Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 140

What’s the “Price” of Sex in Your Marriage? An Economist’s Look at Sex

Is sex too expensive in your marriage?

Don’t worry–I’m not talking about prostitution! I’m actually talking about economics. Today, just for fun, I thought we’d take a look at sex in marriage from an economist’s point of view.

This week we’re looking at how to boost your libido, leading up to the release of my Boost Your Libido video course that launches on Thursday!

Each module has its own video, lesson, and assignments, and it’s super fun! You can work through it at  your own pace, and it’s designed to build on each other so you see immediate results.  And when you pre-order now, you’ll get 31 Days to Great Sex in ebook form as a bonus!

Check the course out here.

I’ve taken Economics 101 five times in my life. Once in grade 12. Once in my undergrad. And then I had to take it again for my Master’s (they wouldn’t exempt me). Each time I learned exactly the same thing. Then, when my daughters were taking university courses online when I was homeschooling them, I went through the material first with Rebecca and then with Katie. I have Economics 101 down pat. Unfortunately that’s all I know.

But that obviously makes me eminently qualified to look at sex from an Economics 101 point of view! So let’s jump in.

Basic economics tells us that the “price” of something is where the demand for it intersects with the supply of it. The demand for something tends to increase when the price drops, while the supply tends to decrease when the price drops.

But what determines how much of a product will actually be supplied at each point? The cost of the inputs. So if you were making ice cream, for instance, and the price of milk dropped, then the supply line would shift, and the price of ice cream would decrease.

In the original gorgeous graph above that I made using Powerpoint, you can see that the demand and supply meet at 11 times per month. But what happens when an input cost drops? Suddenly more will be supplied at each price point, and bingo! You now have sex 13 times a month.

Okay, that may sound complicated. But I hope you get the picture: when inputs are more expensive, you’re going to get less of something, because people won’t buy as much at the higher price. That’s why if the government wants you to buy less of something they tax it (like gas or alcohol), but if they want you to buy more of something they give you a tax deduction (like charity).

An economic demand and supply curve when it comes to sex and marriage: ECON 101 at work!
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What does this mean for sex?

It means that if the cost of sex gets too high, then you’ll have less sex.

Remember, in your marriage, if the 'cost' of sex gets too high, you'll have less of it.
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So if you want to have great sex in marriage, we’ve got to keep the cost of inputs down!

Today, for Top 10 Tuesday then, I thought we’d look at the “cost” of 10 inputs into a great sex life in marriage, and see what we can do to reduce those costs!

I’m not talking about foundational things, like feeling good about sex and having a positive view of sex, or having sex that doesn’t hurt. These are necessary, too. Call them the factory–the thing that is necessary to even produce the product.

But then you have the inputs that go into it. You could feel great about sex and have a positive view of sex and still never want to have sex, because the cost of the inputs is just too high.

As you’re reading through this, pick just ONE or TWO things to work on. Don’t try to tackle all 10.  Just pick the one that you think is most influencing the cost of sex in your marriage, and then decrease that! Here we go:

An Economic Look at the Inputs to Sex in Marriage

1. Having a place to make love

It’s hard to have sex if there’s not an obvious place where it will easily happen! That’s why it’s so important to keep the bedroom just to yourself, and to keep it feeling inviting and clutter free. If your children sleep in your bed, and you have to find another place to have sex, for instance, then the cost is much higher. If sex didn’t require the work of moving or going somewhere that isn’t as warm, then you’d likely have sex more often!

How to Lower the Cost: Clean your room. Move kids to their own beds. Buy some delicious bedding! Get a space heater or a fan if necessary.

2. Having time to make love

If one, or both of you, works shift work, then there isn’t an obvious “time” to make love like there is usually. Or if your schedules with kids, school, or work don’t line up, then it may be difficult to find a kid-free time when you’re both awake and energetic.

How to Lower the Cost: If evenings don’t work, can you start a morning routine? If it’s not work or school schedules, but simply lifestyle preferences, can you make a decision to go to bed at the same time anyway? If it is work or school, make a long-term goal to adjust your work or school schedules so that you have time alone together.

3. Having physical energy

It’s not just time together that matters; it’s time together when you’re not fighting desperately to stop from drifting off. When you’re exhausted, it’s harder to want to make love!

How to Lower the Cost: Try, as much as possible, to get at least seven hours of uninterrupted sleep a night. Help older babies, toddlers, and small children learn to sleep in their own beds. Look at the work that you do for the family and see if you can delegate it differently or cut some things out so that you don’t feel as bone tired.

4. Feeling physically well

Then there’s simply feeling well! If you’re afraid you’re going to puke, sex isn’t high on the list of things you’d like to do. That’s why pregnancy can make sex so tricky! But so can other ailments, like migraines, chronic pain, and more.

How to Lower the Cost: Decide that you will make a priority to take care of your health. Start an exercise routine, even if it’s just 15 minutes a day. Consult a nutritionist or do some research on how to eat better. If you have a specific health concern, speak to your doctor about how to manage it. Your body really matters; let’s treat it well!

5. Feeling emotionally replenished

For many of us, our need to have time to ourselves to rejuvenate, to think, to pray, or just to be relax is greater than our need for sex. That means that if you’re together at night, but you’ve had no time to rejuvenate during the day, you’re far less likely to want to have sex and far more likely to want to run a bubble bath, journal, or even take a jog.

How to Lower the Cost: Talk about your schedule and see if he can take some responsibilities off of your plate earlier in the evening so you can have some time to yourself. Make a practice of grabbing time during the day without feeling guilty. If you work, take your hour long lunch break to center yourself. If you’re at home with kids, take the nap time to relax rather than to get caught up on housework.

6. Feeling mentally calm

How can you have sex when your mind is going a mile a minute? When it comes to sex, multi-tasking is a woman’s greatest enemy. And when we can’t turn off our brains, it’s hard to turn on our bodies.

How to Lower the Cost: Pick a time earlier in the day when you go over your to do list for the next day. Go for a walk after dinner and talk to your husband about the things that are on your mind. Help clear your head before evening comes.

7. Feeling good about your body

If you hate your body, it’s hard to think about your body. And if you can’t think about your body, it’s hard to focus on it enough to get aroused! So how we feel about our bodies affects our tendency to want to have sex.

How to Lower the Cost: Dress your body well and take care of your appearance during the day. Fight the frump! Do lots of stretching and enjoying your body. Ask your husband what his favourite parts of your body are–and believe him.

8. Feeling emotionally close to your husband

Who wants  to have sex if they don’t feel close? You need to feel like you’re connected emotionally before you want to be connected physically. Like I said in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, Men make love to feel loved, whereas women need to feel loved to make love.

How to Lower the Cost: Spend time everyday sharing about your high and low of the day. Use some of my conversation starters to start talking again. Find a hobby to do together. Or enroll in my FREE 5-lesson emotional reconnection course.

9. Trusting your husband

For a woman to enjoy sex, she has to be able to be totally vulnerable. She can’t be vulnerable, though, if she doesn’t trust him, either because he’s used (or is using) porn, or he’s texting other women, or he’s being emotionally or physically abusive, or he’s had an affair.

How to Lower the Cost: The only way to deal with these big things are to confront them. With most of these things, you will need outside help. They will not get better without you drawing healthy boundaries and you both learning together how to rebuild trust and treat each other well. My book 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage talks about this.

10. Enjoying your husband’s scent

Here’s the last one, which those of us with husbands with good hygiene often take for granted: we need a guy who doesn’t stink. And I get email upon email every week from women whose husbands don’t shower enough or don’t brush their teeth. How, then, are they supposed to want to make love?

How to Lower the Cost: Many of these women are looking for “nice” ways to tell their husbands their hygiene is bad. I’m not sure there is a nice way. I think sometimes you just have to say it: “I’d love to make love, but soap and toothpaste are the best aphrodisiacs, and they come before foreplay.” You can even make it a routine that every night you shower together or you brush your teeth at the same time. But beating around the bush and hoping that it changes won’t do any good!

So there you go–10 inputs into sex that we all need.

Which one is the most “expensive” for you? Which one do you have to lower? Or did I miss one? Let me know in the comments!

And remember–my Boost Your Libido course addresses so many of these inputs, and helps you “lower the cost” so that sex becomes easier! Check it out now, while you can pre-order and get the bonuses!

 

 

 

 

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Why Do I Never Want to Say Yes When My Husband Initiates Sex?

Why do I shut down when my husband initiates sex?

