Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 136

10 Things to Share with Your Daughter Before She walks down the aisle

What should you tell your daughter before she walks down the aisle? 

We talk a lot about how to talk to your kids about sex or puberty or dating in high school–but what about when your daughter is about to be married? I got a question the other day from a reader who pointed out that we haven’t talked about that as much on this blog. Here’s what she said:

One thing I would like to see is the importance of communication between daughters and mom before you walk down the isle and how it should it be communicated. When your marriage and sex is new. I didn’t get that from my mom and would love to hear your perspective. I did try to talk to my mom about this and she wasn’t encouraging and I know she was trying.

I thought I’d let my eldest daughter, Rebecca, handle this one! She got married almost two years ago now, so she’s got a fresh perspective on this one!

Here’s Becca!

What things do you need to tell your daughter to set her marriage up for success?

Something that will always continue to amaze me is how few mother-daughter pairs actually talk about marriage before the daughter says “I do.” Sure, they give some pat-answer advice about, “Just make sure you communicate” or “remember to always respect him, dear,” but there’s no real cold, hard, practical advice.

My mom and I don’t really have that problem. We likely have the opposite–we talk too much. Plus, with me working for her now on this website, there’s really nothing that’s off-limits. So when I was looking back on everything we’ve talked about over my relationship with Connor and even into marriage, I compiled the 10 most helpful pieces of advice that I’ve been given about marriage, that I think all daughters should hear from their moms before they walk down the aisle.

Now, a short disclaimer, everything in this list is assuming that there are no major character flaws with the man your daughter is marrying. If your daughter is marrying a man you are really worried about, it’s time to have a different conversation. But if you’re looking for some tips to help your daughter prepare for marriage to a wonderful man, read on!

1. Don’t worry too much about the wedding.

What your daughter needs to know is that if the day is wonderful, if the day is terrible, if the day doesn’t end up happening at all, you have her back. Try to make the wedding-planning as stress-free as possible (that’s an oxymoron if I’ve ever heard one), even if it means just forcing her to go out for ice cream without bringing along her wedding binder once in a while.

Your relationship is about so much more than the wedding, but I’ve seen so many friends’ relationships with their parents fall apart over the wedding because everyone was just so stressed. So do both of you a favour and put things in perspective. Does it really matter if she doesn’t invite those friends of yours from 30 years ago? Does it really matter if she doesn’t get the “right” centerpieces? Don’t cause unnecessary stress about the big day if you want her to be receptive to your advice or your questions about the relationship. By being more laid-back about these things, or just trying to make them fun, you’ll remind her that this day doesn’t need to be as stressful as it could be.

Want to help your daughter start her marriage off right? Check out these 10 bits of advice:Click To Tweet
2. You’re saying “I do” to his past.

Make sure that your daughter has had a real talk with her fiance about his sexual history. Does he have one? Has he watched porn? Has he slept with other women? If so, has he been tested for STDs? Most importantly, has he repented and is seeking healing? Not the greatest conversation to have, I know. But if you haven’t had it yet, now’s the time. Of course, this is a two-way street. If your daughter hasn’t disclosed about her past, now’s the time to talk about that. Don’t wait any longer.

But even more than that, make sure she understands that having a past doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t get married. We live under grace, and that grace extends to every ounce of our being–no matter what. So if they have had those conversations, and they’ve decided to get married, communicate the importance of allowing the past to stay in the past. At some point, you just have to decide to not think about the fact that he’s been with other women, or trust that he’s not watching porn if he’s truly recovered from a porn addiction. Quite frankly, if she isn’t ready to be able to not bring it up as a weapon, I would question whether or not she is ready to get married.

3. The honeymoon stage is a myth for many.

About 5 couples in my friends group got married within 1 year of Connor and me. Only 1 had a real “honeymoon stage.” Only one! 

The other four of us, on the other hand, had at least one spouse in the mix who was extremely anxious that they were never going to be truly happy. If we weren’t happy that early into our marriage, when everything is lovely and wonderful, how could it ever get better?

Well it turns out that for many of us, the beginning of marriage isn’t that lovely and wonderful. It’s stressful. It’s complicated. There’s a lot of paperwork and moving and organizing and housekeeping and long fights and, yes, sex, but for the most part it’s just really hard. Reassure your daughter that if she doesn’t have that “honeymoon stage” there’s nothing wrong with her. It’ll likely just take a few months to kick in, after she’s had some time to adjust. I didn’t enter the honeymoon stage until we had been married for 6 months (and haven’t left it yet!).

4. Treat your in-laws the way you want us to be treated.

Many daughters have wonderful relationships with their mothers. That’s fantastic. But if she’s coming to you complaining about her future in-laws, or generally being disrespectful of them, that needs to be stopped. It’s one thing if she has a major problem with her in-laws and is coming to you for a different perspective, but if you’re allowing her to belittle or act with contempt towards her in-laws, you are enabling sin.

Remind your daughter that her in-laws are her fiance’s parents. Many girls get up in arms when their boyfriends talk badly about their families but are more than willing to say horrible things to their boyfriend about his family without batting an eye. This double-standard is toxic in a marriage.

Are you helping your daughter learn to respect her in-laws? Here's how to help her:Click To Tweet

Instead of enabling unhelpful complaining, teach her ways to bring up issues with her fiance in a more helpful way. And then stop talking to her about it, and if she brings it up tell her to talk to her fiance.

5. You must always choose your husband over us.

Connor and I have a weird dynamic with family–his family is all the way across the country in BC, and my family is just 2 hours away. I’m also part of an extremely over-involved family. I FaceTime with mom every day, practically–even more, now that I work for her.

So a year into our marriage, Connor sat me down and told me, “I just want to make sure that I am your priority before they are.” It wasn’t the most fun conversation, but it was an important one. We set some boundaries about communication with my family, such as I always tell him exciting news first, and as soon as Connor comes home I sign off so we can touch base. Since my family is really close, it took me a while to actually “leave and cleave.” But it’s very important–my family will always be my family, but Connor is my family first.

6. Problems don’t go away when you’re married.

No they definitely do not. Instead, they settle in, take off their shoes, and then invite all their friends over to join the party. Have your daughter and her fiance truly talked about the hard issues? Have they found a mentor couple or accountability group they can go to as these problems rear their ugly heads again? It’s easy to get caught up in “happily ever after” dreamland, but important to remember that you are signing on for “ever after”–sort out these problems now.

Problems don't go away when you get married. Deal with them before you tie the knot!Click To Tweet
7. Talk talk talk about sex.

Many girls are too shy to talk to their husbands about sex. They’re too shy to talk to anyone about sex, really. I would advise, as a mother, not to be the one your daughter relies on for information about sex. Give her The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex (I’m biased, but it really is a great book). But what you should talk to her about is the importance of communication in a marriage. Make sure she knows that it’s perfectly OK to tell her husband what she wants. To discuss what works and what doesn’t in the bedroom. You saying “It’s good to talk about this” can give her that boost of confidence she needs later when she’s married and sex is new.

Learn more about The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex

If your daughter is getting married, you’re engaged, or want to challenge some lies you believe about sex, the Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex is for you. I wrote this book to help women understand how God designed sex in marriage, while giving some practical tips to make it feel great for both of you! For a down-to-earth, Christian approach to sex in marriage, check it out!

8. “The key to a happy marriage is low expectations.”

