Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 141
January 24, 2017
10 Reasons You’ll Kick Yourself if You’re Not Signed up to My Newsletter
First, we updated the theme yesterday and changed up a whole ton of things. And it took FOREVER. So for the first weekday in I don’t know how long, I actually didn’t publish a post! (And I was amazed at how many people emailed me and asked if everything was okay. I guess people really do count on it! That’s good to know.)
There’s still a LOT of work in progress, especially for the mobile version. But one of the big things that we’re changing over the next few weeks is my whole email system.
Right now, if you sign up for my email list, you’ll get a freebie. Maybe it’s a course on how to connect with your husband, or it’s an ebook on how to bring sexy back, or it’s a printable on hobbies to do with your spouse.
Well, from now on, what I’m going to do is to have a whole resource library of free stuff that people who are signed up can access at any time! And I’ll have a bunch of free email courses there, too, that people can start at any time.
It’s not ready yet–but it’s in the works!
And so are a whole lot of other things.
But I want to tell you today why you really need to be signed up to my email list–rather than only reading the blog when you click a link online or remember to check!
1. Get Free Downloadables
They’ll come to you right away! In fact, if you sign up right now using this link, you’ll get my ebook 36 Ways to Bring Sexy Back to Your Marriage.
2. Get Access to Free Marriage Courses
I’ve got one ready right now–a 5-lesson course on how to connect emotionally with your husband. But we’re working on a whole bunch more. So if you want to take your marriage to the next level, just sign up! Then, whenever there’s a new course, you’ll find out, and you can go register.
And you’ll also be able to sign up to all the existing courses soon, too (It’s coming, I promise!)
3. Get Coupons and Discounts for my “Boost Your Libido” course!
One of the big reasons I’ve changed the blog lately is because I have a product launching February 9–my Boost Your Libido course! It’s a 10-module video based online course where you watch a teaching video, read the extra resources, and then work through the assignments at your own pace.
I wanted to be ready for the launch!
And my newsletter subscribers are going to get the chance to pre-order it at a reduced rate, AND get some extra freebies, too!
4. See More of Me on Video
Once a month I’m going to do a video update on what I’m thinking about the blog–the posts that were big, the posts I regret writing, or even the things I wished I’d stressed more.
5. Come with Me on our RV Trips!
Want to see where we’re traveling? In my newsletters I have more photos and updates from the churches where I’ve been–along with more personal updates in general. You’ll even be able to see more of my kids! One of my weekly emails every month will be dedicated from now on to the more personal side of the blog–and my life.
6. Get a Heads Up if I’m Ever Speaking in Your Area
MailChimp, my newsletter program that I use, is kinda sneaky. It keeps track of the GPS position of people when they open my newsletters. That sounds ultra creepy, but it’s not really. What it means is that I can send out newsletters to anyone who lives within 150 miles of somewhere that I’ll be speaking–so if I’m ever in your neck of the woods, you won’t miss me! I try to mention my engagements on the blog at times, but it’s easy to miss. But if you’re signed up, it will come right to your inbox.
7. You Won’t Miss a New Post
I know. It can be tedious checking blogs constantly to see if they’ve updated something. And what happens if you go away for a week and a fight breaks out in the comments and you missed it?
If you’re signed up, you don’t need to worry about missing posts as much. You’ll get a monthly roundup of all the best posts and the best reader questions, and you know that no hot topic will go unnoticed!
8. You’ll Uncover Some Great Stuff
I have over 2,500 posts on this site. I’ve been writing since 2008. That’s a LOT of material! And if you’ve only been reading for a few months, that’s probably a lot that you haven’t seen.
In my monthly emails, though, I certainly do send out the biggest posts of that month. But I also choose a topic or theme to talk about, and link to four or five older posts that you may never have seen. Some of the biggest posts on this blog were actually written in 2013!
9. Your Marriage Will Thank You
I spoke last week in Anaheim, and had so many women tell me how much my emails have meant to their marriage. When you sign up, you’ll get constant marriage encouragement. Sometimes we really need it!
10. I’ll Be Grateful.
Seriously. I would just plain appreciate it! It’s so much easier to tailor things in emails and to send stuff to people that they really want through email. And I do want to help.
Plus it makes me feel good when more people sign up. 
January 20, 2017
What’s Your “WHY” When It Comes to Budgeting?
I haven’t really talked about budgeting, because so many other websites do that so well.
I looked at why couples should share finances and why no spouse should ever have no access to money. We looked at how to ask some big picture questions about why we’re doing what we’re doing–do we really need this hectic lifestyle, or could we downsize? Do we really need to spend all that money on college, or are there other opportunities?
Today I want to ask another big picture question:
Sheila’s Marriage Musings: Do You Know WHY You’re Budgeting?
I’ve been watching Dave Ramsey videos non-stop as we’ve been touring the southwest in our RV (I’m down in California and Texas giving my Girl Talk!).
And one video in particular stood out to me. A caller to his radio show was at his wit’s end because his wife just wouldn’t get on board with budgeting and curbing her spending.
Instead of sympathizing with him, Dave Ramsey gave him a little bit of a talking to.
He said:
I think the mistake you’ve made is that you’ve talked about what to do and how to do it before you talked about why you’re doing it.
This is so true, and not just about finances, but in every area of life!
Let’s look at money for a moment. Why do we need to pay off debt? If you were to ask someone that question, chances are they’d say something like “because debt is bad”, or because “we’re tired of always being broke” or because “we don’t want the stress.” And all of that may be true.
But it’s not really motivating enough to make us change.
Let’s face it–you’ve known debt is bad your whole life, right? And people can learn to live with an incredible amount of stress, and start to feel like this is normal.
Instead, let’s ask this question:
What would we be able to do if we were millionaires? What would be able to do if we didn’t have to make any payments?
Becoming a millionaire is honestly not that difficult. It just takes discipline and starting as early as possible.
Business Insider has calculated that if you save $2 a day, or $60 a month, starting when you’re 20, you’ll be a millionaire by age 65. Start at 30, and it will be $6 a day or $200 a month. At 40, it’s $20 a day or $625 a month. Now, that’s assuming a 12% rate of return, which is the average for the stock market over the last 50 years, but it’s not like saving a large amount of money is impossible.
It is really hard, though, if you don’t know your why.
I know so many couples in financial trouble who are having the hardest time budgeting because budgeting is hard, it’s boring, and it feels like a punishment. We’ve been bad boys and girls so we’ve been sent to the corner until we can get this right.
But what if we could take a step back and ask, “why are we really doing this?”
It’s not just because you’ve been bad. You’re doing this so that one day you won’t have payments, and you’ll be able to go on vacations without feeling guilty. You’ll be able to help your kids out through school. You’ll be able to start that business you’ve always wanted to start.
Or, even better, you’ll be able to bless other people and really start supporting the causes and the people you love.
It’s not a punishment; it’s an opportunity!
One of the best things a couple can do is to figure out where they want to be in life–and then make a plan to get there.
