Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 137

10 Things That Surprised Us as Christian Sex Bloggers

I’ve been a Christian marriage blogger since 2008, but a Christian sex blogger since 2012. That’s when I really changed how I saw myself.

And around 2010 or 2011, when I started transitioning to writing more about sex, I found J from Hot, Holy and Humorous. She had a great blog focused only on sex, and we quickly became blog buddies. We even met in real life when I was in Houston a few years ago!

Recently J and I were talking about the things that surprised us the more we wrote about sex, and we thought we’d share 10 of those things with you today for Top 10 Tuesday!

1. J: Higher-drive wives aren’t an anomaly; they’re fairly common.

For most of my marriage, I’ve had a robust libido. Which puts me in contrast with the majority of wives. I’ve felt this acutely in conversation with female friends who were clearly lower-drive than their husbands, often complaining about their husbands wanting sex “too much.” As the lone high-libido wife in the group, it would have been easy to feel like a freak. Yet I strongly suspected I wasn’t alone.

Then I began blogging, and oh my goodness, I cannot tell you the number of wives I’ve heard from who are the higher-drive spouse. It’s one-fourth to one-third of my email inbox at any given time. So you high-drive wives out there: You are not weird, and you are not alone.

Sheila: I remember when I wrote the 29 Days to Great Sex series leading up to the release of my book The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and the most common criticism I got of it was “what about us wives whose husbands don’t want sex?” When I did the surveys for The Good Girl’s Guide I found that about 25% of wives have higher drives than their husbands. So I’ve written a TON about that side of the equation since then, too!

2. Sheila: To some (a loud few) of male commenters: Do you understand how creepy you sound?

I have a ton of male readers, and the vast, vast majority are wonderful and I really appreciate them. Many are trying to get through their difficult marriages with grace and love. But then there are those who use the Bible as a weapon, and who are, quite frankly, super scary.

I always thought that version of Christianity where the men order their wives around and demand things based on Scripture verses was a caricature, but it’s really out there: The men who claim that women can never deny their husbands sex, including in the six weeks after childbirth (because that’s just what a doctor says, not what God says); The men who say that marital rape can’t exist (because women can’t deny their husbands); The men who say that women have no right to question their husband’s authority or else they’re usurpers. I found such freedom when I decided to just ban such people! They’re still a small minority, but they’re so loud, and I won’t have those comments on my blog misrepresenting God to others who would visit here.

J: I’ve also been shocked at some of the comments I’ve received, especially about rape and porn. Thankfully, they’re the minority, but I hate thinking about those people representing Christianity out in the world, because it’s not the message about sex that God longs for us to spread.

3. J: Sex research has largely been wrong about women.

For a long time, the prevalent view was that the sexual response cycle looked like this:

Desire (thoughts, fantasies, and motivation to engage in sex) à Arousal (physiological and emotional responses) à Orgasm (ta-da!) à Resolution (sliding back into reality)

While that’s what it looks like for the majority of men (and perhaps high-drive spouses generally), it doesn’t represent female arousal well. For many wives, you can take those first two and flip them. Maybe even add the word “Decision” in the beginning, so that you have: Decision à Arousal à Desire à Orgasm à Resolution. Once you know this, it changes so much about how you address low libido. And if this is a better description of you, check out Sheila’s new course on Boost Your Libido.

Sheila: Oh, this is one of the BIG things that I talk about in the course! (and thanks for bringing that up!). This was probably the biggest revelation that changed my own sex life, too. I remember just lying there letting my mind wander, thinking, “If he just does it right then I’ll be in raptures.” But I’ve found that I have to engage my brain to enjoy sex. And when I do–it really does work!

4. Sheila: It’s sad how common vaginismus is (pain during sex).

I had it for the first few years of our marriage. I really thought I was the only one. But as I’ve written about it, I’ve heard from so many women who are also struggling with it. Before I married I never even knew such a thing existed, but it is common, and I’m so humbled that I can help people who are going through just what I did.

J: I’m glad you’ve talked about this. Sex shouldn’t be painful! After my first child was born, attempting intercourse felt like being sliced by a sword. Turned out I was way low on estrogen, and tackling that solved the problem. 

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5. J: There’s a difference between marital aids and sex toys.

When I first wrote about sex toys, I didn’t have much of an opinion. I didn’t use them, but I was open to others using them in their marriage bed. However, since learning more and more, I’ve become far more cautious about recommending their use.

Sex toys can genuinely help married couples who have a specific and persistent problem, like a penis ring for a husband with trouble maintaining an erection or a vibrator for a wife who cannot reach orgasm any other way. I think of those as marital aids, and it’s good that we have those options.

But too often, spouses are just grabbing the sex toy because it’s new or easy or kinky, instead of figuring out to arouse and pleasure their partner with the body parts God gave them. And, as Sheila has often said, that treats sex as merely physical when it’s meant to be more. Most couples are better off focusing on relationship, communication, and skills to improve their sexual intimacy, rather than just grabbing the latest toy.

Sheila: I love this distinction between marital aids and sex toys, J! I’ve come out saying “let’s be careful about sex toys“, too, because I think sometimes we’re looking in the wrong place for what really makes sex hot. But at the same time, I do know that there are some things that may be useful in some situations. 

6. Sheila: A lot of people have no idea what should be Red Flags when it comes to a person’s sex life.

We don’t talk about sex enough I think when kids are growing up, and then when they get married and bad things happen, they think, “Oh, this must be one of those marriage problems everyone deals with.” And then they tell me the details and I freak out. “Oh. My. Goodness. That is terrible!”

I’ve had a few women just this week talk about how their husbands secretly photograph women working out at the gym and then crop those photos to show just cleavage or crotches on their computers. That’s not normal! Or guys who can only perform sexually when the women are play-acting or dressing in costume. NOT NORMAL. We need to prepare people more to say, “No, that’s not right, and you need serious help.” So many have no idea that “this honestly is not what most people experience.”

J: My heart breaks when I get an email from a wife who wants to please her husband, but then she tells me some insane thing he wants to do in bed and asks, “Should I do it?” I’m thinking, “Let’s see, would you poke yourself with an ice pick? Because this is analogous to that.” Of course, I tame my actual response back to the wife, but it’s sad they don’t feel confident about setting reasonable boundaries.

7. J: We’re really selfish about sex.

I’d now guess that 90% of conflict about sexual intimacy in marriages is due to one or both spouses being selfish. Before you get mad at me for saying that, let me assure I’ve been guilty too. But we tend to view sex in terms of what we want, or even that we don’t want it, without putting ourselves in our spouse’s shoes and understanding what’s going on in their mind and heart.

I spend a lot of time trying to get readers to see the other side of the coin. Like if your spouse is refusing sex, instead of focusing on Woe is me, I haven’t had any in a week, find out why they don’t want to have sex with you. And do it with compassion. I’ve known of couples where a wife finally revealed that she was sexually abused as a child or a husband admitted a porn problem, and that becomes the beginning of healing. But if a spouse doesn’t feel safe with you to express their struggle, you’ll never get to the bottom of it. We’ve got to get outside ourselves and reach out to our spouse with love. You know, Jesus-style.

Sheila: Absolutely true! I’ve found that in marriage, pretty much all problems are caused by two things: selfishness or brokenness. And often the two feed each other. I’m still really saddened by the comments on this post about a woman not comfortable with her breasts being touched. It shows the selfishness dynamic so much, and we need to get past that.

8. Sheila: Far too many women got married without realizing what they were getting in to.

The truth is we can’t fix marriage. A marriage is only as healthy as its unhealthiest spouse, and so many women have married guys who are psychologically and emotional unhealthy, or at least very self-centered and immature. Yes, God can change them, but what they’re going through in the interim is really awful. We need to prepare young women better to make good choices. Just because a guy professes Christ does not mean that he has good character. And so many of the marriage problems I see could have been prevented if we had spent more time really looking at character and not listening to all the messages around us about how “God loves marriage” and “God wants you to get married”. Yes, that’s true–but no one should feel rushed into something.

J: I also think marriages are only as happy as the unhappiest spouse. We need to choose mates who will be intentional about holiness, health, and happiness.

9. J: Christians are okay with talking about sex.

I was anonymous for maybe three years after I began my blog, going by simply J with no identifying information. Then Sheila came to town. Actually, I was moving toward revealing myself anyway, but it all coincided with her bringing her Girl Talk to Houston. It took a bit more time for my friends and church family to learn what I’d been up to for a while.