My mother-in-law actually told me that one, and although it sounds a bit tongue-in-cheek, it’s actually quite true. Nine times out of ten, when Connor and I fight it’s because one of us has imposed undue expectations on the other. Remind her that she’s marrying a flawed human, and if you expect very little, you’ll be blown away by the little things.

Connor’s not all that much of a romantic. He’s done his fair share of grand gestures, but he doesn’t often bring flowers home “just because,” he doesn’t write me love notes to leave around the house. He’s not an “instagram boyfriend.” But he’ll make me breakfast without me asking, and he’ll fold laundry for me when he knows I’m having a bad day. And he looks at me like I’m the most beautiful and interesting person he’s ever seen.

If I expected flowers and love notes, I wouldn’t notice the little things. But our marriage got a lot happier when I started noticing all the sweet little things that he does on a daily basis and stopped focusing on all the relationships my instagram feed.

Is your daughter getting married? Here are 10 things you MUST tell her before she says 'I do':Click To Tweet
9. I think you’re ready.

Getting married is scary. Let your daughter know that you think she’s ready. If you’re married, explain why. Tell her about your marriage journey–the ups, the downs, how you got through it. If you are a single mom, tell her why you think she’s ready–how you’ve seen her grow, your experiences with relationships and why you know that this is going to be a good thing for her. She wants your assurance, and to know that you’re not just saying it because you’re her mom.

10. I’m proud of you, and I’m proud of him.

She wants to know that you are not only happy that she’s getting married, but proud of who she is as a person. Marriage is about so much more than the wedding day–it’s the joining of two lives. Giving her that gift of knowing that you think highly not only of her, but also the man she is choosing to marry is one of the biggest blessings she could receive. So remind her that he is a good man, and that she is a good person, too. Let her know why you are proud of her, and the good qualities you see in him.

And here we are!

What are some things you are grateful your mom told you before you got married? Let me know in the comments below!

The post 10 Things to Share with Your Daughter Before She walks down the aisle appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Reader Question: What Do I Do When My Husband Lies All the Time?

What do you do when your husband lies all the time and never keeps his promises?

Every Monday I like to put up a reader question and take a stab at answering it, and here’s one from a woman in a very difficult marriage.

She writes:

I have been married a year and a half now. My husband lied to me a couple of times before we got married, but he seemed remorseful, and promised to change. However, those once-every-few-month lies turned into every month, then every week, and now multiple per day.

He no longer shows any remorse for deceiving me. He even makes jokes immediately after, or makes fun of me for being hurt by the lies.

He never keeps a promise. He is always telling me he will “do it later”, “won’t do it again”, etc. But, later never comes, and even if he apologizes in that moment, within a few hours the remorse is gone and he is right back to his old habits without a care in the world to the fact that he gave me his “word.” 

Next, he is irresponsible to the point that it endangers our children. I have found our toddler running across our apartment parking lot in the dark (because I left him with my husband so I could go down for a swim). Twice, he has left our toddler in the bathtub and went back to SLEEP. I walked in, after nursing our infant, to find the tub about to overflow, and my husband asleep on the couch. He laughed it off. The next week he did it again. He has totalled 3 cars and gotten car too many speeding tickets as well due to irresponsible behavior (like watching movies and playing on face book while driving). He purposefully wakes our sick infant when she is sleeping, just to get at me for asking him to be quiet (for example: setting the door alarm to shreik when opened, then opening it, then slamming the door hard).

We have been to couples counselling through a Christian service. Every time I try to practice the exercises our instructor gives to us as homework, he makes a mockery of it and of me. For example, the counsellor explained that we should repeat back (in our own words) when the other person said, to be sure we are properly understand them. He will not let me get a whole thought put, stopping me every sentence (even 3 word sentences) to repeat them back to me. If he is not interrupting me every other word, he is repeating back what I say in a very skewed  way, which clearly misses the meaning entirely, and then denying me the chance to try and explain further. 

She also lists other things he does:

He promised he would change his bank account over to the joint account and have his paycheque deposited there; he did not do it and finally admitted he never would.
If she asks him to do housework he deliberately messes it up (putting dishes caked in food back in the cupboards; shoving everyone’s laundry in the wrong people’s bedrooms; kicking over the pile of laundry she has folded).
And many more.

So what should she do?

When You’re Married to a Narcissist: My Thoughts

Be Very, Very Careful Who You Marry

I get detailed emails like this all the time (well, actually my ministry director Tammy gets them and reads through them for me, because I used to do it and I was getting way too depressed. So pray for Tammy!).

And one of the things that quite often strikes me is that this was all so preventable.

I really don’t mean to beat up on this woman, and I know that what I’m about to say won’t help her in particular (though I hope what I say further down will), but I want women to hear this.

Do not marry a man with questionable character. No ifs, ands, or buts.


Do not marry a man with questionable character. No ifs, ands, or buts.Click To Tweet

If you catch him doing something that reveals a character defect, that will not automatically be fixed without a major change of heart and work on God’s part. And that will require some major repentance and evidence of change. That change has to be evident for at least a year, I’d say, before you would even think of getting married.

This guy lied before they married and apologized and seemed remorseful. But most people who apologize in these situations are only sorry that they got caught. To truly be remorseful you have to be willing to change totally on your own. You have to demonstrate a desire to become a better person by taking the initiative to get rid of things that are a stumbling block for you; by surrounding yourself with mentors and people that will help you; by getting rid of people in your life that drag you down; by starting taking church attendance more seriously.

A simple “I’m sorry” won’t cut it.

Do not marry a man simply because you feel like you have to for the kids.

This woman has been married for a year and a half and has a toddler and a baby. That means that she married after she already had a child with him. That’s so, so common, but it’s also a real red flag. Here’s what happens: we slide into marriage instead of deciding to marry. Before the relationship began, if you were asked what you wanted in a husband you’d probably have a list of some pretty important things. But what happens if you become sexually active and have a child? Or what happens if you move in together? You may have sex with someone or move in with someone who doesn’t have all those qualities you wanted in a husband because your threshold for those things is much lower.

So you end up in a big relationship with a guy that you wouldn’t normally have committed to marrying. But now that you’ve been living together, or now that you have kids together, marriage seems like the next logical step.

Be very, very wary. Or better still, don’t move in with someone before marriage and don’t have kids with someone before you’re married, either, and then you wouldn’t get into these situations. (That’s one of the reasons that God wants us to wait for marriage to have sex!)

How Should You Handle a Husband Who Lies and is Self-Absorbed?

This husband appears to be completely self-absorbed and likely narcissistic. Taking this woman at her word, the husband is very negligent of the children’s safety. He is angry if he is challenged. He punishes his wife for asking him to do anything that isn’t what he wants to do.

So what should she do about it?

Not Every Marriage Problem is a Communication Problem

I’m a big believer in marriage counselling in general, but one thing I’ve found is that counsellors often approach problems as if there are two people contributing to the problem. However, in many cases there really is only one. The other spouse may be reacting in counterproductive ways, but the problem really does lie with one spouse.

The “exercises” that the couple is to do, though, are often predicated upon this idea that both spouses want what is best for each other and both spouses want to fix the relationship.

While that is true in the vast majority of cases (seriously, like upwards of 90% of marriages, I’d say), it is not true in all marriages. And in this case, one spouse does not want what is best for them as a couple. One spouse only wants what is best for himself.

In that case, any attempt at building communication will backfire.