It’s libido week here at To Love, Honor and Vacuum! I’ve been working for the last two month son my Boost Your Libido course, a video-based course that also has fun assignments, tons of extra resources, and so much more that can help you overcome this feeling that sex is an obligation.

It launches on Thursday, but when you pre-order now, you’ll also get 31 Days to Great Sex, in ebook form, free!

With Valentine’s Day coming up next week, I know many of us are thinking about how to put a smile on our husband’s face. But so often the problem is that as soon as we start to think that he may want sex, we immediately tense up. What if I don’t want it? Then will he be disappointed?

That’s actually quite a common scenario. Listen to this question from a reader:

I’ve been married for a year and I really do like sex usually. But something weird happens whenever my husband initiates, or I think he may initiate tonight. It’s like my body completely shuts down and I almost start a mini-panic attack. What if I can’t get in the mood? Now he’s stopped initiating and I feel like we’re not having sex as often as we should. How can I change myself so I don’t tense up if he initiates?

Great question!

Now, I know that for many of you reading this, the situation is flipped and it’s your husband who rejects sex. If that’s you, I encourage you to read this post, or this one. 

But let’s deal with this woman today.

Why do women tense up if their husband initiates sex?

Here’s how the scenario usually unfolds: sexual tension exists when there’s a sexual pull between two people, and you don’t know whether that’s going to be fulfilled. In movies, it’s often a fun element. We like seeing the tension between two people as they decide whether to move forward in their relationship.

But sexual tension can exist in a marriage, too, and that’s not always as fun. The one who wants it dances around the issue, because they’re trying to feel you out: will she say yes? He doesn’t come right out and say it because he doesn’t want to be rejected. And so he may try to woo her (often clumsily), and in so doing she may actually retreat even more. She gets in this guilt-induced funk before anything even happens, because she’s not responding like she knows he wants.

I know that’s how it was in my marriage in the early days. Whenever Keith wanted sex, I did panic. Now, some women panic because it triggers issues of sexual abuse, and if that’s you, I just want to say that I am so, so sorry. For someone to violate you like that is just plain evil. And I’d encourage you to read this post on how to recover after sexual abuse.

But many people feel panicky or tense even if there is no abuse in their background.

Why? Because for a woman to enjoy sex, she needs to have her brain totally engaged.

She needs to be looking forward to it. She needs to see it as an exciting, pleasurable thing. She needs to be able to throw herself into it. And for us that’s largely emotional. The problem is that if we feel pressured, it’s hard to imagine being excited about it.

Find yourself shutting down if your husband initiates sex? Here's how to WANT to say yes:
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It’s like when you were a kid and your mom tells you that her friend is bringing some kids over for a play date, and you have to behave and have fun with them. While normally you could have had fun with them no problem, as soon as she tells you that you have to your instinct is to feel as if you’re not going to like those kids.

Emotional pressure tends to send us running in the opposite direction, even if we have perfectly healthy sexuality.

Jay Dee explained this well in his guest post for me on why women sometimes feel as if they don’t have a sex drive. It’s not true! But think of your sex drive like an engine, with both brakes and gas. You can’t really move forward until you take your foot off of the brake. And a lot of us have our foot on the brake.

The unhealthy way around this sexual tension is to try to make the person with the higher sex drive have a lower one.

When The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex was released, Keith and I made a funny video to show what this may look like in a relationship:

The healthy way to resolve this sexual tension is to start thinking in a different way.

Yes, we have an emotional response that backs off as soon as he wants sex, because at heart we aren’t sure that we can work ourselves up and enjoy it.

But what if we could learn to control that emotional response?

You see, our emotions are rooted in our thoughts. And study after study has shown that it’s actually possible to change your thought patterns, which will, over time, change our emotions. That’s actually quite biblical! Paul wrote in 2 Corinthians 10:5:

We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

You CAN take every thought captive.

And how to do we do that?

Start thinking of yourself as someone who enjoys and anticipates sex.

Want to enjoy sex more? Start thinking of yourself as someone who does! (Seriously).
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Seriously. That’s the big thing that we have to do.

I spent the weekend reading some business books that can help me move ahead with my ministry. But one of the themes that came up again and again is that it’s been shown that how a person thinks of himself or herself determines how much success they have. Jeff Goins, who writes a ton about being a writer, said this:

Believe that you already are what you want to be, and then start acting like it.

That may sound hokey, but it actually works. If you want to be a writer, then you have to think of yourself as a writer. Why? Because often people don’t write because they think, “well, this is just a hobby”, or “I can never make money at this”, or “I’m just being silly.” So it’s hard to sit down at the computer and do it. But if you think of yourself as a writer, it’s much easier to actually write. You don’t have these negative thoughts in your head.

Start acting like someone who enjoys and anticipates sex.

One of the most inspiring life stories I’ve ever heard is that of Ben Carson, the pediatric neurosurgeon who is now the Secretary for Housing and Urban Development. He and his brother grew up with a single mom, who made her living cleaning a very wealthy family’s home. She saw what the wealthy family did, and then decided to emulate it herself.

In the wealthy family’s home you couldn’t see the TV because of all the books. So she made her sons read a book a week and write her a book report on it (though she couldn’t actually read the book report; she didn’t let her sons know that until much later). In the wealthy family, the kids played instruments. So her sons had to take violin lessons. All the things that she saw them doing she decided she was going to do at home, because she figured those things must have made a difference.

Discipline, no TV, emphasis on books–it worked, too!

So how does someone who enjoys and anticipates sex act? What makes up a sexually confident woman? She likes feeling good about her body, so she tends to take better care of it. She flirts a lot with her husband! But the biggest one? She takes time just to smile and imagine how great sex will be. 

When you visualize yourself enjoying sex and responding to his advances, you will enjoy sex more!

When I wrote 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, I was trying to show how it’s often our thoughts about marriage that undermine that very marriage. And there’s so much scientific research to show that, too! Here’s a study I recently came across that’s fascinating.

Researcher Judd Blasotto at the University of Chicago was wondering if you can harness the power of the brain alone to help basketball players to improve their jump shots. He divided the players into three groups. For 30 days, one group couldn’t work on their jump shot. The second group worked on their jump shot everyday. The third group didn’t work on their jump shot, but they spent time everyday visualizing exactly how they would do the jump shot.

At the end of the thirty days, the first group had no improvement whatsoever. The second group had a 24% improvement. But the third group had a 23% improvement. They hadn’t even picked up a basketball; they had simply thought it through in their heads over and over. That study revolutionized how athletes now train, adding visualization to their routine.

What would happen if we added visualization about how great sex will be to our daily routines? What would happen if we thought of ourselves as a sexually confident woman, and deliberately told ourselves that sex was going to be awesome tonight?

Start believing that you will like sex, then start acting like someone who likes sex, and you may just find that you really like sex!

I know it sounds far-fetched. But God made us so that we don’t need to be carried away by our emotions. Our emotions are changeable.

This may be a different scenario, but think of what Paul said about his emotions in Philippians 4:11-13:

 I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be contentwhatever the circumstances. 12 I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

What is “the secret” he learned? I believe it’s that he had the “mind of Christ” (1 Corinthians 2:16).

I know it sounds weird to think about having the “mind of Christ” at the same time as we’re talking about getting all sweaty with our husbands, but this actually totally goes together! Hot and holy are really two sides of the same coin. Our God is a passionate God, and He wants to unleash that passion in us. He created us to be carried away by desire and passion with our husbands. And so He wants us to start changing our thought patterns, so that we can change those emotional responses and emotional triggers–and actually enjoy sex again.

You can do it! And if you’re having trouble with this, my Boost Your Libido Course takes you step by step how to do this. It talks about how much of libido is “in our heads”, and then moves on to what’s in our bodies, and then even how to feel sexually confident and really anticipate sex.

It launches on Thursday morning, but if you pre-order it, I’ll give you a copy of 31 Days to Great Sex, absolutely free (that offer goes away on Thursday!). So check it out now–and let’s stop panicking when our husbands initiate sex!

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Why Falling In Love May Not Be the Best Idea

This week I’ve dedicated towards talking with single people aiming for marriage.

I wanted to end the week with this column I wrote a while back on how our culture sees love in the wrong way. I thought it was a good way to cap off the week, since it relates to both singles and marrieds.

Sheila’s Marriage Musings: Why Love Shouldn’t Be By Accident

I travel well. I enjoy plane rides, I don’t mind airports, and I’m a big fan of cruise ships. But I don’t pack particularly well.

It’s not that I forget the essentials; it’s that I get stressed out trying to remember them all, let alone trying to accomplish the massive to-do list that I make for myself before I can depart.