If finances are an issue in your marriage, I invite you to take a look at these resources, too:Dave Ramsey’s Total Money Makeover
The Money Saving Mom’s Budget: Slash Your Spending, Pay Down Your Debt, Streamline Your Life, and Save Thousands a Year
What’s #1 at To Love, Honor and Vacuum?
There are lots of duplicates in the Tops this week (especially with this week’s posts!) so let’s look at some others. It’s all about marriage: finances, quality time, communication, and intimacy! This week has it all!
#1 Post on the Blog: My Husband Doesn’t Let Me Have Any Money
#2 on the Blog Overall: 20 Two Person Games To Play With Your Husband
#4 from Facebook: Life Is Too Short For Unresolved Arguments
#3 from Pinterest: 10 Simple Way To Put Sexy Back Into Your Marriage
So glad that my post on Monday was shared so much and went so far! That reader question from the woman with no access to money really saddened me, and far too many women are in that position. Let’s get the word out that it doesn’t have to be that way!
Keith and I are in the RV driving from California into Arizona today, on our way through to Texas eventually. I’m speaking in Arlington on Thursday night, and if you’re in the area, I’d love to see you!
Have a great weekend, everyone!
The post What’s Your “WHY” When It Comes to Budgeting? appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
January 19, 2017
How We’ve Built a Life For Ourselves Online
This semester I did something very brave–that actually didn’t turn out to be such a big deal at all.
I didn’t fuss when my youngest daughter decided she wanted to drop to part-time status at university so that she could start doing YouTube full-time.
In fact, I even encouraged her at it.
(here’s a typical video:)
A lot of her friends think she’s nuts, like it’s the equivalent of “I’m dropping out of school to work on my music” (though that’s not always a bad thing either!). But Katie’s earning enough money through her channel to support herself, and she feels as if God is opening doors for her to speak and minister, and those doors have a time limit. She can’t be talking to youth as well when she’s 29 with 2 kids as she can now. So she’s decided to take the plunge and throw herself into a business, and ministry, she’s created.
She’s not the only one.
Today my oldest daughter turns 22. (Happy birthday, Becca!)
Rebecca has always loved academics. She thrived with the debates and discussions we used to have at the dinner table, and when she went to university, her marks showed it. She graduated with almost a perfect GPA. She was on her way to grad school, to pursue a Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology.
And then in October she changed her mind too.
Rebecca would have made an awesome Clinical Psychologist–and she still may. She knows she can always go back to school later.
But she doesn’t HAVE to go to school to make a life for herself.
She has a successful blog in her own right, and she’s about to launch another one on how to succeed in college (or university to all of us Canadians!). She’s working for me half time and trying to build a business online half time, and I have no doubt that she can do it.
Her book, Why I Didn’t Rebel, is out next October, and she’ll be doing interviews and speaking events for that. And she wants to work from home, at a job that will allow her to eventually have kids without having to put them in day care for a large part of the day. She doesn’t want the stress of having to study and go to school while she also has little ones.
I have two Master’s degrees that I earned while my husband was in medical school (I needed to do something with my time, and scholarships were available!). And yet I’ve never used either degree in the workplace, because I ended up working from home. I started with writing magazine articles, and that turned into writing books and speaking, and that turned into this blog, which now takes the majority of my time. But I know that people can earn a living online, and that the traditional ways of earning money that we once faced are really gone.
It’s a new world.
Right now Keith and I are in California, in our RV.
I gave my “Girl Talk” where I talk sex & marriage last week in Anaheim, and I’ll be giving it again next Friday night in Arlington, Texas (get tickets here!). We travel about 3-4 months every year in the RV, speaking, sometimes together, and sometimes just me (we have a marriage retreat and several stand alone marriage talks we give as well). While Keith used to be the primary breadwinner, he’s cut back his time at the hospital and in his office substantially so he can be on the road with me, and it’s been wonderful.
The online world has changed our lives.
I’ve been talking this week about finances in marriage, and how to find that “oneness” even in this most difficult area.
But I guess today I just wanted to tell you a little bit of our stories to get the message out there that I’m so passionate about: financial security today does not rest in academic degrees nearly as much as it rests in perfecting a skill that someone else will pay for.
In some cases that requires an education. But in many cases it does not. I have hired so many people to help me on this blog and I have never once asked them about their academic background. I have only asked them for proof that they have the skills I need.
The problem with so many university degrees is that they give you absolutely zero marketable skills after you graduate (with the exception, I hope, of how to write well and get things done on time, which are both valuable skills in their own right).
And if you go into a ton of debt for those careers, it really may not be worth it in the long run. And yet often we do school because it’s the default. Guidance counsellors in schools will rarely tell you to try to start your own business. They’ll push you to university.
I think the university experience is a great one, and I’m glad both my girls have it. But I don’t think it’s worth tens of thousands of dollars in debt unless it’s a professional degree that you’re practically guaranteed a job with–especially because there are other options.
Yesterday I encouraged people to think outside the box: could you move to a cheaper community? Could you downsize? And now I just want to put in a plug in and say, “not everybody needs to get an expensive degree.” It’s more important to find a skill that you have that somebody else will pay for. And you can’t always find that at school.
Incidentally, periodically I write posts on a different blog and create courses (some free!) on how you can start a speaking career or a writing and blogging career and turn it into an income. If you’d like to be notified when those things come out, just sign up for my newsletter and make sure you check the “Work at Home/Blogging” option!
What do you think? Are you and your husband thinking outside the box for education/career? What have you decided to do? Let’s talk in the comments!
The post How We’ve Built a Life For Ourselves Online appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
January 18, 2017
Why Downsizing Can Be Worth It
Maybe we need to see it a different way!
Every Wednesday here at To Love, Honor and Vacuum we talk marriage. This whole week has been about finances in marriage, and today I want to take a step back and ask: could downsizing help your marriage? Let’s give you some fodder to think about and share with your husband!
Look at that picture of that house.
Small, isn’t it? And yet the majority of North American families in the 1950s lived in something that looked pretty much like that. After World War II, we radically expanded the idea of home ownership. Instead of renting, people bought these little houses, and they, by and large, thrived in them.
Was it tight? You betcha. Often three bedrooms with four or five kids, so 2-3 kids would have to share a bedroom. Bunk beds became major furniture items. The living room was small, so people sat on the couch and the floor to watch TV. Kids did homework at the dining room table.
My husband grew up in a house like that: four boys, one bathroom, small kitchen, under 1000 square feet. And they survived just fine.
In fact, I’ve heard it said that the quality of sibling relationship is inversely proportional to the size of the house.
The quality of sibling relationships is inversely proportional to the size of the house!
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The smaller the house is, the closer kids turn out to be, because they have to play together!
I think that may be true for families as well. When we first had our children we lived in a tiny apartment in downtown Toronto. The kids would get grumpy if we stayed in that confined space too long, so everyday we’d do an errand: the library; a playgroup; the YMCA; the museum on free days. We didn’t spend money, but we got out of the house. And when we went out, the kids had my total attention. They used up a ton of energy. Then, when we got home, they’d play together better and leave me alone a bit more.
