant to minimize the struggles of kids in the LGBTQ community–quite the opposite. I think that the fact that this “trend” is happening cheapens their experience. But there are a lot of kids who see the attention and the pats on the back that kids who come out are getting and, if they feel alone, it can seem like a good way to feel validated.

So your daughter saying she’s a lesbian now, when she’s twelve, doesn’t necessarily mean that it will be the case in their adult years.

The other thing to consider is that your daughter is twelve. The fact that she is saying she’s a lesbian isn’t really your main concern, in my opinion–the main concern is that she is obviously going through something difficult and she needs you to be involved. And for most kids the problem isn’t something this specific–it’s that they need better communication with their parents.

So let’s focus on that.

1. Actually get involved with your kids’ real lives–not just their activities.

A lot of parents think that “being involved” means interrogating their kids over family dinners, reading their journals to keep tabs, or tracking their phones.

Nope, that’s not what I’m talking about.

Involved parents are a big part of their kids’ lives, more than just the kids’ chauffeur, chef, and maid. Parents often think that they’re very involved because they spend a lot of time with their kids–driving to soccer, making and packing lunches and snacks, and doing chores together to clean up the house.

But in reality, those activities do nothing to strengthen your relationship. What does strengthen your relationship is being involved with your kids’ downtime. Sitting around in the kitchen watching funny cat videos does more for your relationship than towing them to soccer.

You need to have a real relationship with your kids. Being involved doesn’t mean keeping tabs–it means being a natural part of your kids’ daily experience. That’s the only way they’ll ever believe that you could possibly understand what they’re going through–if you’re a part of their daily lives.

Can your kids go to you with the hard issues? If you're not sure, read this post:Click To Tweet
2. Remember that you need to earn your kids’ trust.

Parents often forget that if they want their kids to open up and tell them things, they need to be worthy of their kids’ trust. And no, simply being a parent does not mean you’re worthy of your kids’ trust.

When kids become adolescents, their independence and feeling respected become more important than they ever have been before. They start keeping secrets, and are unlikely to divulge them unless they feel like their independence won’t be threatened, or if they feel like they wouldn’t be respected as an adult. I know it sounds silly, because a 12 year old is not an adult, but your preteen still deserves your respect. 

So how do you earn their trust?

Quick answer: it takes time. Ideally you can start early, and by the time they hit their preteen years they trust you. But if you haven’t done that, here’s what I’ve seen work:

1. Openly and honestly talk to your kids about what you’re feeling 

Remember, kids want to be respected. So show them some respect and be honest with them. It is perfectly acceptable for a parent to say:

“Honey, I heard that you have been telling people you have a girlfriend. I’m concerned that I didn’t know about this before, and I want you to feel like you can come to me with these sorts of things. So I’d like for us to work on that because I really care about you and I’m worried that you feel like you’re going through this alone. I want to show you that I’m here for you because I want us to be friends.” 

Being vulnerable gives them permission to be vulnerable, too, because you’re treating them like you would a friend, which is what your kid needs you to be if they’re going to open up. Yes, you’re a parent first and foremost. But they need you to be both.

2. Don’t punish when they open up 

One of the best ways to burn bridges with your kids is to punish them when they divulge secrets. Talking to parents should never be punished. Never. In the interviews for my books, the way parents handled their kids confessing, when it went well, usually included (a) listening without judgment, (b) thanking them sincerely for coming to you, and empathizing, and then (c) after a bit of time (e.g., the next morning) talking with the kid about where to go from there (enforcing punishments, changing some routines, whatever you need to do).

But there are some things that don’t need to be punished. With the girl above, nothing needs to be punished–and so if there are any “consequences” the only thing I would really recommend was saying, after they talked about it, that it was inappropriate for a 12-year-old to be dating anyone, no matter who they are. But punishing the kid for saying she’s a lesbian isn’t going to help anything. All that would do would tell the kid, “you can’t come to your parents with this sort of thing because they won’t understand.”

Are you making any of these communication mistakes parents make with their teens?Click To Tweet

3. Spend time together 

Of course, none of this will really work if you aren’t going to work on building that relationship. A relationship can’t only be built around these hard conversations–like I said above, you’ve got to have down time together, too.

3. Focus on understanding more than getting information.

When parents are faced with these hard conversations, it can be easy to go into panic mode. Which is closely followed by crisis management.

But your kid doesn’t actually need that. What she needs is someone to hear her. To understand. To take time and put themselves in her shoes.

It’s only after you understand, truly put yourself in your kid’s position, that you’ll be able to see what she’s going through and understand what the next steps should be. The problem is that parents care so incredibly much for their kids that it can be difficult to take that step back, stop worrying about what will happen, and focus on what is happening in their kid’s life right now.