But I think this acknowledgement of my pitfalls is actually one more brick in the road towards familial bliss. Certainly it’s not bliss living with me as I frantically reply to emails that have been sitting in my inbox for weeks, or decide that it is imperative that we clean out the fridge right now, even though that rotting stuff in there hasn’t bothered me up until now. Knowing I’m going to be a bear, though, gives my family time to plan for it. They know I’m a wreck, so for the most part, they can laugh it off, realize it’s nothing personal, and eventually we’ll get on the road and all will be well. When we prepare for the rocky road ahead, we end up faring much better.

Over the next eleven days, our culture will celebrate love. And yet, for a society that praises love, yearns for love, and chases love, it seems so odd to me that we fail to prepare for love.

On Valentine’s Day, the popular image is Cupid’s arrow, which the plump cherub aims at unsuspecting people, causing them to love completely out of their own control. Or what about the way we speak of love? “As soon as our eyes met I knew I was falling in love.” Love is like falling. There’s nothing you can do it about it; you’re just walking along merrily one day when suddenly something pushes you over a cliff, and there you go, hurtling towards coupledom. It’s Love by Accident. We’re thankful that we’ve found someone, so we count our blessings and prepare to keep falling.

But what happens when the ground hits?

If we stopped seeing love as an accident, and realized that love may be more of a journey, maybe we’d prepare for it more.

Yet when it comes to love, preparation is one of the furthest things from our minds. We’re told to do what feels good, to find the one who completes you, and then to jump in with both feet. What we’re not necessarily trained for is how to keep a relationship going.

Does the idea of 'falling in love' stop us from preparing for the true journey of love?
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Think about the wedding day. We spend, on average in Canada, about $25,000 to tie the knot, and yet very few couples take any kind of marriage preparation course. It’s assumed that love will tide them through. If we spent less on the wedding and invested more in counseling, personality testing, marriage books, or even just interviewing couples who had been happily married for decades, we’d be better off. Maybe the wedding would be a little less extravagant, but imagine the fiftieth anniversary party!

Cupid’s arrow fades, but love doesn’t have to.

When we know that certain stages in marriage are more stressful than others—like when babies are born, the kids start school, or the kids leave home—maybe we’d understand these things are common to all, and work through them, rather than assuming there’s something wrong with our spouse. And if we understood that love is a decision, and not always a feeling, maybe we’d work more at cultivating it. After all, when we decide to forgive, to be kind, to listen, or to hold our tongue, even when we don’t always feel our efforts are reciprocated, we keep the relationship going. When we decide to appreciate, rather than to condemn or nag, we build something far more precious than a career, a hobby, or a bank account. We build love.

Sometimes, in a marriage, we won’t always feel love. I wish every new couple starting out could understand that. But we can still prepare for love. Let’s not love and live by accident; let’s love on purpose. That’s a much richer love than the one our culture so eagerly glorifies.

What’s #1 at To Love, Honor and Vacuum?

It’s time to spend some time with the #2’s!  When was the last time you spent quality time with your hubby?  What have you done lately to grab his attention?  Plus some posts on what to do when there are some wandering eyes where there shouldn’t be.

#1 Post on the Blog: My Daughter’s In Love With A Married Man

#2 on the Blog Overall: 20 Two Person Games To Play With Your Husband

#2 from Facebook: “My Husband Is Tempted To Look At Other Women.” What Should Our Response Be?

#2 from Pinterest: An Awesome List Of 79 Hobbies To Do With Your Spouse

The Boost Your Libido Course is Almost Here!

It’s launching February 9 (next Thursday!). And if you’re subscribed to my newsletters, you’ll be getting a special email this weekend where you can pre-order it–and get some extra goodies free! So sign up here.

I Had a Great Time at Breakforth Canada last weekend

I flew to Edmonton for Canada’s largest Christian conference, and it was awesome. I got to give two talks I haven’t given before–How Porn Wrecks Intimacy, and What the Church Can Do to Support Marriages. I think I’ll add them to my repertoire; they were fun.

 

And I got to spend some time talking with authors Gary Thomas and Shaunti Feldhahn (here’s a really really really bad selfie I took. I’m so bad at this stuff. My girls would be ashamed).

I’m Excited for the Week Ahead…

It’s been a while since I’ve launched a product, and I really enjoyed making this video course! So stay tuned for all the details. It’s going to be on sale for the first week, so you don’t want to miss it! And I think I’ll do more of these in the future.

Any ideas for topics? I’m thinking making sex feel good, how to recover from a porn addiction, but any others? Let me know in the comments!

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Confessions of a Desperate (Single) Woman

What do you do when you feel desperate to get married–but you’re still single years after you thought you’d be?

I’ve been writing about singleness this week–how to increase your chances of marriage, how to be sure you’re not settling in marriage. But there’s been a voice missing, and that’s the voice of a single person.

Emily Lewis from See the Sparrow has impressed me so much with her heart for God and her authenticity, and I love the perspective she shares here.

Here’s Emily:

I had dreamed of this moment for most of my life.

An open box lay before me, tissue paper the color of a ripe Georgia peach was strewn all over the floor, and I held in my arms an ivory lace dress.

But as I held my dreams there in my hands, my chest cavity felt as hollow as freshly dug grave. We had cancelled the wedding two weeks before, just days after sending out the invitations. I’d waited so long and prayed so hard and all I had to show for it was an empty box and a white dress.

I’m just going to be honest – what I felt at that moment towards God wasn’t anger. It was jealousy.

I was jealous of all those girls who meet the love of their life on their first semester at college and they get married the summer after graduation and have their first child before 25 and a house of their own by 30. Here I was a month into my fourth decade of life and I had never had a place I could call my own, or a person that I knew wouldn’t leave me. All I hoped for was a home, and a partner, and to be a mother. Was that too much, God? Did I dream too big?

Hope so long deferred can start to feel like desperation.

And though desperation may be taboo in the church, in the Bible it’s the desperate women who are most often honored by God.

I could talk about Hannah, who cried so hard the priest thought she was drunk, or Ruth, widowed and scavenging for food. But let me tell you a story you probably haven’t heard a thousand times already.

The Shunammite woman of 2 Kings 4 was childless and knew she would lose everything when her husband died. When Elisha promised she would have a son, she begged him, “Please don’t lie to me.” Can you hear the hopelessness ringing in her voice? But she gets pregnant and gives birth to a beautiful baby boy. All her dreams are finally given life.

Then one day, some years later, the little boy came to her complaining of a headache. He crawled up into his mother’s lap, and he died.

We can only imagine what the Shunammite woman felt holding the body of her dead child. But we know what she did: she went to the prophet of God. What she said is telling. “Did I ask you for a son, my lord? Didn’t I tell you, ‘Don’t raise my hopes’?”

Maybe you feel like that, too — that at some point your dreams curled up and died in your arms.

To the single woman who feels as if her dreams have curled up and died in her arms:
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Maybe it was as simple as a wedding dress that you would never wear, or an “I love you” that never came. Maybe you really lost a child. Maybe you couldn’t have the child you wanted because of medical complications or waiting for a partner. (No one ever warned me how much singleness can feel like bareness when your dream is to be a mom.)

Like the Shunammite, I had a choice. I could run to God, or wall myself up against Him. Jealousy could become bitterness. I could develop a personal theology of being forgotten by God. Or I could dare to ask the question, “Why did you let me get my hopes up?”

The Shunammite woman ran to the right place. If God could resurrect the dream of a child after the heartbreak of barrenness, He could resurrect that child. She was resurrected that day as surely as her son was. In Jewish tradition it’s said that that boy grew up to be the prophet Jonah, who in a way had to die and be resurrected again to save the 120,000 people of Nineveh. He’s also a representation of the One who died to resurrect our hearts forever (Matt 12:39).

Don’t hear me wrong here, desperation for a husband, or a home, or a family avails nothing. But desperation for God avails much.

The desperation that matters is the desperation that pushes us back into Him.

It's okay to feel desperate--if that desperation pushes back into God.
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Which is why Paul can say:

“We rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts . . . ” (Romans 5:3-5).

Or as the NLT has it,

“hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us.”

Once upon a time, long before I called off my engagement, I suffered another heartbreak. I was so devastated, I couldn’t hope. My future looked to me like a painting that had been dowsed in turpentine. I just curled up in my bed and folded myself into God’s arms. And I lay there for what felt like weeks, if not months.