Typical marriage counselling isn't effective when one spouse is abusive. Be careful.Click To Tweet
The Children’s Safety Comes First

If you cannot trust your husband to be alone with your children, you have a serious, serious problem. Two things that really scare me here are the bathtub incidents and the driving incidents. He is not a safe driver, and likely should not be trusted with the children or his wife in the car, and he is not safe with the kids in the bathtub.

Honestly, I’m not sure that’s fixable. That is abuse. There is nothing that she can do to encourage him to stop doing this. This is infantile, vindictive, dangerous behaviour, and as a mother, she is responsible for protecting her children from their father.

Document The Safety Violations and the Mockery

I once was speaking to a marriage counsellor who had a client who was claiming that her husband was verbally abusive. The husband was very charming and had convinced the counsellor that the wife was a little unstable and nutty.

The next week the wife described a fight that they had had when the husband was calling her names in a profanity-laced tirade. The husband denied it. Then the wife pulled out her phone and played back the conversation, which she had recorded. The counsellor’s whole perspective changed.

I know another woman who videotaped her husband driving and speeding with the kids in the car in an attempt to intimidate the wife. When that video was shown to the husband’s parents, the parents helped their daughter-in-law move out and get to safety.

If your husband is doing things that others don’t believe, I’d recommend recording it. If he’s denying using porn or chatting or texting with women, take screenshots or pictures. If he drives recklessly, surreptitiously film it (before insisting he let you out of the car, of course). Sometimes even just having the recording can help you feel like you’re not crazy.

Abusive Men (and Abusive Women) Do Not Get Better with Communication Training

They have a character flaw. What they need, as I said is a major encounter with Jesus. That’s unlikely to happen while the wife continues to prop him up and give him power in the relationship.

So reach out and ask for some help to get  you and your children in a safe place. Set some clear boundaries (“I will no longer live in a marriage relationship with someone who lies, belittles me, and endangers our children.”) Insist on seeing some true repentance and change over time before you resume a relationship.

Many women are looking for a magic formula that will make their husbands stop treating them like this. But there is no magic formula when a man has a character flaw. The only thing here to do is to protect yourself and your kids–and to spread the word to other women to not get involved with a guy with a character defect, and to never, ever “slide” into marriage with such a guy, either. You’re only asking for heartache.

I believe in marriage, and I believe the vow matters. However, I also believe that God desperately cares for us and does not want us hurt. In these cases, it is more important to save the people in the marriage than it is to save the marriage.

Have you ever known a woman in a similar relationship, where the husband doesn’t care about safety? What happened? Let’s talk in the comments!

 

 

The post Reader Question: What Do I Do When My Husband Lies All the Time? appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Why It’s OK To Have “Friends for a Season”

Sometimes we make “friends for a season”. And that’s okay.

Every Friday I like to leave you with one thought for the weekend. And today it’s simply this: If you’re lonely, it’s okay to go out and make friends with people that aren’t necessarily kindred spirits. We need each other. Sometimes those relationships aren’t perfect, but they can be a lifesaver anyway.

Sheila’s Musings: Why We Need “Friends for a Season”

When my children were really young we were living in downtown Toronto. I didn’t live close to anyone who went to my church. We lived in an odd neighbourhood, and it wasn’t exactly my natural kind of place. It was just convenient to Keith’s work.

Everybody lived in condos or apartments, and so nobody had a yard. I needed to get out of the apartment everyday, so I ended up attending a playgroup at a local public school. There I met about eight other moms with young kids, and we became friends.

These were not women I would have normally chosen as friends. We didn’t have much in common except our children’s ages. But they were a lifesaver to me. They were only friends for a season; when I moved away I hardly contacted any of them, and I think they knew it would be like that.

They, like me, were just making friends for a season, too.

One was a 19-year-old girl who got pregnant by accident. She met someone else who raised her child as his own, and they had another one together. One was 41 with her first daughter, married to a domineering man ten years older. Another was from Brazil, the wife of a doctor up here on residency training. Another seemed normal, but shortly after I left I heard she had a nervous breakdown and ran off and got temporary amnesia. It was a very eclectic group, but they were a lot of fun!

I think sometimes we need to make the best of what we have.

I don’t think that’s a cop out to say I had fun with these women that I was not too sad to say good-bye to. I always dreamed of finding a kindred spirit, and I have in Belleville where we have put down roots. But in university, in high school, and in that playgroup, I frequently made friends for a season. I needed people to talk to on a regular basis, people to share my frustrations and joys with, but I knew they weren’t people that I would carry with me the rest of my life.

In Belleville we live right next to Trenton, which is home to Canada’s largest air base. I know lots of military people. And frequently they say the same thing. When you’re stationed somewhere for two years, you know you’re going to leave friends behind. So you don’t try to make lasting relationships. You just try to find “filler friends”, who will help you pass the time.

Occasionally you may meet a kindred spirit anyway, and that’s an added bonus.

But sometimes you just don’t. And it’s important to make do with the women God has placed in your path.

I don’t mean to sound snobbish, but I hope you all know what I mean. We women are social. We need friends. But sometimes the perfect friend just isn’t there, especially when you’re living somewhere temporarily. You can’t hibernate, though. You have to get out of the house and reach out to someone. So you find those people that you fit best with, and you make do.

And in the end, you can look back and thank God that He brought them into your life, even if it was only for a season.

What’s #1 at To Love, Honor and Vacuum?

Be a good parent.  Be a good spouse.  Be a good house keeper.  All at the same time.  HOW?  At times it feels like there is so much expected of us and there is no way to do and be everything single thing all at once.  Expectations can be debilitating, but if we take a moment to step back and breathe, nothing is impossible.

#1 Post on the Blog: How Much Money Are You Over-Spending On Groceries?

#1  on the Blog Overall: Top 10 Effects Of Porn On Your Brain, Your Marriage, And Your Sex Life  

#2 from Facebook: Have We Forgotten How To Be A Mommy?

#2 from Pinterest: When You Don’t Want To Make Love

The post Why It’s OK To Have “Friends for a Season” appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Why I Need More Community–and Less Church

I go to church because I desperately need Christian community.

In fact, Hebrews 10:25 tells us exactly that:

Do not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

We’re supposed to meet together so we can encourage each other!

What I’ve been finding lately, though, as my girls have left home and our schedules have gotten crazier with travel, is that church services don’t always give me what I long for. I know I’m going to sound selfish for saying this, and when I wrote the column I’m about to share with you for Faith Today, Canada’s national Christian magazine, it got a lot of flak, specifically from pastors. But I still think it’s largely true. And I hope that I can inspire some discussion about what church should look like in the information age, when the big thing that we’re all really missing and yearning for is connection.

(Full disclaimer: since writing this post I’ve switched churches, and I honestly love the sermons on Sunday morning. But I still wonder if the whole way that we do church services could use an overhaul). 

So I’m prepared that you’ll hate what I’m about to say! But I hope I can spark some discussion anyway, because when the church format hasn’t changed in hundreds of years, while culture has, maybe it’s time we started to ask how we can best “encourage one another”, as Hebrews says?

I don’t think God ever intended that His people be bored for two hours every Sunday morning as proof of their dedication to Him.

Now I love church. I love my community; I love the fact that my daughters have other adults who take an interest in them; I love serving. I just don’t always love church services.

After all, what happens on Sunday mornings in most evangelical churches around the continent?

A pastor talks at you for thirty or forty minutes, a worship team sings for twenty minutes, an elder prays for ten minutes, and there you are, sitting in the pew, hearing your mother’s voice telling you to “just sit still and be quiet”. Meanwhile, all the friends that you are dying to talk to are sitting nearby, but you can’t chat because it’s absolutely imperative that you sing one more chorus of Hosanna.