For the girl in the reader question–maybe she feels alone. Maybe she feels invisible. Maybe this girl is the only person who’s really nice to her at school. But her parents won’t figure out any of that if they’re so focused on trying to put a stop to everything that they don’t take time to just listen.

That’s all I have for today–how do you handle crises in your family? What communication styles work best for you and your kids? Let me know in the comments and we can chat about it!

The post What to Do When Your Preteen is Experimenting with Same Sex Attraction appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

How Sex is Like Glue: The Emotional Connection of a Physical Bond

We talk about sex on this blog. A lot. 

I’ve said why sex in marriage is important, helped women boost their libidos, and fought against harmful sexual behaviors whether it’s selfish sex in marriage or pornography use. But today we’ve got something different. Bryan A. Sands is here today and he’s got a great perspective on the emotional and spiritual sides of sex from both a scientific and a religious perspective.

It’s so interesting to have the scientific side of this talked about, too! Enjoy!

One of the reasons I was nervous on our first date (other than because my surfboard hit my date on her head, splitting it open with blood dripping in the ocean) is that I always believed that when two people with similar kingdom goals marry, great things can happen. And it was appearing at first glance that she may just have those similar goals. Fast forward to our wedding day a year later, after the infamous smack on the head (which looking back, did that contribute to her saying “yes?”) I was nervous because I knew God’s plan for sexual faithfulness but was not sure I would be able to live it out, not sure I wouldn’t give in to my selfish desires.

What’s fascinating is God’s view of sex communicated to the Hebrews in the book of Genesis. It is the highest view of sex I have ever come across. In fact this view of sex and the power of sex we read about in Genesis is also discovered through the sciences.

The more I study the sciences the more I can see God. This is true when we learn about sex and creation. What the ancient Hebrews refer to as echad basar, the scientific world refers to as oxytocin. Is it just a coincidence that what God set up at the very beginning has been revealed, studied, and verified through the sciences? Is it a coincidence that the Hebrews had such a high view of marriage that they thought sex was the only force that can contain it? And when we see the misuse of sex and its destructive abilities, the hurt, the pain, the loneliness, the heartbreak that comes with that; is it just a coincidence? Let me take you on a journey in these two worlds—the scientific and the religious.

Sex and Glue: The Emotional Bond of a Physical Act (The Scientific World)

During sexual activity, our brain releases a number of chemicals. Some of the chemicals include estrogen (the chemical that gets a woman in the mood), norepinephrine (the chemical that is like adrenaline and creates the palpitating heart), dopamine (the “got-to-get it chemical”), vasopressin (the “monogamy chemical”), and the chief of all these chemicals—oxytocin (the “cuddle hormone” or “love hormone”).

Think of oxytocin as glue, promoting bonding and attachment. If all the hormones had an opportunity to vote for the “most popular” hormone in the yearbook, oxytocin would win every time, because it makes others feel good and close when it is active. It has been dubbed the “cuddle hormone” or “love hormone” because it does simply that. Oxytocin creates bonding, trust, and generosity in us. In fact, whenever you feel comfort or security, you can thank oxytocin. Every form of human bonding from non-sexual to sexual interactions involves oxytocin to some degree.

The part of the brain where oxytocin is released is larger in women than men. So during sexual intercourse, the brain releases this chemical that causes the couple to bond on a deep level—but the woman’s brain actually is releasing more. Some have suggested that the reason a woman stays with a man who is abusive or a jerk is because she has a stronger chemical bond toward him. It also explains why, generally speaking, it is easier for guys to hookup and move on, without as much emotional turmoil.

Sex is the glue of a marriage--and here's why!Click To Tweet

Whether we like it or not, oxytocin creates a bond between you and your partner; and the more sexual encounters you have together, the stronger the bond. When oxytocin is released, it also floods the brain with endorphins, a natural opiate that activates the pleasure center in the brain. As our brain releases these chemicals during sex you are bonding on so many different levels—emotional, physical, sensory, etc.

In other words, oxytocin is a type of chemical bonding glue.

A person may choose to have sex once or many times with many different people, and whether they know it or not, a bond is formed each and every time. When this bond gets broken, it creates pain. It leaves a void. Sound familiar? Have you ever felt a deep sense of hurt or pain after a breakup? Ever felt a hollow void after a one-night stand? Do you find yourself repeatedly playing the scenario in your mind, maybe even thinking of different outcomes? Believe it or not there is a chemical reason for all this. Chances are you are doing these things because of the intoxicating attachment that was created between you and your partner when you were sexually involved. The emotional attachment that is created during sex, resulting from the release of oxytocin, binds two people together.