Three nights in a row I was woken from sleep by a dream. In the dream God was holding a stillborn child and urgently repeating over it, “Live! Live!” (I didn’t recognize it then, but this is very close to a scene out of Ezekiel 16.) I thought of all the dreams I had held that had died, but I didn’t see how I myself was a dream of God’s heart. I was God’s child who was dying. I was His hope that was languishing.

Hopelessness is a dangerous poison. It steals our ability to dream.

And if we cannot dream we cannot even pray, because prayer requires that we open our hearts to God’s dreams for us.

Once my dreams had died, and spiritually I had died with them. This time I chose to stay open. It didn’t happen in a moment, it took months of choosing.

I put the dress back in the box and put my dreams back the hands of the only One who could hold them. And when the time came, if He chose to, resurrect them.

 

[image error] Emily Lewis is health coach, writer and aspiring novelist. In her nearly 31 years she has lived on four continents and traveled to more than 30 countries. Her various talents include a keen sense of adventure, a knack for striking up conversations with strangers and a love of obscure Bible characters. She blogs on multiculturalism, spirituality and all the relationships besides marriage at See the Sparrow.

Read another awesome post of hers on singleness right here!

The post Confessions of a Desperate (Single) Woman appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

When You Want to Get Married: How to Increase Your Chances

What do you do when you want to get married–but there don’t seem to be any prospects in sight?

This week’s been dedicated to single women who are interested in marriage, and I wanted to rerun some slightly controversial advice I gave a few years ago, because I think it’s important. Feel free to disagree, of course, but in watching young people in their twenties and thirties, these are the thoughts that have occurred to me:

If you want to get married, then make yourself available to get married.

That may not sound controversial yet, but here’s the thing: that’s actually the opposite of what we’re often taught in church, and it’s certainly the opposite of what kids will hear in school. And my fear is that many young people who desperately do want to get married are acting in ways that make marriage less likely.

First, though, a caveat: Marriage is not the most important thing in anyone’s life. God is the most important thing in anyone’s life. And you can have a full and complete life without being married. I am not saying that we should raise our kids to obsess over getting married or to worry about getting married. But I do believe that if this is a goal that they have that they should live in such a way to make that goal more likely.

So here’s where the controversial part comes in: if you spend five years teaching English in Japan or China or wherever, you decrease your chances of finding a spouse. That doesn’t mean you WON’T find a spouse; you just decrease your chances. And it certainly doesn’t mean that if you feel called by God to go somewhere you shouldn’t go; it’s just that I think many twenty-somethings want to have these “experiences” before they get tied down, but in so doing they limit their chances to get tied down.

If you want to get married, it is smart to spend your time where there are large numbers of potential mates.

I have a young friend named Daniel who felt called to go to the mission field, so he moved to Central America in his early to mid-twenties. Yet while leading a youth group from North America on a short term missions one summer, he met a youth group leader. A woman. Who was wonderful. And they married recently. I know another young woman who was serving in India who met the leader of another short term missions group, and they were recently married. If God is calling you somewhere, you go. Absolutely. No question about it. God says something–and then you obey.

But if it’s just fun experiences that you’re after, I’d advise taking another look. Studying abroad for a year? Taking a few years to backpack across the world? Even living for two years on a cruise ship? Nope. If getting married is really important to you, then go where you will find a whole ton of young, Christian potential spouses.

There’s another exception: I heard the story recently of one man who became a Christian at 22 after leading a really messed up life. He took the next two years on the mission field just serving so that he could get to know God better. After that, he came home, went to seminary, met his wife, and the rest is history. Sometimes we need those few years to find ourselves if we have a lot of issues to deal with. But if you don’t, then don’t take yourself out of the pool of marriageable people at a prime time in your life.

Certainly people can get married in their late twenties and thirties, but the pool of eligible people is smaller, since many start marrying young.

I have served on the mission field with my husband AFTER I’ve been married, and we’re planning to again. Getting married does not end your dreams of travel or service. In fact, I’ve traveled more and served more since being married than I did before I was married.

Be very careful about what kind of post-secondary education you choose.

I would venture to say that about half of married people met their spouses in school–either in high school or in college. Those school years are vitally important, because they occur right at the time that we’re getting to the age where marriage is possible, and we’re with the largest number of people our own age at the same time.

And I think that’s why so many people send their kids to Christian universities. You get to meet other Christians, after all! There’s a reason we call them Bridal Colleges, not Bible Colleges!

But hold on a second. The majority of Christian universities have a terrible sex ratio of about 70 girls to 30 guys. Think about that: for every guy, there are at least two girls. So if you have a daughter, do you really think that’s the best place to send her? (If you have a son, he’s practically guaranteed to meet a wife. A daughter? Not so much.)

It may certainly be the best place if it’s the education you’re after, but having been to a secular university and attended the Inter Varsity Christian Fellowship group there (and met my husband there), I can tell you that you can get a lot of Christian training at the secular university Christian groups, too. In fact, those Christians are often extremely strong in their faith, because they’re in a secular environment but they’re choosing to spend the majority of their free time in Christian study and service.

That’s where my daughter met her husband, too. And the opportunities for learning evangelism are amazing! My daughters have both become  major evangelists when they didn’t even know they had the gift. Just being in that environment where people WANT to talk about important things has started so many conversations.

Secular university is not for everyone, but I’m just saying that one shouldn’t assume that one will marry just because you go to a Christian university. If you’re female, your chances are actually better at a Christian group in a secular university where the sex ratios are more even.

If you do choose a Christian education, then, make sure it’s in a city with a wide range of church options that have large college and career groups, so that you can meet other people in a church setting.

Don’t just believe “God will send me a spouse if I trust him”

Trusting God to bring you a spouse doesn't mean staying at home watching Netflix.
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A lot of girls (and it’s especially girls) are sitting at home on Friday nights, reading Christian books, watching romantic comedies, eating ice cream, and praying that God will send them a spouse.

And that seems like trust. They’re wrestling with God about not getting anxious about it. They’re learning to let it go. They’re not obsessing.

But does God really do that? Does God answer our prayers without requiring us to do anything at all? Is that the best way of demonstrating trust–to remain safely in our comfort zone, not doing anything scary, while waiting for God to show up? Or does he want us to stretch ourselves a bit?

It’s scary to join a whole bunch of college and career groups. It’s scary to invite people back to your house for dinner or for movies and popcorn. It’s scary to take up people you don’t know well on their offer of “do you want to hang out on Saturday?” But the truth is that most of us marry someone that we meet through our social circle. You meet a friend of a friend, or a cousin of a friend, or a brother of a co-worker. You know what I mean.

But to do that, you have to have friends. Hang out where there are other strong Christians. Volunteer in places that you care about. Serve in a lot of ministries in church. Serve on short-term missions trips. Go to weekend retreats. These are all great places to meet a wide variety of people–but, even better, they’re all great places to build your faith and to build yourself as a person.

In the church, we often give people the message, “You can do whatever you want, and God will provide.” I don’t think that’s true. I think we need to prioritize and put first things first. If you hibernate for five years in grad school, never talking to anyone, then I’m not sure a mate will just show up. If you stay living at home after high school in your small town with few Christian marriageable options, then I’m not sure a handsome perfect guy will suddenly move in next door. Sometimes we need to move away to a larger city with bigger churches.

This is one of the main messages in Gary Thomas’ excellent book Sacred Search, too. If you want to get married, then get serious about making friends and growing your social connections. Live out your dreams!

Look, I am writing this for people who want to get married. If that is not your main goal–if you are focused more on career or on missions or on something else–then that honestly is fine. I believe that God puts stirrings in our heart that we are to follow.

But my fear is that we are not teaching young people the common sense facts about finding a mate. So if marriage matters, make yourself marriageable, and that includes putting yourself out there. It’s scary. It takes some risk. It takes a lot of time–you won’t get to stay home and watch Netflix as much. But it is worth it, and I encourage you, if it is important to you, to get out there and live a big life and meet lots of people! Then, even if you don’t marry, you’ll still have a wide circle of friends, a wide number of interests, and a really full life. And that’s worth it, too.

Want to get married? How to increase your chances--Common sense thoughts on faith & marriage.
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What do you think? Do some people sabotage their chances of marriage? Or am I being too callous? Let’s talk in the comments!

The post When You Want to Get Married: How to Increase Your Chances appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Will I Have to Settle in Marriage?

If you’re single, you may be looking out at all the prospects that are around you, and wondering, “Am I going to have to settle in marriage?”

Are your dreams for the kind of guy you want going to have to go out the window if you do actually want to get married?