When we moved to Belleville and lived in a medium sized house, suddenly it was easy not to go out everyday. And I noticed we were missing something important. So we resumed our habits of daily outings.
We had a great life when we lived in a small apartment, and we were able to save in those days for a small house. But the most important thing, to me, was that we were together more.
What if you’re missing out on relationships and family time that you could have because you’re focused financially on the wrong thing?
Could downsizing help relieve some stress--and give you more of the family time you want?
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Disposable income, you see, is directly related to expenses, and not just income. Lower the expenses, and a job is not as much of an issue. Increase the expenses, and you have to work–a lot.
Some of the thorniest reader questions that I get on this blog have to do with work. Someone’s working 60 hours a week at two different jobs, and someone else is working full time as well to pay off debt, and they have no time together and no time with their kids. Both of them work opposite shifts and have no time for sex. They’re in so much debt that they fight all the time and the kids are picking up on the tension.
Money problems can wreck marriage.
But money problems are largely the result of choices–choices that we make about what kind of life we want to live.
What if we could decide to live a smaller life? What if living small could actually help us to love much larger?
Let’s do a little thought experiment here to see what I mean. What was the quality of life like for people growing up in those tiny homes? Of course, so much depended on the family. But the size of the home was not necessarily bad because people adjusted. It was all they knew. Let’s also remember that in most parts of the world, far more people are squeezed into far smaller spaces than even that house represents. We are the strange ones, living with our huge homes. Our grandparents, in these small homes, were not strange. They were more the norm.
What did people do with less space? The kids played in the living room together, or in the basement. They didn’t hang out in their own rooms, away from their siblings. They went outside more since inside was cramped, and thus they got more exercise, even in the winter. They didn’t spend as much time on television, because families usually only had one, and sometimes Mom and Dad would want to watch their programs, and the kids had to scatter. They played board games together. They made Lego. They used their imagination.
And that was okay.
Do We Dream Big in the Wrong Way?
When you were 13, did you love bridal magazines? Did you stare at the pictures and imagine what your own wedding would be like? Many of us did. But many of us still do–we just replace the bridal magazines with Home & Garden, and we dream of a beautifully decorated, spacious home. We want to have “arrived”.
But what if that space and luxury comes at the expense of massive amounts of your time–or your husband’s time? And what if there’s another way to peace?
What if choosing to live in a smaller home could help you live a bigger life?
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We can surely survive on less than we think, and yet at the same time society is lecturing us that we need more–and we’re believing it.
What if We All Collectively Decided, “Enough”!
Imagine how we could change the culture if we just said, “Enough!”. Enough credit card debt. Enough working round the clock to afford all the latest gadgets and the big cars. Enough stress from living beyond one’s means. Enough of both of you working opposite shifts and never seeing each other.
Perhaps you need two incomes, or shift work, to get you to the minimum that you can afford a house, even a small one. That’s okay, as long as you’ve prayed about and you’re trying to meet your family’s NEEDS, not WANTS. But many of us are on a treadmill trying to meet WANTS, and it doesn’t work.
The Benefits of Downsizing
The best thing some people could do is to sell their home and downsize. Buy a used car instead of a new one. Eat out less. Learn to save money on the big things, like electricity, insurance, utilities, car payments. And learn to save money on the small things, like groceries, eating, shopping. Many women basically “earn an income” by staying at home and putting a lot of time into saving money!
Is downsizing fun? It can be! Think of it like a challenge to make the money last.
Give up some extracurricular activities with the kids, but replace it with fun family time, where you play family board games or have parties every week. Stop going out for dinner and have people over more. All of these things are “fun”.
Our society cannot go on with so many living beyond their means. We are crushed in debt at every level–personal, state, federal. We have built a beautiful society, but it is built on sand. One day it will come crashing down, as it has already begun to. That’s why, when I was raising our kids, one of my biggest aims was to teach them how not to need a lot of stuff. And they both are the best thrift store shoppers and budgeters and planners that I know!
But let’s go beyond just saving money. Let’s ask: can you change your lifestyle so that you can actually enjoy life more?
Can you downsize your house so you’re not as burdened by debt?
Can you move to a cheaper neighbourhood?
Can you move to a whole different city where the cost of living is much lower?
Can you or your husband stop working an insane job and start a small business that you’ve always to?
Can you drastically reduce your expenses so that you don’t need to do the shift work anymore?
Because it all comes down to this:
Can money be the vehicle that you help others with, instead of something you’re always desperately worried about?
For some it’s a hard switch, because you’re already living bare to the bone. For many of us, though, we just need to change our habits.
Tell me in the comments what you think. Have you ever downsized? Have you ever chosen to forego something big? What did it feel like? Let us know!
The post Why Downsizing Can Be Worth It appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
January 17, 2017
10 Reasons Married Couples Should Share Finances
I asked on Facebook recently whether people kept joint back accounts or separate ones, and quite a few people said that they kept separate accounts.
They either divide expenses down the middle, or they delegate certain expenses to certain people. They may have a joint account for some things, but much of their money is separate.
And I think this is becoming more and more common, especially when both people work. Yesterday I was talking about how dangerous it was for one spouse to have no access to money, which most commonly occurs when one spouse is at home with the kids and one works. The one who works outside the home feels that the money is theirs to decide what to do with, since they earn it.
Wrong. And it’s just as wrong when both people make money outside the home.
I’ve been binge watching Dave Ramsey YouTube videos lately, and he says some great stuff about marriage. And when it came to sharing finances, he’s adamant.
“When you try to do a joint venture instead of a marriage, that’s when things get messed up.”
When you try to do a joint venture instead of a marriage, things get messed up. - @daveramsey
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Now, that doesn’t mean that you can’t have separate bank accounts for certain things. But you have to be able to make a financial plan TOGETHER when you each consider all the money to be family money, in my opinion.
So today, for Top 10 Tuesday, let’s look at 10 reasons why it’s important that the couple consider all money “theirs”, not “his” and “hers”–even if they do keep multiple accounts for different reasons.
Why married couples should share finances–the Big Picture reasons
1. You are one when you’re married–so you are one with money, too!
The whole purpose of marriage is that you now are one…. Married couples are found to be more dissatisfied when they don’t pool their finances. And couples who pool at least 80% of their income are happier than couples who pool 70% or less. This stuff matters.
2. Sharing finances means you’ve jumped “all in” to the marriage
When people hold back their money, it’s almost as if they’re holding back part of themselves. It’s like we’re saying, “I need this money in case our marriage doesn’t work,” or “I’m holding on to this because I need to still have independence.”
If you’re worried the marriage won’t work, or if you still need independence, you shouldn’t have gotten married.
And studies have repeatedly shown that couples who fully commit then create love. The simple act of commitment often makes people act more lovingly, because they know they’re in this for life. So don’t hold back!
3. Total transparency comes from shared finances, not split finances
Marriage means total transparency. You shouldn’t be keeping things from each other, because that builds distance. If you don’t know about your spouse’s financial situation, that’s not good for your marriage, besides being dangerous if one of you is ever incapacitated or hurt and the other needs access quickly.
