Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 139
February 21, 2017
When You’re Unhappy in Marriage–Without a Real Reason
Every Wednesday we talk marriage here at To, Love, Honor and Vacuum (and usually we talk marriage other days, too!). And this week, while we’re talking about aging, I thought I’d highlight one of my favourite marriage movies.
A few years ago I posted the 50 most romantic movies, as voted by my Facebook fans at the time, and one of those movies was Shall We Dance, with Richard Gere, Susan Sarandon, and Jennifer Lopez. It’s about an accountant (Gere) who is married to a teacher (Sarandon) and they have a great life, a great house, and great kids. But every night, on his way home from work, he passes a dance studio where Jennifer Lopez is looking out the window.
And so, without telling his wife, he signs up for ballroom dancing lessons.
For a while you’re scared he’s going to have an affair with JLo (he doesn’t). His wife, though, thinks he’s having an affair, and hires a private investigator to find out. He discovers that the husband is simply dancing. And in one of the conversations between the PI and the wife, you see one of the best explanations of the meaning of marriage I’ve ever seen in a secular film (she gets into it at about the thirty second mark):
When the husband and wife finally have it out as to why he’s been keeping this secret, he admits,
“I just felt so badly about being so unhappy when I had every reason to be happy.”
I think that’s the definition of a midlife crisis for so many people. They just feel badly about feeling unhappy when they have every reason to be happy.
I’ve gone through that a bit. Life simply gets a little, well, boring. It’s not that you want a different spouse, or different kids, or anything like that. You just need a little bit more adventure!
The mistake that Gere makes in the movie is that he pursues that adventure without her, when she would have been more than happy to take dancing lessons with him (and that’s what they end up doing together at the end; the ending is really quite a satisfying one).
So when we’re feeling a little restless, and a little in need of something MORE, how do we make sure that we don’t pursue that without our spouse?
Let me start with some typical advice, which is actually true, if a little bland. And then I’ll tell you what really worked for me.
Learning something new can spice things up
This couple learned how to ballroom dance. Keith and I have taken ballroom dancing lessons, and we love it! We’ve even learned how to take ballroom dancing from home.
But if you’re not into dancing, finding something else that’s new is still a great idea. I’ve got a list of 79 hobbies you can try as a couple. See if one of them sounds more like you.
Plan adventures to look forward to
Plan some vacations. Make some 5-year financial goals. Do something different, like buying an RV, if finances permit. Change life up a little!
Revive some old dreams
Did you used to dream of writing a book? Finishing school? Starting your own business? Sometimes midlife is the best time to bring out those old dreams, because the kids’ schedules have settled down, finances often aren’t as tight, and you finally have the opportunity. Instead of letting yourself get comfortable in a settled down life, try reviving something that once gave you excitement!
But here’s the thing. We did all of that. And we still felt a little distant.
And do you know why? My husband was working hard, and I was working hard, and I got in the habit of not sharing the things that were most on my heart. I shared about this period of our life here, on why we grew apart. But I just want to elaborate a bit today, because I think this is the root of a lot of the distance of midlife crises.
It started with work. I’ve always felt a little bit embarrassed by this blog. Keith’s got the “real” job, and I’m just at home typing into a computer. So when things would go wrong, it would seem silly to fuss about. Or if things went well, it seemed equally silly. I’d get excited about something on the blog, but to explain it to him at dinner would take too long, because he wouldn’t know the context. Or, conversely, I’d get worried about something, and to explain the problem with HTML code would be cumbersome. And he’d suggest solutions, all of which I’d already tried, and it just got easier to not tell him stuff. Instead, I’d tell my daughter (who understood blogging) or I’d tell my mom (who understood marketing), and then the stuff that I spent 95% of my time thinking about ended up being a mystery to him.
Then over the last two and a half years I’ve been on a weird ride with God. I feel God’s been impressing certain things on my heart to pray for, but it’s hard to explain to other people. And so I’ve kept it inside.
And slowly I’d start to resent him because he didn’t know what was going on in my heart. But the simple truth was I wasn’t telling him.
Then, similarly, he wasn’t telling me things because it would also take too much time. Plus there’s that whole patient confidentiality thing. And then there’s the issue that Keith feels the responsibility of his patients very heavily on him. He didn’t want to burden me with that.
We had this great relationship where we did things together and we loved each other, but we stopped understanding what was going on in each other’s hearts. And it was simply because we stopped opening up. It seemed easier not to.
A funny thing happens when you start to really share your heart, though. Life gets exciting again.
If we keep plugged in, life isn’t boring. What God is doing in our hearts is never boring. Emotional growth is always exciting! New revelations from God are always really cool. When we feel as if someone else understands our hearts, that’s when we start feeling truly alive again. I think it’s because vulnerability is always exciting. When we bare our souls to someone, it’s never boring, because it’s not predictable. We’re sharing what God is doing, and God is always doing something new.
If you want to keep things fresh and new, then, you have to share the fresh and new stuff that is happening in your heart, even if that fresh and new stuff is a downer.
So many marriages become so polite, because you care about each other, you don’t want to burden each other, and you really enjoy being comfortable.
But polite ends up being boring after a while. And when you get bored, it’s all too easy to get resentful.
Don’t just be polite. Let your spouse in, to the good, the bad, and the ugly. Never hold back. Ultimately, there is no other way to keep the excitement alive than to simply keep plugged in to your heart.
Is this a challenge for you?
I’ve got a FREE 5 lesson email course to help you reconnect emotionally with your spouse. Each lesson builds on the one before, to help you slowly start to open up again and share your heart. We start small, then we build to something big!
Let me know in the comments: Can you relate to “feeling badly about being unhappy when you have every reason to be happy”? What did you do about it? Let’s talk!
The post When You’re Unhappy in Marriage–Without a Real Reason appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
February 20, 2017
Reader Question: Help! My Husband’s Having a Midlife Crisis
On Mondays I like to take a reader question and try to answer it. This week I want to look at aging issues in marriage, and one of the biggest ones relates to this problem of midlife crises. My reader writes:
My husband is going through a midlife crisis. I would love to make love with him. However, he’s not letting me near him. His mind and heart have been focused elsewhere for that long.