I know a lot of single women read this blog, and I wanted to dedicate a week to talking about some issues that many single women have. And I thought this was a good one to address: Is settling in marriage inevitable? And is it a bad thing?

I guess I’d say: It depends what your definition of “settling” is.

So let’s take a look!

It’s not settling in marriage to realize that some of the things you hoped for really weren’t that important anyway.

What does it mean to be 'settling' in marriage? Some thoughts for single women:
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Before I unpack that, let me tell you a story about a woman who was afraid she was settling.

I have a great friend who is like honey to bees–everyone flocks around her. So she knows a TON of people. A while ago she thought to herself, “Hmmm…..Jane is 28 and unmarried, and she’s an AMAZING woman. And Tom is 29 and unmarried, and he’s an AMAZING man. They would go together so well!” So she set them up on a blind date.

The date went swimmingly. Jane texted my friend afterwards raving about Tom. Tom texted her raving about Jane. They both were so impressed by each other’s love for God and amazing character and sense of humour, and there was immediate attraction on both sides. My friend was very happy.

But then the second date happened, and Jane, heartbroken, said that she could no longer see Tom since marriage couldn’t be in their future.

You see, Tom loved hockey (we’re Canadian, after all). And Tom played hockey even today, and Tom was looking forward to any sons he had playing hockey.

Jane felt hockey was violent and contributed to violence in society, and was dangerous anyway, and couldn’t let her sons play hockey.

And so it was over before it really began.

I’m sorry, but that is so, so very shortsighted.

Jane missed several key things: first, they may not even have sons. Second, those sons, if they had them, may not even like hockey. Third, and most importantly, by being married, we change each other. Because I’m married to Keith I have found myself interested in things I never would have done before, and he has become a different person, too. Who’s to say that Jane wouldn’t find herself liking hockey? Or that Tom wouldn’t find himself finding other things were more important?

The key thing is that if they’re both in touch with God and following God, then God can change their hearts to whatever God wants for any sons they might have.

And this is where settling comes in.

It is not settling to let go of some of the things that you dreamed about for a husband, as long as you hold on to the ones that are truly important.

I have met a lot of Janes in my life. They have these big lists of what they need in a husband, and they’re determined to wait, because that would be trust, wouldn’t it? God has already planned out this perfect person for them–a person that God planned for them before the foundation of the world. And if they compromise on any of these things that would make him perfect, then wouldn’t that mean they’re missing out on God’s real plan for them?

Or perhaps they don’t spiritualize it that much. Maybe they just say, “I have dreams and I’m not going to settle, because then I’ll miss out on the best. I’ll wait until I find him!”

But the problem with this line of thinking is that we’re not static beings. When we get married, we will change. We will like different things, different TV programs, different hobbies. Our appearance over the years will change. And just by being married our goals often change! The things that were vitally important to me at 23 aren’t even on my radar now.

Here’s what a list of what you want in a mate does:

It looks at me, as I am right now, and it says, “what kind of person would be perfect for who I am?”

But a marriage is bigger than just you.

My youngest daughter, for instance, is seriously into music and Broadway musicals. She can’t imagine marrying someone who doesn’t share her admiration for soundtracks, because it’s so much a part of who she is. But in her heart, she knows that’s silly, because ultimately that is not the important question.

A while ago I wrote a post on the four things you need in a husband–you should never settle in marriage for a guy who doesn’t have these four things.

The four things you need in a husband: Don't settle for less than this!
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I strongly urge you to read it, but I’ll summarize here, too:

He must love God and be totally committed to Him–because then God can talk to him and change him if necessary!
You must be able to talk about God with him and pray with him (at least a little). Otherwise your spiritual life may not really be true. Seriously, if you both have God and are open to God’s correction and guidance, then you can get through anything!
You must bring out the best in each other–no putting someone up on a pedestal so much so that you don’t really show them what you’re thinking or feeling. No idolizing anyone. And totally having the ability to share your heart without any danger of criticism and put down. And no feeling that one person is more important than the other.
He must have motivation/initiative–He must be willing to work hard and have a job and have goals.

If you have those four things, you’re not settling.

But what if I’m not really attracted to him? Is that settling?

I think getting married when there’s no chemistry is really dangerous. I’ve written before about what to do if you’re not attracted to your boyfriend.

But I’ve also known girls who have gone on dates with really good guys, and they just don’t feel that spark, and I think they cut off the relationship a little bit too soon.

I think when you’re in a solid relationship that’s headed towards marriage, you won’t feel like you’re settling.

Once you know the guy well, and once you have that comfortable relationship, you’ll feel blessed (if you’ve been listening to God’s voice).

On the other hand, I know women who won’t even begin a possible relationship if they fear that they’ll end up settling in marriage, and thus they deny themselves the chance to get to know someone who may have been awesome for them.

If you’re getting close to marriage, and you DO feel like you’re settling, though, then don’t get married.

I have known women who have gotten married to guys they know they don’t totally love just because time was running out and they really wanted kids.

And those marriages have not been happy. They’ve always resented their husband a bit and always looked down on him.

What if you’re 35 and your biological clock is ticking? I don’t know. But I will say this: If you marry, it is not fair to resent him for not being the person you wanted him to be. If you get married, you have to jump in with both feet and decide, “this is the person that I will actively and fully love for the rest of my life!” You can’t marry him hoping against all hope that he’ll change those annoying habits, or feel like he owes you because he got the better end of the deal in this marriage.

You have to just love him.

And if you honestly can’t do that, then please don’t marry him.

I know it can be scary being single and wanting to desperately to get married, and starting to worry that you will have to settle.

All I can say is make the most of these years. Live them fully! Embrace who you are. You’re at a unique time in your life: your time is honestly your own, and you can do whatever you want. So use it! Do some exciting things. Get out and meet people. Discover who you were meant to be. Run after God wholeheartedly. When you live a full life, then you won’t be living as if you’re in a holding period, waiting for your real life to begin. And I think that will put you in a better place to choose wisely anyway!

Other Posts That Can Help You as You Think About Marriage:

The best dating advice I’ve ever heard

How to increase your chances of marriage

Should I marry someone who uses porn?

How to prepare for marriage–and not just the wedding (along with red flags that he really isn’t the right guy for you!)

How do I know if I’m marrying the wrong guy?

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Reader Question: My Daughter’s in Love with a Married Man

What do you do when someone you love in turn is in love with a married man? When someone you love is making the biggest mistake of her life?

Every Monday I like to post a reader question and take a stab at answering it. Unfortunately, this question isn’t as rare as you would hope. This week I want to talk to the single women who read this blog about how to move towards marriage, and I thought I’d start with this question, because it’s a serious one that does need to be answered.

A dad writes,

I am soliciting advice and perspective for a 20 year old daughter in love with a married father of 2. Both were preparing for ministry. The continuum of recommended responses is overwhelming. Hard to have fellowship without forgiveness. Impossible to have forgiveness without repentance. Very little recognition of the pain being caused to everyone involved. Her first love now involves the emotion and bonding that happens through sex. Logic and reason have left the building. Would be interested in your perspective. Mountains of dysfunction becoming known about his current marriage.

Isn’t that sad?

First, before I give any advice, let me just say that I felt sick for this man and his wife in reading this email. I can just imagine the heartache they’re going through. They didn’t raise a daughter to make these kinds of decisions. The future they pictured for her looked nothing like this. It’s as if all their dreams for her are dying.

And on top of that, they’re worried about her because this guy does not sound like a good guy at all (what kind of married man would have an affair with a 20-year-old anyway? And like the writer says, his marriage has lots of dsyfunction).

I’m going to just say a few words of what I think, but then I’m going to turn this over to my daughter Rebecca, who is 22, and who can maybe shed some light on what sorts of parental actions could best get through to this lost woman.

Let your actions be guided by what is happening NOW, not by what you’re scared may happen in the future

It doesn’t sound like this couple is married right now, though it does sound like the story is out and this man’s wife knows about the affair.

Okay, so what we have is a girl who is in love with a man and sleeping with a man–but right now, that’s all. They may have plans to marry, but they are not married yet.

I think sometimes in our fear we let our minds race into the future, and that makes us panic even more. If she gets married, do you have to honour the marriage, especially since it’s illegitimate (since he was married already and had an affair?). Do you have to disown your daughter? Will he now be at Christmas meals, or do you not invite them? Do you go to the wedding?

I know if it were me those are the thoughts I’d be having.