Why married couples should share finances–the practical reasons
10 reasons married couples should SHARE FINANCES--it's a huge deal.
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4. If you share finances, you don’t have to keep track of “his” and “hers” expenses
I know a couple who keeps completely separate finances. They even have “his” car and “her” car. But this can lead to needless stress over the smallest of things.
For instance, they got in a squabble once when his car was in the garage, but they had to take a four hour drive out of town because his family was having a reunion. So they took her car. But when it came to gas, who should pay? He said it was her car; she said it was his family.
I listened, flabbergasted, because I can’t imagine ever having to negotiate this stuff, since everything Keith and I have ever had is “ours”. And thus we avoid these squabbles entirely.
5. Sharing finances allows you to budget easily
When you share finances, you have something called a “household income”. You can then look at that number and decide together what your spending should be. If, on the other hand, you each keep separate finances and contribute a certain amount into a pool every month, or divide up the bills to be paid, then it’s much harder to keep a lid on spending and make some long term goals.
Incidentally, having a “household income” does not mean that you can’t allocate money for you to spend as you see fit. I’ll let my daughter chime in here on what they do:
Rebecca Gregoire Lindenbach–living on a shoestring while building a business and putting her husband through school
Connor and I jumped right into the joint account life from the beginning for a ton of reasons–but a large one was the accountability when it comes to spending.
We live on next to nothing month-to-month–and a lot of that is because I’m starting an online business while putting Connor through school, and he won’t be certified for his profession for another 2-3 years! So from the beginning of our marriage we got used to sitting down at the beginning of every month, looking through our finances, and deciding how much money we realistically could spend. While we were both in school, we would each get a $50 bill out at the bank at the beginning of the month and use that and that alone for all spending money, eating out, clothes, and the like for the month.
We didn’t have much wiggle room. Having separate bank accounts would have made it that much harder to see what we actually had to spend as well as how much we were spending. Having our money pooled together showed us the big-picture of what we were doing with our money, and alleviated the guilt of spending wisely! Since we had decided together how much we could afford, we were free to spend that money however we saw fit, so I didn’t need to feel terrible about getting a Starbucks once in a while. Connor actually saved up almost all of his spending money for a few months and bought himself a PS4, something we never could have afforded outright! It has really helped us be mindful of what we’re buying and how it’s impacting not only “my” money, but our lives. Because to us that’s what it’s about–money is merely a tool to build up our future together, so why not just do it together in the first place?
6. Sharing finances allows you to make retirement goals
One day neither of you will be working. And retirement savings needs to be coordinated. How much do we need, together? For tax purposes, who should have the most in a 401K?
If you are each contributing for retirement separately, though, it’s much harder to coordinate these goals. And the one who is more of a saver could easily resent the one who is more of a spender and isn’t contributing as much. When you have a household budget that includes a line for “retirement savings”, this is much easier to negotiate. Which is probably why couples who share finances tend to save more!
7. Sharing finances allows you to save for short-term goals
Let’s not just look at the long-term, though. What if you decide that it would be really nice to take the family on a cruise in two years. How do you budget for that? Do you each have to contribute equally? What if it’s more important to one than the other? Again, when you share finances and have a shared budget, these decisions are easier to make.
8. If you share finances, you get a heads up if someone’s in trouble
What if someone has a gambling problem, or a spending problem? What if someone is doing something they shouldn’t be doing and leading a double life? It’s much harder for these things to become issues if the finances are shared and open. And when being secretive isn’t that easy, it often takes away the temptation for many of these things which could all too easily become addictions. It’s just accountability–and it works!
9. Sharing finances means there’s not an automatic spirit of “doing your share”
When you’re splitting finances, there’s this underlying assumption that you each should “do your share”. That leads to a dynamic where the goal is “fairness”. Any time in a marriage where you’re trying to measure if someone is doing their share, there will be tension, because people tend to value their own efforts more. If she earns more money, does that mean that she only has to contribute the same amount he makes, and she can keep the rest? If he gets a raise, does he have to share it with her? If he’s working overtime, should she have to work overtime, too? If she goes back to work, does childcare have to completely come out of her income?
If you’re always trying to keep things fair, then the focus will always be on what is right for me, rather than what is right for the family. In fact, that’s so important let’s make it into our last point:
10. Sharing marriage finances leads to a family focus, not a self focus
I know a couple who, when they got married, assumed that they would each contribute a certain amount of money to the household each month.
But then she got pregnant. And somehow the expectation that she should keep contributing money didn’t go away. He didn’t suddenly start paying “her” bills (the ones they had allotted to her, like electricity) just because she had just delivered a baby. So when the baby was very young, she had Grandma baby-sit and went back to work. Meanwhile he was spending a lot of money on fishing trips, because he was still contributing “his share”.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 says:
Two are better than one,
because they have a good return for their labor:
10 If either of them falls down,
one can help the other up.
But pity anyone who falls
and has no one to help them up.
One of the benefits of marriage is that someone has our back! If one person goes through a period of unemployment, the other steps in and helps. If one is sick (or just delivered a baby!), the other one covers. In fact, “specialization” is one of the things that brings the most happiness and satisfaction to married couples vs. other kinds of couples. When you are totally committed and “all-in” to the relationship, then you can each start to do what you do best, rather than having to act the same way you did before you were married. So if one makes more money, they can work more while the other is home with the kids. And it works out better for everyone.
Want to start budgeting together and start sharing the family’s finances? Here are some resources that can help!
Dave Ramsey’s EveryDollar app–helps you build a budget together and stick to it.Dave Ramsey’s YouTube channel. I often watch these videos when I’m making dinner. Great information there!
The Money Saving Mom’s Budget: Slash Your Spending, Pay Down Your Debt, Streamline Your Life, and Save Thousands a Year
The post 10 Reasons Married Couples Should Share Finances appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
January 16, 2017
Reader Question: My Husband Doesn’t Let Me Have Any Money
What do you do if your husband controls the money–and you don’t have any spending money at all?
Every Monday I like to post a reader question and take a stab at answering it. This week we’re going to be delving into marriage and finances, and we’re starting off with this question from a stay-at-home mom whose husband won’t give her an “allowance”:
I would love to read your thoughts on the working spouse giving the stay-at-home variety an allowance. I am a stay-at-home mom and I homeschool our 2 kids. I no longer have time to do freelance work, so I rely on my husband to provide financially 100%.
He works very hard, and though we don’t have a lot of disposable income, what we do have of it goes to his hobbies. I have asked in the past for an “allowance” so that I can pursue the things that I enjoy, but he has told me that we can’t budget for it. I understand it from a certain perspective because he is self-employed and our income varies from month to month; but on the other hand, when I have seen him put a certain amount towards his hobbies, I ask for a comparable amount, too, and he gets defensive.
Maybe that isn’t the best way to ask for some spending money, but every way I’ve tried seems a dead end. I think that if we are partners in life, money should be included in the partnership. We have been married just under 10 years, and I have tightened the belt on pursuing my own interests so that he can pursue his, and to avoid arguments. I know that, as a Christian, I am not entitled to anything, and anything I do have is by God’s generous provision, but I still feel our relationship is unbalanced in this area.