The Ancient Hebrews (The Spiritual World)

At creation God entrusted this newly created paradise to Adam saying, “Take care of it.” One of Adam’s first tasks was the naming of the animals, and he gave them names as he saw fit. Each had a mate. Each had someone—a companion. All seemed well, but there was a problem in paradise.

Adam was alone.

Even though he had God and all the animals, Adam wanted a partner—another like him. To relieve this loneliness, God created another like him—Eve. Now in this paradise, we have partners, Adam and Eve, who work together to tend to the land, care for the animals, and who enjoy one another in every way. They were able to look at one another in full vulnerability and not feel any insecurities or shame. It was God, Adam, and Eve living in the Garden of Eden—a picture of perfect harmony, perfect intimacy, and perfect unity.

Sadly, it would not last long. As the biblical account goes—Adam and Eve ate from the fruit of the tree and everything changed. (Gen 3)

After all this, Adam and Eve no longer had the same intimate relationship. They now felt shame, insecurities, and deceit. They realized they were naked and ran and covered themselves, hid from God, and blamed one another for what happened. Their intimate bond of unity, of oneness, had been shattered. Now their world became what God had never intended.

God created sex, and he wants us to experience true intimacy again--not broken sexuality.Click To Tweet
What if Adam and Eve’s story is really our story?

The story of Adam and Eve is our story. It is the story of our desires, our choices, and the brokenness we all feel. It is the story of what we all yearn for: a deep, intimate, meaningful, trusting relationship with a partner—oneness. This is how God created us. This is his desire for us as well. The question is this, however: Is it possible for us to get back to that oneness?

In Genesis 2:24–25, the dynamics of marriage are introduced, noting that a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, that the two would become “one flesh.” The word, “one” is the Hebrew word echad. Echad’s basic definition is, you guessed it, “one.”  But it also has a deeper significance. Echad carries the idea of one in the midst of unity, and it is closely connected with another Hebrew word that means, “to be united.” The Hebrew word for “flesh” is basar and it can mean “flesh” or “body” among other things. When these two words are combined, it paints the picture of this couple being united at the deepest level, not only physically, but also emotionally and spiritually. Husband and wife, one made from the elements of dirt, the other taken from a rib, now enjoy God’s gift of sex—a physical unity that envisions the becoming of one flesh once again—emotionally and spiritually. As Adam and Eve came from one body so now they would, once again, become one.

During sex, two beings—two souls—are uniting, becoming one. There is an intimacy and deepness unlike any other act. Sounds like what scientists communicate about the bonding power of the chemical oxytocin, doesn’t it?

It is interesting that the writer of Genesis 2 connects this sense of oneness—echad-ness—within the dynamics of marriage. It is as if to communicate that this bond is so powerful, so transcending, that marriage is the only force that can contain it. Marriage was and still should be considered sacred.

It Makes Sense Why I Was Nervous

Fast forward from the first smack…I mean first date, to the wedding altar. I was nervous just like on that first date because of what was to come. We waited for sex, and cutting the bracelet I had worn on my wrist for 15+ years communicated this. I made the commitment because I wanted to honor God and my future spouse and I figured since God created everything he ought to know a thing or two about life, sex, and relationships.

I was nervous because of the gift of echad basar. Consummating our marriage was not only a physical union—but an emotional and spiritual union as well. That’s powerful! That is something to be nervous about—but nervous in a good, exciting way.

I believe God wants us to live a fulfilled life—and that’s the natural by-product of when we are in his will.

So as I look at the ancient Hebrews and see science collaborating it, I am even more amazed at how God made us. This gift of sex is not a bad act—rather it is to be celebrated and praised. Sex becomes harmful however, when used outside of what God intended.

God wants us to live fulfilled lives, & that's the natural by-product of when we are in his will.Click To Tweet

Reflecting on our first date and our wedding day and seeing the interconnectedness of creation, it makes more sense now as to why I was so nervous. God has created us to live and honor Him—and the one who could mess that up was me.

The beauty of God is that even if we go against what he designed—there is redemption. Just like God brings us eternal redemption through the cross—he offers us relational redemption. Our shortcomings are forgiven when we seek his forgiveness. We are loved and cherished, and he has a life of fulfillment set before us. Let’s choose the road less traveled, and not give into our selfish urges and see what God will do in and through us.

References:

American Psychological Association, “Two Faces of Oxytocin,” http://www.apa.org/monitor/feb08/oxytocin.aspx (accessed June 16, 2015).

R Laird Harris et la., Theological Wordbook of the Old Testament (Chicago, IL: Moody Press, 2003), 60.