Us meeting in Houston! Her book covers are different now, but it was a great night!

But you know what? I’ve gotten way more atta-girls than side looks, and no one has personally scolded me for talking about sex. In fact, I’ve had candid conversations with friends happy to discover they knew someone to talk to about sexual issues. My church also supported me teaching a Sunday morning women’s class on God and Sexuality. Because most Christians are not only willing to talk about sex; they’re hungry to talk about it from a biblical perspective and get answers.

Sheila: YES! So many yeses! I hear from so many people that “Christians just aren’t comfortable talking about sex”, but I think that’s a misconception. Yes, we can’t talk about the details of a person’s sex life from the pulpit, and some things are best shared online or in single-sex studies. But that doesn’t mean that Christians are uptight. And in fact, the response I get when I bring my Girl Talk to churches is overwhelming! People really love the anonymous Q&A especially because they have so many questions.

10. Sheila: You really can build a community online.

I’ve gotten to know so many bloggers and so many of my regular readers, and I’ve had the chance to meet with so many of them (including you!) as I’ve spoken around North America. We really do form bonds. People talk about the internet as only quasi-community or false community, and to a certain extent there’s some truth to that. But I also know I’ve met friends here, and I pray for so many of my readers, and that’s been great.

J: It’s funny how well you really do know someone after interacting with them online (assuming you’re both authentic, which we are). I can attest that the Sheila here on the blog is the same Sheila in real life. I do wish there was a way to have a coffee date with all of our readers, because that’s how I often picture my posts—chatting with a friend over coffee.

Now it’s your turn, readers. When it comes to sex in marriage, what shift in perspective have you experienced?

Remember: Find J at Hot, Holy and Humorous!

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Reader question: How Do You Stop Obsessing Over Your Husband’s Past?

How do you go about overcoming jealousy and getting over your spouse’s sexual past–or obsessing over his present?

Dealing with our loved one’s sexual baggage is a huge part of many people’s relationships today. On Mondays I like to take a reader’s question and take a stab at answering it, so let’s start with this woman, who is haunted by her husband’s history of casual sex:

I just got married a few months ago and my husband has had more of a sexual past than me and I’m having a hard time! I can’t understand how people can have casual sex. He is an amazing man and so good to me and my children from a previous marriage. Somehow his past keeps coming up and it makes me sad that he wouldn’t respect himself enough not to sleep with any woman that offered.

We both were married before. He got divorced because his wife cheated with men and women. I got divorced because my ex husband was abusive. We went to premarital counselling. One day there was a couple leaving before us and he was staring at the girl and as soon as we walked in he said, “I don’t know if this is the right time to say anything, but I dated that girl. Nothing serious, only three dates.” I felt really uncomfortable. I asked if he had sex with her. He said he had. I was devastated! I can’t go to that counsellor anymore. How could he go on 3 dates and have sex? I don’t know how to heal I don’t know how to move on! I don’t want to ruin a great marriage over stuff that happened before he knew me. I pray all the time!

I understand how hard it must be to know that your spouse has treated sex this cavalierly.

So let’s look at overcoming jealousy and moving on.

Part of the marriage vow is agreeing that the past is the past.

The revelation about the husband having sex after three dates came out before she married him, and it came out because the husband was trying to be honest. If you’re agreeing to marry someone, then you’re agreeing to accept their past. You can’t marry someone and then hold things over his head that he can no longer do anything about.

If you can’t live with someone’s past, then don’t marry that person. Once you have married them, then the only right thing to do is to offer forgiveness. If you can’t do that, then it is not their past that is ruining the relationship; it is your attitude.

I know that’s harsh, but I see this dynamic where people think, “I’m so good and he’s so bad; how can I live with that?” But at that moment, you’re the one who is being bad. If your husband has repented and is trying to live right, and you can’t forgive him, then you are the one who is in the wrong and you are the one who is acting in an ungodly manner.

Part of the marriage vow is also deciding to be his biggest cheerleader

Maybe it’s not his past that is causing your mind to flip through all kinds of horrible scenarios. Maybe it’s his present. He works with women and you’re worried they’re flirting with him. He gets texts from female coworkers sometimes and you’re worried that he likes them.

And the worry keeps you up at night.

Now, if you have reason to worry, because he’s been secretive, or flirty, or he’s had affairs in the past, then that’s a different story. But I get email after email from women who are desperately jealous because a woman is doing something wrong but her husband is not. And she works herself up and gets mad at him–when he’s been acting appropriately.

She’s sabotaging her own marriage!

But how are you supposed to overcome jealousy, then?

This woman says that she prays. That’s great that she prays. But God doesn’t only ask us to pray. He gives us something specific to do.

When we pray, we ask,

 “Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil, for yours is the kingdom, the power, and the glory.”

What is the power that Jesus refers to in the Lord’s Prayer? It’s that the Holy Spirit is living inside of us, transforming us. But this doesn’t happen passively. This happens as we take action. And what action are we supposed to take?

In 2 Corinthians 10:5, Paul writes this:

We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

Overcoming jealousy involves taking every thought captive.

This is an active thing. That verse, and what it means in marriage, is the bedrock for my book 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage.

What's in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage?
What if the way that we’re thinking is holding us back from an awesome marriage?

In this book I show how taking every thought captive and choosing what to think, rather than letting our thoughts overwhelm us, can change the whole dynamic of our marriage and give us that marriage that we’ve always dreamed about. Sometimes we obsess far too much over our worries and fears, and we fail to take responsibility for our own feelings. But when we learn to see the marriage the way that God sees it, suddenly we’re free! And that’s the recipe for finally growing in marriage.

Check out the book here.

Thoughts may enter our head, unbidden. We may remember: “he slept with someone he only went on three dates with.” But what we do with that thought is entirely our choice.

And simply praying about “God, please let me let this go!” is not enough. You have to actually decide to let this go.

That means that when the thought enters your head, you choose to reject it. You demolish that pretension that is setting itself up against your marriage. You say,

Yes, he does have that past. But he has turned from it, he has married me, and I made a vow to him, knowing his past. So I will choose not to think of it, but to concentrate instead on how much he loves me today.

And then you consciously think of some specific way that he loves you. And you choose to think about that.

When you pray, it is not to dwell on all the things that your husband did in the past. It is to ask the Lord to bring to your mind all the wonderful things that your husband does now.

There is nothing else to do to overcome jealousy. There is no magic formula.


There is no magic formula to stop obsessing over your husband's past except this.Click To Tweet

God will not just wave a wand while you obsess over your husband’s past choices. You must first walk in obedience to God’s direction: take every thought captive and choose to change your thoughts. And as you change your thoughts, you will end up changing your feelings as well.

That is how change works. That is how God made us.

It’s your choice–will you do it, or will you continue to be upset about it?

So now let’s look at the scenario if it’s flipped: What if you’re dating someone who doesn’t seem able to move on?

I personally know that hurt following a breakup but I’ve never really carried it into a next relationship. But I’m wondering what effect the feelings from a past relationship can have on the future of a present relationship, especially when both partners have a long term commitment at heart. One partner hasn’t really sorted out the feelings from a past relationship. Not necessarily that he’s still in love with the ex, but he hasn’t seem to have gotten over the nostalgia of the memories from that relationship. And still he wants to go out of his way to avoid anything that will make him come in contact with her. I think the feelings haven’t fully been processed. How long do you think it would take for complete healing?

I think it takes until the person has made a conscious decision to take every thought captive and to examine it in the light of Christ and His will for our lives. And if it is obvious that the previous relationship was not God’s will, and if he believes that this new relationship is God’s will, then he has to choose to make his thoughts line up to that.

I realize that taking thoughts captive is not an easy thing.

I have had such a hard time getting my thoughts to line up with what I know God wants! I’ve had to battle through grief after my son died. I had to battle through break ups. I had to deal through some periods of major anxiety.

But practising the presence of God and taking every thought captive is a discipline that you simply have to learn. You have to learn not to constantly relive old memories and nurse old loves. You have to learn to put the past behind you. And the only way to learn is through practice!

So I’d say to this woman: be careful of committing to a man who has not worked through feelings for an ex. Go very slowly. Explain the concept to him of taking every thought captive before Christ, which means examining your feelings in light of what you know is God’s truth for your life, and helping your feelings to conform to God’s truth.

That’s it. That’s what overcoming jealousy and getting over past hurts takes. I wish there were an answer which was pain free and which was easy, but there isn’t. And now God is asking us: are we willing to take every thought captive? Until we are, our relationships will really never be whole.