I really wish I was educated on midlife crisis so I could have seen this coming and done what I could to prevent such choices that hurt the marriage. I don’t see people discussing midlife crisis except as a joke. It’s a deeply painful topic. If more people understood how midlife crisis can devastate marriages then maybe the midlife crisis in future would be nothing more than a blip in life. More people would be proactive and ensure that God is central to their marriage.
Isn’t that sad? I guess that’s not a question so much as a request to address the concept of how to walk beside your husband when he is having a midlife crisis. I don’t know if I have any good answers, but let’s explore this.
A midlife crisis can affect anyone--even Christians. Here's what it looks like, and what to do:
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The Two Causes of a MidLife Crisis
Generally, people have a midlife crisis for one of two reasons:
They realize that they will never accomplish everything they wanted to;
Or they realize that they HAVE accomplished what they set out to do, and it still isn’t enough.
I think men tend to be more prone to #1, and women tend to be more prone to #2 (although men can experience that one, too).
So much of our identity is based on the goals that we have. We strive for them, we invest emotional energy in them, and they start to define who we are. That’s what’s anchored and oriented us for ever so long.
But what happens when those goals are no longer the focus? Then we feel lost, as if have no real purpose, and we start questioning our choices. Often that even involves questioning whether past choices (including marriage) were worth it.
The midlife crisis that comes from accomplishing your goals–and realizing that it wasn’t enough
We see this in women often when their goals become completely caught up in their children. Their identity is as a mom, and when the kids head off to college, or when they stop homeschooling, or when children grow up and actually reject the parents’ influence, then the mom feels anchorless, like she can’t get her footing.
They’ve accomplished it, and they’ve finished their goals, but now life has little meaning because the goal itself was the meaning.
I’ve also known men to go through this (and women, too, in a professional capacity). One husband I know spent twenty years sacrificing to build a successful business. His wife supported him, making all the meals and holding the family together while he worked long hours and built it up.
Then, in his mid-forties, he was offered a substantial buy-out. He took it.
He left his wife a year later. So much of his identity was in building that business, that when he had accomplished that goal, everything else seemed meaningless.
The midlife crisis that comes from realizing you will never accomplish your goals
Then there’s that realization that you’ll never be where you wanted to be. Maybe you wanted to get somewhere in your career. You wanted to own your own house, or have certain possessions. Maybe you even wanted to become a parent, and now it isn’t going to happen.
Your identity is now gone. What do you do?
A midlife crisis is a search for new identity
My husband walked through this over the last few years. Five years ago he landed his most perfect job. After years of working so hard and being on call far too often and seeing his health suffer, he landed a position in a teaching hospital where he could teach future doctors (something he loves); work with awesome and knowledgeable colleagues; and rebuild an academic program.
It was wonderful.
But then we realized that it didn’t fit with our schedule, our marriage, or where we wanted to be in life. We didn’t want him wedded to a job that required a long commute. We wanted to do more travelling. We wanted to start speaking at more marriage conferences. He loves birdwatching, and he wanted to start touring with me as I took my Girl Talk to churches so he could see more birds.
Over a two year period he had to come to terms with the fact that he couldn’t do his dream job and still live the life we felt called to live (that involved a lot of speaking).
Keith has worked so hard at being a doctor. He studied hard, he holds the responsibility seriously, and he truly cares about his patients. And while he still is a doctor, he doesn’t have the fancy academic titles anymore. He said goodbye to the dream he had.
No idea what my expression is here. But we love speaking together!
Thoughts on Avoiding the Worst of the Midlife Crisis
Keith and I survived relatively unscathed. But some things can make a midlife crisis worse. So let’s look at how to avoid things blowing up:
4 Ways to Make Sure a Midlife Crisis Doesn't Blow Up Your Marriage:
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1. Take care of your mental and physical health early
If the person already suffers from mild depression, or if they have ignored health issues for far too long, then the crisis can come on far worse. Depression can make disappointment blow up out of proportion, and the health problems can cause despondency, too.
When you’re younger, then, address any depression as it comes up. Talk to a doctor. And eat well in your thirties. Don’t wait until your forties when the weight creeps up and you can’t ignore things anymore.
2. Stay rooted in community
People who are more prone to a midlife crisis are also people whose emotional energy is primarily directed at achieving their goal–whether it’s personal or professional. The more emotional energy you can put in other places, then, the less punch a midlife re-orientation of goals will have. When you have good friends and a good church body, and when you serve there and appreciate the fruits of your labours there, then you’ll have more to your life than just those goals.
3. Keep your couple goals first and foremost
Most of us have career and personal goals. But do we have couple goals? Do we have things that we want to accomplish together? When I think back on my friend who threw herself into supporting her husband’s business, I wonder if that was part of the problem (although seriously–she is NOT to blame for his affair! Absolutely not!). But sometimes we wives can think that we’re doing this awesome thing by sacrificing everything so that he can earn the money for the family, but in turn we kind of cement this idea that you both have separate lives–he has the business, and you have the family.
It’s great to support your husband. When Keith was in his residency program and the babies were small, I got up with them every night because Keith really needed the sleep. I brought him food when he was on call. I did almost all of the housework. But I did all of that because when Keith was around, what I really wanted was just to be able to enjoy couple time, not have him dust a coffee table. And so we cherished those times together.
Just be careful that in your good and God-given desire to support your husband, you don’t end up creating a family where it’s Husband on one side and Mom and the kids on the other.
Want some ideas for couple goals? Here’s a great post with practical ideas on setting goals as a couple!
4. Don’t let a goal become your idol
Here’s the most important one to me, though. Don’t ever let a goal become your idol. It’s great to have goals. But our goals are absolutely meaningless unless they’re rooted in God’s purpose for our lives. And thus, goals are really secondary to a primary thing: serving God.
Here’s how this may work. Your goal is to serve God and to see His kingdom come on earth, as it is in heaven. You believe that the specific way in which you are called to live that out here on earth may be to start a restaurant where you serve good food and give good jobs to some people in your neighbourhood. You work hard at it, but one day, for whatever reason, you have to leave that business. That’s okay, because now you know you’re stepping into something else that God has for you.
But if the restaurant became your main goal, then that can be really traumatic.
Our goals are only the specific ways in which we live out God’s purposes. But His calling should always be our #1 goal. If one way ends, then, it only means another is beginning. That’s what Keith and I found in our marriage, and it made it much easier to bear.