I am thankful to Old Testament scholar Dr. Tremper Longman III for his insights on this topic over lunch on May 21, 2015.

John H. Walton and Victor H. Matthews, The IVP Bible Background Commentary: Genesis-Deuteronomy (Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 2000), 20.

I appreciate John Mark Comer’s thoughts on this concept. For more information, see John Mark Comer, Loveology: God. Love. Marriage. Sex. And the Never-Ending Story of Male and Female (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2014).

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Top 10 Ways to Let Other People Know–“He’s Mine!”

When we’re married, we want other people to know it!

Other people need to see that you are rock solid.

Why? When other women see your husband, you want them to know–“he’s off limits”. That reduces stress for him because of awkward encounters, and reduces jealousy for you. And when other men know that your husband is in a great marriage, they’re less likely to pressure him to do things you wouldn’t like, such as go to a bachelor party with strippers (My husband is NEVER invited to those, and is often asked to make sure they don’t happen), and they’re more likely to ask your husband for advice on keeping their own marriages together.

The problem is that while we may totally love our husbands, so much of our lives in the modern world are spent apart.

So today, for Top 10 Tuesday, let’s look at 10 ways you can make sure that everyone knows your husband is happily married.

One BIG caveat, though: My goal in this post is not to help jealous women work overtime or get even more jealous. If you’re the jealous type, that needs to be dealt with first. This post is also not really intended for couples who are just getting over affairs where a husband is trying to rebuild trust. You can’t force trust, and you can’t force your husband to not do anything bad. I do write plenty of posts for women in difficult marriages, but this one really isn’t one of those.

My goal here is just to suggest some good, common sense guidelines for how we as women in good marriages can support our husbands and know what’s happening in their lives so that we make social encounters much easier for all of us. So let’s jump in!

1. Socialize with His Co-Workers and Their Spouses

When we lead two completely separate lives–his work, your life together–or even three–your work, too!–it’s all too easy for marriages to drift. So as much as possible, take your lives and combine them! His work world, your work world, and your personal life can all become part and parcel of the same thing.

Invite some of his co-workers and spouses over for dinner (and this doesn’t need to be intimidating. I’ve made spaghetti when people came over for dinner before! The big thing that people seem to enjoy is board games or cards afterwards). Host a barbecue in the summer. If you’re going to the beach as a family, maybe invite a family from his work along, too.

My husband works in a department with 8 females. It’s him and 8 women. A lot of people would say, “He should never eat a meal with a woman or ride in a car with a woman.” But that’s completely impractical and pretty nigh impossible in his job. But what we can do is just make sure that all of those women know me!

And if you work outside the home, you can do the same thing with your work colleagues, too. Introduce them to your husband, and socialize together. That also can help avoid any awkwardness at work of men hitting on you or texting you!

2. If he has subordinates, do kind things for them

If he has a secretary, or a receptionist that usually answers the phone, get to know her on a personal level. Ask about her life so you can chat when you call your husband at work. Don’t be a stranger. If you do this, you’ll likely feel much less jealous of the women your husband works with (if you’re the jealous type). Putting a face and a personality to a name often kills jealousy. And make sure to remember his subordinates’ birthdays, and think of them at Christmas! And know their kids’ names, too. The nicest thing you can do for anyone is to remember their children.

This kind of relationship was often automatic in days gone by. Today, with cell phones, we tend to talk to our husbands directly rather than going through the receptionist. In some ways we’ve lost the opportunity to connect. So go out of your way to get to know his subordinates, because it does matter!

Here's how to stay involved in each other's lives to let everyone know--'He's taken!'Click To Tweet
3. Bless the Workplace

Does he work entirely in a male environment?  Every now and then send some baking to work with him. It sounds corny, but it keeps the guys there thinking, “he is a lucky man!” Your husband will become the go-to guy for all relationship problems, which is a great outreach opportunity. Find out when the guys’ birthdays are and send cakes for each birthday. You’ll become known as the birthday lady, and everybody will love you.

4. Show up at work and surprise him!

Every now and then, stop by and take your husband to lunch. Then when you drop in, say hi. Talk to people on a personal level. I don’t mean pry; I just mean be a friend. Make an honest effort to care about the people that he spends time with.

5. Attend work functions

I have gone to some of my husband’s work functions and hated them. I was the only non-medical person there, so I didn’t understand the vast majority of the conversations and felt left out. I’m not naturally good at small talk.

But you know what? That’s where I met all of these people that I had heard so much about! And it meant a lot to Keith that I was there. So go to the Christmas parties–even if there will be a lot of drinking (you can even bless people by driving them home). Go to the summer barbecues. Yes, they may be boring. Yes, they may be crude. But how can we make an impact on the world if we never meet anyone?