Have you ever had to struggle to put something behind you? How did you do it? Let me know in the comments!

The post Reader question: How Do You Stop Obsessing Over Your Husband’s Past? appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Why Not Just Make His Day?

Why is it that we so often get so caught up in how busy we feel, how put upon we feel, how tired we feel, that we forget how easy it can be to make someone’s day?

Every Friday I like to put up a marriage thought to help get us through the weekend! And here’s a simple one that we can put into practice RIGHT NOW–that makes a big difference!

And here’s something cool: I’m changing the way I do my weekly blog round-up newsletters. If you’re subscribed to my blog on a daily or weekly basis, then at the end of the week, instead of just getting a round-up of the posts, you’ll get extra content! And this week is a video of me elaborating on this post.

Sheila’s Marriage Moment: Just Make His Day!

Recently I saw a tweet that said:

My hubby just sent me a text thanking me for the lunch I made him. It was a really simple sandwich lunch, yet he’s grateful. Made my day!

It made me smile, because isn’t it amazing how easy it is to make someone’s day? Just say thank you! Acknowledge something that they’ve done. Smile back.

It doesn’t have to be huge, but little acts of kindness can go so far, both within our families and with complete strangers. I know I’ve been in a horrible mood on several occasions, and then I’ve ventured out of doors, and a nice old man has held the door in a shop open for me, and smiled at me, or a clerk has been particularly pleasant, and it changed my whole demeanor.

Or my husband has called home for no reason, just to say “I love you”.

That just perks me right up! And when we make someone else smile, we often make ourselves smile in return.

My husband and I practice this so much now that it’s become second nature. But when we were going through a particularly rough patch in our marriage, when we were under a lot of stress when our son was son so ill, it was suggested to us that we draw up a list of small things that the other person could do that would be kind and that would show us love.

The rules: it couldn’t involve sex, it couldn’t cost anything, and it had to be quick.

So we made our lists. They weren’t onerous things. Mine had things like give me a nice kiss when you come home, hug me a lot, ask me how my day was, bath the kids for me, write me a note. His weren’t that big a deal either: when I come home, greet me at the door. Tell the kids what you love about me. Say something nice about me to one of my friends.

And yet, as easy as these things are to do, it’s amazing how often we go through an entire day and don’t do them. We get caught up in what we feel that we fail to reach out and do something that means a lot to the one person in the world that we should care the most about.

I was talking about submission in marriage earlier this week, and here’s what I so often see: many women think they’re submissive because they let their husbands make the decisions. But if you aren’t simply being kind to your husband, and looking for opportunities to serve him and be nice to him, then you’re really missing the boat.

Practice being nice to your spouse. Say thank you. Figure out what makes them tick, and then do it. Even if you’re not feeling it. Because once you start acting it, the feelings often come. And if we get in the habit of trying to do nice things for others, we’ll likely lighten our own mood as well.

Now, want to see me add a whole new element to “just make his day”? Then sign up for my weekly newsletter and see my video this week!

What can you do to make someone’s day today? Got an idea? Then go do it! And don’t forget to smile.

What’s #1 at To Love, Honor and Vacuum?

#1 Post on the Blog: Are You Setting An Example Of A Good Marriage For Your Kids?

#1  on the Blog Overall: How To Initiate Sex

#1 from Facebook: Churches: Can We Stop With The “Boys Will Be Boys” Already? 

#1 from Pinterest: An Awesome List Of 79 Hobbies To Do With Your Spouse 

The post Why Not Just Make His Day? appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

How I Understand Submission in Marriage

What does submission in marriage really mean?

I’ve actually written quite a lot about it on this blog in my posts. But recently, when I shared a “manifesto” I wrote about what it means to be a Christian woman, I started reading the comments section. And I realized there was some really good stuff in there that had never actually been in a post! So I thought today I’d take a bit of the comments section from that blog and put it in a more “readable” format about how a healthy marriage operates.

I started out by writing that what God wants is for us to do His will–that’s what we pray in the Lord’s prayer, after all. And His desire is that we be transformed into the likeness of His Son (Romans 8:29).

So that means that the way that we act in marriage should be first and foremost in accordance with God’s will, and in a way that points people to God, not away from Him.

Much of the Christian advice about marriage, though, can inadvertently contravene this. We teach women that what God wants, more than anything, is for us to obey our husband’s will. I wrote my book 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage partly to fight against this idea, which I think has seriously hindered marriages (and is one reason, I believe, that the divorce rate is much higher in denominations that stress this interpretation of Scripture rather than in denominations that stress husband and wife seeking God together).

So with that in mind, let’s look at a conversation between myself and a woman named Roberta to see how this can play out (I’ve edited the comments somewhat just to make them shorter!)

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ROBERTA: Why is it that we are told to submit (using the same word) to authorities, to Christ, and children to parents? As much as I want to make your definition fit I can’t seem to wrestle it into place.

I also wonder about the 1 Peter passage because it says for the wife to be subject to her husband even unto calling him lord like Sarah did to Abraham. Their lives were as messy as some of ours and I just got the feeling that it was implying obedience not looking out for their best interest. I want to believe what you are saying but I just don’t see women or wives except in helpmate roles in the bible. Jesus had male disciples. Certainly I see women being important, Mary for example. But it seems no matter how hard I want to believe it the Bible tells me Jesus died for my sins and I’m as important to him as any man but that he does have different roles and responsibilities for each gender.

SHEILA: There’s so much to say to your comment, and I don’t have time to do it justice, so let me point you to one really good resource and then try to raise some questions.

Fully Alive by Larry Crabb pretty much addresses everything you’ve brought up, and you’d likely find it helpful. He also explains how “helpmeet” is a warrior term, not a lesser term. We help out of our strength; and we have something very important to offer. The fact that we are made a “suitable” helper means that we are suitable to actually help him–so our minds and our gifts are necessary.

If you look at the role of women in Acts and the epistles you’d likely be surprised by how many were leaders in their churches (Mark’s mother; Lydia; Priscilla; Tabitha; Phoebe; Syntyche; Euodia), and how many taught (especially Priscilla, who was the primary teacher in her duo).

But more importantly, I think the onus is really on those who teach that women are to obey men to justify it.

Let’s start with this:

Are we to submit to authorities?

Yes.

Even if they ask us to go against Christ?

Obviously not. (All the disciples defied the authorities).

Are we to submit to parents?

Yes.

Even if they ask us to go against God’s will?

Obviously not. See the story of Jonathan, for instance.

So are we to submit to husbands?

Yes.

Even if they ask us to do something wrong?

Obviously not. See the story of Abigail or the story of Ananias and Sapphira, for example.

So this means that God is asking us to use our brains–to actively follow God, and to, IN THAT SUBMISSION TO GOD, submit to our husbands, our parents, or our authorities.

Everything is done first and foremost in our submission to God, with the express purpose of glorifying God on this earth and being part of making His kingdom more real here. And thus we have to make decisions about whether we follow our husbands when we know that they are doing something that is not in God’s will–going far into debt; gambling; addictions; etc.

To submit blindly–which is how many people interpret the Ephesians 5 and 1 Peter 3 passages–is never modeled in Scripture. And we have no problem saying that children should not submit blindly, nor do we seem to have a problem saying that we should not submit blindly to authorities (see how much Christians are pushing back against the U.S. government right now). It is only in the marriage relationship that many people get upset and say, “no, women absolutely have to submit regardless.” I guess I would ask–what is your scriptural basis for this, given Acts 5, 1 Samuel 25? And what is your scriptural basis for saying that this submission in marriage is somehow more rigid than other forms of submission which the apostles regularly flaunted?

The only Scriptural interpretation of submission that works looking across all the different areas of submission is that submission is first and foremost to God (“as to the Lord”), and only then to others.

Interested in Hearing More About Submission?
My book 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage goes much deeper into scripturally what submission means, and practically how to live that out, especially when we’re in conflict with each other.

Too often we assume that what God wants is for everyone to follow the husband’s lead. But what if God’s real desire is for everyone to follow GOD’S lead? Then the question becomes, “how, as a couple, can we best discern that?”

If that sounds intriguing, then check out 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage!

When I was a teenager I went through a real crisis of faith. I thought that God really only loved men, and I was cast aside because I was a woman. My gifts didn’t matter. That started me reading a ton of books and exploring more of women in Scripture, and understanding how truly radical Jesus was about women. It was such a faith building experience–to understand how precious I was to Jesus, and to understand why He made me a woman, and to understand how much He loves women as women.