Oh, dear.
This question is one that instinctively sets off all kinds of alarm bells in my head. I’ve seen this dynamic too much in marriages around me of people that I love, and it is just plain wrong.
Let’s just look at a few things this reader has said:
I have asked for an allowance
He has told me we can’t budget for it
I ask for a comparable amount
Maybe this isn’t the best way to ask for some spending money
Do you see what the problem is here?
He controls the money, and she has to ask for it.
That is dangerous. That is wrong. That goes against the gospel.
To set up a marriage where the husband controls all the money goes against the gospel.
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When you are married, you become one flesh. Included in the old wedding vows were “all my worldly goods to thee I endow.” You’re now a single, economic entity. He does not own the money, and she does not own the money. The marriage covenant means that you own it together.
And yet in far too many marriages, he controls the finances and she doesn’t even have access to them.
If she has to ask for money, then I’m going to assume that she doesn’t have access to the bank accounts. I have seen so many couples where this is the case. He makes the money, so the money goes into a bank account that he controls, and that doesn’t even have her name on it. If she wants money, she has to ask for cash for groceries or for any other household needs.
Besides being very dangerous and foolhardy, since she would be in dire straits if anything ever happened to him, it sets up the marriage where he is above her. He makes the financial decisions, and then decides if he will listen to her input, and she has no way around it, because she does not have access to money.
Now, I believe that sometimes a spouse needs to be cut off from access to the main bank account if that spouse has broken trust and wracked up gambling debts or has credit card bills. Some spouses cannot be trusted with money, and need to take time to confront their addictions and prove that they are trustworthy to handle money.
But to set up a system from the beginning where they feel that the money is “his”, and he is doing her a favour by letting her have some of it, is just simply evil.
It is.
To set up a marriage where the wife has no access to money is just simply evil.
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I know that sounds harsh. But we’re talking about a marriage here, where we are supposed to be one flesh. We aren’t talking about a master-servant relationship or a father-child relationship. We’re talking about a marriage. So what do we define as evil? Anything that goes against God’s plan. In this case, God’s plan is for two people to be one flesh–not for the one to be dependent on the other.
When the husband withholds finances, he becomes a “saviour” in a sense for the wife. She depends on him for everything. She has no money for food, transportation, clothes, or shelter without him. He becomes her benevolent dictator–he has all the power. That is against God’s plan. Therefore, I believe it is evil. For someone to believe that the money is more theirs than their spouse’s means that someone does not believe in the covenant of marriage as God intended. And that means that they are turning away from God. And when we do that–then, yes. It’s evil.
I just want to say to this woman–you seem to feel guilty for wanting some money.
You said,
I know that, as a Christian, I am not entitled to anything, and anything I do have is by God’s generous provision, but I still feel our relationship is unbalanced in this area.
You sound like you’re trying to make excuses for feeling badly about this.
But it’s not that you’re being selfish. It’s that you’re sensing something is seriously off. That’s not selfishness. That’s good discernment!
(I just watched this Dave Ramsey video where he said something similar. It’s actually addressed to guys, but the point he makes is that marriages only do well when they set the finances TOGETHER. And in the very last minute of the video he calls the whole idea of a wife having an allowance ridiculous).
So what would I do if my husband controlled the money?
I would first insist that I had a bank card and full access to the money. If he refused, then I would do what Matthew 18:15-17 says, and talk to someone in the church that we both respect and ask them to mediate. If he still refused, then I would take it to a pastor or elder (assuming that your pastor or elder does not believe that the husband should have full control over the money–which, again, is an evil doctrine).
After that, I would ask him, “can we sit down and make a budget together, because I want to make sure that we’re meeting our financial goals and that I’m being responsible with our money.”
And then I would make a budget (Dave Ramsey’s EveryDollar.com app is great for this!). And included in that budget would be spending money for both husband and wife. I’d suggest getting that money out in cash at the beginning of the month, so it’s understood that you each can do whatever you want with that amount of money. But if you want to spend more than that, then you have to consult the other, since it will have to come out of another item on the budget.
UPDATE: As Ashley pointed out so well in the comments, this may not always work because quite often a man controlling the money is simply financial abuse–and Matthew 18 does not work with abusive men. If you have tried to talk to him and tried this and he won’t budge, then you are in an abusive marriage. Please call an abuse hotline and talk to a lawyer and find out what your rights are. When you are married, all property is held in common. You have rights to that money. If he will not give any to you, then you really do need to treat it like abuse. I’m so sorry.
If she has no spending money, then every dollar that he spends will create a conflict.
It’s just such a huge imbalance of power, and it will get ugly. She’ll feel resentment, even if she tries not to, because she’s being treated like a child when she’s an adult.
His marriage will be so much better if he treats her as an equal financial partner–which is what she is. They are a team, working together towards common goals.
Denying your spouse access to money, and treating it like it’s “your” money instead of the family’s money, is just plain wrong. I knew a man who have refused to divulge their family’s finances or the debt load. The wife had to legally separate just to get a court order demanding that he reveal the finances (the wife didn’t want to separate; she just did that to get access to the information, so that she could make a plan to take care of the kids, since he was overspending so badly.) If he had just let her in in the first place, none of that would have needed to happen.
Tomorrow I’ll be talking about why it’s important that a couple share finances, whether they both work or not, but today I just wanted to address this slightly different issue when the husband controls the money. Not okay. Ever. And it needs to stop.
Have you ever been in a situation where you had no access to money? Or do you know friends in that situation? Let’s talk in the comments!
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January 13, 2017
Life is Too Short for Unresolved Arguments
If you missed some of the posts on how to resolve conflict, please read this one on the one reason we can never fix marriage problems. It’ s SO important that couples get this concept!
I wanted to give someone else the last word today, though. Some of my long-time readers may know a commenter who simply went by “P”. He was an older gentleman–in his 70s. And he read this blog faithfully, and always left the kindest comments. He left a total of 129 of them, and they were always about how much he loved his wife, loved his God, and was so grateful for his marriage. He even wrote about how great sex was when you truly loved each other, even in the senior years. Here’s a typical one:
[another commenter] mentions Eph 5, 21-24 and this does ask women to submit to their husbands, but people then do not read on further. Verses 25-33 detail the sort of husband he should be, he must be prepared to die for his wife should it be necessary just as Jesus died for His church. He must put her needs before his own. For years I did not follow these verses, and as a human, I fail from time to time, but since I have sincerely tried to follow these instructions our marriage has become stronger and I appreciate God’s gift of the woman I love more and more. I thought our marriage was good from day 1 but it is so much better now. We both have health problems but it is sheer joy to look after each other and encourage each other and our love grows daily.
He hinted in that comment about his health problems. He left his last comment on July 16. Shortly thereafter he emailed me and asked to be removed from my newsletter list, since he was in the final stages of cancer and would be transitioning to palliative care.