Fight the drift. Stay involved in each other's whole lives!Click To Tweet
6. Host “Guys’ Nights” at Your Home Occasionally

My youngest daughter’s boyfriend plays poker with the guys once a month. They don’t play for major money–I think it’s like $5 each and they play with nickels and dimes. It’s about having fun together, not gambling.

You may not want them at your home all the time, especially if you have little kids. But every once in a while, volunteer to host just so that you can say hi to his friends and be kind to them.

7. Does he have a hobby? Go watch or attend occasionally (but not always!)

Does your husband play on a softball league in the summer? Does he enjoy watching high school football? Does he like going to car shows?

Every now and then go with him. Not every time (guys seriously need guy time, and it’s good if you can bless him with that!). But if you can go sometimes, just to open yourself up to his world and understand him better, that can help you to know a different side of him, too!

8. Volunteer in the same area at church

You may have different spiritual gifts, but one of the best things my husband and I have done is to volunteer together at church. Then we’re really seen as a “unit”! We spent six years running one of the youth programs at our church when our children were younger, and there were other couples who helped out, too. Those couples (and some of the single people, too) naturally became our “small group”.

When you volunteer together, people get to see how you interact together, and that can be a powerful witness. But I also find that my volunteer time at church is one of the most important aspects of my life. When we can share it together, then I don’t have to try to explain something. He already knows, because he was there!

9. Reach out to his family and find a kindred spirit–or at least an ally

Maybe you don’t get along with his family the best. Maybe you find them overbearing, controlling, or even downright miserable. But his family is a big part of his life. Can you identify one person that you more naturally connect with? Then try to get together with that person a little more regularly. It helps you make inroads into his family, and it may stop you from feeling like an outsider.

Work separately? Get to know your husband's coworkers! Stay involved with each other.Click To Tweet
10. Support him on social media

Finally, let other people know how proud you are of your husband. I don’t mean posting tons and tons of pictures together with him with the caption “Best husband in the world! I love this man!” That’s great occasionally, but we all know women who do that constantly, and it can seem a little bit forced. But occasionally posting a picture or a status when he’s reached a milestone or done something amazing? That’s great. Remember: Men thrive on appreciation almost more than love. They don’t just want to know that you love them; they want to know WHY you love them. So show the world why you’re proud of him!

Do you know what these 10 things do when you take them together?

They make sure that you’re part of your husband’s whole life. You’ll know more about each other so you can stop the drift. 

He’s more likely to talk about you at work if other people know you. If his friends are more likely to ask how you’re doing, then he’s more likely to think about you during the workday or during his hobby time, too. And the same goes for your workplace!

All of these things may sound like a lot of work, but I don’t think they are. And as you reach out, you become a real person to the people your husband works with and has fun with. That way neither of you is separating your work lives and your personal lives. And if his coworkers  and friends like you, and your coworkers and friends like him, it’s far less likely any awkwardness or even emotional entanglements would start. And one more major plus: if either of you ever does anything to jeopardize your marriage, then you know coworkers and friends will yell at you for it!

Let me know in the comments: Do you make a deliberate effort in any of these ten areas? What’s ONE of these areas where you could really grow? Tell us how these things have made a difference in your marriage!

Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!


Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually.

If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.

 

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Reader Question: My Husband Goes to Strip Clubs and Watches Porn

Guess what I’m doing in just a few hours?

Keith and I are getting in our car and driving to the airport, where we’re taking off for Ireland! We’re going on our 25th anniversary trip. We’ve always wanted to see Ireland, so we’re taking a walking tour (we walk about 15 km a day, staying at different bed & breakfasts along the way, and they drive our luggage to the next destination). I’m so looking forward to it!

I’ve got posts scheduled for when I’m gone, and I’ll likely pop into the comments periodically. But my daughter Rebecca will be taking over and making sure everything runs smoothly, and moderating comments for me.

Before I left I thought I’d do some housekeeping, though, I’d like to address a common–but very sad–reader question I get about husbands doing really bad things.

Here goes!

My Husband Watches Porn and Goes to Strip Clubs. What do I do?