If God is keeping you awake and you’re really struggling with this, don’t be afraid of it. God does not mind struggles and doubts; He welcomes our questions. Just seek Him out in your questions and start a journey of discovery about how God does see you, and I pray that your faith will be immeasurably strengthened in that, as mine was.

Jesus does love you, you are valuable, and He has a unique role for you, as a woman. And that’s honestly okay.

MEGAN: Do you believe submitting to our husbands includes following their will when it’s different from our own when it’s NOT a sin issue? For example, a man who wants his wife to homeschool the kids and she wants them to go to public school (or vice versa). When a husband and wife are in disagreement about something, do you believe the wife should submit to her husband and obey his choice?

SHEILA: I guess what I’d say is this: If you’re in disagreement, then there are only two options: either one of you is not hearing from God or both of you are not hearing from God.

And the biblical model is that we seek out God’s direction, and we seek agreement as believers.

So I think a far better approach would be to seriously pray and fast together, seek outside counsel together, and take some time to really work it out. If you just go along without doing the hard work, then how do you really know that you’re following God? If, after all that, you still disagree, then by all means go ahead and follow him. But I think that would be a last resort, made in sadness, because you can’t ascertain God’s will together.

But I explained that more in this post. Thanks for asking!

ROBERTA:  I’m not trying to doubt you or be mean but I’m wondering why you think submitting is the last resort and sad? Would you say the same to children submitting to their parents? I don’t find that sad at all, especially to godly parents. Nor do I find it sad to submit to godly authorities over us in the lord at church. So why is it sad when it is our husbands?

Or to put it another way, and again I’m not trying to ruffle feathers, simply get to the bottom of this. You say the onus is on the ones that disagree with this theology but when I open up my bible and it says “wives submit to your husbands in all things” or “I do not allow women to teach men”, those seem to be very black and white statements. At least as black and white as there is no longer no greek or jew, man nor woman, etc.

It’s hard teaching I know, but I would feel devastated if my husband thought loving me as Christ loves the church was sad and the last resort, so why would I feel like that about submitting to him?

SHEILA: I think the question about black and white things in the Bible is a little erroneous, because the Bible can’t contradict itself. So if the Bible says “women can’t teach men”–but then gives examples of women teaching men, then it obviously cannot mean that women cannot teach men in every situation for all time. We use Scripture to interpret Scripture. So you can’t just take a verse without any context and say, “that’s what God obviously believes!” It has to fit in with the rest of what God says.

And I don’t think submission is a last resort. I think submission is what we should be doing all the time! We submit to God, and then we willingly choose to put our husband’s needs above our own, dedicating ourselves to serving him. Absolutely. We always do that.

So I’m not saying submission is a last resort. I’m saying that agreeing to do something his way BEFORE you’ve prayed and fasted, BEFORE you’ve talked to God about it, BEFORE you’ve tried to work it out with wise counsel, is simply unwise. God wants us to be unified. God wants us to seek His direction and His will. If you disagree then, like I said, at least one of you is not hearing from God. So the proper response should be to humble yourselves together and try to hear from God. When you disagree, that should be a warning sign that something is wrong.

Hope that makes sense!

And I do indeed hope that makes sense! There’s lots more in the comments section on that post. But I thought it was an interesting discussion. I appreciate discussions where everyone’s polite and honestly talking to one another, and I’m grateful for those that I’ve had on this blog. I hope you enjoy them, too!

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Are You Setting an Example of a Good Marriage for Your Kids?

Today I want to talk about something near and dear to my heart: Are you modelling a good marriage for your kids?

It’s great to teach kids things, but it’s so much better to show them. And one of the things I really wanted to teach my kids was how to have a good marriage! After all, marriage is such an important part of our lives–probably the most important when it comes to our own happiness and peace of mind as adults. And if we want to bless our kids’ future marriages, then let’s set a good marriage example now. When you model a great marriage, they will want to have what you have. They’re far less likely to look for shortcuts.

I wrote about this a few years ago, but it’s important enough that I wanted to run a post on this concept again, so we don’t forget it.

Now modelling a great marriage means that you have to actually have a good marriage! You can’t just fake it. But remember that a good marriage is not a perfect marriage. It’s okay if kids see that you’re still working some things through, as long as they also see that you’re doing it in a healthy way. And what is it that you want kids to see?

In a Good Marriage, Spouses are Affectionate Towards Each Other

Kids need to know you actually like each other! It’s so important for them to see you physically touch. It helps them understand more about sexuality, and it helps them feel secure, that your marriage is okay. The majority of women who write to me who have sexual issues in their marriage will say something like, “In our house sex was never talked about and I never saw my mom or dad touch or kiss each other.” It was something that was so distant that it felt like it was wrong.

Affection is a wonderful thing. Now some of us are huggers and some of us aren’t. Some of us can easily give our husband a quick kiss in front of people and some of us would be mortified. Obviously we all have different comfort levels. But I do think it’s very important, even if you’re not a touchy person, to let your kids see you hold hands. Let them see you caress his shoulder or put your hand on his leg when he’s driving. Let them see you put your head on his shoulder if you’re sitting on the couch together. Even let them see you kiss! It helps them feel really secure, but perhaps more importantly, it helps them see that marriage is fun! If the only people they ever see being affectionate are those who aren’t married, what are they going to learn? Marriage is where love goes to die. 

In a Good Marriage, Spouses Fight, but Resolve Conflict

Keith and I have had our share of fights in front of the kids. We’ve snapped at each other. I’ve retreated into silence or short answers at times. I’m not proud of those moments, but they happen. But we’ve always tried to make sure that if they see us mad, they also see us apologizing and working it out.

Often when parents are mad they say nothing because they don’t want the kids to know. But kids sense the tension and they sense the silence, even if you haven’t said anything to them. And when kids know there’s trouble, but they don’t know what that trouble is, they often assume it’s worse than it is.

I’m not advocating yelling in front of the kids, or calling names, or airing all your dirty laundry. But if something happens right then and there, and you start snapping, kids see it. That’s not wonderful. But what is wonderful is if they can also see you resolve it.

Everybody has tension; if you can show them how to get around that tension, how to apologize, and how to forgive and move on you will have taught them something really important indeed.

Bonus points if you can also let them see you praying together, especially about problems. If you get angry and apologize, and then you take each other hands and say a quick prayer of repentance and blessing on the other person, that speaks volumes. I know not everyone who reads this blog is a Christian, but I can’t stress the importance enough of modelling a strong spiritual life and faith to your kids.

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Spouses in a Good Marriage Value Each Other’s Opinions

Kids need to see that marriage is a partnership where you respect each other, and where you honour each other by checking in before you make a decision. If your child asks for something like a cell phone, you listen to their reasons and talk to them about it, and then say, “let me check with Daddy and we’ll talk to you together.”

If you’re trying to make up your mind about whether to switch jobs or whether to sign the kids up for sports, they need to see that you consult your husband and that you make that decision together.

And likewise, before he does something big, they should see him talk to you.

We know a couple who genuinely love each other, but where the mom is often exasperated because the dad does things on a whim. He arrives home one day and announces, “I bought a cottage.” And soon it was, “I bought a boat.” Now, they had the money, so this didn’t endanger their financial position, but that was a big decision for him to make that affected the whole family. And she was not pleased.

Talk to each other about big decisions. Even dream together! And the best way to do that is just to check in with each other everyday. Have one time of day when you always talk–maybe you sit on the couch for 15 minutes before dinner to catch up. Maybe you have a cup of tea after dinner and catch up. Maybe you take a walk after dinner together. Do it regularly, and let the kids see it. And if you are talking like this and sharing what’s on your mind, it’s far less likely that one of you will make a major decision without consulting the spouse!

Spouses in a Good Marriage Praise Each Other

When I empty the dishwasher I get on the phone. I don’t like doing just one thing, so that’s often my time to phone my best friend, or my mom, and talk.

But here’s the thing about being on the phone: kids hear you. Even when you’re not talking to them. So when your kids hear you talk about your husband, what do they hear you say? Do you complain, or do you build him up? Yes, we all need times to talk to a trusted mentor about problems, but those should be the exceptions, and they should be private conversations. In general, let your children hear you saying good things about their dad and honouring him.