I don’t know if he’s gone to be with the Lord yet (I don’t even know his name! I only know he’s Canadian). But he was (is?) a wonderful encourager, and I so appreciated him.
And so I thought it would be fitting to let him have the last word today. Shortly before that last email, he sent me this note:
As a senior 73, wife 70, I have had a thought which never crossed my mind when I was in that age group. That is simply that our time on earth is limited. Although none of us knows how long we have to live, at our ages time is obviously limited.
The point is that as life is short is it really worth falling out with your spouse and getting all upset with each other? Or is it not better to work TOGETHER to sort out differences? Then however many days of marriage are left each and every one could and should be filled with as much love, joy and happiness as is within their power to give to each other. Can you think of anything more terrible than that your spouse should die after you have had an unresolved argument? What a memory to bear for the rest of your life.
My wife and I are happier now than we have ever been, despite health problems from time to time. Our love for each other is deepening and we both strive to meet each other’s needs constantly.
Gloomy thoughts to be sure but maybe such thoughts could encourage reconciliation before it is too late in every area of marriage.
Thank you, P. And may God be with your wife and family right now, and may He bless them for the blessing that you have always been.
What’s #1 at To Love, Honor and Vacuum?
We have so much to look at this week in the Tops! Here are some great tips on how to spend time with your hubby as well as some other important topics. Check it out!
#1 Post on the Blog: 10 Ways To Talk So Your Husband Will Hear
#1 on the Blog Overall: Top 10 Tips For Initiating Sex With Your Husband
#1 from Facebook: “Do Not Deprive” Roundup
#2 from Pinterest: An Awesome List Of 79 Hobbies To Do With Your Spouse
Thanks everybody for tuning in! I’m in California right now, sitting in our RV.
I’m taking a reader out to lunch today who won “dinner with me” in a contest I did a while back! She’s been waiting for me to get to California to join her. And then tomorrow night I’m giving my Girl Talk at Bethany Christian Reformed Church in Bellflower (near Los Angeles). Get tickets here, and I hope to see you!
And remember: we’re booking for Girl Talks in late spring and for next fall (where we’ll go anywhere! We haven’t made up our mind yet where the tour will go, it depends where all the bookings are for). So email my assistant Tammy if you want more information! I’d love to meet more of you!
The post Life is Too Short for Unresolved Arguments appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
January 12, 2017
How I Learned to Stop Giving the Silent Treatment in My Marriage
We’ve been talking about conflict resolution this week, and getting communication to be stronger and healthier than it was before. I really believe this is so important as we’re starting off the New Year–everyone’s pumped about improving themselves and their lives and where’s a better place to start than with our marriages?!
So today we’re talking about the silent treatment. Ladies, hear me out–the silent treatment is not a wise move when trying to communicate something to your husband. If you’re in the middle of conflict, it’s not going to help at all. And Britney does a great job of explaining why.
My husband and I had been married for about a year when we were driving home from a family function. The drive took about 15 minutes and we sat in silence…the whole way home!
The reason for this (I cannot remember exactly) was basically because he either didn’t talk enough or he talked too much. That was the constant argument we battled after every time we met up with my family.
He comes from a vocal family, where they say they’re mad and why. I, on the other hand, come from parents that are masters of the silent treatment.
We had gone through some small arguments when we were dating but I wasn’t prepared for the difference when we got married. Every time a subject came up that I didn’t agree with, I would shut down, sealing my mouth tight and pasting a scowl on my face. Looking back, I feel a bit of shame at it but the past is over.
Here’s what he taught me about the silent treatment:
I needed to grow up
Communication seems to be a dying art. With technology now, there are so many ways to communicate without saying anything. And yet, not saying anything can be the biggest mistake you make in your marriage.
The silent treatment isn’t for adults. It shouldn’t be for anyone, and especially not for long-term. Kids might sulk and pout but within minutes or a few hours, they’ve forgotten why they were so mad. When adults fight like this, it usually grows for days or even weeks. Can you imagine having to deal with a sulking kid for that amount of time? Don’t be the person that everyone avoids because you’re so mad.
Using the silent treatment is something you do when you want to “punish” someone for something they did or said. But you shouldn’t be punishing people in this way for disagreeing with you or even pointing out flaws you have.
Grow up and talk through your problems. It might be a miscommunication that can be cleared up in a matter of minutes. Or it could be an opportunity to work on something together.
The silent treatment creates distance instead of unity
Marriage involves a lot of decisions, big and small. The small ones may not seem like a big deal but each choice you make as a married couple, helps to prepare you for any of the bigger decisions that come your way.
Talking to my husband is something that I now look forward to. We have different viewpoints on some things but we’ve gotten to the point where we have more similar opinions. He’s like a sounding board or a place I can vent about the little things that I’m going through and vice versa.
The silent treatment would stop all of that. It would take those little decisions and put up a wall. The trust in our relationship would be smaller and we would be on a course away from each other instead of towards one another.
I’m not saying that you need your spouse to help you decide on what breakfast cereal to eat or what to wear for the day. I’m saying that talking about whatever can help you decide the little things together.
Don’t give up a day of valuable conversation for your pride. The closer you are to your spouse and the closer you are to God, you will know how to make those decisions and have a more fulfilled life.
It hurts more people than just your spouse
There were times my parents wouldn’t speak to each other for a week or two at a time. Picture a young child or a teenager trying to get through life and your role models aren’t speaking to one another. You end up being the go between for the thoughts and questions of each parent until they finally work out their differences, or just forget about them without acknowledging it. The issues are never resolved and then more compound on top, making the next disagreement even worse.
If you have children, imagine their life as adults. Do you want them to act the same with their spouse? If that is how you react to things that cross you, that is what they will learn and will be the only thing they know from years of conditioning on it.
Not only is it uncomfortable for children, your friends and other family that are around you can feel uncomfortable. One spouse will talk to one person about the problem while the other does the same to someone else. In the end, the problems are being talked about but with the wrong people!
It’s all about progress
Obviously we don’t have it perfect yet, but we’ve made a lot of progress. By my husband showing me that he would love me no matter what I thought or how I felt, I was able to understand that it was okay to speak my mind. No, it didn’t happen overnight. It didn’t even happen in a year! But overtime, I realized that talking was the way to make things easier and get past disagreements faster.
Have you been guilty of using the silent treatment in your marriage? What are some communication mistakes you’ve made?
Britney Mills co-writes with her husband over at Marriage & Family Strong. She is wading through life with a 3yo and triplets and loves to curl up with a book. Warm chocolate chip cookies are her weakness and volleyball is her new favorite thing. Someday she’ll travel the world with her family.
Is your husband the one who gives the silent treatment? Maybe try sharing this post with him (in love, of course). Say something like, “When you shut down and refuse to talk to me, it really hurts me and it hurts our marriage. I want a marriage where I can be intimate with you, feel connected, and where we’re an unstoppable power-team. Can you please read this post about the silent treatment, and we can talk about some ways we can fix this negative cycle we’ve gotten into?” Remember to always frame it positively, because in a marriage you’re working together, not against one another.