Then church ends and you rush around, trying to catch up with at least fifteen different people, while your husband pulls on your arm saying, “we really need to go,” and your teenager claims she’s starving. And you leave the church without those heart conversations with your community.

The teaching model of services was quite appropriate in the early church and the Middle Ages–and even in some parts of the world today–when the primary need was for solid doctrine. When people hadn’t grown up in faith and didn’t have access to Scripture, they needed to be taught.

But that model has endured even though our needs have evolved. Today our primary need is not teaching; my Bible app has multiple commentaries at the click of a button.

Information is not in short supply; community is.

In our fast-paced, media-driven world, we crave authenticity and connection, two things that our modern church services really don’t deliver.

The early church didn’t have endless church services; they did life together. Communion wasn’t small cups being passed around while sitting on benches; it was people eating a meal. Of course, there were still boring sermons–Paul once droned on so long that he killed poor Eutychus, who nodded off while sitting in a window and fell to his death (Acts 20:9)–though he was later revived. Being bored in church is nothing new.

However, that doesn’t mean we should just accept it. As I’ve gotten older and my professional life has gotten more hectic, for the first time in my forty-odd years I’ve found it a challenge to get motivated to go to church, and that scares me.

When I led a praise team a few years ago, one of the biggest struggles we had was ensuring that those pesky announcements didn’t eat up too much time and deprive us of singing opportunities. I’ve now changed my mind. I think we need more announcements, not fewer. I want to know what’s going on in people’s lives far more than I want to sing another chorus. Two weeks ago a woman in my church spontaneously asked the pastor if she could share about a victory in her life, and she did so. I don’t know her well, but it was so encouraging to all of us to hear her story. Isn’t fellowship part of worship, too?

I’d love to do more rejoicing with those who rejoice and weeping with those who weep on a Sunday morning.

I’d love to pray in small groups in the service for the illnesses and struggles people are facing. I’d love to have the preacher speak for fifteen minutes, introduce a discussion topic, and then talk about it in the pews. I’d love to listen to evangelism tips from some of our members who are so effective. I’d love to hear from some of our young people as they struggle with what they want to do with their lives, so we can pray for them and encourage them. I’d love to read more Scripture as a congregation, pray more as a congregation, and hear more stories about what God is doing in individual lives. I’d love to feel like I had connected.

I don’t need polished. I don’t need professional music, or lovely carpets, or multimedia presentations. I don’t even need an excellent sermon. I need community, and with my ridiculous schedule and my husband’s ridiculous schedule, we can’t get it in a regular small group. So Sunday morning at 10:30 is all I’ve got.

I’m pretty sure almost everyone feels the same way–we’re just afraid to say it because it feels heretical. But I think we need to start talking about how we do church, because we’re not just losing numbers, we’re losing connection. And community was meant to be so much more.

 What do you think? Do our churches lend themselves to community? Let’s talk!

The post Why I Need More Community–and Less Church appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

What If God Really Meant For Us to Have Freedom in the Bedroom?

When it comes to sex, do you see God’s commands as being about making you do something you don’t want to do?

I think that’s often the way we see things like 1 Corinthians 7:3-5–the “do not deprive each other” passage. That’s certainly the way that it’s often framed, when it’s turned into “obligation sex”. God made us so that we would need sex fairly frequently (especially men!). And so we’re not to deprive each other, and we’re to make sure we stop each other from feeling temptation.

Isn’t that rather, well, defeating?

You can see evidence of that line of thinking in the comments on this post, which got really sad. People were using those verses to mean that you could never say no to your husband.

I’ve written before that I think 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 was never written to be about obligation sex, but instead to be about mutual sex. The big thing you’ll notice about those verses is that it’s equal–it’s not written to coerce or pressure a woman into doing anything. It assumes that sex will be a mutual experience, which is actually really cool.

3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

I won’t rehash that argument, because I wrote a 3-piece series on it already!

But a while ago an Australian reader sent me another interpretation, which I found really interesting. And I wanted to run it today. She writes:

Recently I went to the Scriptures in a totally new way, in particular devouring the Old Testament.

In the law I now saw picture after picture of God’s character and of course prophetically of Jesus… but also, restriction after restriction, including restrictions that affected peoples sex lives… often to do with purification times – days of abstinence and waiting.

After a couple of years reading the OT almost exclusively, I wandered back into the New Testament and saw something brand new in 1 Corinthians 7:5… something that I’m cautious about expressing in case I’m totally wrong BUUUUT – what if, what IF those words about not withholding ourselves from each other were to do with the putting away of the Law?! What IF they were to grant a brand new FREEDOM?!! What if they were saying – “go for it – there are no more restrictions on the basis of the law”!? What if it was NEVER meant to become the source of misery and condemnation (usually on women) in the form of something VERY LIKE another LAW?! What if those words are meant to be a release to freedom instead of something so often held over as a rule?

Here’s what she’s arguing:

The Old Testament was full of rules about when you could and couldn’t make love, and about purification rituals you’d have to perform after your period, or childbirth, or weird emissions, or anything like that. It made sex seem rare and burdensome.

Think about it: the Jews in the Old Testament were very used to thinking:

I can’t have sex:

For seven days around the wife’s period
On the Sabbath (since after sex you were unclean until the following evening and thus would be prohibited from worship)
During some times of national purification
For a long time after the birth of a child
After any abnormal discharge or any strange skin condition

And many more! In fact, there were so many regulations that abstaining from sex for a time would have been a common occurrence.

We’re not really used to that in the same way at all. We don’t tend to abstain for spiritual reasons but instead for practical reasons or health reasons.

The Jews would have been used to thinking of sex as separate from holiness and worship of God.

But then Paul writes this amazing passage in 1 Corinthians 7, where he says, “do not deprive each other except for a time and by mutual consent…” No more rules! No more feeling like sex isn’t a part of a holy life. No more feeling like the less we have sex, the more we’re worshipping God.

Instead, sex is supposed to be a healthy part of the Christian life. God is saying, “Go for it!”

Certainly we can refrain because we’re going to choose to fast for a time in prayer, and that’s a good thing. But it’s a decision we make together; it’s not something imposed upon us because we’re somehow unclean.

When we make the “do not deprive” passage into a new kind of law, then, we miss the whole point.

It isn’t about pressuring women to perform. It’s about experiencing real freedom in the bedroom, in a mutual relationship.

That’s really cool! I thought this Australian reader’s comparison between the Old Testament and Paul’s new proclamations were really interesting, and I hope you find them that way, too!

Want more freedom in the bedroom?

Maybe you’d like to experience that kind of abandon and freedom, but sex still feels like an obligation.

I created my Boost Your Libido course just for you! I know what it’s like to feel like, “I know I have to do this to keep my husband happy, but I’d rather just have some time to myself!”

But I know what it is to get to the other side and truly long to make love, too. You can get there! Check it out here.

Let me know: Do you struggle with seeing the Bible as something that pressures you in the bedroom, or frees you in the bedroom? Let’s talk about it in the comments!

Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!


Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually.

If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.

The post What If God Really Meant For Us to Have Freedom in the Bedroom? appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

8 Things Fairytales Teach Us About Growing Great Marriages

I kind of give fairytales a hard time.

I’m adamant that we shouldn’t fill our heads with stuff that will give us unrealistic expectations about marriage. And very few men can live up to the image that fairytales have of the perfect husband!