And let them hear you praise him, too! When we eat dinner together, Keith always says, “That was an amazing dinner, Sheila.” My daughter rolls her eyes, because he’s so predictable, but he means it, and she hears it. I make it a point of praising my husband in front of our kids, too. Let your kids hear you say nice things about each other!

In a Good Marriage, Spouses Share One Whole Life, not Two Separate Lives

Do your kids see you do things together? Or do they see you sitting on separate screens at night and living separate lives? Many couples live as roommates, not as lovers, or even best friends. Find things to do together! Let your kids see that you know how to keep love alive and that you genuinely have interests you enjoy. When they see that marriage is something that is fun, where you have a constant companion, it makes marriage look very attractive.

Sex is Part of a Good Marriage!

The most mortifying thing many parents can imagine is the teenagers catching you having sex.

But honestly, that’s not really that bad. Sure, it’s uncomfortable, but secretly your kids want to know that you still have fun and you still want to be with each other–though they’d rather not hear any specifics.

I think we err too much on the side of “we can never do anything whatsoever at all if there’s a chance they’ll know what we’re doing”, and not enough on the side of, “it’s our house, and if they don’t want to hear it, they can go to their rooms and shut the door.” It’s a great comfort to kids to know that their parents still have fun, even if they don’t want to picture it. I know it’s awkward when kids are teens, but you can still nurture a good sex life with teens in the house!

If you’re affectionate; if you praise each other; if you resolve conflict; if you have fun with each other, what will you be teaching your kids? You’ll be showing them: Marriage is fun! Marriage is worth it. Marriage is work, but it’s wonderful having someone who loves you.

So don’t worry too much about keeping absolutely everything private. Let them see you living out your marriage, because one day, you want them to start living out a good marriage of their own, too.

I can think of a ton of other things that go into setting the example of a good marriage–showing a united front; complimenting each other; praying together; worshiping together. But I didn’t want the list to become too long! So talk to your husband about these points, and ask: are we modelling a good marriage to the kids? Or are we trying to keep too many things behind closed doors? Now pick ONE aspect that you really want to be deliberate about modelling to your children. And then do it together!

Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!


Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually.

If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.

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5 Ways to Love Your Husband Through Infertility

Has infertility begun to weaken your marriage?

First and foremost let me say how much my heart goes out to you and your husband if you’re walking the road of infertility. Today I have a post from Natasha Metzler, an author and blogger who has an amazing testimony about her and her husband’s journey through infertility,

Here’s Natasha.

We were going to have three children, run a farm together, and love each other and God for all our days.

At least, that was the plan at our wedding back in 2007.

It didn’t turn out so much that way. Our babies didn’t come and our lives were slashed open by this monster called infertility and our plans just crumbled away.

At one point I felt like a failure at everything. Every. Last. Thing.

Except we still run our farm together and we still love God and we still managed to hold tight to our love for each other through it all.

And slowly, over time, I realized this isn’t always the case. Many marriages fall apart through the stress of infertility, and I know why. It’s hard, y’all. Infertility is like living in a nearly-constant state of mourning. Every month you go through the grieving cycle again and whew, who wouldn’t struggle with that?!

But I’ve got some tips for you. There are five important things we did that made our marriage stronger while traveling through the sorrow of infertility, instead of weaker. And I want to share them with you today.

1. Say the important stuff

I struggled with depression soon after we married, all linked to my inability to conceive. Some was physical depression from unbalanced hormones, but most of it was emotional and spiritual depression from fear and perceived failure.

I remember my husband saying to me, in complete frustration, “I’m sorry marrying me ruined your life.”

It was like something in me snapped. That wasn’t true, at all! Marrying him was the best thing I had ever done. But I wasn’t saying it. I was just depressed and cried all the time, and to him it seemed like his easy-going, happy fiancé regretted the marriage.

From that moment on, we worked hard to say the important things to each other. Things like,

“I’m thankful for you.”
“You’re a wonderful husband/wife.”
“I’m so glad I don’t have to go through this alone. I’m glad you’re beside me.”
“I love you. Even though I’m struggling right now, I do love you.”

And, of course, our favorite: “This is just hormones, honey. I think you’re the best thing ever.”

2. Talk realistically about your finances

The financial burden of treating infertility is astronomical. Maybe you have an awesome health plan that covers it, or maybe, like us, you don’t. Be realistic.

There was no way, with being self-employed, that we could do all the intensive infertility treatments available out there. So, we could sell the farm and look for different jobs that might have better coverage, or we could limit the infertility treatments to what we could pay out-of-pocket.

We decided, together, to keep the farm.

Maybe you would sell it. Maybe you and your husband are at the place to do-whatever-it-takes. It’s not about what is right to do financially but that whatever it is you talk about it realistically and decide what to do together. 

There were moments when I would have happily traded the farm for a baby, but that’s not a realistic view of the options. It wasn’t a baby vs. the farm–it was infertility treatments vs. the farm.

Also: remember this conversation about finances needs to happen regularly. This isn’t a once-for-all decision that needs to be made, but a continuing conversation that your spouse and you need to be having.

3. Pray together.

Honestly, this is probably the most important thing out of this whole list. PRAY TOGETHER.

And yes, there were times when I felt awkward initiating this when we were first married. I would wait until the lights were out at night and then I’d slip my hand over to my husband’s and I pray this broken-crazy prayer that God would give us wisdom, and help us love each other well, and teach me how to be a good wife to my husband even though I was hurting about not having babies.

My husband wasn’t one to pray aloud much, but over time, as I kept going, he started leading in that area and now one of the most wonderful parts of life are when he grabs my hand and starts praying.

In fact, I recently went through another bout of depression when the anniversary of a miscarriage came up and he stopped me, put his hand on my head, and prayed that God would give me relief. I could literally feel the depression lifting off of me. It was amazing.

Praying together has drawn us closer than anything else we’ve ever done.

5 Ways to love your husband as you're walking through the pain of infertility together.Click To Tweet
4. Have sex for fun.

One of the problems with infertility is the focus on the mechanics of sex (and keeping track to tell the doctor…) instead of the pleasure and comfort of it.

Every couple is different, but for us, I try to keep the charting-part of our sex life out of my husband’s way. Oh, there are times that I tell him I’m ovulating and we laugh and try to find a way to get alone together, but for the most part I just keep a notebook with whatever information the doctor wants and if I miss some of it, I try not to worry about it.

Sex can actually be a huge comfort during grief, and God gave it to us to build intimacy. If “scheduling” times to have sex is becoming a burden or a cause of tension— STOP. Turn off the app on your phone for a while, or ignore the charting.

Practice getting back to the joy of having sex with your spouse without worrying about the best position or the best time of day or the best anything. Every sexual encounter with your spouse won’t be the bong-diggity and every sexual encounter won’t produce a baby and that’s okay. The main point of sex in marriage is life-long intimacy, not a moment of ecstasy or even procreation.

5. Talk about your infertility.

To begin with, talk to each other. Share about what you’re struggling with—listen to what your spouse is struggling with.

And then? Find some safe places to talk about it with others.

Infertility often becomes a silent struggle, kept within the bounds of a marriage. And what often happens is eventually the stress causes the marriage to implode.

God created us to be in community. Obviously, that means community within our marriage, but also community within the Body of Christ. If you’re hurting, be brave enough and strong enough to share that with the Believers around you.

I started sharing through blogging, because I’m a writer. Others may stand up in front of church and ask for prayer. Many, many others will just quietly share their struggle with close friends.

There is no one-right-way, but there is a single wrong-way and that is to keep everything inside and pretend like you’re okay when you’re not.

Infertility feels like a personal failure, but it’s not. Getting it out into the open can help you keep a true-perspective. It’s so easy for the enemy to confuse our minds when we are prideful about sharing our struggles. Be humble. Talk about it.

Natasha Metzler is a farmer’s wife and adoptive mommy to two children. Her first book, Pain Redeemed: When Our Deepest Sorrows Meet God was written from the very middle of infertility and loss. Her latest book, Counting Grains of Sand: Learning to Delight in a Promise-Making God tells the story of how God built their family from splintered pieces and taught her to have faith from the middle of sorrow. She blogs at natashametzler.com.

If you’re walking through infertility, check out Natasha’s book Pain Redeemed!

What about you? Have you or someone close to you struggled with infertility? If you have some tips on keeping a marriage strong while facing infertility, share them in the comments. Let’s encourage and uplift each other today.

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Reader Question: My Husband’s Penis is Sloped the Wrong Way

What do you do if your husband’s penis is sloped downward?