Final Thoughts on walking alongside a husband in a midlife crisis
If your husband is in a full-blown midlife crisis, though, it’s going to be hard. He’s likely to withdraw while he thinks, and you’ll be so tempted to try to pull him back. He’s likely to be angry and lash out at you, because you represent the previous life that he feels as if he has now lost. He may even shut you out of his future plans.
It’s going to be heartbreaking and scary and lonely.
You’re going to need to pray, and pray HARD. But let him walk through this, because he needs to in order to let God have the full impact in his life. He needs to be humbled and oriented back to God.
Surround yourself with community while you are scared. Keep yourself healthy. And, if your husband is completely pushing you away and starting to get into something really wrong, then seek out a counsellor for help in how to confront him. My book, 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, can also help you in this.
What 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage Has to Say
Do you know the difference between a peaceKEEPER and a peaceMAKER?
A peacekeeper tries not to rock the boat, but in the process they don’t always deal with issues. A peacemaker, on the other hand, tries to address real issues so that you can feel in unity again. In this book, I show you how to walk alongside someone and be a peacemaker. And I show what to do when you may need to get some help for your marriage.
Learn more about the book here!
We do need to talk more about what it’s like having a husband in a midlife crisis.
So let’s talk! If you’ve walked through this, tell us in the comments: what was it like? How did you get through it? Any advice for the rest of us?
The post Reader Question: Help! My Husband’s Having a Midlife Crisis appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
February 17, 2017
Holy Discontentment Can Be a Good Thing
One of my goals in this last week, as the Boost Your Libido course launched, was to show people that we didn’t have to be content with blah marriages. God actually wants us to be passionate, and sometimes He stirs up discontentment in us to prod us into doing something about it.
The course launch is now over (although you can still buy the course any time! Just the special is over). And I’ve been blown away by how much interest there was in this course, and really humbled. Thank you.
I’ve decided I’m going to start working on more courses, so I’d love to know any ideas you have for what you’d like to see! Just put them in the comments. Here are three I’m thinking of: tell me which one I should start first (or give me another idea, too!).
How to Make Sex Actually Feel Good (and even how to reach the Big O!)
How to Recover as a Couple from a Porn Addiction
How to Handle it when HE has No Sex Drive
I’d love some feedback!
During the launch, though, I wrote a post for Gary Thomas, the author of Sacred Marriage and his newest book, Cherish, that I really liked. And today I thought I’d give you a snippet of it and then link to it, so that you can read the rest.
Every night when I was a little girl, I would drift off to sleep dreaming of one day being married to a man who would make me feel safe. An only child of an amazing single mother, I still desperately needed to know that I was loved and that my life wouldn’t be uprooted again.
I wanted stability. I wanted, in Gary’s words, to be cherished.
I’ve been married for twenty-five years now, and I can attest with every fiber of my being that I am, indeed, very safe.
But I’ve also learned that safe isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. The reason that I’m happy with my husband today is not because I’m safe; the reason I’m happy with my husband is that together, we’re living an adventure.
Sometimes in our quest for safe we forget to live. We’re trying so hard to avoid anything bad that we forget to let the good in, too.
We know there’s such a thing as holy contentment–the sentiment that the Apostle Paul conveyed in Philippians 4:12:
I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.
I believe, though, that there’s also a thing called holy discontentment, even in our marriage. It doesn’t mean that we’re unhappy with our mate. It’s that we feel that we’re missing something important that God had for us. We know that He created us for more, and we’ve been settling. And we have a thirst for God’s passion to be more real in our lives, so that we stop playing it safe and start really living.
Nowhere do I see this as much in women’s experiences as in the area of sexual intimacy.
Read the rest of the post here! It’s an important one.
What’s #1 at To Love, Honor and Vacuum?
Valentine’s Day may be over, but that is no excuse to slow down in the love department! How can you show your husband you love him? In this week’s tops, we’ve got some great posts on ways to spend quality time with your hubby as well as how to keep the heat rising!
#1 Post on the Blog: 10 Ways To Make Sex Feel Great For Your Husband
#1
on the Blog Overall: 20 Two Person Games To Play With Your Husband
#1 from Facebook: 50 Shades Of Grey Is Bad For Your Marriage
#2 from Pinterest: 10 Ways To Crank Up The Heat In Your Marriage
What a Week!
I just wanted again to say thank you to everyone who ordered the Boost Your Libido course. I’m truly humbled, and I pray that it helps you!
And then last night I posted this on Facebook after some negative feedback I got about the #1 post of the week (how to make sex feel great for your husband):
Am getting some complaints that I talk about sex too much on a public forum, and teenagers may see. Here’s the thing: If we DON’T talk about this, we leave a vacuum, and the world fills it. Nothing that I say on my blog is erotic or ungodly. It’s all about healthy sex in marriage. And I guarantee you that the vast majority of 12 or 13 year olds already know far beyond anything I say on the blog, because our culture has it hanging out everywhere. I firmly believe that we need MORE Christian voices here, not fewer. And I try to be as tasteful as possible. I don’t deliberately advertise to teens, and my analytics show that there are actually very, very few teens on my blog. Over 80% are married women from 20-60 (and the rest are mostly married men). So I think we need to stop with the “but teens may see it!” Yes, they may. But what I say is healthy, and it isn’t that graphic. I would prefer they didn’t, but if we try to create a system where teens can NEVER see anything, then neither can the people who really need the information. And then they will Google it instead. And then just imagine what will come up. That is why I am here. I hope you all understand!
That post has gone viral. So many encouraging comments. I’m going to save the post so that next time I’m discouraged I can just read it.
So I just wanted to say–you guys have no idea how much you encourage me. Thank you. And I hope that I can help you, too!
Have a great weekend–and do let me know your thoughts for future courses!
The post Holy Discontentment Can Be a Good Thing appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
February 16, 2017
5 Health Problems Linked to Erectile Dysfunction
We talk a lot on here about how porn is often the culprit when it comes to sexual dysfunction issues in a marriage, but that’s not always the case. Sometimes there are actually underlying medical reasons for erectile dysfunction, and all of them are important to have monitored.
Today I’m happy to have David Gomes here to talk about the medical side of erectile dysfunction. I think this is such an important thing to talk about, since it does affect a lot of marriages.