In fact, I posted on Saturday about Harlequin’s new advertising video about going bowling with a Viking. They’re actually bragging that their books are totally unrealistic–and that’s the appeal! It’s an escape so that you can imagine a man that your husband will never be.

That’s seriously dangerous!

And yet I gave birth to one daughter in particular who loves fairytale romances. And I know she’s not alone. Many of us have daughters who dream to be the princess–or maybe we dreamed that ourselves! And so when Melody Quinn sent me this article about the GOOD things she learned from fairytales, I thought it was worth sharing. Maybe I’ve been too hard on Prince Charming. And maybe, if we get the right perspective, then we can learn to talk about fairytales in healthy ways with our daughters, too!

Here’s Melody:

My childhood was filled with Disney movies and fairy tales.

I read and re-read books full of original and modern fairy tales. I watched every Disney movie a hundred times, and still watch them to the annoyance of my husband. I used to attend dances and banquets with my imaginary prince. My childhood room was plastered with Disney posters. (That was my own choice, my mother likes to remind me.) I was hooked on tales of princesses and princes at a young age.

People used to tell me that I needed to be careful. If I kept filling my head full of fairy tales, I would be seriously disappointed with real life relationships. There are no Prince Charmings in real life. I must have heard that phrase over and over. I know that. In fact, that was part of my wedding vows: Honey, you’re no Prince Charming, but that’s alright, because I’m no princess. 

I don’t regret that my head has been filled with fairy tales.

I would change nothing about that. My love of fairy tales didn’t damage my view on my very human, very non-“and-the-prince-and-princess-lived-happily-ever-after” marriage. Even I was a little surprised that I had no expectations about having a fairy tale marriage. I was, however, slightly disappointed in the dating process. I wasn’t expecting to be swept off my feet, but I was a little disappointed that there wasn’t that

“connection-at-first-sight” moment. I had to struggle to get to known my future husband, but it was, and still is, worth every minute of that struggle.

No, my views on marriage weren’t damaged. If anything, I think that the fairy tale relationships that I read about and watched in the movie theater actually made my views on real life relationships healthier. As I’ve grown older, I’ve come to realize that the happily ever after that I had been dreaming about is not possible here on this earth. It will only come to pass when the Lord takes me to be with him. The relationship that I’ve built with my husband isn’t based on a happily ever after view of life, but that doesn’t mean that it isn’t the stuff of fairy tales.

Here are a few things that I learned about marriage from the Disney fairy tales that filled my youth.

1. Create a new life together.

I’m putting this one first because it’s actually a very important concept. Women in fairy-tales are usually depicted as cleaving to their men. Some people don’t like to image a woman giving up her old life for her love. I’m actually fine with that, because I was able to fill in the blanks. “That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24 NIV).  I left my old life behind; my husband did the same. Together we’ve created a new home. That’s how it’s really supposed to be, isn’t it?

2. Together forever.

Something else that I learned from Disney movies that I think is falling by the wayside in today’s society is the idea that marriage is forever. I don’t mean the “happily ever after” that’s tagged on the end of every Disney movie. I mean the idea that marriage is sacred. Married couples are going to have differences and fight. The point of marriage is to stand together and confront that together.

3. Overlook the outside.

My favorite fairy tale of all time is Beauty and the Beast. And what is the whole point behind the tale? Not everyone is as they seem on the outside. This has a double meaning. As a married couple, my husband and I have gotten to know each other in ways that other people haven’t. We would never have gotten to this point if we weren’t willing to overlook the flaws that rested on the outside of who we are and dug deeper to find out who we really are. On a daily basis, we are called to turn a blind eye to the little imperfections that we’ve discovered and choose love and understanding instead. We should strive to see each other as the Lord sees us: “The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart” (1 Samuel 16:7 NIV.)

8 lessons fairy-tales teach about marriage:Click To Tweet
4. Work and serve together.

When a married couple stands together, they stand as equals. Even when it seems like you’re a princess looking at a frog. As unique individuals, they have different strengths and weaknesses. They won’t always have the same calling, but that shouldn’t stop them from working side by side. Embrace your differences, but keep looking for ways that they compliment your spouse’s. By working together to obtain a common goal, their relationship is strengthened.

5. Sing every day.

I would love to dance around and sing to Disney songs with my husband every night, but that just doesn’t happen. What I’ve gathered from watching fairy tale couples sing with each other is that couples don’t only need to work together–they need to play together as well! My husband and I both enjoy reading, playing board games, and swing dancing. We take every opportunity that we can to have fun together. After all, the couple that plays together stays together.

6. Don’t end the story in a fight.

In other words, don’t go to bed or leave for a trip with unresolved anger and hurt hanging over your head. I know from firsthand experience that this can be a hard lesson for newlyweds to learn. However, dealing with fights upfront will make you stronger. Fights with your spouse can push you further apart or pull you together. Be careful with your words. You can’t take them back, and you can never be guaranteed a chance to apologize another day.

What Disney taught one wife about marriage:Click To Tweet
7. Not everything is about you.

I love fairy tales that really show a dynamic between two characters. Without each other, they can’t make it  through the day. Focusing on yourself can ruin everything. You need to learn to put someone else first. I feel that it’s almost important to mention that not everything is about your relationship. Just like a good story has to involve different aspects of a character’s life, not just their relationship, you need to have a life outside of your spouse. If you are able to stand strong on your own, then you will be able to stand stronger together.

If you are able to stand strong on your own, then you will be able to stand stronger together.Click To Tweet
8. It’s not all sunshine and daises.

There is always that one moment in a Disney movie when everything seems like it’s loss. Regrettably, that feeling occurs often in life. That doesn’t mean that you should throw in the towel or go on by yourself. The only thing that is going to make your married life stronger than your life before you got married is that you are no longer alone. “Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves” (Ecclesiastes 4:12 NIV).

So fairy tales and happily ever afters don’t exist in the real world. That doesn’t meant that you should discount fairy tale relationships entirely. My head may be full of Disney songs, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t be happy here with my dear hubby. And that goes double for you!

What are your favorite life lessons you learned from stories or fairy-tales growing up? Let’s chat about it in the comments! 

The post 8 Things Fairytales Teach Us About Growing Great Marriages appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

How Much Money Are You Over-Spending on Groceries?

How much money do you spend on groceries every week?

If you’re like most families, it’s far more than you should.

I know that on Mondays I usually post a reader question, but today I really want to talk about money, because I’ve seen firsthand among some friends recently that money is one of the biggest causes of marital tension. If we could get a better handle on our money, the chaos in our lives would diminish considerably, as would the friction.

So today I’d like to talk about how we can save money on one of the items in our budget that’s the most malleable–the one where people tend to spend the biggest range, from hardly anything to the moon.

It’s in the grocery area of our budget where there’s the most room to tighten things up and get smart!

Keith and I are in Texas with our RV right now, getting ready to drive it back to Ontario after a few speaking trips we’ve had down south this year. And while we’re together in the RV we often go on a Dave Ramsey binge, listening to Dave’s YouTube videos and YouTube rants and talking about money. (Dave Ramsey is the awesome founder of Financial Peace University!).

A few weeks ago I was talking to my married daughter about how much she spends on groceries, and she and her husband are trying to keep it to $25 a week each. And they’re managing to do it! And they eat no packaged foods, only real food. My other daughter tries to get by on $35 a week.

Keith and I spend more, but we have more disposable income. And I’m super proud that they’re managing their money so well!