And I guess I’d just say–stop. I know it’s a different situation, but when my son was sick, all I could think of were all the possible scenarios that could happen, and how I would deal with each one. And in the end, only one scenario ended up happening. But I robbed myself of a lot of the time I could have had enjoying him because I was so worried about the future.

Let your actions be determined by what is happening now.

How you treat her and this guy if she ever marries him you can deal with later (and God will give you the strength and the wisdom at THAT time to deal with it).

Today, what do you do?

Let yourself grieve. Find someone important and wise to talk to for counsel, but don’t talk to everyone about it. Make it clear to her, as calmly as you can, that you love her and that you believe that she will make the right choice, because God is with her and she knows God’s voice. Remind her of that fact. And make it clear to him, when you have the chance to talk to him, that you are angry with him for using your daughter this way, and that he needs to man up.

But now I’m going to let Rebecca chime in on what could help a 20-year-old girl come to her senses:

Rebecca here. And honestly, reading this letter I’m not really sure where to start, either.

But I’m going to be focusing here on how parents can talk to their adult children about the mistakes they’re making and be heard. By putting myself in the daughter’s shoes, here are some suggestions:

1. Focus on your emotions, not your judgments

Often when we see people we love making bad decisions our first instinct is to try and save them. We try to change their behaviour, make them do the things we want them to do and stop doing the things we know are dysfunctional or sinful.

But the problem with that is that you can not change how someone else acts. And any attempts at such will simply feel controlling and like you’re telling her, “you are a disappointment to me–you need to prove yourself because you’ve messed up, big time.” The girl in the letter is already going to be on the defensive–she knows that no one agrees with her decisions, she feels deeply in love, and she likely feels misunderstood by everyone except her married boyfriend. Telling her how horrible she is acting or how disappointed you are in her is going to help nothing. She’s an adult. She’ll simply cut you out of her life. And she’s allowed to do that. 

Instead, when you must talk about it, make the conversation about you. Starting sentences with “I feel…” or “I’m scared that…” makes it much less confrontational than saying “You are wrong because…”

That doesn’t mean that it is always wrong to tell people when they are doing something sinful. But we’re talking about someone who is in denial. And when you’re in denial, usually yelling doesn’t have that great of an effect.

2. Don’t make it about the sex

They’ve had sex. You can’t change that. And hammering it into her head about how bad it was she had sex isn’t going to do anything except make her feel ashamed and want to withdraw from you more. You don’t want that. Instead, focus on the emotional ramifications for your daughter, talk about how you’ve been seeing her hurting because of this, and literally any other aspect of the relationship other than the fact that they’ve slept together. You don’t want to make your daughter feel she needs to defend herself–and focusing on past actions is not usually helpful in these situations if it makes the person become defensive. 

3. Try to understand your daughter’s fear and hurt

Most people, when they engage in something they know is wrong, aren’t doing it with malicious intent. Usually it stems from an inner brokenness–maybe a desperate fear of being alone, or maybe shame and inner turmoil about the fact that she started the relationship in the first place. Maybe she feels trapped, and that if she backs down now, after it’s gone on for so long and so far, everything will come crashing down around her. And that may be really scaring her.

Instead of flying into a fearful rage, really sit down and try to understand where your daughter is coming from. Maybe that means giving her the opportunity to explain where you promise not to say a single word, even after the conversation is over. Maybe ask her to write a letter, if you don’t think you could stay quiet while she was telling you her side of the equation. It doesn’t mean that you need to agree with her choices–but being heard is one of the most healing experiences. And it can give a person enough courage to stop harmful behaviours.

4. Talk about what she wants from life in a realistic sense

Psychology has a term called “cognitive dissonance” that I think needs to be understood better in these kinds of situations. What it means is that we, as humans, have two main functions that tell us what kind of people we are: our thoughts and our actions. If I think, “I’m against listening to raunchy music,” but then listen to a really sexual song that we know isn’t healthy, we start to feel uncomfortable. Our actions aren’t matching our thoughts–we have a mini identity crisis.

The way we fix that is by altering either our thoughts or our actions. And thoughts are a lot easier to change than habits. So we might say, “Well, I know it’s really raunchy, but it’s OK if I listen to it because I’m married so I’ll just think about my husband,” so that we feel less guilty about what we’re doing, even if we know it’s wrong and the sex in the song is very degrading to women.

That’s one of the first things that sprung to mind when I read the letter. This daughter may have convinced herself that this man can give her what she wants in life. Maybe she believed that sex before marriage is wrong, but when she met this man and she wasn’t able to be with him because he was married, she may have begun some major mental acrobatics so that she didn’t feel so guilty about being attracted to a married man.

The way to break this is to create more cognitive dissonance. And it’s uncomfortable. But looking at what you really want in life–your thoughts and values–can help show you where you’ve pulled the wool over your own eyes in the past. For example, maybe she wants a husband who is attentive and dedicated and a real family-man so she can have a lovely family with him. Well, looking at this guy, he was willing to sacrifice his family for her. And he’s torn apart his children’s lives so he could have an affair with a 20-year-old. It may be easier to see the truth when you’re contrasting what you’re convincing yourself is OK now with what it might look like in 10-20 years.

Note: I agree with my mom, that parents shouldn’t be worrying about the future. But I think it’s healthy for the daughter to be thinking about how this is going to affect her long-term. Because she has the power to change the situation. 

It breaks my heart that these messages really are not uncommon. And I don’t think there’s a perfect answer–it comes down to knowing your child, humbling yourself before God in prayer, and asking for wisdom so that when you do talk to your child, you are doing so in the best way possible for that situation.

Have you ever had to deal with a loved one making a bad decision? How did you handle it? Let me know in the comments below–I think this topic can use all the wisdom it can get!

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In Which I See “The Wall”, 500 Birds, and Some Awesome Readers!

On January 8, my hubby and I flew from Ontario, where it is COLD, to Phoenix, where it is NOT.

We were very happy!

For the last year or so we’ve been living in our RV for 3-4 weeks at a time, a few times a year. Last September we drove through from our home all the way down to Phoenix, with a detour to the upper peninsula of Michigan. Then we left our RV in storage in Phoenix and flew home, until we picked her up again this month (She’s a her because the model is a Minnie Winnie and we call her Winnie for short).

We drove to California where it rained for a week, but I managed to get a ton of work done while sitting in the RV! It’s kind of fun. I work during the day, and Keith goes for lots of walks and bird watches, and then I make dinner and we play this strategy game at night together on his computer while I knit.

So it’s very low key and super relaxing.

I also gave my Girl Talk twice–once in Anaheim and once in Arlington (last night in fact!). It’s a great night when I talk sex & marriage and do an anonymous Q&A, and it’s always so much fun and informative for the women who come!

In Anaheim my long time reader and supporter Amber came, armed with chocolate after I posted on Facebook that we had forgotten to buy it at the grocery store–and it was too hard to drive our RV in Los Angeles to go back and get some! So she rescued me.

And didn’t they make the stage awesome for the event?

And I had some great meetups with people, too!

Jaime from Simply Rooted Calligraphy won dinner with me in a contest I did a little while back, and I was finally able to deliver when I was in her neck of the woods. A friend of hers (plus the friend’s absolutely adorable baby) came, and we had a lovely chat about shift work and babies and job opportunities and lots of stuff.

And we went to an amazing restaurant called True Food that was ever so yummy.

Then I also had the awesome opportunity to meet Denis Merkas from the MELT Massage Course. Denis has been an online friend for a while, and has graciously sponsored my marriage newsletter. He and his wife create a great product of online teaching videos where couples can learn to give each other amazing massages (the videos work, trust me!). Anyway, one of the things that he was telling me is that he’s gotten feedback that he never even thought of before. So many women have written saying, “I was abused in the past and I get jumpy when my husband touches me. But being able to give and receive a massage I feel is really healing.” So neat!

He stopped by our RV and though it was cramped, we had a great talk.

Then Pam and Bill Farrel, from Men Are Like Waffles, Women Are Like Spaghetti fame, also came by, and we dreamed of maybe putting on a marriage cruise sometime!

The most fun part for Keith, of course, is the birding. We’re big birdwatchers, and California and Arizona and Texas have birds that we just don’t get in Canada. So he figures he saw 27 new species this trip, bringing his total to 548. And he has pictures of 508. In fact, here is his 500th bird species picture:

And here he is taking that 500th picture:

We had to track that Costa’s hummingbird all over the garden, because the first time he missed the picture! But it was very rewarding. (If you want to see the other pics Keith took this trip, you can check out his Flickr account!)