On to David:
Sexual disorders can cause problems in a man’s life. Not only physical problems but also problems that extend to psychological issues – such as depression and anxiety. These problems can have a significant negative impact on a man’s quality of life. Apart from the impact sexual disorders have on a man’s personal health and the relationship he has with himself, these disorders can also cause problems in the healthiest of marriages. Sex is an important part of many healthy marriages, and when sexual intercourse isn’t as satisfying as it used to be, the marriage may experience problems and, in some cases, might even lead to a dead-end when the problems aren’t addressed appropriately.
Erectile dysfunction is the most common sexual disorder that men have to face. It causes problems with a man’s ability to have normal erections. In some cases, men can obtain an erection, but the erection tends to go away while the man is having sex. In more advanced cases, the man may be unable to get an erection at all, or his erection may not be hard enough to have sex. Johns Hopkins Bloomberg’s School of Public Health estimates that approximately 18.4% of men who are aged 20 years or older experience symptoms of this sexual disorder. They also estimate that at least 18 million American adult men are affected by the problem.
Health Conditions That Have Been Linked To Erectile Dysfunction
While erectile dysfunction might seem like a disorder on its own, it is often a sign that an underlying source is causing problems in a man’s life. While the condition is sometimes diagnosed independently, it is accompanied by another serious health concern most of the times. Thus, it is important for men to realize that signs of this sexual disorder might not mean that they are developing problems with their sexual function, but may rather be a sign that a serious health concern is in development. Obtaining effective treatment for the underlying health concern can often be the best way to treat the symptoms of erectile dysfunction that have developed.
1: Type 2 Diabetes
Diabetes is a condition that can develop when the amount of sugar circulating in the bloodstream is too high. While there are two different types of diabetes, more than 90% of patients diagnosed with the condition have type 2 diabetes. This specific type of diabetes often develops when a person has too much excess weight or does not participate in an adequate amount of exercise on a regular basis. Of the 30 million adults in the United States that have been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes, approximately 50% are men. A clinical study that was conducted in Baltimore noted that erectile dysfunction’s prevalence tends to be much higher among men who have diabetes. In fact, among all of the participants in the study, men with diabetes had a 51.3% prevalence of erectile dysfunction.
2: Heart Disease
Heart disease is a common problem that a lot of men suffer from. Heart disease tends to affect the heart’s health, as well as arteries and blood circulation. The health of arteries and the body’s ability to push blood to all areas of the body is very important for healthy erections. When arteries are damaged, or blood flow is restricted, then the penis may not have access to an amount of blood that is enough to help it completely expand. WebMD explains that erectile dysfunction may be one of the best predictions of a developing heart disease as the blood vessels located in the penis is much smaller than the blood vessels that are found in other parts of the human body. Thus, when the lining of these blood vessels starts to deteriorate, erectile dysfunction symptoms may develop. This could lead to the early detection and treatment of a developing heart disease.
3: Heart Attack
Apart from the fact that symptoms of erectile dysfunction may be signalling the development of heart disease, it could also be a warning sign that a man is at risk of experiencing a heart attack. The penis requires healthy blood supply when a man gains an erection and, when the erection does not swell up to a firm and large size, it may be a signal that arteries are blocked in the male body. When arteries are blocked, a condition known as atherosclerosis can develop. This can cause blood clotting and even a sudden rupture of the plaque, which then pushes through the heart and causes affected heart muscle to stop working -–this is what happens during a heart attack. Thus, if blocked arteries are causing erection problems, it may be a signal that a man has a higher risk of having a heart attack.
4: Depression
At least 9% of American adult men are currently suffering from depression, while at least 30.6% of men in the country have suffered from depression in the past. These are recorded statistics, which means the actual figures may be much higher. One problem is that many people fail to realize they have depression as the symptoms may differ from one person to another. There is a cross-directional link between depression and erectile dysfunction. Depression can cause a person to experience symptoms of this sexual disorder. Being diagnosed with erectile dysfunction can also cause a person to become depressed. Depression can have a negative impact on mental and physical health.
5: Liver Disease
This may come as a surprise, but the liver plays a part in a man’s ability to perform during sexual intercourse. The liver has a role in the processing of certain male hormones. When the liver does not function properly, then it may not have the ability to process these hormones sufficiently. Thus hormone levels, such as testosterone, may decline drastically. This may lead to the development of erectile dysfunction. Thus, men who have erectile dysfunction without accompanied heart disease or depression should have their liver checked for disease and damage.
Erectile dysfunction can be a disorder that makes drastic changes in a man’s life. It may cause problems with the man’s self-confidence and even lead to the end of marriage in some cases. This problem, however, does not necessarily mean a man has physical problems with his reproductive organ but may be signalling the development of another serious health concern. Treating the health concern that is causing the problem may help to restore erectile function. While the man is undergoing treatment for the underlying cause of erectile dysfunction, a supplement, such as Erect on Demand, can be taken to temporarily provide relief of the effects the health concern has on his erectile function.
David Gomes completed his M.S Professional degree in California Institute of Technology. He is work for Consumer Health Digest. He loves to write on a variety of topics such as joint health, weight loss, beauty and skin care for blogs and on-line publication sites. He also loves latest technology, gadgets. You can connect with him on Google+ and Twitter
Don’t forget–today’s the LAST day that the Boost Your Libido course will only be $29! It goes up to $39 tonight at midnight! So if you’ve been thinking about getting it, but you’ve hesitated, today’s the day.
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February 15, 2017
Enthusiastic Sex = Greater Intimacy
Every Wednesday for the last 9 years (oh, my goodness! That’s like 20% of my life!) I’ve been talking about marriage here at this blog. And this week, as we’re getting to the end of the launch period for my Boost Your Libido course, we’ve been looking at sex and getting excited about it again.
A reader recently left this comment:
Just this morning [my husband said to me], “It’s been more intense lately…” As I thought & prayed about his comment, the Lord revealed to me that the reason it has been more intense is because of my renewed enthusiasm for intimacy. I see now that my hesitance & negative attitude effects his level of enjoyment. It holds him back from truly engaging & relishing in the full pleasure of intimacy. A very profound revelation to me.