Recently I got in a conversation with a good friend, though, who spends $250 a week for her family of five. I wondered, “What would Dave say?” I looked up his ratio, and he suggests spending between 5-12% of your income on groceries. So a family that makes $40,000 a year should be spending $170-$400 a month on groceries. Yikes! That’s hardly anything.

So I started to wonder, could you actually do it?

And if a mom could–if you could take your grocery budget from $1000 a month to $400 a month (or lower), how could that change your life?

I’m a big believer that stay-at-home moms can earn an income–not by getting a job outside the home necessarily, but just by spending a lot of time researching how to save money and how to get the best deals on things. Think about this:

If you’re a stay-at-home mom and you can bring your grocery budget from $1000 a month to $400 a month, you’ve now earned an income of $600.

How would that feel?

And if you work outside the home, if you could take your grocery budget from $1000 to $400, that would be like getting a $600/month raise! That’s like earning $7200 more a year!

But is it even realistic?

And could you do it without eating crap?

My blogging friend Tiffany from Don’t Waste the Crumbs has a new course out called the Grocery Budget Bootcamp, where you learn the best ways to save money in the grocery store. I got a hold of it and perused the whole thing yesterday (and I’m going back to do the worksheets over the next little while, too!). But it is awesome. And she makes me feel like cutting the budget like that may not be so unrealistic after all!

Best of all, Tiffany is a big believer in real food. A few years ago her husband asked her if they could start eating real vegetables instead of canned ones. Tiffany had been a big couponer, and so they had concentrated their food budget at canned things. When she decided to start buying fresh produce and quality meats, she found that her grocery budget didn’t actually change. She ditched the coupons, got smarter and bought things that were actually important!

Full disclosure: I’m an affiliate for Tiffany’s course, but I really believe in it. And I want to share with you what she has to say.

When you think of tips to lower your grocery bill, you probably think of some important tips:

Meal plan
Shop with a plan
Buy in bulk when possible–but only stuff you actually use!
Stay away from store brands
Couponing

These are all key, and Tiffany certainly mentions them (though she tells why our ideas of meal planning are often wrong!). But her tips go much further than this into helping us dissect where our grocery money actually goes, and where we can get the most bang for our buck, so to speak, in cutting that bill.

For instance, she teaches:

The 80/20 rule: 80% of your grocery budget will tend to go towards 20% of the things that you buy. So finding ways to save on those 20% is way better than trying to save on the 80%!
The 40% rule: 40% of our food gets wasted. So what can you do to stop wasting food? And can you use the stuff you normally throw out?
Why traditional meal planning often backfires–and costs you more than it should (and she shows how to backwards meal plan and SAVE!)
Why you should focus on foods that your family actually likes
How to handle the grocery store like a boss (including what sales are worth watching for, and what ones are worth ignoring)
The best substitutions you can make, to avoid buying things you’d only use a tiny bit of
How to create a price book–and why you should!
And so much more.

Tiffany really believes her goal is to change lives. And if people can cut their grocery bill in half–think of how fast they could make a dent at paying down dent!

When you buy the Budget toolkit, you get access to the 13 lessons for 12 months, plus a 250 page PDF workbook, and tons of worksheets! It’s all online (so you can watch it any time, anywhere!)

You can also upgrade to a program with a Facebook group, lifetime access, extra videos, and more! The VIP package includes lifetime access (not just one year), and a ton of extra videos (which I watched yesterday!), including:

Should you pay with cash
Budgeting for bulk purchases
What not to buy at the grocery store
Why keep a stocked pantry
Grocery sales to ignore
What to include in a real food pantry
Shopping with food allergies
How to eat less meat
How to be a smart shopper
How to stockpile produce
Stretching meat at home

The Grocery Budget Bootcamp isn’t a quick fix. You have to do the work. You have to analyze what’s in your pantry, see your spending habits, look at what eats up most of your budget, and adjust. But when you do that work, it pays off. Big time.

She even deals with pesky problems like food allergies or picky eaters. You can still buy good quality food that satisfies everyone–for far less than you are likely paying now.

And it really does work! Jamie is on the GAPS diet (no grains, no fruit, no lactose, because of food intolerances), and her husband is on it too because it helps his ADHD. They were spending $850 a month on groceries before taking this course. Now, she says:

I got our budget down to $550. I’m actually finding that I can do even better and I believe I can shave our budget down to $400-$450. This is buying pastured eggs and meats and 90% organic veggies and fruits! If I can slash our budget in half while doing GAPS (most people claim it’s a very expensive way of eating) I believe anyone can, special diets or not.

And mom Rebecca from Ohio says:

I spent over $1000 December, $555 in January and just $330 in February. At this rate, I’m saving $738 every month!

That’s great!

So let me ask you: How much money are you throwing away every month in your grocery budget? And what would happen to your family if you could cut your grocery bill in half?

Honestly, I’m tired of seeing couples’ marriages fall apart because of stress, and so much of that stress is due to money. Too many people don’t have a handle on how much they’re spending, and don’t see a way out of huge bills. But what if there were a better way? What if you could feel empowered when you shop, instead of feeling discouraged like every week you’re getting further and further behind?

I heartily endorse The Grocery Budget Bootcamp. It was created by a mom just like all of you who simply wanted to get out of debt while still eating healthy food. She knows what it’s like to have kids not like what you prepare. She knows what it’s like to be rushing around so much one day that you realize you don’t have time to cook dinner. She knows what it’s like to have all your best laid plans fall apart because of emergencies.

She’s just like you. And she wants to help YOU find major savings and take control of your budget, too.

The Grocery Budget Bootcamp is only available until Tuesday at midnight PST. It doesn’t go on sale very often, so if you’re thinking of getting it, don’t procrastinate!

Laura from Illinois said:

In just two months, I’ve trimmed my grocery budget by 43%! This course is worth the investment… I’ve saved nearly 10 times what I paid before the course was even over!

I just want couples to stop having needless stress. I want us to put our money on important things, not throw it away. I want families to get ahead! And I think this is a simple way where women can make a HUGE difference in their families. So check it out!

And share with us: What’s your biggest challenge in keeping your grocery bill down? Do you waste a lot of food? Let’s talk in the comments!

The post How Much Money Are You Over-Spending on Groceries? appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Why Loving Someone is Not a Burden

Is being in a marriage where you owe someone something really such a bad thing?

Every Friday I like to leave you with one thought to take you through the weekend. Today I thought I’d take a step backwards for a minute and examine a cultural trend that I see that proclaims that everyone should have the freedom to do what they want.

Is that really such a great thing?

Sheila’s Musings: Loving Someone is Not a Burden

Many of us long to live in a world where we shouldn’t have to do anything for anyone else. We set the course for our own lives; we decide what paths we will take; and nobody should have the power to derail our dreams. Freedom is our rallying cry!

What I can’t figure out, though, is why freedom is so great. So many of us are so busy proclaiming our autonomy, saying “you can’t make me do this,” that I wonder if we’ve ever stopped to question whether being beholden to someone is actually such a bad thing.

Modern day feminists, for instance, cry that no man should be able to tell a woman what to do, and that no woman should twist herself in knots to get or keep a man. Instead, she should seek to fulfill her dreams, and any guy who wants to tag along had better adapt.