Every Monday I like to post a reader question, and this one is a really sad one–and one that I hope every parent will read, because it’s important for our sons.

A woman writes:

I got married recently, and we were both virgins. But we’re both having a really difficult time because my husband’s penis is curved downward. I didn’t really realize anything was strange until I read your description of what an erection looks like in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex. My husband’s erection doesn’t point up; it’s curved downward. The only position we can make love in is rear entry, and I feel like I’m missing out on the intimacy you talked about in the book. But anything else is really painful for both of us. Do you have any suggestions?

I talked to my husband about this question because he’s a pediatrician, and he gave me quite a bit of information.

What this woman’s husband has is actually relatively common.

If an erection is sloped downward it’s called chordee, a congenital (birth) defect that affects the development of the penis.

A chordee often associated with hypospadias, where the opening from the urethra (the hole that you pee out of) is on the underside of the penis, rather than the tip.

Hypospadias affects about 1 in 200 boys, and it can be corrected with plastic surgery which is usually performed early. Chordee can also be corrected, but it often isn’t noticed as much UNLESS it’s associated with hypospadias. So if you simply have a malformation of the penis without the corresponding urinary issues you may not see it. It is, however, very obvious when the boy gets an erection. Since baby boys and toddlers do get erections, hopefully a parent would notice.

The good news is that chordee (a sloped penis) can usually be repaired with surgery.

This surgery, however, is best done before two years of age. It doesn’t mean it can’t be done later, but as you can imagine, it’s quite debilitating and painful.

So the message that I would have for this woman is that they have to go see a doctor, and ask for a referral to a urologist and figure out if this can be fixed. It isn’t as rare as people think, and the urologist will likely have some very good information.

(You can also have a chordee associated with trauma. Usually, though, the trauma would have been obvious and parents and doctors would have picked up on it. When it’s associated with trauma it’s harder to fix. )

But the message to parents is: please notice your little boy’s erections and watch for things like chordee. It is so much easier to fix when they are young.

I think many of us are so embarrassed of sex or anything sexual that we try to shy away from it, or become embarrassed by it. And as women raising sons, we may not realize that what an erection looks like when a baby is 6 months old or 18 months old is still important. Because we’re women, we don’t understand male anatomy ourselves. And we may not notice that when our son’s penises get hard but slope downward that this is a problem. It’s actually is an erection, but it’s going in the wrong direction.

And if dad doesn’t change diapers much he may never know, either.

My son only lived for a month, and so I didn’t have a lot of opportunities to change boys’ diapers. But I do remember that while getting used to changing Rebecca’s diapers was quite simple, because I knew where to wipe, getting used to changing a boy’s diaper was different. I wasn’t used to having to clean around those places. I’m a woman, and it’s just plain different. And so I can see how easy it might be to miss something like this.

So, please, if you fear something is odd, do mention it to your pediatrician. Or at least ask your husband about it. Now you all know it’s a real thing, so let’s be on the lookout.

I just feel for this couple so much because this must have been such a blow. I do hope the physicians can help them.

But for everyone else reading this, remember: if you fear that there’s something “off” with your little boy’s private parts, ask a doctor.

There’s so much they can do now, and it’s so much less traumatic and so much easier to fix if the child is really young! I’m glad this woman reached out for help. I’m sorry, though, that it took a description of an erection in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex to signal to both of these people that something was wrong. It just shows me again how important it is for parents to not shy away from sex or to hide information. When we do that, we often ignore those parts of our kids’ bodies, too, and we may inadvertently miss something.

Have any experience with chordee? Or any other comments about how difficult it is to get used to boys’ anatomy when you’re a mom? Let’s talk in the comments!

 

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Why Anger Is Not Always a Bad Emotion–even in Marriage

Is it okay to speak the truth in love in marriage?

This week started out with an interesting discussion on the blog about what to do if your husband has a really big belly–which makes sex difficult. A number of commenters said that this was completely an invalid thing to ever bring up, because we should just accept him. But I don’t buy that. Yes, we should love him and still sexually pursue him, but is it okay to ignore the fact that he is really unhealthy, and that he is hindering physical intimacy?

It reminded me of this piece that I wrote a while ago for a different website, about how too often we think that love means that we’re always kind and say nice things. What if our view of love is too one-dimensional? So today, for Friday’s musings, I thought we could look at how love and anger can even co-exist.

Sheila’s Marriage Musings: Why Speaking the Truth in Marriage Matters–even if it’s hard

“If you’re happy and you know it clap your hands!” My daughters learned that song in Sunday school. If you’re happy and you know it clap your hands, stomp your feet, shout Amen!

Then we went to a nearby playgroup where they sang the song differently. “If you’re mad and you know it stomp your feet.” Wow. Kids were allowed to be mad and not just happy? Who knew?

Sometimes it seems like in Christian circles there are only a few acceptable emotions–happiness, joy, peace.

Anger, even if it’s righteous, is seen as being judgmental, and certainly not gentle, like women should be.

And we often treat love the same way. When I speak at marriage conferences and ask women how to love their husbands, they always say something “nice”–be affectionate, praise him, encourage him. These things are all wonderful and necessary, but they do not encompass the sum total of what love is. That’s why I love this little nugget from 1 Corinthians 13:6:

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

After talking about how love doesn’t keep a record of wrongs and love isn’t vengeful, Paul says that, with all of that in mind, love still has boundaries. Love wants the best for the object of affection. Love does not just want to be loved in return; love wants the object of one’s affection to flourish. And that loved one cannot flourish if evil, or sin, are abounding.

An important part of love, then, is confronting sin and pointing people to Christ.


If you love someone, speak truth. Love does not ignore evil; it calls people to something more.Click To Tweet

Love is not just about being nice; love is about being good. That means that love does not tolerate something that will hurt the person who is loved.

Now, I’m not talking about making a big issue if a spouse won’t put dishes in the dishwasher or is always late or isn’t that affectionate. These are just differences that all couples must iron over in marriage. I’m not nearly as neat as my husband is, and when we were married, we had to work out how many clothes it was acceptable to have on the floor at once time–and I had to learn about the virtues of a laundry hamper.

But sometimes in marriage there is something “evil”–something that is jeopardizing a person’s relationship with God and relationship with their families.

I once received a letter from an older woman explaining how God had given her the ability to forgive her husband again and again in their marriage; how God had helped her stick it out for 41 years before he died of alcoholism. Her husband had been angry. He had yelled and at times hit. He had squandered their money. Their children had all fled when they were quite young, and many had made poor decisions themselves. But she was so happy because God had helped her be faithful and loving.

And I thought: Is it loving to do nothing while an alcoholic hurts himself, his kids, and his marriage? Or is it better to confront that alcoholic and say, “you need to get help and this needs to stop.” Paul tells us that love rejoices with the truth. Love does not cover over evil and enable it; love says “there is something wrong here and it needs to be addressed.”

Of course, none of this can be done in isolation. We can’t confront sin if we aren’t also kind, patient, and keeping no record of wrongs. We need to get our hearts right first. As Jesus said in Matthew 7:3-5:

Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4 How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.

When we take a good, hard look at ourselves first, and ask a mentor friend to pray with us, God often reveals things about our own hearts that may be difficult to see. And in that revealing, a path to deal with the difficulty in marriage often emerges.

Sometimes, though, the problem does not lie with us. And that’s when it’s time to stop covering up sin and start rejoicing in truth.

Unfortunately, that can be easier said than done emotionally. I’ve often had women say to me, “If I take a hard stand against his porn use, he may choose the porn over me.” They are scared to say anything or do anything because they may lose the relationship.

However, if they’re putting their own dreams for the relationship ahead of the good of their spouse, then they’re not actually being loving towards their spouse. They’re saying, “my marriage continuing matters more than my spouse getting well.” That’s not rejoicing with the truth. In a backhanded way, that’s actually being selfish.

True love does not rejoice when someone does something that hurts their soul. True love says, “you matter to me more than the relationship, so if I have to rock the boat a little, I’ll do that, because I care about you so much.”

Paul gives a blueprint in these verses for dealing with sin in marriage. We don’t do it vengefully. We don’t do it to prove that we are right or better than someone else. We don’t do it in anger. We do it gently, with the goal of restoring the person and the relationship. We do it because we believe in Jesus, who is the Way, the Truth, and the Life, and we want our marriages to delight in that Truth, too–even if the way towards Truth seems a little rocky.

Are you struggling with how to rejoice with the truth in your marriage?