I’m a full Time home school mother husband is a truck driver. We’ve been married 15 yrs. Throughout out marriage we’ve had ups and downs but one that never seems to go away is my husband use for porn and strip clubs. Before I became a christian I was addicted to porn that it caused problems within our marriage. Due to both of our affairs years ago which has made me hit rock bottom and in need of a savior I gave up porn. I thought he did, too. Well….I have found porn, he’s taken a girl out to eat which lead me to herpes cause she kissed him. ( least that’s the story I got ). For the last 2 yrs our sex life hardly exists now he says cause he gained weight but over the last few months I think there’s more to it then that. We share a FB and he’s following pages with mostly naked women. Last week while he was gone I noticed where he looked up a strip club in the same place he was delivering and then withdrew $200 there. While he was gone he texted me the whole time so I don’t fully know if he went to that strip club. I take receipts from his wallet and file em weekly and there’s no money in there. How can you take $200 out 5 hrs before come home with an empty wallet and no money or receipts to show for it? Then this week last night I found lots of pornography apps he downloaded. He doesn’t know that I know about any of this. I’m stumped at what to do. I can’t go at him from a christian point of view cause he seems bitter about me being a Christian cause I use to be “fun”. I wonder if he’s truly saved.

First–I am so, so sorry that you’re going through this. This must be so scary, especially since your whole way of life is threatened. If the marriage falls apart, you likely can’t continue to homeschool, so I’m sure you’re in absolute turmoil.

But let’s get a few things clear: when you repeatedly find that he is doing things he shouldn’t be doing, and he denies it, you are not the one who is crazy. You have not done anything wrong. Catching weird things on his bills or on his phone does not mean that you’re violating his privacy. Privacy for the purpose of covering up sin should not exist in marriage. We should be open books.

So, here’s what we know: your husband downloaded porn apps. Your husband (at least) kissed another woman. Your husband is no longer having sex with you. Your husband is seeking out strip clubs.

You’re asking if he’s truly saved. There’s a simple answer to that one. Here’s Matthew 7:17-19:

17 Likewise, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. 18 A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit. 19 Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire.

A true Christian does not repeatedly seek out sinful things, lie about them, and then make fun of you for wanting to follow God. We have so cheapened grace that we think as long as you say the prayer you’re now a true Christian. If the heart change is not there, then you’ve got a big problem. Jesus is not a magic formula. He is God–the Alpha and Omega–who is worthy of our praise and adoration and even obedience.

Transformation is not instantaneous, and people do mess up. But a pattern of seeking out sin and refusing to repent shows that transformation has not happened.

And you need to decide if you are willing to be married to someone who will visit strip clubs, watch porn, seek out naked women in real life, and ignore you sexually.

I can’t make that decision, but this is what is happening, and there is absolutely nothing that you can do to stop it. Too often we think, “If I can just find the right argument, or if I can just catch him so he can’t deny it, or if I can just make him understand how I feel, then he’ll stop this.”

Nope. He’s doing this because he wants to do this. There is nothing magical that can make him stop.

The only leverage you have is telling him that you won’t tolerate it anymore. You can’t convince him not to do it–he wants to. You can’t convince him it’s wrong–he doesn’t care. The only leverage you have is that “If you continue to do this, you will lose everything you hold dear.”

You may not be willing to do that. But you have those two choices:

Let it go, accept that he will do this, don’t question him about it, and continue to live in the same house.
Confront him, draw some boundaries, say that this isn’t acceptable, and let the chips fall where they may.

The one choice you don’t have is to stay in this marriage and to continually check up on him and see what he’s doing and obsess over it and talk to him about it and beg and plead and yell, because that won’t do a thing. And it will make you lose all self-respect.

You need to make a decision. Are you going to accept it and live with it, or are you going to say, “I am worth more than this. My children are worth more than this. My HUSBAND is worth more than this. And I am going to do the one thing that may allow him to be jolted into understanding how destructive his behaviour has become.”

I see too many women whose husbands are cheating by using porn and strip clubs who then refuse to make a decision.

They spend all of this emotional energy trying to “catch” him in lies or discover what he’s doing behind their backs, and they rage and cry and pray. But they don’t do anything. They feel as if they are doing something because of all of this investigation and all of these emotions, but really, if I can be so bold, they’re avoiding the situation. They’re prolonging the agony because they won’t make a choice, because they’re afraid of what that choice will have to be.

When I was reading Leslie Vernick’s book How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong, she made a really important point. She said that sometimes we love the marriage more than we love ourselves or our husbands.  We’re so scared of losing the marriage and the security that it brings that we won’t take the steps to truly love our husbands. What does love look like when someone is acting so wrong? Love confronts evil and does not enable it, because that is the only way a person is ever really jolted into changing.

Do you love your marriage more than you care for your husband's soul--or your own?Click To Tweet
Are there times when you should just tolerate pornography and strip clubs?