Yet speaking as a woman who is greatly in love with a certain man, I have to wonder why it’s so bad to want to please him? What’s wrong with wanting to make the house nice for him to come home to after he’s been on call for thirty-six hours straight and he’s exhausted? What’s wrong with doing his laundry? After all, he gives great foot massages, and he contributes more of the income! But even if he didn’t, isn’t it nice, sometimes, to have someone to fuss over?

I don’t do these things because I have to; I do them because I want to. I know some would call me an oppressed wife, but I don’t think those people have ever really experienced the joy of a give-and-take relationship. Besides, he cleans off the car for me, takes out the garbage, and figures out how my Bluetooth device works. It’s a two-way street.

It’s not only feminists telling women that they should never change for men, though; a new cohort of young men has concluded that they don’t need relationships, either. One night stands might be fine, but commitment is out of the picture. In fact, one man in a very open relationship once reported to me that he was as happy as he could imagine; neither of them made any demands on the other, and because of that the relationship was perfect.

Five years later that relationship is long gone, and I often wonder if ultimately they would have been happier if they had made demands on each other—demands that they stay faithful, do things together, be nice to one another, forge a life together instead of just side by side.

When we focus our lives solely on what we want life becomes rather shallow and awfully erratic. We can never achieve real intimacy with anybody, whether friend or significant other, for when we don’t make or accept demands, nothing can be permanent. And if nothing is permanent, we can’t be vulnerable. We can’t really open up. Sure, you may be able to pursue surface things, but what about our deepest needs to be accepted, loved, affirmed, and cherished? Without vulnerability and transparency, which can only come when we do make demands on each other, real intimacy can’t be achieved.

Loving someone isn’t a burden; it’s a privilege.

Sometimes we should do things we don’t really want to do. Sometimes we should let someone else set the course. True love, after all, whether it’s with a sibling, a spouse, a child, or a friend, is so much better than autonomy. And, in the end, it’s far less lonely.

 

What’s #1 at To Love, Honor and Vacuum?

It’s important to keep your sex life healthy in your marriage.  This week’s top posts have some great information and points on how to accomplish this goal!

#1 Post on the Blog: 10 Things That Surprised Us As Christian Sex Bloggers

#1  on the Blog Overall: Top 10 Effects Of Porn On Your Brain, Your Marriage, And Your Sex Life  

#2 from Facebook: How To Keep A Healthy Sex Life With Teens In The House

#4 from Pinterest: Experiencing Spiritual Intimacy While You Make Love

I’m in Texas Right Now…

I spoke at Bethany Lutheran in Austin last night, and now Keith and I are heading down to South Padre Island to do some birdwatching before driving our RV back home to Ontario for Easter!

If you’re signed up to my weekly newsletter, this week you’ll be getting a behind-the-scenes look at what’s happening in my family. Plus, of course, all the best of the blog for the week! I’d love to have you on board.

The post Why Loving Someone is Not a Burden appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

The Slippery Slope of Selfie Obsession

 Is your teen addicted to selfies? 

It seems like a weird question, doesn’t it? But it’s a real issue–more and more, teenagers are becoming obsessed with having the perfect online image, and it can seriously impact their quality of life. Before the smartphone age, kids were allowed to grow up with relative privacy. Not so much anymore–kids have every moment captured online. They post their good moments, other people post their bad ones.

So how do you handle a kid with a selfie or social media obsession? Jana Rooheart is here today to share some ideas with you. She gives some great insight as to why kids becoming part of the “selfie trend,” and how you as a parent can help your teen!

Without further ado, here’s Jana! (Plus, there’s a video from my daughter at the end on the same topic!)

I won’t pretend that I am merely an observer of the trend. I was taking selfies long before it became mainstream. No, really. I used to make self-portraits with my dad’s 35 mm film camera and a self-timer.

My father has always been a photo enthusiast (and back in the 70s – 80s, who wasn’t’?), and I believe I got it from him. I’ve always loved photography and, I daresay, been reasonably good at it. Thanks to my skill the entire family had loads of nice shots from holidays, birthdays, and other occasions. Except me. For the most time, I was on the wrong side of the shutter. So I took the matter into my own hands by taking selfies – quite a challenge without a front camera, but I managed.

What is going on with the selfie trend?

Therefore, when selfies boomed some five years ago, I didn’t think it was weird, wrong, or necessarily narcissistic. Although I struggled my way through the pretty much annoying “duck-face” trend (again, who didn’t?).

Taking selfies isn’t inherently bad. I take a snap to refresh my social profile pictures occasionally. The desire to make pictures of oneself is not necessarily a sign of megalomania that the “Me-Me-Me generation” is often accused of. In fact, we didn’t even invent selfies. Albrecht Dürer was a king of selfies five centuries before the arrival of camera phones. In fact, some argue it stems from the deepest need to be seen, a need all human beings share.

What makes me worry, however, is how children may become obsessed with it.

Young people are always more passionate about any fad, but teens are taking things too seriously and can eventually harm themselves. They risk their lives to strike a pose in a dangerous environment like roofs or rails. They neglect decency and make a risqué photo ruining their reputation. They stoop to such obscene things as taking “funeral selfies” with their deceased relatives and “hobo selfies” with homeless people on the street. They skip school and withdraw from their friends only to take more pictures of themselves. Sounds too insane to be true? Unfortunately, this was definitely true for 19-year-old Danny Bowman, who attempted suicide, because he could not make “a perfect selfie”. He devoted an average ten hours a day to make about two hundred (!) selfies, none of which were up to his standard.

If all those children obviously need our guidance and help, why don’t they get any? First and foremost, any obsession starts with small things that are hard to recognize. First signs of trouble might not manifest themselves explicitly.

Second, in a world where Instagram and Snapchat are the most popular means of communication, who would say something is wrong when a teen tries to master an art of a perfect self-portrait? Selfies have their own ramified typology; celebrities publish books composed entirely from their “belfies” and “helfies” (that is from the photos focused on their posteriors or hairdos). We do live in a selfie-culture, where liberty of self-expression is one of the highest values and no one identifies as a member of a group anymore.

Is your kid addicted to selfies/social media? Read this:Click To Tweet
Down the rabbit hole

Cameras in our phones are nothing but the tools of creativity. With their help, we communicate with the world. It is our message that is important. It reveals the truth about us and our heart’s desires. A girl taking a selfie with her favorite book seeks to find like-minded people and start a discussion. A boy runs a marathon and snaps his pedometer readings – he is highlighting his achievement encouraging others. We make funny selfies just as we make jokes – so others would laugh with us. We take flattering snaps of our reflection to convince everyone (and too often, to convince ourselves) that we are looking good today. A little self-esteem boost to bring a pep in our step – why not?

However, if we have a problem, a dark camera-lens may become an entrance to a rabbit hole of trouble. This self-centered way of having fun and communicating with others affects two risk groups of young people: those with narcissistic tendencies and those with a low self-esteem.

Selfie culture may seem tame, but it can hurt teens with narcissistic traits & low self-esteem. Click To Tweet

Recently, I had a chance to explore a photographic app described as “optimized for selfies”. There was a set of “Beauty” filters that included dedicated tools for making your eyes bigger, making your hips fuller, your waist slimmer, and your nose smaller. With a package like this, no wonder young people get an idea that something is wrong with them, that they are “not perfect”. It all ends up in body dysmorphic disorders that are on the rise among youth (especially young girls).

Fighting the obsession

Selfie obsession is but a symptom. When taking pictures becomes compulsive, it points to some underlying problem. Some people will be vain and inventive as to the ways of showing it – with or without smartphones. Some people will be lonely and attention-seeking. Some will be insecure. Some – hyperactive and chatty. Smartphones, however, escalate the problem by indulging our every whim and vice. How will you keep children and young adults from sliding down the slippery slope of this obsession?