I know what she means, because I had a similar experience. Here’s what happened:
When I was first married, sex was awful. It hurt, it was awkward, and Keith wanted it all the time. And the more he wanted sex, the more I felt, “You just love me for what I can do for you. You don’t really love me.”
Of course, he didn’t see it that way. To him, the reason that he wanted sex was BECAUSE he loved me and wanted to share it with me.
I spent several years doing everything I could to turn him off. I complained of constant headaches. I exaggerated how stressed I felt. I tried to give him signals that “this isn’t going to happen tonight.”
One day, I realized I was being totally counterproductive. Keith really needed and wanted sex, and I was being silly! So I decided to stress sex more in my marriage.
Around the same time, I read a magazine article by a woman who decided that she was never, ever going to say no to her husband in their marriage. When he wanted sex, she would be there for him.
I was so impressed. And since I’m a Type A competitive personality, I took it as a challenge. If she could do it, I could do it! I decided that whenever Keith wanted sex, I would totally be there for him.
I was so enthusiastic I even started marking the days that we had sex on a calendar.
Then one day Keith came to me and said, “I just feel like we never make love.”
And I was devastated. Didn’t he understand what I was doing?
But that led to a really interesting discovery. Keith didn’t want to be placated. He wanted to be wanted.
Me saying, “you can if you want to tonight, baby!” wasn’t enough. (Okay, it never got quite that bad, but you know what I mean.)
Too often we make it sound like what men really need is sexual release.
Men don't just need sexual release. They need to feel they can please their wives. #marriagetip
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Yes, most men have a more obvious and felt need for sex than we do. But I think we misunderstand what that need really is.
I have seen so many marriage books talk about how guys need sex, and women need to understand that this is a major part of marriage. It turns sex into an obligation! Pastors have preached on having sex for 7 days straight to see what happens, as if it’s quantity alone that matters. I’ve heard the 72-hour rule–you need to have sex every three days so he’ll resist temptation!
(By the way, I hate that approach–that guys need sex or they’ll be tempted. Let’s stop with the boys will be boys message and hold all of us up to a higher standard).
What most men will tell you is that their real need is to feel as if they are pleasing their wife.
Here’s the thing: men can’t have sex unless they’re enthusiastic about it. That’s just the way their anatomy works.
(That’s not to say that sexual assault can’t happen against a man; it totally can since a lot of male response is automatic, and since power also plays a role. Just saying that there is a different dynamic).
Women, on the other hand, can totally have sex even if we don’t want to (or, at least, aren’t that interested).
What we can’t do very easily is enjoy sex unless we want to.
To have a fun time, we have to actually mentally and emotionally get into it. That means, at some level, we have to make a conscious decision that “this is what I want to do and this is something that I want to enjoy with my husband.”
Thus, if a woman is enjoying it, it’s a sign that she has mentally made a decision that she wants to be with her husband.
If she simply has sex, though, there’s no guarantee that she has decided anything.
She hasn’t necessarily opened up her heart.
She hasn’t necessarily decided, “I want to enjoy something with my husband.”
She hasn’t necessarily decided, “I want to be with him.”
She may simply have thought, “I owe him so I better give something to him.” And that’s not sexy to a guy.
Then there’s the fact that through making love, we can experience such passion and abandon together.
When you truly feel passion, you feel out of control. An orgasm is something which literally “carries you along”, almost on a wave. You let yourself go. You have to be able to surrender. For a woman to be that passionate, then, she’s saying, “I have chosen to let down all pretence and all the masks I wear, and I have chosen to let you see the real me, because I want us to feel super close.”
That’s so much more than just having sex.
Why does a man want a woman to be passionate, then?
It isn’t only that he wants great sex (which, of course, is wonderful). It’s also because he wants that closeness that comes from both of you deciding to be completely vulnerable and open with each other, completely focused on each other, and completely giving to one another. It’s true intimacy at every level, not just physical.
Men want passion not because they're sex-crazed, but because they yearn for that intimacy.
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Let me ask an honest question: Does this pressure to have enthusiastic sex make you feel even worse?
Do you read that and think, “Great, so not only do I have to have sex fairly frequently, I have to be this orgasmic or passionate superwoman? How am I supposed to do that?”
I get it. I couldn’t figure it out for a long time, either.
But here’s what I asked myself:
If everyone else is having such a great time with sex, then why would I want to miss out on that? Why wouldn’t I try to figure out what all the fuss is about?
You see, my friends, I’m not trying to get you to feel guilty. I understand what it is to feel like sex really is an obligation, and that it’s a source of tension, and, in a way, that it’s a big rip off.
But I so want you to believe that it doesn’t have to stay that way!
If you’re struggling with understanding how you could ever be enthusiastic about sex, then I created the Boost Your Libido course just for you. Women are complex. All kinds of things go into making us ready to say yes to our husbands, which is why us saying yes enthusiastically means so much to them!
And yet many of us don’t understand what all of those factors are. So when we don’t feel enthusiastic about sex, we assume we never will.
What if you’re wrong? I was. I thought it was hopeless for a long time, until I figured out the role my brain played and taught myself how to think differently. Then I had to learn a whole lot of other lessons about hormones and health. And again, they made all the difference.
You can learn, too. The course is only $29, but the price goes up to $39 on Friday. If you struggle with this, please check it out. The whole reason I’ve been writing this blog for nine years now is because I don’t want people to have to go through what I did in the first few years of my marriage. I want marriages to thrive. And I totally believe that they can–and that you can have great sex, too!
See the Boost Your Libido course here.
Now, let me know in the comments: Have you ever seen sex as an obligation (or do you see it that way now?) How does that affect your enthusiasm for it?
The post Enthusiastic Sex = Greater Intimacy appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
February 14, 2017
10 Ways to Make Sex Feel Great for Your Husband
Romance is in the air–or, if it’s not at your house, maybe you can sprinkle it there!
Because Valentine’s Day lands on a Top 10 Tuesday for my blog, I was debating what I should write about. And then it came to me. Yesterday I was challenging those of us in good marriages not to be THAT wife–that wife who waits for him to sweep her off of her feet, or who waits for him to do just the right thing so she’s not disappointed. I challenged us to make sure our husbands felt loved this Valentine’s Day, too.
Then I remembered something else. I have a lot of posts on this blog on how to make sex feel great for HER (or for you, really!). And it makes sense, because let’s face it: usually, when you’re making love, no matter what you do he ends up satisfied in bed, while often you’re left unsatisfied. So it seems like we women need more help in that department.