The post How I Learned to Stop Giving the Silent Treatment in My Marriage appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
January 11, 2017
Wifey Wednesday: The One Big Trick to Resolving Marriage Problems
We’ve been talking all week about how to have more productive conversations with our husbands, so that we each understand each other and feel heard.
I talked about getting our hearts right in the beginning: checking ourselves and believing the best of our spouse. Then yesterday we looked at 10 ways to talk so your husband will hear.
Today I want to talk about one of the most important concepts when it comes to marriage problems that I’ve ever discussed. Seriously, if we could get this right–we could change everything! When Keith and I share this when we’re speaking at marriage conferences, people all of a sudden grab that pen and start taking notes.
So I hope you’re listening.
(All of this is taken from Thought #7 of my book 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, and if you are struggling with this in your marriage, please pick up the book! It teaches what I’m saying here in much greater depth, and it will help you resolve those marriage problems without attacking each other!)
Here goes: usually when we’re talking about resolving conflict, we think of it as a difference of opinion: he sees the world one way, and she sees it another way.
As soon as you frame your marriage problems like that, you set yourselves up where one of you will win and one of you will lose.
Then the goal becomes convincing the other person that they are wrong.
That’s antagonistic. It’s ugly. And it’s often really counterproductive.
If you frame a marriage problem as 'you're wrong about this,' you've lost already. No more…
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And it’s one reason that husbands often shy away from those important conversations–and why we may, too! We don’t want to feel attacked. One husband who commented last week wrote this:
During the first 20+ years of marriage, when my wife would say “we need to talk”, she had no intention of either listening to or understanding my point of view. “We need to talk” was code for “I need to tell you how I think you should behave or act”. Expressing my opinion would be met with an initial attempt to convert me to her point of view. If unsuccessful, she would unleash a verbal attack, both guns blazing. After a few such “discussions” where I left feeling like a defendant whose testimony and credibility had been shredded to pieces by a skilled cross-examination, “we need to talk” was a signal for me to withdraw to my office.
What if there were a better way?
Let’s look at specific marriage problem and see how it could be solved WITHOUT attacking each other and without one person winning and one losing.
Here’s the scenario: The husband’s dad passed away six months ago, and his mom, who has always been a little fragile, isn’t coping well. She doesn’t have a great support system. While she’s still relatively healthy and living in her home, there are lots of things she can’t do well–fixing up the house, raking leaves, shovelling snow. Plus she’s been overwhelmed with all the paperwork from her husband’s death.
She’s dealt with it by calling her son constantly to ask him to come over and help. For the last few months, his weekends have been eaten up by his mom.
At the same time, he and his wife have three young children under the age of 6 who no longer see their dad.
What should this couple do?
In the typical “resolving conflict” approach to this marriage problem, this is what would normally happen:
The wife comes to the husband and says:
We never see you anymore! You’re at work all week, and then you’re always with your mom. We need you, too! When are you going to spend some time with us and start being a husband again! You have more responsibilities than just to your mom!
What is the issue in this situation, according to the wife?
The husband spends too much time with the mom.
What will happen to this couple if they then have a heated discussion about this? They’ll end up debating how much time he should spend with his mom, and they will each feel attacked.
What if the underlying marriage problem here isn’t actually how much time he spends with his mom?
What if they’ve just defined the issue wrong?
Here’s what I suggest: Instead of seeing the issue as the thing that you disagree about, recognize that every time you get upset at each other, it’s because you have unmet needs.
Instead of framing a marriage problem as something you disagree about, frame it as unmet needs.
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The issue is not how much time he spends with his mom. The issue is that they both have unmet needs.
In this case, hers are likely loneliness and worrying that she’s not a priority. His are guilt over feeling like he’s a good enough son, likely with some grief for his dad thrown in.
What would happen if instead of debating how much time he should spend with his mom, this couple instead just talked about their unmet needs?
They could then brainstorm, “how can we help her feel less lonely and know that she’s a priority to him?” They could talk about starting a weekly date night, even if it’s just an at home date night. They could talk about starting a hobby they do together in the evenings. They could talk about texting more throughout the day. They could talk about reserving some weekends for family activities.
Then they could talk about his needs. How can she help him minister to his mom? Maybe she can go with his mom to some women’s events at church. Maybe they could have his mom over for dinner more. Maybe he could talk to a counselor about his grief over his dad, or take a weekend just to himself to pray.
And as they talked about these things, likely they’d work out a schedule that worked for both of them, because they’re acknowledging: you have a right to feel the way you do, and we can fix this together!
Instead of it being a him vs. her, it’s now an “us” issue–what can we do to help each other? It’s a totally different dynamic! And it’s changed the way that Keith and I handle conflict, and how we see these issues, too.
Last week a commenter gave an example that was really very similar. She said:
My husband and I have a pretty good marriage. We get along pretty well, share the same values. But he flat out refuses to talk about some things. He never ever helps me with our budget, he’s almost completely uninvolved in homeschooling our kids.
I’ve asked any way you can think of for us to talk about these important life issues. I don’t start out nagging. I try to be excited and open and happy.we got in a huge argument this weekend about it.
We finally talked a little, but it was me showing him the budget I’ve already made for the year. He didn’t give any input whatsoever. I told him i was putting my foot down. He needed to talk because this is too much on my plate.
He opened up and told me that my budget confuses him. I keep track of our spending in kind of a weird way. I don’t keep a register. It works for me. But it confuses him. He told me he needs to see all the transactions. Neither of us are wrong, we just need to work together so were on the same page. All these years of arguments about the budget and he needs to see all the transactions laid out. Its such a simple fix!
Do you see how things changed when instead of the issue being “you’re not making a budget or sticking to a budget”, it became, “what do we each need in order to make a budget that works for both of us?”
I don’t know what marriage problems you’re having right now, or what issues you’re facing.
But do you think you could try to reframe those issues and try instead to identify the unmet needs you both have? Just see how it can change the whole tone of the conversation!
I have so much more about this in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage–including what to do if the needs that he’s expressing aren’t really legitimate (like he’s saying I need complete privacy, or I need to have the freedom to watch anything I want online). Start your path to healthier conflict here!
Let me know in the comments: is there an issue that you go round and round on, and never resolve? Do you think framing it like this could be helpful?
The post Wifey Wednesday: The One Big Trick to Resolving Marriage Problems appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
January 10, 2017
10 Ways to Talk So Your Husband Will Hear
This week at To Love, Honor and Vacuum talking about how to talk so that he can listen. Last week I wrote a post on what to do when your husband refuses to talk about something important, and so many people asked for follow up that I’ve decided to dedicate this whole week to it!
Yesterday I looked at how to begin with the right foundation–make sure you’re at least letting him know what you need if you feel like he doesn’t understand you.
Now we’re going to assume you’ve done that–but he still doesn’t seem to be hearing. Now what do you do?
Today, for Top 10 Tuesday, I’m going to give you 10 tips on how to have fruitful conversations so that he CAN hear you!
1. Try Talking Side by Side
One reader wrote this:
I have found that when we are walking side by side – in the dark – , or driving side by side in the car (preferably in the dark!) – he is often much more open.