Michelle, who hosted the event in Anaheim, and her husband are great birdwatchers, too, and they and their kids took us out on the Martin Luther King holiday to some of the preservation areas.

We saw a Hutton’s Vireo, which was a first for everyone (if any of you out there are interested!)

In total, over the trip, we drove about 1,500 miles Keith figures. Some of the driving really felt isolated! There was NOTHING driving through New Mexico. We finally stopped for lunch in a town where almost everything was boarded up. The restaurant looked a little scary, but it was actually quite good food!

And driving through El Paso I looked out the passenger window and thought, “wow, that neighbourhood is a little run down.” And then I noticed The Wall! It was about 15 feet from us, and I can now say that I’ve seen the non-tourist side of Mexico.

Tomorrow we’re leaving the RV in Dallas and flying back to Canada, before rejoining it in late March. We’ll be in the Texas area for 3 weeks then, so if any other churches are interested in either hosting a Girl Talk or in hosting a couples event, either I could speak or both of us could speak! Just email Tammy and she’ll send you lots more information.

Right now I’m off to Edmonton to speak at Breakforth, Canada’s largest Christian conference. I’m giving my sex talk (Yay!), but I’m also talking about porn kills intimacy and what churches can do to support marriages (Hint: it’s not about supporting marriages. It’s about getting healthy people).

And then I’m back home, where I’m putting the finishing touches on my Boost Your Libido course, which will launch February 9. And those on my newsletter list will get a chance to preorder it and get some goodies next week, too!

So that’s what I’ve been doing for the last few weeks! Keith and I have lived in an RV that’s about 25 feet long, and we haven’t killed each other, and we’ve actually had quite a bit of fun. And I look forward to doing it all again in March!

What’s #1 at To Love, Honor and Vacuum?

This week in the Tops, let’s look at our relationship with our hubbys.  What are some of the great things about the relationship and where can we work on it?  Where can we speak into our husband’s life and help enhance his spiritual journey?

#1 Post on the Blog: The Thrill Of Bringing Out The Best In Your Spouse

#2 on the Blog Overall: 50 Most Important Scripture Verses To Memorize

#1 from Facebook: My Husband Doesn’t Let Me Have Any Money

#2 from Pinterest: 25 Marriage Tips

 

The post In Which I See “The Wall”, 500 Birds, and Some Awesome Readers! appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

3 Steps to the Sexiest Brain Ever!

Yesterday, here in Canada, was Bell’s “Let’s Talk” day. It happens every year, and it’s a country-wide day to raise awareness for mental health and to encourage people who are and aren’t struggling to reach out to their neighbours, family members, friends, and coworkers to help increase community among people.

Often it can be really difficult to talk about mental health issues. We chase so many things all at once, trying to be perfect in so many areas, that to admit that we’re struggling can seem like failure.

I am so excited to have Sarah E. Ball today on the blog talking about her journey with mental health throughout her marriage. She’s got so much truth to speak, and has dedicated herself to helping women along this journey! So glad to be able to share her writing with you today!

I had never eaten so many S’mores and Jujubes in my entire life. Canadian girls don’t diet when it comes to camping. One morning, after we had returned home from our weekend of campfires, hot chocolate and marshmallow binging, I stared at my treadmill, determined. “It’s just you and me friend, you better undo what I just did and make me sexy again.” I set it to I’m-gonna-die-skinny mode and I ran hard. Ten minutes into my run I felt like I couldn’t catch my breath so I slowed down to walk.

I stepped off the treadmill trying to take some deep breaths as I counted my pulse. Woah, that was a fast heart rate, I thought. My chest began to feel heavy and tight and my throat felt like it was constricting. I could pass out at any moment. I grabbed the house phone and looked around the house, trying to think of the best place to lie down, in case I died. “I think I’m having a heart attack” I told myself. I fell limp on the couch and started to shake uncontrollably; unable to speak, only mutter, I called 911.

Three paramedics came marching in. Ugh, I thought to myself, I’m going to die on my living room couch in my workout clothes, smelling like campfire and they send the cute paramedics?! After their investigation of my symptoms they said, “Sarah, we don’t think anything is wrong with you. We believe you are having a panic attack.” I was humiliated. How could it be a panic attack?! I wasn’t even thinking of anything stressful or terrifying, I was trying to jog off my diet of sugar, corn syrup and artificial colouring!

My husband came home right away, tucked me into bed with my newly prescribed bottle of Ativan, and we both agreed that I had been under a lot of stress and that after a good nap I’d feel better. But I didn’t feel better. I began having panic attacks multiple times a day. I had developed generalized anxiety disorder and harm OCD. And just like the bible verse says in Proverbs 12:25 (anxiety in the heart of a man leads to depression), I eventually spiralled into suicidal despair and it lasted almost a year. You can read more of story here.

My mental breakdown was incredibly hard on my marriage and both my husband and I were shell shocked. I was after all, the strongest, most faithful woman he had ever met. Was this our new future? How was he going to handle all the responsibility with an ill wife and maintain his own health? How would our children be affected? Others supported us the best they could but no one really knows how to handle the mentally ill. “I’m so um sorry your wife is…um…sick and…um…losing her mind?” My husband became my greatest support and it was integral in my recovery.

Yes, recovery.

After a year of doctors, therapists, rest, support and most of all God’s hand and guidance I fully recovered and now I have devoted my life and writing to helping others recover and find the hope and tools they so desperately need, that I so desperately needed. I am about to publish book Fearless in 21-Days – A Survivors Guide to Overcoming Anxiety and I have just opened the doors to my very first online course called The Fearless Traveler Course. – A Guided Tour For Christians Battling Anxiety.

We pursue so many things as women. Beauty, status, a great figure, a ‘perfect’ family, a great marriage but what I want to really urge you to understand is that having a healthy mind should be a greater priority than a sexy anything else.

Some of you reading this are in different stages of mental health. You’ve been blessed with a healthy mind. Some of you aren’t battling a mental illness but you know your mind is not as healthy as it should be. Some of you reading this are crying because my story is yours right now, some of you have lived with mental illness your entire life and don’t even know what a sexy brain looks like anymore.

No matter where you are in your mental health walk, my challenge for all of us is to make a shift from putting external things, wealth, beauty, acceptance, even people pleasing aside and begin to focus on building healthy habits for a healthy mind!

Here Are Three Tips To The Sexiest Brain Ever!
1: Rest

Is rest your four-letter word? It used to be mine. With 5 children, multiple church responsibilities, marriage, blogger, self-imposed super mom, rest to me was a sign of weakness and I showed no mercy. When I became mentally ill, rest was one of my greatest weapons. Learning to rest meant I had to give up on a few major attitudes:

Pride, because no one else could do these things as well as me.
Control, because I had to make sure things were done well and disobedience, because God never asked me to take on certain things to begin with.

Now when I feel a lot of stress coming on, my first defence is rest. Which means, trusting God to take over the treadmill, delegating to others what they will excel at and reminding myself I’m not super human.

2. Responsibility

Mental wellness can be greatly affected by things we have no control over. For example, trauma, childhood learned behaviours, genetics, chemical imbalances, hormones and more. I was a mixed cocktail of all of the above. As much as I had to accept that my mental illness was not my fault, I also had to accept the truth that no one else could ‘fix’ me. I had to take responsibility for my health. I now know that no matter what cards are stacked against me I am responsible to do the best that I can for my own mental care and health.

3. Rumbling

Reading Brene Brown’s book Rising Strong has given me a new word for that yucky stage in life where we are stuck emotionally. I was a suck-it-up-princess gal, the queen of shove it down until you forget it, but our bodies never forget trauma, sorrow or grief. It will eventually catch up to you. It may show up in a physical illness, or in anger, in our marriages but more often than not it will show up in mental illness. I have learnt that when I am faced with a trial, trauma or grief I drop down and give God 10! Learning to grieve, be vulnerable and ask for support is not weakness it is indeed the bravest act of humanity and the healthiest for our brains.

Take a moment today and ask yourself: On a scale of 1-10 how well do I take care of my mental health? Am I resting, am I rumbling and am I taking responsibility? If you recognize that you are not where you need to be, take a moment to plan how you can make it a priority in your life.

If you are battling moderate to severe anxiety I would love to help you discover some powerful insights, lessons and tools in overcoming this crippling illness. I have created an online course for Christians who want to be set free from fear. Don’t worry I’m not going to pat your hand and tell you to ‘just pray more’ or tell you to ‘give it to God’ These are real, practical and powerful tools to help you on your road to recovery. Check it out here: The Fearless Traveler Course.