In my book 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage I look at what it means to be a peaceMAKER, not just a peaceKEEPER–someone who stands up for what is right and who works to bring her marriage into God’s will. For many of us this seems like a foreign concept.

If you’re hurting in your marriage, please pick up the book. I think it will really help you find a way to forge a new relationship centered on what God really wants–Truth and Grace, together.

See the book here.

 

What’s #1 at To Love, Honor and Vacuum?

Spend some time getting to know your spouse this week(end). What he enjoys doing, what he struggles with, what he loves about your body.  Keep studying your man, there is always something more for you to learn!

#1 Post on the Blog: Does Your Spouse Have A Porn Addiction Or Just A Bad Habit?  The Difference Matters  

#2  on the Blog Overall: Top 10 Effects Of Porn On Your Brain, Your Marriage, And Your Sex Life 

#1 from Facebook: I Hate It When My Husband Touches Me THERE 

#1 from Pinterest: An Awesome List Of 79 Hobbies To Do With Your Spouse 

Here’s Why I’m Happy This Weekend…

My daughters are coming home! Rebecca will be home just overnight, but Katie’s home for a whole 5 days! That’s a treat.

I actually really enjoy being with my kids. They’re just plain fun. So we’ll likely play some board games and take some hikes (it’s supposed to warm up here a bit), and just laugh together.

I hope you have a wonderful weekend! I’m sure planning to!

The post Why Anger Is Not Always a Bad Emotion–even in Marriage appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Does the Church Divide by Gender Too Much?

I speak around North America at women’s events. And I love it.

I give a sex talk called “Girl Talk: Straight Talk About Sex, Marriage, and Intimacy” that goes over really well.

Keith and I actually have a talk that covers much of the same material that we give to couples, but I really enjoy giving the women’s one better. Somehow, when it comes to sex, I just think a woman speaking to women is more fun.

So I am not against the idea of women’s events and men’s events in churches. Sometimes there’s definitely a reason the genders should be divided!

At the same time, I’ve been noticing a trend in a lot of churches where gender differences are taken far more seriously than any other kind of difference–and so the genders seem to be separated far too often. What do I mean by this? Churches separate by gender when we:

Divide social and serving activities by gender
Teach different things to different genders
Talk about gender differences as if they are absolutes
Talk about gender propensities to certain weaknesses as if they are fixed in stone–and thus give people an excuse to not work on themselves
Think of people primarily in gender categories, rather than as people first

And so I thought today I’d share my thought process on this so we could talk about it. I’ve been talking this week about how churches can create a strong marriage ministry, and part of that is helping the genders to see each other as allies and as people, rather than as stereotypical polar opposites. So here goes!

Gender Differences are Real

First, I do believe that gender differences are real. There are biological, hardwired differences in the way that we are made. Women, for instance, have more acute hearing (and can distinguish their child’s voice in a crowd much more easily than men can). Men tend to have better spatial abilities; women tend to have better verbal abilities. Thus, I am a pro at parking so that our 4-car driveway can only take one car; Keith still remembers his high school algebra.

I also think that, in general, men are more visually stimulated than women. I know that when we’re sexually aroused, for instance, different parts of the brain light up. For women, it’s the relational side; for men, it’s the visual side.

Women produce more oxytocin, the bonding hormone. Men tend to be thrive more on competition. These aren’t just generalizations. They are rooted in population scientific data.

God made the genders different to show different parts of Himself

Both are made in His image. Neither is more or less important. Thus, we have an incomplete view of God if we eliminate or diminish one gender’s contributions. When we dismiss women’s contributions in church settings, for instance, we often lose out on a large part of what God is trying to do in the church. And when we dismiss men’s experiences with parenting, because women “are better at it”, we lose out on what God is trying to do in the family.

Does the church divide by gender too much? I think so. And that's dangerous:Click To Tweet
However, we can take both those truths and use them to bad ends. Here’s how:
We treat the genders badly when we say that differences are absolutes

Yes, men tend to have the higher sex drive. Yes, women tend to be more relational and more nurturing. Yes, men tend to be more visually stimulated.

Even yes, men tend to want respect while women tend to want love.

But when we reduce these tendencies to absolutes, we do people an incredible disservice. Some husbands will be more nurturing than their wives, and will be more suited to stay at home with the kids. Some women will be more visually stimulated than their husbands, and will struggle with temptation. Some men will have lower sex drives than their wives, and leave their wives feeling as if there’s something wrong with them.

Yes, God made the genders differently, but within the genders there is so much diversity itself. God is a very big god, and creation is very big. To expect everyone to be pigeonholed into certain categories just because of their gender can make those who are outliers feel as if there’s something wrong with them.

When we say that different preferences automatically mean different giftings

More women prefer cooking than men do. Women tend to enjoy looking after babies more than men do. More men enjoy swinging a hammer than women do.

That should not mean, however, that only women can bring casseroles to potlucks, that only men can serve on the maintenance committee at church, or that only women can serve in the nursery.

When we decide that men should do the “brainy” and active jobs at church, while women should be relegated to the kitchen and the children, we diminish God’s giftings. It’s quite clear in Scripture that the Holy Spirit gives gifts as the Holy Spirit chooses, and those gifts are not limited by gender. Priscilla had the gift of teaching; Stephen and six other men were chosen to help with food distribution. if the next generation is going to change this world for God, then we shouldn’t give them the idea that certain gifts or interests are out of their reach because of their gender.

When we say that weaknesses can’t be overcome–they’re genetic.

And here’s one I’m super passionate about: too often we use gender differences as an excuse to not deal with sin. Yes, men are more visually stimulated, but that doesn’t mean that women must be responsible for keeping men from sinning by dressing appropriately, or that a man’s fall into pornography is because his wife won’t have sex enough. And yet too often that is what I hear. We need to stop with the “boys will be boys” message.

Similarly, too often we teach women to be these gentle creatures who are taught to always submit, and in so doing we raise a generation of girls who don’t know how to stand up for justice and who don’t know how to enforce biblical boundaries.

When we tell girls that they are meant only to be meek and gentle, and when we tell boys that they will always battle with lust, we don’t give them the tools they need to grow into a whole person in Christ. We hold them back.

How should we treat gender in marriage and the church?
Let’s remember the bigger picture of gender differences

God made us differently so that, through relationship, we would grow to be holier and more giving. As we marry, we will have to adjust to someone different from us. And iron sharpens iron. Those differences will cause us to grow.

And those differences allow us to do bigger things. Because we are stretched beyond our comfort level, and because we are exposed to different ways of seeing the world, we can do more things well! We parent better when we have two different approaches and perspectives. We function better in church when there are different perspectives that better match all the different needs in the congregation.

Let’s cherish the differences

Too often I see an air of superiority popping up when it comes to gender. Women can feel superior to men, because we’re the ones who understand relationship, and our perspective in marriage must be the right one. Men can feel superior because they feel they are made to be the leaders, and so often they discount women’s views of how things should go.

Let’s stop the superiority, and start cherishing the differences. Isn’t it wonderful that we’re not all the same? Isn’t life more exciting because we’re all so different?

Let’s stop sexualizing each other

One last thought–part of the problem of dividing by gender so much is that we start seeing people as classes of people, rather than as individuals. As I shared in my Boys Will Be Boys post, I have felt more respected and appreciated at all of the secular workplaces and universities I have been in than I have in the majority (not all) of the churches I have attended. When we divide so much by gender, we end up inadvertently sexualizing each other far too much, so that it’s difficult to value each other and have friendships with all. I think this is one reason that so many men are so prone to temptation. They’ve been led to believe that it’s inevitable that they will see women as objects, rather than held to a higher standard where they are expected to respect and honour women–as they are in most secular workplaces today.

When the church divides by gender, we oversexualize each other and reinforce weaknesses.Click To Tweet
When it’s churches that sexualize people and hold people back, that’s really a shame. We are all created in the image of God. We are all precious. And we are all people, first and foremost.

Let me know: how can churches stop sexualizing relationships between the genders? How can we feel more accepting of each other? Let’s talk in the comments!

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Why Calling Porn Use An Addiction Can Sometimes Make It Worse

What does it matter if we call porn use an “addiction” or a “habit”?

Yesterday and today I’ve had Leah Grey talking about the misunderstandings we have about porn addiction in marriage. Yesterday she asked the question what if what we’re calling an addiction is actually just a bad habit? 