I think there likely are, because what I’ve found with marriage is that there is never a one-size-fits-all answer. Sometimes God really is going to work a miracle (I think this is extremely rare, though). Sometimes you stay because if you don’t, he’ll get joint custody and you won’t be able to protect the children during his time with them. Sometimes you stay because you need some time to financially get your life ready.

That’s when we need to go to God and get clear direction. You need to pray about it and give it time.

What if you want to do something?

Get some help. Get a support system around you to pray for you and to help you figure out what to do next.

That means that you need to belong to a good church where you’re plugged in. And maybe the first thing to do is to find such a church. Then start serving (because that’s the best way to meet people!). It may take a few months, but you likely need that time to pray and to calm down and to figure things out.

Be very clear about what you need him to do.

If you decide that you can’t tolerate it, then that means you need to set up a boundary. He’s welcome to do whatever he wants, but you are not going to tolerate certain things. So you can say,

“I know that you enjoy watching porn and that you enjoy going to strip clubs. I understand that’s important to you. It was once to me, as well, and we both know that it wrecked our marriage in the past. I may have done things I regret, but I also know now that those things were wrong. They were a violation of our marriage vows, and your actions now are exposing me and our children to potential health issues and financial issues. So I am unwilling to tolerate that. You need to make a choice. If you continue to watch pornography and to go to strip clubs, then I have some friends lined up to help move your stuff out of the house and to help me and the children start a new life. This is NOT what I want. I want our marriage restored. And if you want that, too, I’ve lined up some people who can help see you through this, hold you accountable, and support you as you come back to the marriage. But I am worth more than this, and I need the children to know that they are worth more than this, too.”

Then don’t engage in arguments. Don’t cry. Don’t rage. Just state your piece. That’s all. Just be prepared to follow through. And if you can say that with a mentor couple also there to support you, that’s likely a good idea, too.

It’s okay if you don’t want to leave your marriage over strip clubs.

You are free to make the choice to stay. But remember: If you do stay, you need to stay deciding that you will accept his behaviour. You can’t stay hoping that you can do something magical to make it change, because you will drive yourself crazy.

I wish I had a better answer, but there isn’t one. But here’s one thing I do know, and this is the one thing that we all need to remember when we’re dealing with a really scary decision like this:

No matter what you do, God is there to carry you. You are not alone. You can trust Him in the storm. And He will not leave you alone or abandoned.

Let me know in the comments: Have you ever had to realize that you loved your marriage more than yourself or your husband? Did you ever have to set a hard boundary (or help a friend do that?) Let’s talk!

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What Does Real Teamwork in Marriage Look Like? Harnessing the Power of Two!

Are you and your husband a team in your marriage?

We’ve been talking a lot this week about teamwork in marriage–and about how important it is to divide household chores wisely, and to make sure that everyone feels respected.

I thought today, for a simple Marriage Musing before Mother’s Day next week, I would ask how we can feel like we’re a team.

Sheila’s Marriage Musings: What Does Teamwork in Marriage Look Like?

Blogger and author Kim Hall was sharing online recently about the best marriage advice she’d ever received in her thirty-one years with her husband, which didn’t set out to be marriage advice at all. It was something she had overheard at a county fair years ago as she watched two large draft horses pull a sled. Kim writes,

I heard a little boy ask his grandfather how the horses knew what to do. The weathered farmer replied that in order for the gentle giants to do their work on the farm, they had to learn about harnessing the power of two. He continued, sharing that the horses were trained to pull in unison and were immediately stopped if they strained unequally against the yoke. The danger of them going their own way meant that not only would the work not get done, but if they physically fought the constraints of the yoke, there was also a great risk of injury to everyone.

The horses had to pull in the same direction. A load shared, though, was a load much lightened.

When we hear that analogy, we often picture two horses: one trying to go left, and one turning to go right. When they both strain to go in the same direction, things go smoothly. When they pull in opposite directions, disaster strikes.

In seeing the analogy that way, I think we are only seeing half the picture. The danger is not only that the horses may strain in opposite directions; the danger is also that one horse will strain to go forward, and one will stand stock-still, waiting for the other to do all the work. Teamwork works only when both are active.

In marriage, there are two ways to be passive. One is simply rely on the other to do the work, and not to do your share. We talked about that a lot this week in regards to housework. But the other way is simply to be super passive, saying, “We can do it your way,” without coming to a true agreement in unity of thought and purpose. That will not harness the power of two, either. It will leave one straining and breathless and one dragging behind.

The glory of marriage is that you have two people, with two individual wills, two sets of gifts and two sets of talents who can join together and make something better than the sum of its parts. But that only works if we give it our all.