How do you handle mental health issues in your marriage? What do you do to maintain good mental health? Let’s chat about it in the comments!








Sarah E. Ball is a blogger at http://saraheball.com, speaker and mental health survivor who brings powerful truth, encouragement and tools to those who desire to live fearless and joy-filled lives.

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Wifey Wednesday: The Thrill of Bringing out the Best in your Spouse

What would happen if we lived our lives bringing out the best in our spouse?

Gary Thomas is an awesome author–I respect him so much as a marriage expert, but also as a colleague and a friend. We’ve shared the stage before at a marriage conference, and we’ve talked and swapped advice about writing and publishing and, even more importantly, how to help people who come our way.

I’ve met Gary’s wife Lisa, too, and they are the Real Deal.

Gary has a new book out called Cherish, and it’s wonderful. I so wish every couple could grasp this idea and run with it–about how cherishing our mates can change us and can change them, too.

I asked Gary if I could publish an excerpt from his book, and I’m honoured that the first marriage post on this blog with my new blog theme is one by Gary!

Here he is:

Famed Russian-born ballet choreographer George Balanchine once said, “The ballet is woman.” The best male dancers recognize that their role is all about showcasing the female dancer’s beauty, particularly during pas de deux—couples’ dancing. People generally go to the ballet to see the beautiful form, grace, balance, coordination and strength of the female lead, but all of those qualities are even better showcased when the ballerina has a male dancer who can set her up, catch her, and support her.

As a former male dancer and later choreographer, Balanchine said that his job was to “make the beautiful more beautiful.” With a strong and gifted male dancer nearby, the ballerina can do more and attempt more than she could in a solo endeavor.

What if we considered that our job as husbands and wives was “to make the beautiful more beautiful?”

By supporting, stabilizing, lifting, and turning our spouses to the “best sides” of their strength and personality, our spouses can become more and do more than they ever could on their own. We essentially affirm the beauty we see in them by helping them become even more beautiful yet.

Some of our spouses may not even realize that they have a best side. It’s our job (and joy) to help them discover it. Others may have never allowed their best side to flourish—or even be seen—because they’re insecure. If that’s the case, when we learn to cherish them we will provide the support they need.

“Showcasing”–making the deliberate mental shift to cherish our spouse by highlighting their beauty to others in the same way a dancer focuses on supporting his partner—is an essential part of learning how to cherish our spouse. If two dancers are each trying their hardest to be noticed above or even by each other, the performance is going to be a colossal, ugly failure.

Husbands can take the attitude of male dancers, seeking to showcase their wives’ beauty. It may be the beauty of wisdom, so in social settings we do our best to see that she is heard. It may be the beauty of leadership, and we support her so that she can cast vision with others. It may be the beauty of hospitality, and we buy the things she needs and open up our homes (when we might prefer to be left alone) so that her beauty can be on full display. We remind ourselves, “Today, my job is to cherish her.”

Very few marriages would ever approach divorce if each spouse would make one of their first daily comments to each other, “How can I support you today? How can I make your day better?”

If spouses began the day saying, 'How can I support you today?', we'd have awesome marriages!
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If wives adopted this attitude, supporting their partners to perform feats they could never do on their own, they might soon be married to “different” husbands with the same names—more confident, more at peace, more engaged at home. What if a husband knew—in the deepest part of his soul—that his wife was his strongest support, his most encouraging partner? What would that do to him? What if he was willing to risk failure out in the world or at home with his kids because he knew in his wife’s eyes he would always be her cherished champion? She supports him, she stabilizes him, and when he fails she binds up his wounds—spiritual and emotional—constantly turning and lifting him so his strongest side is always showing.

What if every wife woke up and thought to herself, “Today, my job is to cherish him by showcasing his best side to others?”

What if all spouses embraced the role of 'showcasing my spouse's best side to others'?…
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A Brilliant Match

Dr. Hugh Ross, a Canadian-American astrophysicist, captivated the attention of five thousand people at Second Baptist Church, Houston as he made it seem patently ridiculous from scientific evidence alone to not believe in God. The ease with which he drew complicated numerical equations out of his mind—in response to spontaneous questions, not prepared notes—left most of us feeling like we were thinking with a different species of brain. Yet, near the end of his talk, Dr. Ross confessed that he is “definitely on the autistic spectrum” and that if it wasn’t for his wife Kathy, he’d be in a much different place.

While a continuous line of autograph seekers waited to get Dr. Ross’ autograph, Kathy told me her story of meeting a brilliant young Cal Tech researcher doing his postdoctoral studies while volunteering at a church.

Hugh was (and is) passionate about science and God; his intellect opened many doors that otherwise might have stayed shut, but his autistic tendencies were impairing his influence. As a friend, Kathy looked for ways to help him.

“What do I need to do?” Hugh asked her.

“Let’s start with the haircut. And then the clothes. Stripes don’t go with plaid, for instance. And you need pants that cover your socks, not to mention socks that match your pants. Try to use personal examples after you explain a spiritual/scientific principle so people can relate to what you’re saying. Oh, and Hugh, this is very important: look at people when you talk to them. It makes a huge difference.”

Kathy used a little more tact and grace than I’ve made it sound in this truncated form, but she remembers that Hugh literally took out a 3 x 5 card and wrote down notes as she talked. “Haircut. Clothes. Examples. Look people in the eye. Got it.”

Hugh went to Macy’s and asked the salesman to help him match clothes. He got a haircut, simply telling the hairdresser to make it look “normal.” He concentrated not just on what he was saying, but how he was saying it—including looking people in the eye.

The level of his impact took giant steps forward, which made Hugh all the more grateful to Kathy.

Kathy began to feel her heart moving romantically toward Hugh, but she told me she couldn’t imagine that a man of Hugh’s intellect and impact would be interested in her. Besides, with all the autistic stuff, how would that work out? Her heart was set first and foremost on serving God. “Heavenly Father,” she had often prayed, “If I could help anyone come to know you, that’s what I want to do.”

That’s why Kathy was so drawn to Hugh; she saw what Hugh was already doing on behalf of God’s work on earth, but even more she saw untapped potential if Hugh had just the right support. Perhaps she could reach more people helping Hugh than by sticking with her own ministry activities.

Hugh found his own heart yearning as well. In a matter-of-fact way typical of those on the autistic scale, his “romantic” invitation was as follows: “Kathy, I’d like to spend more time with you. With my studies and my work with the church, I have only one day off a week, but would you like to spend that one day off getting to know each other better?”

Believe it or not, that was enough to melt Kathy’s heart. They dated, got engaged, and have been married for decades, faithfully serving God together.

I described the “marriage is ballet” metaphor to Kathy and her eyes lit up; it describes her life. She found a brilliant but socially awkward man. By supporting, coaching, encouraging, and loving him, she has showcased his brilliance to the world. Many have come to embrace the Gospel because of Hugh’s witness and intellectual persuasion, others have had their faith solidified, and Kathy has been right beside Hugh the entire way.

What makes the Ross’ marriage work so well is that Hugh doesn’t fault Kathy for not being an astrophysicist and Kathy doesn’t expect Ross to act like a man who doesn’t have lingering effects of autism.

Hugh knows he wouldn’t be where he is without Kathy, and Kathy believes her life’s impact has been hugely enhanced by Hugh’s ministry, not diminished. She’s not embarrassed by his autism—she’s proud of how God is using him. She has devoted her life to showcasing him.

In short, this is a couple that cherishes each other and that builds each other up. Because they accepted what each other was and wasn’t, they actually became more than they would have been as individuals. They support, lift, turn and showcase each other, allowing their partner to shine at what he or she does best.

Rather than having their love diminished by each other’s imperfections, Kathy and Hugh cherish each other’s gifts, showcase those gifts, and thus enhance those gifts. Together, they marvel at what God has done; the two of them have become far more as a team than either one ever would have been as an individual.

The beautiful has become yet more beautiful.

This is the power of cherish.

 

In my new book Cherish: The One Word That Changes Everything for Your Marriage, I try to help both husbands and wives explore how they can better cherish each other this way. You and your husband can spend 2017 exploring a new kind of marriage—a cherishing marriage—as you learn what cherishing means and the power unleashed when we make good on our wedding vows not just to love each other, but to cherish each other.

See Cherish here!




Gary Thomas is a bestselling author and international speaker whose ministry brings people closer to Christ and closer to others. He unites the study of Scripture, church history, and the Christian classics to foster spiritual growth and deeper relationships within the Christian community.

He writes great blog posts here!

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