I’ve been writing about porn use in marriage and the dangers of porn use for years, and I hadn’t ever thought of it like that before. I am so glad Leah sent me these posts, and I love her perspective today, too. Here’s Leah:

If you’re reading this right now, you might be one of the many of us whose spouse struggles with a pornography addiction.

Addiction is a term we’re using often nowadays, “Addicted to video games”, “Addicted to food”, “Addicted to tanning”, “Addicted to sugar”. But what’s the difference between a true addiction, an obsession, a bad habit or a compulsion? And why does it matter what we call it, isn’t it all the same if it’s hurting your marriage?

I’m in the “business” of addiction. Not only have I lived it and survived the effects of it but I talk about it literally every single day. The more I talk to people the more I believe, what we think to be true about addiction is all wrong. In fact, what we think to be true about addiction is now magnifying the problem. That’s a whole new problem! With addiction on the rise, in this case, porn addiction, I think it’s time we ask ourselves if we’re too easily becoming “addicted”.

Have you heard the line, “A rose by any other name would smell as sweet” from Romeo and Juliet? Most of us took Shakespeare in school so I would imagine you have. When it comes to addiction you might say, “A rose by any other name would smell as sweet, but the thorn will hurt you either way!”.

Maybe not the best metaphor but it makes a point.

Why Does It Matter What We Call “It”?

Let’s just say for a moment you’re a newlywed and every time you go grocery shopping for your spouse, they said you didn’t do it properly. You never bought the right thing. You always spent too much money. You forgot the most important thing on the list (Can you tell this used to happen in my household?). Every time you’d come home your spouse would say, “You’re totally incapable of getting groceries”. Buying groceries would become a stressful thing! It would slowly cause tension in your marriage until you believed you were, in fact, incapable of getting groceries. Eventually, you wouldn’t even bother trying anymore.

Now, imagine you’re a newlywed and every time you go grocery shopping for your spouse, they still said you didn’t do it right. You never bought the right thing. You spent too much money. You always forgot the most important thing on the list. Every time you’d come home your spouse would laugh and say, “I knew you were going to forget. It’s okay. You can get it next time you go. I’ll make something else for dinner”. The next time you went grocery shopping, you remembered the important thing. You felt good about yourself. Your spouse felt good. Grocery shopping would no longer be an issue.

Obviously, this is a lighthearted example but if you relate the general philosophy to pornography you can imagine how believing they have the “addiction disease” would affect them differently than saying they have a “bad habit”.

When it comes to addiction, the world says, “Addiction is a disease with no cure”, “Once an addict, always an addict”, “Relapse is part of recovery”.

What does the world say about breaking bad habits? “Replace the bad habit with a good habit”, “Change your thinking and visualize success” or, “It only takes twenty-one days to break a habit!”.

It’s a totally different message! Interestingly enough, if you read part one of this post where I interviewed my husband the dictionary defines “addiction” and “habit” as almost the exact, same thing! Obviously, they’re not the same, which means the label we give our spouse in tough times matters.

A lot.

What Makes Pornography Different from Other Addictions?

Dr. Grant Mullen is an expert in mood disorders. He has a huge library of resources on his website in his video blog where he talks extensively about things like emotional healing, pornography and marriage. In one of his videos, he makes an interesting point that pornography is the only addiction that comes looking for you. All other addictions you have to seek out first but pornography is in our homes, on our televisions, our phones, in advertisements, on YouTube, it’s everywhere! Satan dangles the temptation in front of us, peaks our interest and draws us in until we’re hooked.

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” -John 10:10 (NIV)

If you think about it from a Christian standpoint, the biggest difference between pornography and other addictions is pornography has a very strong spiritual side to it. It’s being used as a weapon to destroy marriages and lure young men and women into addictive behaviour and for some, a true sex addiction. It covers lives in shame and insecurity until they believe they’re unworthy of God’s love. I personally believe sex addiction to be the most emotionally, physically and spiritually devastating addiction to a relationship.

While all addictions can lead to physical death, sex addiction destroys the soul.  

Bound and Burdened by Shame

Shame is one of the biggest problems affecting Christians today, especially Christians trapped in pornography. Shame makes us feel uncomfortable with ourselves. As a result of shame, we build protective walls around our hearts that pushes away our spouse. For some, shame could come out as fear, for others it may come out as anger or sadness.

If the pornography use in your marriage is not a “true” sex addiction which, if you’ll remember from the last post, my husband estimated about 90% of pornography users were not true sex addicts (He’s not a doctor, he’s estimating off life experience with all things addiction, his own included). I believe it changes the way we should react to the problem.

Sex addicts need strict boundaries. Most have to refrain from sex for a period of time. They need counseling, they may need medication or to go to a treatment center specializing in sex addiction. It’s the only addiction where total abstinence is not the end goal, so the relapse rates are very high. It’s a very serious issue and recovery needs to be taken just as seriously. If you’re the spouse of a sex addict, you absolutely need to get professional support. (Need help? Hop on over to my blog and read, “My Loved One Has an Addiction, What Can I Do?”)

However, if your spouse is struggling with pornography, I encourage you first of all to stop calling it an “addiction”. Changing the name of your thorny rose won’t make it hurt less but it will change your spouse’s perspective and they need to believe they can fight this. When the hopelessness and shame have left your marriage, you’ll slowly become the spouse who laughed when their loved one came home with the wrong groceries. That attitude will bless your marriage in ways you won’t believe.

“For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God” -Ephesians 2:8 (ESV)

What Can The Church Do to Help? 

Much like Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, we’re ashamed of our nakedness.

“Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked. And they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loincloths.” -Genesis 3:7(ESV)

When it comes to marriage, this is another one of the great lies from the enemy intended to destroy our relationships. I understand it. I was raised in a Mennonite Brethren Church, there’s absolutely no nakedness there (There isn’t even dancing!). After marrying a Latin man and getting a European sister-in-law, my ideas on nudity are (Slowly) changing (At a snail-like pace).

God created us to be attracted to the naked body. In marriage, our bodies are meant to fit together and bring each other pleasure but we can’t do that if we’re ashamed of our nakedness. We might be ashamed because of how we were raised or because we think Christians are supposed to dress like Monica from “Touched by an Angel” but I don’t believe that’s how God designed us. God designed us to freely love our spouses with reckless abandon; Unashamed and super naked.

I asked my husband what he thought the church could do to change the message they give about pornography and sex to help prevent pornography addictions before they begin. He said to teach, “It’s normal for the flesh to see flesh”. I have to admit, at first, I had my feathers ruffled because I don’t want him seeing any other woman’s flesh. He went on to explain that the message we’re getting in church denies our human nature to the point where seeing our own spouse’s flesh is still something to be ashamed of. Intimate love and compassion are not taught as the solution to sexual problems in marriage so when we’re sexually frustrated or curious, ashamed or denying our human nature, we secretly seek out other ways to satisfy a biological need.

So, I encourage you to think about who God says we are and dare to change your mindset about pornography. God can bring healing and restoration to marriages that have felt the devastation of pornography. Need proof? Look at mine, who knew my husband was so wise!

For more addiction-related support sign up for my free resource, “The Scaredy Cat Faith Guide for Crisis Situations” and get a three-part email series on overcoming fear.

If you need help with substance abuse, addiction, mental health or recovery from pornography (Habits OR addiction!) here’s a list of my favourite resources for support:

Online Support for Pornography Recovery:

XXX Church: https://www.xxxchurch.com/
No Fap: https://www.nofap.com/


Christian Treatment Centers:

Teen Challenge USA: https://www.teenchallengeusa.com/
Teen Challenge Canada: http://www.teenchallenge.ca/
The Lighthouse Network (Help finding affordable Christian Treatment Centers- USA): http://lighthousenetwork.org/


For Women Struggling with Pornography:

Dirty Girl Ministries: http://dirtygirlsministries.com


Support for Christian Wives of Addicts:

The “Live, Love, Hope” Community: http://leahgrey.com/livelovehope

 

[image error] Leah Grey moved to New York City full of hopeful aspirations until her husband went into long-term treatment for addiction. Unable to afford to stay, she picked up her childhood dreams and moved back to her rural, Canadian beach town with her two young children. From rooftop city skyline views to her parent’s basement, in the darkest time of her life, she created Grey Minis-tries to support, encourage and empower women with loved ones who struggle with addiction. With a practical faith-based approach, she challenges popular beliefs about addiction while teaching women in crisis how to find God’s peace within the storms of life. In March 2016, she launched her website, leahgrey.com and popular peer support community, “Live, Love, Hope”.

 

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