Looking into someone’s eyes is very vulnerable, and can be uncomfortable. It’s often easier to have difficult conversations while you’re driving or while you’re in the dark!
2. Set up a regular connection time
The scariest words to a guy are often “Honey, can we talk tonight?”
But if you have a regular time when you already check in and chat about the day, then it’s not as intimidating. Try taking 15 or 20 minutes everyday and sharing your highs/lows. That helps you feel understood, and helps both of you feel connected. And then you have a natural time to bring up other things if they need to be discussed.
3. Respond to HIS cues
Start listening–and probing–when your husband opens up! When he starts to talk about something important, make it a habit to ask follow-up questions so that you draw him out, help him to process his own thoughts, and help him to feel understood.
For instance, if he says, “what a busy day today! Totally stressful.” You can ask, “oh, no! What happened?” And as he tells the story, keep following up with questions. Then, after that, it’s often quite natural to start sharing some of your own frustrations.
4. Ask him his long term goals
Sometimes we get so caught up in our own version of what makes a great marriage that we forget that he may have a different one! Ask him what he wants the marriage to look like in five years. Ask him what he wants the kids to know in five years. Brainstorm together about your goals, and then you can start asking, “okay, if that’s what we want, what are we going to do to get there?” Problem solving mode is a healthy conversation model–and often quite a fun one.
Want more help with this? Download my visioning together printables!
5. Ask him what he feels about the situation
Don’t rush in and give him your whole opinion and analysis of the situation. First ask him what he thinks, and really listen. This doesn’t mean that your opinion isn’t important, or even that it’s less important. It’s just that often we’ve put a ton of thought into something that wasn’t even on his radar. If we begin the conversation and say everything that we’ve already thought about it, we run the risk of steamrolling him.
Instead, let him talk and give his ideas before you unload everything you’ve been thinking.
6. Want him to listen to you? Ask him what’s most important to him!
Let’s say that you’re really super frustrated because he never seems to be fully “there” when he’s at home. So you feel like he doesn’t care about you (or maybe even the kids).
You could launch into a conversation about how much he’s disappointed you. But honestly, that’s not likely to result in him listening to you well or you feeling heard, because it will sound like an attack.
But what if you could find a win-win?
What if you said something like,
I feel sometimes like you’re not fully here when you’re home, and that makes me sad, because I want you to feel like home is really a haven. So what are two or three things that I can do to make our home feel more like a haven to you?
And after you’ve talked about that, then you can say, “Great! Let me start to do that. Now, here are two or three things that would really help me: how about if every night we spend 20 minutes having a cup of tea together and talking about our day? Or how about you do the bedtime routine with one of the kids every night, so they have special Daddy-kid time?”
Now you’ve each listened and you’ve each valued each other.
7. Feel hurt? Ask him to clarify!
What if you’re having one of these conversations, though, and your husband comes out with something that’s really hurtful?
One woman wrote this last week:
Similarly, as a wife who often doesn’t want to talk because lately my husband seems to discount my opinions on the little things so how can I trust him to have a real conversation? When I tell him what I want for Christmas and he rolls his eyes and thinks it’s silly, it hurts, but it’s bearable. If I tell him how I feel about something important and he has the same reaction, it breaks my heart. :-(. I’ve told him this a hundred times, but he still doesn’t get it.
Explaining that you’re hurt isn’t working. But let’s back the truck up a second.
Let’s say you explain how you’re feeling and he rolls his eyes. You can feel hurt and explain how he’s made you feel (and you’ll likely be emotional while you’re saying this), or you can say this:
I notice that you’re rolling your eyes. That gives me the impression that you think what I just said is silly. Do you think I’m being silly?
Before you accuse him of thinking you’re silly, then, just check in with him if this is what he does think! Chances are he’ll say, “No, I’m sorry if I gave you that impression,” and he’ll realize that he had just been impolite.
8. Don’t justify your position
Here’s a strange dynamic that often happens with men and women. When women ask for help, we often feel guilty. And so we need to show that we actually do need help. It’s how we ask our friends–“I need to run Jenny to the doctor’s appointment and at the same time Jeremy needs someone to walk him home from school. I’m so sorry to ask, but do you think you can walk Jeremy home tomorrow when you pick up your darling Michelle?”
But if you talk like this with your husband, it can sound a little insulting. “I’m trying to make dinner, honey, but it’s really hard because Jeremy is talking non-stop and Jenny is crying. Do you think you could just talk Jenny off of my hands, just for a minute, while I try to get dinner on the table?”
That sounds perfectly reasonable to us. But many men, when hearing that, will simultaneously hear a guilt trip.
How could you not notice that I am trying to get dinner while YOUR two children are driving me nuts? How can you not hear your child crying? Why are you still on your butt on the couch and why haven’t you come and helped me yet?
There’s an easy way to avoid this. Just ask with no frills:
Honey, can you take Jenny for me, please?
When we justify every single request, it can actually sound like a criticism to him, even if we didn’t mean it that way, and it can take a simple, everyday situation and put a negative spin on it.
9. Talk about what you need, not what he’s doing wrong.
Let’s say, for instance, that you’re married to someone who plays video games six hours a day, often not coming to bed until the wee hours of the morning, and not getting enough sleep.
You could lecture him on video games.
Or you could say,
Honey, I feel as if we’re not connecting and I’m feeling really lonely. I miss going to bed with you every night, and I miss making love to you. Can we talk about how to help me feel less lonely and more connected to you?
It’s just a different dynamic. And remember–guys tend to like to fix things. So if you present a problem he can fix, that’s often better than presenting a situation where he’s doing everything wrong.
10. If your husband just won’t listen, stop talking and start acting.
Finally, sometimes it’s time to stop talking and start doing. The original letter writer who started this whole conversation had this problem: Her husband had no clue how the female body works when it comes to sex, and wasn’t interested in pleasuring his wife at all. Sex was rough and not arousing at all.
Talking to him wasn’t working.
And in this situation, sometimes the best thing we can do is to say:
I so want to enjoy a great sex life with you, and I do want to make love! But I’m not willing to do that until we start learning how my body works and focusing on making sex for both of us.
I write more about this for frustrated women on this post, “Is this the last straw?” Sometimes we’ve talked so much and bent over backwards trying to win him with kindness and it isn’t working, because people don’t change until the pain they feel from not changing is greater than the pain that change will bring. It’s called boundaries; we need them, and sometimes setting a clear boundary will do more than a multitude of words.
Whew! Okay, that’s a lot of points!
So let me sum up, and then tell you what we’re going to tackle tomorrow:
Create the right environment to talk
Approach each conversation as a time to connect and hear his opinion, not just to give yours
Move into problem-solving mode
Tomorrow we’re going to talk about the biggest revelation I’ve ever had about resolving conflict–it changed everything!
But for today, let me know: what one of the ten points really spoke to you? Or what one do you have the most trouble with? Let’s talk in the comments!
The post 10 Ways to Talk So Your Husband Will Hear appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.