But just because he’s often satisfied doesn’t mean that we can’t turn up the notch and make sex feel even better!
So today let’s talk about that–10 tips for making your husband feel satisfied in bed.
Note: this is going to be a technical post. I’m going to say words I don’t say too often on this blog. But I think women want this kind of help, and we certainly don’t want to go to Google for it. So I hope you all understand if I get a little more descriptive today, as I try to help YOU make him feel amazing. I’ll still try to be tasteful!
And I know many single women are here on this blog to learn things about marriage. I’d recommend leaving this post until you are married, because it is very explicit!
Here goes–how to make your husband have a great time in bed:
Christians need a safe place for this info: 10 Ways to Make Sex Feel Awesome for Your Hubby!
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Change positions for different stimulation
In some positions you’ll feel tighter, which will be nice for him. In some he’ll be able to go deeper. In some he’ll be able to feel other parts of you more easily (which he may really like). If, for your own pleasure, you need to be in one position to climax, that’s okay! Just start in a different position, and then switch later. (If you want a fun, non X-rated book on different positions, the Sock Monkey Kama Sutra is hilarious. And it will make you guys laugh. And hey, they’re just sock monkeys).
Now here are two particular positions that can really help:
Put your legs up higher
One of the things that feels amazing as a guy is to be able to thrust in as deeply as possible. In the missionary position, if you put your legs up on his shoulders, this gives him the ability to thrust a lot more. (Please, get comfortable first! And if this hurts, then DON’T do it.) If he’s in more of a kneeling position, you can even just put your legs up around his waist for a similar effect that may be easier to maintain (keeping your legs up that high for that long can sometimes make them fall asleep. 
February 13, 2017
Are You THAT Wife on Valentine’s Day?
I’ve talked about what to do when your husband disappoints you, because I know that’s where so many of my readers are at. You want to have a lovely Valentine’s, and you want to feel cherished, but he rarely buys you any gifts or pays you much attention.
And my heart breaks, and I try to say some things that will help.
But as I’ve been reading over those posts, I’ve realized something: they don’t really apply to me.
Maybe, just maybe, they don’t apply to many of you, either.
So this year I want to talk about something else. Now, if you are a wife whose husband never, ever buys you gifts and never, ever spends time with you, those are probably good ones for you to read!
Posts for When Your Husband Disappoints You
Read these posts instead!
10 Ways to Get Over Valentine’s Day Disappointment
Make Valentine’s Day Celebrate Your Marriage Day
But let me talk to those of you today who are not disappointed wives. You may just be THAT wife.
That wife who is content to be romanced every Valentine’s Day by a truly good guy.
That wife who knows chocolate is coming, so she can relax this year.
But at the same time, that wife whose husband tries so hard to woo her, but never really does quite the right thing to turn her crank. And she wishes so much that he would just tweak his efforts that little bit.
That wife who knows her husband is a really, really good dad and who wouldn’t trade him for the world, but who also finds herself taking him for granted because he’s just so safe.
That wife who knows her husband is never going anywhere, and loves the stability in their lives, but sometimes wishes that their routine wasn’t, well, kinda boring.
That wife who truly loves her husband, but who feels just a tad dissatisfied because much of the excitement is gone.
That wife who has it so incredibly good, but she’s still somehow yearning for more.
But especially, that wife who may wish for more–but who doesn’t do anything about it.
Don’t be THAT wife.
Don't be THAT wife this Valentine's Day. Chase your husband instead!
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If you’re getting a little bored, chances are your husband is, too.
And what I’ve found in my marriage is that sometimes Keith senses there’s something off. Not like we’re about to have a major crisis or anything, but just that we aren’t quite connecting right. But because he’s a guy, he often misdiagnoses the problem, and tries to fix it in the wrong way.
Then I just get more disappointed.
And I’ve learned that’s the wrong response. I’ve learned instead that when I’m feeling too comfortable, or a tad discontent, or just a little bored, I need to take the initiative.
Feeling a tad bored in your marriage? Don't wait for him to do something. Take the initiative!
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What if, this Valentine’s Day, you jumped in the gap?
If you are married to THAT husband–that husband who is faithful, and good, and a hard worker, even if he isn’t always the most romantic and even if he can be a little clueless–then what about treating him this Valentine’s Day like the amazing guy he is?
Instead of waiting for him to get it totally right so that he can sweep you off your feet, why not sweep him off of his?
Doesn’t he deserve it?
THAT guy is a great guy. And he needs to know it.
No, he’s not perfect. Yes, he messes up. But you wouldn’t trade him for anything. And he deserves to know that.
For too many Valentine’s Days in the past I have been THAT wife, the one who is content to let her husband do the work, because we all know that I’m the one who needs to be romanced.
But a while ago I realized that THAT guy needed me to show him how much I appreciated him. And when I did that, things stopped seeming boring, and ordinary, and not quite right.
It’s time for THAT wife to love THAT guy!
Some quick ideas to sweep him off of his feet:
1. YOU be the one to make the dinner reservations.
2. Get the bedroom ready so after dinner there’s going to be a luxurious massage. But this time you’re the one giving it.
3. Take time to choose an awesome card–or better yet, write one yourself.
4. Write him ten things that you first loved about him, or tell him ten steamy memories that you cherish with him, or the 10 things that you are most thankful for about him. Be specific–tell him specific things that he has done that have been amazing. (Like instead of saying, “you’re so kind”, say, “Last year when Grammie was in the hospital and she was rambling on and on, you were so patient with her and so loving, and it made me tear up watching you with her.” (But find racy things to tell him, too!)
5. Prioritize something that he loves. Buy tickets to a sporting event he’s wanted to go to. Invite him to a movie marathon some night in the future watching some action flicks he loves. Show him that you want to have fun on his terms sometimes!
6. Choose an awesome Valentine’s Day gift for your husband.
7. And, finally, bring passion back to your marriage. My Boost Your Libido course launched last week, and I’m so excited about it (if you’ll pardon the double entendre).
If you’re THAT wife, you probably yearn to feel passion again, but you’re not sure how. You know your husband is great, and you want to want him, but it seems like it’s just not happening.