First, identify the initial problem that you will address and heal. From there you will derive your strategy. If your child thinks, he or she is not popular, look into that: is there bullying involved? Is it some kind of identity crisis? Then a good idea would be to find some new environment where your teen could meet more diverse crowd – summer camps, hobby groups, music lessons. Again, some non-digital entertainment will only work for you.
Then, work with the symptoms. Negotiate a reasonable number of photos a day and ask your child to stay within the limit. It will teach her moderation and self-restraint. There are, of course, some extreme cases when you have to wean your child from the smartphone altogether, but I’d say it’s a drastic measure. Aim for the golden medium instead.
Taking selfies is half the trouble. Posting them is quite a different issue. Your teen must understand the boundaries you have in your family, and weigh the potential consequences. It won’t hurt if you learn how to monitor a smartphone or an iPad (whatever your child prefers for making and sharing snaps). This way you will be able to keep a track of what she posts online, whereas she will be more careful and responsible, knowing you are watching.
Make it your family policy never posting a photo that includes other people without their explicit permission. I mean not only family members and friends. I also mean all those homeless people in the streets, strangers who wear clothes you may find weird, classmates who fall asleep behind you, and others. Your child must understand that taking selfies to make fun of others is self-aggrandizement. Also, it is simply mean.



If your teen is addicted to selfies, it's time to help them turn off the camera. Here's how:Click To Tweet

It is up to you to assess the scope of the problem. After all, maybe selfies are not a problem for your family whatsoever. A couple of months ago my husband and I finally got a selfie-stick. Now we can take snapshots of us together, which will turn our selfies into pairfies – and with our friends, even into groupies. Now, isn’t that wonderful?

[image error]



Jana Rooheart is an online safety expert and a blogger passionate about technology. She is happily married and living with her husband and their beautiful daughter in Kansas City.

Thanks, Jana! My daughter also made a video on this topic, and if this is a problem for your kids (or if they just want a good laugh), you can share it with them!

The post The Slippery Slope of Selfie Obsession appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

I Do (Take Two)–When God Gives the Gift of a Second Marriage

How do you recover after the heartbreak of a divorce? 

Today I’m happy to introduce Lauren McKinley, the founder of Her Soul Repair, who is telling her story of healing after her husband’s affair and her divorce. She has such an amazing testimony of God’s healing.

I’m actually back in my RV down in Austin, Texas (It’s 80 degrees here with a nice breeze! I am SOOOOO happy!), getting ready to speak tomorrow afternoon. So I’ve lined up some awesome writers to share with you as I get settled in down here again.

Here’s Lauren:

For those of you who’ve followed me for awhile, you know the nitty gritty of my story and where I stand present day. If we have not yet connected, hello and thank you for reading! For my full story, head on over to amazon and give my book a read! As for now, I will give you a brief synopsis so you can have some background on just how I have the insight to share what you’re about to read.

At the start of 2013, the unthinkable happened to my picture-perfect marriage and family. On paper (and from where I stood) we had it all. The love, the kiddo, the faith, the fun, annnnnd … turns out, the affair. Well, didn’t see that coming! With any hardship that comes your way in marriage, one must decide, will you fight or will you give up? For us, I decided to fight and he decided to give up. And after two and a half years of on my knees prayer and pleading for restoration, our divorce was final.

Finding healing after heartbreak

As harsh as the divorce was, God always, always gave me the steadfast reminder that this was, in fact, HIS will. We all know that divorce is not how God intends marriage. At the same time, He didn’t intend it to be an emotionally abusive relationship with an affair and double life. My encouragement for those of you in that time of limbo is to pray from the depths of your heart to “let Thy will be done.” There’s nothing easy or smooth about divorce, but sometimes it IS the Lord’s way. Saint Therese of Lisieux says it all, “Perfection consists in doing His will, in being what He wants us to be.”

God doesn't want divorce. But he also doesn't want marriage to be emotional abuse and affairs.Click To Tweet

During the two and a half years of fighting, praying, and healing there was a lot God did to restore my heart. The support I had from family and friends was huge in the blow of divorce not destroying me. Their continual encouragement, my deep grieving, and God’s supernatural hand really partnered in making me whole again. In hindsight, this was preparing me for a beautiful future, better than anything I could have ever imagined. Now, I don’t say that lightly or to be cliche. I had my doubts that I would ever find love again. I couldn’t wrap my mind around why someone would want the damaged. Even in the healing, triggers would come and I would second-guess trusting again. What if he came home later than expected? Would I always assume he was cheating? How jumpy would I be about his cell phone? And what guy would actually sign up for these issues? Then there were the depressing and disheartening doubts … Will I ever connect with someone in the ways that I did with my first husband?

Deciding my past would not define my future.

There were so many hypotheticals to surrender if I was ever going to continue my life in a healthy fashion. Had I let them, the hypotheticals would have weighed me down hard. In my healing, day by day, I chose to not let the hypotheticals win. My past was not going to define my future. It’s incredibly freeing when you give your future that chance. I took the chance on a new love. And a new love I found. All of my fears were quieted by his refreshing demeanor and stable confidence. The start of our love was exciting, yet guarded. When you go through the trauma of an affair and divorce, cynicism will creep in. Yes, you know the depravity of humanity and yes, you know what sin can do to a marriage, but you don’t have to let the skeptic stay too long in your mind.

You must keep your focus on the chance.

You gave your future the chance it deserves, don’t self-sabotage. Yes, things will come up and they will trigger really hard emotions and insecurities. The first time I experienced a trigger from the past in my new relationship, I thought for sure, my now husband was going to bail. But guess what? He didn’t. He understood, of course, I feel the way I do after everything I went through. And the next time it happened, it phased me less. Yet he was still understanding and reassuring. Our love was stronger than another man’s mistakes.

God’s blessing through my second marriage

Why second marriages have such a stigma I am not sure. All I see is what God protected me from. God spared my heart from a marriage to a man who didn’t respect me or our covenant. What I can share with all of you is the hope of a wonderful square one. My second marriage is a true dream come true. An unceasing love of me for him and him for me. Our marriage and family have never looked sweeter. I joke that God often tells me, “I am real sorry for all you had to go through, but hey! look at what you have now!” If you’ve experienced the devastation of divorce, please know that life will go on. It will go on restored and rebuilt in a beautiful way, a way you never dreamt or imagined. Promise me this, though, give your future the chance it deserves. Cope with the triggers as they come, but don’t give them too much handle. Embrace the bliss of starting your life over. Let it be all the beauty you deserved the first time and then some.

 LAUREN MCKINLEY is the founder of Her Soul Repair; blogger; author; and teacher. She lives in Southern California with her husband and five-year old daughter.

Lauren McKinley’s raw glimpse of how to survive life in a destroyed marriage has inspired many by reminding women they’re not alone. In Stop Wrecking My Home , she shares her personal story of the destruction an affair brings to a marriage, family, and community. Her words invite the brokenhearted to fight for their marriage while maintaining their self-worth. Her writing provides healing, hope, and restoration to the victims of betrayal. The pain you have endured may have broken your heart, but it does not have to break you.
Have you experienced brokenness in marriage that God has used to show His blessing? Let us know your story in the comments below!

The post I Do (Take Two)–When God Gives the Gift of a Second Marriage appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.