Teamwork doesn’t work if you never express your opinion, because then the team is missing out on your wisdom. Teamwork doesn’t work if you’re always waiting for someone else to lead, because then when one person is tired or discouraged, they can’t lay back and rest for a while.

Sharing the load means that you will have hard conversations.

It means that sometimes things will be messy. But those messy periods are necessary so that you can truly harness the power of two and make use of everyone’s gifts.

This Mother’s Day, most moms want to be treated like queens and given the day off, and that’s wonderful. But let’s make sure that the rest of the year, we’re not sitting back and letting him always lead, nor are we pulling and straining and letting him off the hook. Let’s have those hard conversations so that we can get to the place where we’re both plowing full speed ahead, and enjoying the ride immensely! That’s the glory of marriage, and I, for one, would not want to miss it.

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Hope you all have a great weekend, everyone!

The post What Does Real Teamwork in Marriage Look Like? Harnessing the Power of Two! appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Want Your Kids to Have Good Marriages Later? Give them Responsibility Now!

I’ve been wondering this week if our marriages would be stronger if we raised kids who were more productive.

When my mother traveled to Costa Rica on a missions trip back in 2004, the thing that shocked her the most was that kids as young as 10 had tremendous responsibility–and handled it well and with joy.

The kids weren’t resentful or entitled or selfish. They worked hard but they had a lot of fun, too.

It reminds me of when I used to read the Little House on the Prairie series. I remember one snippet where Ma and Pa were taking Mary to the blind school, I believe, and Laura and Carrie, who were only about 13 and 11 at the time, were left home alone for a week. And the two girls cleaned the entire house, including replacing straw in all the mattresses and blacking the stove (whatever that means), even though they were so young.

Children in earlier times, and in different parts of the world, have far more responsibility than ours do. They used to have chores–many of them! Not just making their beds. They learned to look after themselves. And they were richer for it.

I think one of the reasons that 14 and 15-year-olds in eras past didn’t try to “find themselves” in the same numbers as today’s teens do is that they already knew they were useful, and they had a purpose.

They learned to think outside of themselves.

When kids do chores, they learn that other people rely on them; that they are expected to contribute to the family; that their work is useful. They learn that they can master something important, and that they must think about the effect of their own effort, or lack of effort, on other people.

Chores aren't bad for kids. They show them 'You have the ability to help others.' Click To Tweet

Our children, on the other hand, too often live a very self-centred existence. From the moment they’re born, our lives revolve around them, rather than the other way around. We take them to play dates, put them in kindergym and kindermusic, and then they go to school where they learn all about self-esteem. We sign them up to activities so that they’ll “have fun”. We buy them toys that they’ll enjoy. And when you feel like you are the centre of the universe, then your feelings become all important. Perhaps that’s one reason why so many teens have so much angst.

As parents, we need to start getting back to the idea that children need responsibilities.

Their lives should not revolve around entertainment. I think kids who do have responsibility and learn to care for the home actually end up less depressed and less rebellious because they are less self-focused. When my girls were living at home we expected them to do a lot of chores. And we expected them to volunteer at church and with caring for younger kids.

Perhaps what we need is more of a long-term view.

Sometimes all our energy is spent getting through today–making sure the kids don’t beat each other up, tear the cat’s fur out, set anything on fire, or run out of the house naked.

So our lives are spent trying to avoid the small fires. We’ll do whatever we can to keep the kids busy–put them in front of video games; let them watch the TV; or separate the siblings constantly so they don’t fight instead of focusing on how to help them work things out.

I think what helps is a bit of a mind-switch: we need to realize that we are raising families, not children.

Your kids will not always be kids. One day they will be adults. And the kind of adults they will be depends upon how you raise them now. Focus on the future.

Do we as parents sometimes forget that our first job is to raise kids who will be good adults? Click To Tweet

I like to say that the best gift you can give your future daughter-in-law is a son who cleans toilets. He will be a catch indeed! And if he can make a lasagna, too, she’ll be in heaven.

The best gift you can give your future daughter-in-law is a son who cleans toilets!Click To Tweet

If you want your children to have strong marriages, then, raise them to be responsible early. And the more children do chores and learn to help around the house, the more they’ll reduce our own stress as a couple, too.

So do your kids have a chance to learn necessary skills? Are you teaching them delayed gratification, or do you focus more on distraction if they get miserable? Are they forced to get along with their siblings, or do you let them watch television in their own rooms? Do your kids know how to handle money? Even a 4-year-old can be taught the importance of saving for something.

Let’s aim for the future and make sure we’re raising kids to be responsible. Otherwise we may say that we value marriage, but our actions aren’t necessarily showing it.

What do you think? Do today’s kids need to learn to be more responsible? Let’s talk in the comments!

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