But it can. I take you step-by-step through how libido works, complete with small changes we can make to the way we think and the way we handle our routines that can make all the difference!
Check out the course here. It’s only $29 right now, but the price goes up to $39 on Friday! And when you purchase it now, you’ll also get an invitation to a FREE Q&A webinar I’ll be hosting next week!
Yes! I want to Boost My Libido!
And I’ve put together a way that you can give it to him for Valentine’s Day.
I’m making up some graphics that you can text him, email him, or print out and give to him in his Valentine’s Day Card. I’ve got one ready for the iPhone now, but I’ll have my assistant working on so many different variations all day, so you’ll have plenty to choose from. Here’s one, but you’ll be able to find others right here.
Click here to get graphics to send to your husband to turn Boost Your Libido into a gift! (more coming today!)
(And you can get the full-size, higher res version of that one there, too.)
Are you ready to not be THAT wife tomorrow? For those of us married to truly good guys, let’s make sure they know it. Let’s make sure they feel appreciated and loved. And let’s make sure they feel a little bit chased, too!
Are you guilty of taking your husband a little bit for granted? Let’s talk in the comments!
The post Are You THAT Wife on Valentine’s Day? appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
February 10, 2017
Introducing “Sex Chat for Christian Wives: A Podcast”
And it’s been an exciting week! I launched my new course, Boost Your Libido, and I am astounded by all of you. Thank you for your continuing support, and for enrolling in my course!
To Love, Honor and VacuumFebruary 9, 2017
Why I’m Chasing My Husband this Valentine’s Day
I managed to save my coffee cup, and I managed to avoid hitting my lower back (thank you, God!), but let’s just say that my *ahem* rear end is extremely sore.
Ouch.
Hand Knit Socks + Wooden Stairs + Excitement = Whoops. Thankfully those really ugly thick fleece pyjama pants and the hideous green terry cloth robe broke my fall a bit.
I was on my way downstairs to get on my computer and make everything live (those of you who have already purchased will get an email with your access instructions really soon, I hope! I’ve sent all the info off to the Thinkific people (where the course is launched), but they’re on Pacific Time, so it may take a little bit. But it’s coming!).
And I really am excited about letting all of you see it today.
But the funny thing is that for the last week, as I’ve been getting this course ready, I’ve basically been ignoring my husband. I make it a policy of NEVER working past 5:00. In fact, I usually try to stop work at 4:30 so that I can take a prayer walk, then make dinner, and then the whole evening is just for us. But lately I’ve been so busy that I had to work at night.
Now my husband is quite a romantic and honestly a really good guy. So here I am writing up assignments on how to chase your husband and think good things about your husband and certainly not wear ugly pyjamas like those ones all the time, and it occurs to me two days ago that I really need to practice what I preach.
So I decided that I would take care of Valentine’s Day.
I texted him and said:
“Valentine’s Day is on me this year. Don’t make any plans!”
And then I proceeded to figure out what we’re going to do. Which I can’t explain here because my husband reads my blog.
It’s not anything too big. It’s just that he’s spent so long chasing me, and he does a really great job, and I want to reciprocate this year.
I’m not actually that much of a romantic. I’ve been a little “bah humbug” about Valentine’s Day in the past, because it can seem rather commercial, and we know we love each other, and we go out on dates at other times, so what’s the big deal?
But sometimes we need these reminders that our spouse truly matters, and deserves to still be chased.
I know some of you are married to unromantic guys, and are a little bit pensive about what next Tuesday may, or may not, bring. And others of you are having trouble in your relationship and you don’t feel particular close right now. And then there are so many of you, like me, who have great husbands that we sometimes feel don’t quite get enough of our attention.
You know what? Sometimes everybody needs to be chased.
And we can wait around and hope that he chases us, or we can decide that we want to bring some passion back into our marriages, just because.
Just because we love him.
Just because he’s the father of the people who mean the most in the world to us.
Just because we share such an awesome story with him.
Just because he’s yours.
Just because life is too short to let passion pass us by.
Just because feeling sexy is fun.
Just because.
God meant for us to live passionate lives, where we do throw ourselves into our relationships with all our hearts.
And I know even saying that can make so many of you feel guilty. You want that in your relationship, but you feel like you aren’t able to put that kind of emotional energy in because you’re too busy or too tired or things have just gotten too boring and it doesn’t seem worth it.
But you know life is supposed to be better than this.
I don’t want you to feel guilty. In fact, I want you to feel empowered!
And so can I suggest something? This Valentine’s Day, chase him a little. I’m going to think of all the things that I’d want Keith to do for me, and I’m going to put some thought into how I could translate those things for him, and do what he would find special.
And if you’re sick of feeling guilty over sex, sick of feeling like you’re constantly disappointing him because you don’t want it enough, sick of feeling like it’s an obligation rather than something awesome, sick of feeling like you’re missing out on passion–then you can do something about that today, too.
You really can get over this. You really can learn to anticipate and enjoy sex. You really can experience that passion that everyone else seems to have, but that passes you by.
The Boost Your Libido course that I’ve put together focuses on 10 aspects of a woman’s libido, and how to ramp it up. And each module has specific action steps that you can take that aren’t onerous, but that will help you see immediate results. Small changes done over time reap big rewards.
I’m really happy with this course because I think it’s so practical. And as you watch the videos, you’ll get to see more of me in action, too (and more of my house as well, in case you want to see more than just my coffee table and my handknit socks). And maybe it will make chasing him on Valentine’s Day seem much easier! In fact, later today I’ll be creating some special graphics that you can text, email, or print out to give him on Valentine’s Day that will say, “Here’s what I want to give you: An excited me!” Most of our husbands want that above all else.
Check out the course here.
The Boost Your Libido is course is here! So much fun--just in time for Valentine's Day:
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One blog reader wrote me an email on Tuesday asking if the course came with a Q&A session, and I thought that was a great idea! So here’s why you should buy it now:
On February 17, the price goes from $29 to $39
You’ll get an awesome “gift” that you can give him for Valentine’s Day
And, if you order in the launch period, from now to February 16, you’ll also get an invitation to a FREE Q&A with me, the week after Valentine’s Day.
There is a LOT of material in this course. 10 videos. Assignments & brainstorming exercises for each module that help you identify what your one big issue is in each area, and make a plan to deal with it–plus adding some positive and sexy changes to your routine, too! A 122 page ebook on libido, with all the best stuff I’ve ever written. Extra resources for each module so you can explore each idea to your heart’s content.
And if you do the assignments, you will see change! You work at it at your own pace. Nobody is standing over your shoulder.
And you can start now, before Valentine’s Day! So get it while it’s at such a low price.
And now I’m going to keep planning my Valentine’s Day (and I hope my *ahem* rear feels better by then!)
The post Why I’m Chasing My Husband this Valentine’s Day appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
February 8, 2017
How Do You Practically Improve and Grow a Marriage?
I want to talk to you today about an interesting phenomenon I’ll often see on my blog. I’ll write a post called something like “4 Things You Must Do If Your Husband Uses Porn” where I list four actual steps that you should take if your husband does indeed use porn, and then I’ll get comments–hundreds of them on that post–where many will tell their honestly heartbreaking stories, and then they’ll say, “what should I do?”
And I’m always a little bit confused by that question. Because isn’t that what the post was for? To tell you what I think you should do?
So why is it that people still ask the question?
Many people are searching for a very easy thing that will guarantee a change in their marriage.
And many of the things I suggest aren’t necessarily easy.
But that’s tackling a big problem, like porn. What if there’s a smaller problem? Maybe just something that’s under the surface of your marriage, always there, but not really jeopardizing it. Things like feeling resentment at the fact that he doesn’t put his laundry in the hamper. Or feeling guilty because you know that he wants sex more than you do, and you feel like you disappoint him a lot.
Then how do you change?
I’ve now written 2,460 posts on this blog. Of those, about 520 have been “Wifey Wednesday” posts, or posts on Wednesdays, like this one, that talk specifically about marriage. But the majority of all of the other posts are about marriage, too.
That’s a lot of posts.
And I’ve written books about marriage–four in fact! Seriously, if you ever want information on how to improve your marriage, you’ve come to the right place! You can read about it for hours upon hours and never get to the end.
But can I suggest something?
If reading alone could improve a marriage, then many of my blog readers would have the most awesome marriages on earth!
And I’m sure, actually, that many of my blog readers DO have awesome marriages.
But I’m also willing to bet that those readers who have the awesome marriages didn’t just READ the posts. They actually put them into practice.
Take yesterday’s post, for instance, where I listed 10 things that “increase the cost of sex”, so to speak, analyzing the impediments to sex from an economics point of view (okay, it sounds geeky, but I was SERIOUSLY proud of that post, especially the demand and supply curves I made!). I listed 10 things. It could be that ALL 10 things play a role in making sex more difficult in your marriage. But then I asked you to ONLY pick one thing to change.
That’s what I do always on Top 10 Tuesdays–I throw out a ton of ideas, but then I ask you to pick the one that resonates the most with you, and work on that.
I’ve been watching a lot of TED talks and analyzing how we actually change habits, and over and over again what they’ve found is that making very small changes consistently leads to very big results.
If you want to improve your marriage, then, it is better to tackle something small and try one thing at a time–but actually try it!
To improve a marriage, it's better to make small changes consistently than try a big overhaul.
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This week I’ve been telling you about my Boost Your Libido course that launches tomorrow morning. (So many of you have pre-ordered, and I’ve been blown away. And so encouraged! Thank you!).
A number of people have asked, “does this actually contain any extra information that isn’t in your blog?”
Well, there’s only so much to say about sex, and if you went through all 2,460 posts, and all four of my marriage books, you would, likely, find 90% of the information there.
But here’s why I created this course. I don’t want you to necessarily learn a ton of new stuff (though I really, really hope you do!)
What I really want you to do is to actually put some very small changes into practice.
Each of the lessons is set up to help you identify the one big issue the module has revealed that’s holding you back, and then to find ONE SMALL WAY to change something over the next few days.
That’s where the change actually comes in.
It’s like when Keith and I speak at marriage conferences. We may give a talk for 45 minutes that’s filled with humour and some role-playing and some awesome illustrations and even some really touching moments, but do you know what actually helps couples come away from that weekend with a changed marriage?
Just simply doing the very small projects we have scattered throughout the talks.
Listening to us sets the stage. But doing those small projects, and talking about something important, is what really makes the change.
A couple doing one of the projects scattered throughout our talks–following our conversation prompts and thinking some things through!
So I want to issue you a challenge today. I know that most of you end up on this blog because you’re looking for an answer to a specific question. Maybe it’s a marriage in crisis type question, but maybe it’s just that things don’t feel as fun as they used to, and you want that excitement back again.
And I hope I’ve given you lots of information on how to help improve your marriage!
But if you really want to see change, then you’ve got to do more than understand how change happens. You’ve got to start to actually implement a very small thing (and I’d honestly suggest starting with something small).
How many of us have tons of recipe boards filled with whole foods recipes, and yet we still eat garbage? Or we’ve pinned all kinds of fitness routines, but we’ve never done them?
A woman in a marriage that’s thriving does not necessarily know more about marriage than a woman in a marriage that’s stagnating. She’s simply decided to put more of what she knows into practice.
People in thriving marriages don't necessarily KNOW more than others. They just DO more.
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I’ve decided that over the next year I’m going to focus at creating more “actionable” materials, like courses or my 31 Days to Great Sex book, where you the focus isn’t so much on learning something new but on actually making those small changes. I want to see marriages changed, and what I know in my own life is that too often I chase after information but don’t make the changes I need.
And I’ll keep writing posts that hopefully give you a whole bunch of possible ideas of things to do–but then ask you to focus on just one or two.
Imagine what your marriage could be like if you honestly made some small changes every few weeks? I’m excited by it.
Want to join me?
If one thing that could really make a difference in your marriage is to increase your sex drive, then there should be nothing stopping you!My Boost Your Libido course has 10 modules that build on each other, and if you do the brainstorming exercises and make the small changes suggested after each module, you will see immediate results–even before you work through all 10.
Your marriage CAN change. But you have to decide to “own” the material by acting on it.
If you want to be prodded to put what you know into action, and to learn even more, then get the course today! Today’s your last day to get the special offer with the pre-order before it goes live–31 Days to Great Sex, for free! That’s an awesome Valentine’s Gift.
The post How Do You Practically Improve and Grow a Marriage? appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
